WEBVTT - Dealing with Disappointment (And When Things Don’t Go Your Way) 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:03.960 We assume that our effort guarantees a reward, and we 0:00:04.000 --> 0:00:07.240 assume that being good means that we will get good things. 0:00:07.480 --> 0:00:10.039 We assume that life owes us something based on the 0:00:10.080 --> 0:00:12.360 work or the effort that we've put in. And the 0:00:12.440 --> 0:00:15.600 truth is, sometimes you will do every single thing right 0:00:16.000 --> 0:00:18.599 and it still won't work out. I'm Rady Wukiah and 0:00:18.680 --> 0:00:21.400 on my podcast A Really Good Cry, we embrace the 0:00:22.120 --> 0:00:25.480 messy and the beautiful, providing a space for raw, unfielded 0:00:25.520 --> 0:00:29.280 conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune in 0:00:29.360 --> 0:00:33.360 to learn, connect and find comfort together. Hey everyone, and 0:00:33.400 --> 0:00:36.120 welcome back to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry. 0:00:36.640 --> 0:00:39.320 I hope that your week has been good. To be honest, 0:00:39.560 --> 0:00:43.000 I've been really struggling with feeling so tired lately, and 0:00:43.080 --> 0:00:45.920 I don't know whether it's the weather or it's just 0:00:46.080 --> 0:00:48.640 my body just struggling to really move into this season. 0:00:49.280 --> 0:00:51.840 But I have heard that people get sick the most 0:00:51.920 --> 0:00:54.840 during seasonal transitions, so right now we're kind of going 0:00:54.840 --> 0:00:57.120 from autumn to winter, and I've been hearing what so 0:00:57.120 --> 0:00:59.320 many people getting coughs and calls, So I've really been 0:00:59.360 --> 0:01:02.640 trying to support my body and follow what Kieran the 0:01:02.720 --> 0:01:06.240 Incredible Gut Expects said in my recent podcast about improving 0:01:06.240 --> 0:01:08.400 your gut health. So I've been taking my jester of 0:01:08.480 --> 0:01:12.360 probiotics and my digestive bit is before my meals, and honestly, 0:01:12.560 --> 0:01:15.800 so far, so good. Touch would I have been feeling 0:01:15.840 --> 0:01:19.120 pretty good. So this is your reminder to make sure 0:01:19.200 --> 0:01:21.200 that you are doing all the things that you need 0:01:21.240 --> 0:01:24.320 to stay healthy and well this season. So this week 0:01:24.360 --> 0:01:27.160 I actually did a panel and one of the questions 0:01:27.200 --> 0:01:30.319 I got asked was how do you deal with disappointment? 0:01:30.440 --> 0:01:32.520 And I was thinking about the question even after the 0:01:32.560 --> 0:01:37.120 panel about my relationship with disappointment and how much has 0:01:37.160 --> 0:01:40.360 actually changed over the years. I used to be someone 0:01:40.720 --> 0:01:43.920 that got disappointed a lot. Either I would feel like 0:01:44.000 --> 0:01:46.480 someone wasn't doing as much as I was, that they 0:01:46.480 --> 0:01:48.720 weren't reciprocating in the way that I wanted them to, 0:01:49.520 --> 0:01:53.280 or rejection would feel really personal, or that something didn't 0:01:53.320 --> 0:01:55.120 quite happen the way that I had envisioned it the 0:01:55.120 --> 0:01:57.000 way that I'd planned it out to be, so I'd 0:01:57.000 --> 0:02:00.360 be disappointed. Disappointed. Disappointment that's a place that I lived 0:02:00.400 --> 0:02:03.080 in for a really long time, and it began to 0:02:03.200 --> 0:02:06.160 change how I actually interacted with people in the world, 0:02:06.680 --> 0:02:08.919 and one day I just realized, like, I don't want 0:02:08.960 --> 0:02:10.960 to do this anymore. I don't want to be a 0:02:11.000 --> 0:02:14.919 fit thing moaning myrtal over here. That's not me, or 0:02:14.919 --> 0:02:16.800 at least that's not who I want to be. I 0:02:16.800 --> 0:02:18.880 don't want to feel like the victim. I don't want 0:02:18.919 --> 0:02:21.320 to look at the world pessimistically. I don't want to 0:02:21.560 --> 0:02:24.160 see people and expect them to disappoint me. I don't 0:02:24.160 --> 0:02:26.359 want to see the world through the eyes of constant 0:02:26.440 --> 0:02:29.480 sadness or frustration. And let's be real, it is such 0:02:29.480 --> 0:02:31.960 a common feeling. You order a pizza and it doesn't 0:02:31.960 --> 0:02:34.280 have enough cheese and you're like, oh, I'm so disappointed. 0:02:34.600 --> 0:02:37.200 You put trust in a partner or a friend and 0:02:37.240 --> 0:02:41.120 they don't follow through. You're disappointed. You watch Gilmore Girls 0:02:41.160 --> 0:02:43.800 again forgetting how it ended, and expect Rory and just 0:02:43.840 --> 0:02:47.359 to get back together, but they didn't. Really disappointed. Actually, 0:02:47.639 --> 0:02:49.239 that part of my life was really sad. I was 0:02:49.280 --> 0:02:51.120 thinking about it for like a whole week. Why did 0:02:51.120 --> 0:02:53.200 they not get back together? Why did I think that 0:02:53.280 --> 0:02:55.400 they should have? And I created a whole reality in 0:02:55.400 --> 0:02:57.480 my mind where that happened, But it actually didn't, and 0:02:57.520 --> 0:03:00.480 I was extremely disappointed after that, and I had to 0:03:00.480 --> 0:03:04.160 say to myself with some serious tough love, babes, it 0:03:04.280 --> 0:03:07.400 is a you thing. And yes, people do do stuff, 0:03:07.480 --> 0:03:09.360 People do things that you don't want them to, people 0:03:09.440 --> 0:03:12.480 do do things that are sometimes very horrible. And yes, 0:03:12.560 --> 0:03:15.480 things happen that you didn't expect or want, things don't 0:03:15.480 --> 0:03:18.960 go to plan, and your life maybe in complete shambles. 0:03:19.160 --> 0:03:23.359 But choosing to feel disappointment was a choice, not a given. 0:03:23.480 --> 0:03:26.359 It's not something that was given to you. It's something 0:03:26.400 --> 0:03:28.240 that you are choosing to feel from the things that 0:03:28.280 --> 0:03:30.760 are given to you. And so here is a question 0:03:31.080 --> 0:03:35.800 to ask yourself, what if disappointment isn't something that happens 0:03:35.840 --> 0:03:38.360 to you, but it's something that you're creating. And I 0:03:38.400 --> 0:03:41.880 know that sometimes that can be really difficult to digest 0:03:41.960 --> 0:03:44.600 because there are a lot of things that feel unfair 0:03:44.600 --> 0:03:46.760 in this world. There are so many things that happen 0:03:46.880 --> 0:03:49.160 to us, even if we feel like we're good people. 0:03:49.680 --> 0:03:54.560 And so it's really not about diminishing or making something 0:03:54.600 --> 0:03:57.240 that's happened to you feel small or insignificant. It's not 0:03:57.360 --> 0:04:00.880 that at all. But it's helping you to realize you 0:04:01.000 --> 0:04:03.800 have a choice to carry that with you day in 0:04:03.920 --> 0:04:07.400 day out, week after week. And so it's less about 0:04:07.760 --> 0:04:10.640 what they've done, being right or wrong. It's more about 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:13.040 do you want to carry this? Do you want to 0:04:13.080 --> 0:04:15.480 take on this weight and this responsibility? Do you want 0:04:15.520 --> 0:04:19.719 to take on this constant sadness, this constant frustration through 0:04:19.720 --> 0:04:21.280 your life, and do you want to see the world 0:04:21.279 --> 0:04:23.799 in that way? And sometimes this ends up being really difficult, 0:04:23.839 --> 0:04:26.960 Like I feel like this world of self help and 0:04:27.080 --> 0:04:29.480 growth and trying to be better people, it feels like, 0:04:29.520 --> 0:04:31.520 why is everything something I have to fix? Why can't 0:04:31.520 --> 0:04:34.200 it be their fault? And yes, it is a lot 0:04:34.200 --> 0:04:36.920 of responsibility, and it is difficult when the fingers pointed 0:04:37.160 --> 0:04:39.480 constantly back to you when you're thinking, actually, I didn't 0:04:39.480 --> 0:04:42.479 make myself upset. They did. But if you are trying 0:04:42.520 --> 0:04:45.440 to live in a victim mindset, you're listening to the 0:04:45.480 --> 0:04:49.440 wrong podcast. Because here we have to own things and 0:04:49.480 --> 0:04:52.359 we make our lives better and we do the work required. 0:04:52.880 --> 0:04:55.599 And that is the hard part about trying to be better, 0:04:55.880 --> 0:04:58.240 that you can't keep blaming other people for the way 0:04:58.240 --> 0:04:59.720 that you feel, the way that you live through life, 0:04:59.760 --> 0:05:02.039 the way that you see the world, the way that 0:05:02.080 --> 0:05:05.440 you see your circumstances. So first things first is you 0:05:05.480 --> 0:05:08.560 have to take ownership not of the entire situation, but 0:05:08.640 --> 0:05:11.320 of how it's making you feel. And often it's not 0:05:11.400 --> 0:05:14.200 the situations we're in or life that's the problem. It's 0:05:14.200 --> 0:05:16.720 the expectations that we are putting on them. Every single 0:05:16.720 --> 0:05:18.280 time I've struggled to deal with the hand that I've 0:05:18.320 --> 0:05:21.560 been out or felt like something was unfair, it wasn't 0:05:21.600 --> 0:05:24.520 because life was actually unfair. It was because my expectations 0:05:24.560 --> 0:05:28.479 were clashing with reality. I had created this picture in 0:05:28.560 --> 0:05:32.360 my mind of how things should be a job, a relationship, 0:05:32.440 --> 0:05:35.640 an opportunity, or even how a version of myself should look, 0:05:36.279 --> 0:05:39.240 and when life didn't match that picture, it led to 0:05:39.279 --> 0:05:42.000 this feeling of disappointment. And so it wasn't even that 0:05:42.040 --> 0:05:45.120 life was necessarily painful, even though sometimes it is. But 0:05:45.200 --> 0:05:47.440 it was more that my attachment to how I thought 0:05:47.480 --> 0:05:51.680 life should be wasn't happening. And that's what disappointment is. 0:05:51.839 --> 0:05:55.320 It is this gap between your expectation and your reality. 0:05:55.680 --> 0:05:58.960 It's this mismatch between this idea that you've created and 0:05:59.000 --> 0:06:01.600 what's happening in real time or real life. And so 0:06:01.640 --> 0:06:04.839 the wider that gap is the harder the fall ends 0:06:04.920 --> 0:06:08.320 up being. The more you create this vision of how 0:06:08.360 --> 0:06:11.400 this relationship should be, how this person should be treating you. 0:06:11.960 --> 0:06:14.800 The more you've created that before it's actually happened, the 0:06:14.880 --> 0:06:16.920 harder you're going to fall, and the worse it's going 0:06:16.960 --> 0:06:18.719 to feel when it doesn't. And I think we just 0:06:18.720 --> 0:06:22.159 taught to romanticize everything. We romanticize every single thing. We 0:06:22.279 --> 0:06:24.080 romanticize a walk in the park, which actually can be 0:06:24.120 --> 0:06:27.720 really nice, but we also romanticize things that haven't happened yet, 0:06:28.080 --> 0:06:33.000 including relationships, including friendships, including success, including timelines, including outcomes. 0:06:33.520 --> 0:06:37.440 We assume that our effort guarantees a reward, and we 0:06:37.480 --> 0:06:40.720 assume that being good means that we will get good things. 0:06:40.920 --> 0:06:43.520 We assume that life owes us something based on the 0:06:43.560 --> 0:06:45.839 work or the effort that we've put in. And the 0:06:45.920 --> 0:06:49.080 truth is, sometimes you will do every single thing right 0:06:49.480 --> 0:06:51.800 and it still won't work out. And if your peace 0:06:51.880 --> 0:06:55.440 only exists when things go your way, you will always 0:06:55.560 --> 0:06:58.360 be at war with reality. And so a big part 0:06:58.360 --> 0:07:01.080 of dealing with disappointment is actually being more present in 0:07:01.120 --> 0:07:03.680 the moment and seeing what life is actually giving you 0:07:03.839 --> 0:07:06.760 rather than what you are constantly wanting for yourself. And 0:07:06.920 --> 0:07:09.440 that can be really difficult because, of course we have 0:07:09.480 --> 0:07:12.160 aspirations for what we want in life, and that is 0:07:12.240 --> 0:07:15.000 so okay. Of course we should have them, but we 0:07:15.040 --> 0:07:17.120 also need to be in touch with reality at the 0:07:17.120 --> 0:07:20.720 same time so that we don't constantly live in disappointment. 0:07:20.960 --> 0:07:23.280 There's this thin line and this balance that we have 0:07:23.360 --> 0:07:27.880 to strike between having aspirations and having this desire to 0:07:27.920 --> 0:07:32.239 have something happen, but also realizing that we are committing 0:07:32.280 --> 0:07:35.200 to the process, not just the result. We're committing to 0:07:35.240 --> 0:07:37.600 what we're going to receive from the process and from 0:07:37.840 --> 0:07:40.000 the progress that we're making while we're trying to make 0:07:40.040 --> 0:07:43.320 this result happen. But if the result doesn't happen, we 0:07:43.400 --> 0:07:45.560 also have to be aware of what we've gained through 0:07:45.600 --> 0:07:48.280 that journey, what we've gained through that process. And the 0:07:48.280 --> 0:07:50.600 problem is if we're constantly attached to a specific result, 0:07:50.680 --> 0:07:52.840 we're actually never going to enjoy life because the result 0:07:52.920 --> 0:07:55.000 ends up being such a small part of our life. 0:07:55.080 --> 0:07:59.520 The end product is usually a fleeting experience or a 0:08:00.280 --> 0:08:04.080 excitement that we get. It's not usually the longest part 0:08:04.080 --> 0:08:06.040 of life. The longest part of life is the process. 0:08:06.080 --> 0:08:07.960 Most of the time, it's the progress that we're making. 0:08:08.400 --> 0:08:11.040 It's the steps in between, and so if we're not 0:08:11.120 --> 0:08:14.480 learning how to appreciate that and gain from that, then 0:08:14.720 --> 0:08:17.080 our bursts of happiness and joy are going to be 0:08:17.160 --> 0:08:19.440 very fleeting and very small when we reach those little 0:08:19.480 --> 0:08:22.480 milestones that we're creating for ourselves. I recently read an 0:08:22.520 --> 0:08:25.840 article that said that the way that we handle disappointment 0:08:26.040 --> 0:08:29.600 actually starts early in our childhood conditioning. Now, I don't 0:08:29.640 --> 0:08:32.000 think that that means it's our parents' fault, but I 0:08:32.000 --> 0:08:34.640 think what it means is how we deal with disappointment 0:08:34.640 --> 0:08:37.560 from a young age naturally shapes how we deal with 0:08:37.600 --> 0:08:39.960 it in our adulthood, and becoming aware of that is 0:08:40.000 --> 0:08:43.160 really important. So sometimes taking yourself back to how you 0:08:43.280 --> 0:08:46.040 reacted when you can remember you first being disappointment, maybe 0:08:46.040 --> 0:08:47.600 you didn't get the gift that you wanted as a kid, 0:08:47.679 --> 0:08:50.880 maybe something of taken away from me, maybe your mom 0:08:50.920 --> 0:08:53.120 said you can't go somewhere. How did you react in 0:08:53.160 --> 0:08:55.240 that moment, and how do the people around you react? 0:08:55.800 --> 0:08:58.880 And some people, after facing disappointment, they learn to protect 0:08:58.920 --> 0:09:02.319 themselves by shrinking. They set the bar really low, They 0:09:02.320 --> 0:09:05.640 stop hoping too much, because if they don't expect anything, 0:09:05.840 --> 0:09:07.719 then they just can't be let down. But that ends 0:09:07.760 --> 0:09:09.680 up being a false piece. It's not a real peace. 0:09:09.800 --> 0:09:13.959 That's just self preservation disguised as acceptance, and it can 0:09:14.040 --> 0:09:16.719 lead to a mediocre, un fulfilled life because you're just 0:09:16.800 --> 0:09:19.640 constantly protecting yourself. You're not allowing yourself to take chances, 0:09:19.840 --> 0:09:22.880 you're not allowing yourself to fall in love deeply, you're 0:09:22.920 --> 0:09:25.520 not allowing yourself to jump in to a job that 0:09:25.559 --> 0:09:27.440 you really want but you're too scared to just in 0:09:27.480 --> 0:09:30.000 case you get disappointment. And so a lot of us, 0:09:30.040 --> 0:09:32.440 based on our experiences in life, can actually end up 0:09:32.440 --> 0:09:35.400 protecting so much we actually don't give ourselves the opportunity 0:09:35.800 --> 0:09:39.000 to even make progress or to achieve those goals because 0:09:39.080 --> 0:09:42.760 of our worry of that disappointment. So our fear actually 0:09:42.760 --> 0:09:46.040 holds us back. So we think we're protecting ourselves and 0:09:46.080 --> 0:09:49.320 creating the shield around us which avoids disappointment. But actually 0:09:49.320 --> 0:09:51.959 then you're not feeling the you're not feeling or fulfilling 0:09:52.000 --> 0:09:54.240 this potential of joy that you actually could have. But 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:56.800 on the other hand, there are people who become overachievers. 0:09:57.080 --> 0:10:01.200 They chase perfection, telling themselves that they need to try harder, 0:10:01.360 --> 0:10:04.920 do more, be better, and I think that high expectations 0:10:05.080 --> 0:10:09.040 equals higher standards. But perfectionism isn't always a strength. It 0:10:09.080 --> 0:10:12.920 actually is also a fear response, and ironically it creates 0:10:12.960 --> 0:10:18.439 the exact same outcome, disappointment. So both this underachiever mentality 0:10:18.520 --> 0:10:22.040 and this perfectionist mentality are doing the same thing. They're 0:10:22.040 --> 0:10:25.679 trying to control disappointment instead of learning to live with it, 0:10:25.840 --> 0:10:27.760 instead of learning how to deal with it, instead of 0:10:27.840 --> 0:10:30.120 learning how to process it. And so the thing we 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:33.400 all have to realize is disappointment is absolutely a natural 0:10:33.480 --> 0:10:35.880 human response. It's kind of a spin off emotion of 0:10:35.960 --> 0:10:38.880 grief if you think about it. It's grief over what 0:10:38.920 --> 0:10:40.959 could have been, or what someone could have been, or 0:10:41.000 --> 0:10:43.400 what a situation could have been. But what makes it 0:10:43.440 --> 0:10:47.320 destructive is what happens next. So feeling the emotion isn't wrong. 0:10:47.600 --> 0:10:50.840 It's about how we then receive that emotion, process it, 0:10:50.880 --> 0:10:53.760 and move forward with our life. Some people turn it inward, 0:10:54.040 --> 0:10:56.520 it's my faul, I'm not good enough, and it can 0:10:56.880 --> 0:10:59.640 lead to a shame spiral or a self blame game. 0:11:00.440 --> 0:11:03.960 Others can turn it outward. This person let me down, 0:11:04.240 --> 0:11:07.360 they didn't care enough, they don't value me. As much 0:11:07.400 --> 0:11:10.680 as I value them, and that turns into bitterness and resentment. 0:11:11.240 --> 0:11:12.880 But the thing is both end up robbing you of 0:11:12.920 --> 0:11:15.760 your power, and I think to really deal with disappointment 0:11:15.800 --> 0:11:18.200 in a healthy way, you have to try and find 0:11:18.240 --> 0:11:22.640 the middle ground. Not blame, not bitterness, but understanding. Understanding 0:11:22.679 --> 0:11:26.520 comes from dialing down the assumption and dialing up curiosity, compassion, 0:11:26.520 --> 0:11:29.080 and benefit of doubt, just like you'd want someone to 0:11:29.120 --> 0:11:32.280 do for you. So asking yourself what actually happened here? 0:11:32.880 --> 0:11:36.000 What was in my control and what wasn't was my 0:11:36.120 --> 0:11:41.720 expectation actually realistic? And that pause between emotion and interpretation 0:11:42.000 --> 0:11:45.200 is literally everything. It's where you stop being a victim 0:11:45.240 --> 0:11:47.920 of disappointment and you start using it as your teacher. 0:11:48.679 --> 0:11:50.440 So I heard this story and I'm going to share 0:11:50.440 --> 0:11:52.920 it with you. It was a really great lesson in 0:11:54.000 --> 0:11:56.840 understanding disappointment a little bit better and giving you perspective 0:11:56.840 --> 0:11:58.760 on how to deal with it. So there's a man 0:11:58.840 --> 0:12:02.000 and he spends years and years building his business but 0:12:02.120 --> 0:12:05.040 it collapses overnight, and of course he is so devastated. 0:12:06.120 --> 0:12:09.840 But instead of calling it failure, he calls it tuition. 0:12:10.320 --> 0:12:13.200 He says that this was the price I paid for 0:12:13.280 --> 0:12:15.760 the lesson I needed to learn. So it's just a 0:12:15.800 --> 0:12:18.720 great lesson or a great story to remind us to 0:12:18.760 --> 0:12:21.800 think of disappointment as our tuition or the fee that 0:12:21.840 --> 0:12:24.240 we pay for the wisdom and learning that you gain 0:12:24.320 --> 0:12:26.400 from it. And also I think we have to get 0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:29.839 our mind away from this idea that things not going 0:12:29.920 --> 0:12:32.240 our way or not going the way you wanted them 0:12:32.280 --> 0:12:34.880 to is a bad thing. It's something we have told 0:12:34.960 --> 0:12:37.840 ourselves versus what's actually real. Who said that things are 0:12:37.840 --> 0:12:39.640 supposed to go the way that we want them to go. 0:12:40.040 --> 0:12:42.439 Sometimes what we want and what's good for us are 0:12:42.559 --> 0:12:45.880 very different things, and we assume that we know what's 0:12:45.920 --> 0:12:48.360 best for us, but often we actually don't. We also 0:12:48.440 --> 0:12:51.400 don't have this vision of what is even possible. Sometimes 0:12:51.440 --> 0:12:53.920 what we want for us is far smaller and undervalues 0:12:53.960 --> 0:12:56.480 who we actually are, and so we end up wasting 0:12:56.559 --> 0:12:59.560 months and months replaying what went wrong, even when in 0:12:59.559 --> 0:13:02.480 reality you can't change it. You can't change what happened, 0:13:02.960 --> 0:13:05.479 and replaying can be a good thing if you're analyzing 0:13:05.520 --> 0:13:08.520 the situation to extract the lesson from it, But if 0:13:08.520 --> 0:13:11.720 you're replaying it without purpose, it becomes wallowing and it 0:13:11.840 --> 0:13:14.920 keeps you stuck in the pain cycle over and over again. 0:13:15.640 --> 0:13:18.319 So instead we can take that pain. You can sit 0:13:18.360 --> 0:13:19.760 in it for a little bit, but then you turn 0:13:19.800 --> 0:13:22.600 it into data. You turn it into data about your beliefs, 0:13:22.600 --> 0:13:25.440 about your boundaries, about your judgment, and you use it 0:13:25.480 --> 0:13:28.320 to fuel and to inform you about future things so 0:13:28.320 --> 0:13:30.520 that you don't make the same mistake again. And I 0:13:30.520 --> 0:13:33.160 also want to add that this is not false positivity. 0:13:33.600 --> 0:13:36.000 I'm not saying just be happy about everything and everything 0:13:36.040 --> 0:13:39.000 will be okay, because the fact is, if someone promised 0:13:39.000 --> 0:13:42.360 you something, a promotion, a partner said that they'll be there, 0:13:42.400 --> 0:13:44.760 and they weren't, these are not assumptions that you've made. 0:13:45.320 --> 0:13:48.520 You have clearly created these hopes from facts and trust 0:13:48.559 --> 0:13:52.080 in other people's words. So disappointed is a valid emotion, 0:13:52.480 --> 0:13:55.240 especially if word was given, or a pact was made, 0:13:55.320 --> 0:13:57.920 or it's based on facts and truth. And sadly that 0:13:58.000 --> 0:14:01.400 disappointment is not in your control either, because how another 0:14:01.440 --> 0:14:04.640 person is acted towards you isn't in your control, which 0:14:04.679 --> 0:14:08.240 means it is valid. Of course it's valid, but it's 0:14:08.240 --> 0:14:10.680 still not something you can control or change. So the 0:14:10.760 --> 0:14:14.000 reframe and mindset still has to shift to avoid you 0:14:14.080 --> 0:14:17.280 taking on the pain or you suffering for longer than necessary. 0:14:17.559 --> 0:14:20.200 So let's make this a little bit more practical. How 0:14:20.240 --> 0:14:22.360 are we going to go through this? We feel disappointed? 0:14:22.440 --> 0:14:24.920 What do we do now? The first thing is feeling 0:14:24.960 --> 0:14:28.400 it fully. The fact is anything suppressed or anything that 0:14:28.440 --> 0:14:30.600 stays with us will then impact the way that we 0:14:30.640 --> 0:14:32.200 live the rest of our lives. And we don't want that. 0:14:32.320 --> 0:14:35.520 We don't want this disappointment staying with us through other experiences, 0:14:35.760 --> 0:14:38.600 through other relationships, through the parts of our life. And 0:14:38.680 --> 0:14:41.280 sometimes you don't even realize it. And so in the 0:14:41.320 --> 0:14:43.800 moment you feel it fully, you don't feed it, but 0:14:43.840 --> 0:14:47.800 you don't skip the emotion. That is where toxic positivity happens. 0:14:48.080 --> 0:14:49.920 And all you have to do is let it all out, 0:14:49.960 --> 0:14:53.000 write it out, feel it, name it, cry or talk 0:14:53.040 --> 0:14:56.520 to someone, really get out everything in your mind that 0:14:56.560 --> 0:14:59.320 you want about this issue. And that might mean for 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:01.560 a week you have to write the same thing over 0:15:01.680 --> 0:15:04.360 and over again, until one day you wake up and 0:15:04.400 --> 0:15:06.320 you're like, you know what, it doesn't feel les painful. 0:15:06.600 --> 0:15:08.120 You know what, it doesn't feel like I even thought 0:15:08.120 --> 0:15:10.680 about it this morning, And slowly it will leave you. 0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:12.960 The more that you are able to get out of 0:15:12.960 --> 0:15:15.560 your system, the less it will follow you around, and 0:15:15.880 --> 0:15:18.280 the less power it has over you. And I think 0:15:18.400 --> 0:15:20.840 when you speak something, when you write it, when you 0:15:20.920 --> 0:15:23.160 let it go, the more you see it, the less 0:15:23.160 --> 0:15:25.360 power actually has over you because you're not keeping it 0:15:25.360 --> 0:15:27.760 within you and you're not allowing it to control the 0:15:27.800 --> 0:15:30.160 way that you are moving through life. The next part 0:15:30.440 --> 0:15:33.360 is auditain your expectations. So what does that mean for 0:15:33.400 --> 0:15:36.480 each disappointmenten you write two columns what actually happened and 0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:39.560 what I expected to happen. Was the expectation fair? Was 0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:42.600 it communicated? Was it in your control? And so once 0:15:42.640 --> 0:15:45.400 you figure out what the disconnect was between the two, 0:15:45.560 --> 0:15:48.040 the expectation and the reality, that's what you know you 0:15:48.040 --> 0:15:50.240 shouldn't get carried away with the next time you're in 0:15:50.280 --> 0:15:52.640 that same position. The third part is you have to 0:15:52.640 --> 0:15:57.080 stop outsourcing your peace. Disappointment hits hardest when your happiness 0:15:57.120 --> 0:16:01.040 depends on other people or uncontrollable outcomes, and so trying 0:16:01.080 --> 0:16:04.000 to shift your metric from did I get what I wanted? 0:16:04.320 --> 0:16:07.440 To did I show up how I wanted? This one 0:16:07.520 --> 0:16:11.160 thing completely changed me as a human. One way that 0:16:11.200 --> 0:16:13.160 it really made a difference in my life was I 0:16:13.200 --> 0:16:15.400 have always really liked giving to friends and family in 0:16:15.400 --> 0:16:18.520 many different ways. My mom always used to get protective 0:16:18.560 --> 0:16:21.360 of me because many times as a child, i'd plan things, 0:16:21.360 --> 0:16:24.960 i'd spend time energy on someone, and often it wasn't reciprocated, 0:16:25.200 --> 0:16:29.320 and so my mom very lovingly would always say, well, 0:16:29.320 --> 0:16:31.480 she wasn't say in this way, but essentially she'd be saying, girl, 0:16:31.480 --> 0:16:34.080 you're doing too much. Do less. And I say, back 0:16:34.080 --> 0:16:35.680 to that, but I really love doing those things, and 0:16:35.720 --> 0:16:39.040 I really don't care whether they reciprocate or not. And 0:16:39.120 --> 0:16:41.240 for a while, I kept coming back to what my 0:16:41.320 --> 0:16:43.640 mom said to me. When I would do something and 0:16:43.680 --> 0:16:47.120 it wasn't reciprocated, I would get disappointed. And then I 0:16:47.200 --> 0:16:51.240 realized that I was capping myself or stopping myself from 0:16:51.280 --> 0:16:54.160 showing up how I wanted to, how I naturally am 0:16:54.240 --> 0:16:57.240 inclined to be because I think I should be a 0:16:57.240 --> 0:16:59.960 specific way, because I think I should expect something from 0:17:00.080 --> 0:17:03.200 other people. So I started just showing up how I 0:17:03.240 --> 0:17:06.639 wanted to, rather than thinking about what I'm getting or 0:17:06.640 --> 0:17:08.560 not getting them, and trying to do things based on 0:17:08.600 --> 0:17:12.160 a calculation. And honestly, that has made such a difference 0:17:12.200 --> 0:17:14.000 to how I've chosen to live my life and even 0:17:14.040 --> 0:17:16.760 more importantly, how happy I am every single day because 0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:18.000 I know I show up in a way that I 0:17:18.040 --> 0:17:20.800 want to, rather than doing it based on what others 0:17:20.800 --> 0:17:23.960 are doing for me. Next up, try to communicate honestly. 0:17:24.160 --> 0:17:28.440 If someone disappointed, you tell them, but clearly and calmly 0:17:28.520 --> 0:17:31.560 and without blame. I felt her when this happened. Is 0:17:31.600 --> 0:17:35.320 really different from you always let me down. Those two sentences. 0:17:35.359 --> 0:17:37.200 You may be feeling the same way, but the way 0:17:37.240 --> 0:17:40.560 that you've communicated them will really determine how the other 0:17:40.600 --> 0:17:43.040 person responds and how that conversation is going to go. 0:17:43.440 --> 0:17:47.760 And so healthy communication prevents resentment from festering, and sometimes 0:17:47.760 --> 0:17:50.880 seeing their perspective, seeing it from their point of view, 0:17:51.000 --> 0:17:54.199 not through your pain filters or triggers, can actually make 0:17:54.240 --> 0:17:58.160 you realize that you've totally misjudged the situation. Have definitely 0:17:58.200 --> 0:18:01.680 been there. Even in conversations with Jay, I've always I've 0:18:01.720 --> 0:18:05.200 ended up assuming things or thinking he meant something when 0:18:05.240 --> 0:18:07.800 he said this thing, and actually he didn't mean any 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:09.000 of it, and I made it up in my head, 0:18:09.000 --> 0:18:11.240 and when he explained it to me completely change the 0:18:11.240 --> 0:18:15.000 way that I felt. And so having that communication, whether 0:18:15.040 --> 0:18:17.920 it's a friend of friend's family, even work colleagues. I 0:18:17.960 --> 0:18:21.040 think it's really important choosing your response. So what are 0:18:21.040 --> 0:18:22.560 you going to do? So you can either sit in 0:18:22.600 --> 0:18:25.240 this disappointment or you can digest it and let it 0:18:25.280 --> 0:18:27.960 flow through you. If you feel it's just ruminating and 0:18:28.000 --> 0:18:29.800 it keeps coming up in your mind and your heart, 0:18:29.880 --> 0:18:32.679 write a letter to yourself if you're disappointed towards you, 0:18:33.200 --> 0:18:35.040 or write a letter to the person or thing that 0:18:35.080 --> 0:18:37.679 it's because of. Get words down on paper and just 0:18:37.760 --> 0:18:41.000 let it go and release it. Sometimes it's not even 0:18:41.040 --> 0:18:44.000 about letting them know, it's just about it getting out 0:18:44.040 --> 0:18:46.439 of you. You might need to do that for days 0:18:46.480 --> 0:18:48.800 before it fully leaves you, but just know that it 0:18:48.840 --> 0:18:51.280 will if you try hard enough, and if you really 0:18:51.359 --> 0:18:53.680 want to let go of it, it will definitely leave. 0:18:54.000 --> 0:18:56.000 So I really hope that these words help you to 0:18:56.040 --> 0:18:59.600 deal with the past, present, and future disappointment. And please 0:18:59.640 --> 0:19:03.680 remember that acceptance isn't giving up. Accepting something and moving 0:19:03.720 --> 0:19:06.520 on from it. Does not mean that it's okay what 0:19:06.560 --> 0:19:09.280 that person did or what happened or what that situation was. 0:19:09.520 --> 0:19:11.720 It's honestly just saying that this is what it is, 0:19:11.760 --> 0:19:14.439 and I trust that I can handle it. And every 0:19:14.480 --> 0:19:18.240 single disappointment carries this piece of feedback, a signal about 0:19:18.240 --> 0:19:20.560 who you are, what you value, and what you still 0:19:20.600 --> 0:19:22.639 need to heal. And if you ignore it, you end 0:19:22.680 --> 0:19:24.640 up repeating it. But if you face it, you get 0:19:24.680 --> 0:19:27.040 to evolve from it and use it to inform you 0:19:27.080 --> 0:19:29.160 about how you should be dealing with things in the future, 0:19:29.440 --> 0:19:32.520 and also a great way to protect yourself in the future, 0:19:32.680 --> 0:19:35.280 because as soon as you process something and you analyze it, 0:19:35.520 --> 0:19:37.920 you'll realize that the way that you've reacted has come 0:19:37.920 --> 0:19:40.399