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Speaker 1: Okay, guys, we have a long lost co worker. How

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Speaker 1: many years was this five? I've been married for five years,

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Speaker 1: so it might have been like six. Okay, So we

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Speaker 1: had our guest. Name is Blake. Hi, Blake, Hi. My

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Speaker 1: guest is somebody that I met when I started working

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Speaker 1: as like a private practice therapist. So I worked at

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Speaker 1: a treatment center for a while and I went to

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Speaker 1: this place that had a bunch of therapists that kind

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Speaker 1: of worked together but also on their own. And that's

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Speaker 1: where we met. And I didn't stay there very long.

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Speaker 1: But you left before I did because you moved, and

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Speaker 1: we were just talking about moving, because I and currently

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Speaker 1: in the middle moving, like left my house to come

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Speaker 1: here and record this, and Blake has a much different

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Speaker 1: moving history. I'm complaining about moving around the around the

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Speaker 1: corner of the street. I want to move back and

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Speaker 1: forth across the country. So we met in Nashville, which

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Speaker 1: is where I went to it. I had moved before that,

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Speaker 1: but we won't talk about before that. We're just gonna

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Speaker 1: go after we met. We're going to use that as

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Speaker 1: a starting point. Left Nashville, moved to l A. Was

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Speaker 1: in l A for a few years. COVID happened. Was

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Speaker 1: in Austin, Austin for a year, and now we're in

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Speaker 1: Charleston and we tell ourselves we are not allowed to

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Speaker 1: move ever again, but for at least five years. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I was gonna say, you moved l a Austin Charleston,

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Speaker 1: how many years? Like four? I don't recommend it, And

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Speaker 1: as a therapist, I really don't recommend it. With licensing, oh,

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Speaker 1: I was going to ask you that, like how one

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Speaker 1: it's interesting of like how do you build a practice?

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Speaker 1: And like you have to get a license in every

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Speaker 1: single state. Yeah, so now I'm duly licensed in South

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Speaker 1: Carolina and I kept my Texas license, so I see

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Speaker 1: folks in both states and it's amazing. I love it.

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Speaker 1: So my private practice in Charleston called fig Holistic Psychotherapy,

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Speaker 1: and California is the hardest state to get licensed in.

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Speaker 1: I had to go and take more grad school classes,

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Speaker 1: lost all of my hours. But some reason, Texas is

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Speaker 1: the wild, wild West, and they took my Tennessee and

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Speaker 1: my California hours and gave me a full license. What. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's wild. I didn't really start over in Charleston, but

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Speaker 1: I've started over and somehow it's been okay people show up. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: well that says something about you. I think, oh, well,

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Speaker 1: thank you. Okay. So honestly, now that I'm thinking about this,

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Speaker 1: you're gonna have a really unique perspective on this topic

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Speaker 1: because of all of the movie that you've done. But

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna just give a little bit and then I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna let you take it away. But Blake has come

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Speaker 1: up with this product that I think is really cool

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Speaker 1: that she emailed me about, and I want you to

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Speaker 1: tell us what it is, obviously, and then why you

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Speaker 1: created this and what do you hope that it helps

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Speaker 1: people do and accomplish and all of that, and then

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Speaker 1: from there we're gonna keep going well into it. I've

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Speaker 1: been a therapist literally all over the country. I've moved

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Speaker 1: all over the country, and so a common theme throughout

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Speaker 1: all of this has been friendships, how to make new friends,

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Speaker 1: how to leave friendships. And I think we've been taught

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Speaker 1: these really bad myths that friendships are forever best friends,

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Speaker 1: never fights, there's not supposed to be any drama in them,

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Speaker 1: and that's just not the case. And I know it

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Speaker 1: took me some time to even accept that I was

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Speaker 1: talking about friendships in my own therapy, I was like,

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Speaker 1: what does this say about me as a friend, But

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Speaker 1: accepting that and even helping clients do some of that

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Speaker 1: very similar work, I realized there are not enough resources

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Speaker 1: out there just for friendships, and so I created the

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Speaker 1: Friendship Deck, which is a conversation game for friends, and

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Speaker 1: it's for friends who really want more depth and intimacy

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Speaker 1: with each other. You know, in therapy, we talk about

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Speaker 1: the relationship that we have so much like that is

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Speaker 1: a huge part of the therapy, is like what's the

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Speaker 1: space like between us? Are there things that you need?

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Speaker 1: And that's probably one of my some of my most

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Speaker 1: favorite work to do in therapy, and I realized we

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Speaker 1: don't do that with our friends. Were taught there's more

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Speaker 1: language to do that, say with romantic partners of talk

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Speaker 1: about the quality, but as far as talking about the quality,

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Speaker 1: are we okay? Is there anything you need for me?

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Speaker 1: Or is there anything I can pull back on that

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Speaker 1: would be really helpful? Those are not conversations that we're

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Speaker 1: having with our friends very often. And yet when I

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Speaker 1: started having those conversations with my friends, my friendships changed

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Speaker 1: so much, And so I wanted to create something that

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Speaker 1: was fun of like obviously you get to ask their

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Speaker 1: fun questions, like everyone goes around and answers how did

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Speaker 1: you learn about the birds and the bees, because that

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Speaker 1: just tells you so much about your family and how

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Speaker 1: you grew up. And I also wanted to talk about

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Speaker 1: and invite friends to talk about like when they felt

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Speaker 1: left out and when they feel like they don't belong

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Speaker 1: within the group. So it's sixty two questions. It's three

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Speaker 1: levels of increasing vulnerability, just because we don't want to

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Speaker 1: go straight to trauma bonding. That was a big important thing. Yes,

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Speaker 1: it feels important, and yeah, it's just this really fun, beautiful,

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Speaker 1: simple way to gather your friends and have these great

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Speaker 1: conversations and walk away being like I would probably never

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Speaker 1: think to ask my friend that, but I am so

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Speaker 1: glad and I feel like I know the more they

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Speaker 1: know me better, and you just have like a there

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Speaker 1: can just be a lot more ease within the friendship.

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Speaker 1: One thing that you just said, I had like this

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Speaker 1: initial feeling. So I don't know if you feel this,

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Speaker 1: but as as a therapist, it's so easy for me

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Speaker 1: to get in a room and tease out and talk

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Speaker 1: about get into the woods of other people's stuff. As

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Speaker 1: a therapist. You have to have a certain level of vulnerability,

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Speaker 1: but also it's not about us, so we don't have

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Speaker 1: to do our stuff, And so I can do that

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Speaker 1: all day long, and I have these like conversations all

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Speaker 1: day long that are that are so I'm hearing people's

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Speaker 1: deepest stuff. And then when it comes to my relationships,

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Speaker 1: when you said like, and then there's questions like when

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Speaker 1: do you ever when the last time you felt left

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Speaker 1: out in the group. At first I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: that's a good question, and then I was like, I

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Speaker 1: don't want to answer that. That's something of like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's it's also a muscle that like I have to

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Speaker 1: be able to work in different areas. And so I

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Speaker 1: appreciate the like one the levels of these cards. I

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Speaker 1: think that that's very important because and something that I

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Speaker 1: see happening in romantic and in friendships is we like

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Speaker 1: dive in head first because we want to have these crazy,

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Speaker 1: awesome deep connections with people, and then I'm like, don't

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Speaker 1: there yet, Yeah, slow it down, slow it down. So

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Speaker 1: I appreciate the levels, but I also appreciate like, to me,

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Speaker 1: it's a game, but it's also a challenge and one

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Speaker 1: that I might not choose to go forth and do

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Speaker 1: if I don't have a little push like that. Yes, yes,

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Speaker 1: it's a nice, gentle push. Okay. So I want us,

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Speaker 1: because you mentioned a couple of them, to kind of

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Speaker 1: just like talk about some of the myths or the

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Speaker 1: stories or whatever it is that we're taught about what

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Speaker 1: friendship is and what friendship is supposed to be. And

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Speaker 1: I want us just to talk about like both of

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Speaker 1: our perspectives on that. Is that sound cool? I love this? Yes,

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Speaker 1: let's deep dive, okay. So I'm going to go off

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Speaker 1: of the ones that you originally had said, and then

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Speaker 1: if we like come up with more, we can add them.

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Speaker 1: But let's see if we can even get through these

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Speaker 1: all right, So now I want us to talk about

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Speaker 1: some of the truths that we've been taught about friendships,

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Speaker 1: some of them that you mentioned already, need some that

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Speaker 1: you sent me earlier, and I wanted us to talk

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Speaker 1: about like why it might be helpful to think about

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Speaker 1: unlearning some of those because they might be myths that

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Speaker 1: we actually were taught as like universal truths for everybody.

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Speaker 1: And then if you come up with more, we can

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Speaker 1: come up with more. But I want to stick at

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Speaker 1: least with these five. So the first one, I really

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Speaker 1: like this one, and it's the more friends, the marrier.

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Speaker 1: Oh so tell me what you think about that as

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Speaker 1: a human, as a therapist, tell me what you think.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I hear so much from people will

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Speaker 1: start just in the therapy world when they name and

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Speaker 1: this is dispelling this not so universal truth, when they're

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Speaker 1: like I was friends with everyone, which basically meant I

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Speaker 1: was friends with no one. And yet there's these beliefs

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Speaker 1: that are like I need to have all the friends.

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Speaker 1: I think that social media, I mean blah blah blah,

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Speaker 1: Like I think social media just kind of brings in

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Speaker 1: this sense of like more, better, rich or all of that.

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Speaker 1: When in actuality, this guy Dunbar, I don't know his

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Speaker 1: first name. Um, he did a lot of this research.

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Speaker 1: So if you've heard kind of that, like little tidbit,

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Speaker 1: and you can really only know about a hundred fifty

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Speaker 1: people or their names, and after that the circle gets

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Speaker 1: too big. He went even further into a concentric circle

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Speaker 1: and he said you can only have deep, meaningful relationships

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Speaker 1: with about four or five people, like when you think

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Speaker 1: of your psyche, when you think of your nervous system.

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Speaker 1: When you think of being connected to someone else and

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Speaker 1: being in that like securely attached place, you can only

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Speaker 1: do that with about four or five other people, Like

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Speaker 1: that's our tolerance threshold. And so what I hear so

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Speaker 1: often is, you know, especially with college, people are just

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Speaker 1: all over there trying to fit in all of these

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Speaker 1: friendships all over the place, and yet they're talking about

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Speaker 1: how lonely they are, like I don't feel like anybody

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Speaker 1: really knows me. And it's like, well, it's hard to

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Speaker 1: know you if you're running around all the time, if

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Speaker 1: you're go going from place to place, if you're seeing

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Speaker 1: fifteen friends a week, like no one actually has time

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Speaker 1: to like sit down with you and really get to

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Speaker 1: know you. Well. I think this is probably really helpful

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Speaker 1: for a lot of people to hear, because I think

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Speaker 1: a lot of times it is like the more friends

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Speaker 1: you have, that means like the more liked you are.

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Speaker 1: And there's if I can't be friends with everybody, then

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Speaker 1: that means that these people don't like me or whatever

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Speaker 1: that is, and that's so far from the truth. And

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Speaker 1: then there's this I know I felt in my life,

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Speaker 1: I'm not very good at remembering people's names in general

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Speaker 1: me neither and so when I UM, I taught this

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Speaker 1: cycling a couple of different cycling studios, but it was

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Speaker 1: always so hard for me to remember people's names, Like

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Speaker 1: it was so hard, I couldn't do it. I would

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Speaker 1: look at the class, I would follow them back on

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Speaker 1: instam and I just like too many people, and then

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Speaker 1: everybody looks the same, and then I don't know what's

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Speaker 1: going on there. It's like I can't know all of this.

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Speaker 1: And so that was some you know, I had to

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Speaker 1: finally just say, like, this isn't my skill. I can

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Speaker 1: be really kind to somebody and make them feel welcome

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Speaker 1: and all of that, but I can't know everybody's name,

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Speaker 1: let alone friends with all of these people. And the

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Speaker 1: other thing is what you were saying around that is

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Speaker 1: when I'm trying to be friends with let's even just

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Speaker 1: say it's twenty people, there's no way in my brain

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Speaker 1: that there can be a deep quality of friendship because

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Speaker 1: I can only see a couple of people a week

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Speaker 1: if that. If that, yeah, it's like one to maximum

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Speaker 1: three times at least for me. And we do different

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Speaker 1: kind of work where it's like we're emotionally drained. So

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Speaker 1: sometimes weeks. I don't have that much capacity. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's like I got one or two friends tanks a

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Speaker 1: week like you. Yeah, And I think it's also important

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Speaker 1: in that to like really look at can I have

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Speaker 1: different kinds of friendships? Like even thinking about like the

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Speaker 1: friendship deck of like can I have friends that I

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Speaker 1: would only ask these like first questions with the first base,

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Speaker 1: like that's okay. And I can have a lot of

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Speaker 1: those friends and they almost feel like acquaintances, but you

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Speaker 1: can still call them friend. But not every friend that

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Speaker 1: we have, because to me, it almost in my past

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Speaker 1: felt like I owed every friendship I started all of

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Speaker 1: this energy and time and space, and it has to

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Speaker 1: be because I'm a connecting person. It has to be

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Speaker 1: this thing that and it doesn't. It can just be like, oh,

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Speaker 1: we can see each other when we see each other,

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Speaker 1: if we're at the same restaurant, we can say hi.

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Speaker 1: If we run each other at an event, we can

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Speaker 1: say hi. But I'm not going to like plan extra

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Speaker 1: vacation with this group of people. I also think about

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Speaker 1: two I totally had a similar experience where I also

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Speaker 1: felt like every single friend I needed to go to

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Speaker 1: the depths with they needed to know all the things

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Speaker 1: about me, and we had to be talking like all

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Speaker 1: about our feelings all the time for it to be

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Speaker 1: a real friendship. And I was like, that's not sustainable

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Speaker 1: at all. And so even I got my hair done

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Speaker 1: last night and the woman doing my hair never asked

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Speaker 1: me a thing about my work, doesn't even know I'm

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Speaker 1: a therapist, and we just talked about food and travel

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Speaker 1: the whole time. Granted I don't consider her my friend,

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Speaker 1: but I was like, this is so refreshing. Or even

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Speaker 1: I have a new friend where it's we don't necessarily

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Speaker 1: go that deep with but we can just laugh and

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Speaker 1: play and be silly, and we need the full spectrum

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Speaker 1: of friends, oh totally. And yeah, like sometimes I just

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Speaker 1: want to talk about like pop culture. I don't want

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Speaker 1: to talk about feelings, like I really don't. I can't

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Speaker 1: do that. So I think that is so important. I

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Speaker 1: want to really drive home this because I think again,

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Speaker 1: to me, the biggest things like well, if I only

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Speaker 1: have four or five friends, that means I don't have friends.

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Speaker 1: I hear that all the time, Like that's not true.

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Speaker 1: It's like, yes you do. I'd rather have four really

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Speaker 1: awesome friends than be spread thin trying to like show

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Speaker 1: up for everybody, and it doesn't make you a mean

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Speaker 1: person when you're not. Like there's people that I think

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Speaker 1: in everybody's life that you're going to be people that

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Speaker 1: like reach out to you and want to be your

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Speaker 1: friend and want to connect with you and want to

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Speaker 1: and you might not have space and that's not mean.

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Speaker 1: It's kind to tell them the truth like I don't. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: we're saying the same thing as like you're going to

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Speaker 1: be let down with by me if we if I

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Speaker 1: do let this friendship in because it's not going to

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Speaker 1: be a priority. So I'd rather be transparent and be like, ah,

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Speaker 1: I can't do this, or like I don't think I

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Speaker 1: have the time to invest, because that gets them on

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Speaker 1: their journey of finding their people who are available that

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Speaker 1: much quicker, right, And then you have that like dynamic

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Speaker 1: where there's there might be one person that's like reaching

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Speaker 1: out to you for everything that is always inviting new

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Speaker 1: place citizen, always like you know so much about their life,

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Speaker 1: but like you don't share with them, and then it

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Speaker 1: sets up this weird dynamic for them to be like

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Speaker 1: this is one sided and you don't it's like I

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Speaker 1: don't have time and so maybe you should just I

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Speaker 1: think set the boundary earlier of like I don't even

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Speaker 1: have time to take in this information. Yeah yeah, really

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Speaker 1: important Number one. We're going to move to the second one. Yes,

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Speaker 1: friendships should always feel easy, Breezy. I actually thought it

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Speaker 1: was funny. I was thinking about, you know, how we

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Speaker 1: wore those DFF necklaces growing up. I actually think it's

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Speaker 1: kind of telling because it usually was a broken heart.

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Speaker 1: That's pretty, that's like a dark humor because we're going

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Speaker 1: to eventually, Yeah, yeah, we're gonna fight. I just I

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Speaker 1: think it has to do with the patriarchy, with this

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Speaker 1: belief that women are the feelers, are subservient, are always giving,

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Speaker 1: are always generous, are gentle and sweet and kind, and

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Speaker 1: we are those things. But we're also so incredibly dynamic

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Speaker 1: and strong and powerful, and friendships are not easy, especially

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Speaker 1: when you get I've noticed like really powerful people together

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Speaker 1: have opinions. I think it's specially as I'm noticing millennials

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Speaker 1: are really healing collectively from this kind of codependent wound

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Speaker 1: of like oh I don't care, like whatever you want,

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Speaker 1: like no, whatever you want, and just kind of like

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to have any edges and I'm just

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Speaker 1: going to merge with whatever you're doing. We're really coming

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Speaker 1: out of that, and so we're having opinions, and that

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Speaker 1: means we're gonna have different opinions, and sometimes it can

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00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:26,440
Speaker 1: get a little there can be fiction. And I've always

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Speaker 1: said that that's not like that probably means you're doing

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Speaker 1: friendship right, because it means you're bringing you're actually bringing

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Speaker 1: yourself into the relationship. Yeah, And I think that for me,

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Speaker 1: if it's the same in a romantic relationship as a friendship,

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Speaker 1: if there's never any conflict in your romantic relationship, people

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Speaker 1: like I never fight with my partner, and it's like, well, why,

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Speaker 1: let's talk about why you aren't fighting, Like how are

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Speaker 1: you always agreeing on everything? How how are you both

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Speaker 1: always just doing everything perfectly for the other? Like, conflict

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean and when I even say fighting doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: you're screaming at the top of your lungs at each other.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't mean you're giving each other the silent treatment.

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Speaker 1: Doesn't mean that you're just being mean to each other.

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Speaker 1: Conflict is just that it's just having a conversation where

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Speaker 1: you guys don't agree on something, where you're sharing information

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Speaker 1: that might help the other person know you better. Like

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Speaker 1: I think it's the same in friendships, as it's impossible

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Speaker 1: unless we're people pleasing to never bump up in a

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Speaker 1: difference of opinion, and impossible for that never to like

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00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,359
Speaker 1: give you or elicit some kind of feeling inside of

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Speaker 1: you that isn't like happy happy joy. It makes me

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Speaker 1: think a lot about why I think talking about friendships

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Speaker 1: openly and the friendship dynamics is so helpful because friendships

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Speaker 1: are not easy breezy. So I'm thinking about different life

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Speaker 1: changes and life stages, like when our friends move away.

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Speaker 1: I've moved away quite a lot, when they get married,

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Speaker 1: when they have babies. My mentor in l A told

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Speaker 1: me this story, and I can't stop thinking about it.

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00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:08,440
Speaker 1: She said, I remember when my best friend, she was

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00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,399
Speaker 1: like my ride or die. We would be the people

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Speaker 1: who it was like Friday or like Thursday night, and

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00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:14,600
Speaker 1: we're like, let's go somewhere this weekend, and they like

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00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,760
Speaker 1: buy tickets at the last second, like just that incredible,

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00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:21,000
Speaker 1: Like I am up for an adventure friend. And she said,

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00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:25,080
Speaker 1: my friend sat me down when she got engaged, and

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00:18:25,119 --> 00:18:28,320
Speaker 1: I was so excited and all of this and she said, Hey,

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Speaker 1: I also want to let you know, like our relationship

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00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:35,080
Speaker 1: is going to change them, like it's going to be different.

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Speaker 1: And I think, yes, I'm so excited and I'm so

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00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,840
Speaker 1: thankful you're so excited, but we need to talk about this.

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00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,600
Speaker 1: It's going to be different. And my mentor is like,

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00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:46,280
Speaker 1: that just really set us up for so much success.

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Speaker 1: And she was like, she did it when she had

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Speaker 1: a baby too, and it just made it so much

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Speaker 1: easier to talk about the fact that friendships do change

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Speaker 1: a lot of times. It's easy to be like I'm

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00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:59,320
Speaker 1: going to move away, nothing will change. No, it will change.

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Speaker 1: And actually, if we talk about how it's going to change,

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00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:07,159
Speaker 1: it makes the relationship and the friendship so much easier

355
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,320
Speaker 1: and less like it just keeps you out of a

356
00:19:09,359 --> 00:19:14,560
Speaker 1: lot of resentment and bitterness, honestly, And just like this

357
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:19,639
Speaker 1: like weird mystery too. I think when we're not talking

358
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:23,199
Speaker 1: about that, both parties are still thinking about things. And

359
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:26,240
Speaker 1: so we're in this belt. Do they notice the difference?

360
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,400
Speaker 1: I noticed the difference. Are they upset about the difference.

361
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:32,159
Speaker 1: I'm upset about the difference, Like takes that out because

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Speaker 1: I mean, I I'm dating somebody, but we've only been

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Speaker 1: dating for six months, but for me at least, dating

364
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,760
Speaker 1: somebody in your my thirties is very different than dating

365
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Speaker 1: somebody or it was how I dated somebody in my twenties. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And it has brought up a lot of like a

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00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:51,639
Speaker 1: lot of joy, gratitude, all the things, and like a

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00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:55,240
Speaker 1: lot of like, oh, like I can't be the person

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Speaker 1: at eight o'clock at night when my friends say, hey,

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00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,640
Speaker 1: he wants to meet it so in so and get

371
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Speaker 1: pizza and play cards. I might be with him and

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00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:07,359
Speaker 1: I can't just like I gotta go by bye anymore.

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Speaker 1: And I've had to say, oh, I'm I'm busy, and

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00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:13,320
Speaker 1: I never had to. If I said that before, it

375
00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:14,840
Speaker 1: was because I just didn't want to leave my house.

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00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:20,239
Speaker 1: It's not a huge, huge conflict in a sense, but

377
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,919
Speaker 1: it is a big deal to At the same time,

378
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,600
Speaker 1: there's still that like, oh, it's a change, and it's

379
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:29,400
Speaker 1: it's important that like even the like saying friendship shouldn't

380
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:31,919
Speaker 1: always feel easy breezy. That's not easy breezy for me,

381
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,800
Speaker 1: that I like feel this like sadness in this riff

382
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,560
Speaker 1: somewhat and my friendships, but it doesn't mean that like

383
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:42,200
Speaker 1: my friendships are bad and like I'm doing something wrong

384
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:46,760
Speaker 1: or they're doing something wrong at all. I mean they're changing. Yeah,

385
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,159
Speaker 1: it's so okay like these people. I think that's just

386
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:52,800
Speaker 1: the biggest thing. It's like messy feelings in friendship. That

387
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:56,200
Speaker 1: doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It probably means you're

388
00:20:56,200 --> 00:21:05,960
Speaker 1: doing it right and paying attention. I wonder, like, there's

389
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,840
Speaker 1: so many perspectives you can take on this, but for

390
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:12,640
Speaker 1: you when it comes to like people like millennials, let's

391
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,040
Speaker 1: just talk about millennials. What do you think is one

392
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:20,040
Speaker 1: of the driving factors that tells us if there's big

393
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:23,480
Speaker 1: feelings involved that aren't joy and gladness and all that

394
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:27,760
Speaker 1: and love, something's long like where did that come from? Yeah?

395
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:31,320
Speaker 1: I wonder if a lot of it came from our

396
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,439
Speaker 1: parents and this idea that I don't think it's this

397
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:38,600
Speaker 1: way anymore, but I definitely know feelings were not okay,

398
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:42,320
Speaker 1: Like things needed to be okay, needed to be on

399
00:21:42,359 --> 00:21:44,520
Speaker 1: the up and up, you needed to look pretty. You

400
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:47,800
Speaker 1: don't talk about hard things. For me, I see that

401
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:51,480
Speaker 1: because when you hear that just basically you just hear that,

402
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:55,639
Speaker 1: it almost feels like, oh, that's bad. But the perspective

403
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:57,960
Speaker 1: that I see that coming from is we didn't talk

404
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,800
Speaker 1: about feelings in my house like ever. Yeah, but it

405
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:03,520
Speaker 1: was because parents always just wanted me to be happy,

406
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,960
Speaker 1: like because not because they're bad, but they just like

407
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:10,080
Speaker 1: wanted the best for me. So when the yeah, so

408
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,320
Speaker 1: when like something went wrong, it's like, Okay, we're gonna

409
00:22:12,359 --> 00:22:14,360
Speaker 1: move past this because we're going to get you back

410
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,600
Speaker 1: to the place to feel in like yourself. Like, there

411
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:20,480
Speaker 1: wasn't space to sit in the suck of anything. There

412
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:23,800
Speaker 1: wasn't space to sit in the disagreements or their discomfort.

413
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,640
Speaker 1: It was like, let's resolve this right away and move forward.

414
00:22:27,359 --> 00:22:29,679
Speaker 1: And I think that's because as a parent. I'm not

415
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:32,520
Speaker 1: a parent, but I imagine it very very difficult to

416
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:36,600
Speaker 1: sit and watch your child have a hard time, and

417
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:40,760
Speaker 1: so it's easier to just push through and ignore than

418
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:44,119
Speaker 1: anything else. And what I've seen that do as we

419
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:47,280
Speaker 1: move forward in our lives is we don't create like

420
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,240
Speaker 1: the threshold to hold our selves in that space with

421
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:54,160
Speaker 1: any other relationship either. We haven't had the practice. So

422
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:57,120
Speaker 1: my encouragement to people who are like, oh, I don't

423
00:22:57,119 --> 00:22:59,240
Speaker 1: want friendships that have conflict or I don't want to

424
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:02,119
Speaker 1: do that hard thing is we're building muscles, Like every

425
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:06,119
Speaker 1: time you have a conversation, even if it's like, hey,

426
00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:09,800
Speaker 1: when you showed up late to dinner, I felt like

427
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:12,320
Speaker 1: a loser. And if you're late next time, like just

428
00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:14,040
Speaker 1: like let me know, because I didn't. I don't want

429
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,120
Speaker 1: to sit at that table by myself again. I would

430
00:23:16,119 --> 00:23:20,000
Speaker 1: have waited, the simple, simple, simple. Every time you do that,

431
00:23:20,119 --> 00:23:23,680
Speaker 1: you're like working on that muscle. Just like we wouldn't

432
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:27,080
Speaker 1: walk into a gym and run ten miles on a treadmill,

433
00:23:27,119 --> 00:23:31,200
Speaker 1: like we'd start with maybe one. And it's the same

434
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,040
Speaker 1: thing as like you have to build that up, which

435
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,920
Speaker 1: also a shape with your friendship deck. It's like you're

436
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,440
Speaker 1: building up the muscles to be able to answer those

437
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:41,359
Speaker 1: hard questions I talk a lot. It reminds me of

438
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:44,520
Speaker 1: just we're talking about the idea of frustration tolerance, and

439
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:47,080
Speaker 1: so what a lot of us do is I think

440
00:23:47,119 --> 00:23:50,600
Speaker 1: normalizing We're going to feel frustrated regardless of what we do.

441
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,960
Speaker 1: There's a frustration that keeps us stuck, and there's a

442
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:56,080
Speaker 1: frustration tolerance that we can build that actually leads to

443
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:59,120
Speaker 1: something better. You are frustrating yourself when you don't say

444
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:02,159
Speaker 1: anything and friend shows up and she was, you know,

445
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:04,000
Speaker 1: twenty minutes late, and you felt like a loser, and

446
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,239
Speaker 1: you're like, oh my gosh, not a problem, like what's up?

447
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:09,040
Speaker 1: And you stuff it down and you get on with it.

448
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,280
Speaker 1: You are also frustrating yourself when you work up the

449
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:15,120
Speaker 1: courage to say, like, hey, I felt like the loser,

450
00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:16,960
Speaker 1: like just let me know, Like I'm not mad, but

451
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:21,200
Speaker 1: just let me know. And that frustration actually leads to something.

452
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:25,240
Speaker 1: And then when the things get really intense, or say

453
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:29,200
Speaker 1: your friends, you know, said something that like that totally

454
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,560
Speaker 1: hit like a deep tender spot that they might not

455
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:35,040
Speaker 1: know about, you now have the tolerance to to let

456
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:38,000
Speaker 1: them know about that. But yeah, start with the small

457
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:41,240
Speaker 1: stuff like, hey, maybe don't like I like to eat

458
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,439
Speaker 1: all my fries, Like it's just a weird thing. I

459
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:48,639
Speaker 1: don't sheer food. I feel like so many people are like,

460
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:51,880
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, yes, I have a couple of people too. Yeah.

461
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,000
Speaker 1: Starts small. It'll be weird, it'll be awkward. That's okay.

462
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:57,840
Speaker 1: That means you're doing it right. Yeah. And also you're

463
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:00,199
Speaker 1: offering such a gift on the other side, because if

464
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,879
Speaker 1: we've never been confronted as friends with anything, it's like

465
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,399
Speaker 1: you saying that might feel like, oh my god, I

466
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,600
Speaker 1: feel like the worst person ever. I'm so sorry, like

467
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,359
Speaker 1: and like, we also need to learn. Hey, people can

468
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:15,800
Speaker 1: give me feedback and I can say, oh, I had

469
00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:19,080
Speaker 1: no idea, thank you, thank you. Yes, there's great research that.

470
00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:21,639
Speaker 1: Burnee Brown said that one of the key indicators for

471
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:26,720
Speaker 1: successful relationships is actually having self worth, because if you

472
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:30,200
Speaker 1: have self worth, you have the wherewithal to have these

473
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:34,280
Speaker 1: conversations and trust that you will not collapse into oh

474
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,840
Speaker 1: my god, I'm a worst friend because it's like, oh,

475
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,360
Speaker 1: I'm human, I'm gonna mess up. Oh I love that.

476
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,000
Speaker 1: I freaking love them, right Brown, Okay, let's move to

477
00:25:42,119 --> 00:25:46,440
Speaker 1: number three. We have Well, this kind of goes into

478
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:51,000
Speaker 1: what we just said. Good friends don't fight, so friends fight. Yeah.

479
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:52,560
Speaker 1: I don't think we really need to say anything else

480
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:56,920
Speaker 1: about that. We answered both and okay this one, BFFs

481
00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:04,080
Speaker 1: are four forever. We will dispel that that sadly, I

482
00:26:04,119 --> 00:26:07,959
Speaker 1: think statistics say friendships on average last about seven years.

483
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:12,600
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, certainly, people are all over. I shared this

484
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:14,960
Speaker 1: on TikTok once and people went off there like I

485
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,840
Speaker 1: have twenty of your friendships, and I'm like, that is amazing.

486
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,760
Speaker 1: Like we need those kinds of friends that can span

487
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:24,840
Speaker 1: decades and not every friend will go the distance with us.

488
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:26,840
Speaker 1: I mean, have you found this like that you have

489
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:28,840
Speaker 1: some friends that you are so close with and it's

490
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:33,680
Speaker 1: not there anymore. Yeah, And I am so First of all,

491
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:39,200
Speaker 1: TikTok is an unsafe place. I had one video once

492
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:41,920
Speaker 1: go viral and I was like, accidentally, I wasn't trying

493
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:44,240
Speaker 1: to use TikTok, and I was like, I've never want

494
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:47,439
Speaker 1: to be TikTok famous ever in my life because people

495
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:52,520
Speaker 1: scary no boundaries when it comes to and everything that

496
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:54,320
Speaker 1: has to apply to them. So it's like I have

497
00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:57,399
Speaker 1: friends that I've had for twenty years and I was like, Okay,

498
00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:01,600
Speaker 1: maybe this isn't apply to that front. Yeah, anyway has it?

499
00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:06,919
Speaker 1: But so I have had so many seasons of friends,

500
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:10,320
Speaker 1: and I think that this is very normal. Like I'm

501
00:27:10,359 --> 00:27:12,760
Speaker 1: not somebody who has like a friend from when I

502
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:15,199
Speaker 1: was in second grade, Like I don't want to have

503
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:18,720
Speaker 1: some acquaintances from when I was in middle school. And

504
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:20,600
Speaker 1: I have some friends that are from middle school, but

505
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,800
Speaker 1: they're not my best friends still just because they're my

506
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:26,280
Speaker 1: longest friends. But if I look back at my life

507
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,120
Speaker 1: in different stages. When I was in high school living

508
00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:33,879
Speaker 1: in Franklin, Tennessee. When I was in college living in Mississippi,

509
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:37,240
Speaker 1: when I was in grad school, and Nashville, when I

510
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:40,440
Speaker 1: started working at a treatment center an hour away. When

511
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:43,520
Speaker 1: I then moved, like moved into private practice where I

512
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:47,719
Speaker 1: am now. I have these deep, deep friendships that are

513
00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:51,119
Speaker 1: like your go to people. They cannot still be my people,

514
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:54,680
Speaker 1: like my friends from college. I have one friend from

515
00:27:54,680 --> 00:28:00,520
Speaker 1: college that lives in Tennessee. One So those other people

516
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:03,439
Speaker 1: that were my best friends in college, it doesn't make sense.

517
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:06,240
Speaker 1: They got married right after college, they all moved, and

518
00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:09,560
Speaker 1: they most of them have kids. It doesn't make sense

519
00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:12,600
Speaker 1: for me to still push and push and push and

520
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:16,200
Speaker 1: push for those to be my very best friends now.

521
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:18,480
Speaker 1: Do I still talk to them? Yes? Are they so

522
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:21,000
Speaker 1: important to me? Yes? I just went on a trip

523
00:28:21,119 --> 00:28:24,480
Speaker 1: with some of them to the lake. It was awesome.

524
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:27,440
Speaker 1: We hadn't seen each other, and we had seen each

525
00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:30,000
Speaker 1: other like maybe nine months earlier at a wedding, but

526
00:28:30,119 --> 00:28:32,080
Speaker 1: before that, it was like years went by. We had

527
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:34,760
Speaker 1: so much to catch up on. It's those friendships that

528
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:36,720
Speaker 1: like you don't have to talk to them every day

529
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,560
Speaker 1: to feel comfortable with them when you see them. I

530
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:42,480
Speaker 1: think that's important to acknowledge that I don't have to

531
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 1: fight tooth and nail to maintain those friendships. They just

532
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:49,840
Speaker 1: get to be. And then even the friends that like

533
00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:53,880
Speaker 1: I live in the same area that I grew up in,

534
00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:57,120
Speaker 1: So there's this push in this pool and this you

535
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,400
Speaker 1: should stay friends with your friends from high school because

536
00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:01,920
Speaker 1: you can and are around. And it's like that was

537
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:05,480
Speaker 1: what at least fifteen years ago. I am not the

538
00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:07,760
Speaker 1: same person I was in high school. That you have

539
00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:10,840
Speaker 1: permission to not be friends with the people you were

540
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:13,040
Speaker 1: friend with in high school. If it works, it works.

541
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:16,320
Speaker 1: If it doesn't, it's okay. Hey. And I think that

542
00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:19,560
Speaker 1: this like seven year thing is really interesting because it

543
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:23,640
Speaker 1: kind of explains like we're evolving, and I don't think

544
00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:26,240
Speaker 1: we always evolved the same as the people were with

545
00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:28,840
Speaker 1: based on like what our goals are in life, what

546
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:33,040
Speaker 1: our interests are, Like I'm going to start leaning towards

547
00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:36,080
Speaker 1: friends and people in my life that might not be

548
00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:39,720
Speaker 1: who I was friends with seven years ago because of that.

549
00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:43,280
Speaker 1: So I think this is very important because I think

550
00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:46,959
Speaker 1: when you call somebody your best friend, it's like almost

551
00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:50,160
Speaker 1: like we've branded that and what if we had best

552
00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:52,120
Speaker 1: friends for seasons of our lives, Like what if? That

553
00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:54,840
Speaker 1: was just like a very okay. I feel like one

554
00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:57,960
Speaker 1: of the biggest friendship transitions I went through is when

555
00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:03,240
Speaker 1: I was really involved in my faith and spirituality and

556
00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:06,320
Speaker 1: that was very very important to me, and I did

557
00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:08,920
Speaker 1: a lot of I just started asking questions and did

558
00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:11,600
Speaker 1: a lot of deconstruction work. And I work with a

559
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:15,480
Speaker 1: lot of folks who have experienced spiritual abuse. That was

560
00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:18,959
Speaker 1: one of the hardest transitions of Here these people that

561
00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:21,840
Speaker 1: have loved me, that really have loved me so well,

562
00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:26,840
Speaker 1: but there's now this like kind of huge difference between us.

563
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:29,200
Speaker 1: And there was a lot of hurt there too, because

564
00:30:29,240 --> 00:30:32,320
Speaker 1: it was like, wait, the friendship, a lot of it

565
00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:35,440
Speaker 1: was based on us believing the same thing, and when

566
00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:39,000
Speaker 1: you stop believing the same thing, it gets unsafe on

567
00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:42,360
Speaker 1: both parties, like for both ends. And I had to

568
00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:45,240
Speaker 1: do a lot of work and just grieving around. Like

569
00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:47,840
Speaker 1: the friendships were not bad, but for me to grow,

570
00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:50,920
Speaker 1: for me to continue evolving, it's not going to be

571
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:54,240
Speaker 1: kind to myself, to my nervous system, to all of that.

572
00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:59,160
Speaker 1: To keep trying to make these things work. Some difference, Yeah,

573
00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:02,560
Speaker 1: I think that's really important, in a really important example

574
00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:06,040
Speaker 1: to give, because I think because those people aren't bad people,

575
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:08,800
Speaker 1: they're just pool and there's just like almost like this

576
00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:12,360
Speaker 1: guilt and grief built into that, like I'm letting go

577
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:15,360
Speaker 1: of I'm letting go of this belief system that isn't

578
00:31:15,360 --> 00:31:18,440
Speaker 1: serving me, it sounds like, but that comes with the

579
00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:22,719
Speaker 1: grief of one that past belief system and also the

580
00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:25,760
Speaker 1: things that are attached to that that are causing me

581
00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:29,600
Speaker 1: pain because they keep me in that same circle and

582
00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:31,440
Speaker 1: I don't I don't need to be in that circle anymore.

583
00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:35,120
Speaker 1: And so that's where like forcing ourselves to maintain the

584
00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:37,800
Speaker 1: same friends whether you don't want to be a bad

585
00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:40,600
Speaker 1: person or because they're they were your friend during this

586
00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:43,120
Speaker 1: hard time, So you should you owe any of that?

587
00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:45,760
Speaker 1: You have to think about like you have to be

588
00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:48,520
Speaker 1: a friend of yourself too, And what does being a

589
00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:51,239
Speaker 1: friend of myself look like right now? It looks like

590
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:53,800
Speaker 1: setting some boundaries that are really hard and I'm going

591
00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:56,320
Speaker 1: to need help letting them, but I have to do it.

592
00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:59,960
Speaker 1: So I think that's important to say that, like transition

593
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:04,040
Speaker 1: stions like that, you're allowed to make space. It doesn't

594
00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:05,840
Speaker 1: just have to be like I moved across the country,

595
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:09,200
Speaker 1: I had a baby. It's like, no, these musicians, like

596
00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:12,520
Speaker 1: I might need space for different kind of people to

597
00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,280
Speaker 1: pour into my life at this point, and those people

598
00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:19,880
Speaker 1: serve me so well, and and I need something different now,

599
00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:22,240
Speaker 1: which goes back to the first one. You don't have

600
00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:25,960
Speaker 1: to keep all your friends all the time, no, okay,

601
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:28,560
Speaker 1: which evolving all right, So this moves us into our

602
00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:31,280
Speaker 1: last one. And I'm going to combine two thoughts, and

603
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:36,680
Speaker 1: it is that friendship endings aren't helpful and friendship endings

604
00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:40,800
Speaker 1: aren't hurtful, which kind of they like go against each other,

605
00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:42,440
Speaker 1: but I think both can be true. We can use

606
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:44,800
Speaker 1: some of that space there that both of these can

607
00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:48,920
Speaker 1: hold both. Yeah, we can. The most therapistic therapistic things

608
00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:52,760
Speaker 1: to say, can hold these things. So let's talk about that. Like,

609
00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:55,920
Speaker 1: let's start with why friendship anything, because it kind of

610
00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:59,120
Speaker 1: goes with what we were just saying, aren't helpful, And

611
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:02,840
Speaker 1: let's say, like why they are helpful would be basically

612
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:05,479
Speaker 1: what we're just talking about. Yeah, I think they're helpful

613
00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:07,960
Speaker 1: because they let you grow and evolve, They let you

614
00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:11,640
Speaker 1: become a different person, so much of I mean, we're

615
00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:14,560
Speaker 1: both therapists. And I wish that there was almost more

616
00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:18,160
Speaker 1: disclaimers when people come to therapy, because there's all this good,

617
00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:21,280
Speaker 1: great positive change that comes when we go to therapy.

618
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:26,440
Speaker 1: But also it is so common for friendships that once

619
00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:31,000
Speaker 1: felt seamless. You start doing some boundary works, some people

620
00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:35,160
Speaker 1: pleasing work, finding yourself, finding your voice and realizing like,

621
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:38,680
Speaker 1: oh that's not actually okay how that friend treats me,

622
00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:43,040
Speaker 1: or I don't like that I get walked over, And

623
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:46,120
Speaker 1: suddenly this friendship that used to be so easy because

624
00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:49,320
Speaker 1: you just followed everything that your friend told you, it's

625
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:51,840
Speaker 1: not easy anymore. And it feels like opposite ends of

626
00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:55,560
Speaker 1: a magnet. That's helpful to walk away from that friendship

627
00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:59,360
Speaker 1: because then you get to have space for new friends

628
00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:02,320
Speaker 1: that can hold you, and you can hold them with

629
00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:06,000
Speaker 1: a lot more fullness and space. That's good. We want

630
00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:09,520
Speaker 1: that so good. And something I love to remind people

631
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:12,719
Speaker 1: in therapy and in my life and myself is just

632
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:16,560
Speaker 1: because somebody has a reaction that is not great to

633
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:18,960
Speaker 1: what you have done, what you have said, just because

634
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:21,600
Speaker 1: somebody doesn't like it, it doesn't mean that you're doing

635
00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:25,000
Speaker 1: something wrong. And it goes back to us not being

636
00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:28,480
Speaker 1: able to like sit and wrestle with feelings, and it

637
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:31,319
Speaker 1: feels like if somebody's mad at me, that means I

638
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:34,399
Speaker 1: owe them an apology. And I don't think that's true.

639
00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:36,160
Speaker 1: I think a lot of times people get mad at

640
00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:40,800
Speaker 1: you because you're not living in line with the boundaries

641
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:43,399
Speaker 1: that they need you to have for them to get

642
00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:47,720
Speaker 1: what they need. And that's not a you problem. That's okay.

643
00:34:47,719 --> 00:34:51,400
Speaker 1: Now they need to really reevaluate their stuff. Yeah, it

644
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:54,480
Speaker 1: can actually become a you problem. I would say they

645
00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:56,319
Speaker 1: are parts of it. There are two people in this.

646
00:34:56,840 --> 00:34:59,160
Speaker 1: There's the friend that's like wanting you to change back

647
00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:01,799
Speaker 1: your work. In that sense, it is going back to

648
00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:04,640
Speaker 1: what we were talking about frustration tolerance. Your work of

649
00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:08,040
Speaker 1: frustration is to sit on your hands and do nothing

650
00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:13,320
Speaker 1: and to not make it better. Oh so hard, so hard,

651
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:17,319
Speaker 1: so freaking hard. Okay. Now, let's then switch gears and

652
00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:22,360
Speaker 1: talk about why friendships ending. Can we are so hurtful?

653
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:24,560
Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like that's the theme of what

654
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:30,880
Speaker 1: we're talking about at large, is we so idealize romantic

655
00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:35,319
Speaker 1: relationships and even we have rituals for them when they end.

656
00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:38,759
Speaker 1: Say you tell your friend a girlfriend like we broke up.

657
00:35:38,800 --> 00:35:40,719
Speaker 1: There's a sense of like, oh my gosh, I'm coming over,

658
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:43,160
Speaker 1: Like we're gonna watch like dumb movies and eat and

659
00:35:43,239 --> 00:35:47,680
Speaker 1: eat like whatever. There's rituals in their space for that.

660
00:35:48,640 --> 00:35:51,920
Speaker 1: When you talk about friendship endings, it is so messy.

661
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:54,600
Speaker 1: There's not a lot of language for it. It's awkward

662
00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:57,000
Speaker 1: to talk about because what if your friends in a

663
00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:01,000
Speaker 1: larger group context, and so it comes how do you

664
00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:04,160
Speaker 1: talk about, Oh, I'm still going to be with the group,

665
00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:07,280
Speaker 1: but me and this person are aren't really friends anymore.

666
00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:10,319
Speaker 1: I think I just want to normalize again, like we've

667
00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:15,920
Speaker 1: been doing. Friendship endings hurt so much. Do you see that? Well?

668
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:19,879
Speaker 1: I think what I see more so is in romantic relationships,

669
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:22,360
Speaker 1: they're either supposed to last forever or there was going

670
00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:24,800
Speaker 1: to be an ending, So it's really kind of like normal.

671
00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:28,560
Speaker 1: When when there's a breakup of a romantic relationship, it's like, Okay,

672
00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:30,880
Speaker 1: this makes sense. It sucks, and like we're gonna agreeve that,

673
00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:33,120
Speaker 1: we're gonna do all the things. But this is part

674
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:37,319
Speaker 1: of dating. But friendship breakups aren't talked about as part

675
00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:41,120
Speaker 1: of making friends, and so it's this thing that like

676
00:36:41,239 --> 00:36:45,040
Speaker 1: if it happens again, it's wrong, which it's not, so

677
00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:47,480
Speaker 1: we're not going to do anything about it, and that

678
00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:49,680
Speaker 1: means maybe you did something wrong because you couldn't make

679
00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:53,279
Speaker 1: the friendship work. You're a mad friend. Yeah, instead of

680
00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:57,040
Speaker 1: let me come over, this is really hard, Let's get

681
00:36:57,080 --> 00:37:00,560
Speaker 1: some ice cream and talk about our feelings. Where I'll

682
00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:02,160
Speaker 1: just sit there and you can cry in my lap.

683
00:37:02,239 --> 00:37:05,719
Speaker 1: Like there's not that because of all I think the

684
00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:08,360
Speaker 1: belief systems around friends. So this is a really good

685
00:37:08,360 --> 00:37:12,040
Speaker 1: one to end with because I've had some friendship endings

686
00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:15,120
Speaker 1: that were really hurtful, some that I in my passed

687
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:17,959
Speaker 1: wouldn't talk about it. It It was just like a big

688
00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:21,879
Speaker 1: blow up whatever. But in my later years when these

689
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:25,680
Speaker 1: friendships have ended, there was a lot on particular, thinking

690
00:37:25,680 --> 00:37:28,600
Speaker 1: of one, there was a lot of conversation around it

691
00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:31,040
Speaker 1: because it was a loss of a lot of things.

692
00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:34,160
Speaker 1: It was the loss of the connection between multiple people

693
00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:37,520
Speaker 1: because it was somebody who's infiltrated in multiple friend groups.

694
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:40,600
Speaker 1: You're talking about like maybe you're still friends in a

695
00:37:40,719 --> 00:37:43,240
Speaker 1: larger group, but you're not friend with this person. There's

696
00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:47,239
Speaker 1: so much pain in that. There's so much because we

697
00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:51,759
Speaker 1: are human beings and we are bound to make mistakes

698
00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:56,520
Speaker 1: in making comfortable, and when you're in a large group

699
00:37:56,560 --> 00:37:59,600
Speaker 1: of friends, there's a lot of I mean where this

700
00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:01,160
Speaker 1: would be different cause I feel like there's like this

701
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:05,520
Speaker 1: loyalty when with dating relationships, almost with friends, it's like, well,

702
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:08,719
Speaker 1: I'm still friends with this person, and I was like, oh,

703
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:10,680
Speaker 1: but it hurts me that you were hanging out with

704
00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:14,520
Speaker 1: this person who hurt me, and I have to work one. Yes,

705
00:38:14,600 --> 00:38:17,680
Speaker 1: there's so much in that and I'm just expected to

706
00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:20,960
Speaker 1: just be fine with it. And only it's like you're

707
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:24,360
Speaker 1: grieving just like a dating relationship, you're grieving like the

708
00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:28,640
Speaker 1: future unity lot, Yeah, grieving their friends. You're grieving a

709
00:38:28,680 --> 00:38:32,960
Speaker 1: lot in that friendship as well. But again to your point,

710
00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:36,719
Speaker 1: there's no language about it and nobody is talking about that.

711
00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:41,120
Speaker 1: So it's something that we don't even know what to

712
00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:43,799
Speaker 1: do with, so we just don't do anything, Yeah, which

713
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:45,840
Speaker 1: makes it hard. I think there are ways that you

714
00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:50,719
Speaker 1: can have integrity in the friendship endings, Like I think

715
00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:53,600
Speaker 1: there's it's important Like whenever I've gone through it, I

716
00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:55,920
Speaker 1: try and kind of have like one or two people,

717
00:38:56,160 --> 00:38:58,160
Speaker 1: one or two good friends that know like the full

718
00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:01,120
Speaker 1: story and that I can process it and aren't so

719
00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:03,960
Speaker 1: directly involved in the friend group because I don't want

720
00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:06,640
Speaker 1: to put them in a weird position. And then I

721
00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:10,839
Speaker 1: just kind of create like a really simple if someone's like, oh,

722
00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:13,960
Speaker 1: have you seen such things, actulately like a really simple

723
00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:16,399
Speaker 1: like no, you know, I haven't. I hope they're doing well,

724
00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:19,480
Speaker 1: because honestly, I do hope they're doing well. And it's

725
00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,239
Speaker 1: not gonna be helpful to be like we're actually not

726
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:27,399
Speaker 1: friends anymore if you cannot ask me about totally so much.

727
00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:29,799
Speaker 1: I think that like what I'm really grateful for in

728
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:31,799
Speaker 1: this conversation is it opened up a door for a

729
00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:34,759
Speaker 1: lot of things, and there's so much that can come

730
00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:37,880
Speaker 1: off of this. So I want anybody who's listening, if

731
00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:41,360
Speaker 1: you have questions about something that we talked about or

732
00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:44,480
Speaker 1: just friendship in general, send them to me Katherine at

733
00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:47,799
Speaker 1: You Need Therapy podcast dot com and I can answer

734
00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:50,000
Speaker 1: some of them on couch Shocks And if there's a couple,

735
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:54,120
Speaker 1: we can always have you back and talk about back. Yeah,

736
00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:57,520
Speaker 1: because I was saying like before we started recording, like

737
00:39:57,560 --> 00:39:59,680
Speaker 1: friendship can be a series, like that could be a

738
00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:03,920
Speaker 1: whole theories we do. We all are dealing with friendship.

739
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:06,439
Speaker 1: It's not something that any of us aren't touching at all,

740
00:40:06,800 --> 00:40:09,399
Speaker 1: so we can write that and we can all kind

741
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:11,399
Speaker 1: of like learn and get better at that too. So

742
00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:15,600
Speaker 1: questions send um, where can they find you? Where can

743
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:18,680
Speaker 1: they buy the friendship Deck? You can buy it at

744
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:22,600
Speaker 1: www dot the friendship deck dot com and then you

745
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:25,719
Speaker 1: can find me on social media. It's just my name,

746
00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:28,960
Speaker 1: Blake blanken Beckler. Good like spelling it, but we'll put

747
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:31,080
Speaker 1: it in. Put in some yeah, put in some letters,

748
00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:34,839
Speaker 1: and you'll find me eventually. What was your last name

749
00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:38,440
Speaker 1: before you got married? Was it simple? Oh? Very simple, Snyder.

750
00:40:38,680 --> 00:40:41,239
Speaker 1: That's how that's a funny fact. That's how I knew

751
00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:43,759
Speaker 1: when I met my husband. You know how girls do

752
00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:45,759
Speaker 1: like what's my last name? I'm going to be if

753
00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:48,400
Speaker 1: I take his last name and I put it together

754
00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:51,160
Speaker 1: and I was like, my name would be Blake Blanken

755
00:40:51,239 --> 00:40:54,120
Speaker 1: Beckler and I was like there's no way. I was like,

756
00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:59,160
Speaker 1: this is my future husband. Oh that's amazing, Like this's

757
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:02,520
Speaker 1: two perfect, it's super I mean, the universe is just two.

758
00:41:02,600 --> 00:41:05,799
Speaker 1: I'm like, this is this, this will be my new reality.

759
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:08,360
Speaker 1: I kind of love it now. It's very funny and quirky.

760
00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:11,000
Speaker 1: I love that. All right, Well, thank you so much.

761
00:41:11,239 --> 00:41:12,920
Speaker 1: I wish that we could talk. I mean, but you

762
00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:17,000
Speaker 1: know time. Thank you for having me, Thanks for everyone listening,

763
00:41:17,080 --> 00:41:20,359
Speaker 1: so grateful. Can people buy the Friendship Deck now? Is it?

764
00:41:20,920 --> 00:41:23,880
Speaker 1: They can buy it on August nineteen, so next Friday.

765
00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:25,960
Speaker 1: So I don't know when this is coming out, but

766
00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:30,040
Speaker 1: it's it's after August nineteenth. Oh great, on August nineteenth. Yeah,

767
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:33,719
Speaker 1: it's perfect. They well to purchase, yes, set your alarms, okay, well,

768
00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:34,160
Speaker 1: thank you