WEBVTT - Encore: Melissa’s Stifled Emotions One Year Later

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<v Speaker 1>I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm the author of Maybe You Should

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<v Speaker 1>Talk to Someone, and I write the Dear Therapist advice

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<v Speaker 1>column for the Atlantic.

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<v Speaker 2>And I'm Guy Wench. I'm the author of Emotional First Aid,

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<v Speaker 2>and I write the Dear Guy advice column for Ted.

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<v Speaker 2>And this is Dear Therapists. This week we're going to

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<v Speaker 2>check in on our guests from season two to hear

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<v Speaker 2>how they're doing a year later.

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<v Speaker 1>First, a quick note, Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only.

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<v Speaker 1>It does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and is

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<v Speaker 1>not a substitute for professional healthcare advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

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<v Speaker 1>In the sessions you'll hear, all names have been changed

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<v Speaker 1>for the privacy of our guests.

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<v Speaker 2>So today we're catching up with Melissa, and her episode

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<v Speaker 2>was called Melissa's Stifled Emotions. When we spoke to her

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<v Speaker 2>a year ago, she described that she would get overwhelmed

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<v Speaker 2>when her kids had a meltdown and got loud, and

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<v Speaker 2>that noise made her really shut down and be unable

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<v Speaker 2>to be there for her kids in a moment, to

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<v Speaker 2>read assure them, or to validate them, or to help

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<v Speaker 2>them manage their emotions because she was so overwhelmed. She

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<v Speaker 2>also had a history of trauma, and she wasn't making

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<v Speaker 2>the connection between her reaction to intense feelings and noise

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<v Speaker 2>and how she freezes and associates in the moment. We

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<v Speaker 2>also suggested that her husband, who she said was on

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<v Speaker 2>the autism spectrum, might be expressing his love for her

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<v Speaker 2>in ways she might be missing, and that while she

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<v Speaker 2>wished to be emotionally closer to him, she maintains an

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<v Speaker 2>emotional distance from him too. So let's get a reminder

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<v Speaker 2>of how that session went.

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<v Speaker 3>It's funny because he's way more expressive in terms of

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<v Speaker 3>saying he loves me, like I have a hard time

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<v Speaker 3>saying I love you back. You know. I think it's

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<v Speaker 3>easier in hindsight, but many times it is in a

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<v Speaker 3>moment but I'm frozen, or because I feel like almost

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<v Speaker 3>a repulsion to the child, like just get away from me,

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<v Speaker 3>just go away, leave me alone.

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<v Speaker 2>You're listening to deo therapists. We'll be back after a

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<v Speaker 2>short break.

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<v Speaker 4>So let's hear what's going on with Melissa.

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<v Speaker 3>Now, Hey, Laurian, guys, it's been a whole year, and

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<v Speaker 3>I think I've gained a lot since the last time

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<v Speaker 3>we had spoken. The first thing you had me do

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<v Speaker 3>was to notice in my relationship with my husband when

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<v Speaker 3>love is coming towards me, to be aware of it

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<v Speaker 3>and to notice it. And I think I've been much

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<v Speaker 3>more aware of the things that he does and I

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<v Speaker 3>translate them as love. And even if he doesn't say

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<v Speaker 3>the right words with it, and even if he doesn't

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<v Speaker 3>do the eye contact and the things that I really want,

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<v Speaker 3>I recognize it as love. And I also noticed that

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<v Speaker 3>I do that with connection. The truth is, I think

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<v Speaker 3>I wasn't aware that people aren't connecting with me, and

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<v Speaker 3>I just haven't been noticing. A definitely added to my

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<v Speaker 3>life this past year. My father died suddenly, and I

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<v Speaker 3>think I had to just reevaluate the love that he

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<v Speaker 3>had for me. He had aspergers, and you know, just

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<v Speaker 3>like my husband, he's more limited on what he can

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<v Speaker 3>say and express. And yeah, it's definitely been a year

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<v Speaker 3>with relationship to my children, who had asked me to

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<v Speaker 3>not try to comfort them in the moment because it

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<v Speaker 3>was too overwhelming to kind of come back to them

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<v Speaker 3>when they calm down and talk about their feelings. And

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<v Speaker 3>I've honestly, really really really struggled with it. Not because

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<v Speaker 3>I don't want to be there for them just because

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<v Speaker 3>it's extremely overwhelming. It's highly triggering for me, I realized,

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<v Speaker 3>because I have so many repressed emotions myself, like or

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<v Speaker 3>that I was never allowed to show, and when they

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<v Speaker 3>show it, it's you know, alarming, overwhelming, feels wrong. So

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<v Speaker 3>I still struggle a lot emotionally validating my children. I

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<v Speaker 3>have been seeing a therapists regularly, pretty intense work. We're

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<v Speaker 3>doing for almost a year now. We're healing my attachment

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<v Speaker 3>trauma and learning my patterns, my avoidance. I feel it's

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<v Speaker 3>allowing me to be more emotionally present to myself. I

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<v Speaker 3>think that is key, being able to feel my emotions

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<v Speaker 3>because I didn't allow myself to do so for so long.

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<v Speaker 3>It wasn't safe. So I've gained a tremendous amount of

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<v Speaker 3>awareness of done a bunch of healing modalities, a lot

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<v Speaker 3>of mindfulness courses, healing retreats. I've even dabbled in psychedelics.

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<v Speaker 3>I tried ayahuasca to help me yeah clarity, but I

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<v Speaker 3>think the answer really lies in me. So I'm working

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<v Speaker 3>on things, and I wanted to thank you so much

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<v Speaker 3>for your guidance. I still reflect upon much often, and

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<v Speaker 3>I hope to continue working on things.

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<v Speaker 1>First of all, our condolences to Melissa on the death

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<v Speaker 1>of her father. It sounds like it's been a really

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<v Speaker 1>challenging time for her, and at the same time, it

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<v Speaker 1>sounds like it's been a really healing time for her.

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<v Speaker 1>I love how she is very aware of this lack

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<v Speaker 1>of connection that she has been feeling and her own

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<v Speaker 1>role in that in terms of her inability to take

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<v Speaker 1>in the connection and her own fears of getting close

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<v Speaker 1>to people rooted in that trauma that she experienced growing up.

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<v Speaker 1>And I think when she taught about the difficulty that

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<v Speaker 1>she's still having with her children, it's very hard for

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<v Speaker 1>people who have had significant trauma, like Melissa has to

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<v Speaker 1>self regulate, and you need to regulate yourself before you

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<v Speaker 1>can be there to help your children self regulate, and

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<v Speaker 1>so it's still hard for her to be emotionally present

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<v Speaker 1>with them. And I remember her relationship with anger was

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<v Speaker 1>that when she was growing up, she was not only

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<v Speaker 1>unable to express anger, but her parents would have these

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<v Speaker 1>extreme reactions where they would grab her from behind and

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<v Speaker 1>yell at her, and.

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<v Speaker 4>It was so frightening.

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<v Speaker 1>So I can see why those big feelings those intense

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<v Speaker 1>feelings that other people have are very triggering for her still.

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<v Speaker 1>But it's great that she's working on all this in

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<v Speaker 1>therapy and is becoming really aware of those connections.

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<v Speaker 2>Now I agree, and this is what it looks like

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<v Speaker 2>when somebody is really really working on themselves. And that's

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<v Speaker 2>theresion I had a year ago, and that's the impression

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<v Speaker 2>I still have today. This is a woman who is

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<v Speaker 2>determined to work on herself and to improve. She's really

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<v Speaker 2>willing to try so many things, the healing retreats, the psychedelics,

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<v Speaker 2>so many different approaches to try and get herself to grow.

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<v Speaker 2>And I really applaud that, and I applaud her motivation.

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<v Speaker 2>It's the thing that comes across so strongly from her.

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<v Speaker 2>The one thing that she's really struggling with still is

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<v Speaker 2>being there for her kids when they are loud and emotional.

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<v Speaker 2>It still disregulates her, It triggers her, it floods her,

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<v Speaker 2>and she has a very hard time being there for them.

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<v Speaker 2>One thing I would like to suggest, Melissa, if you're listening,

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<v Speaker 2>is to do it in stages. Perhaps one thing you

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<v Speaker 2>can do once you're calm is to tape a voice

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<v Speaker 2>message to your kids about what you would have said

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<v Speaker 2>in that moment, and then you can play that for them,

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<v Speaker 2>and that might be easier for you, And when that

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<v Speaker 2>gets more comfortable than you might want to consider doing

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<v Speaker 2>that face to face, or maybe even doing it in

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<v Speaker 2>writing and reading it to them, but doing it in

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<v Speaker 2>a way that you can slowly manage the big emotions

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<v Speaker 2>and the triggering and the flooding that happens to you

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<v Speaker 2>in that moment, but still try to be there for them,

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<v Speaker 2>even if it's in a delay, even if it's in

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<v Speaker 2>a voice message.

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<v Speaker 1>I think that's a great idea, guy, And I also

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<v Speaker 1>thinking about how it's very confusing for kids when their

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<v Speaker 1>parents can't respond to their feelings, and sometimes transparency helps

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<v Speaker 1>them to feel less alone in their feelings. So when

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<v Speaker 1>Melissa was talking about working on her feelings and therapy,

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<v Speaker 1>I think what she's really talking about is making friends

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<v Speaker 1>with her feelings. That she has always thought that feelings

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<v Speaker 1>are the enemy, because when she was growing up, when

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<v Speaker 1>there were big feelings, it led to abuse, and she

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<v Speaker 1>gets very very triggered immediately by that. I wonder, when

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<v Speaker 1>the kids are, you know, the ones who are old enough,

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<v Speaker 1>if she could say to them, you know, I'm really

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<v Speaker 1>working on what I do when I have.

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<v Speaker 4>Big feelings and when you have big feelings.

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<v Speaker 1>Sometimes I have big feelings too, and sometimes I need

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<v Speaker 1>to take a minute and take some breaths. And I

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<v Speaker 1>wonder if that's something we can do together. Maybe we

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<v Speaker 1>can all take some breaths together, just so that they know, Hey,

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<v Speaker 1>mom's having some big feelings too, but she's working on that.

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<v Speaker 1>She knows that there's something she can do with them.

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<v Speaker 2>I love that, and I think it's such an important

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<v Speaker 2>message because if she can share with her kids the

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<v Speaker 2>fact that, yes, I struggle with these things and I'm

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<v Speaker 2>working on myself in order to get better at them,

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<v Speaker 2>and this is true for life kids. When you struggle

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<v Speaker 2>with certain things and you identify that, then you also

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<v Speaker 2>can start working to improve those things. I think it's

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<v Speaker 2>such a great message.

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<v Speaker 1>And the message that they get when she does this

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<v Speaker 1>is feelings are okay. All feelings are okay. How we

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<v Speaker 1>manage them is what we need to work on. So

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<v Speaker 1>you can be angry, how do we talk about that?

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<v Speaker 1>You can feel sad? How do we talk about that?

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<v Speaker 1>You can feel anxious? How do we talk about that?

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<v Speaker 1>So all the feelings are okay? But as I'm learning

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<v Speaker 1>how to deal with my feelings, I want to help

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<v Speaker 1>you learn how to do that too. This is something

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<v Speaker 1>that we all need to learn how to do in life,

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<v Speaker 1>is we're all going to have feelings and then what

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<v Speaker 1>do we do with that?

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<v Speaker 2>And for Melissa specifically and her husband and her kids,

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<v Speaker 2>if that is a discussion they can have as a

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<v Speaker 2>family and a project that they can have as a family,

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<v Speaker 2>that would be amazing because it's something I think they

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<v Speaker 2>would all benefit from. Next week, a woman with a

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<v Speaker 2>difficult mother wonders if there's a way to interact with

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<v Speaker 2>her that wonet caused so much pain.

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<v Speaker 5>She was saying that she'd always trying to be a

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<v Speaker 5>good mother.

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<v Speaker 3>I felt very poked.

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<v Speaker 5>She kept poking at it, and she'd talk quite defensively

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<v Speaker 5>about why she can have done better what was going

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<v Speaker 5>on for her at the time.

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<v Speaker 1>If you're enjoying our podcast, don't forget to subscribe for

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