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Speaker 1: Money can't funk your marriage up. Well, it's a good

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Speaker 1: thing for me. I don't really give a shit about

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Speaker 1: money like that. So I've been here since we was broke.

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Speaker 1: That it's a dead ass moment. Okay, dead ass. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and Devoured and we're the Ellises. You may

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Speaker 1: know us from posting funny videos with our boys and

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Speaker 1: reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,

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Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one

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Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We

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Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's

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Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about.

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Speaker 1: To the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass

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Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day. So when

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Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,

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Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about

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Speaker 1: to take phillows off to a whole new level. Dead

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Speaker 1: ass starts right now. I'm gonna take you guys back

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Speaker 1: to college before before it was even about like really

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Speaker 1: really like money about to say, because I know I was,

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Speaker 1: we was both broke, but um Codeine used to get

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Speaker 1: a stipend for her and I used to get meal

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Speaker 1: points because I was a scholarship athlete, and Codeine and

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Speaker 1: I would sit down in the beginning of each semester,

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Speaker 1: I would get sixteen hundred meal points, which equated to

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Speaker 1: sixteen hundred dollars for the semester, which we carry us

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Speaker 1: about four months. And I don't know how much you

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Speaker 1: used to get for a stipend for already. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: forget that, and I get to pay paid like every week.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't much though, but but Codeine and I used

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Speaker 1: to sit down and she would go shopping for the

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Speaker 1: house with the money she got for the stipend from

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Speaker 1: her are a. But then she and I would go

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Speaker 1: to Dutch treats and would go shopping with my meal

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Speaker 1: points for the apartment to make sure we had everything.

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Speaker 1: And if I used to shop it for the house

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Speaker 1: because we didn't really have apartment. Yeah, it was. It

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Speaker 1: was cute. And I remember like this, particularly this six

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Speaker 1: hundred dollars for a lot of my other athlete friends

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Speaker 1: would not last more than maybe a month and a half,

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Speaker 1: you know, talking about football. They were eating. You know,

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Speaker 1: you're just going and you spend hundreds of dollars on

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Speaker 1: food you're buying waters, You're doing all these different things.

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Speaker 1: But I remember having Codeine and she was like my

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Speaker 1: life partner even in college at this point. And of

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Speaker 1: course I didn't eat as much as an offensive and

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Speaker 1: defensive linement, but I was in this process of trying

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Speaker 1: to gain weight. So we would literally sit down and

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Speaker 1: map out every purchase to make sure that we maximize

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Speaker 1: this money because at the end of the semester we

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Speaker 1: didn't want any more money on the car. What we

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Speaker 1: used to do was when the money was still left over,

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Speaker 1: we would go by perishable, non perishable goods like waters

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Speaker 1: can goes for the next year to make sure that

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Speaker 1: even when there was no money left, if we had

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Speaker 1: if we needed anything, we had it. And when I

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Speaker 1: sit back and think about this story, it kind of

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Speaker 1: it kind of reminds me of how we created this

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Speaker 1: bond about finances early on, because we needed every dollar

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Speaker 1: to survive, and it was the pulling of money and

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Speaker 1: resources together. For me, yes, yes it was. It was

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Speaker 1: always about pulling money and resources. But this is this

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Speaker 1: is one funny thing in particular, right. I used to

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Speaker 1: remember when I used to have Willie Cologne come by

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Speaker 1: and eat and Willy used to come by and he

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Speaker 1: would eat. He would eat a lot because he's offensive

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Speaker 1: lineman playfoot Stealers on the Super Bowl. This is in college,

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Speaker 1: and Kni used to look at me and be like,

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Speaker 1: all right, now, you haven't willie all of these leftovers

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Speaker 1: when that meal car run out. Don't be looking at

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Speaker 1: me for my already budget because you had to fee.

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Speaker 1: You had to feed your staff too. Whenever we had

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Speaker 1: like trainings and stuff, and it was like fifteen of us.

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Speaker 1: At one point, I was coming up with meals every

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Speaker 1: I was. I was doing this mom thing long before

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Speaker 1: I was that nineteen and twenty years old learning how

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Speaker 1: to balance a budget. In two thousand and four, were

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Speaker 1: doing baby. We were managing money early. Now how that

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Speaker 1: translates to marriage? How that goes all? Right? Karaoke Kadeen

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Speaker 1: has a very special song to her because this song

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Speaker 1: is when she used to work in matt This is

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Speaker 1: a very nostalgic song for me. And the funny thing

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Speaker 1: is that used to pay It used to play on

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Speaker 1: the playlist that we had at MAC. There were these

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Speaker 1: preset playlists and they uhould just come on and it

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Speaker 1: was my theme song when I would hear it come

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Speaker 1: On because you know I'm going too the store and

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Speaker 1: see what my goal was for the day, how much

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Speaker 1: money I had to make. And I'm like, all right,

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Speaker 1: then my theme song will come on shortly after they

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Speaker 1: gave me like a superpower. And I don't know that

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Speaker 1: all the words to it, but I know for the

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Speaker 1: most part, this is something like, I need dollars. Dollars.

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Speaker 1: Dollars is what I need. I need dollars, dollars, Dallas

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Speaker 1: is what I need. I need dollars dollars, Dallas is

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Speaker 1: what I need. If I share with you my story,

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Speaker 1: will you share your dollar with me? I remember Codon

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Speaker 1: walking like she'd be at home getting ready, right, she

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Speaker 1: didn't realize that this song was stuck in her head

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Speaker 1: and fixing dinner, working on something all here, I'm like,

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Speaker 1: what the hell are you singing like? But it became

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Speaker 1: my model for life. It became my theme. I need

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Speaker 1: to get all the dollars clearly. So it translated for

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Speaker 1: mac to our everyday life, and then I manifested it

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Speaker 1: into our marriage absolutely. So look, we're gonna take a

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Speaker 1: quick break and then we're gonna get back into this

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Speaker 1: story time and why it's so important for people to

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Speaker 1: be able to discuss money with their spouses or significant

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Speaker 1: others if you're not married yet. So we're gonna take

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Speaker 1: a quick break and pay some bills. So we got

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Speaker 1: some dollars. Dollars that is what we need, all right.

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Speaker 1: So we're back. We're back, We're back. We're back those

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Speaker 1: college days. I think about this story times, right, I

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Speaker 1: want to I want to transition out of that into

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Speaker 1: a little bit of um. It was a Twitter battle

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Speaker 1: at one point earlier in the year, or I don't

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Speaker 1: know if it was Instagram or Twitter or Facebook, I

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Speaker 1: don't know. But there was a young lady who was

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Speaker 1: sitting next to her boyfriend, and she was talking about

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Speaker 1: how she makes her money. She gives her money to

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Speaker 1: her boyfriend. Her boyfriend gives her an allowance so she

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Speaker 1: can live or do whatever. People were clowning her because

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Speaker 1: they were saying she was giving her boyfriend too much control.

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Speaker 1: They were laughing at the amount that he gives her

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Speaker 1: per month, and he was like, what are you gonna

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Speaker 1: do with that? Blah blah blah blah blah. But um,

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Speaker 1: the bigger message that I got out of it was

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Speaker 1: that the two of them were working together for something

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Speaker 1: that works for them, and I wanted to talk a

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Speaker 1: little bit about how and why that's so important in

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Speaker 1: relationships because because um Kaudina and I didn't have a

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Speaker 1: lot of money, especially in college. I remember when I

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Speaker 1: was still on an allow once from my parents, and

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Speaker 1: my dad used to give me a hundred dollars a

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Speaker 1: month to get through the semester. Remember that hundred dollars

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Speaker 1: a month. My brother a hundred dollars a month on

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Speaker 1: dollars a day that you're talking about three dollars a day,

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Speaker 1: three dollars and thirty cents a day. I used to

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Speaker 1: My father used to give in and God bless my

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Speaker 1: Popsy gave me what he could. But my father, my

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Speaker 1: brother Brian would also send me a thousand dollars because

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Speaker 1: he used to get his stype and he would send

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Speaker 1: me a thousand dollars of his pell check because he

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Speaker 1: qualified for PAL. That was how I was able to

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Speaker 1: spread my money out and to do some extracurricular things

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Speaker 1: because my meal points was for food. But the hundred

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Speaker 1: dollars a month thousand dollars. Yeah, remember that one time

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Speaker 1: I went and bought them sneakers, so I had saved

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Speaker 1: I saved the hundred dollars a month and I never

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Speaker 1: spent it because I was balancing all my money and

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Speaker 1: I had about four hundred dollars left at the end

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Speaker 1: of the semester and those Jordans came out, those brand

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Speaker 1: new they were three hundred dollar pair Jordan's, and Codeine

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Speaker 1: was like, let's go, let's get something that you want.

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Speaker 1: So I went to the store, I bought these Jordan's,

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Speaker 1: got home instantly, got buyers more and I said, yo,

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Speaker 1: She's like, we happen. That's I'm taking these more. And

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Speaker 1: I took them Jordan's back because I just couldn't see

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Speaker 1: the value and having three dollar sneakers when I only

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Speaker 1: had four hundred dollars in my account. You were very

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Speaker 1: mature financially early, Like, there's a lot of things that

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Speaker 1: I feel like I just was not aware of because

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Speaker 1: my parents for the most part, just made sure like, okay,

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Speaker 1: things were taken care of. But there was never really

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Speaker 1: a lot of sit down lessons on finance per se.

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Speaker 1: You know, my dad would give me the general save

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Speaker 1: your money, you know, but um also to me just

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Speaker 1: trying to learn and grow and just do different things

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Speaker 1: with my money. Of course, I've learned that certain things

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Speaker 1: weren't a value. Um, certain things that it's had to

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Speaker 1: have in that moment because you know, you're a girl,

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Speaker 1: you're shopping, you see sues, you like, you know, you

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Speaker 1: want to treat yourself. Um. But yeah, I learned from

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Speaker 1: you very early on a lot when it came to

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Speaker 1: money and finances and stuff. So where did that come

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Speaker 1: from you? I think it was It was from my father, Like, um,

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Speaker 1: it's also upbringing. My my father explained to me real

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Speaker 1: early in life that it's my responsibility as a man

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Speaker 1: to be able to control my finances, even even in

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Speaker 1: the house. Like when you talk about allowance, right, it's

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Speaker 1: a trigger word for some people, predominantly women, because women

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Speaker 1: don't like to be controlled. But in my house and

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Speaker 1: in my grandparents house, my grandfather was the breadwinner. He

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Speaker 1: would come home, he would bring the checks home, give

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Speaker 1: it to my grandmother. My grandmother would pay all of

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Speaker 1: the bills, managed the household. She was the estate manager

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Speaker 1: back then, managed the household, make sure the kids had clothes,

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Speaker 1: make sure the food was taken care of, and then

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Speaker 1: she would give my grandfather an allowance, and what he

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Speaker 1: got he could do whatever he wanted to do with.

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Speaker 1: And it's funny to me to hear so many people

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Speaker 1: get triggered by the word allowance because it's all automatically

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Speaker 1: attached to a woman. It's like you have to give

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Speaker 1: a woman allowance, which is not always the case. We

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Speaker 1: think of allowance. You to give children allowances generally, So

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Speaker 1: of course it's a control thing because the parents may think, like,

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Speaker 1: you know what, my child may not be equipped to

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Speaker 1: know what to do with their money, they may squander

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Speaker 1: their money. So if I give them an allowance, absolutely

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Speaker 1: they can then manage it from there. So my biggest

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Speaker 1: thing about listening and you're absolutely right right when you

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Speaker 1: when you think about allowance, you think about a parent

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Speaker 1: giving a child an allowance, and no one wants to

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Speaker 1: feel like a child when you're an adult in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: But the truth of the matter is in the relationship,

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Speaker 1: one person is typically more apt to using money properly

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Speaker 1: than the other. Right, sometimes you have people evenly yoke financially,

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Speaker 1: but even they may not agree on different things. But

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Speaker 1: if one person has a higher business or financial acumen

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Speaker 1: and the other, it only makes sense to put the

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Speaker 1: other one on an allowance if they want to build

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Speaker 1: a life together. Perfect example, Codeine and I never called

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Speaker 1: it in allowance, but we really operate under the same circumstances. Right, um,

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Speaker 1: in today's life, Coadina and I four tax purposes and

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Speaker 1: because when you're into making money, you want to constantly

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Speaker 1: keep the money in your home. Right, So everyone in

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Speaker 1: the house is under an allowance number one. Right, So

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Speaker 1: all of our money comes in through our production company.

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Speaker 1: Because as influencers, as actors, as producers, um, you have

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Speaker 1: a loan out company and this protects your estate. So

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Speaker 1: rather than getting paid directly from Tyler Perry Studios or

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Speaker 1: when you do brand partnerships, they don't pay codem directly,

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Speaker 1: don't pay me directly, They pay our loan out company.

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Speaker 1: Our loan out company, which is an LLC, protects us

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Speaker 1: from being sued if there are ever any issues. We

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Speaker 1: also have our home or in the process of putting

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Speaker 1: our home and the majority of our assets in the

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Speaker 1: trust to protect us for safety reasons. With that being said,

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Speaker 1: all of our money comes to one big pot. So

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Speaker 1: it doesn't matter how much money I make, how much

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Speaker 1: money Condins makes. All the money coming to a big pot,

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Speaker 1: and it's not really a clocking you brought in this,

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Speaker 1: it's just it's not necessary. Well we do, that's why

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Speaker 1: she's on allow um. But now all the money comes

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Speaker 1: into a pot, and then from the pot it trickles

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Speaker 1: down to all the things we want to take care

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Speaker 1: of first. So once the money comes into the pot,

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Speaker 1: of course you take money out to pay taxes. But

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Speaker 1: since they pay our loan, our company and not our

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Speaker 1: us personally, we're allowed to write certain things off. So

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Speaker 1: first and foremost we have our four one K plans, I,

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Speaker 1: I A plans, and our plans that we have for

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Speaker 1: the boys, so we make sure when that lump sum

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Speaker 1: of money comes in, everything goes to protect them and

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Speaker 1: protect us long term. After that, Codeine and I both

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Speaker 1: take salaries from that loan out company, which ultimately means

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Speaker 1: we both get paid from the company that which is

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Speaker 1: a business. Like employees. Some people may call out and allowance,

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Speaker 1: but for us, it's a way for us to pay

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Speaker 1: ourselves what we think that we need in order to

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Speaker 1: survive from a month to month basis, and even from

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Speaker 1: then we get our money in a salary. That money

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Speaker 1: from a salary goes into one account, which is our

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Speaker 1: main account, checking account. But then both of us are

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Speaker 1: on an allowance because that money, after it comes at

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Speaker 1: the salary, we take money out to pay taxes. Then

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Speaker 1: we both have an expense account, and in that expense

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Speaker 1: account is our budgetary, our money we use budgetarily every month.

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Speaker 1: To say, you know what, if I wanted to blow

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Speaker 1: this money on shoes, I can because all of my

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Speaker 1: responsibilities are taken care of. If I wanted to save

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Speaker 1: it to to donate to a charity, I can do that.

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Speaker 1: If I want to save it to give my wife

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Speaker 1: something special for Christmas, I can do that without her knowing.

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Speaker 1: Now why do people ask why do y'all have so

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Speaker 1: many accounts and why do y'all feel to have different accounts?

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Speaker 1: It's clear if we had one account and I wanted

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Speaker 1: to surprise to them by getting her something, and she

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Speaker 1: has access to the account and she sees guccio weave

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Speaker 1: a time, she knows it's not for me, So she's

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Speaker 1: going to know that I bought something from her. We

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Speaker 1: try to at least give ourselves autonomy over our own finances.

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Speaker 1: Once we've taken care of all the responsibilities and now

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Speaker 1: we have the ability as individuals and adults to make

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Speaker 1: decisions on what we want to do. With the money

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Speaker 1: that we consider is an expense. One thing, Yeah, one

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Speaker 1: thing that I agree on early is that the main

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Speaker 1: household bills, the livelihood stuff, the children, investments, savings, all

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Speaker 1: of that has to be taken care of first. So

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Speaker 1: that's money that goes into the one big pot. Those

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Speaker 1: responsibilities are paramount. Then by the time devoting our sees

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Speaker 1: whatever money we've see in our separate accounts, that's like

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Speaker 1: literally the trickle down after the trickle down, because everything

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Speaker 1: is taken care of, and I can feel comfortable saying,

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Speaker 1: all right, this is money that I can do mice

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Speaker 1: miscellaneous things with, you know. So that's why I feel

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Speaker 1: comfort in knowing that I didn't know how this whole

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Speaker 1: hierarchy of finances was going to work, because again I

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Speaker 1: was not necessarily the one who was always savvy. I

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Speaker 1: remember days, you know, early on in our relationship, where

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Speaker 1: you know, I would just go and I would just devout.

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Speaker 1: Gave me this credit card. He put my name on

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Speaker 1: it to have me as an authorized user, because I

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Speaker 1: had no credit when I first met Um. My parents

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Speaker 1: didn't think of, I guess, putting me on a credit

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Speaker 1: card early on, even though my parents had my dad's

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Speaker 1: particularly has a really good credit didn't think to put

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Speaker 1: me on his credit card early so that way I

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Speaker 1: could be an authorized user and build my credit. So

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Speaker 1: when we met and I'm in college and it's like

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Speaker 1: the stuff I want to do, I want to get

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Speaker 1: a car, I have no credit, so Devot put me

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Speaker 1: on as a user, and I'm like, oh, I have

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Speaker 1: a credit card now, okay, great, what's the limit of

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Speaker 1: this credit cards? Great? So to me, I'm thinking, all right,

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Speaker 1: I can just go ahead and use this whenever I

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Speaker 1: needed to use it. And then Devout literally had to

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Speaker 1: explain to me like getting you know, you like this

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Speaker 1: interest on this card and you have to pay more

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Speaker 1: than the minimum and you have to and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: wait a second. So the trickery for me, I was like,

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Speaker 1: so you tricked me. You gave me all this money,

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Speaker 1: and then you tricked me because now I owe more

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Speaker 1: than the money I spent. And then it really had

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Speaker 1: me thinking more so about did I need this purchase

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Speaker 1: in that moment. You know, that taught me that lesson,

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Speaker 1: which is something that you wouldn't even think a spouse

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Speaker 1: or at that time my boyfriend would be teaching me.

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Speaker 1: And I could have felt away and been like, well,

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Speaker 1: the valuere treating me like a child whatever, whatever. And

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Speaker 1: I had moments where I felt like that, yeah, but

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Speaker 1: I then had to lean on him because I'm like,

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Speaker 1: all right, he just clearly knows more. If I was

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Speaker 1: able to make a hundred dollars a month stretch throughout

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Speaker 1: the entire school year to have four hundred dollars left

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Speaker 1: at the end of the school year, and I used

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Speaker 1: to look at him sometimes like how did you do it?

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Speaker 1: And it was really just because he was the stronger

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Speaker 1: partner when it came to that. And I say that

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Speaker 1: to say with the young lady who was getting all

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Speaker 1: of this backlash, maybe in their dynamic in their relationship,

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Speaker 1: her husband was the one that was a little bit

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Speaker 1: more savvy girlfriend. But that and that, and that's that's

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Speaker 1: I don't want to cut you or finish your thought,

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Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Yeah, But if their boyfriend

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Speaker 1: and girlfriend, they may have a common goal that they're

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Speaker 1: working towards. Maybe they're trying to build to save for

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Speaker 1: a house or for a wedding, or they know they

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Speaker 1: want to be engaged. That's the long term girl goal.

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Speaker 1: So they're like, all right, if we put each other

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Speaker 1: on some sort of allowance, or she may know I'm

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Speaker 1: not so good with money because I know if I

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Speaker 1: had this extra money here, I'm gonna blow it. So

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Speaker 1: she might have said, Babe, put me on this regiment

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Speaker 1: right now so I know what I am allowed to spend,

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Speaker 1: so that way I can have a little bit more control.

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Speaker 1: We just don't know. But that's what happens when you

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00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,880
Speaker 1: have those short minute videos and know and this, this

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Speaker 1: is what happens when you put things out into the

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Speaker 1: social media universe, and if you are expecting affirmation from

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Speaker 1: your peers that this is the right thing. That's why

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00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,679
Speaker 1: it's it's toxic. I hate using that works. Everyone use it.

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Speaker 1: It's toxic. But it's also like it's dumb because if

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Speaker 1: people don't know the inner workings of your relationship and

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00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,440
Speaker 1: you tell them what you're doing right, most people won't

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Speaker 1: even have enough context to give an educated opinion on

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Speaker 1: whether or not this makes any sense. And keywords like

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Speaker 1: allowance or he lets me or he allows me tend

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Speaker 1: to send people running in the opposite direction, especially if

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Speaker 1: they're single people watching a video. You know what I'm

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Speaker 1: saying that I ain't let nobody do this and and

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Speaker 1: it's like we as people have to stop judging other

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Speaker 1: couples for sharing information that works for them. Both of

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00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,399
Speaker 1: them telling this video looked extremely happy. I have to

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Speaker 1: say that it didn't look like she was under distress

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Speaker 1: an allowance, and seems she was like, this is what

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Speaker 1: we're doing together. And years from now, if they continue

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Speaker 1: to have that camaraderie and work together, when they're living

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Speaker 1: in their dream home with their kids and their nice

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Speaker 1: cards and they're working together, people are gonna say, uh,

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Speaker 1: that's why they did it. But at the time people

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Speaker 1: are not gonna understand. They're not gonna understand at all.

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Speaker 1: And I have friends who when I first gave Codeine

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Speaker 1: credit card this when I was playing in the NFL.

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Speaker 1: She was my girlfriend the time. She was not my wife,

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Speaker 1: she was not my fiance. But I saw that Condeen

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00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:07,719
Speaker 1: didn't have any credit. So my first thing was, we

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00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,879
Speaker 1: have to establish credit. Let's we have to get a

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00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,680
Speaker 1: card in your name, we have to get a credit

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00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:13,160
Speaker 1: card in your name, and we have to pay these

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00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,239
Speaker 1: bills on time in order to give you credit so

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Speaker 1: that you can start to make purchases. Because the greatest

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Speaker 1: asset you have is credit because you can use other

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Speaker 1: people's moneys to other people's money to provide you with

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Speaker 1: the lifestyle you need and pay it back on your

385
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:30,280
Speaker 1: terms if you're discipline. Plus, there's no liability. And this

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Speaker 1: is why it's important for people understand when it comes

387
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:35,000
Speaker 1: to credit there's no liability when you use a credit card,

388
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,840
Speaker 1: right you pay insurance on the credit card. If you

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00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:39,639
Speaker 1: go to use a credit card and someone gets your

390
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,720
Speaker 1: credit card numbers and they stipe the credit card for

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00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,720
Speaker 1: a million dollars dollars and it's not you, You were

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00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,600
Speaker 1: not responsible for that a million dollars, that's the credit

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Speaker 1: card company, and you pay insurance on that. If you

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00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,760
Speaker 1: use your debit card and they get your debit card

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Speaker 1: pin and they start taking money out of your account,

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Speaker 1: you're responsible for that money. While they figure it out,

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Speaker 1: that money won't be there. That's why of it it's

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00:20:00,359 --> 00:20:03,960
Speaker 1: so important. But I made a choice to help my

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00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:06,280
Speaker 1: girlfriend at the time build her credit because she and

400
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:10,560
Speaker 1: I always talked about planning life together. At the time

401
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Speaker 1: when Codeine was running up the credit card, didn't understand it,

402
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,600
Speaker 1: and I was trying to figure out because this wasn't

403
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,800
Speaker 1: only a mistake on Codeine's part. This is a mistake

404
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:21,440
Speaker 1: on my part not explaining how to use a credit card.

405
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:25,080
Speaker 1: I just assumed that her parents had to talk to

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00:20:25,119 --> 00:20:27,080
Speaker 1: her about credit cards the same way my father talked

407
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Speaker 1: to me. So I gave her the credit card, and

408
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,639
Speaker 1: then when the credit card was at his max, I

409
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:33,160
Speaker 1: was like, what did you do here? You only had

410
00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:34,720
Speaker 1: this card for two weeks, and she was just like,

411
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Speaker 1: I thought, that's how you used it. You used it

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Speaker 1: and then you pay it off. And I was just like, no,

413
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,760
Speaker 1: once you max out the credit card and you have

414
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,000
Speaker 1: it high, that will lower your credit score if you

415
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:45,760
Speaker 1: don't pay enough every month, and if you continuous to

416
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,600
Speaker 1: pay the minimum, you'll be paying more over time because

417
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,399
Speaker 1: you're only paying off interest and not the principle. I

418
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,480
Speaker 1: didn't explain that before I gave her the card because

419
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:56,600
Speaker 1: I was twenty two and she was twenty two. So

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Speaker 1: a lot of my friends was at the time, why

421
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:01,480
Speaker 1: would you give a credit card? Given her too much responsibility?

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00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,520
Speaker 1: And everybody had all of these opinions about how we

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00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:09,000
Speaker 1: should work right, and I was just like, uh, guys,

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00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:12,359
Speaker 1: this is my girlfriend, not yours, and it will all

425
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:15,000
Speaker 1: trying to give me solutions on what I should do.

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00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,359
Speaker 1: Take the credit card from make up, pay all of this,

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00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,560
Speaker 1: do this. And I was like, you know what, let

428
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,520
Speaker 1: me just speak to Cadein to figure out how we

429
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,199
Speaker 1: can figure this out together as opposed to trying to

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00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,840
Speaker 1: get advice from other people who are outside the context

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00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,840
Speaker 1: of our relationship. No. Absolutely, And it's crazy because just

432
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,560
Speaker 1: to this day now I will still maybe call the

433
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:37,480
Speaker 1: PTSD if you want, But to this day I will

434
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:40,000
Speaker 1: still call the VOW before I make certain purchases and

435
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:44,040
Speaker 1: be like, hey, I would like to get X y Z.

436
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:47,040
Speaker 1: Can I do this? Is this doable? And it's not

437
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:49,600
Speaker 1: a matter of just asking permission because you know people

438
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:54,119
Speaker 1: would because you gotta ask. It's just a matter of

439
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,400
Speaker 1: a of being considerate because I know our history when

440
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:59,000
Speaker 1: it comes to things like credit and money, um, and

441
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,240
Speaker 1: I know where I've come from. Um. And I still

442
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:05,000
Speaker 1: operate in a very broke mentality some days where I

443
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,240
Speaker 1: tell that there's like a fair of like going back

444
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,560
Speaker 1: to where we were at some point. So sometimes I

445
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:13,359
Speaker 1: still operating that mentality where deviose like Cadein, everything is

446
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:16,160
Speaker 1: taken care of. We've purposely said everything up this way,

447
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,000
Speaker 1: where whatever is in your account and you see there

448
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,800
Speaker 1: that's yours to do as you please with Like if

449
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:23,639
Speaker 1: you want to write an entire check for the entire

450
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,400
Speaker 1: amount and give it to somebody, do it because that's

451
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:29,800
Speaker 1: on you. Um. But I just think because we're married,

452
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,119
Speaker 1: and because we're in a relationship, and because I value

453
00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:33,960
Speaker 1: his opinion, and because I know we have plans and

454
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:38,080
Speaker 1: I know we have goals, I prefer to sometimes still

455
00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:40,840
Speaker 1: consult with my husband and say, hey, do you think

456
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,960
Speaker 1: that this is wise for me to make this purchase now?

457
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:46,160
Speaker 1: Or should I wait till X y Z is done

458
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,760
Speaker 1: before I decide to make this purchase? Or can we

459
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,400
Speaker 1: find a way to make this a purchase that makes

460
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,280
Speaker 1: sense for the company so we can write this off

461
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:58,879
Speaker 1: where it can Should we mutually benefit us personally but

462
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:02,560
Speaker 1: also fessional right? You know, there's so many ways to

463
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:06,080
Speaker 1: finagle the system now that I think more and more

464
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:11,639
Speaker 1: even just don't the system. Utilize the system for what

465
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,480
Speaker 1: it is used for. Because so many systems are put

466
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,160
Speaker 1: in place to be used against us, this is one

467
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,879
Speaker 1: way we as a family can utilize this system to

468
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:25,040
Speaker 1: benefit us. So it ain't fenagling, it ain't fanagling, it's

469
00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:27,399
Speaker 1: how the system is supposed to be used. Don't be

470
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:29,680
Speaker 1: mad at me because now we're smart enough to set

471
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,680
Speaker 1: up a trust and add our kids to be beneficiaries

472
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:34,119
Speaker 1: of the trust, and they don't get tax for that

473
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,959
Speaker 1: money as a beneficiary, as opposed to making them an

474
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,520
Speaker 1: employee and them getting taxed and then the business getting taxed.

475
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:44,640
Speaker 1: That that's just the system, that's not fnagling. And and

476
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:48,400
Speaker 1: that is the reason why Codeine and I talk about everything.

477
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:51,600
Speaker 1: When I tell you it's not only just Codeine. When

478
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,159
Speaker 1: I say I got to talk to my wife about this,

479
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:55,040
Speaker 1: or talk to my wife about that, you always get

480
00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:57,240
Speaker 1: the side of like you gotta ask permission, Oh, you

481
00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,520
Speaker 1: gotta do this. And I told us the bread winner,

482
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,879
Speaker 1: Yes I'm the breadwinner. Yes, yes, I am the breadwinner.

483
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,440
Speaker 1: But that doesn't mean that I get to make all

484
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:09,800
Speaker 1: the financial decisions by myself on my own because I'm

485
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:13,440
Speaker 1: the breadwinner. Kaudine and I have planned everything in life

486
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:17,639
Speaker 1: together from everything. That doesn't stop just because one person

487
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,399
Speaker 1: is making more money than the other. And the sooner

488
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,840
Speaker 1: you realize that and stop listening to the world tell

489
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,920
Speaker 1: you how you're supposed to communicate in your marriage and

490
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:30,080
Speaker 1: your relationship, you'll be better off to stop listening to people.

491
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:32,439
Speaker 1: If this works for y'all. This Nothing works without a

492
00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:35,280
Speaker 1: plan in life. Nothing works on a plan in life.

493
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:36,560
Speaker 1: And that and that brings us to a lot of

494
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:39,840
Speaker 1: the points that we we have here because people ask

495
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:42,680
Speaker 1: us all the time, right, where do we start when

496
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,960
Speaker 1: it comes to planning our life together? You know? When

497
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,920
Speaker 1: it starts with when it comes to managing your money

498
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:50,879
Speaker 1: as a financial as like what were you going to say? Well? No,

499
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,439
Speaker 1: where does where? Does? Where? Does? It start with a talk?

500
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:57,320
Speaker 1: A conversation, and those typically are the conversations that lead

501
00:24:57,359 --> 00:25:02,080
Speaker 1: to allowance, permission, this, and then people feeling they can

502
00:25:02,119 --> 00:25:05,800
Speaker 1: be uncomfortable. But when other people here couples use those words,

503
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,639
Speaker 1: they get uncomfortable because they're like, wait a minute, I

504
00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:12,840
Speaker 1: don't want anyone else to have any control over what

505
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,680
Speaker 1: I do. And that's the levels to it too, because

506
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:19,000
Speaker 1: other than having the conversations just about finances and how

507
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,240
Speaker 1: to distribute money and what to do with it, then

508
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:25,200
Speaker 1: you have those uncomfortable conversations about well, this person makes

509
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,720
Speaker 1: more money than that person, so this person should have

510
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:31,680
Speaker 1: more I guess um, it should have more to say

511
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:34,040
Speaker 1: about where the money goes because they make more money.

512
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,639
Speaker 1: Or there's the animosity that rises. If someone's not pulling

513
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:41,120
Speaker 1: their weight and then still want to reap the benefits

514
00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:44,119
Speaker 1: of those finances. You know what happens, then you're You're

515
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,280
Speaker 1: absolutely right when it comes to that. But I'll give

516
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:48,240
Speaker 1: you a perfect example. I got a buddy who doesn't

517
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:52,159
Speaker 1: make as much money as his wife. His wife is

518
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,639
Speaker 1: a breadwinner. She's an executive. I think she's an executive

519
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,760
Speaker 1: at a company. I forgot which company she is, but

520
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:01,480
Speaker 1: I don't want to out them because this is But

521
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:06,040
Speaker 1: he works in transit. She makes way more money. She

522
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,720
Speaker 1: works in the private sector. She makes She's just a

523
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:12,080
Speaker 1: money making machine. He works in transit, but he understands

524
00:26:12,119 --> 00:26:15,440
Speaker 1: finances and resources, and she still comes home as his bank.

525
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,479
Speaker 1: How are we going to do this? They live a

526
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:21,359
Speaker 1: great life because it doesn't matter to her that she

527
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,640
Speaker 1: makes more money. Her husband has a better financial acumen.

528
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:27,760
Speaker 1: So when it comes to making decisions on her setting

529
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,320
Speaker 1: up her LLC or that, she went to her husband

530
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:33,120
Speaker 1: and he never felt uncomfortable saying, well, my wife makes

531
00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:35,800
Speaker 1: more money than me, so I'm emasculated. No, it was

532
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:37,600
Speaker 1: just like, all right, my wife makes my money. To me,

533
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:40,240
Speaker 1: at least I can help her manage us into a

534
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:44,720
Speaker 1: better situation, make it grow, and that's ultimately what they did.

535
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:49,000
Speaker 1: He he used her money because she made more money

536
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:51,480
Speaker 1: to them start a real estate company. And now they

537
00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:55,920
Speaker 1: own several properties, several storefronts. And when you ask them now,

538
00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:59,520
Speaker 1: he doesn't say I'm the breadwinner because this was my idea.

539
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:04,440
Speaker 1: She doesn't say I'm the breadwinner. They say they say, collectively,

540
00:27:05,119 --> 00:27:08,400
Speaker 1: this is what we've done together. So maybe they started

541
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:11,639
Speaker 1: with her being a breadwinner and he being a smarter financially.

542
00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:14,000
Speaker 1: But now at this point they're in their late thirties.

543
00:27:14,119 --> 00:27:16,679
Speaker 1: They own a real estate company together and they both

544
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:19,560
Speaker 1: call themselves equal partners in the real estate company. But

545
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:22,800
Speaker 1: it started with those conversations and leaving the ego aside,

546
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:27,119
Speaker 1: understanding who in this situation is smarter, because when it

547
00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:32,080
Speaker 1: comes to planning trips, doctor's appointments, schools, when stuff with

548
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:35,480
Speaker 1: the kids, I don't I'm liking what are we doing

549
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:38,399
Speaker 1: like I'm I don't. It's there's no I'm sticking my

550
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:40,119
Speaker 1: foot down because I'm the man of the house and

551
00:27:40,119 --> 00:27:42,320
Speaker 1: I make the most money. It's like, listen, you're way

552
00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:46,160
Speaker 1: more responsible and way more apt to make decisions when

553
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:48,840
Speaker 1: it comes to this. So what are we doing. Even

554
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,280
Speaker 1: when it came down to where we live, you would

555
00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:54,720
Speaker 1: think weaknesses, right, you would think that because I'm the

556
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:56,639
Speaker 1: bread winner. I would say, well, I'm choosing where we

557
00:27:56,680 --> 00:28:01,520
Speaker 1: live and I'm choosing the house. Nope, codem based where

558
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:05,439
Speaker 1: we lived on the kid's educational process. So she was

559
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:09,440
Speaker 1: like where it started. Anywhere we're looking, we're the best

560
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,080
Speaker 1: play exactly, and we branch that from there. So when

561
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,200
Speaker 1: it comes to managing your money as a married couple,

562
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:16,600
Speaker 1: there's no one size fits all solution. It's pretty much

563
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:19,000
Speaker 1: what we're saying. Tip Number one for managing your money

564
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,840
Speaker 1: with your spouse is to talk to your spouse about money.

565
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,399
Speaker 1: That's what I was saying before. The first thing you talk, talk,

566
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:28,520
Speaker 1: figure out what your preferences are, where you both where

567
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,879
Speaker 1: you both are at financially, and decide what's best for

568
00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:33,639
Speaker 1: you and where you want to be. Right. Um, but

569
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,720
Speaker 1: if you're struggling to figure out where to start money,

570
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:39,440
Speaker 1: experts have broken down some effective ways to think about

571
00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:42,200
Speaker 1: managing your money as a couple. So get out of

572
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:44,440
Speaker 1: pen and the paper because this is going to be

573
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:47,000
Speaker 1: one of those podcasts where you can take some notes

574
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:49,840
Speaker 1: and say, you know what I walked away better because

575
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:54,000
Speaker 1: of this. And this also doesn't matter if you're married, engaged, dating,

576
00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:56,840
Speaker 1: or single. Listen to some of these tips because if

577
00:28:56,880 --> 00:28:59,120
Speaker 1: you plan to create a life with someone, this is

578
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:01,200
Speaker 1: stuff you want to know before you even get into

579
00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:05,160
Speaker 1: that serious relationship talk. Money talks are very very important

580
00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:07,320
Speaker 1: because Kadina and I say this all the time. Marriage

581
00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:11,360
Speaker 1: is a business. It's a business. You gotta foul taxes together,

582
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:14,080
Speaker 1: you have to register your license and under a state

583
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:16,280
Speaker 1: like These are things that you have to do as

584
00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:18,440
Speaker 1: a business. So it's important for you guys to be

585
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:23,160
Speaker 1: able to talk of Couples don't combine finances and manage

586
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:29,760
Speaker 1: money completely separately. People who manage money separately from their

587
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:33,080
Speaker 1: partners are five times more likely to leave their partner

588
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:36,719
Speaker 1: due to money issues, and a third of couples admit

589
00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:40,120
Speaker 1: to arguing about money at least once a month. Question,

590
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:45,240
Speaker 1: when's the last time we've argued about money? Yeah, we haven't.

591
00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:49,360
Speaker 1: It's been it's been a minute, it's been Oh, I

592
00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:52,400
Speaker 1: remember it, do you? Yes? This was It was the

593
00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:57,120
Speaker 1: Christmas before Cairo was born. Because this was I remember

594
00:29:57,120 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 1: when you walk into the gym that day and we

595
00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:01,840
Speaker 1: had talked about beginning a divorce because you didn't have

596
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:04,760
Speaker 1: no energy to work out and I was like, oh,

597
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:07,360
Speaker 1: we argue. We argue about sex, we argue about money.

598
00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,360
Speaker 1: And we had just had an argument because Christmas time,

599
00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:13,120
Speaker 1: Remember we had spent money on family members and we

600
00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:15,520
Speaker 1: had tried to create a budget, and of course, as always,

601
00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:17,800
Speaker 1: we both went over the budget. And by the time

602
00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:20,400
Speaker 1: the American Express bill came back, it was like, how

603
00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:23,400
Speaker 1: how is this possible? And it's going through and who

604
00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:26,000
Speaker 1: bought what win? And why? That was the last time

605
00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:31,320
Speaker 1: because we argued that January you told me you were pregnant,

606
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:33,120
Speaker 1: and at that point we were just like, all right,

607
00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:35,560
Speaker 1: we need to focus on communicating better. That's the last

608
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:39,840
Speaker 1: time we argue about money. So we don't that January

609
00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:45,000
Speaker 1: two six years and that's a very very deliberate plans, yes,

610
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:47,720
Speaker 1: about finances and where we wanted to because we knew

611
00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:49,280
Speaker 1: at that point we had more kids coming and it

612
00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:50,480
Speaker 1: was like, all right, we got to get out of

613
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:52,200
Speaker 1: this apartment in Brooklyn. How is that going to happen?

614
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:55,440
Speaker 1: So yeah, all right, so we're gona start. You talk right,

615
00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:57,960
Speaker 1: find out if your partner is a saver or a spender.

616
00:30:58,800 --> 00:31:01,320
Speaker 1: That's a good place to start talk about credit scores

617
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,920
Speaker 1: and debt. Kind of nice to meet you, Oh awesome,

618
00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:07,880
Speaker 1: what's your credit score? Like? On the very fast beginning

619
00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:11,240
Speaker 1: if you're If you're dating, and we don't, we don't

620
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:13,640
Speaker 1: typically do this like these are the five questions you

621
00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:17,040
Speaker 1: should ask when you meet someone. But I believe that

622
00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:22,640
Speaker 1: if you're dating deliberately speaking about finances. Credit card debt

623
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:28,560
Speaker 1: is extremely important. School debt is extremely important because we

624
00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:32,440
Speaker 1: have family members who cannot move forward with their life

625
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:35,080
Speaker 1: because one family member is in a lot of debt

626
00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:38,000
Speaker 1: and they can't get approved to purpose purchase a home

627
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:41,400
Speaker 1: because of the debt that family member, well that spouse

628
00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:44,400
Speaker 1: is carrying. Once again, not trying to out anybody, but um,

629
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:47,360
Speaker 1: we sat down with this couple and they cried to

630
00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:50,160
Speaker 1: us and m A large part of the reason why

631
00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:55,360
Speaker 1: the debt was carried over was from intergenerational debt. When

632
00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:57,640
Speaker 1: your parents put you on the phone bill, you want

633
00:31:57,680 --> 00:31:59,800
Speaker 1: a car, I'll put you on a mortgage and you

634
00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:05,080
Speaker 1: don't know you why I've had all these responsibilities and

635
00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:08,120
Speaker 1: I can't write my name. Now you're an adult and

636
00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:11,640
Speaker 1: your credit scores a five something because you have things

637
00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:14,760
Speaker 1: in collection because of things that happened to generations before you.

638
00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:16,960
Speaker 1: So these are conversations you have to have if you're

639
00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:20,920
Speaker 1: deliberately dating people. Absolutely figure out what your partner's relationship

640
00:32:21,080 --> 00:32:24,280
Speaker 1: with an attitude about money is or towards the money.

641
00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:28,920
Speaker 1: Recognize your differences, set expectations together, no judgment, and just

642
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:32,920
Speaker 1: be completely honest. Codeine and I all of these things.

643
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:39,320
Speaker 1: Codine and I when we recognizing your differences. Codeine is

644
00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:44,120
Speaker 1: the oldest child her parents. Her mom in particular, spoils

645
00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:48,280
Speaker 1: all of them, and I grew up only child. I

646
00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:50,600
Speaker 1: would say I was spoiled as well, but my father

647
00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:55,120
Speaker 1: did a really good job of explaining to me how

648
00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:58,880
Speaker 1: money works. So Codeine and I came from two different upbringings,

649
00:32:59,520 --> 00:33:02,520
Speaker 1: so we had two different relationships with money definitely. So

650
00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:04,880
Speaker 1: when we started to make money, and this is important, right,

651
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:10,320
Speaker 1: people think not having money is the problem. Mhmm. Actually

652
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:13,160
Speaker 1: having money is the problem. Because Kadine and I, when

653
00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:15,800
Speaker 1: we were both broke in college never had issues with

654
00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:18,640
Speaker 1: money because we didn't have any. It was when we

655
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:20,800
Speaker 1: started to make money, when I made it to the NFL,

656
00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:23,560
Speaker 1: is when now the problems came. You know, they say,

657
00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:26,400
Speaker 1: more money, more problems. The problems came because we actually

658
00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:30,760
Speaker 1: have something to argue over. There's there's a resource that

659
00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:32,760
Speaker 1: we have to figure out how to use, or there's

660
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:36,320
Speaker 1: an educational process that's happening for me that I felt

661
00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:39,080
Speaker 1: stupid about because I'm just like, why was that oblivious

662
00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:41,920
Speaker 1: to all this stuff? Now I look dumb in this relationship,

663
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,960
Speaker 1: you know what. I had my moments where I felt stupid, like, damn, K,

664
00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:46,560
Speaker 1: you should have known this stuff, where you should have

665
00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:48,640
Speaker 1: researched it. But I had no idea the repercussions of

666
00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:51,000
Speaker 1: certain things that I was doing, just because I was like, oh,

667
00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:52,760
Speaker 1: I never had to worry about it before. Well, let's

668
00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:55,600
Speaker 1: be honest. Remember when we spoke to Tiffany al the

669
00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:59,000
Speaker 1: budget need stuff. We talked about the relationship in our

670
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:03,400
Speaker 1: cultures that uh, black women have with money as opposed

671
00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:07,400
Speaker 1: to black men. Right. Um statistics show that the biggest

672
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:11,800
Speaker 1: spenders in this country are black women. Right, So whenever

673
00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:15,360
Speaker 1: they have marketing campaigns, they market towards black women. And

674
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:18,280
Speaker 1: I remember Tiffany Alicia explaining to us that in her house,

675
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:21,120
Speaker 1: it was it's just her and her sisters. Her dad

676
00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:25,480
Speaker 1: never talked to them about finances, and it's it's almost

677
00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:28,160
Speaker 1: like it's unfair when you have daughters. You don't speak

678
00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:31,160
Speaker 1: to your daughters about finances. You buy them nice things,

679
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:33,920
Speaker 1: you spoil them, you tell them they're worthy and deserving

680
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:36,520
Speaker 1: of everything they want in life, but you don't teach them.

681
00:34:36,719 --> 00:34:37,960
Speaker 1: I thought it was the other way, and I thought

682
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:39,919
Speaker 1: her father did teach them about money, and that's where

683
00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:42,799
Speaker 1: she got it from. No, because remember she says she struggled.

684
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:45,680
Speaker 1: Remember she said she was broke, she was struggled. But

685
00:34:45,880 --> 00:34:47,680
Speaker 1: but I remember her, and you may be right, but

686
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:51,800
Speaker 1: I remember her and I talking about when she she

687
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:53,879
Speaker 1: had moments of struggle. But when we when she talked

688
00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:57,560
Speaker 1: about meeting with people about resources, a large part of

689
00:34:57,600 --> 00:35:00,120
Speaker 1: the time, it's women who have never been taught how

690
00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:03,480
Speaker 1: to manage, because that's never been an expectation. It's always

691
00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:07,040
Speaker 1: been you know, oh, when you get married, your man

692
00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:09,520
Speaker 1: will be the provider and you're supposed to do X

693
00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:12,719
Speaker 1: y Z as opposed to men. More men are taught

694
00:35:12,719 --> 00:35:15,560
Speaker 1: about finances early on because that's the expectation. It's a

695
00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:19,319
Speaker 1: social construct that it's very sexist. But I remember her

696
00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:21,319
Speaker 1: and not having this conversation, and she was saying, it's

697
00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:23,879
Speaker 1: very true, like if if you had daughter's devout, would

698
00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:27,279
Speaker 1: you speak to your daughters about finances? And I had

699
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:29,480
Speaker 1: to stop and think for a second, and I had

700
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:31,080
Speaker 1: to say and I had to say to myself, Wow,

701
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:33,440
Speaker 1: I don't have any daughters, so I never thought about it.

702
00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:37,320
Speaker 1: But I would probably spoil my daughters differently than I

703
00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:40,120
Speaker 1: spoiled my son's because I and also they see how

704
00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:43,480
Speaker 1: I treat you, so it's like, Okay, dad does this

705
00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:45,759
Speaker 1: for mom the same way my father spoiled the hell

706
00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:48,960
Speaker 1: out of my mom. My father handles the finances in

707
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,320
Speaker 1: the house, and my mom just says, hey, Troy, whatever

708
00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:53,279
Speaker 1: it is we're doing, if we move in left, then

709
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:55,200
Speaker 1: we move in left. Like that's how my parents roll.

710
00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:58,319
Speaker 1: So that's how he was very purposeful with making sure

711
00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:02,640
Speaker 1: that you knew what as a man and it's important.

712
00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:06,200
Speaker 1: I was saying, it's it's important for us to take

713
00:36:06,239 --> 00:36:11,000
Speaker 1: the time out with our daughters. Yes, you you are

714
00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:12,719
Speaker 1: going to be spoiled. You need to find a man

715
00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:14,960
Speaker 1: that can protect and providing all this other stuff, but

716
00:36:15,480 --> 00:36:19,359
Speaker 1: you need to understand finances because until you find that man,

717
00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:22,359
Speaker 1: you need to be able to exist in this world

718
00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:26,879
Speaker 1: as a fully functioning, independent woman and I think there's

719
00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:28,800
Speaker 1: a movement more for that now too, for men to

720
00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:30,640
Speaker 1: have their own and do their own need a man

721
00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:33,120
Speaker 1: like think about that. That's that's the narrative that's spewed

722
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:36,040
Speaker 1: a lot now too. So I'm glad you brought that up.

723
00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:40,839
Speaker 1: Being an independent person. If you feel an independent woman,

724
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,120
Speaker 1: if you feel that you don't need a man, then

725
00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:45,960
Speaker 1: you don't need to be in a relationship. But you

726
00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:49,480
Speaker 1: can't be in a relationship with a man and say

727
00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:51,880
Speaker 1: I don't need a man, because then your actions are

728
00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:55,800
Speaker 1: saying something that your words are not. And it's the

729
00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:57,480
Speaker 1: same thing for a man. I don't need a woman

730
00:36:57,520 --> 00:36:59,200
Speaker 1: to do nothing. I can just do this on my own.

731
00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:02,200
Speaker 1: If that's how you feel, can't be in a relationship

732
00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:05,239
Speaker 1: because in relationships about serving each other. If you feel

733
00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:07,520
Speaker 1: you don't need this person and you don't want to

734
00:37:07,560 --> 00:37:09,640
Speaker 1: talk a converse with them about anything you have going on,

735
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:11,680
Speaker 1: whether you're a man or a woman, you're setting yourself

736
00:37:11,719 --> 00:37:14,719
Speaker 1: off a failure. There has to be an understanding that,

737
00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:18,080
Speaker 1: regardless of what your needs are, you want to be

738
00:37:18,320 --> 00:37:20,839
Speaker 1: in constant communication with this person so that you can

739
00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:25,759
Speaker 1: do life together. And that's important, absolutely absolutely. So let

740
00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:27,359
Speaker 1: me think what are your options now when it comes

741
00:37:27,400 --> 00:37:32,200
Speaker 1: to finances, being married, being together? Combine everything, right, so

742
00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:33,759
Speaker 1: you can combine everything and make sure that you have

743
00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:38,759
Speaker 1: similar spending patterns, habits, and behaviors. Otherwise you disagree and

744
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:43,120
Speaker 1: start arguing about money. Agree to spending thresholds between you,

745
00:37:43,440 --> 00:37:45,279
Speaker 1: so if you want to pay for something that's more

746
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:48,480
Speaker 1: expensive than the threshold, you both need to agree first

747
00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:51,279
Speaker 1: to avoid the argument. So I feel like that's something

748
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:52,920
Speaker 1: that we kind of started to do when we were

749
00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:57,920
Speaker 1: working together having the conversation. We combine everything, but it's

750
00:37:57,920 --> 00:37:59,480
Speaker 1: a little bit of a hybrid, you know what I'm saying.

751
00:37:59,520 --> 00:38:02,239
Speaker 1: We don't have one account that all the money comes out.

752
00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:05,640
Speaker 1: You know, we've we've already put the thresholds in place.

753
00:38:05,760 --> 00:38:07,399
Speaker 1: And this was part of my plan. This was part

754
00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:09,440
Speaker 1: of what I wanted when I saw my life as

755
00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:12,040
Speaker 1: a late team. I just had this vision of not

756
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:15,200
Speaker 1: ever wanting to worry about money. So I wanted to

757
00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:18,360
Speaker 1: make it and I wanted to prepare my life for

758
00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:20,520
Speaker 1: the future. And by the time the money gets to

759
00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:22,920
Speaker 1: my account where I can spend it, I'm not worried

760
00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:25,200
Speaker 1: about my future. At this point. I want all of

761
00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:27,800
Speaker 1: these uh systems in place to make sure when the

762
00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:29,920
Speaker 1: money gets to my expense account, I could blow it

763
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:31,359
Speaker 1: in a day if I want to. I could save

764
00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:33,279
Speaker 1: it and I want to and and you and I

765
00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:39,080
Speaker 1: work to make that plan bring that plane into fruition tears.

766
00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:42,359
Speaker 1: But it's it's not the same as two people having

767
00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:46,359
Speaker 1: one saving account, one checking account and us constantly going

768
00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:47,880
Speaker 1: back and forth and saying I'm gonna buy this. Are

769
00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:50,360
Speaker 1: you okay with that? Yeah? And that's that would just

770
00:38:50,360 --> 00:38:52,759
Speaker 1: be a bit much too. I feel like if that's

771
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:54,480
Speaker 1: the point, if they're at that point, then it's just

772
00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:56,600
Speaker 1: like come on out. But if that works for you,

773
00:38:57,400 --> 00:38:59,120
Speaker 1: then it works for you because there's also a second

774
00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:00,920
Speaker 1: option there it success and buying your money. But the

775
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:03,839
Speaker 1: main earner gives the other an allowance, right, make sure

776
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:06,040
Speaker 1: you both feel comfortable with the idea of an allowance

777
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:10,000
Speaker 1: should not be seen as favor, oh as a favor

778
00:39:10,280 --> 00:39:13,080
Speaker 1: if one partner is looking after the kids or working

779
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:16,840
Speaker 1: as a career, that's a job too, okay, So it

780
00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:18,879
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if one person looking after the kids or whatever,

781
00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:21,200
Speaker 1: but that's that's part of the job. Talk about all

782
00:39:21,239 --> 00:39:24,880
Speaker 1: types of expenditures um that needs to be covered by

783
00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:28,040
Speaker 1: the allowance and make sure the monthly or weekly amount

784
00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:31,360
Speaker 1: is enough. So I think I think that's kind of

785
00:39:31,480 --> 00:39:38,760
Speaker 1: where we are. But we have separate accounts, Like, well,

786
00:39:39,239 --> 00:39:41,040
Speaker 1: it's not one of those things where you're standing there

787
00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:43,719
Speaker 1: every Monday with them with your hand out, like I

788
00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:46,279
Speaker 1: think that's where people in envision. I honestly think that's

789
00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:48,600
Speaker 1: what people envision that there is just like this very

790
00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:51,719
Speaker 1: like archaic way of trying to say, here, let me

791
00:39:51,800 --> 00:39:54,080
Speaker 1: hand your money, hatch in your hands, let me give

792
00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:57,640
Speaker 1: you these coins. You know, that's not how it's working. No,

793
00:39:57,760 --> 00:39:59,919
Speaker 1: it's not this this one. That one is more about.

794
00:40:00,760 --> 00:40:03,120
Speaker 1: You know, we have a separate account, but I make

795
00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:04,960
Speaker 1: more money, and say, for examber one is to stay

796
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:07,920
Speaker 1: at home mom or dad, then that person has no

797
00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:11,280
Speaker 1: resources to generate. So then it's like, okay, in my account,

798
00:40:11,800 --> 00:40:13,600
Speaker 1: what do I have. At that point you have to

799
00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:16,320
Speaker 1: have a conversation, of course, unless you give that person

800
00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:20,120
Speaker 1: access to the big account, and in which case, if

801
00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:23,600
Speaker 1: that person doesn't understand money, that can cause trouble because now,

802
00:40:23,719 --> 00:40:25,239
Speaker 1: when you remember, we used to have this issue too.

803
00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:27,920
Speaker 1: Becaudine used to look in the account and be like, oh,

804
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:31,080
Speaker 1: so that's what we got. So if I spend this

805
00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:34,239
Speaker 1: little bit amount then not that big a deal when

806
00:40:34,239 --> 00:40:37,520
Speaker 1: the money was already spent, right you you see all

807
00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:39,400
Speaker 1: that money there that goes into the f own k,

808
00:40:39,719 --> 00:40:43,520
Speaker 1: that goes to the right, that goes to that has

809
00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:45,480
Speaker 1: to be a mortgage. So that now it's like I

810
00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:48,520
Speaker 1: still be checking. I'm like, so you sure? Then what

811
00:40:48,680 --> 00:40:51,640
Speaker 1: I see in my account here is my money that

812
00:40:51,719 --> 00:40:54,040
Speaker 1: I can do whatever I want with, Okay, And still

813
00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:57,200
Speaker 1: I'll be over here man frugal, Like, yeah, you've definitely

814
00:40:57,200 --> 00:41:01,719
Speaker 1: you've definitely changed. You definitely definitely got mindset. Your mindset

815
00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:05,120
Speaker 1: has changed. So it's allowed us to live in abundance

816
00:41:05,200 --> 00:41:07,680
Speaker 1: now because we've become savers. Beca Dean was never a

817
00:41:07,719 --> 00:41:09,759
Speaker 1: saver because if you think about it, in your life,

818
00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:12,200
Speaker 1: you've never had anything to save for. Like what were

819
00:41:12,239 --> 00:41:15,120
Speaker 1: you saving for? You know what I'm saying. So and

820
00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:18,239
Speaker 1: I've always been a saver because my dad always gave us,

821
00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:22,279
Speaker 1: like money in small amounts. So from the time I

822
00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:25,839
Speaker 1: was fourteen, I'll never forget my father would give us

823
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:27,920
Speaker 1: I think it was two fifty a day. He had

824
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,160
Speaker 1: coins and he had dollars in his bottom drawer. We

825
00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:31,960
Speaker 1: would get two fifty a day. And I was a

826
00:41:32,040 --> 00:41:34,239
Speaker 1: freshman in high school, and I used to remember that

827
00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:36,960
Speaker 1: if I would save ten dollars by the end of

828
00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:38,400
Speaker 1: the week, I can go to Rag a Muffin on

829
00:41:38,440 --> 00:41:43,439
Speaker 1: Flatbush Avenue and buy me a Polo shirt. Yeah, because

830
00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:51,120
Speaker 1: they had they had, yes, yes, so they had all

831
00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:53,239
Speaker 1: the shirts on wholesale. So I was like, you get

832
00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:56,000
Speaker 1: me a long sleeve Polo a Polo T shirt for

833
00:41:56,120 --> 00:42:00,640
Speaker 1: ten dollars. Were sounded like dinosaurs ago I was nine.

834
00:42:00,680 --> 00:42:03,920
Speaker 1: When when did I can't even get one of Amazon.

835
00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:06,560
Speaker 1: There's no name for ten, not for these boys. But

836
00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:08,520
Speaker 1: let a look at the little like lessons that your

837
00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:10,959
Speaker 1: dad was teaching you so early on. Like I wonder

838
00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:12,839
Speaker 1: if he was purposeful about that giving you the two

839
00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:14,480
Speaker 1: fifty day or was he just thinking, oh, well, this

840
00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:16,359
Speaker 1: is gonna be their little snack money for the day.

841
00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:18,480
Speaker 1: That's not knowing that he was teaching you a lesson

842
00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:21,440
Speaker 1: in like finance that early on. That's exactly what he was,

843
00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:26,680
Speaker 1: he told me, you know, And this is so if

844
00:42:26,719 --> 00:42:28,879
Speaker 1: you went to the corner store, you can get a bacon,

845
00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:32,680
Speaker 1: egg and cheese, a juice, and possibly like a devil

846
00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:35,120
Speaker 1: dog and that would be two fifty. So he was

847
00:42:35,160 --> 00:42:37,319
Speaker 1: giving me enough money to get something to eat. They

848
00:42:37,400 --> 00:42:40,520
Speaker 1: had nothing to do with um enterprising. But I got

849
00:42:40,560 --> 00:42:43,839
Speaker 1: to a point where I was saving up money. God

850
00:42:43,880 --> 00:42:47,440
Speaker 1: forgive me. I was saving up money and buying fake

851
00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:54,160
Speaker 1: Coojie sweaters. I was selling the fake Coojie sweaters. So, yeah,

852
00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:56,799
Speaker 1: I do not know about this whole business you had

853
00:42:57,560 --> 00:43:00,640
Speaker 1: entrepreneur from early. See one of my homeboys in Madison,

854
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:04,880
Speaker 1: Russian dude. He used to get fake Coogie sweaters, right,

855
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:07,239
Speaker 1: and he used the tags to say Coogie blue. It

856
00:43:07,360 --> 00:43:09,879
Speaker 1: wasn't real Coogie, said Coogie Blue. But at the time,

857
00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:12,719
Speaker 1: this is when Biggie was making Coogie's hot, nobody in

858
00:43:12,760 --> 00:43:15,520
Speaker 1: the hood really knew what a real Coodie sweater looked like.

859
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:17,440
Speaker 1: I'm saying, and if you look close enough to a

860
00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:20,759
Speaker 1: Coodie swealler dudes a bite. So I used to save

861
00:43:20,880 --> 00:43:23,880
Speaker 1: up my money and then I was cutting here. So

862
00:43:23,920 --> 00:43:25,480
Speaker 1: I used to say to myself, like, yeah, I'm gonna

863
00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:27,720
Speaker 1: get two one hundred dollars. I gets to a hundred dollars,

864
00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:30,560
Speaker 1: I could bomb me to fake Coogie sweaters, but then

865
00:43:30,600 --> 00:43:32,839
Speaker 1: I would sell both of them four hundred dollars each

866
00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:35,319
Speaker 1: because Coogie sweaters at that time was costing over two

867
00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:37,319
Speaker 1: hundred dollars. So if you can get a coolie sweater

868
00:43:37,360 --> 00:43:39,719
Speaker 1: for a hundred, you making it getting big money. So

869
00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:41,879
Speaker 1: I was saving my money. I got a whole bunch

870
00:43:41,880 --> 00:43:44,479
Speaker 1: of money for Christmas this year, and I never forget.

871
00:43:44,520 --> 00:43:47,799
Speaker 1: I had about five hundred dollars and I bought all

872
00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:51,040
Speaker 1: these coogie sweaters. It was the sweaters and the sweatpants,

873
00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:59,000
Speaker 1: and I sold all of them. I wasn't I was

874
00:43:59,040 --> 00:44:03,040
Speaker 1: an enterprise. I I love that exactly. How you free

875
00:44:03,200 --> 00:44:05,520
Speaker 1: look at you fourteen years old. Until people found out

876
00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:08,720
Speaker 1: that day was fake, then what I was out of business,

877
00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:11,600
Speaker 1: shut you down, and I was just you look at

878
00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:13,879
Speaker 1: it and beat you. Yes, that too, that wasn't gonna happen.

879
00:44:14,719 --> 00:44:22,560
Speaker 1: I had coming right, So then go. The next option

880
00:44:22,680 --> 00:44:25,520
Speaker 1: is keeping separate accounts, like all together, so just planning

881
00:44:25,560 --> 00:44:28,799
Speaker 1: everything and communicating regularly. That way you always know what's

882
00:44:28,840 --> 00:44:31,360
Speaker 1: coming in and going out, deciding how you're going to

883
00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:34,040
Speaker 1: split the bills, because then splitting bills becomes a whole

884
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:37,279
Speaker 1: another topic. So whether it's fifty fifty or another way,

885
00:44:37,480 --> 00:44:39,160
Speaker 1: or you know, you do the gas, I do the light,

886
00:44:39,320 --> 00:44:41,600
Speaker 1: you do the groceries. Um, you need to be clear

887
00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:43,800
Speaker 1: about how you're going to split responsibilities, and then of

888
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:46,719
Speaker 1: course make it feel fair because then fairness becomes a

889
00:44:46,800 --> 00:44:49,479
Speaker 1: thing right. And then thinking about your partner when making

890
00:44:49,840 --> 00:44:53,479
Speaker 1: spending decisions, so you'll be sharing the responsibility, so making

891
00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:55,760
Speaker 1: sure that you're not spending too much, otherwise your partner

892
00:44:55,840 --> 00:44:58,760
Speaker 1: will need to make up any difference to pay the bills.

893
00:44:59,719 --> 00:45:03,319
Speaker 1: So let's talk about splitting bills. There was a point

894
00:45:03,360 --> 00:45:06,400
Speaker 1: in our marriage where Codeine and I had decided to

895
00:45:06,600 --> 00:45:10,040
Speaker 1: split bills, just in part so that Codeine could learn

896
00:45:10,520 --> 00:45:13,720
Speaker 1: some responsibility when they came to where how the money works.

897
00:45:14,400 --> 00:45:17,239
Speaker 1: So there was there was a point where my ego

898
00:45:17,400 --> 00:45:19,480
Speaker 1: was like, I don't want my wife paying for no bills.

899
00:45:19,560 --> 00:45:23,120
Speaker 1: I got everything. And while I was doing that, Dean,

900
00:45:23,360 --> 00:45:25,040
Speaker 1: because we never talked about it, was running up the

901
00:45:25,080 --> 00:45:27,080
Speaker 1: credit cards. So now I had all of the household

902
00:45:27,120 --> 00:45:30,400
Speaker 1: bills and I had the credit card bills. Then I

903
00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:32,960
Speaker 1: was like, you know what, not only is this not

904
00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:35,279
Speaker 1: fair for me to have to try to run behind

905
00:45:35,320 --> 00:45:36,759
Speaker 1: everything to plean on the bills, is not fair to

906
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:39,480
Speaker 1: Cadine because she's not learning. If she's not learning, if

907
00:45:39,520 --> 00:45:42,920
Speaker 1: something were ever happened to me, my wife would not

908
00:45:43,080 --> 00:45:47,680
Speaker 1: understand how estate works. So we decided to split the bills,

909
00:45:47,719 --> 00:45:50,600
Speaker 1: and the bills work the same way today. I handle

910
00:45:50,719 --> 00:45:53,719
Speaker 1: all of the household bills, the cars, all of the

911
00:45:53,800 --> 00:45:57,279
Speaker 1: major investments for our future. Codeine handles the kids, all

912
00:45:57,360 --> 00:46:00,680
Speaker 1: of the groceries. And I think it's the insured and

913
00:46:00,760 --> 00:46:04,000
Speaker 1: the insurance insurance. And the reason why this worked for

914
00:46:04,160 --> 00:46:08,160
Speaker 1: us was because now, before Codein started spending money, she

915
00:46:08,239 --> 00:46:10,279
Speaker 1: would look at the beginning of the month and say,

916
00:46:10,800 --> 00:46:12,879
Speaker 1: what are my expenses for the month? That was something

917
00:46:12,960 --> 00:46:15,759
Speaker 1: she's never had to do in her life before. But

918
00:46:15,840 --> 00:46:18,239
Speaker 1: all I did was just teach her discipline, and then

919
00:46:18,480 --> 00:46:20,719
Speaker 1: that's how she became frugal Ellis now because now she

920
00:46:20,800 --> 00:46:23,480
Speaker 1: won't spend money on anything. I'm frugal, Ellis because you're

921
00:46:23,520 --> 00:46:27,520
Speaker 1: my financial father. Okay, my financial father had to explain

922
00:46:27,560 --> 00:46:29,960
Speaker 1: to me how to make all the things work. And

923
00:46:30,280 --> 00:46:31,800
Speaker 1: you know, like I said, I had moments where I

924
00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:33,520
Speaker 1: just felt embarrassed because I was like, well, damn, I

925
00:46:33,600 --> 00:46:35,560
Speaker 1: didn't know I was doing this. And then I felt

926
00:46:35,560 --> 00:46:37,320
Speaker 1: bad because I'm like, now I'm making it more difficult

927
00:46:37,360 --> 00:46:39,440
Speaker 1: for him. And he already had so much responsibility on

928
00:46:39,520 --> 00:46:41,360
Speaker 1: his shoulders, and here I am just being like this

929
00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:44,800
Speaker 1: frivolous person um, so I had to know how to

930
00:46:45,520 --> 00:46:49,720
Speaker 1: how we should write a book from Frivolous to Frugal,

931
00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:54,440
Speaker 1: and all the things we did this, you know, to

932
00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:59,600
Speaker 1: kind of create this new this new found ellis understands. Yeah,

933
00:46:59,640 --> 00:47:03,279
Speaker 1: codeine from frivolous to frugal. Now you you, you'd be

934
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:05,320
Speaker 1: you'd be killing the the finance game, like you understand

935
00:47:05,320 --> 00:47:07,560
Speaker 1: the way that I completely get it now it came

936
00:47:07,600 --> 00:47:11,120
Speaker 1: from conversation, from talking about it and put my ego aside.

937
00:47:11,640 --> 00:47:13,680
Speaker 1: So so this last one sounds the most like us.

938
00:47:13,800 --> 00:47:17,400
Speaker 1: It says, combine some split the rest the side which bills,

939
00:47:17,400 --> 00:47:20,200
Speaker 1: a way to pay from the joint account. Sett on

940
00:47:20,280 --> 00:47:23,120
Speaker 1: the contribution to pay the joint account each month, whether

941
00:47:23,160 --> 00:47:25,880
Speaker 1: it's fifty fifty or related to the size of your income.

942
00:47:26,200 --> 00:47:29,080
Speaker 1: Think about your spending patterns, habits, and behaviors, and agree

943
00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:32,400
Speaker 1: what's acceptable to both you, to both of you so

944
00:47:32,520 --> 00:47:36,120
Speaker 1: that you can avoid disagreements and arguments over money. All

945
00:47:36,200 --> 00:47:41,480
Speaker 1: of these start with a conversation. We nobody can tell

946
00:47:41,600 --> 00:47:44,920
Speaker 1: you the best way to figure out your financial situation.

947
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:47,960
Speaker 1: You tuo the only way to do it. And the

948
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:50,160
Speaker 1: biggest thing with This is not even the finances, is

949
00:47:50,280 --> 00:47:53,959
Speaker 1: learning how to communicate, because Kadina I realized real early

950
00:47:54,040 --> 00:47:57,640
Speaker 1: not marriage that not having money wasn't the biggest issue.

951
00:47:58,040 --> 00:48:00,759
Speaker 1: It was learning how to community k when to spend

952
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:03,560
Speaker 1: the money when we finally had it, which is a

953
00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:06,840
Speaker 1: problem that most couples have. People can be broke together

954
00:48:07,440 --> 00:48:10,160
Speaker 1: all their life and be perfectly fine, but then when

955
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:14,560
Speaker 1: they start making money, then priority of who has more

956
00:48:14,719 --> 00:48:17,799
Speaker 1: right to the money who's Here's another issue when we're

957
00:48:17,840 --> 00:48:19,480
Speaker 1: doing gifts, because this was an issue for me and

958
00:48:19,520 --> 00:48:21,759
Speaker 1: Cantin at one point, how much are we going to

959
00:48:21,840 --> 00:48:24,720
Speaker 1: spend on each person's family? And this is a problem

960
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:27,280
Speaker 1: me and candied vol into if we don't like certain

961
00:48:27,320 --> 00:48:29,920
Speaker 1: members of the other's family, we're spending that much on

962
00:48:30,000 --> 00:48:37,920
Speaker 1: that motherfucker. And that's all conversations, because we've also had

963
00:48:37,960 --> 00:48:39,840
Speaker 1: conversations where it was just like, wait, how much you

964
00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:41,560
Speaker 1: spend on your mom? I only spend this much on

965
00:48:41,640 --> 00:48:43,360
Speaker 1: my mom. How come you ain't telling me you were

966
00:48:43,400 --> 00:48:45,560
Speaker 1: spending this much on your mom before you let me

967
00:48:45,640 --> 00:48:47,759
Speaker 1: buy this gift for my mom. If you don't have

968
00:48:47,880 --> 00:48:50,440
Speaker 1: those conversations, then it seemed like it was something that

969
00:48:50,520 --> 00:48:53,759
Speaker 1: was done on purpose when realistically it's not. And then

970
00:48:53,760 --> 00:48:55,719
Speaker 1: we also realized that some things are just not about

971
00:48:55,760 --> 00:48:58,760
Speaker 1: dollar amounts, like one family member just may not require

972
00:48:58,880 --> 00:49:01,759
Speaker 1: a third amount you might gonna be spent on a

973
00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:04,279
Speaker 1: gift based on what it is. So some things then

974
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:05,919
Speaker 1: just came down to like, okay, was it the thought

975
00:49:06,000 --> 00:49:09,239
Speaker 1: when it came to gift giving specifically, but um, some

976
00:49:09,360 --> 00:49:11,960
Speaker 1: things you want to consider, you know, not letting salary

977
00:49:12,040 --> 00:49:14,319
Speaker 1: differences come between you. I said, that's a hard one.

978
00:49:14,600 --> 00:49:16,799
Speaker 1: It is because I know how well. I'm just saying,

979
00:49:16,840 --> 00:49:19,840
Speaker 1: I've seen couples where it's gonna be like I make this,

980
00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:21,960
Speaker 1: you make that, and this person not bringing that, and

981
00:49:22,400 --> 00:49:25,839
Speaker 1: it becomes an issue for a lot of people. Sentiment thing.

982
00:49:26,120 --> 00:49:29,680
Speaker 1: What I don't understand. Your salary does not define who

983
00:49:29,719 --> 00:49:32,560
Speaker 1: you are as a person, absolutely not, so the same

984
00:49:32,600 --> 00:49:34,600
Speaker 1: way it doesn't define you as a person. It can't

985
00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:37,480
Speaker 1: define who your partner is to you. So whether your

986
00:49:37,520 --> 00:49:39,759
Speaker 1: partner makes more money to you or less money than

987
00:49:39,800 --> 00:49:42,800
Speaker 1: you cannot define how you see your partner. If you

988
00:49:42,880 --> 00:49:45,279
Speaker 1: don't want to be defined by your salary. You see

989
00:49:45,320 --> 00:49:48,880
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I completely get that, and I know

990
00:49:49,080 --> 00:49:52,000
Speaker 1: I know, but in my mind teamwork makes the dream work.

991
00:49:52,480 --> 00:49:54,799
Speaker 1: So if I make a dollar and you make ten

992
00:49:54,880 --> 00:49:57,960
Speaker 1: dollars together, we got eleven dollars. That's all I care

993
00:49:58,000 --> 00:50:00,600
Speaker 1: about because at this point I may only be making

994
00:50:00,640 --> 00:50:04,080
Speaker 1: a dollar today, but tomorrow I may make ten dollars

995
00:50:04,160 --> 00:50:06,239
Speaker 1: and you may make a dollar. You know what I'm saying.

996
00:50:06,239 --> 00:50:09,760
Speaker 1: Are we gonna constantly create this dynamic between us because

997
00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:11,960
Speaker 1: of who made more money on that day? That's a

998
00:50:12,040 --> 00:50:13,920
Speaker 1: waste of time. At the end of the day, we

999
00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:16,800
Speaker 1: got eleven dollars. How can we make this eleven dollars

1000
00:50:16,840 --> 00:50:19,480
Speaker 1: work work for us? How can we grow this eleven dollars?

1001
00:50:19,600 --> 00:50:21,640
Speaker 1: What can we get with this eleven dollars? I love

1002
00:50:21,719 --> 00:50:26,799
Speaker 1: that avoid combining debts being financially linked to someone who

1003
00:50:26,840 --> 00:50:29,680
Speaker 1: can affect your credit score. Remember the car, the car.

1004
00:50:30,160 --> 00:50:32,160
Speaker 1: I'll never forget this day either. This could have been

1005
00:50:32,200 --> 00:50:35,359
Speaker 1: a story time the Dean had had Jackson and all

1006
00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:38,719
Speaker 1: the issues with the epidural had to have emergency surgery.

1007
00:50:39,239 --> 00:50:40,880
Speaker 1: I go to look at my credit score after that,

1008
00:50:40,960 --> 00:50:42,320
Speaker 1: because now I have a son and I'm trying to

1009
00:50:42,320 --> 00:50:46,080
Speaker 1: figure out how i'mnna buy a house, and later to

1010
00:50:46,280 --> 00:50:49,080
Speaker 1: like the low sixes, and I was like, what in

1011
00:50:49,200 --> 00:50:52,080
Speaker 1: the hell, and I'm looking through everything and they say

1012
00:50:52,200 --> 00:50:57,600
Speaker 1: unpaid card payment and I'm like, I co signed on

1013
00:50:57,719 --> 00:50:59,879
Speaker 1: Caden's car to get us some credit in her name.

1014
00:51:00,400 --> 00:51:05,160
Speaker 1: She was doing automatic payments with Accura forgot to make

1015
00:51:05,239 --> 00:51:08,719
Speaker 1: them no use doing automatic payments, and the payment didn't

1016
00:51:08,719 --> 00:51:10,799
Speaker 1: come out. And I always tell you, yeah, something had

1017
00:51:10,840 --> 00:51:14,400
Speaker 1: happened with like the accounted over something and I didn't realize.

1018
00:51:14,800 --> 00:51:17,879
Speaker 1: And even if they have automatic payments, always make sure

1019
00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:20,440
Speaker 1: every month that that bill is paid. That is one

1020
00:51:20,440 --> 00:51:22,799
Speaker 1: of the biggest mistakes people make. It was on auto pay,

1021
00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:25,319
Speaker 1: two months go by and the payment never come out.

1022
00:51:25,400 --> 00:51:27,480
Speaker 1: And I used to ask a dean, you don't check

1023
00:51:27,560 --> 00:51:29,359
Speaker 1: to make sure the payment comes out? Even my bills

1024
00:51:29,440 --> 00:51:31,759
Speaker 1: in auto pay, because yes, I'm an adult. I'm one

1025
00:51:31,800 --> 00:51:34,200
Speaker 1: of those adults who got all my bills on auto pay.

1026
00:51:34,480 --> 00:51:37,359
Speaker 1: But every month on the fifteen, I'm going through every

1027
00:51:37,440 --> 00:51:39,640
Speaker 1: website and I'm like to make sure they don't take

1028
00:51:39,680 --> 00:51:43,279
Speaker 1: out no extra two maybe doing that as well. He

1029
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:46,319
Speaker 1: was supposed to be taking out two D and sixteen sins,

1030
00:51:46,560 --> 00:51:48,839
Speaker 1: but you took out more. Give me my money back.

1031
00:51:49,320 --> 00:51:54,839
Speaker 1: I'm calling somebody, Comcast. Comcast, Comcast, you should take all

1032
00:51:54,920 --> 00:51:58,480
Speaker 1: the time, bro, I should be like more. But when

1033
00:51:58,520 --> 00:52:00,960
Speaker 1: we got but seven hundred dollars, she used to be like,

1034
00:52:02,239 --> 00:52:07,440
Speaker 1: let me listen. Yeah it was Aggie, Maggie anyho um.

1035
00:52:07,719 --> 00:52:11,799
Speaker 1: Set money rules with your partner, keep all purchase purchases

1036
00:52:11,880 --> 00:52:15,800
Speaker 1: out in the open, all right. I hope, y'all I

1037
00:52:15,960 --> 00:52:18,440
Speaker 1: was able to, you know, jot down some things and

1038
00:52:18,640 --> 00:52:20,759
Speaker 1: and make some things work within your relationship. But again,

1039
00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:23,479
Speaker 1: it has to work for y'all. This is what works

1040
00:52:23,520 --> 00:52:25,800
Speaker 1: for us, all right. I think we should take a

1041
00:52:25,840 --> 00:52:29,640
Speaker 1: break because we have to pay some bills. Okay, talking

1042
00:52:29,640 --> 00:52:32,040
Speaker 1: about money, and then we have listener letters coming up

1043
00:52:32,280 --> 00:52:47,680
Speaker 1: right after that. All right, we're back with listening letters.

1044
00:52:49,760 --> 00:52:52,040
Speaker 1: Let's dive right into it. Hey, de Val, I love

1045
00:52:52,080 --> 00:52:53,680
Speaker 1: you guys, and I want you to know I'm team

1046
00:52:53,719 --> 00:52:57,279
Speaker 1: Ellis for life. Love that, Thank you. I support the

1047
00:52:57,320 --> 00:52:59,440
Speaker 1: whole family, and I love me some Meet me off

1048
00:53:01,040 --> 00:53:03,720
Speaker 1: that unfan. She's a beautiful woman. Your family teaches millions

1049
00:53:03,719 --> 00:53:06,560
Speaker 1: of young women like me what family is and can be.

1050
00:53:06,960 --> 00:53:10,200
Speaker 1: Thank you for that. And one of six children. Biologically,

1051
00:53:10,480 --> 00:53:14,359
Speaker 1: growing up with my birth mom was an addict, being

1052
00:53:14,440 --> 00:53:17,040
Speaker 1: that we grew up in and out of foster care

1053
00:53:17,280 --> 00:53:20,239
Speaker 1: with different family members having custody of us. We grew

1054
00:53:20,320 --> 00:53:22,719
Speaker 1: up fast, and we grew up in some harsh conditions.

1055
00:53:23,600 --> 00:53:26,239
Speaker 1: I knew we couldn't afford named brands, and we were

1056
00:53:26,440 --> 00:53:29,400
Speaker 1: And there were many Christmas mornings and birthdays where the

1057
00:53:29,719 --> 00:53:35,400
Speaker 1: angels tree or nothing at all was received. Oh man, um,

1058
00:53:35,480 --> 00:53:39,560
Speaker 1: I wouldn't be who I am without someone, whether it's

1059
00:53:39,560 --> 00:53:42,720
Speaker 1: a stranger or someone familiar, helping me along my journey.

1060
00:53:43,200 --> 00:53:45,760
Speaker 1: As I've gotten older, I've been hearing that trauma bonds

1061
00:53:45,920 --> 00:53:49,040
Speaker 1: are bad and that they can hinder you. In my life,

1062
00:53:49,440 --> 00:53:51,600
Speaker 1: I've always felt like if a person is there for

1063
00:53:51,680 --> 00:53:53,320
Speaker 1: you in your time of need, then you should be

1064
00:53:53,400 --> 00:53:56,440
Speaker 1: loyal to them, loyal to them forever. I've been called

1065
00:53:56,719 --> 00:54:01,200
Speaker 1: an overcompensator and that I'm naive of friends taking advantage

1066
00:54:01,239 --> 00:54:03,640
Speaker 1: of me, and even family members and even partners. So

1067
00:54:03,760 --> 00:54:06,680
Speaker 1: can you explain how to decipher what's a trauma bond

1068
00:54:06,800 --> 00:54:11,359
Speaker 1: and what's loyalty? Any advice will help because I'm kind

1069
00:54:11,400 --> 00:54:13,720
Speaker 1: of lost. I mean, aren't we supposed to be givers

1070
00:54:13,800 --> 00:54:19,600
Speaker 1: to those who have to us? I I understand where

1071
00:54:19,600 --> 00:54:22,000
Speaker 1: she's coming from, but you know, remember we were speaking

1072
00:54:22,040 --> 00:54:25,080
Speaker 1: with one of our guests this weekend and He definitely

1073
00:54:25,160 --> 00:54:27,200
Speaker 1: has a trauma bond with one of his best friends.

1074
00:54:28,040 --> 00:54:30,399
Speaker 1: Been through life together and his best friend was there

1075
00:54:30,440 --> 00:54:32,920
Speaker 1: for him, you know, when he when he needed them.

1076
00:54:33,280 --> 00:54:36,240
Speaker 1: But now we were at a point where taking advant

1077
00:54:36,360 --> 00:54:40,719
Speaker 1: he's ultimately enabling his best friend to take advantage of him. Um,

1078
00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:43,400
Speaker 1: they had some business, they've done some business together. The

1079
00:54:43,520 --> 00:54:48,160
Speaker 1: friend overstepped, lost some money, damaged some property, and had

1080
00:54:48,239 --> 00:54:50,799
Speaker 1: no way to help pay you back. In his mind,

1081
00:54:50,840 --> 00:54:52,400
Speaker 1: he's like, oh, well, this friend got me, so I

1082
00:54:52,440 --> 00:54:54,400
Speaker 1: ain't worried about it. Now that friend is in the

1083
00:54:54,480 --> 00:54:57,880
Speaker 1: process of being sued by people because and he's like,

1084
00:54:58,000 --> 00:55:00,239
Speaker 1: d what do I do? And I'm like, bro, there's

1085
00:55:00,239 --> 00:55:02,839
Speaker 1: no what do I do. You have to learn how

1086
00:55:02,920 --> 00:55:06,680
Speaker 1: to look at relationships and only being relationships that you

1087
00:55:06,800 --> 00:55:10,960
Speaker 1: feel comfortable serving and serve you. If the relationship does

1088
00:55:11,040 --> 00:55:14,080
Speaker 1: not serve you and you don't feel comfortable serving them,

1089
00:55:14,440 --> 00:55:17,440
Speaker 1: that's a trauma bond. That's not someone just being loyal.

1090
00:55:17,920 --> 00:55:21,440
Speaker 1: This is just guilt, Like I have to be here

1091
00:55:21,520 --> 00:55:24,399
Speaker 1: for this person because you know when I and here's

1092
00:55:24,440 --> 00:55:26,960
Speaker 1: the thing. People love to be there for you when

1093
00:55:27,000 --> 00:55:31,200
Speaker 1: you're in your worst. Because I say this all the

1094
00:55:31,280 --> 00:55:34,279
Speaker 1: time of the world's wealth is controlled by one percent

1095
00:55:34,320 --> 00:55:37,160
Speaker 1: of the population, so vast majority of the people in

1096
00:55:37,200 --> 00:55:40,520
Speaker 1: the world are not happy with their situation, especially financially.

1097
00:55:40,960 --> 00:55:43,040
Speaker 1: When they see someone else in need, or they see

1098
00:55:43,080 --> 00:55:45,359
Speaker 1: someone else who's doing worse than them, that's a way

1099
00:55:45,400 --> 00:55:48,160
Speaker 1: for them to feel better by them feel better about themselves.

1100
00:55:48,480 --> 00:55:50,959
Speaker 1: I've watched a lot of people in my life only

1101
00:55:51,040 --> 00:55:53,480
Speaker 1: want to be around people when they're doing bad that

1102
00:55:53,600 --> 00:55:55,879
Speaker 1: they can feel like a savior. Then when that person

1103
00:55:55,960 --> 00:55:59,080
Speaker 1: starts to do well, they distance themselves, and then the

1104
00:55:59,160 --> 00:56:01,839
Speaker 1: person that they helped often feels guilty, like I don't

1105
00:56:01,840 --> 00:56:04,160
Speaker 1: know how to help this person, but this person was

1106
00:56:04,160 --> 00:56:05,759
Speaker 1: there when to help me, but that person doesn't even

1107
00:56:05,800 --> 00:56:09,040
Speaker 1: want help. You know that that person likes that feeling

1108
00:56:09,360 --> 00:56:11,759
Speaker 1: and also will utilize that against you to constantly bring

1109
00:56:11,880 --> 00:56:14,960
Speaker 1: you back down to make you feel bad because they

1110
00:56:15,000 --> 00:56:16,799
Speaker 1: are not doing what they want to do in life,

1111
00:56:17,160 --> 00:56:20,239
Speaker 1: you have careful of manipulative people like that in life

1112
00:56:20,440 --> 00:56:22,959
Speaker 1: are a lot of them, especially people who know your history.

1113
00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:25,200
Speaker 1: Like you said, people just pretty much know that you've

1114
00:56:25,239 --> 00:56:27,040
Speaker 1: come from a tough background, that you've been in these

1115
00:56:27,080 --> 00:56:29,640
Speaker 1: harsh conditions growing up, so they can instantly see you

1116
00:56:29,719 --> 00:56:33,879
Speaker 1: as a target in that circumstance. So yeah, I think

1117
00:56:33,960 --> 00:56:36,400
Speaker 1: at this point too, now you may be able to decipher.

1118
00:56:36,719 --> 00:56:39,640
Speaker 1: You should be able to decipher the difference between the

1119
00:56:39,680 --> 00:56:41,680
Speaker 1: loyalty and people who you know deep down are just

1120
00:56:42,040 --> 00:56:46,040
Speaker 1: in it for ulterior reasons. And it's simple. Do I

1121
00:56:46,200 --> 00:56:49,040
Speaker 1: feel comfortable serving this person or do I feel guilty?

1122
00:56:49,360 --> 00:56:51,880
Speaker 1: That's one. If you feel guilty and you have to

1123
00:56:51,920 --> 00:56:54,800
Speaker 1: serve this person, that's a red flag. But does this

1124
00:56:55,000 --> 00:56:58,120
Speaker 1: person serve you in any way? If that answer is no,

1125
00:56:58,880 --> 00:57:01,600
Speaker 1: then you already know what it is. You know, when

1126
00:57:01,640 --> 00:57:04,160
Speaker 1: people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

1127
00:57:04,560 --> 00:57:08,080
Speaker 1: Stop talking yourself into believing someone else is better than

1128
00:57:09,320 --> 00:57:11,600
Speaker 1: don't do it. Don't do it saves you a lot

1129
00:57:11,640 --> 00:57:16,000
Speaker 1: of time. Yes, ma'am number two whatever, You're all a

1130
00:57:16,080 --> 00:57:18,440
Speaker 1: huge fan. Thank you so much. I love y'all, and

1131
00:57:18,560 --> 00:57:20,680
Speaker 1: what you do, I'm gonna dive right into it. I'm

1132
00:57:20,720 --> 00:57:23,400
Speaker 1: twenty three and moved out to Utah soon after graduating

1133
00:57:23,400 --> 00:57:25,560
Speaker 1: from college in Texas for an opportunity that I saw

1134
00:57:26,120 --> 00:57:29,080
Speaker 1: was a huge step in the right direction at the time. Wrong.

1135
00:57:29,600 --> 00:57:32,920
Speaker 1: I only make forty seven thousand dollars a year, no benefits,

1136
00:57:33,000 --> 00:57:34,960
Speaker 1: can't afford to live close to where I work, so

1137
00:57:35,080 --> 00:57:37,200
Speaker 1: I live in our plus away and I'm fed up.

1138
00:57:37,520 --> 00:57:41,600
Speaker 1: I'm very ambitious, so I currently work during doing custom

1139
00:57:41,680 --> 00:57:44,080
Speaker 1: homes with plans to get my real estate license and

1140
00:57:44,120 --> 00:57:47,080
Speaker 1: dive into investing in short term rentals. I have a plan,

1141
00:57:47,400 --> 00:57:49,600
Speaker 1: but I do not have financial stability right now, so

1142
00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:52,360
Speaker 1: I plan on moving back home to gather myself and

1143
00:57:52,440 --> 00:57:55,440
Speaker 1: move forward. The problem is I've gotten tons of rejection

1144
00:57:55,520 --> 00:58:00,000
Speaker 1: letters from well respected companies with excuse me, with competitive

1145
00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:02,320
Speaker 1: of pay and benefits. In addition, my mental health has

1146
00:58:02,360 --> 00:58:05,480
Speaker 1: suffered from the rejection letters, not getting a job that

1147
00:58:05,560 --> 00:58:08,400
Speaker 1: I so badly wanted after rounds of interviews and my

1148
00:58:08,520 --> 00:58:13,600
Speaker 1: current job being asked sounds likely from New York. Money

1149
00:58:13,640 --> 00:58:15,360
Speaker 1: don't make itself, and I know I got to stay

1150
00:58:15,400 --> 00:58:18,440
Speaker 1: motivated to chase it, but damn, how do I recover mentally?

1151
00:58:18,800 --> 00:58:20,920
Speaker 1: What would you do if you were me? Any advice

1152
00:58:21,320 --> 00:58:24,200
Speaker 1: as far as planning, because ship going too slow for

1153
00:58:24,320 --> 00:58:27,200
Speaker 1: me and I worked too hard. Thank you all. There's

1154
00:58:27,200 --> 00:58:28,960
Speaker 1: nothing like feeling like you're just in a dead end

1155
00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:32,000
Speaker 1: situation where you're just pounding the pavement and nothing is happening.

1156
00:58:32,440 --> 00:58:34,680
Speaker 1: If you have the ability to go back home, go

1157
00:58:34,840 --> 00:58:37,960
Speaker 1: back home. If you have the ability to go back home,

1158
00:58:38,200 --> 00:58:43,360
Speaker 1: go back home. And if you have the ability excuse

1159
00:58:43,440 --> 00:58:44,919
Speaker 1: me how I started to get my little preacher voice

1160
00:58:44,960 --> 00:58:47,000
Speaker 1: on there. Now, if you have the ability to go

1161
00:58:47,240 --> 00:58:50,360
Speaker 1: back home to a place where you can gather yourself,

1162
00:58:51,440 --> 00:58:54,120
Speaker 1: go back home. There is no shame in that. I

1163
00:58:54,240 --> 00:58:58,080
Speaker 1: think there's this this emphasis on, oh I graduated, I'm

1164
00:58:59,560 --> 00:59:01,600
Speaker 1: out of college. Let me get out of the house now,

1165
00:59:01,760 --> 00:59:03,440
Speaker 1: because it's like I got to get out and do

1166
00:59:03,520 --> 00:59:05,960
Speaker 1: my own thing, because yeah, there is that desire to

1167
00:59:06,080 --> 00:59:09,080
Speaker 1: do that. But I hope that we can be the

1168
00:59:09,160 --> 00:59:11,720
Speaker 1: parents where if our kids are stumbling a bit, we

1169
00:59:11,800 --> 00:59:14,560
Speaker 1: can say, come back home and figure things out for

1170
00:59:14,640 --> 00:59:16,760
Speaker 1: a bit. And it's not a matter of enabling them,

1171
00:59:17,040 --> 00:59:18,880
Speaker 1: but just really seeing that this is a person who's

1172
00:59:18,920 --> 00:59:21,640
Speaker 1: hard working. You thought this was a situation that was

1173
00:59:21,680 --> 00:59:24,240
Speaker 1: going to go right here. You are now driving an

1174
00:59:24,280 --> 00:59:27,760
Speaker 1: hour into work plus and then driving back home, so

1175
00:59:27,880 --> 00:59:30,320
Speaker 1: you have what a three hour commute round trip, and

1176
00:59:30,400 --> 00:59:32,400
Speaker 1: then now you're still working to do the custom homes

1177
00:59:32,440 --> 00:59:34,320
Speaker 1: and the plan. So you're clearly somebody who has the

1178
00:59:34,440 --> 00:59:36,960
Speaker 1: drive and has the admission, but you just stumbled upon

1179
00:59:37,000 --> 00:59:39,560
Speaker 1: a hard time. People are gonna have hard times. In

1180
00:59:39,640 --> 00:59:41,439
Speaker 1: the past twenty years, the vol and I have had

1181
00:59:42,440 --> 00:59:46,200
Speaker 1: fair share of hard time. But it gets better, gets better.

1182
00:59:46,440 --> 00:59:48,720
Speaker 1: And and here's the thing. There's no wrong decisions in life,

1183
00:59:49,400 --> 00:59:52,000
Speaker 1: right and there's no losses. There's only lessons. You moved

1184
00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:54,680
Speaker 1: out to Utah, you took a job, it didn't work out.

1185
00:59:54,880 --> 00:59:57,720
Speaker 1: That's a lesson. That's not a bad decision. I had

1186
00:59:57,800 --> 00:59:59,960
Speaker 1: this conversation with with a bunch of my college kids

1187
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:01,280
Speaker 1: when they were trying to decide where they're going to

1188
01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:03,040
Speaker 1: go to school. These kids get offers, They're like, oh,

1189
01:00:03,080 --> 01:00:05,240
Speaker 1: course about I don't want to make a bad decision.

1190
01:00:05,640 --> 01:00:09,360
Speaker 1: Hindsight is always, which means you can always look back

1191
01:00:09,400 --> 01:00:11,240
Speaker 1: in your life and say this was a bad decision.

1192
01:00:11,320 --> 01:00:13,040
Speaker 1: That was a bad decision, But you have to live

1193
01:00:13,120 --> 01:00:16,240
Speaker 1: it first in order for you to recognize what the

1194
01:00:16,320 --> 01:00:18,520
Speaker 1: decision is, which means it's not a bad decision, it's

1195
01:00:18,560 --> 01:00:21,800
Speaker 1: a life lesson. There have been plenty of decisions. For example,

1196
01:00:21,880 --> 01:00:24,080
Speaker 1: me invested in the stock market in two thousand and eight,

1197
01:00:24,160 --> 01:00:26,640
Speaker 1: buying property in two thousand and eight when the recession

1198
01:00:26,720 --> 01:00:28,800
Speaker 1: was about to happen in two thousand and nine. I

1199
01:00:28,880 --> 01:00:30,520
Speaker 1: can look back on it now and say that was

1200
01:00:30,560 --> 01:00:33,880
Speaker 1: a terrible decision, but I had to live that to

1201
01:00:34,040 --> 01:00:35,840
Speaker 1: now be able to make the money I make now

1202
01:00:35,960 --> 01:00:39,880
Speaker 1: and say, ah ha, I've been through this already. People

1203
01:00:40,000 --> 01:00:42,720
Speaker 1: ask us all the time, how did we survive during

1204
01:00:43,040 --> 01:00:47,040
Speaker 1: this recent recession, during the pandemic. I've learned how to pivot.

1205
01:00:47,080 --> 01:00:49,000
Speaker 1: You want to know why, Coaudina and I have made

1206
01:00:49,040 --> 01:00:51,480
Speaker 1: a ton of decisions early on in our life, and

1207
01:00:51,600 --> 01:00:54,680
Speaker 1: we had to struggle for a decade to get back

1208
01:00:54,760 --> 01:00:57,080
Speaker 1: to where we were. But now we're in a position

1209
01:00:57,160 --> 01:00:59,880
Speaker 1: with all of that knowledge, all of those quote unquote

1210
01:01:00,040 --> 01:01:03,360
Speaker 1: add wrong decisions to make decisions to put us ahead.

1211
01:01:03,680 --> 01:01:09,240
Speaker 1: So listen, do not be down on yourself. Pick your

1212
01:01:09,280 --> 01:01:11,680
Speaker 1: head up. Listen to what my wife said, because I'll

1213
01:01:11,720 --> 01:01:15,480
Speaker 1: tell you right now. When we first moved back to Brooklyn,

1214
01:01:15,560 --> 01:01:16,960
Speaker 1: when I tell you I thought that that was a

1215
01:01:17,040 --> 01:01:20,040
Speaker 1: step back, that would be an understatement. Here we are

1216
01:01:20,400 --> 01:01:24,880
Speaker 1: in uh four bedroom home, finished basement, front yard, backyard

1217
01:01:24,960 --> 01:01:27,280
Speaker 1: in the cul de sac, in the suburbs in Michigan,

1218
01:01:27,640 --> 01:01:30,919
Speaker 1: had to move back to an apartment that was rent

1219
01:01:30,960 --> 01:01:34,400
Speaker 1: stabilized in Brooklyn after being in the NFL. You think

1220
01:01:34,480 --> 01:01:38,040
Speaker 1: your life is bad now you you make forty seven

1221
01:01:38,080 --> 01:01:40,080
Speaker 1: thousand dollars a year. You know how much money I

1222
01:01:40,240 --> 01:01:42,000
Speaker 1: was making when I first came back from the league,

1223
01:01:44,360 --> 01:01:46,040
Speaker 1: And you said you were driving an hour to and

1224
01:01:46,160 --> 01:01:48,040
Speaker 1: from work. I was driving an hour and a half

1225
01:01:48,120 --> 01:01:51,440
Speaker 1: from Brooklyn to Staten Island in traffic and paying twelve

1226
01:01:51,560 --> 01:01:54,600
Speaker 1: fifty and tolls. So I was paying more in tolls

1227
01:01:54,680 --> 01:01:57,320
Speaker 1: and gas and I was making But for those two years,

1228
01:01:57,400 --> 01:02:01,040
Speaker 1: I gained experience to build my business, to create a lucrative,

1229
01:02:01,360 --> 01:02:03,919
Speaker 1: lucrative company that made codein and I over a quarter

1230
01:02:03,960 --> 01:02:06,400
Speaker 1: million dollars a year at one point. But if it

1231
01:02:06,520 --> 01:02:09,800
Speaker 1: wasn't for those two years of service to that company,

1232
01:02:09,880 --> 01:02:13,960
Speaker 1: Paris School and Staten Island sacrifice, I would have never learned.

1233
01:02:14,560 --> 01:02:18,000
Speaker 1: So everything you're going through now, Mama, is a learning process.

1234
01:02:18,560 --> 01:02:20,800
Speaker 1: Trust the process. If you want to go back home,

1235
01:02:21,080 --> 01:02:24,640
Speaker 1: go back home, regroup. I was going to quote Tiffany

1236
01:02:24,680 --> 01:02:27,640
Speaker 1: Elecha Renumber. She had her a condo and all this

1237
01:02:27,680 --> 01:02:29,160
Speaker 1: other stuff, and she was a teacher. She had to

1238
01:02:29,200 --> 01:02:31,320
Speaker 1: move back home and she said she was broke. Now

1239
01:02:31,440 --> 01:02:34,800
Speaker 1: she's making eight nine figures a year. All of those

1240
01:02:34,840 --> 01:02:37,000
Speaker 1: are life lessons, baby, Absolutely just makes the story that

1241
01:02:37,120 --> 01:02:40,480
Speaker 1: much sweeter. Absolutely, tell people got to where you're at right,

1242
01:02:40,880 --> 01:02:42,720
Speaker 1: and don't think that life my bad. Don't think that

1243
01:02:42,800 --> 01:02:45,360
Speaker 1: life is going to pass you by ten years to

1244
01:02:45,440 --> 01:02:48,440
Speaker 1: anybody sounds like a long time, But ten years for

1245
01:02:48,520 --> 01:02:50,520
Speaker 1: Codein and I was what we needed to build the

1246
01:02:50,560 --> 01:02:53,160
Speaker 1: empire we have now. And we're only in our late thirties.

1247
01:02:54,120 --> 01:02:56,320
Speaker 1: So think about that when when you think that I've

1248
01:02:56,360 --> 01:02:58,200
Speaker 1: been here for two years, three years as long, it's

1249
01:02:58,200 --> 01:03:00,800
Speaker 1: a condeina and I a decade to get back m hm.

1250
01:03:01,280 --> 01:03:03,720
Speaker 1: And we're doing it. That's a fact. Doing it well,

1251
01:03:03,960 --> 01:03:08,040
Speaker 1: do it baby, just right? All right, y'all keep writing

1252
01:03:08,080 --> 01:03:10,800
Speaker 1: into us. We'd love to see the emails flooding into

1253
01:03:11,080 --> 01:03:13,640
Speaker 1: dead ass advice. So if you want to be featured

1254
01:03:13,720 --> 01:03:16,000
Speaker 1: as one of our listener letters, be sure to email

1255
01:03:16,120 --> 01:03:18,880
Speaker 1: us right there spelled out for them, babe. That's D

1256
01:03:19,000 --> 01:03:21,720
Speaker 1: E A D A S S A D V I

1257
01:03:21,920 --> 01:03:26,360
Speaker 1: C E at gmail dot dot com. All right, moment

1258
01:03:26,440 --> 01:03:28,320
Speaker 1: the true times before we wrap it up and get

1259
01:03:28,360 --> 01:03:32,360
Speaker 1: out of here with y'all today. Money and marriage, Money

1260
01:03:32,400 --> 01:03:35,400
Speaker 1: and marriage. There you go first, money and marriage. There

1261
01:03:35,480 --> 01:03:39,560
Speaker 1: is no one size, fixed all for money marriage. Never

1262
01:03:39,640 --> 01:03:42,560
Speaker 1: try to tell and make your marriage to anyone else's expectations,

1263
01:03:42,720 --> 01:03:45,680
Speaker 1: especially when it comes to expenses, do what's in the

1264
01:03:45,760 --> 01:03:49,520
Speaker 1: best interest for you and your spouse, continue to communicate

1265
01:03:49,800 --> 01:03:52,000
Speaker 1: and make as much money as possible, because we live

1266
01:03:52,040 --> 01:03:54,880
Speaker 1: in a capitalist country and you need money to survive.

1267
01:03:55,800 --> 01:03:58,960
Speaker 1: Dead ass love that um. For me, I feel like

1268
01:03:59,000 --> 01:04:00,400
Speaker 1: it's just one of those things where, like you know,

1269
01:04:01,320 --> 01:04:04,800
Speaker 1: I admittedly know what I don't know, right, that's the

1270
01:04:04,840 --> 01:04:06,720
Speaker 1: one thing I can admit what I don't know, and

1271
01:04:07,160 --> 01:04:09,680
Speaker 1: being truthful in admitting that I don't know certain things

1272
01:04:10,040 --> 01:04:13,200
Speaker 1: allowed me the opportunity to learn. So if you are

1273
01:04:13,280 --> 01:04:15,880
Speaker 1: that person that may not know about finance, that you

1274
01:04:16,040 --> 01:04:18,480
Speaker 1: just it's not your strong suit. You don't have a

1275
01:04:18,520 --> 01:04:21,880
Speaker 1: healthy relationship with money Historically, you're trying to find ways

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01:04:21,960 --> 01:04:25,320
Speaker 1: to decipher how to maneuver with the resources that you

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01:04:25,400 --> 01:04:28,280
Speaker 1: do have. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay

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01:04:28,320 --> 01:04:31,120
Speaker 1: to lean on the dominant spouse or the dominant person

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01:04:31,200 --> 01:04:33,240
Speaker 1: in the relationship if they tend to be a little

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01:04:33,240 --> 01:04:36,880
Speaker 1: bit more UM savvy or have a higher acumen when

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01:04:36,920 --> 01:04:40,000
Speaker 1: it comes to finance. It's okay to not feel bad.

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01:04:40,080 --> 01:04:42,120
Speaker 1: It's okay to put an ego aside and say I

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01:04:42,240 --> 01:04:44,840
Speaker 1: just don't know I've made this mistake, and then make

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01:04:44,920 --> 01:04:49,480
Speaker 1: the plan to recover. Yes, all right, y'all, well find

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01:04:49,560 --> 01:04:53,040
Speaker 1: us on social media after all that, see how I'm

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01:04:53,080 --> 01:04:57,040
Speaker 1: not spending my money and then ask the podcast and

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01:04:57,160 --> 01:05:00,320
Speaker 1: you can find me a cadeen I am. And if

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Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review

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01:05:03,680 --> 01:05:08,680
Speaker 1: and subscribe. Dead As dead Ass is a production of

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Speaker 1: I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia

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01:05:12,400 --> 01:05:15,480
Speaker 1: and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead

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01:05:15,520 --> 01:05:17,400
Speaker 1: as to podcasts and never miss a Thing