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Speaker 1: This was a conversation that happened with someone else on

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Speaker 1: the street yesterday. They were saying that they feel that

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Speaker 1: when they open up to others, what they share will

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Speaker 1: one day be used against them, And I thought, how

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Speaker 1: sad is that that people in this world are experiencing

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Speaker 1: their intimacy turned into a weapon. When you're putting down

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Speaker 1: your shield, someone's using that as a weapon. That's really difficult.

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Speaker 1: That's a really challenging place to be. Hey, everyone, welcome

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Speaker 1: back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in

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Speaker 1: the world. Thanks to each and every single one of

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Speaker 1: you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now,

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Speaker 1: I just want to start off by saying that it

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Speaker 1: has been incredible to see the downloads, to see the

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Speaker 1: listens just go through the roof, because I know so

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Speaker 1: many of you are not just listening to one episode

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Speaker 1: a week, not just listening to two episodes a week.

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Speaker 1: Most of you are listening to an episode every single day.

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Speaker 1: And that truly blows my mind because it shows me

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Speaker 1: that we're living in a world that is hungry to grow,

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Speaker 1: hungry to improve, hungry to feel better. And I'm just

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Speaker 1: blown away on a daily basis seeing the love that

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Speaker 1: you continue to show me, and I just want you

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Speaker 1: to know that when I'm planning these sessions, when I'm

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Speaker 1: preparing for them, I'm thinking about each and every one

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Speaker 1: of you and hoping that I can share insights and

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Speaker 1: practical steps to helping you in your work, your relationships,

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Speaker 1: and your life. And I just want to thank you.

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Speaker 1: I bumped into so many of you this week. I

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Speaker 1: was in New York, speaking to strangers, speaking to some

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Speaker 1: of you on the streets. Whoever I bumped into, and

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Speaker 1: I had such a fulfilling time, and I just want

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Speaker 1: to say how much I deeply appreciate meeting you. And again,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to say this to you. If you see

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Speaker 1: me on the streets or anywhere, please say hello, because

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Speaker 1: it makes my day and I will give you a

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Speaker 1: massive argu if you tell me you listen to the podcast.

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Speaker 1: So today I'm talking about the seven scientifically proven ways

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Speaker 1: to know you're falling in love. I find this subject

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Speaker 1: matter so deeply fascinating because I believe that love is

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Speaker 1: one of those things that we're addicted to learning more about.

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Speaker 1: So a lot of the studies show that men might

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Speaker 1: experience feelings of love faster than women. Some say almost

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Speaker 1: six weeks earlier. But men are also the ones to

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Speaker 1: say I love you first. Even though what I find

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Speaker 1: most fascinating is a lot of the times when men

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Speaker 1: have said that, they also fall out of love faster

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Speaker 1: as well. And so men fall into love faster, and

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Speaker 1: they fall out of love faster as well. Study sure

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Speaker 1: that women might say I love you more often, and

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Speaker 1: women take a bit longer to fall in love, as

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Speaker 1: they are predisposed to being more thoughtful about using those

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Speaker 1: words and about making that decision. So what's really fascinating

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Speaker 1: about love is that we see people use this word

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Speaker 1: as being appropriate for many different feelings. Someone could just

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Speaker 1: be deeply attracted to you and they call it love.

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Speaker 1: Some people could just be admirers of you and they

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Speaker 1: call it love. Some people may just be lustful after

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Speaker 1: you and they call it love. And so we've got

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Speaker 1: to be really careful about the way we use the

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Speaker 1: word love, because the idea of love is in itself

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Speaker 1: so intoxicating that we don't always think about the use

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Speaker 1: of the word. So when I'm telling you today the

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Speaker 1: scientifically proven ways to know you're falling in love, we're

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Speaker 1: talking about the love that I'm defining as a love

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Speaker 1: that's going to last, a love that you're going to

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Speaker 1: invest in, a love that you're willing to put the

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Speaker 1: work into. I think for me, I know that I've

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Speaker 1: met people who could fall in last with a new

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Speaker 1: person every month, right literally every month. They would come

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Speaker 1: to me and say, I'm really into this person, I'm

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Speaker 1: really into this person. I'm really into this person. Oh yeah, no,

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Speaker 1: now I'm into this person. And if someone's looking for

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Speaker 1: that quick win, that quick feeling of pleasure, then that

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Speaker 1: can be a really good recipe. But for those of

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Speaker 1: us that want to have long lasting, deep fulfilling relationships

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Speaker 1: with one person, these are the signs that you're falling

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Speaker 1: in love with them. Some of them are going to

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Speaker 1: be ones that you recognize, some of them are going

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Speaker 1: to be ones that surprise you. So let's get going.

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Speaker 1: The first one that I want to share with you

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Speaker 1: is that this one. I mean, I'm sharing this one

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Speaker 1: with you, but this isn't the easiest one to measure.

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Speaker 1: But I know that all of you are going to

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Speaker 1: get a heart rate monitor or a stethoscope out after this,

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Speaker 1: even with your partners, even if you're dating already. This

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Speaker 1: one's brilliant. You've started breathing in time with them. How

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Speaker 1: amazing is that. Then when you start falling in love

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Speaker 1: with someone, you start breathing in time with them. So

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Speaker 1: studies show that humans start to emulate another person's body language,

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Speaker 1: but also they're breathing when they're feeling a sense of connectivity,

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Speaker 1: and that holds truth for couples that are in love.

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Speaker 1: One Scientific Reports study of twenty two long term couples

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Speaker 1: found that when the two were sitting together, even when

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Speaker 1: they weren't touching, their breath and heart rates naturally fell

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Speaker 1: into time with each other. If one was in pain

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Speaker 1: and they weren't able to touch, the connection was lost,

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Speaker 1: but bringing contact back help them sink up again. I

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Speaker 1: really find this one interesting because I love when emotions

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Speaker 1: obviously can be proven through biology and it's really interesting.

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Speaker 1: So next time you're together, put your hand on each

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Speaker 1: other's heart see if you're beating at the same rate

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Speaker 1: at the same pace. If you really want to get

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Speaker 1: a heart monitor out in check as well, and it's

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Speaker 1: a beautiful practice to start breathing together. My wife and

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Speaker 1: I often meditate together. As I've always said, Raley wakes

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Speaker 1: up a little bit earlier than me an hour earlier

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Speaker 1: than me, but Raley wakes up a little bit earlier

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Speaker 1: than me, and she'll be meditating for an hour by

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Speaker 1: the time I get up and start meditating, so maybe

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Speaker 1: we'll get like half an hour to an hour together.

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Speaker 1: And what I find really special about that is we

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Speaker 1: feel so in sync, not just on a values basis,

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Speaker 1: from a breathing basis and perspective, and also aligned at

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Speaker 1: the beginning of the day. And I know that for

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Speaker 1: Radi that makes such a big difference to how she

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Speaker 1: feels aligned with me when she knows we're getting that

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Speaker 1: morning time together. This is one of the reasons why

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Speaker 1: couples who emulate and mimic each other's routines also have

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Speaker 1: healthier relationships when couples are waking up at a similar time,

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Speaker 1: when they're sleeping at a similar time. And notice howays

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Speaker 1: say similar, not saying because two people are not the same.

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Speaker 1: When we demand that our partner goes to sleep at

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Speaker 1: the same time as us or wakes up at the

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Speaker 1: same time as us, that can be really harmful in

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Speaker 1: a relationship. That can actually be quite detrimental in a

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Speaker 1: relationship because for most people that's just not real. But

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Speaker 1: a similar time is healthy when you get into bed

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Speaker 1: at the same time, but maybe one of you likes

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Speaker 1: to read a little bit before you get to bed,

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Speaker 1: maybe one of you likes to do a meditation on

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Speaker 1: your own before you go to bed. But getting into

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Speaker 1: bed at the same time, having dinner together every day,

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Speaker 1: there are small routine habits that we can create with

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Speaker 1: our partners when we start to synergize. What's really interesting

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Speaker 1: is that when most people start dating, they spend a

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Speaker 1: lot of time together, so they feel a little bit

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Speaker 1: of synergy. Then when you get married, or you move

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Speaker 1: in or you start dating where you are living together

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Speaker 1: and cohabitating during that time, we start to see routines

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Speaker 1: become very different. I had one friend who her boyfriend

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Speaker 1: would want to play video games all night till four am,

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Speaker 1: and she'd want to sleep at ten pm and wake

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Speaker 1: up at seven am to get on with her day.

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Speaker 1: He'd want to get into bed at four am and

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Speaker 1: wake up at eleven am, right because his work was

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Speaker 1: more flexible. Now, I'm not saying either of them are

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Speaker 1: right or wrong, but that naturally causes distance in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: You may think that that's okay, but it won't be sustainable,

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Speaker 1: and so at one point, both of you have to

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Speaker 1: ask what's more important this relationship or me playing video

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Speaker 1: games till four am. Now, I'm sure that you'll choose

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Speaker 1: FIFA if you choose video games. Now, I'm kidding. I'm

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Speaker 1: hoping that you'll choose your relationship. But it's really fascinating

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Speaker 1: to me that not only are your breaths aligned, when

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Speaker 1: your routines are aligned, when your meal times are aligned,

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Speaker 1: this creates a synergy in your relationship. So I want

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Speaker 1: you to think about what's the one thing you can

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Speaker 1: do every day with your partner that makes you feel connected.

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Speaker 1: Is it that you have breakfast together? Is it that

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Speaker 1: you dinner together? Is it that you sleep at the

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Speaker 1: same time or wake up at the same time or

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Speaker 1: similar time. What is that one habit a day that

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Speaker 1: you're going to do together. For me and Radie, it's

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Speaker 1: definitely been having our evening tea right Sometimes I'm really

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Speaker 1: tired from a lot of late events and I want

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Speaker 1: to sleep in a little bit, or sometimes she's out

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Speaker 1: for dinner or meeting someone. But we found that having

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Speaker 1: our evening tea together has been a really powerful routine

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Speaker 1: to sink and synergize. If you want a long lasting relationship.

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Speaker 1: What is your synergy habit? What is your synergy routine

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Speaker 1: that you do every single day? Now, notice how I

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Speaker 1: didn't mention watching a show. I'm not going to say

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Speaker 1: that you can't watch a show together, but you discussing

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Speaker 1: the show is more important than you watching the show.

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Speaker 1: So if you are going to watch an episode over

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Speaker 1: your favorite show, discuss it. Take five ten minutes at

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Speaker 1: the end of it to have a bit of a

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Speaker 1: reflection about it. If you are going to watch a movie,

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Speaker 1: conversate about it. It It may the next day. Maybe you

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Speaker 1: need tempt to digest, but have a moment where you're

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Speaker 1: actually communicating with each other. This isn't just about physical proximity.

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Speaker 1: This is about genuine synergy. Right, This is not about

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Speaker 1: physical proximity, It's about emotional synergy. Now, the second scientifically

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Speaker 1: proven way to know that you're falling in love is

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Speaker 1: you generally have a more optimistic view on life. You've

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Speaker 1: started to look at the challenges and troubles through a

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Speaker 1: different lens. It's not that you're ignoring tough things, but

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Speaker 1: you're able to see the good in them, You're able

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Speaker 1: to learn from them, You're able to feel that you're

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Speaker 1: growing as an individual, and you're able to expand your worldview.

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Speaker 1: A study of two hundred and forty five young adult

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Speaker 1: couples published in the Journal of Personality found that being

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Speaker 1: in a relationship made individuals less neurotic and more optimistic.

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Speaker 1: If you've noticed your own attitude changing, you might be

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Speaker 1: gearing up for a long, healthy relationship. Now. I hadn't

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Speaker 1: seen Riley for a bit because we were both traveling

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Speaker 1: for work, and I'm going to see her in a

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Speaker 1: couple of days, and I cannot be more excited. I

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Speaker 1: have to share this with you. I wrote Raley this

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Speaker 1: note for when she was coming back, but she was

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Speaker 1: coming back while I was away, And the note talks

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Speaker 1: about how you know, she's the heart of our home.

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Speaker 1: We're fortunate enough to have a beautiful home, but when

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Speaker 1: she's not in that home, it doesn't have the same light,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't have the same spark, it doesn't have the

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Speaker 1: same feeling, and the world seems like a more beautiful

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Speaker 1: place when Raley's in that world with me. And we've

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Speaker 1: been together now for nearly ten years, we've been married

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Speaker 1: for six The fact that I still feel that way

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Speaker 1: about her makes me really happy. But think about that

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Speaker 1: just being with your partner make you feel like the

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Speaker 1: world's a better place. Maybe it's because you have someone

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Speaker 1: to turn to. Maybe it's because you have someone to

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Speaker 1: connect with. Maybe it's because you know that you can

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Speaker 1: rely on someone there to share your feelings with. I

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Speaker 1: bumped into someone yesterday on the streets of New York

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Speaker 1: and he was telling me that well. I was standing

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Speaker 1: up with a sign in New York City that said

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Speaker 1: one in four people you know is struggling with the

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Speaker 1: mental health condition. If you need to talk, I'm here

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Speaker 1: for you. And so many people stopped to talk to me.

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Speaker 1: And one of the gentleman who stopped to talk to me,

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Speaker 1: and he wasn't aware of the podcast, of the book

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Speaker 1: or anything like that. He just stopped because he needed

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Speaker 1: to share his heart. And he said to me that

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Speaker 1: recently he broke up and the conversation he was having

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Speaker 1: with me a random person on the street. He didn't

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Speaker 1: identify me as Jay Sherry, just literally bumped it to

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Speaker 1: me on the streets, saw the sign. He told me

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Speaker 1: that he usually has that conversation with his ex girlfriend

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Speaker 1: now ex girlfriend, and now he doesn't know who to

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Speaker 1: have it with, and so you can see how the

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Speaker 1: world seems like a quieter, darker, harder place because he

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Speaker 1: no longer has someone to share his deep, vulnerable, open

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Speaker 1: feelings with. So ask yourself, are you becoming more optimistic

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Speaker 1: around this person? Are you feeling more positive because of them?

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Speaker 1: Are you feeling positive about them? But more importantly, are

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Speaker 1: you also feeling positive about life? I think often we

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Speaker 1: think of lovers, I love them. They are amazing, they

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Speaker 1: are special, they are unique, and I think that that's wonderful.

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Speaker 1: But I over time that feeling is difficult for a

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Speaker 1: lot of people to maintain, especially when we come across

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Speaker 1: challenges in a relationship. But really, what you're asking is

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Speaker 1: has your worldview positively changed bying wing with them? Do

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Speaker 1: you think you're more open? Do you think you're open

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Speaker 1: to more adventure? Do you think you're open to trialing

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Speaker 1: new things? Do you think you are saying yes to

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Speaker 1: new opportunities? Is that coming around? Are you someone who

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Speaker 1: is restricting yourself because of this person and limiting yourself

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Speaker 1: or are you expanding and extending yourself? So that is

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Speaker 1: the second scientifically proven way to know you're falling in love.

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Speaker 1: The third one is you have a similar sense of humor. Now,

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Speaker 1: when Rady and I got together, we banter a lot,

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Speaker 1: and it's like British banter, where you almost sound like

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Speaker 1: you're cussing each other, right, It's almost like you're playing

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Speaker 1: that game like your mama jokes right with each other.

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Speaker 1: People get really uncomfortable around us sometimes sometimes they see

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Speaker 1: us having this conversation and they're like, is your relationship okay?

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Speaker 1: Are you guys okay? And we just have a very

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Speaker 1: similar sense of humor where we can just dig into

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Speaker 1: each other for fun and banter with each other, and

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Speaker 1: we enjoy that. Now we also like laughing at the

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Speaker 1: same movies, the same jokes, the same stories. Radi does

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Speaker 1: think I'm funny. Sometimes she'll say I'm not, But overall

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Speaker 1: I believe she thinks I'm funny. Radi is hilarious, right.

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Speaker 1: I find her ridiculously funny, And she thinks that's just

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Speaker 1: because I love her, But I actually think a lot

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Speaker 1: of people find her funny. And research published in Evolutionary

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Speaker 1: Psychology found that laughing at another person's jokes was a

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Speaker 1: sign of dating interest in that person, but the best

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Speaker 1: signal of romantic interest was if both people were cracking

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Speaker 1: up together. Laughter shows warmth. So giggling together means you're

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Speaker 1: feeling a mutual connection. So it's a really good idea

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Speaker 1: to go to a comedy club as one of your dates.

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Speaker 1: It's a really good idea to go to a funny

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Speaker 1: movie as one of your early dates, to see if

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Speaker 1: you have the same sense of humor, to see if

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Speaker 1: you have the same values around human Now, I have

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Speaker 1: to be honest and say that there are limits to

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Speaker 1: this as well. I'm sitting in this room right now.

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Speaker 1: I'm recording with my man, Paul Brazil, who's been my

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Speaker 1: videographer since day one. Since I moved to New York.

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Speaker 1: I worked with Raj in London, and then when I

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Speaker 1: moved to New York, I worked with Paul for the

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Speaker 1: last five years. And Paul and me have been to

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Speaker 1: see comedy shows together. We've been to see funny movies together.

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Speaker 1: I think we have a similar sense of humor. He's

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Speaker 1: nodding along, so I think I think he's agreeing. But

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Speaker 1: at the same time, me and Raley have the same

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Speaker 1: sense of humor, although there are some limits. I remember

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Speaker 1: taking to watch a movie that she found extremely offensive

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Speaker 1: and I found extremely hilarious and could appreciate and there

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Speaker 1: is a limit to that kind of humor. Maybe it's

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Speaker 1: a bit more bro humor, a bit more dued humor,

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Speaker 1: and rather definite does not appreciate that. So again, this

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Speaker 1: is not saying that you have to laugh at the

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Speaker 1: same things all the time or agree on everything all

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Speaker 1: the time, but that you have a similar sense of humor. Stress, anxiety, overwhelm, burnout.

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Speaker 1: What do all of these have in common a lack

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Speaker 1: of perceived control over your time, thoughts, and tasks. But

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Speaker 1: what if I told you fixing all of these problems

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Speaker 1: is as simple as fixing your mindset towards them. I know,

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Speaker 1: not simple at all. Everyone's busy, everyone's stress, but we

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Speaker 1: could all use more car in our lives, and learning

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Speaker 1: to stay grounded and grateful is truly a daily practice.

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Speaker 1: That's why I've partnered with Calm dot com to bring

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Speaker 1: you the Daily J. If you've ever wanted to meditate

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Speaker 1: with me and take back control over your busy mind,

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Speaker 1: join me on the car map for the Daily J,

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Speaker 1: a daily guided meditation where I'll help you find calm

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Speaker 1: in the chaos, plant beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant

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Speaker 1: life and simple steps for positive actions to get you

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Speaker 1: closer to the life of your dreams. Meditate with Me

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Speaker 1: by going to Calm dot com forward slash Jay to

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00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:38,080
Speaker 1: get forty percent off a Calm Premium membership that's only

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Speaker 1: forty two dollars for the whole year for daily guided meditations.

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Speaker 1: Experience the Daily j only on Calm. The next scientifically

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Speaker 1: proven way to know you're falling in love is that

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Speaker 1: you feel like you'll be honest with someone, like there's

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Speaker 1: no more secret keeping. And it says that intimacy is

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Speaker 1: the biggest factor that sets love of apart from the

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Speaker 1: attraction you feel in the early days of dating, says

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Speaker 1: Marissa T. Cohen, PhD, co founder of The Relationship Lab,

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Speaker 1: and she says that intimacy involves self disclosure. So if

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Speaker 1: you feel like you can share your secrets with someone,

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Speaker 1: if you feel like you can be honest with someone,

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Speaker 1: if you feel like you can be transparent with someone,

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Speaker 1: chances are that there's a sign that there's love. Now.

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Speaker 1: This isn't about are you transparent, are you an open book?

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Speaker 1: This is do you feel like you can actually share

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Speaker 1: something with them? And the reason why we don't share

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Speaker 1: things with other people is because we're scared they're going

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Speaker 1: to be used against us. This was a conversation that

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Speaker 1: happened with someone else on the street yesterday. They were

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Speaker 1: saying that they feel that when they open up to others,

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Speaker 1: what they share will one day be used against them,

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Speaker 1: And I thought, how sad is that? Like, how heartbreaking

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Speaker 1: is that that people in this world are experiencing their

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Speaker 1: intimacy turn into a weapon. Imagine your secrets are being

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Speaker 1: turned into weapons. Your emotional outpouring is being turned into

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Speaker 1: a weapon against you. When you're putting down your shield,

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Speaker 1: someone's using that as a weapon. That's really difficult. That's

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Speaker 1: a really challenging place to be. Now you may say, well, Jay,

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Speaker 1: how do you know? How do you know? Sometimes you

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Speaker 1: feel like you want to be open and honest with someone,

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Speaker 1: Sometimes you want to open your heart to someone. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: you do trust them, but you never know if they're

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Speaker 1: going to use it as a weapon. That's where you

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Speaker 1: want to weigh. Just because you feel like telling someone

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Speaker 1: the truth doesn't mean you're in love. What true love

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Speaker 1: is when you share your truth, that person honors that truth.

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Speaker 1: They don't use it against you in a fight, they

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Speaker 1: don't manipulate you with it, they don't use it as

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Speaker 1: a form of control or a method of bargaining or negotiating.

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Speaker 1: It's it's used to support you, it's used to help you.

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Speaker 1: It's used to propel you forward and uplift you. And

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Speaker 1: so you don't feel like you need to keep secrets.

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Speaker 1: But really, how they respond to that secret is the

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Speaker 1: sign of love or not. You may be in love

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Speaker 1: because you want to share it, but whether they're in

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Speaker 1: love with you or not is based on how they respond.

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Speaker 1: I often say to people that sometimes when you start

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Speaker 1: dating and someone tells you something really open and honest,

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Speaker 1: like maybe they open up to you and they say, hey,

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Speaker 1: I have a porn addiction, or maybe they open up

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Speaker 1: to you and say, hey, I used to be an alcoholic,

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Speaker 1: or maybe they open up to you and say I'm

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Speaker 1: really struggling with X, Y Z or z as. I

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Speaker 1: would say, a lot of the times that can be

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Speaker 1: quite alarming, and we can be quite taken aback and

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Speaker 1: caught off God because we didn't want to know that

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Speaker 1: about them. We almost don't want it to be true,

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Speaker 1: and so we actually retaliate, We actually reflect poorly on

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Speaker 1: them because we're like, well, I didn't want to know

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Speaker 1: that about you, so you can't be that. I don't

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Speaker 1: want you to be that, and we're actually upset by it.

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Speaker 1: But actually the fact that they've disclosed that with you

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Speaker 1: is an incredible sign of openness, is an incredible sign

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Speaker 1: of genuineness. Now, I'm not saying you have to stay

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Speaker 1: with that person, or you have to respect the challenge

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Speaker 1: that they have or help them through it. But don't

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Speaker 1: write someone off because they are honest with you. Don't

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Speaker 1: write someone off because they're honest with you and you

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Speaker 1: don't like their honesty. Because I think a lot of

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Speaker 1: us are like I wish I was with someone honest,

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Speaker 1: I wish I was with someone transparent, But then when

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Speaker 1: someone is honest or transparent, we're uncomfortable with their honesty

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Speaker 1: and transparency. So if someone is honest and transparent with you,

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Speaker 1: even if you're not comfortable with it, thank them and

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Speaker 1: acknowledge them for doing that, because if you react poorly,

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Speaker 1: they're then going to be scared to share that with

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Speaker 1: someone else. So if you react badly to their honesty,

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Speaker 1: they may never feel comfortable to be honest with someone

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Speaker 1: else because they'll think every time they're honest with someone,

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Speaker 1: they scare someone away. That's one of The first reasons

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Speaker 1: why we all stop blocking ourselves and boundarying up ourselves

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Speaker 1: from actually telling people how we truly feel is because

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Speaker 1: they're scared going to scare them away, so being honest

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Speaker 1: and transparent, all right. The next scientifically proven way to

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Speaker 1: know you're falling in love is when you're making plans,

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Speaker 1: you think about your partner, you include them. When instead

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Speaker 1: of saying I think this, you start saying we believe,

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Speaker 1: or we think or we started doing this right, You're

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Speaker 1: not just thinking about what you want and what you

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Speaker 1: need to do. You're thinking about what you both need.

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Speaker 1: And I remember feeling this way. Would rather when I

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Speaker 1: started to recognize that I wasn't an eye anymore. I

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Speaker 1: was a WE, I wasn't me, I was an US,

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Speaker 1: And I started to recognize that my decisions affected both

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Speaker 1: of us. And when I realized that my decisions now

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Speaker 1: affected both of us, they didn't change my decisions, but

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Speaker 1: they changed how I communicated with them. And I think

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Speaker 1: that's where people go wrong. People think that when you

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Speaker 1: become a we or an US instead of an I

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Speaker 1: and a me, you now have to change your decision.

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Speaker 1: I would say, I didn't change my decisions, but I

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Speaker 1: changed how I communicated and directed those decisions. So if

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Speaker 1: I got a work trip or I had to travel,

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Speaker 1: it's not that I was going to say no to

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Speaker 1: that trip. I would make rather aware in advance that Hey,

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Speaker 1: I've got this opportunity. This is why I really want

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Speaker 1: to take it. I think it would be really great

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Speaker 1: for us if I go and do this right. And

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Speaker 1: I want you to know so that you can plan

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Speaker 1: something or do whatever you want that weekend when I'll

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Speaker 1: be traveling for work. So notice how you're not just saying, Okay,

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Speaker 1: this is right for me, so I'm going to do it,

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Speaker 1: or oh, my wife's going to be upset with me

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Speaker 1: if I'm there, so I'm going to cancel it. It's

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Speaker 1: not I'm going to communicate why I think this is

431
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,919
Speaker 1: good for us, why it's helpful to us. Maybe we

432
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,120
Speaker 1: want to invest a bit more in this area this year,

433
00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:46,200
Speaker 1: Maybe we want to travel this year a bit more,

434
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:47,199
Speaker 1: and I need to go and do a bit of

435
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:50,639
Speaker 1: extra work for that. Whatever it may be. Right. So

436
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:55,600
Speaker 1: you include your partner when you're making decisions, and you

437
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,240
Speaker 1: will have that conversation with them. Again, it's not stopping

438
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:02,760
Speaker 1: yourself from in the decision that you want, it's actually

439
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:06,919
Speaker 1: including them as part of that conversation. The next scientifically

440
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:11,440
Speaker 1: proven way to know you're falling in love is you

441
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:15,760
Speaker 1: are now no longer looking for that flirty validation from

442
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:22,200
Speaker 1: someone else. Right, It's so easy to keep fishing for compliments,

443
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,760
Speaker 1: to keep fishing for people to be attracted to you

444
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:29,200
Speaker 1: for keep fishing for that validation, and a lot of

445
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,200
Speaker 1: us enjoy it. A lot of us enjoyed that. We

446
00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:37,600
Speaker 1: enjoyed the casual flirt we enjoy the attraction of other people. Now,

447
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:39,639
Speaker 1: I'm not saying you don't feel appreciate it when someone says, hey,

448
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,320
Speaker 1: you look good today, or that looks good on you.

449
00:24:41,359 --> 00:24:43,400
Speaker 1: That's awesome. Right, well, that's great. I'm not I'm not

450
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,320
Speaker 1: criticizing that. I'm just saying that you're no longer now

451
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:50,040
Speaker 1: trying to impress people. You're no longer trying to get

452
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:52,800
Speaker 1: them to say those things. Whereas when you start dating someone,

453
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:55,600
Speaker 1: you want to impress them, Right, that's normal. But now

454
00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:59,080
Speaker 1: you're not trying to use that same place in other

455
00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:02,119
Speaker 1: places because you've feel a sense of validation from the

456
00:25:02,119 --> 00:25:06,520
Speaker 1: person you're with. Evidence from fMRIs shows that when people

457
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,640
Speaker 1: who are in love see a photo of their lover,

458
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:12,840
Speaker 1: the parts of the brain associated with reward and motivation

459
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:16,439
Speaker 1: light up. According to the research published in the Journal

460
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:19,840
Speaker 1: of Comparative Neurology, that's a separate part of the brain

461
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:24,320
Speaker 1: from what's associated with sex drive. The findings led researchers

462
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,760
Speaker 1: to the conclusion that when someone is in love, their

463
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:31,640
Speaker 1: brain is programmed to focus solely on that person and

464
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:35,520
Speaker 1: to put other potential lovers on hold. So just think

465
00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:38,639
Speaker 1: about that for a second. Right, the part that's associated

466
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:41,960
Speaker 1: with sex drive, that's that casual flirt, that's that impressing people,

467
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,359
Speaker 1: That's that validation that you may feel consistently. But love

468
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,200
Speaker 1: is when you're like, well, I don't want to feel

469
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:49,879
Speaker 1: that with someone else anymore. And I may feel that

470
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:53,120
Speaker 1: with someone else as well. Today I may feel attraction,

471
00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:55,320
Speaker 1: I may feel lost, but I don't want to feel

472
00:25:55,359 --> 00:25:57,280
Speaker 1: that with them. I may feel it, but I don't

473
00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:59,840
Speaker 1: want to I'm not choosing to feel that with this person.

474
00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:03,480
Speaker 1: I'm not choosing to act on it. Right, The last

475
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,520
Speaker 1: one I want to share with you is ultimately the

476
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:11,800
Speaker 1: biggest one. There's a feeling of aligned values. There's a

477
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:15,800
Speaker 1: feeling of aligned values. Now, this doesn't mean that you

478
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:18,879
Speaker 1: have the same values. It doesn't mean that you agree

479
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:22,440
Speaker 1: on each other's values, means that you respect each other's values.

480
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:24,040
Speaker 1: I think we've wasted a lot of time trying to

481
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:25,679
Speaker 1: say I have to have the same values as the

482
00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:29,800
Speaker 1: person I'm with. Obviously that's amazing, but that's rare you

483
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,640
Speaker 1: can have aligned values. So a lot of people break

484
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:34,440
Speaker 1: up because they say we don't want the same things

485
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:39,119
Speaker 1: or we're not the same people. And actually you're going

486
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,760
Speaker 1: to be struggling really hard to find someone who's the same.

487
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,159
Speaker 1: Chances are you're more likely to date someone who's very

488
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:45,800
Speaker 1: different to you than you are someone who's the same

489
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:48,919
Speaker 1: as you. And the thing you're really looking for is

490
00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:52,920
Speaker 1: do I like these differences enough to understand and grow

491
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,919
Speaker 1: with this person? Or do I not like these differences.

492
00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,239
Speaker 1: It's not about are we more similar or are we

493
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:02,800
Speaker 1: more dissimilar? I like the differences. We have things in common?

494
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:04,760
Speaker 1: And do I like the things in common? And do

495
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:07,680
Speaker 1: I like the things that are different? Rather than going okay, no,

496
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:09,520
Speaker 1: if we have things in common, then we're for each other,

497
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:11,120
Speaker 1: and if we don't, then we're not for each other,

498
00:27:11,359 --> 00:27:13,480
Speaker 1: it's no do I like the things we have in common?

499
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:16,399
Speaker 1: And can I approach the things we don't have in

500
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:19,520
Speaker 1: common in an effective and healthy way. So these are

501
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:23,160
Speaker 1: the seven scientifically proven ways to know you're falling in love.

502
00:27:23,359 --> 00:27:25,240
Speaker 1: I hope you test them with your partners. I hope

503
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,240
Speaker 1: you test them with someone you're dating. And I hope

504
00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:30,120
Speaker 1: you think about also when you were wrong about love,

505
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:32,679
Speaker 1: or when you didn't find love, or maybe when you

506
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:34,320
Speaker 1: said it or someone said it and it didn't turn

507
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:36,879
Speaker 1: out to be that way, which was a sign that

508
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:41,160
Speaker 1: you were missing. Thank you so much for joining me today.

509
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:43,280
Speaker 1: I hope you'll pass this on someone who may need

510
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:46,680
Speaker 1: it on. Thank you for listening today, and just try

511
00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:49,240
Speaker 1: and apply one of the principles from today. That's all,

512
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:52,080
Speaker 1: just one, and watch how your life changes. I just

513
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:57,359
Speaker 1: want to read a few reviews. This is from Brianna P. Hello, J.

514
00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:59,840
Speaker 1: I absolutely love listening to you and the way you

515
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:03,480
Speaker 1: communicate to us listeners and those whom you have relationships

516
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:06,159
Speaker 1: with that are interviewed. I wanted to start listen to

517
00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:09,400
Speaker 1: podcasts and I've always struggled with mental health. I saw

518
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,720
Speaker 1: the last bit of you on the Ellen Show recently,

519
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:14,439
Speaker 1: which is where I heard of this podcast, so I

520
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,080
Speaker 1: started with listening to you while I have my other

521
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:21,280
Speaker 1: self healing remedies. Your podcast is so inspirational and I've

522
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:24,440
Speaker 1: made a daily ritual because listening to you has positively

523
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:27,560
Speaker 1: impacted me so much. I'm so grateful that I get

524
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:30,000
Speaker 1: to have the opportunity to listen to all you have

525
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,720
Speaker 1: to say. You truly make an impact on people in

526
00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:35,320
Speaker 1: the world. I love the interview you had with Lily

527
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:38,080
Speaker 1: Singh and can't wait to start reading Be a Triangle

528
00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:40,680
Speaker 1: just got it a target once again. Thank you for

529
00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:44,920
Speaker 1: being part of my support system. Brianna P Brianna, thank

530
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,200
Speaker 1: you for that wonderful review, and I just want to

531
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:49,880
Speaker 1: give a big shout out. We're now over eighteen thousand reviews.

532
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:52,800
Speaker 1: Our goal for twenty twenty two is twenty thousand reviews,

533
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:55,000
Speaker 1: so we've got two thousand to go. Keep them coming.

534
00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:57,800
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to on Purpose. I'll see you soon.

535
00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:06,160
Speaker 1: Did did did