WEBVTT - Conversations with… 0:00:02.360 --> 0:00:06.880 This is Conversations with Olivia Jade and I heart radio podcast. 0:00:17.640 --> 0:00:23.400 Hi everybody, welcome to my podcast Conversations. I am so 0:00:23.560 --> 0:00:27.160 excited to have this platform, and I honestly couldn't think 0:00:27.200 --> 0:00:31.200 of a better first episode than having an amazing therapist 0:00:31.280 --> 0:00:36.920 on Dr Goldcher. Therapy has helped me so much in 0:00:37.080 --> 0:00:40.720 so many different ways, and I just wanna have this 0:00:40.800 --> 0:00:44.160 platform and this opportunity to maybe help somebody else who 0:00:44.320 --> 0:00:47.600 doesn't have access to a therapist or could really just 0:00:47.880 --> 0:00:51.040 use some advice. And we tried to keep this pretty general. 0:00:51.240 --> 0:00:53.800 I'm really really honored to have her on the podcast, 0:00:54.000 --> 0:00:56.880 and I hope you guys enjoy. So let's just dive 0:00:57.000 --> 0:01:01.760 right into it. Hi, Dr Goldcher, Hi Olivia, how are you. 0:01:02.240 --> 0:01:05.119 I'm good. It's so nice to meet you, So nice 0:01:05.160 --> 0:01:08.360 to meet you. Thank you so much for coming on. Well, 0:01:08.600 --> 0:01:12.759 thank you for being brave. This is not easy, and 0:01:12.840 --> 0:01:17.680 so I think it's it's really an amazing milestone in 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:23.440 your healing process that you're here in this context willing 0:01:23.440 --> 0:01:28.080 to have this really vulnerable conversation. So thank you. Yeah, 0:01:28.240 --> 0:01:30.319 I think I definitely want to open up today. I 0:01:30.319 --> 0:01:32.920 want to hear, I want to learn a little bit 0:01:32.920 --> 0:01:36.280 too about certain things. And obviously I've done a little 0:01:36.280 --> 0:01:38.800 bit of research on you before coming on here today, 0:01:38.880 --> 0:01:42.160 and um, I think a starting point that is something 0:01:42.200 --> 0:01:43.759 that means a lot to me. And I don't want 0:01:43.760 --> 0:01:46.640 to I'm like nervous to talk about this in general, 0:01:46.760 --> 0:01:50.080 just because I feel like I've just gone through it 0:01:50.160 --> 0:01:53.320 personally myself. So it is a weird thing to talk about, 0:01:53.400 --> 0:01:55.639 and I don't want to upset anybody when I'm talking 0:01:55.680 --> 0:01:59.000 about it or um, but I know you talk about 0:01:59.040 --> 0:02:02.360 a lot of you know, the idea behind cancel culture 0:02:02.560 --> 0:02:05.920 and how it has certain mental health effects on somebody, 0:02:05.960 --> 0:02:10.560 and it's something I'm super fascinated by. Yeah, And so 0:02:10.919 --> 0:02:13.800 first of all, maybe you could just tell the listeners 0:02:13.840 --> 0:02:16.200 a little bit about what you do, who you are, 0:02:16.280 --> 0:02:18.639 and then we can kind of jump into that conversation. 0:02:19.400 --> 0:02:23.480 That sounds great. Well, I'm Dr Hillary Culture. I'm a 0:02:23.520 --> 0:02:28.080 licensed clinical psychologist and pre COVID. I operated out of 0:02:28.120 --> 0:02:31.040 my office in Beverly Hills, but now I'm in my 0:02:31.160 --> 0:02:35.160 virtual office out of my home, and I specialized in 0:02:35.800 --> 0:02:41.280 trauma and anxiety and depression and also work with parents 0:02:41.360 --> 0:02:44.600 and kiddos quite a bit as well. I do some 0:02:44.720 --> 0:02:48.400 work on Instagram to kind of um put forth some 0:02:48.520 --> 0:02:51.200 of my ideas and do a lot of media work 0:02:51.200 --> 0:02:54.960 as well, CNN Box podcasts like this one. Um, and 0:02:55.000 --> 0:02:56.840 it's it's really my pleasure to be with you today. 0:02:56.880 --> 0:03:02.760 So that's a little quick summary. Um okay, Well, I think, yeah, 0:03:02.800 --> 0:03:06.000 let's just jump right into it. In general, I think 0:03:06.120 --> 0:03:08.840 that I kind of want to just talk about just 0:03:08.919 --> 0:03:14.280 to start, like, obviously, right now, I think, especially with 0:03:14.320 --> 0:03:18.520 my generation, cancel culture and the bandwagon effect and the 0:03:18.560 --> 0:03:22.720 mob mentality of it is really prevalent, and it's so big, 0:03:22.760 --> 0:03:25.000 and I think it's so much bigger than I'm not 0:03:25.080 --> 0:03:28.919 even just talking about like any of my own personal situations, 0:03:28.919 --> 0:03:31.960 but just in general through kids over zoom in school, 0:03:32.080 --> 0:03:35.880 like being canceled from a classmate behind a screen, And 0:03:36.400 --> 0:03:39.320 I think it's obviously just a huge thing right now, 0:03:39.360 --> 0:03:41.920 and it's something I'm really passionate about because I know, 0:03:42.640 --> 0:03:45.560 you know in the past how it's affected my mental health. 0:03:46.360 --> 0:03:48.640 But I think a lot of people don't realize the 0:03:48.680 --> 0:03:51.040 effects it actually has. And I want to hear more 0:03:51.040 --> 0:03:54.200 of like a professional and like a scientific kind of 0:03:54.280 --> 0:03:57.280 explanation of that if you're willing to, just so people 0:03:57.320 --> 0:04:00.760 can understand a little bit more, of course, yes. And 0:04:01.280 --> 0:04:07.440 you know, the notion of cancel culture evolved in a 0:04:07.800 --> 0:04:13.360 really intense set of environmental and cultural circumstances right kind 0:04:13.360 --> 0:04:17.760 of on the heels of the Me Too movement and 0:04:17.880 --> 0:04:20.800 all of the black life matters issues and a lot 0:04:20.839 --> 0:04:24.440 of political important issues that came up, and people wanted 0:04:24.480 --> 0:04:27.600 to hold other people accountable. This is not in and 0:04:27.640 --> 0:04:30.200 of itself a bad thing, the idea that we hold 0:04:30.360 --> 0:04:34.080 up issues that don't serve ourselves as individuals, that don't 0:04:34.080 --> 0:04:36.479 serve our society, and we call it out and we 0:04:36.520 --> 0:04:39.880 say we want change. Right. It sort of began as 0:04:40.880 --> 0:04:44.600 a wave of really accountability, but it has evolved into 0:04:44.720 --> 0:04:47.680 cancel culture, which, as most of the listeners know, is 0:04:47.800 --> 0:04:51.919 that some version of really deleting someone from their personal 0:04:51.960 --> 0:04:56.920 and professional stature in the community and um in social media, 0:04:57.000 --> 0:05:03.000 etcetera after a series of or particular mistake. And when 0:05:03.120 --> 0:05:05.920 you ask the question, what happens to a person that's 0:05:05.920 --> 0:05:10.520 at the center of cancel culture, it's such a critical issue. 0:05:10.720 --> 0:05:13.240 It's so important to look at the other side because 0:05:13.240 --> 0:05:16.280 while we can hold a space for holding someone accountable, 0:05:16.360 --> 0:05:18.520 we also have to hold a space for looking at 0:05:18.520 --> 0:05:21.400 what happens to that person on the other side, And 0:05:21.440 --> 0:05:25.680 the answer is it is a traumatic event. It is 0:05:25.760 --> 0:05:31.159 an absolutely traumatic event that can lead to depression, anxiety, 0:05:31.279 --> 0:05:36.120 and sort of a complete disorientation of the self. Right. 0:05:36.440 --> 0:05:41.920 One identifies themselves through certain relationships, through certain markers in 0:05:41.960 --> 0:05:45.480 their lives, and they see themselves through their own eyes 0:05:45.520 --> 0:05:47.960 and how others see them as well, and when those 0:05:48.000 --> 0:05:52.320 things collapse or are eliminated or are disallowed, it's super disorienting. 0:05:52.839 --> 0:05:56.760 And so I've said this before and other contexts, but 0:05:57.560 --> 0:06:01.919 my issue from clinical standpoint and from sort of a 0:06:01.960 --> 0:06:05.800 human being standpoint with cancel culture is that it forecloses 0:06:05.880 --> 0:06:09.080 the most important thing about the issues that are being raised, 0:06:09.080 --> 0:06:13.600 which is an opportunity for learning, for education, and for 0:06:14.520 --> 0:06:18.600 the public at large to witness someone in that process, 0:06:18.880 --> 0:06:22.600 which is invaluable. And so when we have someone like 0:06:22.680 --> 0:06:28.120 you and others that is standing in an error, standing 0:06:28.240 --> 0:06:31.440 and a mistake, is standing in an event which with 0:06:31.480 --> 0:06:35.200 which they have regret or which they could change, and 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:38.400 we foreclose the opportunity for that dialogue to occur, so 0:06:38.520 --> 0:06:41.760 much is lost, an opportunity for growth, and so much 0:06:41.800 --> 0:06:44.559 as lost for that person at the center of it. Yeah, 0:06:44.600 --> 0:06:48.240 and I feel like I'm so or just personally, I'm 0:06:48.360 --> 0:06:51.520 so hesitant to talk about this, and I think it's 0:06:51.600 --> 0:06:54.159 like I'm so hesitant to talk about it because of 0:06:54.200 --> 0:06:56.680 the trauma that you're kind of talking about it, like 0:06:57.040 --> 0:06:58.920 oh gosh, if I say this or if it comes 0:06:58.920 --> 0:07:00.719 off like kind of the wrong way, am I going 0:07:00.760 --> 0:07:02.600 to get canceled again? Or is this going to be 0:07:02.640 --> 0:07:04.839 a thing? And it really does leave such an impression 0:07:04.839 --> 0:07:09.520 in one's mind, you know, like really I and I again, 0:07:09.560 --> 0:07:11.520 I get so nervous. I feel like I walk on 0:07:11.560 --> 0:07:13.720 eggshells when I talk, just because I don't want to 0:07:13.720 --> 0:07:15.400 say the wrong thing, and I want to make it 0:07:15.440 --> 0:07:19.280 clear to people listening that like I'm not trying to 0:07:19.760 --> 0:07:24.040 victimize myself, but I also I'm trying just from being 0:07:24.440 --> 0:07:28.400 and having this personal experience, Like I really do understand 0:07:28.760 --> 0:07:31.680 like how different of a person I've become because of it, 0:07:31.720 --> 0:07:34.200 and not entirely in a good way. Sometimes, like I 0:07:34.240 --> 0:07:36.880 really do feel like I have way harder days or 0:07:36.880 --> 0:07:40.440 I'm way harder on myself, and I'm so scared of 0:07:40.480 --> 0:07:42.920 like looking at my name and something bad is happening 0:07:42.960 --> 0:07:45.200 and I'm the face of it, and it's gonna be 0:07:45.240 --> 0:07:47.480 like this big thing that blows up in my face again. 0:07:47.520 --> 0:07:50.000 And it's like it's so interesting to me because I 0:07:50.000 --> 0:07:52.480 feel like people who have experienced it, even if it's 0:07:52.480 --> 0:07:55.880 in a different capacity, like you just you live your 0:07:55.920 --> 0:07:58.640 life a little bit a little bit differently in my opinion, 0:07:58.720 --> 0:08:00.800 and you just kind of shut down and you don't 0:08:01.240 --> 0:08:03.600 you almost start to you like kind of start to 0:08:03.680 --> 0:08:06.960 believe what people are telling you, like you don't deserve 0:08:07.000 --> 0:08:10.640 a second chance, and like there is no room for growth, 0:08:10.640 --> 0:08:13.920 and you feel like not to sound super dark, but 0:08:14.040 --> 0:08:17.080 it's like just what how do you bounce back then? 0:08:17.200 --> 0:08:19.640 Because I want to be alive. I still want to 0:08:19.680 --> 0:08:21.600 grow up. I want to you know. But then you 0:08:21.640 --> 0:08:23.560 have people saying like, well, you don't deserve to and 0:08:23.680 --> 0:08:26.040 you should go hide forever, and it's almost just like, 0:08:26.760 --> 0:08:29.600 in kind of a dark way, it's just like don't 0:08:29.640 --> 0:08:33.960 exist anymore basically, which obviously is really hard to hear, 0:08:34.040 --> 0:08:38.480 especially when you're the person being told that. You know, yeah, 0:08:38.520 --> 0:08:44.400 there's that message of literal annihilation which is really dark 0:08:44.880 --> 0:08:49.800 and really lonely and scary, and I want to help 0:08:49.840 --> 0:08:52.760 you in this moment create a paradigm goes for you 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:56.079 individually and maybe for the listeners, which is the idea 0:08:56.160 --> 0:09:00.400 that things can co exist. Feelings can co exist, steps 0:09:00.440 --> 0:09:03.600 can coexist, they can live side by side. And how 0:09:03.600 --> 0:09:05.840 this applies to what we're talking about is the idea 0:09:05.920 --> 0:09:08.440 that two things can be true at the same time. 0:09:08.800 --> 0:09:13.640 You can both have deep regret about what transpired. You 0:09:13.679 --> 0:09:19.160 can have um a wish to imagine too, the opportunity 0:09:19.240 --> 0:09:21.640 to do it differently. And at the same time you 0:09:21.679 --> 0:09:24.640 can also have the capacity and the ability and the 0:09:24.679 --> 0:09:27.720 fantasy and the hope to change and grow and to 0:09:28.000 --> 0:09:31.000 use your life to do good in the world and 0:09:31.080 --> 0:09:34.000 to help teach others. These things can be true at 0:09:34.040 --> 0:09:37.520 the same time, and I think for you personally, it's 0:09:37.559 --> 0:09:40.559 one of the things that over time that will probably 0:09:40.640 --> 0:09:43.440 help ground you that you're going to, in my view, 0:09:43.640 --> 0:09:46.599 have to lean into because ultimately, at the end of 0:09:46.640 --> 0:09:48.719 the day, you're going to have to decide how to 0:09:48.800 --> 0:09:51.840 move forward with all of these things true at the 0:09:51.880 --> 0:09:56.760 same time. Right there, there maybe folks who decide they 0:09:56.800 --> 0:09:59.839 don't forgive you, or decide that to see you thrive, 0:10:00.360 --> 0:10:04.439 um uh, sort of as in violation of the sanctity 0:10:04.480 --> 0:10:07.040 of the errors that you made. Right, But there are 0:10:07.080 --> 0:10:08.360 also going to be a lot of folks who are 0:10:08.440 --> 0:10:11.360 cheering for you, and ultimately you have to decide what 0:10:11.440 --> 0:10:13.840 you want to make of this. And so I think 0:10:14.120 --> 0:10:16.160 for you as you speak about it, as you think 0:10:16.200 --> 0:10:20.040 about it, both publicly and personally, holding those truth for yourself, 0:10:20.040 --> 0:10:22.920 that these things are true at the same time, right, 0:10:23.679 --> 0:10:26.560 And and that in part is in my view, what 0:10:26.679 --> 0:10:30.840 gives you the the right, the courage, the ability to 0:10:30.920 --> 0:10:34.200 move forward. You can both have regret and understanding and 0:10:34.280 --> 0:10:37.600 at the same time want something for yourself. Yeah, and 0:10:37.640 --> 0:10:40.959 just obviously I'm just speaking a little bit about this 0:10:41.080 --> 0:10:43.240 and like my personal life, just because I do feel 0:10:43.240 --> 0:10:46.040 like I understand it to a certain degree, but obviously 0:10:46.080 --> 0:10:48.000 it's so much bigger than just me, and I'd way 0:10:48.120 --> 0:10:51.600 rather talk about other people, like not in maybe the 0:10:51.640 --> 0:10:54.360 public eye, but that are dealing with the same sense 0:10:54.400 --> 0:10:57.560 of bullying and mold mentality. And as a therapist, obviously 0:10:57.640 --> 0:10:59.600 like some advice you could give to them and how 0:10:59.640 --> 0:11:01.320 to get through that and how you get through to 0:11:01.360 --> 0:11:03.720 the other side, and when you are having a really 0:11:03.760 --> 0:11:05.400 bad day, if you have any tips, because I know 0:11:05.480 --> 0:11:09.720 a lot of my viewers on YouTube there constantly in 0:11:09.800 --> 0:11:12.280 my messages, just like how are you getting through this 0:11:12.360 --> 0:11:15.240 rough day? Or and I just feel like, as much 0:11:15.280 --> 0:11:18.800 as I'd love to give advice, I'm not licensed nor professional, 0:11:18.960 --> 0:11:22.040 and so um I think would be really helpful for 0:11:22.120 --> 0:11:25.959 some people to hear it from you. Yeah, yeah, I 0:11:26.080 --> 0:11:29.160 think one of the most important things. And maybe this 0:11:29.240 --> 0:11:32.640 seems paradoxical to getting through, but in fact it's really 0:11:32.640 --> 0:11:38.120 a requirement is to validate the feelings deeply acknowledge them 0:11:38.160 --> 0:11:42.480 to yourself and if you have safe others to talk about, right, 0:11:42.679 --> 0:11:46.160 is to validate and acknowledge how difficult it is, how 0:11:46.200 --> 0:11:49.240 painful it is, how traumatic it is, how big it 0:11:49.360 --> 0:11:54.199 is to be canceled, to feel bullied, to feel um separated, 0:11:54.240 --> 0:11:57.120 to feel excluded. Right, that is, that is a huge 0:11:57.200 --> 0:12:01.440 trauma for anyone at a public macro level, like you've 0:12:01.480 --> 0:12:03.920 dealt with or someone as you're talking about that's in 0:12:03.960 --> 0:12:07.559 their fifth grade classroom and have you left out of 0:12:07.600 --> 0:12:11.560 a birthday party? Right? The loneness that comes with that, 0:12:11.640 --> 0:12:15.520 the trauma, the anxiety, the fear about what this means 0:12:15.559 --> 0:12:18.120 for the future is devastating. And so just to acknowledge 0:12:18.160 --> 0:12:20.480 that those feelings that are coming up in the face 0:12:20.520 --> 0:12:23.400 of that are normal, are expected, are appropriate, I think 0:12:23.520 --> 0:12:26.040 is really important because we can feel like, oh, we 0:12:26.120 --> 0:12:27.959 want to make those feelings go away, or we shouldn't 0:12:28.000 --> 0:12:30.400 talk about them, or something's wrong with us that we're 0:12:30.400 --> 0:12:33.000 feeling so broken. In the face of it, those kind 0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:35.600 of feelings are normal. It's sort of a primitive edict 0:12:35.640 --> 0:12:37.840 for us to feel connected and included, and when that 0:12:37.920 --> 0:12:41.040 doesn't happen, it's devastating. It's really really hard. So the 0:12:41.040 --> 0:12:45.200 first step is kind of acknowledging, validating, and the second 0:12:45.240 --> 0:12:49.840 step is being able to create a narrative inside of yourself, 0:12:49.880 --> 0:12:52.040 which is a really really tall order of what we're 0:12:52.040 --> 0:12:55.760 feeling traumatized right and we're feeling separate and excluded, but 0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:58.320 we have to decide who we're going to be in 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:00.960 the face of these kind of challenges. Is how we're 0:13:00.960 --> 0:13:03.200 going to view ourselves, what we're going to say to ourselves, 0:13:03.200 --> 0:13:06.520 what we're gonna say to ourselves about what's happening, and 0:13:06.559 --> 0:13:10.120 so being able to lean into what you know about yourself, 0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:12.720 how you move through the world, the connections you have 0:13:12.880 --> 0:13:15.640 with your friends, with your family, the kindness that you 0:13:15.720 --> 0:13:18.840 show others who you are deeply inside, being able to 0:13:18.920 --> 0:13:22.280 hold onto that narrative because in the end, it's really 0:13:22.400 --> 0:13:27.240 us um that carries the strongest messages about ourselves. Right, 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:29.840 It's that voice that we have inside of ourselves that 0:13:29.960 --> 0:13:32.760 informs how we move through the day. So being able 0:13:32.760 --> 0:13:36.040 to be extent possible to mobilize what we know about 0:13:36.040 --> 0:13:39.720 ourselves and keep interrupting that self talk even though those 0:13:39.760 --> 0:13:42.319 messages are coming in, even though they're devastating, even though 0:13:42.320 --> 0:13:45.160 they're painful, to keep replacing them with the truth that 0:13:45.200 --> 0:13:48.040 you know about yourself. And I want to pause and 0:13:48.080 --> 0:13:50.680 acknowledge that this is the hardest thing ever. I mean, 0:13:50.720 --> 0:13:54.959 this is this is like kids, teenagers, young adults, grown ups, 0:13:54.960 --> 0:13:58.480 and um senior citizens. We work on this our our 0:13:58.520 --> 0:14:01.120 whole lives. Being able to not live in the projections 0:14:01.200 --> 0:14:03.680 of others, being able to use our own voice to 0:14:03.720 --> 0:14:07.079 replace the ideas of notions and the judgment of others. 0:14:07.120 --> 0:14:09.640 It's really, really, really, really hard, But it's a muscle 0:14:09.720 --> 0:14:11.959 that we have to build. And then we want to 0:14:11.960 --> 0:14:14.160 get into a bunch of self care as we go 0:14:14.240 --> 0:14:18.320 through this like tremendously difficult journey. Right, And so the 0:14:18.400 --> 0:14:21.000 things that make you feel good, whether it's meditation or 0:14:21.120 --> 0:14:24.040 music or taking a bath or connecting with a loved 0:14:24.080 --> 0:14:28.240 one reading a book. It's critical to kind of facilitate 0:14:28.280 --> 0:14:31.720 opportunities to calm our body as we do this deep work. 0:14:32.040 --> 0:14:34.760 And I call it deep work because standing up in 0:14:34.800 --> 0:14:37.760 the face of negative voices is is one of the 0:14:37.760 --> 0:14:40.200 hardest things to do in the whole world. And so 0:14:40.720 --> 0:14:43.920 I don't have advice that makes it go away, but 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:47.800 I have guidance to help build that part inside of 0:14:47.840 --> 0:14:50.560 yourself that says like I'm I'm I'm good enough. I 0:14:51.000 --> 0:14:53.480 deserve to to to be here. I deserve to live 0:14:53.520 --> 0:14:57.040 a life even if I don't have the approving eyes 0:14:57.160 --> 0:15:00.360 and words of others. I'm enough. Yeah. And I think 0:15:00.400 --> 0:15:04.080 also with with social media and how obviously it's just 0:15:04.360 --> 0:15:08.880 at its peak and everybody's on social media from twelve 0:15:08.960 --> 0:15:11.920 to thirteen year olds, and I feel like that's amplified 0:15:12.200 --> 0:15:15.560 cancel culture in itself. And I guess I'm just trying 0:15:15.560 --> 0:15:18.240 to ask on top of that, maybe like what advice 0:15:18.280 --> 0:15:20.400 could you give, because that the last thing you said, 0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:23.280 I think is super helpful um for a lot of people. 0:15:23.360 --> 0:15:25.920 But with social media, with I feel like so many 0:15:25.960 --> 0:15:30.040 young women and men comparing themselves and feeling like, you know, 0:15:30.120 --> 0:15:32.960 they're not worthy of this or this person's life looks 0:15:33.000 --> 0:15:36.840 so perfect on this platform and then you get really 0:15:36.840 --> 0:15:39.360 down on yourself. And although it's not really having to 0:15:39.400 --> 0:15:41.640 do with cancel culture, I do think it's like another 0:15:42.280 --> 0:15:45.600 little form of maybe trauma is not the right word, 0:15:45.760 --> 0:15:48.840 but just like, I don't know, you could probably phrase 0:15:48.880 --> 0:15:52.960 this way more eloquently than I am, but am I 0:15:53.040 --> 0:15:55.240 kind of making sense that you're understanding what I'm saying, 0:15:55.280 --> 0:15:58.840 Just like, how how to help younger kids through that 0:15:58.960 --> 0:16:02.400 and looking at social media and comparing themselves and feeling 0:16:02.480 --> 0:16:04.680 so down on themselves that it does create a different 0:16:04.720 --> 0:16:08.600 level of depression, And um, yeah, I guess that's kind 0:16:08.600 --> 0:16:12.720 of what my main point is. Your your point is 0:16:12.840 --> 0:16:16.480 a critical one and should be an ongoing discussion that 0:16:16.560 --> 0:16:20.520 we have as parents, as caregivers of children, as teachers, 0:16:21.240 --> 0:16:24.600 and amongst our our our kids and young adults. The 0:16:24.680 --> 0:16:29.800 dynamic you're talking about is devastating for young people, right 0:16:29.960 --> 0:16:34.840 This whole to compare um, what your own life feels 0:16:34.920 --> 0:16:38.680 like relative to what other people's lives look like, and 0:16:39.200 --> 0:16:40.960 the very nature of social media. We can have a 0:16:40.960 --> 0:16:43.400 whole other discussion about this is designed to do just that. 0:16:43.440 --> 0:16:46.360 There's sort of an addictive quality that it pulls for 0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:50.280 right and and we all are susceptible, regardless of your 0:16:50.360 --> 0:16:53.320 age or station in life. So I have a few 0:16:53.480 --> 0:16:56.520 few thoughts. One is pretty practical and perhaps obvious, but 0:16:56.560 --> 0:17:00.120 I think social media breaks are critical. And if our 0:17:00.160 --> 0:17:03.120 parents listening out there to really take the temperature of 0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:06.840 your teens and your young adults that you're still connected 0:17:06.880 --> 0:17:10.040 with or live in your house, and employ social media 0:17:10.119 --> 0:17:15.080 breaks to interrupt this addictive poll to compare, and you 0:17:15.520 --> 0:17:19.200 lift um our sense of self outside of that tunnel 0:17:19.359 --> 0:17:22.000 and um more outside into the world in terms of 0:17:22.000 --> 0:17:24.320 how we move through it and what we do. Um. 0:17:24.480 --> 0:17:27.879 It's a more practical piece of advice, but um, the 0:17:28.760 --> 0:17:33.280 dynamic that kids face is really complex, and so you 0:17:33.320 --> 0:17:38.000 have to continue to build a narrative about yourself right 0:17:38.320 --> 0:17:40.200 and before Actually, I want to step back and say 0:17:40.240 --> 0:17:43.040 this as a as a psychologist, and I work with 0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:44.960 folks in the public eye, and I work with folks 0:17:45.160 --> 0:17:47.960 not in the public eye. And the notion of social 0:17:48.000 --> 0:17:51.399 media and this comparison culture comes up all the time. 0:17:51.840 --> 0:17:55.240 Um for folks that are celebrities and have a lot 0:17:55.240 --> 0:17:57.520 of power and famous, and for folks who sort of 0:17:57.520 --> 0:18:00.240 live a non public life. It is you big? It is. 0:18:00.320 --> 0:18:02.520 It is across the board, And so no matter how 0:18:02.520 --> 0:18:06.159 many followers you have, UM, what your body looks like, 0:18:06.200 --> 0:18:08.280 what your clothes look like, what relationships are in and 0:18:08.280 --> 0:18:11.879 how many friends you have, etcetera. Everyone everyone, And I 0:18:11.920 --> 0:18:16.800 can underscore this looks like a yellow highlighter and it 0:18:16.800 --> 0:18:21.040 feels the same. And I know it's hard to believe if, um, 0:18:21.080 --> 0:18:24.520 you're looking at this hierarchy and see celebrity, and UM, 0:18:25.240 --> 0:18:27.600 folks that look a certain way or project a certain image, 0:18:27.640 --> 0:18:29.840 they have to be at the top of the untill 0:18:29.920 --> 0:18:34.040 health hierarchy. Right, That's the thought that consumers of social 0:18:34.040 --> 0:18:35.919 media think. But I'm here to tell you that that 0:18:36.000 --> 0:18:39.960 is not true. Everyone has the same feelings of insecurity, 0:18:40.040 --> 0:18:43.680 the same fears of not being accepted, the same concerns 0:18:43.720 --> 0:18:48.119 about their acceptability internally externally. It is the same across 0:18:48.160 --> 0:18:50.840 the board. I see it all of the time, and 0:18:50.880 --> 0:18:54.280 so I guess i'd start there that you are not alone. 0:18:54.600 --> 0:18:58.160 Everyone feels these feelings, and it's why it's so critical 0:18:58.280 --> 0:19:01.520 to interrupt your consumption so that you get some relief. 0:19:02.080 --> 0:19:03.680 And then, as I was talking about before, we sort 0:19:03.720 --> 0:19:07.040 of hit this before, but maintaining that narrative about what 0:19:07.200 --> 0:19:11.200 is actually important to you, what actually resonates in your life, 0:19:11.280 --> 0:19:14.760 what actually moves you, What are you here to do? 0:19:14.920 --> 0:19:18.479 What services are you here to provide to those in 0:19:18.520 --> 0:19:20.840 your life? Right, those are the things that help ground 0:19:20.960 --> 0:19:24.200 us over time and so beginning, and you know, if 0:19:24.200 --> 0:19:27.640 you're in fifth grade, that might be might be lofty questions, 0:19:27.680 --> 0:19:30.480 but then the lean of the idea of like who 0:19:30.520 --> 0:19:33.280 am I? What makes me me? That's the most important. 0:19:33.400 --> 0:19:35.560 You know, how do I relate to my friends? One? 0:19:35.560 --> 0:19:37.600 Are the things that I like to do? What are 0:19:37.640 --> 0:19:41.040 the things that I like about myself? It's really critical 0:19:41.080 --> 0:19:44.639 to keep that kind of dynamic dialogue going internally to 0:19:44.800 --> 0:19:48.480 combat these messages that are coming in. And I wish 0:19:48.520 --> 0:19:53.320 I had a a perfect response to this enormous dilemma 0:19:53.480 --> 0:19:58.000 because it absolutely contributes to anxiety and depression in our 0:19:58.040 --> 0:20:01.280 young kids and and and adults as well. And so 0:20:01.320 --> 0:20:03.600 we have to get really active in the face of it. 0:20:03.640 --> 0:20:06.520 We have to get really active about the voices inside 0:20:06.520 --> 0:20:09.480 our mind and interrupting how we talk to ourselves. Yeah, 0:20:09.520 --> 0:20:13.120 and it's feeling like this thing is kind of inevitable 0:20:13.160 --> 0:20:15.360 and it's social media is here to stay. And that's 0:20:15.359 --> 0:20:17.240 how it feels like. So I think that's great advice. 0:20:17.280 --> 0:20:19.760 It's really trying to dig deep within yourself to find 0:20:19.760 --> 0:20:21.720 a way to get through it, because it doesn't seem 0:20:21.760 --> 0:20:24.200 like right now at this rate, it's you know, really 0:20:24.240 --> 0:20:26.960 going anywhere, and a conversation I feel like I have 0:20:27.080 --> 0:20:29.760 so often with and I'm just curious on your opinion 0:20:29.800 --> 0:20:32.320 of it. But I talked about this with my sister 0:20:32.359 --> 0:20:35.600 a lot, just because I think I was probably one 0:20:35.640 --> 0:20:39.920 of the last like age groups to not grow up 0:20:39.960 --> 0:20:44.280 with social media and Instagram I think was created when 0:20:44.280 --> 0:20:47.120 I was a teenager, so I didn't have that like 0:20:47.280 --> 0:20:48.959 you know, when I was younger, I was playing with 0:20:49.000 --> 0:20:51.760 dolls and I wasn't comparing myself and I at a 0:20:51.800 --> 0:20:54.320 young age, you're not looking at magazine covers and models. 0:20:54.320 --> 0:20:57.879 And now these kids are looking at basically magazine covers 0:20:57.880 --> 0:21:00.439 on their own Instagrams with photos that have been touched, 0:21:00.440 --> 0:21:04.040 and it's just a completely different game for these kids now. 0:21:04.080 --> 0:21:06.920 And I think that something we talked about a lot 0:21:06.960 --> 0:21:10.439 is that is is it appropriate to say maybe social 0:21:10.480 --> 0:21:14.159 media should have an age restriction and would that help 0:21:14.640 --> 0:21:19.120 with mental health in a certain capacity? Yes, yes, yes, 0:21:19.240 --> 0:21:22.720 a million thousand times yes, it would be absolutely my 0:21:23.440 --> 0:21:29.560 clinical professional preference that kids maybe wouldn't get on Instagram 0:21:29.560 --> 0:21:33.000 and social media until sixteen. Yeah, because that's what I 0:21:33.040 --> 0:21:36.080 remember obviously growing up. Now you have kids, like even 0:21:36.119 --> 0:21:39.200 my friends little sisters, who are twelve and thirteen years old, 0:21:39.200 --> 0:21:42.200 and they're looking at these eighteen year olds on social media, 0:21:42.359 --> 0:21:46.600 and I think it's creating a whole lot of problems 0:21:46.640 --> 0:21:51.119 mentally because hey, you're almost seven years, eight years younger 0:21:51.160 --> 0:21:53.000 than a lot of these people you're looking at, So 0:21:53.200 --> 0:21:55.360 you're gonna get to that point eventually in your life. 0:21:55.400 --> 0:21:57.680 You're gonna grow up, You're gonna be mature one day. 0:21:57.720 --> 0:22:00.160 And it's like it's almost I feel like stripping your 0:22:00.200 --> 0:22:02.879 youth a little bit because you're just you want to 0:22:02.920 --> 0:22:05.600 grow up so much faster. And there's a reason when 0:22:05.640 --> 0:22:08.240 we were like my friends and I growing up, when 0:22:08.280 --> 0:22:11.320 you'd watch TV and commercials, the commercials were really catered 0:22:11.359 --> 0:22:14.359 towards children. And now, you know, with the access to 0:22:14.440 --> 0:22:17.280 just see anything, I feel like you're just prone to 0:22:17.320 --> 0:22:20.760 grow up so much more, I guess, just quickly. But 0:22:20.880 --> 0:22:23.960 also I think it does have some you know, really 0:22:24.000 --> 0:22:26.760 hard effects on young girls and guys and mental health 0:22:26.880 --> 0:22:30.600 for sure. Yeah, I mean it's it's shifting the paradigm 0:22:30.880 --> 0:22:34.240 right under our noses, right that young girls, I think 0:22:34.240 --> 0:22:38.520