Speaker 1: I love listening to y'all mess dead ass, and we
Speaker 1: asked y'all to write details to support your story, but goddamn,
Speaker 1: y'all got trouble in here. Really invested reading novels, okay, novels,
Speaker 1: but we love it.
Speaker 2: Keep it coming, dead ass, y'all.
Speaker 1: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 2: You may know us from posting funny videos.
Speaker 1: With our voice and reading each other publicly as a
Speaker 1: form of therapy.
Speaker 2: Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 1: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 2: Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 3: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 3: li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 1: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 3: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 3: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 3: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
Speaker 3: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 3: We about to take philosof to our whole level.
Speaker 1: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 4: If I could mail my heart right to you, am,
Speaker 4: I packed up seely tight.
Speaker 1: And that's send it up anight. Hey, that's myself. Shout
Speaker 1: out to Johnny. Where are you at now? Where the
Speaker 1: girls at? Johnny? Y'all were a vibe back of the day.
Speaker 1: You're still a vibe. You're on my playlist like on rotation. Still.
Speaker 1: Oh man, So let's take a break, because you know
Speaker 1: breaks are very necessary. So stick around. We'll be back. Oh,
Speaker 1: We're ready, We're back. What's with the face? Did you
Speaker 1: start looking at the firstness letter?
Speaker 2: Matt Man? Got me up on the dan carpet. He
Speaker 2: moving me around, Matthew.
Speaker 1: This chair keeps shifting to shoot.
Speaker 2: Jam Are you yeah?
Speaker 1: I'm gonna die write in and read this first one. Hi,
Speaker 1: I'm a listener from Brooklyn, Brooklyn. You're We've been following
Speaker 1: your journeys since the beginning and I'm a huge fan.
Speaker 1: I love you, guys, and this podcast is amazing. Your
Speaker 1: truly inspiration and an inspiration for the culture. Appreciate you.
Speaker 1: My husband and I, like you guys, have been together
Speaker 1: since we were nineteen years old. We have three girls
Speaker 1: and have been married eighteen years together. Twenty three guys,
Speaker 1: very similar. We just don't know about that girl life.
Speaker 1: He tends to go out with coworkers. I'm not bothered
Speaker 1: by him going out. I trust him, but he has
Speaker 1: a tendency to come home really late. I've been trying
Speaker 1: to tell him that five am is five am is
Speaker 1: not a respectable time for a husband to be coming ol, Sir,
Speaker 1: When I go out, I never stay out that late.
Speaker 1: Am I wrong for wanting him to come home earlier? Deval?
Speaker 1: In your opinion, what is respectable?
Speaker 2: I get me to talk about boy bag list?
Speaker 1: Okay, Deval? In your opinion, what's your respectable time to
Speaker 1: come home when you're married? If you're out at three am,
Speaker 1: I'm bugging. Three pm? Am I bugging? If I feel
Speaker 1: like coming home is at five am? Is ridiculous. Oh
Speaker 1: so he's been out since three pm till five.
Speaker 2: I think he's a teacher.
Speaker 3: I think he's a teacher because for him to be
Speaker 3: out at three pm, he has to work and teach.
Speaker 3: He doesn't work in already to work.
Speaker 1: At seven to seven to three, depending on the shift.
Speaker 1: He could be like a nurse. You know. He feels
Speaker 1: like he should be able to come in at whatever
Speaker 1: time he wants, as long as he's not cheating on me.
Speaker 1: There shouldn't be a time limit on when he comes in.
Speaker 1: If he comes in at nine am the next day.
Speaker 1: I should be fine with it. He's crazy, question mark
Speaker 1: or am I? Because that's unacceptable. This is an ongoing issue,
Speaker 1: and I don't know how to get through to him
Speaker 1: that it bothers me. It just feels like he doesn't
Speaker 1: give a damn. Am I wrong? I don't have trust issues.
Speaker 1: It just bothers me. And I'm one of those wives
Speaker 1: that doesn't breathe until he's home. I can't sleep, I
Speaker 1: can't think straight. I'm paranoid, scared, anxious, just a miss
Speaker 1: I get that part. I hate it it. I just
Speaker 1: don't know how to get through to him any advice.
Speaker 1: I completely get that. It's funny that she put that
Speaker 1: in in the very end of it. I said, because
Speaker 1: for Devaleni, whenever you're out or whenever I'm out, I
Speaker 1: think it's like a reciprocal thing that you just can't sleep,
Speaker 1: like you're just concerned about the well being and safety
Speaker 1: of your spouse. So that's a very very valid thing.
Speaker 1: Devaleni over the years never put any restraints or time
Speaker 1: limits on us being out without each other, whether it's
Speaker 1: out with friends or work or whatever. However, a consistent
Speaker 1: five am. What do you think about that.
Speaker 3: I don't know if it's a consistent five and we
Speaker 3: don't know how often he goes out. This is the
Speaker 3: biggest thing, right, And I'm gonna be one hundred percent honest.
Speaker 1: Oh, she just said he tends to go out with coworkers,
Speaker 1: and she's not bothered by it.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 3: So if my boys come into town and we go
Speaker 3: out right and we go to a club, there's a
Speaker 3: good chance that they may go into the club closed
Speaker 3: at three o'clock and I come home at four o'clock.
Speaker 3: I I've come home at four o'clock before. Absolutely, you
Speaker 3: haven't had no issues with it. So, and my thing is,
Speaker 3: we never tail and make our relationship to anybody else.
Speaker 3: So I don't think they should tell and make their
Speaker 3: relationship to anybody else neither. This is the biggest thing
Speaker 3: if you don't trust. If you trust him and he's
Speaker 3: being honest, and he's like, yo, babe, I'm just out
Speaker 3: having a good time.
Speaker 2: I'm not cheating on you. That's all he can give
Speaker 2: you is his word.
Speaker 3: You can't put a timeline on when somebody's supposed to
Speaker 3: come home, like we're adults, Like you can't do that.
Speaker 1: But is there also too, like a protocol in place,
Speaker 1: like a touch base, right, So is he gone from
Speaker 1: three pm until five am? And do you hear from him?
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, And not even just a
Speaker 1: check in to be like, where are you at? Let
Speaker 1: me see your surroundings, because she says she doesn't have
Speaker 1: trust issues. It's just more so a touch base to say,
Speaker 1: hey babe, I'm all right, still out, I'll be home
Speaker 1: at X y Z time.
Speaker 2: Well, that's what they have to create with themselves.
Speaker 3: They have to find a way to make it good
Speaker 3: for both of them, Like he can't just not be
Speaker 3: out with his friends just because his wife don't want
Speaker 3: him to go out. But also he can't just stay
Speaker 3: out all times at night and leave his wife home wondering.
Speaker 3: They have to converse and create something that works for
Speaker 3: the two of them. And it doesn't matter who tells
Speaker 3: them what's a convenient time, It doesn't matter whose opinion.
Speaker 2: It is about what's a convenient time.
Speaker 3: If he doesn't agree to that time and she doesn't
Speaker 3: agree to him being out, they have to work on that,
Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying. After someone else's opinion about
Speaker 3: what time he should come home, it has to be
Speaker 3: up to them. And here's the thing, we don't know
Speaker 3: what career he's in. If he goes out once a
Speaker 3: week and he say he works long hours and the
Speaker 3: only time he gets to go out is once a
Speaker 3: week with his co workers and they stay out till
Speaker 3: five am, there may be a reason why they may
Speaker 3: be stressed and want to blow off some steam. You know,
Speaker 3: it could be a thing where they don't get out often.
Speaker 3: We don't have enough context. I will say this as
Speaker 3: a husband and someone who cares about how my wife feels.
Speaker 3: I will always make you feel comfortable, even when I'm out.
Speaker 3: If I'm going from a place to another place, I
Speaker 3: do it. Hit you like your babe, I'm about to
Speaker 3: head over here. I'll hit you when I'm get there.
Speaker 3: When I get there, you know what I'm saying. Just
Speaker 3: so you know and you're aware. I will also say this,
Speaker 3: you leave some time and you'll be going for hours,
Speaker 3: and don't text me because you don't think it's that
Speaker 3: big of a deal. It could be a thing where
Speaker 3: he doesn't think it's that big of a deal because
Speaker 3: he knows he's not doing anything and I'm about to
Speaker 3: be home.
Speaker 1: That's true because I have been in that position where
Speaker 1: I'm just like, well, I'm just here at you know,
Speaker 1: Sophia's house, and we're chilling. We're not doing nothing, We're
Speaker 1: just here chilling it.
Speaker 2: And I'm like, you're supposed to text me when you
Speaker 2: get there, and I'm worried, and you.
Speaker 1: Just carried away at the moment and you're just like,
Speaker 1: oh shit, I didn't even realize all this time past.
Speaker 1: But yeah, Sis, I think you need to continue to
Speaker 1: have the conversation with him and continue to reiterate that
Speaker 1: it isn't a trust thing, it's more of a safety thing,
Speaker 1: or it's more of a respect factor, Like, hey, like,
Speaker 1: we're going to be living in this house together. I
Speaker 1: can't put the alarm on, and you know, God forbid
Speaker 1: somebody roll up in here at a certain time. You know,
Speaker 1: I got my gun at my bedside. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. I feel it can be in so many
Speaker 1: different reasons as to why, but never, never not have
Speaker 1: the conversation.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the conversation is the biggest thing.
Speaker 3: And one thing I will tell you is don't ask
Speaker 3: other people what time he should come home, right, because
Speaker 3: now he gonna be like, I'm not listening to the motherfuckers.
Speaker 1: I'm not.
Speaker 2: Listen nobody. If my wife ever told me.
Speaker 3: Well, somebody else said that you should a good time
Speaker 3: at twelve o'clock, I'd be like, good, we'll go marry
Speaker 3: that person.
Speaker 2: Exactly, y'all to figure it out.
Speaker 3: That's the biggest thing is y'all continuously talk about it though,
Speaker 3: for sure?
Speaker 1: All right, thanks for writing in and on to the
Speaker 1: next number two.
Speaker 3: Number two, Hey, Kadeen and Devo. First, I want to
Speaker 3: say I love y'all. Thank you so much. Kadeen, I
Speaker 3: love you. I love how you carry yourself as a woman,
Speaker 3: wife and mother.
Speaker 2: Devou.
Speaker 3: I love your personality and your class. Yet freak yourself,
Speaker 3: haph I'm a freak Devou. Thank you for showing men
Speaker 3: that it is okay to be emotional and to share
Speaker 3: your feelings with your significant other and allowing men to see,
Speaker 3: especially all black men, how to be a leader without
Speaker 3: being controlling.
Speaker 2: Well, I appreciate that.
Speaker 3: The thing I thank the Lord for platform such as
Speaker 3: this because as a twenty nine year old woman, the
Speaker 3: topics you guys discussed when not talked about in the
Speaker 3: household and hours either.
Speaker 2: So we're on the same page. Thank you. So I
Speaker 2: need some advice from Kadeen in Deval. We're gonna try
Speaker 2: our best. So my boyfriend and I have been together
Speaker 2: for a year. I love our relationship. He treats me
Speaker 2: so well.
Speaker 3: We are truly best friends and love is easy, the
Speaker 3: best relationship I have ever been in. Our sex life
Speaker 3: has gotten better since we met, just over time learning
Speaker 3: about each other and communicating likes and less dislikes.
Speaker 2: I get that.
Speaker 3: My dilemma is this is that when it is time
Speaker 3: for me to do that special thing which I love
Speaker 3: to do, he wants to release and that scares me.
Speaker 3: What I've only done it a few times in my
Speaker 3: life and I did not like it. Not to be
Speaker 3: too explicit, but he wants me to swallow it or
Speaker 3: split it out, but I truly hate to taste from
Speaker 3: previous experience. My man is very clean, I knew when
Speaker 3: he said when she said he wants to release. My
Speaker 3: man is very clean, works out and eats well, which
Speaker 3: I heard is a benefit for him and me when
Speaker 3: it comes to that, which is true, What do you
Speaker 3: recommend for me to do to help release my nerves
Speaker 3: and please him in that way? His birthday is coming
Speaker 3: up and I would love to give him.
Speaker 1: A treat, trying to think of the special gifts, you know,
Speaker 1: the gifts they keep on giving.
Speaker 2: Well, this is the first thing.
Speaker 1: Hm.
Speaker 3: If that's the gift you're giving me only on my birthday,
Speaker 3: we got bigger product because it's fucking Wednesday today.
Speaker 2: Man, it's not my birthday, and I might want to release.
Speaker 5: But for her, seeing as though listen to something that
Speaker 5: it's a little complicated for her, I don't know, girl,
Speaker 5: Like I guess.
Speaker 1: Everybody likes their own person's flavor.
Speaker 2: I can well, she says she ain't like the other
Speaker 2: person's flavor.
Speaker 1: She tried so somebody else.
Speaker 2: She's scared, right, So.
Speaker 1: You can't bring that into this relationship. Sys you can't listen.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do what my man wants me to do.
Speaker 1: With the exception of one thing. Divide knows. That's my
Speaker 1: red light. I got a red light situation, like nah Son,
Speaker 1: it's a red light situation. So she saunds that she's
Speaker 1: on the yellow. You know, she's about like make it
Speaker 1: to the green. I think she just needs to go
Speaker 1: for it. Go for it, like wherever it lands, it lands,
Speaker 1: and you may aim for certain places and it doesn't
Speaker 1: quite make it there. But it's in the theatrics of
Speaker 1: it for me. Okay, you can't tell me. No, I'm
Speaker 1: not a whole porn star when these moments happen, and
Speaker 1: I embrace that, and I embrace that and I live
Speaker 1: with it and I enjoy it. I think for me too,
Speaker 1: it's sometimes seeing your reaction, right, it's not even always
Speaker 1: about me and then being in my moment like this
Speaker 1: is my Oscar moment. It's more so you are a though, yeah,
Speaker 1: you are a performer by nature. I am a performer,
Speaker 1: So I like the theatrics for myself because I can
Speaker 1: tell when I'm putting on a show. But it's more
Speaker 1: so looking about It's more so looking to him for
Speaker 1: his reaction and how he's feeling in that moment.
Speaker 3: Let me explain something to you guys about my wife.
Speaker 3: But I'm being too explicit. The first time Kadeen did this,
Speaker 3: I was afraid. It was like she was chewing gums.
Speaker 3: I was like, hey, hey, is not supposed touching your
Speaker 3: teeth that much? All right, you gotta stop, You gotta
Speaker 3: stay no experience in the field, No, you didn't, and
Speaker 3: you also didn't have the elasticity in your jaw needed
Speaker 3: to do what needed to get done.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the skimming was just killing me. You've you've definitely
Speaker 2: gotten way better.
Speaker 3: But this is what I will say to couples about
Speaker 3: pleasing your partner, because I don't think this is just
Speaker 3: a women issue when it comes to that, because I
Speaker 3: get a lot of men too.
Speaker 2: Just be like, man, I just don't eat pussy like
Speaker 2: I just don't.
Speaker 3: And I'm just like, listen, if you are requiring that
Speaker 3: the person that is with you be monogamous to you,
Speaker 3: you are going to have to be comfortable doing and
Speaker 3: trying things that they like to do.
Speaker 2: It is unfair for you to be like, you can
Speaker 2: only be with me, and you only gonna be with me,
Speaker 2: and you can't be with no one else. And I'm
Speaker 2: not doing that.
Speaker 1: It's the last person that did it, did x y Z.
Speaker 1: I'm not the last person, right.
Speaker 2: That's just not fair.
Speaker 3: It's not fair, And truth be told, you might enjoy
Speaker 3: it when you love somebody and you off being of
Speaker 3: service and pleasing someone.
Speaker 2: You learn to enjoy things or not learned.
Speaker 3: You realize you enjoy things that you didn't enjoy with
Speaker 3: other people because there are certain things about people that
Speaker 3: turn you off, that stuff that you even like to
Speaker 3: do you wouldn't like to do.
Speaker 2: For example, I tell this to some of I'm like,
Speaker 2: there's some women.
Speaker 3: Who are attractive, that are attractive, who I think are
Speaker 3: super attractive, who the minute they start talking, I do
Speaker 3: not want to fuck no more.
Speaker 1: Seriously, what turns you offude the It could be the conversation, It.
Speaker 3: Could be a conversation, It could be so many things
Speaker 3: that a person, something about the person's order just turns
Speaker 3: you off, where that primo sexual being in you is
Speaker 3: just not into it with them.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying. It don't matter what they
Speaker 2: look like.
Speaker 1: It could just be a chemistry thing, right, But when
Speaker 1: you love.
Speaker 3: Somebody, it's like I will do anything with this person,
Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying. So the reason why I'm
Speaker 3: saying that is willing to try. If you love him
Speaker 3: like that and you want to please him, just try it.
Speaker 3: But don't go in there thinking about what the other
Speaker 3: person's tasted like. That's not gonna help. This could taste
Speaker 3: like Krispy Kreme donuts and now you being there every
Speaker 3: day trying to get what's hot, fresh hot off the line,
Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying. The light, The light beyond.
Speaker 3: You know what the hot now sign is on? You
Speaker 3: know what I'm saying, So don't fact and that's the truth.
Speaker 3: Like there are certain things that I said I would
Speaker 3: never do, and then I met you and I found
Speaker 3: myself doing all the things because the chemistry was there.
Speaker 2: Right, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So, and if you're really like a pleaser, which I
Speaker 1: think both of us are, Neither of us are selfish
Speaker 1: love neither one of us. So both of us be
Speaker 1: in the moment working to perform, okay, And I think
Speaker 1: that's that's that's the thing that helps and the thing
Speaker 1: that saves us is because it's not really about what
Speaker 1: I want sometimes in those moments, about what is going
Speaker 1: to get him to where he's going or trying to
Speaker 1: get to yes, if that makes sense, And it.
Speaker 2: Goes both ways. Like I am a performer and I'm
Speaker 2: a pleaser.
Speaker 3: I love performing When I know Kay is getting there
Speaker 3: and I know what's about her, it's the grit.
Speaker 2: I'll do whatever. It's like, let's go.
Speaker 3: And that's also what I'll enjoy about being monogamous because
Speaker 3: I don't have to have those concerns about I hope
Speaker 3: she's not doing this I hope I don't catch nothing.
Speaker 3: Like the greatest thing about being monogamous is that I
Speaker 3: can go through all of my fantasies with this person
Speaker 3: and we can try stuff and feel safe.
Speaker 1: You know. So and she said her man is very clean,
Speaker 1: works out eats. Well there's like, you know, I'll be
Speaker 1: all in Devo's arm pits, like.
Speaker 3: Yeah, she'd be all yeah, like and I'll be all
Speaker 3: in her throat. But and y'all know, Kadeen is just
Speaker 3: she's open about that, but in full transparency. Since we're
Speaker 3: being a little nasty, I'm not going to just leave
Speaker 3: it on you. In my life, I thought I would
Speaker 3: never ever in my life, I thought that I would
Speaker 3: be a kuchie eater growing up in Brooklyn around all
Speaker 3: my West Indian friends. You know what I'm saying, you know.
Speaker 2: By my neighbor boy.
Speaker 3: See that's all your that's all you over here. Now,
Speaker 3: one of my favorite things is to have Kadean sit
Speaker 3: on my face. Being honest, I went from pussy to
Speaker 3: maybe trying to have a seat up here, trying to
Speaker 3: have a seat. And the thing I love the most,
Speaker 3: I love is when I'm standing up and she's sitting
Speaker 3: up there and I'm just holding her up there Washington,
Speaker 3: and then she's about to get to her point and
Speaker 3: her feet can't touch the floor because I'm standing up
Speaker 3: and she's just it's like she's floating on a cloud.
Speaker 3: It's the greatest thing, gentlemen, it is the great hope.
Speaker 3: You listen, lift weights, Listen, deadlift and squat. Practice at
Speaker 3: least deadlifting and squad. Yes, your girls, wait before you
Speaker 3: do this, because what will happen is when she gets
Speaker 3: to that point and she starts to squeeze right, and
Speaker 3: the oxygen starts to leave your head.
Speaker 1: If you don't have the balance and your whole equilibrium
Speaker 1: is all right, right.
Speaker 2: Right, the balance leaves you. It's a down Phraser, down
Speaker 2: goes Fraser moment. So make sure. That's why I live.
Speaker 3: That's why I squat, That's why Deadlift's why lunge, you know,
Speaker 3: That's why I do hang clean press to make sure
Speaker 3: I can hold up and cane light. Now, k's a
Speaker 3: smooth one sixty. Now I just smooth one sixty. And
Speaker 3: I didn't have her up there as high as one eighty.
Speaker 3: That's why I be in these weights. I'll be in
Speaker 3: these streets, all right.
Speaker 2: I like it. I like what she up there.
Speaker 3: So please each other, guys, dead ass podcast, Please each other,
Speaker 3: have fun doing it and be safe.
Speaker 1: Yes, be saved that too, and on that.
Speaker 2: We're gonna take a break. On this break, we ain't
Speaker 2: gonna go do no pleasing, are we?
Speaker 1: I mean we mney listen, stranger things have happened. All right,
Speaker 1: y'all put it that way and we'll be back.
Speaker 2: All right, We're back, all right.
Speaker 1: Number three, let's go, my fiance. I think it's on me.
Speaker 1: You go the last one. Yes, my fiance and I
Speaker 1: decided to elope in Hawaii October twenty twenty three. Oh,
Speaker 1: so that's coming up. We have an infant, it does.
Speaker 1: We have an infant, so that makes it more It
Speaker 1: makes more sense financially to spend more money on a
Speaker 1: down payment for a home. It's dropping thirty to forty
Speaker 1: camp wed, I love it, not giving kadi. At twenty seven.
Speaker 1: We are very happy about our decision and excited about
Speaker 1: our elopement, as well as exploring the islands, hiking, sightseeing
Speaker 1: all that. The problem is our families keep asking about
Speaker 1: our wedding and sound so disappointed when we say we're eloping.
Speaker 1: I'm really tired of the comments like, oh, well, do
Speaker 1: what's best for y'all or you denying us a wedding.
Speaker 1: Oh oh, and I also get questions and comments about
Speaker 1: not having a bridle shower. I'm just not interested in
Speaker 1: planning or paying for any additional events. My question is
Speaker 1: how do I respond to these people without being rude
Speaker 1: or sound alike. I'm justifying our decision. Girl. If they
Speaker 1: want to throw your bridle shower, they can technically throw
Speaker 1: you a bridle shower. You don't have to have. No,
Speaker 1: the bridle shower technically has nothing to do with the bride,
Speaker 1: the women rallying around her to throw something to celebrate her.
Speaker 1: That's not stopping them from doing it. And if they
Speaker 1: really do care about you guys and your union ultimately
Speaker 1: not about the party, not about the day, not about
Speaker 1: the facade, not about the instagrammable moments, they will decide
Speaker 1: to get together and have a little something in your honor.
Speaker 1: They can also don't share my camera get away. They
Speaker 1: can also do is if you Elope and they really
Speaker 1: are down for y'all, when you come back from Hawaii,
Speaker 1: they can decide to have a little get together to
Speaker 1: celebrate y'all's union. On their dime so they can have
Speaker 1: their quote unquote wedding moment. Don't let these people do
Speaker 1: to y'all. Don't let these people do And this is
Speaker 1: Kadidia speaking as a thirty something year old woman. Okay,
Speaker 1: at my big age, y'all finally figured it out. Don't
Speaker 1: make the mistakes that we've made in the past, y'all.
Speaker 1: If you do not desire a wedding, don't have a
Speaker 1: wedding because ultimately it's not abo them anyway. And what
Speaker 1: they're going to do is get you involved in this
Speaker 1: whole wedding situation and then dump your ass after that
Speaker 1: when you got to figure out how to be an
Speaker 1: actual wife, figure that out first, and then keep it pushing.
Speaker 2: Sound like you was all right, somebody triggered You's just
Speaker 2: not you know what.
Speaker 1: It's a couple of things. It's me having PTSD for
Speaker 1: our wedding. Okay, it's having that. And it's just like
Speaker 1: it makes so much sense, Like these people are speaking
Speaker 1: from a place of maturity that I had not seen
Speaker 1: at twenty seven years old. Had I known that, we
Speaker 1: would have had a much smaller wedding with way fewer people,
Speaker 1: and we'd have been on our merry way, things would
Speaker 1: have panned out differently. I just wish somebody had told
Speaker 1: me that early on, and they might have, but I
Speaker 1: was stubborn in that moment, and I'll accept that.
Speaker 3: You know, there are over eleven thousand languages on the planet,
Speaker 3: and today you chose to speak facts.
Speaker 2: I don't have nothing else to add. Listen, people will make.
Speaker 3: Comments you denying us a wedding and all this other
Speaker 3: stuff always, but are not willing to contribute because people
Speaker 3: want things to do, they want reasons to get dressed, they.
Speaker 1: Want places to go, they want the instagram moable moments
Speaker 1: when I Deval and I got engaged and we were
Speaker 1: entertaining the idea of a destination wedding, which no longer
Speaker 1: took place because our grandparents, who are the closest to
Speaker 1: us for the most part aside from our immediate parents
Speaker 1: and siblings, couldn't fly or couldn't travel, so we had
Speaker 1: to ex the idea. But initially when I mentioned it,
Speaker 1: we had a couple family members aunts and stuff like, oh,
Speaker 1: I guess we'll see y'all when y'all get back. Oh,
Speaker 1: we'll see you after the wedding. I'm just like nobody
Speaker 1: wanted to even entertain the idea of saying, oh wow,
Speaker 1: a destination wedding sounds like a great idea. Oh you
Speaker 1: know what, we may not be able to make it,
Speaker 1: but or give us enough time so we can plan
Speaker 1: for it because we really would like to be there.
Speaker 1: It was, Oh, well, I guess I see y'all when
Speaker 1: y'all get back. I guess I will see you when
Speaker 1: you get back. This how about that? Because what ended
Speaker 1: up happening is we had the wedding in New York,
Speaker 1: had over three hundred people there, and y'all couldn't put
Speaker 1: a little something in the car that made it worth
Speaker 1: my while. So there goes that. If I get out
Speaker 1: my camera, get out my camera. So long story sources,
Speaker 1: do you go to Hawaii, Elope and they see who
Speaker 1: the real people are that will celebrate y'all once y'all
Speaker 1: get back. Period.
Speaker 3: I got nothing to add she said everything she just said.
Speaker 3: My question is how I respond to these people without
Speaker 3: being rude or sound like I'm justifying. I understand that
Speaker 3: because you don't want to sound like you're justifying. This
Speaker 3: is all you have to say. We love Hawaii, we
Speaker 3: just want to do it with us.
Speaker 2: This is what we want to do.
Speaker 3: You don't have to justify this is just we just
Speaker 3: love it. It's a romantic, it's what we dreamed of.
Speaker 1: And be like, hey, I don't have to be rounded
Speaker 1: with a bridle shower. If y'all really want me to
Speaker 1: have a bridle shower, go ahead and throw on fee
Speaker 1: the other day and I'll be there.
Speaker 2: Yep, that's it.
Speaker 3: That's all you have to Do's just be like, this
Speaker 3: is our dream, this is what we want to do.
Speaker 3: If you want to throw me something, throw me, but.
Speaker 2: This is what we want to do.
Speaker 1: Y'all can play y'all's wedding and I'll be there for
Speaker 1: that too, maybe.
Speaker 2: And I'm gonna go get some waters.
Speaker 3: Clearly she hot over there, her head if you're not listening,
Speaker 3: if you're not watching, if you listen to her, hat
Speaker 3: almost popped off ahead a couple of times.
Speaker 1: Nah man, I'm just sick of people trying to please
Speaker 1: everybody else Like I just I don't do that anymore.
Speaker 1: That's thanks to you, though, You've you've You've made me
Speaker 1: that way because I grew up in a space of
Speaker 1: oh my god, what will people think? What will people think?
Speaker 1: And now I'm like I don't give a damn when
Speaker 1: nobody thinks I really don't. Either you hear or you
Speaker 1: ain't makes me no, never mind.
Speaker 2: I mean you're right. I mean you're right. I have
Speaker 2: none to say. You're right. Yeah. I hope that helps
Speaker 2: you do what y'all do, love on each other in Hawaii.
Speaker 1: That's a fact.
Speaker 2: Yes, number four four.
Speaker 3: Okay, So here we go with the exclamation point now
Speaker 3: that I can tell already this is a signing. This
Speaker 3: is long here all right, let's we pause. I have
Speaker 3: never shared this story with anyone. Exclusive a year or
Speaker 3: so ago, I experienced one of the worst moments in
Speaker 3: my life.
Speaker 2: If someone would have told.
Speaker 3: Me this is where I would be or how my
Speaker 3: relation it will go, I would have never believed them.
Speaker 3: I have never talked about this with my family or friends.
Speaker 3: I'm nervous now.
Speaker 2: I'm a survivor of domestic abuse.
Speaker 3: Two days before I went under surgery to determine if
Speaker 3: I had endometrio cancer and why my ovaries were polycystic,
Speaker 3: my boyfriend of many years almost killed me. I will
Speaker 3: never forget the gun to my head, the black eyes,
Speaker 3: the swollen knots on my head, and more. I couldn't
Speaker 3: believe how someone I trusted and was going to spend
Speaker 3: the rest of my life with could do this to me.
Speaker 3: Instead of fighting back, a feeling came over me and
Speaker 3: told me not to fight back because I didn't want
Speaker 3: the gun to go off.
Speaker 2: I would live to see another day.
Speaker 3: So when the next day came, I put on some
Speaker 3: makeup to cover up the bruises and scars and went
Speaker 3: home and never came back. Two days later, I had
Speaker 3: my family take me to the hospital and had the surgery.
Speaker 3: I put makeup on so that no one would notice
Speaker 3: in the hospital or at home what it transpired. I mean,
Speaker 3: I couldn't tell my brothers because that would have become
Speaker 3: a real problem, and I didn't want to face the
Speaker 3: shame I felt for having gone through that.
Speaker 2: It took me a long time to recover.
Speaker 3: While this is hard to read, because I was suffering
Speaker 3: from many things, not just the surgery itself or the
Speaker 3: knots and bruises, but from the mental and emotional toll
Speaker 3: it took on me healing from abruptly ending a relationship
Speaker 3: with him that was almost in a decade. Almost a
Speaker 3: decade in I honestly believe that God had his hand
Speaker 3: on me. He definitely did, because he saved my life,
Speaker 3: and not only that, he gave me peace. But now
Speaker 3: I am dating again, and I'm trying to fight the
Speaker 3: nervousness that I am getting I feel getting to know
Speaker 3: a new man when I haven't dated in a very
Speaker 3: long time, and the silent shame that I feel having
Speaker 3: to start over while I'm nearing thirty.
Speaker 2: Do not be shamed for that. Mom, Do not be
Speaker 2: shamed for that.
Speaker 3: My question for both of you is what kind of
Speaker 3: advice could you give moving forward if this was someone
Speaker 3: you knew who was starting to date after such a
Speaker 3: traumatic experience.
Speaker 2: PS. I've been watching you all on ig since the beginning,
Speaker 2: and I'm happy to see you all. For her shame,
Speaker 2: this is the first. Yeah, this is the first thing
Speaker 2: that comes to my mind.
Speaker 3: I think that she should see a therapist, someone professional
Speaker 3: to find out.
Speaker 2: Why she felt shame, so that she can deal with
Speaker 2: why she felt shame.
Speaker 3: First and to because first of all, you could tell
Speaker 3: she's already strong because she had the strength enough to
Speaker 3: leave I was. You know what I'm saying, so many
Speaker 3: abused people stay in abusive relationships. The fact that she
Speaker 3: had the mental fororder to to leave is already like boom.
Speaker 3: But I do think she should see someone to speak
Speaker 3: to find out why she felt shame, to help her
Speaker 3: unpack all of this. And after that, I think she
Speaker 3: should tell her parents and her brother. She should feel
Speaker 3: safe around the people she loves.
Speaker 1: The most about the repercussions because I know, oh yeah,
Speaker 1: God forbid that was your sister.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, there's nothing stopping me from killing. There's nothing
Speaker 3: stopping me. There's nothing stopping me from protecting the women
Speaker 3: in my family.
Speaker 2: I'll do a bit. I don't care like you like
Speaker 2: something like that.
Speaker 1: I don't care, right, And I know you said that
Speaker 1: you're nearing thirty and having to start over. I think
Speaker 1: the rhetoric that we've always been fed is that, you know,
Speaker 1: thirty is that downhill portion for everyone in life. Right,
Speaker 1: Twenties are supposed to be the point that's revered by
Speaker 1: so many. You want to stay in your twenties. That's
Speaker 1: why you joke about me forever. Life is not over
Speaker 1: at thirty or nearing thirty. Life is barely begun, you know.
Speaker 3: I mean, she's followed us, and she knows that our
Speaker 3: thirties from like the past eight to nine years have
Speaker 3: been the best part of our life so far.
Speaker 1: For sure, for sure. And I know it's particularly difficult
Speaker 1: for women because she also mentioned having surgery for the
Speaker 1: you know, the polycistic over things like that, so I
Speaker 1: know that that too is probably in the back of
Speaker 1: her mind, like most women, is like I have this
Speaker 1: clock that takes right, this biological clock that's saying, okay,
Speaker 1: you need to have children by a certain point. And
Speaker 1: if that's what she desires, and clearly she desires to
Speaker 1: be in a relationship because she wants to start dating again,
Speaker 1: and that's going to be hard to get past that
Speaker 1: trust issue, port but you can start over at thirty,
Speaker 1: for sure.
Speaker 3: I just got to applaud her again for being so
Speaker 3: strong one for leaving, but then to have the strength
Speaker 3: to say I want to start dating again. You know
Speaker 3: how many people go through something like this, They either
Speaker 3: don't leave or then when they leave, say I don't
Speaker 3: ever want to be with anybody again. Like one thing
Speaker 3: I will say, this woman has a lot of strength,
Speaker 3: a whole lot of strength. So I got to applaud
Speaker 3: you on that. And if you're listening, well you are
Speaker 3: going to be listening. First of all, thank you for sharing. Yeah,
Speaker 3: but also sharing so that if someone else is going
Speaker 3: through this, who's listening to that as podcasts understand that
Speaker 3: it takes a lot of strength to leave, but it
Speaker 3: is possible to protect yourself and your well being by leaving.
Speaker 3: So thank you for sharing your story and giving hope
Speaker 3: to people who are dealing with domestic abuse or are
Speaker 3: survivors of domestic abuse that you're not alone, right, I.
Speaker 1: Think you need to definitely heal. It's what you also
Speaker 1: don't want to do is take this into a relationship
Speaker 1: with somebody else and having them pay the price for
Speaker 1: what's happened to you past as well.
Speaker 3: And you shouldn't have to keep reliving this, so you
Speaker 3: have to Yeah, I think you should speak to someone
Speaker 3: professionally to find a way to heal.
Speaker 2: Holy, don't just on heel that I forgot about it.
Speaker 3: No, heal understand, don't blame yourself, no shame, and also
Speaker 3: find the strength in the healing process to speak to
Speaker 3: your parents and your brothers about it so that you
Speaker 3: can feel protected. So now alone, Yeah, not feel alone.
Speaker 3: You know you're going through this next phase in life.
Speaker 3: If you know your brothers are going to be there
Speaker 3: to at least be aware of what's happening. You have
Speaker 3: other eyes on you, you know, like at least you
Speaker 3: know someone's watching your back. That'll give you comfort, so
Speaker 3: that if you're in a private place with someone, you
Speaker 3: can feel secure because you know, my family knows what
Speaker 3: I've been through and they know how to support me.
Speaker 1: So yeah, that luck. Thanks for writing in. All right,
Speaker 1: number five? What's going on? Ellis? My name is Terry
Speaker 1: and I'm your number one fan. All right, Terry, I've
Speaker 1: been rocking with you too, from videos from Brooklyn with
Speaker 1: the two boys now four hole princes get it sis
Speaker 1: Kadeen development of fans since the Detroit Day as well.
Speaker 1: I was actually pre go pray go with my oldest
Speaker 1: son when you was on the team. Oh that's dope.
Speaker 1: But now fast forward. I'm a big fan of winning
Speaker 1: in happiness. So happy for you too. I wish you
Speaker 1: well and all your endeavors. Just so happy. Side note
Speaker 1: book on order hard copy. Thank you for that, Thank you,
Speaker 1: Just so happy for the two of you. Appreciate that says.
Speaker 1: This is feeling like an appreciation moment and not a
Speaker 1: listener litter question. But we appreciate y'all so much. My
Speaker 1: days sometimes start off wrong so I either hear your podcast,
Speaker 1: watch a video, or something that makes my day go
Speaker 1: all the way right. Deval, keep on protecting and providing
Speaker 1: for your family. And if you ever wonder if you're
Speaker 1: doing anything right in life, let me tell you that
Speaker 1: you are. Kadeen honey, honey, Let me give you your flowers.
Speaker 1: Cis your beautiful inside out. And I just love your
Speaker 1: relationship with your husband, also showing that you can be
Speaker 1: sexy for your husband and nothing is wrong with that.
Speaker 1: I love you both. Oh, this was actually just and
Speaker 1: a little appreciation. Oh that was cue. Thank you for
Speaker 1: throwing that in there. Trible because there wasn't a question there,
Speaker 1: But no, we honestly appreciate the love and the fact
Speaker 1: that she said the book on order of the hard copy.
Speaker 1: That means that people really listen. Because when we were
Speaker 1: approaching this whole book thing and then realizing like, wow,
Speaker 1: there's an opportunity to make the New York Times bestseller list,
Speaker 1: there's so many different hoops and variables that are you
Speaker 1: have to jump through and that you have to take
Speaker 1: into consideration to make the New York Times bestseller list.
Speaker 1: So it's not just about people. You know, an audiobook
Speaker 1: and numbers. It's about a buzz around it. And I
Speaker 1: mean our our team. I say our team, orders don't
Speaker 1: like y'all team, our family, Like we love y'all for
Speaker 1: really just always being in support of us. You know,
Speaker 1: every new venture for me, at least I know, not
Speaker 1: devout per se for me is like a moment where
Speaker 1: I get a little bit of anxiety because I'm just like,
Speaker 1: I don't know how this is going to be received.
Speaker 1: And the book being a medium that I know is
Speaker 1: something that can.
Speaker 3: Live on for like ever, they will never take they
Speaker 3: can never take that away from and take that away
Speaker 3: from us, and for that.
Speaker 2: They can never take that from y'all.
Speaker 3: Like y'all are responsible for helping the Ealysis become New
Speaker 3: York Times bestsellers. This is a young Brooklyn couple came
Speaker 3: from humble backgrounds case families from the Islands. My family
Speaker 3: is from the South, and we just building and doing
Speaker 3: it together with all of you. So as long as
Speaker 3: you continue to rock with us, we'll still keep rising
Speaker 3: because we're going to still keep working.
Speaker 1: Now. We appreciate that for sure, because some days I'd
Speaker 1: be ready to clock out. I'd be tapped out, y'all.
Speaker 1: But this keeps us going, so thank you for that.
Speaker 3: Yes, thank you, and that was a good one. Right
Speaker 3: before we get down to number six, This is the
Speaker 3: last listener letter.
Speaker 1: And you can tell this is a long one. Well,
Speaker 1: that means that Broers came in with the deeps.
Speaker 3: Yeah, they got the details. Let me get the deep Shoot,
Speaker 3: this looks like a series right here. This isn't even
Speaker 3: a novel.
Speaker 1: Y'all over here given inspiration for films and whatnot?
Speaker 2: Right you two aren't such an inspiration. Thank you so much.
Speaker 3: I love listening to your podcast and seeing your beautiful
Speaker 3: family on social media. This is pretty long, so please
Speaker 3: bear with me. It's a very difficult topic. There's so
Speaker 3: much to the story, but I'll do my best to
Speaker 3: paint a clear picture for you. I come from a
Speaker 3: very religious, traditional household. I am a half white, half
Speaker 3: Filipino woman dating a black man. We've been together for
Speaker 3: nine years now. I always knew my parents wouldn't approve
Speaker 3: of him. They told me as a young teen to
Speaker 3: never date black men. But you can be friends with them.
Speaker 3: They claim they're not racist, but have said a lot
Speaker 3: of racist things. They are, more so what you would
Speaker 3: call covert or hidden racist. When they found out about
Speaker 3: my man a year later. A year after a year
Speaker 3: later of us dating, they said he would not work
Speaker 3: in the family. Their reasons were because he comes from
Speaker 3: a broken family, is not afflic and does not make
Speaker 3: enough money, but mainly because he's black. Despite the terrible
Speaker 3: things they've said about him, my man agreed to meet
Speaker 3: them better than me and my entire family. When they
Speaker 3: eventually invited him over for Easter. My parents thought they'd
Speaker 3: give him a chance. They would invite him for every
Speaker 3: holiday get together and he would come to a gathering
Speaker 3: about once a year or so, and after about five
Speaker 3: years of us dating, he decided to not go around
Speaker 3: them anymore, which I stand by him on that because
Speaker 3: my parents were still saying demeaning comments behind his back.
Speaker 3: At this point, what they are saying was not about race,
Speaker 3: but about him as a human being, which will always
Speaker 3: have the racist undertone because they started out with racism.
Speaker 2: They didn't take our relationships seriously.
Speaker 3: My mom would make comments like, oh, maybe you'll meet
Speaker 3: a cute guy there, even though I've been in a
Speaker 3: relationship for five years at that point, my parents have
Speaker 3: the nerve to view him not coming around as disrespectful.
Speaker 3: After years of him not coming around and my parents
Speaker 3: not admitting that they've said what they said was wrong.
Speaker 3: We are at a point where we're wondering what are
Speaker 3: we going to do in this relationship, because honestly, I'm
Speaker 3: having a hard time cutting my parents off. He wants
Speaker 3: nothing to do with them. Ever, I don't blame them
Speaker 3: whether we get married, have kids, etc. Which I totally understand.
Speaker 3: I know parents are a huge piece in our lives,
Speaker 3: so I always crave this connection with them. But if
Speaker 3: I'm standing on my own morals, I feel like they
Speaker 3: need to be at a far distance. I don't know
Speaker 3: how to set this boundary because I'm so used to
Speaker 3: big families coming together for every birthday, holiday, etc. And
Speaker 3: now to cut that off feels alien to me. What's
Speaker 3: crazy is if my parents were some random people to me,
Speaker 3: I cut them off in a heartbeat. But they're my parents.
Speaker 3: My parents have provided me with everything I've ever needed
Speaker 3: growing up. They've helped me, They've helped make life easier
Speaker 3: for me. They didn't do a good job of being
Speaker 3: there emotionally, but I still give them their credit for
Speaker 3: everything they've done for me and my siblings. To this day,
Speaker 3: they still reach out to tell me they love me
Speaker 3: and support me, but they're racist and won't try to
Speaker 3: heal them and won't try to heal the relationship with
Speaker 3: my men for how they've disrespect him. They believe we
Speaker 3: should just put everything in the past typical and move
Speaker 3: on and stop talking about it. They think we can
Speaker 3: just move on by getting together and creating good memories
Speaker 3: and that's all we got to do to make things better.
Speaker 3: But that ain't cutting it for us. Unfortunately, they may
Speaker 3: never change the way they think. How can I help
Speaker 3: my man feel safe that he doesn't have to worry
Speaker 3: about what my parents say or do anymore? And how
Speaker 3: do I live my life with racist parents that'll always
Speaker 3: be painful, that always painfully love and care about you.
Speaker 1: Well, first of all, you can't help him feel safe
Speaker 1: and worry about what your parents say, because that's who
Speaker 1: your parents are, unfortunately, And I don't blame him for
Speaker 1: not coming around. Why would you want to be in
Speaker 1: a space where you feel disrespected because of them not
Speaker 1: even trying to get to know him. Have they ever
Speaker 1: tried to get to know him? Or is it just
Speaker 1: a thing where they just have blacklisted him off the
Speaker 1: bat because he's black?
Speaker 2: There's two things.
Speaker 3: The first thing is and this is just let me
Speaker 3: speak until before anyone says anything.
Speaker 2: I have four sons. We have four sons.
Speaker 3: We often talk about hoping our sons find someone who
Speaker 3: supports them.
Speaker 2: And loves them and helps them in some way.
Speaker 3: Right, We also as people have been divided, right, and
Speaker 3: these parents have a daughter, and they have their idea
Speaker 3: what they want for their daughter. Your mom wasn't the
Speaker 3: nicest to me when I first came around. We talked
Speaker 3: about that your mom wasn't racist. But we're also both black.
Speaker 3: But here's the truth. Some people in other cultures, because
Speaker 3: of how black people are misrepresented in the media and
Speaker 3: in society, are going to fear their child or sons
Speaker 3: or daughters dating a black person or being with a
Speaker 3: black person because of all the ignorant things that the
Speaker 3: media has presented as black culture. Right, you have to
Speaker 3: understand that you can't make it seem like that doesn't exist.
Speaker 3: But we all so as people, have a responsibility to
Speaker 3: educate ourselves on what is real and what is fake.
Speaker 3: When your parents choose to not educate themselves on what
Speaker 3: true blackness is and just follow based on what they
Speaker 3: believe and use stereotypes and tropes. Even if they say
Speaker 3: they're not racist, they are racists, right. And as a
Speaker 3: black father, this is part of the reason why I
Speaker 3: fear my sons marrying outside of their race.
Speaker 2: Right. I'm just gonna be honest and upfront. My issue
Speaker 2: isn't even with the girl.
Speaker 3: I don't care if you're white, if you're Latin, ex
Speaker 3: if you're Asian or Indian. I know how black people,
Speaker 3: black men in particular, are viewed in other cultures. My
Speaker 3: fear is that your daughter may love my child with
Speaker 3: all her heart, but there may be somebody in your
Speaker 3: family or your friend group who do not like my son.
Speaker 3: And far too often in this country, black men and
Speaker 3: black women go on vacations and go places with groups
Speaker 3: outside of their black friends and don't come to.
Speaker 2: That is my fear.
Speaker 3: Situations like this where his blackness isn't accepted, but they
Speaker 3: try to accept it, and then you find yourself not
Speaker 3: feeling safe because you're in situations where people are saying
Speaker 3: demeaning and condescending comments. And no one should have to
Speaker 3: live like that. And when people ask me all the time,
Speaker 3: like Duville, what do you feel about interracial relationships, It's
Speaker 3: like I'm not anti white, anti Asian, anti Indian, anti
Speaker 3: Latin X. I fear my child won't be accepted because
Speaker 3: they're black. And my fear isn't even that they won't
Speaker 3: be accepted by the person that loves them. My fear
Speaker 3: is the people that they are around around exactly.
Speaker 1: And it couldn't even just see that her parents. Her
Speaker 1: parents can eventually learn to say, you know what, I'm
Speaker 1: going to learn who this man is and love him
Speaker 1: for who he is because he loves and takes care
Speaker 1: of my daughter. But then there may be the extended
Speaker 1: families get those comments from as well. You know, I
Speaker 1: have family members who have been married into different races,
Speaker 1: and one in particular, like my cousin's family. I should say,
Speaker 1: my cousin's in laws at one point kind of when
Speaker 1: they first met her, would like make fun of the
Speaker 1: way her name was pronounced. And it's like, if you
Speaker 1: can take the time to learn other people's names, you
Speaker 1: need to call her by her right name. Absolutely, don't
Speaker 1: give her a nickname, don't tell her she looks like
Speaker 1: she should be a this or that. This is her name,
Speaker 1: and you need to respect her enough to call her
Speaker 1: by her name. And this wasn't his immediate parents. It
Speaker 1: was some uncle in the family, you know, and try
Speaker 1: to make it a joke, and I'm like, it's just
Speaker 1: not funny at all, at all, at all. I agree,
Speaker 1: I agree with what you said.
Speaker 3: The reason why my bad go ahead, finish, fir No,
Speaker 3: it's fine, and I was just The reason why I
Speaker 3: wanted to give that context is because a lot of
Speaker 3: times people outside of our race don't understand this.
Speaker 2: They ask questions, how could I make my husband feel safe.
Speaker 3: It's going to be impossible to make him feel safe
Speaker 3: if he doesn't feel respected as a human.
Speaker 1: If he doesn't actually feel safe, right, No, no, no,
Speaker 1: no no.
Speaker 3: If he doesn't feel respected as a human, he's just
Speaker 3: not gonna feel safe because if you can't respect me
Speaker 3: as a human, you don't value my life.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 2: People value the life of other people that they consider
Speaker 2: to be human. Right.
Speaker 3: Part of the issue with America is that they've dehumanized
Speaker 3: black people so much that it's easy to watch black trauma.
Speaker 3: It's easy to watch a black man be killed in
Speaker 3: the street. It's easy to watch a black woman get
Speaker 3: killed or rape. Then no one says anything about it because, oh,
Speaker 3: it's just a black person. But if you notice when
Speaker 3: other things happen to people of other culture, you don't
Speaker 3: see it on the news cycle over and over again.
Speaker 3: It's this is too explicit to watch, but when it's
Speaker 3: black bodies, let's just keep replaying it. And I keep
Speaker 3: saying this because I want people to understand why black
Speaker 3: parents fear their children dating outside of their race. This
Speaker 3: is a fear of mine, right, Like I'm not saying
Speaker 3: this is I don't ever want my my son is
Speaker 3: to ever date outside their race.
Speaker 2: This is my fear.
Speaker 3: My black son, in all of his sweetness, one of
Speaker 3: them and all of his his greatness, meets a woman
Speaker 3: outside of his race, and that woman falls in love
Speaker 3: with my son and they're just enjoying their time, and
Speaker 3: they're just doing, you know, and enjoying each other's company.
Speaker 2: And she invites him to some place away from where we.
Speaker 3: Are comfortable, and my son is there, and everybody who's
Speaker 3: watched the second Avatar can relate to this.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah.
Speaker 3: The thing I enjoyed about this scene in Avatar was
Speaker 3: that it wasn't black and white. It was two different
Speaker 3: tribes of the same alien species, but they were slightly
Speaker 3: different colors. They were different so the brothers took him
Speaker 3: out there into the ocean and led him to a
Speaker 3: place that was dangerous and he could have died, but
Speaker 3: they thought it was funny because it's like, oh, he's
Speaker 3: just the this and they led him out there to
Speaker 3: play this little game with him. It happens to black
Speaker 3: people all the time because we've been devalued so much
Speaker 3: as a people. When things happen to us, other people
Speaker 3: think it's funny, and if someone loses their life or
Speaker 3: gets hurt, it's not funny to us. All my fear
Speaker 3: is something like this happening to one of my sons,
Speaker 3: and it has nothing to do with the young lady
Speaker 3: because she is willing to terminate her relationship with her
Speaker 3: family because of the way they disrespected her man. But
Speaker 3: to me, the damage has already been done, and we've
Speaker 3: dealt with this on a more close situation. Of course,
Speaker 3: because everyone in our friends group and family group don't
Speaker 3: agree to be on the podcast, we don't want to
Speaker 3: say names, but we've dealt with one of our friends
Speaker 3: being in a serious relationship with someone outside of our
Speaker 3: culture and their family disowned them and refused to even
Speaker 3: speak to or include this friend of ours. And we
Speaker 3: watched how much that hurt not only the friend of ours,
Speaker 3: but the young lady that whose family they pretty much
Speaker 3: excommunicated her.
Speaker 1: And then have the nerve to turn around and be like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: just just forget about it now, you know, just just
Speaker 1: like that generation, the parents, that generation of just forgetting
Speaker 1: about stuff and expecting every Oh it's been so long
Speaker 1: since that happened. Oh that happened so many years ago.
Speaker 1: But no one wants to actually address the issue so
Speaker 1: the healing process can take place to then move forward.
Speaker 1: So I feel for her. I feel for her because
Speaker 1: I know with me. For example, when you and my
Speaker 1: mom had y'all little tiff in the beginning, you know,
Speaker 1: it was a divide, like I of course had to
Speaker 1: go see my parents, but also too, I knew you
Speaker 1: weren't comfortable, so I didn't force you to be in
Speaker 1: that environment in space where you didn't feel welcome. But
Speaker 1: I eventually had to put my foot down and be like,
Speaker 1: this is my life, Like this is going to be
Speaker 1: the person I spend the rest of my life with,
Speaker 1: have children with, Like this is what I see for
Speaker 1: my future. So as a woman, I had to be
Speaker 1: woman enough. I think in that moment to be like
Speaker 1: mom and dad, this is what it is. You known't
Speaker 1: added layer there for her though with the racial thing.
Speaker 3: But I think that she's doing what is in the
Speaker 3: best interest of her and her relationship. But she keeps
Speaker 3: asking what does she do about her racist parents. Your
Speaker 3: parents are adults. They have a responsibility. If they want
Speaker 3: to be in your life and have a relationship with you,
Speaker 3: they need to educate themselves on how they can make
Speaker 3: things better.
Speaker 2: It's not on you to constantly educate them.
Speaker 3: Now, you can help in that process, but if they're
Speaker 3: not taking the initiative to learn, it's a lost cause.
Speaker 2: It's a lost cause.
Speaker 3: And I would say, you know, you and your boyfriend
Speaker 3: at the time, try to build the life you can
Speaker 3: without having that level of ignorance around you. You know,
Speaker 3: and if you plan on having children, make sure that
Speaker 3: your children are aware of the ignorance that exists around them,
Speaker 3: and make sure that they can be better than your parents.
Speaker 1: And that becomes hard because say they do have children,
Speaker 1: and and now her boyfriend who may eventually become her
Speaker 1: husband and now the father of her children, what if
Speaker 1: he decides like yo, I don't want my children in
Speaker 1: an environment where they may not be respected or received
Speaker 1: because they're now half black, you know, or they may
Speaker 1: be around rhetoric that is racist. Absolutely, So then that
Speaker 1: becomes what now an identity issue for your children. It
Speaker 1: becomes an issue of just disrespect. You know, there's so
Speaker 1: many added layers once you start adding children to a
Speaker 1: picture too. So that's something I think needs to be
Speaker 1: healed and addressed. Even before that step is taken.
Speaker 3: All you just say fuck them, because if it was
Speaker 3: my kids and I like say, this was the issue
Speaker 3: with our families and I loved you so much and
Speaker 3: I knew we were gonna build something great, then fuck them. Yeah,
Speaker 3: you know, like we have to build what's we have
Speaker 3: to create our own family and build moving forward. Like
Speaker 3: your parents, Yes, they provided you with everything you have
Speaker 3: and they've done their job, but they also don't get
Speaker 3: to be ignorant and racist just because they provided you
Speaker 3: with a life that.
Speaker 2: They gave you. You didn't ask to come here.
Speaker 3: They had a responsibility to provide you with the things
Speaker 3: you needed to be successful because they created you. They
Speaker 3: did their job, and now you can move on like
Speaker 3: there's no there is in this day and age, with
Speaker 3: all the information we have there is no excuse for ignorance,
Speaker 3: no excuse for ignorance. Protect your peace, miss protect your peace,
Speaker 3: protect your man's peace, and continue to build moving forward.
Speaker 3: And if your parents don't want to get better and better,
Speaker 3: that's on them.
Speaker 1: Leave them in the past period period poot. All right, y'all,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for writing in listener letters. Is
Speaker 1: always a great episode for us. We enjoy hearing from y'all.
Speaker 1: Thank you for the love and the support at all
Speaker 1: the listener letters. I feel like in the beginning, before
Speaker 1: they even start their story always you know, course it
Speaker 1: to us and we love y'all for that, and we
Speaker 1: thank you continue to write in. We will continue to
Speaker 1: sift through what we won't Trible will she'll sift through,
Speaker 1: and she'll definitely make sure we're putting in some awesome
Speaker 1: listener letters to make sure that you guys get to
Speaker 1: hear a perspective. Again, we don't profess to be professionals.
Speaker 1: We're not experts in anything really, but we love that
Speaker 1: you guys feel comfortable enough with the space that we
Speaker 1: provide to not be judged, but to just kind of
Speaker 1: help you hash through some moments. So if you want
Speaker 1: to be featured as one of our listener letters. Be
Speaker 1: sure to email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail
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