WEBVTT - 5 Lessons from Grief, Brain Hacks for Focus, Finding Closure, & a Game-Changing Parenting Tip 0:00:06.840 --> 0:00:19.040 Good cats up thing, little food for yourself life. Oh 0:00:19.120 --> 0:00:22.800 it's pretty, but hey, it's pretty beautiful thing beautiful. That 0:00:22.960 --> 0:00:29.520 for a little more exciting, said, he cut your kicking 0:00:30.000 --> 0:00:32.760 with four Thing with Amy Brown. 0:00:32.960 --> 0:00:33.680 Happy Thursday. 0:00:33.680 --> 0:00:37.320 Four Things Amy here, and I got four totally different 0:00:37.400 --> 0:00:39.760 things for you. So what we call an OG four 0:00:39.800 --> 0:00:42.040 things episode. Now, the first thing I'm going to get 0:00:42.040 --> 0:00:44.559 into is a heartfelt email that I got from a listener, 0:00:44.960 --> 0:00:48.400 and she's sharing with us five lessons that grief has 0:00:48.440 --> 0:00:52.640 taught her. She unexpectedly lost her husband and her story 0:00:52.760 --> 0:00:56.520 is very very powerful. Second thing, I got more brain 0:00:56.720 --> 0:00:59.520 exercises for you. Yeah, you'll like the ones that Kat 0:00:59.560 --> 0:01:01.480 and I went over. We're on Tuesday, so I've got 0:01:01.520 --> 0:01:04.640 some more that'll help you boost concentration and beat distraction. 0:01:05.200 --> 0:01:07.679 And then the third thing is going to be about closure. 0:01:08.240 --> 0:01:11.880 Sometimes we crave it and we get stuck in a 0:01:12.200 --> 0:01:17.319 y trap and we can't move forward unless we have 0:01:17.440 --> 0:01:19.840 that full closure. So I've got some tips for you 0:01:19.920 --> 0:01:22.560 on that. This is something I had to revisit for 0:01:22.680 --> 0:01:25.240 myself recently, so I thought it might be helpful for you. 0:01:25.680 --> 0:01:28.440 And then the fourth thing, I've got a game changing 0:01:28.560 --> 0:01:32.320 tip for parents or co parents. I mean, this episode 0:01:32.440 --> 0:01:35.440 is definitely a mix of some heartfelt stuff and just 0:01:35.520 --> 0:01:38.800 really practical helpful things, So hope you enjoy it. Here 0:01:38.800 --> 0:01:44.120 we go, first man, Right, yeah, all right. So the 0:01:44.200 --> 0:01:47.680 other day I was in my four Things podcast email 0:01:47.720 --> 0:01:50.160 inbox and I saw an email come in from a 0:01:50.200 --> 0:01:53.320 listener named Audra, and in the subject line it said 0:01:53.360 --> 0:01:57.080 grateful young widow. So I clicked on it, knowing that 0:01:57.440 --> 0:01:59.800 it's probably going to be on the heavier side of things. 0:02:00.400 --> 0:02:03.200 And as of course, as I read the email, I thought, oh, 0:02:03.200 --> 0:02:06.920 my gosh, I can't even imagine going through what she 0:02:07.000 --> 0:02:09.600 went through, And I'm thankful that she's sharing some of 0:02:09.639 --> 0:02:11.200 her story in the email, and I'll read that to 0:02:11.240 --> 0:02:13.840 you in just a second. What I was very grateful 0:02:13.880 --> 0:02:16.200 for that she included was in the email she talked 0:02:16.200 --> 0:02:19.120 about how at the five year anniversary of her husband's death, 0:02:19.880 --> 0:02:22.919 she decided to compile the top five lessons that grief 0:02:22.960 --> 0:02:26.320 has taught her, and she took screenshot of that of 0:02:26.360 --> 0:02:28.480 what she put on socials at the five year mark, 0:02:28.480 --> 0:02:30.360 and she attached it at the bottom of the email, 0:02:30.360 --> 0:02:33.440 along with a picture of her and her kids from 0:02:33.480 --> 0:02:37.440 this last Christmas and a picture of her husband Ryan, 0:02:38.200 --> 0:02:40.639 So I love when there are photos I can put 0:02:40.639 --> 0:02:43.600 a face to a name. And I'm just very thankful 0:02:43.720 --> 0:02:46.680 to Audra for opening up and sharing some of her 0:02:46.760 --> 0:02:51.080 story with us. And I know that this will be 0:02:51.080 --> 0:02:54.400 helpful for somebody listening right now. You may not be 0:02:54.600 --> 0:02:59.239 grieving the loss of a significant other, maybe grieving something 0:02:59.280 --> 0:03:03.400 else in lifefe, but whatever you take from this, I 0:03:03.480 --> 0:03:06.720 know that it'll be helpful, whether for now or stick 0:03:06.760 --> 0:03:13.120 it in your pocket for later, because grief is unavoidable. Hey, Amy, 0:03:13.600 --> 0:03:15.280 I wanted to share with you that I love listening 0:03:15.320 --> 0:03:17.160 to the Bobby Bone Show and I look forward to 0:03:17.200 --> 0:03:19.840 Tuesdays and Thursdays to hear your little nuggets of wisdom 0:03:19.880 --> 0:03:22.680 for the week. They somehow always resonate with whatever I'm 0:03:22.720 --> 0:03:25.600 thinking about or going through at the moment. Five and 0:03:25.600 --> 0:03:28.080 a half years ago, my husband Ryan, who was forty 0:03:28.080 --> 0:03:31.800 three at the time, unexpectedly passed away. He had an 0:03:31.919 --> 0:03:36.080 undiagnosed heart condition, went into cardiac arrest and crashed while 0:03:36.160 --> 0:03:40.360 driving into work one rainy August morning. Because his heart 0:03:40.360 --> 0:03:43.880 had stopped, he went without oxygen for too long and 0:03:43.880 --> 0:03:47.200 suffered severe brain damage. He was put on life support 0:03:47.200 --> 0:03:49.480 and I had to make the decision to finally let 0:03:49.520 --> 0:03:52.880 him go. I suddenly became a widow at the age 0:03:52.920 --> 0:03:57.680 of forty two, with three young children to raise. Alexa 0:03:57.760 --> 0:04:01.560 had just turned fourteen in July, Olivia turned eleven five 0:04:01.640 --> 0:04:04.880 days after Ryan passed, and my son Jase had just 0:04:04.920 --> 0:04:08.200 turned six in June. As you know, there are so 0:04:08.320 --> 0:04:12.440 many facets to grief, and on the five year anniversary 0:04:12.480 --> 0:04:16.120 of Ryan's death this past year, I shared the top 0:04:16.200 --> 0:04:20.000 of five lessons grief taught me. I knew by being 0:04:20.120 --> 0:04:23.000 vulnerable it had to help someone else who was trying 0:04:23.040 --> 0:04:26.560 to navigate their way through grief. I've heard you talk 0:04:26.600 --> 0:04:30.880 about Pegosa Springs, Colorado often. I've never known anyone else 0:04:30.960 --> 0:04:33.080 to talk about this beautiful, quaint town. 0:04:33.920 --> 0:04:34.200 You see. 0:04:34.240 --> 0:04:36.920 A month before my husband passed away, we drove with 0:04:36.960 --> 0:04:40.800 our three kids from Iowa to meet up with my parents, sister, 0:04:41.440 --> 0:04:44.560 her family, and brother, who all also live in Colorado. 0:04:45.400 --> 0:04:47.800 We all went to Pegosa Springs for a week. We 0:04:47.880 --> 0:04:50.400 later realized it would be the last family vacation we 0:04:50.440 --> 0:04:53.640 would have with Ryan. We made so many memories and 0:04:53.920 --> 0:04:57.520 shared so many laughs on that trip. We even spontaneously 0:04:57.600 --> 0:05:00.719 had our family pictures taken while we were there. I 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:04.080 thank God every day for those photos. I never got 0:05:04.120 --> 0:05:06.320 to visit your sister and brother in law's coffee shop, 0:05:06.400 --> 0:05:09.440 but I desperately want to go back one day. Pagosa 0:05:09.520 --> 0:05:13.280 Springs has a special place in my heart. I appreciate 0:05:13.320 --> 0:05:16.360 the pieces of your life's journey you've shared post divorce, 0:05:16.680 --> 0:05:20.279 navigating new relationships and just trying to do life without 0:05:20.320 --> 0:05:24.400 a partner. Ryan's death was tragic and he will always 0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:27.320 be a part of my life. But without the heart ache, grief, 0:05:27.320 --> 0:05:30.760 and pain, I would not have experienced true love with 0:05:30.920 --> 0:05:33.680 him or had the opportunity to figure out who I am, 0:05:34.040 --> 0:05:36.120 what I want in this life, and what my journey 0:05:36.240 --> 0:05:39.120 is all about. For that, I have gratitude, and while 0:05:39.160 --> 0:05:42.440 I'm not dating currently, if and when the right man 0:05:42.760 --> 0:05:45.800 does come along, I will be going into the relationship 0:05:45.880 --> 0:05:49.520 as the best version of myself and have the ability 0:05:49.560 --> 0:05:53.880 to navigate the challenges of life with confidence, emotional maturity, 0:05:54.200 --> 0:06:00.559 and grace. Kind regards Odra. So that's the email she wrote, 0:06:00.640 --> 0:06:04.800 and then, as I mentioned, she attached what she posted 0:06:04.880 --> 0:06:09.520 on socials for the five year anniversary and the five 0:06:10.000 --> 0:06:12.320 lessons she has learned from grief. So I'm just going 0:06:12.400 --> 0:06:17.440 to read her entire post. In order to heal after loss, 0:06:17.720 --> 0:06:21.200 you have to grieve. Grieving is a powerful emotion that 0:06:21.279 --> 0:06:25.599 evolves from a loss's impact on your heart. The grief 0:06:25.680 --> 0:06:30.560 journey becomes each person's unique story. It is nonlinear and 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:35.920 undefined by timelines or hard fast rules. Five years ago today, 0:06:35.920 --> 0:06:39.000 my husband Ryan was on his way into work. An 0:06:39.160 --> 0:06:43.600 unknown heart condition caused him to suddenly go into cardiac arrest. 0:06:43.960 --> 0:06:46.560 His truck veered off the road and crashed at the 0:06:46.560 --> 0:06:50.200 bottom of a steep ditch. Ryan's heart had stopped for 0:06:50.279 --> 0:06:53.039 too long and the impact of the crash was severe. 0:06:53.680 --> 0:06:56.520 On August twenty first, twenty nineteen, I was told there 0:06:56.560 --> 0:06:59.120 was no hope for recovery, and I had to make 0:06:59.160 --> 0:07:02.719 a decision whether to leave him on life support. Because 0:07:02.720 --> 0:07:06.279 I knew what Ryan's wishes were, I finally let him go. 0:07:07.440 --> 0:07:10.160 The days in ICU with Ryan and the week that 0:07:10.240 --> 0:07:14.760 followed were the hardest, saddest days of my life. My 0:07:14.880 --> 0:07:18.000 journey to healing has taken a lot of time and work. 0:07:18.880 --> 0:07:22.480 I started by trying to pick up the biggest broken pieces. First, 0:07:23.280 --> 0:07:27.080 I found a new normal for the kids, and I 0:07:27.160 --> 0:07:29.960 put my heart and soul into making sure we were 0:07:30.000 --> 0:07:34.760 not only going to survive, but thrive. Working through grief 0:07:34.800 --> 0:07:37.480 and trauma has taught me so much, but I would 0:07:37.480 --> 0:07:44.240 say these are the top five lessons. One. Grief is 0:07:44.280 --> 0:07:47.840 the price you pay for love. Grief has a lot 0:07:47.840 --> 0:07:52.800 of emotions attached to it that don't feel good. There's anger, sadness, 0:07:52.840 --> 0:07:56.680 what ifs, resentment, and so much more. However, it's important 0:07:56.680 --> 0:08:00.000 to remember these feelings wouldn't exist if you hadn't experience 0:08:00.160 --> 0:08:05.400 It's the greatest gift of all love. Two events in 0:08:05.440 --> 0:08:10.000 your life become a before and an after. In the after, 0:08:10.520 --> 0:08:12.800 you're not the same person you are in the before. 0:08:13.520 --> 0:08:16.440 Since Ryan's death, I have been able to connect to 0:08:16.520 --> 0:08:19.800 the lost and forgotten parts of myself. I know I 0:08:19.840 --> 0:08:22.760 can do hard things. I love my people hard and 0:08:22.800 --> 0:08:25.240 make sure that they know and feel my love. I 0:08:25.320 --> 0:08:27.440 know who I am, and I have a clear vision 0:08:27.560 --> 0:08:30.320 of the life I want to create. I find joy 0:08:30.600 --> 0:08:35.400 in life's smallest, simplest moments and cherish time and relationships 0:08:35.440 --> 0:08:36.800 others may take for granted. 0:08:37.880 --> 0:08:38.880 Three. 0:08:39.000 --> 0:08:42.040 I figured out there is meaning behind the five stages 0:08:42.080 --> 0:08:47.199 of grief denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. As I look 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:50.360 back on my own grief journey, I saw myself in 0:08:50.440 --> 0:08:54.120 each of those stages without even realizing it. If you 0:08:54.120 --> 0:08:56.400 are open to it, a good therapist can help you 0:08:56.600 --> 0:09:00.000 unpack and identify the why behind the mix of emotions 0:09:00.120 --> 0:09:00.600 your feeling. 0:09:01.679 --> 0:09:04.480 Four. Gratitude is a gift. 0:09:05.240 --> 0:09:07.920 However, it took me a long time to find it 0:09:08.320 --> 0:09:11.240 after a traumatic loss, it is very difficult to see 0:09:11.280 --> 0:09:15.120 gratitude amongst the anger, sadness, and tears. By giving myself 0:09:15.160 --> 0:09:17.960 grace and space, it has allowed me to see the 0:09:18.000 --> 0:09:21.120 blessings that I still had in front of me. A 0:09:21.120 --> 0:09:25.360 piece of healing is eventually finding the rainbow after the storm. 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:31.920 Five It's okay to not be okay. There are times 0:09:32.080 --> 0:09:35.280 when grief will still sneak up on you out of nowhere, 0:09:36.200 --> 0:09:39.040 But you know your healing when you were able to 0:09:39.080 --> 0:09:42.960 acknowledge your feelings, let yourself feel what you need to feel, 0:09:43.320 --> 0:09:47.040 and move forward without staying under the black cloud that 0:09:47.120 --> 0:09:51.040 grief can put you under. So there you go the 0:09:51.160 --> 0:09:54.360 five lessons grief has taught her, and she shared that 0:09:54.480 --> 0:09:59.320 on the five year anniversary of her husband's passing. So Odre, 0:09:59.360 --> 0:10:02.120 thank you so much much for sharing some of your 0:10:02.160 --> 0:10:06.240 story with us, and I really hope you get to 0:10:06.280 --> 0:10:10.360 go back to Pagosa one day and take your kids 0:10:10.520 --> 0:10:13.600 and relive some of those memories that you'll had and 0:10:13.720 --> 0:10:16.480 have some of the laughter, and it'll feel like your 0:10:16.559 --> 0:10:19.640 husband is there with you. Maybe even one day you 0:10:19.679 --> 0:10:23.319 go with a new partner and you find a partner 0:10:23.400 --> 0:10:26.400 that will allow Ryan to still be a part of 0:10:26.440 --> 0:10:29.559 your life, a part of your family, part of your kids' lives. 0:10:29.880 --> 0:10:32.360 Believe it or not, there are some people that may 0:10:32.360 --> 0:10:35.680 not be able to handle something like that, But there 0:10:35.720 --> 0:10:37.559 is someone out there that would be able to take 0:10:37.600 --> 0:10:40.160 a trip like that and really make it special and 0:10:40.280 --> 0:10:44.240 acknowledge all of the memories that were made and create 0:10:44.320 --> 0:10:47.280 new memories with you, but still having that presence of 0:10:47.400 --> 0:10:51.480 Ryan with y'all all the time, without any fear that 0:10:51.880 --> 0:10:55.000 you don't care for them. You only care for Ryan. 0:10:55.200 --> 0:10:59.120 You can still love Ryan and love this new partner. 0:10:59.120 --> 0:11:00.680 And I only share this because Audre and I have 0:11:00.760 --> 0:11:03.120 been emailing back and forth a little bit since she 0:11:03.160 --> 0:11:05.480 sent this note, and I know she's not dating yet, 0:11:05.840 --> 0:11:07.800 and she mentioned that in the email. But there is 0:11:07.920 --> 0:11:12.920 hope and she may find someone at some point, and. 0:11:12.920 --> 0:11:13.320 I don't know. 0:11:13.320 --> 0:11:15.480 In my mind, I'm just picturing them taking a trip 0:11:15.520 --> 0:11:18.840 to Pagosa. All is one big, happy family, and stop 0:11:18.880 --> 0:11:19.760 and buy the coffee shop. 0:11:20.000 --> 0:11:23.160 You gotta go buy Roothhouse. That will definitely be special. 0:11:23.240 --> 0:11:24.240 I love Pagosa. 0:11:24.360 --> 0:11:27.920 If y'all are ever in southern Colorado, definitely swing through. 0:11:28.200 --> 0:11:31.360 Sit in the hot springs, go for a hike, and 0:11:31.400 --> 0:11:33.559 then yeah, Roothhouse Coffee right along the river. 0:11:33.640 --> 0:11:35.000 It's my sister's coffee shop. 0:11:35.040 --> 0:11:38.080 And you can go get a cup of good coffee, 0:11:38.080 --> 0:11:40.280 a latte, or you can even have a cocktail. They 0:11:40.320 --> 0:11:43.959 serve those as well. Really good ranch waters, really good 0:11:44.360 --> 0:11:47.120 cinnamon buns. Now, oh kish Now, I'm just thinking all 0:11:47.120 --> 0:11:49.560 of the amazing things that my sister has on the 0:11:49.600 --> 0:11:52.840 menu there. But I love that you shared some of 0:11:52.880 --> 0:11:54.880 your story with us, Audre, and I know that it 0:11:54.880 --> 0:11:58.600 will resonate with somebody. Whatever it is that you are grieving. 0:11:58.640 --> 0:12:00.880 It may not be the loss of a part. We 0:12:00.960 --> 0:12:03.760 all are going to agrieve in life. It's unavoidable. But 0:12:03.880 --> 0:12:08.760 I specially loved Adra's first lesson that she shared. It's 0:12:08.800 --> 0:12:11.559 the price you pay for love, and that's one of 0:12:11.600 --> 0:12:19.240 the greatest gifts. So thank you, Audra. Second, on Tuesday's 0:12:19.240 --> 0:12:22.560 fifth Thing, Kat and I went over adhd exercises for 0:12:22.640 --> 0:12:26.280 focus and productivity. And today I've got more for you, 0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:30.560 but these are for focus and memory. The first brain 0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:33.760 hack skill exercise. If you heard Kat and I'm talking 0:12:33.840 --> 0:12:36.040 on Tuesday, she really did not like that I was 0:12:36.040 --> 0:12:38.920 calling these brain hacks. So whatever, I just feel like 0:12:38.960 --> 0:12:40.559 that's an easier way to say it. So the first 0:12:40.559 --> 0:12:43.480 brain hack I've got for you is the memory place game. 0:12:43.960 --> 0:12:47.640 And this is best for strengthening your working memory, which 0:12:47.679 --> 0:12:50.800 if you've got ADHD, you struggle with this, But maybe 0:12:50.840 --> 0:12:53.040 you don't have ADHD, but you're like, oh, I am 0:12:53.080 --> 0:12:54.240 having some memory issues. 0:12:54.360 --> 0:12:55.360 This will work for you too. 0:12:55.920 --> 0:12:58.000 So what you need to do is visualize a place 0:12:58.080 --> 0:13:02.080 you know well, like your house. Assign objects or words 0:13:02.320 --> 0:13:05.840 to different rooms. This will help with recall. So an 0:13:05.840 --> 0:13:08.720 example would be if you need to remember your grocery list, 0:13:09.040 --> 0:13:13.560 picture milk in your fridge, bananas on your couch, and 0:13:13.679 --> 0:13:18.160 bread in your bed. Now, the more ridiculous the imagery, 0:13:18.679 --> 0:13:22.600 the easier it is to remember. It's called the memory 0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:25.440 Place game. And I know this sounds a little cuckoo, 0:13:25.880 --> 0:13:30.079 but it works. The second hack is the brain dump method. Now, 0:13:30.120 --> 0:13:32.360 this is best for racing thoughts. 0:13:32.080 --> 0:13:33.280 Or idea overload. 0:13:33.840 --> 0:13:35.560 What you need to do is set a five minute 0:13:35.559 --> 0:13:38.560 timer and write down every thought that is swirling in 0:13:38.600 --> 0:13:41.240 your head. No filtering, you're just right, right, right, right right. 0:13:41.960 --> 0:13:44.600 This helps clear mental clutters so that you can focus 0:13:44.640 --> 0:13:47.800 on what actually matters. And a little bonus tip for 0:13:47.840 --> 0:13:53.720 this is use different color pins for priorities versus random thoughts. 0:13:54.679 --> 0:13:58.880 Third brain hack the dopamine menu. Now, this is for motivation. 0:14:00.000 --> 0:14:04.760 Really will help you be boredom or task paralysis. So 0:14:04.800 --> 0:14:06.160 what you got to do is make a list of 0:14:06.200 --> 0:14:11.400 things that boost your dopamine like music, movement, certain snacks, 0:14:12.320 --> 0:14:14.880 a book that you love, a show. What's something that 0:14:15.000 --> 0:14:18.679 boosts your dopamine and when you need motivation, pick one 0:14:18.920 --> 0:14:24.640 dopamine booster first, then start your task. Example, before I 0:14:24.680 --> 0:14:28.640 do emails, I'll listen to one hype song, or before 0:14:28.680 --> 0:14:31.000 I clean, I'll have a snack and put on my 0:14:31.040 --> 0:14:35.880 favorite podcast. That's a little dopamine menu. Like, you make 0:14:35.920 --> 0:14:37.880 the menu and then you know what you're gonna do 0:14:38.240 --> 0:14:41.560 before each thing to get your dopamine hit. Next tack 0:14:41.720 --> 0:14:47.000 is the clocks everywhere trick. This is best for time blindness. Now, 0:14:47.040 --> 0:14:52.560 ADHD brains lose track of time constantly so what we 0:14:52.600 --> 0:14:55.880 gotta do is put visible clocks everywhere, not just on 0:14:55.920 --> 0:14:59.120 our phones. We needn't have timers and alarms for everything, 0:14:59.200 --> 0:15:02.600 set reminders five to ten minutes before you need to leave. 0:15:02.800 --> 0:15:05.440 Like if y'all were to open up in my clock 0:15:05.480 --> 0:15:08.840 app on my phone, you would see so many timers 0:15:08.840 --> 0:15:11.040 and alarms for everything. Because that's what I have to 0:15:11.040 --> 0:15:14.800 do to help keep myself on track. It's very helpful. 0:15:15.280 --> 0:15:17.640 Or if I'm in my house, I'll ask Alexa to 0:15:17.680 --> 0:15:21.400 set a timer for something. I just need this because 0:15:21.440 --> 0:15:24.520 time blindness is very very real for me. Right. The 0:15:24.560 --> 0:15:27.840 final hack, which honestly, I'm not even sure I could 0:15:27.840 --> 0:15:29.760 pull this one off, but it's called the one tab 0:15:29.880 --> 0:15:34.160 role for productivity. It's best for preventing distractions while working. 0:15:34.880 --> 0:15:38.280 And let me tell you, in ADHD brain loves opening 0:15:38.320 --> 0:15:42.040 one hundred tabs and then forgetting what they're doing completely. 0:15:42.760 --> 0:15:45.080 This little tip wants you to commit to one tab 0:15:45.120 --> 0:15:48.760 at a time. If you need another, you write it 0:15:48.840 --> 0:15:52.560 down instead of opening up a tab immediately. You can 0:15:52.600 --> 0:15:55.400 only go back to it like you write it down, 0:15:55.480 --> 0:15:57.360 and then when you're done with one tab, then you 0:15:57.400 --> 0:15:59.120 can type in what you need to do, like right now, 0:15:59.120 --> 0:16:06.640 on my computer. I have one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen. 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:08.920 I have fourteen tabs open, which honestly is not that bad. 0:16:09.520 --> 0:16:11.960 But I know what all those tabs mean, and I 0:16:12.120 --> 0:16:15.920 actually thrive with the tabs. But I'm sure there is 0:16:15.960 --> 0:16:18.800 something to the one tab roll, and I'd probably thrive 0:16:19.200 --> 0:16:22.800 even more if I would try this tip out. But 0:16:22.920 --> 0:16:24.640 some of them I keep open because I know I'm 0:16:24.680 --> 0:16:24.920 going to. 0:16:24.960 --> 0:16:25.600 Go back to them. 0:16:25.880 --> 0:16:28.480 But I do see the idea behind executing getting rid 0:16:28.520 --> 0:16:30.880 of one tab boom, and then going to your list, 0:16:31.000 --> 0:16:32.600 what was the next tab I need to open? 0:16:33.080 --> 0:16:33.960 So one tab role. 0:16:33.960 --> 0:16:36.120 If you want to try that one out, let me 0:16:36.160 --> 0:16:37.520 know if any of these work for you. 0:16:44.320 --> 0:16:46.000 Here we got third day. 0:16:48.400 --> 0:16:52.080 All right, let's talk about closure, because well, I think 0:16:52.080 --> 0:16:54.560 this is something that we've likely all struggled with at 0:16:54.600 --> 0:16:58.120 some point, like whether it's a breakup or a friendship 0:16:58.120 --> 0:17:02.000 that fizzled or ended, or just any situation that never 0:17:02.240 --> 0:17:06.680 fully has been resolved. It's really really hard to move 0:17:06.680 --> 0:17:10.800 on without that final answer. And I will say, sometimes 0:17:10.880 --> 0:17:13.320 we want to receive that final answer, but also sometimes 0:17:13.320 --> 0:17:17.119 we want to give other people closure because we feel 0:17:17.160 --> 0:17:19.560 like it will be good for them, when maybe that's 0:17:19.600 --> 0:17:23.919 not necessarily our role. You may not have to provide that, 0:17:24.640 --> 0:17:26.320 So that's a whole other thing to work through as well. 0:17:26.359 --> 0:17:31.680 But I read something from psychologists Kavyat Shrivastov. Totally not 0:17:31.720 --> 0:17:34.000 sure if I'm saying her name right, but I gave 0:17:34.040 --> 0:17:36.760 it my best shot and it really hit close to home. 0:17:37.320 --> 0:17:40.600 She said, closure isn't about what the other person gives you, 0:17:40.720 --> 0:17:43.840 It's about how you process what happened. 0:17:44.720 --> 0:17:44.880 Now. 0:17:44.880 --> 0:17:50.760 The main reasons behind why we crave closure are pretty obvious. Obviously, 0:17:50.800 --> 0:17:55.760 it helps us find peace after being hurt. It stops 0:17:55.840 --> 0:18:01.440 us from just ruminating over it, obsessing over any answered 0:18:01.800 --> 0:18:06.560 questions that we have. It helps us move forward without 0:18:06.680 --> 0:18:11.679 lingering regrets of sorts, and pretty much closure is like 0:18:12.359 --> 0:18:16.240 ceiling an emotional envelope. That's how I visualize it in 0:18:16.280 --> 0:18:20.040 my head, like you're able to just close it shut 0:18:20.920 --> 0:18:25.400 without it, you keep going into the envelope to reread 0:18:25.600 --> 0:18:29.320 all the old stuff, the letters, the messages, and you 0:18:29.400 --> 0:18:32.080 try to make it make sense and you can't. And 0:18:32.119 --> 0:18:35.960 the hard truth about closure is sometimes we think that 0:18:36.000 --> 0:18:39.200 it has to come from the other person, like we 0:18:39.280 --> 0:18:46.040 need to hear them explain or apologize or even validate 0:18:46.160 --> 0:18:49.800 whatever it is that happened, But that's not always going 0:18:49.840 --> 0:18:52.919 to happen again because they don't even owe it to us. 0:18:52.960 --> 0:18:57.240 Now in some circumstances, Yes it's not a blanket statement, 0:18:57.760 --> 0:19:00.320 but let's just say, for the sake of this thing, 0:19:00.800 --> 0:19:02.560 it's never going to happen. You're not going to get 0:19:02.560 --> 0:19:05.480 the closure. So then what what do you do? Well, 0:19:05.480 --> 0:19:07.280 that's when you get stuck in the wide trap and 0:19:07.280 --> 0:19:09.000 you're like, why did they do this? Was it me? 0:19:09.200 --> 0:19:11.520 What could I have done differently? How could I fix it? 0:19:12.280 --> 0:19:17.280 And those types of questions will leave us spiraling forever. 0:19:17.600 --> 0:19:21.720 So the key for us is to accept that we 0:19:21.800 --> 0:19:24.000 don't need all the answers to move forward. And I 0:19:24.040 --> 0:19:28.800 have had to practice this multiple times in my adult life, 0:19:29.400 --> 0:19:32.240 and I wish I better understood this as a teen 0:19:32.720 --> 0:19:35.399 and a young young adult as well, because the power 0:19:35.400 --> 0:19:39.240 of acceptance is so good. And now that I know acceptance, 0:19:39.320 --> 0:19:41.920 it just helps me. And I know that it could 0:19:41.960 --> 0:19:44.159 sound like if you're accepting that, you're just kind of 0:19:44.240 --> 0:19:47.040 rolling over and being like, Okay, cool, you know this 0:19:47.280 --> 0:19:50.000 horrible thing happened and I'm fine with it. But that's 0:19:50.000 --> 0:19:54.160 not what the acceptance part is. Acceptance just means that 0:19:54.640 --> 0:19:56.800 you're not going to fight it. You're going to fight 0:19:56.880 --> 0:20:01.120 what's happening. It means instead of obsessing over why something happened, 0:20:01.520 --> 0:20:05.040 you focus on what you can do next. A little 0:20:05.080 --> 0:20:09.080 mantra that I had in my back pocket for twenty twenty, 0:20:08.840 --> 0:20:11.640 twenty twenty one, twenty twenty two, like, I was using 0:20:11.720 --> 0:20:15.959 this one a lot. I may not understand it, but 0:20:16.080 --> 0:20:19.280 I can heal anyway. Because there was so much I 0:20:19.320 --> 0:20:23.840 wasn't understanding and I didn't have answers to, but I 0:20:23.920 --> 0:20:27.320 knew I had the ability to heal anyway. Sometimes it 0:20:27.359 --> 0:20:31.320 was hard for me to just move on. I didn't 0:20:31.400 --> 0:20:34.560 like the idea of that, so I would think of 0:20:34.600 --> 0:20:39.159 it more as like moving along or moving forward, Like 0:20:39.240 --> 0:20:42.800 despite what was happening, I was going to move forward. 0:20:43.240 --> 0:20:46.600 Sometimes I would move backwards, but at least I was moving. 0:20:47.359 --> 0:20:49.520 It's a small shift from the word moving on to 0:20:49.640 --> 0:20:53.760 moving forward, but for me it made a big difference. 0:20:54.359 --> 0:21:00.200 It felt more practical and less forced. The energy a 0:21:00.240 --> 0:21:02.400 little bit different. I don't know see if that resonates 0:21:02.440 --> 0:21:06.040 with you, Like if you say I'm moving on or 0:21:06.080 --> 0:21:11.440 I'm moving forward, there's different energy there. So then comes 0:21:11.440 --> 0:21:14.280 the time where you'd have to really give yourself closure Again, 0:21:14.320 --> 0:21:16.359 It's not coming from the other person, it is coming 0:21:16.400 --> 0:21:19.880 from within you. At the end of the day, finding 0:21:19.920 --> 0:21:22.359 closure is you choosing yourself because you're not going to 0:21:22.480 --> 0:21:26.560 let those thoughts take up any more space rent free 0:21:26.600 --> 0:21:29.720 in your brain. So one thing you need to do 0:21:29.840 --> 0:21:32.520 because who knows how long you've been thinking these thoughts. 0:21:32.800 --> 0:21:34.480 I mean some of you listening right now, I know 0:21:34.520 --> 0:21:37.399 we're holding onto things from ten years ago and you 0:21:37.440 --> 0:21:41.080 want closure and you have been wondering why for the 0:21:41.119 --> 0:21:44.760 last ten years or maybe it was just ten days ago. Well, 0:21:44.800 --> 0:21:46.359 this is going to be awesome for you to be 0:21:46.600 --> 0:21:49.680 reminded of this. I'm not saying anything new, by the way, 0:21:49.720 --> 0:21:53.119 and I'm gathering a lot of different things that I 0:21:53.320 --> 0:21:55.600 was taught over the last five years that I learned. 0:21:55.600 --> 0:21:58.240 Some of this I picked up in alan On. That 0:21:58.359 --> 0:22:03.520 is all about surrender releasing control. When you are stuck 0:22:03.880 --> 0:22:06.920 in trying to figure out the why of what happened, 0:22:07.000 --> 0:22:10.879 and you are stuck wanting closure from somebody else, this 0:22:10.960 --> 0:22:14.760 is the opposite of surrendering. You have to focus on 0:22:14.920 --> 0:22:18.520 what you can control, and you can't control that So 0:22:18.560 --> 0:22:21.240 whether you've been trying to operate that way, like I said, 0:22:21.240 --> 0:22:24.840 for ten years or ten days, pause and forgive yourself 0:22:24.880 --> 0:22:28.199 for holding on for however long it was. Let go 0:22:28.320 --> 0:22:31.399 of any resentment towards the person. You don't want to 0:22:31.440 --> 0:22:34.679 carry that around, and then prioritize peace. 0:22:35.680 --> 0:22:36.439 If you are. 0:22:36.359 --> 0:22:40.320 Waiting on that one last conversation or that one last explanation, 0:22:41.119 --> 0:22:44.240 just know that you don't actually need it. Your piece 0:22:44.320 --> 0:22:47.520 is within you. It's not dependent on what they do. 0:22:48.600 --> 0:22:51.199 This is honestly one of those things like when I 0:22:51.240 --> 0:22:54.199 was typing out what I wanted to say about this, 0:22:54.359 --> 0:22:56.719 I'm like, oh, I need to email this to myself 0:22:56.760 --> 0:22:58.280 so I can go back and read it when I 0:22:58.359 --> 0:23:01.359 need it, or maybe I'll pull this part of the 0:23:01.400 --> 0:23:04.359