Speaker 1: Hey, it's me Michael Costa. The Daily Show is on
Speaker 1: break for the holidays, but in the meantime we put
Speaker 1: together some special highlights for you. Well back in the
Speaker 1: new year on January seventh, with all new episodes.
Speaker 2: All right, welcome to our focused group of undecided voters.
Speaker 2: Thank you for coming to our marketing research offices. I
Speaker 2: want to stress that there is nobody masturbating behind this
Speaker 2: two way mirror, no matter what you hear.
Speaker 3: So as undecided, let's go.
Speaker 4: Around the room. Tell us your name and what your
Speaker 4: problem is.
Speaker 5: We've never had worse choices. In my opinion, I.
Speaker 6: Don't like either candidates, same as other people said, I'm
Speaker 6: not really crazy about either candidates.
Speaker 2: Okay, I see some of you feel you need more
Speaker 2: information about the candidates, and I get it.
Speaker 3: We know so little about.
Speaker 2: Trump and Biden apart from their campaign issues, their actions
Speaker 2: as president, their handling of the global pandemic, their criminal indictments,
Speaker 2: whom they've showered with at a very detailed description of
Speaker 2: Trump's penis.
Speaker 4: From a former porn star.
Speaker 3: But we still don't know.
Speaker 4: Okay, if you're leaning towards Biden, please raise your hand.
Speaker 4: If you're leaning towards Biden. If you're leaning toward Trump,
Speaker 4: raise your hand. Okay, raise it at the forty five
Speaker 4: degree angle. Please, little straighter, don't pend the elbow.
Speaker 3: That's good.
Speaker 4: It's a Hitler joke, you see, because you support a fascist.
Speaker 3: We're having fun. Okay, raise your hand.
Speaker 4: If you feel like voters are easily manipulated. Who doesn't
Speaker 4: think so? Okay? Now lower your hand.
Speaker 3: Okay, Now raise them again. Okay, now lower them again.
Speaker 3: Raise them up one more time.
Speaker 2: Raise both hands. Now lower one Now, everyone say I
Speaker 2: cannot be manipulated. Which candidate would you have a beer with?
Speaker 2: Which candidate would you go to a baseball game with.
Speaker 5: Trump?
Speaker 2: Which candidate would you let each sugar cubes out of
Speaker 2: your hand?
Speaker 3: Why?
Speaker 2: More gummy, less likely to bite you? Which candidate would
Speaker 2: you want to be behind in a human centipede? And
Speaker 2: keep in mind, no matter what you answer, we will
Speaker 2: all think you're disgusting.
Speaker 3: Okay, this is tough, guys.
Speaker 2: I mean I sense you find yourselves undecided about a
Speaker 2: lot of things.
Speaker 3: My problem is sure which one's going to die first? Thomas?
Speaker 2: I just have to ask, why are you struggling with
Speaker 2: this decision when you had no problem deciding to leave
Speaker 2: the barber shop with those sidebolts. Seriously, It's like my
Speaker 2: mom always used to say, shit or get off the lawn.
Speaker 2: It's your civic duty.
Speaker 4: Would you agree with that?
Speaker 3: Yes? I agree with what is your gut telling you?
Speaker 2: I mean, other than seatbelts do not come in my size.
Speaker 5: I can't trust Biden or Trump?
Speaker 3: Okay, I bet you.
Speaker 2: I like RFK RFK Junior interesting also known as the
Speaker 2: evidence that the kendidates.
Speaker 3: For each other.
Speaker 2: Okay, maybe this will help you, guys, decide between the candidates.
Speaker 2: Here are two sandwiches, all right, One is old and
Speaker 2: moldy and the other has chlamydia. Raise your hand if
Speaker 2: you're eating the sandwich on its deathbed, or raise your
Speaker 2: left hand if you want the sandwich that we have
Speaker 2: on tape using the N word.
Speaker 3: Okay, they're having their first debate. Do you hope the.
Speaker 2: Moderators will ask Trump and Bind the really tough questions
Speaker 2: like do you know where you are? And can you
Speaker 2: breathe on this mirror?
Speaker 3: They're probably gonna call out each other on stuff.
Speaker 2: Both sides are constantly saying this is the end of democracy.
Speaker 2: Both sides agree, So maybe instead of worrying about all
Speaker 2: this voting stuff. We should just decide on an escape plan.
Speaker 2: Does anyone have a bunker? Thomas?
Speaker 3: You look like you already live underground? Will the other
Speaker 3: more people mind if we crash? It was time to
Speaker 3: switch tactics.
Speaker 2: Perhaps if they practiced making any kind of decision, it
Speaker 2: would prepare them for November. You've all been given cheesecake
Speaker 2: factory menus to share. Now take a look at them
Speaker 2: and make a choice. You can do this calm a.
Speaker 5: Lot of answers, hunches. I know what I usually get.
Speaker 5: Ask if I calmer, American Chief, I usually get on chickens.
Speaker 3: All right, you know what? Forget it? Forget it. I
Speaker 3: knew that wouldn't work at this stage. There was only
Speaker 3: one option left.
Speaker 4: Look, you guys have barely given me anything, so I'm
Speaker 4: just gonna tell you who you're voting for.
Speaker 3: Daryl, you're going to.
Speaker 2: Miss election day because there weren't any reminders on porn hub. Pauline,
Speaker 2: you want a safer, brighter future for your children, so
Speaker 2: you're gonna move to Ukraine. Thomas, I think you should
Speaker 2: just stay home. This is a big, one, very important election.
Speaker 2: We need you to sit it out and mark whatever
Speaker 2: you decide. I recommend you listen to your heart, or
Speaker 2: at least let a medical professional listen to you.
Speaker 3: Thank you all for being here. We've learned a lot.
Speaker 2: We'll see you in four years when you can't decide
Speaker 2: between voting for AOC or Kyle Rittenhouse. Welcome to the
Speaker 2: twenty twenty four vice presidential debate, the debate between one
Speaker 2: man who thinks Trump is a mentally.
Speaker 4: Ill fascist psychopath and Tim Wattz. It's a great battle
Speaker 4: between Jdvans and what he'd looked like after four years
Speaker 4: as Trump's vice president. Tonight marks the third debate of
Speaker 4: this election that Joe Biden will sleep through. And as
Speaker 4: you can see, the atmosphere in the spin room.
Speaker 3: Is electric.
Speaker 4: Yet everyone the debate is just about to start. And
Speaker 4: here in the spin room there's a palpable dead silence
Speaker 4: that one can only compare to the sound Millennia makes
Speaker 4: when Donald Trump is inside her.
Speaker 1: So there's an application called the CVP one app where
Speaker 1: you can go on as an illegal.
Speaker 4: Miss why the candidates have been quite civil and respectful
Speaker 4: to each other?
Speaker 3: Yes more all, Hey you doing? What do you think?
Speaker 5: So hard?
Speaker 3: It's very substantive substance. I know, so I want to
Speaker 3: turn to the show about the Menendez broom. Those guys
Speaker 3: have much more chemist too.
Speaker 7: For all of us here at CBS News, thank you,
Speaker 7: and good night.
Speaker 3: A lot of people are reacting to the debate. Rachel
Speaker 3: Maddow said it was a slam dunk for.
Speaker 4: The Democrats, but Mark Robinson said the video was so
Speaker 4: boring he couldn't even finish.
Speaker 3: I'm here with Illinois Governor JB. Pritzker.
Speaker 4: Everyone loves Tim Walls, right, He's so cute with his
Speaker 4: round face.
Speaker 3: He's like a cabbage patch of dough. On the one hand,
Speaker 3: a guy who's got real heart.
Speaker 8: On the other side, you've got a guy who's, frankly,
Speaker 8: we're concerned might be eating.
Speaker 3: A dog chark, And so I'm worried about you.
Speaker 4: You think you know what I was concerned about you.
Speaker 4: I have to be honest for a.
Speaker 3: Second night, he looked I was a chocolate declaire. I
Speaker 3: swear to what I says. Tampon, Tim did?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 3: I remember he did in the boys room in the bathroom.
Speaker 3: Why did he do? Here's what really doesn't make no sense.
Speaker 4: If he's okay with putting tampons in a bathroom, what's
Speaker 4: his big problem? With installing a couple of douchebags in
Speaker 4: the White House problems is legendary Seneca and former astronaut
Speaker 4: Mark Kelly as a former astronaut, do you have any
Speaker 4: plans to reveal the name of JD Vance's whole planet?
Speaker 1: You know that stuff's classified if he just doesn't try
Speaker 1: to get caught up in how big the moment?
Speaker 3: It's a big moment. Something's funny over here. I smelled
Speaker 3: pills and cocaine. There we go and waiting to talk
Speaker 3: to him.
Speaker 4: Great Senator Katie Britt, whose post State of the Union
Speaker 4: speech last January is now considered a Halloween holiday classic.
Speaker 3: Don how do you feel about JD Vance?
Speaker 4: Is it hard to see your dad ignoring someone besides you?
Speaker 3: I guess none of these Republican spin bitches are going
Speaker 3: to talk to a.
Speaker 4: Liberal Daily Show dog, But I do know who they
Speaker 4: would talk to.
Speaker 3: Get all around the Holkster's here? Who wants some spins
Speaker 3: from the Holkster?
Speaker 8: What you're gonna do when JD's mascara one's wild brother?
Speaker 3: What you're gonna do when I ask for a lift home?
Speaker 5: Brother?
Speaker 3: How about some bus fair?
Speaker 5: Brother?
Speaker 3: The Holster needs bus fair?
Speaker 8: Who's that behind me. Is that a Democrat? Oh yeah,
Speaker 8: Jasmine Crockett.
Speaker 3: She's going down and protect them and they don't brother.
Speaker 3: You're lucky. I don't throw a punch at you right now.
Speaker 3: That missus your don't have a The Holkster's here to
Speaker 3: spin the debate for you. I've met Halkokan. You're not
Speaker 3: haulcoman to me, Jake Tapper.
Speaker 8: I didn't spend my career beating up immigrants to let
Speaker 8: that Kamala take over you. People gotta understand. I know
Speaker 8: Kamala back when she was Kamala the you gunned and giant.
Speaker 3: Triumph triumph going off. I'm not tryumph. I'm Van Jolin
Speaker 3: tier Oh van jols hi Van, I'm here to spend
Speaker 3: Oh it was Jacob. What result name? You're weeping?
Speaker 4: What with two men coming together with the inside their differences.
Speaker 3: And focusing on the issues. I can't, I can't hold
Speaker 3: it together. It was Jake. That's not that is not
Speaker 3: how he cries. Who's got question from me? Mom days?
Speaker 3: Little memo?
Speaker 5: That's me?
Speaker 3: I for the mema. Djdvents. Oh, hi Jake, it's my
Speaker 3: ma mem me mo, but it's spelled my mo.
Speaker 4: Sorry, did you make these You Jewish people don't know
Speaker 4: how it's spelled.
Speaker 3: It's okay, I don't you what makes you think of
Speaker 3: h things? Aren't that bad? Jake?
Speaker 8: You don't have to deny it, my boy, My little
Speaker 8: JD is the American dream.
Speaker 4: He started out in rural Ohio, and now all the
Speaker 4: people he grew up with can turn on the TV
Speaker 4: and say, there's.
Speaker 2: The old town boy who's gonna cut off my medicaid.
Speaker 6: Oments there that I think Waltz sort of let slide
Speaker 6: and allowed dance to triumph.
Speaker 5: You can come over here, Triumph.
Speaker 3: You want to come, We're live on CNN.
Speaker 4: My boy, this is a triumph.
Speaker 3: This is triumphy insult comic. So I don't know that
Speaker 3: you're Mike. I might and you're stuck with me. We're
Speaker 3: not gonna make fun of you Advance's grandmother, But.
Speaker 1: Thank you the Holster.
Speaker 3: How about the Holster?
Speaker 4: And they say's triumph signing off from the greatest vice
Speaker 4: presidential debate in history for.
Speaker 3: Me, pop pupa.
Speaker 4: We're here outside Madison Square Garden witnessing a caravan of
Speaker 4: migrants invading Manhattan. I didn't think it was possible to
Speaker 4: have more white people here than a Rangers game. The
Speaker 4: last time Donald Trump had this many New Yorkers in
Speaker 4: the palm of his hand, he was doing it to
Speaker 4: impress Jeffrey Epstein buff rollings.
Speaker 3: To the right. Folks.
Speaker 4: Come on, okay, whoop, sorry, wait wait wait, let me
Speaker 4: just stand right here.
Speaker 3: Okay, you're good, You're good. Fuck yet you're last night?
Speaker 7: You look at you, my good Look at this get up?
Speaker 7: Holy crap, I almost wore that, you know, thankfully, my
Speaker 7: meds kick.
Speaker 3: Where are you two from?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 3: Out of towners?
Speaker 4: So tell me, since you arrived in New York City,
Speaker 4: how many times have you been murdered?
Speaker 3: So you're a big Trump fan?
Speaker 4: I tell you what.
Speaker 3: At least Trump's the legitimate nominee.
Speaker 4: Kamala you know, it was like a coup, right They
Speaker 4: handed her the nomination, which she still has to get
Speaker 4: past Trump, which for a woman is very hard to
Speaker 4: do without pepper spray. Everyone outside is like, oh, it's
Speaker 4: a Nazi rally right now.
Speaker 3: This is nothing like a Nazi rally. The Nazis were
Speaker 3: in shape. First of all, they took care of themselves,
Speaker 3: unlike the guy over here.
Speaker 4: Right. Seriously, when I look at you makes me think
Speaker 4: the groceries aren't expensive enough. Hi kid, I did.
Speaker 3: It's not a Nazi rally.
Speaker 4: I hate when people use that term, when they call
Speaker 4: Trump a Nazi. He's the candidate preferred by Nazis. Here's
Speaker 4: another issue that drives me crazy.
Speaker 3: Inflation.
Speaker 8: Am I right?
Speaker 3: It's crazy right here right now?
Speaker 4: Can you believe it's costing Elon Musk one dollars per
Speaker 4: voter to steal the election?
Speaker 3: But it's a disgrace.
Speaker 4: The Democrats are running on abortion a lot, right, that's
Speaker 4: a big issue in this election.
Speaker 3: What would you say to.
Speaker 4: People worried about losing that right? Aside from what is
Speaker 4: it like to have sex?
Speaker 3: I do not believe that they should be pouring across
Speaker 3: our border. Foreigners are destroying American jobs. It's true.
Speaker 4: Did you know that just one illegal immigrant caused six
Speaker 4: thousand people to lose their jobs?
Speaker 3: At Twitter? This guy Elon something. Well, that's a good point.
Speaker 4: That's a good point.
Speaker 3: What's the biggest seller today? Right here? Here's food? It
Speaker 3: all it has? You know what though, I got some merch?
Speaker 3: What you got? If he loses the election was stolen?
Speaker 3: What if he wins? You say, look, the election was
Speaker 3: not stolen.
Speaker 4: Okay, how about this one to commemorate the Trump rally
Speaker 4: at Madison Square Garden. I'm with twenty thousand stupids harrows
Speaker 4: all around.
Speaker 3: Wow, I think it's gonna be a big selling. This
Speaker 3: is a human dog collar. A lot of Trump fans
Speaker 3: can wear this if found. Return to Staten Island, guys,
Speaker 3: we got to fix you up with some merch. I'm
Speaker 3: selling merch, you know, yeah, especially you. Here. Here's what
Speaker 3: I got for you, Trump condoms. There you go. Here,
Speaker 3: here's what they look like.
Speaker 4: You know they have more value if you keep them
Speaker 4: in the wrapper, which I'm sure you won't have any
Speaker 4: problem doing. And then here you can also have these.
Speaker 4: These are the Arnold Palmer size.
Speaker 3: You got a question for you? Are you going in? No,
Speaker 3: I'm not going in.
Speaker 4: I wanted to speak, but they said we don't need
Speaker 4: dogs and we have way too many puppets already.
Speaker 3: Do you love RFKA Junior?
Speaker 4: Yeah? Okay, okay, if you like our free Junior, raise
Speaker 4: your hand as far as the polio will allow.
Speaker 3: RFK is a real hero, isn't he?
Speaker 4: I mean, because being a hero is all about sacrifice,
Speaker 4: and that man has sacrificed every principle he ever had
Speaker 4: to endorse Donald Trump. Between him and me, that's two
Speaker 4: of us who've had their balls cut off?
Speaker 3: How much comments? Donald Trump doesn't need notes?
Speaker 4: Donald Trump does not need notes to stand and wander
Speaker 4: around the stage while alve Maria plays six times.
Speaker 3: You're absolutely viting. You can't put a soundtrack and laughter
Speaker 3: on you here. Oh, I don't need one. Listen to
Speaker 3: those people.
Speaker 5: Listen.
Speaker 3: Let me hear it, Danny Show. Trust me. The liberals
Speaker 3: are going nuts. Yes, I'm sorry.
Speaker 4: I don't mean to insinuate that Trump is out of
Speaker 4: his mind.
Speaker 3: I'm staying at bluntly. Trump is out of his mind,
Speaker 3: don't it. I gotta say.
Speaker 4: It's a nice crowd, but a lot of angry white
Speaker 4: guys here got to admit.
Speaker 3: What do you think is less likely that.
Speaker 4: Haitians are eating cats, or that any of the guys
Speaker 4: here have ever eaten.
Speaker 3: Trump? Trying together?
Speaker 8: Why do you think it's Trump?
Speaker 4: This guy in the cafe and we get the punchline,
Speaker 4: then ship on me this mount you wait all for
Speaker 4: low Yawka? All right, these people are out of their minds.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna have to change into something that would command
Speaker 4: more respect around here. Okay, and let's do this.
Speaker 3: How's everyone going tump Trump Trump? Here we go. Look
Speaker 3: at my old friend. We both took a book on
Speaker 3: Nancy Pelosi's gas, right, I don't know about I don't remember.
Speaker 3: Come on, what a dump? What a dump we took
Speaker 3: in there? I want a storm of Snrouser's vagina. Who's
Speaker 3: with me? Folks were on the verge of something very special?
Speaker 3: Can you feel it? You know the other side, they'll talk.
Speaker 2: About record loan, unemployment, recordized, that market, infrastructure.
Speaker 3: Blah blah blah.
Speaker 4: But this election is more than about issues that quote
Speaker 4: unquote affect us.
Speaker 3: This election is personal, am I right?
Speaker 6: It's about sticking it to those elitist liberals, those elitists
Speaker 6: who hate millionaires.
Speaker 3: But you know what, on November fifth, those elitists.
Speaker 4: They're gonna be the ones crying, and we're gonna be
Speaker 4: the ones drinking.
Speaker 6: Liberal tears, liberal.
Speaker 4: Tears, liberal tears, everybody, liberal tears.
Speaker 3: I love them. Solve the liberal tears.
Speaker 6: I won't have medicare in two years, but every style know.
Speaker 4: That there's liberal teas, liberal tears, liberal tears.
Speaker 3: L ib are you, and liberal tears. The world's in
Speaker 3: the shutar. But I'm fitful and bitter.
Speaker 6: We're all throwing muddy and levess are flooding, and just
Speaker 6: as UPTONEUS five billionaire ZONUS TI candidate's lion, the planet
Speaker 6: is tying, but liberals are quiet.
Speaker 3: So I say three cheers at the parame because my
Speaker 3: dream is to drown in them live over old lever
Speaker 3: hairs