1 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:07,760 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, where we 2 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:12,119 Speaker 1: discuss all things mental health, personal development, and all the 3 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,120 Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible 4 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:19,520 Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford, 5 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:24,680 Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information 6 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:28,960 Speaker 1: and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls 7 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,800 Speaker 1: dot com. And while I hope you love listening to 8 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,159 Speaker 1: and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to 9 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:38,400 Speaker 1: be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental 10 00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:47,360 Speaker 1: health professional. Hey y'all, thanks so much for joining me 11 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,960 Speaker 1: for session forty nine of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. 12 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,440 Speaker 1: If you are a sister in your life has ever 13 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:58,160 Speaker 1: been called an angry black woman, then today's episode is 14 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:02,440 Speaker 1: for you. As our good Cis Solange stated, we got 15 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:05,600 Speaker 1: a lot to be mad about, but of course there 16 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:10,560 Speaker 1: are productive and unproductive ways to manage our anger. Patrese 17 00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:13,800 Speaker 1: in Douglas joins us today to share more about the 18 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:18,320 Speaker 1: productive ways we can process our anger. Patrese is a 19 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:24,080 Speaker 1: licensed marriage and family therapist, certified Anger Management Specialists, an 20 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:29,160 Speaker 1: owner of Empire Counseling and Consultation in California, New York 21 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:34,200 Speaker 1: and Texas. She has a graduate degree in counseling psychology 22 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:38,759 Speaker 1: from cal Baptist University and is currently attending the Chicago 23 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:43,040 Speaker 1: School of Professional Psychology in Los Angeles for a c 24 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:48,919 Speaker 1: i d. In Applied Clinical Psychology. Her specialties are anger management, 25 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:57,840 Speaker 1: minority mental health, men's issues, anxiety and depression. Patrise and 26 00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:01,080 Speaker 1: I discussed where the stereotype of the angry black woman 27 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,200 Speaker 1: came from, how you can tell if you have an 28 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:07,640 Speaker 1: issue with anger, how you can get better at talking 29 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:11,720 Speaker 1: about your emotions before you become angry, and strategies for 30 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:17,480 Speaker 1: using your anger productively. Here's our conversation. Thanks so much 31 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,800 Speaker 1: for joining us today, patres Hey, thank you for having 32 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,680 Speaker 1: me so I'm glad you were able to join us 33 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:25,800 Speaker 1: today to talk about a topic that I think we 34 00:02:25,919 --> 00:02:28,960 Speaker 1: need to have, you know, continue to have some conversation around, 35 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,240 Speaker 1: and that is anger. And so of course when you 36 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:35,600 Speaker 1: talk about anger and black women, the thing that comes 37 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:38,720 Speaker 1: up most often is the stereotype of the angry black woman. 38 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:41,760 Speaker 1: So where do you think this stereotype comes from, and 39 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:46,240 Speaker 1: do you think it's warranted. I think the perspective of 40 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:50,240 Speaker 1: the anger black woman came up when, um, when women 41 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:54,560 Speaker 1: black women specifically are addressing you know, topics. They might 42 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,840 Speaker 1: be more expressive in their body language, you know, their 43 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,560 Speaker 1: hand movements, their voice might raise up a little bit. 44 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:03,160 Speaker 1: We really don't put a filter on how we feel. 45 00:03:03,919 --> 00:03:07,200 Speaker 1: And so I think, you know, other communities take that 46 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:11,040 Speaker 1: as being aggressive and it's not. But at the end 47 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:15,000 Speaker 1: of the day, being that it's eighteen the angry black 48 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:19,440 Speaker 1: woman isn't warranted. Yes, we are constantly battling, you know, 49 00:03:19,639 --> 00:03:24,040 Speaker 1: trying to coexist in a work environment we have, you know, 50 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,639 Speaker 1: even our own community, you know, um, the black men, 51 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:30,320 Speaker 1: they're saying that, you know, we're too bossy, We're to this, 52 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,760 Speaker 1: We're to that. So it seems like everyone is always 53 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,680 Speaker 1: attacking the black woman. And so when we look at 54 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 1: it from an anger perspective, yeah, it frustrates us that 55 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:42,000 Speaker 1: we always have to defend ourselves as black woman. So 56 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:46,160 Speaker 1: is the anger, you know, warranted? Absolutely? In fact, I 57 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:49,240 Speaker 1: actually take power and when people call me an angry 58 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,400 Speaker 1: black woman because I'm like, you know what, I am angry. 59 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:54,760 Speaker 1: I'm angry that you know, you you perceive me as 60 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,720 Speaker 1: this way, you treat me like this. I always have 61 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:58,800 Speaker 1: to defend myself. I always have to be on guard 62 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,440 Speaker 1: and I am in about it, but I use my 63 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 1: anger for good and creative change, very nice for trees. 64 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:07,760 Speaker 1: And yeah, I mean I think you know, we often 65 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,160 Speaker 1: only hear the fact that old black women are so 66 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:13,640 Speaker 1: angry without people are really realizing, like we might have 67 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 1: a lot to be angry about, absolutely a lot to 68 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:20,200 Speaker 1: be angry about. So when black women come and tell me, 69 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:21,680 Speaker 1: you know, I'm so angry, I'm like, you know what, 70 00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:25,200 Speaker 1: everything you're angry about is valid, But instead of using 71 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:28,159 Speaker 1: it negatively, let's figure out way to use it for 72 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,720 Speaker 1: good so that change can occur so that you won't 73 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:34,760 Speaker 1: feel this way all the time, right, right, So, how 74 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:38,560 Speaker 1: would somebody know if they are truly having an issue 75 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:41,520 Speaker 1: managing their anger? I mean, because you know, anger is normal. 76 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,240 Speaker 1: We all get angry at some point. But how would 77 00:04:44,279 --> 00:04:47,200 Speaker 1: somebody know if they really are having an issue managing 78 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:51,680 Speaker 1: their anger? So there are some signs, um one is 79 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:54,200 Speaker 1: being that it's lasting too long. So if you find 80 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,599 Speaker 1: yourself all day, every day in this heightened anger state 81 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:01,000 Speaker 1: where everything that you come across or anything that anyone 82 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,640 Speaker 1: says to you makes you frustrated to the point where 83 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,680 Speaker 1: you want to lash out, maybe you want to curse. 84 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,440 Speaker 1: Maybe you even want to threaten a few people with 85 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:11,520 Speaker 1: you know violence, Um, that is a sign that you 86 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:14,120 Speaker 1: know your anger is out of control. If your boss 87 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,480 Speaker 1: is coming to you and saying, you know, hey, so 88 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:19,320 Speaker 1: and so is saying that you're always having any you know, 89 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:22,480 Speaker 1: these verbal altercations with them you know they feel uncomfortable, 90 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:25,640 Speaker 1: or even your relationship, your partner saying every time I 91 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,039 Speaker 1: have something to tell you, you always wash out at me. 92 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:32,040 Speaker 1: These are signs that you know what your anger is 93 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,039 Speaker 1: kind of getting out of control, and it's time to 94 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,440 Speaker 1: start figuring out what you can do to address it. 95 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:40,719 Speaker 1: And do you have any thoughts about like why some 96 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 1: of them, why some of that happens? You know, like 97 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:45,599 Speaker 1: some of us probably do an okay job managing the anger, 98 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,880 Speaker 1: and then some of us, obviously, like you mentioned, have 99 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:51,400 Speaker 1: issues where it impacts that relationships and impacts work. Do 100 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:54,719 Speaker 1: you have any ideas about why that might be. I think, 101 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:57,400 Speaker 1: specifically in the black community, is that we feel like 102 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,720 Speaker 1: we're strong individuals, so we'll let things pole up, pile up, 103 00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:03,880 Speaker 1: pile up until it can't pile up anymore and explodes. 104 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:08,839 Speaker 1: So what I've learned and observed is that most of 105 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,919 Speaker 1: the time people that you know lash out anger the 106 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,279 Speaker 1: thing that is actually happening in the moment, that's not 107 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:17,719 Speaker 1: where they're lashing out anger. They're just so overwhelmed that 108 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,000 Speaker 1: this was the last straw, and whoever was in the 109 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,480 Speaker 1: room at the time just got all the heat from 110 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:26,720 Speaker 1: everything they've been experiencing over time, Right, Yeah, I mean 111 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,320 Speaker 1: it's just kind of like the straw that broke the 112 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,279 Speaker 1: camel's back, right, and you just happened to be the 113 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:32,960 Speaker 1: one that did it, and so you get the unleeash 114 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,440 Speaker 1: of bomb of this anger. Pretty much like if somebody 115 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,440 Speaker 1: comes home and you've had a long day and all 116 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,839 Speaker 1: you wanted, you know, your baggage chips, and your husband 117 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,960 Speaker 1: ate your baggae chips, You've got to go off. It 118 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,479 Speaker 1: really wasn't about the baggage chips per se. It was 119 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:47,000 Speaker 1: about you know, your boss getting on you, your co 120 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,880 Speaker 1: workers talking behind your back, your kids aren't doing well 121 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:52,400 Speaker 1: in school, your friends are acting up. But the chips 122 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,240 Speaker 1: was the last thing, and so your husband just got 123 00:06:55,279 --> 00:06:59,719 Speaker 1: all the frustration of your whole week based off of chips. 124 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:06,040 Speaker 1: So I often hear that anger is a secondary emotion, right, 125 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:08,560 Speaker 1: that it covers something else. Do you feel like this 126 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,360 Speaker 1: has been true in your experience, and how can we 127 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:17,120 Speaker 1: help to kind of dig into whatever that primary emotion is. Absolutely, Um, 128 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:22,200 Speaker 1: it's a secondary emotion because we are often afraid to 129 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:25,720 Speaker 1: express how we really feel. So when someone gets angry, 130 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:30,520 Speaker 1: it's usually because they were offended. Um, maybe somebody says 131 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:34,400 Speaker 1: something they didn't like, or they're just frustrated. So instead 132 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,400 Speaker 1: of saying, you know, you really hurt my feelings when 133 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,120 Speaker 1: you said that, or I'm really frustrated that I feel 134 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,160 Speaker 1: like you're not understanding me, we lash out and attack 135 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:45,400 Speaker 1: the other person. And that's where the anger looks like 136 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:50,560 Speaker 1: a shield. Like everything else that we're really feeling, sadness, fear, vulnerability, 137 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:53,760 Speaker 1: we're not showing that. So the anger is the front, 138 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,440 Speaker 1: is on the forefront, the front lines, and that's what 139 00:07:56,600 --> 00:08:01,040 Speaker 1: everybody is seeing. I think if we were more acceptable 140 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:04,960 Speaker 1: of accepting other people's feelings and addressing it by not 141 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,160 Speaker 1: calling the weak or sensitive when they really express how 142 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,760 Speaker 1: they feel, I think a lot of our anger could 143 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:14,360 Speaker 1: be in control. Yeah, and I think a lot of times, 144 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:17,800 Speaker 1: you know, because there is this angry black woman's stereotype, 145 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,200 Speaker 1: it feels natural and are almost acceptable for us to 146 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:23,680 Speaker 1: kind of go to the angry place, but it is 147 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,280 Speaker 1: less acceptable, like you mentioned, for us to maybe be 148 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:29,800 Speaker 1: sad or sensitive, so anger feels like, okay, this will 149 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,000 Speaker 1: be more socially acceptable. So this is where I'm going 150 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:35,360 Speaker 1: to start. Absolutely. I mean the model in the black 151 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:38,640 Speaker 1: community is, you know, our ancestors, our grandparents, our parents 152 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,000 Speaker 1: went through way more than we had, Like suck it up, 153 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,959 Speaker 1: handle it, be strong, you gotta do what you gotta do. 154 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,160 Speaker 1: This is how the life is for you know, the 155 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:49,680 Speaker 1: average black person. But that doesn't excuse us from being 156 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,600 Speaker 1: human and having emotions. So we have to be fake 157 00:08:52,679 --> 00:08:55,960 Speaker 1: tough all the time. And I think that's what you know, 158 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,800 Speaker 1: really weakens us and wounds us, is that we can't 159 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,880 Speaker 1: be in touch to say, you know what, I just 160 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,480 Speaker 1: I feel really sad today because of A B and C. 161 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,360 Speaker 1: Or you know what, I feel really frustrated because I 162 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,600 Speaker 1: just feel like giving up. So we we use our 163 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:14,120 Speaker 1: anger of you know, maybe attacking other people's characteristics or 164 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,000 Speaker 1: even saying, you know what, if you don't do this 165 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,679 Speaker 1: and do that, I'm gonna threaten you with a B 166 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:21,000 Speaker 1: and C. Those are just our defense mechanisms to really 167 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:22,959 Speaker 1: just say, like, please help me out, I'm not I'm 168 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,000 Speaker 1: not feeling this and I don't know what to do. 169 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:30,000 Speaker 1: So what are some of the tips and strategies that 170 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,480 Speaker 1: you can offer, you know that maybe you use with 171 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,640 Speaker 1: your clients that may be helpful for other people around 172 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,880 Speaker 1: managing their anger. Well, the first that I always start 173 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:44,160 Speaker 1: with my clients is um educating them on how anger 174 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:47,560 Speaker 1: really occurs, because I don't think we fully understand that 175 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:51,319 Speaker 1: when anger hits our body, it happens within three seconds. 176 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,720 Speaker 1: So within those three seconds, you're not listening to anybody. 177 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,800 Speaker 1: Your body is going hot, You're in attack mode, your 178 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,480 Speaker 1: fight or flight response is activating. So what I always 179 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:04,040 Speaker 1: tell them in the initial response, because you once you 180 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 1: kind of identify what your triggers are as to why 181 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:10,760 Speaker 1: you react the way you do, you can actually um 182 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:14,679 Speaker 1: see it and try to minimize it. So when you 183 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:16,719 Speaker 1: feel angry, I tell them, you know, count to ten, 184 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 1: take some deep breaths, really tune into what the person 185 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,480 Speaker 1: is saying. Because when our anger UM, when our anger 186 00:10:23,559 --> 00:10:25,880 Speaker 1: is alerted, we're not really listening to what the other 187 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,000 Speaker 1: person saying. We're just waiting for their mouths and stop 188 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:31,640 Speaker 1: moving so we can attack that UM. So that is 189 00:10:31,679 --> 00:10:33,880 Speaker 1: the first step that I always educate them on how 190 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:37,320 Speaker 1: you know anger works. They can identify like, hey, this 191 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,600 Speaker 1: happened really fast. I need to slow myself down so 192 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:44,000 Speaker 1: I really understand what's happening so that I can identify 193 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:45,960 Speaker 1: if I want to move forward in this way, so 194 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,480 Speaker 1: you're looking at consequences or maybe I just misunderstood the person, 195 00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:53,319 Speaker 1: so that you can calm yourself down. The other techniques 196 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 1: and things that I use in anger management is tools 197 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:59,120 Speaker 1: on forgiveness. A lot of times our anger is channeled 198 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,560 Speaker 1: towards people out of wrongness, and we have a hard 199 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,480 Speaker 1: time letting it go. So we need to talk about 200 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:07,319 Speaker 1: forgiveness and what forgiveness is. As far as it's more 201 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,040 Speaker 1: of releasing the emotional stress on yourself and not really 202 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,240 Speaker 1: letting the other person get away with it. That's not 203 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:16,720 Speaker 1: the point of forgiveness. Um. I also talk about how 204 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,480 Speaker 1: to deal with other angry people. So if you're around 205 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 1: a bunch of angry people nine times in attend, that's 206 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:23,840 Speaker 1: gonna rub off on you and you're gonna start to 207 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:27,920 Speaker 1: get angry. So learning how to paraphrase and fully understand 208 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:31,240 Speaker 1: what other people are saying and not engaging and you know, 209 00:11:31,679 --> 00:11:35,120 Speaker 1: the big outbursts. UM that helps control your anger as well. 210 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:39,320 Speaker 1: Another big part that we talk about anger management easy 211 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:41,600 Speaker 1: emotional intelligence. And I love that where because it just 212 00:11:41,679 --> 00:11:45,360 Speaker 1: sounds so prestigious, but it's just empathy. We talk about 213 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 1: putting ourselves in someone else's shoes A lot of times. 214 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,520 Speaker 1: When we can put ourselves in someone else's shoes, we 215 00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:53,640 Speaker 1: can kind of understand where they're coming from. That maybe 216 00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:56,320 Speaker 1: they're not coming from a place of hurt or trying 217 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,080 Speaker 1: to hurt us, they're just maybe not fully explaining themselves 218 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,600 Speaker 1: or they're hurt is well, So having those tools can 219 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:06,079 Speaker 1: actually help you understand the other person and not lash 220 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,840 Speaker 1: on anger so quickly. Those are the basics that I 221 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,800 Speaker 1: use for anger management with my clients. So can you 222 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,920 Speaker 1: talk more about the emotional intelligence piece, Like, how do 223 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:22,120 Speaker 1: you go about UM teaching someone that emotional intelligence. The 224 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:26,080 Speaker 1: first thing with emotional intelligence is the active listening skills. 225 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,920 Speaker 1: So you gotta be, you know, listening to that person 226 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:32,319 Speaker 1: and really understanding what they're talking about. Because what happens 227 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:36,319 Speaker 1: is when we're in a confrontation or argument, our ears 228 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,160 Speaker 1: are shut off. We're not really listening to what the 229 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,600 Speaker 1: other person that says. We're actually preparing for what we're 230 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,920 Speaker 1: about to say back to them, so we could be 231 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:48,280 Speaker 1: missing some vital information. So listening to them paraphrasing back 232 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,880 Speaker 1: what they say, so, for example, UM, you can say 233 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:55,080 Speaker 1: so what I hear you saying is is blah blah blah. 234 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:59,120 Speaker 1: It's actually um engaging you in the conversation with them, 235 00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:02,400 Speaker 1: and they even feel supported that you're actually listening to 236 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:07,160 Speaker 1: them and understanding what they're saying and even saying something 237 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,560 Speaker 1: as UM, you know, I can totally see how you 238 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,079 Speaker 1: know you would feel that way, or you know I'm 239 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:15,960 Speaker 1: here to support you. That just creates an environment of 240 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:20,320 Speaker 1: positivity and not the back and forth conflict. So emotional 241 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,720 Speaker 1: intelligence is something that I personally use all the time, 242 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,000 Speaker 1: and I think that helps me to be a more 243 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,040 Speaker 1: effective therapist. But overall, it just keeps me in a 244 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:32,640 Speaker 1: better place in space and in my heart and my 245 00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:36,840 Speaker 1: mind everywhere I go. Because everyone is dealing with something, 246 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:40,800 Speaker 1: Everyone has problems, people handle it a different way. But 247 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,040 Speaker 1: if I can literally imagine myself in someone else's place 248 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:48,960 Speaker 1: in that particular moment, my compassion, you know, heightens up 249 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,319 Speaker 1: to a twenty. I feel really bad for them. I 250 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,120 Speaker 1: want to help them more than hurt them. And I 251 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:58,239 Speaker 1: think that's why emotional intelligence is extremely important in decreasing 252 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,679 Speaker 1: your anger and just being more under standing of people 253 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:06,400 Speaker 1: around you. Yeah, so you know, the strategies that you're offering, 254 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,480 Speaker 1: it seems like work really well. Probably, you know, like 255 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 1: if you can kind of name like what you're angry about, 256 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,640 Speaker 1: or like if it's directed towards a particular person. But 257 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,840 Speaker 1: I'm wondering more about the anger that, as you mentioned 258 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:23,160 Speaker 1: in the beginning, like comes more from things like institutional 259 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:27,119 Speaker 1: racism or um, you know, just kind of continuing oppression 260 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,080 Speaker 1: like that doesn't necessarily have a person attached to it. 261 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:34,480 Speaker 1: So how do you, like suggest managing some of your 262 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:39,160 Speaker 1: anger related to those things. Well, every every party anger 263 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:42,240 Speaker 1: has a trigger. So whether it's someone bringing up you 264 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,880 Speaker 1: know that you're a black woman, or you know, how 265 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,160 Speaker 1: you carry yourself, or even you know, the politics in 266 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,760 Speaker 1: the world, there's a trigger for everything. Do you have 267 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:52,400 Speaker 1: to be mindful and ask yourself, why does this offend 268 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,320 Speaker 1: me so badly? Is it because I feel like it 269 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:59,600 Speaker 1: hits home? Do I feel like, um, maybe they're you know, 270 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,760 Speaker 1: they're attacking my personality. Is it that I'm just so 271 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,960 Speaker 1: overwhelmed with hearing all this negativity all the time, you 272 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:09,480 Speaker 1: really have to identify why does it bother you so much? 273 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,640 Speaker 1: And once you're able to identify why it bothers you 274 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,880 Speaker 1: so much, then you can come up with a plan 275 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,320 Speaker 1: as to how to really work with yourself as to 276 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,880 Speaker 1: not to let it bother you so much, as well 277 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,760 Speaker 1: as what can you do to change it, Because that's 278 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,240 Speaker 1: the question we have to really ask even going into 279 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:29,080 Speaker 1: a conflict with someone or getting angry, is why am 280 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,840 Speaker 1: I so upset about this? In my moody sometimes? I mean, 281 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:36,760 Speaker 1: let's be honest, our our moods changed throughout the month. 282 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:40,400 Speaker 1: When you know our minstrel flow is flowing, we're extra 283 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:43,360 Speaker 1: sensitive or extra moody. So you really have to identify, like, 284 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,800 Speaker 1: why is this making me so upset? If you really 285 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:48,120 Speaker 1: don't have a reason as to why it's making you upset, 286 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:52,440 Speaker 1: then what's all the hoop law about? Why are you? Why? 287 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:56,920 Speaker 1: Why are you so agitated? You really have to identify 288 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,840 Speaker 1: what is the real reason as to why you feel 289 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:01,960 Speaker 1: that way. Once you're able to identify that, then you 290 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,119 Speaker 1: can fool you can kind of understand and and change 291 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,400 Speaker 1: what needs to happen so that you can go back 292 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,760 Speaker 1: to a normal state of just feeling good. And so 293 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,360 Speaker 1: what what about somebody who does have trouble kind of 294 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,840 Speaker 1: getting to the like basis for their anger, because I 295 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,320 Speaker 1: can imagine that could be the case for some people 296 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,960 Speaker 1: that they just really can't, you know, name automatically where 297 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:26,600 Speaker 1: it's coming from. What do you typically do maybe with 298 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:29,320 Speaker 1: clients who have trouble kind of getting to where the 299 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:33,920 Speaker 1: anger is coming from? So we definitely have conversations. I 300 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,920 Speaker 1: asked them about their day. Um, there are some assessment 301 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,440 Speaker 1: tools that I asked, like, you know, what are the 302 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,200 Speaker 1: things that you do when you get angry, whether it's 303 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:45,360 Speaker 1: lashing out, cursing, praying, staying silent. I try to get 304 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:48,800 Speaker 1: to the baseline of the behavior. What happened before you 305 00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:53,000 Speaker 1: got there and when you got there and you got angry? 306 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,720 Speaker 1: What was it that made you angry? Did you feel attacked? 307 00:16:56,840 --> 00:17:00,800 Speaker 1: Did you feel sad? Do you feel embarrassed? Once they're 308 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,600 Speaker 1: able to really say, you know what, I was really 309 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:07,399 Speaker 1: upset because I felt like they weren't understanding me. I 310 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:10,520 Speaker 1: was hurt that they were portraying me to be something 311 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,359 Speaker 1: that I wasn't. That's how we can get in touch 312 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,360 Speaker 1: with that, Okay, so the real emotion was you were hurt? 313 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:19,679 Speaker 1: Why did it hurt you? So once we're able to 314 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:21,679 Speaker 1: break it down, and I mean this takes sessions, Like 315 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,639 Speaker 1: no one comes into anger management the first or second 316 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,879 Speaker 1: session knowing what makes them angry. But it takes time. 317 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,200 Speaker 1: But you need someone to kind of help you unpack 318 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:33,840 Speaker 1: and you know, remove the layers to really see what 319 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,159 Speaker 1: is the real emotions that you're feeling, especially if you 320 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,280 Speaker 1: haven't been in touch with them for almost all your life. 321 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,280 Speaker 1: It's almost like a therapy session. You're really trying to 322 00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:46,520 Speaker 1: learn your emotions. And once you learn your emotions, you're 323 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:50,159 Speaker 1: able to identify what particular things set you on fire. 324 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:54,720 Speaker 1: Got it? So? I know that we often here about 325 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:59,000 Speaker 1: like anger management um as like a mandated kind of thing, right, 326 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:02,959 Speaker 1: So people typically go to anger management kinds of programs 327 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,840 Speaker 1: because they've been required to do so by some outside party, 328 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,240 Speaker 1: whether that be like a law enforcement kind of thing 329 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:10,680 Speaker 1: or a partner who said you need to go get 330 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:14,080 Speaker 1: some anger management kind of classes. So I'm wondering if 331 00:18:14,119 --> 00:18:17,000 Speaker 1: you have any tips for like, you know, like what 332 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:19,480 Speaker 1: kinds of things do you do with clients who would 333 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:23,280 Speaker 1: likely rather be anywhere else? Well, you know that's funny 334 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:28,000 Speaker 1: because I would say probably of my practice is court 335 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,800 Speaker 1: mandated and the other part is, you know, voluntary. They 336 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:33,400 Speaker 1: came on their own. UM. What I think helps them 337 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,840 Speaker 1: stay connected is that majority of the people that I 338 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:40,639 Speaker 1: see are on individual basis. I think sometimes UM people 339 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,840 Speaker 1: get a little fearful about being in a group and 340 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:44,960 Speaker 1: being around a bunch of angry people because that's the 341 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:48,400 Speaker 1: stereotype that everybody that's angry is hitting people, or they're 342 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,000 Speaker 1: so outrageous that now they have to come to anger management, 343 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,720 Speaker 1: which may not necessarily be the case. So I've learned 344 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:58,360 Speaker 1: that doing individual sessions on a one on one basis 345 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,720 Speaker 1: really getting a full idea of who they are and 346 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:05,320 Speaker 1: accepting who they are and letting them know that, hey, 347 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,639 Speaker 1: I think you came to anger management because you wanted 348 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:10,760 Speaker 1: to stop being angry. Well, that's not why you're here. 349 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,080 Speaker 1: I'm here to channel your anger for good, use it 350 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:15,600 Speaker 1: for good and not for bad. I think that keeps 351 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,520 Speaker 1: them engaged in wanting to be in the room. Because 352 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:20,640 Speaker 1: I have clients that you know, have to come for 353 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:24,320 Speaker 1: fifty two weeks a whole year, and they're there every week. 354 00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:26,880 Speaker 1: I have yet to have a client that keeps bailing 355 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:31,639 Speaker 1: on me. They truly enjoy anger management. So I really 356 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:35,320 Speaker 1: don't know what I do to engage people that don't 357 00:19:35,359 --> 00:19:37,920 Speaker 1: want to be there because I don't have anybody. I 358 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:40,040 Speaker 1: don't want to be there. But they did have to 359 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,600 Speaker 1: come because they were forced. But after they get in 360 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,760 Speaker 1: the room, they're like, you know what, I needed to 361 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,480 Speaker 1: be here. As much as I want to say I 362 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:49,520 Speaker 1: am an angry person, I am angry person, and I'm 363 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:53,480 Speaker 1: glad that I'm here. So it actually works out. Yeah, 364 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:58,359 Speaker 1: And I wonder, um, if individual sessions, do you know, 365 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:01,080 Speaker 1: like maybe are more effective then group because if you're 366 00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:05,280 Speaker 1: already struggling with, like the predominant emotion that you're using 367 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:08,800 Speaker 1: is anger because you are fearful of appearing week in 368 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,040 Speaker 1: front of other people, then when you're in a group 369 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,359 Speaker 1: and you have to share maybe some of those emotions 370 00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:16,080 Speaker 1: that are really driving your anger, you might be likely 371 00:20:16,119 --> 00:20:19,000 Speaker 1: to want to participate, whereas an individual with just you, 372 00:20:19,359 --> 00:20:21,320 Speaker 1: it may feel a little more comfortable to share some 373 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:25,040 Speaker 1: of those things that are really underneath the anger. Absolutely 374 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,480 Speaker 1: because here you are, you know, you gotta either come 375 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,800 Speaker 1: here because you want to and you're in the room 376 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:32,520 Speaker 1: with ten people or you're forced to come and everybody 377 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:34,560 Speaker 1: in the room has an anger problem and nobody wants 378 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,159 Speaker 1: to talk about it because they don't want to be 379 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:39,560 Speaker 1: looked at as a negative person versus you know, coming 380 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,760 Speaker 1: into an individual session and literally you feel like you're 381 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:46,160 Speaker 1: in a safe environment to really express how you express yourself. 382 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,840 Speaker 1: I think that group works a If you know you're 383 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,240 Speaker 1: on a really strict budget and you can't afford individual 384 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:56,280 Speaker 1: sessions all the time, that might be, you know, the 385 00:20:56,359 --> 00:20:59,240 Speaker 1: gateway to how you can get help. Another way is 386 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,879 Speaker 1: maybe you've done some individual sessions and you kind of 387 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:06,159 Speaker 1: need that that refresher course or that like aftercare where 388 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:08,680 Speaker 1: you got all your sessions, but you're still struggle a 389 00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:10,560 Speaker 1: little bits. You kind of need some support of some 390 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,080 Speaker 1: people that know what you're going through. So you're in 391 00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:15,280 Speaker 1: the group and you're able to you know, talk about 392 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,400 Speaker 1: it and get some perspective from other people. I think 393 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:23,119 Speaker 1: that's when group is most effective. Got it? So, what 394 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:27,000 Speaker 1: are some of your favorite resources related to anger management? Pictures? 395 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:35,360 Speaker 1: My favorite resources, Well, there is a curriculum that I use. 396 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,679 Speaker 1: It's called What's Good About Anger? And what I like 397 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,119 Speaker 1: about it is that the author and creator of the 398 00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:45,720 Speaker 1: curriculum is a Christian, so she often uses UM scriptures 399 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:48,840 Speaker 1: in her curriculum. And there's also like a little book 400 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:50,880 Speaker 1: that you can take with you just to kind of 401 00:21:51,119 --> 00:21:53,440 Speaker 1: refresh your memory about what we talked about and just 402 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:56,800 Speaker 1: kind of coach you UM through the different parts of 403 00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:59,920 Speaker 1: anger management. So so what's good about anger resource book 404 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:04,160 Speaker 1: is really helpful. UM. There's a lot of resources through 405 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:08,600 Speaker 1: the National Anger Management Association, which I'm credential through. That's 406 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,960 Speaker 1: where my certification is. They have a lot of articles, 407 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,399 Speaker 1: they have a lot of UM quick five, you know, 408 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:18,840 Speaker 1: step techniques to you know, de escalate, breathing techniques, UM 409 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:20,960 Speaker 1: that you can use. Those are pretty much my go 410 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:25,600 Speaker 1: to for anger And honestly, just this is gonna sound 411 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,679 Speaker 1: really we're but a lot of resources that I like 412 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:32,440 Speaker 1: to use for anger management is reality TV. So Love 413 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:34,879 Speaker 1: and hip hop is like my number one resource to 414 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,399 Speaker 1: go to for anger because I think a lot of 415 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:42,520 Speaker 1: people can identify UM with how they react and how 416 00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,879 Speaker 1: they can get in trouble. I US, I love to 417 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:48,199 Speaker 1: use Love and Hip Hop for an example of what 418 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:51,320 Speaker 1: can happen if you don't get it together. You can 419 00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:54,920 Speaker 1: have this image of people thinking that you know, you're 420 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:58,760 Speaker 1: this pop off queen, or you know, you can lose friends, 421 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:01,119 Speaker 1: you can lose endorsement, you can use a lot of things. 422 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:04,159 Speaker 1: So I actually use reality TV as good examples for 423 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:07,639 Speaker 1: how your anger can get you in trouble. Yeah, and 424 00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,160 Speaker 1: I think you know, of course, as much as there 425 00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:13,160 Speaker 1: is a debate between like how scripted versus unscripted those 426 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:16,360 Speaker 1: things are, I do think that if it's somebody who 427 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:19,159 Speaker 1: like watches the show faithfully, they have enough of a 428 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,560 Speaker 1: backstory that you would be able to probably talk through 429 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,560 Speaker 1: in session about Okay, what kinds of choices could they 430 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:27,199 Speaker 1: have made differently in this session, in this situation so 431 00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:29,359 Speaker 1: that it didn't result in like a fight or something 432 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:36,399 Speaker 1: like that. Absolutely, Especially UM the men for UM for 433 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: Mary to Medicine, I use them a lot because they 434 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:42,080 Speaker 1: can kind of identify for when their wife or something 435 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:46,080 Speaker 1: might you know, have that loud, getting your face type 436 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:47,760 Speaker 1: of moment and how they feel or how they want 437 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:50,480 Speaker 1: to stand back, and what they do when you know, 438 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,720 Speaker 1: they try to avoid a conflict and their wife just 439 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:55,000 Speaker 1: she ain't having it. She really want to just address 440 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,680 Speaker 1: it now. I use Married to Medicine a lot for 441 00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:00,840 Speaker 1: my male clients because they can totally identify I with 442 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:02,880 Speaker 1: the men and you know, being quiet and not really 443 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:04,720 Speaker 1: wanted to say anything, but they want to put it 444 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:08,200 Speaker 1: into some things. So I definitely think that reality TV, 445 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:12,040 Speaker 1: scripted or not, is a really good base for a 446 00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:16,000 Speaker 1: your management, also for the millennials, because even I noticed 447 00:24:16,119 --> 00:24:18,200 Speaker 1: when I was watching you know, LEVI and hip hop 448 00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:20,800 Speaker 1: and all these shows religiously, you know, when I was 449 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:23,920 Speaker 1: a little younger, I started talking like them, like, oh, 450 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,280 Speaker 1: I need to have a conversation with this person or 451 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:28,240 Speaker 1: you know, this and this and that, And my mom 452 00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:31,040 Speaker 1: looked at me like, that's you know, don't get caught 453 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:33,560 Speaker 1: up in that reality stuff. That's not how life really works. 454 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:38,080 Speaker 1: So sometimes our anger and how we we handle things 455 00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:41,159 Speaker 1: actually stems from what we've learned off TV, which is 456 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:44,199 Speaker 1: not the greatest thing. So being able to use it 457 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:48,000 Speaker 1: and identify, you know, how it's rubbing off on my 458 00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:50,600 Speaker 1: clients is really helpful to so I can help them 459 00:24:51,119 --> 00:24:54,440 Speaker 1: navigate themselves back to the right things to do. Are 460 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,920 Speaker 1: there any other shows that you really like, UM to 461 00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:00,080 Speaker 1: use in cases like this? So we got love in 462 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:09,200 Speaker 1: hip Hop, We have definitely Housewives of Atlanta Married to Medicine, UM. 463 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,000 Speaker 1: You know, even it doesn't even have to be a 464 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,800 Speaker 1: black show. Like I even use, um, what is it, 465 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,720 Speaker 1: vander Pump Rules just about to say that would be 466 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:21,480 Speaker 1: a perfect one. I use them, um, definitely, because I 467 00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:24,919 Speaker 1: think that's the difference in kind of you know, the 468 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,680 Speaker 1: difference between babe what they say, like white anger looks 469 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:31,000 Speaker 1: like versus black anger looks like. UM, So, I definitely 470 00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:35,760 Speaker 1: use vander Pump Rules. UM. I've even used The Real 471 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:39,159 Speaker 1: Housewives in New York. I used all of them, you know, 472 00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:41,200 Speaker 1: and I write about them a lot too. I've even 473 00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:46,320 Speaker 1: used um litha weapon UM that comes on Fox. UM, 474 00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:48,600 Speaker 1: I use them, I use I can use any show 475 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:51,800 Speaker 1: and pretty much highlight anger management. But VH one and 476 00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:56,720 Speaker 1: Bravo like, that's my that's my haven of resources. Yeah. 477 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:58,840 Speaker 1: They give you plenty of material to work with, right 478 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:04,840 Speaker 1: they do. So are there any um new programs, are 479 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:07,480 Speaker 1: exciting things coming out of your practice that you want 480 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:11,720 Speaker 1: to share more information about? UM? So there are there 481 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:14,040 Speaker 1: have been a few things that have been going on. UM. 482 00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:16,639 Speaker 1: Last week I took my licensing exams, so I am 483 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:20,560 Speaker 1: officially licensed in the state of California. UM So, my 484 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:24,560 Speaker 1: practice was mainly on stress management and anger management. But 485 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:28,040 Speaker 1: it will be focusing more into the anger management and 486 00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:32,359 Speaker 1: mental health pieces because they definitely do go hand in hand. UM. 487 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:37,000 Speaker 1: In January, I launched my same practice, Empire Counseling and Consultation, 488 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:40,520 Speaker 1: in New York, so I do offer anger management on 489 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:45,240 Speaker 1: an online basis for anyone in New York. UM. In April, 490 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:50,360 Speaker 1: I will be launching Empire in Texas, so anyone in California, 491 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:54,360 Speaker 1: Texas or New York can actually reach out to me 492 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:57,160 Speaker 1: through an online platform and I can actually give them 493 00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:00,480 Speaker 1: anger management, whether it's voluntary or you need it for 494 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:08,320 Speaker 1: court perfect anything else. I think that's pretty much it. UM. 495 00:27:08,359 --> 00:27:12,119 Speaker 1: I am in the process of UM creating some more 496 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:16,200 Speaker 1: online tools for anger management for people of color. It's 497 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:18,960 Speaker 1: not really ideal to have a program where you just 498 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:20,960 Speaker 1: sit in front of a computer and kind of listen 499 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,439 Speaker 1: to me talk and it's like a recording or you know, 500 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:27,000 Speaker 1: you're reading online, you're really not grasping the knowledge versus 501 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:30,600 Speaker 1: like a live conversation. So I am creating an online 502 00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:33,160 Speaker 1: anger management group where you can just click in through 503 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:36,720 Speaker 1: your computer and you can have a conversation within a group, 504 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:40,080 Speaker 1: and it is specifically tailored to black people. UM because 505 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:42,240 Speaker 1: I think a lot of the curriculums that are using 506 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,959 Speaker 1: anger management, especially even mine, is not geared towards um 507 00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:49,120 Speaker 1: our people. So I have to change the verbiage. So 508 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:52,640 Speaker 1: it's so we can, I guess, better understand ourselves because 509 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:54,280 Speaker 1: a lot of the things that are in the anger 510 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:56,840 Speaker 1: management book that we do, they would consider it as 511 00:27:56,840 --> 00:28:01,840 Speaker 1: being like severely angry. Pretty everyone that I assess for 512 00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,159 Speaker 1: my curriculum is severely angry, and I know that's not 513 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:07,440 Speaker 1: the case, so I often have to modify things. So 514 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:12,359 Speaker 1: having you know, more minority based anger management groups and 515 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:16,119 Speaker 1: classes UM I think would be more beneficial in us 516 00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:19,440 Speaker 1: understanding how to channel our anger for good. So those 517 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:22,080 Speaker 1: are things that I am working on, you know, And 518 00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:24,000 Speaker 1: you just brought up a good point for ture, he said, 519 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,159 Speaker 1: I don't know that I had thought about, um, like 520 00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:30,320 Speaker 1: the importance of like having people of color actually be 521 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:33,640 Speaker 1: the ones who are running the anger management programs, because 522 00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:36,320 Speaker 1: you know, if it were somebody else who didn't maybe 523 00:28:36,359 --> 00:28:40,440 Speaker 1: understand cultural pieces or the nuance related to maybe people 524 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:43,480 Speaker 1: of color being in therapy and anger management and they 525 00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:47,600 Speaker 1: are scoring as significantly angry or severely angry, if that's 526 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,800 Speaker 1: what the words you use then that can have a 527 00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:52,280 Speaker 1: whole whole st of ramifications, right like, especially if it's 528 00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:54,760 Speaker 1: a court ordered kind of thing, um, and then it 529 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:57,600 Speaker 1: looks like maybe they're not making progress when really there 530 00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:01,320 Speaker 1: are some cultural pieces that are being missed. Absolutely. I 531 00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:04,240 Speaker 1: mean the first thing, you know, and most anger management 532 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:08,600 Speaker 1: curriculums are raising your voice. Okay, yeah, but when black people, 533 00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:11,240 Speaker 1: even me, when I get excited, like my voice get tired, 534 00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:13,400 Speaker 1: that doesn't mean I'm mad at you or that I'm 535 00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:16,560 Speaker 1: trying to overpower you. I'm just really passionately excited about 536 00:29:16,560 --> 00:29:19,720 Speaker 1: what's happening. So even just that in itself, just saying 537 00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:21,920 Speaker 1: that that's a bad trait of anger, I'm like, not 538 00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:26,280 Speaker 1: necessarily for black people. That can go either way. So 539 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:29,800 Speaker 1: I think, you know, being mindful and really understanding where 540 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:32,320 Speaker 1: we come from as a people and what it looks 541 00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:34,680 Speaker 1: like to be, you know, at our normal state versus 542 00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:38,600 Speaker 1: our heightened state is very important, and most curriculums don't 543 00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:42,680 Speaker 1: offer you know, that variance, even for Hispanic communities the 544 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:46,040 Speaker 1: same thing. So I think that's why my practice is 545 00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:50,600 Speaker 1: predominantly UM African American and Hispanic because I'm able to 546 00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:52,960 Speaker 1: kind of take the shame out of how they responded 547 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:56,040 Speaker 1: things and just you know, rewired a different way. I 548 00:29:56,080 --> 00:29:59,280 Speaker 1: think that's why, um, people enjoy coming to me because 549 00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:01,880 Speaker 1: I don't come from a shameful place. I fully understand 550 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:04,160 Speaker 1: where they're coming from because I deal with it every 551 00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:07,440 Speaker 1: day is myself as well. Yeah, So are there some 552 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:10,520 Speaker 1: other things that you've noticed like that? Um, like some 553 00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:13,520 Speaker 1: cultural pieces that come up in the curriculum, like like 554 00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:16,000 Speaker 1: you mentioned the raising the voice. Are there other like 555 00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:22,320 Speaker 1: examples you've noticed walking away? Um? Well, I mean they 556 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:24,120 Speaker 1: teach an anger manage all the time. You know, if 557 00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:27,280 Speaker 1: you ain't feeling it, walk away, But there's a there's 558 00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:30,680 Speaker 1: a method to walking away. Um. I think the walking 559 00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:34,080 Speaker 1: away and still saying stuff under your breath are still talking. 560 00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:38,440 Speaker 1: They equate that as to being a negative, which it 561 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:41,320 Speaker 1: could be. But if we're just walking away, like can 562 00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:43,680 Speaker 1: we just walk away? I think even that stance that 563 00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:46,640 Speaker 1: you're making decision to walk away from a conversation that's 564 00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:50,120 Speaker 1: making upset even though you're still talking as you're walking away, 565 00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:52,440 Speaker 1: I still think that's a plus in our book, but 566 00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:54,840 Speaker 1: in their book, it's still a negative. So I mean 567 00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:58,960 Speaker 1: it's just really understanding how we just really communicate with 568 00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,960 Speaker 1: one another, and like it goes back to the angry 569 00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:06,160 Speaker 1: black woman. I think the curriculums have a perception of 570 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:09,520 Speaker 1: how black people handle themselves, so everything that we do 571 00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:12,600 Speaker 1: is considered negative almost, so I have to go and 572 00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:16,000 Speaker 1: rewrite what we're about to talk about that you don't 573 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,239 Speaker 1: feel that way. Yeah, so you might as well come 574 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:21,880 Speaker 1: up with your own curriculum, like you mentioned pretty much. 575 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:27,520 Speaker 1: So where can we find you online? Picture? So, what's 576 00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:30,240 Speaker 1: your website in any social media handles that you'd like 577 00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:33,360 Speaker 1: to share? Well, you can't find me on Therapy for 578 00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:37,240 Speaker 1: Black Girls. Um, I do have a website. UM, if 579 00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:40,960 Speaker 1: you want to look at my personal website, it's www 580 00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:44,600 Speaker 1: dot patrese in Douglas dot com. If you want to 581 00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:47,760 Speaker 1: look at the services that I offer, UM, that's Empire 582 00:31:47,880 --> 00:31:51,960 Speaker 1: Counseling dot net. You can find me on Instagram at 583 00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:55,840 Speaker 1: the Patrese Nicole. You can find me on Facebook, UM 584 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:59,760 Speaker 1: at patrese in Douglas. Twitter is the same name, so 585 00:31:59,880 --> 00:32:02,360 Speaker 1: I'm everywhere. You can always shoot me an email as well. 586 00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:04,080 Speaker 1: If you go to my website, you can shoot me 587 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:07,800 Speaker 1: email or you can d in me on Instagram. I'm 588 00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:10,680 Speaker 1: pretty accessible and willing to talk to anyone that has 589 00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:14,520 Speaker 1: any questions or comments about anger or anything else mental 590 00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:18,920 Speaker 1: health related. Perfect, Thank you so much for trees. Thank 591 00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:25,760 Speaker 1: you for having me so you know, I can't wait 592 00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:28,120 Speaker 1: to hear what y'all thought about all of the incredible 593 00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:31,720 Speaker 1: information that Patres shared in this episode. Make sure to 594 00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:34,880 Speaker 1: check out all the resources that she mentioned at Therapy 595 00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:39,160 Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com slash Session forty nine. Please 596 00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:41,760 Speaker 1: share your thoughts with us on social media by using 597 00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:45,840 Speaker 1: the hashtag tv G in session, and make sure you 598 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:48,960 Speaker 1: tag our accounts. You can find us on Twitter at 599 00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:52,760 Speaker 1: Therapy for the Number four be Girls, and you can 600 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:56,680 Speaker 1: find us on Instagram and Facebook at Therapy for Black Girls. 601 00:32:57,680 --> 00:32:59,760 Speaker 1: If you want a place to chat about the episode 602 00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:03,160 Speaker 1: with other listeners are to discuss topics that are relevant 603 00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:06,280 Speaker 1: to you, join us over in the tribe. You can 604 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:09,040 Speaker 1: find it at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash 605 00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:12,400 Speaker 1: tribe and please note that there are a few questions 606 00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:15,280 Speaker 1: that you have to answer before you're accepted into the community, 607 00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:19,160 Speaker 1: so make sure that you don't miss that step. If 608 00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:22,000 Speaker 1: you're looking for a therapist in your area, be sure 609 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:25,000 Speaker 1: to check out the therapist directory at Therapy for Black 610 00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:29,640 Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash directory and please continue to show 611 00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:32,600 Speaker 1: your love for the podcast by sharing it in your 612 00:33:32,640 --> 00:33:36,680 Speaker 1: Instant stories on Twitter and by texting it to your 613 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:39,600 Speaker 1: friends who also need to check it out. If you 614 00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:43,800 Speaker 1: listen on Apple Podcasts, please also consider leaving us a review. 615 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:47,880 Speaker 1: Thanks again so much for joining me this week, and 616 00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:50,800 Speaker 1: I'm looking forward to continue in this conversation with you 617 00:33:50,840 --> 00:34:13,400 Speaker 1: all real soon. Take get care doctor I doctor doctor 618 00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:28,560 Speaker 1: doctor doctor I doctor