1
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:16,040
Speaker 1: The following episode of Just Be with Bethany Frankel contains

2
00:00:16,079 --> 00:00:19,720
Speaker 1: potentially disturbing content, and we want to alert trauma survivors.

3
00:00:20,239 --> 00:00:23,239
Speaker 1: It contains material that for some may be difficult to

4
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:24,439
Speaker 1: discuss or listen to.

5
00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:35,960
Speaker 2: Hello, This podcast has certainly taken an interesting turn.

6
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,400
Speaker 3: Overall, just overall.

7
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:45,000
Speaker 2: It started out as the concept for it was just

8
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:51,520
Speaker 2: to have really interesting guests like moguls and power players

9
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:55,200
Speaker 2: and just visionaries, which we've had amazing people like Matthew McConaughey,

10
00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:58,800
Speaker 2: and we've had Hillary Clinton and Mark Cuban and just

11
00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:05,119
Speaker 2: really incredible guests and conversations. And then we had really

12
00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:10,920
Speaker 2: interesting people like Elizabeth Moss talk about rewives. And then

13
00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:12,920
Speaker 2: one day I just decided I wanted to sit down

14
00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:19,040
Speaker 2: and talk about divorce because I hadn't really ever told

15
00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:22,360
Speaker 2: the story. Sometimes I think that I've told you stories

16
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,560
Speaker 2: because you've seen snippets of my life on reality TV

17
00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:30,880
Speaker 2: or in sound bites or in articles, and I realize,

18
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:34,479
Speaker 2: so realize that that's not really even me, and that's

19
00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:36,720
Speaker 2: not really the story. That's a reaction to someone at

20
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:40,200
Speaker 2: a restaurant to describe something, and so you kind of

21
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:43,120
Speaker 2: like are piecing together the puzzle of a person, and

22
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:47,119
Speaker 2: not that you need to know the whole of who

23
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,720
Speaker 2: I am as a person, but as this journey evolves

24
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:54,960
Speaker 2: from the day that I was in my apartment on

25
00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:59,440
Speaker 2: the season one of Housewives and the man Jason I

26
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:03,160
Speaker 2: was dating said we'll talk about it later multiple times,

27
00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:05,760
Speaker 2: and it was sort of obvious that I was being

28
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:10,440
Speaker 2: like sort of dissed on TV, and you all said

29
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,160
Speaker 2: I was your Carrie Bradshaw and like you felt badly

30
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,480
Speaker 2: for me. It was It was wild because I was like, oh, wait,

31
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:19,680
Speaker 2: you can be flawed and have something bad happened to

32
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:21,720
Speaker 2: you and connect with people. It was the first time

33
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:25,000
Speaker 2: that I realized that the medium was meaningful versus just

34
00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,120
Speaker 2: like showing people what you want to show them. And

35
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:31,480
Speaker 2: I think that in that medium. The one thing that

36
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,480
Speaker 2: I did vowed to do from the very beginning was

37
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,240
Speaker 2: that I was going to be warts and all and

38
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:39,040
Speaker 2: like tell you the truth about the girl that you

39
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:41,400
Speaker 2: know was broke and wanted a life and a family

40
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:47,520
Speaker 2: and to be somebody and do something. But so along

41
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,520
Speaker 2: the way, in an edited show with their own story,

42
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:53,920
Speaker 2: people got some some version of me, and in the

43
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:57,040
Speaker 2: media people have gotten some version of me. But through

44
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,959
Speaker 2: these different experiences, I've realized that you really haven't got

45
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:04,000
Speaker 2: and the real version of me, And it's not really

46
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:09,040
Speaker 2: about me, but it's about us. And the real responsibility

47
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:13,840
Speaker 2: that I've ultimately assumed and honor and cherish is to

48
00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:17,239
Speaker 2: be able to share, to connect, to help other people,

49
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:20,560
Speaker 2: to heal other people together and them in turn heal me.

50
00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,440
Speaker 2: Social media, for example, and this podcast, you know, not

51
00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:26,600
Speaker 2: really this podcast is really great because it's really just

52
00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:31,240
Speaker 2: a vehicle to communicate, and it's a direct to consumer vehicle.

53
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,000
Speaker 2: But social media has given me a great gift of

54
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:37,040
Speaker 2: connection and communication. And while it can be toxic, and

55
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,400
Speaker 2: it can be evil, and it can be mean because

56
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,760
Speaker 2: people can be toxic and evil and mean, it's been

57
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:45,720
Speaker 2: a really great vehicle for philanthropy and for communication and

58
00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:50,880
Speaker 2: for healing. And I was dancing one night. I was

59
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,240
Speaker 2: going out. I was looking cute. I was deciding to

60
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,760
Speaker 2: be social. I said, I was adventuring my I was

61
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:59,840
Speaker 2: entering my adventure era and I was wearing an alad.

62
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,880
Speaker 2: This is a I know this brand because I remember

63
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:06,440
Speaker 2: it was the black dress that I used to borrow

64
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,240
Speaker 2: from my mother. And her apartment was her She had

65
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:12,560
Speaker 2: nice things, but it was the only really like nice,

66
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,320
Speaker 2: major thing that I could wear. And I didn't even

67
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,520
Speaker 2: understand what alia was, but it was so tight and

68
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:19,720
Speaker 2: like so hot. And so I was dancing last week

69
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:24,200
Speaker 2: in my alayah dress to the song I'm Alive by

70
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:31,839
Speaker 2: Celine Dion. There's been a remix, and I was really happy,

71
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,440
Speaker 2: like I was feeling really happy and free. I was

72
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:39,240
Speaker 2: releasing things. And the next morning I was on the

73
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,840
Speaker 2: phone with Melinda, my therapist, and I've been I've been

74
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,359
Speaker 2: walking lately, which is I know it sounds ridiculous, but

75
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,360
Speaker 2: I don't really exercise, And in the summer, I come

76
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,160
Speaker 2: alive and I walk on the beach in front of

77
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,360
Speaker 2: my house, and it's my therapy. It's my church, it's

78
00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:55,159
Speaker 2: my spirituality, it's my yoga, it's my everything. It's my soul.

79
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:58,160
Speaker 2: And I wait all year to do that. And if

80
00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,800
Speaker 2: I go to Florida or go away on a trip,

81
00:04:59,839 --> 00:05:02,240
Speaker 2: I I do that. If I snowboard, it's like doing that.

82
00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:04,080
Speaker 2: It's my other version. But I'm just not a person

83
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:07,080
Speaker 2: who like traps myself in exercise and and my house

84
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,640
Speaker 2: in the suburbs. I haven't connected to like nature in

85
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,680
Speaker 2: any way, and so recently, I've been Every morning I

86
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:15,240
Speaker 2: wake up, I'm basically still in pajamas, put a brawn

87
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,599
Speaker 2: and just walk out and nature walk a lot of

88
00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:20,120
Speaker 2: waterfalls near my house. Sometimes you guys see me post

89
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,560
Speaker 2: a picture of something that looks like a stream or

90
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,560
Speaker 2: just like rocks, or it's just it's just a new

91
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,440
Speaker 2: thing I'm doing because I feel like I'm breaking out

92
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:31,480
Speaker 2: and I'm alive. So I was on the phone with

93
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:34,960
Speaker 2: Melinda and I was telling her I was I'm so happy.

94
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:39,039
Speaker 2: I'm so happy. I've never been happier. I don't know

95
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:40,800
Speaker 2: what's going on. I mean, I don't know if that's true,

96
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:44,600
Speaker 2: but like in the context of recent I just feel happy.

97
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:49,719
Speaker 2: I feel free, I feel alive. I'm just good. You know,

98
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:53,800
Speaker 2: I'm just good because I was releasing and I was connecting,

99
00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:59,680
Speaker 2: and you guys are releasing and connecting and and the

100
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:03,440
Speaker 2: meat you got wrong. This premonition, the version of this premonition.

101
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,720
Speaker 2: So I'll clarify it for you. The night before, I

102
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:07,880
Speaker 2: was dancing to the song I'm Alive in an A

103
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:11,599
Speaker 2: Lie address. This morning, I was walking on a nature

104
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,720
Speaker 2: walk and I was happy, and I saw a nine

105
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,000
Speaker 2: to five four number come through, which is Florida, some

106
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:22,240
Speaker 2: version of Florida. And I was on a FaceTime with

107
00:06:22,279 --> 00:06:24,320
Speaker 2: Milinda and the number came through and I like went

108
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,320
Speaker 2: over to pick it up and then she was like hello, Beth,

109
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,320
Speaker 2: and I go, I can't talk right.

110
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:28,960
Speaker 3: I was very dismissive. I can't.

111
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,520
Speaker 2: I thought it was someone, this woman. I had this

112
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,920
Speaker 2: caretaker that I had gotten for my mother a couple

113
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:39,320
Speaker 2: of years ago, several every day, which was some gesture

114
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:41,000
Speaker 2: that I could do to just have someone be there.

115
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:43,440
Speaker 2: And I just had this weird feeling like wait a minute,

116
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:45,480
Speaker 2: because this one's called before. And I had this weird

117
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:48,040
Speaker 2: feeling and I texted to my assistant and said, please

118
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,800
Speaker 2: call this woman. And I said to Milinda, my mother's dead.

119
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:58,919
Speaker 2: I think my mother's dead. And as I do with

120
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,760
Speaker 2: my therapist because I can can't go deep. You know,

121
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:05,400
Speaker 2: I've done therapy with other people in relationships because that's

122
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:07,440
Speaker 2: been a challenging area of my life, and I do

123
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:10,320
Speaker 2: it myself, but I always feel like I'm cheating a

124
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,000
Speaker 2: little bit. I feel like I'm cheating a lot of

125
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,200
Speaker 2: areas of my life when it comes to emotions, like

126
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,960
Speaker 2: I can't go super deep. We dip in and we

127
00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:20,960
Speaker 2: reference things. But so one of the things that H

128
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:26,080
Speaker 2: has come to be very clear is that I fix

129
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,120
Speaker 2: you know me, I like organize my entire house. I

130
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,600
Speaker 2: situation happens, I know how to tackle it. A problem

131
00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,080
Speaker 2: happens in business, there's a mistake that's been made, there's

132
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:35,040
Speaker 2: a contract, it needs to be reworked. Like, I can

133
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,400
Speaker 2: fix it. I can handle it. There's a there's a dilemma,

134
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:40,960
Speaker 2: there's a logistical issue.

135
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,200
Speaker 3: And so immediately I was like.

136
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,240
Speaker 2: My assistant said I'm sorry by text, and I was

137
00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,400
Speaker 2: like my mother's dad like and I didn't even there's

138
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,560
Speaker 2: no way to process that sort of information right, Like

139
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:55,600
Speaker 2: I was in like thinking, I was in like solution mode.

140
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:57,040
Speaker 2: So I was like, Okay, wait a second, I'm just

141
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:58,320
Speaker 2: to get in the car and I'm supposed to take

142
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,400
Speaker 2: Britt to volleyball and she's going to the tournament Philadelphia,

143
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,160
Speaker 2: and I don't want to miss it, and I don't

144
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:04,800
Speaker 2: want to go. And I thought in my mind that

145
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:07,200
Speaker 2: I would be disconnected from this because all the ways

146
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,760
Speaker 2: that I thought about this scenario, which I haven't really

147
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,400
Speaker 2: allowed myself to think that much, was that this was

148
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:14,760
Speaker 2: in a box and that like every time I tried

149
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,560
Speaker 2: to reach out to her or connect her in some

150
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:19,600
Speaker 2: way more for her. I used to say, it's more

151
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,600
Speaker 2: for her. I just want to make sure she's not

152
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:24,560
Speaker 2: alone and that she has help and that she feels safe.

153
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,880
Speaker 2: And then when I introduced my daughter Brynn to her

154
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,320
Speaker 2: for Brinn, because Brynn was asking me about it, and

155
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,720
Speaker 2: it's always these like problem solving things like so eventually

156
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:37,360
Speaker 2: I wouldn't regret this, like you know, like I want

157
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:40,280
Speaker 2: to send her someone so she feels happy and not

158
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,280
Speaker 2: alone and she can be taken care of in her house.

159
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,800
Speaker 2: I didn't realize she had a friend. Thank god, she

160
00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:47,000
Speaker 2: had one good friend, and that this person who I

161
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,559
Speaker 2: sent for her to take care of her house also

162
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:52,320
Speaker 2: became a very good friend and a family member. But

163
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:56,319
Speaker 2: like that I did the connecting not for me from Brynn,

164
00:08:56,559 --> 00:08:58,840
Speaker 2: like because so then there'll be no regrets not thinking

165
00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:01,160
Speaker 2: about that, I would have no regrets really, but that

166
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:02,840
Speaker 2: like brinin wouldn't be like wait, why did I ever

167
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,520
Speaker 2: get to meet your mama? And so like in this moment,

168
00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:08,160
Speaker 2: I was thinking of Brennan and the volleyball tournament and

169
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,640
Speaker 2: like I want to go and I want to see

170
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,400
Speaker 2: her and I feel like I'm going to disappoint her,

171
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:13,760
Speaker 2: and I always am thinking of her to the point

172
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:15,839
Speaker 2: if there's something I know my daughter wants me to do,

173
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:19,480
Speaker 2: I am incapable of thinking about what I want. It

174
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,600
Speaker 2: sometimes bothers me when she lets me know something that

175
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,120
Speaker 2: she wants, Like we're on a vacation and she wants

176
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,520
Speaker 2: to go somewhere and she wants to do somebody, she

177
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:27,440
Speaker 2: wants to see something. Because the minute I know that

178
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:29,240
Speaker 2: she wants to do it, it's.

179
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:29,640
Speaker 3: In my body.

180
00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:30,959
Speaker 2: Even if I don't want to do it or I

181
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,640
Speaker 2: don't feel up to it, I do it. It's like

182
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,880
Speaker 2: all part of this same stuff that happened in the divorce,

183
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:36,640
Speaker 2: with like wanting to be with her every second, Like

184
00:09:36,679 --> 00:09:39,880
Speaker 2: it's all this like sort of internal trauma. So now

185
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:42,319
Speaker 2: I started thinking about the volleyball tournament and how I

186
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,880
Speaker 2: wanted to go and I wanted to be there. Mollanda

187
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:46,160
Speaker 2: was like okay, and I was gonna stay with a

188
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,000
Speaker 2: friend at a hotel. Mona was like, okay, is there

189
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,400
Speaker 2: like a world where you go? And you know, I'm

190
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:52,400
Speaker 2: sure she was following my lead. I was being logical,

191
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,800
Speaker 2: and then I realized I was not going to go,

192
00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:57,760
Speaker 2: and the fact, now knowing what I've been through the

193
00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,200
Speaker 2: last several days, the fact that I even contemplated going

194
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:04,200
Speaker 2: is insane. And it was in a convention center, and so,

195
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,959
Speaker 2: like long story short, I didn't go, and I wanted

196
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,640
Speaker 2: Brinn to go and to be happy. And Melinda was like,

197
00:10:09,679 --> 00:10:11,040
Speaker 2: are you going to show up at school now and

198
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,520
Speaker 2: tell Brynn. I'm like, I don't want to go and

199
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:15,000
Speaker 2: make this big drama at her school, and I don't

200
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,440
Speaker 2: want to disrupt that. I want her to go and

201
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:20,640
Speaker 2: I want her to enjoy her weekend. At her tournament. Incidentally,

202
00:10:20,679 --> 00:10:22,800
Speaker 2: she won her first medal ever, so I know many

203
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:37,520
Speaker 2: of you will see symbolism in that. So when she

204
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,160
Speaker 2: was on her way home, I kind of told her

205
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:43,040
Speaker 2: about a bunch of things and I'm going to tell

206
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,839
Speaker 2: you like that she had left everything to Brinn and

207
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:48,160
Speaker 2: the Brinn was the one who really gave her happiness

208
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,600
Speaker 2: in the end of her life. And Brin was like, Mom,

209
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,520
Speaker 2: I should have called. I didn't speak to her recently.

210
00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:54,720
Speaker 2: I should have called. I didn't speak to her recently

211
00:10:55,160 --> 00:11:00,880
Speaker 2: because recently my daughter heard the that my mother spoke

212
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:05,440
Speaker 2: to me on one unfortunate call, and I think she

213
00:11:05,559 --> 00:11:08,640
Speaker 2: got a glimpse into the childhood that I had, and

214
00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:11,120
Speaker 2: I think that she never said it, and I just

215
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:14,920
Speaker 2: said to her, she loves you, and it's nothing to

216
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,959
Speaker 2: do with you, and I didn't Mommy didn't have the

217
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:21,240
Speaker 2: kind of life that you had, and she started feeling guilty,

218
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,000
Speaker 2: and I was like, you gave her so much happiness.

219
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:29,040
Speaker 2: And so my mother passed away two days ago Friday morning.

220
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,719
Speaker 2: She had one friend who was friends with her for

221
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:37,920
Speaker 2: eleven years old. Eleven years she called me. I soon realized,

222
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:39,760
Speaker 2: first of all, I was so happy that she had

223
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,080
Speaker 2: a friend, and I soon realized that this friend didn't

224
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:45,880
Speaker 2: really understand anything about the fractures in our relationship. And

225
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:51,080
Speaker 2: I realized that my mother never really was accountable to

226
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:55,079
Speaker 2: anything that happened, which I don't I don't know if

227
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,920
Speaker 2: I had gone there towards the end and sat next

228
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,080
Speaker 2: to her and talked to her and old music and

229
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,600
Speaker 2: things like that. And that's leave me a lot of

230
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:07,320
Speaker 2: what's going through my head right now. But I am

231
00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:09,679
Speaker 2: If you read my Instagram post I'm sure you did,

232
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,440
Speaker 2: or my TikTok post, you kind of get some of it.

233
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,640
Speaker 2: And a lot of you are relieving and reliving your

234
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:19,000
Speaker 2: own traumas. And Mother's Day is coming up, and so

235
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,400
Speaker 2: I am going to share just a bit of what

236
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:30,120
Speaker 2: I went through, because what's crazy is that that you

237
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:33,160
Speaker 2: would never the way the experience that I've had, the

238
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,880
Speaker 2: emotional accident that I feel like I've been in since

239
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:41,439
Speaker 2: this news Friday is nothing like I would have ever expected.

240
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:45,640
Speaker 2: And I really do tell you, even if you hate

241
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,520
Speaker 2: someone who's been connected to you in a way that

242
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:53,000
Speaker 2: is supposed to be perceived or received as love, or

243
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,400
Speaker 2: they hate you or you think they hate you based

244
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:58,240
Speaker 2: on whatever their traumas are, you should connect with them

245
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:01,080
Speaker 2: on some way, on some left, because I will tell

246
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:04,839
Speaker 2: you that this has been I thought the divorce was

247
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,880
Speaker 2: the most traumatic experience. This on the heels of that

248
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:13,800
Speaker 2: is almost debilitating, But this has been the most extraordinary,

249
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:18,880
Speaker 2: unexpected release that I've ever had in my life. Because

250
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,319
Speaker 2: in all of these years of going to therapy or

251
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:26,120
Speaker 2: failed relationships or Ramona telling me I'm going to be

252
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:31,720
Speaker 2: alone on a bridge, or beating myself up or feeling

253
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:34,160
Speaker 2: like something was missing, and I've been cheating myself in

254
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:37,440
Speaker 2: therapy and not really going deep. Or when I was

255
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:39,920
Speaker 2: married to Peter and I went to therapy and couldn't

256
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,840
Speaker 2: go there, just couldn't go there in all of that time,

257
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:46,400
Speaker 2: there's no therapist that could bring out what's come out,

258
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:52,360
Speaker 2: And what's happening is something very unique, and it's I'm

259
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:55,720
Speaker 2: literally in my childhood. It's like someone they do this

260
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,760
Speaker 2: with them with the like mushrooms and like ketymine or

261
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:02,720
Speaker 2: like things like that where they like, I guess, bring

262
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:08,559
Speaker 2: you back in some way. So this death has put

263
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:10,920
Speaker 2: me in my childhood a place that I've never wanted

264
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:14,960
Speaker 2: to go back to in my life, but need to

265
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:18,480
Speaker 2: to like give myself some grace and compassion. And so

266
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:22,200
Speaker 2: when I wrote that, I was mourning her loss and

267
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:26,440
Speaker 2: mourning her loss because what a poor soul and spirit

268
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:27,120
Speaker 2: and life.

269
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:31,760
Speaker 3: Like my mother was so breathtakingly beautiful.

270
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,640
Speaker 2: When I tell you that, I like, look, I wanted

271
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,080
Speaker 2: so much from her, Like I got tiny glimpses and

272
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:37,960
Speaker 2: like wanted.

273
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:38,080
Speaker 3: So much more.

274
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:41,040
Speaker 2: If you ever saw the show Firefly Lane, my friend

275
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,440
Speaker 2: Terry so mad, she's like they stole your life for

276
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:47,640
Speaker 2: that show, not every bit of it, but like it's

277
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:53,400
Speaker 2: very much. It's like shockingly triggering because it's like that

278
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,280
Speaker 2: that's that vibe that seventies vibe and that mother who

279
00:14:56,360 --> 00:15:00,560
Speaker 2: was like gorgeous and making every wrong choice. My mother

280
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:03,080
Speaker 2: and I bring up their beauty for a very specific reason,

281
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:07,080
Speaker 2: and I'm gonna get there. My mother was spectacular, like

282
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,960
Speaker 2: so gorgeous that it was like frightening to people, and

283
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:16,360
Speaker 2: everyone was in love with her. And she later when

284
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,480
Speaker 2: it was like in the you know, the the years

285
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,720
Speaker 2: of like maybe her late twenties and thirties looked like

286
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,920
Speaker 2: Michelle Pfeiffer, And when she was young, she looked like

287
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:27,960
Speaker 2: Sharon Tate. And people are now saying brain looks like her,

288
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:31,120
Speaker 2: which is like, just it's been the most beautiful result

289
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:32,680
Speaker 2: of this because I saw it the second I pulled

290
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:34,360
Speaker 2: out her pictures, and I've never thought of it before.

291
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:38,120
Speaker 2: I don't think of her that much. So she was

292
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:43,320
Speaker 2: stunningly beautiful, and it was actually her curse in a way,

293
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,560
Speaker 2: Like she left her house. She left her very abusive house,

294
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:51,720
Speaker 2: very abusive father, very scathing biting. So you guys know,

295
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:55,520
Speaker 2: I'm I can be biting, and my mother was way

296
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:59,440
Speaker 2: more biting, and her mother was so scathingly biting. My

297
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:07,320
Speaker 2: mother sister died. My mother's sister, I think she punched

298
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:10,440
Speaker 2: her a parent. No, she punched my mother and knocked

299
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:12,400
Speaker 2: her down the stairs I think, or something her sister.

300
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:16,320
Speaker 2: Her sister died too, and her sister's children they reached

301
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,920
Speaker 2: out Kelly Christy Ryant. They all had a similar experience,

302
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:23,040
Speaker 2: except that they had a grounded father. I had a

303
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:28,640
Speaker 2: stepfather and a father that were as horrific, if not

304
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,640
Speaker 2: no worse than the experiences I've had with my mother.

305
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:37,800
Speaker 2: So I hit the trifacta trifecta of parents. But her

306
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:41,520
Speaker 2: her beauty was like debilitating, I think, because and all

307
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:42,880
Speaker 2: she wanted to do was be a model, but she

308
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,680
Speaker 2: was too short. And all her sister wanted to do

309
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,160
Speaker 2: was be a jockey, but she was too tall. Literally,

310
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:51,240
Speaker 2: she was in the horse business like my grandfather and

311
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,800
Speaker 2: my father and my stepfather. My mother's father was a

312
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,400
Speaker 2: horse trainer. Also, No one wouldever realize that that's how

313
00:16:56,440 --> 00:17:00,200
Speaker 2: my mother found her way into these degenerate men's lives,

314
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,720
Speaker 2: because the racetrack is no place for a woman, and

315
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,000
Speaker 2: she found it because of her father, which is why

316
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:08,000
Speaker 2: the one thing that she imparted to me is never

317
00:17:08,119 --> 00:17:10,640
Speaker 2: ever marry someone from the racetra Never ever marry someone

318
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:14,480
Speaker 2: from the racetrack like from a small child and as

319
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,119
Speaker 2: an adult. And if you know anything about the racetrack,

320
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:19,560
Speaker 2: it's I know why she said it.

321
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:20,440
Speaker 3: It ruined her life.

322
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,520
Speaker 2: Her father, so her family was very abusive, and she

323
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:28,119
Speaker 2: left her abusive household and she just went on a

324
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,560
Speaker 2: journey as a result. I'm sure of her abusive household

325
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:35,879
Speaker 2: of not only choosing the wrong men, like folding into

326
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:39,240
Speaker 2: the wrong men for how much they worshiped and adored her.

327
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:45,119
Speaker 2: They were all abusive, they were all exploitative, And the

328
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:50,960
Speaker 2: big characters in her life were vanity, which is why

329
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:54,920
Speaker 2: I mention her beauty, vanity and a lifelong eating disorder

330
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:59,639
Speaker 2: that was ultimately her child. Vanity with an eating disorder,

331
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:05,560
Speaker 2: addiction and substance abuse and money. Money was such a

332
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,800
Speaker 2: main character in her life. And the one thing I

333
00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:09,760
Speaker 2: will say is her saying to me, never marry someone

334
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:13,359
Speaker 2: from the racetrack, and her always always having issues with money,

335
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,320
Speaker 2: or telling me that she stayed with men for money,

336
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,159
Speaker 2: or that she gave up her life for me, or

337
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,760
Speaker 2: that she stayed with these men because of me. Money

338
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:26,080
Speaker 2: was a recurring factor in this entire lifetime. My mother's

339
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:33,320
Speaker 2: reliance on abusive men and her staying with them for

340
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:39,600
Speaker 2: financial support. Is probably why I made it my life's

341
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:43,879
Speaker 2: intention to never have to rely on a man for

342
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:48,600
Speaker 2: financial support, and something that I also impart my daughter

343
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:52,280
Speaker 2: every day.

344
00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:54,200
Speaker 3: It's the ultimate freedom.

345
00:18:55,359 --> 00:19:01,880
Speaker 2: And my childhood was there were a lot of There

346
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:04,160
Speaker 2: were some I lived went to like thirteen different schools.

347
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,480
Speaker 2: And as I've been reliving this, I've been like back

348
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,800
Speaker 2: in my houses and there were different houses and different

349
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:12,000
Speaker 2: eras with different friends. You know, the hell whole era

350
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,560
Speaker 2: was like in Forest Hills and Long Island and this

351
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:20,520
Speaker 2: is where, you know, this is where the suicide attempts

352
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,840
Speaker 2: and the physical abuse, and you know, she would go

353
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,840
Speaker 2: out till all hours of the night and come home

354
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,119
Speaker 2: and smash the window in when she wasn't my stepfather

355
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:31,440
Speaker 2: was the one watching me. She really wasn't around much,

356
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,640
Speaker 2: and then they would get into a very terrible fight

357
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,560
Speaker 2: and he would smash and beat her with the phone,

358
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,560
Speaker 2: one of those like old little half moon looking phones

359
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:43,439
Speaker 2: and has that coiled cord, and he would beat her

360
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:44,840
Speaker 2: and come in and scream to me. And it's the

361
00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,760
Speaker 2: first time I ever heard the word see the sea word.

362
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,280
Speaker 2: I remember it like it was yesterday, him saying that

363
00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:51,439
Speaker 2: she's a sea and that look what she does to me,

364
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,679
Speaker 2: and we would the cops would come. I think it

365
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:57,480
Speaker 2: was sometimes the neighbors, sometimes it was me, but the

366
00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,879
Speaker 2: cops would come. The neighbors would call the cops. And

367
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:04,480
Speaker 2: its funny because my girlfriend yesterday said that Craig Siegel,

368
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,880
Speaker 2: who is my neighbor, that as an adult, he said,

369
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,640
Speaker 2: we used to be we used to, you.

370
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:09,439
Speaker 3: Know, worry about her.

371
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,399
Speaker 2: And Jennifer Caine lived across the street in Long Island

372
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,960
Speaker 2: and it was a it was a hell hole. I

373
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:18,560
Speaker 2: remember once I set like paper on tissue on fire

374
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:20,560
Speaker 2: in this small room, like probably wanted to set the

375
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,919
Speaker 2: house on fire. And what was crazy was that my

376
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,840
Speaker 2: room was always immaculate. My mother was an interior designer,

377
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:29,119
Speaker 2: and my room was immaculate, like perfectly designed, and the

378
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,359
Speaker 2: rest of the house, every other room in the house

379
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,399
Speaker 2: was completely empty. We ate off a card table. We

380
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,399
Speaker 2: had a parakeet. I don't know why I remember that,

381
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:37,960
Speaker 2: but we didn't. I think we had we had like

382
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:43,320
Speaker 2: kittens and cats. And I remember my getting a week

383
00:20:43,359 --> 00:20:46,320
Speaker 2: with my mother alone, like I think John left and

384
00:20:46,359 --> 00:20:48,040
Speaker 2: I think she wanted him to leave because I think

385
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,520
Speaker 2: she was really with him for money. I was four

386
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:54,240
Speaker 2: on East fifty second Street, and he came and scooped

387
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:56,760
Speaker 2: her up. She had been with my real father, another

388
00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:00,920
Speaker 2: horse trainer, and I guess he used to run with

389
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:05,240
Speaker 2: my stepfather, and that's how she ended up with John,

390
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,560
Speaker 2: who kind of rescued her. And my real father was

391
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,440
Speaker 2: also another real piece of shit that people idolized because

392
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,760
Speaker 2: he was a Hall of fame horse trainer, but as

393
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,719
Speaker 2: a man and a father, he was a bad person.

394
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:16,880
Speaker 2: And that's just the way that it was. She could

395
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:21,240
Speaker 2: provoke anyone to physically abuse them, but he was part

396
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,919
Speaker 2: of it too. And he used to leave me with

397
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:26,560
Speaker 2: like young prostitute girlfriends, Like he would just leave me

398
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:28,640
Speaker 2: with them, and he was like hanging out with people

399
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,080
Speaker 2: who did cocaine and like the full seventies, like the

400
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,960
Speaker 2: way the seventies won, and if you grew up was

401
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,479
Speaker 2: and if you grew up in the seventies, you know.

402
00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:36,160
Speaker 2: And there was a time that I had to live

403
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:40,439
Speaker 2: with him, and she positioned it as and it was

404
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:43,400
Speaker 2: this he wouldn't pay for me. This is how money

405
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:48,199
Speaker 2: became a role early. He wouldn't support me unless I

406
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,119
Speaker 2: was with him, So they were battling over me, and

407
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:51,960
Speaker 2: it's why I bring up in the divorce trauma, the

408
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,560
Speaker 2: custody battle of pulling at kids. Don't you would never

409
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,120
Speaker 2: know this until you're fifty three years old. You would

410
00:21:57,119 --> 00:22:01,200
Speaker 2: never understand this emotionally. So I ended up we ended

411
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,960
Speaker 2: up with John another person, because I wanted to get home,

412
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,720
Speaker 2: Like I didn't want to be in California with him.

413
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,359
Speaker 2: I just wanted to be with my mommy. And then

414
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:11,520
Speaker 2: I went with her and she fell into this guy's

415
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:15,360
Speaker 2: arms and he became my stepfather. And she was gone

416
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,080
Speaker 2: a lot, and I was with him a lot, but

417
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,239
Speaker 2: like one week he was gone and I was with her,

418
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:21,119
Speaker 2: and I was so happy. I remember we used to

419
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:24,000
Speaker 2: go to Hearty's, this like other version of Arby's, and

420
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:26,159
Speaker 2: like I remember the roast beef sandwitchariessed to get at

421
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,800
Speaker 2: the drive through, and I remember us driving up to

422
00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:31,320
Speaker 2: Saratoga where we had a place, and like good memories,

423
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,919
Speaker 2: good memories of like food, and she loved Alaska king

424
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,359
Speaker 2: crab legs, and like all these memories are good, but like,

425
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:41,119
Speaker 2: there was a lot of abuse in my house, a

426
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:45,399
Speaker 2: lot of abuse. And Karen Moody, a girl who reached

427
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:49,840
Speaker 2: out to me, recently told me that like we would

428
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:52,480
Speaker 2: have sleepovers and then like my family would get into

429
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,760
Speaker 2: a horrific argument my parents, and then the police would

430
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:58,880
Speaker 2: come and everybody would have to go home. So I'm

431
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:02,760
Speaker 2: remembering these things. And my mother was a mixed bag

432
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:09,600
Speaker 2: because like she took me to to Greece, Turkey, Rome, Paris, London,

433
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:15,679
Speaker 2: Egypt on this trip, and I remember not wanting to go.

434
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,400
Speaker 2: And I do remember being an experience, like I saw things,

435
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,080
Speaker 2: I learned thing she I don't know how she knew

436
00:23:20,119 --> 00:23:24,720
Speaker 2: everything about food, language, international, All these men were so

437
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,680
Speaker 2: attracted her because she cultured them like she was this

438
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:32,320
Speaker 2: she could have been like a wrothchild, like really she

439
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,800
Speaker 2: was so elegant, like she just like went down the

440
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:38,160
Speaker 2: trash lane, and she could have easily been this like elite,

441
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:43,199
Speaker 2: you know, just elegant princess, and she went down this

442
00:23:43,359 --> 00:23:50,000
Speaker 2: road of tragedy. And when I was seven, I realized

443
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:53,280
Speaker 2: that she was throwing up. And she used to tell

444
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:56,639
Speaker 2: me not to tell my stepfather because he would be

445
00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:59,280
Speaker 2: worried about it. And it was like in my mind,

446
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,480
Speaker 2: but that's too young to process that. And I always

447
00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,600
Speaker 2: and I remember too the trolley, the plastic trolley of laxatives,

448
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:09,399
Speaker 2: like the in her bathroom, the caddy and her always

449
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:10,919
Speaker 2: having to like go to the bathroom when we were

450
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,040
Speaker 2: driving somewhere and say that it was the coffee, and like,

451
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:15,320
Speaker 2: this is stuff that you don't process yet. You're a kid,

452
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,679
Speaker 2: you're in your formative years. You haven't put the puzzle together.

453
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,120
Speaker 2: But by the time I was fourteen, I was a cop.

454
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,879
Speaker 2: I was a Bolimia cop, and we went on that

455
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,160
Speaker 2: trip to Europe. I was a police officer. Like because

456
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,359
Speaker 2: I finally had her trapped on a boat. It couldn't

457
00:24:27,359 --> 00:24:30,480
Speaker 2: be home where after you know, she'd eat, she'd go

458
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,840
Speaker 2: for for an hour and be in the bathroom and

459
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:35,760
Speaker 2: then it would smell and I would just know. And

460
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,640
Speaker 2: then every time we went to a meal out at

461
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:41,600
Speaker 2: the at a restaurant, it was when she cooked at home.

462
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:45,080
Speaker 2: The food was so spectacular. But there would invariably be

463
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:47,760
Speaker 2: some something that goes wrong at a party and she

464
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,320
Speaker 2: would smash the whole house. Something would go crazier, they'd

465
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,240
Speaker 2: get into a fight, and she would smash the whole house.

466
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,160
Speaker 2: And when we went to a restaurant, I can never

467
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,800
Speaker 2: eat eggs benedict as long as I live, even though

468
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,560
Speaker 2: it's such a great dish, because she would water egg's

469
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:03,480
Speaker 2: benedict and if the eggs weren't like the softest of soft,

470
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:07,280
Speaker 2: like if they poke and ooze, they couldn't have any

471
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,960
Speaker 2: of that like pastiness. She would abuse the way the server.

472
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,440
Speaker 2: You walk down eggshells at home, you walk down eggshells

473
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:18,400
Speaker 2: at restaurants, and like the bolima became a main character,

474
00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:22,360
Speaker 2: as did the money, because it was you can never

475
00:25:22,359 --> 00:25:24,480
Speaker 2: get away from food. You can leave, you can put

476
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:25,119
Speaker 2: alcohol and.

477
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:25,679
Speaker 3: Get rid of it.

478
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:28,199
Speaker 2: You can't not have a relationship with food. And anyone

479
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,679
Speaker 2: who has an eating disorder, or anyone who is beliemic

480
00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:33,520
Speaker 2: or knows someone beliemic, like understand.

481
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:34,840
Speaker 3: It destroys, it lives.

482
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:38,280
Speaker 2: It destroyed my entire life, and it destroyed It was

483
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:42,840
Speaker 2: my mother's child. It was my mother's most sacred relationship.

484
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:48,720
Speaker 2: It was something I wanted to like kill and capture.

485
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,840
Speaker 2: She's never ever to the day she died, admitted it.

486
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:52,359
Speaker 3: It happened.

487
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,800
Speaker 2: She never gave it up. Years later, my twenties, she

488
00:25:55,880 --> 00:26:02,439
Speaker 2: gave up alcohol for a time, which is but she

489
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:07,520
Speaker 2: never gave up the bolimia, the smoking that you know.

490
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,719
Speaker 2: She was a French type alcoholic. She would drink all

491
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:11,240
Speaker 2: the time. They call it I learned in college in

492
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:16,679
Speaker 2: a class called alcoholism B type, like you drink but

493
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:20,719
Speaker 2: all the time and then yes at night in the mornings,

494
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,679
Speaker 2: I would wake up and there'd be bottles and bottles

495
00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:23,200
Speaker 2: in the sink.

496
00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:26,320
Speaker 3: But it's not a.

497
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,919
Speaker 2: Person that's like you see like sitting in the corner

498
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:32,400
Speaker 2: and they're hiding giant bottles of vocket in the bat.

499
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:35,680
Speaker 2: You know, she's just like a tab drinking seventies smoking

500
00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:37,119
Speaker 2: while pregnant, like that type.

501
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:42,560
Speaker 3: And she was very mean.

502
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:47,520
Speaker 2: She loved me and when I was little, she really

503
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,480
Speaker 2: really I feel a lot.

504
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:53,440
Speaker 3: Of the love I do. But she was extremely mean

505
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,639
Speaker 3: and extremely jealous of me.

506
00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,160
Speaker 2: And I can't even imagine why, because she was so

507
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:02,240
Speaker 2: stunning and so vain in the leads to the blieme me.

508
00:27:02,359 --> 00:27:05,560
Speaker 2: But she blamed everything on me, and she was just

509
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:12,480
Speaker 2: she was so like she used to say, I want

510
00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:13,800
Speaker 2: to switch places with you.

511
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:16,320
Speaker 3: I want to be you know, she wanted to be me.

512
00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:17,560
Speaker 3: But and.

513
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:22,600
Speaker 2: Thank God for the roller rink, thank God for hot skates,

514
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,640
Speaker 2: Hot skates and Limbrook. The owners like literally they closed,

515
00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:27,960
Speaker 2: they reached out to me. They've sent me pictures like

516
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,439
Speaker 2: they know I spent my entire childhood a Hot Skates

517
00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:34,000
Speaker 2: in Limbrooke. I would be dropped my mother would drop

518
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:36,119
Speaker 2: me up at nine o'clock in the morning because it

519
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,720
Speaker 2: was a nine I think it was like a ten

520
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,520
Speaker 2: to twelve thirty, a two to five thirty or something

521
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:44,200
Speaker 2: like that, and a seven to nine thirty and I

522
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:45,959
Speaker 2: would be there in the morning until night. I had

523
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,440
Speaker 2: a whole life there. I had relationships there because when

524
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:50,800
Speaker 2: people talk about roller Girl like it was my like

525
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,000
Speaker 2: it's saved roller skating saved my life.

526
00:27:57,840 --> 00:27:59,280
Speaker 3: And the thing about it is that.

527
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:06,119
Speaker 2: You can you can abuse someone and also you know,

528
00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:14,200
Speaker 2: love them like it's possible. And so I've been going

529
00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:17,600
Speaker 2: through these journeys in my mind. Then I took It's

530
00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:20,840
Speaker 2: like I'm doing the movie, but in my mind with music,

531
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:23,240
Speaker 2: I'm playing all the seventies music. It's helpful to bring

532
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:25,640
Speaker 2: things out because I have never gone there in therapy.

533
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:28,360
Speaker 2: I've never been back to my childhood until this weekend.

534
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:31,280
Speaker 2: I've never visited there. I left, I shut the door,

535
00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:33,760
Speaker 2: I never went back. And then I was in my

536
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:35,880
Speaker 2: high school, which I've explained to you, was like.

537
00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:39,480
Speaker 3: This is where it seemed sort of cool.

538
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:44,440
Speaker 2: You know. I was the one who at thirteen in

539
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:47,200
Speaker 2: Saratoga before high school, was going to night clubs and

540
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:50,960
Speaker 2: I was not like reckless, believe it or not. Yes,

541
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:52,800
Speaker 2: I was getting myself into and out of the city

542
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:56,280
Speaker 2: and taking the train by myself. But I was an

543
00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:58,560
Speaker 2: adult already. It's very hard for you, don't understand. I

544
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:01,840
Speaker 2: was in Vegas at thirteen at the craps tables with

545
00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,560
Speaker 2: my parents gambling. We'd stayed there for three weeks. Like

546
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:07,240
Speaker 2: I was already an adult. It's not right, but it's

547
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:10,800
Speaker 2: like my daughter can't even process this death. She's so young,

548
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:13,560
Speaker 2: she's younger than most girls her age, you know, and

549
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:16,560
Speaker 2: like that's great. Like I just was an adult as

550
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:20,760
Speaker 2: a child, So I would go to nightclubs and I was,

551
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,360
Speaker 2: you know, in this place Old Westbury, Long Island, that

552
00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:25,800
Speaker 2: was like fast cash.

553
00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 3: New money. And this was when we made it.

554
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:36,520
Speaker 2: And you know, I I've been speaking to some friends

555
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:38,880
Speaker 2: from this era, from these different eras. This is the

556
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:43,120
Speaker 2: era where I needed some clarity because we then got

557
00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:45,880
Speaker 2: past high school. I've asked to go to boarding school,

558
00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:48,840
Speaker 2: thank god, you know, I asked to go to boarding school.

559
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:51,120
Speaker 2: I wanted to get out of my house. And that

560
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:53,560
Speaker 2: was the last time, you know, when I left for

561
00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:58,160
Speaker 2: boarding school at fifteen, That's the last time I was

562
00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:04,120
Speaker 2: really in my house. Sir had any semblance of a

563
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:20,040
Speaker 2: parental structure. It's affected every area of my life. It's

564
00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:23,680
Speaker 2: affected my obviously, my relationships. I mean there he would visit,

565
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:25,560
Speaker 2: he would abuse her, and I would beg her the

566
00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:28,600
Speaker 2: next day, beg her. After we were in the hospital,

567
00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:30,840
Speaker 2: I would I would take the paper out and like

568
00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:32,960
Speaker 2: look through for apartments and be like, can't we leave?

569
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:34,959
Speaker 2: But I didn't realize it was because of money, Like

570
00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:37,200
Speaker 2: you don't think of money as a kid, like please.

571
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:38,360
Speaker 3: I thought this was hope.

572
00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:39,960
Speaker 2: Every time she would go to the hospital, I'd be like, Okay,

573
00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:42,320
Speaker 2: this time she'd have a black eye. I'd be like,

574
00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:47,640
Speaker 2: this time, we're getting out of here. And I would

575
00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:50,240
Speaker 2: be dropped. I always was with somebody, this horse groom.

576
00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:51,960
Speaker 2: He had like a horse groom Wilson, and I was

577
00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:54,120
Speaker 2: dropped off at his mom's house. Pat Wilson, her husband

578
00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:59,360
Speaker 2: was an alcoholic. Her son touched me, my stepfather's friends.

579
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:03,440
Speaker 2: He always said, all these degenerates around, bookies, sneakers, larry

580
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:07,840
Speaker 2: all these people. One of them, you know, was inappropriate

581
00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:11,680
Speaker 2: with me. His partner, his horse owner also.

582
00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:14,440
Speaker 3: Sexually abused.

583
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:16,960
Speaker 2: You know, there was just a lot of stuff that

584
00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:19,400
Speaker 2: happened and it affected it.

585
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:21,680
Speaker 3: It like hid every tree of the dysfunction.

586
00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:23,640
Speaker 2: And I just didn't allow my I don't I'm like

587
00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:26,080
Speaker 2: so tough that I don't allow myself to go there.

588
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:31,560
Speaker 2: And so I'm mourning this poor girl. I'm not mourning

589
00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:33,440
Speaker 2: I'm mourning my mother in her poor life. And I'm

590
00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:36,120
Speaker 2: mourning this poor girl because I can't imagine a child

591
00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:38,280
Speaker 2: going through that. But I just didn't accept it as

592
00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:40,240
Speaker 2: my own. I just make it like that's why I'm tough.

593
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:47,200
Speaker 2: And then I've pretended that it didn't happen. I like think,

594
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:49,760
Speaker 2: I think I'm making it up, you know, you stuff things.

595
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:54,360
Speaker 2: So when I went to college, I just didn't want

596
00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:56,960
Speaker 2: anything to do with this anymore. But like my mother

597
00:31:57,160 --> 00:31:59,240
Speaker 2: did love me in her way, and so I felt

598
00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:00,920
Speaker 2: like I had to be can to her and not

599
00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:04,520
Speaker 2: had to want it to She started to get like meaner.

600
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:06,240
Speaker 2: It just there was just a there was just a

601
00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:08,400
Speaker 2: change in her face and in her life. Even when

602
00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:09,959
Speaker 2: she was younger and when she was drinking and she

603
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:12,080
Speaker 2: was a bleaemic, it was like she still had that

604
00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:15,400
Speaker 2: beauty and that freshness about her that like, you know,

605
00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:17,800
Speaker 2: everybody was scared of her, the Virginia slims and the

606
00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:20,160
Speaker 2: tab and it was still sexy. It looked like some

607
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:24,600
Speaker 2: seventies ad and and and and then she started to

608
00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:26,920
Speaker 2: like look it starting now, I realize you can still

609
00:32:26,920 --> 00:32:29,440
Speaker 2: look beautiful at forty, you know, and fifty. But like

610
00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:32,080
Speaker 2: this is when it started. You started to see it

611
00:32:32,120 --> 00:32:35,880
Speaker 2: like it was destroying her whatever it was, all of

612
00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:39,000
Speaker 2: the toxins and self destruction was destroying her.

613
00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:43,880
Speaker 3: And like eating her alive. But you can't see it.

614
00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:46,320
Speaker 2: You can't intervene in your own life, like it's just

615
00:32:47,080 --> 00:32:49,800
Speaker 2: and I saw her differently, and her meanness was just different.

616
00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:54,480
Speaker 2: And she did yet she did nice things. She I

617
00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:56,360
Speaker 2: She found me an apartment while I was in France

618
00:32:56,360 --> 00:32:57,960
Speaker 2: to get a studio apartment in New York City, and

619
00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:00,719
Speaker 2: she wrote me letters and she was so that I

620
00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:03,520
Speaker 2: was coming back and we were gonna have holidays together.

621
00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:06,400
Speaker 2: And she took a couch and my friend Melissa Levine,

622
00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:09,480
Speaker 2: who I spoke to yesterday, remembers that she like staple

623
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:11,719
Speaker 2: gone fabric to this couch that she had had in

624
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:15,239
Speaker 2: our days of having like beautifully designed things, and it

625
00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:17,040
Speaker 2: was in my apartment. I don't want to make it

626
00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:18,480
Speaker 2: like she didn't love me.

627
00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:19,120
Speaker 3: And she didn't.

628
00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:23,840
Speaker 2: And she was so hilarious and so brilliant and so

629
00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:27,640
Speaker 2: wild and so electric. And I understand. I understand why

630
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:30,000
Speaker 2: men have fallen in love with her. I understand why

631
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:31,440
Speaker 2: so many men have fallen in love with me. I

632
00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:34,080
Speaker 2: have a part of her that is that, and and

633
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:37,640
Speaker 2: you know, there's a lot of me and her. And

634
00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:39,080
Speaker 2: sometimes I look at my face in the mirror and

635
00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:41,360
Speaker 2: I see her, and sometimes it's good, and sometimes it

636
00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:46,120
Speaker 2: scares me. And I've been going through all of this

637
00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:52,440
Speaker 2: in her death, and I have no anger. I wish

638
00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:54,520
Speaker 2: I could have found a way to connect to her

639
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:57,800
Speaker 2: later in life. Brynn begged me, I want to meet

640
00:33:57,800 --> 00:33:59,360
Speaker 2: your mama. I want to meet your mama. And I

641
00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:01,640
Speaker 2: didn't want to do it. I kept saying it was

642
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:03,960
Speaker 2: in a drawer, and I thought one day she would

643
00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:05,680
Speaker 2: pass and it would just be like nothing happened.

644
00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:07,160
Speaker 3: I really really thought that.

645
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:09,920
Speaker 2: I really thought that there's nothing and I'm sorry, no

646
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:13,160
Speaker 2: disrespect to men or sons. There's nothing like a mother

647
00:34:13,239 --> 00:34:16,160
Speaker 2: and a daughter bond. There's there's just nothing like what

648
00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:20,279
Speaker 2: it represents and what it's supposed to be and and

649
00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:22,920
Speaker 2: so so I didn't think it was gonna be this

650
00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:27,520
Speaker 2: kind of experience, like this emotional accident, like a trauma,

651
00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:30,359
Speaker 2: like bringing all this together, and I realized why I've

652
00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:33,400
Speaker 2: had such a challenge with relationships because I've never like

653
00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:36,480
Speaker 2: addressed this and I've been years ago there was a

654
00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:40,080
Speaker 2: People magazine oracle saying my baby saved me and then

655
00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:42,800
Speaker 2: I was unlovable, and part of me feels that's true.

656
00:34:43,719 --> 00:34:46,759
Speaker 2: I have. You know, I've always felt flawed and damaged,

657
00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:51,960
Speaker 2: and like every time I meet someone, it's like they're

658
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:56,080
Speaker 2: gonna judge my childhood and like why doesn't she have

659
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:58,000
Speaker 2: parents and why doesn't she speak to her family? And

660
00:34:58,040 --> 00:34:59,920
Speaker 2: I had no brothers and sisters either. Story I really was,

661
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:03,040
Speaker 2: and it's like self conscious, and I'm self conscious with

662
00:35:03,080 --> 00:35:03,520
Speaker 2: Britain who.

663
00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:05,480
Speaker 3: I want her to have a family. I want her

664
00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:06,279
Speaker 3: to have people around her.

665
00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:08,759
Speaker 2: I love that she gets to go do the barbecues

666
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:10,800
Speaker 2: and the family reunions with her father and his parents,

667
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:13,600
Speaker 2: Like I want that far as she deserves that. I

668
00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:16,640
Speaker 2: have that from my friends, but you know, I don't

669
00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:21,040
Speaker 2: really have that for myself. And this has brought up

670
00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:24,880
Speaker 2: not only everything and so I was looking through pictures.

671
00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:26,880
Speaker 2: I was looking through pictures. I wanted to get pictures.

672
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:29,200
Speaker 2: I want to represent her as the beautiful woman that

673
00:35:29,280 --> 00:35:31,279
Speaker 2: she was, because she that was important to her and

674
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:35,360
Speaker 2: it was true people worshiped her. And so I was

675
00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:39,960
Speaker 2: looking through pictures and then I couldn't find I still

676
00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:41,719
Speaker 2: can't find the one there's a picture of like the

677
00:35:41,800 --> 00:35:43,600
Speaker 2: day when I was a little kid that I remember

678
00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:45,800
Speaker 2: being happy, like I remember a nature day and I

679
00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:46,960
Speaker 2: just remember it.

680
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:47,840
Speaker 3: I don't know why you remember.

681
00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:50,200
Speaker 2: I remember this day, and I can't find the picture

682
00:35:50,239 --> 00:35:52,160
Speaker 2: representing that day. And I remember a picture of her

683
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:54,319
Speaker 2: when she looked like Michelle Pfeiffer at the racetrack, and

684
00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:57,920
Speaker 2: I couldn't find that. So I had gone through all

685
00:35:57,920 --> 00:36:00,560
Speaker 2: the pictures, and then yesterday I woke up and I

686
00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:02,680
Speaker 2: was just like listening to songs and normal grief and

687
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:06,839
Speaker 2: kind of fine and whatever. And I don't know why

688
00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:10,920
Speaker 2: this happened. I went into this other areas doesn't have photographs,

689
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:14,160
Speaker 2: just like another cabinet, and there's this plastic, clear container

690
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:17,080
Speaker 2: and it has different things from like my life, like

691
00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:20,480
Speaker 2: just different pieces of paper, my high school diploma, things

692
00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:23,600
Speaker 2: like that, an article I wrote in college, like and

693
00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:27,040
Speaker 2: I just and I found this zip block and it said.

694
00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:28,360
Speaker 3: Mom letters.

695
00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:32,040
Speaker 2: Now. I don't know why they're all from this one

696
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:33,839
Speaker 2: era which is now make me wonder where my other

697
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:37,440
Speaker 2: letters are. But and it was like it was funny

698
00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:40,680
Speaker 2: because it was Hello Kitty stationary, which I was. This

699
00:36:40,719 --> 00:36:42,440
Speaker 2: is when I was twenty years old. It was nineteen ninety.

700
00:36:42,480 --> 00:36:44,360
Speaker 2: But she had found on my stationary and I used to,

701
00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:45,880
Speaker 2: I guess, love Hello Kitty, and I make fun of

702
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:48,880
Speaker 2: Hello Kitty now and talk about her, but I loved her,

703
00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:51,160
Speaker 2: and I loved Ziggy and little Miss twin Star, And

704
00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:53,239
Speaker 2: so she started writing me these letters in this from

705
00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:58,399
Speaker 2: my childhood stationary, like when I was like twenty This

706
00:36:58,480 --> 00:37:03,320
Speaker 2: is long before my wedding where she really she really

707
00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:08,360
Speaker 2: was very very mean and me talking bad about me

708
00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:11,000
Speaker 2: at my wedding and my rehearsal dinner and criticizing it

709
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:14,120
Speaker 2: and got really drunk at my wedding and didn't want

710
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:16,640
Speaker 2: to come. And my wedding was the time that I

711
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:20,320
Speaker 2: found her in the supermarket with a cartload of alcohol

712
00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:22,960
Speaker 2: when I thought she was recovering, and she said she

713
00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:25,120
Speaker 2: wasn't going to come, and she danced all night and

714
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:31,160
Speaker 2: flirted with someone's husband and it was like and then

715
00:37:31,239 --> 00:37:33,360
Speaker 2: later said she should have brought John to my wedding,

716
00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:35,560
Speaker 2: like to be mean and criticized my ring and just

717
00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:38,120
Speaker 2: like mean, and she was mean at my bridal shower

718
00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:40,440
Speaker 2: and my friends remember she came and a bunch of

719
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:42,720
Speaker 2: traffic and she walked in and she said never again.

720
00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:44,000
Speaker 3: Never.

721
00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:46,640
Speaker 2: I just sat in traffic and like she was just

722
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:47,960
Speaker 2: pretty pretty terrible.

723
00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,160
Speaker 3: But I don't want to remember that. And so.

724
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:56,000
Speaker 2: I look yesterday in this clear bin, and I see

725
00:37:56,040 --> 00:38:01,239
Speaker 2: these mom letters and I start reading them and and

726
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:02,920
Speaker 2: I recognize her writing so well.

727
00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:06,080
Speaker 3: And she's writing you know.

728
00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:11,240
Speaker 2: Sometimes like you're like the mother and I'm the daughter,

729
00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:13,240
Speaker 2: and you're probably a better role model, and you didn't

730
00:38:13,239 --> 00:38:15,360
Speaker 2: have it easy. Like for her to say that is

731
00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:18,080
Speaker 2: like big because she doesn't have any accountability. She won't

732
00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:20,520
Speaker 2: she wouldn't allow herself to go there about what happened.

733
00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:23,120
Speaker 2: She's just the victim that like chose these men for

734
00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:25,120
Speaker 2: me and they beat her and she ruined her life.

735
00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:27,080
Speaker 2: She has no capability of like realizing that I was

736
00:38:27,120 --> 00:38:29,200
Speaker 2: the child and she was the mother, so much so

737
00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:30,919
Speaker 2: that she never even reached out to speak to Britain

738
00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:32,799
Speaker 2: like she doesn't realize the difference between the mother and

739
00:38:32,800 --> 00:38:36,960
Speaker 2: the daughter. But there were these sentences and these letters

740
00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:37,879
Speaker 2: that were saying like.

741
00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:39,680
Speaker 3: You are the light of my life. You are the

742
00:38:39,719 --> 00:38:41,759
Speaker 3: love of my life. You're the only one who really

743
00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:42,200
Speaker 3: knows me.

744
00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:46,640
Speaker 2: She was talking about all these this money in these letters,

745
00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:51,000
Speaker 2: like all this, all this these money is hues and

746
00:38:51,160 --> 00:38:53,840
Speaker 2: John fucked me over and didn't sign this and Bill

747
00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:57,640
Speaker 2: is destitute and filing bankruptcy and like I know it's

748
00:38:57,680 --> 00:38:59,759
Speaker 2: twenty and you're an adult, but like it was just

749
00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:00,920
Speaker 2: all this stuff on me.

750
00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:01,640
Speaker 3: At all times.

751
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:02,919
Speaker 2: I didn't know what to do for her. I didn't

752
00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:04,279
Speaker 2: know how to support her. I didn't know how to

753
00:39:04,280 --> 00:39:05,920
Speaker 2: like take care of her. I didn't know how to

754
00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:09,640
Speaker 2: do it. She was forty and I was twenty, and

755
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:12,200
Speaker 2: I mean that's not a kid, but like I was

756
00:39:12,239 --> 00:39:14,279
Speaker 2: the age when she had me. It was just a

757
00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:17,560
Speaker 2: lot to dump on me, I felt. But yesterday I

758
00:39:17,640 --> 00:39:20,920
Speaker 2: started to read these sentences, I was.

759
00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:22,919
Speaker 3: Like, you were the light, You're the life of love

760
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:24,680
Speaker 3: of my life. I mean I was dying and I

761
00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:26,920
Speaker 3: just I just and.

762
00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:29,680
Speaker 2: I just started to scream in my house, like I'm

763
00:39:29,719 --> 00:39:32,680
Speaker 2: a bad daughter. I have a bad daughter. Why didn't

764
00:39:32,719 --> 00:39:34,719
Speaker 2: I read these last month? And I would have gone there?

765
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:36,719
Speaker 2: And I was like freaking out. I mean, I was

766
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:39,960
Speaker 2: freaking out. I couldn't No one could help me, know.

767
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:42,520
Speaker 2: One I called, no one could say anything to me,

768
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:46,279
Speaker 2: and none of my friends nothing. And I started to

769
00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:49,680
Speaker 2: call my high school friends that I haven't spoken to

770
00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:52,200
Speaker 2: in years, and I was like, because they had been

771
00:39:52,400 --> 00:39:54,600
Speaker 2: Some of them had messaged and said, like, your mom,

772
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:57,640
Speaker 2: you know it was beautiful, you know, trying to make

773
00:39:57,719 --> 00:39:59,359
Speaker 2: light of it. And I was like, no, I don't

774
00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:00,880
Speaker 2: want to hear that. I need to hear that it

775
00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:03,440
Speaker 2: was real what I said. I need to know that.

776
00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:05,879
Speaker 2: I need to know that what I'm feeling is real.

777
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:07,480
Speaker 2: I need to hear what happened in that house. I

778
00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:09,719
Speaker 2: need to know why I disconnected from her because I'm

779
00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:14,080
Speaker 2: a bad daughter, Like why did I disconnect? Tell me

780
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:20,200
Speaker 2: what happened, you know, like why? And I spoke to

781
00:40:20,239 --> 00:40:23,200
Speaker 2: my friend Melissa, who had her own horrendous challenges, and

782
00:40:23,239 --> 00:40:25,719
Speaker 2: she was like, those are words about thatany those are

783
00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:29,680
Speaker 2: words letters. She's like, because she had an extraordinary experience too,

784
00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:33,640
Speaker 2: and she said, I have letters like that from my

785
00:40:33,719 --> 00:40:37,480
Speaker 2: mother too, but those are not She didn't give you

786
00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:39,879
Speaker 2: what you needed as a child, like she was the mother,

787
00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:40,640
Speaker 2: you were the daughter.

788
00:40:40,719 --> 00:40:43,000
Speaker 3: There are things that no child needs, like you were

789
00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:44,040
Speaker 3: the deed of the adult.

790
00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:49,279
Speaker 2: And she was really, you know, helping me because I

791
00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:55,400
Speaker 2: needed I needed some information from that house. And my

792
00:40:55,520 --> 00:40:58,400
Speaker 2: friend that said, as someone that cares a lot about you,

793
00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:00,920
Speaker 2: I would compare you to a relative that I just

794
00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:01,759
Speaker 2: don't get to see much.

795
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:03,759
Speaker 3: You can take this one off your plate. In terms

796
00:41:03,760 --> 00:41:04,160
Speaker 3: of blame.

797
00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:07,120
Speaker 2: Your mother had some serious issues in John Paracella was

798
00:41:07,200 --> 00:41:10,080
Speaker 2: her spouse and abusive to you. I don't recall your

799
00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:12,200
Speaker 2: mother being any type of positive force, and I do

800
00:41:12,280 --> 00:41:14,480
Speaker 2: not want to get to specifics unless you want me to.

801
00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:16,840
Speaker 2: You a delta hand that no one should ever have

802
00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:20,120
Speaker 2: been dealt no one. Your house was criminally chaotic, abusive,

803
00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:23,439
Speaker 2: and detrimental to providing stability and any kind of self

804
00:41:23,520 --> 00:41:24,040
Speaker 2: esteem for you.

805
00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:25,640
Speaker 3: What you can do is what you are doing.

806
00:41:25,719 --> 00:41:28,200
Speaker 2: Take those negatives, raise a daughter with the acknowledgment that

807
00:41:28,239 --> 00:41:30,160
Speaker 2: you were a child put in a horrible circumstance and

808
00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:35,320
Speaker 2: you learned from it. And I've never heard of someone

809
00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:37,319
Speaker 2: wanting to hear the bad not because I want to

810
00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:41,840
Speaker 2: disrespect our memory, but because I want to put this somewhere.

811
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:44,279
Speaker 2: I want to like walk through this and like be

812
00:41:44,360 --> 00:41:46,600
Speaker 2: able to have a life and a good relationship and

813
00:41:46,640 --> 00:42:00,239
Speaker 2: like be the full person that I could be. And

814
00:42:00,239 --> 00:42:07,839
Speaker 2: and I've had friends tell me. My other friend said

815
00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:10,799
Speaker 2: this was trauma to the bringhard because you were her

816
00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:13,200
Speaker 2: same gender, her only child, a beauty like her, and

817
00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:15,560
Speaker 2: she was fiercely proud of you. You craved the connection

818
00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:18,200
Speaker 2: any daughter wants. And not only did she not allow

819
00:42:18,239 --> 00:42:21,120
Speaker 2: you to securely attached to her, she also it's not

820
00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:24,600
Speaker 2: the right phrase, but almost like strung you along by

821
00:42:24,760 --> 00:42:28,360
Speaker 2: sometimes allowing you to feel the connection. If the story

822
00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:30,600
Speaker 2: is just she's a bad guy that hurts, but it's

823
00:42:30,640 --> 00:42:33,640
Speaker 2: not multifaceted. What makes it harder is the contradiction and

824
00:42:33,719 --> 00:42:37,479
Speaker 2: duality because it's true I loved her and I worshiped her,

825
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:42,279
Speaker 2: and I'm mourning now the loss of like getting that

826
00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:46,480
Speaker 2: once I got a little bit as a child. So

827
00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:49,760
Speaker 2: these friends have really helped me to release this, because

828
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:53,399
Speaker 2: to release myself of the guilt. You know one girl,

829
00:42:53,480 --> 00:42:55,880
Speaker 2: me and Russo who's always messaging me on Instagram.

830
00:42:55,920 --> 00:42:56,800
Speaker 3: She's such a supporter.

831
00:42:56,880 --> 00:42:59,239
Speaker 2: She's a very rare person that I knew as a

832
00:42:59,360 --> 00:43:04,799
Speaker 2: child who's a big fan. She said, we dropped my

833
00:43:04,840 --> 00:43:08,680
Speaker 2: family dropped ourselves off first after a concert in the city,

834
00:43:08,719 --> 00:43:12,080
Speaker 2: way too young, and that she was then left alone

835
00:43:12,440 --> 00:43:15,720
Speaker 2: with the limo driver and there was before a cell phone,

836
00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:17,879
Speaker 2: so she was lost in crying and called her parents.

837
00:43:17,920 --> 00:43:19,759
Speaker 2: She's like, it was not what should happen with a

838
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:21,319
Speaker 2: thirteen year old to be in a car alone with

839
00:43:21,360 --> 00:43:25,560
Speaker 2: a man driving her. And Laura, who texted me that

840
00:43:25,640 --> 00:43:28,759
Speaker 2: other really smart text, said that my mother dropped the

841
00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:30,640
Speaker 2: two of us off on the Meadowbrook Highway. We had

842
00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:32,759
Speaker 2: to get out of the car because I got into

843
00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:37,239
Speaker 2: a fight with her. It just wasn't really what it

844
00:43:37,320 --> 00:43:43,680
Speaker 2: should be. And I need to now make this something

845
00:43:44,160 --> 00:43:48,880
Speaker 2: meaningful for you. What I need to make this meaningful

846
00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:51,160
Speaker 2: for you is Mother's Days coming up in Mother's Days

847
00:43:51,160 --> 00:43:55,640
Speaker 2: and about perfection and making people feel bad if they're

848
00:43:55,680 --> 00:43:59,279
Speaker 2: not a mother, And it's not about making everything about

849
00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:02,800
Speaker 2: flowers and think Mother's Day is about if you think

850
00:44:04,000 --> 00:44:06,680
Speaker 2: you're doing a good job, or if you feel like

851
00:44:06,680 --> 00:44:11,360
Speaker 2: you're a good mother, to reflect, to applaud yourself, to

852
00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:15,200
Speaker 2: celebrate that. But if you feel like you're failing and

853
00:44:15,239 --> 00:44:17,399
Speaker 2: you feel like you're not you're flawed and you're not

854
00:44:17,480 --> 00:44:19,239
Speaker 2: doing the best job, but there's always a way to

855
00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:23,000
Speaker 2: change and intervene. And that if you're thinking about being

856
00:44:23,040 --> 00:44:25,520
Speaker 2: a mother, the responsibility that it ultimately is to be

857
00:44:25,560 --> 00:44:29,640
Speaker 2: a mother. And if you have a mother, thinking about

858
00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:32,200
Speaker 2: the fact that they themselves have been going through tremendous

859
00:44:32,239 --> 00:44:34,040
Speaker 2: trauma in their life too, and they have their own

860
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:37,480
Speaker 2: story that's hard for you to understand that is part

861
00:44:37,520 --> 00:44:42,279
Speaker 2: of the fabric of who they are, and you know,

862
00:44:43,200 --> 00:44:45,359
Speaker 2: and that I don't know what kind of event could

863
00:44:45,360 --> 00:44:48,440
Speaker 2: happen for you to get in touch with this, but

864
00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:49,719
Speaker 2: I do wish I got in touch with this so

865
00:44:49,760 --> 00:44:54,680
Speaker 2: many years ago. I literally couldn't. I literally couldn't. And

866
00:44:54,760 --> 00:45:01,480
Speaker 2: I do feel like I have been cheating because I

867
00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:08,799
Speaker 2: haven't been able to really like access this. And I

868
00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:21,799
Speaker 2: think that I think that that I'm lucky to you know,

869
00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:23,040
Speaker 2: I've had great loves in.

870
00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:24,120
Speaker 3: My life, people to love me.

871
00:45:24,200 --> 00:45:28,720
Speaker 2: Just might be being unlovable, people like Larry, people like Peter,

872
00:45:29,080 --> 00:45:32,799
Speaker 2: people like Paul, because there's a lot of work I

873
00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:34,239
Speaker 2: have to do on myself, and I think this is

874
00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:37,160
Speaker 2: unlocking it. And I think this is just this divorce

875
00:45:37,239 --> 00:45:40,000
Speaker 2: trauma and this and I'm sure it's related. I'm sure

876
00:45:40,080 --> 00:45:42,480
Speaker 2: there's a reason I've chosen some of the people that

877
00:45:42,520 --> 00:45:47,720
Speaker 2: I've chosen. So as Mother's Day approaches in the next month,

878
00:45:48,880 --> 00:45:52,800
Speaker 2: give yourself grace and you can always change. And please,

879
00:45:52,960 --> 00:45:57,239
Speaker 2: I beg that you connect with somebody who's entirely impossible

880
00:45:57,280 --> 00:46:02,360
Speaker 2: to connect with, because it will heal some lifelong wounds

881
00:46:02,360 --> 00:46:06,520
Speaker 2: that have been bothering you. In time just passes, like

882
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:09,920
Speaker 2: I don't really think there's anything that I could have

883
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:16,120
Speaker 2: done differently because there was such a meanness. That's why

884
00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:18,800
Speaker 2: I'm struggling up to the end, up to when my

885
00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:20,239
Speaker 2: daughter was with my mother, and my mother was on

886
00:46:20,280 --> 00:46:22,080
Speaker 2: the phone with her a couple of months ago, and I.

887
00:46:22,040 --> 00:46:23,319
Speaker 3: Barely even believe that she was sick.

888
00:46:23,400 --> 00:46:25,160
Speaker 2: She always was every time we were on the phone,

889
00:46:25,160 --> 00:46:27,439
Speaker 2: from when I was twenty to now.

890
00:46:27,480 --> 00:46:29,000
Speaker 3: It was just always everything was.

891
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:31,319
Speaker 2: Just a complaint and what she and being mean to

892
00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:34,799
Speaker 2: me and what she did for me, and when she

893
00:46:34,920 --> 00:46:39,160
Speaker 2: was only talking about ailments all day long, I almost

894
00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:41,880
Speaker 2: didn't believe it. And one day she said to my daughter,

895
00:46:42,080 --> 00:46:44,239
Speaker 2: who I think at the time was twelve, no thin

896
00:46:44,360 --> 00:46:47,000
Speaker 2: she was thirteen, like, I don't know, I might die

897
00:46:47,160 --> 00:46:48,960
Speaker 2: or something and I was like, I said no, no, no,

898
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:51,840
Speaker 2: you can't. You can't say that to my daughter. And

899
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:54,719
Speaker 2: she said, oh, I can't stand you. And Brinn heard it,

900
00:46:56,280 --> 00:46:59,040
Speaker 2: and Brin's ever heard anything like that, like in a

901
00:46:59,280 --> 00:47:03,320
Speaker 2: relations in a relationship where it's supposed to be so loving,

902
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:05,080
Speaker 2: and I think it shocked her. And I was like,

903
00:47:05,120 --> 00:47:07,520
Speaker 2: it's okay. Her relationship with you has nothing to do

904
00:47:08,840 --> 00:47:10,600
Speaker 2: with that. She had a hard life and she just

905
00:47:10,719 --> 00:47:15,000
Speaker 2: wasn't the mommy that I was to you, you know.

906
00:47:15,320 --> 00:47:20,319
Speaker 2: And and we were on the phone recently and it

907
00:47:20,360 --> 00:47:21,479
Speaker 2: was all these years later.

908
00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:22,600
Speaker 3: She's sick.

909
00:47:22,719 --> 00:47:27,080
Speaker 2: She's cancer, colon cancer to lung cancer, like really sick,

910
00:47:27,120 --> 00:47:30,480
Speaker 2: colossy bag, the whole thing. And I saw her and

911
00:47:30,520 --> 00:47:35,879
Speaker 2: she's like, you know, gotta beat eighty eight pounds. And

912
00:47:35,920 --> 00:47:38,320
Speaker 2: we were on the phone. She's like, I gained ten pounds.

913
00:47:38,360 --> 00:47:40,480
Speaker 2: And I was right back there to like my whole

914
00:47:40,560 --> 00:47:43,240
Speaker 2: childhood of every week, Oh no, I gained ten pounds.

915
00:47:43,320 --> 00:47:46,160
Speaker 3: And then the mood she'd be in the mood swings.

916
00:47:46,239 --> 00:47:49,080
Speaker 2: And I was like, and you just you roll your

917
00:47:49,080 --> 00:47:52,560
Speaker 2: eyes and you're just like, I'm sure you look great.

918
00:47:52,600 --> 00:47:54,000
Speaker 2: Like the things that you have to say to people

919
00:47:54,040 --> 00:47:56,560
Speaker 2: like this, and I'm like, and I doubt you did.

920
00:47:56,600 --> 00:48:00,719
Speaker 2: You're very thin, you know, like thousands of times I've

921
00:48:00,760 --> 00:48:03,960
Speaker 2: said this, and then she goes, no, really no, I

922
00:48:04,040 --> 00:48:05,759
Speaker 2: gain and I said, okay, I said, but we don't

923
00:48:05,760 --> 00:48:07,319
Speaker 2: talk like that in front of Brin, Like that's not

924
00:48:07,440 --> 00:48:09,440
Speaker 2: something that I that goes on in this house. Like

925
00:48:09,760 --> 00:48:11,520
Speaker 2: because I thought of I was like impatient with her

926
00:48:11,560 --> 00:48:13,680
Speaker 2: because the one thing that was in the way of

927
00:48:13,680 --> 00:48:16,240
Speaker 2: my entire relationship with my mother was the eating disorder.

928
00:48:16,280 --> 00:48:21,280
Speaker 2: It was the one biggest thing because I couldn't stomach

929
00:48:21,360 --> 00:48:23,440
Speaker 2: being at a meal with her. I was embarrassed to

930
00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:25,319
Speaker 2: have her come to anyone's house because I thought she

931
00:48:25,400 --> 00:48:26,839
Speaker 2: was I knew she was gonna throw up all over

932
00:48:26,840 --> 00:48:28,680
Speaker 2: their bathroom and then it was gonna smell and everyone

933
00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:32,400
Speaker 2: would know. I never wanted to be I didn't want

934
00:48:32,440 --> 00:48:34,000
Speaker 2: meals are part of life. I didn't want to go

935
00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:36,520
Speaker 2: to dinner with her, have dinner at home, have her cook,

936
00:48:36,520 --> 00:48:38,800
Speaker 2: have her talk about food, have it.

937
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:39,439
Speaker 3: I just.

938
00:48:40,840 --> 00:48:44,360
Speaker 2: It just was like a big pediment. Impediment. So addiction,

939
00:48:44,920 --> 00:48:49,680
Speaker 2: you know, when they say addiction is Steve Madden, I

940
00:48:49,719 --> 00:48:52,040
Speaker 2: always bring him back. He said, addiction is your number one,

941
00:48:52,440 --> 00:48:55,720
Speaker 2: Like it's your safety, your control, your your best friend,

942
00:48:55,719 --> 00:48:59,640
Speaker 2: your lover, your your and you are incapable of being

943
00:48:59,680 --> 00:49:03,040
Speaker 2: on a with anybody else. And you are incapable of

944
00:49:03,160 --> 00:49:05,440
Speaker 2: true human connection if you're an addict, because you are

945
00:49:05,480 --> 00:49:12,000
Speaker 2: already completely committed to something else, and it's impossible to

946
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:14,120
Speaker 2: be a full parent. So many of you have, you know,

947
00:49:14,239 --> 00:49:18,120
Speaker 2: addiction issues in your family too, And I feel you.

948
00:49:18,239 --> 00:49:21,759
Speaker 2: I feel all of it, and so I'm hoping and

949
00:49:21,800 --> 00:49:23,239
Speaker 2: I just want you to know that this is a lot,

950
00:49:23,280 --> 00:49:24,919
Speaker 2: and I know that it's a lot, and I really

951
00:49:25,000 --> 00:49:27,680
Speaker 2: haven't had any place to put it. And I've been writing,

952
00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:30,239
Speaker 2: and I've been thinking, and I've been listening to a

953
00:49:30,280 --> 00:49:33,279
Speaker 2: lot of music and walking walking if you're going through something,

954
00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:36,680
Speaker 2: walking is so helpful. I just walk outside my house water,

955
00:49:36,960 --> 00:49:41,400
Speaker 2: hot bath, cold, shower, like Water's helpful. And I do

956
00:49:41,480 --> 00:49:43,399
Speaker 2: believe that you have to go through it. And I

957
00:49:43,440 --> 00:49:46,680
Speaker 2: just hope that my healing process will help yours, because

958
00:49:46,840 --> 00:49:50,239
Speaker 2: it's been all this toxins stuck inside of me.

959
00:49:50,719 --> 00:49:51,680
Speaker 3: And this woman.

960
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:55,680
Speaker 2: I was reading this article that this woman, Barbie Adler,

961
00:49:57,200 --> 00:49:59,400
Speaker 2: she was quoted and she was saying that until you

962
00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:01,400
Speaker 2: to get it to a relationship, you have to be

963
00:50:01,440 --> 00:50:03,200
Speaker 2: a person that you'd want to be in a relationship with,

964
00:50:03,280 --> 00:50:07,240
Speaker 2: like yourself, your full self. And I was thinking about

965
00:50:07,239 --> 00:50:10,400
Speaker 2: how I haven't been my full self.

966
00:50:10,520 --> 00:50:10,920
Speaker 3: I don't know.

967
00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:12,239
Speaker 2: I don't know how I could have been my full

968
00:50:12,280 --> 00:50:14,480
Speaker 2: self with all this stuff. And it's weird the things

969
00:50:14,520 --> 00:50:16,520
Speaker 2: I'm thinking about. It's weird thinking about Ramona on the

970
00:50:16,520 --> 00:50:19,799
Speaker 2: bridge saying to me, you're gonna you know, you can't,

971
00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:21,360
Speaker 2: you won't be loved, or you have no friends, or

972
00:50:21,400 --> 00:50:24,360
Speaker 2: things like that, because those kind of things hurt, but

973
00:50:24,400 --> 00:50:27,239
Speaker 2: they're also why I have very few friends, why why

974
00:50:27,280 --> 00:50:29,600
Speaker 2: I have close, close, close friends. I don't trust anybody,

975
00:50:29,840 --> 00:50:34,279
Speaker 2: and I keep my circle very tight because the defining,

976
00:50:34,719 --> 00:50:39,560
Speaker 2: original trusting relationships that that mold you and give you

977
00:50:39,560 --> 00:50:43,600
Speaker 2: the foundation to have future trusting relationships I didn't have.

978
00:50:44,800 --> 00:50:46,680
Speaker 2: I did not that, I didn't even have role models.

979
00:50:46,719 --> 00:50:48,600
Speaker 2: I didn't have that like attachment feeling.

980
00:50:49,040 --> 00:50:51,200
Speaker 3: I was alone. I've been alone my.

981
00:50:51,280 --> 00:50:55,239
Speaker 2: Entire life, So that's why I'm alone a lot now.

982
00:50:58,840 --> 00:51:03,160
Speaker 2: So thank you guys for listening. And I hope on

983
00:51:03,280 --> 00:51:06,680
Speaker 2: some level this helps you to heal and to forgive

984
00:51:06,760 --> 00:51:10,080
Speaker 2: and to forgive yourself and to be loving and graceful

985
00:51:10,520 --> 00:51:13,560
Speaker 2: to yourself, thank you