Speaker 1: I am the Omla. I had a baby daddy relationship,
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. I know you hate when I repeat
Speaker 1: myself over and over, but I do it. So if
Speaker 1: I've said this once, I have said it a thousand times.
Speaker 1: There is no relationship more difficult to navigate or heal
Speaker 1: than the one that involves a breakdown with your mother.
Speaker 1: Your mother is your heartbeat, and the first thing you
Speaker 1: heard as your life began was your mother's heart beat.
Speaker 1: And moms, they do the best they can. Let me
Speaker 1: own that we do the best we can, but sometimes
Speaker 1: it will still result in traumatic experiences and negative stories
Speaker 1: that people carry around with them for years into their adulthood. Instead,
Speaker 1: we must learn to do the work that leads us
Speaker 1: into understanding and forgiveness. My first caller today is having
Speaker 1: flashbacks of demeaning experiences from her childhood, and I want
Speaker 1: to support her and growing through that into something new. Welcome, Beloved,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Our Spot where we talk about all
Speaker 1: things relationships, problems, issues, challenges, breakdowns and questions. Which one
Speaker 1: do you want to nibble on today? Talk to me? Okay.
Speaker 1: So I have a background in trauma, meaning I've come
Speaker 1: through a lot of trauma, and I find now as
Speaker 1: i move forward and I've been processing and I've gone
Speaker 1: through counseling, I find myself um stuck and scared because
Speaker 1: I'm ready to move to a new point in my life.
Speaker 1: Like I'm I've been doing the work to get here,
Speaker 1: and it's it's just to get to that next level.
Speaker 1: Like what's been coming up now is memories. Like I
Speaker 1: was just laughing with my son that, um, I I
Speaker 1: dropped something on the table, and the remark that came
Speaker 1: to me, even though I said it as funny, was
Speaker 1: one of those disdainful remarks from my past. And everybody,
Speaker 1: you know, my children, recognize that they know what it is.
Speaker 1: But that's instead of feeling like I'm leaving that behind,
Speaker 1: I feel like it's caught up with me. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense? Well, it does because anytime time you declare
Speaker 1: yourself to be a thing, everything unlike it will show up.
Speaker 1: So if you declare yourself to be healed, every unhealed
Speaker 1: place is going to come up. If you declare yourself
Speaker 1: to be free, everything that keeps you enslaved is gonna
Speaker 1: come up, and it's coming up for healing. It's coming
Speaker 1: to go. But we get stuck in the fact that
Speaker 1: it came up, and Oh, this should not be coming
Speaker 1: up because I've healed this, or this should not be
Speaker 1: coming up because I'm free of this. I went to therapy,
Speaker 1: I had full hypnosis sessions. I rubbed they crystals all
Speaker 1: my head. This should not be coming up. Okay, how
Speaker 1: does one distinguish between your intuition? Because that's what I
Speaker 1: was never allowed to use. How does one distinguish when
Speaker 1: something is your intuition as opposed to something that's a trigger,
Speaker 1: a memory trigger. So let me ask you a question. Okay,
Speaker 1: how do you just distinguished between your intuition and a
Speaker 1: memory trigger. I'm still fighting to understand that you Why
Speaker 1: do you need to understand it? Just look at what
Speaker 1: you've done, because the mere fact that you can ask
Speaker 1: the question means that you've already had the experience, but
Speaker 1: for some reason you're not trusting what you did in
Speaker 1: the experience. Think about a time when you just followed
Speaker 1: your intuition and it took you where you wanted to be.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, it did, like like like a river flower.
Speaker 1: Yes it is. Yeah. So what did you do? Oh? Many,
Speaker 1: I went to school, I had children, I got married,
Speaker 1: even though it wasn't the smartest decisions I made, but
Speaker 1: they went when I said, that's what I wanted to do.
Speaker 1: That's what enters my life immediately. Whereas this stage right here,
Speaker 1: I'm no, I want to move to the next level,
Speaker 1: and I keep running against the wall and it feels
Speaker 1: like fear. Maybe you're not ready. Maybe you're not ready.
Speaker 1: Maybe you're being prepared, and maybe the way that you're
Speaker 1: being prepared it is being carefronted, not confronted, but care
Speaker 1: fronted with all of these memory triggers so that you
Speaker 1: can practice how to move through them and keep going.
Speaker 1: What if you want to move forward but you're not ready,
Speaker 1: because life is so wise, and life will keep us
Speaker 1: where we need to be until we're ready. Oh my God,
Speaker 1: right to my heart, Yes, ma'am, this is what I
Speaker 1: heard you say. What keeps coming up is memories of
Speaker 1: the disdainful remarks that I experienced in my past. So
Speaker 1: my question would be, how do you deal with disdainful
Speaker 1: remarks today, honestly, no, lie to me, lie to me,
Speaker 1: don't be honest. Sometimes sometimes I laugh at it, honestly
Speaker 1: when I hear it, because it sounds not only recognizable,
Speaker 1: but it's very nasty, mean meaning words that were said
Speaker 1: all the time. That's how you experienced it at nasty,
Speaker 1: mean and and and what if it was sad and
Speaker 1: it was just being voiced as well, that's what you say,
Speaker 1: But you don't know what the other person was experiencing.
Speaker 1: This is true, this is this, and this will always
Speaker 1: be the case because she's passed on. So I have
Speaker 1: to go by memory. No, you have to go by experience,
Speaker 1: not by memory. And here's the distinction. When you go
Speaker 1: by memory and you have the flashback, let's say, of
Speaker 1: that comment, you re traumatize yourself by remembering what was
Speaker 1: said and what how you reacted and what it led
Speaker 1: to and how it changed you. And that's memory. When
Speaker 1: you have the experience, it's us what you just said.
Speaker 1: I grew up in a in an environment where mean
Speaker 1: and nasty things were common, and whatever they were going
Speaker 1: through that caused them to behave that way, I'm I'm
Speaker 1: willing to forgive it. So I can move on. That's
Speaker 1: why I ask you, how do you respond to disdainful
Speaker 1: remarks today? Do you go back to what it was?
Speaker 1: Or do you make a new choice about how to
Speaker 1: respond to it today? Because you made up that they
Speaker 1: would just mean the nasty vipers, they could have been broken, wounded,
Speaker 1: mentally imbalanced, emotionally bankrupt. You don't know what it was.
Speaker 1: You only know how you experienced it. How do I
Speaker 1: respond to it now? Yeah, when people, when you hear
Speaker 1: disdainful comments today, how do you respond to them? I
Speaker 1: tend to either freeze or explode, just like back then.
Speaker 1: But back then you couldn't explode, so you froze, and
Speaker 1: that's where the stuckness is. That's where the stuckness is.
Speaker 1: So what I want to offer you is and this
Speaker 1: may be the readying that the universe is doing for
Speaker 1: you while you haven't really moved forward, but you can't
Speaker 1: move forwards freezing or or exploding. That's not gonna work. Okay,
Speaker 1: When you hear a disdainful comment, or when a memory
Speaker 1: comes up, when a flashback comes up, pivot do something different.
Speaker 1: Don't do what you did then, don't even do what
Speaker 1: you do now. Pivot stop, take a breath, observe what's
Speaker 1: going on in your body, and then proceed in another direction.
Speaker 1: Don't try to move on, don't try to make sense
Speaker 1: of it, don't try to excuse it, explain it. Take
Speaker 1: a breath. Who that hit me? Where did it hit me?
Speaker 1: In my heart and my foot in my eye and
Speaker 1: my lip in my ear reminded me of back then,
Speaker 1: So let me go over here and do something different.
Speaker 1: Because I couldn't run away back then. I had to
Speaker 1: stay back then. So I don't want to be frozen.
Speaker 1: Let me proceed in another direction. But the important part
Speaker 1: of that, beloved, is the observation part. Stay present to
Speaker 1: the feeling that comes up when you hear a disdainful
Speaker 1: comment or when you experience something from the past. Stay
Speaker 1: present with it. You don't have to do anything about it,
Speaker 1: but don't run from and say, oh, that's sure felt
Speaker 1: harsh or that made me feel this or whatever it is.
Speaker 1: Stay with it, observe it, become aware of it, and
Speaker 1: then pivot go in another direction. You're amazing. Thank you.
Speaker 1: When you first started talking, I wrote down four questions
Speaker 1: that I would like you to work with as you
Speaker 1: move through these traumas that keep coming up because I
Speaker 1: suspect and I could be wrong. I'm always willing to
Speaker 1: be wrong that the way you are dealing with these
Speaker 1: memories is re traumatizing you. I could be wrong. We
Speaker 1: are going to get into those four questions right after
Speaker 1: this break. Welcome back to the our spot. Right before
Speaker 1: the break, I was about to ask my caller four
Speaker 1: questions about her traumatic childhood experiences as a way to
Speaker 1: help her get to the root of the issue. Here
Speaker 1: are those questions. I wouldn't wonder. What is the story
Speaker 1: you tell yourself about the trauma? And what I mean
Speaker 1: by that it shouldn't have happened. They knew better, they
Speaker 1: didn't they felt this way, or they didn't like me,
Speaker 1: they didn't love me, they didn't care. But what is
Speaker 1: the story you tell yourself about the trauma? That's one question.
Speaker 1: What is the story you tell yourself about who visited
Speaker 1: the trauma upon you? I sense I don't know this
Speaker 1: to be true. It was your mother or your parents,
Speaker 1: or whoever the female was that raised you, Yeah, what
Speaker 1: do you tell yourself about her? And that's important because
Speaker 1: particularly if it was your mother or your grandma in
Speaker 1: in that line, because you came your bone of their bone,
Speaker 1: your flesh of their flesh. So whatever you're telling yourself
Speaker 1: about them, there's a part that believes that to be
Speaker 1: true about you. Oh, I guess I'm good. I might
Speaker 1: call me and have a conversation. The other question, I said,
Speaker 1: what is the story you tell yourself about what the
Speaker 1: trauma has changed in you? What has it caused in you?
Speaker 1: And what has it changed in you? Talk about um
Speaker 1: that childhood where you're running, you're jumping puddles, and you're
Speaker 1: you're you don't think about responsibility, you don't think about tomorrow.
Speaker 1: You just enjoy the moment. That is something that I
Speaker 1: I do not know how to do, Like the idea
Speaker 1: of running into a puddle and stomping in it just
Speaker 1: for the joy of it. Before I even think about it,
Speaker 1: I think of, okay, first the trauma, then then I've
Speaker 1: got to clean myself up, and then you're gonna look
Speaker 1: so every I don't do that, And sometimes it really does,
Speaker 1: like I feel it because I want to be spontaneous
Speaker 1: in the morning a moment, I want to enjoy my
Speaker 1: own creativity. But but that's a block I still have
Speaker 1: not been able to get back. So the next time
Speaker 1: it rains, Go do it in a puddle. Go to
Speaker 1: the park, go jump in the puddle, and not only
Speaker 1: go jump in the puddle, jump in the puddle in
Speaker 1: white clothes. You know, I don't own any white for
Speaker 1: that reason, Oh my god, honestly only I honestly, even
Speaker 1: my wedding dress was not white. I made it bone
Speaker 1: instead of right. I don't wear white for that very reason.
Speaker 1: We'll wear some white. How about you wear white for
Speaker 1: the next fourteen days, go by somewhere or something. Oh
Speaker 1: my god. Okay, because it seems like you may have
Speaker 1: an aversion to or an addiction to perfection, because your
Speaker 1: imperfections were highlighted. Yeah, I think addiction to affection or attempt. Yes, man,
Speaker 1: would that be accurate? Yeah, h yeah. So go get
Speaker 1: you some white clothes, oh boy. And the next time
Speaker 1: it rains, go to the park and just jump in
Speaker 1: the puddle. Jump in the puddle. And when you have
Speaker 1: to go home and clean yourself, have fun with it.
Speaker 1: Do you have fun? I mean, because you're just gonna
Speaker 1: reverse that experience. But but look at those four questions.
Speaker 1: What is the story you told yourself about trauma? About them?
Speaker 1: What is the story you told yourself about who visited
Speaker 1: it upon you. And when I say the story you
Speaker 1: tell yourself, I'm talking about what is it that you
Speaker 1: looked at that person and said they shouldn't do this,
Speaker 1: they know better. They do it because they hate me.
Speaker 1: They do it because they wretched that because I'm wretched.
Speaker 1: What is that story? You've got to dismantle that and
Speaker 1: stay present with the feelings. What is the story you
Speaker 1: tell yourself about what it caused you? And what is
Speaker 1: the story you tell yourself about how it changed you? Because, beloved,
Speaker 1: you may be more attached to the trauma than you
Speaker 1: are to your healing. You're right about that. That's my
Speaker 1: That's a concern of mine that, now that I'm actually
Speaker 1: ready to step into the healing, like to live it,
Speaker 1: I'm afraid to do that. I'm afraid of who I'm
Speaker 1: going to become. Because who you're going to become is
Speaker 1: a contradiction to who they told you you were or
Speaker 1: who they led you to believe you were. So you're
Speaker 1: getting ready to contradict that, and the little girl in
Speaker 1: you has a fear of contradicting. The big people gave
Speaker 1: you four questions. I really want you to work with them,
Speaker 1: work with them in your journal, work with them in
Speaker 1: your prayer, work with them, and write this down. Nothing
Speaker 1: is permanent, so the trauma isn't permanent, but you may
Speaker 1: be telling yourself that what it caused in you cannot
Speaker 1: be changed. Nothing is perfect nothing. Nothing is perfect, no relationship,
Speaker 1: no person, no healing modality. Nothing is perfect, and you
Speaker 1: have an addiction to perfection. I gotta get it right,
Speaker 1: I gotta do it right. I gotta be right. I
Speaker 1: want you to think of that in a different way
Speaker 1: instead of saying I've got to be right. I'm willing
Speaker 1: to be wrong. Yeah, take a breath. I'm willing to
Speaker 1: mess up. I'm willing to look stupid. I'm willing. All
Speaker 1: you gotta do is be willing. If you're willing, the
Speaker 1: Holy Spirit will give you the other fort Willing to
Speaker 1: be wrong, I'm willing to mess up, and I'm willing
Speaker 1: to be embarrassed. I'm willing to make a fool out
Speaker 1: of myself. I'm willing. I'm willing. I remember being challenged
Speaker 1: by that, not only because I'm a virgo and I'm obsessive,
Speaker 1: but because I also I grew up in an environment
Speaker 1: where I didn't have to be right, but I couldn't
Speaker 1: be wrong. I could not be wrong. There's a very
Speaker 1: slight distinction, and I won't go into that now, but
Speaker 1: I remember one of my teachers says, I want you
Speaker 1: to go buy an outfit that you would never wear.
Speaker 1: Polka dot skirt, plaid shirt, you know, white, go, go boots,
Speaker 1: whatever it is said. I want you to go, and
Speaker 1: I want you to go to three places in that outfit.
Speaker 1: Go to the Walmart, go to the supermarket, go to
Speaker 1: the you know, go to the mall and walk around
Speaker 1: and live through people staring at you, pointing or what
Speaker 1: you think people will be staring at you because the nowadays,
Speaker 1: with clean hair and piercings in your eyebrows, people won't
Speaker 1: even look. But you know, but it's not for them,
Speaker 1: it's for you to know you can look like that,
Speaker 1: be like that and survive. So I went and got
Speaker 1: some of them tied up orthopedic shoes that I would would,
Speaker 1: you know, just kill me, I would never be called
Speaker 1: dead or that. I got me a wig and put
Speaker 1: it on backwards, and I got me a church lady
Speaker 1: hat and put the hat on top of the wig,
Speaker 1: and I got I had on like I don't know.
Speaker 1: Some kind of plaid polyester skirt and just something. I mean,
Speaker 1: it was just ridiculous. I just went to the thrift
Speaker 1: shop and bought, you know, fifteen dollars worth of clothes
Speaker 1: and went to the mall and walked around, and I
Speaker 1: wasn't even looking at the people. I just wanted to
Speaker 1: deal with the feelings that I had as they came. Okay,
Speaker 1: who's looking at me? And what did they say? I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, And then I went to the counter to
Speaker 1: try to buy something. And you know, my thing was
Speaker 1: red lipstick. Because I grew up in a strictly religious
Speaker 1: environment where you couldn't wear lipstick. I went to the counter,
Speaker 1: looking like a fool in them clothes and try it
Speaker 1: on every red lipstick I could possibly put my hands on,
Speaker 1: and dealt with the feeling of it. And I stayed
Speaker 1: stayed with the feelings, stay with the feeling, and then
Speaker 1: when the feeling comes up and you observe what it is,
Speaker 1: then pivot and do something else. By the red lipstick,
Speaker 1: take the wig off, scratch your head, then put the
Speaker 1: wig back on in public, you know, something that you
Speaker 1: would rather die than to see people, you know, because
Speaker 1: people buy these wigs thinking that this their here, ain't
Speaker 1: you here? Take it off in public, scratch and then
Speaker 1: put the wig back on backwards. Okay. And the next
Speaker 1: time it rains, get you something white and go play
Speaker 1: in the mud. All right. Nothing is permanent, nothing is perfect,
Speaker 1: and this one is gonna choke you. Nothing is personal.
Speaker 1: It ain't personal, baby, It's an experience. It ain't personal
Speaker 1: at wow. Okay, all right, thank you. In about six weeks,
Speaker 1: let me know how you're doing. Sounds good, and keep
Speaker 1: listening to the r spots. I will be, I will be.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, alright, my love, bye, bye bye
Speaker 1: that listen. It is so important that you are ready
Speaker 1: to do the work that is required to heal. And
Speaker 1: my caller today is not yet ready to forgive her
Speaker 1: mother because she hasn't fully unpacked her feelings about the experience.
Speaker 1: And that's okay. And as I said, it may not
Speaker 1: even be about my caller forgiving her mother, because before
Speaker 1: you can forgive someone for something, you must understand how
Speaker 1: you feel about what you have experienced and how you
Speaker 1: are reacting to it. And that has nothing to do
Speaker 1: with the other person. That's about you, boo, and all
Speaker 1: of that, your feelings, the experiences how you're reacting that
Speaker 1: has to be unpacked. And when you have a breakdown
Speaker 1: with your mother, whether she's alive or not, whether you
Speaker 1: consider it to be her fault or not, the healing
Speaker 1: is your responsibility. My next caller is dealing with a
Speaker 1: similar issue, but he has taken hits to his own
Speaker 1: self image because of his childhood, when in reality he
Speaker 1: is a powerful, strong person who just needs some guidance.
Speaker 1: And we'll get into his call right after the break.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the our Spot. Today we are talking
Speaker 1: about childhood trauma and growing into forgiveness with your mother,
Speaker 1: and we're welcoming my second caller for today, a conversation
Speaker 1: that I think many of you will really gain a
Speaker 1: lot from. Let's listen. Hello, good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to
Speaker 1: the Our Spot. How can I support you today? What
Speaker 1: is your dilemma challenge issue as it relates to relationships. Yes, ma'am, Um,
Speaker 1: I was calling you today to to discuss um the
Speaker 1: relationship with my parents. UM. I don't really feel as
Speaker 1: though you haven't been close EVERT and I've been twenty
Speaker 1: nine years old. Um, I've really been kind of speaking
Speaker 1: next one on one time with them, and if I
Speaker 1: tried to express myself. I've always been told that basically
Speaker 1: like my feelings don't matter. I mean, they apologize to
Speaker 1: really know how. But I feel like sometimes that I've
Speaker 1: been the parents and it's unfair to me because I'm
Speaker 1: the oldest child. But aside from that, I do think
Speaker 1: I've ever had a time to just just leave my
Speaker 1: shoulder on my parents and for them to be there
Speaker 1: for me. I've always hard to seek that love that
Speaker 1: I yearned for from other people. I want you to
Speaker 1: know that I've heard you, and what I heard you
Speaker 1: say is that you're seeking a better relationship with your parents,
Speaker 1: that you want to know that they support you, and
Speaker 1: that you never really had the opportunity to share with
Speaker 1: them the truth of your heart. Yes meal and now
Speaker 1: at the age of twenty nine, this has become important
Speaker 1: to you to be able to have a deeper relationship
Speaker 1: with your parents. Why do you think it's so important
Speaker 1: to you now and not for me to do the
Speaker 1: things I want to do. I feel like I need
Speaker 1: to him, and I feel like that's okay to want
Speaker 1: to and yearn that because they are a lot, They're capable.
Speaker 1: There's just not I don't feel like I've ever been
Speaker 1: a priority. Um, I'm trying to actilate it hinder me
Speaker 1: too much, But unfortunately there's a lot of traumatic a
Speaker 1: bit throughout my life. I'm at a place right now
Speaker 1: to where it though me being quiet is making me
Speaker 1: ill and I don't want to be like. So I'm
Speaker 1: trying to express myself because I'm at a place in
Speaker 1: my life to work. So I want to not only
Speaker 1: make an impact on the world, but I wanted to
Speaker 1: share my journey to see a sense of inspiration illumination
Speaker 1: to someone else. But in order for me to do that,
Speaker 1: I really got to heal a lot of stuff that
Speaker 1: happens to me before. And I feel like just the
Speaker 1: older I get, I'm like, i feel like I'm forgotten
Speaker 1: about like and I'm genuinely thankful and honor to have them.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, since they are here, since
Speaker 1: they are capable, I yearned for that versus me just
Speaker 1: happened to always look up to God or my ancestors
Speaker 1: or someone else's parents or where they're I want mine
Speaker 1: and I feel like that's okay. First of all, I
Speaker 1: want to thank you for trusting me well, first for
Speaker 1: trusting yourself, and then me, and then this our spot
Speaker 1: community with your vulnerability. Vulnerability is something that scares a
Speaker 1: lot of people. And even though we can't see you,
Speaker 1: your voice communicates and your voice touches us in our
Speaker 1: soft places. So that says to me that you are
Speaker 1: in a place of learning to trust that you can
Speaker 1: be safe in sharing the vulnerability of your heart. So
Speaker 1: I want to acknowledge you for that. That's number one. Okay,
Speaker 1: number two, I want you to hear this. I want
Speaker 1: you to hear this with every fiber of your being. Okay.
Speaker 1: The best students get the hardest tests. The best students
Speaker 1: don't get the multiple choice tests a B C D
Speaker 1: where you could guess the right answers sixty percent at
Speaker 1: the time. The best students don't get true and false.
Speaker 1: They don't. So your life is not multiple choice or
Speaker 1: true and false. Your life is fill in the blank.
Speaker 1: Why because you can handle it. The best students get
Speaker 1: the hardest test. Why because they are learning and learning
Speaker 1: to master what it is they're going to have to
Speaker 1: walk out, live and demonstrate for others. So the wisdom
Speaker 1: of the universe would take you into a life experience
Speaker 1: where you have parents who don't give you what it
Speaker 1: is you think you need, but you're not gonna handle it.
Speaker 1: If you continue to stay in the place of wishing
Speaker 1: and hoping and and and yearning for something that you
Speaker 1: don't have and may never get, you are assuming it's
Speaker 1: an assumption that your parents know how to give you
Speaker 1: the love you want. It was something now because every
Speaker 1: child thinks their parents should know. You should they should know,
Speaker 1: they should know, and they can do it. They're just
Speaker 1: not doing it. What good reason would they have for
Speaker 1: not doing it? What do you tell yourself is their
Speaker 1: reason for not doing it? I think that sometimes they
Speaker 1: don't give that to me because that's probably not something
Speaker 1: that they were just too grown up. Yeah, mental health
Speaker 1: is important, and that's not something that always been discussing
Speaker 1: my family, and so like coexisting and making sure that
Speaker 1: you're great to good or school and you're doing well
Speaker 1: and you're staying out of trouble, those things I've always
Speaker 1: been advocated for, both from a suit of mental health
Speaker 1: and just taking time to stop and feel your emotions,
Speaker 1: understand them, and let them pass. These are not things
Speaker 1: that I've had the opportunity to um discussing my family,
Speaker 1: even going back to my grandparents. So I tried to
Speaker 1: be very understanding and before. I'm just trying to make
Speaker 1: people aware and espect myself more because I've never really
Speaker 1: been good at that a growing up as a child,
Speaker 1: I always just followed it up up and I don't know.
Speaker 1: I guess that's still that in a child in me,
Speaker 1: that still is there. I want to talk to the
Speaker 1: six year old little boy who's leaving home to go
Speaker 1: to school, who's gonna be around other kids and see
Speaker 1: other kids with their mothers and fathers, who's gonna make
Speaker 1: up that they go home in their life is much
Speaker 1: better than his. I want to talk to him. Is
Speaker 1: he around just now? Okay, fere the quan. Honey, listen.
Speaker 1: I know you may not understand this. I know this
Speaker 1: may be hard for you to hear. But your parents
Speaker 1: don't have what you want. It's not your fault. It's
Speaker 1: not even about you. They don't have it, baby, And
Speaker 1: in fact, you may be the healthiest one in the room.
Speaker 1: And that's because you're a good student of life. And
Speaker 1: that's because God saws, your creator knew you could handle this.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be hard, baby, but he knew you could
Speaker 1: handle it, yes, ma'am. So what I want you to
Speaker 1: do do Quan is. I want you to depend on
Speaker 1: the big d Quan, the nine year old Dquan, to
Speaker 1: give you what you think your parents didn't because they
Speaker 1: don't have it. Yeah, I want to talk to the
Speaker 1: big du Quan, the nine year old Quan. The best
Speaker 1: students get the hardest tests, and right now your test
Speaker 1: is learning how to parent yourself. I know that's not
Speaker 1: what you want, but hey, you know I want to
Speaker 1: be rich and that. But y'all, I ain't got it.
Speaker 1: Y I'm gonna get there. I want you to hear
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Do not continue to abuse six year
Speaker 1: old du Quan by you at nine yearning for something
Speaker 1: he didn't get. Give it to him. Give yourself that time,
Speaker 1: that energy, that attention, take care of you, talk to him,
Speaker 1: trust your vulnerabilities and it looks this way because you
Speaker 1: can handle it. Did you grow up in the church? Okay?
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna take you to one of my favorite
Speaker 1: places in the Bible songs. In the songs, I call
Speaker 1: him the peace Lambs, because if you really want to
Speaker 1: get some truth, then some I'm healing. Go to the psalms. Okay,
Speaker 1: And there's a song that says, when my father and
Speaker 1: my mother forsake me, then the Lord, the love, the truth,
Speaker 1: the spirit, the soul of who I am will lift
Speaker 1: me up. The nine year old to one has to
Speaker 1: lift that six year old up. And here's how you're
Speaker 1: going to start. What would be different had your parents
Speaker 1: loved you the way you wanted them to love you,
Speaker 1: What would be different? I would be adjusted to uh
Speaker 1: expressing myself so and I feel like sometimes it's a
Speaker 1: crime to do that. I feel like when I tried
Speaker 1: to just genuinely express up, it's always my fault. Oh,
Speaker 1: it's your faults. You know you're upset. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't like to feel like I'm the bad guy
Speaker 1: who expressing myself. If your parents had been who you
Speaker 1: wanted them to be, you would be able to express
Speaker 1: yourself better. First of all, I want you to know
Speaker 1: that in this call, you've expressed yourself very well. But okay,
Speaker 1: and maybe that you want them to agree with what
Speaker 1: you're expressing. Not that you can't express yourself, but that
Speaker 1: they don't agree with what you express Is that a possibility, yes, ma'a. Okay,
Speaker 1: So it's not that you could express yourself, but if
Speaker 1: your parents had been who you want them to be,
Speaker 1: they would agree with me. That's what you tell yourself.
Speaker 1: That's not true. That's not true that they would agree
Speaker 1: with you. You don't know that to be true. You
Speaker 1: could express yourself perfectly, clearly and they still don't agree
Speaker 1: with you. You know, when I feel like I can't
Speaker 1: do it with people or being misunderstood, just going somewhere
Speaker 1: to work that I know that I don't have to
Speaker 1: worry about someone. Jection means that's like a microphone or
Speaker 1: just singing or trying to do something that's always been
Speaker 1: my avenue. Well, healing is a process. It's not gonna
Speaker 1: happen overnight, one day at a time, Asa Yama, I'm
Speaker 1: I definitely am learning that. And I'm not wanting to
Speaker 1: be honest for everybody like me. I'm not that kind
Speaker 1: of guy. But those two by my parents, for sure,
Speaker 1: that's like something that I they don't have it. They
Speaker 1: don't have it. So let me tell you about the
Speaker 1: ruthlessness of the ego. The ego that wants us to
Speaker 1: believe that was separate from God. The ego that wants
Speaker 1: us to believe that we're not good enough, The ego
Speaker 1: that wants us to believe that we're little and insignificant.
Speaker 1: The ego. So the ego has you wanting something that
Speaker 1: you cannot have. You cannot have now at twenty nine,
Speaker 1: the love your parents didn't give you at four or
Speaker 1: five six, You cannot have it, and the ego will
Speaker 1: give you all manner. Look what they're doing over there.
Speaker 1: Look how they treat them, Look what they say to them,
Speaker 1: Look how they're doing this. They should know that that's ego.
Speaker 1: So your first commandment has to be I shall not
Speaker 1: want what I cannot have. That's the first commandment. And
Speaker 1: it's sad why because it's you're learning curriculum to stop
Speaker 1: wanting what you cannot have, and stop wishing things were
Speaker 1: any different than they were before, and to forgive yourself
Speaker 1: for thinking that had you had it, it would be different.
Speaker 1: At twenty nine, you're gonna have self esteem issues. At
Speaker 1: twenty nine, you're gonna have confidence issues that will settle
Speaker 1: out when you get to be around thirty three thirty five.
Speaker 1: Learn to trust yourself, hold yourself differently inside. Learn how
Speaker 1: to give that six year old boy that means you
Speaker 1: what it is you think your parents should have given you.
Speaker 1: Learn how to give that little six year old attention.
Speaker 1: Learn how to listen. When you find yourself irritable or
Speaker 1: upset or breaking down, ask yourself, what am I wanting
Speaker 1: that I cannot have because you you can't go back
Speaker 1: and get that. That's done and love them, bless them.
Speaker 1: That's all you can do. And you're learning to accept
Speaker 1: them just as they are, and maybe one day you
Speaker 1: can express to them. You know, there's a lot I
Speaker 1: wish you had given me that you didn't, but I'm
Speaker 1: learning how to give it to myself. And I forgive
Speaker 1: you for not having what I need. Yes, mal, and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna swallow back and just take it. It's that
Speaker 1: that's something I have to face, and I appreciate you
Speaker 1: for expressing that. And this fall call is not to
Speaker 1: adfort to Yeah, my parents said I loved them genuinely.
Speaker 1: But at the same time you're write I have to
Speaker 1: use a nine year old The corn is um finally
Speaker 1: learning to slowly but shortly because Rome wasn't built in
Speaker 1: the day to deal with that. And I know that's
Speaker 1: how I haven't having a hundred percent help from it.
Speaker 1: But I'm definitely willing to put in that work and
Speaker 1: I know what I'll start with me. Stop trying to
Speaker 1: fix yourself. Stop trying to figure this out. Ask God, life, source,
Speaker 1: the Holy Spirit, whoever you turn to help me, help
Speaker 1: me see this differently, help me do this differently. Help
Speaker 1: me feel better right now. Stop trying to fix yourself.
Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with you. You're a good student, and
Speaker 1: it's okay to be the healthiest person in the room.
Speaker 1: Don't go in the room and say, oh my god,
Speaker 1: everybody in here is broken. Say oh my god, I'm
Speaker 1: the healthiest person in the room. What do I need
Speaker 1: to do to be healthy in this moment? Does that
Speaker 1: make sense? Can you do it? So? What is going
Speaker 1: to be your next step? Well, to accept the truth,
Speaker 1: to make myself happy and three um accomplish everything that
Speaker 1: I and to the diet in this lifetime as well.
Speaker 1: That's when my next steps off. You wanna call me
Speaker 1: in six weeks and let me know how you're doing. Yes, okay, alright,
Speaker 1: my love, be well, Thank you so much, pleasure, Thank
Speaker 1: you so much, Okay, bye bye. Growing past childhood traumas
Speaker 1: can take an enormous amount of energy and effort. That's
Speaker 1: what we call work. Why because you've been carrying it
Speaker 1: around with you for so long. Now it's challenging work,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't have to be hard. First, you must
Speaker 1: recognize and unpack your feelings about what you experienced that
Speaker 1: as a child. Then you have to identify and understand
Speaker 1: the stories you've told yourself about those experiences. After that,
Speaker 1: you must put yourself on the path to forgiveness. Now
Speaker 1: it may be a long road, but it doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be a difficult road, because the thing is, you
Speaker 1: don't just want to say the words about forgiveness. You
Speaker 1: want to experience forgiveness. When you unpack your feelings and
Speaker 1: you understand the story, you are moving on the path
Speaker 1: of experiencing forgiveness. But I'm here to tell you that
Speaker 1: no matter what the situation is, it's all about you, boo,
Speaker 1: and it's up to you to do the work and
Speaker 1: take the steps towards your own healing. And you can
Speaker 1: do that if you're willing to put in the time,
Speaker 1: the energy, and the effort. I hope this has been
Speaker 1: helpful to someone, and if you have a question about
Speaker 1: this or any other relationship issue, you can call me
Speaker 1: live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven
Speaker 1: six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social
Speaker 1: media for all of the calling times and until then,
Speaker 1: stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is
Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart
Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.