WEBVTT - Should White People Adopt Black Children 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:02.480 Hey, fam, I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.480 --> 0:00:05.840 Red Table Pop podcast all your favorite episodes from the 0:00:05.880 --> 0:00:10.000 Facebook Watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and 0:00:10.119 --> 0:00:13.120 I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review 0:00:13.400 --> 0:00:17.000 on Apple podcasts on this Red Table Talk. Sometimes we 0:00:17.079 --> 0:00:19.599 see white people who adopting black children is trying to 0:00:19.640 --> 0:00:22.640 be white saviors, and I get why there's not trust. 0:00:23.040 --> 0:00:26.800 Why would your community trust my community with the babies. 0:00:27.360 --> 0:00:30.800 We're breaking down a controversial topic, should white people adopt 0:00:30.800 --> 0:00:35.240 black children? I don't know how every person of color 0:00:35.400 --> 0:00:40.400 has gotten through this. I don't understand. Best known for 0:00:40.400 --> 0:00:43.120 her role as Charlotte on Sex in the City, Kristin 0:00:43.240 --> 0:00:47.000 Davis is a single mom raising two adopted black children. 0:00:47.640 --> 0:00:50.040 So this is gonna be interesting today because I have 0:00:50.120 --> 0:00:54.840 to admit that, you know, I have certain feelings about 0:00:54.920 --> 0:00:57.960 this whole interracial adoption because I think it's really really 0:00:58.040 --> 0:01:03.400 hard raising black children today. Yeah, because it's so sensitive, 0:01:04.280 --> 0:01:06.920 But I think we also have a lot of misunderstandings 0:01:06.959 --> 0:01:09.840 about it. But I'm so glad that Kristen is here 0:01:09.880 --> 0:01:12.240 with us today to just want to share about Yeah, 0:01:12.360 --> 0:01:16.120 they're just cleaning up some of the misunderstandings that we 0:01:16.200 --> 0:01:19.800 have and just to educate us about the process and um, 0:01:19.840 --> 0:01:22.920 what her experiences have been. So I do know love 0:01:23.040 --> 0:01:25.160 is not enough. But here's the one thing I do know. 0:01:25.360 --> 0:01:28.000 We we know this in our own family, right. It's 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:30.480 not that Black families don't adopt, because we do adopt. 0:01:30.800 --> 0:01:34.320 It's that we don't go through the legal system. We've 0:01:34.360 --> 0:01:37.479 have family members that have had to raise grandchildren five 0:01:37.520 --> 0:01:41.199 at a time. You know, I've taken on right kids. 0:01:41.240 --> 0:01:44.120 I could have taken on more and people that you 0:01:44.160 --> 0:01:46.720 were brought into your home and raised, but you haven't, 0:01:47.240 --> 0:01:50.920 like legally adopted. But that's what that's what people color do. 0:01:51.360 --> 0:01:54.760 We take other people's kids and raise them within our 0:01:54.800 --> 0:02:07.400 extended families, went through the system. Hello RTT family. Today 0:02:07.440 --> 0:02:14.799 we are talking about interracial adoption UM, specifically white families 0:02:14.960 --> 0:02:18.560 that adopt black children. And we have a very special 0:02:18.600 --> 0:02:24.800 guest here Today's Christian Days and she is going to 0:02:24.880 --> 0:02:30.359 talk to us about her journey with adopting her two 0:02:30.400 --> 0:02:34.480 beautiful black children. Thank you so much for being thank 0:02:34.480 --> 0:02:38.079 you for having me. Yeah, this has been a topic, UM, 0:02:38.080 --> 0:02:42.040 really a topic that I've had a lot of questions 0:02:42.120 --> 0:02:47.320 about for me. Yeah, forgave me, and I understand it's 0:02:47.320 --> 0:02:50.320 a hot button. It's something that people have really strong, 0:02:50.520 --> 0:02:53.560 strong feelings about. And obviously I have strong feelings because 0:02:53.600 --> 0:02:55.600 I love my children so much and they've been such 0:02:55.639 --> 0:02:59.240 a gift to me. But because my children are African American, 0:02:59.360 --> 0:03:01.720 I feel like it is my duty and my job 0:03:02.080 --> 0:03:05.160 to do as much research, as much work, built as 0:03:05.200 --> 0:03:08.600 many bridges as possible, because you are their community, and 0:03:08.720 --> 0:03:11.200 that is key, and that is so important. So I 0:03:11.280 --> 0:03:14.080 work at that every day, trying to figure out how 0:03:14.720 --> 0:03:18.440 I can make sure they have access to the black community, 0:03:18.480 --> 0:03:21.440 that they're part of it, that they're not separated from it, 0:03:21.520 --> 0:03:23.280 because we don't want to make it so that they 0:03:23.320 --> 0:03:26.000 don't fit into the black community and they don't fit 0:03:26.080 --> 0:03:30.880 into the white community. Sometimes we see white people who 0:03:30.880 --> 0:03:34.240 adopting black children is trying to be white saviors. You know, 0:03:34.480 --> 0:03:37.960 I do feel like the white savior thing is a 0:03:38.000 --> 0:03:41.640 problem and it's real. So I don't want to say, 0:03:41.760 --> 0:03:46.320 you know that that's just a myth um. It's not 0:03:46.400 --> 0:03:48.680 really what I come across so much. You know, I 0:03:48.760 --> 0:03:53.040 do think too, it's it's tough because are you saying 0:03:53.040 --> 0:03:56.360 then okay, well, don't try to do anything good because 0:03:56.360 --> 0:03:59.040 your skin is white, because that's not going to work out. 0:03:59.680 --> 0:04:04.520 We can't ever succeed without the black community embracing our children. 0:04:04.960 --> 0:04:07.800 You don't have to embrace me. It's okay, I'll be okay, 0:04:07.960 --> 0:04:10.200 my feelings will be okay, you know what I mean. 0:04:10.760 --> 0:04:14.600 But I want my children to be able, you know, 0:04:14.840 --> 0:04:17.159 to come to you, and I don't want them to 0:04:17.200 --> 0:04:19.839 be excluded just because I'm their mother. We definitely have 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:22.320 work in that area, you know, we we just have. 0:04:22.760 --> 0:04:25.480 It's just a historical thing. It's just, you know. And 0:04:25.560 --> 0:04:29.800 so look, I get why there's not trust. I get it. 0:04:29.880 --> 0:04:32.760 I get it deep in my bones why there's not trust. 0:04:33.320 --> 0:04:37.440 And why would your community trust my community with its babies. 0:04:37.920 --> 0:04:44.440 I understand that I wouldn't either. What made you decide 0:04:44.480 --> 0:04:49.240 to adopt? But I had already thought about it, and 0:04:49.279 --> 0:04:51.279 I don't know why, and I don't know how, but 0:04:51.360 --> 0:04:54.159 it had seemed like an option for me for a 0:04:54.320 --> 0:04:58.040 very long time. I had friends who had adopted and 0:04:58.279 --> 0:05:00.560 wanted to adopt, and so I was kind of hearing 0:05:00.600 --> 0:05:03.039 about it, learning about it and realizing that it is 0:05:03.120 --> 0:05:06.440 quite complex, and as it happens with many of us, 0:05:06.800 --> 0:05:09.760 the time was ticking, and I wasn't really thinking about it. 0:05:09.800 --> 0:05:13.479 I was working, and so when it was really it started, 0:05:13.480 --> 0:05:16.680 i'd say thirty eight, which is, you know, a little late, 0:05:17.120 --> 0:05:20.919 but I really was like, wow, I feel I feel 0:05:20.960 --> 0:05:24.440 deeply that I need to be a mother. I feel 0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:26.760 like I will feel incomplete if I don't have that 0:05:26.839 --> 0:05:29.960 experience right. One of my big issues was could I 0:05:30.000 --> 0:05:32.560 do it by myself? Because once I realized that I 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:36.520 wasn't in a relationship that was necessarily that type of 0:05:36.560 --> 0:05:39.960 relationship or the relationship couldn't take that, I thought, gosh, 0:05:40.000 --> 0:05:42.920 I'm really scared. But I still felt like there was 0:05:42.960 --> 0:05:45.760 a child out there that I needed to find that 0:05:46.040 --> 0:05:49.760 was my child. I can't explain it. It was a 0:05:49.839 --> 0:05:53.120 spiritual kind of thing. And I think that what happens 0:05:53.200 --> 0:05:56.480 is by the time you get on the road to adoption, 0:05:56.760 --> 0:05:59.000 it is a long road. It's not an easy road. 0:05:59.400 --> 0:06:02.120 The biggest conception is that there's some kind of like 0:06:02.560 --> 0:06:06.760 I like a black child, like that handbag over there. 0:06:07.279 --> 0:06:10.960 It's very, very very far from that um in terms 0:06:10.960 --> 0:06:13.719 of the process, in terms of what you go through 0:06:14.080 --> 0:06:17.560 for that to happen. So this is an example of 0:06:17.720 --> 0:06:22.640 a questionnaire that adopting parents have to answer to actually 0:06:22.720 --> 0:06:27.559 qualify to adopt. And it's pretty I mean pretty in depth. 0:06:27.720 --> 0:06:30.680 It isn't depth. I think people assume that you know, 0:06:31.360 --> 0:06:34.040 you choose a child. You like, when I look at 0:06:34.080 --> 0:06:38.880 this this document and you know the kinds of questions 0:06:38.920 --> 0:06:42.799 that it asks you, like would you be willing to 0:06:42.839 --> 0:06:47.200 adopt a trial that might have significant physical disabilities or 0:06:47.240 --> 0:06:50.760 mild mental health or a child who might have had 0:06:50.800 --> 0:06:53.919 a parent that was addicted to cocaine? And like it 0:06:54.120 --> 0:06:58.360 really is like a self exploration of who you are, 0:06:58.440 --> 0:07:02.440 because really it's deep because you think, hey, listen, I'll 0:07:02.640 --> 0:07:05.760 love any child, right, and then it has here all 0:07:05.839 --> 0:07:11.680 the different ethnicities everything, everything that's right, right, that's right. 0:07:11.760 --> 0:07:15.840 So when you decided to adopt, did you say you 0:07:15.880 --> 0:07:18.560 wanted to adopt African American children? Or did you just 0:07:18.600 --> 0:07:20.680 say I would take any child that needs love? That 0:07:20.920 --> 0:07:23.480 was a little a little thrown off by that paper, right? 0:07:24.160 --> 0:07:27.720 I felt like if you don't mark those boxes, like 0:07:27.720 --> 0:07:31.200 like why would I exclude Like if the if the 0:07:31.320 --> 0:07:33.200 right child is going to come to me, why would 0:07:33.200 --> 0:07:35.480 I say no to this or no to that or 0:07:35.520 --> 0:07:38.200 no to this? God Like, it just seems strange to me. 0:07:38.280 --> 0:07:44.440 It seemed to be saying no, no, no, no, no, 0:07:44.560 --> 0:07:47.559 got it. Do you know That's that's what it seemed 0:07:47.560 --> 0:07:49.800 to me at the time, got it? That's my thing. 0:07:49.840 --> 0:07:52.320 That's kind of my fear. I felt like people are 0:07:52.360 --> 0:07:56.800 so anxious and so desperate wanting a child right that 0:07:56.880 --> 0:08:02.120 they'll say anything right, and they don't really understand right, um, 0:08:02.120 --> 0:08:05.440 everything that would be involved, Like yeah, let me just say, 0:08:05.440 --> 0:08:08.520 oh yeah, I'll take that. But I of course understand 0:08:08.560 --> 0:08:11.560 what you're saying. It's it's a long and involved road. 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:13.440 And I think even just to get on that road, 0:08:13.480 --> 0:08:15.960 you've already done a lot of soul searching. And then 0:08:16.000 --> 0:08:18.360 when they do show you that paper, you are like, whoa, 0:08:19.520 --> 0:08:23.960 oh did you have to go through like an interview process? 0:08:24.000 --> 0:08:26.960 You have a homesteady process, so social worker comes to 0:08:27.000 --> 0:08:29.760 your house and interviews you at length for days and 0:08:29.840 --> 0:08:33.160 days and days. I was super nervous about that the 0:08:33.160 --> 0:08:35.480 first time. I was like cleaning and scrubbing, and you know, 0:08:35.520 --> 0:08:37.280 you're just very scared, like they're gonna judge you on 0:08:37.320 --> 0:08:39.600 the cleanliness of your house, which is not what they're judging, 0:08:39.640 --> 0:08:42.640 of course, but they want to ask you have you 0:08:42.720 --> 0:08:45.600 thought about if you adopt an African American child, How 0:08:45.640 --> 0:08:48.600 will you include that child's culture in your lives? What 0:08:48.760 --> 0:08:51.720 will you do? And you're like, oh my gosh, I 0:08:51.720 --> 0:08:54.280 gotta think about this. And then they'll say, well, what 0:08:54.320 --> 0:08:56.160 if it was an Asian child, what would you do? 0:08:56.200 --> 0:08:59.480 Because I hadn't marked, you know, I had not you know, yeah, 0:08:59.800 --> 0:09:02.080 I was like, the child would come to me that 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:05.400 I'm supposed to have. So the social workers during your 0:09:05.440 --> 0:09:07.920 home study, which is about like do you own any 0:09:08.000 --> 0:09:11.040 dangerous animals? You know? Blah blah blah, all of those things. 0:09:11.080 --> 0:09:13.120 You have a pool, you know, and then also asking 0:09:13.120 --> 0:09:15.320 you a lot of questions, asking you all about your 0:09:15.480 --> 0:09:18.280 parents and how you were raised, making you sign something 0:09:18.320 --> 0:09:25.439 that you will never use physical punishment. Wow. Yes, Maybe 0:09:25.480 --> 0:09:27.800 they might say to you, we don't think that you're 0:09:27.840 --> 0:09:30.800 suited to be adopting a black child. They might say 0:09:30.840 --> 0:09:33.600 that you know a good lawyer, would I think? Or 0:09:33.679 --> 0:09:36.760 maybe your social worker might write down on the paper 0:09:37.200 --> 0:09:40.880 this person has no plans to include the culture. I 0:09:40.920 --> 0:09:44.800 don't think she should adopt a black child or a 0:09:44.920 --> 0:09:48.199 Latino child. That could happen for sure. So then your 0:09:48.240 --> 0:09:51.319 agency says, okay, now you need to do your education piece. 0:09:51.520 --> 0:09:54.880 You need x hours, I feel like it's sixty or fifty, 0:09:55.000 --> 0:09:58.000 and you get a list of all these online courses 0:09:58.040 --> 0:10:01.040 that you can take. So when you signed up for 0:10:01.080 --> 0:10:03.839 the course to raise an African American Child, what did 0:10:03.920 --> 0:10:05.920 that course look like like? What was some of the 0:10:06.000 --> 0:10:09.040 information the course gave you? There were a lot of courses. 0:10:09.480 --> 0:10:15.120 One was just about hair. Yes, yes, because people panic, 0:10:15.360 --> 0:10:25.240 people panic lessons. Okay. I was like, you know, it's 0:10:25.280 --> 0:10:30.199 a big thing. I still learning. I'm still learning, okay 0:10:30.960 --> 0:10:34.480 to learn, I'm hit it. Well, what I learned is 0:10:34.559 --> 0:10:36.920 that it's a big thing and it has a whole 0:10:36.960 --> 0:10:41.840 long cultural history to it, and you absolutely need to 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:45.400 learn because it's a bonding situation and you can't just 0:10:45.520 --> 0:10:49.480 like send her off somewhere, him off, you know, to 0:10:49.840 --> 0:10:52.959 have his hair twisted, breaded or whatever that you need 0:10:53.000 --> 0:10:56.520 to just like you would your own child to birth, 0:10:56.600 --> 0:10:59.160 to learn what is best for their skin, in their hair, 0:10:59.440 --> 0:11:07.480 and that if you don't, you will be judged harshly basically. Okay, 0:11:07.960 --> 0:11:12.000 So what happened now? Did I come about that your 0:11:12.120 --> 0:11:16.160 daughter became the child that was available for adoptions? We weren't. 0:11:16.320 --> 0:11:18.400 I was chosen. I say we because I think of 0:11:18.440 --> 0:11:20.720 me and her being together. Of course I was chosen 0:11:20.760 --> 0:11:23.520 by her birth mom. You know they have choice, Yeah, 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:28.439 they have no Okay, Okay, her more birth mother chose you. 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:35.600 The birth mothers picked the adoptive parents. Wow, Okay, let 0:11:35.600 --> 0:11:37.640 me say this before we continue. I also want to 0:11:37.640 --> 0:11:40.839 acknowledge the birth mothers, who I feel do not get 0:11:40.880 --> 0:11:45.520 acknowledged enough, because no birth mother does this for like 0:11:45.720 --> 0:11:50.079 a casual reason. It comes from a tragedy or or 0:11:50.120 --> 0:11:54.040 a situation that is a negative situation, and it is 0:11:54.080 --> 0:11:58.439 a sacrifice of gargantuan level that they make have now 0:11:58.600 --> 0:12:01.760 met through the course of my process, many birth mombs 0:12:02.200 --> 0:12:06.040 and different situations led them depict from different perspectives, like 0:12:06.080 --> 0:12:10.040 somewhere just worried about safety. So we're just worried about 0:12:10.080 --> 0:12:13.120 having a really strong father figure because they hadn't had 0:12:13.160 --> 0:12:16.760 when kind of trying to fulfill different you know, different elements. 0:12:17.440 --> 0:12:21.640 It is difficult. But I never ever want to say 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:25.400 that people shouldn't adopt. I just want to say, you 0:12:25.440 --> 0:12:30.199 need to be always digging into what's hard. How has 0:12:30.720 --> 0:12:35.439 raising black children made you more aware of white privilege? 0:12:36.920 --> 0:12:39.160 This is what I want to say from a white 0:12:39.200 --> 0:12:45.840 person adopting you absolutely do not fully understand. There's no doubt. 0:12:46.480 --> 0:12:49.840 There's no doubt. There's no way you could because you 0:12:49.880 --> 0:12:52.040 could understand that you live in white privilege and that's 0:12:52.040 --> 0:12:54.840 the theory, and you could see things. But it's one 0:12:54.880 --> 0:12:58.880 thing to be watching it, you know, happening to other people, 0:12:59.400 --> 0:13:01.760 and it's enough other thing when it's your child and 0:13:01.800 --> 0:13:04.360 you haven't personally been through it. It is it's a 0:13:04.480 --> 0:13:06.680 it's a big issue. It's something that I think about 0:13:06.679 --> 0:13:09.720 every day and every night. That is very interesting, okay, 0:13:09.760 --> 0:13:14.440 because it's when you're looking at situations, specifically racism happening 0:13:14.520 --> 0:13:17.520 on the outside. But then now you have this child 0:13:18.240 --> 0:13:22.240 who was your ole, she's your treasure, and now you 0:13:22.400 --> 0:13:29.559 have to confront prejudices, biases, racism in a hole different way. 0:13:29.840 --> 0:13:33.880 What have you experienced? Well, it was terrified, right, you know, 0:13:33.960 --> 0:13:38.280 I'm still having it. It's hard to it's it's hard 0:13:38.320 --> 0:13:42.760 to put into words, really. I mean, there's been so many, 0:13:42.840 --> 0:13:47.160 so many things over the years. Jem seven now. But 0:13:47.840 --> 0:13:49.880 the first couple of things that happened when she was 0:13:49.920 --> 0:13:51.839 a baby and I'd be holding her in my arms, 0:13:51.920 --> 0:13:56.040 people would say to me, won't she be a great 0:13:56.080 --> 0:14:02.080 basketball player? Wow? And I would just have to be like, right, 0:14:03.480 --> 0:14:08.240 this is a baby. Wow, how could you say that 0:14:08.720 --> 0:14:14.439 without just being mortified? Mortified? Oh, that was when it began. 0:14:15.040 --> 0:14:16.559 And I would just you know, I'd be holding the 0:14:16.600 --> 0:14:19.200 baby and I'd be trying to be polite, but I'd 0:14:19.200 --> 0:14:25.040 just be like, this is really deep and bad and 0:14:25.080 --> 0:14:28.400 how dare they limit my child? And how dare they 0:14:28.400 --> 0:14:30.760 make that assumption? And how dare they not even know? 0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:33.640 Like how could they just say it like that, like 0:14:33.720 --> 0:14:37.200 so casual? I was like, what have people been dealing with? 0:14:37.240 --> 0:14:40.960 This is just crazy? Like that was the beginning of 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:44.960 how I still feel basically it. So then I was like, 0:14:45.000 --> 0:14:48.040 oh God, please don't let this be everybody. But you know, 0:14:48.120 --> 0:14:52.920 as we know, our country is built on this. It 0:14:53.120 --> 0:14:57.520 is institutionalized, and that's what you really come to realize 0:14:57.920 --> 0:15:01.800 as time goes on. The next really big, you know, 0:15:02.360 --> 0:15:05.400 super turning point for me was we had been going 0:15:05.440 --> 0:15:08.920 to this group where Gemma was the only African American 0:15:09.000 --> 0:15:12.760 really fully dark black child, and there were swings, right, 0:15:12.840 --> 0:15:16.160 and there was you're supposed to wait your turn, right, 0:15:16.200 --> 0:15:18.560 And so I'd be with Gemma, and my Gemma is 0:15:18.600 --> 0:15:20.880 like the sweetest soul, right, and she'd be waiting. I'd 0:15:20.880 --> 0:15:23.120 be sitting with her. Time would be passing. These kids 0:15:23.120 --> 0:15:26.720 would be swinging. This one girl in particular would stop swinging. 0:15:26.720 --> 0:15:28.920 She would hold the swing. She would call to another 0:15:28.920 --> 0:15:31.720 white girl across the yard and say, I'm holding this 0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:34.800 wing for you. Gemma would just sit there so quietly, 0:15:34.800 --> 0:15:39.280 and I'd be like, I can't swear right, Like what 0:15:40.760 --> 0:15:45.400 I'd be like, hello, Like what my child is sitting here? People, 0:15:45.840 --> 0:15:48.160 Gemma sitting here, and she's sitting here so patiently, and 0:15:48.400 --> 0:15:51.880 she's following the rules so beautifully, yet she is still 0:15:51.880 --> 0:15:54.520 being excluded, like over and over and over by this 0:15:54.560 --> 0:15:58.600 particular group of girls who are white. And it's a problem. 0:15:58.800 --> 0:16:01.520 So finally I go in to the office. I'm just like, 0:16:02.680 --> 0:16:04.960 you know, Steve, and was coming out my head, I 0:16:05.000 --> 0:16:08.160 don't understand why you're not stepping in. And they said, well, 0:16:08.840 --> 0:16:11.920 you know, you don't know what those other girls are thinking. 0:16:12.720 --> 0:16:13.960 And I was like, yeah, I don't know, and I 0:16:13.960 --> 0:16:16.400 don't care. I don't care. What do I care about 0:16:16.440 --> 0:16:19.480 my child? You don't know what my child is thinking. 0:16:19.920 --> 0:16:22.760 My child is probably thinking it's because she looks different. 0:16:22.960 --> 0:16:28.240 Right then they said, you know, we just see them 0:16:28.280 --> 0:16:33.640 all the same. We don't see color here. Mmmmm, yeah, 0:16:34.440 --> 0:16:38.320 that's a classic one. It's such a classic thrown in 0:16:38.480 --> 0:16:42.200 my face, yeah, because I actually think that when people 0:16:42.240 --> 0:16:45.280 say that that they're being liberal. Yes, and that's the 0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:49.000 Actually it's such a harsh Yeah, it was a very harsh, 0:16:49.560 --> 0:16:55.240 harsh moment of understanding understanding. I don't know how every 0:16:55.280 --> 0:16:59.280 person of color has gotten through this. I don't understand 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:05.239 how you could take this every day every day, right 0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:09.399 because mind jo it happens um in situation that it 0:17:09.440 --> 0:17:13.159 doesn't have to be with a white parent, but just 0:17:13.280 --> 0:17:17.800 putting black children in those situations where they're in in 0:17:17.960 --> 0:17:21.080 all white environments, it's not Yeah, and that's what really, 0:17:21.080 --> 0:17:23.040 that's what it taught me. That that was the thing 0:17:23.080 --> 0:17:25.880 that it lit a fire under me where I couldn't 0:17:26.000 --> 0:17:30.560 like be relaxed or casual. But I will never be black, 0:17:30.600 --> 0:17:33.359 no matter how hard I tried, I will never be black. 0:17:33.720 --> 0:17:35.640 That is the truth and we have to accept it. 0:17:35.760 --> 0:17:38.240 And therefore I will never be able to say to Gemma, 0:17:38.960 --> 0:17:41.199 I understand how you feel, because this happened to me. 0:17:42.240 --> 0:17:46.040 That's what's painful and hard. It made me on a 0:17:46.080 --> 0:17:50.360 mission to find a place where she was exposed to everything. 0:17:50.520 --> 0:17:52.159 It made me on a mission to put her in 0:17:52.280 --> 0:17:55.160 situations where I was the only white person or maybe 0:17:55.160 --> 0:17:57.159 there was a white person. You know, she's with it 0:17:57.320 --> 0:17:59.720 like a close friend, Like she has really close girlfriends. 0:17:59.720 --> 0:18:03.920 And I amazing, amazing African American moms who have been 0:18:04.320 --> 0:18:08.000 I mean, like did they helped you? How? Those African 0:18:08.000 --> 0:18:10.959 American moms? I mean them, And I asked them stuff 0:18:11.119 --> 0:18:14.000 like what would you say in this situation or what 0:18:14.040 --> 0:18:17.159 would you do or what would you tell your child 0:18:17.320 --> 0:18:20.159 about this that's happening in the news, Like I just 0:18:20.200 --> 0:18:23.520 like to hear. Not everyone agrees, of course, everyone handles 0:18:23.560 --> 0:18:25.879 it differently, but like I just need to learn. I 0:18:25.960 --> 0:18:28.719 just need to learn because I can't trust all of 0:18:28.720 --> 0:18:31.080 my instincts because I want to protect no. I think 0:18:31.119 --> 0:18:35.040 that's great that you've put together a village of women 0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:37.640 that can actually be a lifeline for you, and they 0:18:37.680 --> 0:18:42.200 are so important. So I found a really fantastic inclusive school. 0:18:43.080 --> 0:18:48.080 So many cultures actual black kids, like you have to 0:18:48.200 --> 0:18:51.960 look hard in LA and you also need to find 0:18:52.000 --> 0:18:56.520 black teachers. That is so important. What are some of 0:18:56.520 --> 0:19:00.560 the questions that Jemma has asked you? Just looking at 0:19:00.600 --> 0:19:03.120 you and knowing that there's a huge difference in how 0:19:03.200 --> 0:19:05.760 you look and how she looks, like discussed from the 0:19:05.800 --> 0:19:09.760 get go. There were times when she was like like 0:19:09.800 --> 0:19:12.399 four or five and we'd go into a place and 0:19:12.480 --> 0:19:15.760 people would look and stare, and I don't know if 0:19:15.880 --> 0:19:18.360 she knows why they're staring or what she might think 0:19:18.440 --> 0:19:20.880 about why they're staring. So that was when I started 0:19:20.920 --> 0:19:25.560 to try to enter into you know, you're black and 0:19:25.560 --> 0:19:27.359 I'm white, and I mean look from the beginning, she'd 0:19:27.359 --> 0:19:30.159 be like, Mommy, my skin is dark. My skin is 0:19:30.160 --> 0:19:32.400 like chocolate and your skin is like vanilla. And I'd 0:19:32.400 --> 0:19:35.359 be like, yes, it is, and this is how people 0:19:35.400 --> 0:19:38.200 are born and melanine makes your skin dark. But also 0:19:38.359 --> 0:19:40.840 your past is that you have African American ancestors and 0:19:40.880 --> 0:19:42.920 they've been through so much. Like I try to make 0:19:42.920 --> 0:19:46.000 it positive where she's like to you, don't you start 0:19:46.000 --> 0:19:49.040 a baby? It's appropriate, right, But also at the same time, 0:19:49.080 --> 0:19:51.520 I have to prepare Gemma that the world is not 0:19:51.720 --> 0:19:54.080 fair and there are racists in the world, and it's 0:19:55.080 --> 0:19:57.879 just governenting to have to do that and know that 0:19:57.960 --> 0:20:02.680 you also adopted your it is also African American. How 0:20:02.720 --> 0:20:06.240 did that happen? What that happened. When Jim was five, 0:20:06.480 --> 0:20:09.199 she started asking for a brother. She said, my man, 0:20:09.280 --> 0:20:11.080 I could really love a black little brother. And I 0:20:11.080 --> 0:20:13.600 was like, I totally understand, baby. I said, you know what, 0:20:13.680 --> 0:20:15.760 I'll go talk to the people who helped me adopt you, 0:20:15.800 --> 0:20:17.560 and I'm going to see I I don't know, I 0:20:17.600 --> 0:20:20.399 don't know the state of things out there. I just 0:20:20.480 --> 0:20:22.840 told them that our hearts were open and our home 0:20:23.040 --> 0:20:26.120 was open, and if a baby needs us were here then. 0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:30.240 So then one day, there he was. And I tell you, 0:20:30.280 --> 0:20:32.359 my daughter didn't bad nye. She was like, there, he 0:20:32.480 --> 0:20:35.919 is so beautiful, and then she held him, then she 0:20:36.000 --> 0:20:38.720 fed him, and I mean she's just the best big sister. 0:20:39.480 --> 0:20:44.280 YEA say for me, I so worry for you. Yes, 0:20:44.600 --> 0:20:49.760 with trying to raise a black boy in America, I'm 0:20:49.800 --> 0:20:53.639 worried too. I mean, listen, every day, every day something 0:20:53.680 --> 0:20:56.560 new happens and I think about it. And I also 0:20:56.600 --> 0:20:58.959 have friends who have black sons, thank goodness, and I 0:20:59.040 --> 0:21:02.399 asked them so any questions. But he's still really young, right, 0:21:02.400 --> 0:21:05.760 He's still only a year, and so I guess you 0:21:05.800 --> 0:21:10.280 have time time every night, every night, I worry. I mean, 0:21:10.320 --> 0:21:12.840 I just but it comes up sooner than you think 0:21:14.000 --> 0:21:16.080 you have to be on the on the field right now. Yeah, 0:21:16.200 --> 0:21:18.320 you get you know. One of the things that I 0:21:18.320 --> 0:21:21.480 would ask you, because you raised since what did you 0:21:21.640 --> 0:21:24.040 say to them when they were little. I was telling 0:21:24.160 --> 0:21:30.920 Jaden when he was four or five six years old, 0:21:31.920 --> 0:21:35.439 no red, no blue. You're gonna know right now you 0:21:35.520 --> 0:21:38.240 live in l A. No red, no blue. And I 0:21:38.320 --> 0:21:41.520 was like, I've had too many incidents being in certain 0:21:41.600 --> 0:21:45.399 places with friends of mine who had on the wrong color. 0:21:46.680 --> 0:21:48.840 And we had to teach him early how to deal 0:21:48.880 --> 0:21:52.240 with being pulled over by the police. He and will 0:21:52.400 --> 0:21:54.720 tell me, tell me, tell me. Um. We started talking 0:21:54.760 --> 0:22:00.119 to our boys that young six six years old and 0:22:00.200 --> 0:22:04.840 even just um, being aware of your surroundings, you know, 0:22:05.000 --> 0:22:08.159 always be vigilant, you know, because things run up when 0:22:08.160 --> 0:22:12.000 you quick. And as they've gotten older, they've they've come 0:22:12.040 --> 0:22:16.240 across real world situations. Jade has run into situations with 0:22:16.320 --> 0:22:19.560 the police, has Willow. Willow has talked about being stopped 0:22:19.560 --> 0:22:22.560 by the police and being terrified. But just being where 0:22:22.600 --> 0:22:27.119 I was from, I like the fact that because of 0:22:27.160 --> 0:22:29.520 how I was raised and just the environments I was in, 0:22:29.880 --> 0:22:32.600 I was prepared and I just wanted my kids to 0:22:32.640 --> 0:22:34.320 be prepared. I just didn't want them to be caught 0:22:34.359 --> 0:22:37.879 up there. Yeah, trust me, it ain't easy, and we 0:22:38.000 --> 0:22:41.639 all do the best we can. And you know, I 0:22:41.760 --> 0:22:45.639 just love hearing just your passion and how um aware 0:22:45.880 --> 0:22:49.280 and sensitive. You know, you know what you know, and 0:22:49.320 --> 0:22:51.720 you're very open and talking about what you don't know. 0:22:51.960 --> 0:22:57.680 And that's constant to learn, sending you to learn and grow. 0:22:57.960 --> 0:23:01.520 And I have to. I don't want to miss something 0:23:01.640 --> 0:23:05.239 or I don't want to be um under the you know, 0:23:05.680 --> 0:23:09.200 crazy white privilege assumption that everything's going to be fine, 0:23:09.720 --> 0:23:12.040 because I can't make it fine. So we have to 0:23:12.080 --> 0:23:14.680 deal with reality and we have to compare them well. 0:23:14.720 --> 0:23:19.760 You know, I just want to say to you that, um, 0:23:19.880 --> 0:23:25.359 you know, I at one point had a very difficult time, 0:23:25.680 --> 0:23:29.919 you know, thinking of white families adopting black children. And 0:23:29.960 --> 0:23:33.440 I've gotten I've gotten an education over the years for 0:23:33.800 --> 0:23:36.119 many people that I know who have done it, and 0:23:36.400 --> 0:23:39.360 even sitting here with you today and getting even more 0:23:39.400 --> 0:23:42.199 of an education so much that we didn't understand or 0:23:42.320 --> 0:23:46.159 I definitely didn't understand that that process, right, you know, 0:23:46.600 --> 0:23:50.879 And you know, for me, one of the things that 0:23:50.920 --> 0:23:55.159 I had to discover about myself um and and some 0:23:55.320 --> 0:23:58.280