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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly

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Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

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Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

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Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

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Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you

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Speaker 1: love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is

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Speaker 1: not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with

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Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much

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Speaker 1: for joining me for session three sixty four of the

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our

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Speaker 1: conversation after a word from our sponsors. Why do friendship

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Speaker 1: breakups sometimes hurt more than romantic ones? How do I

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Speaker 1: women can't actually be good friends to one another? I'm

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Speaker 1: exploring all of these questions and so much more in

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Speaker 1: my book, Sisterhood Heels, now available.

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Speaker 2: In paperback at your local independent bookstore or at sisterhood

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Speaker 2: Heels dot com. Grab a copy for you and your girls,

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Speaker 2: and let's talk about it. This July, Therapy for Black

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Speaker 2: Girls is bringing our yearly Minority Mental Health Month celebration

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Speaker 2: in person to Atlanta, Georgia. Join us Thursday, July eighteenth

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Speaker 2: and Friday, July nineteenth as we shine a light on

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Speaker 2: mental health professionals and all those who dedicated their careers

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Speaker 2: to holding space for others. Our inaugural Holding Space for

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Speaker 2: Healers Therapists summits. We'll gather some of our favorite voices

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Speaker 2: in the field for workshops, seminars, and opportunities to connect.

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Speaker 2: You don't want to miss this, so secure your ticket

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Speaker 2: to wellness by visiting Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash Healers.

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Speaker 2: Happy Juneteenth, y'all, and happy almost first day of summer.

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Speaker 2: I hope this episode finds you enjoying a bit of

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Speaker 2: a slower pace and plotting on some ways to enjoy

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Speaker 2: the sunshine. I've been thinking a lot recently about some

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Speaker 2: of the ways that we get in our own way,

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Speaker 2: some of the things we do to make our lives

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Speaker 2: more difficult than they need to be, and wanted to

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Speaker 2: share some of my thoughts with you. So this list

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Speaker 2: is in no way exhaustive, and you know I'd love

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Speaker 2: to hear what you would add, but here are ten

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Speaker 2: truths for you to consider that just might make your

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Speaker 2: life a little easier. Number one, most people are not

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Speaker 2: thinking about you as much as you think they are.

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Speaker 2: It's not uncommon to get all up in our heads

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Speaker 2: about what we think other people are thinking about what

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Speaker 2: we look like, how we talk, what we're doing. But

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Speaker 2: the truth is that most people are not paying as

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Speaker 2: much attention to us as our minds would lead us

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Speaker 2: to believe. This preoccupation with how others feel about us

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Speaker 2: can keep us from making decisions that are aligned with

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Speaker 2: our true desires and can get in the way of

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Speaker 2: us asserting our needs. And remember, just because someone may

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Speaker 2: think a thing about you doesn't make it true. Number two.

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Speaker 2: Beating yourself up about a mistake you made doesn't erase

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Speaker 2: the mistake. You likely made the best decision you could

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Speaker 2: at the time with the information you had. Sometimes things

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Speaker 2: turn out as we expected, and sometimes, sadly, they don't.

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Speaker 2: It's okay to give yourself time to grieve the results

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Speaker 2: you expected, and when you're ready, take what is to

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Speaker 2: be learned from the mistake and figure out how to

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Speaker 2: do things differently the next time. Number three, if you

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Speaker 2: say you want something, you have to make space for it.

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Speaker 2: If you want to spend more time with family and friends,

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Speaker 2: you might not be able to be on every committee

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Speaker 2: at the church. If you're interested in getting that master's degree,

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Speaker 2: you're probably gonna need to open up a browser and

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Speaker 2: do a little bit of research. Be honest with yourself

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Speaker 2: about both your desires and your capacity. Don't work against

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Speaker 2: yourself by saying you want something but then not actually

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Speaker 2: clearing the space or doing the work to allow that

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Speaker 2: thing to happen. And if it's not, now, that's okay.

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Speaker 2: Just be honest with yourself. Number four, It's never too

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Speaker 2: late to say what you wish you would have said.

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Speaker 2: So you had big plans to finally say something to

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Speaker 2: your sister out how she's super critical of you, but

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Speaker 2: she left Sunday dinner last week without you saying a word.

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Speaker 2: Or maybe your coworker talked over you in the staff

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Speaker 2: meeting for the third time this month and you wanted

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Speaker 2: to call attention to it, but you didn't. It's not

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Speaker 2: too late. We often feel like there is only one

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Speaker 2: moment for us to share how we feel about something,

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Speaker 2: when the truth is that it's okay to share your

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Speaker 2: feelings at any point. If you miss the last opportunity,

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Speaker 2: create a new one. Create a new opportunity to share

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Speaker 2: with your sister how her comments make you feel, or

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Speaker 2: to let your coworker know that you actually weren't done

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Speaker 2: talking yet. Number five. Relationships that only thrive when you

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Speaker 2: are playing small are not relationships that are worth your time.

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Speaker 2: Everything's all good when you're available every time they're in

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Speaker 2: a crisis and when you're showing up to celebrate them,

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Speaker 2: But when when you ask for your needs to be

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Speaker 2: met or achieve a great thing in your life, it's crickets.

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Speaker 2: This is likely not a relationship that is a healthy

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Speaker 2: one for you. While we don't want to keep scores

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Speaker 2: in relationships, they should be reciprocal and they should not

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Speaker 2: leave you feeling as though your wins are not important,

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Speaker 2: or that your needs are always secondary to theirs. Number six,

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Speaker 2: you already have everything you need to achieve the things

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Speaker 2: you desire. You don't actually need another webinar or another

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Speaker 2: coach to go after the thing you've been wanting. Start

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Speaker 2: with the knowledge you have and the resources available to

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Speaker 2: you now to take the first step. Though we may

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Speaker 2: not want to admit it, sometimes our quest for knowledge

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Speaker 2: and constant need to research is really just self sabotaged

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Speaker 2: dressed up in acute outfit. Release yourself from the expectation

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Speaker 2: of perfection and just start. It's okay for the first

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Speaker 2: draft to be infinitely less polished than your final draft.

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Speaker 2: Number seven, Being awkward is better than being silent. Sometimes

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Speaker 2: we make situations harder for ourselves by trying to avoid

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Speaker 2: the awkwardness instead of just putting the awkwardness on the table.

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Speaker 2: For example, let's say you've moved to a new town

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Speaker 2: recently and there's a sister who seems pretty cool in

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Speaker 2: your dance class. You'd love to try to hang out

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Speaker 2: with her after class, but you're not sure if she'd

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Speaker 2: be open to it, and it feels really awkward to

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Speaker 2: even ask. What might it be like to go up

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Speaker 2: to her after the next class and say, Hey, this

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Speaker 2: is awkward, but I'm new to town and still trying to

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Speaker 2: connect with people here. Would you be open to grabbing

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Speaker 2: lunch after class next week? Now, there is a chance

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Speaker 2: that she could say absolutely not, but she might also say,

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Speaker 2: of course, I'd love to take you to my favorite

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Speaker 2: Mexican restaurant in the area and show you around. You

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Speaker 2: just never know if you don't ask, so ask, even

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Speaker 2: if it's awkward. Number eight, Asking for help is not

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Speaker 2: a sign of weakness, even if you've been made to

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Speaker 2: feel bad for asking, Even when someone told you that

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Speaker 2: you should be able to figure it out on your own,

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Speaker 2: even when someone said they were not interested in helping,

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Speaker 2: you are still worthy of assistance. And I really want

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Speaker 2: you to get more comfortable asking for more help. The

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Speaker 2: answer is to so many questions, you have the resources

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Speaker 2: to help you solve that thing you been struggling with,

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Speaker 2: maybe right on the other side of that email or

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Speaker 2: text message that you are afraid to send. It's okay

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Speaker 2: not to have all the answers, but don't be afraid

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Speaker 2: to ask someone who actually might have them. Number nine,

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Speaker 2: Be mindful of whether you are creating issues where none

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Speaker 2: existed before. Has your book given you reason to be

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Speaker 2: suspicious whenever there's a notification on their phone? Or is

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Speaker 2: that a holdover from your previous relationship. Did your best

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Speaker 2: friend not text you back because they're mad at you,

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Speaker 2: or did she fall asleep before she could respond. Sometimes

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Speaker 2: we respond to people in our life currently and it

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Speaker 2: has absolutely nothing to do with anything they've done, but

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Speaker 2: perhaps more to do with how others have treated us

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Speaker 2: in the past. Sometimes, when chaos intension has been a

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Speaker 2: starting place for relationships, we will unconsciously create it because

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Speaker 2: it's familiar. Be intentional about dealing with people as they are,

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Speaker 2: not as someone in your past was. And number ten.

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Speaker 2: You deserve to laugh and have joy even when things

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Speaker 2: are difficult. It can be hard to stay connected to

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Speaker 2: levity when it feels like there's so many awful things

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Speaker 2: happening around us, but our reserve of joy is what

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Speaker 2: allows us to get through the tough times. Watch the

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Speaker 2: funny movie Frolic with your friends, play your favorite songs,

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Speaker 2: and hold on to joy whenever you can find it.

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Speaker 2: What would you add to this list? Are there patterns

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Speaker 2: you've recognized in your own life that you think would

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Speaker 2: be helpful for others to be aware of. Share your

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Speaker 2: thoughts with us on social media using the hashtag tvg

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Speaker 2: and session, or at us in a post on either

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Speaker 2: end Insta Graham or TikTok. We're therapy for black girls

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Speaker 2: in both places, and don't forget to text two of

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Speaker 2: your girls right now and share this episode with them.

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Speaker 2: If you're looking for a therapist in your area, check

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Speaker 2: out our therapist directory at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com

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Speaker 2: slash directory. And if you want to continue digging into

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Speaker 2: this topic or just be in community with other sisters,

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Speaker 2: come on over and join us in the Sister Circle.

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Speaker 2: It's our cozy corner of the Internet designed just for

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Speaker 2: black women. You can join us at community dot Therapy

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Speaker 2: for blackgirls dot com. This episode was produced by Elise

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Speaker 2: Ellis and Zaria Taylor. Editing was done by Dennison Bradford.

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Speaker 2: Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week.

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Speaker 2: I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all

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Speaker 2: real soon. Take it care.

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Speaker 1: What's