1 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:05,600 Speaker 1: I am the Omla. I had a baby daddy relationship, 2 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,559 Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:13,000 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:17,759 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:22,120 Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with 6 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:37,240 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. I know you hate when I repeat 7 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:41,239 Speaker 1: myself over and over, but I do it. So if 8 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:44,800 Speaker 1: I've said this once, I have said it a thousand times. 9 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:51,560 Speaker 1: There is no relationship more difficult to navigate or heal 10 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:56,440 Speaker 1: than the one that involves a breakdown with your mother. 11 00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:01,760 Speaker 1: Your mother is your heartbeat, and the first thing you 12 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:06,880 Speaker 1: heard as your life began was your mother's heart beat. 13 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:10,679 Speaker 1: And moms, they do the best they can. Let me 14 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,840 Speaker 1: own that we do the best we can, but sometimes 15 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:19,200 Speaker 1: it will still result in traumatic experiences and negative stories 16 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:25,680 Speaker 1: that people carry around with them for years into their adulthood. Instead, 17 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:30,600 Speaker 1: we must learn to do the work that leads us 18 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:35,919 Speaker 1: into understanding and forgiveness. My first caller today is having 19 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:41,800 Speaker 1: flashbacks of demeaning experiences from her childhood, and I want 20 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:49,840 Speaker 1: to support her and growing through that into something new. Welcome, Beloved, 21 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:52,680 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Our Spot where we talk about all 22 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:58,200 Speaker 1: things relationships, problems, issues, challenges, breakdowns and questions. Which one 23 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,640 Speaker 1: do you want to nibble on today? Talk to me? Okay. 24 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:04,720 Speaker 1: So I have a background in trauma, meaning I've come 25 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:08,760 Speaker 1: through a lot of trauma, and I find now as 26 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,959 Speaker 1: i move forward and I've been processing and I've gone 27 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:16,919 Speaker 1: through counseling, I find myself um stuck and scared because 28 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:20,640 Speaker 1: I'm ready to move to a new point in my life. 29 00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:23,400 Speaker 1: Like I'm I've been doing the work to get here, 30 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,400 Speaker 1: and it's it's just to get to that next level. 31 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:31,680 Speaker 1: Like what's been coming up now is memories. Like I 32 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:35,120 Speaker 1: was just laughing with my son that, um, I I 33 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:39,959 Speaker 1: dropped something on the table, and the remark that came 34 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,680 Speaker 1: to me, even though I said it as funny, was 35 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:46,800 Speaker 1: one of those disdainful remarks from my past. And everybody, 36 00:02:46,919 --> 00:02:49,080 Speaker 1: you know, my children, recognize that they know what it is. 37 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,840 Speaker 1: But that's instead of feeling like I'm leaving that behind, 38 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:56,160 Speaker 1: I feel like it's caught up with me. Does that 39 00:02:56,240 --> 00:03:00,840 Speaker 1: make sense? Well, it does because anytime time you declare 40 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:04,600 Speaker 1: yourself to be a thing, everything unlike it will show up. 41 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:09,200 Speaker 1: So if you declare yourself to be healed, every unhealed 42 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,840 Speaker 1: place is going to come up. If you declare yourself 43 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:15,720 Speaker 1: to be free, everything that keeps you enslaved is gonna 44 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,640 Speaker 1: come up, and it's coming up for healing. It's coming 45 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:21,760 Speaker 1: to go. But we get stuck in the fact that 46 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,640 Speaker 1: it came up, and Oh, this should not be coming 47 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,400 Speaker 1: up because I've healed this, or this should not be 48 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:30,560 Speaker 1: coming up because I'm free of this. I went to therapy, 49 00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:34,160 Speaker 1: I had full hypnosis sessions. I rubbed they crystals all 50 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 1: my head. This should not be coming up. Okay, how 51 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:46,760 Speaker 1: does one distinguish between your intuition? Because that's what I 52 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,480 Speaker 1: was never allowed to use. How does one distinguish when 53 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:55,560 Speaker 1: something is your intuition as opposed to something that's a trigger, 54 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,880 Speaker 1: a memory trigger. So let me ask you a question. Okay, 55 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,480 Speaker 1: how do you just distinguished between your intuition and a 56 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,839 Speaker 1: memory trigger. I'm still fighting to understand that you Why 57 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:07,800 Speaker 1: do you need to understand it? Just look at what 58 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 1: you've done, because the mere fact that you can ask 59 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:15,680 Speaker 1: the question means that you've already had the experience, but 60 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:19,000 Speaker 1: for some reason you're not trusting what you did in 61 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:22,200 Speaker 1: the experience. Think about a time when you just followed 62 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,560 Speaker 1: your intuition and it took you where you wanted to be. 63 00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:27,480 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, it did, like like like a river flower. 64 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,799 Speaker 1: Yes it is. Yeah. So what did you do? Oh? Many, 65 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,520 Speaker 1: I went to school, I had children, I got married, 66 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:36,400 Speaker 1: even though it wasn't the smartest decisions I made, but 67 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:39,640 Speaker 1: they went when I said, that's what I wanted to do. 68 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:43,880 Speaker 1: That's what enters my life immediately. Whereas this stage right here, 69 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:46,440 Speaker 1: I'm no, I want to move to the next level, 70 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:49,719 Speaker 1: and I keep running against the wall and it feels 71 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:54,640 Speaker 1: like fear. Maybe you're not ready. Maybe you're not ready. 72 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:58,560 Speaker 1: Maybe you're being prepared, and maybe the way that you're 73 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:04,119 Speaker 1: being prepared it is being carefronted, not confronted, but care 74 00:05:04,279 --> 00:05:08,160 Speaker 1: fronted with all of these memory triggers so that you 75 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:11,039 Speaker 1: can practice how to move through them and keep going. 76 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:16,960 Speaker 1: What if you want to move forward but you're not ready, 77 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:21,760 Speaker 1: because life is so wise, and life will keep us 78 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:24,559 Speaker 1: where we need to be until we're ready. Oh my God, 79 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,359 Speaker 1: right to my heart, Yes, ma'am, this is what I 80 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:32,080 Speaker 1: heard you say. What keeps coming up is memories of 81 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:37,600 Speaker 1: the disdainful remarks that I experienced in my past. So 82 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:41,840 Speaker 1: my question would be, how do you deal with disdainful 83 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:47,160 Speaker 1: remarks today, honestly, no, lie to me, lie to me, 84 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:56,120 Speaker 1: don't be honest. Sometimes sometimes I laugh at it, honestly 85 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,880 Speaker 1: when I hear it, because it sounds not only recognizable, 86 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:04,400 Speaker 1: but it's very nasty, mean meaning words that were said 87 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:08,560 Speaker 1: all the time. That's how you experienced it at nasty, 88 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:14,039 Speaker 1: mean and and and what if it was sad and 89 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:19,279 Speaker 1: it was just being voiced as well, that's what you say, 90 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:22,400 Speaker 1: But you don't know what the other person was experiencing. 91 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,120 Speaker 1: This is true, this is this, and this will always 92 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,080 Speaker 1: be the case because she's passed on. So I have 93 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:32,320 Speaker 1: to go by memory. No, you have to go by experience, 94 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:38,440 Speaker 1: not by memory. And here's the distinction. When you go 95 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:43,919 Speaker 1: by memory and you have the flashback, let's say, of 96 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:50,320 Speaker 1: that comment, you re traumatize yourself by remembering what was 97 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,760 Speaker 1: said and what how you reacted and what it led 98 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:58,000 Speaker 1: to and how it changed you. And that's memory. When 99 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:01,040 Speaker 1: you have the experience, it's us what you just said. 100 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:05,479 Speaker 1: I grew up in a in an environment where mean 101 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:09,600 Speaker 1: and nasty things were common, and whatever they were going 102 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 1: through that caused them to behave that way, I'm I'm 103 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:17,600 Speaker 1: willing to forgive it. So I can move on. That's 104 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:21,960 Speaker 1: why I ask you, how do you respond to disdainful 105 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:26,160 Speaker 1: remarks today? Do you go back to what it was? 106 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,280 Speaker 1: Or do you make a new choice about how to 107 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,480 Speaker 1: respond to it today? Because you made up that they 108 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:36,840 Speaker 1: would just mean the nasty vipers, they could have been broken, wounded, 109 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:42,280 Speaker 1: mentally imbalanced, emotionally bankrupt. You don't know what it was. 110 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:45,440 Speaker 1: You only know how you experienced it. How do I 111 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:48,560 Speaker 1: respond to it now? Yeah, when people, when you hear 112 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:52,560 Speaker 1: disdainful comments today, how do you respond to them? I 113 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:58,040 Speaker 1: tend to either freeze or explode, just like back then. 114 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:02,280 Speaker 1: But back then you couldn't explode, so you froze, and 115 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:06,400 Speaker 1: that's where the stuckness is. That's where the stuckness is. 116 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,160 Speaker 1: So what I want to offer you is and this 117 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,680 Speaker 1: may be the readying that the universe is doing for 118 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,520 Speaker 1: you while you haven't really moved forward, but you can't 119 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:21,679 Speaker 1: move forwards freezing or or exploding. That's not gonna work. Okay, 120 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:25,400 Speaker 1: When you hear a disdainful comment, or when a memory 121 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:29,440 Speaker 1: comes up, when a flashback comes up, pivot do something different. 122 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,560 Speaker 1: Don't do what you did then, don't even do what 123 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:39,200 Speaker 1: you do now. Pivot stop, take a breath, observe what's 124 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:43,880 Speaker 1: going on in your body, and then proceed in another direction. 125 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,760 Speaker 1: Don't try to move on, don't try to make sense 126 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,880 Speaker 1: of it, don't try to excuse it, explain it. Take 127 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:56,320 Speaker 1: a breath. Who that hit me? Where did it hit me? 128 00:08:56,679 --> 00:08:58,680 Speaker 1: In my heart and my foot in my eye and 129 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:01,560 Speaker 1: my lip in my ear reminded me of back then, 130 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:04,240 Speaker 1: So let me go over here and do something different. 131 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:08,240 Speaker 1: Because I couldn't run away back then. I had to 132 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,640 Speaker 1: stay back then. So I don't want to be frozen. 133 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:16,800 Speaker 1: Let me proceed in another direction. But the important part 134 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:21,920 Speaker 1: of that, beloved, is the observation part. Stay present to 135 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:25,599 Speaker 1: the feeling that comes up when you hear a disdainful 136 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:30,160 Speaker 1: comment or when you experience something from the past. Stay 137 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:33,960 Speaker 1: present with it. You don't have to do anything about it, 138 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,960 Speaker 1: but don't run from and say, oh, that's sure felt 139 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:41,440 Speaker 1: harsh or that made me feel this or whatever it is. 140 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:47,719 Speaker 1: Stay with it, observe it, become aware of it, and 141 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:54,120 Speaker 1: then pivot go in another direction. You're amazing. Thank you. 142 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:59,880 Speaker 1: When you first started talking, I wrote down four questions 143 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,320 Speaker 1: that I would like you to work with as you 144 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:06,600 Speaker 1: move through these traumas that keep coming up because I 145 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,480 Speaker 1: suspect and I could be wrong. I'm always willing to 146 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,440 Speaker 1: be wrong that the way you are dealing with these 147 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:17,120 Speaker 1: memories is re traumatizing you. I could be wrong. We 148 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:21,160 Speaker 1: are going to get into those four questions right after 149 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:32,440 Speaker 1: this break. Welcome back to the our spot. Right before 150 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,640 Speaker 1: the break, I was about to ask my caller four 151 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:40,880 Speaker 1: questions about her traumatic childhood experiences as a way to 152 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,680 Speaker 1: help her get to the root of the issue. Here 153 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:49,120 Speaker 1: are those questions. I wouldn't wonder. What is the story 154 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:52,680 Speaker 1: you tell yourself about the trauma? And what I mean 155 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,800 Speaker 1: by that it shouldn't have happened. They knew better, they 156 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:58,040 Speaker 1: didn't they felt this way, or they didn't like me, 157 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,600 Speaker 1: they didn't love me, they didn't care. But what is 158 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:04,720 Speaker 1: the story you tell yourself about the trauma? That's one question. 159 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:08,840 Speaker 1: What is the story you tell yourself about who visited 160 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:11,960 Speaker 1: the trauma upon you? I sense I don't know this 161 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:14,199 Speaker 1: to be true. It was your mother or your parents, 162 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:19,880 Speaker 1: or whoever the female was that raised you, Yeah, what 163 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:24,559 Speaker 1: do you tell yourself about her? And that's important because 164 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,240 Speaker 1: particularly if it was your mother or your grandma in 165 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:31,000 Speaker 1: in that line, because you came your bone of their bone, 166 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:34,560 Speaker 1: your flesh of their flesh. So whatever you're telling yourself 167 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:37,000 Speaker 1: about them, there's a part that believes that to be 168 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:42,199 Speaker 1: true about you. Oh, I guess I'm good. I might 169 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:47,760 Speaker 1: call me and have a conversation. The other question, I said, 170 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,240 Speaker 1: what is the story you tell yourself about what the 171 00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:56,600 Speaker 1: trauma has changed in you? What has it caused in you? 172 00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:00,800 Speaker 1: And what has it changed in you? Talk about um 173 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:04,960 Speaker 1: that childhood where you're running, you're jumping puddles, and you're 174 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,840 Speaker 1: you're you don't think about responsibility, you don't think about tomorrow. 175 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,959 Speaker 1: You just enjoy the moment. That is something that I 176 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:17,080 Speaker 1: I do not know how to do, Like the idea 177 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,440 Speaker 1: of running into a puddle and stomping in it just 178 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:24,440 Speaker 1: for the joy of it. Before I even think about it, 179 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:28,480 Speaker 1: I think of, okay, first the trauma, then then I've 180 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,880 Speaker 1: got to clean myself up, and then you're gonna look 181 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:34,640 Speaker 1: so every I don't do that, And sometimes it really does, 182 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:38,800 Speaker 1: like I feel it because I want to be spontaneous 183 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,720 Speaker 1: in the morning a moment, I want to enjoy my 184 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:45,720 Speaker 1: own creativity. But but that's a block I still have 185 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:48,040 Speaker 1: not been able to get back. So the next time 186 00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:50,840 Speaker 1: it rains, Go do it in a puddle. Go to 187 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,920 Speaker 1: the park, go jump in the puddle, and not only 188 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,040 Speaker 1: go jump in the puddle, jump in the puddle in 189 00:12:56,080 --> 00:13:00,160 Speaker 1: white clothes. You know, I don't own any white for 190 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:07,120 Speaker 1: that reason, Oh my god, honestly only I honestly, even 191 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,559 Speaker 1: my wedding dress was not white. I made it bone 192 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,840 Speaker 1: instead of right. I don't wear white for that very reason. 193 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:15,120 Speaker 1: We'll wear some white. How about you wear white for 194 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,160 Speaker 1: the next fourteen days, go by somewhere or something. Oh 195 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:21,559 Speaker 1: my god. Okay, because it seems like you may have 196 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:25,920 Speaker 1: an aversion to or an addiction to perfection, because your 197 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:30,600 Speaker 1: imperfections were highlighted. Yeah, I think addiction to affection or attempt. Yes, man, 198 00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:35,600 Speaker 1: would that be accurate? Yeah, h yeah. So go get 199 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,840 Speaker 1: you some white clothes, oh boy. And the next time 200 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:42,880 Speaker 1: it rains, go to the park and just jump in 201 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,440 Speaker 1: the puddle. Jump in the puddle. And when you have 202 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,480 Speaker 1: to go home and clean yourself, have fun with it. 203 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,640 Speaker 1: Do you have fun? I mean, because you're just gonna 204 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:55,760 Speaker 1: reverse that experience. But but look at those four questions. 205 00:13:55,840 --> 00:14:00,160 Speaker 1: What is the story you told yourself about trauma? About them? 206 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,120 Speaker 1: What is the story you told yourself about who visited 207 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:05,240 Speaker 1: it upon you. And when I say the story you 208 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:08,280 Speaker 1: tell yourself, I'm talking about what is it that you 209 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:10,440 Speaker 1: looked at that person and said they shouldn't do this, 210 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,080 Speaker 1: they know better. They do it because they hate me. 211 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,440 Speaker 1: They do it because they wretched that because I'm wretched. 212 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,720 Speaker 1: What is that story? You've got to dismantle that and 213 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:21,080 Speaker 1: stay present with the feelings. What is the story you 214 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:24,080 Speaker 1: tell yourself about what it caused you? And what is 215 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:27,760 Speaker 1: the story you tell yourself about how it changed you? Because, beloved, 216 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:31,080 Speaker 1: you may be more attached to the trauma than you 217 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:34,080 Speaker 1: are to your healing. You're right about that. That's my 218 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,120 Speaker 1: That's a concern of mine that, now that I'm actually 219 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,960 Speaker 1: ready to step into the healing, like to live it, 220 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,200 Speaker 1: I'm afraid to do that. I'm afraid of who I'm 221 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:45,960 Speaker 1: going to become. Because who you're going to become is 222 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,600 Speaker 1: a contradiction to who they told you you were or 223 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,240 Speaker 1: who they led you to believe you were. So you're 224 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:55,160 Speaker 1: getting ready to contradict that, and the little girl in 225 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:59,920 Speaker 1: you has a fear of contradicting. The big people gave 226 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,000 Speaker 1: you four questions. I really want you to work with them, 227 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,680 Speaker 1: work with them in your journal, work with them in 228 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:11,000 Speaker 1: your prayer, work with them, and write this down. Nothing 229 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:15,360 Speaker 1: is permanent, so the trauma isn't permanent, but you may 230 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:19,200 Speaker 1: be telling yourself that what it caused in you cannot 231 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:27,040 Speaker 1: be changed. Nothing is perfect nothing. Nothing is perfect, no relationship, 232 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:32,360 Speaker 1: no person, no healing modality. Nothing is perfect, and you 233 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:36,520 Speaker 1: have an addiction to perfection. I gotta get it right, 234 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,120 Speaker 1: I gotta do it right. I gotta be right. I 235 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,720 Speaker 1: want you to think of that in a different way 236 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:47,360 Speaker 1: instead of saying I've got to be right. I'm willing 237 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:52,920 Speaker 1: to be wrong. Yeah, take a breath. I'm willing to 238 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,080 Speaker 1: mess up. I'm willing to look stupid. I'm willing. All 239 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:59,640 Speaker 1: you gotta do is be willing. If you're willing, the 240 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:03,480 Speaker 1: Holy Spirit will give you the other fort Willing to 241 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,560 Speaker 1: be wrong, I'm willing to mess up, and I'm willing 242 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:08,520 Speaker 1: to be embarrassed. I'm willing to make a fool out 243 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:13,080 Speaker 1: of myself. I'm willing. I'm willing. I remember being challenged 244 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:16,239 Speaker 1: by that, not only because I'm a virgo and I'm obsessive, 245 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:19,440 Speaker 1: but because I also I grew up in an environment 246 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,600 Speaker 1: where I didn't have to be right, but I couldn't 247 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:25,560 Speaker 1: be wrong. I could not be wrong. There's a very 248 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,680 Speaker 1: slight distinction, and I won't go into that now, but 249 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,840 Speaker 1: I remember one of my teachers says, I want you 250 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:34,120 Speaker 1: to go buy an outfit that you would never wear. 251 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:40,200 Speaker 1: Polka dot skirt, plaid shirt, you know, white, go, go boots, 252 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:43,040 Speaker 1: whatever it is said. I want you to go, and 253 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,720 Speaker 1: I want you to go to three places in that outfit. 254 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:49,760 Speaker 1: Go to the Walmart, go to the supermarket, go to 255 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,640 Speaker 1: the you know, go to the mall and walk around 256 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:56,440 Speaker 1: and live through people staring at you, pointing or what 257 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:59,600 Speaker 1: you think people will be staring at you because the nowadays, 258 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:03,120 Speaker 1: with clean hair and piercings in your eyebrows, people won't 259 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:08,120 Speaker 1: even look. But you know, but it's not for them, 260 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,640 Speaker 1: it's for you to know you can look like that, 261 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:16,359 Speaker 1: be like that and survive. So I went and got 262 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,560 Speaker 1: some of them tied up orthopedic shoes that I would would, 263 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:22,200 Speaker 1: you know, just kill me, I would never be called 264 00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:24,240 Speaker 1: dead or that. I got me a wig and put 265 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,840 Speaker 1: it on backwards, and I got me a church lady 266 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,560 Speaker 1: hat and put the hat on top of the wig, 267 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,040 Speaker 1: and I got I had on like I don't know. 268 00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:37,160 Speaker 1: Some kind of plaid polyester skirt and just something. I mean, 269 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,359 Speaker 1: it was just ridiculous. I just went to the thrift 270 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,880 Speaker 1: shop and bought, you know, fifteen dollars worth of clothes 271 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:46,800 Speaker 1: and went to the mall and walked around, and I 272 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,760 Speaker 1: wasn't even looking at the people. I just wanted to 273 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,840 Speaker 1: deal with the feelings that I had as they came. Okay, 274 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,280 Speaker 1: who's looking at me? And what did they say? I mean, 275 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,879 Speaker 1: you know, And then I went to the counter to 276 00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,399 Speaker 1: try to buy something. And you know, my thing was 277 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:03,840 Speaker 1: red lipstick. Because I grew up in a strictly religious 278 00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,520 Speaker 1: environment where you couldn't wear lipstick. I went to the counter, 279 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,000 Speaker 1: looking like a fool in them clothes and try it 280 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,720 Speaker 1: on every red lipstick I could possibly put my hands on, 281 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:16,120 Speaker 1: and dealt with the feeling of it. And I stayed 282 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,880 Speaker 1: stayed with the feelings, stay with the feeling, and then 283 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:23,040 Speaker 1: when the feeling comes up and you observe what it is, 284 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:27,000 Speaker 1: then pivot and do something else. By the red lipstick, 285 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,720 Speaker 1: take the wig off, scratch your head, then put the 286 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:39,119 Speaker 1: wig back on in public, you know, something that you 287 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,960 Speaker 1: would rather die than to see people, you know, because 288 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,920 Speaker 1: people buy these wigs thinking that this their here, ain't 289 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:48,120 Speaker 1: you here? Take it off in public, scratch and then 290 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:52,320 Speaker 1: put the wig back on backwards. Okay. And the next 291 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:58,080 Speaker 1: time it rains, get you something white and go play 292 00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:02,840 Speaker 1: in the mud. All right. Nothing is permanent, nothing is perfect, 293 00:19:03,119 --> 00:19:07,720 Speaker 1: and this one is gonna choke you. Nothing is personal. 294 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:15,879 Speaker 1: It ain't personal, baby, It's an experience. It ain't personal 295 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:23,800 Speaker 1: at wow. Okay, all right, thank you. In about six weeks, 296 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:27,000 Speaker 1: let me know how you're doing. Sounds good, and keep 297 00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:31,159 Speaker 1: listening to the r spots. I will be, I will be. 298 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:35,520 Speaker 1: Thank you so much, alright, my love, bye, bye bye 299 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:44,000 Speaker 1: that listen. It is so important that you are ready 300 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:47,800 Speaker 1: to do the work that is required to heal. And 301 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:52,480 Speaker 1: my caller today is not yet ready to forgive her 302 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:58,400 Speaker 1: mother because she hasn't fully unpacked her feelings about the experience. 303 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:02,119 Speaker 1: And that's okay. And as I said, it may not 304 00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:06,679 Speaker 1: even be about my caller forgiving her mother, because before 305 00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:11,399 Speaker 1: you can forgive someone for something, you must understand how 306 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:15,760 Speaker 1: you feel about what you have experienced and how you 307 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,080 Speaker 1: are reacting to it. And that has nothing to do 308 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,680 Speaker 1: with the other person. That's about you, boo, and all 309 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:27,000 Speaker 1: of that, your feelings, the experiences how you're reacting that 310 00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:30,680 Speaker 1: has to be unpacked. And when you have a breakdown 311 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:34,639 Speaker 1: with your mother, whether she's alive or not, whether you 312 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:38,240 Speaker 1: consider it to be her fault or not, the healing 313 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:43,399 Speaker 1: is your responsibility. My next caller is dealing with a 314 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:47,920 Speaker 1: similar issue, but he has taken hits to his own 315 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:52,119 Speaker 1: self image because of his childhood, when in reality he 316 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:56,359 Speaker 1: is a powerful, strong person who just needs some guidance. 317 00:20:56,760 --> 00:21:00,119 Speaker 1: And we'll get into his call right after the break. 318 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,280 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the our Spot. Today we are talking 319 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:17,400 Speaker 1: about childhood trauma and growing into forgiveness with your mother, 320 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:21,960 Speaker 1: and we're welcoming my second caller for today, a conversation 321 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:26,119 Speaker 1: that I think many of you will really gain a 322 00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:32,359 Speaker 1: lot from. Let's listen. Hello, good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to 323 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,119 Speaker 1: the Our Spot. How can I support you today? What 324 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:41,920 Speaker 1: is your dilemma challenge issue as it relates to relationships. Yes, ma'am, Um, 325 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,600 Speaker 1: I was calling you today to to discuss um the 326 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,639 Speaker 1: relationship with my parents. UM. I don't really feel as 327 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,320 Speaker 1: though you haven't been close EVERT and I've been twenty 328 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,679 Speaker 1: nine years old. Um, I've really been kind of speaking 329 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:57,000 Speaker 1: next one on one time with them, and if I 330 00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:00,960 Speaker 1: tried to express myself. I've always been told that basically 331 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,760 Speaker 1: like my feelings don't matter. I mean, they apologize to 332 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:07,040 Speaker 1: really know how. But I feel like sometimes that I've 333 00:22:07,119 --> 00:22:09,600 Speaker 1: been the parents and it's unfair to me because I'm 334 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:13,760 Speaker 1: the oldest child. But aside from that, I do think 335 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,439 Speaker 1: I've ever had a time to just just leave my 336 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,640 Speaker 1: shoulder on my parents and for them to be there 337 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:21,440 Speaker 1: for me. I've always hard to seek that love that 338 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,439 Speaker 1: I yearned for from other people. I want you to 339 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:28,360 Speaker 1: know that I've heard you, and what I heard you 340 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:33,760 Speaker 1: say is that you're seeking a better relationship with your parents, 341 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:37,200 Speaker 1: that you want to know that they support you, and 342 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:40,679 Speaker 1: that you never really had the opportunity to share with 343 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:44,440 Speaker 1: them the truth of your heart. Yes meal and now 344 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:49,480 Speaker 1: at the age of twenty nine, this has become important 345 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,640 Speaker 1: to you to be able to have a deeper relationship 346 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:55,639 Speaker 1: with your parents. Why do you think it's so important 347 00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:58,080 Speaker 1: to you now and not for me to do the 348 00:22:58,160 --> 00:22:59,840 Speaker 1: things I want to do. I feel like I need 349 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:01,960 Speaker 1: to him, and I feel like that's okay to want 350 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,880 Speaker 1: to and yearn that because they are a lot, They're capable. 351 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,280 Speaker 1: There's just not I don't feel like I've ever been 352 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:11,399 Speaker 1: a priority. Um, I'm trying to actilate it hinder me 353 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,480 Speaker 1: too much, But unfortunately there's a lot of traumatic a 354 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,399 Speaker 1: bit throughout my life. I'm at a place right now 355 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,359 Speaker 1: to where it though me being quiet is making me 356 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,240 Speaker 1: ill and I don't want to be like. So I'm 357 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:23,600 Speaker 1: trying to express myself because I'm at a place in 358 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:26,280 Speaker 1: my life to work. So I want to not only 359 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:28,359 Speaker 1: make an impact on the world, but I wanted to 360 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:31,680 Speaker 1: share my journey to see a sense of inspiration illumination 361 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,520 Speaker 1: to someone else. But in order for me to do that, 362 00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:34,840 Speaker 1: I really got to heal a lot of stuff that 363 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,399 Speaker 1: happens to me before. And I feel like just the 364 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:39,600 Speaker 1: older I get, I'm like, i feel like I'm forgotten 365 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,600 Speaker 1: about like and I'm genuinely thankful and honor to have them. 366 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,960 Speaker 1: But at the same time, since they are here, since 367 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,240 Speaker 1: they are capable, I yearned for that versus me just 368 00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:49,560 Speaker 1: happened to always look up to God or my ancestors 369 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:52,359 Speaker 1: or someone else's parents or where they're I want mine 370 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:54,639 Speaker 1: and I feel like that's okay. First of all, I 371 00:23:54,680 --> 00:24:00,040 Speaker 1: want to thank you for trusting me well, first for 372 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:05,600 Speaker 1: trusting yourself, and then me, and then this our spot 373 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:12,439 Speaker 1: community with your vulnerability. Vulnerability is something that scares a 374 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:16,680 Speaker 1: lot of people. And even though we can't see you, 375 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:21,200 Speaker 1: your voice communicates and your voice touches us in our 376 00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:26,840 Speaker 1: soft places. So that says to me that you are 377 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:30,919 Speaker 1: in a place of learning to trust that you can 378 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:35,560 Speaker 1: be safe in sharing the vulnerability of your heart. So 379 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,919 Speaker 1: I want to acknowledge you for that. That's number one. Okay, 380 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:43,080 Speaker 1: number two, I want you to hear this. I want 381 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:48,520 Speaker 1: you to hear this with every fiber of your being. Okay. 382 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:55,280 Speaker 1: The best students get the hardest tests. The best students 383 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:58,040 Speaker 1: don't get the multiple choice tests a B C D 384 00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:00,840 Speaker 1: where you could guess the right answers sixty percent at 385 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:04,440 Speaker 1: the time. The best students don't get true and false. 386 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:08,040 Speaker 1: They don't. So your life is not multiple choice or 387 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:11,040 Speaker 1: true and false. Your life is fill in the blank. 388 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:16,760 Speaker 1: Why because you can handle it. The best students get 389 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:21,959 Speaker 1: the hardest test. Why because they are learning and learning 390 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:25,119 Speaker 1: to master what it is they're going to have to 391 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:32,480 Speaker 1: walk out, live and demonstrate for others. So the wisdom 392 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:36,680 Speaker 1: of the universe would take you into a life experience 393 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:41,480 Speaker 1: where you have parents who don't give you what it 394 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:44,679 Speaker 1: is you think you need, but you're not gonna handle it. 395 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:48,240 Speaker 1: If you continue to stay in the place of wishing 396 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,919 Speaker 1: and hoping and and and yearning for something that you 397 00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:57,240 Speaker 1: don't have and may never get, you are assuming it's 398 00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:02,000 Speaker 1: an assumption that your parents know how to give you 399 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:05,320 Speaker 1: the love you want. It was something now because every 400 00:26:05,359 --> 00:26:08,360 Speaker 1: child thinks their parents should know. You should they should know, 401 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,919 Speaker 1: they should know, and they can do it. They're just 402 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,679 Speaker 1: not doing it. What good reason would they have for 403 00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:17,480 Speaker 1: not doing it? What do you tell yourself is their 404 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:21,560 Speaker 1: reason for not doing it? I think that sometimes they 405 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,960 Speaker 1: don't give that to me because that's probably not something 406 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:31,600 Speaker 1: that they were just too grown up. Yeah, mental health 407 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:35,159 Speaker 1: is important, and that's not something that always been discussing 408 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:38,359 Speaker 1: my family, and so like coexisting and making sure that 409 00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:41,680 Speaker 1: you're great to good or school and you're doing well 410 00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:44,200 Speaker 1: and you're staying out of trouble, those things I've always 411 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:46,960 Speaker 1: been advocated for, both from a suit of mental health 412 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:49,760 Speaker 1: and just taking time to stop and feel your emotions, 413 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:52,359 Speaker 1: understand them, and let them pass. These are not things 414 00:26:52,359 --> 00:26:55,480 Speaker 1: that I've had the opportunity to um discussing my family, 415 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:58,560 Speaker 1: even going back to my grandparents. So I tried to 416 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,040 Speaker 1: be very understanding and before. I'm just trying to make 417 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,520 Speaker 1: people aware and espect myself more because I've never really 418 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,680 Speaker 1: been good at that a growing up as a child, 419 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:10,479 Speaker 1: I always just followed it up up and I don't know. 420 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,159 Speaker 1: I guess that's still that in a child in me, 421 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:14,760 Speaker 1: that still is there. I want to talk to the 422 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:18,239 Speaker 1: six year old little boy who's leaving home to go 423 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:22,000 Speaker 1: to school, who's gonna be around other kids and see 424 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,439 Speaker 1: other kids with their mothers and fathers, who's gonna make 425 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:27,680 Speaker 1: up that they go home in their life is much 426 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:29,480 Speaker 1: better than his. I want to talk to him. Is 427 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:36,080 Speaker 1: he around just now? Okay, fere the quan. Honey, listen. 428 00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:40,520 Speaker 1: I know you may not understand this. I know this 429 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:44,000 Speaker 1: may be hard for you to hear. But your parents 430 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:48,920 Speaker 1: don't have what you want. It's not your fault. It's 431 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:52,959 Speaker 1: not even about you. They don't have it, baby, And 432 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:57,920 Speaker 1: in fact, you may be the healthiest one in the room. 433 00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:00,879 Speaker 1: And that's because you're a good student of life. And 434 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:05,080 Speaker 1: that's because God saws, your creator knew you could handle this. 435 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:08,160 Speaker 1: It's gonna be hard, baby, but he knew you could 436 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:11,399 Speaker 1: handle it, yes, ma'am. So what I want you to 437 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:15,879 Speaker 1: do do Quan is. I want you to depend on 438 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:20,480 Speaker 1: the big d Quan, the nine year old Dquan, to 439 00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:25,840 Speaker 1: give you what you think your parents didn't because they 440 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:29,560 Speaker 1: don't have it. Yeah, I want to talk to the 441 00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:32,560 Speaker 1: big du Quan, the nine year old Quan. The best 442 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:37,119 Speaker 1: students get the hardest tests, and right now your test 443 00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:41,960 Speaker 1: is learning how to parent yourself. I know that's not 444 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:46,280 Speaker 1: what you want, but hey, you know I want to 445 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:48,200 Speaker 1: be rich and that. But y'all, I ain't got it. 446 00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:52,320 Speaker 1: Y I'm gonna get there. I want you to hear 447 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:58,280 Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Do not continue to abuse six year 448 00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:03,760 Speaker 1: old du Quan by you at nine yearning for something 449 00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:08,560 Speaker 1: he didn't get. Give it to him. Give yourself that time, 450 00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:13,680 Speaker 1: that energy, that attention, take care of you, talk to him, 451 00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:19,000 Speaker 1: trust your vulnerabilities and it looks this way because you 452 00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:24,160 Speaker 1: can handle it. Did you grow up in the church? Okay? 453 00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:27,360 Speaker 1: So I'm gonna take you to one of my favorite 454 00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:32,840 Speaker 1: places in the Bible songs. In the songs, I call 455 00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:36,440 Speaker 1: him the peace Lambs, because if you really want to 456 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:40,040 Speaker 1: get some truth, then some I'm healing. Go to the psalms. Okay, 457 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:44,720 Speaker 1: And there's a song that says, when my father and 458 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:51,800 Speaker 1: my mother forsake me, then the Lord, the love, the truth, 459 00:29:52,560 --> 00:29:57,480 Speaker 1: the spirit, the soul of who I am will lift 460 00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:01,040 Speaker 1: me up. The nine year old to one has to 461 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:04,280 Speaker 1: lift that six year old up. And here's how you're 462 00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:07,760 Speaker 1: going to start. What would be different had your parents 463 00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:09,720 Speaker 1: loved you the way you wanted them to love you, 464 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:13,680 Speaker 1: What would be different? I would be adjusted to uh 465 00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:17,280 Speaker 1: expressing myself so and I feel like sometimes it's a 466 00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:19,960 Speaker 1: crime to do that. I feel like when I tried 467 00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:23,920 Speaker 1: to just genuinely express up, it's always my fault. Oh, 468 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:28,239 Speaker 1: it's your faults. You know you're upset. I don't know. 469 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:30,360 Speaker 1: I don't like to feel like I'm the bad guy 470 00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:34,080 Speaker 1: who expressing myself. If your parents had been who you 471 00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:37,120 Speaker 1: wanted them to be, you would be able to express 472 00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:39,320 Speaker 1: yourself better. First of all, I want you to know 473 00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:42,400 Speaker 1: that in this call, you've expressed yourself very well. But okay, 474 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:46,640 Speaker 1: and maybe that you want them to agree with what 475 00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:50,160 Speaker 1: you're expressing. Not that you can't express yourself, but that 476 00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:55,240 Speaker 1: they don't agree with what you express Is that a possibility, yes, ma'a. Okay, 477 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:58,680 Speaker 1: So it's not that you could express yourself, but if 478 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:01,440 Speaker 1: your parents had been who you want them to be, 479 00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:04,520 Speaker 1: they would agree with me. That's what you tell yourself. 480 00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:09,160 Speaker 1: That's not true. That's not true that they would agree 481 00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:11,600 Speaker 1: with you. You don't know that to be true. You 482 00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:14,840 Speaker 1: could express yourself perfectly, clearly and they still don't agree 483 00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:16,800 Speaker 1: with you. You know, when I feel like I can't 484 00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:20,560 Speaker 1: do it with people or being misunderstood, just going somewhere 485 00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:22,200 Speaker 1: to work that I know that I don't have to 486 00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:24,760 Speaker 1: worry about someone. Jection means that's like a microphone or 487 00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:27,280 Speaker 1: just singing or trying to do something that's always been 488 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:30,200 Speaker 1: my avenue. Well, healing is a process. It's not gonna 489 00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:34,000 Speaker 1: happen overnight, one day at a time, Asa Yama, I'm 490 00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:37,080 Speaker 1: I definitely am learning that. And I'm not wanting to 491 00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:39,080 Speaker 1: be honest for everybody like me. I'm not that kind 492 00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:41,920 Speaker 1: of guy. But those two by my parents, for sure, 493 00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:45,800 Speaker 1: that's like something that I they don't have it. They 494 00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:47,920 Speaker 1: don't have it. So let me tell you about the 495 00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:51,240 Speaker 1: ruthlessness of the ego. The ego that wants us to 496 00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:54,040 Speaker 1: believe that was separate from God. The ego that wants 497 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:56,560 Speaker 1: us to believe that we're not good enough, The ego 498 00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:59,600 Speaker 1: that wants us to believe that we're little and insignificant. 499 00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:04,480 Speaker 1: The ego. So the ego has you wanting something that 500 00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:09,680 Speaker 1: you cannot have. You cannot have now at twenty nine, 501 00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:12,400 Speaker 1: the love your parents didn't give you at four or 502 00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:15,480 Speaker 1: five six, You cannot have it, and the ego will 503 00:32:15,520 --> 00:32:18,280 Speaker 1: give you all manner. Look what they're doing over there. 504 00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:20,480 Speaker 1: Look how they treat them, Look what they say to them, 505 00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:23,640 Speaker 1: Look how they're doing this. They should know that that's ego. 506 00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:27,800 Speaker 1: So your first commandment has to be I shall not 507 00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:33,360 Speaker 1: want what I cannot have. That's the first commandment. And 508 00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:37,640 Speaker 1: it's sad why because it's you're learning curriculum to stop 509 00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:40,760 Speaker 1: wanting what you cannot have, and stop wishing things were 510 00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:44,000 Speaker 1: any different than they were before, and to forgive yourself 511 00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:47,600 Speaker 1: for thinking that had you had it, it would be different. 512 00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:50,200 Speaker 1: At twenty nine, you're gonna have self esteem issues. At 513 00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:53,080 Speaker 1: twenty nine, you're gonna have confidence issues that will settle 514 00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:55,520 Speaker 1: out when you get to be around thirty three thirty five. 515 00:32:56,320 --> 00:33:00,959 Speaker 1: Learn to trust yourself, hold yourself differently inside. Learn how 516 00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:04,000 Speaker 1: to give that six year old boy that means you 517 00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:07,000 Speaker 1: what it is you think your parents should have given you. 518 00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:10,200 Speaker 1: Learn how to give that little six year old attention. 519 00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:15,000 Speaker 1: Learn how to listen. When you find yourself irritable or 520 00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:19,240 Speaker 1: upset or breaking down, ask yourself, what am I wanting 521 00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:22,760 Speaker 1: that I cannot have because you you can't go back 522 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:27,440 Speaker 1: and get that. That's done and love them, bless them. 523 00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:30,800 Speaker 1: That's all you can do. And you're learning to accept 524 00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:33,959 Speaker 1: them just as they are, and maybe one day you 525 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:37,600 Speaker 1: can express to them. You know, there's a lot I 526 00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:40,280 Speaker 1: wish you had given me that you didn't, but I'm 527 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:43,040 Speaker 1: learning how to give it to myself. And I forgive 528 00:33:43,080 --> 00:33:46,400 Speaker 1: you for not having what I need. Yes, mal, and 529 00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:48,920 Speaker 1: I'm gonna swallow back and just take it. It's that 530 00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:51,440 Speaker 1: that's something I have to face, and I appreciate you 531 00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:54,440 Speaker 1: for expressing that. And this fall call is not to 532 00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:57,200 Speaker 1: adfort to Yeah, my parents said I loved them genuinely. 533 00:33:57,200 --> 00:33:59,200 Speaker 1: But at the same time you're write I have to 534 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:02,800 Speaker 1: use a nine year old The corn is um finally 535 00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:05,880 Speaker 1: learning to slowly but shortly because Rome wasn't built in 536 00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:07,520 Speaker 1: the day to deal with that. And I know that's 537 00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:09,480 Speaker 1: how I haven't having a hundred percent help from it. 538 00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:12,239 Speaker 1: But I'm definitely willing to put in that work and 539 00:34:12,239 --> 00:34:14,640 Speaker 1: I know what I'll start with me. Stop trying to 540 00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:19,360 Speaker 1: fix yourself. Stop trying to figure this out. Ask God, life, source, 541 00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:23,799 Speaker 1: the Holy Spirit, whoever you turn to help me, help 542 00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:26,719 Speaker 1: me see this differently, help me do this differently. Help 543 00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:29,800 Speaker 1: me feel better right now. Stop trying to fix yourself. 544 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:32,600 Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with you. You're a good student, and 545 00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:34,919 Speaker 1: it's okay to be the healthiest person in the room. 546 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:37,399 Speaker 1: Don't go in the room and say, oh my god, 547 00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:40,600 Speaker 1: everybody in here is broken. Say oh my god, I'm 548 00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:43,399 Speaker 1: the healthiest person in the room. What do I need 549 00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:47,520 Speaker 1: to do to be healthy in this moment? Does that 550 00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:51,480 Speaker 1: make sense? Can you do it? So? What is going 551 00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:54,760 Speaker 1: to be your next step? Well, to accept the truth, 552 00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:59,279 Speaker 1: to make myself happy and three um accomplish everything that 553 00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:01,959 Speaker 1: I and to the diet in this lifetime as well. 554 00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:04,759 Speaker 1: That's when my next steps off. You wanna call me 555 00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:09,440 Speaker 1: in six weeks and let me know how you're doing. Yes, okay, alright, 556 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:12,440 Speaker 1: my love, be well, Thank you so much, pleasure, Thank 557 00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:19,320 Speaker 1: you so much, Okay, bye bye. Growing past childhood traumas 558 00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:25,200 Speaker 1: can take an enormous amount of energy and effort. That's 559 00:35:25,239 --> 00:35:29,000 Speaker 1: what we call work. Why because you've been carrying it 560 00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:33,960 Speaker 1: around with you for so long. Now it's challenging work, 561 00:35:34,080 --> 00:35:38,320 Speaker 1: but it doesn't have to be hard. First, you must 562 00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:43,759 Speaker 1: recognize and unpack your feelings about what you experienced that 563 00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:49,160 Speaker 1: as a child. Then you have to identify and understand 564 00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:54,799 Speaker 1: the stories you've told yourself about those experiences. After that, 565 00:35:55,239 --> 00:35:59,839 Speaker 1: you must put yourself on the path to forgiveness. Now 566 00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:03,560 Speaker 1: it may be a long road, but it doesn't have 567 00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:07,600 Speaker 1: to be a difficult road, because the thing is, you 568 00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:10,920 Speaker 1: don't just want to say the words about forgiveness. You 569 00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:16,319 Speaker 1: want to experience forgiveness. When you unpack your feelings and 570 00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:19,560 Speaker 1: you understand the story, you are moving on the path 571 00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:25,600 Speaker 1: of experiencing forgiveness. But I'm here to tell you that 572 00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:31,000 Speaker 1: no matter what the situation is, it's all about you, boo, 573 00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:33,359 Speaker 1: and it's up to you to do the work and 574 00:36:33,480 --> 00:36:38,000 Speaker 1: take the steps towards your own healing. And you can 575 00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:41,360 Speaker 1: do that if you're willing to put in the time, 576 00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:45,680 Speaker 1: the energy, and the effort. I hope this has been 577 00:36:45,719 --> 00:36:48,920 Speaker 1: helpful to someone, and if you have a question about 578 00:36:49,000 --> 00:36:52,840 Speaker 1: this or any other relationship issue, you can call me 579 00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:57,120 Speaker 1: live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven 580 00:36:57,200 --> 00:36:59,720 Speaker 1: six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social 581 00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:03,359 Speaker 1: media for all of the calling times and until then, 582 00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:12,680 Speaker 1: stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is 583 00:37:12,719 --> 00:37:17,240 Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. 584 00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:21,840 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart 585 00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:25,960 Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your 586 00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:26,800 Speaker 1: favorite shows.