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Speaker 1: You know what.

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Speaker 2: I'm just realizing you're not in the white room anymore. No,

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Speaker 2: I'm back in the office.

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Speaker 1: Well I blurred because I hit blurred. Okay, you guys.

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Speaker 3: For those who aren't watching, we record on Zoom and

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Speaker 3: I was playing around on Zoom the other day and

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Speaker 3: did a virtual background and I cannot figure out how

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Speaker 3: to turn it off. And I know all of you

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Speaker 3: are rolling your eyes because it's supposed to be really easy,

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Speaker 3: but it's not. And I've tried everything. I've googled everything,

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Speaker 3: I've gone into chat forums, I've deleted the app from

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Speaker 3: my computer or redownloaded, and it thinks I'm in this

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Speaker 3: like futuristic space building.

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Speaker 2: Well now you're just blurred in the well.

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Speaker 1: It's blurred.

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Speaker 3: But if I take it off of blur, it puts

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Speaker 3: me back in that white building.

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Speaker 2: I thought that's what we decided.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm back in there. I'm just office. I'm so corporate.

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Speaker 3: I feel like, what's that show Severance, and like no one's.

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Speaker 1: Working with them.

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Speaker 3: I'm like working really late at night because I'm trying

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Speaker 3: not to get severed or whatever.

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Speaker 1: I haven't watched the show, but.

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Speaker 3: You don't even know what good I don't even know

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Speaker 3: the show, but it does look like you.

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Speaker 2: You wouldn't know then that you're being your any right now,

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Speaker 2: which is like a belly button belly button.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: The other interesting thing about what's happening is that your

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Speaker 2: head slightly disappears from time to time, like if you

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Speaker 2: lean too far one way, it goes out of frame

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Speaker 2: and then you get blurry and it's like or there's

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Speaker 2: double you. There's a lot going on with It's all

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Speaker 2: very weird.

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Speaker 3: So I apologize. It may be this way for the

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Speaker 3: rest of this podcast.

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Speaker 2: It may be the rest of time for the rest

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Speaker 2: of it.

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Speaker 1: I don't know.

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Speaker 3: I'm gonna I'm actively working on a solution, but there

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Speaker 3: may not be.

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Speaker 2: Well I said this to you. I mean, this is

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Speaker 2: almost kind of perfect because this week on the podcast

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Speaker 2: we had Marv and it was astrology based. It's all

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Speaker 2: about November astrology. And today when this podcast comes out,

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Speaker 2: is the first day of a very serious retrograde, and

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Speaker 2: I was like, well, you are just there.

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Speaker 1: We go with a bang of I'm glad to be

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Speaker 1: on brand.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you really are working with the astrology right now,

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Speaker 2: even if you don't want to.

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Speaker 1: I don't even have to understand it.

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Speaker 3: Like, in fact, it makes more sense if I don't,

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Speaker 3: because like I've tried, and I'm not.

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Speaker 1: I don't think I'm stupid, but proving to.

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Speaker 2: Maybe be No, you're not. Astrology speak is just a

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Speaker 2: different kind of language, and until you learn the language,

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Speaker 2: it can be a little overwhelming. Yeah, I will say,

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Speaker 2: I feel like you've made a lot of progress in

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Speaker 2: unpacking the themes of astrology. I think what confuses you

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Speaker 2: is when I start throwing in like, well, this planet

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Speaker 2: is doing this and this is this.

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Speaker 3: Planet is in this house. I'm like, how does a

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Speaker 3: planet get a house like it is?

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Speaker 2: I don't understand, right, But that's why you and I

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Speaker 2: decided to start unpacking astrology with themes and how people

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Speaker 2: can apply the astrology that Marv gives and the lessons

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Speaker 2: that Marv gives maybe a little more tangibly to their life.

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Speaker 2: And so I was telling you one of the main

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Speaker 2: things Marvin I talked about about this month was the

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Speaker 2: reflection of relationships, like relationships as mirrors, and I know

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Speaker 2: I've talked about that a lot on this podcast and

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Speaker 2: how that has been my biggest teacher in this lifetime.

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Speaker 2: It's just seeing myself react in different relationships. I think

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Speaker 2: it's so easy for all of us to kind of throw, well,

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Speaker 2: that person's an asshole, or oh my god, my ex

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Speaker 2: is such a dick, you know, like we can easily

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Speaker 2: blame other people. But the point is we were also

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Speaker 2: in those relationships. So even if your ex or your

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Speaker 2: old bestie or your old cowork or your old boss

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Speaker 2: was terrible, they were probably here to teach you some

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Speaker 2: sort of lesson. And if you were actively participating in

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Speaker 2: the relationship, there probably is something that was being reflected

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Speaker 2: like you, you know, and so we have to take

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Speaker 2: a little bit of ownership there. But so I sent

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Speaker 2: you a bunch of like thoughts on that topic, and

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Speaker 2: I thought that your reaction was so interesting and we

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Speaker 2: should just be honest with the listeners about it, because

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Speaker 2: I think so many people probably feel the exact same

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Speaker 2: way that you do about this, And as you mention,

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Speaker 2: there can be a lot of shame that comes up

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Speaker 2: if you feel like, oh, I'm not doing this right

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Speaker 2: or doing it in the best way that I possibly could,

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Speaker 2: and that's there's no point in that, right, There's no

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Speaker 2: point in shaming ourselves about.

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Speaker 1: Any of it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm And what I said was you know I

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Speaker 3: when I read these things, I'm like, oh god, I

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Speaker 3: don't do relationships right, am I broken? And by saying

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Speaker 3: and I was like, I'm happy to talk about it

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Speaker 3: out loud, even though there is shame that comes along

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Speaker 3: with it. But I feel like maybe there's a reason

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Speaker 3: why I'm single. I'm not doing it right. So if

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Speaker 3: I want to find a healthy relationship, then I need

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Speaker 3: to do something differently. And it's funny like even just

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Speaker 3: as you were talking, I was thinking, like everyone says

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Speaker 3: relationships or work. Sure, yeah, and maybe the framing of

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Speaker 3: that is just not clear to people, Like we think

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Speaker 3: that we need to work really hard at the relationship,

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Speaker 3: but I think what the real work is you have

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Speaker 3: to work on yourself within a relationship. And that make

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Speaker 3: that's why it's hard, because none of us want to

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Speaker 3: look in the mirror ever and think that we're the problem.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely not. And I think what you're saying is so

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Speaker 2: spot on because all like you can be coasting along

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Speaker 2: in your life and probably if you're single, this has

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Speaker 2: happened to me in my single days. I can think

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Speaker 2: I'm fucking nailing it, you know what I mean, Like

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Speaker 2: you're not getting triggered things are going the way you want,

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Speaker 2: you get the downtime that you want. You can live

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Speaker 2: life according to your own rhythms, your own rules, and

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Speaker 2: there's really no objection to that. Well, then when you

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Speaker 2: start into a relationship, it's not that necessarily your partner

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Speaker 2: has to add a bunch of problems to that. But

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Speaker 2: it's just another human with a whole other set of

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Speaker 2: ways of thinking, rhythms, needs, like all of those factors,

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Speaker 2: and so it does probably like bump up against yours

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Speaker 2: at some point. And so you have two choices. You

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Speaker 2: can either neglect the relationship and not work together, or

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Speaker 2: you can bump up against those things and kind of

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Speaker 2: self reflect and go, where is this asking me to grow?

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Speaker 2: What is this bringing up for me? Was that really

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Speaker 2: what was happening in this relationship? Or am I getting

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Speaker 2: triggered from an old relationship? Like there's always kind of

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Speaker 2: more of the story if you allow there to be

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Speaker 2: right face for that.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, well, and I think I know personally I'm guilty

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Speaker 3: of it. So I would hope that you know, I'm

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Speaker 3: not just some weird outlier. But I feel like because

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Speaker 3: it's a very natural thing to want to be right,

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Speaker 3: you know, So it's a very quick initial reaction when

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Speaker 3: something doesn't start to feel right in a relationship that

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Speaker 3: it's definitely the problem with the other person. Oh and

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Speaker 3: in those moments, is is that when a mirror moment?

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Speaker 3: Is that like a mirror moment where you have to

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Speaker 3: like look yourself in the mirror and be like, wait

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Speaker 3: a minute, Like I'm at an impasse here because of something.

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Speaker 3: I'm very quick to put the judgment on the person

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Speaker 3: that I'm in a relationship with and blame them. But

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Speaker 3: it's actually a moment where I can be like, wait,

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Speaker 3: how do I grow and change from this moment to

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Speaker 3: see if we.

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Speaker 2: Can get past it?

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Speaker 1: Is that what a mirror moment is for me?

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Speaker 2: Yes, Like, so I'll explain what I think a mirror

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Speaker 2: moment is. It's really hard for me to take you

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Speaker 2: seriously though, because half of your head.

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Speaker 3: I'll meet me in season two of Severance or season three.

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Speaker 2: I literally was focusing so hard on what you were

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Speaker 2: saying just then because it was a beautiful statement, but

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Speaker 2: half of your head kept disappearing, and so I kept

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Speaker 2: just wanting to dialog if I.

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Speaker 3: Moved the right amount of way, like the microphone disappears.

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Speaker 1: It's odd all of it.

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Speaker 2: It's just I don't.

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Speaker 3: Understand, like and it's the microphone is not moving, Okay.

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Speaker 2: So let me remember where we were. I was gonna

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Speaker 2: explain to you what I believe a mirror moment is

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Speaker 2: the best way that I can think about it or

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Speaker 2: explain it is because because for me, I did not

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Speaker 2: get to this full understanding right away, like when people

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Speaker 2: used to say, like a tracts like or you can

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Speaker 2: only meet someone where you've only met yourself, you know,

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Speaker 2: like all of those statements. I remember being in really

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Speaker 2: dysfunctional relationships with people who had qualities that I was like,

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Speaker 2: I am nothing like this person, so how am How

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Speaker 2: is this the mirror? You know, because I thought that

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Speaker 2: it meant that someone else's bad behavior was also must

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Speaker 2: be what I do too, and it would be we

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Speaker 2: would be so different that that just could never click

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Speaker 2: for me, Like I did not get it for the

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Speaker 2: longest time. And then in the relationship I had before

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Speaker 2: this one, which was just a really terrible relationship for

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Speaker 2: me as far as like the level of health, it

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Speaker 2: ultimately taught me a ton about myself, but it was

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Speaker 2: just a really dysfunctional dynamic between the two of us,

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Speaker 2: and like I really really clicked with this mirror thing.

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Speaker 2: And it wasn't like, oh, you're like that person, or

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Speaker 2: he's even like you, you know, like we we really

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Speaker 2: didn't have very many similarities at all. But I think

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Speaker 2: what I would say is that certain behaviors would trigger

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Speaker 2: certain things in me, and like, like, for instance, let's

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Speaker 2: say you're in a relationship in You're like this person

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Speaker 2: doesn't pay me enough attention, Like they're constantly on the go,

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Speaker 2: they work all the time, they have so many hobbies

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Speaker 2: or whatever. I feel like I'm the bottom of the

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Speaker 2: totem pole and not important, and so that becomes a

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Speaker 2: massive fight between the two of you, you know, Like

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Speaker 2: let's say that's like the example. Well I used to think, well,

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Speaker 2: I don't do that to people, Like I value my relationships.

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Speaker 2: I prioritize people in my life, so even when it

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Speaker 2: would come at the sacrifice of my own needs, I

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Speaker 2: would be putting people in the position to either be

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Speaker 2: on a pedestal or whatever. So I was like, how

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Speaker 2: is that a mirror, you know whatever? But you know

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Speaker 2: what the mirror was. It wasn't that I did the

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Speaker 2: behavior in the same way. It was that I was

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Speaker 2: doing that to myself. I was putting myself at the

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Speaker 2: bottom of a totem pole. So of course I'm only

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Speaker 2: going to be attracted.

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Speaker 3: By allowing that that pattern, yes, and allowing myself to

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Speaker 3: be in a relationship that wasn't showing up for me

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Speaker 3: or able to like participate in my life, you know,

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Speaker 3: like things like that, and so that would be the

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Speaker 3: thing that was being reflected.

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Speaker 2: But it was because I was doing it to myself.

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Speaker 2: I was dismissing myself and my own needs. I was

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Speaker 2: putting myself at the bottom of the totem pole in life,

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Speaker 2: like everything in my life, work, whatever it was, relationships, friendships,

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Speaker 2: I don't know anything you could think of came before

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Speaker 2: myself and prioritizing my own needs. So if you're not

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Speaker 2: taking care of that and you're not showing up for yourself,

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Speaker 2: how could you possibly expect someone else to do the

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Speaker 2: same thing, you know, or to treat you any differently, right, right,

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Speaker 2: But that's the mirror. The mirror is about the same

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Speaker 2: behavior within you or what it's reflecting in you. Like

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to think of another example. If you get

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Speaker 2: cheated on, for instance, it's not like because you're not worthy,

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Speaker 2: but do you believe you're not worthy. It's always something

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Speaker 2: to do with someone else, you know.

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Speaker 3: But it's like, well, and then you probably can mirror

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Speaker 3: the situation, like if you if being cheated on makes

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Speaker 3: you feel unworthy, then you start to treat yourself and

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Speaker 3: believe that you were unworthy. Like sometimes that is like

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Speaker 3: a I mean, would that be a mirror moment too, Well,

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Speaker 3: it could be.

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Speaker 2: But it's ultimately like where did it first start for

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Speaker 2: you that you didn't think that you were valuable enough?

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Speaker 2: And like you just keep drawing in the same type

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Speaker 2: of partner until you heal the wound in you. But

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Speaker 2: like what I realized in that relationship that I was

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Speaker 2: describing that was so dysfunctional or whatever, it was so

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Speaker 2: good for me ultimately because it really brought me to

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Speaker 2: the truth about me with me right and after that

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Speaker 2: relationship it changed the entire way that I date, or

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Speaker 2: see relationships, or value relationships in my life or participate

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Speaker 2: in relationships. And I don't think I would have been

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Speaker 2: able to do that had I not healed whatever the

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Speaker 2: wounding was in me that I didn't value my own

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Speaker 2: self enough to not dismiss myself to like to take

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Speaker 2: care of my needs to do the self care that

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Speaker 2: I needed to be doing to prioritize for myself.

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Speaker 3: It was your rock bottom in relationships like this was

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Speaker 3: a pattern that you were able to recognize that you

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Speaker 3: were doing. And finally at a point you were like,

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Speaker 3: wait a minute, like, I'm the common denominator, right.

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Speaker 2: And I think it's tied up on that a little

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Speaker 2: bit because it's like, you know, when you're saying, oh,

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Speaker 2: I'm the common denominator, then it can feel like it

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Speaker 2: dismisses the painful behavior of the other side was participating in.

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Speaker 2: And it's like, no, that's not That never excuses bad

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Speaker 2: behavior from any partner or boss or friend or whatever.

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Speaker 2: But if you're the common denominator, you do have to

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Speaker 2: look at why do I keep showing up for relationships

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Speaker 2: like this? Or why do I keep picking relationships like this?

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Speaker 2: And that is what we have control over or that

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Speaker 2: is something that comes from something along the lines for us.

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Speaker 2: The question for you would be like when you were

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Speaker 2: talking about doing relationship, I'm doing air quotes right now

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Speaker 2: of like wrong or whatever, and there was just a

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Speaker 2: lot of shame. I think that came up. What was

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Speaker 2: that about, like specifically, because it it wasn't necessarily the

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Speaker 2: mirror thing.

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Speaker 3: No, but I think it's like the depth of thought

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Speaker 3: when it comes to a particular situation and really getting

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Speaker 3: more caught up. I tend to get more caught up

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Speaker 3: in like what that moment is versus what that moment means.

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Speaker 2: Okay, that's an example, because I'm not.

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Speaker 3: Que I mean, like, if I don't want to get

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Speaker 3: too specific, well, I doubt my ex listens. But like,

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Speaker 3: you know, we would have this blow up fight that

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Speaker 3: was literally about nothing, and then there was a pattern

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Speaker 3: of apology, come back the next day, apologize I didn't

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Speaker 3: mean that, blah blah, and I would get so wrapped

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Speaker 3: up in like just the way that the fight went

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Speaker 3: down that I was just ang.

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Speaker 1: I was just like, this is just stupid.

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Speaker 3: It doesn't make any sense to me, rather than being like,

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Speaker 3: let me try to make sense of what actually is

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Speaker 3: what led.

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Speaker 1: Us to this?

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Speaker 3: Right? Why are we repeating this pattern? Why is it

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Speaker 3: that something that is seemingly so stupid and benign actually

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Speaker 3: driving the wedge between us versus having the courage to

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Speaker 3: be like, maybe this just is we're not compatible, you know,

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Speaker 3: for whatever reason it is, and sort of wallowing in

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Speaker 3: the like you know, we're fighting for no reason.

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Speaker 1: This is stupid.

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Speaker 3: And so in hindsight, I think I failed because ultimately

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Speaker 3: this was a pattern in my last relationship and I

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Speaker 3: had to say, like, hey, the next time this happens,

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Speaker 3: like I'm done, Like I cannot continue to do this.

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Speaker 3: And I do think that was the right thing for

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Speaker 3: me to do, because it would have just been this

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Speaker 3: cycle of that repeating and apologies, and you know, words,

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Speaker 3: words and actions are two very different things, and the

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Speaker 3: actions were showing me this is not going to work.

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Speaker 3: But what I didn't do, in hindsight is really reflect on,

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Speaker 3: like how to we get to this pattern if I

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Speaker 3: really wanted to work through it, Like I feel like

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Speaker 3: I saw an exit strategy that made it easier, even

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Speaker 3: though that's not I didn't believe that that's what I wanted.

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Speaker 3: I thought that I wanted it to work. But I

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Speaker 3: feel like in hindsight, when I look back, and I'm like, well,

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Speaker 3: I took the exit ramp. Maybe I didn't want it

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Speaker 3: to work, and I was ignoring that and not working through.

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Speaker 1: The real why of it all.

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Speaker 3: So that's why I think there's shame and it feels

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Speaker 3: like failure in some ways because I know it wasn't

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Speaker 3: just him, Like there were reasons why he was coming

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Speaker 3: at me in the ways that he was doing it.

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Speaker 3: And rather than us sitting down and being like, hey,

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Speaker 3: let's figure this.

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Speaker 1: Out, like it was almost like I'm sorry, I.

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Speaker 3: Won't do that again, and let's just move on and

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Speaker 3: we just go You just go right back to the

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Speaker 3: same place that you were.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't there was no growth happening.

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Speaker 2: Well, because you're not actually healing the wound, right, So

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Speaker 2: you're just like putting the band aid on it and

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Speaker 2: it's going to come back up. Yeah, You're just like

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Speaker 2: putting the band aid on it and it's going to

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Speaker 2: come back up.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: But in some ways, I mean, it could have been

337
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Speaker 2: honestly a positive relationship for both of you if you

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Speaker 2: use it now. And it's like I would also wonder,

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Speaker 2: are these patterns that you've seen in other relationships, because

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Speaker 2: if so, that's what they say for us, is like

341
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Speaker 2: we'll keep picking the same thing until we heal the wound. Right,

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Speaker 2: And like mine always looked a little different, it looked

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Speaker 2: very different physically too, Like none of my boyfriend's ever

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00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,920
Speaker 2: looked the same or anything like that. But when I

345
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Speaker 2: really got down to it, there was always an unavailability

346
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Speaker 2: or sometimes an addiction or you know whatever, Like I

347
00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:52,120
Speaker 2: had a very similar picker ultimately that would draw me

348
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Speaker 2: into these relationships. And it's because, like I was unavailable

349
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Speaker 2: to myself. So it's like, of course, I'm going to

350
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Speaker 2: keep drawing these things in till I heal that within me,

351
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Speaker 2: until I value myself enough to go, Yeah, if somebody

352
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Speaker 2: isn't available to me, I don't want to be in

353
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Speaker 2: that relationship. Like I don't need to sit here and

354
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:12,159
Speaker 2: try to convince or say it a million different ways

355
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Speaker 2: so that they hear me. It's just like no, then

356
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Speaker 2: it's just probably not compatible, like you said, or it's

357
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Speaker 2: time to move on.

358
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Speaker 3: But also, you know, I was sitting here even thinking

359
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:25,800
Speaker 3: about the things that I just said, and I'm like, God,

360
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:31,400
Speaker 3: how egotistical and like short sighted of me, Like by

361
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:34,600
Speaker 3: taking the off ramp and not really digging into it

362
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:38,359
Speaker 3: and picking the scab and trying to understand where it

363
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,200
Speaker 3: is all coming from, Like I just put it all

364
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Speaker 3: on him, like you're the I'm like by me saying

365
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Speaker 3: the next time you do this, I'm out sure, Like

366
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,159
Speaker 3: is a defense mechanism because at a certain point, like

367
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Speaker 3: you can only take an apology so many times, but

368
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Speaker 3: we were never really working through what the real issue was. Yeah,

369
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Speaker 3: and all I was doing of saying, you have to

370
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Speaker 3: fix this or we're done. And I guess I owe

371
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,720
Speaker 3: him an apology for that, like and but now it's

372
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:09,840
Speaker 3: a realization in me that I'm like, okay, Like I

373
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,199
Speaker 3: have to in those moments in the future. I have

374
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Speaker 3: to recognize whether or not I really want to fix it,

375
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Speaker 3: because if I don't want to fix the relationship, then

376
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,240
Speaker 3: it should be one of those things where it's like, hey,

377
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:26,120
Speaker 3: let's just we've enjoyed our time together, let's not waste

378
00:18:26,119 --> 00:18:30,359
Speaker 3: any more of each other's time, or say, hey, what's

379
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,639
Speaker 3: the real issue here? And why am I having trouble

380
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:35,720
Speaker 3: coping with it or working through it or whatever it is.

381
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Speaker 3: So I think it would be interesting for me to

382
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,040
Speaker 3: sit with myself. I mean, I don't those feelings and

383
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,080
Speaker 3: a lot of those things are so far in the

384
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Speaker 3: past now that I don't know that I could dredge

385
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:48,520
Speaker 3: it up to like really put myself under the microscope.

386
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Speaker 3: Because clearly, however he was acting was in reaction to

387
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Speaker 3: however I was treating him. He was not a broken

388
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,920
Speaker 3: person that would just crack, you know, like in those

389
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,080
Speaker 3: moments like it had something to do with me, But

390
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,520
Speaker 3: in the end, I was just like, you're the one

391
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,720
Speaker 3: acting this way. You got to fix it otherwise I'm out,

392
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:09,720
Speaker 3: and and I don't regret that decision, but I don't

393
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:13,760
Speaker 3: think that I handled it in the best way for me.

394
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Speaker 2: Eas some of your shame from what I'm hearing, has

395
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,680
Speaker 2: just been about the fact that you probably didn't reflect,

396
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,520
Speaker 2: and that's what you're talking about, Like, di, am I

397
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,439
Speaker 2: doing this right? And I think I think it's like,

398
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,760
Speaker 2: of course you're doing it now. You might do it

399
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:30,120
Speaker 2: different tomorrow, you know, like we can only do what

400
00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:32,920
Speaker 2: we know until we know better, like that Maya Angelou quote,

401
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,119
Speaker 2: and it's like when you know better, do better. And

402
00:19:35,119 --> 00:19:37,199
Speaker 2: so like now you do. And like you said, you

403
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,320
Speaker 2: can always go back and try to make amends or

404
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,760
Speaker 2: not necessarily that to get back together, but if you

405
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,000
Speaker 2: feel like you owe that, like that is an option.

406
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,320
Speaker 2: But it's reminding me a little bit of what we

407
00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:49,560
Speaker 2: talked about last week about the Tyis Gibson podcast and

408
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:54,399
Speaker 2: how we're just not really taught the reality of relationships, right, so,

409
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,520
Speaker 2: like we just think you're supposed to have this picture

410
00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:00,760
Speaker 2: perfect thing or I go do I remember thinking, Oh,

411
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,080
Speaker 2: I've been in therapy for such a long time, I'm

412
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:06,720
Speaker 2: just gonna have the most magical, easy relationship that's just

413
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:11,280
Speaker 2: going to PLoP into my life, and Tah, everything's gonna

414
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,480
Speaker 2: be great, you know, because I've really been working on myself.

415
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,480
Speaker 2: And sure every time I go to therapy or went

416
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:19,320
Speaker 2: to therapy and did work on myself and did all

417
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:22,320
Speaker 2: the other stuff that I've done, you learn stuff, right,

418
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,600
Speaker 2: but are you integrating it into your life? Like is

419
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,639
Speaker 2: it actually being applied into your relationships? And like the

420
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:32,119
Speaker 2: only way to do that is to practice and to

421
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,800
Speaker 2: learn and to keep doing it on repeat. And like,

422
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:36,679
Speaker 2: I mean, I think I talk about on here all

423
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:38,320
Speaker 2: the time how I feel like I'm in the best

424
00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:41,359
Speaker 2: relationship I've ever been in. But it's not because we

425
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,240
Speaker 2: don't bump up against each other.

426
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:47,240
Speaker 1: It's more just figure in our relationship.

427
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,639
Speaker 2: Or make repair when this stuff comes up, like what

428
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:54,080
Speaker 2: you're saying about your past one, instead of just shutting

429
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:56,160
Speaker 2: it down and being like this can't happen again, being

430
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,800
Speaker 2: like why does this keep happening? Like getting really curious

431
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,520
Speaker 2: about what was going on for both both of y'all

432
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,639
Speaker 2: in those moments and like triggering it and then trying

433
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,000
Speaker 2: to own your part of it, like they say you're

434
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:07,720
Speaker 2: side of the street, like take care of your side

435
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,000
Speaker 2: of the street, and like it's still uncomfortable, you know, like,

436
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:14,879
Speaker 2: and nobody gets it exactly right all the time, and

437
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:19,760
Speaker 2: so it's just an interesting concept to continue thinking about

438
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,080
Speaker 2: what is this reflecting to me? And if I am

439
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,720
Speaker 2: acting out or acting out of a trigger in some

440
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:26,760
Speaker 2: sort of way, how can I take ownership of that

441
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:30,639
Speaker 2: and like do something different. And that's where I found

442
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,400
Speaker 2: the most joy. Even though it sounds like a lot

443
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,680
Speaker 2: of work, It's like that is actually where you start

444
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:37,679
Speaker 2: to meet each other at a whole new depth that

445
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,199
Speaker 2: you probably couldn't have before, you know.

446
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:43,639
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean it's there's a lot of surrender in

447
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:48,919
Speaker 3: it too, totally, you know, like because I know I

448
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:55,400
Speaker 3: was often operating in a point of defensiveness, which automatically

449
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,920
Speaker 3: made me feel like I was in the right, because

450
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,400
Speaker 3: when you feel like something is being done to you,

451
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,040
Speaker 3: it's often hard to see.

452
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:05,840
Speaker 1: The role that you're playing in it because.

453
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,280
Speaker 3: You're like, this is happening, I had nothing to do

454
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:12,640
Speaker 3: with this, right, Like you're acting crazy, But in hindsight,

455
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,000
Speaker 3: it's like, no, you have to kind of like really

456
00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:19,240
Speaker 3: surrender to the like the relationship is what's happening, and

457
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:23,440
Speaker 3: then you are just two ingredients in that relationship. You're

458
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:26,639
Speaker 3: taking energy from each other and it's never just a

459
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:27,399
Speaker 3: one way street.

460
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,000
Speaker 2: Oh and the hard part is because I think I'm

461
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,160
Speaker 2: probably on the opposite side of the scale than you

462
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,520
Speaker 2: by nature, like you will go to defensive and shut down,

463
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,960
Speaker 2: and I'm the emotional one in a relationship.

464
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,320
Speaker 1: You're like, we're going to talk about that, Well, let's talk.

465
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,920
Speaker 2: I'm crying, I'm feeling all the things. I'm angry or whatever,

466
00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:47,639
Speaker 2: and I can't just not talk about stuff or like

467
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:51,880
Speaker 2: dive in or feel it. And I think it can

468
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,280
Speaker 2: go with what you're saying about how you're like, well,

469
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,160
Speaker 2: I would just get defensive. So I think I'm right.

470
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,960
Speaker 2: The person with the big feelings often gets made out

471
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,439
Speaker 2: to be crazy, and it's like, I'm not reacting to

472
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:04,640
Speaker 2: nothing like that's what I've always said. I'm just pulling

473
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:07,200
Speaker 2: this out of my ass to pick a fight for fun.

474
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:10,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't enjoy this, right, So.

475
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,120
Speaker 2: I think it is very reflective of you to say

476
00:23:13,119 --> 00:23:16,600
Speaker 2: that about or to have that awareness just that some

477
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:20,000
Speaker 2: of the defensiveness could be protecting almost even too.

478
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:21,879
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, do you think any of this is

479
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:23,760
Speaker 3: male female energy situation?

480
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,840
Speaker 2: I mean I do, and I think it often can be.

481
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:30,119
Speaker 2: If you know anything about attachment theory, like the anxious

482
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:33,600
Speaker 2: person is probably always going to be the one approaching

483
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,400
Speaker 2: more or feeling the bigger emotions, and then the avoidant

484
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,800
Speaker 2: would be doing something like what you're describing, where you're defensive.

485
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:41,880
Speaker 2: You shut it down, you say, if this happens again,

486
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:45,560
Speaker 2: we're done. You know, there's the threats of abandonment because

487
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:47,800
Speaker 2: of that and and those kind of things. So I

488
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:49,920
Speaker 2: think there's a lot of factors. But I don't think

489
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,199
Speaker 2: it's probably all men and all women. But I do

490
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:57,200
Speaker 2: think in some situations, yeah, like guys are more programmed

491
00:23:57,280 --> 00:24:00,480
Speaker 2: to not be overly emotional, so they're just to shut

492
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:00,880
Speaker 2: it down.

493
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:01,480
Speaker 1: Yeah.

494
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:04,239
Speaker 3: I feel like normally I probably wouldn't have thought in

495
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:07,199
Speaker 3: such a blanket way, but like you're a female, I'm

496
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:09,800
Speaker 3: a male, and just looking at how different we are.

497
00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:13,320
Speaker 3: But I do think it's just in my friendships. I

498
00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:17,960
Speaker 3: feel like my female friends are much more likely to

499
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:22,879
Speaker 3: challenge me and try and get me to a place

500
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,960
Speaker 3: of surrender or vulnerability to talk about what I'm feeling,

501
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:29,800
Speaker 3: whereas that's not necessarily with my male friends.

502
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:31,400
Speaker 1: You know, that's not to say that it.

503
00:24:31,359 --> 00:24:36,360
Speaker 3: Doesn't exist, because I definitely have to male friendships than others.

504
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:40,000
Speaker 3: But I feel like there is definitely a masculine feminine

505
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:43,160
Speaker 3: thing in that dynamic, which is interesting when you think

506
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,879
Speaker 3: about like me being in a same sex relationship, like

507
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:49,119
Speaker 3: you have two people that are struggling, probably with the

508
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:53,600
Speaker 3: same lack of ability of communication or access to those

509
00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:55,840
Speaker 3: feelings or those emotions or whatever it is.

510
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,840
Speaker 2: And it's also just programming because I think like, as

511
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:11,480
Speaker 2: women we are I can tell you, I'm just kidding, No,

512
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:15,480
Speaker 2: I think that women are. Women's emotions are more embraced

513
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,719
Speaker 2: throughout childhood, our lifetime, and you guys were taught from

514
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,560
Speaker 2: day one like don't feel.

515
00:25:20,359 --> 00:25:22,520
Speaker 1: Be tough, swallow it. Yeah, yeah, all.

516
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:25,680
Speaker 2: That kind of stuff. And so it always it always

517
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:28,120
Speaker 2: makes me think of that joke where I mean, my boyfriend,

518
00:25:28,119 --> 00:25:29,919
Speaker 2: I laugh about this all the time because if one

519
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:31,840
Speaker 2: of his friends is going through something like let's say

520
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:33,640
Speaker 2: one of his friends was going through divorce and they

521
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,680
Speaker 2: go play golf, and I know everyone listening has seen

522
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,080
Speaker 2: these memes on Instagram and stuff like that, because this

523
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,880
Speaker 2: is so active in so many male and female relationships.

524
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:46,399
Speaker 2: But they'll go play golf and he comes home and

525
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,520
Speaker 2: he's like, oh my god, Todd's getting divorced, and like,

526
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:51,080
Speaker 2: if that was said to me, I'd be like, oh

527
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,879
Speaker 2: my god, what happened? Why? And he'd be like, I

528
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:55,800
Speaker 2: don't know. He just said it just wasn't working out.

529
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:58,040
Speaker 2: And I'm like, wait, well when did this happen? And well,

530
00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:01,199
Speaker 2: you know, what was the cat Like did she want it?

531
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:01,960
Speaker 2: Or did he follow?

532
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:02,080
Speaker 3: What?

533
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:05,800
Speaker 2: Like I have a million questions, well a hundred. He's

534
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,320
Speaker 2: always just like, I don't know, ma'am. I just like

535
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,679
Speaker 2: I just know the broad I just know the fact.

536
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:12,160
Speaker 1: Yeah.

537
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, And like you guys just don't necessarily dive into

538
00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,600
Speaker 2: the deeper things. And especially I think a lot of

539
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:20,360
Speaker 2: men don't want to push if it is a sensitive

540
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:23,199
Speaker 2: topic because they're like, it's not my place, Whereas I'm like,

541
00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:25,359
Speaker 2: oh no, I'm fucking getting in there with you. We

542
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:26,680
Speaker 2: need to know you're let's say.

543
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:28,480
Speaker 1: Take you off for stay in a while.

544
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:29,480
Speaker 2: Yeah exactly.

545
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:30,159
Speaker 1: Yeah.

546
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:32,080
Speaker 2: It goes the under the blanket because we're going to

547
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:32,879
Speaker 2: be here a minute.

548
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:37,440
Speaker 3: So I'm putting on Delilah if only mm hmmm.

549
00:26:38,119 --> 00:26:40,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, So I think I think it could be a

550
00:26:40,119 --> 00:26:42,480
Speaker 2: little bit male and female, but I don't think that's

551
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:43,480
Speaker 2: just across the board.

552
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:47,560
Speaker 3: I definitely think it definitely played into my last relationship,

553
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,640
Speaker 3: the fact that was like two males and we also

554
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:53,399
Speaker 3: had like very similar even though we didn't grow up

555
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:56,919
Speaker 3: in similar regions, like we had pretty similar backgrounds. We

556
00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:59,320
Speaker 3: were a lot alike in a lot of ways, and

557
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:03,280
Speaker 3: I think being a strong presence that actually is pushing

558
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:05,920
Speaker 3: down your feelings was true for both of us.

559
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:09,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, wildly.

560
00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:10,760
Speaker 1: Yeah.

561
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:13,040
Speaker 3: So I mean that's not the type of mirroring I

562
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:16,359
Speaker 3: want to do, though, Like I actually googled before we

563
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:29,080
Speaker 3: got on, like what is a mirror moment? One is

564
00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:31,320
Speaker 3: like a literary thing, and it's like where a character

565
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:34,040
Speaker 3: like reaches a point in a story where they're like

566
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:34,760
Speaker 3: you have to.

567
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:35,560
Speaker 1: Go right or left.

568
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:37,720
Speaker 3: You know, you either stay on the path or you

569
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:40,080
Speaker 3: do the thing to fix what's wrong, And one of

570
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:41,560
Speaker 3: them makes you a failure, one of them makes you

571
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:41,840
Speaker 3: a hero.

572
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:42,960
Speaker 1: So that's a mirror moment.

573
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:45,480
Speaker 3: But this one, I mean, it's just an AI generated

574
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,280
Speaker 3: thing that says it's a moment of sudden clarity where

575
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:51,000
Speaker 3: a person sees himself or their situation in a new,

576
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:54,960
Speaker 3: often unexpected light, leading to self discovery or change in perspective.

577
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,480
Speaker 3: Which that made more sense in this context to me,

578
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:04,200
Speaker 3: you know, versus the sort of narrative version of it.

579
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:10,560
Speaker 3: But it's it's different than the idea of mirroring to

580
00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:13,680
Speaker 3: my I guess it is kind of mirroring to yourself

581
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:17,720
Speaker 3: because you're seeing yourself in a new perspective suddenly. But

582
00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:20,000
Speaker 3: I guess that's kind of a singular view of it too.

583
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:22,880
Speaker 2: I don't know, you're talking to yourself in circles right now. Yeah,

584
00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:25,439
Speaker 2: I'm going to go with this is I'm.

585
00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:27,240
Speaker 3: Like looking at myself on the screen. I'm like, this

586
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:28,760
Speaker 3: is a mirror? Am I the only one here?

587
00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:30,960
Speaker 2: Well, you're like looking at yourself on the screen, and

588
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:32,280
Speaker 2: you're like, am I going to be a tree? Or

589
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:34,520
Speaker 2: am I gonna going to blend into the office right now?

590
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:34,639
Speaker 3: Like?

591
00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:38,280
Speaker 2: Which every way you shift? We really don't know. It's

592
00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:41,200
Speaker 2: a guessing game. I mean, I think the way that

593
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:43,320
Speaker 2: I look at it too, though we're talking about it

594
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:46,800
Speaker 2: in relation to love relationships right now, But I look

595
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:49,000
Speaker 2: at it all the time in my life because it's

596
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:52,040
Speaker 2: coming up literally all the time. Like there was a

597
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:56,840
Speaker 2: work situation last week that was really difficult and I

598
00:28:56,880 --> 00:29:00,280
Speaker 2: got removed from this job because the producer and I

599
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:02,000
Speaker 2: it was just this whole thing and it was not

600
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:05,400
Speaker 2: my fault, and I got pissed because of that, like

601
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:07,520
Speaker 2: it was something that was not on me, but I

602
00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:11,320
Speaker 2: was getting blamed for you took the fall, yes, And

603
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:15,480
Speaker 2: in the past, I have just taken the fall, and

604
00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:18,240
Speaker 2: I've just tried to do, you know what I can

605
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:21,440
Speaker 2: do behind the scenes to make myself work through that

606
00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:25,280
Speaker 2: or be the bigger person. And it was so interesting

607
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:28,000
Speaker 2: because I was like, huh, here is that thing again.

608
00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:31,680
Speaker 2: I'm bumping up against that same situation where someone is

609
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:36,920
Speaker 2: literally trying to tell me something that happened that didn't happen,

610
00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:40,680
Speaker 2: or they're trying to say, you know, this is something

611
00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,719
Speaker 2: that's required of you, and I'm like, that was never discussed,

612
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,040
Speaker 2: like none of it was there, and blame me gas

613
00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:48,280
Speaker 2: like me all the stuff, and I would have just

614
00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:50,400
Speaker 2: taken that in the past, but I was like, you

615
00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:53,720
Speaker 2: know what, this is not today, Satan. Yeah. So I

616
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:56,960
Speaker 2: literally was like not today, Satan, and my agent went

617
00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 2: on and handled some things about it, and I stood

618
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:02,320
Speaker 2: up for myself. It didn't matter for that job, and

619
00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:04,320
Speaker 2: that was okay, that was a gift in disguise, but

620
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:07,120
Speaker 2: it just it just I felt like it was an

621
00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:10,560
Speaker 2: invitation for me to do something different than I would

622
00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:12,800
Speaker 2: have done in the past. And that's all the mirror

623
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:15,120
Speaker 2: thing is. It's like, why is this coming up in

624
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:17,120
Speaker 2: your life? And like this is what I said with Marv.

625
00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:19,680
Speaker 2: It's just like why is it here? Because nothing is

626
00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,880
Speaker 2: just coming in by mistake, right, So if it's something

627
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:25,160
Speaker 2: you've already been through, maybe you're being invited to do

628
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:27,720
Speaker 2: it differently. And then if it's something you've been doing

629
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:30,040
Speaker 2: differently and then it comes up again, it's like maybe

630
00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:32,440
Speaker 2: that's a test to be like ye, sure you sure

631
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:34,360
Speaker 2: are going to keep doing it that way, you know,

632
00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:38,520
Speaker 2: And like it's just this ever evolving road of that.

633
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:41,160
Speaker 2: And I don't think that we ever just like get

634
00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:43,800
Speaker 2: to this destination where we have this all figured out.

635
00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:46,080
Speaker 2: I think some of it gets easier, but it's just

636
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:48,680
Speaker 2: this process and that's like the life journey.

637
00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:51,280
Speaker 3: Well, I mean, honestly, the hearing you say it that

638
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,400
Speaker 3: way is there's real like.

639
00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:55,320
Speaker 2: Peace in totally.

640
00:30:56,440 --> 00:31:00,560
Speaker 3: There's peace in the not feeling stuck of it all

641
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:04,080
Speaker 3: because look, you could you could have in that moment

642
00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:07,120
Speaker 3: said fuck it, I just I need the job. I'm

643
00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:08,920
Speaker 3: going to keep my mouth shut. But then you go

644
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:10,480
Speaker 3: home and you're like mad at yourself.

645
00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:12,520
Speaker 2: You're not going myself.

646
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:14,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's no growth there.

647
00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:17,080
Speaker 3: So even the path, even though that the path that

648
00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:20,800
Speaker 3: you chose in the moment is more difficult, and and

649
00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:23,560
Speaker 3: you're teaching yourself, hey, you can do hard things and

650
00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:26,200
Speaker 3: you can survive it. It also opens the door for

651
00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:28,840
Speaker 3: like more difficult moments that you're going to have to

652
00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:32,400
Speaker 3: address in your life because you're finally giving yourself the permission.

653
00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:32,320
Speaker 1: To do it.

654
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:35,400
Speaker 3: But the whole time, you're growing as a human, whereas

655
00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:38,600
Speaker 3: if you're not doing that, you're just a stagnant human

656
00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:40,680
Speaker 3: being that's letting life happen to you.

657
00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:44,280
Speaker 2: That right there, to me is the whole power of

658
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:47,440
Speaker 2: this mirror dynamic. Because you said it brings peace, and

659
00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:49,520
Speaker 2: I was thinking, the other thing I think it brings

660
00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:52,440
Speaker 2: is it brings you your power back. Right, It's like

661
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:55,800
Speaker 2: taking your power back of your life because you're taking

662
00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:59,480
Speaker 2: ownership for what's happening in your life and it's like

663
00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:02,720
Speaker 2: like in that your fault or not, well, you're because

664
00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:05,280
Speaker 2: like in that work situation, I was being blamed for

665
00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:08,560
Speaker 2: something I didn't do, but I was not willing to

666
00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:12,480
Speaker 2: own her feelings or her like projection or gas lighting

667
00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:15,480
Speaker 2: or whatever. And if I had and I just settled

668
00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:17,920
Speaker 2: and like stayed back and said okay, okay, okay, like

669
00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:19,920
Speaker 2: what I would have done in the past, I would

670
00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:22,880
Speaker 2: have just stuffed my voice way back down my throat

671
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,160
Speaker 2: into my stomach. Like I have that pit feeling right

672
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:29,760
Speaker 2: now even describing it, because I'm abandoning myself again, which

673
00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:31,800
Speaker 2: is what I had such a pattern of doing. And

674
00:32:31,840 --> 00:32:35,240
Speaker 2: so really, after it all got said and done and

675
00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:39,000
Speaker 2: I did something different, what I felt was like okay,

676
00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:41,440
Speaker 2: like I actually felt grateful for her again, you know,

677
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:43,840
Speaker 2: like I wasn't angry anymore because I was like, this

678
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:47,360
Speaker 2: was a good opportunity for me. Like yeah, mentor of

679
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:50,680
Speaker 2: mine calls them another growth opportunity or sometimes another fucking

680
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:53,920
Speaker 2: growth opportunity, depending on the one it is. But it's

681
00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:56,600
Speaker 2: just like there's always these growth opportunities, do we want

682
00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:59,200
Speaker 2: to take them or not? And we don't always do

683
00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:01,880
Speaker 2: it perfectly, but like I do really feel like the

684
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:05,960
Speaker 2: opportunities are always there, and so are you paying attention

685
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:07,320
Speaker 2: to what's being reflected to.

686
00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:07,640
Speaker 1: You or not?

687
00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:11,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, Well it's funny too, is I keep the phrase

688
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:14,040
Speaker 3: like you know, I'm sure my mom and dad said

689
00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:16,120
Speaker 3: this to me a million times, but like they'd be like,

690
00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:18,520
Speaker 3: you need to go in the bathroom and look, give

691
00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:19,840
Speaker 3: yourself a good hard look in.

692
00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:23,040
Speaker 1: The mirror and figure it out. Yeah, And so like

693
00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:26,440
Speaker 1: that too, is like I mean, I know it's that

694
00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:28,560
Speaker 1: is like a literal mirror moment.

695
00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:32,200
Speaker 3: But when you know they and they also tell you,

696
00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:34,880
Speaker 3: like start your day by looking yourself in the mirror

697
00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:36,680
Speaker 3: and be like it's gonna be a good day. And

698
00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:40,360
Speaker 3: it's there's a lot of power in that because you're

699
00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:43,959
Speaker 3: with yourself, like there is nothing between you and that

700
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:47,000
Speaker 3: mirror that can come between your feelings and your thoughts

701
00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:49,400
Speaker 3: and your emotions at that time. And it's a really

702
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:55,920
Speaker 3: powerful like device. And so I think it's like it

703
00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,920
Speaker 3: could just be a tool. And you know, if the

704
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:00,880
Speaker 3: example that you gave from this last job, if you

705
00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:02,840
Speaker 3: had walked into the bathroom and looked yourself in the

706
00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:05,840
Speaker 3: mirror and have been like, Kelly fucking Henderson, are you.

707
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:08,359
Speaker 1: Gonna letitch walk all over you today? Are you gonna

708
00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:09,239
Speaker 1: show them what you're made of?

709
00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:12,319
Speaker 3: And that's really kind of exactly what that is in

710
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:13,760
Speaker 3: a very figurative way.

711
00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:16,799
Speaker 2: No, it was, and that is actually what I did.

712
00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:20,279
Speaker 2: I didn't physically looking on video, I didn't. I know,

713
00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:23,360
Speaker 2: I didn't physically do it, but in my head, it

714
00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:26,480
Speaker 2: just like I got really pissed at first, you know,

715
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:29,040
Speaker 2: like emotions always are. The first thing that happened for

716
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:31,600
Speaker 2: me is like the ugh, and I'm like, what the

717
00:34:31,640 --> 00:34:35,080
Speaker 2: hell is happening here? Then I second guessed myself. That's

718
00:34:35,080 --> 00:34:37,759
Speaker 2: my other pattern as I go back into like I'm like, well,

719
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:40,440
Speaker 2: maybe you're not seeing this clearly, I questioned myself, and

720
00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:43,240
Speaker 2: then it dawned on me. No, this is the same

721
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:47,040
Speaker 2: situation where someone is trying to tell you the reality

722
00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:49,239
Speaker 2: that you are living is not the reality, and like

723
00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:52,640
Speaker 2: it's gaslighting is the easier way to say that. And

724
00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:55,319
Speaker 2: you have a choice here. You can go along with

725
00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:58,200
Speaker 2: it or you can do something different. And it was

726
00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:00,800
Speaker 2: scary for me. I know it might not be for everyone,

727
00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:05,320
Speaker 2: but like it's it still takes me practice to stand

728
00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:07,960
Speaker 2: up for myself and feel like I deserve to be

729
00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:10,279
Speaker 2: stood up for like, there is something in me that

730
00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:12,839
Speaker 2: always goes, oh, but maybe I'm like overstepping or maybe

731
00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:15,640
Speaker 2: I'm being you know, like unfair or whatever, like I'll

732
00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:18,439
Speaker 2: always kind of have that back of my voice thing.

733
00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:21,439
Speaker 2: And I've really stayed with myself on this one and

734
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:25,040
Speaker 2: just thought, no, I will not keep doing this in

735
00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:28,120
Speaker 2: my life. I know where that leads, Like me doing that,

736
00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:30,160
Speaker 2: I know what that's going to feel like next week,

737
00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:34,400
Speaker 2: But me standing up for myself and doing something different

738
00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:37,560
Speaker 2: is gonna feel maybe better. I don't know. We'll give

739
00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:38,319
Speaker 2: it a go and see what.

740
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:42,480
Speaker 3: Well. I mean, you certainly don't grow without trying new things,

741
00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:46,200
Speaker 3: you know, doing it differently. So yeah, well, I can't

742
00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:48,400
Speaker 3: wait to get the full story when we're not on

743
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:48,799
Speaker 3: the air.

744
00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:52,239
Speaker 2: Let's just say she's probably not gonna call me again, but.

745
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:53,360
Speaker 1: That's okay whatever.

746
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:59,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, anyway, I just think it's always as you were saying, like,

747
00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:01,200
Speaker 2: there's no need to feel about this, But I do

748
00:36:01,239 --> 00:36:04,160
Speaker 2: think it's important to talk about all of the different

749
00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:07,719
Speaker 2: things that instead of walking through life just gate like

750
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:10,799
Speaker 2: glazed over in a haze and not paying attention to

751
00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:13,440
Speaker 2: some of the patterns, like really just going on the

752
00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:17,440
Speaker 2: journey of life school and learning how to show up

753
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:21,040
Speaker 2: for yourself and your relationships in whatever way feels right

754
00:36:21,120 --> 00:36:23,520
Speaker 2: and keep growing, like just to keep looking at it,

755
00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:25,200
Speaker 2: you know, like it doesn't have to be it's not

756
00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:29,040
Speaker 2: going to be fixed overnight or perfect ever. So it's

757
00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:31,000
Speaker 2: not about that, but just the reflection piece.

758
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:31,560
Speaker 1: Yeah.

759
00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:34,319
Speaker 3: Well it's funny too because it's you know, I feel

760
00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:38,840
Speaker 3: like I have a pattern of wanting to find people

761
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:43,720
Speaker 3: or relationships that are easy, and in hindsight, I'm looking

762
00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:46,040
Speaker 3: back and I'm like, the best thing for me is

763
00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:49,400
Speaker 3: to find someone, try to date someone who's going to

764
00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:53,120
Speaker 3: challenge me and force me to do things differently, that

765
00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:56,600
Speaker 3: is more combative, and because for me it's I want

766
00:36:56,600 --> 00:36:59,439
Speaker 3: the Prince Charming, everything's perfect right.

767
00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:00,680
Speaker 2: Out of everybody.

768
00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:03,759
Speaker 3: Yeah, but like we don't we never fight, we don't

769
00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:06,359
Speaker 3: do any of that stuff. But really what I need

770
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:09,520
Speaker 3: is someone that is going to like push me to

771
00:37:09,680 --> 00:37:14,600
Speaker 3: grow and change and reflect and all of those things.

772
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:17,400
Speaker 3: So this is I mean to me, it's been a

773
00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:19,719
Speaker 3: really enlightening conversation. I don't know if it's been that

774
00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:22,360
Speaker 3: way or if I've just talked in circles for the listeners,

775
00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:28,400
Speaker 3: but it's been really enlightening because it's maybe I need

776
00:37:28,400 --> 00:37:32,000
Speaker 3: to be not scared of being in a relationship, but

777
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:35,520
Speaker 3: scared of the relationship in some like there should be

778
00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:39,719
Speaker 3: some level of fear of it not being comfortable. So

779
00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:42,600
Speaker 3: welcoming the discomfort of being in a relationship.

780
00:37:42,680 --> 00:37:44,400
Speaker 2: I think that's a good way to say it, because

781
00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:47,120
Speaker 2: it's not I mean, we all want to be comfortable.

782
00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:50,239
Speaker 2: But like, again, this reminds me back to the six

783
00:37:50,320 --> 00:37:54,200
Speaker 2: stages of a relationship. We do have this magical thinking

784
00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:57,319
Speaker 2: about what a relationship should look like. And easy is

785
00:37:57,360 --> 00:37:59,120
Speaker 2: like an interesting word. I think it used to always

786
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:02,040
Speaker 2: be thrown on my pace. I just want peace, But

787
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:04,920
Speaker 2: if you're not willing to show up in a way

788
00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:08,560
Speaker 2: that brings that to the relationship, that's also something to

789
00:38:08,640 --> 00:38:10,759
Speaker 2: think about. Like, all the people who would say that

790
00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:14,520
Speaker 2: to me were the most unpeaceful people right in this world.

791
00:38:14,600 --> 00:38:17,480
Speaker 2: And it's like I can't just bring something to your

792
00:38:17,520 --> 00:38:20,280
Speaker 2: life that you are not so like, I mean.

793
00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:22,600
Speaker 3: Really, when someone's saying that they just want someone they

794
00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:24,440
Speaker 3: think is hot that will have sex with them, they

795
00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:26,200
Speaker 3: don't want to be in a relationship.

796
00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:29,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's just like they don't want to actually

797
00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:31,560
Speaker 2: have to show up for their relationship. That's very one

798
00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:33,440
Speaker 2: sided to just be like, well I just need this

799
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:35,960
Speaker 2: to be easier, you know, like this is going to

800
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:38,960
Speaker 2: be over or whatever. It's just like, well, people are people.

801
00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:41,160
Speaker 2: People are humans. We all have needs, we all have

802
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:42,280
Speaker 2: like bad.

803
00:38:42,160 --> 00:38:45,880
Speaker 1: Days, all have outside forces, jobs, stress.

804
00:38:45,520 --> 00:38:49,080
Speaker 2: Family, right, so like stuff is going to come up.

805
00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:54,200
Speaker 2: That's just reality. So yeah, different way to think about it.

806
00:38:54,239 --> 00:38:56,520
Speaker 2: I mean, I feel like this is this was an

807
00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:59,319
Speaker 2: interesting chat, and I like that you. I like that

808
00:38:59,400 --> 00:39:02,400
Speaker 2: you honest about just having the shame at the beginning,

809
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:05,200
Speaker 2: because I think a lot of people, including myself, have

810
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:07,560
Speaker 2: definitely felt that because we all we do want to

811
00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:08,280
Speaker 2: get it right.

812
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:12,040
Speaker 3: Ult and I think it's a really natural thing, like

813
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:16,480
Speaker 3: when you when a relationships ends, it's really easy to

814
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:18,839
Speaker 3: like look yourself in the mirror and be like even

815
00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:21,399
Speaker 3: though it's natural to really want to just blame them,

816
00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:23,400
Speaker 3: because it's then you don't have to carry any of

817
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:26,399
Speaker 3: the shame, but also to silently be like, well maybe

818
00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:28,080
Speaker 3: I'm not cut out for this, like maybe I am

819
00:39:28,120 --> 00:39:29,879
Speaker 3: meant to be single. Maybe I don't know what I'm

820
00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:32,319
Speaker 3: doing or how to be in a relationship. And I

821
00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:35,400
Speaker 3: think it's important to share that because if that's what

822
00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:37,880
Speaker 3: a lot of people are feeling that it's proof that

823
00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:39,799
Speaker 3: it has nothing to do with you, you know, like

824
00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:42,680
Speaker 3: not nothing like, because we obviously all need to grow,

825
00:39:42,719 --> 00:39:46,799
Speaker 3: but it's not just about you, like and addressing that

826
00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:50,200
Speaker 3: shame and being honest about it is the only way

827
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:53,000
Speaker 3: around it, really, you know, otherwise you're just going to

828
00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:53,600
Speaker 3: wallow in it.

829
00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:56,600
Speaker 2: Yeah. I don't think anyone's not cut out for relationship.

830
00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:58,640
Speaker 2: I think it's just like, how how much are you

831
00:39:58,719 --> 00:40:01,920
Speaker 2: willing to work on yourself and to keep growing?

832
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:02,520
Speaker 1: Yeah?

833
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:06,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, anyway, if you guys are curious this The reason

834
00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:08,879
Speaker 2: this came up is because Marvi and I discussed that

835
00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:12,040
Speaker 2: this theme would be happening a lot in November with

836
00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:16,719
Speaker 2: the astrology and just to really use the reflections that

837
00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:19,719
Speaker 2: are being mirrored to you to your advantage and to

838
00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:22,640
Speaker 2: actually work with it versus to feel like life is

839
00:40:22,680 --> 00:40:25,839
Speaker 2: happening to you, like Chip said earlier. So go listen

840
00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:27,839
Speaker 2: to the podcast with Marv you'll get a deeper dive

841
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:32,719
Speaker 2: into the themes astrologically coming for us on November, and

842
00:40:33,200 --> 00:40:35,240
Speaker 2: you can always email us at the edge at velveted

843
00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:37,880
Speaker 2: dot com if you have any other thoughts on mirrors

844
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:40,400
Speaker 2: or how that shows up in your life, the reflections

845
00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:42,840
Speaker 2: that come to you through relationships, Like I'm always curious

846
00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:44,759
Speaker 2: about what you guys are thinking too, so email us

847
00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:47,399
Speaker 2: at the Edge at velvetedge dot com. You can also

848
00:40:47,480 --> 00:40:50,520
Speaker 2: hit me up on Instagram. I'm at Velvet's Edge, Chip, I'm.

849
00:40:50,400 --> 00:40:53,279
Speaker 1: At Chip Doors. It's Chip d r.

850
00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:57,600
Speaker 2: Scch and our group can't ever do this fart right?

851
00:40:58,040 --> 00:41:02,719
Speaker 2: And our podcast Instagram thank you, I was having a

852
00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:06,719
Speaker 2: brain malfunction is at Velvet's Edge podcast. So again, all

853
00:41:06,719 --> 00:41:08,800
Speaker 2: of that will be in the description of this podcast

854
00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:10,480
Speaker 2: for you guys. And as you guys go into the

855
00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:12,440
Speaker 2: weekend and you're living on the edge, I hope you

856
00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:16,880
Speaker 2: always remember to at Catule. Bye bye,