1 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,920 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch 2 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:16,120 Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. 3 00:00:16,239 --> 00:00:18,400 Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you are new to 4 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:22,840 Speaker 1: couch Talks and are unfamiliar with what that is, it 5 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:26,400 Speaker 1: is the bonus episode of You Need Therapy, where I 6 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:31,080 Speaker 1: every Wednesday answer questions that listeners send to me and 7 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:34,560 Speaker 1: you can send those to Katherine at Need Therapy podcast 8 00:00:35,159 --> 00:00:39,440 Speaker 1: dot com. Now, as always, I like to remind you 9 00:00:39,479 --> 00:00:43,320 Speaker 1: guys that although I am answering your questions in these episodes, 10 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:46,800 Speaker 1: this podcast still does not serve as a replacement or 11 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:52,879 Speaker 1: substitute for any mental health services and is not actually therapy, 12 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:55,800 Speaker 1: even though I am a therapist and it's called You 13 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,800 Speaker 1: Need Therapy. So each week I like to answer one 14 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:03,320 Speaker 1: question and we always keep them anonymous. So I want 15 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:05,000 Speaker 1: you guys to know if you are feeling like you 16 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 1: want to send something in, you can do that without 17 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,840 Speaker 1: being afraid that you were going to be exposed or 18 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:14,120 Speaker 1: people were going to know your stuff, unless, of course, 19 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:17,080 Speaker 1: you give me information in this email that is going 20 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,399 Speaker 1: to do that. But I won't read your name, your 21 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:21,959 Speaker 1: email address, any of that where you're from, so you 22 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:25,440 Speaker 1: can feel safe in doing that, so I think maybe 23 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:27,360 Speaker 1: we should just get into this week's question. It's a 24 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:31,959 Speaker 1: good one and it's an interesting one. Hey, kat, I've 25 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,360 Speaker 1: been listening to the podcast for a while and never 26 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:38,560 Speaker 1: actually imagine myself writing you an email, But I have 27 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,440 Speaker 1: recently experienced something that I would love your thoughts on. 28 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,039 Speaker 1: This is something I don't really want to talk a 29 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,840 Speaker 1: lot about with my friends because I don't want it 30 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:49,720 Speaker 1: to affect the way they feel about the person that 31 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:54,240 Speaker 1: I'm dating. Basically, I've been dating somebody for about six months. 32 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,800 Speaker 1: It started kind of slow, but in the last few 33 00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:59,880 Speaker 1: months we've really become very close and I actually see 34 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:03,000 Speaker 1: that this person as my future husband. We decided to 35 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,520 Speaker 1: move in together, and a couple of weeks ago, we 36 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:09,320 Speaker 1: spent the weekend packing up his apartment in preparation to 37 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:13,120 Speaker 1: move him into mine. Well, while going through one of 38 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:16,920 Speaker 1: his drawers, I found something I was not expecting. I 39 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:21,880 Speaker 1: found a box full of his ex girlfriend's stuff. There 40 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:25,320 Speaker 1: were pictures, a couple cards, and what seemed to be 41 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:31,520 Speaker 1: just little trinkets and memorabilia from their relationship. When I 42 00:02:31,639 --> 00:02:34,840 Speaker 1: asked my boyfriend why he still has this stuff, he 43 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:38,919 Speaker 1: appeared to be unfazed. He said, they are just memories 44 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,959 Speaker 1: that are still important to him, and he didn't feel 45 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:44,880 Speaker 1: comfortable throwing them away. I personally don't feel comfortable with 46 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,959 Speaker 1: him storing a box of his ex's memories in my house. 47 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:50,760 Speaker 1: He broke up with his ex about a year before 48 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:55,160 Speaker 1: we started dating, and says in quotes things ended on 49 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,560 Speaker 1: good terms and they just weren't compatible for a life together. 50 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:02,560 Speaker 1: To admit it, but this experience has made me feel 51 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:05,520 Speaker 1: really scared and question if he is really over his 52 00:03:05,639 --> 00:03:08,480 Speaker 1: ex and if we should be taking the next step, 53 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:11,679 Speaker 1: which is him moving in with me. I feel very 54 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:14,679 Speaker 1: emotional and want to make sure I am not overreacting, 55 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,160 Speaker 1: But I also don't want to ignore something. If it 56 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,240 Speaker 1: is a red flag, should I be concerned or should 57 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:23,200 Speaker 1: I let this go okay? So, like I said, the 58 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 1: very interesting email, interesting experience. This isn't something that people 59 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:32,040 Speaker 1: experience every day. However, I am sure that this probably 60 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,560 Speaker 1: has happened to somebody and maybe even somebody else who 61 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,640 Speaker 1: is listening. So the first thing I would like to 62 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:39,680 Speaker 1: offer you, and I I really want to share, is 63 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:44,360 Speaker 1: your feelings that you're experiencing are very very valid. Our 64 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:48,200 Speaker 1: feelings are always valid. Your feelings here are also very justified. 65 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:52,800 Speaker 1: It's much less than ideal to find something like that, 66 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:55,440 Speaker 1: and I'm sure that it surprised you and shocked you, 67 00:03:56,200 --> 00:04:00,400 Speaker 1: and it makes sense, like makes actually total logical sense 68 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:04,520 Speaker 1: why you are expressing some of the things that you're expressing. 69 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:08,080 Speaker 1: It doesn't sound like you're overreacting at all, although I 70 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,640 Speaker 1: am just getting an email that you probably spent time 71 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:13,400 Speaker 1: composing versus the reality of what it really looked like 72 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:16,279 Speaker 1: when you found that. But from my perspective so far, 73 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:20,080 Speaker 1: I don't see you overreacting. If it feels important to you, 74 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:22,360 Speaker 1: then I want you to know that it is important 75 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:26,480 Speaker 1: to you. And if it is important to you, that 76 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:28,880 Speaker 1: means you need to nail down what exactly it is 77 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:32,000 Speaker 1: that you're needing in order to move forward in your relationship. 78 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:36,120 Speaker 1: After this experience, I don't think it sounds helpful to 79 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:39,640 Speaker 1: just ignore this and move forward without actually accessing what 80 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:44,560 Speaker 1: it is that your heart is needing in order to 81 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 1: move forward with excitement and hope and safety with your 82 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:53,360 Speaker 1: current partner. So we always start with feelings in order 83 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:56,760 Speaker 1: to get to our needs. I would very much encourage 84 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,760 Speaker 1: you to allow those feelings that you're having to come 85 00:04:58,839 --> 00:05:02,599 Speaker 1: up and have a conversation with them. I hear some 86 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:06,400 Speaker 1: confusion from you. I also hear fear and maybe some 87 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,520 Speaker 1: other stuff that you have mixed in there, some other feelings. 88 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,320 Speaker 1: So have a conversation with those feelings. What are they 89 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,840 Speaker 1: saying to you? What are they telling you? And when 90 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,000 Speaker 1: I say have a conversation, allow them to speak and 91 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,440 Speaker 1: then speak back to them. Sometimes our feelings can be 92 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,120 Speaker 1: loud in the wrong spaces, so we need to ask 93 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:25,920 Speaker 1: our feelings for clarification. And then what are those feelings 94 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 1: asking for? Do you need actual clarification when it comes 95 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:32,160 Speaker 1: to this experience. Do you have a conversation with your 96 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:36,480 Speaker 1: partner about certain things? Do you need some soothing from yourself, 97 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:40,000 Speaker 1: from your partner, etc. Really dive into those feelings because 98 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,039 Speaker 1: they are going to lead you to be able to 99 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,440 Speaker 1: access and open it up what it is really that 100 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:48,559 Speaker 1: you are looking for. Your heart is looking for now, 101 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,880 Speaker 1: him having this box, I do want to say, it 102 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,920 Speaker 1: doesn't mean he isn't over her. People can have love 103 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:59,520 Speaker 1: and care for exes without wanting to get back together 104 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:02,720 Speaker 1: with them. And at the same time, I don't think 105 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:08,280 Speaker 1: the average person keeps a box of memorabilia from a relationship. 106 00:06:08,279 --> 00:06:10,760 Speaker 1: But I do think it's very fair to keep things 107 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:15,880 Speaker 1: from past relationships that are still meaningful and important to us, 108 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:20,839 Speaker 1: because maybe the relationship is still meaningful and important to us. 109 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:25,680 Speaker 1: And I feel very strongly that relationships are allowed to 110 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:31,039 Speaker 1: still be important to us even if they didn't last forever. 111 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:34,680 Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean that we are still longing to 112 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:37,520 Speaker 1: be in those relationships, but it means that was still 113 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:40,000 Speaker 1: a valuable part of my life, and those experiences were 114 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,280 Speaker 1: still valuable experiences I had, and the things that I 115 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,640 Speaker 1: gathered along the way are still things that mean something 116 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,599 Speaker 1: to me. So we can't go ahead and make up 117 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:53,039 Speaker 1: the story that this box means he's not over her. 118 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:57,919 Speaker 1: We don't have enough information to make that assumption, and 119 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,040 Speaker 1: it could mean something, but we don't know what's going 120 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:04,680 Speaker 1: to mean that now. It doesn't mean he is over 121 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,239 Speaker 1: her either, like we actually don't have This box doesn't 122 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,240 Speaker 1: give us a clue one way or the other. It 123 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:14,480 Speaker 1: just opens up a channel for us to gather information 124 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:17,400 Speaker 1: in order for us to have create an accurate story 125 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:20,680 Speaker 1: and actually understand, really, how does he feel about this 126 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:23,400 Speaker 1: past relationship, in this past person that he dated, And 127 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:27,360 Speaker 1: it sounds like he doesn't hate so I would ask 128 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,600 Speaker 1: if you could have a conversation with your partner about 129 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:34,320 Speaker 1: what feels important in keeping the items, talk about why 130 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:38,160 Speaker 1: those items and what about those items are special, and 131 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,960 Speaker 1: why it's helpful for him to have those even though 132 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,400 Speaker 1: they were in a box in a drawer and it 133 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:46,600 Speaker 1: doesn't seem like he was like holding and staring at 134 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 1: them every day, and it's not like these things are 135 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,960 Speaker 1: like on his bedside table. But can you have a 136 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:55,320 Speaker 1: conversation with him about what feels important in keeping the 137 00:07:55,360 --> 00:08:00,440 Speaker 1: items and also what would it mean if he got 138 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,760 Speaker 1: rid of the items? What would that mean? As well, 139 00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:07,920 Speaker 1: gain some more information about this experience from his point 140 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,240 Speaker 1: of view. Like I said, we can make a lot 141 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,960 Speaker 1: of assumptions up about this and it might be helpful. 142 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,680 Speaker 1: In fact, I think it would be very helpful for 143 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:19,640 Speaker 1: you to get an accurate picture of what you need 144 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:23,120 Speaker 1: to do if you had more information about what this 145 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:25,600 Speaker 1: actually is. Because I didn't hear a lot of information 146 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:27,960 Speaker 1: other than he said I don't want to get rid 147 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,160 Speaker 1: of them. You are allowed to have a conversation with 148 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:34,240 Speaker 1: him about if you want that box in your apartment 149 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:37,760 Speaker 1: or not. I think the conversation about why that box 150 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:41,120 Speaker 1: is important might be helpful for you before you make 151 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:45,400 Speaker 1: that decision. It also brings up this other thing that 152 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:48,839 Speaker 1: popped in my head of the reality of when he 153 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,559 Speaker 1: moves into your apartment, your apartment is not your apartment. 154 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:58,040 Speaker 1: Your apartment is becoming both of y'all's apartment, and that 155 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,640 Speaker 1: transition is a little weird when you're when you're moving 156 00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:04,440 Speaker 1: into a space that was once somebody else's And how 157 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,960 Speaker 1: are you going to transition into the space so that 158 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:09,680 Speaker 1: it feels like it is both of y'all's space, both 159 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:13,120 Speaker 1: of y'all's place, and a healthy relationship. We don't hold 160 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,400 Speaker 1: one of those things over the other's head, like this 161 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,200 Speaker 1: is my house. I won't have that in my house 162 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:20,800 Speaker 1: or my apartment. You can have a conversation about what 163 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:24,319 Speaker 1: you do and do not want in your together home. 164 00:09:24,679 --> 00:09:27,559 Speaker 1: But it just made me wonder of what the and 165 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,280 Speaker 1: I'm going to use this word it's not clinical, but 166 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,480 Speaker 1: what the vibe of him moving in with you is. 167 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,840 Speaker 1: Does it feel like he's just coming in and staying 168 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:38,560 Speaker 1: in your space or you creating together a space that 169 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:43,760 Speaker 1: is collectively yours And how does that shift the relationship 170 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:47,560 Speaker 1: and how the relationship feels and how being together feels 171 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:51,240 Speaker 1: in the progression of your relationship. So there's just some 172 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,840 Speaker 1: conversations that I think would be really helpful for you 173 00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:57,480 Speaker 1: to have with your partner about this. And like I said, 174 00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:00,199 Speaker 1: you're not overreacting. It just sounds like you don't have 175 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:04,200 Speaker 1: enough information right now to really figure out what it 176 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:08,360 Speaker 1: is that both of y'all need in the relationship to 177 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:13,160 Speaker 1: move forward in a healthy light. So follow those feelings, 178 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:17,200 Speaker 1: ask them what you need, have conversations again, follow your 179 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,800 Speaker 1: feelings in the conversations, so you guys can together identify 180 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,679 Speaker 1: what it is you need to move forward, and hopefully 181 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:27,200 Speaker 1: you can gain some clarity in some of this. Again, 182 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,360 Speaker 1: not something that happens every day, so I get why 183 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:34,920 Speaker 1: it's jarring. I imagine i'd be pretty stunned as well, 184 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:40,840 Speaker 1: and that initial stun might not be the feeling that 185 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:45,960 Speaker 1: we hold forever, pending the information we get about what 186 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,080 Speaker 1: it is that we have found. So again, more information 187 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,959 Speaker 1: sounds like what you need. Thank you for writing in 188 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,439 Speaker 1: and thanks for listening to you need therapy. Even if 189 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:58,160 Speaker 1: you never thought you would write in, I still appreciate 190 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:00,840 Speaker 1: you listening and being part of our community. If you 191 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:02,840 Speaker 1: guys have any questions that you would like to send 192 00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:06,079 Speaker 1: in reminder, you can send those to Katherine at unithapy 193 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:09,200 Speaker 1: podcast dot com and I will be back with you 194 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:13,280 Speaker 1: guys on Monday for the regular episode of the podcast. 195 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:16,040 Speaker 1: Until then, I hope you guys have the day you 196 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:16,560 Speaker 1: need to have.