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Speaker 1: I refuse to let a pig cop go poo poo

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Speaker 1: and almost went to jail.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, make that cop poop his bed, So then he's

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Speaker 2: gonna have to do the no pants dead and then

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Speaker 2: he's gonna get arrested for public in decency's right.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, pink pink.

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Speaker 1: So I was working at a subway a few years ago.

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Speaker 3: Oh yeah, that foot long, big daddy subway. Spread it

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Speaker 3: in my face. But piece is so lumi right near

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Speaker 3: my mouth. Pack in moods shooting that mannaise.

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Speaker 1: That sweet sweet spicy mayo.

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Speaker 3: Oh that's icy mayo juice in my mouth.

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Speaker 1: That sounds so disgusting on all levels.

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Speaker 3: Eat it up, Eat it up, Eat him up, Eat

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Speaker 3: him up. Reese's bus.

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Speaker 1: And a few years ago, a man came in with

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Speaker 1: his wife and his two children. Yeah they did. Yeah, man,

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Speaker 1: I had all four sandwiches. Started when the man started

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Speaker 1: to ask for the to the bathroom. Now, the policy

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Speaker 1: was you had to make a purchase in order to

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Speaker 1: get the bathroom code. Smart makes sense, good policy, But

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Speaker 1: by the way he was doing the potty dance, so

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Speaker 1: it seemed pretty apparent that this guy needed to go.

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Speaker 3: It sounds it seems like in all signs are pointing

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Speaker 3: towards the bathroom.

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Speaker 1: Obviously, either he or his wife will pay for the

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Speaker 1: four sandwiches I've already started. So I let him go.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, let him go.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, let him shit right on the floor.

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Speaker 3: Actually, no, let him approop right there. That's right, clean

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Speaker 3: up on an ais old subway. Three.

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Speaker 1: That'll teach you to want to use the bathroom in

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Speaker 1: my subway.

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Speaker 3: There, use the bathroom subway. This is the way of

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Speaker 3: the sub not the way of your your feces on

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Speaker 3: the floor. If I wanted phixi's on the floor, I

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Speaker 3: would go to an orangutan exhibit.

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Speaker 1: Keep your bowels to yourself, sir.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Now, the next day, my boss sits me down and

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Speaker 1: lectures me about how the code is on the receipts.

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Speaker 1: For a reason, she even watched the tape to see

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Speaker 1: me give the man the code.

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Speaker 3: Man, I have to go to the bathroom, dude, let

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Speaker 3: him Let him go bath What a stickler. It's like, oh, dude,

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Speaker 3: this person sounds like the teacher. That's like, you can't

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Speaker 3: go to the bathroom more than once during a like

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Speaker 3: the lecture or whatever. It's like, bro, if you got

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Speaker 3: to go this guy's got like, you know, diarrhea, he's

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Speaker 3: got irto bowl symdrome. Let him poop where he wants.

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Speaker 1: As a kid, I totally like, I'm like, hurry, I

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Speaker 1: just gotta not use the bathroom at all, and I

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Speaker 1: can I'm not allowed.

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Speaker 3: It's it's so stupid, giving us bladder cancer for real,

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Speaker 3: trying to teach us about US history. But how about

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Speaker 3: the history of freedom in America? To piss where I

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Speaker 3: want to piss?

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Speaker 1: How about opening my butthole on my whole intestines falling

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Speaker 1: out because you maybe hold it all in.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I got that. Teach with that. That'll teach you.

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Speaker 1: That's right. And my boss tells me, I don't care

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Speaker 1: who it's for, whether it's your friend or family, whatever

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Speaker 1: you name it. You do not give out the code

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Speaker 1: under any circumstances.

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Speaker 3: All this manager sucks.

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Speaker 1: Later on that night, I was working by myself when

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Speaker 1: some guy in a trench coat and greasy long hair

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Speaker 1: came in the side door and said, hey man, somebody

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Speaker 1: got seriously fed up outside.

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Speaker 3: This is so weird, weird, Like I like, like the

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Speaker 3: trench coat, the greasy hair, I'm kind of imagining like uh,

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Speaker 3: like you know, grease with their movie. Yeah, I mean

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Speaker 3: imagine or or am I imagining like Neo?

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Speaker 1: I was imagining servers snape.

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Speaker 3: I have changed someone in in a hallway, causing a

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Speaker 3: rock ash.

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Speaker 1: A long line of customers waited for me while I

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Speaker 1: subtly grabbed the bread knife. It's sharp a f oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: about to cut this guy's myself slice that was your penis.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like got a freaking katana. That's right, about

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Speaker 3: to go.

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Speaker 1: What is it?

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Speaker 3: It's ninja on your ass. It's like a like a

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Speaker 3: ninja sword, a ninja sword. Okay, okay, samurai. So I

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Speaker 3: took my bread knife and I went around a check.

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Speaker 3: I love how he takes the bread knife like that's

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Speaker 3: gonna really helpful, ne'er do well.

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Speaker 2: I have used this to cut so much bread in

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Speaker 2: some way, and so much meat.

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Speaker 4: Your meat is just on my kit list. Right here,

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Speaker 4: you're looking like a loaf fresh out the oven, and

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Speaker 4: you're about to meet your make chop your ass. I'm

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Speaker 4: a subway artist about to gonna make some art out

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Speaker 4: of your skin.

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Speaker 1: Dude. I love how they're called sandwich art. It's really

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Speaker 1: an incredible thing.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm a mix between a sandwich artist and Hannibal

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Speaker 3: Elector and you're on the menu or the menu.

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Speaker 1: Now, it wasn't the best part of town, so you

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Speaker 1: never know with people anyways. As trench coat Man stated,

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Speaker 1: someone was seriously left up outside.

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Speaker 3: What happened?

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Speaker 1: His face had red stuff dripping all over it, and

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Speaker 1: he was just a complete mess.

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Speaker 3: As advertised.

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Speaker 1: I called nine to one one and went back to

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Speaker 1: making some good old sandwiches. It's like, well, I was

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Speaker 1: about to shank this, shake this motherfucker.

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Speaker 3: My man's making minimum wage. He's not about to fucking

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Speaker 3: like you'd play like. He's not about to be vengeance.

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Speaker 3: Batman is shit out of the subway. Although he he

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Speaker 3: was like he was, he.

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Speaker 1: Was ready for action. He came looking for the trouble.

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Speaker 1: I respect it now. Sometime later a few cop cars

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Speaker 1: showed up in an ambulance as well. They were doing

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Speaker 1: their business outside, and then one of the officers comes

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Speaker 1: in and asks to use the bathroom code, and.

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Speaker 3: He's like, this is for customers only.

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Speaker 1: No, we're about to find out. Like six hours earlier,

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Speaker 1: my boss had told me to not give, under any

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Speaker 1: circumstances the bathroom code.

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Speaker 3: Without a purchase. These are some wild circumstances. Though, like,

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Speaker 3: these are unruly circumstances, she said.

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Speaker 1: She said, under any circumstances, this is any circumstances. True.

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Speaker 1: I laughed a little and told him what I told

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Speaker 1: all the other customers. I'm sorry, you have to make

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Speaker 1: a purchase first. Do you want to get a cookie

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Speaker 1: for less than a dollar? And then it'll be on

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Speaker 1: the receipts. He didn't realize the laugh was really at

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Speaker 1: myself and how awkward of a situation he unknowingly put me,

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Speaker 1: Nor did I really have the chance to explain it

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Speaker 1: before The laugh and rejection of the bathroom code caused

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Speaker 1: the cop to become straight up furious.

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Speaker 3: I love it, like like the cops trying to prevent

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Speaker 3: someone from dying outside just need to use this shitter

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Speaker 3: And then like he's like, hey, can I please use

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Speaker 3: your bathroom? And the kid behind the death is like

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Speaker 3: bathroom he would you buy cookie first? And dumb ass cop.

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Speaker 1: Give me this dollars? I will. The only way I'll

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Speaker 1: let you in is for one hund broh my god

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Speaker 1: or the bathroom gets it now. He gave me three

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Speaker 1: warnings to give him the code. Bro if I'm standing there, and.

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Speaker 3: One of these warnings like He's like, I want you

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Speaker 3: to give me the good bathroom. I need a poop

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Speaker 3: now in three I am, and I can't do it. No,

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Speaker 3: I'm about to ship my pad one. Like what. He

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Speaker 3: just shits his pants, shits in the floor.

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Speaker 1: Just oozing out of down his pants through his ankles.

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Speaker 1: Each time I tell him I'm not gonna give it

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Speaker 1: to him.

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Speaker 3: And well, he's playing chicken with this cop dude.

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Speaker 1: And the customers are on my side telling me that

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Speaker 1: I'm just doing my job. That's hilarious. There's like a

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Speaker 1: line of people that are like, he's just doing his cookie. Dude.

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Speaker 1: I would do that too, That's hilarious. After his third warning,

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Speaker 1: he just shook his head and muttered.

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Speaker 3: I thought I was gonna say he shot me.

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Speaker 1: He shot me. Something's going to be moving tonight. It's

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Speaker 1: either my bowels or this bullets.

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Speaker 2: You just say, either way, both they're going to be

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Speaker 2: moving in your direction. You've heard of the projectile vomit,

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Speaker 2: but I got projectile vombared the diarrhea.

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Speaker 1: This time I'm the one spreading cheeks.

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Speaker 3: Oh god.

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Speaker 1: So he shook his head and he said, I can't

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Speaker 1: believe you're interfering with an ongoing investigation.

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Speaker 3: That's the investigation of why he's having compulsive diarrhea.

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Speaker 1: We're investigating your asshole and what's coming out of it. Like,

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Speaker 1: what are we doing over here?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, I don't know if this is part

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Speaker 3: of the investigation. This is not classifying the investigation of

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Speaker 3: what the bathroom code is. It's not a real investigation.

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Speaker 3: Imagine had some scooby doo shit at the press conference.

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Speaker 3: They were like, who is the assailant in this crime.

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Speaker 3: It's like, well, we have yet to ascertain the victim,

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Speaker 3: but we have successfully ascertained the subway bathroom code. Oh god,

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Speaker 3: I was thinking, like this was the investigation. It's like,

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Speaker 3: I haven't found the culprit, but I think it was

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Speaker 3: the Chipotle burrito eight this morning. It's been causing diarrhea

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Speaker 3: all through out the day. Believe me, I know about

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Speaker 3: Chipotle diarrhea.

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Speaker 1: Oh my man, Sam has has moved a few bowels

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Speaker 1: in his days.

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Speaker 3: That I have had two Chipotle burritos back to back

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Speaker 3: yesterday again.

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Speaker 1: Again, dude, this this man is an animal. So at

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Speaker 1: this point, the copy uses is walking on his shoulder

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Speaker 1: to get some information.

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Speaker 3: What's the bathroom code?

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Speaker 1: I need reinforcements tens deck.

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Speaker 3: He calls like uh, he calls like the code breakers

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Speaker 3: and is like, I need our best hacker on the line.

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Speaker 3: Then there's the guy in the chair and he was like,

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Speaker 3: I got you, cop. The code is sixty nine four

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Speaker 3: twenty son, I need you to hack the matin frame

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Speaker 3: for your country and my apostle, my Anus in this

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Speaker 3: country salutes you. Oh that it does, my Anus and

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Speaker 3: planet Earth, your ainus and planet Earth and both planets,

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Speaker 3: oh and they both. I have a plan to end

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Speaker 3: it in the bathroom.

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Speaker 1: I am absolutely loving this story. We're we're almost there.

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Speaker 1: So about five minutes later, one of the cops handed

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Speaker 1: me a phone. I answered, and my manager was on

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Speaker 1: the line.

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Speaker 3: How did you get a held of the men?

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Speaker 1: Who knows? Who knows? Maybe maybe it's like subway support,

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Speaker 1: Like I have a complaint about you know, like route

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Speaker 1: me to your you know, your local your local subway manager. Also,

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Speaker 1: where was the manager?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: This whole time, there's like a crime investigation. There's no

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Speaker 1: manager to be found.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, the manager's supposed to be on site.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: It's like like you like maybe if you're the manager,

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Speaker 1: you're like manage and work. But this guy was obviously

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Speaker 1: not the manager because the manager was the manager. Ridiculous anyways,

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Speaker 1: so the manager said, are you effing serious? Long story short,

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Speaker 1: the cop got the bathroom code and a free bag

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Speaker 1: of chips.

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Speaker 3: Wow, you did say under any I.

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Speaker 1: Had a verbal contract from you that said end quote

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Speaker 1: under any circumstances. So this was a circumstance.

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Speaker 3: H John, I'm glad I don't work at Subway.

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Speaker 1: Dude, same