Speaker 1: This was a conversation that happened with someone else on
Speaker 1: the street yesterday. They were saying that they feel that
Speaker 1: when they open up to others, what they share will
Speaker 1: one day be used against them, And I thought, how
Speaker 1: sad is that that people in this world are experiencing
Speaker 1: their intimacy turned into a weapon. When you're putting down
Speaker 1: your shield, someone's using that as a weapon. That's really difficult.
Speaker 1: That's a really challenging place to be. Hey, everyone, welcome
Speaker 1: back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in
Speaker 1: the world. Thanks to each and every single one of
Speaker 1: you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now,
Speaker 1: I just want to start off by saying that it
Speaker 1: has been incredible to see the downloads, to see the
Speaker 1: listens just go through the roof, because I know so
Speaker 1: many of you are not just listening to one episode
Speaker 1: a week, not just listening to two episodes a week.
Speaker 1: Most of you are listening to an episode every single day.
Speaker 1: And that truly blows my mind because it shows me
Speaker 1: that we're living in a world that is hungry to grow,
Speaker 1: hungry to improve, hungry to feel better. And I'm just
Speaker 1: blown away on a daily basis seeing the love that
Speaker 1: you continue to show me, and I just want you
Speaker 1: to know that when I'm planning these sessions, when I'm
Speaker 1: preparing for them, I'm thinking about each and every one
Speaker 1: of you and hoping that I can share insights and
Speaker 1: practical steps to helping you in your work, your relationships,
Speaker 1: and your life. And I just want to thank you.
Speaker 1: I bumped into so many of you this week. I
Speaker 1: was in New York, speaking to strangers, speaking to some
Speaker 1: of you on the streets. Whoever I bumped into, and
Speaker 1: I had such a fulfilling time, and I just want
Speaker 1: to say how much I deeply appreciate meeting you. And again,
Speaker 1: I'm going to say this to you. If you see
Speaker 1: me on the streets or anywhere, please say hello, because
Speaker 1: it makes my day and I will give you a
Speaker 1: massive argu if you tell me you listen to the podcast.
Speaker 1: So today I'm talking about the seven scientifically proven ways
Speaker 1: to know you're falling in love. I find this subject
Speaker 1: matter so deeply fascinating because I believe that love is
Speaker 1: one of those things that we're addicted to learning more about.
Speaker 1: So a lot of the studies show that men might
Speaker 1: experience feelings of love faster than women. Some say almost
Speaker 1: six weeks earlier. But men are also the ones to
Speaker 1: say I love you first. Even though what I find
Speaker 1: most fascinating is a lot of the times when men
Speaker 1: have said that, they also fall out of love faster
Speaker 1: as well. And so men fall into love faster, and
Speaker 1: they fall out of love faster as well. Study sure
Speaker 1: that women might say I love you more often, and
Speaker 1: women take a bit longer to fall in love, as
Speaker 1: they are predisposed to being more thoughtful about using those
Speaker 1: words and about making that decision. So what's really fascinating
Speaker 1: about love is that we see people use this word
Speaker 1: as being appropriate for many different feelings. Someone could just
Speaker 1: be deeply attracted to you and they call it love.
Speaker 1: Some people could just be admirers of you and they
Speaker 1: call it love. Some people may just be lustful after
Speaker 1: you and they call it love. And so we've got
Speaker 1: to be really careful about the way we use the
Speaker 1: word love, because the idea of love is in itself
Speaker 1: so intoxicating that we don't always think about the use
Speaker 1: of the word. So when I'm telling you today the
Speaker 1: scientifically proven ways to know you're falling in love, we're
Speaker 1: talking about the love that I'm defining as a love
Speaker 1: that's going to last, a love that you're going to
Speaker 1: invest in, a love that you're willing to put the
Speaker 1: work into. I think for me, I know that I've
Speaker 1: met people who could fall in last with a new
Speaker 1: person every month, right literally every month. They would come
Speaker 1: to me and say, I'm really into this person, I'm
Speaker 1: really into this person. I'm really into this person. Oh yeah, no,
Speaker 1: now I'm into this person. And if someone's looking for
Speaker 1: that quick win, that quick feeling of pleasure, then that
Speaker 1: can be a really good recipe. But for those of
Speaker 1: us that want to have long lasting, deep fulfilling relationships
Speaker 1: with one person, these are the signs that you're falling
Speaker 1: in love with them. Some of them are going to
Speaker 1: be ones that you recognize, some of them are going
Speaker 1: to be ones that surprise you. So let's get going.
Speaker 1: The first one that I want to share with you
Speaker 1: is that this one. I mean, I'm sharing this one
Speaker 1: with you, but this isn't the easiest one to measure.
Speaker 1: But I know that all of you are going to
Speaker 1: get a heart rate monitor or a stethoscope out after this,
Speaker 1: even with your partners, even if you're dating already. This
Speaker 1: one's brilliant. You've started breathing in time with them. How
Speaker 1: amazing is that. Then when you start falling in love
Speaker 1: with someone, you start breathing in time with them. So
Speaker 1: studies show that humans start to emulate another person's body language,
Speaker 1: but also they're breathing when they're feeling a sense of connectivity,
Speaker 1: and that holds truth for couples that are in love.
Speaker 1: One Scientific Reports study of twenty two long term couples
Speaker 1: found that when the two were sitting together, even when
Speaker 1: they weren't touching, their breath and heart rates naturally fell
Speaker 1: into time with each other. If one was in pain
Speaker 1: and they weren't able to touch, the connection was lost,
Speaker 1: but bringing contact back help them sink up again. I
Speaker 1: really find this one interesting because I love when emotions
Speaker 1: obviously can be proven through biology and it's really interesting.
Speaker 1: So next time you're together, put your hand on each
Speaker 1: other's heart see if you're beating at the same rate
Speaker 1: at the same pace. If you really want to get
Speaker 1: a heart monitor out in check as well, and it's
Speaker 1: a beautiful practice to start breathing together. My wife and
Speaker 1: I often meditate together. As I've always said, Raley wakes
Speaker 1: up a little bit earlier than me an hour earlier
Speaker 1: than me, but Raley wakes up a little bit earlier
Speaker 1: than me, and she'll be meditating for an hour by
Speaker 1: the time I get up and start meditating, so maybe
Speaker 1: we'll get like half an hour to an hour together.
Speaker 1: And what I find really special about that is we
Speaker 1: feel so in sync, not just on a values basis,
Speaker 1: from a breathing basis and perspective, and also aligned at
Speaker 1: the beginning of the day. And I know that for
Speaker 1: Radi that makes such a big difference to how she
Speaker 1: feels aligned with me when she knows we're getting that
Speaker 1: morning time together. This is one of the reasons why
Speaker 1: couples who emulate and mimic each other's routines also have
Speaker 1: healthier relationships when couples are waking up at a similar time,
Speaker 1: when they're sleeping at a similar time. And notice howays
Speaker 1: say similar, not saying because two people are not the same.
Speaker 1: When we demand that our partner goes to sleep at
Speaker 1: the same time as us or wakes up at the
Speaker 1: same time as us, that can be really harmful in
Speaker 1: a relationship. That can actually be quite detrimental in a
Speaker 1: relationship because for most people that's just not real. But
Speaker 1: a similar time is healthy when you get into bed
Speaker 1: at the same time, but maybe one of you likes
Speaker 1: to read a little bit before you get to bed,
Speaker 1: maybe one of you likes to do a meditation on
Speaker 1: your own before you go to bed. But getting into
Speaker 1: bed at the same time, having dinner together every day,
Speaker 1: there are small routine habits that we can create with
Speaker 1: our partners when we start to synergize. What's really interesting
Speaker 1: is that when most people start dating, they spend a
Speaker 1: lot of time together, so they feel a little bit
Speaker 1: of synergy. Then when you get married, or you move
Speaker 1: in or you start dating where you are living together
Speaker 1: and cohabitating during that time, we start to see routines
Speaker 1: become very different. I had one friend who her boyfriend
Speaker 1: would want to play video games all night till four am,
Speaker 1: and she'd want to sleep at ten pm and wake
Speaker 1: up at seven am to get on with her day.
Speaker 1: He'd want to get into bed at four am and
Speaker 1: wake up at eleven am, right because his work was
Speaker 1: more flexible. Now, I'm not saying either of them are
Speaker 1: right or wrong, but that naturally causes distance in a relationship.
Speaker 1: You may think that that's okay, but it won't be sustainable,
Speaker 1: and so at one point, both of you have to
Speaker 1: ask what's more important this relationship or me playing video
Speaker 1: games till four am. Now, I'm sure that you'll choose
Speaker 1: FIFA if you choose video games. Now, I'm kidding. I'm
Speaker 1: hoping that you'll choose your relationship. But it's really fascinating
Speaker 1: to me that not only are your breaths aligned, when
Speaker 1: your routines are aligned, when your meal times are aligned,
Speaker 1: this creates a synergy in your relationship. So I want
Speaker 1: you to think about what's the one thing you can
Speaker 1: do every day with your partner that makes you feel connected.
Speaker 1: Is it that you have breakfast together? Is it that
Speaker 1: you dinner together? Is it that you sleep at the
Speaker 1: same time or wake up at the same time or
Speaker 1: similar time. What is that one habit a day that
Speaker 1: you're going to do together. For me and Radie, it's
Speaker 1: definitely been having our evening tea right Sometimes I'm really
Speaker 1: tired from a lot of late events and I want
Speaker 1: to sleep in a little bit, or sometimes she's out
Speaker 1: for dinner or meeting someone. But we found that having
Speaker 1: our evening tea together has been a really powerful routine
Speaker 1: to sink and synergize. If you want a long lasting relationship.
Speaker 1: What is your synergy habit? What is your synergy routine
Speaker 1: that you do every single day? Now, notice how I
Speaker 1: didn't mention watching a show. I'm not going to say
Speaker 1: that you can't watch a show together, but you discussing
Speaker 1: the show is more important than you watching the show.
Speaker 1: So if you are going to watch an episode over
Speaker 1: your favorite show, discuss it. Take five ten minutes at
Speaker 1: the end of it to have a bit of a
Speaker 1: reflection about it. If you are going to watch a movie,
Speaker 1: conversate about it. It It may the next day. Maybe you
Speaker 1: need tempt to digest, but have a moment where you're
Speaker 1: actually communicating with each other. This isn't just about physical proximity.
Speaker 1: This is about genuine synergy. Right, This is not about
Speaker 1: physical proximity, It's about emotional synergy. Now, the second scientifically
Speaker 1: proven way to know that you're falling in love is
Speaker 1: you generally have a more optimistic view on life. You've
Speaker 1: started to look at the challenges and troubles through a
Speaker 1: different lens. It's not that you're ignoring tough things, but
Speaker 1: you're able to see the good in them, You're able
Speaker 1: to learn from them, You're able to feel that you're
Speaker 1: growing as an individual, and you're able to expand your worldview.
Speaker 1: A study of two hundred and forty five young adult
Speaker 1: couples published in the Journal of Personality found that being
Speaker 1: in a relationship made individuals less neurotic and more optimistic.
Speaker 1: If you've noticed your own attitude changing, you might be
Speaker 1: gearing up for a long, healthy relationship. Now. I hadn't
Speaker 1: seen Riley for a bit because we were both traveling
Speaker 1: for work, and I'm going to see her in a
Speaker 1: couple of days, and I cannot be more excited. I
Speaker 1: have to share this with you. I wrote Raley this
Speaker 1: note for when she was coming back, but she was
Speaker 1: coming back while I was away, And the note talks
Speaker 1: about how you know, she's the heart of our home.
Speaker 1: We're fortunate enough to have a beautiful home, but when
Speaker 1: she's not in that home, it doesn't have the same light,
Speaker 1: it doesn't have the same spark, it doesn't have the
Speaker 1: same feeling, and the world seems like a more beautiful
Speaker 1: place when Raley's in that world with me. And we've
Speaker 1: been together now for nearly ten years, we've been married
Speaker 1: for six The fact that I still feel that way
Speaker 1: about her makes me really happy. But think about that
Speaker 1: just being with your partner make you feel like the
Speaker 1: world's a better place. Maybe it's because you have someone
Speaker 1: to turn to. Maybe it's because you have someone to
Speaker 1: connect with. Maybe it's because you know that you can
Speaker 1: rely on someone there to share your feelings with. I
Speaker 1: bumped into someone yesterday on the streets of New York
Speaker 1: and he was telling me that well. I was standing
Speaker 1: up with a sign in New York City that said
Speaker 1: one in four people you know is struggling with the
Speaker 1: mental health condition. If you need to talk, I'm here
Speaker 1: for you. And so many people stopped to talk to me.
Speaker 1: And one of the gentleman who stopped to talk to me,
Speaker 1: and he wasn't aware of the podcast, of the book
Speaker 1: or anything like that. He just stopped because he needed
Speaker 1: to share his heart. And he said to me that
Speaker 1: recently he broke up and the conversation he was having
Speaker 1: with me a random person on the street. He didn't
Speaker 1: identify me as Jay Sherry, just literally bumped it to
Speaker 1: me on the streets, saw the sign. He told me
Speaker 1: that he usually has that conversation with his ex girlfriend
Speaker 1: now ex girlfriend, and now he doesn't know who to
Speaker 1: have it with, and so you can see how the
Speaker 1: world seems like a quieter, darker, harder place because he
Speaker 1: no longer has someone to share his deep, vulnerable, open
Speaker 1: feelings with. So ask yourself, are you becoming more optimistic
Speaker 1: around this person? Are you feeling more positive because of them?
Speaker 1: Are you feeling positive about them? But more importantly, are
Speaker 1: you also feeling positive about life? I think often we
Speaker 1: think of lovers, I love them. They are amazing, they
Speaker 1: are special, they are unique, and I think that that's wonderful.
Speaker 1: But I over time that feeling is difficult for a
Speaker 1: lot of people to maintain, especially when we come across
Speaker 1: challenges in a relationship. But really, what you're asking is
Speaker 1: has your worldview positively changed bying wing with them? Do
Speaker 1: you think you're more open? Do you think you're open
Speaker 1: to more adventure? Do you think you're open to trialing
Speaker 1: new things? Do you think you are saying yes to
Speaker 1: new opportunities? Is that coming around? Are you someone who
Speaker 1: is restricting yourself because of this person and limiting yourself
Speaker 1: or are you expanding and extending yourself? So that is
Speaker 1: the second scientifically proven way to know you're falling in love.
Speaker 1: The third one is you have a similar sense of humor. Now,
Speaker 1: when Rady and I got together, we banter a lot,
Speaker 1: and it's like British banter, where you almost sound like
Speaker 1: you're cussing each other, right, It's almost like you're playing
Speaker 1: that game like your mama jokes right with each other.
Speaker 1: People get really uncomfortable around us sometimes sometimes they see
Speaker 1: us having this conversation and they're like, is your relationship okay?
Speaker 1: Are you guys okay? And we just have a very
Speaker 1: similar sense of humor where we can just dig into
Speaker 1: each other for fun and banter with each other, and
Speaker 1: we enjoy that. Now we also like laughing at the
Speaker 1: same movies, the same jokes, the same stories. Radi does
Speaker 1: think I'm funny. Sometimes she'll say I'm not, But overall
Speaker 1: I believe she thinks I'm funny. Radi is hilarious, right.
Speaker 1: I find her ridiculously funny, And she thinks that's just
Speaker 1: because I love her, But I actually think a lot
Speaker 1: of people find her funny. And research published in Evolutionary
Speaker 1: Psychology found that laughing at another person's jokes was a
Speaker 1: sign of dating interest in that person, but the best
Speaker 1: signal of romantic interest was if both people were cracking
Speaker 1: up together. Laughter shows warmth. So giggling together means you're
Speaker 1: feeling a mutual connection. So it's a really good idea
Speaker 1: to go to a comedy club as one of your dates.
Speaker 1: It's a really good idea to go to a funny
Speaker 1: movie as one of your early dates, to see if
Speaker 1: you have the same sense of humor, to see if
Speaker 1: you have the same values around human Now, I have
Speaker 1: to be honest and say that there are limits to
Speaker 1: this as well. I'm sitting in this room right now.
Speaker 1: I'm recording with my man, Paul Brazil, who's been my
Speaker 1: videographer since day one. Since I moved to New York.
Speaker 1: I worked with Raj in London, and then when I
Speaker 1: moved to New York, I worked with Paul for the
Speaker 1: last five years. And Paul and me have been to
Speaker 1: see comedy shows together. We've been to see funny movies together.
Speaker 1: I think we have a similar sense of humor. He's
Speaker 1: nodding along, so I think I think he's agreeing. But
Speaker 1: at the same time, me and Raley have the same
Speaker 1: sense of humor, although there are some limits. I remember
Speaker 1: taking to watch a movie that she found extremely offensive
Speaker 1: and I found extremely hilarious and could appreciate and there
Speaker 1: is a limit to that kind of humor. Maybe it's
Speaker 1: a bit more bro humor, a bit more dued humor,
Speaker 1: and rather definite does not appreciate that. So again, this
Speaker 1: is not saying that you have to laugh at the
Speaker 1: same things all the time or agree on everything all
Speaker 1: the time, but that you have a similar sense of humor. Stress, anxiety, overwhelm, burnout.
Speaker 1: What do all of these have in common a lack
Speaker 1: of perceived control over your time, thoughts, and tasks. But
Speaker 1: what if I told you fixing all of these problems
Speaker 1: is as simple as fixing your mindset towards them. I know,
Speaker 1: not simple at all. Everyone's busy, everyone's stress, but we
Speaker 1: could all use more car in our lives, and learning
Speaker 1: to stay grounded and grateful is truly a daily practice.
Speaker 1: That's why I've partnered with Calm dot com to bring
Speaker 1: you the Daily J. If you've ever wanted to meditate
Speaker 1: with me and take back control over your busy mind,
Speaker 1: join me on the car map for the Daily J,
Speaker 1: a daily guided meditation where I'll help you find calm
Speaker 1: in the chaos, plant beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant
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Speaker 1: closer to the life of your dreams. Meditate with Me
Speaker 1: by going to Calm dot com forward slash Jay to
Speaker 1: get forty percent off a Calm Premium membership that's only
Speaker 1: forty two dollars for the whole year for daily guided meditations.
Speaker 1: Experience the Daily j only on Calm. The next scientifically
Speaker 1: proven way to know you're falling in love is that
Speaker 1: you feel like you'll be honest with someone, like there's
Speaker 1: no more secret keeping. And it says that intimacy is
Speaker 1: the biggest factor that sets love of apart from the
Speaker 1: attraction you feel in the early days of dating, says
Speaker 1: Marissa T. Cohen, PhD, co founder of The Relationship Lab,
Speaker 1: and she says that intimacy involves self disclosure. So if
Speaker 1: you feel like you can share your secrets with someone,
Speaker 1: if you feel like you can be honest with someone,
Speaker 1: if you feel like you can be transparent with someone,
Speaker 1: chances are that there's a sign that there's love. Now.
Speaker 1: This isn't about are you transparent, are you an open book?
Speaker 1: This is do you feel like you can actually share
Speaker 1: something with them? And the reason why we don't share
Speaker 1: things with other people is because we're scared they're going
Speaker 1: to be used against us. This was a conversation that
Speaker 1: happened with someone else on the street yesterday. They were
Speaker 1: saying that they feel that when they open up to others,
Speaker 1: what they share will one day be used against them,
Speaker 1: And I thought, how sad is that? Like, how heartbreaking
Speaker 1: is that that people in this world are experiencing their
Speaker 1: intimacy turn into a weapon. Imagine your secrets are being
Speaker 1: turned into weapons. Your emotional outpouring is being turned into
Speaker 1: a weapon against you. When you're putting down your shield,
Speaker 1: someone's using that as a weapon. That's really difficult. That's
Speaker 1: a really challenging place to be. Now you may say, well, Jay,
Speaker 1: how do you know? How do you know? Sometimes you
Speaker 1: feel like you want to be open and honest with someone,
Speaker 1: Sometimes you want to open your heart to someone. Sometimes
Speaker 1: you do trust them, but you never know if they're
Speaker 1: going to use it as a weapon. That's where you
Speaker 1: want to weigh. Just because you feel like telling someone
Speaker 1: the truth doesn't mean you're in love. What true love
Speaker 1: is when you share your truth, that person honors that truth.
Speaker 1: They don't use it against you in a fight, they
Speaker 1: don't manipulate you with it, they don't use it as
Speaker 1: a form of control or a method of bargaining or negotiating.
Speaker 1: It's it's used to support you, it's used to help you.
Speaker 1: It's used to propel you forward and uplift you. And
Speaker 1: so you don't feel like you need to keep secrets.
Speaker 1: But really, how they respond to that secret is the
Speaker 1: sign of love or not. You may be in love
Speaker 1: because you want to share it, but whether they're in
Speaker 1: love with you or not is based on how they respond.
Speaker 1: I often say to people that sometimes when you start
Speaker 1: dating and someone tells you something really open and honest,
Speaker 1: like maybe they open up to you and they say, hey,
Speaker 1: I have a porn addiction, or maybe they open up
Speaker 1: to you and say, hey, I used to be an alcoholic,
Speaker 1: or maybe they open up to you and say I'm
Speaker 1: really struggling with X, Y Z or z as. I
Speaker 1: would say, a lot of the times that can be
Speaker 1: quite alarming, and we can be quite taken aback and
Speaker 1: caught off God because we didn't want to know that
Speaker 1: about them. We almost don't want it to be true,
Speaker 1: and so we actually retaliate, We actually reflect poorly on
Speaker 1: them because we're like, well, I didn't want to know
Speaker 1: that about you, so you can't be that. I don't
Speaker 1: want you to be that, and we're actually upset by it.
Speaker 1: But actually the fact that they've disclosed that with you
Speaker 1: is an incredible sign of openness, is an incredible sign
Speaker 1: of genuineness. Now, I'm not saying you have to stay
Speaker 1: with that person, or you have to respect the challenge
Speaker 1: that they have or help them through it. But don't
Speaker 1: write someone off because they are honest with you. Don't
Speaker 1: write someone off because they're honest with you and you
Speaker 1: don't like their honesty. Because I think a lot of
Speaker 1: us are like I wish I was with someone honest,
Speaker 1: I wish I was with someone transparent, But then when
Speaker 1: someone is honest or transparent, we're uncomfortable with their honesty
Speaker 1: and transparency. So if someone is honest and transparent with you,
Speaker 1: even if you're not comfortable with it, thank them and
Speaker 1: acknowledge them for doing that, because if you react poorly,
Speaker 1: they're then going to be scared to share that with
Speaker 1: someone else. So if you react badly to their honesty,
Speaker 1: they may never feel comfortable to be honest with someone
Speaker 1: else because they'll think every time they're honest with someone,
Speaker 1: they scare someone away. That's one of The first reasons
Speaker 1: why we all stop blocking ourselves and boundarying up ourselves
Speaker 1: from actually telling people how we truly feel is because
Speaker 1: they're scared going to scare them away, so being honest
Speaker 1: and transparent, all right. The next scientifically proven way to
Speaker 1: know you're falling in love is when you're making plans,
Speaker 1: you think about your partner, you include them. When instead
Speaker 1: of saying I think this, you start saying we believe,
Speaker 1: or we think or we started doing this right, You're
Speaker 1: not just thinking about what you want and what you
Speaker 1: need to do. You're thinking about what you both need.
Speaker 1: And I remember feeling this way. Would rather when I
Speaker 1: started to recognize that I wasn't an eye anymore. I
Speaker 1: was a WE, I wasn't me, I was an US,
Speaker 1: And I started to recognize that my decisions affected both
Speaker 1: of us. And when I realized that my decisions now
Speaker 1: affected both of us, they didn't change my decisions, but
Speaker 1: they changed how I communicated with them. And I think
Speaker 1: that's where people go wrong. People think that when you
Speaker 1: become a we or an US instead of an I
Speaker 1: and a me, you now have to change your decision.
Speaker 1: I would say, I didn't change my decisions, but I
Speaker 1: changed how I communicated and directed those decisions. So if
Speaker 1: I got a work trip or I had to travel,
Speaker 1: it's not that I was going to say no to
Speaker 1: that trip. I would make rather aware in advance that Hey,
Speaker 1: I've got this opportunity. This is why I really want
Speaker 1: to take it. I think it would be really great
Speaker 1: for us if I go and do this right. And
Speaker 1: I want you to know so that you can plan
Speaker 1: something or do whatever you want that weekend when I'll
Speaker 1: be traveling for work. So notice how you're not just saying, Okay,
Speaker 1: this is right for me, so I'm going to do it,
Speaker 1: or oh, my wife's going to be upset with me
Speaker 1: if I'm there, so I'm going to cancel it. It's
Speaker 1: not I'm going to communicate why I think this is
Speaker 1: good for us, why it's helpful to us. Maybe we
Speaker 1: want to invest a bit more in this area this year,
Speaker 1: Maybe we want to travel this year a bit more,
Speaker 1: and I need to go and do a bit of
Speaker 1: extra work for that. Whatever it may be. Right. So
Speaker 1: you include your partner when you're making decisions, and you
Speaker 1: will have that conversation with them. Again, it's not stopping
Speaker 1: yourself from in the decision that you want, it's actually
Speaker 1: including them as part of that conversation. The next scientifically
Speaker 1: proven way to know you're falling in love is you
Speaker 1: are now no longer looking for that flirty validation from
Speaker 1: someone else. Right, It's so easy to keep fishing for compliments,
Speaker 1: to keep fishing for people to be attracted to you
Speaker 1: for keep fishing for that validation, and a lot of
Speaker 1: us enjoy it. A lot of us enjoyed that. We
Speaker 1: enjoyed the casual flirt we enjoy the attraction of other people. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying you don't feel appreciate it when someone says, hey,
Speaker 1: you look good today, or that looks good on you.
Speaker 1: That's awesome. Right, well, that's great. I'm not I'm not
Speaker 1: criticizing that. I'm just saying that you're no longer now
Speaker 1: trying to impress people. You're no longer trying to get
Speaker 1: them to say those things. Whereas when you start dating someone,
Speaker 1: you want to impress them, Right, that's normal. But now
Speaker 1: you're not trying to use that same place in other
Speaker 1: places because you've feel a sense of validation from the
Speaker 1: person you're with. Evidence from fMRIs shows that when people
Speaker 1: who are in love see a photo of their lover,
Speaker 1: the parts of the brain associated with reward and motivation
Speaker 1: light up. According to the research published in the Journal
Speaker 1: of Comparative Neurology, that's a separate part of the brain
Speaker 1: from what's associated with sex drive. The findings led researchers
Speaker 1: to the conclusion that when someone is in love, their
Speaker 1: brain is programmed to focus solely on that person and
Speaker 1: to put other potential lovers on hold. So just think
Speaker 1: about that for a second. Right, the part that's associated
Speaker 1: with sex drive, that's that casual flirt, that's that impressing people,
Speaker 1: That's that validation that you may feel consistently. But love
Speaker 1: is when you're like, well, I don't want to feel
Speaker 1: that with someone else anymore. And I may feel that
Speaker 1: with someone else as well. Today I may feel attraction,
Speaker 1: I may feel lost, but I don't want to feel
Speaker 1: that with them. I may feel it, but I don't
Speaker 1: want to I'm not choosing to feel that with this person.
Speaker 1: I'm not choosing to act on it. Right, The last
Speaker 1: one I want to share with you is ultimately the
Speaker 1: biggest one. There's a feeling of aligned values. There's a
Speaker 1: feeling of aligned values. Now, this doesn't mean that you
Speaker 1: have the same values. It doesn't mean that you agree
Speaker 1: on each other's values, means that you respect each other's values.
Speaker 1: I think we've wasted a lot of time trying to
Speaker 1: say I have to have the same values as the
Speaker 1: person I'm with. Obviously that's amazing, but that's rare you
Speaker 1: can have aligned values. So a lot of people break
Speaker 1: up because they say we don't want the same things
Speaker 1: or we're not the same people. And actually you're going
Speaker 1: to be struggling really hard to find someone who's the same.
Speaker 1: Chances are you're more likely to date someone who's very
Speaker 1: different to you than you are someone who's the same
Speaker 1: as you. And the thing you're really looking for is
Speaker 1: do I like these differences enough to understand and grow
Speaker 1: with this person? Or do I not like these differences.
Speaker 1: It's not about are we more similar or are we
Speaker 1: more dissimilar? I like the differences. We have things in common?
Speaker 1: And do I like the things in common? And do
Speaker 1: I like the things that are different? Rather than going okay, no,
Speaker 1: if we have things in common, then we're for each other,
Speaker 1: and if we don't, then we're not for each other,
Speaker 1: it's no do I like the things we have in common?
Speaker 1: And can I approach the things we don't have in
Speaker 1: common in an effective and healthy way. So these are
Speaker 1: the seven scientifically proven ways to know you're falling in love.
Speaker 1: I hope you test them with your partners. I hope
Speaker 1: you test them with someone you're dating. And I hope
Speaker 1: you think about also when you were wrong about love,
Speaker 1: or when you didn't find love, or maybe when you
Speaker 1: said it or someone said it and it didn't turn
Speaker 1: out to be that way, which was a sign that
Speaker 1: you were missing. Thank you so much for joining me today.
Speaker 1: I hope you'll pass this on someone who may need
Speaker 1: it on. Thank you for listening today, and just try
Speaker 1: and apply one of the principles from today. That's all,
Speaker 1: just one, and watch how your life changes. I just
Speaker 1: want to read a few reviews. This is from Brianna P. Hello, J.
Speaker 1: I absolutely love listening to you and the way you
Speaker 1: communicate to us listeners and those whom you have relationships
Speaker 1: with that are interviewed. I wanted to start listen to
Speaker 1: podcasts and I've always struggled with mental health. I saw
Speaker 1: the last bit of you on the Ellen Show recently,
Speaker 1: which is where I heard of this podcast, so I
Speaker 1: started with listening to you while I have my other
Speaker 1: self healing remedies. Your podcast is so inspirational and I've
Speaker 1: made a daily ritual because listening to you has positively
Speaker 1: impacted me so much. I'm so grateful that I get
Speaker 1: to have the opportunity to listen to all you have
Speaker 1: to say. You truly make an impact on people in
Speaker 1: the world. I love the interview you had with Lily
Speaker 1: Singh and can't wait to start reading Be a Triangle
Speaker 1: just got it a target once again. Thank you for
Speaker 1: being part of my support system. Brianna P Brianna, thank
Speaker 1: you for that wonderful review, and I just want to
Speaker 1: give a big shout out. We're now over eighteen thousand reviews.
Speaker 1: Our goal for twenty twenty two is twenty thousand reviews,
Speaker 1: so we've got two thousand to go. Keep them coming.
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to on Purpose. I'll see you soon.
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