1 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:08,959 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,680 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,200 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:23,600 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:26,880 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. It's so great to have 6 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,840 Speaker 1: you here. Thank you for tuning in for a new 7 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:32,519 Speaker 1: episode of the Psychology of Your Twenties. If you're a 8 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:35,479 Speaker 1: new listener, if you're an old listener, it is great 9 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:38,479 Speaker 1: to have you here. Today we are talking about a 10 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:42,360 Speaker 1: topic that you, the listeners, actually chose on my Instagram, 11 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:45,800 Speaker 1: one that I am really really interested in at the moment. 12 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:50,640 Speaker 1: Often the topics that I find the most fascinating and 13 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:53,640 Speaker 1: I enjoy researching the most of those that are really 14 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,880 Speaker 1: kind of personally relevant to me as someone in my twenties. 15 00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:59,480 Speaker 1: So I hope that you enjoy this as well. But 16 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:03,760 Speaker 1: today we're going to talk about that sharp sting of rejection, 17 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:08,040 Speaker 1: something I think we are all inevitably going to experience 18 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:12,400 Speaker 1: in our twenties. I imagine for many of you you're 19 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:15,240 Speaker 1: thinking about a particular experience right now. And often when 20 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:18,839 Speaker 1: we think about rejection, it's to do with romantic love 21 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:23,080 Speaker 1: and intimate relationships. Perhaps there is a time in your 22 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:26,360 Speaker 1: life where you've been rejected by a potential love interest. 23 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:28,720 Speaker 1: You know, you've been turned down after you took a 24 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,840 Speaker 1: leap of faith and asked someone out, or maybe it's 25 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:36,560 Speaker 1: rejection from a long term partner. Often rejection in social 26 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:39,840 Speaker 1: situations is going to be the most painful, and that's 27 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,520 Speaker 1: not just what people were dating or that we're interested in, 28 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:46,920 Speaker 1: but friends as well. Feeling left out and socially rejected 29 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:51,000 Speaker 1: or like you're not wanted around that can leave some 30 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:58,000 Speaker 1: pretty deep, pretty painful wounds for many reasons. I'm sure 31 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:00,400 Speaker 1: you can think back to a time that you have 32 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:05,720 Speaker 1: experienced rejection and very vividly relate to that sense of hopelessness, 33 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:10,440 Speaker 1: that pain, that dejection, and maybe it's comforting to you 34 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,600 Speaker 1: to know there is a science behind that, there is 35 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:16,079 Speaker 1: psychology behind why we feel this way, and we're going 36 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:19,799 Speaker 1: to discuss it here today. We as humans, we really 37 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:23,120 Speaker 1: do crave connection with every fiber of our being. It's 38 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:27,840 Speaker 1: so crucial to our mental health, our physical, spiritual, social 39 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:32,000 Speaker 1: health and happiness, but also our sense of belonging, our 40 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:35,200 Speaker 1: sense of social security. So when we're denied that opportunity, 41 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:40,160 Speaker 1: it can be especially painful because instinctually we see social 42 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:43,160 Speaker 1: rejection in particular as a threat to our survival and 43 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:47,920 Speaker 1: the availability of community, the availability of support. We're going 44 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,320 Speaker 1: to talk about many of these situations and a lot 45 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:54,240 Speaker 1: more today. I also believe the experience of rejection has 46 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:59,280 Speaker 1: a really close relationship to our self esteem and social 47 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:03,399 Speaker 1: acceptance theory, things that are really crucial in this formative 48 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,760 Speaker 1: decade of our lives. So learning how to navigate this 49 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:11,800 Speaker 1: inevitable experience is really crucial during this time, especially when 50 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,680 Speaker 1: we kind of cast our minds forward and think about 51 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:19,239 Speaker 1: the long term harm that continuous rejection and unaddressed rejection 52 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,400 Speaker 1: can have on our mindset, can have on our attitudes 53 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:27,400 Speaker 1: as well, but also our willingness to pursue opportunities with 54 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:31,760 Speaker 1: work and our careers and areas as broad as the 55 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:35,800 Speaker 1: confidence to travel, to be independent and trust our judgment. 56 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,240 Speaker 1: Trusting our judgment, that is going to come up quite 57 00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:42,320 Speaker 1: a bit in this episode, and it can be the 58 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,520 Speaker 1: undoing of so many important elements of our growth and 59 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:49,560 Speaker 1: our well being. So although we're definitely going to talk 60 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:53,160 Speaker 1: about why rejection can be painful, why it can be harmful, 61 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,920 Speaker 1: we're also going to take a strength based approach, as 62 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,640 Speaker 1: we always do, because you know, the show is about 63 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:04,200 Speaker 1: growth and vulnerability and agency. And I really, really am, 64 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:10,400 Speaker 1: truly of the firm belief that rejection is really just redirection. 65 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,960 Speaker 1: It truly is, and there are so many ways to 66 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,720 Speaker 1: strengthen our mindset towards rejection to no longer see it 67 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:20,960 Speaker 1: as a setback, but as an opportunity, a new beginning. 68 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,840 Speaker 1: I often think about this time in my final year 69 00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:27,680 Speaker 1: of UNI when I was rejected from this job that 70 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:30,880 Speaker 1: I really really wanted, and at the time it stung, 71 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,960 Speaker 1: it was really painful. My self confidence kind of plummeted. 72 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,360 Speaker 1: I was left with all of this self doubt. You know, 73 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:39,320 Speaker 1: this is what I've been working towards. I think about 74 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:42,599 Speaker 1: the partners and the people I've pursued that I've really 75 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:47,120 Speaker 1: liked that have ended with rejection, and it hurt, It 76 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:51,440 Speaker 1: really hurt. But oh my gosh, was it such a blessing, 77 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,200 Speaker 1: such a blessing that those things did not work out. 78 00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:58,920 Speaker 1: I'm so grateful now for that rejection, even if at 79 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,840 Speaker 1: the time it was painful, because I never would have 80 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:07,239 Speaker 1: arrived here right now, you know, speaking to you, so 81 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:12,080 Speaker 1: strap in, get ready to hopefully learn something and explore 82 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:16,880 Speaker 1: the internal and also the external world of rejection in 83 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:25,560 Speaker 1: our twenties. So I think a really important place to 84 00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:30,960 Speaker 1: begin is exploring some of the typical situations owned events 85 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:35,800 Speaker 1: in which we typically and sometimes experience rejection and what 86 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,800 Speaker 1: kind of impact this can have on us and why 87 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:42,279 Speaker 1: we feel it so deeply. Often it's the things that 88 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:46,760 Speaker 1: are most important to us, our relationships, our community, our work, 89 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,560 Speaker 1: our dreams and future where we're going to feel that 90 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:53,359 Speaker 1: sting of rejection the most acutely, the most sharply. And 91 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,839 Speaker 1: this makes sense, right, you know, the bigger the investment, 92 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,640 Speaker 1: the greater the reliance on this area, I guess for happiness, 93 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:02,040 Speaker 1: the heart to the fall, the greater the loss, the 94 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:05,120 Speaker 1: greater the hurt, and a lot of those aspects that 95 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:08,960 Speaker 1: we just mentioned are so crucial in our twenties, especially 96 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,719 Speaker 1: as we're establishing independent lives, the lives that we want 97 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,920 Speaker 1: for ourselves. I remember when I was in high school, 98 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,880 Speaker 1: I was thinking about unis that I wanted to attend 99 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:24,320 Speaker 1: and how I could afford to support myself. In Australia, 100 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:27,120 Speaker 1: it's not that common actually for people to move out 101 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 1: of their hometowns or their cities, to go to UNI. 102 00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:33,880 Speaker 1: It's really expensive, it's not something that people typically do, 103 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:35,880 Speaker 1: but I really wanted to do it, and I found 104 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,120 Speaker 1: this amazing scholarship at my dream UNI, and I put 105 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:42,320 Speaker 1: a lot of pressure on myself to get it. Essentially, 106 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,200 Speaker 1: I placed a lot of my self worth in being 107 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:49,480 Speaker 1: able to obtain this achievement. And I think we can 108 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,719 Speaker 1: all imagine how this story ends. I didn't get it, 109 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:55,800 Speaker 1: and I felt rejected, like I didn't belong in this 110 00:06:55,839 --> 00:06:58,640 Speaker 1: group of people or even at this UNI. And maybe 111 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:02,560 Speaker 1: you've experienced something similar when applying for colleges and university 112 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,719 Speaker 1: and you feel that this rejection of not getting in 113 00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:08,560 Speaker 1: reflects polling on you. It's something you need to fix, 114 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:12,080 Speaker 1: something that you're lacking. But often I think it just 115 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,840 Speaker 1: means you're not in the right place for you, and 116 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:17,760 Speaker 1: it's not destiny. Maybe they've overlooked something about you or 117 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:21,320 Speaker 1: not understood how truly wonderful you are. Maybe it's also 118 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,520 Speaker 1: something beyond your control. I think that is particularly the 119 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:27,840 Speaker 1: case when it comes to jobs. Often we apply for jobs, 120 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:29,520 Speaker 1: we don't get them, and we're like, well, I wasn't 121 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,120 Speaker 1: a good candidate because they didn't like me. I wasn't 122 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,400 Speaker 1: personable enough, I don't have enough achievements. But it might 123 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:37,640 Speaker 1: just be that they want someone who can work certain 124 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:41,200 Speaker 1: hours or who has some knowledge of some like niche 125 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:45,160 Speaker 1: excel equation, and you will find your place eventually. And 126 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,560 Speaker 1: with romantic partners, I think that is a whole other 127 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:53,920 Speaker 1: ball game, a whole game in itself, especially since intimate 128 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:59,000 Speaker 1: relationships and dating can require and do require so much 129 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:03,720 Speaker 1: vulnerability with the other person but also with ourselves. Allowing 130 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:08,240 Speaker 1: yourself to be open to the possibility of love and acceptance, 131 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:12,840 Speaker 1: preparing yourself for that and then being rejected can leave 132 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,400 Speaker 1: a really sour taste in our mouth and be quite 133 00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:20,160 Speaker 1: profoundly wounding. Often it's not to do with you. I'm 134 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,240 Speaker 1: going to stay say that really clearly, it's not to 135 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 1: do with you. But then, but our brains don't always 136 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:31,800 Speaker 1: deal well without ambiguity and want an explanation for things, 137 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:34,960 Speaker 1: so often we look for something that can explain an 138 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:39,760 Speaker 1: unexpected experience like this, and that's when we might start 139 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,079 Speaker 1: to think there's something wrong with us, that we did 140 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,560 Speaker 1: something wrong, we were awkward, or they didn't find us 141 00:08:45,679 --> 00:08:49,600 Speaker 1: attractive or funny or intelligent enough. And what comes from 142 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,960 Speaker 1: this can be these really self limiting and harmful beliefs 143 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:57,080 Speaker 1: about ourselves. Like I said, the greater the investment and expectation, 144 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,760 Speaker 1: the greater the value we place on something, particularly love, 145 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:05,040 Speaker 1: the more rejection is likely to sting. And I'll be 146 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,680 Speaker 1: honest with you, I've had experiences like this quite a 147 00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:10,120 Speaker 1: few times, and often at the end of it, I 148 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:13,800 Speaker 1: would convince myself that if I was skinnier, or I 149 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:17,080 Speaker 1: liked their hobbies more, or their friends liked me, if 150 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:19,080 Speaker 1: I was more athletic than they would want to be 151 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:22,400 Speaker 1: with me. But honestly, I think at the end of 152 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,400 Speaker 1: the day, we want someone to like us for who 153 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,200 Speaker 1: we are. It reminds me I always think about this 154 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:31,880 Speaker 1: lyric by this Australian band called Ballpark Music, and this 155 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:35,400 Speaker 1: line that kind of really comforts me, which is I 156 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,360 Speaker 1: love you exactly as you are. And I know it 157 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:41,720 Speaker 1: sounds happy. I know it sounds really weird, But listen 158 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:45,600 Speaker 1: to that song if you're experiencing romantic rejection, because that's 159 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,800 Speaker 1: what it should feel like when someone really likes you 160 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,360 Speaker 1: for who you are. But no matter how many times 161 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:54,839 Speaker 1: we repeat that sentiment, no matter how many times we 162 00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:58,520 Speaker 1: feel like we are worthy and we know our worth. 163 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:02,720 Speaker 1: Rejection across any domain of our life, not just the 164 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:05,480 Speaker 1: ones I've talked about, is going to hurt. So let's 165 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:10,359 Speaker 1: talk about why, especially some of the science, so rejection 166 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:14,600 Speaker 1: and physical pain use the same pathways in our brain. 167 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,480 Speaker 1: I know that sounds really bizarre, but think about a 168 00:10:17,559 --> 00:10:21,040 Speaker 1: time when you know, maybe you haven't been invited to something, 169 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,040 Speaker 1: or you felt left out like it physically can hurt, 170 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,240 Speaker 1: Like you feel this like pain in your chest, your 171 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,880 Speaker 1: brain feels all fuzzy. So this group of scientists did 172 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:35,480 Speaker 1: these fMRI studies that basically tracks which basically where our 173 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:38,040 Speaker 1: brains are using oxygen, and that's kind of correlated to 174 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,880 Speaker 1: what neural pathways we're using at the time. And they 175 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:46,040 Speaker 1: used this technology to show that the same areas of 176 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:49,960 Speaker 1: our brain that become activated when we stab our toe 177 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:53,880 Speaker 1: or when we cut our finger or experiencing any kind 178 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:58,079 Speaker 1: of physical pain, those pathways are also activated by rejection, 179 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,880 Speaker 1: which means they're going to activate similar feeling within us. 180 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,000 Speaker 1: And that's why it hurts. That's why it physically hurts 181 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:08,960 Speaker 1: because there's a neurological backing to that experience. Our brain 182 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:15,480 Speaker 1: relates the pain of rejection with physical pain and respond 183 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:20,679 Speaker 1: so Similarly, it's also I think some of that negative experience, 184 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:25,920 Speaker 1: that discomfort that comes particularly with social rejection, it destabilizes 185 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:32,080 Speaker 1: this fundamental need to belong and its need to have community. 186 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,760 Speaker 1: It is so fundamental, no matter how much you try 187 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:38,240 Speaker 1: and convince yourself that you're happy alone, you're independent, you 188 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:44,040 Speaker 1: don't need anyone, You're hardwired to need people. We're hardwired 189 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:48,679 Speaker 1: to need community. So the disconnection that is experienced when 190 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:55,040 Speaker 1: we experience rejection, it destabilizes that need, that craving, that 191 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:58,840 Speaker 1: like fundamental desire, and that's why we feel emotional pain. 192 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,480 Speaker 1: And this has really links to social acceptance theory as well. 193 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:08,200 Speaker 1: So social acceptance basically it is the degree to which 194 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:12,560 Speaker 1: our behavior is perceived by others to be acceptable and 195 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,000 Speaker 1: the degree to which we are kind of brought into 196 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,920 Speaker 1: the group, the degree to which we are brought into 197 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:21,160 Speaker 1: social interactions and are able to have a group relationship. 198 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,480 Speaker 1: And there's so many barriers to this, you know, especially 199 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:29,600 Speaker 1: prejudice and stigma and racism. But we will do anything, 200 00:12:29,679 --> 00:12:33,520 Speaker 1: we really will do anything to you to complete and 201 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:38,920 Speaker 1: fulfill that desire of acceptance and approval, particularly from peers 202 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:43,080 Speaker 1: and particularly from people whose social acceptance we really want, 203 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:46,080 Speaker 1: and often those are people who don't give it freely. 204 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,120 Speaker 1: Those are the people who we have to work for 205 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:52,319 Speaker 1: social acceptance because we see it as more valuable, and 206 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:55,240 Speaker 1: we can find that we do things that we don't 207 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:57,360 Speaker 1: want to do, all because we're trying to fulfill this 208 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:01,120 Speaker 1: need to be part of community, be part of a community, 209 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:05,160 Speaker 1: to belong, to be accepted. There's many ways around this, 210 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:09,720 Speaker 1: and I know it can feel particularly awful, especially if 211 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:13,080 Speaker 1: these are people you really like, or you know, you 212 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:16,280 Speaker 1: don't really feel like you belong anywhere. But reconnecting with 213 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,640 Speaker 1: those who do love us, reaching out to members of 214 00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:22,760 Speaker 1: a group that already accept us, maybe that's family, maybe 215 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,679 Speaker 1: that's friends, people we share our values with who know us, 216 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:29,319 Speaker 1: can kind of help to soothe that pain of rejection, 217 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:32,280 Speaker 1: especially from a group that perhaps we don't want to 218 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,520 Speaker 1: you know, maybe probably don't want to be a part 219 00:13:34,559 --> 00:13:36,079 Speaker 1: of if they don't like you for who you are. 220 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,040 Speaker 1: There's a deeper science to this as well. So we 221 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:44,600 Speaker 1: talked about social acceptance, we've talked about rejection destabilizing our 222 00:13:44,679 --> 00:13:47,640 Speaker 1: need to belong, but when we think about rejection in 223 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:52,320 Speaker 1: a romantic context, especially, it used to serve a pretty 224 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:56,760 Speaker 1: vital function in the past. Back when we were you know, 225 00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,520 Speaker 1: hunters and gatherers and you know, running aroun trying to 226 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:04,160 Speaker 1: find a meal. It was important to have other people 227 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:07,480 Speaker 1: around you to support your survival, right Like, the more 228 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:10,720 Speaker 1: people you're associated with, if you have a partner, the 229 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,600 Speaker 1: more protection you have, the more food you're able to gather. 230 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:18,320 Speaker 1: There's like a caregiving role there. So when you weren't 231 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:21,560 Speaker 1: accepted by the group, especially when you felt rejected by 232 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:25,560 Speaker 1: a potential romantic interest or a sexual interest which would 233 00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:29,080 Speaker 1: allow the group to build itself, that was basically the 234 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:31,240 Speaker 1: same as a death sentence. If you were pushed away 235 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:34,280 Speaker 1: from the group, then you were out on your own 236 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:38,240 Speaker 1: and it's very pretty low chances of survival there. I 237 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:41,120 Speaker 1: think we're surrounded by a lot of technology now and 238 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,920 Speaker 1: we don't really feel like where those same kind of 239 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:48,120 Speaker 1: like cave people back in the day. But our brains 240 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:52,120 Speaker 1: are still the same, particularly that the center of our brain, 241 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:55,440 Speaker 1: which is like the midbrain, that like the old brain 242 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:59,360 Speaker 1: is what they call it. So when we used to 243 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:03,840 Speaker 1: be these creature hunting and gathering and whatnot, our brains 244 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:06,520 Speaker 1: developed to be able to sense the alert and alert 245 00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:10,760 Speaker 1: us to potential rejection or ostracism because it was important 246 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:14,680 Speaker 1: for us to adapt to that situation and not experience rejection. 247 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,920 Speaker 1: So now, because that function in our brain is still 248 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,120 Speaker 1: very much there, it's still very much active, it hasn't 249 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 1: gone anywhere. When we experience rejection that's probably not going 250 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,920 Speaker 1: to lead us to death, is probably not going to 251 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:29,960 Speaker 1: lead us to be completely shotted, our brain still wants 252 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:32,400 Speaker 1: us to react to that, and the way that it 253 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,560 Speaker 1: gets us to react to that is by using those 254 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,720 Speaker 1: pain receptors in our brain to almost shock us, to 255 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:42,720 Speaker 1: get our attention by mimicking physical harm. And the people 256 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:46,080 Speaker 1: who developed this, when they back in the olden times, 257 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:49,080 Speaker 1: they had an evolutionary advantage because they were able to 258 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,280 Speaker 1: correct their behavior when they sensed rejection because of those 259 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,800 Speaker 1: kind of pain, that pain that we experience, and they 260 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,400 Speaker 1: were more likely to be integrated back into the group, 261 00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:02,920 Speaker 1: more likely to be accepted by a partner. And that 262 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:06,680 Speaker 1: kind of explains why even now there is an evolutionary 263 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:11,120 Speaker 1: reaction to any experience of rejection, and also why we 264 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:16,280 Speaker 1: remember rejection so well. When we think about perhaps a 265 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,960 Speaker 1: time when I don't know, we were dating someone or 266 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,880 Speaker 1: like kind of started seeing someone, and like after like 267 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:23,560 Speaker 1: a couple of months, they were like, yeah, no, this 268 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,760 Speaker 1: isn't for me. I'm sure we've all had that experience, 269 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:30,040 Speaker 1: and like, when you think about it, I'm sure you 270 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,680 Speaker 1: can feel that sting in your body. You can feel 271 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,880 Speaker 1: it somewhere, and I'm not asking you to relive a 272 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:39,320 Speaker 1: traumatic experience, but it is something that's important to understand, 273 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:43,760 Speaker 1: because that is exactly what this evolutionary feeling is trying 274 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:47,640 Speaker 1: to mimic. Our brain wants us to prioritize experiences of 275 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:51,840 Speaker 1: rejection because it's a threat. It used to be a threat, 276 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:56,160 Speaker 1: and that's often why when we experience severe rejection, be 277 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:59,600 Speaker 1: that in your dating life and your social life, professional life, 278 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:03,160 Speaker 1: we can often experience a bit of a mental plunge, 279 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,800 Speaker 1: and that's often accompanied by a lapse in self confidence 280 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:10,760 Speaker 1: and self worth as our brains and minds try and 281 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:14,400 Speaker 1: incorporate that experience, try and learn from it. And in 282 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:18,200 Speaker 1: some ways, this unconscious kind of response to rejection is useful, 283 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:21,080 Speaker 1: and it used to be useful when we wanted an 284 00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:24,800 Speaker 1: opportunity to correct our behavior and remain in the in group. 285 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:30,600 Speaker 1: But I think nowadays it can also be quite harmful 286 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:34,720 Speaker 1: and create a lot of self doubt because if we 287 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:38,119 Speaker 1: hold on to that experience for longer than required, it 288 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:42,640 Speaker 1: can also lead to future hesitancy towards opportunities and perhaps 289 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:46,119 Speaker 1: wonderful experiences. If we're so worried about things going wrong, 290 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,640 Speaker 1: or we're so worried that we're going to be pushed out, 291 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:52,320 Speaker 1: or we're going to experience that painful rejection, no matter 292 00:17:52,359 --> 00:17:55,960 Speaker 1: how optimistic we may be, no matter how much we 293 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,880 Speaker 1: bounce back, our brain still wants us to be prepared 294 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:02,560 Speaker 1: for the worst. And there's a term for this, especially 295 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:06,399 Speaker 1: for people who've experienced repeated rejections and now feel like 296 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:12,280 Speaker 1: pretty intense hesitancy towards new experiences. It's called learned helplessness, 297 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,840 Speaker 1: and it's a reaction from repeated rejection. So these psychologists 298 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:23,240 Speaker 1: they discovered using dogs that if these dogs were tied 299 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:27,040 Speaker 1: up while they were given electric shocks and made to 300 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,800 Speaker 1: feel pain and weren't able to escape, even after the 301 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:34,200 Speaker 1: collar or the chain had been removed and they could 302 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:38,400 Speaker 1: have easily run away, they still continued to suffer through 303 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:41,959 Speaker 1: that pain. So learned helplessness that kind of refers to 304 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,040 Speaker 1: this condition that we have as humans, where if we've 305 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:48,040 Speaker 1: learned that we're going to experience rejection no matter what. 306 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,960 Speaker 1: You know, we've had so many times where we've dated 307 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,520 Speaker 1: someone for a few months and then it's ended. We 308 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:57,399 Speaker 1: basically begin to view our actions as completely ineffective. We 309 00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:01,639 Speaker 1: have no effect on what actually curs or what actually happens. 310 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,199 Speaker 1: So eventually we just stopped trying. We stop trying to 311 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:10,480 Speaker 1: avoid those harmful experiences, and we tend to believe that 312 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,879 Speaker 1: that's normal, that that is something that is unavoidable and 313 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,600 Speaker 1: we may as well just get used to it. I 314 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:20,720 Speaker 1: think after facing rejection, we often feel that our actions 315 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,760 Speaker 1: had no impact, they didn't produce the desired effect, and 316 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,960 Speaker 1: as a result, we lose hope in situations and it 317 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,000 Speaker 1: can really kind of get us down. This is often 318 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:35,520 Speaker 1: stronger for people with rejection sensitivity disorder or dysphoria. So, 319 00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:41,199 Speaker 1: you know, I think everyone who is rejected from something, 320 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:44,240 Speaker 1: be that a job, maybe your family, your friends, by 321 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:47,919 Speaker 1: a partner, by university or college, whatever it may be, 322 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:53,760 Speaker 1: it's going to hurt. Like we've explained this, instinctually and evolutionarily, 323 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,119 Speaker 1: our brains are going to respond to that. But there 324 00:19:56,119 --> 00:20:00,800 Speaker 1: are some people who experience this much more intensely, and 325 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:04,280 Speaker 1: it actually leads to them being fearful of rejections so 326 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:09,400 Speaker 1: much so that they avoid situations out of fear of rejection. 327 00:20:10,119 --> 00:20:13,879 Speaker 1: Individuals with this high rejection sensitivity, that's what it's called, 328 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:17,080 Speaker 1: they kind of constantly look for signs and look for 329 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:20,280 Speaker 1: early indicators that they're going to be rejected. They have 330 00:20:20,359 --> 00:20:25,760 Speaker 1: a greater physical response to those feelings, including intense anxiety 331 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:30,480 Speaker 1: and intense discomfort. And there's been heaps of explanations as 332 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,880 Speaker 1: to why there are some people who are better at 333 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:36,280 Speaker 1: managing rejection and some people who really struggle with it. 334 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:41,040 Speaker 1: Some of the explanations kind of rest on emotional sensitivity, 335 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:43,480 Speaker 1: which isn't a bad thing, it's a beautiful thing, but 336 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:46,400 Speaker 1: it can make us a lot more sensitive to these situations, 337 00:20:47,359 --> 00:20:51,520 Speaker 1: having an attention bias to rejections, so we don't look 338 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,879 Speaker 1: at we don't think about all those times when everything 339 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,920 Speaker 1: worcked out, well, when you know everyone loved us at 340 00:20:56,920 --> 00:21:00,000 Speaker 1: that party or a partner accepted us for who we are. 341 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:03,239 Speaker 1: Only think about the bad times. And finally, it can 342 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,400 Speaker 1: often come from people who've experienced some kind of childhood 343 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:10,800 Speaker 1: trauma or have some kind of childhood vulnerability, particularly after 344 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:15,520 Speaker 1: parental rejection, and this has created almost a fear response 345 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:19,639 Speaker 1: in them, this learned instantaneous response. We talk about this 346 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,879 Speaker 1: in the Overcoming Childhood Trauma episode if you're interested in 347 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:28,400 Speaker 1: learning more about it. So these people, they experience more 348 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:32,879 Speaker 1: distress essentially, and it can also lead to harmful people 349 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:36,399 Speaker 1: pleasing behaviors and sacrificing their own needs and wanting to 350 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,280 Speaker 1: sacrifice those of others more and put them in a 351 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:43,520 Speaker 1: position of great vulnerability. If we're so scared of rejection, 352 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:47,320 Speaker 1: often we kind of cater our behaviors to our audience 353 00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:50,399 Speaker 1: and we're not able to remain our true selves. I 354 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,640 Speaker 1: don't know. I think about job interviews where we try 355 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,760 Speaker 1: and create a bit of a persona, or meeting new 356 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:59,520 Speaker 1: people where we try and pretend where something we're not 357 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:02,160 Speaker 1: because we're kind of fearful that they won't like us, 358 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,160 Speaker 1: and we care a lot about whether they like us. 359 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:08,479 Speaker 1: But it can be really harmful. Yeah, it can be 360 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,720 Speaker 1: really harmful. So let's explore some of the long term 361 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:15,560 Speaker 1: impacts of rejection, not only our brains and our minds, 362 00:22:16,119 --> 00:22:19,520 Speaker 1: but also on our perspectives, on our well being, and 363 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:28,439 Speaker 1: on our mindsets. Our next partner has a product I 364 00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:32,280 Speaker 1: use literally every day. 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So what are some of the 386 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:52,679 Speaker 1: long term impacts, What are some of the kind of 387 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:56,240 Speaker 1: what's the significance of holding on to rejection for too long, 388 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:59,320 Speaker 1: of letting it kind of have more of a say 389 00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:03,840 Speaker 1: in our lives that we want well. Rejection, first of all, 390 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,600 Speaker 1: has massive ties to our self esteem. I feel like 391 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:12,520 Speaker 1: that's quite self explanatory. We tie our worth often to 392 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:17,560 Speaker 1: things of significance, things like our romantic relationships, like our careers, 393 00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:21,840 Speaker 1: like our friendships, and with that significance comes a lot 394 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:24,639 Speaker 1: of our identity and our self concept. So when we 395 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:27,960 Speaker 1: experience a rejection within one of those domains, within one 396 00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:31,560 Speaker 1: of those sphears, it kind of bleeds into how we 397 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:34,080 Speaker 1: see ourselves, and it often sends us on a bit 398 00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:39,000 Speaker 1: of emission to kind of undermine ourselves. Often when we 399 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:44,080 Speaker 1: are rejected romantically, especially We've talked about this, but we 400 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:47,720 Speaker 1: tend to see it as as our fault, like we 401 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:50,880 Speaker 1: are in some way inadequate, there's something wrong with us 402 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,760 Speaker 1: because we're looking for an explanation. We don't always get 403 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:56,320 Speaker 1: that from someone else. We're not always able to call 404 00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:58,240 Speaker 1: them up and be like, oh, so, why exactly didn't 405 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:00,480 Speaker 1: you like me? Can you list like the five reasons 406 00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,720 Speaker 1: so I can go away and fix them. No, and 407 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,040 Speaker 1: often it has nothing to do with you. But it's 408 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:08,520 Speaker 1: a much easier way of defining the situation by thinking 409 00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:11,840 Speaker 1: about what's wrong with you rather than what might be 410 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,600 Speaker 1: wrong with the context, Like perhaps it's just a bad fit. 411 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:18,680 Speaker 1: You don't have that chemistry, you've got incompatible lifestyles, you've 412 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:22,919 Speaker 1: got different wants. But blaming ourselves and attacking ourselves is 413 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:26,520 Speaker 1: only going to worsen the emotional state we're in and 414 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:30,720 Speaker 1: might actually end up leading to some really harmful behaviors 415 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,680 Speaker 1: which we're kind of almost punishing or blaming ourselves, which 416 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:37,439 Speaker 1: makes it more difficult for us to emotionally recover and 417 00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:40,720 Speaker 1: kind of move on. Here's a really interesting fact that 418 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:46,000 Speaker 1: I found while researching this rejection also temporarily lowers our IQ. 419 00:25:47,119 --> 00:25:52,840 Speaker 1: It sounds strange, but after so being asked to recall 420 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:57,480 Speaker 1: a recent experience of rejection and relive that experience, even 421 00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,560 Speaker 1: if it hadn't occurred right in that moment, it actually 422 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:04,040 Speaker 1: made people score lower on IQ tests. So these researchers, 423 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,720 Speaker 1: they sat people down, they gave them an IQ test, 424 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,200 Speaker 1: and then they asked them, Okay, when was the last 425 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:12,399 Speaker 1: time you felt rejected? And they asked them to describe that, 426 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:14,959 Speaker 1: to describe how they felt, and then they gave them 427 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:18,600 Speaker 1: another IQ test, and they found that people were poorer 428 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:22,120 Speaker 1: at short term memory tests, at decision making, at being 429 00:26:22,119 --> 00:26:27,240 Speaker 1: able to respond intelligently after they had recalled that experience 430 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:30,120 Speaker 1: because it left them so emotionally drained and left their 431 00:26:30,119 --> 00:26:34,359 Speaker 1: brains so frazzled. So reliving that pain of that rejection 432 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,119 Speaker 1: it's actually not doing you much good. You might be 433 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,600 Speaker 1: looking for something that went wrong or trying to think 434 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:42,560 Speaker 1: about what you could have done differently, but it's actually 435 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:48,479 Speaker 1: only kind of hurting and harming our problem solving skills 436 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:51,920 Speaker 1: and our ability to move on. I know it's really 437 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,240 Speaker 1: hard when we talk about these things to be like, oh, 438 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,320 Speaker 1: like you're saying all these negative things about how it's terrible, 439 00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:01,160 Speaker 1: but it's really difficult for me to move on from rejection, 440 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,240 Speaker 1: or it's really difficult for me to take what you're 441 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,800 Speaker 1: saying to heart, because as we all know, it's not 442 00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:10,040 Speaker 1: as easy as this band aid solution, especially because rejection 443 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:13,879 Speaker 1: is an unconscious experience. It's not one or the experience 444 00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:16,920 Speaker 1: of rejection, not so much rejection, but our emotional reaction 445 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,960 Speaker 1: to it. It's not something we always handle at the 446 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,680 Speaker 1: front of our brain, within our active brain. It's something 447 00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:28,200 Speaker 1: that occurs kind of behind the scenes and unconsciously. And 448 00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:32,080 Speaker 1: even there's situations in which we may not even respect 449 00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:35,840 Speaker 1: the person or respect the institution that's rejected us, but 450 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,240 Speaker 1: it still hurts They Maybe it might be a total stranger, 451 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,639 Speaker 1: but because that need to be liked and need to 452 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:44,720 Speaker 1: be part of the in group and be accepted is 453 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,960 Speaker 1: so strong, we care about it just that little bit more. 454 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:53,359 Speaker 1: They did this a really interesting experiment where they told 455 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:56,320 Speaker 1: this group of participants, like, all right, these people are 456 00:27:56,359 --> 00:27:59,480 Speaker 1: like awful. They've done all these crimes, they've done these 457 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:02,680 Speaker 1: awful things. They belong to hate groups, and they don't 458 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:06,919 Speaker 1: like you. And even when we had no respect for 459 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,560 Speaker 1: that group of people, even when they were like awful, 460 00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:14,040 Speaker 1: we still cared and people still exhibited an emotional reaction. 461 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,760 Speaker 1: We've talked about this a bit, but because of that, 462 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:20,600 Speaker 1: it has a pretty severe impact on our self esteem 463 00:28:21,119 --> 00:28:23,399 Speaker 1: and our sense of self worth, as we've kind of 464 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:27,600 Speaker 1: already explained, and our self worth is already quite unstable 465 00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:30,840 Speaker 1: in our twenties, were trying to establish our identity and 466 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:35,080 Speaker 1: new environments and environments we've never been before, often away 467 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:38,640 Speaker 1: from our family, taking a step beyond our comfort zone 468 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:41,160 Speaker 1: and self worth. It's at the very core of how 469 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:45,280 Speaker 1: we see ourselves. So if we experience frequent rejections from 470 00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:49,000 Speaker 1: partners or people were interested in, or our family, we 471 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:52,280 Speaker 1: may come to see ourselves as unlovable or not worthy 472 00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:55,560 Speaker 1: of love. If we keep getting rejected from jobs, we 473 00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:59,400 Speaker 1: may see ourselves as not skilled or intelligent enough. Rejected 474 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:01,480 Speaker 1: from social or groups can leave us feeling on the 475 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:05,160 Speaker 1: outside not cool enough, you know, looking to link it 476 00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:08,680 Speaker 1: to some aspect of our identity, like our physical appearance, 477 00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:11,320 Speaker 1: or our hobbies or our likes. But I think the 478 00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:14,080 Speaker 1: important lesson is you don't need to change anything about 479 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:19,160 Speaker 1: yourself to feel valid and to feel valued. Although rejection 480 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:23,600 Speaker 1: is a normal part of life, it's inevitable. Not everyone's 481 00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:25,760 Speaker 1: going to like you, not everyone's going to see how 482 00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:28,959 Speaker 1: brilliant you are. It doesn't mean that rejection has to 483 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:32,680 Speaker 1: dominate how we see ourselves. So let's discuss some of 484 00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:35,520 Speaker 1: the ways that we can bounce back from a painful 485 00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:40,400 Speaker 1: rejection experience. There are ways that you can kind of 486 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:45,760 Speaker 1: treat the psychological and emotional wounds and scars of rejection. 487 00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:48,640 Speaker 1: I'm sure we all have an experience from like primary 488 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:51,120 Speaker 1: school or when we were like in kindergarten where someone's 489 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:54,400 Speaker 1: been like, I don't like you, and it sticks with us, 490 00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:58,160 Speaker 1: it stays in our brains. But we can actually treat that. 491 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:02,520 Speaker 1: But to do that, we actually have to understand why 492 00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:05,600 Speaker 1: it is that that hurt us, what it is that 493 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:08,920 Speaker 1: it what it is that it activates or triggers within 494 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:11,920 Speaker 1: us to make us react that way. It's probably something 495 00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:14,720 Speaker 1: to do with with an insecurity that we're dealing with 496 00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:18,760 Speaker 1: that this experience has kind of agitated in some ways. 497 00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:22,640 Speaker 1: You know, if you don't see yourself as being conventionally 498 00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:27,960 Speaker 1: attractive or desirable and someone rejects you, it it confirms that, 499 00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:31,000 Speaker 1: and it also makes it hurt more because you're like, oh, 500 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:33,800 Speaker 1: I already knew this about myself. It shouldn't be this painful. 501 00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:38,280 Speaker 1: But it also you know that scar is already a 502 00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:41,000 Speaker 1: pretty a pretty open one. You know, it's something that 503 00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,680 Speaker 1: can be picked out even more. Or you know, if 504 00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:47,680 Speaker 1: we don't get a job, we might The reason that 505 00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:50,200 Speaker 1: that might hurt more is because of a deeper psychological 506 00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:53,160 Speaker 1: wound to you know, maybe to deal with imposter syndrome, 507 00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:55,920 Speaker 1: or maybe to do with a sense that you're not 508 00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:58,920 Speaker 1: skilled enough, or a sense that you've never been intelligent enough. 509 00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:04,320 Speaker 1: So overcoming rejection actually takes time, and it takes an 510 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:09,320 Speaker 1: investment in identifying what it is that we're vulnerable towards 511 00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:12,760 Speaker 1: and about what it is that we're insecure about. That 512 00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:17,520 Speaker 1: this experience has kind of leveraged and made worse. But 513 00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:20,040 Speaker 1: I think one of the greatest things that we as 514 00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:22,760 Speaker 1: humans have the ability to do is to change our 515 00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:26,080 Speaker 1: minds and to shift our perspectives. So what if we 516 00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:30,600 Speaker 1: chose to view rejection as a gift rather than as 517 00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:34,240 Speaker 1: this painful avoid thing that we need to avoid. It's 518 00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:37,200 Speaker 1: kind of what cognitive behavioral therapy tries to do. Tries 519 00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:40,320 Speaker 1: to change how we think about something, which in turn 520 00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:43,360 Speaker 1: changes how we react to it. So let's kind of 521 00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:46,120 Speaker 1: do a thought experiment about how we can do this 522 00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:51,680 Speaker 1: with rejection. Of course, if you've experienced a rejection, there's 523 00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:55,160 Speaker 1: going to be a period of self loathing, and you 524 00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:57,280 Speaker 1: might take that experience and be like, well, it's something 525 00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,800 Speaker 1: wrong with me, and that's that. But you might also 526 00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:03,680 Speaker 1: see it as an opportunity to understand yourself better, to 527 00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:07,960 Speaker 1: understand those insecurities we were talking about, to pursue a 528 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:12,000 Speaker 1: new opportunity, something that you hadn't even thought of. If 529 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:13,760 Speaker 1: we think about it even in like kind of a 530 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:15,920 Speaker 1: mystical way of like this was meant to happen from 531 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:19,600 Speaker 1: the universe, or like this was supposed to happen, we 532 00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:22,320 Speaker 1: change our mindset away from being like this is because 533 00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:25,560 Speaker 1: I am terrible, this is because I'm not attractive, or 534 00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:28,719 Speaker 1: I am not skilled or intelligent or lovable, and we 535 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:30,880 Speaker 1: change it to something else, something of like this is 536 00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:33,880 Speaker 1: actually has nothing to do with me, and everything to 537 00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:36,960 Speaker 1: do with divine timing, everything to do with new opportunities. 538 00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:39,520 Speaker 1: And we're able to take what is like a pretty 539 00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:43,200 Speaker 1: shitty situation and use it for personal growth, use it 540 00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:46,520 Speaker 1: for improvement, use it to change how we view the 541 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:50,480 Speaker 1: world and how we view bad things that happened to us. 542 00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:54,080 Speaker 1: So I think some tips, some very actionable tips that 543 00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:58,560 Speaker 1: I would say is, firstly, give yourself time to feel 544 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:02,160 Speaker 1: shit about it like it is. The like I think 545 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:05,120 Speaker 1: when we jump the gun and try and move on, 546 00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:10,000 Speaker 1: often that's unconscious suppression of the actual experience. Which is 547 00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:13,280 Speaker 1: quite harmful. It's a negative coping mechanism. We're like, oh, 548 00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:15,640 Speaker 1: you know, I'm so over it, who cares, fuck them whatever? 549 00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:19,720 Speaker 1: But it's like, no, that's not you actually having time 550 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:23,280 Speaker 1: to validate and experience your feelings. It's you just trying 551 00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:26,320 Speaker 1: to suppress them. And we know that this is just 552 00:33:26,440 --> 00:33:30,800 Speaker 1: going to come back and harm us later on. So 553 00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:33,760 Speaker 1: it's better to give yourself permission to feel the sting, 554 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:37,440 Speaker 1: to feel the pain, feel resentment if you have to 555 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:41,520 Speaker 1: be mad at the situation if you have to, but 556 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:45,320 Speaker 1: don't put yourself down in the process. Don't include your 557 00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:48,240 Speaker 1: self worth in that equation, and limit the time you 558 00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:51,400 Speaker 1: spend on it. You know, giving yourself time doesn't mean 559 00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:55,400 Speaker 1: giving yourself endless time to ruminate and feel really crap 560 00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:58,719 Speaker 1: and let it become a part of your identity. So 561 00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:03,280 Speaker 1: think about what's next instead romantic rejection. Think about how 562 00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:07,520 Speaker 1: much time you have with your friends. Academic university rejection. Hell, 563 00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:09,400 Speaker 1: you've got a new community, you've got a new learning 564 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:13,200 Speaker 1: pathway Like you didn't get into medical school. Great, you 565 00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:15,960 Speaker 1: can become a dentist. Or you can go and do 566 00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:18,440 Speaker 1: something entirely different. You could be a graphic designer. I'm 567 00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:23,120 Speaker 1: sure you've got very steady hands. Familiar rejection, that's a 568 00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:26,800 Speaker 1: huge one. It's about reminding yourself that you can create 569 00:34:26,840 --> 00:34:29,359 Speaker 1: your own family. It's not just blood, it's not who 570 00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:33,080 Speaker 1: you were born surrounded by, and reminding ourselves that there 571 00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:38,279 Speaker 1: is not just one path towards happiness. Remember, like we 572 00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:41,560 Speaker 1: said at the beginning, rejection is just a redirection. So 573 00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:45,879 Speaker 1: think about what's next, and think about the opportunities that 574 00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:49,399 Speaker 1: you maybe wouldn't have had if that thing had gone right. 575 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:53,320 Speaker 1: You know, if you had dated that person, maybe you 576 00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:55,920 Speaker 1: wouldn't have met your current partner, or you wouldn't be 577 00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:58,719 Speaker 1: able to go on like amazing First States and see 578 00:34:58,840 --> 00:35:02,320 Speaker 1: new places in your city or meet new people. Rejection 579 00:35:02,719 --> 00:35:05,279 Speaker 1: is a redirection. It is a positive thing. And if 580 00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:08,080 Speaker 1: we change our attitudes towards it, and we have that 581 00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:12,640 Speaker 1: mindset shift of turning loss into action and building inner 582 00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:15,480 Speaker 1: strength and resilience, we're probably going to be stronger people 583 00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:18,479 Speaker 1: on the long run. So how do we do this well? 584 00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:21,560 Speaker 1: It kind of depends on what type of rejection we've experienced, 585 00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:25,640 Speaker 1: but often it's about relating back to the core parts 586 00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:28,719 Speaker 1: of ourselves that we value, reconnecting with your sense of 587 00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:32,719 Speaker 1: self worth and reminding yourself of what your strengths are. 588 00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:34,920 Speaker 1: Make a list, Ask your family and friends, like, what 589 00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:37,440 Speaker 1: am I good at? What do you like about me? 590 00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:40,040 Speaker 1: What do I love doing? What are the things that 591 00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:43,319 Speaker 1: make me me? Even if people can't, or you know, 592 00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:46,200 Speaker 1: certain people can't see your worth, it means that you're 593 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:50,600 Speaker 1: able to. And I think every person is so incredibly 594 00:35:50,719 --> 00:35:53,600 Speaker 1: unique and like, oh my god, so special and beautiful 595 00:35:53,680 --> 00:35:58,480 Speaker 1: and amazing. Someone's going to recognize that about you. And 596 00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:00,880 Speaker 1: even if they don't, you're going to be able to. 597 00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:04,400 Speaker 1: And I say it probably like every third episode, but 598 00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:08,000 Speaker 1: that relationship you have with yourself is so important. It's 599 00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:11,040 Speaker 1: more important than whether other people like you. I think 600 00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:14,960 Speaker 1: building resilience may also be like finding your strengths, building 601 00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:19,439 Speaker 1: new strengths, working to grow and build pre existing things 602 00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:21,960 Speaker 1: you're good at, build them even more. Like if you're 603 00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:24,880 Speaker 1: someone who's like amazing at something, spend time on that, 604 00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:28,719 Speaker 1: make that's such an asset about yourself, and reach out 605 00:36:28,760 --> 00:36:33,239 Speaker 1: to people who love and support you. I think that's 606 00:36:33,239 --> 00:36:36,680 Speaker 1: a really great way to avoid seeking almost the comfort 607 00:36:36,719 --> 00:36:40,080 Speaker 1: of limiting beliefs or self blame because they're really easy, right, 608 00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:43,200 Speaker 1: It's easier to find an explanation within as to why 609 00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:47,439 Speaker 1: something didn't work out or why you experience rejection. Then 610 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:50,840 Speaker 1: have to kind of think about all the other possibilities 611 00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:54,440 Speaker 1: and sometimes there's no easy solution. There's no easy answer. 612 00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:57,960 Speaker 1: So the easiest solution is to relate it to your 613 00:36:57,960 --> 00:37:01,839 Speaker 1: personal attributes, which is so harmful and it can make 614 00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:07,040 Speaker 1: the experience so much worse. So I think believing in 615 00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:10,239 Speaker 1: your abilities, believing in your worth, and surrounding yourself with 616 00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:13,920 Speaker 1: people who encourage you and encourage that feeling within you, 617 00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:16,440 Speaker 1: even if that means, you know, cutting ties with a 618 00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:19,600 Speaker 1: toxic workplace or cutting ties with a toxic friend, it's 619 00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:21,719 Speaker 1: going to pay off in the long run. And I 620 00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:25,520 Speaker 1: know that can be incredibly difficult, but taking the time 621 00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:29,760 Speaker 1: now when we're young, to invest in that perspective building 622 00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:32,120 Speaker 1: is going to be such a great investment for your 623 00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:36,680 Speaker 1: future because rejection is inevitable, but the emotional and negative 624 00:37:36,680 --> 00:37:40,239 Speaker 1: emotional reaction and that low self esteem doesn't have to 625 00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:43,920 Speaker 1: be if we take the time to see these these 626 00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:50,080 Speaker 1: experiences as being external rather than due to internal personal factors. 627 00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:52,920 Speaker 1: And you know what, I believe in you, I believe 628 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:55,000 Speaker 1: in your journey. I know I've said it's so many 629 00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:58,560 Speaker 1: times in this episode, but every single time I have 630 00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:02,920 Speaker 1: felt rejection and found myself ruminating and stuck in a 631 00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:06,080 Speaker 1: negative loop, I always emerge from it not only like 632 00:38:06,080 --> 00:38:10,399 Speaker 1: a stronger version of myself, but with this incredible realization 633 00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:13,319 Speaker 1: that sometimes things don't work out because they weren't meant to, 634 00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:17,040 Speaker 1: and there's always another brilliant opportunity around the corner, something 635 00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:19,560 Speaker 1: better for you, even if you have to wait for it. 636 00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:23,360 Speaker 1: It's better to wait and be pleasantly surprised and happier 637 00:38:23,480 --> 00:38:27,279 Speaker 1: with that situation than kind of settle for something else. 638 00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:29,319 Speaker 1: You know, maybe that's to do with friends. Like you're 639 00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:31,360 Speaker 1: feeling like you don't really have a group of friends 640 00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:35,560 Speaker 1: right now, you're feeling rejected. Instead of trying to make 641 00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:38,399 Speaker 1: them like you and molding your behaviors to them, just 642 00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:40,960 Speaker 1: sit it out for a little bit. I'm sure there's 643 00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:43,960 Speaker 1: people around the corner who you can't force friendships with, 644 00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:47,120 Speaker 1: but they'll show up and they will love you. There's 645 00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:50,120 Speaker 1: more than one path to happiness. We said it, there's 646 00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:52,200 Speaker 1: more than one path to happiness. There are so many 647 00:38:52,719 --> 00:38:55,960 Speaker 1: solutions and other options for you to explore their actions 648 00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:58,960 Speaker 1: that you can take to better yourself, to better your 649 00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:04,440 Speaker 1: skills without necessarily deciding that you know that you're you're 650 00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:06,839 Speaker 1: terrible and you need to fix something like it's all 651 00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:09,680 Speaker 1: about a strength, strength based approach, Like you already are 652 00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:13,280 Speaker 1: amazing at this, You're already fantastic, So let's take those skills, 653 00:39:13,600 --> 00:39:16,840 Speaker 1: Let's take that you know, amazing personality attribute, you have, 654 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:20,040 Speaker 1: all that lovable attribute, and turn it into something even 655 00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:24,000 Speaker 1: more brilliant. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. 656 00:39:24,600 --> 00:39:27,879 Speaker 1: I really hope you enjoyed it. I really enjoyed researching 657 00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:31,800 Speaker 1: it as someone who has often dealt with rejection and 658 00:39:32,000 --> 00:39:36,440 Speaker 1: perhaps not always taken it the best way, blamed myself, 659 00:39:36,560 --> 00:39:40,760 Speaker 1: seeing myself as lacking something or deficient in something because 660 00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:45,880 Speaker 1: of it. It was so enlightening to have like this information. 661 00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:48,120 Speaker 1: I think that's the thing that I love doing with 662 00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:51,680 Speaker 1: this show is being able to make those educational and 663 00:39:51,719 --> 00:39:55,400 Speaker 1: psychological aspects of it so much more accessible, so that 664 00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:58,040 Speaker 1: we can have that kind of psycho education and that 665 00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:00,839 Speaker 1: knowledge of what we're going through. And I promise if 666 00:40:00,840 --> 00:40:04,359 Speaker 1: you're someone who's experiencing romantic or social rejection right now, 667 00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:08,360 Speaker 1: it's an opportunity. It's such an opportunity. There's going to 668 00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:11,080 Speaker 1: be something much better around the corner. I really do 669 00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:15,160 Speaker 1: believe it. As always, if you did enjoy this episode, 670 00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:18,000 Speaker 1: please feel free to leave it a five star rating 671 00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:22,600 Speaker 1: on Apple podcasts or Spotify podcasts, Samsung podcasts. I don't know, 672 00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:25,080 Speaker 1: I don't know why you're listening, but please feel free 673 00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:27,000 Speaker 1: to leave it a review if you feel cool to 674 00:40:27,040 --> 00:40:30,120 Speaker 1: do so. It really helps the show to grow and 675 00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:32,840 Speaker 1: to reach new people if you think that they would 676 00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:35,680 Speaker 1: like to hear this message and thank you so much 677 00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:40,160 Speaker 1: for your support recently. I'm like, I'm blown away. I 678 00:40:40,239 --> 00:40:42,319 Speaker 1: really don't know how to say thank you enough. There's 679 00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:44,960 Speaker 1: so many new people listening to the show, and I 680 00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:47,799 Speaker 1: know so many of you. A friend recommended this to you, 681 00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:51,919 Speaker 1: so thank you so much, and I'll be back next 682 00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:56,000 Speaker 1: week with a new episode. Have a lovely week.