1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:03,960 Speaker 1: We assume that our effort guarantees a reward, and we 2 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: assume that being good means that we will get good things. 3 00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:10,039 Speaker 1: We assume that life owes us something based on the 4 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:12,360 Speaker 1: work or the effort that we've put in. And the 5 00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:15,600 Speaker 1: truth is, sometimes you will do every single thing right 6 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,599 Speaker 1: and it still won't work out. I'm Rady Wukiah and 7 00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:21,400 Speaker 1: on my podcast A Really Good Cry, we embrace the 8 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:25,480 Speaker 1: messy and the beautiful, providing a space for raw, unfielded 9 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:29,280 Speaker 1: conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune in 10 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:33,360 Speaker 1: to learn, connect and find comfort together. Hey everyone, and 11 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:36,120 Speaker 1: welcome back to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry. 12 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:39,320 Speaker 1: I hope that your week has been good. To be honest, 13 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:43,000 Speaker 1: I've been really struggling with feeling so tired lately, and 14 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,920 Speaker 1: I don't know whether it's the weather or it's just 15 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,640 Speaker 1: my body just struggling to really move into this season. 16 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,840 Speaker 1: But I have heard that people get sick the most 17 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:54,840 Speaker 1: during seasonal transitions, so right now we're kind of going 18 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:57,120 Speaker 1: from autumn to winter, and I've been hearing what so 19 00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:59,320 Speaker 1: many people getting coughs and calls, So I've really been 20 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:02,640 Speaker 1: trying to support my body and follow what Kieran the 21 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:06,240 Speaker 1: Incredible Gut Expects said in my recent podcast about improving 22 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:08,400 Speaker 1: your gut health. So I've been taking my jester of 23 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:12,360 Speaker 1: probiotics and my digestive bit is before my meals, and honestly, 24 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:15,800 Speaker 1: so far, so good. Touch would I have been feeling 25 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:19,120 Speaker 1: pretty good. So this is your reminder to make sure 26 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,200 Speaker 1: that you are doing all the things that you need 27 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:24,320 Speaker 1: to stay healthy and well this season. So this week 28 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:27,160 Speaker 1: I actually did a panel and one of the questions 29 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:30,319 Speaker 1: I got asked was how do you deal with disappointment? 30 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:32,520 Speaker 1: And I was thinking about the question even after the 31 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:37,120 Speaker 1: panel about my relationship with disappointment and how much has 32 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:40,360 Speaker 1: actually changed over the years. I used to be someone 33 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:43,920 Speaker 1: that got disappointed a lot. Either I would feel like 34 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,480 Speaker 1: someone wasn't doing as much as I was, that they 35 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,720 Speaker 1: weren't reciprocating in the way that I wanted them to, 36 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 1: or rejection would feel really personal, or that something didn't 37 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,120 Speaker 1: quite happen the way that I had envisioned it the 38 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,000 Speaker 1: way that I'd planned it out to be, so I'd 39 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:00,360 Speaker 1: be disappointed. Disappointed. Disappointment that's a place that I lived 40 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,080 Speaker 1: in for a really long time, and it began to 41 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,160 Speaker 1: change how I actually interacted with people in the world, 42 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,919 Speaker 1: and one day I just realized, like, I don't want 43 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,960 Speaker 1: to do this anymore. I don't want to be a 44 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,919 Speaker 1: fit thing moaning myrtal over here. That's not me, or 45 00:02:14,919 --> 00:02:16,800 Speaker 1: at least that's not who I want to be. I 46 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:18,880 Speaker 1: don't want to feel like the victim. I don't want 47 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:21,320 Speaker 1: to look at the world pessimistically. I don't want to 48 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,160 Speaker 1: see people and expect them to disappoint me. I don't 49 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,359 Speaker 1: want to see the world through the eyes of constant 50 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,480 Speaker 1: sadness or frustration. And let's be real, it is such 51 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,960 Speaker 1: a common feeling. You order a pizza and it doesn't 52 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,280 Speaker 1: have enough cheese and you're like, oh, I'm so disappointed. 53 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,200 Speaker 1: You put trust in a partner or a friend and 54 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:41,120 Speaker 1: they don't follow through. You're disappointed. You watch Gilmore Girls 55 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:43,800 Speaker 1: again forgetting how it ended, and expect Rory and just 56 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:47,359 Speaker 1: to get back together, but they didn't. Really disappointed. Actually, 57 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:49,239 Speaker 1: that part of my life was really sad. I was 58 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,120 Speaker 1: thinking about it for like a whole week. Why did 59 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,200 Speaker 1: they not get back together? Why did I think that 60 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,400 Speaker 1: they should have? And I created a whole reality in 61 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,480 Speaker 1: my mind where that happened, But it actually didn't, and 62 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,480 Speaker 1: I was extremely disappointed after that, and I had to 63 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:04,160 Speaker 1: say to myself with some serious tough love, babes, it 64 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,400 Speaker 1: is a you thing. And yes, people do do stuff, 65 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:09,360 Speaker 1: People do things that you don't want them to, people 66 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,480 Speaker 1: do do things that are sometimes very horrible. And yes, 67 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,480 Speaker 1: things happen that you didn't expect or want, things don't 68 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,960 Speaker 1: go to plan, and your life maybe in complete shambles. 69 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:23,359 Speaker 1: But choosing to feel disappointment was a choice, not a given. 70 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:26,359 Speaker 1: It's not something that was given to you. It's something 71 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:28,240 Speaker 1: that you are choosing to feel from the things that 72 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,760 Speaker 1: are given to you. And so here is a question 73 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:35,800 Speaker 1: to ask yourself, what if disappointment isn't something that happens 74 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,360 Speaker 1: to you, but it's something that you're creating. And I 75 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,880 Speaker 1: know that sometimes that can be really difficult to digest 76 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,600 Speaker 1: because there are a lot of things that feel unfair 77 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,760 Speaker 1: in this world. There are so many things that happen 78 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:49,160 Speaker 1: to us, even if we feel like we're good people. 79 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:54,560 Speaker 1: And so it's really not about diminishing or making something 80 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:57,240 Speaker 1: that's happened to you feel small or insignificant. It's not 81 00:03:57,360 --> 00:04:00,880 Speaker 1: that at all. But it's helping you to realize you 82 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,800 Speaker 1: have a choice to carry that with you day in 83 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 1: day out, week after week. And so it's less about 84 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,640 Speaker 1: what they've done, being right or wrong. It's more about 85 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:13,040 Speaker 1: do you want to carry this? Do you want to 86 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,480 Speaker 1: take on this weight and this responsibility? Do you want 87 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:19,719 Speaker 1: to take on this constant sadness, this constant frustration through 88 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,280 Speaker 1: your life, and do you want to see the world 89 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:23,799 Speaker 1: in that way? And sometimes this ends up being really difficult, 90 00:04:23,839 --> 00:04:26,960 Speaker 1: Like I feel like this world of self help and 91 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,480 Speaker 1: growth and trying to be better people, it feels like, 92 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,520 Speaker 1: why is everything something I have to fix? Why can't 93 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:34,200 Speaker 1: it be their fault? And yes, it is a lot 94 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:36,920 Speaker 1: of responsibility, and it is difficult when the fingers pointed 95 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,480 Speaker 1: constantly back to you when you're thinking, actually, I didn't 96 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:42,479 Speaker 1: make myself upset. They did. But if you are trying 97 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:45,440 Speaker 1: to live in a victim mindset, you're listening to the 98 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:49,440 Speaker 1: wrong podcast. Because here we have to own things and 99 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:52,359 Speaker 1: we make our lives better and we do the work required. 100 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,599 Speaker 1: And that is the hard part about trying to be better, 101 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,240 Speaker 1: that you can't keep blaming other people for the way 102 00:04:58,240 --> 00:04:59,720 Speaker 1: that you feel, the way that you live through life, 103 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,039 Speaker 1: the way that you see the world, the way that 104 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:05,440 Speaker 1: you see your circumstances. So first things first is you 105 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:08,560 Speaker 1: have to take ownership not of the entire situation, but 106 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 1: of how it's making you feel. And often it's not 107 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,200 Speaker 1: the situations we're in or life that's the problem. It's 108 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,720 Speaker 1: the expectations that we are putting on them. Every single 109 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,280 Speaker 1: time I've struggled to deal with the hand that I've 110 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:21,560 Speaker 1: been out or felt like something was unfair, it wasn't 111 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,520 Speaker 1: because life was actually unfair. It was because my expectations 112 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:28,479 Speaker 1: were clashing with reality. I had created this picture in 113 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:32,360 Speaker 1: my mind of how things should be a job, a relationship, 114 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,640 Speaker 1: an opportunity, or even how a version of myself should look, 115 00:05:36,279 --> 00:05:39,240 Speaker 1: and when life didn't match that picture, it led to 116 00:05:39,279 --> 00:05:42,000 Speaker 1: this feeling of disappointment. And so it wasn't even that 117 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:45,120 Speaker 1: life was necessarily painful, even though sometimes it is. But 118 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,440 Speaker 1: it was more that my attachment to how I thought 119 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:51,680 Speaker 1: life should be wasn't happening. And that's what disappointment is. 120 00:05:51,839 --> 00:05:55,320 Speaker 1: It is this gap between your expectation and your reality. 121 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:58,960 Speaker 1: It's this mismatch between this idea that you've created and 122 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,600 Speaker 1: what's happening in real time or real life. And so 123 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:04,839 Speaker 1: the wider that gap is the harder the fall ends 124 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,320 Speaker 1: up being. The more you create this vision of how 125 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,400 Speaker 1: this relationship should be, how this person should be treating you. 126 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,800 Speaker 1: The more you've created that before it's actually happened, the 127 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,920 Speaker 1: harder you're going to fall, and the worse it's going 128 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,719 Speaker 1: to feel when it doesn't. And I think we just 129 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:22,159 Speaker 1: taught to romanticize everything. We romanticize every single thing. We 130 00:06:22,279 --> 00:06:24,080 Speaker 1: romanticize a walk in the park, which actually can be 131 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:27,720 Speaker 1: really nice, but we also romanticize things that haven't happened yet, 132 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:33,000 Speaker 1: including relationships, including friendships, including success, including timelines, including outcomes. 133 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:37,440 Speaker 1: We assume that our effort guarantees a reward, and we 134 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,720 Speaker 1: assume that being good means that we will get good things. 135 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:43,520 Speaker 1: We assume that life owes us something based on the 136 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:45,839 Speaker 1: work or the effort that we've put in. And the 137 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:49,080 Speaker 1: truth is, sometimes you will do every single thing right 138 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:51,800 Speaker 1: and it still won't work out. And if your peace 139 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:55,440 Speaker 1: only exists when things go your way, you will always 140 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:58,360 Speaker 1: be at war with reality. And so a big part 141 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:01,080 Speaker 1: of dealing with disappointment is actually being more present in 142 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,680 Speaker 1: the moment and seeing what life is actually giving you 143 00:07:03,839 --> 00:07:06,760 Speaker 1: rather than what you are constantly wanting for yourself. And 144 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 1: that can be really difficult because, of course we have 145 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,160 Speaker 1: aspirations for what we want in life, and that is 146 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:15,000 Speaker 1: so okay. Of course we should have them, but we 147 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,120 Speaker 1: also need to be in touch with reality at the 148 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:20,720 Speaker 1: same time so that we don't constantly live in disappointment. 149 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,280 Speaker 1: There's this thin line and this balance that we have 150 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:27,880 Speaker 1: to strike between having aspirations and having this desire to 151 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:32,239 Speaker 1: have something happen, but also realizing that we are committing 152 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,200 Speaker 1: to the process, not just the result. We're committing to 153 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,600 Speaker 1: what we're going to receive from the process and from 154 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 1: the progress that we're making while we're trying to make 155 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:43,320 Speaker 1: this result happen. But if the result doesn't happen, we 156 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,560 Speaker 1: also have to be aware of what we've gained through 157 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:48,280 Speaker 1: that journey, what we've gained through that process. And the 158 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,600 Speaker 1: problem is if we're constantly attached to a specific result, 159 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,840 Speaker 1: we're actually never going to enjoy life because the result 160 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,000 Speaker 1: ends up being such a small part of our life. 161 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:59,520 Speaker 1: The end product is usually a fleeting experience or a 162 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:04,080 Speaker 1: excitement that we get. It's not usually the longest part 163 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,040 Speaker 1: of life. The longest part of life is the process. 164 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,960 Speaker 1: Most of the time, it's the progress that we're making. 165 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:11,040 Speaker 1: It's the steps in between, and so if we're not 166 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 1: learning how to appreciate that and gain from that, then 167 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:17,080 Speaker 1: our bursts of happiness and joy are going to be 168 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,440 Speaker 1: very fleeting and very small when we reach those little 169 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:22,480 Speaker 1: milestones that we're creating for ourselves. I recently read an 170 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,840 Speaker 1: article that said that the way that we handle disappointment 171 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:29,600 Speaker 1: actually starts early in our childhood conditioning. Now, I don't 172 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:32,000 Speaker 1: think that that means it's our parents' fault, but I 173 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,640 Speaker 1: think what it means is how we deal with disappointment 174 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,560 Speaker 1: from a young age naturally shapes how we deal with 175 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,960 Speaker 1: it in our adulthood, and becoming aware of that is 176 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:43,160 Speaker 1: really important. So sometimes taking yourself back to how you 177 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,040 Speaker 1: reacted when you can remember you first being disappointment, maybe 178 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:47,600 Speaker 1: you didn't get the gift that you wanted as a kid, 179 00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:50,880 Speaker 1: maybe something of taken away from me, maybe your mom 180 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,120 Speaker 1: said you can't go somewhere. How did you react in 181 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:55,240 Speaker 1: that moment, and how do the people around you react? 182 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:58,880 Speaker 1: And some people, after facing disappointment, they learn to protect 183 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:02,319 Speaker 1: themselves by shrinking. They set the bar really low, They 184 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:05,640 Speaker 1: stop hoping too much, because if they don't expect anything, 185 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:07,719 Speaker 1: then they just can't be let down. But that ends 186 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,680 Speaker 1: up being a false piece. It's not a real peace. 187 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,959 Speaker 1: That's just self preservation disguised as acceptance, and it can 188 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,719 Speaker 1: lead to a mediocre, un fulfilled life because you're just 189 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,640 Speaker 1: constantly protecting yourself. You're not allowing yourself to take chances, 190 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:22,880 Speaker 1: you're not allowing yourself to fall in love deeply, you're 191 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,520 Speaker 1: not allowing yourself to jump in to a job that 192 00:09:25,559 --> 00:09:27,440 Speaker 1: you really want but you're too scared to just in 193 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:30,000 Speaker 1: case you get disappointment. And so a lot of us, 194 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,440 Speaker 1: based on our experiences in life, can actually end up 195 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:35,400 Speaker 1: protecting so much we actually don't give ourselves the opportunity 196 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:39,000 Speaker 1: to even make progress or to achieve those goals because 197 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:42,760 Speaker 1: of our worry of that disappointment. So our fear actually 198 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:46,040 Speaker 1: holds us back. So we think we're protecting ourselves and 199 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,320 Speaker 1: creating the shield around us which avoids disappointment. But actually 200 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:51,959 Speaker 1: then you're not feeling the you're not feeling or fulfilling 201 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,240 Speaker 1: this potential of joy that you actually could have. But 202 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,800 Speaker 1: on the other hand, there are people who become overachievers. 203 00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:01,200 Speaker 1: They chase perfection, telling themselves that they need to try harder, 204 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,920 Speaker 1: do more, be better, and I think that high expectations 205 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:09,040 Speaker 1: equals higher standards. But perfectionism isn't always a strength. It 206 00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:12,920 Speaker 1: actually is also a fear response, and ironically it creates 207 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:18,439 Speaker 1: the exact same outcome, disappointment. So both this underachiever mentality 208 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:22,040 Speaker 1: and this perfectionist mentality are doing the same thing. They're 209 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:25,679 Speaker 1: trying to control disappointment instead of learning to live with it, 210 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:27,760 Speaker 1: instead of learning how to deal with it, instead of 211 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,120 Speaker 1: learning how to process it. And so the thing we 212 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:33,400 Speaker 1: all have to realize is disappointment is absolutely a natural 213 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,880 Speaker 1: human response. It's kind of a spin off emotion of 214 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,880 Speaker 1: grief if you think about it. It's grief over what 215 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:40,959 Speaker 1: could have been, or what someone could have been, or 216 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,400 Speaker 1: what a situation could have been. But what makes it 217 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:47,320 Speaker 1: destructive is what happens next. So feeling the emotion isn't wrong. 218 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:50,840 Speaker 1: It's about how we then receive that emotion, process it, 219 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:53,760 Speaker 1: and move forward with our life. Some people turn it inward, 220 00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:56,520 Speaker 1: it's my faul, I'm not good enough, and it can 221 00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:59,640 Speaker 1: lead to a shame spiral or a self blame game. 222 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,960 Speaker 1: Others can turn it outward. This person let me down, 223 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,360 Speaker 1: they didn't care enough, they don't value me. As much 224 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,680 Speaker 1: as I value them, and that turns into bitterness and resentment. 225 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,880 Speaker 1: But the thing is both end up robbing you of 226 00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:15,760 Speaker 1: your power, and I think to really deal with disappointment 227 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,200 Speaker 1: in a healthy way, you have to try and find 228 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:22,640 Speaker 1: the middle ground. Not blame, not bitterness, but understanding. Understanding 229 00:11:22,679 --> 00:11:26,520 Speaker 1: comes from dialing down the assumption and dialing up curiosity, compassion, 230 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,080 Speaker 1: and benefit of doubt, just like you'd want someone to 231 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,280 Speaker 1: do for you. So asking yourself what actually happened here? 232 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:36,000 Speaker 1: What was in my control and what wasn't was my 233 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:41,720 Speaker 1: expectation actually realistic? And that pause between emotion and interpretation 234 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,200 Speaker 1: is literally everything. It's where you stop being a victim 235 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:47,920 Speaker 1: of disappointment and you start using it as your teacher. 236 00:11:48,679 --> 00:11:50,440 Speaker 1: So I heard this story and I'm going to share 237 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,920 Speaker 1: it with you. It was a really great lesson in 238 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,840 Speaker 1: understanding disappointment a little bit better and giving you perspective 239 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,760 Speaker 1: on how to deal with it. So there's a man 240 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:02,000 Speaker 1: and he spends years and years building his business but 241 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:05,040 Speaker 1: it collapses overnight, and of course he is so devastated. 242 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,840 Speaker 1: But instead of calling it failure, he calls it tuition. 243 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,200 Speaker 1: He says that this was the price I paid for 244 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,760 Speaker 1: the lesson I needed to learn. So it's just a 245 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:18,720 Speaker 1: great lesson or a great story to remind us to 246 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,800 Speaker 1: think of disappointment as our tuition or the fee that 247 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,240 Speaker 1: we pay for the wisdom and learning that you gain 248 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,400 Speaker 1: from it. And also I think we have to get 249 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,839 Speaker 1: our mind away from this idea that things not going 250 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,240 Speaker 1: our way or not going the way you wanted them 251 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:34,880 Speaker 1: to is a bad thing. It's something we have told 252 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,840 Speaker 1: ourselves versus what's actually real. Who said that things are 253 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,640 Speaker 1: supposed to go the way that we want them to go. 254 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,439 Speaker 1: Sometimes what we want and what's good for us are 255 00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:45,880 Speaker 1: very different things, and we assume that we know what's 256 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,360 Speaker 1: best for us, but often we actually don't. We also 257 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,400 Speaker 1: don't have this vision of what is even possible. Sometimes 258 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,920 Speaker 1: what we want for us is far smaller and undervalues 259 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,480 Speaker 1: who we actually are, and so we end up wasting 260 00:12:56,559 --> 00:12:59,560 Speaker 1: months and months replaying what went wrong, even when in 261 00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:02,480 Speaker 1: reality you can't change it. You can't change what happened, 262 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,479 Speaker 1: and replaying can be a good thing if you're analyzing 263 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,520 Speaker 1: the situation to extract the lesson from it, But if 264 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:11,720 Speaker 1: you're replaying it without purpose, it becomes wallowing and it 265 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:14,920 Speaker 1: keeps you stuck in the pain cycle over and over again. 266 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,319 Speaker 1: So instead we can take that pain. You can sit 267 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:19,760 Speaker 1: in it for a little bit, but then you turn 268 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:22,600 Speaker 1: it into data. You turn it into data about your beliefs, 269 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,440 Speaker 1: about your boundaries, about your judgment, and you use it 270 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,320 Speaker 1: to fuel and to inform you about future things so 271 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,520 Speaker 1: that you don't make the same mistake again. And I 272 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:33,160 Speaker 1: also want to add that this is not false positivity. 273 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,000 Speaker 1: I'm not saying just be happy about everything and everything 274 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:39,000 Speaker 1: will be okay, because the fact is, if someone promised 275 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:42,360 Speaker 1: you something, a promotion, a partner said that they'll be there, 276 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,760 Speaker 1: and they weren't, these are not assumptions that you've made. 277 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:48,520 Speaker 1: You have clearly created these hopes from facts and trust 278 00:13:48,559 --> 00:13:52,080 Speaker 1: in other people's words. So disappointed is a valid emotion, 279 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:55,240 Speaker 1: especially if word was given, or a pact was made, 280 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,920 Speaker 1: or it's based on facts and truth. And sadly that 281 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,400 Speaker 1: disappointment is not in your control either, because how another 282 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:04,640 Speaker 1: person is acted towards you isn't in your control, which 283 00:14:04,679 --> 00:14:08,240 Speaker 1: means it is valid. Of course it's valid, but it's 284 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,680 Speaker 1: still not something you can control or change. So the 285 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:14,000 Speaker 1: reframe and mindset still has to shift to avoid you 286 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:17,280 Speaker 1: taking on the pain or you suffering for longer than necessary. 287 00:14:17,559 --> 00:14:20,200 Speaker 1: So let's make this a little bit more practical. How 288 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:22,360 Speaker 1: are we going to go through this? We feel disappointed? 289 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,920 Speaker 1: What do we do now? The first thing is feeling 290 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,400 Speaker 1: it fully. The fact is anything suppressed or anything that 291 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:30,600 Speaker 1: stays with us will then impact the way that we 292 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,200 Speaker 1: live the rest of our lives. And we don't want that. 293 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:35,520 Speaker 1: We don't want this disappointment staying with us through other experiences, 294 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 1: through other relationships, through the parts of our life. And 295 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:41,280 Speaker 1: sometimes you don't even realize it. And so in the 296 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,800 Speaker 1: moment you feel it fully, you don't feed it, but 297 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:47,800 Speaker 1: you don't skip the emotion. That is where toxic positivity happens. 298 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:49,920 Speaker 1: And all you have to do is let it all out, 299 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:53,000 Speaker 1: write it out, feel it, name it, cry or talk 300 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:56,520 Speaker 1: to someone, really get out everything in your mind that 301 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,320 Speaker 1: you want about this issue. And that might mean for 302 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,560 Speaker 1: a week you have to write the same thing over 303 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:04,360 Speaker 1: and over again, until one day you wake up and 304 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,320 Speaker 1: you're like, you know what, it doesn't feel les painful. 305 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,120 Speaker 1: You know what, it doesn't feel like I even thought 306 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,680 Speaker 1: about it this morning, And slowly it will leave you. 307 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,960 Speaker 1: The more that you are able to get out of 308 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,560 Speaker 1: your system, the less it will follow you around, and 309 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,280 Speaker 1: the less power it has over you. And I think 310 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,840 Speaker 1: when you speak something, when you write it, when you 311 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,160 Speaker 1: let it go, the more you see it, the less 312 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,360 Speaker 1: power actually has over you because you're not keeping it 313 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,760 Speaker 1: within you and you're not allowing it to control the 314 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,160 Speaker 1: way that you are moving through life. The next part 315 00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:33,360 Speaker 1: is auditain your expectations. So what does that mean for 316 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,480 Speaker 1: each disappointmenten you write two columns what actually happened and 317 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,560 Speaker 1: what I expected to happen. Was the expectation fair? Was 318 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:42,600 Speaker 1: it communicated? Was it in your control? And so once 319 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,400 Speaker 1: you figure out what the disconnect was between the two, 320 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:48,040 Speaker 1: the expectation and the reality, that's what you know you 321 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,240 Speaker 1: shouldn't get carried away with the next time you're in 322 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,640 Speaker 1: that same position. The third part is you have to 323 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:57,080 Speaker 1: stop outsourcing your peace. Disappointment hits hardest when your happiness 324 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:01,040 Speaker 1: depends on other people or uncontrollable outcomes, and so trying 325 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,000 Speaker 1: to shift your metric from did I get what I wanted? 326 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:07,440 Speaker 1: To did I show up how I wanted? This one 327 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:11,160 Speaker 1: thing completely changed me as a human. One way that 328 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,160 Speaker 1: it really made a difference in my life was I 329 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,400 Speaker 1: have always really liked giving to friends and family in 330 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:18,520 Speaker 1: many different ways. My mom always used to get protective 331 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,360 Speaker 1: of me because many times as a child, i'd plan things, 332 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,960 Speaker 1: i'd spend time energy on someone, and often it wasn't reciprocated, 333 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:29,320 Speaker 1: and so my mom very lovingly would always say, well, 334 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,480 Speaker 1: she wasn't say in this way, but essentially she'd be saying, girl, 335 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:34,080 Speaker 1: you're doing too much. Do less. And I say, back 336 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,680 Speaker 1: to that, but I really love doing those things, and 337 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:39,040 Speaker 1: I really don't care whether they reciprocate or not. And 338 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,240 Speaker 1: for a while, I kept coming back to what my 339 00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:43,640 Speaker 1: mom said to me. When I would do something and 340 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:47,120 Speaker 1: it wasn't reciprocated, I would get disappointed. And then I 341 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:51,240 Speaker 1: realized that I was capping myself or stopping myself from 342 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:54,160 Speaker 1: showing up how I wanted to, how I naturally am 343 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:57,240 Speaker 1: inclined to be because I think I should be a 344 00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,960 Speaker 1: specific way, because I think I should expect something from 345 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,200 Speaker 1: other people. So I started just showing up how I 346 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:06,639 Speaker 1: wanted to, rather than thinking about what I'm getting or 347 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,560 Speaker 1: not getting them, and trying to do things based on 348 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:12,160 Speaker 1: a calculation. And honestly, that has made such a difference 349 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,000 Speaker 1: to how I've chosen to live my life and even 350 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,760 Speaker 1: more importantly, how happy I am every single day because 351 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,000 Speaker 1: I know I show up in a way that I 352 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,800 Speaker 1: want to, rather than doing it based on what others 353 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:23,960 Speaker 1: are doing for me. Next up, try to communicate honestly. 354 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:28,440 Speaker 1: If someone disappointed, you tell them, but clearly and calmly 355 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:31,560 Speaker 1: and without blame. I felt her when this happened. Is 356 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:35,320 Speaker 1: really different from you always let me down. Those two sentences. 357 00:17:35,359 --> 00:17:37,200 Speaker 1: You may be feeling the same way, but the way 358 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:40,560 Speaker 1: that you've communicated them will really determine how the other 359 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:43,040 Speaker 1: person responds and how that conversation is going to go. 360 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:47,760 Speaker 1: And so healthy communication prevents resentment from festering, and sometimes 361 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,880 Speaker 1: seeing their perspective, seeing it from their point of view, 362 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:54,199 Speaker 1: not through your pain filters or triggers, can actually make 363 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:58,160 Speaker 1: you realize that you've totally misjudged the situation. Have definitely 364 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:01,680 Speaker 1: been there. Even in conversations with Jay, I've always I've 365 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:05,200 Speaker 1: ended up assuming things or thinking he meant something when 366 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,800 Speaker 1: he said this thing, and actually he didn't mean any 367 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,000 Speaker 1: of it, and I made it up in my head, 368 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,240 Speaker 1: and when he explained it to me completely change the 369 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:15,000 Speaker 1: way that I felt. And so having that communication, whether 370 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,920 Speaker 1: it's a friend of friend's family, even work colleagues. I 371 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:21,040 Speaker 1: think it's really important choosing your response. So what are 372 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:22,560 Speaker 1: you going to do? So you can either sit in 373 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,240 Speaker 1: this disappointment or you can digest it and let it 374 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:27,960 Speaker 1: flow through you. If you feel it's just ruminating and 375 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,800 Speaker 1: it keeps coming up in your mind and your heart, 376 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,679 Speaker 1: write a letter to yourself if you're disappointed towards you, 377 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,040 Speaker 1: or write a letter to the person or thing that 378 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,679 Speaker 1: it's because of. Get words down on paper and just 379 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:41,000 Speaker 1: let it go and release it. Sometimes it's not even 380 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:44,000 Speaker 1: about letting them know, it's just about it getting out 381 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,439 Speaker 1: of you. You might need to do that for days 382 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:48,800 Speaker 1: before it fully leaves you, but just know that it 383 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:51,280 Speaker 1: will if you try hard enough, and if you really 384 00:18:51,359 --> 00:18:53,680 Speaker 1: want to let go of it, it will definitely leave. 385 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,000 Speaker 1: So I really hope that these words help you to 386 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:59,600 Speaker 1: deal with the past, present, and future disappointment. And please 387 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:03,680 Speaker 1: remember that acceptance isn't giving up. Accepting something and moving 388 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,520 Speaker 1: on from it. Does not mean that it's okay what 389 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,280 Speaker 1: that person did or what happened or what that situation was. 390 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,720 Speaker 1: It's honestly just saying that this is what it is, 391 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,439 Speaker 1: and I trust that I can handle it. And every 392 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:18,240 Speaker 1: single disappointment carries this piece of feedback, a signal about 393 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,560 Speaker 1: who you are, what you value, and what you still 394 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:22,639 Speaker 1: need to heal. And if you ignore it, you end 395 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:24,640 Speaker 1: up repeating it. But if you face it, you get 396 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,040 Speaker 1: to evolve from it and use it to inform you 397 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,160 Speaker 1: about how you should be dealing with things in the future, 398 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:32,520 Speaker 1: and also a great way to protect yourself in the future, 399 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,280 Speaker 1: because as soon as you process something and you analyze it, 400 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,920 Speaker 1: you'll realize that the way that you've reacted has come 401 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:40,399 Speaker 1: from somewhere, and so it creates a way for you 402 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,440 Speaker 1: to make informed decisions and protect yourself based on information 403 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,679 Speaker 1: rather than assumption. But yeah, I really hope that this 404 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,000 Speaker 1: is helpful and I would love to hear your feedback. 405 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,640 Speaker 1: I know disappointment is something that we probably could feel 406 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,480 Speaker 1: every single day if we wanted to, if we chose 407 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,080 Speaker 1: the let it affect us in that way, and so 408 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:59,960 Speaker 1: sometimes it can get really overwhelming. But send me a DM. 409 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,720 Speaker 1: I'd love to hear your stories, and I hope you 410 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,800 Speaker 1: have such a wonderful week. Tending you so much love, 411 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:09,680 Speaker 1: M