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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of

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Speaker 1: Couch Talks, the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: that comes out every Wednesday, where I answer questions that

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Speaker 1: you guys sent into me at Catherine at You Need

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Speaker 1: Therapy podcast dot com. Catherine is spelled with A K

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Speaker 1: and R y n. By the way, I don't realize

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Speaker 1: how different my name is spelled than most people. When

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Speaker 1: I hear the name Catherine, I think if it spelled

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Speaker 1: like my name obviously, but most people don't spell it

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Speaker 1: that way. So K A t h R y n.

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Speaker 1: I have the bias, which we're going to be getting

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Speaker 1: into biased later today, but that like my name is

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Speaker 1: like the right way to spell Katherine. Well, I think

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Speaker 1: that's just because I've grown up with it, which also

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Speaker 1: leads me into a memory. I don't know if people

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Speaker 1: still do this. I think they do. But when we're

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Speaker 1: a little, like you would go like on a field

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Speaker 1: trip or to like a gift shop or something somewhere

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Speaker 1: on vacation, and they would have like key chains or

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Speaker 1: cups or the little necklaces stuff like that, and they

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Speaker 1: would have people's names. They never had my name spelled

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Speaker 1: the way I spell it. Is either K A T

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Speaker 1: H E R I N E or with a C

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Speaker 1: or Katie or something like that. I tried to change

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Speaker 1: my name to Katie and um like fifth grade for

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Speaker 1: like a week. Okay. Anyway, So now that we've gotten

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Speaker 1: through that, I feel like every time I record one

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Speaker 1: of these couch shocks, I'm just like, I just need

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Speaker 1: to talk to somebody the fields, like about in my

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Speaker 1: office alone all day, but I haven't. So before we

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Speaker 1: get into this, I always like to give a disclaimer that, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm answering questions that you guys send into me, but

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Speaker 1: this is not therapy itself, and this is just me

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Speaker 1: using my brain to try to answer some questions, and

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Speaker 1: a lot of times I even don't answer them completely.

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Speaker 1: I just ask you questions right back. So not therapy,

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Speaker 1: but a good way to get into therapy. Right So,

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Speaker 1: we always do two questions and I keep them anonymous.

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Speaker 1: So we're going to jump right into the first one. Cat,

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Speaker 1: I need help. How long do I hold onto my marriage?

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Speaker 1: I know that's a loaded question. It hasn't been good

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Speaker 1: for over three years and one and a half years

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Speaker 1: ago I started therapy. He decided after six months when

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Speaker 1: I talked about leaving, he would join me in sessions.

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Speaker 1: It continues to be rocky, and I feel more like

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Speaker 1: his roommate than his wife. Has been this way for

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Speaker 1: a year, and I feel defeated and really questioned what

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Speaker 1: I'm fighting to hold on for at this point. Thank you. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So this is a question that in no way I

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Speaker 1: can really answer for you, And I mean, I would

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Speaker 1: need so much more information to even make an assumption

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Speaker 1: of anything, including what in quotes not good even means

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Speaker 1: to you. And I honestly hesitated even talking about this

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Speaker 1: question and bringing it up on couch Shocks, but I

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Speaker 1: do think that it's a valid topic to touch on.

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Speaker 1: So what I'm trying to say is I cannot tell

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Speaker 1: you what to do, but I can talk about relationships

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Speaker 1: in general. So let's do that. I know I have

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Speaker 1: personally stayed in relationships much longer than I should have

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Speaker 1: in my past, and I can boil it down to

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Speaker 1: one thing. The fear of the unknown is much bigger

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Speaker 1: for me than the fear of what I do know.

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Speaker 1: I know what I'm getting into here in the present

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Speaker 1: with what I have, and to an extent, I can

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Speaker 1: handle it. I don't know what I'm getting into in

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Speaker 1: the future. So I don't want to take my chances

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Speaker 1: because well, why this might not be great in quotes, Great,

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Speaker 1: it's familiar, it's comfortable, and it meets in quotes some

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Speaker 1: of my needs, you know, Like that's kind of how

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Speaker 1: I've operated in the past. And I also believe that

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Speaker 1: humans really decided to make changes when the pain of

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Speaker 1: where they are becomes bigger than the fear of the unknown. Right,

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Speaker 1: so that whole thing that I just said has to

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Speaker 1: flip and turn on its head. Always say that, like,

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Speaker 1: you don't have to wait till your arm falls off

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Speaker 1: for from carrying fifteen bags of groceries into your house

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Speaker 1: at one time before you ask for help. You can

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Speaker 1: ask for help if you just have two bags, But

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Speaker 1: we wait until it's like so big and so bad.

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Speaker 1: So many of us also struggle with scarcity mindset, and

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Speaker 1: that means we will date and we will engage in

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Speaker 1: relationships with the mindset of there aren't a lot of

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Speaker 1: options out there for me. And that is why I

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Speaker 1: always say I don't believe that people accept the love

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Speaker 1: they deserve. I think people accept the love that they

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Speaker 1: think they can get, or the love that they think

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Speaker 1: that's available, and this is so dangerous. I think that

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Speaker 1: if uncertainty wasn't a thing, then we would leave relationships

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Speaker 1: that were unhealthy in a snap. Like if I knew

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Speaker 1: I would find somebody new in a year, maybe even

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Speaker 1: like five years, but I knew it would happen, leaving

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Speaker 1: an icky relationship wouldn't feel so scary. And this is

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Speaker 1: based on the assumption that we fear loneliness. So when

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Speaker 1: it comes to your question, I know I'm really not

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Speaker 1: even answering it, but I would really ask yourself what

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Speaker 1: keeps you in it and what do you desire more of?

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Speaker 1: And is it possible in that relationship? Is that are

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Speaker 1: the things that you desire more of possible in that relationship?

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Speaker 1: Those things may lead you to the right path that

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Speaker 1: doesn't always feel like the fun path or the easy path,

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Speaker 1: but the right path. So I really and my heart

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Speaker 1: is going out to you, and I'm glad that you're

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Speaker 1: in therapy and you're working on this stuff, and I

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Speaker 1: would just answer some questions honestly and see where it

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Speaker 1: leads you. Okay, second question, This may be a touchy

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Speaker 1: question or topic, but I love your podcast and I

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Speaker 1: think you're so relatable and present as a person I

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Speaker 1: would love to be my therapist except one thing. I

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Speaker 1: know you've talked about your faith in that you are

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Speaker 1: a Christian. My question is that, as a therapist identifies

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Speaker 1: as a Christian, how do you manage your own beliefs

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Speaker 1: with being non judgmental and not putting your bias on

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Speaker 1: other people you work with. I've been hesitant to go

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Speaker 1: to a therapist who states there a Christian because I

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Speaker 1: don't want their faith to play a role in my therapy. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I actually am very grateful for this question and full

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Speaker 1: disclosure right now. I I don't know who's listening to

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Speaker 1: this and what your thoughts were on that question, But

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Speaker 1: when I first read it, I had this initial defensiveness

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Speaker 1: come up in my body, And after I sat and

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Speaker 1: reread it, I was actually like, this is truly a

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Speaker 1: great question, and I'm not actually taking this personally. I

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Speaker 1: think this is awesome question and it's I mean valid,

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Speaker 1: especially nowadays when I feel like everybody is always trying

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Speaker 1: to convince the other person that they're right and there's

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Speaker 1: no room for like gray or middleness. So I think

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Speaker 1: this is a wonderful question and really important to talk about.

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Speaker 1: So I'm a therapist who has chosen to be public

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Speaker 1: on my website and in my life about my faith.

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Speaker 1: So sometimes I talk about it on Instagram or on

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Speaker 1: the podcast I've talked about it. And I really did

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Speaker 1: think about this before I did it, and and even

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Speaker 1: my practice is called three Courts Therapy, and the reason

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Speaker 1: I named it that is because my goal is to

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Speaker 1: help people integrate into healthy relationships with themselves, God and others.

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Speaker 1: Now I'm not saying who God has to be for you,

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Speaker 1: but that's part of like the full like top functions

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Speaker 1: of my my goals in my practices to help people

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Speaker 1: create better relationships with themselves, got in others. And so

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Speaker 1: it's called three Courts therapy. And I really thought about

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Speaker 1: that for a while before I like went public with

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Speaker 1: my name when I went out on my own, and

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Speaker 1: one of my goals as a therapist and a human

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Speaker 1: is to be as real and authentic as I can

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Speaker 1: be while still creating space to have a professional presence

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Speaker 1: and to have a professional relationships with clients. And so

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Speaker 1: I really sat with myself and I said, Okay, what

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Speaker 1: would be the most authentic thing for me to do

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Speaker 1: is to show up with that part of me. Now,

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Speaker 1: the thing about how I view the world and how

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Speaker 1: I relate to it is that I also recognize that

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Speaker 1: there is more than one way to do it. And

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Speaker 1: because there are so many different kinds of humans in

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Speaker 1: the world, I realized that there's not a one size

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Speaker 1: fits all approach to living a full life. So, yes,

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Speaker 1: I am a Christian and I have a faith, and

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Speaker 1: I have a certain kind of relationship with God. I

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Speaker 1: also recognize that the way I do, even the way

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Speaker 1: I do my relationship with God, let alone like the

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Speaker 1: fact that I'm a Christian, I think there's more than

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Speaker 1: one way to have a relationship with God. So if

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Speaker 1: someone wants to explore Christianity, we do that. We definitely

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Speaker 1: do that. But as a therapist, my role is actually

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Speaker 1: never ever to tell somebody what to do or what

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Speaker 1: not to do unless their safety is at risk or

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Speaker 1: at stake. And there are counselors who will market themselves

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Speaker 1: as Christian counselors. I am not that, and that is

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Speaker 1: not me, and I honestly don't feel equipped to do

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Speaker 1: that anyway, norther do I have any interest in doing that,

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Speaker 1: and we're being that. So I do have my own

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Speaker 1: beliefs and I have my own bias about the world. Again, yes,

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Speaker 1: but I also make sure that I'm processing those things

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Speaker 1: outside of my client space so I can show up

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Speaker 1: as a safe and as neutral sounding board as I

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Speaker 1: can be. And I do that through a multitude of ways,

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Speaker 1: and one of those things is my own therapy and

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Speaker 1: supervision and in talking with other professionals and stuff like that.

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Speaker 1: So nevertheless, some of my own stuff will come up.

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Speaker 1: For example, the way I phrase things might be rooted

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Speaker 1: in a belief shaped by my faith. You're also going

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Speaker 1: to get that with any therapist, because everybody has their

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Speaker 1: own way of viewing the world right and making sense

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Speaker 1: of the world, and so their language is going to

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Speaker 1: be shaped by their way of viewing the world. We

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Speaker 1: all have our own twists and styles of doing our work.

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Speaker 1: And I fundamentally believe that having some sense of a

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Speaker 1: higher power, be at the door knob or the wind,

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Speaker 1: or the same God that I believe in, or Buddha

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Speaker 1: like whatever. I don't really care, carpet, the ground, the earth,

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Speaker 1: don't whatever it is. I do think that having some

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Speaker 1: sense of a higher power is essential in our healing,

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Speaker 1: and it is essential in how we are able to

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Speaker 1: make sense of the world and the things that happen

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Speaker 1: to us around us and for us with us. However,

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Speaker 1: like Tera and I talked about in our spirituality episode,

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Speaker 1: higher power often represents a form of unconditional love belonging

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Speaker 1: in support. For me, that is God. I find a

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Speaker 1: lot of hope in my faith, and it really works

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Speaker 1: well for me. I've seen other ways work for other people.

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Speaker 1: Just because I believe my way is right for me,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't mean I'm going to force it on you,

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Speaker 1: and I don't think that would be right. I don't

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Speaker 1: think we find faith and hope and healing by somebody

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Speaker 1: forcing it on us. Also, it's not my job. This

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Speaker 1: is really important. It's not my job to create my

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Speaker 1: client's goals, right. My job is to help someone reach

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Speaker 1: their goals. So I will totally refer a client out

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Speaker 1: who has a goal that I cannot be in line with,

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Speaker 1: or if they have a goal that I can't help them.

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Speaker 1: Coming from a space of non judgment, it would be

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Speaker 1: unethical for me to work with that kind of client.

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Speaker 1: And if I didn't feel like I could help because

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Speaker 1: of my beliefs, I'm going to refer that client out.

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Speaker 1: And you know, some of you guys might be thinking, well,

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Speaker 1: wouldn't faith fall into that, Not necessarily for me, because

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Speaker 1: my faith doesn't come into the room with me um

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Speaker 1: in that way. And the other thing is like, which

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Speaker 1: is kind of cool. You don't have to like my style,

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Speaker 1: and you don't have to like other therapist styles, and

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Speaker 1: I don't have to like other therapist styles. So if

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Speaker 1: you don't want a therapist who's a Christian, that's actually okay,

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Speaker 1: Like there's nothing wrong with that, and that's allowed to

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Speaker 1: be a deal breaker for you. It's allowed to be

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Speaker 1: a deal breaker. Also that like, if they have they

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Speaker 1: have to be a Christian, Like, it's okay to want

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Speaker 1: a therapist who aligns with the same background as you.

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Speaker 1: In that way, I think it can it cannot matter,

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Speaker 1: and also can matter. And I will say for me,

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Speaker 1: when I went back to therapy about four years ago,

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Speaker 1: that was one of the things that I really wanted

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Speaker 1: because that's something that I wanted to talk about in

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Speaker 1: my sessions. So this was a really long winded way

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Speaker 1: to answer that question, and I hope that I answered

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Speaker 1: it in a way that that made sense and was helpful.

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Speaker 1: So all that to say, therapists are trained to be

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Speaker 1: able to leave their stuff at the door, like literally,

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Speaker 1: we're trained to do that. And also we're humans, so

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Speaker 1: there's going to be an ounce of that coming through

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Speaker 1: no matter what, whether it's the language we use or

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Speaker 1: or whatever. And you're allowed to look for a therapist

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Speaker 1: that is very specific to your needs. We're not. So

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Speaker 1: that wraps up this episode of couch Talks. If you

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Speaker 1: haven't listened to the episode on Monday, it was awesome.

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Speaker 1: It was with Melanie Reese, who's a therapist in Nashville,

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Speaker 1: and we talked about love, addiction and get ready because

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Speaker 1: the episode on next Monday is really good. I'm really

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Speaker 1: into it. Also, thank you for all those in support

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Speaker 1: of my new venture, car Talks, which is where I

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Speaker 1: just randomly talk about things in my car. I need

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Speaker 1: to wrap this up, so I hope you guys are

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Speaker 1: having the week you need to have and I'll talk

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Speaker 1: to you later