WEBVTT - 4 Steps to Build Emotional Maturity & Make Relationships Last (Tom Bilyeu Interviews Jay) 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:04.480 When we're left alone to ourselves, we hear things that 0:00:04.559 --> 0:00:06.960 we may not be comfortable with. I don't like where 0:00:06.960 --> 0:00:09.680 my life is going. I'm not happy with how I look. 0:00:10.000 --> 0:00:12.600 Everyone else is doing better than me. Oh they just 0:00:12.640 --> 0:00:16.600 got proposed to, and I'm still alone. All those thoughts 0:00:17.360 --> 0:00:21.599 get space to actually be heard is when you're scrolling. 0:00:21.640 --> 0:00:24.400 It's like, oh, they got proposed. Oh cute bunny. Oh 0:00:24.520 --> 0:00:27.760 like you, You're not even listening, you're scrolling away thoughts. 0:00:34.600 --> 0:00:37.360 Tell me, what is the secret that you've learned from 0:00:37.479 --> 0:00:39.839 monks on how to master yourself? 0:00:40.159 --> 0:00:42.159 I think one of the first things that I'd suggest 0:00:42.440 --> 0:00:44.519 and explain to people is that when I lived as 0:00:44.560 --> 0:00:47.560 a monk, a lot of the wisdom that we studied 0:00:48.240 --> 0:00:53.160 and the Eastern literatures that we spent time excavating, those 0:00:53.240 --> 0:00:55.639 were not aimed at monks. Those were just aimed at 0:00:55.680 --> 0:00:58.120 humanity when they were written. When they were written, they 0:00:58.120 --> 0:01:00.680 weren't talking about the Vaders. Correct, are the vaders? 0:01:00.720 --> 0:01:01.040 Exactly? 0:01:01.080 --> 0:01:01.120 So? 0:01:01.160 --> 0:01:05.280 The Vaders are five thousand year old texts that literally 0:01:05.319 --> 0:01:09.160 talk about everything from aira vada, which is the science 0:01:09.200 --> 0:01:13.280 of health. So Veda means wisdom or science of and 0:01:13.319 --> 0:01:15.800 so ara vada is the science of life, the science 0:01:15.840 --> 0:01:20.479 of health. You have their own version of Vastu Vader, 0:01:20.560 --> 0:01:23.959 which is closest to FUNCTIONU. So like how to design 0:01:23.959 --> 0:01:26.479 your home, how to set up different things around your 0:01:26.480 --> 0:01:31.240 home for purposeful esthetics. You have the science of warfare 0:01:31.480 --> 0:01:34.520 in the Vaders. Oh yeah, so there's a whole text 0:01:34.920 --> 0:01:38.240 dedicated how do you reconcile that? You reconcile that in 0:01:38.280 --> 0:01:42.480 the sense of there's knowledge and wisdom on how to 0:01:42.920 --> 0:01:47.840 properly do each aspect with integrity, with purpose from a 0:01:47.840 --> 0:01:51.120 point of protection. Recognizing I think me and you can 0:01:51.160 --> 0:01:55.320 probably vibe with this the idea that we all want 0:01:55.360 --> 0:01:57.280 a world. I think we'd all like a world that 0:01:57.400 --> 0:02:01.440 has no war. But if we live in a world 0:02:01.640 --> 0:02:04.440 pretending that there is none of that and then we're 0:02:04.440 --> 0:02:07.720 not prepared for it, that sets us up worse. And 0:02:07.760 --> 0:02:09.480 I think, whether you look at that on the macro 0:02:09.639 --> 0:02:12.000 of war, or you look at on the micro of 0:02:12.040 --> 0:02:16.680 anxiety or stress or pressure, if we pretend that stress 0:02:16.720 --> 0:02:19.040 doesn't exist, it doesn't make it go away, it doesn't 0:02:19.080 --> 0:02:19.680 make it better. 0:02:19.919 --> 0:02:22.480 But being prepared for it. 0:02:21.840 --> 0:02:25.959 Actually allows us to potentially avoid it, potentially navigate it 0:02:26.040 --> 0:02:29.000 with more integrity and authenticity. And today, I feel like 0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:33.000 when you don't have codes for difficult things in society, 0:02:33.360 --> 0:02:36.600 you see people make really bad mistakes. You see people 0:02:36.680 --> 0:02:40.799 not having a codebook or a rule book on leadership, 0:02:41.160 --> 0:02:43.120 and that's what it leads to. You see people not 0:02:43.240 --> 0:02:46.880 having a codebook or rule book on how to navigate war, 0:02:47.320 --> 0:02:49.440 and therefore people do what they feel like. And so 0:02:49.480 --> 0:02:51.760 I find that what the Vedas we're trying to do 0:02:52.000 --> 0:02:54.679 was give you a set of code and a set 0:02:54.720 --> 0:02:58.280 of rules and a set of limits so that you 0:02:58.280 --> 0:03:04.200 would be more controlled, more more, more greedless, more negative 0:03:04.280 --> 0:03:07.840 desire less in those situations, so that you wouldn't be 0:03:08.400 --> 0:03:11.720 pulled into something by your ego, but you could actually 0:03:12.040 --> 0:03:14.000 go back to something that would help you get there 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:17.000 to get the best result for people in humanity. And 0:03:17.040 --> 0:03:19.120 I think that's what's so special about the Vedas, that 0:03:19.240 --> 0:03:23.519 ultimately it's dedicated to uplifting humanity through each of these 0:03:23.520 --> 0:03:25.480 different things that we experience in life. 0:03:25.840 --> 0:03:28.079 It was really interesting to hear you talk about the 0:03:28.320 --> 0:03:30.440 part in I think it was in the Vedas about 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:32.120 the guy who's to prepare for war and you're talking 0:03:32.120 --> 0:03:33.799 about even good people have to learn how to fight. 0:03:33.919 --> 0:03:36.839 Found that really interesting. But the book starts with solitude. Yes, 0:03:37.760 --> 0:03:40.280 why solitude, because that was a part where I was like, Okay, 0:03:40.320 --> 0:03:43.640 here's where the monk part is coming into this. And 0:03:43.720 --> 0:03:46.360 I think it's pretty important for people to be able 0:03:46.400 --> 0:03:50.080 to be alone before they try to get into a relationship. 0:03:50.280 --> 0:03:54.720 Yeah, I think we've created this feeling in society where 0:03:54.840 --> 0:03:59.280 loneliness is the enemy, Like being alone is seen as 0:03:59.280 --> 0:04:03.720 a weakness. So when someone goes to school and throws 0:04:03.760 --> 0:04:07.080 a birthday party and not many people show up, you're unpopular, 0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:10.440 Whereas if lots of people showed up, you were really important, 0:04:10.480 --> 0:04:10.720 you were. 0:04:10.720 --> 0:04:13.000 Significant, brutal. I can think of a few things that 0:04:13.040 --> 0:04:14.920 would be more devastating to a kid than no one 0:04:15.000 --> 0:04:16.279 showing up to your birthday exactly. 0:04:16.279 --> 0:04:19.039 And that's how it's flamed, that's how it's talked about. 0:04:19.560 --> 0:04:20.880 And then the next thing is. 0:04:20.760 --> 0:04:23.120 Like, would you tell your kids if they if they 0:04:23.160 --> 0:04:24.880 went to have a birthday party and nobody showed up 0:04:24.880 --> 0:04:27.840 to day? Would you really be like, hey, solitude is 0:04:27.839 --> 0:04:28.919 a good thing, Like how would you? 0:04:29.080 --> 0:04:30.240 Well, I'm not that so. 0:04:30.480 --> 0:04:32.600 I can't say, But what I would say is that 0:04:33.440 --> 0:04:36.280 I would change it in the invite process, So I 0:04:36.279 --> 0:04:39.160 would ask them to only invite people that they felt 0:04:39.200 --> 0:04:41.320 really connected to or they felt they've really vibed with them, 0:04:41.320 --> 0:04:43.560 wanted to celebrate their birthday with. So I think the 0:04:43.640 --> 0:04:45.280 challenges when you're a kid, you also hand out way 0:04:45.279 --> 0:04:47.720 too many invites. So I think that's what ends up 0:04:47.720 --> 0:04:50.719 happening is that you think a good birthday party is 0:04:50.760 --> 0:04:53.280 a packed room and even I mean people still feel 0:04:53.279 --> 0:04:55.559 that till they're fifty sixty seventy, like that is until 0:04:55.600 --> 0:04:58.120 the way dead, until they're dead, right, Like you feel 0:04:58.120 --> 0:05:00.520 a good birthday party or a good event, even when 0:05:00.560 --> 0:05:02.839 people say, like when I die, like, if there's loads 0:05:02.839 --> 0:05:05.280 of people there, that will be a thing. I think 0:05:05.360 --> 0:05:07.920 we've just programmed ourselves to believe that if we're not 0:05:08.240 --> 0:05:12.480 surrounded by people, we can't celebrate, and we can't be celebrated. 0:05:12.880 --> 0:05:14.960 It has to be about scale of how many people 0:05:15.040 --> 0:05:18.120 are there. And I would say that's one measurement, but 0:05:18.240 --> 0:05:20.680 the other men's measurement is the depth of how well 0:05:20.680 --> 0:05:22.760 they know you. I know tons of people who threw 0:05:22.800 --> 0:05:26.000 a great birthday party at fifty five hundred people showed 0:05:26.080 --> 0:05:27.800 up and they felt actually I went, actually I went 0:05:27.800 --> 0:05:29.160 to a birthday party this year. It was a big 0:05:29.160 --> 0:05:32.320 birthday party, and I was speaking to the person whose 0:05:32.360 --> 0:05:35.480 party it was and they were, like, so many people 0:05:35.560 --> 0:05:38.800 invited people I didn't know to my birthday party and 0:05:38.839 --> 0:05:42.599 they felt lonely at their own birthday party. I don't 0:05:42.640 --> 0:05:44.280 want If I have had kids, I won't want them 0:05:44.279 --> 0:05:47.760 to feel that, And even for myself, I don't want 0:05:47.800 --> 0:05:48.520 to be in that position. 0:05:48.560 --> 0:05:49.360 I'd rather have. 0:05:50.400 --> 0:05:53.440 I saw this thing on Instagram and it was someone 0:05:53.480 --> 0:05:56.120 that posted like it was like a ten this is 0:05:56.160 --> 0:05:59.920 a British currency. It was like tenpence and then one pound, 0:06:00.520 --> 0:06:05.800 and so tenpence is larger circumference than the pound, but 0:06:05.880 --> 0:06:08.720 the pound is greater in value. And so the caption 0:06:08.880 --> 0:06:11.440 on Instagram said that my circle is shrunk in size, 0:06:11.720 --> 0:06:14.880 but is increased in value. And I was thinking that that, 0:06:15.080 --> 0:06:17.640 to me, resembles the kind of life I would want 0:06:17.960 --> 0:06:21.279 for myself and for my children if I had them. 0:06:21.720 --> 0:06:24.159 But if I could have both, that would be amazing, obviously, 0:06:24.600 --> 0:06:26.159 But I don't know how real it is to be 0:06:26.160 --> 0:06:28.760 able to say we can have both. So I think 0:06:28.760 --> 0:06:31.479 what I'm trying to say with solitude is that if 0:06:31.520 --> 0:06:36.520 there isn't a sense that I am happy with myself, 0:06:36.880 --> 0:06:40.480 with my own company with the thoughts that circle around 0:06:40.480 --> 0:06:44.240 in my mind. Imagine how complex that is when you 0:06:44.360 --> 0:06:48.920 add another confused individual who's not happy with their thoughts, 0:06:49.080 --> 0:06:51.680 not happy with who they are, not happy with their mind, 0:06:52.040 --> 0:06:55.160 and now in a relationship, you're putting two confused people together. 0:06:55.880 --> 0:06:58.919 Why is their pain, why is their fallout? Why is 0:06:58.960 --> 0:07:03.120 there so much disappointment in a relationship? In my opinion 0:07:03.320 --> 0:07:05.680 and from the perspective of the Eastern studies, is that 0:07:06.200 --> 0:07:10.040 because there's an internal dissatisfaction in both people that they're 0:07:10.040 --> 0:07:12.880 now bringing to each other, and so the strength of 0:07:12.920 --> 0:07:18.680 solitude is using that time. I've still not found a 0:07:18.720 --> 0:07:25.640 better solution for self awareness than solitude, because in solitude, 0:07:25.680 --> 0:07:27.840 it's the only place you get to hear your own 0:07:28.000 --> 0:07:32.520 voice and make sense of other people's opinions. If I'm 0:07:32.600 --> 0:07:34.800 standing in the middle of a group of one hundred 0:07:34.800 --> 0:07:38.000 people and they're all yelling their opinions at me, chances 0:07:38.040 --> 0:07:39.560 are some of them are going to rub off, some 0:07:39.600 --> 0:07:41.720 of them are contagious, some of them are going to 0:07:41.760 --> 0:07:44.320 reject And I don't get the space and time to 0:07:44.400 --> 0:07:48.560 make sense of what's my voice and what's noise, Whereas 0:07:48.560 --> 0:07:53.480 when I get time to myself I get the opportunity 0:07:53.560 --> 0:07:56.880 to reflect on and introspect and go do I want 0:07:56.920 --> 0:08:00.120 that thought to be mine? How does that fit in 0:08:00.120 --> 0:08:02.720 to my life? How do I feel about this? 0:08:02.920 --> 0:08:03.040 Right? 0:08:03.080 --> 0:08:05.200 You get to have that dialogue with yourself, and I 0:08:05.200 --> 0:08:09.880 feel we've lost the art of self talk and self dialogue. 0:08:10.880 --> 0:08:14.000 Well, let's go into it. So what is that art? 0:08:14.040 --> 0:08:17.840 Like the if you put a human being in solitary confinement, 0:08:17.840 --> 0:08:20.520 you will break them in a deep and fundamental and 0:08:20.720 --> 0:08:23.920 scary way that I wouldn't have predicted. That seems very 0:08:23.960 --> 0:08:26.600 weird to me. I know it to be true, not 0:08:26.640 --> 0:08:29.400 because I've experienced it, but because you just hear it 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:31.320 over and over and over and over, like, if you 0:08:31.360 --> 0:08:34.679 really want to destroy the human spirit, isolate them. So 0:08:34.960 --> 0:08:37.080 how is it that we take this thing that will, 0:08:37.200 --> 0:08:40.640 on a long enough timeline, absolutely decimate you and make 0:08:40.679 --> 0:08:45.040 it something that becomes the most profound setup for self awareness? 0:08:45.160 --> 0:08:47.160 What do you have to do in that solitude? 0:08:47.200 --> 0:08:47.480 Yeah? 0:08:47.559 --> 0:08:50.320 So the first thing I'd say is that it would 0:08:50.360 --> 0:08:52.680 decimate you if you go into it twenty four hours 0:08:52.720 --> 0:08:53.080 a day. 0:08:53.520 --> 0:08:55.960 And that's not what we're recommending here, right, I'm. 0:08:55.800 --> 0:08:58.480 Not telling someone to twenty four hours be in solitude 0:08:59.040 --> 0:09:02.280 for a year, Like, that's not my recommendation. My recommendation 0:09:02.440 --> 0:09:05.559 is in your week, there has to be at least 0:09:05.679 --> 0:09:08.920 one hour that you spend by yourself. And in that hour, 0:09:09.320 --> 0:09:12.199 you're not watching a show, you're not reading a book, 0:09:12.679 --> 0:09:17.200 you're not on your phone scrolling, so you're not distracting 0:09:17.200 --> 0:09:20.840 yourself with anything or stimulating yourself with anything external, and 0:09:20.880 --> 0:09:23.960 you're sitting there and just observing your thoughts. Now, one 0:09:23.960 --> 0:09:25.480 hour is going to seem like a long time in 0:09:25.520 --> 0:09:28.000 the beginning, but I'm saying one hour would be great 0:09:28.080 --> 0:09:30.760 in a week. If you're starting that at ten minutes, 0:09:31.280 --> 0:09:32.800 that's brilliant, that's enough. 0:09:33.200 --> 0:09:34.400 But the goal is it enough? 0:09:34.520 --> 0:09:36.559 Like? Are you being kind? Are you trying to let 0:09:36.559 --> 0:09:38.400 people off the hook? Are you worried about people flaming 0:09:38.400 --> 0:09:40.920 you in the comments? Like you meditate two hours a day? 0:09:41.040 --> 0:09:44.560 I'm not mistaken, Yes, So what should people do for real? 0:09:45.440 --> 0:09:47.440 I do believe that ten minutes is a good place 0:09:47.480 --> 0:09:49.040 to start, because I do feel that. 0:09:49.320 --> 0:09:50.200 You shouldn't stay there. 0:09:50.679 --> 0:09:52.360 You shouldn't stay at ten minutes. I should grow. 0:09:52.760 --> 0:09:54.080 I think I look at it as like when you 0:09:54.120 --> 0:09:56.320 do a colpelndze right for the first time. So The 0:09:56.320 --> 0:09:57.839 first time I did a Colpelanze, I was doing it 0:09:57.880 --> 0:10:01.240 with a friend and they were they'd been already doing 0:10:01.280 --> 0:10:03.760 it for a long time, and I didn't want to 0:10:03.840 --> 0:10:06.760 walk out and I couldn't do it, and so I 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:09.679 stayed in there. Yeah, literally, so I stayed in there 0:10:09.720 --> 0:10:11.520 for longer than I wanted to the first time I 0:10:11.559 --> 0:10:13.600 did it. So if I did it myself the first time, 0:10:13.600 --> 0:10:14.920 I think I would have been there for thirty seconds. 0:10:14.960 --> 0:10:16.319 The first time I did it for five. 0:10:16.120 --> 0:10:17.920 Minutes, because I was in there with someone who is 0:10:17.920 --> 0:10:19.959 in this we're fully simmid five minutes. It was great 0:10:20.200 --> 0:10:23.120 fully simmized up to here right, not fully summized. And 0:10:23.200 --> 0:10:26.240 so when I look at that, and I look at 0:10:26.240 --> 0:10:29.800 something that I found challenging when I did it, I 0:10:29.840 --> 0:10:31.560 was like, if someone told me I had to be 0:10:31.640 --> 0:10:33.200 in there for ten minutes the first time I did it, 0:10:33.240 --> 0:10:36.040 I potentially would never have got in right. And the 0:10:36.120 --> 0:10:38.240 idea that I could have started with thirty seconds and 0:10:38.240 --> 0:10:40.319 built myself up to three minutes and then built myself 0:10:40.360 --> 0:10:42.720 up to five minutes, I really do like that process. 0:10:42.760 --> 0:10:44.160 And I think you have to and this is self 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:46.760 awareness again. You have to know whether you're someone who 0:10:46.800 --> 0:10:49.040 likes to be thrown in the deep end, or whether 0:10:49.080 --> 0:10:52.880 you're someone who likes to build up incrementally. I'm generally 0:10:52.920 --> 0:10:54.840 someone who jumps into the deepend So I was pushed 0:10:54.880 --> 0:10:57.120 in for five minutes and that works for me, because 0:10:57.120 --> 0:10:58.840 for me, I'm the kind of person needs to be 0:10:58.880 --> 0:11:02.360 pushed off to break the mental barrier to then go 0:11:02.400 --> 0:11:04.960 back and build a habit. That's my self awareness. I 0:11:05.000 --> 0:11:07.439 became a monk in order to learn these things. I'm 0:11:07.440 --> 0:11:11.000 an extreme person. That's how I learn and build habits. 0:11:11.240 --> 0:11:13.480 But someone else goes to me. Actually, Jay, I like 0:11:13.720 --> 0:11:15.800 meditating for five minutes a day, and it works for me, 0:11:15.840 --> 0:11:18.040 and now I have confidence I can do ten minutes 0:11:18.040 --> 0:11:19.760 a day, I can do fifteen and I love that. 0:11:19.840 --> 0:11:22.320 So I don't think it's an either or I genuinely don't. 0:11:22.360 --> 0:11:24.080 That's not a cop out. I think you have to 0:11:24.080 --> 0:11:25.959 know who you are, and so if I want to 0:11:26.040 --> 0:11:30.120 learn something, I'll schedule the whole weekend. If I wanted 0:11:30.160 --> 0:11:32.600 to learn archery, I would set up archery classes for 0:11:32.640 --> 0:11:35.160 eight hours a day all weekend. I wouldn't learn it 0:11:35.160 --> 0:11:37.199 by doing archery once a week because I want to 0:11:37.200 --> 0:11:40.800 figure out whether I'm deeply interested and care about this 0:11:41.040 --> 0:11:43.320 enough to actually commit to it weekly. 0:11:43.840 --> 0:11:45.440 But that's my mindset, that's who I am. 0:11:45.440 --> 0:11:47.240 So I think the first thing I say is ten 0:11:47.280 --> 0:11:50.800 minutes alone every week where you sit and you just 0:11:51.040 --> 0:11:55.559 observe your thoughts and write down every thought that comes up. 0:11:55.800 --> 0:11:59.079 This is weird. I hate this. It's boring. 0:12:01.000 --> 0:12:02.520 I can't believe Jay and Tom told me to do 0:12:02.559 --> 0:12:04.520 this right, like whatever else is coming up, and write 0:12:04.559 --> 0:12:09.560 it down and just become comfortable becoming aware of your thoughts. 0:12:09.559 --> 0:12:11.560 And what you find is that the first time you 0:12:11.640 --> 0:12:14.040 do this, it is just going to be random noise 0:12:14.160 --> 0:12:16.520 like that, what shall I eat tonight? What's going on? 0:12:16.559 --> 0:12:18.040 It's just going to be that stuff. It might be 0:12:18.120 --> 0:12:21.319 I hate this, I'm uncomfortable, this is not fun on 0:12:21.480 --> 0:12:23.960 board like it will just be natural dialogue like that. 0:12:24.040 --> 0:12:26.120 What you find is the next time you do it, 0:12:26.559 --> 0:12:28.400 or the next after a couple of times that you 0:12:28.440 --> 0:12:31.960 do it, you now might start asking interesting questions. You 0:12:32.040 --> 0:12:35.320 might now start noticing a pattern of thoughts that repeats itself, 0:12:35.400 --> 0:12:37.840 like I've just been thinking for a week about what 0:12:37.920 --> 0:12:40.480 that person said to me about how I look, or 0:12:40.520 --> 0:12:42.400 I've been thinking about what that person said to me 0:12:42.480 --> 0:12:46.040 about something I did online, like, and it's just been 0:12:46.080 --> 0:12:48.400 in my mind and it keeps repeating itself. Now you're 0:12:48.440 --> 0:12:50.439 going to start to find what you spend most of 0:12:50.480 --> 0:12:52.920 your time on. So studies show we have sixty to 0:12:52.960 --> 0:12:56.040 eighty thousand thoughts per day and eighty percent of them 0:12:56.040 --> 0:12:59.120 are negative and eighty percent of them are repetitive. So 0:12:59.240 --> 0:13:03.120 if our life is not transforming our thoughts, Now, if 0:13:03.160 --> 0:13:04.680 I asked you what are you thinking about? 0:13:05.440 --> 0:13:06.480 You're a self aware person. 0:13:06.480 --> 0:13:08.679 I'm pretty sure you could tell me on any given 0:13:08.679 --> 0:13:10.880 moment what you're thinking about. You ask most people what 0:13:10.880 --> 0:13:14.679 they're thinking about, the reaction will be in an emotion 0:13:14.800 --> 0:13:16.280 like I'm just stressed. I've got too much on at 0:13:16.280 --> 0:13:18.200 the moment. But we can't be really clear. So what 0:13:18.240 --> 0:13:20.760 this is giving you is a clarity of what are 0:13:20.800 --> 0:13:23.880 those repeating negative thoughts and how do we want to 0:13:23.960 --> 0:13:27.040 change them? So that's step one is a even becoming 0:13:27.080 --> 0:13:29.640 aware of the thoughts. So if I ask an average 0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:31.319 person when you wake up in the morning, what's the first. 0:13:31.200 --> 0:13:31.679 Thought you had? 0:13:32.240 --> 0:13:35.640 Oh, I'm tired, that's the first thought for most people. 0:13:36.160 --> 0:13:38.520 You finally made it to coffee, You add your morning coffee, 0:13:38.520 --> 0:13:40.800 and you're thinking God, I hope this coffee gets through 0:13:40.840 --> 0:13:43.080 me through the day because I'm so tired. Second time 0:13:43.080 --> 0:13:45.240 you've had the thought. You get to lunchtime, you're like, God, 0:13:45.320 --> 0:13:47.600 is it only lunchtime? Like, and I can't even eat 0:13:47.640 --> 0:13:50.280 lunch because I'm busy working. God, I'm so tired. You 0:13:50.320 --> 0:13:52.040 get to six pm, maybe you've got to work an 0:13:52.080 --> 0:13:54.360 extra hour because no one finishes work at six anymore. 0:13:54.640 --> 0:13:57.040 Seven pm you finish, You've got I'm exhausted, I can't 0:13:57.040 --> 0:14:00.320 wait to get home. You get home, and somehow at 0:14:00.640 --> 0:14:03.040 eleven thirty seven pm you get the courage to watch 0:14:03.040 --> 0:14:04.560 another episode and you. 0:14:04.640 --> 0:14:07.560 Repeat the cycle. Right, that's a six thoughts in the 0:14:07.600 --> 0:14:08.319 same day. 0:14:08.360 --> 0:14:11.680 As people get that awareness of what do you want 0:14:11.720 --> 0:14:13.440 them to do with it? Or that's not the right 0:14:13.760 --> 0:14:15.719 what is the effective thing to do with it? If 0:14:15.720 --> 0:14:18.920 you're trying to better yourself in whatever, whether it's love 0:14:19.000 --> 0:14:21.000 or something else, but if you're trying to make progress 0:14:21.120 --> 0:14:23.720 and not just document, like, where do you go with that? 0:14:24.040 --> 0:14:26.520 Yeah, so we want to disrupt that algorithm, right, that 0:14:26.560 --> 0:14:28.400 pattern that's been developed. 0:14:27.920 --> 0:14:29.200 To just stop thinking negative. 0:14:29.320 --> 0:14:30.520 No, so we're not going to do that. What we're 0:14:30.520 --> 0:14:32.120 going to do is we're going to say I am tired. 0:14:32.160 --> 0:14:34.040 We're going to take that thought. We're going to accept it. 0:14:34.120 --> 0:14:37.640 We're okay with that, We're good with that. And I'm 0:14:37.640 --> 0:14:40.840 going to sleep early tonight. So I'm accepting the thought 0:14:40.840 --> 0:14:42.400 that I'm feeling. I'm not going to wake up and 0:14:42.440 --> 0:14:44.120 never feel I'm tired. I mean, I wake up and 0:14:44.120 --> 0:14:46.920 feel i'm tired sometimes, but our literally go, I'm tired. 0:14:47.440 --> 0:14:50.160 I'm going to cancel my plans for the weekend. I've 0:14:50.200 --> 0:14:52.600 done that so many times where I've had the busiest 0:14:52.640 --> 0:14:53.360 week at work. 0:14:53.680 --> 0:14:55.720 I'm tired. I can feel that, I'm stressed. 0:14:55.880 --> 0:14:57.880 I'm even getting a bit snappy with my wife, Like 0:14:57.920 --> 0:15:00.200 I can feel all those things. And I look my 0:15:00.240 --> 0:15:03.120 weekend and my weekend is decked with social events, and 0:15:03.160 --> 0:15:04.960 I go to RADI I'm like, I'm about to cancel 0:15:05.000 --> 0:15:07.800 everything this weekend because I don't think I have the 0:15:07.880 --> 0:15:11.960 resilience to get through. But if I didn't give myself that, 0:15:12.120 --> 0:15:14.760 and all I keep saying all week is I'm tired. 0:15:14.840 --> 0:15:16.320 Then it gets to the weekend. My friends are coming 0:15:16.360 --> 0:15:18.000 and I'm like, God, I wish they wouldn't come in today. 0:15:18.200 --> 0:15:19.640 Then they leave and I'm like, oh God, I'm so 0:15:19.760 --> 0:15:22.440 relieved that they left. I wish they would have left earlier. Right, 0:15:22.480 --> 0:15:25.280 It's like all negativity just brewing. And so what I'm 0:15:25.320 --> 0:15:28.680 saying is accept the feeling, and what are you going 0:15:28.760 --> 0:15:29.360 to do about it? 0:15:29.520 --> 0:15:32.160 Yeah, that's the question I was asking myself. And now 0:15:32.200 --> 0:15:34.280 what and now what this bad thing has happened. 0:15:34.320 --> 0:15:37.280 If now what, and if this, then that, like if 0:15:37.360 --> 0:15:40.280 I get tired during the week, then I will cancel 0:15:40.320 --> 0:15:43.040 my plans on the weekend. If I have weekend plans 0:15:43.040 --> 0:15:46.160 that are really important, I'll sleep early on the weeknight 0:15:46.240 --> 0:15:47.800 so that I'm ready for it. So like this week, 0:15:47.840 --> 0:15:50.280 I'm with you. I've got something every night this week. 0:15:50.520 --> 0:15:52.520 Every night there's an event, So I know that this 0:15:52.560 --> 0:15:54.840 weekend needs to be RESTful. I just gave myself permission 0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:57.880 to do nothing for four days. It was beautiful because 0:15:57.880 --> 0:16:00.160 my other days have been so busy. But if I'm 0:16:00.160 --> 0:16:03.000 not having time to structure and think about these things, 0:16:03.280 --> 0:16:05.720 you're literally running from one thing to another. So I 0:16:05.720 --> 0:16:10.560 feel like people are chasing peace. People are chasing peace, 0:16:10.720 --> 0:16:16.200 not realizing that when they slow and still and make 0:16:16.280 --> 0:16:19.600 that space, they then learn how to find peace. So 0:16:19.600 --> 0:16:22.480 people are looking for peace in the meditation. That's not 0:16:22.520 --> 0:16:25.760 how it works. The meditation creates the space for you 0:16:25.880 --> 0:16:27.960 to figure out how to create peace in your life. 0:16:28.600 --> 0:16:29.680 That's where the piece is. 0:16:29.800 --> 0:16:33.520 That's interesting. So my experience of meditation is that is 0:16:33.600 --> 0:16:37.960 where I get literal peace. So I started meditating because 0:16:37.960 --> 0:16:39.960 I was going through really stressful period in my life 0:16:40.040 --> 0:16:43.920 is years ago, and it was just misery at a 0:16:43.960 --> 0:16:46.120 physical level, and so I thought, I've got to find 0:16:46.160 --> 0:16:49.560 some way to de escalate my stress and anxiety. I've 0:16:49.560 --> 0:16:51.520 been told a thousand times why people to meditate. Let 0:16:51.520 --> 0:16:53.440 me actually try this. So I try it, and at 0:16:53.440 --> 0:16:56.640 a physiological level, it just lowered my stress and my anxiety, 0:16:56.640 --> 0:16:59.680 and I was like, this is amazing. I've since tried 0:16:59.760 --> 0:17:02.040 to get like my wife, for instance, to use it. 0:17:02.040 --> 0:17:03.680 It doesn't hit her in the same way that it 0:17:03.760 --> 0:17:07.360 hit me. But the piece came for me in breathing 0:17:07.359 --> 0:17:11.199 from my diaphragm. It was so physiological. And it's the 0:17:11.280 --> 0:17:13.399 older I get, the more content I create, the more 0:17:13.440 --> 0:17:17.399 I realize that I'm all tactics, like I just know 0:17:17.600 --> 0:17:21.680 how to translate the airy stuff into end. Go do this, yes, 0:17:22.240 --> 0:17:26.399 And so I'm curious, do if you just sat and meditated, 0:17:26.480 --> 0:17:28.439 You're saying that's not going to bring you peace. You 0:17:28.520 --> 0:17:31.560 have to solve this riddle of all these pieces bouncing 0:17:31.560 --> 0:17:32.200 around in your mind. 0:17:32.600 --> 0:17:36.479 I'll take back the categoric way I said that, So 0:17:37.280 --> 0:17:40.760 I guess what I was leaning towards is I'm not 0:17:40.800 --> 0:17:43.679 saying that meditating itself can't be a peaceful experience, but 0:17:43.720 --> 0:17:46.160 I feel a lot of people who have stressed out, 0:17:46.160 --> 0:17:49.160 busy lives are just looking for a break from it. 0:17:49.880 --> 0:17:52.720 And it can provide that, but sometimes. 0:17:52.320 --> 0:17:55.359 It can't because you're too stressed and busy, and a 0:17:55.359 --> 0:17:57.680 lot of the times a healthy way of using meditation 0:17:57.840 --> 0:18:00.480 is to make sense of stuff so you can go 0:18:00.560 --> 0:18:02.800 back to your life and apply it. So for some 0:18:02.960 --> 0:18:05.399 people it is peace and that's fair, and I agree, 0:18:05.400 --> 0:18:08.000 I do find piece and meditation, But for some people 0:18:08.080 --> 0:18:12.920 it's giving them that break and that gap between experience 0:18:12.960 --> 0:18:16.679 and reaction. It's giving them that gap between stress and 0:18:16.760 --> 0:18:21.360 struggle that allows them to reorient themselves and say. 0:18:21.440 --> 0:18:23.040 This is what I need to switch, this is what 0:18:23.160 --> 0:18:23.880 I need to move. 0:18:24.359 --> 0:18:27.080 And I feel maybe you're someone that does that anyway 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:30.960 and does that naturally, and then meditation can become just 0:18:31.000 --> 0:18:32.720 what it is and give you that piece. But I 0:18:32.760 --> 0:18:36.120 feel that for a lot of people, just sitting there 0:18:36.160 --> 0:18:39.200 with their thoughts is stressful just. 0:18:39.240 --> 0:18:41.320 Observing it because they don't know what to do with it. 0:18:41.960 --> 0:18:42.280 I think. 0:18:42.800 --> 0:18:45.280