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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is kat

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Speaker 1: I am the host and if you don't know what

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Speaker 1: couch Talks is, it is the special bonus episode of

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy Podcast where Ikat answer questions that listeners

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Speaker 1: like you send to Katherine at you Need Therapy podcast

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Speaker 1: dot com. Now, quick reminder before we get into today's

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Speaker 1: question that this podcast does not serve as a replacement

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Speaker 1: or substitute for any mental health services. However, we always

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Speaker 1: hope that they can help you in some way, and

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Speaker 1: again if you're new, just like a what is a

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Speaker 1: lay of the land? I think that's what they say.

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Speaker 1: Lay of the land of how this works is I

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Speaker 1: read questions like I said that you guys send, and

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Speaker 1: I always keep them anonymous, so that means you can

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Speaker 1: send me your questions knowing nobody will know that it's

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Speaker 1: you that sent your question in. And what I love

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Speaker 1: about that is most of the time somebody out there

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Speaker 1: listening will also relate to your question, and so you

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Speaker 1: are sending a question in for yourself, but you also

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Speaker 1: are helping other people out in the process, and I

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Speaker 1: just think that's really special, So today we are going

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Speaker 1: to do a normal episode. I'm just going to do

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Speaker 1: one question and then we're going to talk about it.

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Speaker 1: So let's get into it. Here is today's question. Hey,

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Speaker 1: kat I recently had an experience that I don't think

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Speaker 1: I handled the best way, and I was hoping to

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Speaker 1: get your insight in case it happens again in the future,

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Speaker 1: because I have a feeling it will. I recently got

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Speaker 1: in a pretty huge fight with one of my friends.

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Speaker 1: The fight itself is not that important, but it happened

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Speaker 1: right before a big celebration for one of our other friends.

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Speaker 1: This meant that during the celebration for a huge life milestone,

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Speaker 1: we were not speaking. You could cut the tension with

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Speaker 1: a knife. But I was so hurt that I did

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Speaker 1: not feel comfortable trying to mend things before or during

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Speaker 1: the event itself. Turns out now, all that I remember

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Speaker 1: from that night that was supposed to be full of

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Speaker 1: love and fun is that I was extremely uncomfortable and angry.

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Speaker 1: We have since mended things, and I'm starting to feel

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Speaker 1: okay about the original situation, but I guess I am

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Speaker 1: disappointed in how I handled things. I do believe I

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Speaker 1: needed time to cool down and time to be angry.

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Speaker 1: But I hate that it affected other people's lives and

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Speaker 1: it affected an experience that I was looking forward to.

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Speaker 1: In these kinds of situations, would you advise people to

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Speaker 1: kind of nip things in the bud and smooth things over,

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Speaker 1: or what is worse not having an appropriate time before

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Speaker 1: approaching a conversation after a fight or ruining a party

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Speaker 1: you were looking forward to love a stubborn and also

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Speaker 1: confused friend. So I appreciate this question because this is

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Speaker 1: a very specific situation to you. But I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of us have had situations where we've had some

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Speaker 1: kind of conflict come up and then interfew with another

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Speaker 1: part of our lives, whether that is a big event,

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Speaker 1: or maybe it's a smaller event, maybe it's just day

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Speaker 1: to day at work. Maybe it is something that has

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Speaker 1: to do with family, that holiday, a vacation, something like that.

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Speaker 1: So a lot of people are going to relate to

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Speaker 1: this experience, and I think a lot of people were

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Speaker 1: taught to just kind of brush it onder the rug

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Speaker 1: and ignore it, because you know, that's better than sitting

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Speaker 1: in the discomfort of having those feelings during that event,

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Speaker 1: or sitting in the discomfort of actually having a conversation.

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of times, well, what I'm hearing

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Speaker 1: from you is it was really more so that you

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Speaker 1: weren't ready to have that conversation yet you need time

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Speaker 1: to feel your feelings. A lot of times this stuff

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Speaker 1: happens because people just don't want to sit in the

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Speaker 1: discomfort of the conversation or sit in the discomfort of

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Speaker 1: their feelings. And I also want to say, it sounds

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Speaker 1: like you already know the answer to this for you

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Speaker 1: think this answer is not a one size fits all.

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Speaker 1: It's different based on who you are and what you need.

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Speaker 1: But maybe what you need is just a little more permission,

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Speaker 1: or just a permission in general to accept that you

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Speaker 1: know what you want in these types of situations, or

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Speaker 1: you know what you want or what you would do

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Speaker 1: if this thing happened again, maybe with a specific friend

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Speaker 1: or maybe with a specific friend group. So I want

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Speaker 1: to just put that out there that it's okay to

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Speaker 1: choose what you think is best for you without having

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Speaker 1: somebody else validate it, because a lot of times our

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Speaker 1: gut knows and what's right for one person might not

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Speaker 1: be what is right for another person. And so I

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Speaker 1: want you to take any feedback that you hear from me,

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Speaker 1: knowing that it's okay for you also to not agree

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Speaker 1: with it, which is a little contradictory for me. Even

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Speaker 1: answering this question, I'm like, you know what you need,

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Speaker 1: and I'm going to tell you something different. I don't

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Speaker 1: know if this is different, but if it is, I

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Speaker 1: don't want you to take it as the end all

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Speaker 1: be all. You're allowed to take parts of what I say.

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Speaker 1: And that's kind of my point in answering this question,

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Speaker 1: is what if there isn't just one solution and they're

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Speaker 1: really is more so a choice that you can get

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Speaker 1: on board with the most or a choice that gives

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Speaker 1: you the most of what you need? Is there a

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Speaker 1: blending of the two? Does it have to be we

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Speaker 1: kind of nip this in the bud and we kind

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Speaker 1: of hash it out and get over it, or we

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Speaker 1: just have all of our feelings in the forefront of

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Speaker 1: our experience of this event that we both were at

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Speaker 1: and we don't get to really enjoy it. And it

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Speaker 1: sounds like it might have affected other people's experience as well,

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Speaker 1: because they know that there's tension and it maybe it's

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Speaker 1: just not as like light and care free as you

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Speaker 1: want that event to be so it doesn't have to

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Speaker 1: be one or the other. I wonder if there is

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Speaker 1: some kind of compromise for the moment and then you

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Speaker 1: have space and time to really get it what it

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Speaker 1: is that you need. Because sometimes it is true, and

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Speaker 1: we rush conversations around conflict, it feels more so I

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Speaker 1: just want to smooth things over, versus I really want

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Speaker 1: to mend this conflict, or I really want to talk

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Speaker 1: about what it is that happened. It just is really

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Speaker 1: I just want to talk about this so we can

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Speaker 1: both say I'm okay, you're okay, and then we can

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Speaker 1: move on. And that sometimes is just as damaging, I

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Speaker 1: think is the right word, or unhelpful as sweeping things

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Speaker 1: under the rug, because you're more focused on getting to

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Speaker 1: the endpoint of everybody being okay than really having an

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Speaker 1: understanding for what it is that you guys both needed

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Speaker 1: in that conflict. So is there a way for you,

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Speaker 1: guys to or for you specifically to kind of get

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Speaker 1: something in the meantime that allows you to be more

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Speaker 1: present at these events and then later on you have

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Speaker 1: time and space to have that conversation. And maybe all

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Speaker 1: that is is saying, hey, I know we just had

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Speaker 1: this fight. I'm really angry, and I imagine you might

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Speaker 1: be angry. I don't know exactly what you're feeling. I'm

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Speaker 1: not ready to fully talk about this, but I do

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Speaker 1: want to see if you're okay with putting this beside

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Speaker 1: us or put to the side for this event and

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Speaker 1: maybe in the next week or so, or however it

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Speaker 1: takes you, guys to get to the point where you

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Speaker 1: are ready to talk, then we'll meet and really talk

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Speaker 1: about what it is that we need. So what do

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Speaker 1: we need right now to just be present at this

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Speaker 1: event and show up for our friends. And I also

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Speaker 1: want to really work on this in the future so

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Speaker 1: then it's not rushed. And then you also don't have

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Speaker 1: to like give the person the silent treatment, because we've

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Speaker 1: all had those experiences where you know somebody isn't well.

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Speaker 1: I can't say we all, but a lot of us

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Speaker 1: have had those experiences where somebody is giving something the

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Speaker 1: silent treatment and it's just uncomfortable. I mean, I would

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Speaker 1: admit I have been the person that has given people

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Speaker 1: the silent treatment and it is uncomfortable, and it just

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Speaker 1: doesn't it doesn't just take something away from my experience

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Speaker 1: is it takes something away from the people's experience around me,

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Speaker 1: and that always isn't fair and it always isn't necessary.

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Speaker 1: So is there a way for us to kind of

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Speaker 1: just put this to the side. And this is where

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Speaker 1: compartmentalizing isn't always a bad thing. It can really help

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Speaker 1: you have a really good experience at these events. And

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Speaker 1: then still we're not forgetting about it. We are not

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Speaker 1: locking up in a box, we are not brushing under

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Speaker 1: the rug. We are putting it to the side to

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Speaker 1: focus on something that is more important in the moment,

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Speaker 1: and then we're going to come back to it because

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Speaker 1: it is also still important. And you want to be

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Speaker 1: allowed to have your feelings. So this doesn't mean you

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Speaker 1: have to be okay with them. It doesn't mean you

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Speaker 1: have to not have feelings. It doesn't mean you have

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Speaker 1: to not be angry. It doesn't mean that you have

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Speaker 1: to not need things. It's I'm going to have this

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Speaker 1: conversation in the future and show up as best I

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Speaker 1: can right now. And again, like I said, this doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to be the answer for everybody, But I like

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Speaker 1: sometimes when we are polarizing things, or when it feels

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Speaker 1: like we are being forced to choose one thing or

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Speaker 1: the other, really wondering and questioning, being curious if there

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Speaker 1: is an option see that blends things, and it might

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Speaker 1: not be the perfect option. That's what keeps us stuck

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Speaker 1: a lot. Right, nothing is perfect. Nothing one hundred percent

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Speaker 1: gives me what I need? Okay, well, what gives me

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Speaker 1: the most of what I need? What allows me the

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Speaker 1: most of what I want? I want to have fun

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Speaker 1: at this party. I also really want time and space

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Speaker 1: to feel things, and I want time and space to

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Speaker 1: have a real conversation about this. So rather than forcing

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Speaker 1: something and rushing something, can I allow space and time

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Speaker 1: right now, take a pause on this and then come

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Speaker 1: back to it. It's hard, I say it, like, just

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Speaker 1: don't feel your feelings for you know, an hour at

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Speaker 1: that party. I'm not saying that, I feel like sometimes

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Speaker 1: this kind of conversation can get misconstrued. But can you

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Speaker 1: have a conversation where you're acknowledging, Hey, we're still both

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Speaker 1: feeling a little not so great about what happened. Let's

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Speaker 1: show up the best we can for ourselves and our friends,

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Speaker 1: and let's do this later. This is a situation that

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Speaker 1: we want to make ideal, but it's not ideal because

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Speaker 1: we are humans. We have fights and arguments and conflict

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Speaker 1: and it interferes with parts of our lives and that

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Speaker 1: also is part of living our lives. Is that stuff

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Speaker 1: coming up. So I hope that was helpful. As always,

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Speaker 1: if you guys have any feedback, questions, comments, anything, you

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Speaker 1: can send them to Katherine at You Need Therapy Podcast.

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Speaker 1: You can follow me Kat van Buren on Instagram and

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Speaker 1: at You Need Therapy Podcast. And I went back with

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Speaker 1: you guys on Monday. Until then, I hope you have

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Speaker 1: the day you need to have