1 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:26,920 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back 5 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,240 Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is 6 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:33,400 Speaker 1: so great to have you here, back for another episode 7 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:36,240 Speaker 1: as we of course break down the psychology of our twenties. 8 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:43,360 Speaker 1: This episode feels very timely, very necessary for the moment 9 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:47,479 Speaker 1: that I'm in right now. Since moving to London, I 10 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:53,280 Speaker 1: have found myself becoming very self centered, a much angrier person. 11 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:58,520 Speaker 1: And part of what this has done to me and 12 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,560 Speaker 1: my personality is that, for the first time in a while, 13 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:07,280 Speaker 1: every slight thing feels like a personal insult. Every person 14 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:10,720 Speaker 1: who is pushing me on the tube, every canceled plan 15 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:14,000 Speaker 1: even though I know the city is busy, every slightly 16 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:18,959 Speaker 1: weirdly worded email. I have become very hyper vigilant towards 17 00:01:18,959 --> 00:01:23,440 Speaker 1: it and ready to really see the worst in people 18 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:27,640 Speaker 1: and in situations, and that scares me because that's not 19 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,880 Speaker 1: like me, and that's not the person I am. I 20 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:33,680 Speaker 1: think part of being a self conscious kid was that 21 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:37,119 Speaker 1: at some stage, I just realized it costs too much 22 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,920 Speaker 1: to care what others thought about me. And I've operated 23 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:43,920 Speaker 1: from that mentality for so long, so to have had 24 00:01:43,959 --> 00:01:48,400 Speaker 1: this resurgence of this like weird making everything about me, 25 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:53,320 Speaker 1: reading into everything, taking it all personally attitude is It's 26 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,240 Speaker 1: not something I'm interested in, and I don't think you 27 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:58,520 Speaker 1: guys are particularly interested in it as well. I think 28 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:02,240 Speaker 1: we could all use a bit of a psychological breakdown 29 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:06,840 Speaker 1: of how to release these feelings, because they definitely create 30 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:11,760 Speaker 1: significant blockages for us when we start to make everything 31 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:16,760 Speaker 1: about ourselves, you know, for starters. It collapses your attention inward. 32 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,720 Speaker 1: It eats up all your mental resources that could have 33 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:23,120 Speaker 1: been devoted to things you actually care about. It makes 34 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:28,959 Speaker 1: you ignore valuable information such as feedback and healthy criticism, 35 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:32,200 Speaker 1: because it all just feels like the same kind of threat. 36 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:37,160 Speaker 1: And quite frankly, I think it just makes you miserable. 37 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,000 Speaker 1: It makes you self conscious, It doesn't make you a 38 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:43,920 Speaker 1: nice person to be around, and that is not something 39 00:02:43,919 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 1: that I'm aspiring to be this year or any year. 40 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:52,600 Speaker 1: So today, let's answer the question why do we so 41 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:56,480 Speaker 1: often place ourselves at the center of things, especially things 42 00:02:56,520 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 1: that have very little to do with us, and why 43 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,680 Speaker 1: that is the case, why our brains operate in this 44 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:08,400 Speaker 1: sometimes annoying fashion, and of course, how to stop taking 45 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:12,760 Speaker 1: things so personally before I guess it goes too far, 46 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:20,280 Speaker 1: stay with us. So the first thing you need to 47 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:24,720 Speaker 1: understand is that your consciousness is built through quite a 48 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:30,320 Speaker 1: narrow subjective lens. You don't experience the world from a 49 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:35,080 Speaker 1: bird's eye view where you have equal visibility of everyone's experiences. 50 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:39,880 Speaker 1: You experience it from inside one body, behind one pair 51 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:43,800 Speaker 1: of eyes, with just one stream of thought and subjective 52 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,720 Speaker 1: feeling that is running through every single experience that you're having. 53 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,800 Speaker 1: It is very reflective of that classic quote. You know, 54 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:53,280 Speaker 1: you don't see the world as it is, You see 55 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:57,080 Speaker 1: the world as you are. So what that means is 56 00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:01,760 Speaker 1: that when you're feeling insecure, everything comes evidence of that insecurity. 57 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,640 Speaker 1: When we see the worst in people, it's because we're 58 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:08,880 Speaker 1: not feeling our best. When we see criticism, it's because 59 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 1: our inner critic is already so loud. You are your 60 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 1: only reference point, because that's the only perspective that you 61 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:23,000 Speaker 1: have direct access to your needs, your feelings, your interpretation, 62 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:29,800 Speaker 1: That becomes urgent and it becomes central by design, and 63 00:04:29,839 --> 00:04:34,159 Speaker 1: this isn't your brain malfunctioning. This is actually the explicit 64 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:38,280 Speaker 1: role of the ego at play. And it's exactly why 65 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,960 Speaker 1: you have an ego, ego literally being the Latin for I. 66 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:46,920 Speaker 1: You have an ego to prioritize you. Now, when we 67 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:50,040 Speaker 1: hear the word ego, I think we typically associate it 68 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:54,760 Speaker 1: with obviously, like egotism and bravado and the loud guy 69 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,680 Speaker 1: at the bar, or like the obnoxious no it or 70 00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaker 1: person at work, or like somebody who's very image obsessed. 71 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:07,480 Speaker 1: The ego is actually our sense of self and our 72 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:12,640 Speaker 1: sense of self identity, personal awareness. You don't either have 73 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,119 Speaker 1: an ego or don't we all have one, In line 74 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:22,200 Speaker 1: with psychodynamic theory, which built on Freud's original ideas, Basically, 75 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:28,240 Speaker 1: the ego is what balances our unconscious primal desire to 76 00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:30,760 Speaker 1: be important and to be known and to be seen 77 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:34,800 Speaker 1: and to indulge with our moral compass, which is called 78 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:38,400 Speaker 1: the super ego. And that our super ego kind of 79 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:42,080 Speaker 1: I guess, represents our karma side, the side that acts 80 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:45,599 Speaker 1: based on what we are expected to act like. So 81 00:05:45,839 --> 00:05:47,760 Speaker 1: our ego is actually the thing that's in the middle 82 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:50,800 Speaker 1: of those two things. It's the mediator that takes what 83 00:05:50,839 --> 00:05:53,160 Speaker 1: we really want to do and what we know we 84 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:57,279 Speaker 1: should do and finds a nice middle ground. When you 85 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:02,560 Speaker 1: start taking something personally, what might be happening is that 86 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:09,039 Speaker 1: your ego cannot manage the row of the id, the 87 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:12,600 Speaker 1: roar of who we think we are, and that we're 88 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,359 Speaker 1: at the center of the universe with the super ego, 89 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,279 Speaker 1: the part of us that says, you know, kind of 90 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:22,000 Speaker 1: torn it down and act in accordance with what others 91 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:26,000 Speaker 1: expect in how you should act. Now. Again, ideally, the 92 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:29,200 Speaker 1: ego steps in and it does a really good job. 93 00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:34,080 Speaker 1: It reality tests, it balances both perspectives. It sees a 94 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:39,120 Speaker 1: situation from a healthy standpoint. But when our emotions are high, 95 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:42,200 Speaker 1: the ego actually gets a lot less effective in those 96 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:45,440 Speaker 1: situations because it takes a lot of effort to fight 97 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,960 Speaker 1: against instinct and impulse and anger. And when the ego 98 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:52,400 Speaker 1: can't mediate well, this is where we often start to 99 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:55,360 Speaker 1: jump to conclusions and to feel a certain kind of 100 00:06:55,400 --> 00:07:00,280 Speaker 1: like rage and resentment because we take everything personally. Now, 101 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:05,120 Speaker 1: the situations that are the ripest for assumptions and confusions 102 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:09,960 Speaker 1: are those which are ambiguous and which present a threat. 103 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:16,040 Speaker 1: And this is why our reaction often spikes in moments 104 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:19,480 Speaker 1: where other people are involved and there is a perceived 105 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:25,920 Speaker 1: social threat, whether that is rejection, humiliation, exclusion, disapproval. This 106 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:29,680 Speaker 1: is always going to register to us as meaningfully dangerous 107 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:33,600 Speaker 1: because of evolution, because of our past. So because of that, 108 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:37,000 Speaker 1: it gets shifted up the priority poll because it's tied 109 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:41,240 Speaker 1: to something that's precious, feeling rejected or humiliated. It's tied 110 00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:45,280 Speaker 1: to things like acceptance and belonging, things that we really 111 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:51,320 Speaker 1: care about. So the irony is we make quick judgments 112 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:55,680 Speaker 1: when we'd actually be better off having a more controlled, 113 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 1: active thought process because of how important the situation is 114 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:03,640 Speaker 1: to us. When someone is short with you, when they're quiet, 115 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:08,440 Speaker 1: when they're distracted, your brain basically has to infer what 116 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,920 Speaker 1: that means for you, and it wants to do that quickly. 117 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:17,320 Speaker 1: So what information does it have access to quickly? Your interpretation, 118 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:23,480 Speaker 1: your information, not all the actual evidence of factors. This is, 119 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,960 Speaker 1: we know what this is. This is a speed over 120 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:30,720 Speaker 1: accuracy trade off. What gets I don't know, I don't 121 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:35,520 Speaker 1: want to say ignored, but maybe neglected, glazed over due 122 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:39,360 Speaker 1: to the operation of our own mental shortcuts is Empathy 123 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:43,480 Speaker 1: is thinking about other people's mood is thinking about the 124 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:47,640 Speaker 1: internal world they're living in and their past and their interpretation, 125 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,000 Speaker 1: because in the moment, it takes a lot of extrapolation 126 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:56,240 Speaker 1: and thought process to think about their perspective. What you 127 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,960 Speaker 1: have to remember, and this is hard, but what you 128 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:02,720 Speaker 1: have to remember is that every situation actually has three layers. 129 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:06,040 Speaker 1: It has the objective reality of the event, It has 130 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,920 Speaker 1: the meaning that we assign to the event, and it 131 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,720 Speaker 1: has the meaning that someone else assigns to the event. 132 00:09:12,679 --> 00:09:17,480 Speaker 1: The meaning we assign is an appraisal, and our appraisals 133 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,600 Speaker 1: are rarely and I don't think they're never neutral. We 134 00:09:20,679 --> 00:09:25,640 Speaker 1: know this from something called cognitive motivational relational theory, and 135 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:31,920 Speaker 1: this theory of emotion basically describes and explains how emotions 136 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:37,000 Speaker 1: arise through an interaction between our past and how we 137 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:40,959 Speaker 1: interpret a situation, along with our goals and our values, 138 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:45,480 Speaker 1: and then what concerns others and what concerns our well being. 139 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:50,679 Speaker 1: Very complicated way of saying. In other words, our appraisals 140 00:09:51,679 --> 00:09:55,480 Speaker 1: dictate how we see something, and they a great peak 141 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:59,320 Speaker 1: into what we really fear, what we really want, what 142 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:03,160 Speaker 1: we really care about. You've got to remember again, human 143 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:07,800 Speaker 1: behavior is highly complex, it's highly individualized, so we end 144 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:11,720 Speaker 1: up relying on shortcuts that have formed in our minds, 145 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,560 Speaker 1: in our brains over many, many years. So if you 146 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:20,000 Speaker 1: have any tender places or sow emotional spots, any old fears, 147 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:24,320 Speaker 1: if you encounter a situation that even looks slightly like that, 148 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:29,079 Speaker 1: your brain will try to resolve the ambiguity by snapping 149 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:34,240 Speaker 1: that moment onto the nearest familiar story. And that is 150 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:37,960 Speaker 1: why normal events begin to feel like you're being attacked, 151 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:42,120 Speaker 1: because they match something you already believe could be true. 152 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:46,360 Speaker 1: There is another word in psychology for this schema or schemas. 153 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,120 Speaker 1: This is the way we organize our current experience based 154 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:52,880 Speaker 1: on past experience, schema therapy, which was developed I think 155 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:56,960 Speaker 1: only like in the seventies or eighties. Basically, what it 156 00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,960 Speaker 1: says is that there are a few main schemers, a 157 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 1: few main ways of seeing information that will skew neutral 158 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:10,480 Speaker 1: information into a dangerous interpretation based on our past experience. 159 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:14,559 Speaker 1: I'm going to describe a few, and you can kind 160 00:11:14,559 --> 00:11:16,920 Speaker 1: of see what I mean. So, for example, a really 161 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:21,200 Speaker 1: common one is an abandonment schema. What that basically means 162 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:26,080 Speaker 1: is that the past has told you people are going 163 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:30,720 Speaker 1: to leave. People aren't to be trusted, they're unpredictable, they 164 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:35,080 Speaker 1: will abandon you. So it essentially says any situation that 165 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,079 Speaker 1: looks like that is going to be that, and you 166 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:40,319 Speaker 1: should be wary of any signs that they're going to 167 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:43,320 Speaker 1: leave so that you can prepare to leave. First. You 168 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 1: have an abandonment schema. Then there is a mistrust schema 169 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:50,720 Speaker 1: kind of similar. You know, this is when the past 170 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:54,720 Speaker 1: has really taught you that people will take your shortcomings 171 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,920 Speaker 1: and use them against you, so you shouldn't give people 172 00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:02,000 Speaker 1: the ammo to kind of do so. Another well known 173 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:05,480 Speaker 1: one as a shame schemer. This is when in the past, 174 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:08,520 Speaker 1: you know, you've revealed certain things about yourself and people 175 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,680 Speaker 1: have blamed you, made you feel bad, criticized you. So 176 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:15,119 Speaker 1: now you learn to keep parts of your identity to yourself. 177 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:20,000 Speaker 1: One final one the failure to achieve schemer. I actually 178 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:23,160 Speaker 1: think this one is very interesting. This is a situation 179 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:26,559 Speaker 1: where because you have failed in the past, you inevitably 180 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,880 Speaker 1: now believe that you will continue to fail again into 181 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:32,520 Speaker 1: the future. Therefore, this is an indication that you are untalented, 182 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:36,360 Speaker 1: you are not successful, and you should never try. There 183 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:40,840 Speaker 1: are I think from Jeffrey Young's original work. There's about 184 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,480 Speaker 1: eighteen schemers, so you can go and look these up, 185 00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:48,400 Speaker 1: and there is one for literally every single situation. Another 186 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,720 Speaker 1: one is the pessimism schemer, like believing that life will 187 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:55,720 Speaker 1: always return to being bad. Therefore anything good will soon 188 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:58,959 Speaker 1: be taken away. You shouldn't trust anything. I know. One 189 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,840 Speaker 1: of my own schemers I have to be aware of 190 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:04,480 Speaker 1: is social isolation schema. You know, I've talked about this. 191 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:06,040 Speaker 1: Had a really hard time when I was a kid. 192 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:10,079 Speaker 1: I was bullied really badly. Nowadays, I know that means 193 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,920 Speaker 1: my brain is always going to read too much into 194 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:18,000 Speaker 1: small social slights or silence from friends. I know that 195 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,640 Speaker 1: because in these situations, I always feel like a kid again, 196 00:13:20,679 --> 00:13:23,520 Speaker 1: and I always have this urge to panic, to withdraw, 197 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,480 Speaker 1: to get angry. And it means that I take neutral 198 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:29,959 Speaker 1: situations and I make them about me in a very 199 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 1: unique way, a very individualized way, based on my past hurt. 200 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:40,240 Speaker 1: We all do this. So if you want to stop 201 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:43,880 Speaker 1: taking things too seriously or personally, you firstly need to 202 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:47,520 Speaker 1: understand this schema. You need to understand should I actually 203 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,160 Speaker 1: say the schema is plural that you are bringing to 204 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,440 Speaker 1: the table Being aware of that is so crucial so 205 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:58,959 Speaker 1: that you can interrupt that self focused rationalization of neutral 206 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,440 Speaker 1: events and have a more healthy, positive interpretation. That is 207 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:07,840 Speaker 1: my first step for taking things less personally. But we 208 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,360 Speaker 1: are going to take a short break here and then 209 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:19,160 Speaker 1: dive into a few others. Stay with us. I'm sure 210 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,400 Speaker 1: we are all kind of sick of hearing this, but 211 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,400 Speaker 1: when you start taking things too personally, sometimes you need 212 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:28,120 Speaker 1: a reminder of the facts. And the facts say very 213 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 1: little of other people's time is concerned with anything but themselves. 214 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:38,320 Speaker 1: Simply put, nobody's thinking about you thinking about them, and 215 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:41,760 Speaker 1: when they are thinking about you, or they are thinking 216 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:45,240 Speaker 1: about an interaction they've had with you, often they're thinking 217 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,480 Speaker 1: about their own side of the story. Here are two 218 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:52,720 Speaker 1: studies that provide literal evidence for this being the case. 219 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,920 Speaker 1: The first is from possibly the most famous social psychologist 220 00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,880 Speaker 1: in the world. You will have heard his name on 221 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:03,120 Speaker 1: the this podcast, probably more than my own, Robin Dunbar, 222 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:07,800 Speaker 1: my dream guest. He conducted this study in the nineties 223 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:14,280 Speaker 1: where he analyzed the conversations of thousands of individuals and 224 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,240 Speaker 1: he coded the conversations to be like how often the 225 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:21,160 Speaker 1: people talking about themselves versus others, and he found that 226 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:25,440 Speaker 1: seventy eight percent of all of our conversations involved people 227 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:30,840 Speaker 1: talking about themselves and their own perceptions. That leaves only 228 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:35,760 Speaker 1: what quick math, twenty two percent, yeah, twenty two percent 229 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:40,320 Speaker 1: of conversations where we are talking about other people. A 230 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:45,800 Speaker 1: similar study from twenty twenty one ran eight experiments actually 231 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:50,480 Speaker 1: with over two thousand people and found that even if 232 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,800 Speaker 1: we sometimes underestimate how much people are thinking about us, 233 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:59,720 Speaker 1: when people are thinking about us again, they still remain 234 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:04,360 Speaker 1: the center of their own thoughts. They replay what they said, 235 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:09,320 Speaker 1: what they did, how they felt. They probably couldn't tell 236 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,920 Speaker 1: what outfit you were wearing if it wasn't something that 237 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,600 Speaker 1: was personally related to them. About evidence to evidence here, 238 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:20,200 Speaker 1: there was a study on literally that exact idea. In 239 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:24,520 Speaker 1: the early two thousands. Researchers at Cornell University asked participants 240 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:28,240 Speaker 1: to wear a T shirt with like an embarrassing, crude, 241 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:32,680 Speaker 1: funny image in front of the entire class, and before 242 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:36,440 Speaker 1: they went in, researchers asked the participants, like, how many 243 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,040 Speaker 1: people do you think are going to notice that you're 244 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:42,800 Speaker 1: wearing this terrible, terrible, embarrassing shirt. The participants were like, 245 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,760 Speaker 1: I think around fifty percent of people are going to 246 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:50,560 Speaker 1: notice my T shirt, but actually it was only around 247 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,360 Speaker 1: twenty five percent. Only about twenty five percent of their 248 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:56,560 Speaker 1: fellow classmates actually noticed the T shirts, and even then 249 00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,320 Speaker 1: they didn't necessarily have negative opinions of it. The great 250 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:04,119 Speaker 1: way to stop taking things personally is to remember people 251 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,880 Speaker 1: don't care about you that much. They care very little 252 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:10,560 Speaker 1: about you. That could be one of the most terrifying thoughts, 253 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:14,320 Speaker 1: and I also think one of the most empowering. Part 254 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:18,080 Speaker 1: of why we obsess over people's opinions and their perceptions 255 00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:20,399 Speaker 1: of us is because we believe in this so called 256 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:24,840 Speaker 1: spotlight effect, which says that the thing you just like 257 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:27,840 Speaker 1: deeply about yourself that you are insecure about that you 258 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,520 Speaker 1: see the first thing. It's the first thing you see 259 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:34,639 Speaker 1: when you look in the mirror. Everybody else there's a 260 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:38,040 Speaker 1: spotlight on it. They can see it too. The thing is, 261 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:43,560 Speaker 1: other people are experiencing you as just one stimulus amongst 262 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:47,720 Speaker 1: many other stimuli, alongside things that are much more pressing 263 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:51,200 Speaker 1: to them, such as their own worries and their own stress, 264 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:55,000 Speaker 1: and their own spotlight on what they think you're seeing 265 00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:59,800 Speaker 1: in them. The spotlight effect is basically your brain making 266 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:04,320 Speaker 1: an error in logic. It's saying because I notice it, 267 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:07,399 Speaker 1: it must be noticeable to everybody else as well. The 268 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:11,639 Speaker 1: psychology says probably not. And even if they do notice 269 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:16,200 Speaker 1: it and it is the center of their attention, isn't 270 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:20,720 Speaker 1: it more indicative of them that they're able to pinpoint 271 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:26,040 Speaker 1: somebody else's insecurities with that much accuracy. I just feel 272 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:28,480 Speaker 1: like that's a if somebody is able to do that 273 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,280 Speaker 1: for a group of people in front of them, and 274 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:32,679 Speaker 1: it is able to be like, you're insecure about that feature, 275 00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:35,280 Speaker 1: You're insecure about that feature that says so much more 276 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:39,080 Speaker 1: about them. So that's my tip here, to stop taking 277 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:43,480 Speaker 1: things personally. Identify yes, how you may be reading into things, 278 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:48,920 Speaker 1: but then also identify how often you're probably incorrect about 279 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,320 Speaker 1: what other people are noticing about you, and how little 280 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:57,240 Speaker 1: a problem that you have with yourself is to everybody else. Next. 281 00:18:57,359 --> 00:19:01,240 Speaker 1: Because this is definitely sometimes advice people find it hard 282 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:04,040 Speaker 1: to practice. I definitely find it hard to practice this. 283 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:08,639 Speaker 1: We are socially attuned. It's not like we're going to 284 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:12,159 Speaker 1: hear these facts and be like, great, I'm cured. Instead, 285 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,160 Speaker 1: if you're finding it hard to stop taking things personally, 286 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:20,000 Speaker 1: I don't think you have to stop caring about everyone's opinions. Instead, 287 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,800 Speaker 1: I want to ask that you pick only four people 288 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:26,639 Speaker 1: whose opinions matter to you, Four people whose comments you 289 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:30,760 Speaker 1: allow yourself to take personally, four people whose opinions you 290 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:34,080 Speaker 1: take on board. Only four you can only choose force. 291 00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:36,840 Speaker 1: You have to choose wisely, and these people cannot be 292 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:39,680 Speaker 1: subbed out. They cannot be subbed in. They are on 293 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,959 Speaker 1: the team until they are permanently off the team. And 294 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,159 Speaker 1: your second rule is that they have to be somebody 295 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:49,160 Speaker 1: whose opinion you truly trust and who you know has 296 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:52,600 Speaker 1: your back. You can't choose your mom if your mum 297 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,760 Speaker 1: always criticizes your choices. You can't choose your boss if 298 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,600 Speaker 1: your boss always disrespects you and makes you cry. Can't 299 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,760 Speaker 1: choose afraid who always puts you down. I want you 300 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:04,679 Speaker 1: to choose your team of four, a friend's family, a 301 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:09,399 Speaker 1: partner whose opinions you are allowed to take personally, and 302 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:13,480 Speaker 1: then nobody else outside of that. I really like this 303 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:19,600 Speaker 1: method because you've most likely spent fifteen twenty plus years 304 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:25,760 Speaker 1: absorbing everybody's thoughts or potential thoughts about you, so you 305 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:27,920 Speaker 1: aren't going to be able to reverse that overnight. You're 306 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,080 Speaker 1: not going to be able to go cold turkey on 307 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,960 Speaker 1: caring what they think. This is like the replacement therapy 308 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:40,040 Speaker 1: you may need. You know, instead of going sober from 309 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:43,240 Speaker 1: taking things personally, we just go down a little bit. 310 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:47,639 Speaker 1: We just decrease the dosage. I think another way to 311 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:51,159 Speaker 1: stop taking things so personally if you find it hard 312 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,880 Speaker 1: to not insert yourself into a story, is actually to 313 00:20:54,920 --> 00:21:00,040 Speaker 1: insert yourself even further. It's going to be so so. 314 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:04,840 Speaker 1: This is such simple advice, but it's important. You need 315 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:09,160 Speaker 1: to interrupt your interpretation of what you think they're thinking 316 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:13,840 Speaker 1: with what you know you would be thinking. Again, we 317 00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:17,080 Speaker 1: only have access to our own thoughts. Use that to 318 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,879 Speaker 1: your advantage. If this was you in this situation, in 319 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:24,360 Speaker 1: their situation, how would you actually be thinking about this? 320 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:28,920 Speaker 1: You know, why would you have made that judgment? Why 321 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,360 Speaker 1: would you have spoken in that tone? You know, if 322 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:34,000 Speaker 1: you had three deadlines, if you had a headache and 323 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:37,240 Speaker 1: had a bad night's sleep, and you know you were 324 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:40,280 Speaker 1: worried about tax time, I don't know, how would you 325 00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,360 Speaker 1: come off as sounding in a message if you were 326 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,680 Speaker 1: really socially drained. Would you be warm and chatty or 327 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,800 Speaker 1: would you be brief and quiet. If you were really 328 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:52,080 Speaker 1: anxious overwhelmed, would you show up perfectly or would you 329 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:55,840 Speaker 1: be a little bit distracted? How would you be behaving 330 00:21:55,880 --> 00:22:00,400 Speaker 1: and reacting? Asking yourself this, putting yourself even first into 331 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:03,119 Speaker 1: the narrative can help pull you out of the trap 332 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:08,240 Speaker 1: of what this means for you by thinking why has 333 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:12,040 Speaker 1: somebody else been kind of forced or has had this reaction? 334 00:22:12,359 --> 00:22:16,120 Speaker 1: What else could be true here? It's actually kind of 335 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:19,040 Speaker 1: a classic anxiety tip. And of course a lot of 336 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:22,639 Speaker 1: why we take things personally is anxiety and is filling 337 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:25,480 Speaker 1: the gaps with our own knowledge and the worst case scenario. 338 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:30,879 Speaker 1: But this technique, this chain reaction interruption, asks you to 339 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:36,320 Speaker 1: question what else before you ask what if? What else 340 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:39,879 Speaker 1: could be going on? Here? A good rule when you 341 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:44,880 Speaker 1: find your brain running away with assumptions. For every negative assumption, 342 00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:47,840 Speaker 1: you have to give yourself a positive one. You have 343 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,560 Speaker 1: to achieve a one to one ratio of what if 344 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:55,760 Speaker 1: and what else? Tip number four. I think we're up 345 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,919 Speaker 1: to number four now. I don't know. Correct me if 346 00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:02,040 Speaker 1: I'm wrong, but label the things that are assumptions and 347 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:05,080 Speaker 1: the things that you know are facts. This is a 348 00:23:05,119 --> 00:23:08,639 Speaker 1: great one to stop those spiraling thoughts when you start 349 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:12,840 Speaker 1: to take things personally. Your brain is mixing facts and interpretations. 350 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:16,359 Speaker 1: It's mixing them together so seamlessly they feel like they're 351 00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:19,560 Speaker 1: the same thing. How you feel about the situation must 352 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:23,880 Speaker 1: be the only accurate interpretation. Try and pull these two 353 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:29,760 Speaker 1: things apart. Maybe let's use the example of, like your 354 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:34,120 Speaker 1: friend cancels a dinner that you had planned. An assumption 355 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:37,000 Speaker 1: here would be that, oh, this is totally evidence they 356 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:39,560 Speaker 1: don't like me anymore, they don't care about me, they 357 00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:43,560 Speaker 1: think I'm annoying, They're going to ditch me. The fact 358 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:48,119 Speaker 1: here is simply that they canceled. Another fact might be 359 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:53,000 Speaker 1: that they genuinely just don't have the mental capacity, or 360 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:58,080 Speaker 1: that they really are sick, or maybe someone doesn't reply. 361 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:01,240 Speaker 1: The assumption here might be that they're avoiding you, or 362 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:02,679 Speaker 1: that they don't want to talk to you, or that 363 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:06,560 Speaker 1: they're annoyed at you. But the facts, the facts are 364 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:10,160 Speaker 1: if we remove all the emotion and fear driven thoughts 365 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:14,160 Speaker 1: from this situation, it's just that they haven't replied. There 366 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:19,320 Speaker 1: are so many other possible explanations here. Acknowledging the assumptions 367 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:22,879 Speaker 1: versus the facts helps you to acknowledge the story you're telling. 368 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:27,400 Speaker 1: Yourself versus the reality of the story. That's much more complex. 369 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:32,080 Speaker 1: It has multiple perspectives to it. Next tip tip number five, 370 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:37,360 Speaker 1: Remember that this feeling you're having is temporary, but your 371 00:24:37,359 --> 00:24:41,520 Speaker 1: reaction to the feeling can make the moment permanent. I 372 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,600 Speaker 1: just think it's wise to always try and give people 373 00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:48,960 Speaker 1: the benefit of the doubt, because that alone will reduce 374 00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:53,240 Speaker 1: your emotional suffering. If for nothing else, it just means 375 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:57,720 Speaker 1: that you don't have to go through the annoyance and 376 00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:02,960 Speaker 1: the frustration of taking something personally multiple times. This one 377 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,880 Speaker 1: is pretty huge because often we will have this overwhelming 378 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:11,760 Speaker 1: response or this overwhelming urge to respond immediately, to fix something, 379 00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:15,679 Speaker 1: to correct something, to defend yourself, to pull away, and 380 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:18,640 Speaker 1: I get it again. It's this threat detection system which 381 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:20,840 Speaker 1: is trying to close the gap of uncertainty so that 382 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:22,919 Speaker 1: we know that we're going to survive and we know 383 00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:26,399 Speaker 1: what to do next. But the thing is, feelings and 384 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:32,359 Speaker 1: emotions pass. They are uncomfortable, they will leave eventually. But 385 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:35,159 Speaker 1: if you act on these emotions and you send a 386 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:38,560 Speaker 1: really reactive text, or you somebody pushes you and you 387 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:41,040 Speaker 1: push them back or something like that. You make a 388 00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:44,560 Speaker 1: passive aggressive comment, or you shrink yourself, or you escalate 389 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:47,280 Speaker 1: the situation into something that is bigger. That's going to 390 00:25:47,359 --> 00:25:50,679 Speaker 1: create lasting tension, lasting stress, and it's gonna make the 391 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,680 Speaker 1: assumption you had the fact. It's going to turn the 392 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:57,199 Speaker 1: assumption into reality when it wasn't that way to begin with. 393 00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:01,439 Speaker 1: Just give the emotion, give that an sure reaction, some 394 00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:05,800 Speaker 1: space to just like move through you before you turn it, 395 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:10,000 Speaker 1: before you create collateral damage. Acknowledge that you might actually 396 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:13,240 Speaker 1: be wrong about the situation, Acknowledge that you might not 397 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:18,480 Speaker 1: have all the information yet, and give people the benefit 398 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:25,240 Speaker 1: of the doubt before making the situation more intense. Something 399 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,919 Speaker 1: that goes hand in hand with this, and this is 400 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,480 Speaker 1: some of my best advice. The best advice I've ever 401 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:36,040 Speaker 1: received from somebody was when you truly believe that someone's 402 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:41,040 Speaker 1: perception of you is negative, honestly, regardless of that, the 403 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:45,679 Speaker 1: best thing you can do, whether they're a stranger a 404 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:50,520 Speaker 1: random person, is to be sickeningly nice and kind to them. 405 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,879 Speaker 1: That is actually the best response you can have, because 406 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:56,359 Speaker 1: then they have no choice but to look at your 407 00:26:56,359 --> 00:26:59,120 Speaker 1: behavior and see your positive reaction, and see how nice 408 00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:02,600 Speaker 1: you're being to them, and only see a mirror of 409 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:06,800 Speaker 1: what they should be acting like, and how ridiculous their 410 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:11,800 Speaker 1: behavior actually is. A study published last summer I believe 411 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:17,000 Speaker 1: at the University of Oregon found really sizeable evidence for 412 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:22,840 Speaker 1: this working. They called it the perceiver elicited similarity effect. Basically, 413 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:27,280 Speaker 1: our behavior elicits similar behavior in others by setting a 414 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:32,200 Speaker 1: social standard that they then self police on. You take 415 00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:35,320 Speaker 1: people out of their world, you bring them into your world, 416 00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:37,919 Speaker 1: and you make your world a pleasant place to be, 417 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,920 Speaker 1: one that has the kindness you wish to treat others 418 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:44,920 Speaker 1: by and you wish they treated you with. I think 419 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,960 Speaker 1: this has a bleed on effect in that it allows 420 00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:51,679 Speaker 1: us to detach from others opinions because our internal world 421 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,720 Speaker 1: feels so stable and sound. If you make your internal 422 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:57,280 Speaker 1: world a positive one and you try and bring people 423 00:27:57,280 --> 00:28:00,280 Speaker 1: in when they still decide that they're going to ruin 424 00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:03,200 Speaker 1: the moment for you, or they are gonna personally project 425 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:07,119 Speaker 1: opinions on you, Frankly, you don't. It's not a problem 426 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:09,560 Speaker 1: for you. It's not your business because your life and 427 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:12,520 Speaker 1: your internal state of being and your mindset is so 428 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:18,040 Speaker 1: strong and so positive that what are they trying to achieve? 429 00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:23,000 Speaker 1: Sometimes when I'm really getting pulled into thinking about what 430 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:28,480 Speaker 1: others may think, do say, how they perceive me. I 431 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,879 Speaker 1: try and think of myself as just another part of nature. 432 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,840 Speaker 1: Try and think of myself like a tree, or a 433 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:38,440 Speaker 1: mountain or a bird. The job of nature and of 434 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:44,360 Speaker 1: these things is just to exist without narration. They don't audition, 435 00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:48,040 Speaker 1: they don't care, they don't imagine what story people are 436 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,840 Speaker 1: telling about them. They are just there to exist. And 437 00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:54,760 Speaker 1: visualizing myself is just another part of nature, which I am, 438 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:57,560 Speaker 1: which we all are, whose goal is just to experience 439 00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:01,680 Speaker 1: and to exist. Is how are you uniquely grounding? Because 440 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:05,680 Speaker 1: it gives you that cognitive distance between the situation and 441 00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:09,120 Speaker 1: your interpretation, and it lets you just and lets you 442 00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:13,800 Speaker 1: just exist and not take it all on board. My 443 00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:20,120 Speaker 1: final advice if all else fails, remember the rule of five. 444 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:24,800 Speaker 1: Will it matter in five days? Will it matter in 445 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:29,200 Speaker 1: five months? Will it matter in five years? I think 446 00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:32,920 Speaker 1: modern day society and the kind of systems we exist 447 00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:37,560 Speaker 1: in make everything feel very urgent and enormous and significant 448 00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:40,760 Speaker 1: and life ending. So it's important to ask yourself this 449 00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:44,160 Speaker 1: question to give you a good perspective. If it's not 450 00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:47,720 Speaker 1: going to matter in five years, you don't need to 451 00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:50,040 Speaker 1: burn your sense of self to the ground over it. 452 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:53,040 Speaker 1: If it's not going to matter in five years, you 453 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:57,200 Speaker 1: shouldn't spend more than five minutes worrying about it. Have 454 00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:59,960 Speaker 1: that short amount of time that five minutes to worry 455 00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:03,160 Speaker 1: into stress if you really need to, and then just 456 00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:06,600 Speaker 1: commit to riding the wave and letting it go. If 457 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:09,240 Speaker 1: you actually think, yeah, it's gonna matter in five months, 458 00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:12,080 Speaker 1: it's going to matter in five years, then it deserves 459 00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:15,320 Speaker 1: a calm conversation between you and the other person. Then 460 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:19,000 Speaker 1: it deserves more of a time investment. You know, it 461 00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:21,840 Speaker 1: might be pointing to something bigger. There might be a 462 00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:25,200 Speaker 1: patent play here. There might be a boundary you've been avoiding. 463 00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:30,120 Speaker 1: Having that litmus test of like which of these three 464 00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:34,520 Speaker 1: categories five days, five months, five years is this going 465 00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:41,000 Speaker 1: to fall into? Lets you appropriately scale your response. This 466 00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:44,040 Speaker 1: just gives you an opportunity to, I think, put things 467 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:49,080 Speaker 1: into a perspective, assign your response based on an honest 468 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:52,760 Speaker 1: assessment rather than treating everything like life or death. And 469 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:56,640 Speaker 1: I think if you strip it all down all these skills, 470 00:30:56,680 --> 00:31:01,840 Speaker 1: what we're really asking ourselves to do is to firstly 471 00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:05,680 Speaker 1: recognize that this may be an interpretation, and that your 472 00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:09,200 Speaker 1: interpretation may be different to theirs, and then to secondly 473 00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:13,240 Speaker 1: put it into perspective, how much does this really matter 474 00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:18,440 Speaker 1: and what is going to cost me more here taking 475 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:22,720 Speaker 1: this personally, taking it on board, having a reaction to it, 476 00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:27,600 Speaker 1: or just letting it go and choosing to stay curious, 477 00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:31,520 Speaker 1: choosing to be like nature, choosing to remove myself from 478 00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:34,440 Speaker 1: the narrative. If that person's opinion is still going to 479 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:36,520 Speaker 1: be the same and you're not going to be able 480 00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:40,440 Speaker 1: to change it, if their opinion is really that isn't 481 00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:45,680 Speaker 1: this going to be the best case choice regardless? Isn't 482 00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:49,440 Speaker 1: that level of dignity over panic going to lead you 483 00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:53,520 Speaker 1: to a better place anyway? If it's just such a 484 00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:56,360 Speaker 1: rational choice, And maybe that's what we're really aiming for here, 485 00:31:56,400 --> 00:32:00,720 Speaker 1: a rational choice in the face of a rationale that's 486 00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:04,840 Speaker 1: gonna lead leave you better off. So I hope these 487 00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:09,320 Speaker 1: tips have helped you. I hope this psychological explanation for 488 00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:12,840 Speaker 1: why we insert ourselves into narratives we don't belong in 489 00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:17,840 Speaker 1: is clarifying for you and that it just gives you 490 00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:20,280 Speaker 1: pause right when you're in a situation like this, next 491 00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:23,320 Speaker 1: you're able to really be like work your way through 492 00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:25,960 Speaker 1: the choices. It's like a build your own adventure. You're 493 00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:28,640 Speaker 1: able to work your way through the adventure and be like, Okay, 494 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:31,520 Speaker 1: even if this person is thinking this, is it in 495 00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:34,640 Speaker 1: my best interest to take it on board? Or is 496 00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:37,280 Speaker 1: it in my best interest to discard this or to 497 00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:39,440 Speaker 1: be or to bring them into a nicer world, the 498 00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:42,920 Speaker 1: one that I choose to inhabit. If you have made 499 00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:45,320 Speaker 1: it this far, thank you for being a loyal listener. 500 00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:49,720 Speaker 1: You now get access to our little secret, our secret club, 501 00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:52,960 Speaker 1: where you can drop a little nature emoji down below, 502 00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:55,760 Speaker 1: so I know that you have made it this far 503 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:58,560 Speaker 1: and that you have listened to the end nature emoji, 504 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,120 Speaker 1: because I think that's the to mc goal of this episode, 505 00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:03,320 Speaker 1: be more like nature. I also want to thank, of course, 506 00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:07,760 Speaker 1: our researcher Libby Colbert for her assistance on this episode. 507 00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:10,160 Speaker 1: Make sure that if you are listening and you're in 508 00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:13,920 Speaker 1: the US, you check us out on Netflix, because video 509 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:16,920 Speaker 1: episodes are now screening over there, and we'd love for 510 00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:20,840 Speaker 1: you to watch and to see what the vibe is 511 00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:23,680 Speaker 1: like and what it's like being in the studio with 512 00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:27,240 Speaker 1: me rather than just listening. But of course it is 513 00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:28,920 Speaker 1: up to you make sure as well that you are 514 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:32,320 Speaker 1: following us on Instagram and also on substack if you 515 00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:35,480 Speaker 1: want access to more studies. All those links will be 516 00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:38,720 Speaker 1: down below. But until next time, be safe, be kind, 517 00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:42,080 Speaker 1: be gentle with yourself, and we will talk very very 518 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:42,320 Speaker 1: soon