WEBVTT - Recover Real Potential

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<v Speaker 1>Hi listeners, welcome back. I'm nedrig lover to WIB and

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<v Speaker 1>you need to hear this. Today we're talking to a

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<v Speaker 1>caller who is having challenges in their friendship. Friendship is

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<v Speaker 1>a relationship that we choose with people and hopefully all

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<v Speaker 1>goes well, but when it does not, it is heartbreaking.

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<v Speaker 1>There are not enough songs, not enough information for us

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<v Speaker 1>to figure out how to deal with a friendship loss,

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<v Speaker 1>friendship breakup, friendship communication. And so today we will be

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<v Speaker 1>digging into having tough conversations in friendships, placing boundaries in

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<v Speaker 1>friendships and when to decide if this is a friendship

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<v Speaker 1>that you need to hang on to or release. There's

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<v Speaker 1>something I once read that said, if a friendship gets

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<v Speaker 1>to seven years, then you've done an amazing job and

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<v Speaker 1>it's probably a long term friendship. But most of our

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<v Speaker 1>friendships don't make it that long. Friends come in cycles,

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<v Speaker 1>you know. We meet people in a certain stage of

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<v Speaker 1>parenting that we may be in, or we may meet

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<v Speaker 1>friends at a particular job and when we leave that job,

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<v Speaker 1>we lose them. We meet friends where we're in a

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<v Speaker 1>particular activity. We meet friends who are our neighbors. We

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<v Speaker 1>meet people in seasons and sometimes those relationships don't transfer

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<v Speaker 1>to that next season. It can be really challenging, particularly

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<v Speaker 1>when you like a person right like just because our

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<v Speaker 1>friendship and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you,

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<v Speaker 1>it's nothing wrong with me. But we're in a different

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<v Speaker 1>place now. You know, the person you used to know

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<v Speaker 1>is no longer. They are the things we used to

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<v Speaker 1>be able to do. They're not fun to me anymore,

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<v Speaker 1>maybe not fun to you. It doesn't mean that there's

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<v Speaker 1>anything in particular wrong with either of us. Also, a

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<v Speaker 1>thing we need to remember about friendships is sometimes we

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<v Speaker 1>can pall and go back to it and it's even richer,

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<v Speaker 1>it's better. But we have to allow that space to

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<v Speaker 1>exist for us to figure out what the friendship is

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<v Speaker 1>or what it isn't. So let's start today's call.

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<v Speaker 2>Hi, I've been going through a difficult time with a

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<v Speaker 2>friend and was hoping to gain perspective. Currently there's some

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<v Speaker 2>estrangement and I'm wondering if this is anything worth repairing

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<v Speaker 2>or leaving where it is. I met my friend back

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<v Speaker 2>in twenty nineteen, and during this time of us meeting,

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<v Speaker 2>I was in an unhealthy situationship. Who also is someone

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<v Speaker 2>my friend knows from what I've observed and from what

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<v Speaker 2>has been shared with me, it doesn't seem that this

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<v Speaker 2>is someone she's close with. It all compared to our relationship,

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<v Speaker 2>as she refers to me as her sister. The only

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<v Speaker 2>time that they spent time with one another was if

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<v Speaker 2>I was around. At the top of twenty twenty two,

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<v Speaker 2>I ended the situationship that turned into a romantic relationship. Fortunately,

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<v Speaker 2>my dealings with this person did not end because of

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<v Speaker 2>our unhealthy cycle we continued throughout the years. This relationship

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<v Speaker 2>was a codependent one and he was emotionally unavailable, but

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<v Speaker 2>would continue to string me along and I would follow,

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<v Speaker 2>hoping for change. By December of twenty twenty two, I

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<v Speaker 2>made the decision to end things with my ex. At

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<v Speaker 2>the time, I told them that I thought it was

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<v Speaker 2>best that we went our separate ways and that in

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<v Speaker 2>the future maybe we could be friends, but needed time.

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<v Speaker 2>What prompted me to separate myself from my ex was

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<v Speaker 2>me learning about my own unhealthy contributions to the relationship,

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<v Speaker 2>and while I actually allowed myself to process all that

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<v Speaker 2>happened throughout the years between us, I decided that being

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<v Speaker 2>friends with this person wasn't something that was possible I

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<v Speaker 2>chose not to communicate this to my ex because there's

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<v Speaker 2>been multiple times throughout a relationship that they and I

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<v Speaker 2>have violated boundaries, and I just felt that if I

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<v Speaker 2>attempted to communicate with this person, they would find a

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<v Speaker 2>way to manipulate me emotionally and I would concede to

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<v Speaker 2>being in contact with them, even though I knew it

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<v Speaker 2>wasn't in my best interest. Shortly after that, I reconnec

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<v Speaker 2>did with an old friend and someone who I dated

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<v Speaker 2>in my twenties, and long story short, we are now together.

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<v Speaker 2>I explain all this because my friend that I am

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<v Speaker 2>estranged with has been witnessed to everything that I endured

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<v Speaker 2>with this person throughout the years. This friend also knows

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<v Speaker 2>my current partner. After making the decision to have no

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<v Speaker 2>contact with my ex, I found out that they had

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<v Speaker 2>been attempting to communicate with mutuals in an effort to

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<v Speaker 2>try and find out information regarding me or talk to

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<v Speaker 2>me to them. When I got wind of it, I

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<v Speaker 2>asked all of them, if this person brings me up

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<v Speaker 2>in conversation, please do not divulge any of my business

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<v Speaker 2>to them, nor engage in conversation. This one friend was

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<v Speaker 2>the only person that gave me a long winded response

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<v Speaker 2>as to why they wouldn't do anything like that instead

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<v Speaker 2>of simply saying that they understood. Fast forward and my

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<v Speaker 2>ex indeed reached out to her and brought me up

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<v Speaker 2>which she told me about. From that conversation, I revealed

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<v Speaker 2>other reasons why I chose no contact with my ex

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<v Speaker 2>and why I didn't want to be friends with them.

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<v Speaker 2>I also was clear in stating that I was okay

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<v Speaker 2>that they continued their relationship with each other, but that

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<v Speaker 2>I I did not want to be included or hear

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<v Speaker 2>anything about this person unless it was something being said

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<v Speaker 2>about me. I now realized that I needed to know

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<v Speaker 2>nothing of what was being said about me by my ex,

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<v Speaker 2>But at the time I knew that he is a notion.

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<v Speaker 2>It sometimes turned stories to make him appear to be

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<v Speaker 2>a victim in scenarios, and I didn't want him lying

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<v Speaker 2>on me to my friends.

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<v Speaker 1>Woo. I hear so many things here. The first thing

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<v Speaker 1>that sticks out to me is this idea of ghosting.

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<v Speaker 1>This is a tough topic because for people who have

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<v Speaker 1>been ghosted, which I'm a person who's been ghosted, you

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<v Speaker 1>know many of us have been ghosted. It is tough

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<v Speaker 1>to be on the receiving end for the person who

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<v Speaker 1>is doing the ghosting. I've been the person who's done

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<v Speaker 1>the ghosting, which is a tough position to be in

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<v Speaker 1>as well. One thing I want us to remember as

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<v Speaker 1>we are wandering why won't they just talk to me?

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<v Speaker 1>We have to think about how they've already tried to

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<v Speaker 1>talk to us, how we might not be the easiest

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<v Speaker 1>person to talk to. And that's what I'm hearing in

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<v Speaker 1>this letter. That you're choosing to communicate with your ex

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<v Speaker 1>in a certain way because you don't want them to

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<v Speaker 1>emotionally manipulate you, because you don't feel strong enough yet

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<v Speaker 1>to resist it. That's really big, and I want us

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<v Speaker 1>to have some grace with ourselves and grace with others

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<v Speaker 1>around the fear of going back to bad situations and

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<v Speaker 1>the need to stay away from them by cutting off communication.

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<v Speaker 1>That if I talk to you, you're gonna do what

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<v Speaker 1>you do, You're going to use your magic, You're gonna

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<v Speaker 1>pull me right back in, and then I'm gonna be

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<v Speaker 1>in this cycle of relationship drama. I don't want that,

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<v Speaker 1>so I am choosing not to communicate that ghosting when

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<v Speaker 1>you're aware, is it ghosting when someone knows what the

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<v Speaker 1>reason is, I don't think so, you know, for people

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<v Speaker 1>who like to live in the victimhood of I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know why they're not talking to me, they typically have

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<v Speaker 1>some reason why that they don't want to address, or

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<v Speaker 1>they may be thinking that reason is really not big

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<v Speaker 1>enough to not talk to me. So I know your reason,

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<v Speaker 1>but I do not accept it. And so your ex

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<v Speaker 1>continuously trying to talk to your friend and figure out,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, what's going on with you, what's going on

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<v Speaker 1>with the situation. It is a way to exert some

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<v Speaker 1>control even when you're no longer in that relationship with them.

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<v Speaker 1>So in some way they're still manipulating. And the good

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<v Speaker 1>thing here is you recognize it. One thing about communication.

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<v Speaker 1>When we say something, let's not police ourselves or others

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<v Speaker 1>about the medium in which it's spoken. Sometimes people are, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>you should say it verbally. You can't text that. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>we live in a society where people are getting hired

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<v Speaker 1>by email, fired by email, video chatted for this. Whatever

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<v Speaker 1>way you feel comfortable speaking to someone or not speaking

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<v Speaker 1>to them, I think it's communication. If it's available for

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<v Speaker 1>you to communicate, you can communicate that way. So that

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<v Speaker 1>manipulation piece that really stuck out to me in the

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<v Speaker 1>acknowledgment that I do not have the mental strength to

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<v Speaker 1>speak to this person and that's why I'm not doing it.

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<v Speaker 1>Please respect that I'm hearing you be very clear with

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<v Speaker 1>your friend around your boundaries of hearing certain communication about

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<v Speaker 1>your ex. You're not saying, hey, you can't even have

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<v Speaker 1>relationship with my ex. You're saying, hey, if you have

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<v Speaker 1>this relationship, I prefer not to hear about it. Please

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<v Speaker 1>don't say anything to me. I'm wondering here. We know

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<v Speaker 1>that the ex is manipulating, but could it be that

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<v Speaker 1>the ex is manipulating your friend into thinking that these

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<v Speaker 1>conversations are needed. Could it be that your friend is

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<v Speaker 1>actually manipulating you to get back into this relationship with

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<v Speaker 1>your ex for their own benefit. I don't know, but

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<v Speaker 1>manipulation can be really strong, and so if we've been

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<v Speaker 1>manipulated by a person, chances are they're manipulating other people

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<v Speaker 1>in this relationship system. So when a person is able

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<v Speaker 1>to go to these other people and say, oh, my gosh,

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<v Speaker 1>can you believe so and so did this to me,

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<v Speaker 1>and the other people are like, oh, I can't believe

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<v Speaker 1>they did that to you. But they know you, they

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<v Speaker 1>know your kind, and they're shocked. They are all so

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<v Speaker 1>in this cycle of manipulation. So yes, you place the boundary,

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<v Speaker 1>but it doesn't mean that this person understands the situation

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<v Speaker 1>as deeply as you do. The relationship is different. You

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<v Speaker 1>have romantic interactions with this person, they do not. They're

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<v Speaker 1>stepping in in the friendship space, so that might be

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<v Speaker 1>different for them. After our break, we will get back

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<v Speaker 1>to the caller's letter and let's listen.

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<v Speaker 2>This was a long backstory, but I felt it was

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<v Speaker 2>necessary because after I expressed plainly that I didn't want

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<v Speaker 2>to hear about my ex from my friend, she continued

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<v Speaker 2>to bring them up to me in conversation more than

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<v Speaker 2>once to when arbe did I didn't want to know

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<v Speaker 2>about anything going on with him. Recently, I've been experiencing

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<v Speaker 2>an unknown illness which I hadn't shared with anyone because

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<v Speaker 2>I wasn't ready to talk about it, and that led

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<v Speaker 2>me to the er. A week before I was to

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<v Speaker 2>see my friend and her now husband, I was asked

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<v Speaker 2>to be a part of their union and also document

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<v Speaker 2>it for them. However, my health did not allow me

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<v Speaker 2>to be present. After my visit to the emergency room.

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<v Speaker 2>I informed her that I wouldn't be able to make

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<v Speaker 2>it due to my doctor only being available at the

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<v Speaker 2>same time I was supposed to be present for the festivities.

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<v Speaker 2>After being sent the information for the events to take

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<v Speaker 2>place that weekend, I responded with my regrets of not

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<v Speaker 2>being there, to which I was told that she was

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<v Speaker 2>thinking of inviting my ex in my absence. At first,

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<v Speaker 2>I was in shock because again my ex has been

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<v Speaker 2>known to have tried to pinch information about me, and

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<v Speaker 2>now that I'm not present to something I would naturally

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<v Speaker 2>be there for, they would invite him into information that

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<v Speaker 2>isn't any of his business, whether stated or not. I

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<v Speaker 2>expressed to my friend that I was not sure what

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<v Speaker 2>to do with this information, as before I had mentioned

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<v Speaker 2>that I didn't want my ex brought up to me.

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<v Speaker 2>Her response was to do nothing but receive the information,

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<v Speaker 2>to which I expressed that while I appreciate her communicating

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<v Speaker 2>with me about her choices, I just was not interested

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<v Speaker 2>in hearing anything whatsoever about this person. I informed her

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<v Speaker 2>that I wanted to be left out of the friendship

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<v Speaker 2>and that if she wanted to be friends with this person,

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<v Speaker 2>it was her business and none of mine. I did

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<v Speaker 2>not respond emotionally or reactive. However, I was direct because

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<v Speaker 2>I wanted to be clear. Looking back, though, I was

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<v Speaker 2>hurt and realized that I actually did have issues with

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<v Speaker 2>their friendship, but did not communicate this as this was

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<v Speaker 2>something I fully realized after sitting with what she said

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<v Speaker 2>to me through this time. Because I wasn't there physically,

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<v Speaker 2>I sent flowers to them. I didn't write my name

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<v Speaker 2>on them. I blame my medicated brain, but I also

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<v Speaker 2>felt that like the message on the card made it

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<v Speaker 2>clear that they were for me, and also their ceremony

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<v Speaker 2>was not something known to many people. I was met

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<v Speaker 2>with the silent treatment. Weeks went by and I heard

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<v Speaker 2>nothing from my friends, not even to check on me

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<v Speaker 2>to see how my health was. This is unusual behavior,

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<v Speaker 2>because even with the many things that we have going

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<v Speaker 2>on in our individual lives, she and I still keep

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<v Speaker 2>in contact with each other, if only it is us

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<v Speaker 2>sending pictures to one another.

0:12:55.440 --> 0:12:59.040
<v Speaker 1>Listening to this reminds me of a situation that I

0:12:59.080 --> 0:13:02.680
<v Speaker 1>had years ago where I ended a relationship with a

0:13:02.720 --> 0:13:06.679
<v Speaker 1>friend and I had a family member who would try

0:13:06.720 --> 0:13:10.040
<v Speaker 1>to update me on this person. Now, I wasn't on Facebook,

0:13:10.040 --> 0:13:11.880
<v Speaker 1>but they would say, did you see this on Facebook

0:13:11.880 --> 0:13:13.840
<v Speaker 1>about them? Did you see Well, you know I'm not

0:13:13.920 --> 0:13:15.960
<v Speaker 1>on Facebook, so you know I didn't see those things,

0:13:16.040 --> 0:13:18.800
<v Speaker 1>and so I clearly said please stop bringing them up

0:13:18.840 --> 0:13:21.880
<v Speaker 1>to me. And then the accusation was, you're really mad

0:13:21.920 --> 0:13:24.320
<v Speaker 1>at them, you don't want to hear about them. Well,

0:13:24.360 --> 0:13:27.160
<v Speaker 1>this person is no longer a part of my life,

0:13:27.240 --> 0:13:29.720
<v Speaker 1>and there is no other space where I would be

0:13:29.880 --> 0:13:33.920
<v Speaker 1>constantly reminded of this person. I'm not on Facebook, I'm

0:13:33.920 --> 0:13:37.760
<v Speaker 1>not following them or seeing them out, so to have

0:13:37.880 --> 0:13:44.400
<v Speaker 1>these reminders it can almost be bringing the situation that

0:13:44.600 --> 0:13:49.880
<v Speaker 1>happened in the relationship back up constantly. Right, are you

0:13:50.120 --> 0:13:55.800
<v Speaker 1>in disagreement with me wanting something healthier for myself? I

0:13:55.880 --> 0:14:00.640
<v Speaker 1>wonder if people have a different perception of what the

0:14:00.679 --> 0:14:04.959
<v Speaker 1>situation is or how it should have ended, and that's

0:14:05.040 --> 0:14:08.199
<v Speaker 1>why they're bringing this stuff up, because they're like, wait,

0:14:08.400 --> 0:14:11.960
<v Speaker 1>did you make the right choice? Well, here's the thing.

0:14:12.080 --> 0:14:14.600
<v Speaker 1>It may not have been the right choice for them,

0:14:15.000 --> 0:14:17.560
<v Speaker 1>but it is the right choice for you. So you

0:14:17.960 --> 0:14:23.360
<v Speaker 1>have the autonomy to say, I no longer want to

0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:26.320
<v Speaker 1>be in this relationship with this person, please stop bringing

0:14:26.360 --> 0:14:31.360
<v Speaker 1>them up. And you restated what you wanted please stop

0:14:31.400 --> 0:14:34.240
<v Speaker 1>bringing this person up. And it's true. You know, maybe

0:14:34.240 --> 0:14:35.800
<v Speaker 1>you say, hey, I don't care if you all have

0:14:35.880 --> 0:14:38.600
<v Speaker 1>a friendship, it's really not a big deal, and then

0:14:38.720 --> 0:14:40.720
<v Speaker 1>maybe you think about it and you're like, actually, I

0:14:40.760 --> 0:14:43.080
<v Speaker 1>do care. Here's the thing. You could care and still

0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:46.440
<v Speaker 1>do nothing about it. Right, They can still have their friendship,

0:14:46.760 --> 0:14:49.160
<v Speaker 1>but you should not be a part of their friendship.

0:14:49.240 --> 0:14:51.680
<v Speaker 1>Your name should not be brought up. There are so

0:14:51.840 --> 0:14:56.080
<v Speaker 1>many things that people can talk about outside of the

0:14:56.120 --> 0:15:00.160
<v Speaker 1>relationship they have with you, or you at all, their

0:15:00.240 --> 0:15:04.880
<v Speaker 1>only connection is you. Do they really have a connection

0:15:05.320 --> 0:15:08.680
<v Speaker 1>if they have to constantly bring you up as a thing.

0:15:08.800 --> 0:15:12.480
<v Speaker 1>I wonder if you're still really lingering in the relationship

0:15:12.520 --> 0:15:14.120
<v Speaker 1>for them. And I know that's a part of it

0:15:14.120 --> 0:15:18.400
<v Speaker 1>that you can't control, but perhaps there is some conversation

0:15:18.560 --> 0:15:20.720
<v Speaker 1>that could be had around that, like what is your

0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:23.760
<v Speaker 1>connection to this person? Because if you have to bring

0:15:23.800 --> 0:15:26.000
<v Speaker 1>me up, if you have to pull me into the

0:15:26.040 --> 0:15:29.560
<v Speaker 1>mix of this, the relationship that you have with them

0:15:29.640 --> 0:15:32.560
<v Speaker 1>is not independent of me. And it sounds like we

0:15:32.720 --> 0:15:35.280
<v Speaker 1>need to be a group in order for you to

0:15:35.320 --> 0:15:38.320
<v Speaker 1>have a relationship, and I am out the group. So

0:15:38.480 --> 0:15:41.320
<v Speaker 1>do you even have a relationship with this person or

0:15:41.400 --> 0:15:44.480
<v Speaker 1>is it just you know, this three person party that

0:15:44.520 --> 0:15:48.000
<v Speaker 1>we always have to have. I am no longer in

0:15:48.120 --> 0:15:51.040
<v Speaker 1>that group. I hear you saying it, I hear you

0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:55.840
<v Speaker 1>responding behaviorally to it. And you can't control if they

0:15:55.880 --> 0:15:58.560
<v Speaker 1>have that relationship, but you can certainly be upset about it.

0:15:58.600 --> 0:16:00.720
<v Speaker 1>I'm in it. It does hurt when you end a

0:16:00.760 --> 0:16:05.160
<v Speaker 1>relationship with one person and people choose to stand the

0:16:05.200 --> 0:16:08.720
<v Speaker 1>relationship with them. I think that happens sometimes when we

0:16:09.520 --> 0:16:12.800
<v Speaker 1>terminate romantic relationships, when we get a divorce, when we

0:16:13.040 --> 0:16:16.840
<v Speaker 1>end friendships, when we're in friend groups. That is also

0:16:16.960 --> 0:16:19.360
<v Speaker 1>what makes it really hard to leave those things, because

0:16:19.400 --> 0:16:23.800
<v Speaker 1>you know the other people have this relationship, but in

0:16:23.840 --> 0:16:28.040
<v Speaker 1>a healthy way, they can continue those relationships without you

0:16:28.160 --> 0:16:30.440
<v Speaker 1>being a part of it. There are many things that

0:16:30.880 --> 0:16:34.280
<v Speaker 1>they may have in common and may enjoy that have

0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:38.720
<v Speaker 1>nothing to do with you. We're going to keep listening.

0:16:38.920 --> 0:16:40.000
<v Speaker 1>After our next break.

0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:48.480
<v Speaker 2>After not hearing from her for three weeks, I sent

0:16:48.520 --> 0:16:50.800
<v Speaker 2>a message asking if they had gotten the flowers I sent,

0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:54.520
<v Speaker 2>to which I received a long response in short saying

0:16:54.960 --> 0:16:57.200
<v Speaker 2>yes that they were received, that she was sorry for

0:16:57.240 --> 0:17:00.080
<v Speaker 2>not responding to my message because she felt my energy

0:17:00.200 --> 0:17:01.720
<v Speaker 2>in what I said, and that she didn't want to

0:17:01.720 --> 0:17:06.040
<v Speaker 2>respond emotionally. I responded by stating that maybe we can

0:17:06.080 --> 0:17:07.960
<v Speaker 2>hop on a call one of these days and talk.

0:17:08.280 --> 0:17:11.119
<v Speaker 2>Based on how she responded with my last message via text,

0:17:11.359 --> 0:17:15.200
<v Speaker 2>speaking verbally seemed best. We haven't spoken over the phone yet.

0:17:15.680 --> 0:17:18.640
<v Speaker 2>I've had some changes in my health and also experienced

0:17:18.720 --> 0:17:22.720
<v Speaker 2>some deaths. Additionally, I am hurt that I'm seemingly the

0:17:22.760 --> 0:17:25.520
<v Speaker 2>only one in the dynamic willing to initiate dialogue, and

0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:27.320
<v Speaker 2>all the while, she hasn't checked on me at all

0:17:27.400 --> 0:17:30.719
<v Speaker 2>since I told her about my health. After mentioning talking

0:17:30.720 --> 0:17:32.879
<v Speaker 2>on the phone, she sent me photos from their wedding

0:17:32.960 --> 0:17:35.760
<v Speaker 2>that my ex took, which felt like even a further

0:17:35.800 --> 0:17:38.639
<v Speaker 2>slap in the face. I'm not exactly sure how are

0:17:38.640 --> 0:17:40.560
<v Speaker 2>im supposed to move forward As she's reached out to

0:17:40.560 --> 0:17:43.040
<v Speaker 2>talk to me about her child. I'm the godmother and

0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:46.120
<v Speaker 2>he was sick, and to me it felt emotionally manipulative

0:17:46.160 --> 0:17:49.040
<v Speaker 2>because she knows how I feel about children. I'm not

0:17:49.040 --> 0:17:51.200
<v Speaker 2>sure if what I explained makes sense, but I would

0:17:51.240 --> 0:17:52.919
<v Speaker 2>like some insight. Thank you.

0:17:54.160 --> 0:17:57.800
<v Speaker 1>I'm thinking of all the ways you can honor your

0:17:57.880 --> 0:18:02.400
<v Speaker 1>own boundary without involving them or having them to do

0:18:02.440 --> 0:18:07.280
<v Speaker 1>the hard work. So if someone is sending you pictures

0:18:07.320 --> 0:18:12.359
<v Speaker 1>of things that they did with your ex, is it

0:18:12.480 --> 0:18:17.360
<v Speaker 1>possible to not respond and maybe the more you don't respond,

0:18:17.400 --> 0:18:21.240
<v Speaker 1>the less they send the pictures. That's a way. Also,

0:18:21.320 --> 0:18:24.520
<v Speaker 1>whenever they bring up your ex, is it possible to

0:18:24.960 --> 0:18:28.159
<v Speaker 1>maybe change the subject and say, Hey, I said I

0:18:28.200 --> 0:18:30.680
<v Speaker 1>don't want to talk about this person and change the subject.

0:18:31.119 --> 0:18:35.080
<v Speaker 1>That's a way. Is it possible to say, hey, is

0:18:35.119 --> 0:18:37.399
<v Speaker 1>this person going to be at this thing? Okay, well

0:18:37.440 --> 0:18:39.320
<v Speaker 1>I will choose not to come because I don't want

0:18:39.359 --> 0:18:42.600
<v Speaker 1>to be in that space with this person. I think so.

0:18:42.840 --> 0:18:45.240
<v Speaker 1>I think there are many ways to address this because

0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:49.320
<v Speaker 1>it sounds like you want to keep this relationship, and

0:18:49.359 --> 0:18:53.000
<v Speaker 1>if you decide to do this with this person, that

0:18:53.080 --> 0:18:55.200
<v Speaker 1>might be a part of it. They may always bring

0:18:55.240 --> 0:18:58.560
<v Speaker 1>this thing up, so you know the story I told

0:18:58.640 --> 0:19:02.439
<v Speaker 1>you earlier, that person continued to bring it up, and

0:19:02.480 --> 0:19:04.840
<v Speaker 1>I just you know, I'd use some different tactics. I

0:19:04.840 --> 0:19:06.840
<v Speaker 1>would change the subject. I would say, hey, I told

0:19:06.840 --> 0:19:08.640
<v Speaker 1>you don't want to hear about it. I would get

0:19:08.680 --> 0:19:11.920
<v Speaker 1>more assertive with my boundary because it was very clear

0:19:12.200 --> 0:19:16.359
<v Speaker 1>it was restated. But I think when people are pushing back.

0:19:16.920 --> 0:19:21.040
<v Speaker 1>They're saying, I don't respect what you're asking me. I

0:19:21.040 --> 0:19:24.119
<v Speaker 1>don't respect what you say. You can decide, you know,

0:19:24.280 --> 0:19:26.800
<v Speaker 1>if I want to be in this relationship, how do

0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:29.800
<v Speaker 1>I show up with this person exhibiting this behavior of

0:19:30.040 --> 0:19:33.960
<v Speaker 1>ignoring what I'm asking them? Or you could decide, you know,

0:19:34.080 --> 0:19:36.040
<v Speaker 1>this is such a big thing. I don't know if

0:19:36.080 --> 0:19:37.879
<v Speaker 1>I want to be in a relationship with a person

0:19:37.880 --> 0:19:42.240
<v Speaker 1>who does this, that is your choice. I do wonder.

0:19:42.480 --> 0:19:45.959
<v Speaker 1>You know, you met this friend in twenty nineteen, and

0:19:46.040 --> 0:19:49.720
<v Speaker 1>it sounds like it was this pal group, and you

0:19:49.720 --> 0:19:52.760
<v Speaker 1>know things were going well until they weren't. What are

0:19:52.800 --> 0:19:58.000
<v Speaker 1>you trying to recover here with this friend? What sort

0:19:58.040 --> 0:20:02.359
<v Speaker 1>of things are you trying to get from this situation

0:20:02.520 --> 0:20:06.720
<v Speaker 1>with this person? Is this person even your friend type anymore?

0:20:07.480 --> 0:20:10.400
<v Speaker 1>Because sometimes when we have friendships, we're in them for

0:20:10.480 --> 0:20:13.600
<v Speaker 1>so long that we're changing, we're changing, we're changing, and

0:20:13.680 --> 0:20:16.240
<v Speaker 1>next thing you know, this person isn't even your friend

0:20:16.280 --> 0:20:19.399
<v Speaker 1>type anymore. At this stage, at this age, the things

0:20:19.440 --> 0:20:21.879
<v Speaker 1>that you like to do, they are completely different than

0:20:21.920 --> 0:20:25.040
<v Speaker 1>who you were five years ago, or you know, ten

0:20:25.119 --> 0:20:27.760
<v Speaker 1>years ago when you met this person, even four years ago.

0:20:28.200 --> 0:20:32.320
<v Speaker 1>So is this person the type of person if you

0:20:32.560 --> 0:20:35.800
<v Speaker 1>met them today, you would be in a relationship with

0:20:35.880 --> 0:20:38.239
<v Speaker 1>this person all of the things that they're exhibiting if

0:20:38.280 --> 0:20:42.000
<v Speaker 1>you met them today, would this be your friend? Would

0:20:42.040 --> 0:20:44.119
<v Speaker 1>this be a person that you want to be in

0:20:44.160 --> 0:20:48.159
<v Speaker 1>community with, or is this someone that you would have

0:20:48.240 --> 0:20:55.359
<v Speaker 1>some sort of associate level relationship. There are some friendships

0:20:55.400 --> 0:20:58.760
<v Speaker 1>that are not as close as other friendships, and in

0:20:58.800 --> 0:21:02.480
<v Speaker 1>those cases, maybe this is one of those situations where

0:21:02.760 --> 0:21:06.720
<v Speaker 1>the closeness that you used to share it's not necessarily

0:21:06.760 --> 0:21:10.919
<v Speaker 1>there anymore. And this is a relationship that you know,

0:21:11.040 --> 0:21:14.280
<v Speaker 1>you speak on occasion, it may not be what it

0:21:14.320 --> 0:21:17.600
<v Speaker 1>once was. Can it transform? Can it be something different?

0:21:17.960 --> 0:21:20.439
<v Speaker 1>Perhaps you should allow it because right now what I

0:21:20.480 --> 0:21:25.000
<v Speaker 1>see is this resistance and pushing for something that there

0:21:25.080 --> 0:21:28.840
<v Speaker 1>is no room to have in this friendship. If you

0:21:29.000 --> 0:21:33.320
<v Speaker 1>were to accept everything that's being offered, what would look

0:21:33.359 --> 0:21:36.920
<v Speaker 1>different in this friendship? What would look different with how

0:21:37.000 --> 0:21:41.480
<v Speaker 1>you engage with this person? You need to hear this.

0:21:45.240 --> 0:21:49.439
<v Speaker 1>When we are thinking about going back to relationships that

0:21:49.560 --> 0:21:55.280
<v Speaker 1>have had some challenges or repairing relationships, our biggest question

0:21:55.440 --> 0:21:59.200
<v Speaker 1>should be what are we trying to recover? What's there,

0:21:59.400 --> 0:22:07.440
<v Speaker 1>what's less? What can be sometimes we are more hopeful

0:22:07.960 --> 0:22:12.840
<v Speaker 1>than we are realistic. There is nothing there that would

0:22:13.000 --> 0:22:16.400
<v Speaker 1>keep us in this relationship. If we showed up to

0:22:16.440 --> 0:22:20.600
<v Speaker 1>it today, maybe the past situations would draw us back in.

0:22:20.680 --> 0:22:24.920
<v Speaker 1>But if I showed up today as this situation is,

0:22:25.760 --> 0:22:30.240
<v Speaker 1>would I choose this? That's a really important question to

0:22:30.400 --> 0:22:35.600
<v Speaker 1>ask yourself when you're thinking about recovering and repairing some

0:22:35.680 --> 0:22:40.200
<v Speaker 1>of these connections that might need to be accepted as

0:22:40.240 --> 0:22:47.159
<v Speaker 1>they are. You need to hear this is an iHeart

0:22:47.200 --> 0:22:52.480
<v Speaker 1>production hosted by Mendra Glover to wob Our executive producer

0:22:52.720 --> 0:22:56.359
<v Speaker 1>is Joe L. Baldique. Our senior producer and editor is

0:22:56.480 --> 0:22:59.920
<v Speaker 1>Mia don Taylor. Send us a voice memo with your

0:23:00.119 --> 0:23:04.480
<v Speaker 1>questions about boundaries and relationships at You need to hear

0:23:04.560 --> 0:23:08.720
<v Speaker 1>this at iHeartMedia dot com. Please be sure to rate

0:23:08.800 --> 0:23:11.920
<v Speaker 1>our show wherever you listen to it, and share this

0:23:12.080 --> 0:23:15.919
<v Speaker 1>episode with someone who needs to hear this. Talk to

0:23:15.960 --> 0:23:16.680
<v Speaker 1>you next time.