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Speaker 1: Today, I fked up by finding the love of my life.

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Speaker 1: And when she went in for the kiss, I gave

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Speaker 1: her a firm hadgick. OKAYOPI this is okay. Ope, I'm

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Speaker 1: same about her and I'm John Fry and John, what

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Speaker 1: is like the worst case of you ever? Like misinterpreting

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Speaker 1: signals from interested women? Oh man, your lady suitors.

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Speaker 2: Lady suitors. I remember when I was in like seventh

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Speaker 2: grade or so, there was a girl Nadia.

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Speaker 1: Shout out to Nadia Nadia, you know.

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Speaker 2: I was like, Hey, I'm about it, and so I

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Speaker 2: asked her out and then she said yes. I was like,

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Speaker 2: oh great, this is so great. And then she came

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Speaker 2: back a day later and she's like, hey, I'm so sorry.

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Speaker 2: I only said yes out of pity and I don't.

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Speaker 1: Be in a relationship out of kitty.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Like she didn't phrase it exactly like that, but

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Speaker 2: it's essentially essentially what she.

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Speaker 1: I was like, Oh god, what do you even say

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Speaker 1: to that.

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Speaker 2: I tried to convince her. I'm like, no, it's okay,

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Speaker 2: Like we could give it a shot, you know, like

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Speaker 2: for you're a twelve year old boy, you're just like,

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Speaker 2: oh my gosh, Like if I have the slimmest shot

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Speaker 2: at this, like, pretty girl, let me just let me

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Speaker 2: just go all the way. In hindsight, it is like, bro,

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Speaker 2: how are you going to convince someone who just said

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Speaker 2: she got with you out of pity?

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Speaker 1: Oh?

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Speaker 2: And man?

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Speaker 1: Oh sad? Well, well, I have a story that I

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Speaker 1: think is even worse than that.

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Speaker 2: Okay, let's see it today.

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Speaker 1: I a fked up by finding the love of my life,

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Speaker 1: and when she went in for the kiss, I gave

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Speaker 1: her a firm handshick.

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Speaker 2: What you're doing business with you?

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Speaker 1: Some backstory. I met this girl when I was taking

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Speaker 1: a few summer courses to complete my remaining credits for

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Speaker 1: my bachelor's degree. Oh, how ironic the name is. I

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Speaker 1: assume op is a big boy bachelor, big bachelor. I

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Speaker 1: was drawn to her right away because she has an exotic,

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Speaker 1: slavic sounding name. For the sake of anonymity, we'll call

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Speaker 1: her she was radiant. She was beautiful, silent and distant,

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Speaker 1: like the northern lights flowing in the sky. And like

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Speaker 1: most people who aren't used to seeing the northern lights,

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Speaker 1: I'd often catch myself just staring at her like an idiot.

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Speaker 1: I was lost in thought. I guess the only different

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Speaker 1: is that the Northern lights don't get weirded out when

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Speaker 1: you stare at them for extended periods with your mouth

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Speaker 1: hanging open like a lombotomy. Patience, Oh, that was one

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Speaker 1: of my first mistakes.

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Speaker 2: This guy is quite a way of describing things.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, this man's literally drooling over this lady. Anyways,

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Speaker 1: I'd say nary a word, just Fetlana, but wanted to

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Speaker 1: find a way to get to know her outside of class,

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Speaker 1: where it was a bit less unwieldy to start up

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Speaker 1: a conversation versus. Hey, tectonic shifted pretty sweet eye, you

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Speaker 1: like the red hot chili peppers. So I had a

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Speaker 1: stroke of genius, or so I thought. I would invite

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Speaker 1: my entire class, which is pretty small, maybe twenty people,

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Speaker 1: to go to the movies, with the hopes that she

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Speaker 1: would go too. And it worked. Hey, his dastardly plan worked.

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Speaker 1: She signed up on the Facebook group I created for

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Speaker 1: the event. I know, I'm practically Rico suave when it

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Speaker 1: comes to putting on the moves. It was settled, she

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Speaker 1: and I and about ten people from our class were

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Speaker 1: going to see a horror movie on Saturday. Perfect.

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Speaker 2: The plan commence f up number one.

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Speaker 1: We get the movies. Everyone's dancing awkwardly around the Oh hey,

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Speaker 1: now we're outside of class. We're being forced to interact

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Speaker 1: at a non academic level situation myself included. We sit

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Speaker 1: down in the seats near the back of the theater,

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Speaker 1: and I make sure I sit right beside my love

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Speaker 1: mir Setlana. I wasn't planning on anything particularly nefarious, but

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Speaker 1: I figured it'd be a fun way to break the

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Speaker 1: ice if I waited for a scary part and then

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Speaker 1: grabbed her knee to scare the pajeevas out of her,

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Speaker 1: which I imagined would produce a hilarious shriek followed by

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Speaker 1: startling laughter and then long talks about our future life

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Speaker 1: together as husband and wife.

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Speaker 2: Yeah that doesn't sound like the best plane ever.

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Speaker 1: What do you mean that's perfectly exactly hour will happen?

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Speaker 1: So there I sat, hand poised inconspicuously by my side,

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Speaker 1: ready to pounce. Sure q f up number one. The

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Speaker 1: scary part It happened when a sidecarrow turk got hit

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Speaker 1: by a monster, and it startled me so badly that

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Speaker 1: I tensed up and punched her in the opping really

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Speaker 1: freaking hard, like hard enough that she crumpled forward and

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Speaker 1: almost hit her head on the seat in front of her.

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Speaker 1: Stop great ice freaker, pal show her, you're unpredictably violent,

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Speaker 1: particularly when startled. I apologize profusely and Sitlana assured me

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Speaker 1: that she was okay, but I knew I'd given her

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Speaker 1: a macho man Randy Savage Charlie Horace, and I felt

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Speaker 1: especially dirty. I spent the rest of the movie wishing

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Speaker 1: I was dead. F up number two. We left the

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Speaker 1: movie standing outside the same group of classmates who didn't

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Speaker 1: really know each other any better after having sat silently

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Speaker 1: through a horror movie. That's the thing about horror movies, dude,

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Speaker 1: Like movies in general, you don't really get to know

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Speaker 1: the person you're with.

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Speaker 2: You don't at all.

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Speaker 1: Terrible first date, but not terrible, but a little bit

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Speaker 1: do you want to get to know them?

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Speaker 2: A little bit terrible?

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Speaker 1: A little bit terrible. We dance awkwardly around the How

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Speaker 1: do I say goodbye to a group of people that

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Speaker 1: I don't really know? Situation myself included.

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Speaker 2: Do they really not know each other?

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Speaker 1: Like? Yeah, they just want to like in class then,

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Speaker 1: and I guess you know they're not really talking. Maybe

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Speaker 1: it's like a college class, you know, all right, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: fit Lana said she'd be taking the bu home, and

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Speaker 1: it turns out I was taking the same bus.

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Speaker 2: Oh.

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Speaker 1: We hadn't really talked since I smashed her leg like

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Speaker 1: the effing hole, so I figured this could be my

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Speaker 1: chance to try to smooth things over all. Right, We

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Speaker 1: both get on the bus and I try to sit

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Speaker 1: beside it casually, is plausible, and then I say something

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Speaker 1: pretty stupid and vacuous, like, hey, so the movie pretty scary?

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Speaker 1: Uh so bad?

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Speaker 2: So bad?

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Speaker 1: I know. But she entertained my stupid and vacuous question,

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Speaker 1: and we actually ended up having a really nice talk.

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Speaker 1: She was into music, I was into music. She liked hiking.

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Speaker 1: I liked hiking, that sort of thing that.

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Speaker 2: Sounds like, oh you watched The Office too.

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Speaker 1: Wow, we're both so cultured and unique. We meant to be.

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Speaker 1: We got to her stop and I said, this is

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Speaker 1: actually only a few blocks from my place. You want

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Speaker 1: me to walk you home? Nervous that I might be

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Speaker 1: imposing too much, but she responded with, wow, really, no

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Speaker 1: one has ever asked to walk me home before. That's

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Speaker 1: so sweet, Nail there, she still have a chance of

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Speaker 1: salvaging this q fup number two. So I walk up

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Speaker 1: to her house, and the whole way we're talking about life, passion,

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Speaker 1: the universe at large. We get to her house and

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Speaker 1: the night is perfect. It's warm, quiet, gentle summer breeze

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Speaker 1: through the oak trees, soft glow from distant street lights.

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Speaker 1: She says, well, this is my place, and we stand

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Speaker 1: there looking at each other. She is rocking back and

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Speaker 1: forth from her heels to her toes, looking at me,

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Speaker 1: almost expectantly the look, and then she moves in a

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Speaker 1: bit closer. She starts to lean forward, and I shake

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Speaker 1: her hand. Oh why shake her effing in ladies and gentlemen.

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Speaker 1: Her eyes opened and her face contorted ever so slightly

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Speaker 1: into a scowl of disgust, and I say.

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Speaker 2: Boy, I had a great knife Fishlana.

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Speaker 1: Stop or something equally stupid, and I turn around and

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Speaker 1: literally run away, like I said Rico Swave, folks. I

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Speaker 1: spent the rest of the run home wishing I was dead.

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Speaker 1: Boy f up number three, the big one. Our departure

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Speaker 1: had been awkward enough by my fault alone that I

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Speaker 1: basically couldn't bear to talk to Setlana after that. About

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Speaker 1: two weeks later, she hosted in the same Facebook group.

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Speaker 1: Not a bad idea after all, advertising that she'd be

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Speaker 1: hosting a barbecue at her place in celebration of us

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Speaker 1: finishing our course. Heye, perfect, I can prove once and

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Speaker 1: for all that I'm not such a bumbling idiot. I

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Speaker 1: was so nervous all day. My palms were sweaty, my

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Speaker 1: arms weak, mom spaghetti, and I couldn't eat anything. I

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Speaker 1: put on my most stylish clothes and showed up, trying

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Speaker 1: to see him. Extra cool and aloof back to the

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Speaker 1: story right right away. This guy's having social anxiety. The

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Speaker 1: place was loaded with like sixty people of whom I knew,

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Speaker 1: maybe four, including Spetlana. A few hours in, people started

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Speaker 1: playing beer pong. Perfect I thought, I don't drink regularly,

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Speaker 1: but I'd spent the last year playing ping pong every day.

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Speaker 1: I'm that cool. So I knew the weight and flight

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Speaker 1: trajectory dynamics of a ping pong ball, and I figured

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Speaker 1: I would seize this opportunity to really impress her that Lona.

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Speaker 1: I shouted, let's play beer pong, same team to what

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Speaker 1: she looked uncomfortable but eventually said, sure, I guess, and

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Speaker 1: she walked over to the table with me perfect and

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Speaker 1: just as I suspected, I single handedly dominated the first

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Speaker 1: game against two strangers, and I didn't even lose a

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Speaker 1: single cup. Oh. However, because I don't drink, I never

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Speaker 1: played beer pong, and I don't know the rules, I

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Speaker 1: thought the game was sort of prefunctory and the main

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Speaker 1: purpose was to drink. So in a doubly stupid move,

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Speaker 1: I said, don't worry, Spetlana. I've got this, and I

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Speaker 1: down all it cups of booze. Turns out it wasn't beer,

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Speaker 1: it was shots of a hard liquor. But now I

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Speaker 1: didn't care. I was riding the euphoric athletes high from

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Speaker 1: my demanding victory of throwing a ping pong ball across

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Speaker 1: the table.

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Speaker 2: These guys' words are physically painful.

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Speaker 1: I know who else wants to get their ass kicked,

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Speaker 1: I said across the room. Spelana was starting to warm

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Speaker 1: up a bit and quietly chuckled. Two more people stepped

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Speaker 1: out in quick order. I dominated that game too, and

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Speaker 1: lost only one cup ooh. After the game was Fitlana

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Speaker 1: saw me reaching for the cup and grabbed my arm,

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Speaker 1: but I said, don't worry. Sptlana, I got this and

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Speaker 1: down all of my cups again. No. I could hear

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Speaker 1: people snickering and speaking under their breath, but I ignored it.

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Speaker 1: Come on, who else wants a piece of maid that's

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Speaker 1: face of this spicy may ball? I had taunted, feeling

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Speaker 1: ten feet tall and bulletproof. No, no, no, you should

200
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Speaker 1: just sit down for a bit, warns Fitlana. Oh hell no,

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Speaker 1: you and me are going right to the top. I said, Oh,

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Speaker 1: I just think you should take a break for who

203
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Speaker 1: watch dog gets storm? I interrupted. Two of our strangers

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Speaker 1: stepped up, and I narrowly won the third game, not

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Speaker 1: quite as smoothly or impressively, but I won. Before she

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Speaker 1: could stopped me, I downed all of her cups again.

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Speaker 1: She looked a bit amused and a bit concerned, but

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Speaker 1: not as uncomfortable as she had ten minutes ago. And

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Speaker 1: then right in front center of my head, I started

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Speaker 1: to feel warm fuzzies. Hide and seek, someone shouted from

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Speaker 1: the living room. At this point, running on twenty four cups,

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Speaker 1: which must have equal twelve to sixteen shots of hard

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Speaker 1: liquor on an empty stomach, hide and seek sounded like

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Speaker 1: a great idea. Oh God, with sixty people in a

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Speaker 1: one story house. Whatever. Someone flicks off the lights and

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Speaker 1: we all start running around like crazy people. It's fit.

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Speaker 1: Lana and I met abruptly at one of the door

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Speaker 1: to one of the rooms. We hear the dude, who

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Speaker 1: is it approaching, So we duck into the room, which

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Speaker 1: was painfully bare, and we were about to get caught

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Speaker 1: Setlana grabs me of the sleeves and pulls me in

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Speaker 1: the closet at the side of the room. And there

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Speaker 1: we sat with a full moon beaming through the window

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Speaker 1: and through the shutters in the closet door, and the

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Speaker 1: soft hum of bare naked ladies playing on the stereo

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Speaker 1: in the living room, the gentle pitcher patter of footsteps,

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Speaker 1: and the ambient giggling of hide and seekers outside. It

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Speaker 1: was perfect. She looked at me, I looked at her.

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Speaker 1: She leaned forward. I leaned forward, and we kissed. It

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Speaker 1: was a beautiful kiss. I leaned back, my heart a

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Speaker 1: flutter and say, Sveetlana, I just want you to know

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Speaker 1: I think you're no and I puke. I puke right

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Speaker 1: into Svetlana's slightly open mouth. I puke into her effing

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Speaker 1: face and into her mouth. I puke so hard, in fact,

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Speaker 1: that I almost pass out, face down into her laundry bin.

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Speaker 2: No.

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Speaker 1: When I braced myself to catch my balance, I look

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Speaker 1: at her and I am now tumbling down the metaphorical

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Speaker 1: water well of complete, unrecoverable intoxication. And I make a

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Speaker 1: drunken observation, Ha, Selana, your shirt sweat, just why? And

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Speaker 1: then I realized what I'd done. I realized it's my

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Speaker 1: fuke all over her shirt and face and closet. I

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Speaker 1: basically knocked the closet doors off the hinges and stumble

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Speaker 1: into her room and scream, someone needs to take me

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Speaker 1: home right now. At least that's what I tried to scream.

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Speaker 1: I got out someone needs to and the I puke

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Speaker 1: again hard alliver spent Lana's bed, quilt, pillows, a night table. Oh,

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Speaker 1: the shit was coming out of my mouth like it

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Speaker 1: was a fire hose, and I was trying to save

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Speaker 1: City Hall. And then darkness. That's where my memory stops.

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Speaker 1: I woke up the next day, face down in my room,

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Speaker 1: completely naked, with my door wide open. When I stumbled

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Speaker 1: into the living room, feeling like someone had taken a

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Speaker 1: crap inside my skull, I saw my clothes everywhere. My

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Speaker 1: roommates later told me that someone had driven me home

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Speaker 1: at about three am and I was slamming on our

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Speaker 1: front door with my shirt pulled over my head, shouting

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Speaker 1: incoherently and basically only vowel sounds, and spent Lana's name,

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Speaker 1: And when they opened the door, I ripped off all

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Speaker 1: my clothes and hurled them around the house like a

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Speaker 1: Tasmanian devil. Pants were on the fridge, shirt was in

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Speaker 1: the stove, socks were in the sink, and one shoe

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Speaker 1: was in the garbage and the other shoe was never

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Speaker 1: accounted for. Spetlana, if you're reading this, I'm so sorry

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Speaker 1: things never worked out. And for puking in your mouth

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Speaker 1: and for punching you in the like.

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Speaker 2: Maybe one of the most painful, cringey stories we've ever heard.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, this is one for the bucks.

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Speaker 2: This is absolutely one for the books, and just all

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Speaker 2: of his ideas, like even starting with the like oh Ill,

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Speaker 2: like grabber leg and scare her, like who does that?

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Speaker 1: No one? No one does that. You shouldn't throw that,

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Speaker 1: but you know we should always do. Oh.

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Speaker 2: Subscribe to Okopie, follow us on Spotify, Subscribe on YouTube.

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Speaker 1: Follow us on beg doc and you want to be

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Speaker 1: a real one. Support us on Patrion.

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Speaker 2: That's right, Join the family, Joey Sander Casey's Aphorius to

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Speaker 2: Vna Mohammed, Amanda Will Desire, Keegan and Kathy Quigley.

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Speaker 1: See us soon.