Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 3: Some people marry for love, some people marry for stability,
Speaker 3: and some people never marry at all.
Speaker 4: Well, I'm the first bachelor to run for president and
Speaker 4: like forever you know, I'm not married. The last time
Speaker 4: I checked, there was nothing in the Constitution or at
Speaker 4: the White House said single people need not apply.
Speaker 3: Yes, how could a person marry when he's hopelessly devoted
Speaker 3: to the greatest love of his life? Political power. This
Speaker 3: is the Daily showography of Lindsay Graham, married to the Game.
Speaker 3: Lindsay Olin Graham grew up in the tiny town of
Speaker 3: central South Carolina. His parents owned a restaurant that was
Speaker 3: also a pool hall that was also a bar, and
Speaker 3: a liquor store that was also the home they lived in.
Speaker 3: It could basically be whatever people wanted it to be,
Speaker 3: the perfect environment for raising a politician. At the age
Speaker 3: of nine, Lindsay started working at the family bar. One
Speaker 3: of his jobs taking phone calls from concerned wives looking
Speaker 3: for their drunk husbands. It taught him a valuable lesson
Speaker 3: that it's ok to lie if you're protecting the interests
Speaker 3: of powerful men. Young Lindsay also saw firsthand the ugly
Speaker 3: reality of segregation in the South, and that his parents
Speaker 3: bar participated in it.
Speaker 4: When I was a kid, African Americans would come in
Speaker 4: and buy the beer to go, and I remember asking
Speaker 4: my parents, swan was it and they said, that's just
Speaker 4: the way it is.
Speaker 3: That was another lesson. When you see injustice anywhere, at
Speaker 3: any time, you can just say whatever and move along.
Speaker 3: Then in his teenage years, like most boys his age,
Speaker 3: Lindsey developed strange new urges in uncontrollable lust for political power.
Speaker 3: Chrissmeates remember him saying, I want to be governor and
Speaker 3: also let me out of this logger. After becoming the
Speaker 3: first in his family to graduate college, Graham joined the
Speaker 3: Armed Forces, where he would serve six and a half
Speaker 3: years in the Air Force as a lawyer. In a
Speaker 3: lot of ways, Graham charted a path similar to American
Speaker 3: icon Tom Cruise bartender lawyer, member of the Air Force,
Speaker 3: but as a lawyer and all with the grace and
Speaker 3: style of a Southern vampire, and of course he's secretly
Speaker 3: very short. During his time in the Air Force, Graham
Speaker 3: fell into a love affair with a Luftonza flight attendant
Speaker 3: named Sylvia, but sadly it was not to be.
Speaker 4: That was probably the best time in my life. But
Speaker 4: you know, at the end of the day, everybody's got
Speaker 4: a story. A lot of people have had it worse
Speaker 4: than I have. But check it out at Lindsay Graham
Speaker 4: dot com.
Speaker 3: It's true what they say about heartbreak. You can check
Speaker 3: it out at Lindsay Graham dot com. And although breakups
Speaker 3: are never easy, it gave Graham the opportunity to rekindle
Speaker 3: his passion with an old flame ambition. In nineteen ninety four,
Speaker 3: Graham was elected to the US House of Representatives, and
Speaker 3: like most relationships, his early years with Congress were absolutely
Speaker 3: consumed with sex, specifically the sex life of Bill Clinton.
Speaker 5: I'm having to judge Bill Clinton based on evidence, and
Speaker 5: much of it is about sex. The definition of sex
Speaker 5: colored by sex, sex, sex, sexual relations, sex, sex, sex,
Speaker 5: sexual sex, sex sex. This is not all about sex
Speaker 5: oral sex.
Speaker 3: Lindsay Graham was horny for justice. No adulterous president was
Speaker 3: going to lie and abuse their power on his watch,
Speaker 3: at least for another few years. The fledgling Graham made
Speaker 3: a name for himself prosecuting the impeachment of President Clinton,
Speaker 3: and after eight hot and heavy years in the House.
Speaker 3: He was finally ready to settle down for a long
Speaker 3: term commitment with the US Senate, and no wedding would
Speaker 3: be complete without the best man. Graham and Senator John
Speaker 3: McCain were the best of friends, united by their shared
Speaker 3: love of fiscal conservatism, straight talk, and a desire to
Speaker 3: bomb the Middle East back to the Stone Age.
Speaker 6: I believe those who are calling for witholdraw had the
Speaker 6: obligation to tell us what we do in the region
Speaker 6: when it descends into chaos. As my friend Lindsay Graham
Speaker 6: just said.
Speaker 4: Well, I think Senator McCain nailed it all.
Speaker 3: They went searching for WMDs, but they found their bff.
Speaker 3: With Iraq solved permanently. Graham and his political spouse were
Speaker 3: finally ready to co aescend to the most powerful office
Speaker 3: in the land, but when they were foiled by an
Speaker 3: even more radical Hussain, Graham became despondent. He knew that
Speaker 3: he would treat power so much better than that cad Obama,
Speaker 3: so he made his move.
Speaker 4: I'm Lindsay Graham, and I'm running for President of the
Speaker 4: United States.
Speaker 3: Yes, Lindsay Graham was single and ready to mingle with voters.
Speaker 3: He turned the White House into his bachelor pad.
Speaker 4: First thing, I'm gonna go this president, We're gonna drink more.
Speaker 3: And the media was fascinated with his roguish lifestyle. So
Speaker 3: it's date Mary or make disappear forever, Hillary Clinton, Carly
Speaker 3: Fiorina or Sarah Perrin.
Speaker 4: Who are you marrying Carly? Because he's rich?
Speaker 3: Hell yeah, Leah, secure that bag. Graham's goal was in sight.
Speaker 3: His marriage to the game was thriving. But if there's
Speaker 3: one man who knows how to ruin a marriage, it's
Speaker 3: Donald Trump.
Speaker 6: This guy, Lindsey Grahm, you have a guy. He's one
Speaker 6: of the dumbest human beings I've ever seen. The guy
Speaker 6: is a nutjob. I could push him over with a
Speaker 6: little thimble boom. He called me four years ago, three
Speaker 6: four years ago, and he gave me his number, and
Speaker 6: I found the card.
Speaker 2: I wrote the number down.
Speaker 6: I don't know if it's the right number. Let's try it.
Speaker 6: Two O two two two eight O two nine two.
Speaker 3: That's right.
Speaker 7: Trump.
Speaker 3: He hated Graham so much he did something he never does,
Speaker 3: give out factual information. Graham's president hopes were demolished watching
Speaker 3: his beloved walk away with a much richer and more
Speaker 3: famous man. He had only one option left to warn
Speaker 3: the nation about the dysfunctional relationship it was about to
Speaker 3: get itself into.
Speaker 4: He's a race baby, xenophobic, religious big Donald Trump is
Speaker 4: a political car.
Speaker 1: Rep He's a jackass.
Speaker 4: You know how you make America great again? Tell Donald
Speaker 4: Trump to go to Hill. I think he's a kook.
Speaker 4: I think he's crazy. I think he's unfit for office.
Speaker 3: Yes, Graham saw that Donald Trump was as unfit for
Speaker 3: office as he was for a book club, a dance off,
Speaker 3: an obstacle course, tennis shortz, or literally anything he did
Speaker 3: in his life. Graham did everything he could to stop
Speaker 3: the wedding between Donald Trump and America. But if he
Speaker 3: couldn't ultimately succeed the goddamn it, he would give up
Speaker 3: harder than anyone had ever given up before.
Speaker 4: President Trump deserves the Nobel Peace Prize and then some.
Speaker 4: What concerns me about the American press is this endless,
Speaker 4: endlessen attempt to label the guy as some kind of
Speaker 4: kook not fit to be president.
Speaker 8: No.
Speaker 4: I don't think he's a xenophobic, race beating.
Speaker 7: Religious biggest.
Speaker 4: I really really like the President and he's been a
Speaker 4: great commander in Chief. I am all in.
Speaker 1: Keep it up.
Speaker 4: Donald, I'm sure you're watching. If you don't like me
Speaker 4: working with President Trump to make the world a better place,
Speaker 4: I don't give a shit.
Speaker 3: Graham's political instincts had kicked in. If staying in the
Speaker 3: game at joining a grifter personality call, well, that was
Speaker 3: just another thing he'd have in common with Tom Cruise.
Speaker 3: Why did Lindsey Graham align himself so tightly with Donald Trump?
Speaker 3: Because he's Lindsay Graham. That's what he does.
Speaker 4: I know how the game's played, and I don't give
Speaker 4: a dam.
Speaker 3: Yes, Graham wasn't off the Trump train. It was more
Speaker 3: like one of those tourist buses that you can get
Speaker 3: off and then get back on whenever it's convenient for you,
Speaker 3: which is why. The one thing we know is that
Speaker 3: whenever the future holds, Lindsey Graham will be there, always
Speaker 3: doing the most politically expedient thing to serve himself. He's
Speaker 3: married to the game.
Speaker 4: Life is what it is, you know. I can't answer
Speaker 4: all the mysteries of life, but I feel good about
Speaker 4: Lindsey Graham.
Speaker 9: My guest tonight's is the Senator, a senior Senator from
Speaker 9: South Carolina. Please welcome, Senator Lindsey Graham. Oh oh, Senator
Speaker 9: Lindsay Graham, thank you for being here.
Speaker 4: Good as it gets. Wait, which is kind of sad.
Speaker 9: Really wait, what's as good as it gainst you or
Speaker 9: the show? What are you saying?
Speaker 1: What's what the song?
Speaker 9: Is that just a phrase you say?
Speaker 4: No, this is just something that's an observation more than
Speaker 4: anything else.
Speaker 9: How you doing, I'm doing great. Thank you very much
Speaker 9: for being on the show.
Speaker 1: Thanks.
Speaker 7: Let's let's get straight into it. Let's cut to the chase.
Speaker 9: Let's cut to the Yes, you have officially endorsed Ted Cruz.
Speaker 4: I'm on the Ted train. Absolutely, It's not gonna like.
Speaker 9: Okay, which is a very interesting train for you to
Speaker 9: be aboard.
Speaker 4: Well, I started with seventeen cars, I'm down to three.
Speaker 9: Well you actually you actually one of the cars, which
Speaker 9: is last day you you were an empty car and
Speaker 9: then you got on the train.
Speaker 1: It's to happen got away by this.
Speaker 9: This is why this is so interesting to have you here,
Speaker 9: because if we can play this.
Speaker 4: If you killed Ted Cruise on the floor of the
Speaker 4: Senate and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could
Speaker 4: convict you.
Speaker 7: It's safe.
Speaker 9: It's safe to say that you are slash word slash
Speaker 9: are not a fan of Ted Cruz.
Speaker 4: It tells you everything you need to know about Donald Trump.
Speaker 9: But I don't undert I don't understand this. You you
Speaker 9: really really like you don't like Ted Cruz.
Speaker 4: I don't dislike Ted. Ted and I have a lot
Speaker 4: of differences. I'm getting better at this, so, uh.
Speaker 1: You know what?
Speaker 2: I know?
Speaker 1: You guys are like a buddy choice.
Speaker 4: What can I say?
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 4: He's not completely crazy?
Speaker 2: Good?
Speaker 9: Uh, he's crazy partially crazy.
Speaker 4: Hey, that works in Washington.
Speaker 9: You got Bernie Uh, okay, okay crazy.
Speaker 7: Yeah, that's a take.
Speaker 9: What else is a take for him?
Speaker 7: What terms you on about Cruise?
Speaker 1: Uh?
Speaker 10: That he's not Trump, that's all, And that he's a
Speaker 10: Republican who will not we will not get completely killed.
Speaker 4: And if Donald Trump cares the better of my party,
Speaker 4: I think it taints conservatism for generations to come. I
Speaker 4: think his campaign is opportunistic, race based, religious figutory xenophobia.
Speaker 4: Other than that, he'd be a good nominee.
Speaker 9: Here's a question I have for you, though, here's a
Speaker 9: quesson I have so and we're about to lose.
Speaker 4: He's the finest woman in America.
Speaker 11: Here's the thing.
Speaker 7: Here's the thing.
Speaker 9: If you say, if you say Donald Trump is not
Speaker 9: a Republican, why does it seem like the Republican base
Speaker 9: fits him like a glove.
Speaker 7: What's going on? Do the voters not know that this
Speaker 7: or have you maybe given them the impression that maybe
Speaker 7: this is a party that supports is in the forty
Speaker 7: five signy and all of those things you listen to.
Speaker 7: Is that possible, It's possible.
Speaker 4: That sound good. Absolutely, thirty five percent of my party
Speaker 4: believes that Obama's a Muslim born in Kenya. He's locked
Speaker 4: that crowd down. Now, sixty five percent of let's just
Speaker 4: think he's a bad president.
Speaker 9: Oh, there was a joke there, But then you guys were.
Speaker 7: Not on his side at all.
Speaker 9: You guys were not I get I don't get paid
Speaker 9: you should. You should have done it the other way around,
Speaker 9: because it maybe I hear what you're saying, So you're
Speaker 9: not on that tray. So you're saying so you're saying no, no,
Speaker 9: but you're saying I understand that. You're saying that there
Speaker 9: are some people in the party who do not have
Speaker 9: correct views. Am I a citizen?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 7: No, I'm not.
Speaker 1: I'm not Why have a green card.
Speaker 4: I do not you, I'd be in a hurry.
Speaker 2: Is that you worried about? What?
Speaker 11: Why would you say that.
Speaker 4: Trump wins days?
Speaker 1: Their numbers?
Speaker 2: Now you know what I love young?
Speaker 4: You have black liberal guys from Africa is not gonna
Speaker 4: work with him.
Speaker 7: You have you have the look of terror in your eyes.
Speaker 7: If you were sitting close up.
Speaker 9: This is fascinating because you're literally like, we're all going
Speaker 9: to die.
Speaker 10: We're all gonna die, We're all gonna die.
Speaker 7: You're like, you know what you look like right now?
Speaker 11: Have you ever seen those movies where there's.
Speaker 9: Like one guy then you just got like a shotgun
Speaker 9: and he's.
Speaker 7: Running down the street.
Speaker 9: He's like, the end's there. It's funny you say okay,
Speaker 9: you say then that you say Ted Cruise, You say
Speaker 9: Ted Cruise over Donald Trump.
Speaker 11: But then here's here's another clip.
Speaker 7: And this is interesting to me.
Speaker 4: Perverb John Case, here's no chance win.
Speaker 9: Let's play this clip.
Speaker 4: Skins like being shot or poison What does it really matter?
Speaker 10: Lindsey Graham.
Speaker 2: I don't understand.
Speaker 9: I don't understand if it is like being okay. First
Speaker 9: of all, who is shooting and who's poisoning?
Speaker 7: Between Trump and.
Speaker 4: Who's well, Donald is like being shot in the head. Okay,
Speaker 4: you might find an anadote to poisoning. I don't know,
Speaker 4: but maybe there's time.
Speaker 7: But is I don't understand.
Speaker 9: Are you saying wait? Are you saying my.
Speaker 4: Part is completely screwed up?
Speaker 7: But then why would you why would you eliminate?
Speaker 2: Why would you anyone?
Speaker 11: Then?
Speaker 7: I don't understand that. Then why why nominate anyone? Why not?
Speaker 7: Why not? Why don't go behind King?
Speaker 4: We wouldn't nominate anybody, would start all over again. But
Speaker 4: you know this is a it's called democracy. Welcome to America.
Speaker 4: I feel I'm gonna change my body. Vote face Graham,
Speaker 4: that that helps?
Speaker 7: Did you call yourself?
Speaker 9: Vote mac, vote based, Lindsey Grahmat everybody, thank you so much.
Speaker 7: It has been four days since the presidential election was
Speaker 7: called for Joe Biden, but Donald Trump has still not conceded,
Speaker 7: which I get. I mean, he wants to cling onto
Speaker 7: power as long as he can. And also, golfing isn't
Speaker 7: as much fun when you're not missing work to do it.
Speaker 7: And if it was just Trump's personal delusion that he
Speaker 7: won the election, it might not matter so much. But
Speaker 7: he's got a lot of people who are right there
Speaker 7: with him.
Speaker 1: Falling in line. Key Republicans get behind President Trump and
Speaker 1: his claims. Without evidence of widespread voter fraud.
Speaker 6: The president has every right to look into allegations and
Speaker 6: to request recounts under the law.
Speaker 5: I'm going to stand with the President Trump.
Speaker 4: If a Democrat were doing this, it'd be cheered on.
Speaker 5: And we're not going to let the media intimidate.
Speaker 8: US Secretary of State Mike POMPEII just told reporters that
Speaker 8: he basically does not trust the election results either.
Speaker 11: There will be a smooth transition to a second Trump administration.
Speaker 1: Overnight, Attorney General William Barr in a Justice Department memo
Speaker 1: authorizing US attorneys to pursue substantial allegations of voting irregularities
Speaker 1: if they find them.
Speaker 2: All Megafans rejoice because Bill Barr is on the case. Yes,
Speaker 2: the same Bill Barr who investigated Obama and found nothing,
Speaker 2: with the same Department of Justice that investigated Hillary and
Speaker 2: found nothing.
Speaker 7: So if you looking to find nothing, you know the
Speaker 7: man to call. Oh and it looks like Mitch McConnell
Speaker 7: and Lindsey Graham are also partnering with Trump to undermine
Speaker 7: the election, which is a terrible idea, but I would
Speaker 7: love to see these three together in a heist movie. Okay, guys,
Speaker 7: you steal the votes and then I'll meet you at
Speaker 7: the Four Seasons Parking elect which four Seasons mar here
Speaker 7: we go again. Now, look, I don't know if Donald
Speaker 7: Trump genuinely believes that he's the real winner of this election.
Speaker 7: I mean, keep in mind, he's also the person who
Speaker 7: actually thinks he looks good like he does his hand
Speaker 7: in the morning and walks away from the murror thinking, yeah,
Speaker 7: I nailed it. So who knows what he thinks. But
Speaker 7: the truth of the matter is, most other Republicans know
Speaker 7: that Joe Biden will be the next president's and right
Speaker 7: now they're just saying what Trump and his base wants
Speaker 7: to hear. Not because they're worried about the vote that
Speaker 7: just happened, but because of the one that's around the corner.
Speaker 12: Lindsey Graham this morning fessed up as to one reason
Speaker 12: why they're standing behind him. They've got two Senate elections
Speaker 12: and special elections that will occur in January. If Democrats
Speaker 12: win both, they will gain control of the Senate under
Speaker 12: the new president. Lindsey Graham said, if we don't scrutinize
Speaker 12: these election results. We could hurt our chances of riling
Speaker 12: up our base and turning them out in January.
Speaker 8: They're concerned that if they get sideways with the President,
Speaker 8: either he won't help in Georgia with these two seats
Speaker 8: at stake, or Trump voters will be depressed and stay home.
Speaker 8: So again, they're playing this dangerous giin and keep people energized.
Speaker 7: Oh yeah, that's dangerous. Trump is screaming made up shit,
Speaker 7: that's weakening trust in American democracy. But Republicans are going
Speaker 7: along with it so that they can squeeze out a
Speaker 7: few more seats in the Senate. It's like burning down
Speaker 7: your house just to make s'mores, or dating seven Federline
Speaker 7: just so you can maybe meet Britney Spears. Is it
Speaker 7: worth it?
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Speaker 2: Yew