Speaker 1: The Nicky Glazer Podcast. Nick Here's Nicky. Hello here I am.
Speaker 1: It's Nicky Glazer podcast. I'm Nicky Glazer. I am in St. Louis.
Speaker 1: Andrew's in St. Louis. We're in the same building. We
Speaker 1: are not in the same room because we are not
Speaker 1: getting along. No, it's not that it's uh covidy issues um.
Speaker 1: And then Noah is in Arizona. It is wednest day sow.
Speaker 1: I say it in my head every time I write it,
Speaker 1: so that I say it, write it right. Wednesday is
Speaker 1: a hard one, so Brett like when you're a little
Speaker 1: kid learning things, and Tuesday is not easier either. Tuesday
Speaker 1: you would just think it's t us when you're a
Speaker 1: little kid. I would always say to it, Oh, have
Speaker 1: you ever seen the TikTok where they're like, uh, they
Speaker 1: hold up cards for a girl to say, and they're
Speaker 1: like t w I and she's like tweet there t
Speaker 1: w A, and then there t w U two, and
Speaker 1: then t w oh she's like two, and everyone last
Speaker 1: she said like twe what two? And then you really
Speaker 1: examine it, You're like, two is such a weird word
Speaker 1: to spell it that way. There's no other t w
Speaker 1: words that just go too yeah, trying to think tot twat,
Speaker 1: tot no, it's all twitch, you know. I think they
Speaker 1: just ran out of I think I think t O
Speaker 1: and t O O was first, and then they were like, well,
Speaker 1: we gotta it could have been any word. It could
Speaker 1: have been. It could have been one, get three. I
Speaker 1: don't know why they're not having three letters and things.
Speaker 1: What do you mean why not t O O O
Speaker 1: three vowels? Just three letters? I mean it's a lot,
Speaker 1: it's a letter to Why don't we just do? I
Speaker 1: mean that's what I was. I had written in my phone,
Speaker 1: you know how sometimes you write like a joke, idea
Speaker 1: or whatever, and I just have tired with thirty seven
Speaker 1: d's And I remembered, I keep going, what does that mean?
Speaker 1: Tired with thirty seven d s? And then I realized
Speaker 1: it was like part of my joke making fun of
Speaker 1: young girls and how their instagrams do that little thing
Speaker 1: where they're just like they just like twitch a little
Speaker 1: bit and like the hair falls in their face and
Speaker 1: it's it's like a boomerang, but it's even it's a
Speaker 1: micro second. It's not even a it's not a boomerang,
Speaker 1: is like a full second. These are like microL and
Speaker 1: then they always write like I'm tired with like thirties
Speaker 1: seventies and thirty seventies is also the size of their
Speaker 1: bra and then the viral for it and then be
Speaker 1: able like dude, it's like genius. But yeah, there there
Speaker 1: is something about writing multiple letters in a thing that
Speaker 1: conveys tone via texting, you know, yeah, I feel like
Speaker 1: when people, um, I'm right out okay, not just UK,
Speaker 1: I don't know okay, yeah, or like the O n K,
Speaker 1: which one seems more passive aggressive to you okay without
Speaker 1: an exclamation mark is hell. It's the man of affirmative answers.
Speaker 1: Okay spelled out too makes it feel It makes it
Speaker 1: feel like a grade school teacher, like it just seems
Speaker 1: so grammatically correct okay, because that is how you spell okay.
Speaker 1: Abby always writes out okay in our messages, and I
Speaker 1: always read it like okay, and it wasn't we give
Speaker 1: so much tone to things like I just wrote. My
Speaker 1: assistant is having to change like a million flights because
Speaker 1: of just me you canceling my l a upping everything,
Speaker 1: and um, it's like her job now is just like
Speaker 1: calling airlines and saying like, we didn't mean to book
Speaker 1: that flight. Can we get a refund? And um, she
Speaker 1: had to do it again this morning because I found
Speaker 1: it cheaper flights somewhere that was not available yesterday. And
Speaker 1: I just wrote back to her, fuck, like god, this
Speaker 1: is your job now, like you, I'm so sorry, and
Speaker 1: she just goes, what's wrong because so it's like, oh no, no,
Speaker 1: I just meant like I was just like sharing your
Speaker 1: consternation that you probably have, and she's like okay, And
Speaker 1: so I just made things worse by being like fuck
Speaker 1: because she thought something on my end happened. How do
Speaker 1: you feel about voice memos? Um, I'm a fan in
Speaker 1: the sense that things don't get lost in text lation. Yes,
Speaker 1: you know, so you can. There's no tone and text
Speaker 1: usually people go to the worst tone possible unless you
Speaker 1: add an L O L and an emoji. There's so
Speaker 1: many times I add an L O L when there's
Speaker 1: not no need for an L O L. But the
Speaker 1: thing is that doesn't mean laugh out loud anymore. It
Speaker 1: just means don't read this in a sarcastic or that's
Speaker 1: what it means. It's almost like the italics of it's
Speaker 1: just a way to like or or an exclamation mark
Speaker 1: really does that too, I think, but l O L
Speaker 1: makes it so gentle. Thank God for l O. I mean,
Speaker 1: we can roll our eyes about like oh, it's not
Speaker 1: really laughing. It a loud but that's what it is.
Speaker 1: It's just a short cut to be like, I come
Speaker 1: in peace. It's like, um, it's the same way when
Speaker 1: you get someone and you either go or you go
Speaker 1: like yeah, yeah, that's a fun little honk when you
Speaker 1: like if you have a like like a just like
Speaker 1: can you just move like a look, can there between
Speaker 1: excuse me and someone in line and go oh excuse me.
Speaker 1: The problem is, though, is either A they won't hear
Speaker 1: the ha, so then you go again it and then
Speaker 1: you got to go another and then they lose their
Speaker 1: mind because it's like seven has which equals one huge ha. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I hate getting at no matter what I mean. Usually
Speaker 1: they're right because I'm checking my phone and when I'm
Speaker 1: at a stoplight and they're probably in a hurry when
Speaker 1: they want to get there point zero seven seconds earlier
Speaker 1: than they would if I wasn't checking my phone. But
Speaker 1: they're right, and I always kind of look up and
Speaker 1: I go, oh, my God, you're right. And then I'm
Speaker 1: kind of embarrassed when they drive past me, and then
Speaker 1: they're embarrassed when I get right next to them at
Speaker 1: the next light. You know, the rules of the roads
Speaker 1: of the road. Man, you forget all about it when
Speaker 1: when you live in New York City, you forget like
Speaker 1: driving and like just rules of the road. Like just
Speaker 1: I don't know, it's interesting that I went ten years
Speaker 1: without a car, like in my thirties. That's weird. I
Speaker 1: love driving so much, it's the best I miss it.
Speaker 1: Um are you thinking pan attacks driving on the highway
Speaker 1: sometimes in Florida? Like I don't know. Um, well, you
Speaker 1: were getting panic attacks for everything? Kind of I got
Speaker 1: panic attacks like ride not you know my version of that,
Speaker 1: I don't want to it's not the same as other people's.
Speaker 1: But like, yeah, riding in cars and not having control.
Speaker 1: But but you driving yourself, that would be horrifying to
Speaker 1: get a panic attack while you're in control of a
Speaker 1: heavy machine. Almost like both Burnham saying he gets panic
Speaker 1: attacks while he's on stage. You go, how could that happen?
Speaker 1: See one time? I got not one time? Multiple times? Yeah,
Speaker 1: on the highways. Then part of you wants to get
Speaker 1: off the highway to get rid of it, and the
Speaker 1: other party wants to drive faster to get home quicker
Speaker 1: one on the bridge once. No, that was Truman Show.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that is the That's my one of
Speaker 1: my favorite movies. I have to remember that next time
Speaker 1: people are like, what's your favorite movie? Do you ever
Speaker 1: like just struggle to remember anything that is your favorite
Speaker 1: when people seem to ask you for it every time time. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we started with that on the show when we do
Speaker 1: best Best Worst uff you. Yeah, and it's one of
Speaker 1: my favorite segments, by the way, Bottom one, Top one,
Speaker 1: Bottom one. I just want to give a shout out
Speaker 1: to the besties on Reddit who posted a thread about
Speaker 1: all of our top one, bottom one, saying it would
Speaker 1: be a great board game. Oh and they put it
Speaker 1: all together. Yeah, and they put it all together and
Speaker 1: like I have it in a spreadsheet, but it's all
Speaker 1: spread out, but to like see it together. I love them.
Speaker 1: I don't go and Reddit, and I'm sorry that I
Speaker 1: don't get to go over to our thing. It's just
Speaker 1: to protect myself in case one douchebag says something wrong
Speaker 1: and it sucks that but you know that I'm in
Speaker 1: so many communications with besties on my d M s
Speaker 1: and that I feel like I am I am accessible
Speaker 1: to you guys. Um, if you really need me, I
Speaker 1: always will be. UM. I love uh the post we
Speaker 1: got on that you reposted that I hadn't seen yet
Speaker 1: on our Nikki Glazer pod Instagram. No, I'm guessing you
Speaker 1: reposted the people with the merch like doing little dances
Speaker 1: and like so proud to be wearing the merch. It
Speaker 1: really touched me in a way that like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: I don't know how to describe it. It's different than
Speaker 1: I've been having fans for almost twenty years now, and
Speaker 1: it's just a different It's just different. It feels so good,
Speaker 1: it's so cute, and I know what that feels like
Speaker 1: to be a fan of a show or like, um,
Speaker 1: just you know two three people like I just I
Speaker 1: know what it's like. So it Um, I guess it
Speaker 1: hits different. It's just so sweet. So thank you to
Speaker 1: everyone who bought merch, and thank you to everyone who
Speaker 1: you know participates in spreading the word of the show,
Speaker 1: spreading the good word. I mean, we met a lot
Speaker 1: of busties this past weekend Austin Um, which we couldn't
Speaker 1: do meet and greets in Austin because it was a festival,
Speaker 1: so I apologized to any busties that were there. Um.
Speaker 1: And then we saw something that drove by us late
Speaker 1: at night. Remember that, Andrew, Yeah, yeah, it's funny, a
Speaker 1: little drive by shout out. That's always fun. And then
Speaker 1: um something because Houston, they weren't feeling they peeled a little.
Speaker 1: It was a little peel. No. We met some really good,
Speaker 1: uh good fans and sweeties um out there, and I
Speaker 1: meant to remember their names and I remember faces though.
Speaker 1: It's just nice. Um. It's cool when like you don't
Speaker 1: expect like someone to be a fan and then you're
Speaker 1: like really what, like, yeah, how did we end up
Speaker 1: in your life? Like? Who was the girl that was
Speaker 1: first in line in Dallas? What was her name? She
Speaker 1: was fun? She was so funny. She was she was
Speaker 1: like what she's such a huge fan. She she starts
Speaker 1: out what I mean, Andrew, do you remember what it
Speaker 1: started out as It started out as like, oh, no,
Speaker 1: this girl is gonna be trouble, but then it quickly
Speaker 1: turned into no, she is just excited and I love
Speaker 1: her energy. And she was saying she's referencing a lot
Speaker 1: of inside jokes. She was by herself, or maybe she
Speaker 1: was with a friend, but her friend had removed herself
Speaker 1: from the situation to be not embarrassed because she was
Speaker 1: freaking out. And she's like, no, Andrew, you need to
Speaker 1: get in this picture too, because Andrew is taking pictures.
Speaker 1: What Andrew, do you remember what she said? She's like,
Speaker 1: I love you, Brenna kisses, I love you. Oh, I
Speaker 1: love the show somewhere like, yeah, a lot of Hamdred.
Speaker 1: We got a lot of hamdre. It's like just sometimes
Speaker 1: they're like, whisper it else? I remember she had the
Speaker 1: curse cut? Ever, what was it again? She she had,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, this was my favorite cut ever heard
Speaker 1: because it involves could It's like an inception cup. So
Speaker 1: she would listen to our podcast in front of her
Speaker 1: ex boyfriend. I believe is what the case was, and
Speaker 1: she or no. She would say around her ex boyfriend.
Speaker 1: She would call it things out for being in front
Speaker 1: of him, not things that he was doing, things that
Speaker 1: she would see and he never asked what it meant.
Speaker 1: You don't know what could means. Yet your girlfriend's using this.
Speaker 1: You are trying to act like you might even know
Speaker 1: it or you don't care. That was so cut. I
Speaker 1: fucking loved that cut so much. And then she was
Speaker 1: calling herself cut about something and I go, no, you
Speaker 1: were not. Oh no, there was something she did that
Speaker 1: was kind of that. Maybe it was in the audience
Speaker 1: that night or something. She was like and I was
Speaker 1: cut in this way, and I was like, yeah, that
Speaker 1: is cut, but like, but that was so funny to
Speaker 1: me that because I've done that before where I'm trying
Speaker 1: to get my boyfriend's attention, not my boyfriend now, but
Speaker 1: like you know other boyfriends. He's the only boyfriend never
Speaker 1: ever had so choice him. Um uh no, I've tried
Speaker 1: to get attention by doing something and then they don't
Speaker 1: pick up on it, and you're like, can't, like you
Speaker 1: know this thing is like you've never heard of it
Speaker 1: before or you've never like come on, yeah, there's a
Speaker 1: I think she was called herself for Alfa being cooked
Speaker 1: because you know I post I posted that thing on
Speaker 1: Instagram where like light laughers or whatever. So now I
Speaker 1: think like people think they have to laugh too loud
Speaker 1: for me, Like I'm like a like a make a
Speaker 1: wish kind of kid, and I'm like They're like, we
Speaker 1: laughed so loud that I think it was like annoying
Speaker 1: people how loud we were laughing. I was like, no,
Speaker 1: it's like I don't I get it that you're being
Speaker 1: very nice, but like I don't need the charity laugh
Speaker 1: of like I gave it extra for yet, like patting
Speaker 1: me on the top of the head, like for your
Speaker 1: little pow boy, and it's like, yeah, that was nice. Laughs. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I just want people to laugh exactly the amount they
Speaker 1: want to. That's why I blurn my eyes because when
Speaker 1: you look at people, they just they it's a it's
Speaker 1: a tactic to get them to laugh harder. Well, you
Speaker 1: have to, it's up. I want I have the I
Speaker 1: try to have the lights down. I try to never
Speaker 1: go out in the audience because I never want to
Speaker 1: put pressure on people to have a better time than
Speaker 1: they are. Really. I want people to have an authentic
Speaker 1: experience where they don't feel pressured to do anything they
Speaker 1: don't want to do. And there's something so great about
Speaker 1: eliciting laughs from people that could have could easily not laugh,
Speaker 1: you know, like there's something so special when you know
Speaker 1: when you're in a setting like that, there are so
Speaker 1: many factors that play into why are you laugh or
Speaker 1: why you don't laugh? Like you know, in comedy clubs,
Speaker 1: everyone's bunched up as close as possible to the front
Speaker 1: because laughter is contagious and it will it will make
Speaker 1: you laugh if people are laughing and having a good time.
Speaker 1: We've talked about some of the tricks, laughing at your
Speaker 1: own jokes, having little like cues like slapping your knee
Speaker 1: with a microphone like Chappelle does, Like there's little things
Speaker 1: that can make the audience, like you know, lacing your
Speaker 1: material with the word fuck like doing there's certain trick
Speaker 1: and there's also tricks that I'm employing throughout my set
Speaker 1: that you know, are just the ways that comedians learn
Speaker 1: how to talk in a way that's funnier than not talk.
Speaker 1: Like I've learned, it's funnier for me to go like
Speaker 1: because old Glaze Dog needs at that instead of saying
Speaker 1: because I need to hear compliments, for me to say,
Speaker 1: for me to button up a joke about compliments that
Speaker 1: has no punchline, and I just finished it with like,
Speaker 1: because you know what, Old Glaze Dog needs a gobent
Speaker 1: that is funnier the amazing because I need a compliment.
Speaker 1: You know, there's tricks like that, but then there's really
Speaker 1: deliberate ones that are just gross. Um. But I always
Speaker 1: am very touched when people have been watching say they
Speaker 1: watch something online or like on TV, and they're like,
Speaker 1: you had me like laughing alone in my apartment because
Speaker 1: there's no pressure on you to do that. Do you
Speaker 1: ever laugh alone, like when you're watching What was the
Speaker 1: last time you really like laughed at something by yourself?
Speaker 1: This is like one of those top one bottom one
Speaker 1: moments where I have no idea. But the last season
Speaker 1: of Curb Your Enthusiasm, when I was okay, yeah, that's
Speaker 1: about I mean, you know that is the Woody Harrelson episode.
Speaker 1: I laughed the hard, Oh my god about him going
Speaker 1: out to the farm and like the cow and stuff.
Speaker 1: I laughed so hard at Molly Shannon's book. Andrew caught
Speaker 1: me on the plane laughing to myself because I couldn't
Speaker 1: help it. I read that book in two days. I
Speaker 1: am bragging. I fucking sped through it. It's a it's
Speaker 1: a big book and I read it. All is so good.
Speaker 1: It's called Hello Molly. I really recommend it for a
Speaker 1: Mother's Day gift because it's all about her losing her
Speaker 1: mom at a young age and how her dad ended
Speaker 1: up being like her mother, and how that relationship is
Speaker 1: kind of sucked up. But it would be a really
Speaker 1: good gift for mother's I think, even though it's a
Speaker 1: tragic loss of a mom at the age of like six,
Speaker 1: she was because it's about in the you know, it's
Speaker 1: about her living her life to make her mom proud,
Speaker 1: even though her mom was never there. So it's a
Speaker 1: beauty and it's a beautiful gift to give a woman
Speaker 1: because it's a really triumphant story about a woman who
Speaker 1: kind of a self made comedian like Superstar six, Superstar success,
Speaker 1: Like it's so beautiful. But I was laughing and the
Speaker 1: book made me cry within ten pages, like so so crying.
Speaker 1: It's really sad what happened to her and her family.
Speaker 1: You should read it to find out. It's called Hello
Speaker 1: Molly Um. But I was laughing so hard at one
Speaker 1: part Andrew looked over me at me on the plane,
Speaker 1: and I wasn't trying to be like I'm laughing at
Speaker 1: a book. I'm smart. I was just laughing because she
Speaker 1: was describing the sketches. It was her The SNL chapters
Speaker 1: and she was describing some of the segments that I
Speaker 1: had never even seen, like or I couldn't remember. I
Speaker 1: didn't remember Sally O'Malley, who is this woman that was
Speaker 1: based off of Her friend went to go like sign
Speaker 1: up for equinox or something, and her friend said that
Speaker 1: this woman was showing around and she was like, listen,
Speaker 1: I'm fifty and I can I can kick, and I
Speaker 1: can splits. I'm fifty. This is the way a woman
Speaker 1: who's fifty. And so she created this character who was like,
Speaker 1: and I can kick and I can stretch, and I'm fifty.
Speaker 1: And so I was laughing so hard. Then I looked
Speaker 1: up all these sketches and I'm dying because it's there
Speaker 1: were so many. It's so funny to read about sketches,
Speaker 1: ones that you remember. Also once I was desperate too.
Speaker 1: I can only find transcripts of because she was like,
Speaker 1: you know, there's this one sketch where we were working
Speaker 1: at a Friday's and the way Will Ferrell said Welcome
Speaker 1: to Friday has made me laugh so hard, or like
Speaker 1: the way he said I'm Gerald, uh you know, uh Cunningham.
Speaker 1: The third Welcome to t G I Friday. She was
Speaker 1: like I cracked up. I broke and so I'm looking
Speaker 1: for t J at Friday's Will Ferrell Molly Shannon. I
Speaker 1: can't find it, so I just find the transcript. But it's, Um,
Speaker 1: it's really I I really went through a depression after
Speaker 1: reading that book because I lost my friend Molly, who
Speaker 1: was talking to me for two days like straight. It's
Speaker 1: it's a real thing that happens to me with books
Speaker 1: that are really really good. In that one, I like
Speaker 1: suffered for a couple of days afterwards of being like,
Speaker 1: I wish I could talk to my friend and she
Speaker 1: has my friends she gave you know, she reached out
Speaker 1: to me on d M. But I don't want to
Speaker 1: bother her. But I fucking love that book so much. Um,
Speaker 1: and I want to talk to you when we get
Speaker 1: back from break next week. A week from tomorrow, I am.
Speaker 1: It's Nicki Glazer Day in St. Louis, and I'm doing
Speaker 1: something very special when we're gonna talk about when we
Speaker 1: get back. Andrew, Hey, everyone, come on down, down and
Speaker 1: I found out. Now come down, frown calf down. We're back.
Speaker 1: Um this weekend, we're going to be in New Orleans
Speaker 1: Friday or Thursday night. One of the either Fort Lauderdale
Speaker 1: or Jacksonville Friday night, m either Fort Lauderdale or Jacksonville
Speaker 1: Saturday night and then Jacket okay Friday, yeah, okay, twenty
Speaker 1: twond is Fort Lauderdale. I think that's Friday Friday, uh,
Speaker 1: and then jackson Saturday and Nashville on Now, Andrew is,
Speaker 1: are we gonna have any family coming out to these shows?
Speaker 1: It's for Villa and sent and it was close to
Speaker 1: where you come from and Port Luisie. You know my
Speaker 1: boy in Nashville, Jake Owen plus one think one's coming out.
Speaker 1: He's bringing the whole honky talk William. Oh, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm gonna You know, I'm gonna ask Jake going
Speaker 1: about something that I've been bothering you about before. Oh shit,
Speaker 1: you know. I did a deep dive as I do
Speaker 1: about Taylor Swift and who she's dating, who different songs
Speaker 1: are about. And I did read that she wrote one
Speaker 1: song about Jake Owen. I believe I forget what will
Speaker 1: you look up? Noah, which song that is? I don't
Speaker 1: know why I'm talking about Dr Phil I am doing
Speaker 1: his podcast later today. Um I will be on Dr
Speaker 1: Phields podcast. I will be on. Asked Chelsea that podcast
Speaker 1: is coming up soon. Whitney Cummings that podcast is up already,
Speaker 1: the one that we talked family consolations. I have like
Speaker 1: forty five minutes left. Oh my god, so you have
Speaker 1: one tenth of it left. It's so I'm so glad.
Speaker 1: It's great. Whitney and I both we have this thing
Speaker 1: that after a podcast we've done. I've done her podcast
Speaker 1: now four or five times. After a podcast, we always
Speaker 1: walk out and we go that was that was like
Speaker 1: not good? Right? And I go listen, it doesn't even matter, like,
Speaker 1: you don't have to put it up, and she goes,
Speaker 1: I just was like, not present. I just got some
Speaker 1: bad family news, which she talks about on the show,
Speaker 1: so I'm not divulging anything that she didn't divulge. And
Speaker 1: she's like, and I go, you don't have to put
Speaker 1: it up, Like, I just want to hang out with you.
Speaker 1: I don't care if you like we can just trash
Speaker 1: it like that. Sometimes you do a bad podcast and
Speaker 1: we're both like was that bad? And then Emily, her producer,
Speaker 1: is like no, it was good, and we're like no that,
Speaker 1: and I go, Whitney, I just realized we have this
Speaker 1: conversation in your immaculate, beautiful marble foy you every single
Speaker 1: time that we think this is ship and then week
Speaker 1: and then you always find out it's like one of
Speaker 1: the best podcasts that your fans love. And then she
Speaker 1: sends she sends her podcast. I think to her cousin
Speaker 1: like her niece to listen to, to like test them,
Speaker 1: and her niece wrote back, like she sent it to me.
Speaker 1: She's like, I think it's good to go, because her
Speaker 1: niece was like, this is the best podcast. So you
Speaker 1: have great chemistry. I think, yeah, we we really do.
Speaker 1: We're both really chatty ladies. It's amazing that anyone gets
Speaker 1: a word in. But um, she she I'm I'm a
Speaker 1: little gay for her. I gotta be honest. She is
Speaker 1: so beautiful, And I said at the beginning of the podcast,
Speaker 1: I thought I was like, I was having fantasies of
Speaker 1: making out with you today. It's really bizarre, and I
Speaker 1: say that it's totally someone who is in a happy relationship.
Speaker 1: I just think she's so beautiful and I'm so I
Speaker 1: feel so loved by her. It's really weird, Like I
Speaker 1: feel like I don't know why I want to make
Speaker 1: out with someone who I feel maternal towards or that
Speaker 1: she feels maternal towards me, but then she hooked me
Speaker 1: up with all that Taylor Swift stuff. Anyway, it's interesting.
Speaker 1: Sparks fly, sparks fly. Okay, yeah, so what's the song about.
Speaker 1: Let's go through the let's let's listen to the lyrics,
Speaker 1: or let's hear let's talk about the lyrics. Yeah, when
Speaker 1: you just started off, I'll be able to pick up
Speaker 1: and just how it opens, the way you move is
Speaker 1: like a full on rainstorm and was like full on
Speaker 1: rainstorm and not a house of cards. I think it's
Speaker 1: the it's that's off. But you're the kind of reckless
Speaker 1: that should send me running. But you're the kind of
Speaker 1: reckless that could send me running. But I kind of
Speaker 1: know that I won't go far. I kind of no,
Speaker 1: I won't go far. No, no, no, it's too much
Speaker 1: because honestly, he's been asked about this before, and this
Speaker 1: is going to be a conversation I have with him
Speaker 1: offline that he feels safe that I won't talk about it,
Speaker 1: even thoughts will, I'll fashion I gets so he won't
Speaker 1: be applied chorus. Okay, uh, drop everything now, meet me
Speaker 1: in the pouring rain. Everything now, meet me in the
Speaker 1: pouring rain, Kiss me on the sidewalk, Take away the
Speaker 1: pain because I've seen sparks fly whenever you walk by.
Speaker 1: Hit me with those greens, baby and the lads, So Brad,
Speaker 1: it'll sounk you win. You're not around because I see
Speaker 1: sparks fly whenever you use smile? Is that right? Yes?
Speaker 1: Does he have green eyes? He does green? And you're
Speaker 1: gonna write a song about a honky tonk your friends
Speaker 1: with the guy named Andrew from high school or college
Speaker 1: and don't remember which. He's gonna do a podcast with
Speaker 1: Nicky Glazer and she's gonna sing the song off key
Speaker 1: a honky donk. We're going down down to the honky Okay.
Speaker 1: So Nicky Glazer Day in St. Louis is coming up
Speaker 1: this next Thursday. There's a Cardinals game. The Mayor's assistant
Speaker 1: mayor can't make it, but the mayor's assistant is gonna
Speaker 1: grant me a star are somewhere and I'm gonna get
Speaker 1: a fucking food item named after me. I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: the I'm gonna get the key to Ballpark Village, which
Speaker 1: is like this whole area near the stadium that is
Speaker 1: where people fans, Cardinals fans go. I'm gonna get get
Speaker 1: the key to it. I don't know what I'm gonna
Speaker 1: do with that key. I just want to go in
Speaker 1: janitor's closets and stuff. I'm like, I'm like a janitor
Speaker 1: for the day, Like I got access to anything. What
Speaker 1: is it? But like what does it get you into?
Speaker 1: Like what is it? I don't know, like the different
Speaker 1: garages and like I just feel like, you know, it's
Speaker 1: just the Ballpark Village, key to the ball not to
Speaker 1: the city, to Ballpark Village, the best part of the city.
Speaker 1: It's a great little place. You know. Cardinals fans are
Speaker 1: huge like this, you know, we're there some of the
Speaker 1: best fans maybe ever, and so it's just it means
Speaker 1: a lot. And they're doing this whole day called Nicki
Speaker 1: Glazer Day at the stadium. They wanted to do like
Speaker 1: my face on like these little cardboard things so everyone
Speaker 1: in the audience could like have my face on theirs.
Speaker 1: But I just thought that would maybe be too much,
Speaker 1: and I just felt like, I don't some people are
Speaker 1: gonna be like, who's Nicky Glazer? Fuck this bitch, Like
Speaker 1: we love John hand. We don't want I just throwing
Speaker 1: out the first pitch, which the cardboard. I mean, are
Speaker 1: you going to practice? And my day is Nicky Glazer
Speaker 1: Day for Thursday, So I I help. I know Chris
Speaker 1: helped you throw we help. I helped you in the
Speaker 1: green room. You already have gray form. So I and
Speaker 1: I appreciate like I got validated from two men that
Speaker 1: I really trust when it comes to form in sports
Speaker 1: form sports. These guys are both NBA's natural born athletes.
Speaker 1: That's what I call NBA's um. And so I'm throwing
Speaker 1: out the first pitch. I asked them if I could
Speaker 1: sing the national anthem, which given my rendition of spark
Speaker 1: slide today, I don't see why they wouldn't want to
Speaker 1: do that. But they said they just ignored that, and
Speaker 1: they kept saying first pitch. And so I was like,
Speaker 1: can I just go out with the Cardinals girls in
Speaker 1: short shorts and like stand on the ug out and
Speaker 1: like do the little slingshot for like T shirts and like,
Speaker 1: you know, just do a dance with fred Bird. Please
Speaker 1: not the first pitch. I don't want to. You guys
Speaker 1: don't understand. I don't like you do understand you know me.
Speaker 1: I don't like balls. I'm like that girl in Clueless.
Speaker 1: Um My surgeon said I shouldn't have balls flying at
Speaker 1: my face. Well, so I do not. I don't like
Speaker 1: catching balls, I don't like throwing them. I always feel
Speaker 1: like I'm just such like I'm a joke. Like people
Speaker 1: are just like, oh my god, she through that like
Speaker 1: a girl, you know, even though that's like a compliment,
Speaker 1: because I love being a girl that did that to that.
Speaker 1: So the only person I'm really okay being vulnerable about
Speaker 1: my lack of athletic prowess in front of it when
Speaker 1: it comes to someone I really respect athletically is Chris.
Speaker 1: I do not invite Andrew into this because I just
Speaker 1: until the other until I got validation from Chris that
Speaker 1: I had good form, I would not have ever shown
Speaker 1: it to Andrew because I just don't know why. Chris,
Speaker 1: I know, will love me no matter what. I know.
Speaker 1: Andrew wilts too, But I just feel like Andrew will
Speaker 1: laugh at me, whereas Chris won't laugh at me. He'll
Speaker 1: just like help me. But I feel like Andrew will
Speaker 1: be helping me through giggles of how bad I am.
Speaker 1: I think I proved myself. I think I proved myself
Speaker 1: that I didn't giggle in your face, but I went in.
Speaker 1: I was good. So the other night Chris came over
Speaker 1: and he had he has a little ball that he
Speaker 1: keeps here that he rolls out on his shoulder and
Speaker 1: stuff roll out, and he and I started throwing it,
Speaker 1: and he just taught me. He just was like, just
Speaker 1: throw it. He was like, okay, well that was straight.
Speaker 1: But my question, yes, did he stand behind you and
Speaker 1: like put his hands on your hands? And oh my god,
Speaker 1: the movie fever pitch. It would have been so hot. No,
Speaker 1: he didn't do that. Andrew did though, and I go,
Speaker 1: why are we doing? No? Uh no, no one did
Speaker 1: that for me. They just Chris taught me a thing
Speaker 1: where I stepped back with my left foot, I rotate
Speaker 1: my right, my right foot to out, I raised up
Speaker 1: my left foot. It's like, you know, just to do
Speaker 1: a little funny thing beforehand that looks like I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know, just a little performative thing, and then wind
Speaker 1: up and throw and then I should spit on the ball.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's what I I just don't want to oh yeah,
Speaker 1: I want to do like a cartwheel or like a
Speaker 1: back back bend. Or like I don't know, I saw
Speaker 1: someone Vials too. It's like why would I try to
Speaker 1: do anything someone Viles? Does you know what you should do? Honestly,
Speaker 1: I think when you get up there face towards second
Speaker 1: base and then go oh fuck, like just a quick
Speaker 1: like you're facing the wrong way and you catch it,
Speaker 1: it's almost too obvious that so wrong it would be
Speaker 1: funny or to do something that's like like a very
Speaker 1: like an earnestly like something I would get wrong that
Speaker 1: I would never get wrong. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: I know you're saying it's like so exaggerated that's funny.
Speaker 1: But that's my point. Yeah, Like is that it's just
Speaker 1: so like like if it was like a little bit
Speaker 1: too long that you were just facing what if I
Speaker 1: was like licking my fingers and you know, doing the
Speaker 1: thing under my eye? Like is there any kind of
Speaker 1: like funny anyway? Oh? You could pretend to have like
Speaker 1: vassiline all over, like like a lot of pictures will
Speaker 1: hide like vasoline and like they're like going sweat. No,
Speaker 1: I don't want to be filthy because St. Louis already
Speaker 1: is kind of like are we letting this fucking horror
Speaker 1: on Okay, you know Christian baseball field. So so then
Speaker 1: Andrew and I threw around Matt pond sock. Last in
Speaker 1: um Dallas, We're thrown around COVID and we and Andrew
Speaker 1: said it was good. He was impressed by me. It
Speaker 1: was a sock. I mean, what what are we gonna do?
Speaker 1: And he gave me some tips that were really good.
Speaker 1: Was like, losing is lighter than a ball, Yeah, but
Speaker 1: it was easier to like really try to throw it
Speaker 1: as hard as possible, whereas if I was indoors trying
Speaker 1: to I just there's a part of me that's so
Speaker 1: scared of breaking things that I just never will throw
Speaker 1: it as hard as I can lest it's something that
Speaker 1: I know won't hurt anyone. Um. And he taught me
Speaker 1: to like loosen up my arm because I was kind
Speaker 1: of like all bunched up and like. And then yesterday
Speaker 1: Chris picked me up and brought me. We got we
Speaker 1: went and played catch in forest Park and we played
Speaker 1: catch for like an hour and I'm so good. I
Speaker 1: hate to brag, but I'm really good. And we were
Speaker 1: doing it from sixty and a half feet away, which
Speaker 1: is like is not going to be the distance that
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to do it because that's the distance
Speaker 1: between the UM you know, the pictures, mound and home plate.
Speaker 1: But they're going to come in for me a little
Speaker 1: bit further. And I think Chris was like, I think
Speaker 1: you tell him to stay. I think you do six.
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, I'm gonna. I think it'd be funny
Speaker 1: if I just go no, go back. And then yeah,
Speaker 1: did you see the video of UM baseball that hit
Speaker 1: the I think the pictures, but yeah, did you see
Speaker 1: that video? So hot? It like he was like j Lo,
Speaker 1: it was like so hot. It was like a juicy ass.
Speaker 1: That ball was crying and he kind of like yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: the ball slung half Yeah, Noah has it right here. Look.
Speaker 1: I like how he gives it a little boom and
Speaker 1: he was able to get that hand out in front.
Speaker 1: I want to do that bang picture. That is like
Speaker 1: a luscious ass. That's an insane ass. There's girls that
Speaker 1: would go to baseball games at two Lane just to
Speaker 1: see that. Ask those pants really a stuate the ass.
Speaker 1: Women don't go to they're wrong going for it. It's
Speaker 1: just an added perk. No, they go because they think
Speaker 1: they might have a chance of fucking those guys. But
Speaker 1: they don't go just to ogle. I'm telling you they were.
Speaker 1: I had friends, there were a lot of baseball groupies
Speaker 1: that love the tight pants with the app But they
Speaker 1: also think they have a chance of sucking those guys.
Speaker 1: That's why they if they well that's mainly that's two
Speaker 1: different things, because if the if the chance to fuck
Speaker 1: them was out of the equation, then it wouldn't happen,
Speaker 1: like if they were just aggling, Like if they could
Speaker 1: go watch it on a screen where it was just
Speaker 1: close ups of their asses, they probably wouldn't watch it
Speaker 1: from home. Do you know what I'm saying. I get
Speaker 1: what you're saying, but I don't. I don't think they
Speaker 1: stand alone. I think i've I've oggled before. I get it,
Speaker 1: but I would not. You just would look up if
Speaker 1: you google Google. Uh, halle Berry looking at Kobe Bryant
Speaker 1: at the Yeah, but that's because she has a chance
Speaker 1: to Kobe Bryant for sure, But she did so anyway,
Speaker 1: I will say how I feel. I'm really good. We
Speaker 1: threw for an hour, and I will say that I
Speaker 1: got I threw to him straight and it wasn't always
Speaker 1: sixty ft away. It was usually like more like forty.
Speaker 1: But I will say that I got I was. I
Speaker 1: threw straight of the time, maybe five and I got
Speaker 1: it within inches of his mit sev the time, like
Speaker 1: it was, it was undeniably. I'm good and like I
Speaker 1: have good Like I my arm is is weaker than
Speaker 1: my aim, but my aim is good. That's all I
Speaker 1: want to do is really throw it straight. So what
Speaker 1: I know now is that despite so I get to
Speaker 1: do it one time, you know, I don't get to
Speaker 1: like I can warm up a little bit, but it's
Speaker 1: gonna be scared. Like if I if I get to
Speaker 1: throw five pitches, then people would be like, wow, she's good.
Speaker 1: If I pick up one time and do the one
Speaker 1: bad one, because one out of every you know, I
Speaker 1: would say ten percent of the time, it's a fucking
Speaker 1: bad one. You know, I just like throw it into
Speaker 1: the ground or whatever. So but what I know is
Speaker 1: that my boyfriend, who I really care about him, you know,
Speaker 1: being proud of his lady, he can be proud of
Speaker 1: me already and know what I'm He knows what I'm
Speaker 1: capable of. I don't I'm capable of. And it doesn't
Speaker 1: matter if you throw too far. It will look cooler
Speaker 1: than coming up short. So if I were you, I
Speaker 1: would aim high because no one's expecting a girl to
Speaker 1: be able to throw it like seventy ft. And if
Speaker 1: you were like, sorry, I'm too fucking strong, no one's
Speaker 1: going to laugh at that. Because I just want to
Speaker 1: throw it dead straight. I'm okay if it goes a
Speaker 1: little short, but yes, I will aim to throw it
Speaker 1: because I could. If I throw it straight on, I
Speaker 1: won't go sixty ft, but if I do it a
Speaker 1: little pop up style, it'll go the sixty and a half.
Speaker 1: So I'm going to go for throwing it a little
Speaker 1: bit higher. Yes, even though it looks a little bit
Speaker 1: more girly, but I I really am aiming for like, wow,
Speaker 1: that was right on his mit. Because my aim isn't
Speaker 1: really good, I will think, I mean, I don't know
Speaker 1: what to compare it to. Who knows. Maybe everyone's this good,
Speaker 1: but um, I felt, you know me, I only do
Speaker 1: things that I feel like, oh, I'm actually like better
Speaker 1: than this than most people. And I felt my aim
Speaker 1: because my dad used to practice with me with frisbee.
Speaker 1: He said, if you hit me on the chest and
Speaker 1: he'd be sixty feet away. I'll give you fifty dollars,
Speaker 1: and so we would always he would just stand there
Speaker 1: with his chest and I think I want it in time,
Speaker 1: but we were I was, you know, I know aim
Speaker 1: in that sense. Okay, let's get to the news. It's Wednesday, folks.
Speaker 1: You know what that means. It is Wednesday. I hope
Speaker 1: you're having a good time out there. It's a hump
Speaker 1: the day of the week. It's the middle of the week,
Speaker 1: it's the top of the week. It's coming on back down,
Speaker 1: but it will come back up there in the weekend.
Speaker 1: Who knows, maybe not, but I hope you're having all
Speaker 1: the swells out there. And I don't think no one's
Speaker 1: going to take it away. Here we go take it there.
Speaker 1: Just a friendly reminder to go to Nicki glazer dot
Speaker 1: com slash tour for Nikki's tour dates, and it's also
Speaker 1: on the fully Loaded Comedy Festival. You've got a couple
Speaker 1: of dates on those, yes, and I have also extended,
Speaker 1: if not on the fully Loaded Burt tour, but on
Speaker 1: my tour. If you go alone and write me going
Speaker 1: alone in all caps, but in only that message, don't
Speaker 1: write something after it, because I only see the one
Speaker 1: last message you said. If you started with going alone
Speaker 1: in all caps and you tell me you're going alone
Speaker 1: to a show, I will give you free meet and
Speaker 1: greet on me for being brave enough to go alone,
Speaker 1: and I will bump you up to a v I
Speaker 1: P meet and greet. So just DM meet going alone
Speaker 1: all caps if you want to go alone to any
Speaker 1: of the shows that aren't on the Burt tour um
Speaker 1: and that is my gift to you for being brave
Speaker 1: enough to go alone. Going alone all caps, give me
Speaker 1: your full name and what show you're going to and boom,
Speaker 1: they'll be at the box office. No other no other requirements.
Speaker 1: All right, so the first story I have to say,
Speaker 1: thanks to bestie. She goes by wit for brains on Instagram. Alright.
Speaker 1: Several meaningful kindergarteners consumed a pre mix tequila drink marked
Speaker 1: as adult lemonade at snack time in their Michigan school.
Speaker 1: Good for them, so poison could fall, No student needed
Speaker 1: medical attention. They were doing a line. Yeah, well it
Speaker 1: had ten percent alcohol, which is come of a lot.
Speaker 1: That's a lot. And why was it out there like
Speaker 1: just like labeled like so easily. I bet one of
Speaker 1: them brought it from home. Yeah, so a student brought
Speaker 1: it from home. Um. The spokesperson from the school said
Speaker 1: it's unfortunate that these types of adult beverages can easily
Speaker 1: be mistaken for child friendly drinks. Yes, especially when it
Speaker 1: says adult on it and you're a little kid and
Speaker 1: you want to feel adult, or you don't even know
Speaker 1: what the word adult means and it says lemonade. And
Speaker 1: you know, things are labeled in such cute ways. You
Speaker 1: know that. Remember that the drink on Summer House that
Speaker 1: that guy sells lover Boy, that is a that's a
Speaker 1: little girl's Like I would be obsessed with that packaging
Speaker 1: and stuff as a little girl. And so you know what, man,
Speaker 1: As someone who doesn't drink anymore, I get jealous of
Speaker 1: anyone who accidentally consumes alcohol and just gets to have
Speaker 1: a little fun buzz. Even kids who have developmental like
Speaker 1: brains are still developing. One little drunk ee episode is
Speaker 1: not gonna It's just going to be a good story
Speaker 1: for the rest of their lives. So good. I never
Speaker 1: had a white claw. Have you ever had a white claw? No,
Speaker 1: you should do that now, I know. I guess I
Speaker 1: could have a white are you done drinking, Like, what's
Speaker 1: your status right now? Are you going back on the really?
Speaker 1: Like I just want to be healthy right now? Yah? Yeah,
Speaker 1: you don't want to do anything that affects your immune system. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so I don't know, I'll probably Yeah, I don't have
Speaker 1: a white claw. You gotta do my claw within this month.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have one white claw. Hell, yes, dude, And
Speaker 1: I'm gonna drink you with fives truly, or a kombucha,
Speaker 1: even a full blast kombucha would be yummy. I'm just
Speaker 1: like rings like Dad's heroin. He's like, oh, I thought
Speaker 1: it was. It was so jealous, like we thought it
Speaker 1: was the kid's kind you injunct into your asshole. What
Speaker 1: was your science experiments? I just did moniest fucking one ever.
Speaker 1: We do this later. I don't know this is actually
Speaker 1: appropriate with this. I was in chemistry class. I did
Speaker 1: not understand anything about, you know, chemical reactions, and we
Speaker 1: had to do we had to pitch a product that
Speaker 1: was based on the assignment. Was you create a product
Speaker 1: that you're selling almost like shark tank, where there's a
Speaker 1: there's a chemical reaction that happens in the product. All right,
Speaker 1: So the only chemical reaction I knew of the easiest
Speaker 1: one was baking soda vinegar boom volcano. Right, we all
Speaker 1: we all know that this is tenth grade and so
Speaker 1: like this is volcanoes, that chemical action is so like elementary.
Speaker 1: But I was like, I can still use it. It
Speaker 1: passes the test of this thing. So I came up
Speaker 1: with the product. This is honestly so funny. It was.
Speaker 1: I bought a baby doll, the hollow baby doll. I
Speaker 1: put baking soda inside the baby doll. After I took
Speaker 1: off its head, put the head back on, I uh
Speaker 1: made a hole in its mouth. And it was a
Speaker 1: baby doll that taught kids about the dangers of drinking alcohol.
Speaker 1: And then I put vinegar and like with like a
Speaker 1: beer on the bottle. And then I was like, you know,
Speaker 1: this is a baby doll that you give your children
Speaker 1: to teach them like alcohol is bad for you and
Speaker 1: makes you sick. And so I poured I was like,
Speaker 1: baby loves beer, and I poured it into the baby
Speaker 1: starts spewing up everywhere. It was a doll that dare
Speaker 1: teachers could take around to schools to teach kids. And
Speaker 1: I got a you know, a plus plus because of
Speaker 1: creativity more so than the chemical reaction that I had
Speaker 1: to also explain on the white board. I think, you know,
Speaker 1: that's a great invention. I really like that invention. Thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you. I'm really really creative with I had some
Speaker 1: great school projects. What about you. I've told you this.
Speaker 1: I mean I was a little less creative with this one.
Speaker 1: I Uh. I brought in a few different kind of fruits,
Speaker 1: and I had people plug their nose to see if taste,
Speaker 1: if smell effects taste. So the idea was they clamped
Speaker 1: their so they can't smell. And so here's the thing though,
Speaker 1: I forgot the clamp, so I just blindfolded them. Well
Speaker 1: they get plugged their nouse. I guess they could have,
Speaker 1: but they didn't. So I just blindfolded them and they
Speaker 1: were like, yeah, that's an orange, that's an apple, that's
Speaker 1: an orange. Yeah. Uh. They were all fifty for fifty,
Speaker 1: like it was literally, there was no The hypothesis is
Speaker 1: that I'm a fucking moron. And the conclusion was I
Speaker 1: was right by literally like you would think by like
Speaker 1: forty eight like of them going that's an orange, I
Speaker 1: would have stopped, but I think I stuck with it
Speaker 1: too because like I had to be confident about how
Speaker 1: bad you know what I mean, Like, yeah, I was
Speaker 1: like yeah, I was like by thirty, I was just like,
Speaker 1: I know this is wrong. I would see the guy
Speaker 1: in class leaned back in his chair to be kin.
Speaker 1: Then he'd fall over and he'd be like I loved it,
Speaker 1: I want to do it again, and you're like, no,
Speaker 1: you didn't, and you've funked up, and now you're like
Speaker 1: embracing it like it was meant to be. We used
Speaker 1: to make fun of that guy so much, all right,
Speaker 1: Andrew study finds that American men's penises are only the
Speaker 1: fifty ninth biggest in the world, beaten by Haitians, Australians,
Speaker 1: and French whoa out of country country. Here's the sch
Speaker 1: long list. Oh wow, so equator six point nine three
Speaker 1: inches average. Wait we're not seeing. I'm not seeing the
Speaker 1: whole thing thing is zoomed in. Yes, So Ecuador comes
Speaker 1: in at number one with six point nine three. It
Speaker 1: goes Ecuador, Cameroon, Bolivia, su Dan, Haiti, France. Although all these,
Speaker 1: all these countries, I will say, have um their foreskin still,
Speaker 1: which I bet ads point three I wrecked, I know,
Speaker 1: but they so their four skin gets pulled back. Okay, yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: So I mean I feel like in any country that
Speaker 1: might be a little smaller where everyone is pretty much similar,
Speaker 1: so you're gonna get similar sized dicks. America, you have
Speaker 1: so much diversity, so you could have Well do you
Speaker 1: think about if we didn't have so much diversity it
Speaker 1: was just all the white man, we would be a
Speaker 1: lot lower. Average length numbers six thousand the average length
Speaker 1: of an American man's penis countries. Yeah, according to the
Speaker 1: study that the Sun posted about, it has to be
Speaker 1: oh or something five point three five. That can't be right.
Speaker 1: That's the average in US. Yes, so that makes sense.
Speaker 1: That's a that's a decent size. That's that's a decent size.
Speaker 1: That's you don't know penis length. You always like, you
Speaker 1: guys draw it at this comedy cellar, and you know,
Speaker 1: I know what it is. I'm saying, I know you
Speaker 1: think that that's small. No, no, but I'm saying, I'm
Speaker 1: saying what you think five point three? I get a
Speaker 1: ruler because I know what six inches is? Six inches
Speaker 1: is this whenever you draw dicks on the on the Yeah,
Speaker 1: we were drawing big dicks though. Andrew we knew that.
Speaker 1: I know dick a whole special about how my boyfriend's
Speaker 1: penis was average and how he should be proud of it.
Speaker 1: I know what an average penis is. Okay, but but okay,
Speaker 1: how many countries do you think there are? Don't look, guys,
Speaker 1: don't look because I just looked it up because I
Speaker 1: kind of didn't know in the world, no, in the universe,
Speaker 1: in our country, how many countries are? Right? I know?
Speaker 1: I think, oh yeah, I'm gonna go with I'd say
Speaker 1: there's a million, Okay, Um, I think like in the
Speaker 1: three hundreds. It's so funny. I would have guessed like
Speaker 1: two forty, I think. Okay, but that we don't know that.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, who is the
Speaker 1: smallest dicks? No? Is there anyone or who's the smallest
Speaker 1: on the list? Yes, that was included, but I didn't
Speaker 1: wait to disparage anyone, so I didn't come on. What
Speaker 1: kind of small ticks are not a bad thing? I
Speaker 1: love it, really did together. I believe it was Cambodia
Speaker 1: that came in last. Cambodia. Okay, Oh yeah, I don't
Speaker 1: want to do the whole like Asians have small penises,
Speaker 1: they and tired, and also I don't think true, but
Speaker 1: if it is, who gives a fuck? My whole special
Speaker 1: is turning into I just want to do a whole
Speaker 1: special about guys with small penises and now they should
Speaker 1: be proud. There was a lot. I posted something on
Speaker 1: my Instagram yesterday from the Lesser the account that said, uh,
Speaker 1: let me see if it's still up there one second.
Speaker 1: They should make they should make a thing that goes
Speaker 1: around your penis that like maybe like I don't know,
Speaker 1: like a like a peg for your penis, but you
Speaker 1: don't they have that really? Yeah, like like an extension
Speaker 1: for the penis that men can wear. Yeah they Yeah,
Speaker 1: they've read everything. Um, they have everything. You feel the
Speaker 1: I wonder if you could feel blessa company? Ballessa co
Speaker 1: on Instagram. I posted this on my story. I've never
Speaker 1: gotten so many reactions to something I put on my
Speaker 1: story than this. It was a tweet from just k
Speaker 1: y ten eighteen says when men learned the vibrator as
Speaker 1: their teammates and not the competition, society will heal. And
Speaker 1: I had so many guys writing to me being like yes, girl,
Speaker 1: being like hey, I allow that? Will you dat me?
Speaker 1: And then I had so many girls writing to me,
Speaker 1: including one who I'm not going to reveal who it was,
Speaker 1: but it's someone um who I think I know personally.
Speaker 1: It's one of those internet friendships that you don't know
Speaker 1: if you've met personally. But um, she said, my boyfriend
Speaker 1: doesn't believe she goes a percent. My boyfriend doesn't believe me.
Speaker 1: I said, not, okay, she goes. Alpha males are insecure.
Speaker 1: L O L. I said, I won't have sex without them,
Speaker 1: meaning alpha males now meaning vibrators. She said, I bring
Speaker 1: it out always. The weird thing is every other guy
Speaker 1: that didn't um, I want to be my boyfriend never
Speaker 1: had a problem with it. L O L. I said,
Speaker 1: guys need to understand that these toys do not replace them.
Speaker 1: We need them to make these toys work best. I
Speaker 1: would rather have a guy in a vibe over a
Speaker 1: vibe alone any day. She said, exactly. And it's a compliment.
Speaker 1: We want to share it with them. I said, they
Speaker 1: don't make guys absolutely, we need them to hold them.
Speaker 1: And she said, yeah, I get I get off more
Speaker 1: often when he's not when he's involved with you know,
Speaker 1: with the toy. She goes, my hand gets tired holding it, um.
Speaker 1: And then I said, it's so nice to have someone
Speaker 1: do it, and she said, and they're learning to. I'm
Speaker 1: all about it, um, And it just sucks that there
Speaker 1: are any girls like this girl is like a cool, sucking, opinionated,
Speaker 1: funny girl that is dealing with a guy who's insecure
Speaker 1: about that. It's just like, I think that just sets
Speaker 1: the stage for a lot of insecurity elsewhere in the relationship.
Speaker 1: It makes me nervous when they're when guys have that
Speaker 1: hang up, But I get it. We just need to
Speaker 1: dismantle it by telling the truth, because I think guys
Speaker 1: just it would be like if a guy had a
Speaker 1: fuck doll and you would take offense to that somehow,
Speaker 1: And maybe we don't understand it fully. I don't know.
Speaker 1: If I was having sex with a fun doll underneath
Speaker 1: your ass, would probably wouldn't be Yeah, I don't know,
Speaker 1: I like doll. I know. No, It's like, I'm what
Speaker 1: if the guy, okay, what if Okay, here's a scenario.
Speaker 1: You're hooking up with the guy he can't orgasm, he goes,
Speaker 1: he has to go roll over and have sex with
Speaker 1: the fun doll to come in front of you. Hot.
Speaker 1: I would say I would be fine with that too,
Speaker 1: because I would say it's not me, it's not because
Speaker 1: human woman. I would no, but would be nothing like you. Well,
Speaker 1: I get your joke, but I really do think that
Speaker 1: I wouldn't care because I would go this guy has
Speaker 1: been trained to get off with this fun doll when
Speaker 1: I haven't been in his life, and I he it's
Speaker 1: not just my vagina, it's no girl's vagina like this thing.
Speaker 1: I can never be the same vagina as a fun doll.
Speaker 1: I would never feel I would never feel jealous of
Speaker 1: a thing, of a piece of in bed with him. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I could suck a stick all. I could kiss
Speaker 1: him while he's sucking the fun like. There's things that
Speaker 1: I can bring to the fund situation that alone, the
Speaker 1: fund would not provide for him, even if it's in
Speaker 1: the in the closet, going back every time. I don't
Speaker 1: care because because I understand that men have sexual dysfunction
Speaker 1: and just as women do dysfunction, meaning we have been
Speaker 1: trained to get off on our own when we're single
Speaker 1: with these toys, and we have become addicted to porn,
Speaker 1: addicted to toys and are and I've raised the bar
Speaker 1: for what how much pressure I need on my vagina
Speaker 1: and how much stimulation I need And it's because of toys.
Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean that I should now have to like, like,
Speaker 1: you know, it's like salting your food like it would be.
Speaker 1: It's embarrassing. Chefs don't like it when you salt your food.
Speaker 1: But it's like, well, bit, I don't have a chef
Speaker 1: cooking for me all the time, so I've grown accustomed
Speaker 1: to really salty food and I'm gonna salt this fucking dish.
Speaker 1: And you shouldn't take offense to it. It's just you
Speaker 1: should wean yourself off and attempted. But it should not
Speaker 1: be offensive to you that because he would be with
Speaker 1: a fun doll if he wanted to be with the
Speaker 1: fun doll. If a guy is with you or a
Speaker 1: girl is with you, they are not If you think
Speaker 1: they're with you for a reason other than being with you,
Speaker 1: that's a whole other thing. But they just trust them
Speaker 1: to not be with you if they don't want to
Speaker 1: be with you. That's just mine. The guy I think
Speaker 1: I have the joke about, you know, feeling like Woody
Speaker 1: from Toy Story with all the new dicks showing up
Speaker 1: and like, yes, I think both can be true that
Speaker 1: like I love like using it and having it as
Speaker 1: like a tag team partner. I really do. And at
Speaker 1: the same point, I'm a little insecure where it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: but I can't do it on my own without my
Speaker 1: tag team partner who might be better than me at
Speaker 1: what he's doing that as a guy that can't come
Speaker 1: like needed your hand like the same way, Yeah, and
Speaker 1: I do, and like I would say of me, is
Speaker 1: teamwork all the way? Yeah, it's still a little into
Speaker 1: so I think, you know, I think if guys can,
Speaker 1: you could come at guys won't come at guy. But
Speaker 1: in that angle of being like, look, I get it,
Speaker 1: you can still be insecure, but also like look at
Speaker 1: as a teacher. Yes, it doesn't have to be like
Speaker 1: you have to. Yeah, don't be insecure your pussy for
Speaker 1: insecut No trust that you're insecure, but you know, realize
Speaker 1: it's coming from places that maybe you need to work
Speaker 1: on outside of the bedroom and it's not that you know, um,
Speaker 1: but yeah, not being critical of being insecure. Play baseball
Speaker 1: catch it's like what are you gonna catch with your
Speaker 1: bare hand? Or you need a mitt? Like amit? What
Speaker 1: are you mad at the mit don't be mad at them.
Speaker 1: I'm catching. I'm catching with my pussy pump. It has
Speaker 1: like a good hollowed out cove that I can catch
Speaker 1: the Yeah, that would be hilarious to be like, okay,
Speaker 1: they'd be like, can we make it Jenna Jamison day
Speaker 1: instead of this whore. Um, Okay, we gotta take a
Speaker 1: quick break. We're gonna come back with why do I Care?
Speaker 1: All right, we're back. Why do I Care? Why do
Speaker 1: I Care? Another story submitted by a couple of besties,
Speaker 1: I'd love to a swift e. Scientist names a new
Speaker 1: millipede specie after Taylor Swift. This got sent to me
Speaker 1: by A Lee who we talked about yesterday. Who's the
Speaker 1: one that gave Andrew the advice about the COVID medicine.
Speaker 1: At Lee sent this to me yesterday. I wouldn't handle
Speaker 1: it because it is combining the thing I love most
Speaker 1: in the world with the thing I love the least.
Speaker 1: Filipedes and centipedes are my number one and two and
Speaker 1: um house centipedes, millipedes the fact that the work does
Speaker 1: buy them something. So what is it called? Alright, So
Speaker 1: this new millipede species is nonarrhea swift a which uh
Speaker 1: is um oh man. I didn't put it. It goes
Speaker 1: because I'm a Taylor Swift fan. Okay, So in his tweet,
Speaker 1: he goes, I'm a big fan of her music, so
Speaker 1: I wanted to show my appreciation by naming this new
Speaker 1: species from Tennessee after her. Hi. Well, she is also
Speaker 1: you know, from Tennessee. Now she is originally from Pennsylvania.
Speaker 1: But I love this. I would probably do the same thing.
Speaker 1: When I was asked what Cardinals Jersey number I wanted,
Speaker 1: I picked thirteen because I'm a swifty and that's swift ease,
Speaker 1: that's the number. I almost picked nineteen because I used
Speaker 1: to be my favorite number because one nine is Dave
Speaker 1: Matthew's birthday. But I have let that go funky and
Speaker 1: so at thirty, I would probably do the same thing.
Speaker 1: I have to say that lately, I don't know how
Speaker 1: to say this. My Taylor Swift obsession has been relaxing,
Speaker 1: and I don't know why. It's maybe just I still
Speaker 1: love her, I still consume everything. The obsession, though, is
Speaker 1: there's just less of a like, I don't know what's happening.
Speaker 1: Maybe I'm maturing. Finally, I don't know what's going on,
Speaker 1: but I don't when I go. I don't need to
Speaker 1: listen to her constantly. I don't need to because also
Speaker 1: we haven't had a lot of new music in a while,
Speaker 1: and also none of her songs I'm happy right now,
Speaker 1: so number her songs besides are really hitting it for me.
Speaker 1: This is a typical pattern with obsession, by the way,
Speaker 1: like if you took a graph and you have you know,
Speaker 1: like how much you're obsessed versus time, the line always
Speaker 1: shoots up like straight up, so you can't maintain I've
Speaker 1: maintained this obsession for a really long time. And I
Speaker 1: also have loved much before Dave Matthews Band and yeah,
Speaker 1: Phoebe Bridgers. I'm very much into right now. I've talked
Speaker 1: about a little bit. It's she's not even close to
Speaker 1: replacing Taylor at this point, um, but I just I'm
Speaker 1: for some reason, I've been really into just new music
Speaker 1: and um music really by people who are inspired by Taylor,
Speaker 1: Olivia Rodrigo as well, like these are all kind of
Speaker 1: disciples of Taylor Swift that have come out of uh,
Speaker 1: what she's made. So and also I'm really into like
Speaker 1: Girl in Red, I'm into um and King Princess. I'm
Speaker 1: so into King Princess. I am into sad girl rock,
Speaker 1: but I'm into lesbian sad girl rock more specifically Girl
Speaker 1: in Red and King Princess, Are and Fletcher I'm I'm
Speaker 1: into as well. They're all uh, they're all lesbians, and
Speaker 1: there's just something badass about these girls who are singing
Speaker 1: about women. There's this one song, Oh Teak and Sarah
Speaker 1: I've I've loved forever. I fucking love them so much,
Speaker 1: but um, I uh, the Girl in Red does this
Speaker 1: song Calls and I had a dream about it last night.
Speaker 1: Um it's it's called girls, and she goes, They're so
Speaker 1: pretty it hurts. I'm not talking about boys. I'm talking
Speaker 1: about girls. They're so pretty with their buttoned up shirts,
Speaker 1: and it's just all about like, I know I should
Speaker 1: be into this guy, but these feelings like she's talking about,
Speaker 1: like I'm supposed to like guys, but I like girls.
Speaker 1: I love these songs, and it's I think it's not
Speaker 1: because I'm like India girls or whatever. People keep writing
Speaker 1: me being like are you coming out? Because I made
Speaker 1: a post on Andrew's post that I said, you know,
Speaker 1: I appreciate him being a straight friend to a straight
Speaker 1: a straight man being a good friend to a straight
Speaker 1: and I put a question mark woman. I do believe
Speaker 1: I'm fluid and could be into girls. I don't think
Speaker 1: that I'm mostly gay or anything like that. But um,
Speaker 1: I don't know if you out there have any recommendations
Speaker 1: of any other lesbian rock I love or like indie rock.
Speaker 1: Melissa Etheridge, I fucking love her. She has the songle
Speaker 1: I Want to Be in Love where in the music
Speaker 1: video she is hitting on Jennifer Anderson and it's one
Speaker 1: of the hottest music videos ever. Um so check that out.
Speaker 1: Let's get to our Wednesday game, which is a wild card.
Speaker 1: We haven't played it for a while. It's time for
Speaker 1: finish my sentence. Finished my sentence is I was sounding
Speaker 1: like I was gonna say brought to you by but
Speaker 1: it is brought to you by Noah's brain today because
Speaker 1: she was like, we should do finish my sentence, and uh,
Speaker 1: Andrew and I will try to complete each other's sentences
Speaker 1: what we think we would say for each other, and
Speaker 1: then we will weigh in on how well we know
Speaker 1: each other. Alright, what is a sentence? Noah today has
Speaker 1: finished my sentence is the bad bad habit I wish
Speaker 1: I could let go of. Is all right? Who would
Speaker 1: like to go first? I'll go first as Andrew. Yes, Hi, guys,
Speaker 1: I'm Andrew. Yeah, what's up out there? What's up out there? Guys?
Speaker 1: What's up? Okay? Okay, okay, here we go, Here we go.
Speaker 1: So I'm pretty cool. The bad habit I would like
Speaker 1: to get rid of is putting on calling my mom
Speaker 1: h and and just like procrastinating on uh on on
Speaker 1: calling my mom. It's probably the bad habit that I
Speaker 1: would like to just have lifted. Did I just like
Speaker 1: figures or ears out for you? Yeah? That was yours too.
Speaker 1: I mean, honestly, it's my aunt Sally. But yes, I'm protecting.
Speaker 1: Why is my mom? Why is it hard? Because you know,
Speaker 1: my mom's sick and so and yeah, it's hard to hear.
Speaker 1: It's hard to be confronted with that, and yeah, it's
Speaker 1: it's tough. Also, she's silver for twelve years now or
Speaker 1: so and so, and you fall off the wagon and
Speaker 1: you're just why don't you just down a couple of
Speaker 1: white claws and give her callings? Maybe that would be
Speaker 1: the Curt Scholar. I drink too many I forgot uh
Speaker 1: I whye clawed that phone? What do you think about
Speaker 1: my prediction? What do you mean? Does it ring true
Speaker 1: for you? Or is there one that you definitely rings true?
Speaker 1: I mean no, it's so funny that it rings so
Speaker 1: true because I just had, you know, my birthday, my
Speaker 1: mom called me. I didn't call her back. You know,
Speaker 1: I was dealing with COVID and ship whatever. But and
Speaker 1: then she You know, the thing that parents do is
Speaker 1: maybe they won't call you for like five weeks, and
Speaker 1: then they'll call you two days in a row and go, well,
Speaker 1: why don't you call me back? It's like, well, this
Speaker 1: isn't like an ongoing thing, like what are we doing here?
Speaker 1: Like this is why I don't at times because now
Speaker 1: you're gonna make me feel bad because I didn't call
Speaker 1: back with it. And then I play that all up
Speaker 1: in my head and I'm like, oh, well now I'm
Speaker 1: holding Now I'm waiting. Too many times I've done that
Speaker 1: where you know what I found though, and maybe this
Speaker 1: is this isn't just advice to you, because I know
Speaker 1: you get it, but I've been such a person that
Speaker 1: forgets to write back emails, for doesn't return calls and
Speaker 1: then I wait too long and it gets to the
Speaker 1: point where if I do, I have to address the
Speaker 1: fact that I haven't, and so you just ghost that person.
Speaker 1: I really have found that saying to the person either
Speaker 1: in the email that you write back to, I have
Speaker 1: an email that I have to write today, actually to
Speaker 1: a fucking executive at HBO, who is someone that could
Speaker 1: give me a TV show. I haven't written back to
Speaker 1: her because it was just such a big deal. I mean,
Speaker 1: here's what I wrote to Bill Maher. I'll give you
Speaker 1: an example. So, Bill Maher, I'm not trying to brag,
Speaker 1: but this is just an example of like, why would't
Speaker 1: I rive it back to Bill fucking mar And the
Speaker 1: truth is because the ones you don't write back to
Speaker 1: are generally the ones that mean the most. It's not
Speaker 1: that they mean the least. It means they mean the most.
Speaker 1: And you can actually say that if it's true for you.
Speaker 1: So I wrote to him recently, hold on, let me
Speaker 1: just pull this up. Um. So he wrote me, and
Speaker 1: then I I didn't get back to him, uh for
Speaker 1: six days, which to me is a long time, especially
Speaker 1: with like I just with Bill like it was. It was.
Speaker 1: It was something worried if he wrote because no, well,
Speaker 1: we've had past interactions which haven't gone smoothly on email,
Speaker 1: but we are so past that. Like he's a good
Speaker 1: I feel I consider him like we signed off, like
Speaker 1: I love you, like I love Bill Maher, like he
Speaker 1: is someone a dear friend. At this point after our trip,
Speaker 1: I said, Bill, for whatever reason, I always put off
Speaker 1: writing you back because I still have you on a pedestal.
Speaker 1: Uh in parentheses, you're not coming down anytime soon. And
Speaker 1: then I just keep waiting until I feel like I
Speaker 1: have time to really make myself sound as cool and
Speaker 1: as smart as possible. Then it just gets to the
Speaker 1: point where it seems like I'm not writing back because
Speaker 1: I don't care, which honestly might be the coolest look possible.
Speaker 1: So I guess my system works. Kidding it's so lame
Speaker 1: of me. But just like, I would never take it
Speaker 1: personally if you want Oh, he had written me that
Speaker 1: he had to unfollow me because he had to wipe
Speaker 1: his Instagram clean, and he was like, hey, I unfollowed
Speaker 1: you don't think don't read into it, I said, but
Speaker 1: just like I would never take it personally, if you
Speaker 1: want followed me, I hope you don't take my lag
Speaker 1: in response as anything other than me being in my
Speaker 1: own head about being friends with someone who I idolize.
Speaker 1: I said. We can talk all about all of this
Speaker 1: and more on the podcast. I can't fucking wait to
Speaker 1: hang out with you again. Thanks for having me. Love you, Nikki,
Speaker 1: And it just I guess, just being honest about it,
Speaker 1: Like even you know my aunt Sally, who I dread
Speaker 1: every day. I'm gonna get a call that she's dead,
Speaker 1: and then I'll regret not talking to this cookie woman
Speaker 1: who talks very slow, which is hard for me to
Speaker 1: talk to someone who talks slow. But she has a
Speaker 1: fucking she said seizures that my her dog like this.
Speaker 1: But she's so funny and so cool, and I don't
Speaker 1: call her. She calls me all the time, and I
Speaker 1: always let me go to voicemail. I don't even have
Speaker 1: a voice bail anmore because she can't. She can't even
Speaker 1: read leave me a voice message, and I I think
Speaker 1: that the solution is to She never gives me shit
Speaker 1: about it ever, But I think it's just being honest
Speaker 1: and being like Sally, I love you so much, and
Speaker 1: I get sad talking to you because I feel like
Speaker 1: I should call you more and I want you to
Speaker 1: be happy, and it just just you know, just being
Speaker 1: honest about the overwhelming part of it. Does that is
Speaker 1: that something that you could do to your mom Andrew
Speaker 1: and just be like, I kind of get scared that
Speaker 1: you're gonna give me shit about not calling you, and
Speaker 1: that's maybe why I delay even more. And I'm really
Speaker 1: you know, yeah, And I've had that conversation before in
Speaker 1: the past, and I've been honest about that. I do
Speaker 1: think also there's something to like putting Bill Maher on
Speaker 1: a pedestal, or if I put like, you know, I
Speaker 1: got back to Jake Ohen like, but like, why am
Speaker 1: I not getting back to my own mother? It's like
Speaker 1: why are we putting these celebrities whatever? And I know
Speaker 1: they're head of like people that like really matter to you.
Speaker 1: And partly is because because you, yeah, okay, let's get
Speaker 1: to mind. We you we you do mind? I think you.
Speaker 1: I mean I could have the same one. So my yeah,
Speaker 1: the sentences, the bad habit wish I could let go
Speaker 1: of is you have to say I'm maybe Blazer, Hi,
Speaker 1: I'm Nikki, I'm the one that you know again throws
Speaker 1: a baseball and stuff. Whatever I'm having like dating. It's
Speaker 1: like I have like a key coming at me about
Speaker 1: like ballpark, village whatever. It's not a big deal. My
Speaker 1: name is going to be on top of a sign
Speaker 1: on top of a building I know one'll ever see anyhow,
Speaker 1: um no, my my biggest um. I would say, wait,
Speaker 1: what was the word? I'm sorry now I forgot the
Speaker 1: sentence I was going on that bad habit maybe would
Speaker 1: be maybe being a little two judgmental of uh, someone's
Speaker 1: significant other right when I meet them. Wait wait, oh oh,
Speaker 1: I see what you're saying. Oh right now, I'm not
Speaker 1: We're not talking about Brenna, by the way, I think
Speaker 1: people are anything I'm talking about. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: um no. I love that part of me, and I
Speaker 1: think I'm right. I'm not looking to get rid of
Speaker 1: that at all. Know, when my friends are in a
Speaker 1: bad relationship, no, within minutes, I give, I give you know.
Speaker 1: And this is also formulated from watching Instagram stories, you know,
Speaker 1: collecting data along the way. I for someone who's been
Speaker 1: in bad relationships faking it are just swearing, I would
Speaker 1: say that that is not something I'm looking to get
Speaker 1: rid of. Although I will say being judgmental in general. Yes,
Speaker 1: I think the bad habit I'm looking to get rid
Speaker 1: of would be um. Uh, what about assuming you know
Speaker 1: the whole story? Without knowing the whole story? I think
Speaker 1: that's um Again, I think that's the something I wouldn't
Speaker 1: want to get rid of it because because I do that,
Speaker 1: I'm just saying it's it makes me a good comedian
Speaker 1: because I can go I it's part of my A
Speaker 1: d D. I know the whole story, which I know.
Speaker 1: The thing is, I will say, I will admit when
Speaker 1: I'm wrong, so I don't have a problem being wrong
Speaker 1: and and going all the way. That skill that I
Speaker 1: have of taking things too far and seeing and like
Speaker 1: going so far that I like know the outcome years
Speaker 1: from now. You know me saying I don't want to
Speaker 1: get married because I don't want to get divorced and
Speaker 1: I don't want to go to Target to have to
Speaker 1: pick out a pencil skirt to wear to court, Like
Speaker 1: that's that's a joke that came from me taking things
Speaker 1: too far and going like, why are you already divorced?
Speaker 1: You don't want to get engaged because you don't want
Speaker 1: to go to pick out a pencil skirt to wear
Speaker 1: to court. That's funny. But so I will say that
Speaker 1: I there's something too that though, and I agree with you,
Speaker 1: which is um I want. I would like to be
Speaker 1: better about just leading with love, even and even when
Speaker 1: I am thinking that someone isn't right for my friend
Speaker 1: that they're dating, just leading with love and knowing that
Speaker 1: it's not about me. I would like to. I think
Speaker 1: so often I get into this thing of like how
Speaker 1: I'm feeling in a situation. Let's say my friends starts
Speaker 1: dating someone and they're not paying me enough attention or
Speaker 1: they're acting weird around me. I have to realize that
Speaker 1: they're not thinking of me. They're not thinking I'm being
Speaker 1: weird around Nikki. I am choosing they're just trying to
Speaker 1: survive in this weird ass relationship they're in, which I've
Speaker 1: I know, but I'm taking it personally like it's affective.
Speaker 1: Most of the time, when people are struggling in their
Speaker 1: own lives, everyone else is affected. But they can't handle
Speaker 1: these little, you know, peripheral issues, these little fires that
Speaker 1: you might be one of them. They're not thinking of
Speaker 1: you because they have a whole fucking smoldering thing to
Speaker 1: take care of their own life and they're struggling. They're
Speaker 1: just trying to keep their head above water, and they
Speaker 1: haven't even begun to address the problems of this relationship.
Speaker 1: So everything else is affected and they'll get to those
Speaker 1: things when they address this bigger thing. But it's not
Speaker 1: about you. And I think that my bad habit that
Speaker 1: I would let let go of is to be less
Speaker 1: selfish um, which I'm always trying to do. Even though
Speaker 1: Nikki Glazer Day is coming up and is a podcast
Speaker 1: and Welcome Home Nicki Glazers coming to E and my
Speaker 1: tour One Night with Nicki Glazer is now listen. I
Speaker 1: only put my name on everything because it is it's
Speaker 1: not about me being like you guys know, I don't
Speaker 1: really like myself. I have bad self esteem. I can't
Speaker 1: even watch myself. It's about me wanting to make more money.
Speaker 1: It's a branding thing, and I want to make more
Speaker 1: money so that I can do more good in the
Speaker 1: world and lend my money to friends. So it's not selfish.
Speaker 1: But I will say that in conversation, I can sometimes
Speaker 1: talk too much. On this podcast, I can talk too much,
Speaker 1: and I would like to be a better listener. Final
Speaker 1: thoughts though it's like like branding like that. You know,
Speaker 1: Tom Brady does it. Trump obviously does it, but it's
Speaker 1: like to do it. It's not, it's not it's not. No,
Speaker 1: I'm making good financial decisions for myself. What are you
Speaker 1: supposed to do if I put my name on And
Speaker 1: I didn't want to put my name on everything initially
Speaker 1: when I wasn't good enough. But it's it really is
Speaker 1: about me. If I put my name on things, more
Speaker 1: people know my name equals more opportunities, equals more money,
Speaker 1: equals I'm going to survive the apocalypse, and I'm going
Speaker 1: to be able to support my friends and family who
Speaker 1: don't make as much money. That's really how I look
Speaker 1: at it. Um, And I really look and I've said
Speaker 1: this before, but you know you watching the show Besties
Speaker 1: out there, which I just learned, there's still seven hundred
Speaker 1: million cable subscribers in the country. Maybe it's two hundred million.
Speaker 1: It's crazy. It's so many more than ye or yeah,
Speaker 1: and that many countries. Um. I read this article about
Speaker 1: the um why talk shows don't work on streaming services. UM,
Speaker 1: let me just look up this number. Uh, how many
Speaker 1: cable subscribers in the US. I didn't know the CEE.
Speaker 1: I thought no one had cable anymore. You know, we're
Speaker 1: cutting the cord. We're all going streaming. Uh, seventy million
Speaker 1: cable subscri ribers still in the US, I've yesterday I
Speaker 1: read it was like two million. I really did in
Speaker 1: this I think it's more like two million. If to
Speaker 1: compare that, Apple TV has like twelve million subscribers. So
Speaker 1: when you're in a streaming service and that's Apple TV
Speaker 1: compared to Netflix, I'm sure it's They don't release their numbers.
Speaker 1: But John Stewart Show got forty thou views the second week.
Speaker 1: The first week it got like seventy thousand, which is nothing,
Speaker 1: and the second week it got four like it so
Speaker 1: and YouTube views he gets like a million. But his
Speaker 1: Netflix just had the lowest streaming numbers in first quarter
Speaker 1: or something like that. Yeah, I mean they up their
Speaker 1: prices and their content. Um, you know, people have a
Speaker 1: problem with the content, Like it's just not quality content.
Speaker 1: I think it's better than ever. I'm loving the Ultimatum
Speaker 1: and Love Is Blind was amazing, and also there's that
Speaker 1: Jimmy Saville documentary. I've been like consuming so much, but um,
Speaker 1: I want to just say that people watching Welcome Home
Speaker 1: Nickie's a question mark on May one. I'm probably gonna
Speaker 1: be on fallon May second, too, so look out for
Speaker 1: that is about me, Like I just want people to
Speaker 1: watch so I can make another season and hang out
Speaker 1: with Andrew and my boyfriend and my family. That really
Speaker 1: is not like a money like people are like, please
Speaker 1: watch this thing. It's always about money. I swear to God,
Speaker 1: I just want to make shows. I just want to
Speaker 1: hang out with my family. So that's really what you'd
Speaker 1: be supporting are for, Like the yeah, you know, I
Speaker 1: think about the show and I'm like, you know, I
Speaker 1: see like, uh, what's that show like the the Asian
Speaker 1: Show where it's like bling and everything is so flashy
Speaker 1: on TV, and I kind of like that our show,
Speaker 1: you know it just yes, we do. We go on
Speaker 1: our gigs and it does seem like kind of cool
Speaker 1: when we're like, you know, performing, and there is that
Speaker 1: like aspect of it. But other than that, it really
Speaker 1: is like just such a relatable like we're just regular people.
Speaker 1: We're not trying too hard to look you know, like
Speaker 1: we're just like I know that. Sometimes I'm like worried
Speaker 1: that people are gonna watch because we're not like, you know,
Speaker 1: throwing each other down the second that's going to bring
Speaker 1: something to it. Um, you're right, Like I had those
Speaker 1: same worried too, because like reality shows are great because
Speaker 1: of drinking. I mean, I'm watching The Ultimatum and it's
Speaker 1: like all the ships happening because these people are getting
Speaker 1: loaded and doing stuff that they regret. I mean, so
Speaker 1: many reality shows, the best moments flipping tables, throwing wine,
Speaker 1: it's all centered around drinking, summer house, these fights. Without drinking,
Speaker 1: it wouldn't happen. And so there's not a lot of
Speaker 1: like there's just a lot of For me, you know,
Speaker 1: there was a lot of like painful things that I
Speaker 1: had to experience and like tough stuff I had to
Speaker 1: go through during this reality show, um, in terms of
Speaker 1: therapy and talking to my parents about stuff. So there's that,
Speaker 1: but there's not a lot of drama. It's just I think,
Speaker 1: I think though, you know, there's a lot a heart
Speaker 1: in it. And I really do feel that way. Like
Speaker 1: I'm just thinking about like when we're on the dock
Speaker 1: and we're all talking, there's just a lot of family
Speaker 1: and like and I don't know, and I think people
Speaker 1: are going to get stuff out of that, and I
Speaker 1: would hope to think that that is still you know,
Speaker 1: the Andy Griffiths Show was kind of that, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, like like I think like people where
Speaker 1: where it's like not yeah yeah, okay, that's whistling, that
Speaker 1: was something. Um yeah, I think like I think that
Speaker 1: that can still be needed and hopefully it's you don't
Speaker 1: need to fucking have a flashy bullshit to get to
Speaker 1: people still, and I yes, but also the flashy bullshit
Speaker 1: is so much about we still. The show still moves fast,
Speaker 1: you know. It definitely is you know, just us down
Speaker 1: by the creek, like just like you know, yeah, the
Speaker 1: show is manic almost in terms of how it's TikTok
Speaker 1: like levels of fast. Each scene is like thirty seconds long.
Speaker 1: So it's like and the first premiere, you guys are
Speaker 1: gonna love it so much, especially besties are just I
Speaker 1: don't even worry about them liking it. Everyone's gonna like
Speaker 1: this show because you can't. It's just funny people doing
Speaker 1: funny stuff. And I'm the least funny of everyone, I
Speaker 1: swear to God, and um and there's like no one's arguing.
Speaker 1: But I was so I was so like, got to
Speaker 1: be in the background and just let everyone around me
Speaker 1: be funny. It was so nice, and it just really
Speaker 1: feels like I can just be proud not of my
Speaker 1: performance as much as like knowing that this was a
Speaker 1: good idea and casting this because in casting meaning just
Speaker 1: like oh putting you know these people in my life.
Speaker 1: Noah's gonna be on it. They filmed us doing our
Speaker 1: live podcast. You guys are gonna recognize everyone in this.
Speaker 1: You're gonna know all the stories because we were living
Speaker 1: this life while we were doing the podcast, and the
Speaker 1: podcast is gonna be all over it. So besties, I
Speaker 1: really need your support getting the word out and getting
Speaker 1: people on board. The first week, they're going to play
Speaker 1: the funk out of this all the time. On every
Speaker 1: single night, they're doing a marathon of the first two
Speaker 1: episodes back to back, so people just get which is
Speaker 1: the second. I'm wanna be surprised. I want to watch
Speaker 1: it on the night of UM but I want to.
Speaker 1: I would love for best to get together and do
Speaker 1: like a viewing party or just like get your friends involved,
Speaker 1: because I want this is the new Kardashian spot and
Speaker 1: it could be the new Kardashians for you to like,
Speaker 1: comment on and like, you know, just it's not going
Speaker 1: to be the same as Kardashians obviously, but it's it's
Speaker 1: just an extra layer of behind the scenes of my
Speaker 1: life that I think is not necessarily the most interesting life,
Speaker 1: but it is just an honest one. And I hope
Speaker 1: that you guys all like it and I like that,
Speaker 1: you know. Oh thanks man tagline. That's good. Thanks. All right,
Speaker 1: well we gotta go. Thank you now. Okay, Okay, guys, yeah,
Speaker 1: I got into a shirt. Uh, let's go. We'll be
Speaker 1: back here tomorrow. Don't worry about that. Next week. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be in New York. Come see us this week
Speaker 1: in New Orleans. Uh. Fort lauder Jacksonville, Nashville Sunday, Nashville Sunday,
Speaker 1: Nashville Sunday. You guys, really, I want to sell the
Speaker 1: Riemann out. So and also, if you go alone and
Speaker 1: you write me going alone all in caps on my
Speaker 1: Instagram and give me your full name and what show
Speaker 1: you're going to, I will grant you a bump up
Speaker 1: to a free meet and great ticket, which is usually
Speaker 1: you know, fifty or so dollars more. I'll give you
Speaker 1: that for free. I love you guys so much. Don't
Speaker 1: be kill and what going? Oh Jacob Jack you