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Speaker 1: Borning. Everybody's dj n V. Charlomagne the guy. We are

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Speaker 1: the breakfast Club. We got a special guest in the building.

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Speaker 1: She's back Nature Glover to Ave Welcome. Hey, how are you?

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Speaker 1: First of all, I am well, I'm excited. Okay, new

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Speaker 1: book coming out, Drama Free of Drama, Managing unhealthy family relationships.

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Speaker 1: You have no idea how on time this book is.

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Speaker 1: What does the title mean? Ah? What doesn't it mean?

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Speaker 1: What is an unhealthy relationship? It's anything that is problematic

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Speaker 1: and persistent. You know, It's not just childhood trauma. It's

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Speaker 1: also issues with in laws and lended families and some

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Speaker 1: of these cousins and all sorts of things. So what

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Speaker 1: made you write this book? Do you have some yes,

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Speaker 1: some problems in your family that you had to sort out? Ah? Well,

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Speaker 1: you know, I'm a therapist, so I help people with problems,

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Speaker 1: and I think we all to some degree have something.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be a big thing. It could

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Speaker 1: be a misunderstanding, but we need the tools. You know

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Speaker 1: what I thought about this week and I didn't even

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Speaker 1: tell Charlomagne it because it came to me when I

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Speaker 1: was Addy asked me a question when I was going

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Speaker 1: through problems in my relationship with my wife. I was

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Speaker 1: talking to my daughter at the time, she must have

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Speaker 1: been about sixteen, and I had cheated and I told

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Speaker 1: my daughter, and my daughter said, well, Dad, who told

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Speaker 1: on you? And at first I thought it was the

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Speaker 1: funniest thing, my daughter riding for me. And then I

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Speaker 1: thought about it, Am I setting a precedent where she

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Speaker 1: feels like it's okay, Like who told on you? Wasn't

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Speaker 1: like Dane about getting caught right, yeah, and and and

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Speaker 1: it affected me this weekend, and it hurt me. I

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Speaker 1: never thought about it, and I thought about it this weekend,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, damn, am I setting a precedent

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Speaker 1: where she feels like it's okay, where somebody's supposed to forgive,

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Speaker 1: like this is just what men do. And it really

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Speaker 1: bothered me. Like I cried this weekend because I was like, damn,

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Speaker 1: I did that. But at first I was like, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's my daughter, she's my ride to die, that's my

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Speaker 1: best friend. That's what we do. But then I was like, nah,

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Speaker 1: that's look a little light on this side because we

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Speaker 1: cried and it wiped it away a little bit. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I don't laugh at him. Name. So, so did you

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Speaker 1: go back and talk to your daughter and talk to

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Speaker 1: her about the moment you have with yourself? No, not yet.

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Speaker 1: She she's twenty one now, so she's a lot older

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Speaker 1: now and she understands a lot better. But you know,

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Speaker 1: when she was going through her teen years and she

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Speaker 1: was dating, I was I didn't think about it, But

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Speaker 1: then I said, I could have set her up for destruction.

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Speaker 1: I could have set her up for going down the

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Speaker 1: wrong route because of the way I handled it, and

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Speaker 1: you know, it was a problem. Yeah, we have to

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Speaker 1: stop this forgiving and forgetting culture. It's not healthy for

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Speaker 1: us because what I found is we're not forgetting and

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Speaker 1: we're not really forgiving. We are very upset and passive

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Speaker 1: aggressive in these relationships with people, and so there does

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Speaker 1: have to be wrong for them harming us and we're

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Speaker 1: still bothered. Yeah, what I love about this new book

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Speaker 1: is the you know, the fact that you're telling us

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Speaker 1: to set boundaries for you know, unhealthy families because you know,

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Speaker 1: people think just because they're your family, you owe them something.

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Speaker 1: You're obligated to answer their phone calls or a ghost

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Speaker 1: see them. I totally disagree with that concept. So so

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Speaker 1: why why our boundaries always such a focal point for

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Speaker 1: your books, because I think it is a folk point

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Speaker 1: for relationships. We have to create new expectations and with family,

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Speaker 1: we do give a lot of passes. It's like, well,

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Speaker 1: this is so and so so they should always answer

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Speaker 1: the phone when I call. Well, that person has a

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Speaker 1: job and the thing that they're doing right now is

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Speaker 1: more important than hearing about your court show or whatever

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Speaker 1: that is. You know. I think sometimes we have to

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Speaker 1: set a new standard within families, especially with a level

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Speaker 1: of awareness we have now. I think this is now

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Speaker 1: the time when people are more aware of Oh, I

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Speaker 1: don't have to call them back, I don't have to

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Speaker 1: visit them. We are woke and we are aware of

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Speaker 1: where we want to be and where we don't want

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Speaker 1: to be. Isn't that a bad thing? You know, because

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Speaker 1: it's your family should be your village, right, that should

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Speaker 1: be the people that you you know, lending an near

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Speaker 1: to or fall back on when things happen. And I

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Speaker 1: feel like a lot of times we're getting away from that,

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Speaker 1: We're getting away from the black family learning the black family, right.

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Speaker 1: Like you know, my grandfather would tell me about my

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Speaker 1: great grandfather and would tell me about my aunt, and

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Speaker 1: it was just so many different things that told us

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Speaker 1: our history. I feel like with that mentality that I've

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Speaker 1: seen a lot of people having, I'm feeling like we're

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Speaker 1: losing that a little bit, Like I ain't calling that

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Speaker 1: person back, I'm not close to that person, but we're

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Speaker 1: losing that lineage, that line to tell us where we

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Speaker 1: came from and how it was. You don't think I

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Speaker 1: would challenge that. I think when there's someone I want

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Speaker 1: to talk to, I call them back. I think in

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Speaker 1: families we have to think about not just being related,

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Speaker 1: but also relationship. And sometimes we are not calling people

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Speaker 1: back or we're not wanting to visit them because of

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Speaker 1: the lack of relationship and we're focused on, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: this is my blood. Well, we still have to have

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Speaker 1: something in common that we still have to have respect

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Speaker 1: for each other. We still have to be able to disagree.

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Speaker 1: So there are so many other factors. So I think

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Speaker 1: it's actually a calling to be a better person in

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Speaker 1: you relationships with your family members, to figure out, huh,

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Speaker 1: why might they not be calling me back, why don't

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Speaker 1: they want to visit, Why are they leaning more towards

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Speaker 1: these other things? It could be you know, something that

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Speaker 1: people need to address and not just say, oh, this

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Speaker 1: generation don't want to talk to anyone. Well, it's for

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Speaker 1: a reason, because we all like to talk and we

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Speaker 1: all like to be heard. So if someone isn't talking

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Speaker 1: to you, why how can you tell the difference between

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Speaker 1: like family dysfunction And that's just how we've always been. Well,

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Speaker 1: the norm can be normal for you and can still

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Speaker 1: be unhealthy. There are a lot of things that I hear,

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Speaker 1: you know, oh, we used to get beat or oh

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Speaker 1: you know, this is how my mom would talk to me,

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Speaker 1: and it's like, well, cussing you out. It can be

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Speaker 1: the norm in your family, but it's not healthy. And

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Speaker 1: so some of those things we have to think about

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Speaker 1: in general. Is this behavior that should be tolerated by anyone?

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Speaker 1: Is this behavior that I would except from a friend.

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Speaker 1: Is this behavior that I would see, you know, as

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Speaker 1: suitable from a partner, And we're not thinking about that.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes with family, we're giving a lot of passes and

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Speaker 1: we're saying, oh, my gosh, but this is well, you

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Speaker 1: still deserve to be treated a certain way. So, you know,

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Speaker 1: I think with family, we have to learn to exist

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Speaker 1: in those systems in a healthier way. What's the biggest

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Speaker 1: misconception you see when it comes to family. Some things

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Speaker 1: that people seem like they always go through or they

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Speaker 1: thought was a problem that we got to love people everyone.

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry that you have to like people. There you go.

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Speaker 1: I love a lot of people that I don't speak

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Speaker 1: too often, or that I may not like all of

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Speaker 1: their ways. But you know, I think loving and liking

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Speaker 1: is two different things. And with families, it's like you

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Speaker 1: have to like everyone. You have to talk to this cousin,

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Speaker 1: you have to you know, And it's I think a

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Speaker 1: family is like a class, right, Like when you start

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Speaker 1: a new grade, there's thirty people in your class. I

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Speaker 1: want to Detroit Public schools, it's thirty people in my class.

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Speaker 1: But it's thirty people in your class and maybe three

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Speaker 1: or four you vibe with, right. I think it's the

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Speaker 1: same with families. Like it's some people it's whatever their personality.

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Speaker 1: Your personality is, like this cousin, this and this uncle,

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Speaker 1: come on, y'all, and the rest of them. It's like,

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Speaker 1: oh no, they're all cool. I really like them. But

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Speaker 1: they are just certain people personality wise. And that's the

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Speaker 1: part we're not considering that there are people even with

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Speaker 1: your children, there are certain you know, certain kids you're

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Speaker 1: like this this my guy, you know, based on personality,

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Speaker 1: based on how much they seem to be like you

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Speaker 1: or interested in your life. My oldest daughter likes to

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Speaker 1: tell me that my my third daughter is my favorite,

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Speaker 1: and that bothers me. Is it true? I don't think so,

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Speaker 1: you know, but it's like I don't like it. I

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Speaker 1: don't think it's true. I think so don't because I

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Speaker 1: don't feel like I have a favorite child, and I'll

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Speaker 1: be trying to explain that to her and she does it.

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Speaker 1: Like like even yesterday, you know, my my third daughter

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Speaker 1: was trying to get them to look at something like

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Speaker 1: a picture she drew, and she was asking questions, what

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Speaker 1: do y'all think this is? And they were kind of

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Speaker 1: ignoring her, not on purpose, but they were having conversations

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Speaker 1: with each other, and I'm like, pay attention to what

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Speaker 1: she's saying, like, oh, you just wanted to pay attention.

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Speaker 1: That's your favorite child and that makes me hot. Did

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Speaker 1: your third daughter remind you of yourself? No, actually my

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Speaker 1: second daughter does. Okay, So I wonder, I wonder why

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Speaker 1: they're seeing this allegiance. I don't know, well, something's happening.

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Speaker 1: So something is happening. You may not be clear of

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Speaker 1: what it is, but it's something happening there, whether it's

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Speaker 1: like you're over at like pay attention to her, you

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Speaker 1: know whatever, with her, something is happening. I find that

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Speaker 1: with parents sometimes they will deny no, I don't have

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Speaker 1: a favor to know, I treat everybody to say when

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Speaker 1: clearly they are not. And that's okay because we don't

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Speaker 1: treat all people to say, and it's okay to recognize that, like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I am giving this person more attention because of X

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Speaker 1: Y Z or I notice that too, and you know,

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Speaker 1: maybe try to be fair or maybe not, you know,

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Speaker 1: but I think to deny it sometimes can be problematic

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Speaker 1: for the sibling relationship because I feel like that could

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Speaker 1: lead to an unhealthy family relationship amongst the siblings. I'm

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Speaker 1: playing favorites and I'm not, you know, I think that's

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Speaker 1: into everybody's family when they have when you have a

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Speaker 1: bunch of kids. So that was the only child, so

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Speaker 1: I didn't have to go through that. I was the

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Speaker 1: child like I was the favorite because there's nothing else.

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Speaker 1: But in any family like mine, it's like I catered

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Speaker 1: to my daughters more than my son's why because my

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Speaker 1: daughters catered to me. They're loving, they're cuddling with daddy.

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Speaker 1: If I get sick, they're gonna lay in bed and

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Speaker 1: rub Daddy's back. Then daddy's third daughter. That's what they do.

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Speaker 1: That's it, you know what I mean? The rest of

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Speaker 1: them like your dad, you're good, I see like, but

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Speaker 1: the rest of it, they're gonna lay the dead like

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Speaker 1: they're gonna they're gonna come for dad. And you take

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Speaker 1: a liking to that. Yeah, yeah, but do you acknowledge that?

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Speaker 1: Do you say that to them? Like you're right? And

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Speaker 1: this is why. So here's an opportunity for you to

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Speaker 1: come cuddle with me. Yeah, but you know what, and

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Speaker 1: this is gonna sound crazy. My son is a nineteen

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Speaker 1: year old football play. If he got in the bed

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Speaker 1: and cuddle with me, it was just feel awkward to

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Speaker 1: me like that. While Bro, we got six kids, yes,

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Speaker 1: three of them a cuddle age, but you referenced the

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Speaker 1: nineteen year old son. No, because my daughters come with me,

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Speaker 1: My son two, three, ter getting the bed and cuddle

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Speaker 1: with dad, my nine, my eight, my six, my my

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Speaker 1: one year old. But my nineteen. It would just feel

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Speaker 1: a little awkward. That's messed up, man. That's why men Field,

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Speaker 1: That's why we'd be so closed off and don't know

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Speaker 1: how to show emotions, you know what I mean? Get

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Speaker 1: that made a little cuddle time my son to day

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Speaker 1: with his armpit here on me, and it's like, that's

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Speaker 1: not gonna that's that's not That's horrible, bro, that's horrible.

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry. Let's talk about cycle breakers. Yes, now, that's

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Speaker 1: very important, especially when it comes to our dynamical family, right, yes, yes, yes.

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Speaker 1: Cycle breakers are people who are the first in their

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Speaker 1: family to do a thing, the first in their family

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Speaker 1: to to be rich, to go to college, to maybe

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Speaker 1: not go to college, to be married, um, all sorts

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Speaker 1: of things. And I think when you are a cycle breaker,

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Speaker 1: there is a lot of pushback from the people who

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Speaker 1: have not changed, from the people who are still in

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Speaker 1: you know, maybe some of those unhealthy relationships, because you know,

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Speaker 1: it's hard to see people do something that you couldn't,

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Speaker 1: or do something that feels like a threat to who

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Speaker 1: you are, or do something that you know makes you think, gosh,

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Speaker 1: am I supposed to change too. So being a cycle breaker,

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of their support comes from people

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Speaker 1: outside their family. Sometimes it comes from you know, that

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Speaker 1: chosen family, and may come from you know, some of

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Speaker 1: those other family members that you don't see as often.

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Speaker 1: It may come from watching TV shows and identifying with

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Speaker 1: you know, some influencer or all sorts of things. But

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Speaker 1: you know, I think cycle breaking is important. It's also

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Speaker 1: really tough because you have to figure out a way

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Speaker 1: to be supported. That's why you're an amazing authorentimating therapist

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Speaker 1: because you just be hitting things right on the nose

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Speaker 1: and it makes people not I feel crazy because everything

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Speaker 1: you just said it's true, even especially the fact of

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Speaker 1: having to find family outside of your family, that chosen family.

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Speaker 1: How important is chosen family? Oh my gosh, it's everything.

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Speaker 1: You know. In our families, we sometimes choose. Remember I said,

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Speaker 1: you know it might be these three people that you pick.

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Speaker 1: But you know, when we are outside of that family system,

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Speaker 1: we have the ability to go to work and say, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I really like this person, and I really like this person.

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Speaker 1: Come on, you're my family now. And we can do

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Speaker 1: that with our friends and it's just easier. The relationships

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Speaker 1: are based on not blood, but just how we feel

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Speaker 1: about each other. They're more authentic, and I think that

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Speaker 1: is the really important piece with the Chosen family. I

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Speaker 1: also wanted to discuss um giving families grace, giving your

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Speaker 1: family members grace, right, we talk about it all the time.

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Speaker 1: The way that our parents were raised. The world changes

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Speaker 1: so much the things that our parents say, what they

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Speaker 1: talk about, you know, from something small to how we

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Speaker 1: were raised to beatings back in the day. So do

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Speaker 1: you talk about empathy and grace when it comes to

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Speaker 1: family member because you said, you know, yeah, I messed

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Speaker 1: with you, and I messed with you. I don't really

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Speaker 1: messed with this family member. But this family member might

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Speaker 1: have been raised differently and that's the reason why you

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Speaker 1: don't like them. M Yes, I have a part in

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Speaker 1: a book where I talk about like how to stop

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Speaker 1: hating your parents, And that's all about grace because our

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Speaker 1: parents have a story and some of us know the

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Speaker 1: story and some of us do not. But I am

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Speaker 1: certain that it is the reason that they parented you

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Speaker 1: in a certain way. And when I think about, you know,

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Speaker 1: when my mother tells me stories about herself, I'm like,

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Speaker 1: oh girl, I see why, you know, because it's it's

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Speaker 1: not what I'm experiencing where it's different than what I'm experiencing.

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Speaker 1: So it's very easy as a child to have judgments

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Speaker 1: of people. You know, when we're kids, we think like,

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Speaker 1: this person should be doing this because they're an adult.

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Speaker 1: And as an adult, I'm looking like, oh, these adults

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Speaker 1: just as messy on social media as the kids, you know,

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Speaker 1: or these adults have the same issues that you know

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Speaker 1: they've had for a long time. So adults don't have

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Speaker 1: it figured out. They just happen to be parents. And

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Speaker 1: so we do have to think about, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: like people have so much stuff going on and we

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Speaker 1: have these expectations of them, and we have to start

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Speaker 1: to see them as people. I want to go back

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Speaker 1: to building support outside of your family, because you know,

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Speaker 1: you have a chapter in Johma Free when you talk

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Speaker 1: about that name, and like do you mean in like

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Speaker 1: absent of Like if your blood family isn't showing up

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Speaker 1: for you, should you build a family outside of that?

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Speaker 1: But what if you do have some blood family members

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Speaker 1: you rock with, should you still look to build a

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Speaker 1: family outside of them? All of it? I mean, is

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Speaker 1: there a such thing that's having too much love or

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Speaker 1: too many people? I don't think so. Yeah, So we

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Speaker 1: need blood family, chosen family, neighbors, all of it. Would

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Speaker 1: I would, I would accept it all. You know, I

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Speaker 1: think there are some folks who, unfortunately they don't have

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Speaker 1: that love and support in their family, and they have

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Speaker 1: to have, you know, a complete new family. But you know,

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Speaker 1: many people have a few people here and there, and

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Speaker 1: many people have everyone in their family. So it really depends,

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Speaker 1: but it is an important piece. I've also seen people

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Speaker 1: be very closed off to having anyone who's not a

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Speaker 1: blood relative around them, you know, isolating out. I don't

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Speaker 1: hang out with people because I only you know, I

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Speaker 1: only talk to my family was and not a lot

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Speaker 1: of nice people in the world. You may want to

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Speaker 1: include something that's right now, troubleshooting relationships with siblings. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I want to talk about that. So Charlomagne mentioned earlier

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Speaker 1: that his third was his favorite. I did not say that.

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Speaker 1: He didn't think almost think, how does that? Now? The

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Speaker 1: older daughter might hate or dislike the third one because

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Speaker 1: of that, but the third one really didn't really do anything.

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Speaker 1: Let's talk about that sibling aspectause Charloma, how many brothers

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Speaker 1: and sisters you have? H five? Well, five that I

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Speaker 1: grew up with. Two that my dad had outside of

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Speaker 1: five that I grew up with, And how your relationship

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Speaker 1: with are You're all good at this something that you

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Speaker 1: like more than the others. Don't put them on the spot.

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Speaker 1: You love everybody equally. Your heart is inside. So how

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Speaker 1: do you tell siblings to deal with that? You know,

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Speaker 1: I think it goes back to that. You know, it's

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Speaker 1: based on your personality. It's talk to Charlavan, Okay, it's

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Speaker 1: based on your personality. It's based on who you feel

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Speaker 1: you can have that authentic relationship with. And we don't

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Speaker 1: feel like that with everyone, even if they're related to us.

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Speaker 1: And with siblings sometimes a lot of that stuff that

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Speaker 1: happens in childhood you start to develop this idea of

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Speaker 1: you know, my parent build this person out, or my

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Speaker 1: parent did this and it was this person's fault, and

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Speaker 1: that does impact adult relationships. Another thing that I see

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Speaker 1: impacting siblings is when the oldest sibling had to be

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Speaker 1: a care or for the younger siblings and they have

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Speaker 1: this idea of like, this is my sister, but it's

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Speaker 1: my child. This is my brother, but this is my baby,

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Speaker 1: and you know here it is. You're forty and a

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Speaker 1: thirty five and you mother and them, and then there's

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Speaker 1: this issue of, well, they don't want your mothering anymore

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Speaker 1: now they want a sister. So how do we transition

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Speaker 1: out of that role and really into a sibling relationship.

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Speaker 1: You know, we can redefine our relationships with people at

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Speaker 1: any point and talk about some of the resentment if

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Speaker 1: there is a favorite child situation, because you're right, it's

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Speaker 1: not one child's thought that that happens. It's you know,

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Speaker 1: really based on the parents' choice. But it is easier

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Speaker 1: sometimes for them to be mad at the siblings. So

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Speaker 1: those are conversations to have. And I also think, you know,

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Speaker 1: you can't force sibling relationships right, Like I'm the second oldest,

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Speaker 1: but it's such an age gap between me and my

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Speaker 1: oldest sister, And it's such an age gap between my

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Speaker 1: two younger brothers and youngest so I loved them. We

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Speaker 1: didn't necessarily have that relationship growing up because everybody was

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Speaker 1: busy doing their own things. Like my two younger brothers

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Speaker 1: are super close because they close her in age. So

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Speaker 1: is it a parents job to like force those relationships

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Speaker 1: to have him? No? I think sometimes parents think they're

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Speaker 1: supposed to write like, you know, this is your brother.

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Speaker 1: Y'all have to stick together. This is your sister. You

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Speaker 1: have to stick together. But a lot of that is

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Speaker 1: just natural. You'll see small kids like I want to

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Speaker 1: hold my baby brother. I want and another kid might

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Speaker 1: be like, I'm going outside, you know. So how do

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Speaker 1: we allow people to select their people? So we shouldn't

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Speaker 1: force them because I forced my kids. Okay, Like I

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Speaker 1: have a nineteen year old and I have an eight

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Speaker 1: year old, and I would be like, when you go

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Speaker 1: to football practice, take your brother with you to let

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Speaker 1: him hang out with his brother, you know, man, And

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Speaker 1: my sound like caretaking to me. No, no, no, it's

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Speaker 1: not because I want him. I want him to experience

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Speaker 1: that because there's some things that I didn't say. I

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Speaker 1: didn't play football as a kid. My nineteen year old does,

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Speaker 1: and he's a good player. And I could tell that

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Speaker 1: my eight year old looks up to him as a

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Speaker 1: football player. So I'd be like, go out with your brother,

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Speaker 1: go play with your brother. Logan want to college next year?

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Speaker 1: How about he keeps saying nighteen in high school? No, no,

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Speaker 1: you go to college next year? Oh his birthday December

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Speaker 1: twenty eight. But that's what I do, even with you know,

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Speaker 1: with whatever it may be playing video games. I don't

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Speaker 1: play video games. My nineteen year old does, so I'd

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Speaker 1: be like, go in the room your brother. I forced

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Speaker 1: him to do it, and I noticed it keeps them close.

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Speaker 1: So now my my not my eight year old of

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Speaker 1: coming to my room, Bay Dad, can I sleep in

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Speaker 1: Logan's room? And I'd be like, go ask him? But

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Speaker 1: like he's starting to develop that bond where it is going,

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Speaker 1: so I kind of forced him to do it. Fostering

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Speaker 1: is the word you want to use, not force. You

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Speaker 1: help them foster a relationship by making these suggestions, and

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Speaker 1: it sounds like over time they have both grown to

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Speaker 1: appreciate that. Forcing is when you say take this kid

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Speaker 1: with you and they're like, oh, I don't want to

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Speaker 1: do it right. So you're helping them learn to have

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Speaker 1: a relationship together and that is healthy. Now and you're

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Speaker 1: forcing your children to be close. I think that's different.

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Speaker 1: It's it's not really closeness. It is you know, we

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Speaker 1: can do this while we're here, But when people leave

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Speaker 1: your home, like, how do you want those relationships to be?

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Speaker 1: And that's what you need to think about, Like if

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Speaker 1: you're forcing it, well, when they leave home and they're

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Speaker 1: out in the world. Who's going to force it then

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00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:27,040
Speaker 1: no one. There's no real closeness. So if you're fostering

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Speaker 1: it and they're both open to having closial relationships, then yeah,

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Speaker 1: But forcing it, I think is not necessarily my biggest

411
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Speaker 1: technique because my biggest fear and this is just me

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Speaker 1: something I got to work through. But I don't think

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Speaker 1: I'm never gonna get through. It is me not being there,

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Speaker 1: right so something happens to me or I'm not there.

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to create a type family that they can

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Speaker 1: look after each other. So my dad has two sisters,

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Speaker 1: right and to this day, my dad is eighty years old.

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Speaker 1: If something happens to one of his sisters, he is

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Speaker 1: there doctor's appointment. One lives in Virginia, one lives in Westchester.

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Speaker 1: He is there. And I love that relationship. When their

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Speaker 1: mom died, he became they all like protect each other.

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Speaker 1: At eighty they'll fight for each other. Right now, That's

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Speaker 1: what I'm trying to establish with this little tribe that

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Speaker 1: no matter what, you look out for each other. If

425
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:18,320
Speaker 1: something happens, this one has your back. You can call

426
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,040
Speaker 1: this one no matter what it may be. You know,

427
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:24,080
Speaker 1: that's what I try to establish with the family vibe. Well,

428
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:27,200
Speaker 1: I will say that it sounds like you have a

429
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:32,240
Speaker 1: healthy foundation where that is possible. I think some people

430
00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:36,320
Speaker 1: do not, and that's where you start to see a

431
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:40,240
Speaker 1: lot of that conflict and lack of closeness. Your kids

432
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:43,399
Speaker 1: have a two parent household. Your kids, it sounds like,

433
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,800
Speaker 1: have a lot of love, they have the support of

434
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:50,320
Speaker 1: each other. I think they'll be okay. I think they'll

435
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,359
Speaker 1: have that closest. I think there are other situations where,

436
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:57,000
Speaker 1: you know, when you think about some serious family issues,

437
00:21:57,080 --> 00:22:00,320
Speaker 1: people are like vying for very little attention from you know,

438
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:04,440
Speaker 1: an absent parent or a parent who is self absorbed

439
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:06,680
Speaker 1: in all of these sort of things. And so yeah,

440
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:10,400
Speaker 1: those sibling relationships are impacted. But when you have two

441
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,880
Speaker 1: parents showing up to be there for children, yeah, there's

442
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,959
Speaker 1: a higher likelihood that they will have that close One

443
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,600
Speaker 1: of the question or for that another question that people

444
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:22,240
Speaker 1: always ask and people talk about all the time is

445
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:26,560
Speaker 1: the closeness between mom and child. Right. People say you

446
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:29,200
Speaker 1: can't be your child's best friend, right, because that's the

447
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:30,960
Speaker 1: one thing people say, that's my best friend, my daughter

448
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:35,520
Speaker 1: is my best friends. I'm people people, but how do

449
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,800
Speaker 1: you feel about that, um when someone is a child.

450
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:42,400
Speaker 1: I don't think so, because it's one sided. You certainly

451
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,560
Speaker 1: wouldn't share, you know, with your child. Girl, we went

452
00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:50,440
Speaker 1: to the club, but not appropriate, mom. But you can

453
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:52,920
Speaker 1: listen to a lot of what your kid is saying,

454
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:57,959
Speaker 1: and you can give them some feedback and hopefully they

455
00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:00,920
Speaker 1: have a relationship where they trust being able to talk

456
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:04,919
Speaker 1: to you. I wouldn't necessarily call that a best friendship,

457
00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:07,359
Speaker 1: as much as I would say that is a healthy

458
00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:10,720
Speaker 1: relationship with your child. You don't want to be in

459
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:14,680
Speaker 1: a best friendship where you're oversharing with your child. Your

460
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:18,600
Speaker 1: child is hyper focused on your needs because you have

461
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:21,520
Speaker 1: so much stuff going on. That's where it gets a

462
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:23,879
Speaker 1: little murky. It's like, okay, what is this? What is

463
00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:28,119
Speaker 1: the definition of this best friendship? If it's you caring

464
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,520
Speaker 1: for your child and your child is just being open

465
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:33,240
Speaker 1: with you, okay, cool, that's best friendship for you. But

466
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:36,040
Speaker 1: if it's you know, this person is always here for

467
00:23:36,119 --> 00:23:38,920
Speaker 1: me where they're eight, you know they should not always.

468
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:44,720
Speaker 1: They shouldn't always be there for you. Find you some

469
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:50,240
Speaker 1: friends at work. But I think when kids get older,

470
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,080
Speaker 1: you know, and I don't even know if it's in

471
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:54,680
Speaker 1: their twenties. I think it takes a certain amount of

472
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,360
Speaker 1: living life for you to be able to start having

473
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:01,800
Speaker 1: those conversations where the parent can start to pull back

474
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:05,760
Speaker 1: a bit and not um, I don't want to say

475
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:10,440
Speaker 1: high so much, but not be as open because I

476
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:13,280
Speaker 1: think it's some stuff we can tell kids it's just inappropriate.

477
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:16,919
Speaker 1: And I think it's some things that twenty somethings can

478
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,560
Speaker 1: tell parents that's inappropriate. Like how healthy is it for

479
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,359
Speaker 1: a twenty something your old daughter to be talking to

480
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:25,680
Speaker 1: her dad about the sex life? For it, Like, I

481
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:28,000
Speaker 1: don't think I don't want to hear that. Well, maybe

482
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:33,440
Speaker 1: not details, but details knowing your daughter is sexual, sexually active.

483
00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:36,960
Speaker 1: I guess that's okay. Details, It depends on the father's

484
00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:40,840
Speaker 1: comfort line. Yeah, yeah, I see, I know what you're

485
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,320
Speaker 1: talking about because I don't want to be so that's it.

486
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:48,760
Speaker 1: That's all I agree with. This is a direct situation, okay, right, yeah,

487
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:52,760
Speaker 1: not amongst some things we've been over hearing. Now. You

488
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:55,320
Speaker 1: you refer to family as a cultural system in the

489
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:59,080
Speaker 1: book Drama Free. What does that mean? So families have

490
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,120
Speaker 1: their own things? You know, in your family it might

491
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:04,280
Speaker 1: be you know, when you have a baby, the baby,

492
00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:06,960
Speaker 1: go live with your grandma for three months, or you know,

493
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:11,000
Speaker 1: whatever your program is. It is how you learn to be,

494
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:14,760
Speaker 1: how you learn to exist. When we get married, we

495
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:19,920
Speaker 1: do this, when we whatever, this is what happens. It

496
00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:23,800
Speaker 1: is a whole culture. I think what's interesting is when

497
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,399
Speaker 1: we take our culture and we try to move that

498
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:28,679
Speaker 1: culture into the world. When we try to get married

499
00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:31,760
Speaker 1: and we try to get into relationships and we're telling

500
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,520
Speaker 1: our partner what's normal and they're like, no, this is

501
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,680
Speaker 1: what we did in my family. That's where you start

502
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,800
Speaker 1: to say like, oh, this is how my family was,

503
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:42,919
Speaker 1: and now we have to figure out a new culture

504
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:46,760
Speaker 1: for ourselves. We have to figure out a new way

505
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:49,680
Speaker 1: to engage because maybe neither one of those things work

506
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,480
Speaker 1: for us, and we need a new way of being.

507
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:54,720
Speaker 1: And that's when you start getting into you know, maybe

508
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:57,760
Speaker 1: the blended family and in law stuff. But yeah, we

509
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:01,359
Speaker 1: come with a system of you spoke about it with

510
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,520
Speaker 1: your with your dad and his siblings. Like the culture

511
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:09,240
Speaker 1: is you are close to your siblings. If something happens

512
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,160
Speaker 1: to them. Now, if one of your kids steps outside

513
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,920
Speaker 1: of that, it's like, oh my gosh, why is he

514
00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:17,639
Speaker 1: over here? Like not checking on his sisters or not

515
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:21,280
Speaker 1: doing this thing because the culture has already been established

516
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:24,639
Speaker 1: in your family and that expectation has been set, so

517
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,960
Speaker 1: you know the cultural The cultural piece is only problematic

518
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:31,280
Speaker 1: when somebody sort of breaks away from it and the

519
00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:35,440
Speaker 1: others disagree. Because for a lot of especially our families,

520
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:38,880
Speaker 1: it's more that I told you so, syndrome, right, thrown

521
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:40,520
Speaker 1: up as a kid is dad? Can I go there

522
00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:44,040
Speaker 1: and know why? Because I told you so? My wife

523
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:45,760
Speaker 1: is a little different. It took me a long time

524
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:47,600
Speaker 1: to get to it because I was the same way. Right.

525
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,919
Speaker 1: My dad's retired police officers, So that's what he did, right,

526
00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:51,320
Speaker 1: I told you so, why because he didn't want to

527
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:55,960
Speaker 1: tell me the reasons why. But my wife, My wife

528
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:59,320
Speaker 1: likes to have conversations, right. I don't like the conversations

529
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:02,399
Speaker 1: because it's if I tell you something to do it.

530
00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:04,919
Speaker 1: But my kids like, but why can't I? Well, why

531
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:06,720
Speaker 1: doesn't that make sense? And she'll sit there and have

532
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:09,440
Speaker 1: conversation with them all day. I guess it's a better

533
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:12,080
Speaker 1: way because they understand the reason why, and they don't

534
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:15,320
Speaker 1: leave being mad and don't leave being hateful. But it's

535
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:19,359
Speaker 1: just when it comes to that I'm a mom, so

536
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,680
Speaker 1: I do a little exploit and I also over talk

537
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,480
Speaker 1: to my dog so you know, get off of their

538
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:30,800
Speaker 1: go and the it's like sit could have helped. All right,

539
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:38,200
Speaker 1: I'm saying way too much. Never thankfully, um, but yeah,

540
00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:42,440
Speaker 1: I think with Kias it is hopeful sometimes to give

541
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:45,480
Speaker 1: them some reason. You know, kids are people, and it

542
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:48,159
Speaker 1: is hopeful for them to know why and how and

543
00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:52,200
Speaker 1: what this means because in the future, hopefully with that understanding,

544
00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:56,000
Speaker 1: they'll be able to tap into that conversation and say, oh,

545
00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:59,040
Speaker 1: this is why I shouldn't do that. Without that level

546
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:02,960
Speaker 1: of understanding, you may not know next time. So it

547
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:05,800
Speaker 1: can be helpful to just explain things. And that is

548
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:09,000
Speaker 1: a cultural shift, right when you come from just because

549
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:11,639
Speaker 1: I said so, well all the because I said souls

550
00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:14,199
Speaker 1: weren't healthy for us. We have some adults telling us

551
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:15,920
Speaker 1: stuff and it's like she did I know what she's

552
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:19,800
Speaker 1: talking about? You know. So so if somebody can explain

553
00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:22,439
Speaker 1: their why, sometimes it could be really helpful for them

554
00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:24,960
Speaker 1: in the future. And sometimes you will hear them talking

555
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:26,960
Speaker 1: to their friends and you're like, oh, those my words.

556
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:30,080
Speaker 1: So it helps. I want people to pick up the

557
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:32,040
Speaker 1: book Drama Freeze I don't want to, you know, give

558
00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:34,440
Speaker 1: too much away, but I love the Resisting the Urge

559
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:39,040
Speaker 1: to Operating Dysfunction chapter because sometimes I wonder, I don't

560
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:41,200
Speaker 1: think people can help it if they haven't you done

561
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:43,760
Speaker 1: the work to even recognize this is dysfunctional to them,

562
00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:47,280
Speaker 1: they just operating, you know, in normalcy. So what did

563
00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:50,160
Speaker 1: that mean? Resisting the urge to operate and dysfunction? And

564
00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:52,840
Speaker 1: if you don't know what's the function, it's learning to

565
00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:55,120
Speaker 1: be different. I think we have so many times in

566
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:59,280
Speaker 1: life where we are shown different things and it's up

567
00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:01,840
Speaker 1: to us to pick it up, whether that's visiting a

568
00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:04,520
Speaker 1: friend's house, see or something on TV. If we just

569
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:08,120
Speaker 1: process some of that information like wow, that's what they

570
00:29:08,200 --> 00:29:11,080
Speaker 1: do in their house, and have those conversations even with

571
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:14,200
Speaker 1: our siblings, with other family members, with our friends, you

572
00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:16,120
Speaker 1: will learn that some of the things that you are

573
00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:19,120
Speaker 1: experiencing they may be normal for you, but they are

574
00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:25,400
Speaker 1: not necessarily the healthiest. All right, we appreciate you for

575
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:29,120
Speaker 1: joining us this morning the book Drama Free and listen.

576
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:33,840
Speaker 1: This Wednesday, I'm gonna be in conversation with Miss Nature

577
00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:38,320
Speaker 1: Tuab Glover at the Bell House, Brooklyn, New York at

578
00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:41,400
Speaker 1: seven pm. Okay, it might be sold out already. I

579
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:44,840
Speaker 1: don't know. I think it's pretty sold out it is, right, Okay, well,

580
00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:48,040
Speaker 1: I guess from more information than tickets. Visit nadure tuab

581
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,240
Speaker 1: dot com. If it's sold out, don't worry about it,

582
00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:51,600
Speaker 1: but definitely go out there and pick up the book.

583
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,280
Speaker 1: Purchase a book. Drama Free A guy to managing unhealthy

584
00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:58,360
Speaker 1: family relationships. Always a pleasure talking to you. Thank you

585
00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:00,600
Speaker 1: for joining us this morning. Thank you. I'll ride as

586
00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:01,600
Speaker 1: the Breakfast Club. Good morning,