Speaker 1: Is doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Speaker 1: Are you currently a resident of the state of California
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Speaker 1: forward to hearing from you. Welcome to Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 1: I'm doctor dom a college professor and licensed psychologist.
Speaker 2: And I'm Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. Now,
Speaker 2: before we jump into today's episode, we want to share
Speaker 2: something special. For the first time in eight years of podcasting,
Speaker 2: we're taking a much needed summer break. But stay tuned
Speaker 2: to see what that means for you.
Speaker 1: That's right, lady, After nearly a decade of showing up
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Speaker 1: these many episodes filled with reflections, insights, encouragement, and some
Speaker 1: of the conversations we think you need right now.
Speaker 2: When we return, you can expect even more of what
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Speaker 2: and growth, and fresh perspectives on everything from mental health
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Speaker 2: for being part of this community and for growing alongside
Speaker 2: us over the years. Now let's get into the mini episode.
Speaker 2: What if envy isn't the flaw? What if it's literally
Speaker 2: pointing you toward the life you secretly want?
Speaker 3: Your thoughts?
Speaker 1: Mm hmm, Okay, that's a that's a deep question. Okay,
Speaker 1: it is so. I mean when I hear that, I
Speaker 1: think that, you know, we've been taught to judge ourselves like, way, way,
Speaker 1: way too quickly when it comes to envy, right like,
Speaker 1: the moment we acknowledge the feeling, the next thing that
Speaker 1: comes to mind is all shit, I'm over here being
Speaker 1: a hater. Really, what if envy is information? What if
Speaker 1: envy is actually trying to tell us something?
Speaker 2: Okay, and lady, you know where the queens are sitting
Speaker 2: with the discomfort, So let's just sit with it, because
Speaker 2: I'm sure we've all experienced envy at some point in life. Right,
Speaker 2: You're scrolling. Usually it's a scrolling right scrolling. You see
Speaker 2: someone's getting engaged. You're like, damn, I want my person
Speaker 2: to propose to me, or I'm trying to get married too.
Speaker 2: You see a friend they just posted them new keys,
Speaker 2: they just bought a condo or bought a house. Somebody
Speaker 2: text you in the group chat, oh, I'm launching my
Speaker 2: new business. You see somebody and lost the weight, or
Speaker 2: you think they want to go get the BBL because
Speaker 2: their body is listen that ways to snatch the booty's
Speaker 2: looking booty sitting.
Speaker 3: Up, titty sitting up. Okay, they're looking good. Bodies fire.
Speaker 2: And then you see that one friend who's traveling, and
Speaker 2: you might say, damn, where's mine at?
Speaker 3: When is mine coming?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 3: What's that with that?
Speaker 2: So let's talk about it. Do you think people confuse
Speaker 2: envy with being a bad person, because I feel like
Speaker 2: oftentimes in society we're just kind of discouraged from feeling
Speaker 2: uncomfortable emotions that are very real and that are a
Speaker 2: part of the human experience.
Speaker 1: What do you think, Yeah, I mean you nailed it right,
Speaker 1: Like we are socialized to find ways to negate, avoid
Speaker 1: suppress us certain emotions and if we're feeling envy, which
Speaker 1: is an Any emotion that we feel is a normal,
Speaker 1: valid emotion. We are human, We are supposed to have feelings, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: have experiencing envy does not make us a bad person.
Speaker 1: But I think we've been socialized to think that if
Speaker 1: we experience envy, something is wrong with us.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would agree, and I know we did in
Speaker 2: the previous episode where we dove in deep on jealousy
Speaker 2: and envy as the lady. Just in case you missed that,
Speaker 2: and maybe it was just like, wait, I beg seeing
Speaker 2: en be confused. Envy is wanting what someone else has,
Speaker 2: whereas jealousy is the fear of losing something you already
Speaker 2: possess to someone else. Right, So like, damn, I'm envious
Speaker 2: she got a bomb ad. I'm just using body because
Speaker 2: I feel like everybody talking bodies these days.
Speaker 3: She has a bottom ass body. Oh, I'm envious to that.
Speaker 2: Or jealousy would be like, man, I got this mean and.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: He has a wandered eye and them girls at his
Speaker 2: DM and I don't know, I fear like I might
Speaker 2: somebody might try to take them, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3: With a little example and.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm jealous of this, I'm jealous of his
Speaker 1: I'm jealous of his friendship with this particular woman because
Speaker 1: I feel threatened that this woman is better than me
Speaker 1: in some way and she's gonna take my shee end
Speaker 1: up he's gonna end up moving towards her and away
Speaker 1: from me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and again, these are human emotions. I feel like
Speaker 2: sometimes people try to deny them, like, oh, I don't
Speaker 2: feel that way, but it's natural, right, We're human, and
Speaker 2: envy it may be the issue, But I think shame
Speaker 2: is the really it's the big thing here, right, because
Speaker 2: envy is like the information. It reveals the desire, the values,
Speaker 2: the dreams, the unmet needs. And so instead of asking
Speaker 2: like why am I envious or jealous, it might be
Speaker 2: what is this emotion trying to show me? That's maybe
Speaker 2: we should start there, right.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, because I think the thing is is that
Speaker 1: we want to recognize that there are different kinds of envy,
Speaker 1: different reasons that we're envious. There's healthy envy, toxic envy.
Speaker 1: There's this comparison game and it there's coming from a
Speaker 1: scarcity mindset, and then there's the impact of social media, right,
Speaker 1: and so So I think part of it is making
Speaker 1: space for understanding the impact of all of those things, right,
Speaker 1: like understanding the impact of social media, and how we
Speaker 1: may depending on how much time we engage with social media,
Speaker 1: we may find ourselves in a constant comparison game, right,
Speaker 1: And then we may find ourselves in a space if
Speaker 1: we're already in a scarcity mindset of like, well there's
Speaker 1: only so much, only so many women can can have
Speaker 1: that particular body then and that's not me. So then
Speaker 1: I'm envious of all the women who do have it
Speaker 1: because I'm not gonna be able to attain it.
Speaker 2: And I'm as a psychologist, how do we how do
Speaker 2: we stop judging emotions and start just listening to them?
Speaker 1: So I think part of it is is that it's
Speaker 1: this piece of our emotions are information, Right, So before
Speaker 1: we try to judge it, let's name it and sit
Speaker 1: with that, right, literally, just sit with that, like I'm
Speaker 1: feeling anxious, I'm feeling disappointment, I'm feeling envious. Right, Labeling it,
Speaker 1: actually putting a name to it kind of reduces the
Speaker 1: impact the intensity of it, right, And so instead of saying, well,
Speaker 1: why am I envious? Or I shouldn't be envious? Why
Speaker 1: do I find myself envying people all the time? Step
Speaker 1: back and say what is this emotion in response to
Speaker 1: Because our emotions are never random. Our emotions are signals
Speaker 1: towards something that we're needing, to memories, to creating some meaning.
Speaker 1: So again it goes back to that point that emotions
Speaker 1: are information, and so stepping back and looking at what
Speaker 1: is the information that envy is trying to show us
Speaker 1: in this moment?
Speaker 3: Yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 2: And I in preparation for this episode, I was thinking
Speaker 2: to myself, I'm like, am I jealous? Well, no, I'm
Speaker 2: not jealous. I don't think I've been jealous in quite
Speaker 2: some time.
Speaker 3: I would say envy.
Speaker 2: I was sitting with envy because I was like, ooh,
Speaker 2: there's a lot of things I desire and want, and
Speaker 2: so I wouldn't say that in this phase in life
Speaker 2: just because and again, lady, I've been there. I've been jealous,
Speaker 2: I've been envious, all that, I've been hating ass all
Speaker 2: that right.
Speaker 3: At some point in my journey.
Speaker 2: But I would say that I'm pretty evolved now, very
Speaker 2: self aware, very grounded, and there are still things that
Speaker 2: I want. And so I was really trying to challenge myself,
Speaker 2: like what do I want these days? And although I
Speaker 2: don't find myself sitting throughout the day having consistent thoughts
Speaker 2: of envy in this season of my life, there are
Speaker 2: two areas that came up that I want to share.
Speaker 2: I feel very vulnerable, but I want to share them
Speaker 2: with you down because I want to just sit with
Speaker 2: it very realistically, because the lady, it's easy for us
Speaker 2: to say, like.
Speaker 3: Do this and do that when you feel envy, but
Speaker 3: it's not always that easy.
Speaker 2: And so I was thinking domb about people who have
Speaker 2: very supportive like family units, specifically like parents who are
Speaker 2: very active in the life and who can help, who
Speaker 2: are like right there who can help, and like they
Speaker 2: just have a very good dynamic, and like me being
Speaker 2: estranged for my mom, I have multiple dads, and you know,
Speaker 2: I have good relationships with my dads, but it's just
Speaker 2: a little different. I'm thinking about like a very I'm
Speaker 2: thinking about the.
Speaker 3: Is it stereotypical kind of family you and I guess
Speaker 3: maybe yeah.
Speaker 2: I think about parents when you could be like yo,
Speaker 2: let me get ten ten rex, you know, like helping,
Speaker 2: helping in a substantial way. I'm thinking about that, and
Speaker 2: I was like, ooh, that's something I don't necessarily have.
Speaker 2: I don't think about it all day, like, oh I
Speaker 2: wish I had this, you know, but maybe that's shoe lady, right.
Speaker 2: And so I was thinking about how I cope with
Speaker 2: the things that I desire that I don't have the
Speaker 2: other people do have. I was thinking about that, girl,
Speaker 2: let me tell about the next week. You can probably
Speaker 2: relate to that. You're ready for this, okay, girl, I
Speaker 2: was thinking, now, let me just preface this by saying,
Speaker 2: we are very independent women. Okay, we were raised to
Speaker 2: be independent women, and we've always you know, we got
Speaker 2: it out the mud, worked hard, all that shit.
Speaker 3: And I was like, being a kept woman.
Speaker 2: The older I get that shit real appealing, Like I
Speaker 2: wouldn't mind listen, I wouldn't mind just doing my pursuing
Speaker 2: my passion and my man just.
Speaker 3: You know, I'm a kept woman. I wouldn't mind.
Speaker 2: You know, I'm a high value woman, as they say.
Speaker 2: And I was like, there are some women that's the
Speaker 2: reality they have that. And I was like, okay, let
Speaker 2: me sit with this. How does it feel to like,
Speaker 2: I don't know, for you, domins or anything, that you're
Speaker 2: that you don't. I don't know if I have active
Speaker 2: envy though. That's the thing, Like I do want these things,
Speaker 2: but there's not like someone in mind because I don't.
Speaker 2: I don't want to sit with that doesn't serve me
Speaker 2: to have the feelings like yes, And so when I
Speaker 2: see people who have that, like, I'm genuinely happy for them.
Speaker 2: And there is a narrative that I tell myself that
Speaker 2: I can go into after you share, like on how
Speaker 2: I cope with not having it, but I just want
Speaker 2: to see like what would you add or what do
Speaker 2: you think about any of that?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think for me, the space that I'm at in
Speaker 1: life is if envy pops up, it doesn't last long.
Speaker 1: It's very fleeing for me. Yeah, right, because I'm in
Speaker 1: a space in life where there's the recognition that my
Speaker 1: journey is meant to be my journey. There's the acceptance
Speaker 1: and the embracing of my journey is meant to be
Speaker 1: my journey, right, Yeah, and the recognition that it's meant
Speaker 1: for me will never miss me. M And so when
Speaker 1: I have that initial moment of envy, when I see
Speaker 1: someone that has something that I'm that I'm currently desiring, Yeah,
Speaker 1: my immediate thought. My immediate thought really is about the
Speaker 1: or experience. Is the envy, Yeah, that is truly very fleeting.
Speaker 1: Because then my next thought usually is how did they
Speaker 1: what did they do to achieve it? M hm? And
Speaker 1: is that something that needs to be a part of
Speaker 1: my journey?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And so, and that's where I'm at in life currently.
Speaker 1: I wasn't always in that space right but for me
Speaker 1: right now, envy is a very it's a very fleeting
Speaker 1: emotion that I experience.
Speaker 2: I appreciate you sharing that, and lady like, even if
Speaker 2: you are there now, don't think we're trying to bypass.
Speaker 2: Like Dom said, we both have experienced this before. And
Speaker 2: I love that you mentioned the fleeting aspect of it
Speaker 2: because that is true, like when you see when I
Speaker 2: see certain things, it's like, oh dang, that must be nice.
Speaker 2: But just because of like where I'm going it, I've
Speaker 2: sat with jealousy and envy before and shit, it's just heavy.
Speaker 3: It weighs me down. It doesn't help me get to
Speaker 3: where I'm going.
Speaker 2: And so I've really tried my best to have genuine appreciation,
Speaker 2: love and excitement for other people when they get things,
Speaker 2: even if I want that and so instead of saying
Speaker 2: things like oh, I wish it wasn't them, which I
Speaker 2: usually it was always like I wish it was me
Speaker 2: versus it being more about the other person. But if
Speaker 2: you have those thoughts holding space for that, it's more like, Oh,
Speaker 2: if it's possible for them, it's possible for me. And
Speaker 2: then going back to what you said down, I'm like, Oh,
Speaker 2: based on what they had to, you know, possibly do
Speaker 2: to get that, is that something I want to do?
Speaker 2: Is it something part of my journey?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 3: I have also seen people sometimes say things like.
Speaker 2: Oh, well, you don't know what they did to get it,
Speaker 2: in like more of a negative way where it's like, yeah,
Speaker 2: you know he's kept. Yeah she's a kept woman, but
Speaker 2: he might be cheating and he might be doing this.
Speaker 2: Sometimes people really have genuinely good lives and there ain't
Speaker 2: no bullshit like someone can be kept and they have
Speaker 2: a great life and that's that, and that's that's great
Speaker 2: for them, right, And so we just want to share Oh.
Speaker 1: I was going to say, and for that specific instance,
Speaker 1: there may be certain they're not. Maybe there usually are
Speaker 1: strings attached, and the strings that are attached match their values,
Speaker 1: and so that is good for them, and that's the
Speaker 1: key that makes it a great situation for them. And
Speaker 1: I think that's the thing, is that, like when when
Speaker 1: I look at someone who has something or is doing
Speaker 1: something that I want, it's it is also the question
Speaker 1: of does that is how they got that and what
Speaker 1: they're experiencing? Not only is it is it meant to
Speaker 1: be part of my journey at some point? But also
Speaker 1: does this truly align with my values? Now that I'm
Speaker 1: seeing it in action? Does it actually align with my values?
Speaker 1: Because there are lots of things that we can see
Speaker 1: or that we want, that we desire, and until we
Speaker 1: see it in action, we have certain preconceived notions of
Speaker 1: what it's going to be like, right, and then you
Speaker 1: see it in action with someone else, and then that
Speaker 1: gives space for you to ask, like, Okay, based on
Speaker 1: what I'm I'm observing it in real time, and yes,
Speaker 1: my experience is not going to be the same as theirs,
Speaker 1: But based on what I'm seeing, does this still align
Speaker 1: with what I want? Is this true? Is this something
Speaker 1: that should be a part of my journey exactly?
Speaker 2: That is so key and Lady, that's a great transition
Speaker 2: into some of the practical framework we want to share. Right,
Speaker 2: So when you do experience v asking yourself what exactly
Speaker 2: am I envious of? Be specific because maybe once you
Speaker 2: see that inside that down was sharing, maybe you're like, oh,
Speaker 2: I actually don't really want that thing. I was just
Speaker 2: actually wanting this other thing that I thought would get
Speaker 2: me there, right, So getting clear on that, and then
Speaker 2: is it what I actually want or is it what
Speaker 2: I think I'm supposed to want?
Speaker 3: Ooh ooh, okay, yeah as a society to say I need this?
Speaker 3: Did my family school whoever?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: The next one is what does this reveal about my values?
Speaker 2: What does it reveal about your values and your vision?
Speaker 2: Like what are you hoping this does for you? And
Speaker 2: then finally, what's one tiny action I can take toward
Speaker 2: my own version? Because, like Don was saying, what's for
Speaker 2: you will never miss you? And a lot of times,
Speaker 2: in hindsight, the thing that we thought we wanted, we'll
Speaker 2: be like, oh my gosh, thank you God, and get
Speaker 2: that thing that I thought I wanted because it wasn't
Speaker 2: for me. There was something else for me that served
Speaker 2: where I was in the season of life.
Speaker 1: And one final thought, maybe just maybe your envy of
Speaker 1: someone else isn't telling you that someone else has too much.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's a reminder for you that you've been settling
Speaker 1: for too little.
Speaker 2: If you want more speaking, collaborations or visibility for your brand,
Speaker 2: I got to tell you the truth. This is Terry
Speaker 2: Lomax and I've been a public speaker for over twelve years.
Speaker 2: I've lended national media, a TED talk, in six figure
Speaker 2: collaborations without a publicist or a big social media following.
Speaker 2: And here's what most people don't hear. You don't need
Speaker 2: a publicist or a massive audience to get booked. Most
Speaker 2: people are waiting to feel established first, and that waiting
Speaker 2: is costing them visibility. How many times have you looked
Speaker 2: up and seeing people with less experience getting opportunities you
Speaker 2: were fully qualified for. Here's the truth. Opportunities don't go
Speaker 2: to the most qualified. They go to the people who
Speaker 2: can clearly communicate their value. Once I learned how to
Speaker 2: organize my story and position my expertise using a framework,
Speaker 2: everything changed. If you want my exact pitch emails, word
Speaker 2: for word, my winning subject lines, and the Saucy Solutions framework,
Speaker 2: visit get that pitch dot com for a limited time
Speaker 2: use cold her Space for a special thank you a
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Speaker 2: show notes.
Speaker 1: Thanks for tuning into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while
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Speaker 2: And before we meet again, repeat after me and move
Speaker 2: an alignment not urgency.
Speaker 3: What's meant for me?
Speaker 2: Respond to me, chep driving Lady, and tune in next
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