Speaker 1: I leave in on you wanta way back home?
Speaker 2: Either way, we want to be there.
Speaker 3: Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us
Speaker 3: time and a terminol and gay. We want to send
Speaker 3: you off inside.
Speaker 2: We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.
Speaker 4: We scared her?
Speaker 2: Was it fine?
Speaker 1: Now?
Speaker 2: Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 4: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 3: Do your need ride?
Speaker 1: Right with Karen and Chris?
Speaker 5: Welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks,
Speaker 5: This is Karen. I wish I could go by Christopher Fairbanks.
Speaker 5: Did you know that you wish that?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I think it's more.
Speaker 5: Official and friendlier and more interesting than Chris.
Speaker 2: Why don't you go for it?
Speaker 5: Well, right when I got to Los Angeles, I was
Speaker 5: doing Comedy Death Ray at MBAR, not to drop legitimate
Speaker 5: shows that don't exist anymore than I used.
Speaker 1: To do, but I was on the bill.
Speaker 5: Yeah, and a guy named that's so dupe, a guy
Speaker 5: named Christopher Fairbanks was in the audience, and we've since
Speaker 5: kind of become friends. He's a commercial actor and had
Speaker 5: done stuff on Comedy Central, and he's not a stand up.
Speaker 1: But he's an actor. Uh huh, that's done a lot
Speaker 1: of comedy stuff and that hell house thing that yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: What does he look like? He's tall, he's probably now
Speaker 1: mid fifties. Uh tall, bald, be.
Speaker 4: Like, he's probably now five nine.
Speaker 5: He's he was tall at the time. He has since
Speaker 5: shrunk to do these final libifita. No, he's uh, he's
Speaker 5: very healthy in the spine. And he's a taller than
Speaker 5: me man. Not that I have animosity being a short person,
Speaker 5: but at least he said we might have a problem
Speaker 5: because of IMDb, and I'm like, what's that, you know
Speaker 5: as new to the city, and uh, we haven't had
Speaker 5: any problems. But the agreement was he could be Christopher,
Speaker 5: as he already was going by Christopher right, and I
Speaker 5: was pretty much going by Chris at the time.
Speaker 1: So it's like, well, there's Do you.
Speaker 2: Think he showed up at that show to make that
Speaker 2: agreement with you?
Speaker 5: Yes, he was very concerned about it, and I thought, oh, oh,
Speaker 5: this guy might be weird, but he is not at
Speaker 5: all weird.
Speaker 1: He's a sweet guy and seems weird to me.
Speaker 5: We always see each other at the old commercial audition places. Oh, okay,
Speaker 5: and he says hey me, and I say hello, I me.
Speaker 2: Also, every time.
Speaker 1: You have to do the too well, no, I think
Speaker 1: maybe we did once.
Speaker 5: It's like looking in a mirror. And then we did
Speaker 5: that hand exercise. Sure right fa for like a good
Speaker 5: twenty minutes we did that, and.
Speaker 2: Everyone else in the in the waiting area got real
Speaker 2: intimidated and went home because they're like, we can't compete
Speaker 2: with this level of comedy.
Speaker 5: Yeah, They're like, I don't do any preparatory work. These
Speaker 5: guys must be classically trained.
Speaker 2: This is incredible, the level of improv the amount of
Speaker 2: yes and that's going on between these two.
Speaker 5: You really will let yes and another actor if they
Speaker 5: have the same name as you.
Speaker 2: I bet you want to. It's like it's like saying
Speaker 2: yes to yourself.
Speaker 5: For a long time, I wanted to do a reality
Speaker 5: show called the Chris Fairbanks Show, where was he and
Speaker 5: I living in a house kind of auditioning and going
Speaker 5: for things.
Speaker 1: Or we would set up auditions for me. He'd probably
Speaker 1: get them already, yep. And there's a fireman that was
Speaker 1: kind of a hero during nine to eleven. His name's
Speaker 1: Chris Fairbanks. There's also a bodybuilder who's very, very big
Speaker 1: really and the competitive bodybuilding circuit.
Speaker 5: He's his name's Chris Fairbanks. Oh and I thought there's
Speaker 5: even a hockey player. Yeah, there's just different Chris Fairbanks.
Speaker 5: It's living in a house. That's all we have in common.
Speaker 1: I like that idea a lot, and it's the Chris
Speaker 1: Fairbanks Show.
Speaker 2: It's that's great. Yeah, this is the official copyright of
Speaker 2: that idea. If you try to steal this idea or
Speaker 2: anything like it anything similar, your name blank show right
Speaker 2: with your name people in.
Speaker 4: House, right, we will come after you hard.
Speaker 1: We will sue you.
Speaker 4: Everyone in my family is a.
Speaker 5: Litigator, and it is time stamped on this SoundCloud file and.
Speaker 2: All throughout the internet, which is the new post Office,
Speaker 2: which is the new which is the old copyrights exactly.
Speaker 5: This podcast is pretty much like the pages and pages
Speaker 5: of a signed document.
Speaker 1: So don't try and fuck with me.
Speaker 4: I'm also a notary.
Speaker 1: You're still no paralegal nor notary, right yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh it's my passion, So please don't step to
Speaker 2: any of that kind of any of that kind of
Speaker 2: paperwork that I'm willing to do with my stamp.
Speaker 1: Do you still, yeah, do you just go around your
Speaker 1: paper raising raised up stamp.
Speaker 2: I love to go around to schools and to hospitals
Speaker 2: with my paper raising stamp and just notarize things pro bonos.
Speaker 2: What'll we call it on the business, Yes, just to
Speaker 2: raise the spirits of citizens, good citizens, not bad ones.
Speaker 5: Well, usually the bad ones aren't worried about any proofing.
Speaker 1: They're not doing any paperwork.
Speaker 4: No, that's right, they show it.
Speaker 1: The only stamp they get is parole denied.
Speaker 2: Yeah, hopefully.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's funny.
Speaker 5: I needed a notary once for when I was a
Speaker 5: young adult and I was trying to find one. My
Speaker 5: mom was helping me find one, and then all of
Speaker 5: a sudden she goes, oh wait, yeah, I forgot I'm
Speaker 5: a notary. So I had to ride my bike to
Speaker 5: her work and she snamped it. It was just a
Speaker 5: couple of days.
Speaker 1: There where it wasn't we weren't we had forgotten that
Speaker 1: she a.
Speaker 2: Little bit of a comic genius.
Speaker 5: Yeah, she has to be. There's no way that was
Speaker 5: an accident. There's no way.
Speaker 1: The time I went to school with a bag lunch.
Speaker 5: And Ate took a bite of a cat food sandwich
Speaker 5: that that wasn't a joke because she led it was
Speaker 5: a slow burn. I came home, I saw the cat
Speaker 5: was eating deviled ham for human conception, and I'm like, Mom,
Speaker 5: here's so funny, and She's like, what I didn't I
Speaker 5: had no idea I was feeding the cat at the
Speaker 5: same time.
Speaker 1: I think she was actually yelling at this point. So, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's comic.
Speaker 5: You know, people thought Andy Kaufman was serious when he
Speaker 5: was wrestling women.
Speaker 1: You know that was all big joke. Yeah, you just
Speaker 1: committed sheep, sheep. She committed to a joke.
Speaker 2: She was like one of the original branksters.
Speaker 1: I hope that this whole Alzheimer's thing has been one.
Speaker 2: Big, long joke.
Speaker 1: I went there, I went, hey, gotcha ten years of comedy. Fuck, well,
Speaker 1: I'm open. I'm ready to talk about stuff.
Speaker 5: I'm sorry, Karen, if I just I just open that
Speaker 5: can of worms.
Speaker 2: No, remember that's that's actually a recurring dream I have
Speaker 2: where in the dream my mom everyone else in the
Speaker 2: family's acting the same about my mom, but my mom
Speaker 2: is clearly not sick in any way, and I keep
Speaker 2: going like looking at her and being like wait what,
Speaker 2: and like wanting to say something but not wanting to
Speaker 2: upset anybody. In the dream where I'm like, well, if
Speaker 2: you're talking to me like this, then clearly you're not
Speaker 2: that sick. Right, And then she'll go and like get
Speaker 2: in a car and drive away or whatever. I'll be like,
Speaker 2: you know what, I don't think that she brings.
Speaker 1: Right, And she's still driving. Did anyone just here her
Speaker 1: drive away?
Speaker 2: She drove away in a convertible, which we don't own.
Speaker 2: She's also stealing cars.
Speaker 1: She had someone from the DMV crete tend to take
Speaker 1: her license away eight years ago. She's still driving.
Speaker 4: Mom, you are hilarious.
Speaker 1: You are Our moms are hilarious.
Speaker 4: I have to say, what.
Speaker 1: Am I chopped pepperoni? As there's no girls at your party? Chris? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know, Sorry, what am I chopped pepperoni? Right? Right?
Speaker 1: She came in the room with a pizza, holding a
Speaker 1: pizza with pepperoni on real hilarious.
Speaker 2: That's perfect timing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that is very funny. My family in good timing.
Speaker 4: Uh.
Speaker 2: I was just gonna say that this. My sister and
Speaker 2: I were just talking because I just got home today
Speaker 2: from the Thanksgiving week. Right, I was off for a
Speaker 2: week and went up to Petaluma, where I'm from, and uh,
Speaker 2: my sister and I were talking about how this is
Speaker 2: the first holiday in ten years that wasn't either fraught
Speaker 2: with tension and stress about my mom acting weird or
Speaker 2: being unhappy or deep sadness because my mom wasn't home right.
Speaker 2: This was the first holiday where it just felt.
Speaker 1: Like almost regular, were you there last year?
Speaker 2: I was not.
Speaker 4: I stayed down here last year.
Speaker 1: I got to work, So there's a little gap.
Speaker 2: There was a gap. And then the year before was
Speaker 2: one of the first Thanksgivings where she was out of.
Speaker 1: The house right, basically gone, So that was on everyone's mind.
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly. It was just there was so much tension
Speaker 2: for years and years and years in some way, and
Speaker 2: this was the first year where it was like it
Speaker 2: was small. It was at my dad's house. My Aunt
Speaker 2: Mary was there. Who's the nun who's hilarious and the best?
Speaker 1: Do you have a hilarious nun aunt?
Speaker 2: My Aunt Mary is a nun and she is the
Speaker 2: best person on the planet. She is the most open minded,
Speaker 2: care free, positive person.
Speaker 1: She is.
Speaker 2: She breaks all the molds of what you think a
Speaker 2: nun is like. She is hilariously funny, she's everybody's number
Speaker 2: one fan, like, she's just so positive and she they
Speaker 2: have a convent that's down here in Pasadena that's very fancy,
Speaker 2: and so the Sisters of Mercy they let it out
Speaker 2: to nuns to come and stay to do retreats and stuff.
Speaker 2: But it's like in the middle of a golf course.
Speaker 2: It's really fancy.
Speaker 1: I've actually done that.
Speaker 4: And so she's like, well, I want to.
Speaker 2: I want to use it because like no one uses
Speaker 2: it and if you don't use it, they'll end up
Speaker 2: selling it.
Speaker 4: So she's like, I want to do a retreat.
Speaker 2: And I said, if you come down and do a
Speaker 2: retreat in Pasadena, I will get a bunch of my
Speaker 2: friends and we'll do a comedy show for you. And
Speaker 2: she was like, I wouldn't love that, And I said,
Speaker 2: we won't swear, talk about sex or do thing dirty,
Speaker 2: and just well, I like swearing, Like she just wants.
Speaker 2: She's just a fan of life and it makes me
Speaker 2: so happy, and like being around her reminds me of
Speaker 2: what we're supposed to be doing and how we're supposed
Speaker 2: to be thinking.
Speaker 4: You know what I mean.
Speaker 2: She's just like she talk about anything she loves, you know,
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 4: Know, She's just great.
Speaker 1: I want to do that show if it happens.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, you'll be, but you got to watch the cursing,
Speaker 2: even though she doesn't mind it.
Speaker 5: I did a private calling in.
Speaker 1: Somewhere up in New York, somewhere. I think it was
Speaker 1: called Wells College.
Speaker 5: It was a Catholic private school with only a few
Speaker 5: thousand students. And I really don't remember, but I do
Speaker 5: remember being in a bar which was on campus, which
Speaker 5: that threw me off because everyone was so young. It
Speaker 5: seemed like they shouldn't be in a bar. Yeah, and
Speaker 5: they couldn't drink a lot of them. But it was
Speaker 5: a bar. There was whiskey, sure, and it was on campus.
Speaker 2: It was so Catholic school, you say right now, yes, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: and that bar.
Speaker 5: Was for the priests sitting ye must have been, yeah,
Speaker 5: or for faculty I d but it was a full
Speaker 5: Irish pub themed bar. Yes, And there was a nun
Speaker 5: sitting right up front during my show, and I had
Speaker 5: I was like, oh, ma'am, I don't have a lot
Speaker 5: of alternate material to cater to your uh the life
Speaker 5: you've we've chosen different lives, yes, And she's like, I
Speaker 5: won't bother me, and she said that, but I know
Speaker 5: that it did bother her, but then she felt obligated
Speaker 5: to sit through my whole show. It was not one
Speaker 5: of my favorite shows. Well, god, no, Christ.
Speaker 2: Christ on the Cross, Now, you'd be so self conscious.
Speaker 1: I really was. Yeah, but she did laugh at the
Speaker 1: exact I was. I knew which jokes she would like. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Well, also, don't you think our sensibilities get a little
Speaker 2: bit tainted from being around other comics so much that
Speaker 2: we don't really know what a normal line is anymore?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: You know? None?
Speaker 4: None wise?
Speaker 5: That's yeah, That's why I think it's important to go
Speaker 5: to these shitty comedy clubs on the road like I'm
Speaker 5: about to do, because then you're reminded like, oh, this
Speaker 5: is what the normals like. Yes, And I think it's
Speaker 5: important to keep my finger on that poll. I've always
Speaker 5: thought it was important, Yeah.
Speaker 2: Because those are the people you're trying to do comedy
Speaker 2: for anyway, you know.
Speaker 5: And it's I guess that that's what I'm trying to do.
Speaker 5: I don't know what I'm doing with this, but that's
Speaker 5: neither here nor there. I don't think I miss you
Speaker 5: as that phrase.
Speaker 2: But no, but you're not just doing that because you
Speaker 2: and April your show on Tree TV just got picked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, congratulations,
Speaker 2: that's guys. I know we've been away for a while.
Speaker 2: There's at least one person on Twitter that gets real mad,
Speaker 2: which makes me laugh because her I assume it's a girl.
Speaker 2: Her avatar is Marsha Brady crying, which makes me laugh
Speaker 2: every time she's like, no Dina this week, but then
Speaker 2: the like a little angry Marsha Brady goes along with it.
Speaker 1: It makes me laugh. That's for who's that? I don't
Speaker 1: know that. I guess it's hard.
Speaker 2: I can't remember the actual name. I think it's a
Speaker 2: girl who's in Germany or somewhere overseas well.
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening.
Speaker 2: Thank you for listening. We love you, and we love
Speaker 2: the fact that it makes you mad that we don't.
Speaker 1: I take a break the weird couple of weeks and Chris.
Speaker 2: Had a serious loss, and then he also had a
Speaker 2: serious beginning of this job that where he's gonna have
Speaker 2: a TV show on True TV. You're gonna be able
Speaker 2: to watch yeah every week, right.
Speaker 1: I think so?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Starting December twenty ninth, come.
Speaker 2: On you, guys, I was about to go to second
Speaker 2: second level platform.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm very excited and I'm I'm I'm invested in it.
Speaker 1: I'm wanting it to be a good show.
Speaker 5: And I've seen rough cuts of the first episode, and
Speaker 5: I could tell which things I'd reached out after my
Speaker 5: friend passed away, because I do have a weird vacancy
Speaker 5: in my eyes.
Speaker 1: It's impossible to not think about something. I had not
Speaker 1: had someone like that go away.
Speaker 5: So I watched it, and I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 5: I'm like a crazy vacant person, like acting but still
Speaker 5: being funny, but I think but in a different I
Speaker 5: don't know. I watched it and I'm like, well, I
Speaker 5: look weird. I look as weird as I feel.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I remember you saying something to me about
Speaker 2: that you'd been having bad such lately because your friend
Speaker 2: had died, And I was like, why the fuck are
Speaker 2: you doing stand up comedy?
Speaker 4: Like, don't do anything in the past.
Speaker 5: It in the past when a breakup or something bad
Speaker 5: had happened, it seemed like I needed stand up and
Speaker 5: I had good shows when something bad was happening.
Speaker 1: It didn't happen that way this time.
Speaker 4: Yeah, because it's more profound.
Speaker 1: I was angry.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I was like angry, So I was yet really
Speaker 5: just taking it out on people and also happened.
Speaker 1: It happened to have a.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I had a series of shows with bad audiences
Speaker 5: of actor kids heckling and being on Molly oh no yeah,
Speaker 5: this kid and a man bun.
Speaker 1: I basically just yelled, how is my friend dad? And
Speaker 1: you're alive?
Speaker 2: Oh no?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 5: It was at the improv. Hopefully it doesn't. They had
Speaker 5: me working.
Speaker 1: There nights later and I did. Yeah.
Speaker 5: I did, however, attack that audience as well, and I
Speaker 5: think they deserved it less. But I'm okay now I'm
Speaker 5: feeling better. I'm trying to control my surreal anger, as
Speaker 5: Brandon Maush calls it, and I you know, it's always
Speaker 5: on the surface.
Speaker 1: I always get upset, but I'm.
Speaker 5: Trying to curb it because we are only here for
Speaker 5: a little while.
Speaker 2: True, well, and I mean it makes sense that you
Speaker 2: would have a big emotional reaction. Listen, anger. I relate
Speaker 2: to your when you tell me about your anger stuff
Speaker 2: because I have all the same things, and it's the
Speaker 2: easiest emotion to deal with. It's very clean cut, It'll
Speaker 2: come out by itself. You don't have to do a
Speaker 2: lot of like.
Speaker 4: You know what I mean. Anger is easy. You can
Speaker 4: just barf it out.
Speaker 1: It gets a response to yeah.
Speaker 2: And it keeps people away, and it's a very effective tool.
Speaker 2: It is.
Speaker 4: There's a reason that some people are very angry.
Speaker 1: I'd sometimes like to be alone, and boy that that
Speaker 1: helps a lot.
Speaker 2: It's so true.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but oh.
Speaker 1: We're at a dead end. I'll just take a left.
Speaker 2: Okay here. This billboard for sedated dentistry makes me crazy,
Speaker 2: because if if I could have sedated dentistry, I would
Speaker 2: have a total sleep dentistry.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah.
Speaker 2: I hate going to dentist more than anything, mostly more
Speaker 2: than almost everything. And every time I've gone to a
Speaker 2: dentist where I'm like, I have extreme anxiety. I had
Speaker 2: a very bad experience. They never give me anything. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I feel like this is false.
Speaker 1: I need to be sedated. Dot com the dot it's
Speaker 1: not a dot, it's a tooth. And that tooth is snoring.
Speaker 1: It's a tooth with these coming out of it.
Speaker 4: Oh, the sleeping tooth.
Speaker 2: If only if only.
Speaker 5: I Yeah, I had a deep cleaning a couple of
Speaker 5: weeks ago, and I didn't know that I was basically
Speaker 5: going in for anytime. They're putting a needle in you
Speaker 5: several times that to me is a surgery. Yes, there's blood.
Speaker 5: There was a needle pain, yea it No, that was
Speaker 5: pretty impressive. How well the numbing medicine works. I mean
Speaker 5: it was yeah, And afterwards I felt like I was
Speaker 5: wearing dentures. My teeth were so clean. I would, uh,
Speaker 5: you know, suggest it to anyone to get a deep cleaning.
Speaker 1: And afterwards I wasn't even sorry.
Speaker 5: I am directing this exactly at you.
Speaker 2: You'd be the one person who knows the extent of
Speaker 2: my bad breath.
Speaker 1: They get you a long time. You don't have bad breath.
Speaker 1: You uh, you would love it, though, they and they
Speaker 1: really get in there and you know where you can't
Speaker 1: go within your gums.
Speaker 2: Well, I mean I have.
Speaker 1: Have you had that deep cleaning though?
Speaker 2: Yes? Because I have bad my seizure medicine is bad
Speaker 2: for my gum, so I have to have deep cleanings.
Speaker 2: And it's it's crazy.
Speaker 5: Awful and uh yeah it but it meant it was
Speaker 5: worth it. It was worth it. Very expensive. I didn't
Speaker 5: know that it would cost eight hundred.
Speaker 1: Dollars, but that's fine. Teeth are important.
Speaker 4: Hey, you need him. They're the only ones you got.
Speaker 2: Is My dad used to love to yell at us
Speaker 2: as we brush our teeth at night.
Speaker 5: Sometimes when I see someone and they have not given
Speaker 5: a shit about especially when it's just one or two teeth,
Speaker 5: and it seemed to take care of one or two others.
Speaker 1: Or maybe they just all go at different rates. I
Speaker 1: don't know.
Speaker 5: But every once in a while someone will have a
Speaker 5: brown one and I'm like, what are you doing?
Speaker 1: Pay that eight hundred bucks? I when I but that
Speaker 1: would be rude evil.
Speaker 2: They probably don't have it, or they don't have insurance,
Speaker 2: or or they're scared like me.
Speaker 1: A lot of times, it's like, it's like people that
Speaker 1: I know do with teeth. It's like or money. Like
Speaker 1: el Ron Hubbard, a friend of mine.
Speaker 2: He's not your real friend.
Speaker 5: He invented a I can't remember what it's called him,
Speaker 5: some kind of religion piece.
Speaker 1: He's the old neighbor. His teeth looks like pepper corns.
Speaker 4: It looks like had one and a black one.
Speaker 1: It's like NBC Love of Teeth.
Speaker 2: Well, he deserve those teeth though, because he was a swindler.
Speaker 1: He really well, I didn't really know him, of course.
Speaker 2: I listened to a podcast today about Charles Manson. Charles
Speaker 2: Manson was into scientology, which I think is.
Speaker 1: Who Yeah, we're yeah, we're going up into some hills.
Speaker 2: We're going up to where a lot of people who've
Speaker 2: maybe been on castle for five years, We're going up
Speaker 2: into their neighborhood.
Speaker 1: Although Christmas lights, Yeah, ooh, that's a director of burn.
Speaker 2: Notice are you listening? Uh?
Speaker 4: Can I just tell you?
Speaker 2: This is my favorite fact that I learned at Thanksgiving.
Speaker 2: My dad and my aunt Mary. So my dad and
Speaker 2: my aunt Mary, my uncle Rich was the other family member,
Speaker 2: and my cousin Pete, who are father and son, so
Speaker 2: the three of them all grew up together. Obviously my
Speaker 2: dad and my aunt Mary because they're brother and sister.
Speaker 2: But my uncle Rich was my dad's friend growing up
Speaker 2: who ended up marrying his sister, my aunt Kathleen, who
Speaker 2: own away just as great as my aunt Mary, just
Speaker 2: the mom version as opposed to en right anyway, wonderful people.
Speaker 2: I feel lucky to be related to them. So they
Speaker 2: all started telling stories about the people in their neighborhood,
Speaker 2: and like they were all they were kind of doing
Speaker 2: it for us, but mostly they were going remember this,
Speaker 2: remember that, remember this, And it was really fun to
Speaker 2: listen to. One of my favorite is they had an
Speaker 2: uncle named Tommy Byrne, and he was super intense and
Speaker 2: they were taught. They were just kind of talking about
Speaker 2: his whole life because all of their relatives, my grandmother
Speaker 2: and my grandfather both came over here on the boat
Speaker 2: from Ireland when they were like in their early teens
Speaker 2: and okay, yeah, and so my Tommy Byrne married my
Speaker 2: grandma's sister, so he would have been my great uncle.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: And he they said he was a super intense man
Speaker 2: who drank fifty two of coffee a day. When my
Speaker 2: aunt Mary said that, I could not stop laughing. And
Speaker 2: then I was like, it was as if they told
Speaker 2: me he built the Golden Gay Bridge. The level of
Speaker 2: pride that I felt to have a relative who used
Speaker 2: to drink fifty two cups of coffee a day.
Speaker 1: They weren't exactly, no, because it's fifty two, not.
Speaker 4: Fifty fifty two. I think it was.
Speaker 2: I was trying to do the math of like was
Speaker 2: that the did they have like a twelve cup pot?
Speaker 2: I was trying to do the math of it. But
Speaker 2: it was fifty two and it is a very specific number.
Speaker 2: Obviously a nun not prone to lion. Yeah, fifty two
Speaker 2: cups of coffee and four packs of cigarettes a day.
Speaker 1: Oh wow.
Speaker 2: But then he died in News fifty two. So I'm
Speaker 2: not recommending, but I sure do love it. It's so badass.
Speaker 1: Yeah it really. That is amazing to me.
Speaker 5: And I could see if I wasn't paranoid like I am,
Speaker 5: I could see doing that because I do like my coffee.
Speaker 4: Oh, I will drink.
Speaker 2: I mean, I've been known to drink a couple pots
Speaker 2: of coffee, and I've always felt guilty and weird and
Speaker 2: bad about.
Speaker 1: It, especially at work.
Speaker 5: When I was working on Jamie Lee's show for that time,
Speaker 5: there was coffee right there. It's like, why not I
Speaker 5: could stand up in that weed dispensary?
Speaker 1: Oh how to go? Oh?
Speaker 5: Everyone was high? Yeah, I know, it was fun. I
Speaker 5: I if it's there, I will do it. And i'd
Speaker 5: made the mistake the other I don't know if it's
Speaker 5: a mistake. But I bought a coffee maker just the
Speaker 5: other day, So here we go again.
Speaker 1: I mean acidic colon blow.
Speaker 4: Acidic city.
Speaker 2: Well. Also my thing is if I drink coffee in
Speaker 2: my weird girly diet mind, I'm like, well that's good.
Speaker 4: Then I won't beat that much.
Speaker 1: No, but it's true.
Speaker 5: I've gotten drink a bunch of coffee and I'm like,
Speaker 5: my appetite is suppressed, and it's a diuretic.
Speaker 2: It's all the things that you want as a skirring ballerina.
Speaker 4: But then I always forget that.
Speaker 1: So by the time I like my coffee, black swan,
Speaker 1: come on, I don't know which way is up anymore.
Speaker 1: I think you do, baby.
Speaker 2: But the thing I was gonna say is then it
Speaker 2: I do a thing where I'm like feeling great and
Speaker 2: then I fall straight off an emotional ledge where I
Speaker 2: just start shaking, right, I mean like, oh, that looks
Speaker 2: like Beethoven.
Speaker 5: Oh wow, move over Beethoven. Look how big it's. Oh man,
Speaker 5: he should have a cedar barrel around his barrel.
Speaker 2: I mean a full on Saint Bernard just cross the
Speaker 2: street in front of us, and you don't see that.
Speaker 1: That's a beautiful dog hei hi uh.
Speaker 2: But yeah, anyway, just it's a it's almost like you
Speaker 2: have to ingest much more. But there's a real cocaine
Speaker 2: parallel in my opinion, because once I fall off and
Speaker 2: then I'm like shaking, and by the time it gets
Speaker 2: to lunch, I kind of want to cry a little
Speaker 2: bit and I can't breathe.
Speaker 4: Even, you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it used to like get me so not jittery.
Speaker 5: But just what coffee is supposed to do make you
Speaker 5: alert and motivated and like, hey, I'm ready to start
Speaker 5: my day. It doesn't do that. I can have four
Speaker 5: cups of coffee and take a nap. Yeah, but I do.
Speaker 5: Suddenly there's this thing where I might pick up a
Speaker 5: rifle and go to a clock tower. All of a sudden,
Speaker 5: it's just straight to I'm I'm frenetic, like what am
Speaker 5: I doing with my life?
Speaker 1: Craziness?
Speaker 5: So I've leaned myself off coffee, but not now. My
Speaker 5: little pot only makes five cups, so I purposefully.
Speaker 2: So you just need to make ten pots. Yeah, and
Speaker 2: you're right on Tommy burn level.
Speaker 5: I'm gonna I'm gonna make sure I only do one
Speaker 5: little pot a day.
Speaker 2: Okay, Yeah, I mean I have to say, I just like,
Speaker 2: I definitely love the ritual. I love going to Starbucks.
Speaker 2: For any reason, I love it. I don't know that
Speaker 2: it makes me feel like I have this very specific
Speaker 2: portion of my identity that I've figured out. I know,
Speaker 2: black coffee. What am I a sniper in World War Two.
Speaker 2: Maybe you don't fucking know me.
Speaker 1: One of my George W. Bush. He was famous for
Speaker 1: drinking black coffee.
Speaker 2: Is that true?
Speaker 1: That's what I heard.
Speaker 2: He was a cheerleader. You know, we usually don't have
Speaker 2: that kind in our black coffee club.
Speaker 5: That's the one thing he did that. I actually was
Speaker 5: enamored of the human pyramid. Yeah, you're so good at it.
Speaker 1: He'd just crawl up there on those people like a
Speaker 1: little squirrel, get up top, proud crowd of Baylor Bears
Speaker 1: or whoever.
Speaker 2: I don't think.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 4: Oh, was he really on the top.
Speaker 1: I think he was. Yeah, he was a little wiry,
Speaker 1: spry little guy. Yeah, he was.
Speaker 5: Like he's the kind of guy that they used to
Speaker 5: send into foxholes if he if he didn't dodge all the.
Speaker 2: Wars, yeah, he would have gone in.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but but he had that bum leg.
Speaker 5: Oh my god. That's the other thing. I have to
Speaker 5: get a fake hip, Karen.
Speaker 4: You do, Yeah, you find out for sure.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 5: I went and showed me an X ray and he said, yeah, ouch,
Speaker 5: you need a fake hip.
Speaker 1: Look at that.
Speaker 5: Look at see where your bones are touching, And like, yeah,
Speaker 5: I guess, Okay, but he I thought, you're just trying
Speaker 5: to get that sweet sweet hip replacement money. But he
Speaker 5: did follow it up with you're too young, though, Let's
Speaker 5: do it later. There's gonna be advancements in the next
Speaker 5: five year, I mean apparently soon they and then Germany
Speaker 5: they will like poke holes in the top of your
Speaker 5: bone and the marrow will grow out of the bone
Speaker 5: and created new Like there's things that.
Speaker 1: They can do. And I'm amazed that I.
Speaker 5: Thought he'd just say, yeah, we'll shoot a laser in there,
Speaker 5: coat it with You know, you're a thing.
Speaker 2: I don't know, you mean, like a wolverine stone.
Speaker 1: I just know your bone.
Speaker 5: Well, that's what they used to do, know the hammer
Speaker 5: titanium rod where you're in the middle of your bone,
Speaker 5: replace the marrow and then your your bone grows into it,
Speaker 5: I guess. But that's what they did twenty years ago.
Speaker 5: I'm surprised that that's still the going model. I'm like,
Speaker 5: and it's still only last ten fifteen years.
Speaker 2: So yeah, because my dad's had two Yeah.
Speaker 5: I don't want to do that, so I'm gonna I mean,
Speaker 5: I'll do it if I need to.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get a second opinion.
Speaker 5: But I'm just gonna go to a physical therapist and
Speaker 5: see if and I can get back the mobility. Because
Speaker 5: when he's pointing at the bone, it didn't seem that
Speaker 5: different from the other side. He said, see how it's
Speaker 5: like a melted ice cream cone. You it's a growth thing.
Speaker 5: He said, When I was a kid, I grew a lot,
Speaker 5: and my bone's weird. It had nothing to do with
Speaker 5: what I thought this whole time, like skateboarding and stuff.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, well you were just making up reasons.
Speaker 5: I yeah, I just pointing at the things that I
Speaker 5: thought made the most sense.
Speaker 1: Because I used to get injured a lot. I thought
Speaker 1: maybe I did something to it. But he said, you
Speaker 1: thought maybe God hated you. He's I knew, Oh, I know.
Speaker 1: It's a gift from God.
Speaker 5: It's God's one that made me add its growth when
Speaker 5: I was eleven. That made my top of my femer
Speaker 5: like a melted ice cream cone. That's a because it's
Speaker 5: off kilter, I guess. And there's drips of bone coming
Speaker 5: down and chocolate.
Speaker 2: Chips, but the way, I don't know the way.
Speaker 1: The only re jocolate chips.
Speaker 5: But yeah, he said, did you have a lot of
Speaker 5: pain when you're like eleven shin splints and hip pain,
Speaker 5: and I'm like, shit, yeah, I forgot, Yeah I did.
Speaker 5: I was always complaining about my legs hurting your character.
Speaker 2: Like enough already.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I never told him.
Speaker 5: I broke my arm and didn't tell him for months,
Speaker 5: and then I went in for my braces and they said,
Speaker 5: you have a broken arm.
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 5: Yeah, some kid, and I don't mean to get racial.
Speaker 5: He was a Native American kid. He pushed me off.
Speaker 1: That's the point. No.
Speaker 5: I was touching his braids. I thought they were neat.
Speaker 5: I'm like, how do you do this? Does someone needs
Speaker 5: got really mad that I was touching his long hair.
Speaker 5: I was being nice. I was complimenting as I was
Speaker 5: trying to bridge gaps. I love Native Americans. Wait, how
Speaker 5: it was Kawana's camp. It's a native name. And he
Speaker 5: pushed me off the fucking fort.
Speaker 4: Yeah, he didn't want you on his ship.
Speaker 1: He was known for violence and hurting people. So you.
Speaker 5: Used to walk around South Game all with a chain.
Speaker 5: He'd hit people with a chain. That's I was trying
Speaker 5: to become friends with him.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I didn't. I did the wrong thing.
Speaker 4: I hope you learned.
Speaker 1: Wow. But I learned I don't fly, But.
Speaker 2: Why would you not tell your parents because you felt.
Speaker 5: That I thought it would be expensive. I thought that
Speaker 5: it would just go away. I also thought it's not
Speaker 5: painful enough to be that much of a problem.
Speaker 1: I just honestly, no, it was sore. My arm was sore,
Speaker 1: but and it was I'm like, wow, it still hurts
Speaker 1: after a month, and I started talking about it at
Speaker 1: that point. Okay, good, but I was and I had
Speaker 1: already healed.
Speaker 2: What if you were one of those weird children that
Speaker 2: doesn't feel pain.
Speaker 5: I'd like to think I have special powers, but it
Speaker 5: would have come up again in my life. I think
Speaker 5: I would like during the tooth cleaning, I probably wouldn't
Speaker 5: have been like, uh, can you give me more of
Speaker 5: what's in that syringe?
Speaker 1: Because I do not want this to be uncomfortable.
Speaker 2: Have you ever seen the needle the dentists so expertly
Speaker 2: hide from you before they put it in your mouth?
Speaker 5: Oh no, she pretty much fucking showed it to me,
Speaker 5: and it was horrifying. It's so big, big, really big
Speaker 5: and long.
Speaker 4: It's crazy.
Speaker 2: Oh. I think we've talked about that on this podcast before,
Speaker 2: because remember any popejout said he was going to get
Speaker 2: me one as a present.
Speaker 4: I just remembered.
Speaker 2: But that's one of the scariest things of all time,
Speaker 2: is the lady did it wrong? Like you, I had
Speaker 2: the same dentist all of my life, and I remember
Speaker 2: I was like twenty two and doctor Brown retired. God
Speaker 2: bless you, doctor Brown. I think he's passed away, since
Speaker 2: he was the best dentist of all time, and he
Speaker 2: he was onto my eating disorder long before anybody else.
Speaker 1: Was, because he could tell from your teeth.
Speaker 4: He could tell it back to my teeth were drowned down.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, and.
Speaker 4: You can go straight though.
Speaker 1: Oh I'm already okay.
Speaker 2: But one day his dental hygienist was also lovely and
Speaker 2: won the lottery, which is one of my favorite stories
Speaker 2: of local success. She won like two hundred and fifty
Speaker 2: thousand dollars.
Speaker 1: In the lottery. Really people do that, I guess, I guess.
Speaker 2: I mean, she's you know, in all my years, she's
Speaker 2: the one person I've heard that's done that. But she
Speaker 2: kind of brought it out from behind her back too
Speaker 2: soon while I was still They didn't have my head
Speaker 2: tipped back far enough.
Speaker 1: I think.
Speaker 2: Anyhow, it looked like a cartoon needle. It was so terrible.
Speaker 1: That sounds awful. You know who else won the lottery?
Speaker 1: Who this comic?
Speaker 5: He was like a Southern Cajun guy, John Morgan. He
Speaker 5: made Martha Kelly cry once. Why because after her set
Speaker 5: she had we were in Austin and it was a
Speaker 5: particularly red neck night. And after her set he.
Speaker 1: Went up and said, everybody, take your hand and just
Speaker 1: wipe your brow because that is finally over or what
Speaker 1: he like said, oh, and I she is my friend.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm gonna fight this old shit. Yeah.
Speaker 5: But he he was on the road. He had won
Speaker 5: like a million dollars in.
Speaker 1: The lottery whoa or his wife did or something, And
Speaker 1: he was just on the road, not needing.
Speaker 5: And at the end his closer was singing the national
Speaker 5: anthem and he said, uh, I don't even like this.
Speaker 5: He said the N word of He said towel heads
Speaker 5: a couple times in his act.
Speaker 1: It was right after nine to eleven. But uh, people
Speaker 1: were scared, you know, it was around the time that they.
Speaker 4: Were scared to do good comedy.
Speaker 5: Yeah, or people got scared and became weirdos like uh
Speaker 5: Dennis Miller, you know, like people just went crazy.
Speaker 4: Actually the theory.
Speaker 2: I think Dennis Miller is being paid. I think he's
Speaker 2: being paid by the right because nobody is overtly right wing.
Speaker 4: And actually funny.
Speaker 2: And I think they thought he would be their guy, right,
Speaker 2: I swear to God, because it doesn't make sense.
Speaker 4: He was so not that way for so long.
Speaker 5: Yeah, just all part of his Fox contrary, Like when
Speaker 5: he did football, it's like, well, even though it's Fox Sports,
Speaker 5: you still have to have the Fox News. We're just
Speaker 5: gonna And then they pull out a syringe and.
Speaker 4: Fill him with hatred.
Speaker 5: And Dennis Miller his brother who's from Minneapolis and used
Speaker 5: to book me and my pals, Jimmy Miller.
Speaker 1: Jimmy Miller's his brother. Dennis Miller's his brother.
Speaker 4: Uh, Dennis Miller's him.
Speaker 5: Dennis Miller is the comic, yes, and Rich Miller's his brother.
Speaker 5: And so it's Jimmy Rich is a comedy booker. And he'd, yeah,
Speaker 5: I don't understand my brother. He went off the deep end.
Speaker 5: We don't talk much.
Speaker 2: Oh that sucks.
Speaker 5: Yeah, so it was like a real person thing, not
Speaker 5: just it's sad. Yeah, and then and yeah, that, oh.
Speaker 1: It doesn't it's okay.
Speaker 4: Every time's Okay, we're also sad and lost.
Speaker 1: We are sad and lost.
Speaker 5: But oh, I just I have to say, because my
Speaker 5: friend Andy used to work in Rich's office, and then
Speaker 5: my friend Andy just ten days after I lost my
Speaker 5: friend Zach, my friend Andy passed on Thanksgiving.
Speaker 1: So I'm like, I'm going crazy. I'm going yeah, he's
Speaker 1: such a sweet, awesome.
Speaker 4: What I liked to was seeing I never.
Speaker 2: But I seeing so many people on Twitter talking about
Speaker 2: him and retweeting his tweets and just talking about how
Speaker 2: he was the nicest person in the world.
Speaker 5: I hope that on whatever energy gas level that humans
Speaker 5: float around, he can still check Twitter and see that.
Speaker 5: Or I was thinking that was act too, all the
Speaker 5: stories about him, because in the end, my friend Zac thought, well,
Speaker 5: no one looks up to me anymore because he had
Speaker 5: closed himself off. You know, yeah, uh, I always I
Speaker 5: don't know. I just want I wonder if he knows
Speaker 5: the stories, because everyone's still in the same story that
Speaker 5: he helped shape, you know, all these young adults so
Speaker 5: influential that way, I don't. I'm my fear is that
Speaker 5: he didn't know that while it was happening, or even
Speaker 5: in the end.
Speaker 1: So I'm for myself. I'm trying to.
Speaker 5: Just realize that about myself or what I've done that's good,
Speaker 5: not that I'm going anywhere anytime soon.
Speaker 1: Well yeah, that's right. The night. Thank you, thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you you are.
Speaker 2: Here's the thing, that's the thing everybody does though, we
Speaker 2: all we are built, most people to downplay our success
Speaker 2: as not to focus. It's like, especially the comedy true
Speaker 2: people who are good at comedy, I believe are also
Speaker 2: natural kind of not the kind of people that are
Speaker 2: like great self promoters and kind of like, well, I'm
Speaker 2: a real badass.
Speaker 4: Like the people that are.
Speaker 2: Like that, I don't think also have that kind of
Speaker 2: critical mind to be able to write.
Speaker 1: It's very rare that they have both. Yeah, yeah, very
Speaker 1: rare sometimes.
Speaker 2: So I think you're I'm glad that you can pull
Speaker 2: out something to help yourself within all that pain. That's
Speaker 2: exactly the best thing to do in grief is to
Speaker 2: figure out your own lesson. Yeah, that's very important. And also, look,
Speaker 2: the options are there's no there is nothing else, or
Speaker 2: there absolutely is a fucking other plane and if you're
Speaker 2: going there, that is what you would get.
Speaker 4: That is that kind of being.
Speaker 2: Able to have the you know, shingles fall away and
Speaker 2: see life for what it is and the beauty of
Speaker 2: what it is.
Speaker 4: And you know, they've told.
Speaker 2: Stories about like people that have had who passed on
Speaker 2: or whatever and had those experiences, and that's what happens. Conceptually,
Speaker 2: it's very possible that that's exactly what he knows right now,
Speaker 2: is seeing his life for what it actually was as
Speaker 2: opposed to what was holding him down in a kind
Speaker 2: of sad human plane.
Speaker 5: Yeah, maybe whatever is unleashed into your what is that
Speaker 5: party or endorphin or whatever.
Speaker 1: That Yeah, maybe that is like, Hey, this is the
Speaker 1: one time you're not gonna worry and you're gonna appreciate
Speaker 1: everything you've done in your life. Here's that quick slide
Speaker 1: show that everyone brags about.
Speaker 2: Because it's i mean, everyone says they see that near.
Speaker 4: Death experiences all that shit.
Speaker 2: Yeah, where you actually get to you get some fucking perspective.
Speaker 2: And sadly some people get the perspective and die, but
Speaker 2: you get it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a fact.
Speaker 2: So yeah, it's a good idea to try to get
Speaker 2: it now, or at least try to squint to see
Speaker 2: it while you still.
Speaker 5: Yes, I've been trying to think about the past and
Speaker 5: think about things that have been great, and I've been
Speaker 5: doing that a lot, and I think it's important and
Speaker 5: it's not.
Speaker 1: It's even when you do that, because when someone dies,
Speaker 1: you also are like, oh no, I'm gonna die to
Speaker 1: you immediately make it about yourself. I think you should make.
Speaker 5: It about yourself in learning something or appreciating your own life.
Speaker 1: It's important. It's very important to do that. It's very important.
Speaker 2: Yes, well, because also that's I mean, some people try
Speaker 2: to say that that's self as shortever, I mean I
Speaker 2: think people anything anyone does on social media about death
Speaker 2: it infuriated me. I know I always do it so badly.
Speaker 2: But in private, you get to make it about you, right,
Speaker 2: because that's that's how you can make it mean something.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I wrote something when Zach passed on and put
Speaker 1: it on Facebook, and I almost deleted it because I
Speaker 1: have never done that before. I've never like.
Speaker 5: Written a long emotional post thing, you know. And I'm
Speaker 5: glad I didn't delete it though, simply because that's where
Speaker 5: a lot of the people I know that knew him,
Speaker 5: we're all meeting and talking and I wanted them to
Speaker 5: see it, and so I'm glad I left it. You know,
Speaker 5: there's probably other people are like, oh, brother, and and
Speaker 5: I hope they just skipped over it, but.
Speaker 1: But yeah, there, it's it's up there with well it's not.
Speaker 5: What's more annoying a knowing to me is people taking
Speaker 5: pictures of their soup like it's tends the season. It's
Speaker 5: like your soup, really your soup?
Speaker 2: Carrot ginger is my favorite. That's why we came here
Speaker 2: tonight to Panera Bread.
Speaker 5: I'm so glad they finally have the ginger emoji and
Speaker 5: I could follow with this I had.
Speaker 2: There was when I was still on Facebook, way back
Speaker 2: when I haven't been on there in years, but when
Speaker 2: I was on there, there was a guy that I
Speaker 2: knew that did that where it was always like it
Speaker 2: wasn't just taking pictures of the food, but it's a
Speaker 2: way of bragging that you have money, because it's people
Speaker 2: who are always taking pictures of really nice food.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's what mey me mad.
Speaker 2: I was just like, basically, what you're saying is you
Speaker 2: have the money to spend like forty dollars on an entree, right,
Speaker 2: so fuck off with your forty dumb dollars. And then
Speaker 2: I would burn forty dollars as a way of rebelling
Speaker 2: the tyranny of Facebook.
Speaker 1: I eat it.
Speaker 2: Do you eat that money?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 5: Just to get more specific, yeah, ball up the here's
Speaker 5: your forty dollars meal.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then I got a pay for kind of
Speaker 1: my tongue.
Speaker 2: I can eat forty dollars too. That's my rebellious voice.
Speaker 1: It is.
Speaker 5: Your rebellious voice is a lot like someone that has
Speaker 5: denied the government and makes their own flag and lives
Speaker 5: in a cabin I.
Speaker 2: Money, I don't care.
Speaker 4: I don't care.
Speaker 2: I should start doing more voices.
Speaker 5: You should, I voice practice. We should both start doing impressions.
Speaker 2: I said it once, I said it a million times. You've
Speaker 2: heard me, Pat Merita, I want.
Speaker 1: To hear it.
Speaker 5: It's it's important for your impressions to also be of
Speaker 5: another race.
Speaker 1: Because that that's right up everyone's alley.
Speaker 2: That's when you create that artistic tension that you're looking
Speaker 2: for in an audience.
Speaker 1: Oh. I love pushing buttons with a group.
Speaker 5: Just I want to perform at a UN meeting and
Speaker 5: just roast everybody.
Speaker 4: Here's you Switzerland to the.
Speaker 1: Yeah exactly, just on a muppets level, make fun of them.
Speaker 4: City buses only, hot whites only, make fun of hot.
Speaker 5: Excuse me, boy, that happens, and the mic is right
Speaker 5: there near my coughing hole.
Speaker 2: Well that's how loves are. They're there to catch every sound.
Speaker 4: They don't judge.
Speaker 2: It's all good to them.
Speaker 5: I have been, yes, coming down with something, but it
Speaker 5: never comes. I've just been fighting it as it's coming.
Speaker 4: Is it in the lungs?
Speaker 1: It's a fluid in the lungs. There's a lot of wheezing.
Speaker 1: That's not good. You know, fluid in your lungs is bad.
Speaker 4: It is bad. It means that you are.
Speaker 1: Drowning, yes, basically slowly.
Speaker 5: And there are some nights where it's bad and I'm like,
Speaker 5: I'm out of breath, I need to walk around and
Speaker 5: it's because I'm slowly drowning in my lungs.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well I should probably go to a doctor.
Speaker 4: Do you smoke?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: Do you drink yes? That has nothing to do with it.
Speaker 1: I just wanted to want to hear you just wanted
Speaker 1: me to finally come out with it.
Speaker 4: Stop denying that you drink beer.
Speaker 5: You have fluid in your lungs. Do you sometimes lie
Speaker 5: to other people?
Speaker 1: Have you ever had an a fair married person really
Speaker 1: that would do it? No, No, I just want to
Speaker 1: hear it from you.
Speaker 2: You com bad douchebag.
Speaker 5: Where I know where I am, but I'm trying to remember.
Speaker 2: It will be right, okay when you finally decide to
Speaker 2: take it.
Speaker 1: Yes, perhaps you could aid it and knowing where that
Speaker 1: right is.
Speaker 2: Okay, right ahead, see what great voices?
Speaker 1: Oh, let me do one. Okay, I'm gonna take me
Speaker 1: right up here.
Speaker 4: No, let me do one.
Speaker 1: Okay, Oh take a ride. That's a it's.
Speaker 2: Borderline racist, but I won't put any flair on it
Speaker 2: to make.
Speaker 1: You know what I thought it was right. I can't
Speaker 1: I see a sensual Smese cat.
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, but maybe not.
Speaker 1: Oh, now, it's just racist.
Speaker 2: At that time, I was trying to be French, but
Speaker 2: I still wouldn't give it an accent of any kind
Speaker 2: because I don't see color.
Speaker 1: That's the other That's why I'm not an air Force pilot.
Speaker 4: My friend, that's not the only thing keeping you from it.
Speaker 1: No, no, it's my friend.
Speaker 2: My favorite and most hilarious people I've ever met, is
Speaker 2: also black. She I have a black friend. Cool? Actually,
Speaker 2: she'd say it back. This is the one way thing
Speaker 2: like most of your black friends.
Speaker 4: Yes, that was me, said.
Speaker 2: I have a black friend.
Speaker 1: But uh, I also happened to be pointing at a
Speaker 1: stop or a light.
Speaker 2: Yes, just like him. And there was a girl that
Speaker 2: used to quit that habit.
Speaker 4: Yes, that's the shade I'm talking about.
Speaker 1: I'm smiling when I do it. I can't get that man.
Speaker 2: Our friend that used to work at the Gap with
Speaker 2: us had a shirt that said I don't see color,
Speaker 2: and then it had a bunch of different eyes of
Speaker 2: different people from all around the world. And my friend
Speaker 2: Dawn would she she her father was an obg A
Speaker 2: and she was raised very wealthy Los Angeles, but she
Speaker 2: would put on her blackest voice and then she would go,
Speaker 2: you better see my color. The idea of saying I
Speaker 2: don't see colors actually very white and offensive. Yeah, no,
Speaker 2: there's plenty of color. It's not about you being color
Speaker 2: blind gipshit.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not about you ignoring everyone that isn't white,
Speaker 1: that is white. I don't see color. I also don't
Speaker 1: acknowledge or have conversations with it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I hope I've taught everyone a valuable lesson about.
Speaker 1: Your No, it is it's very that is I have
Speaker 1: a black bres Why do I have lung problems.
Speaker 2: Maybe it was getting your gums clean my figure.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you're right, Oh god, it was that needle. There
Speaker 5: was something in it, a bug. My favorite is when
Speaker 5: people along those lines they go, I don't.
Speaker 1: Care if you are white, yellow, brown, or purple green
Speaker 1: polka dots. That's like, it's like, well that's come on, now,
Speaker 1: you can't make up. You're just making one up.
Speaker 2: Well.
Speaker 4: And also you're just racist.
Speaker 2: Yeah, if that's how far you're to taking it, whatever
Speaker 2: you're saying, stop talking, Yeah, yeah, because you're just a
Speaker 2: weird racist that can't talk about other people in any
Speaker 2: way that's not upstracted.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, you have to turn into a cartoon character.
Speaker 4: Get out of here.
Speaker 1: And I don't care if you're a duck who dresses
Speaker 1: like a sailor and doesn't wear pants. I love all
Speaker 1: people and donald duck skunks who corner of cats and
Speaker 1: trying to have sex with them.
Speaker 2: You like rapist skunks, but you don't like dream people
Speaker 2: with purple spots.
Speaker 1: I like. I like a bald man who hunt. I
Speaker 1: like rabbits who are scared of them. I'm not racist.
Speaker 4: I like big, huge roosters. Oh Southern accents.
Speaker 5: All you're saying you just watch a lot of cartoons,
Speaker 5: is what you're saying.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 2: No, that's not it at all. Oh you're a child,
Speaker 2: is what you're saying.
Speaker 1: Who sounds like a southern politician. I am five years.
Speaker 2: Old, a southern gentleman of some kind.
Speaker 1: Now here's my jacket, so you don't step in that puddle.
Speaker 1: A little kid.
Speaker 2: Oh, that'd be great, a kid putting his jacket.
Speaker 1: Yeah, just for another for another little girl. It'd be
Speaker 1: a cute little Oh.
Speaker 2: That would be a cute card if you took the picture,
Speaker 2: did tone, Yes, put it in a some kind of
Speaker 2: a vineyard, made them kiss. I've always thought those little kid,
Speaker 2: little kids kissing cards are some of the creepiest things.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, yeah, it's it's funny you should say that.
Speaker 5: There's a picture of me as a kid kissing on
Speaker 5: the lips a little girl that was.
Speaker 1: The daughter of the guy my dad did radio with.
Speaker 1: We were in like Astoria, Oregon, and I'm kissing this
Speaker 1: little girl in the mouth. And I always was like.
Speaker 5: That's not that's what I was young, and that's you
Speaker 5: guys all put us up to it. Yeah, And uh,
Speaker 5: it looks like it's like an open mouth kiss.
Speaker 1: Hello.
Speaker 2: Well, you probably didn't have no, no, you know, a
Speaker 2: good approach, like you didn't have a good.
Speaker 1: Kissing No, not that, not that, but you went I'll
Speaker 1: loose slipped with it. Yeah once.
Speaker 5: I once I hit about twenty one years old and
Speaker 5: started kissing girls for the first time.
Speaker 1: You game. Yeah, Oh, I've had a lot of pillow practice,
Speaker 1: pretty lady, but yeah, that always bothered me. That picture
Speaker 1: of me kissing another Oh, oh, I don't like that.
Speaker 4: Oh, this is a serious accident.
Speaker 1: Yes, guys, I hope that's never This is awesome. I
Speaker 1: don't know.
Speaker 4: Boy, this is a semi truck.
Speaker 1: Oh boy, Oh that's versus.
Speaker 2: Oh, a huge semi truck us.
Speaker 4: There was a light underneath the truck.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Was there a car underneath that truck?
Speaker 1: I hope not. I don't know.
Speaker 2: Golly, that was glass and cops and there was little cones.
Speaker 2: That was serious.
Speaker 1: Yeah, at some point I feel like they're just showing off.
Speaker 2: I saw a couple of accidents on the Highway five today.
Speaker 2: Did I already say that I spent it nine hours
Speaker 2: in the car?
Speaker 1: You did off? But yeah, tell me about Yeah, we're
Speaker 1: on camera, by the way, I hope that now is
Speaker 1: a weird time to tell.
Speaker 4: You that I'm wearing my pajamas. Lauren call Singham a.
Speaker 2: Past guest, and my niece, your hilarious niece, my very
Speaker 2: one of my very favorite's.
Speaker 1: I've heard requests for to be return to.
Speaker 4: The Are you serious?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 2: That would probably fill her with joy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'd be so happy she needs to come back.
Speaker 2: That would be great. So she and I drove down today.
Speaker 2: We got up at seven am in Petaluma and we
Speaker 2: spent nine hours on the five freeway because there was
Speaker 2: so much traffic. At certain points we were just dead stock.
Speaker 1: That's a drive that shouldn't be more than six and
Speaker 1: a half, right, six at the most is how I
Speaker 1: usually do it.
Speaker 2: And it was nine and every time we stopped, every
Speaker 2: place we went was packed the lines. I mean, because
Speaker 2: it's just the busiest travel day on the Sunday after Thanksgiving.
Speaker 1: Oh, is that like the black Friday for traffic?
Speaker 4: Yep, it's dark brown Sunday.
Speaker 1: Which sounds racist, but hey, I like ducks without pants.
Speaker 2: Hey listen, if you give me a pig in a
Speaker 2: blue jacket with no pants or underpants.
Speaker 1: And he's holding the musket, will hello Hello, Hello, sir,
Speaker 1: you're my new friend. Now, is that someone that would
Speaker 1: be wearing this white hood that you see on the
Speaker 1: head just the most confusing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we've gone into a different area. But anyway, why
Speaker 2: did I bring that up? Maybe because I'm tired of
Speaker 2: being in a car.
Speaker 5: You I you didn't want to drive, so I'm driving right,
Speaker 5: which is why this isn't one of our better podcasts.
Speaker 1: And all I'm just disagree. We're doing great. Is great.
Speaker 1: I'm swear that we haven't talked to the guests. We'll
Speaker 1: be right with you. Chip Pope.
Speaker 5: Quiet now, yeah, Well, if it's seemed we always have
Speaker 5: a guest, sometimes they just get sleepy, yep, and Chip
Speaker 5: Pope is.
Speaker 1: In the back of sleeping. But you you drove home?
Speaker 1: You didn't. You maybe took a nap and I picked
Speaker 1: you up and you're you're in your pajamas.
Speaker 2: I'm in my peagers. Well, I also love these slippers.
Speaker 2: I wish I could wear them in real life, because
Speaker 2: I shouldn't. I won't.
Speaker 4: I wish I could.
Speaker 5: They'd look nice if it was like a Pendleton flannel
Speaker 5: shirt you were chopping wood.
Speaker 2: That's right, they look like it looks like I should
Speaker 2: be a big bear with these slippers on there, like
Speaker 2: they've got an alpine sweater feel to them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, those those slippers are like the screensaver cover for
Speaker 1: the Fargo series.
Speaker 2: That's those Who are you watching that?
Speaker 1: Oh? Boy, am I there's a guy that won't let
Speaker 1: me do it? Okay, I got it, I got it.
Speaker 1: He's a big old jerk.
Speaker 4: I love Fargo. I'm obsessed with it. It's I couldn't
Speaker 4: be happy to be watching it.
Speaker 2: My dad is watching it, which makes me hear, should
Speaker 2: I turn here?
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, No, I would go to a next Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's so good.
Speaker 2: And then the other day on Twitter, Nick Offerman, who
Speaker 2: is playing the lawyer, Yes, tweeted, he's so sweet happy.
Speaker 1: Oh that's great. Which one did he would tell us
Speaker 1: your tweet? It was.
Speaker 4: It wasn't any of my writing. It really wasn't to
Speaker 4: my credit.
Speaker 2: But it's just a poem by Richard brought Again that
Speaker 2: I love that I usually tweet about once a year.
Speaker 2: That's called I was trying to describe you to someone
Speaker 2: the other day and it's just this amazing read it
Speaker 2: on my Twitter.
Speaker 1: It's it's just it's multiple tweets that you you continued,
Speaker 1: I've never done that.
Speaker 2: No, someone took a picture of the poem in a book,
Speaker 2: so it's just it's a still for a you know,
Speaker 2: a picture.
Speaker 1: A jpeg or a gift or a jiff.
Speaker 5: But people do computer people do to where I'm like, well,
Speaker 5: I guess it was never an animated gift that you know,
Speaker 5: the whole time I was working at Evite doing these
Speaker 5: little hockey players or whatever animated gifts.
Speaker 1: We all call them gifts.
Speaker 5: Now, a ted talk guy talking about computers will say Jeff,
Speaker 5: and it's like, well, I guess.
Speaker 4: But I'm not a computer guy, right, I'm just me.
Speaker 1: Jeff's a peanut butter. I'm sorry, Jeff, tech World.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it doesn't work.
Speaker 1: No, it doesn't.
Speaker 2: And if that's what you wanted it to be, you
Speaker 2: should have fucking said it in the beginning.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and should have started it with a j since
Speaker 1: that's what a Jeff is.
Speaker 2: Yes, And a gift a hard g You see the GIF,
Speaker 2: that's a hard g.
Speaker 1: Do you just specify this poem? Do you to have
Speaker 1: him memorized?
Speaker 4: I do not, because it's actually quite long.
Speaker 1: You don't want to paraphrase it? Well I could, but
Speaker 1: I challenge you to do so. In your Asian cat accent.
Speaker 2: I'll try to act like it's really philosophical.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: The poem is essentially saying I tried to describe you
Speaker 2: to someone the other day, but I couldn't. I couldn't
Speaker 2: just say she looks like Jane Fonda, but with red hair,
Speaker 2: because you don't look like Jane Fonda and you don't
Speaker 2: have red hair.
Speaker 4: Something like this.
Speaker 2: It's real talkie, right, And then he goes, But then
Speaker 2: I thought of a movie I saw when I was
Speaker 2: about eight or ten or six. It was a movie
Speaker 2: about bringing electricity to the farmers of America, and it
Speaker 2: showed them building a dam. Because all the it showed
Speaker 2: all the farmers working in the blackness, milking cows by
Speaker 2: lantern light and sewing and reading by lantern light. And
Speaker 2: then it showed them building a dam and putting up
Speaker 2: big poles. He goes into the description of putting up
Speaker 2: the poles and electricity coming in like a young Greek
Speaker 2: god and running along the lines and lighting up the
Speaker 2: houses of the farmers so that when they get up
Speaker 2: early in the morning to milk the cows, yes, they
Speaker 2: do it by light. And they finally had toasters, and
Speaker 2: they finally had radios that they could listen to, and
Speaker 2: they could finally read and sew dresses and do this
Speaker 2: all by light. And I wanted all extratricity to go
Speaker 2: everywhere in the country. I wanted all the farmers to
Speaker 2: have had their lives brought out of the darkness. It
Speaker 2: made me. It reminded me of when I heard the
Speaker 2: Star Spangled banner or heard President Roosevelt talking on the radio.
Speaker 2: And that's what you look like. To me. Oh wow,
Speaker 2: so it's that's as paraf that's terribly parafel.
Speaker 1: No, I you've remembered.
Speaker 2: Well.
Speaker 1: I love it.
Speaker 2: It's really the first time I read it, it made
Speaker 2: me cry crazily hard, because that's such a more specific
Speaker 2: thing of how you feel when you really like somebody.
Speaker 2: It's not that idea that when you're in love with someone,
Speaker 2: it's like, oh you and roses and blah blah blah.
Speaker 2: It's not that like, when you actually really like somebody,
Speaker 2: that feeling of just that of like light coming into darkness,
Speaker 2: and that idea of like you want every like you,
Speaker 2: that feeling of wanting everybody to be to feel the
Speaker 2: same way you feel, and all that kind of shit,
Speaker 2: Like it's such an accurate thing. It's so beautifully accurate.
Speaker 2: And then the idea that someone would think that about
Speaker 2: you is such a romantic idea.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm going to read it. Do it.
Speaker 2: It's on my Twitter feed.
Speaker 1: I will write when we're done.
Speaker 4: The second Yeah, the second we pull over, the.
Speaker 1: Second you get out. But yeah, I've watched It's funny.
Speaker 5: I watched most shows when they're done because I'm watching
Speaker 5: the first season of Fargo also, which is also amazing.
Speaker 2: It's so good.
Speaker 5: Yeah, they're about and uh, I'm just uh, you know,
Speaker 5: I've never stolen a streaming bit torrent or whatever.
Speaker 1: Yeah, or a gift torrent. No, yeah, there, it's that.
Speaker 1: I'm so into it.
Speaker 5: And now I've been watching investigations. I'm just in all
Speaker 5: this crime solving.
Speaker 2: Now, wait, have you watched that Psychic Investigation?
Speaker 5: Yes, it's it's always like a strange lady that lives
Speaker 5: in the Midwest somewhere and she's a psychic and she
Speaker 5: helps these murder cases, and it's amazing and they really
Speaker 5: do help. Yes, they'll pick up a photo and they're like,
Speaker 5: I'm seeing the number two eight seven, I'm seeing a
Speaker 5: duffel bag. I'm seeing this guy with a mustache and
Speaker 5: they're like, well, that's the guy we interviewed yesterday and
Speaker 5: two eighty seven is the warehouse. It just happens, yeah,
Speaker 5: And it's all all the cops are like skeptical guys
Speaker 5: with Wilford Brimley mustaches that all. They all say the
Speaker 5: same thing, Well, I uh, you know, she helped us
Speaker 5: find one of the police dogs once, so you know,
Speaker 5: I'm i hesitantly let her. And then at the end
Speaker 5: they're like, I'm a believer now in the spirit world
Speaker 5: and everything.
Speaker 1: And oddly a lot of these these uh people with
Speaker 1: the gift.
Speaker 5: To see things are all sore this gift and they
Speaker 5: also believe in giesus.
Speaker 1: A lot of them. They aren't like, you know, I don't.
Speaker 5: I was surprised to see that that they're just like,
Speaker 5: I'm Christian in their spirits everywhere.
Speaker 1: Let me talk to one. It's like, oh man.
Speaker 5: But then there's other ones that are just like, yeah,
Speaker 5: I got these annoying voices, like the Whoopie Goldberg types.
Speaker 5: It's but they're reoccurring in different episodes. They've helped crimes.
Speaker 5: It's really interesting. Also, it's really scary. The reenactments actually
Speaker 5: have some of the people in them. They have them
Speaker 5: like act Oh, but it's really interesting and they it's good.
Speaker 5: It's great psychic investigators.
Speaker 2: I watch it.
Speaker 1: It's you'll well fall down a hole, what of love? No,
Speaker 1: You'll literally fall down a hole and then I'll find
Speaker 1: a psychic to find out where the hole is.
Speaker 2: It'll be cold.
Speaker 1: You're gonna be like Baby Jessica. They're gonna love it
Speaker 1: when they pull you out.
Speaker 2: Did I ever tell you about my idea? And remember
Speaker 2: this is a copywritten idea, yes, fact that I'm saying
Speaker 2: it on a podcast. This idea that the sitcom for
Speaker 2: adult Baby Jessea, where the whole town worships her and
Speaker 2: she has a bunch of money because they've never stopped
Speaker 2: giving to her. This is actually true about Baby Jessica.
Speaker 2: She fell down that well when she was two years old,
Speaker 2: and it was one of our first major national stories
Speaker 2: that people followed day and night.
Speaker 1: Right. I remember, and I'm just telling the millennials at home. No,
Speaker 1: I'm just realizing I do remember that being a story. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's a long time ago.
Speaker 2: So apparently they never closed down her donation's bank account
Speaker 2: and people have been giving to it all these years.
Speaker 1: That's and fraudulent.
Speaker 2: No no, no, because they want to. But wow, but
Speaker 2: in this article, you know, they were like, so she
Speaker 2: has over and it was like fifteen thousand dollars.
Speaker 4: It wasn't anything crazy.
Speaker 2: But my idea is you take that and you just
Speaker 2: lie about it, Yeah, the way they do on Fargo and.
Speaker 4: Every other show.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then you just pretend that baby Jessica got
Speaker 2: pulled out of that well and that that whole no
Speaker 2: one would ever stop giving her things and loving her
Speaker 2: for surviving. And so she's just big creepy adult baby
Speaker 2: baby Jessica in her own town that can do whatever
Speaker 2: she wants and it's.
Speaker 1: Still being paid for, fed and has diapers.
Speaker 4: No, no, no, it's just like a big immature adult.
Speaker 5: That's what I would have tried to add in the
Speaker 5: writing room. She actually acts like a baby.
Speaker 2: What do you think I'm the person in charge, going no, yeah,
Speaker 2: that was my idea. And her mansion is built around
Speaker 2: the well so that people take tours.
Speaker 1: Oh that's so great, and she gives the tour.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she'd give the tour if she's feeling up to it.
Speaker 2: But most of the time she just wants to eat
Speaker 2: candy and lay around because she's just baby. She's just
Speaker 2: professional baby Jessica.
Speaker 1: I love it.
Speaker 2: But the real one in real life is nothing like
Speaker 2: that and has a family, and you know, it's just like,
Speaker 2: I don't know, people keep.
Speaker 4: Giving me money.
Speaker 1: Wow, that's amazing.
Speaker 2: Because everyone's so like, you know, that was such a crazy, upsetting, terrible,
Speaker 2: scary story that then that baby came out fine. She
Speaker 2: had a broken arm and like a bump on her head.
Speaker 1: How long do you recall how long she's down? Like
Speaker 1: a week or something? Right?
Speaker 2: No, I think it was like two days.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, I.
Speaker 2: Don't think it was a week. I mean, I could
Speaker 2: definitely be wrong, but I think it was like seventy
Speaker 2: two hours. But she was jammed down into a little
Speaker 2: well as a lonely little baby down there. So maybe
Speaker 2: part of my sitcom is that she's also slightly psychotic
Speaker 2: because she's down there and imagine some things and so
Speaker 2: she still sees.
Speaker 1: Them and you're not going to have her fight crime
Speaker 1: or anything. This is me back in the writing room.
Speaker 2: You know what, Let's get into the writing room and
Speaker 2: really shit out, because I think we could make it work.
Speaker 1: Cut to us in a wood shed, there was a child.
Speaker 1: Did you just see that. There's a child that I
Speaker 1: almost had. No, there was a little kid next to
Speaker 1: a parked car that was right almost touched.
Speaker 2: Oh I thought that was an adult. I didn't even look.
Speaker 1: It was a tiny little person. No, baby, Jessica, get
Speaker 1: out of the road.
Speaker 2: We have to go back and give that baby fifty dollars.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, there's a baby climbing that light post
Speaker 1: with no harness.
Speaker 2: Let's go. Oh my god, this neighborhood's broken out in babies.
Speaker 1: It's just all adventurous extreme babies. Oh no, that baby's
Speaker 1: bungee jumping off that van.
Speaker 2: Oh no, that baby's chugging a monster energy dream.
Speaker 1: Oh no, there's a baby playing electric guitar.
Speaker 2: No, baby, put it down.
Speaker 4: You're doing the chords wrong.
Speaker 1: I don't know why I went there. I liked it, babies.
Speaker 1: I love the idea of a baby doing anything and
Speaker 1: an adult like outfit. Do you like Oh did you
Speaker 1: ever see I don't want to see two babies kissing though.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, we've already decided that that's super gross.
Speaker 2: It is.
Speaker 4: And also just it is.
Speaker 2: It's like what I want is for the camera to
Speaker 2: swing around and real quick take the picture of the
Speaker 2: creepy adults are like kisser Derek. Yeah, hideous.
Speaker 4: You're the ones that should be on the picture.
Speaker 1: Yeah, some guy in overalls with a beret. The Mango
Speaker 1: and Leanion kids overall, Oh yeah leaning now? Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: ignore the camera here, you kids picker up all national wedding.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry I went into deep character there, I'm back,
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you.
Speaker 4: We're down on van Ellen and Victory.
Speaker 1: I wasn't. I was often a pair of overall.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you were in that pedophiles photography.
Speaker 1: Say he's an artist, he's eccentric. You see for Hallmark.
Speaker 2: Nothing good is happening over No, no, unless it's.
Speaker 1: The military, you know, you know. Wow, Yeah, I'm very
Speaker 1: pro military.
Speaker 2: Are you?
Speaker 5: Oh well, I don't know. I'm not anti yeah me either. Yeah,
Speaker 5: I never said you were. I do feel like sometimes
Speaker 5: that our troops could get more of your support.
Speaker 2: Well, I've got that magnetic thing on the back of
Speaker 2: my card. What else you want?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah? The ribbon? Say no more, that's all we
Speaker 1: can do.
Speaker 2: The removable ribbon. Oh really, when are you gonna take
Speaker 2: that fucking off? Acause we're never not going to be
Speaker 2: at war anymore? Everybody?
Speaker 1: Yeah, fuck also free Tibet. Also that star moon pentagram.
Speaker 1: Isn't there a pentagram in there?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, it's definitely represented.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, we must all live together in harmony. Well,
Speaker 1: I am so tired. It's okay. This one is gonna
Speaker 1: have a soft ending. Oh well we went long.
Speaker 4: I hope we did.
Speaker 2: Oh you know what, though, we should because it's in
Speaker 2: two weeks.
Speaker 1: Yeah, done one.
Speaker 4: That's nice.
Speaker 1: We had a lot of stuff come out. It's the holidays.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Thanksgiving, Yeah I did.
Speaker 1: I had a great one. I had the best food
Speaker 1: I think I have ever had.
Speaker 5: My friend Joe Preno, Joe Preno does a podcast with
Speaker 5: my friend Lachlan Patterson.
Speaker 2: What are these people that I've never heard?
Speaker 1: They are comics that live by the beach and they
Speaker 1: have a surfing podcast and I've gone on there.
Speaker 4: And is Lachlan Patterson excessively good looking?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 5: He's he's like model good looking. But then it's at
Speaker 5: certain angles is really goofy looking. So that's how he
Speaker 5: gets away? Oh what is he wor It's just sometimes
Speaker 5: when people are really handsome and have those like every
Speaker 5: once in a while you'll see a picture of Ted
Speaker 5: Danson and he looks like Frankenstein. Yeah, I'm not talking
Speaker 5: about Lachlan here, but Ted Danson is to anyone, including
Speaker 5: straight man, a handsome, rugged face.
Speaker 1: But every once in a while it's like whoa Herman Munster?
Speaker 1: What the fuck?
Speaker 2: Because he has a tall face.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, so.
Speaker 5: Locklockman is handsome in that way where sometimes if he
Speaker 5: manipulates his face it is a comedic.
Speaker 1: Oh I see, yeah. No, is he just kind of
Speaker 1: distracting where.
Speaker 2: He stands around with his hands on his hips a lot?
Speaker 1: Is he one of those like no, no, it's old,
Speaker 1: like a Brownie paper towel type good looking. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's exactly what you meant. I don't know. No, he's uh,
Speaker 1: he's he's got he acts, Uh he's actually it's I
Speaker 1: don't know. I haven't seemly done with his hands.
Speaker 2: Okay, well let's take a closer look next time. It's important, Okay, deal.
Speaker 1: I think he has them both on the mic like this,
Speaker 1: like kind of tight to his face.
Speaker 2: I mean socially just standing around, Oh, hands.
Speaker 1: On hips, no long long dangling arm, you know, sounds terrible.
Speaker 1: They're just sway in.
Speaker 2: The wind, like wait, are you thinking of one of
Speaker 2: those blow up cars in front of the car wash.
Speaker 1: I thought we were talking about used cars.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's not your front.
Speaker 1: Okay, now the UK was he cooking? He didn't Joe
Speaker 1: are It was Joe? He lives nearby, and yes, and
Speaker 1: friend of mine. He's very funny and uh.
Speaker 4: And surfers that can cook?
Speaker 2: Is you? Did you have the.
Speaker 1: The best?
Speaker 5: Well they're watching football and I was pretending to follow,
Speaker 5: but I was like, yeah, that was mad, believe it.
Speaker 5: But the food was they had fried a fried turkey
Speaker 5: that was injected with some family secret and uh no,
Speaker 5: I think it was just rice family.
Speaker 1: It's it's secret, family secret.
Speaker 5: And the gravy was not that gelatinous translucent you know
Speaker 5: jelly gray that gets hard and I don't.
Speaker 1: This was like a dark seep into everything. Everything was
Speaker 1: the best flavor I've ever seen. It was the best. Yes,
Speaker 1: it was the best.
Speaker 2: And is Joe good looking?
Speaker 1: They're all yeah, yeah, they're all. Everyone there was handsome.
Speaker 1: It is a handsome, rugged group of dudes and my
Speaker 1: my roommate Nate. Everyone's hands Yeah. It was a Now
Speaker 1: that you think, well, you know me, I'm all I'm
Speaker 1: doing is thinking about naked ladies all day care. But
Speaker 1: now in retrospect, all that things about it's p and
Speaker 1: the b. Yep, that's all I do, that's all I think.
Speaker 1: But now in retrospect, all of those men were good
Speaker 1: looking in a sexual way, yes.
Speaker 2: And but only it was a boy's only Thanksgiving.
Speaker 1: Did they have some lady They had lady friends there.
Speaker 1: But the lady friends were like, oh no, our friends,
Speaker 1: they know they was.
Speaker 2: There's a couple of fat girls there, some girls with
Speaker 2: great senses of humor.
Speaker 1: They had they were they did.
Speaker 5: They just left because another friend said I'm gonna have
Speaker 5: my friends giving and no one showed up and she
Speaker 5: didn't have dishes, and so these nice girls with some
Speaker 5: of the food to her place.
Speaker 1: So then it became dude party.
Speaker 2: Oh I see yeah, oh or were they using that
Speaker 2: as an excuse? What are we driving up to?
Speaker 1: I have no idea. This is a bus.
Speaker 4: This is like the time we found NASA.
Speaker 5: Yeah, we just no one ever has driven through the
Speaker 5: mountains and stumbled upon a NASA base.
Speaker 1: But we did it. We did it Episode fifty something.
Speaker 2: This fucking podcast guarantees you those kinds of surprises.
Speaker 5: They this isn't NASA, at least a place where they
Speaker 5: repair weight it's a marritte.
Speaker 1: You know what this is.
Speaker 2: It's fucking the Bourbon Airport just came up on the stage.
Speaker 4: Who cares?
Speaker 2: Although there is they do have like a fun drive through.
Speaker 2: They have a strip mall of only restaurants and so
Speaker 2: they have like a drive through Panda Express, which is like,
Speaker 2: if you just want to weigh four hundred pounds all
Speaker 2: of your life, go ahead and go to a drive through.
Speaker 1: It is funny. I noticed that when we dropped Offunger
Speaker 1: that one time.
Speaker 5: It's it's like all restaurants that you would see there
Speaker 5: might even be a sonic in there. There's like all
Speaker 5: these Midwest like just middle like places where you would
Speaker 5: eat on the freeway.
Speaker 2: Yeah, restaurants I like to go, yes, yes, girthy, but
Speaker 2: I'm feeling girthy and I just gid. I know for
Speaker 2: a fact, I'm not gonna get invited to sexy Thanksgiving,
Speaker 2: so I'm like, you know what, to fuck it, I'm
Speaker 2: gonna go down to the drive through Krispy Kreme mm hmm,
Speaker 2: the most unnecessary drive there is.
Speaker 5: I was gonna just stay at home. I'm like, I was, uh,
Speaker 5: you know, I was not feelings great. But I'm really
Speaker 5: glad I had sexy Thanksgiving.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I am too.
Speaker 1: At one everyone spilled wine on their shirts and they
Speaker 1: slowly took them off. Really yeah, sexy Thanksgiving.
Speaker 5: And then it's like should I put my shirt back on?
Speaker 5: And I and we were all agreed, just with our eyes.
Speaker 5: I'm okay with it if you are.
Speaker 1: So we sat shirtless with a little bit of gravy
Speaker 1: on our bellies and watch the rest of the Sporting Matt.
Speaker 1: I remember remember it like it was yesterday, but it
Speaker 1: was actually two days before yesterday. So maybe that's why
Speaker 1: my memory of it is so clear. And I think
Speaker 1: one of the main reasons is everyone's abs really cut
Speaker 1: into my brain deep. That was me trying to do
Speaker 1: uh what improvised sexual comic con you fan fiction? Thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you?
Speaker 2: But it had yours had a kind of a who's
Speaker 2: that cowboy? I want to say, Sam.
Speaker 1: Neill, Sam Elliott?
Speaker 2: Is Sam Elliott? That you had a real Sam Elliott.
Speaker 1: Someone posted a scene from Roadhouse the other day where
Speaker 1: he's showing a scar to uh Patrick Swayze's girlfriend. In it,
Speaker 1: he's like, he pulls his pants so and he just
Speaker 1: pulls him down and you.
Speaker 5: Could see his pubes his old Sam Elliott, No pubes
Speaker 5: bush bursting out of his pants.
Speaker 4: No, that can't be true.
Speaker 5: Everyone right now, go to Google type in Sam Elliott pubes.
Speaker 5: A video clip of what I'm talking about will pop up.
Speaker 1: And I dare you to watch it. Now.
Speaker 2: Do his pubes look like a large mustache?
Speaker 5: I swear they aren't his pubes. They do have some
Speaker 5: gray in him like his Uh do you think he
Speaker 5: had a pub stand in? I think he had a
Speaker 5: pubic care stand in a lot of these guys do.
Speaker 1: He also had that line. He had like vainy, like
Speaker 1: a muscular belly. So it was like that.
Speaker 5: I know Sam Elliott all he drinks his coffee and cigarettes.
Speaker 5: He's probably that keeps you like iggy pop. Yeah, wiy wiry,
Speaker 5: you know, kind of like tend But it looked like
Speaker 5: a young guy's bush.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm gonna admit right now, Karen, I don't know
Speaker 1: where I am.
Speaker 2: Because, uh, this is gonna take it straight back up
Speaker 2: to where to where I live. It's perfection.
Speaker 1: Well we're doing Do you want to just wrap it up?
Speaker 1: We're an hour or twelve in here?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I mean, And I feel like if there's
Speaker 2: any topic to end on it's Sam Elliott's cubic ye.
Speaker 1: Look can go, or it's his her pubes. Well tweet
Speaker 1: us and let us know who you know what you
Speaker 1: know about the pubes? God? Am I going to go
Speaker 1: to sleep? What's wrong with me? I don't know if
Speaker 1: it's Sam's pubes or someone else some kids pubs? Let us.
Speaker 2: I forgot the world of American or could it be
Speaker 2: c g I there's four choices.
Speaker 5: American is of course, it's a meat loaf inside a turkey.
Speaker 5: That's American. Happy Thanksgiving and uh think anything to plug Karen.
Speaker 4: At the Satellite.
Speaker 2: On December eighth, Trenan Davis is doing his Imaginary Radio.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I'll go watch, Okay, I'm going to be
Speaker 2: on it.
Speaker 4: And he and I usually do some of our songs.
Speaker 1: Yeah I might. I find it amazing when he does that.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's so good.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's very talented, and lots of other people do it,
Speaker 2: and he has lots of it's always lots of good, guess,
Speaker 2: lots of music.
Speaker 1: If you're into that, cool and I'm doing that at
Speaker 1: midnight on the night.
Speaker 4: Awesome, So it does if you do, I think so.
Speaker 1: I think that is how that works. Because I remember
Speaker 1: there or in my experience, they're tweeting that day. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so that's that. And thank you for.
Speaker 5: Listening, and happy holidays, and tell the people you like
Speaker 5: you love them and your mentors.
Speaker 2: Thank you, Yes, gratitude everybody.
Speaker 1: You're listening, you've been listening to. Do you need a ride?
Speaker 1: D y n A r oh? I'm actually driving.
Speaker 2: A leaven I.
Speaker 3: You wanna way back?
Speaker 1: Either way, we want to be there.
Speaker 3: Doesn't matter how much baggage you clean us time and
Speaker 3: day terminal engage.
Speaker 1: We want to send you us in sum.
Speaker 4: We want to welcome me back home.
Speaker 2: Tell us all about it.
Speaker 4: We scared her?
Speaker 2: Was it fine?
Speaker 1: Now?
Speaker 2: Porn?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 3: Do you need
Speaker 1: With Karen and Chris