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Speaker 1: When we're left alone to ourselves, we hear things that

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Speaker 1: we may not be comfortable with. I don't like where

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Speaker 1: my life is going. I'm not happy with how I look.

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Speaker 1: Everyone else is doing better than me. Oh they just

5
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Speaker 1: got proposed to, and I'm still alone. All those thoughts

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Speaker 1: get space to actually be heard is when you're scrolling.

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Speaker 2: It's like, oh, they got proposed. Oh cute bunny. Oh

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Speaker 2: like you, You're not even listening, you're scrolling away thoughts.

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Speaker 3: Tell me, what is the secret that you've learned from

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Speaker 3: monks on how to master yourself?

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Speaker 1: I think one of the first things that I'd suggest

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Speaker 1: and explain to people is that when I lived as

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Speaker 1: a monk, a lot of the wisdom that we studied

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Speaker 1: and the Eastern literatures that we spent time excavating, those

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Speaker 1: were not aimed at monks. Those were just aimed at

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Speaker 1: humanity when they were written. When they were written, they

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Speaker 1: weren't talking about the Vaders. Correct, are the vaders?

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Speaker 3: Exactly?

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Speaker 2: So?

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Speaker 1: The Vaders are five thousand year old texts that literally

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Speaker 1: talk about everything from aira vada, which is the science

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Speaker 1: of health. So Veda means wisdom or science of and

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Speaker 1: so ara vada is the science of life, the science

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Speaker 1: of health. You have their own version of Vastu Vader,

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Speaker 1: which is closest to FUNCTIONU. So like how to design

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Speaker 1: your home, how to set up different things around your

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Speaker 1: home for purposeful esthetics. You have the science of warfare

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Speaker 1: in the Vaders. Oh yeah, so there's a whole text

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Speaker 1: dedicated how do you reconcile that? You reconcile that in

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Speaker 1: the sense of there's knowledge and wisdom on how to

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Speaker 1: properly do each aspect with integrity, with purpose from a

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Speaker 1: point of protection. Recognizing I think me and you can

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Speaker 1: probably vibe with this the idea that we all want

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Speaker 1: a world. I think we'd all like a world that

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Speaker 1: has no war. But if we live in a world

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Speaker 1: pretending that there is none of that and then we're

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Speaker 1: not prepared for it, that sets us up worse. And

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Speaker 1: I think, whether you look at that on the macro

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Speaker 1: of war, or you look at on the micro of

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Speaker 1: anxiety or stress or pressure, if we pretend that stress

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Speaker 1: doesn't exist, it doesn't make it go away, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: make it better.

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Speaker 2: But being prepared for it.

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Speaker 1: Actually allows us to potentially avoid it, potentially navigate it

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Speaker 1: with more integrity and authenticity. And today, I feel like

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Speaker 1: when you don't have codes for difficult things in society,

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Speaker 1: you see people make really bad mistakes. You see people

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Speaker 1: not having a codebook or a rule book on leadership,

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Speaker 1: and that's what it leads to. You see people not

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Speaker 1: having a codebook or rule book on how to navigate war,

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Speaker 1: and therefore people do what they feel like. And so

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Speaker 1: I find that what the Vedas we're trying to do

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Speaker 1: was give you a set of code and a set

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Speaker 1: of rules and a set of limits so that you

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Speaker 1: would be more controlled, more more, more greedless, more negative

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Speaker 1: desire less in those situations, so that you wouldn't be

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Speaker 1: pulled into something by your ego, but you could actually

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Speaker 1: go back to something that would help you get there

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Speaker 1: to get the best result for people in humanity. And

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Speaker 1: I think that's what's so special about the Vedas, that

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Speaker 1: ultimately it's dedicated to uplifting humanity through each of these

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Speaker 1: different things that we experience in life.

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Speaker 3: It was really interesting to hear you talk about the

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Speaker 3: part in I think it was in the Vedas about

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Speaker 3: the guy who's to prepare for war and you're talking

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Speaker 3: about even good people have to learn how to fight.

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Speaker 3: Found that really interesting. But the book starts with solitude. Yes,

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Speaker 3: why solitude, because that was a part where I was like, Okay,

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Speaker 3: here's where the monk part is coming into this. And

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Speaker 3: I think it's pretty important for people to be able

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Speaker 3: to be alone before they try to get into a relationship.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think we've created this feeling in society where

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Speaker 1: loneliness is the enemy, Like being alone is seen as

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Speaker 1: a weakness. So when someone goes to school and throws

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Speaker 1: a birthday party and not many people show up, you're unpopular,

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Speaker 1: Whereas if lots of people showed up, you were really important,

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Speaker 1: you were.

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Speaker 3: Significant, brutal. I can think of a few things that

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Speaker 3: would be more devastating to a kid than no one

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Speaker 3: showing up to your birthday exactly.

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Speaker 1: And that's how it's flamed, that's how it's talked about.

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Speaker 1: And then the next thing is.

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Speaker 3: Like, would you tell your kids if they if they

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Speaker 3: went to have a birthday party and nobody showed up

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Speaker 3: to day? Would you really be like, hey, solitude is

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Speaker 3: a good thing, Like how would you?

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm not that so.

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Speaker 1: I can't say, But what I would say is that

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Speaker 1: I would change it in the invite process, So I

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Speaker 1: would ask them to only invite people that they felt

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Speaker 1: really connected to or they felt they've really vibed with them,

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Speaker 1: wanted to celebrate their birthday with. So I think the

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Speaker 1: challenges when you're a kid, you also hand out way

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Speaker 1: too many invites. So I think that's what ends up

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Speaker 1: happening is that you think a good birthday party is

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Speaker 1: a packed room and even I mean people still feel

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Speaker 1: that till they're fifty sixty seventy, like that is until

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Speaker 1: the way dead, until they're dead, right, Like you feel

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Speaker 1: a good birthday party or a good event, even when

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Speaker 1: people say, like when I die, like, if there's loads

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Speaker 1: of people there, that will be a thing. I think

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Speaker 1: we've just programmed ourselves to believe that if we're not

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Speaker 1: surrounded by people, we can't celebrate, and we can't be celebrated.

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Speaker 1: It has to be about scale of how many people

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Speaker 1: are there. And I would say that's one measurement, but

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Speaker 1: the other men's measurement is the depth of how well

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Speaker 1: they know you. I know tons of people who threw

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Speaker 1: a great birthday party at fifty five hundred people showed

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Speaker 1: up and they felt actually I went, actually I went

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Speaker 1: to a birthday party this year. It was a big

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Speaker 1: birthday party, and I was speaking to the person whose

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Speaker 1: party it was and they were, like, so many people

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Speaker 1: invited people I didn't know to my birthday party and

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Speaker 1: they felt lonely at their own birthday party. I don't

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Speaker 1: want If I have had kids, I won't want them

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Speaker 1: to feel that, And even for myself, I don't want

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Speaker 1: to be in that position.

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Speaker 2: I'd rather have.

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Speaker 1: I saw this thing on Instagram and it was someone

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Speaker 1: that posted like it was like a ten this is

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Speaker 1: a British currency. It was like tenpence and then one pound,

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Speaker 1: and so tenpence is larger circumference than the pound, but

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Speaker 1: the pound is greater in value. And so the caption

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Speaker 1: on Instagram said that my circle is shrunk in size,

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Speaker 1: but is increased in value. And I was thinking that that,

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Speaker 1: to me, resembles the kind of life I would want

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Speaker 1: for myself and for my children if I had them.

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Speaker 1: But if I could have both, that would be amazing, obviously,

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Speaker 1: But I don't know how real it is to be

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Speaker 1: able to say we can have both. So I think

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Speaker 1: what I'm trying to say with solitude is that if

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Speaker 1: there isn't a sense that I am happy with myself,

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Speaker 1: with my own company with the thoughts that circle around

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Speaker 1: in my mind. Imagine how complex that is when you

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Speaker 1: add another confused individual who's not happy with their thoughts,

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Speaker 1: not happy with who they are, not happy with their mind,

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Speaker 1: and now in a relationship, you're putting two confused people together.

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Speaker 1: Why is their pain, why is their fallout? Why is

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Speaker 1: there so much disappointment in a relationship? In my opinion

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Speaker 1: and from the perspective of the Eastern studies, is that

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Speaker 1: because there's an internal dissatisfaction in both people that they're

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Speaker 1: now bringing to each other, and so the strength of

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Speaker 1: solitude is using that time. I've still not found a

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Speaker 1: better solution for self awareness than solitude, because in solitude,

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Speaker 1: it's the only place you get to hear your own

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Speaker 1: voice and make sense of other people's opinions. If I'm

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Speaker 1: standing in the middle of a group of one hundred

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Speaker 1: people and they're all yelling their opinions at me, chances

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Speaker 1: are some of them are going to rub off, some

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Speaker 1: of them are contagious, some of them are going to

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Speaker 1: reject And I don't get the space and time to

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Speaker 1: make sense of what's my voice and what's noise, Whereas

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Speaker 1: when I get time to myself I get the opportunity

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Speaker 1: to reflect on and introspect and go do I want

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Speaker 1: that thought to be mine? How does that fit in

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Speaker 1: to my life? How do I feel about this?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 1: You get to have that dialogue with yourself, and I

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Speaker 1: feel we've lost the art of self talk and self dialogue.

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Speaker 3: Well, let's go into it. So what is that art?

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Speaker 3: Like the if you put a human being in solitary confinement,

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Speaker 3: you will break them in a deep and fundamental and

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Speaker 3: scary way that I wouldn't have predicted. That seems very

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Speaker 3: weird to me. I know it to be true, not

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Speaker 3: because I've experienced it, but because you just hear it

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Speaker 3: over and over and over and over, like, if you

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Speaker 3: really want to destroy the human spirit, isolate them. So

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Speaker 3: how is it that we take this thing that will,

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Speaker 3: on a long enough timeline, absolutely decimate you and make

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Speaker 3: it something that becomes the most profound setup for self awareness?

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Speaker 3: What do you have to do in that solitude?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: So the first thing I'd say is that it would

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Speaker 1: decimate you if you go into it twenty four hours

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Speaker 1: a day.

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Speaker 2: And that's not what we're recommending here, right, I'm.

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Speaker 1: Not telling someone to twenty four hours be in solitude

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Speaker 1: for a year, Like, that's not my recommendation. My recommendation

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Speaker 1: is in your week, there has to be at least

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Speaker 1: one hour that you spend by yourself. And in that hour,

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Speaker 1: you're not watching a show, you're not reading a book,

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Speaker 1: you're not on your phone scrolling, so you're not distracting

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Speaker 1: yourself with anything or stimulating yourself with anything external, and

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Speaker 1: you're sitting there and just observing your thoughts. Now, one

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Speaker 1: hour is going to seem like a long time in

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Speaker 1: the beginning, but I'm saying one hour would be great

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Speaker 1: in a week. If you're starting that at ten minutes,

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Speaker 1: that's brilliant, that's enough.

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Speaker 2: But the goal is it enough?

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Speaker 3: Like? Are you being kind? Are you trying to let

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Speaker 3: people off the hook? Are you worried about people flaming

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Speaker 3: you in the comments? Like you meditate two hours a day?

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Speaker 3: I'm not mistaken, Yes, So what should people do for real?

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Speaker 1: I do believe that ten minutes is a good place

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Speaker 1: to start, because I do feel that.

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Speaker 3: You shouldn't stay there.

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Speaker 2: You shouldn't stay at ten minutes. I should grow.

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Speaker 1: I think I look at it as like when you

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Speaker 1: do a colpelndze right for the first time. So The

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Speaker 1: first time I did a Colpelanze, I was doing it

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Speaker 1: with a friend and they were they'd been already doing

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Speaker 1: it for a long time, and I didn't want to

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Speaker 1: walk out and I couldn't do it, and so I

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Speaker 1: stayed in there. Yeah, literally, so I stayed in there

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Speaker 1: for longer than I wanted to the first time I

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Speaker 1: did it. So if I did it myself the first time,

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Speaker 1: I think I would have been there for thirty seconds.

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Speaker 2: The first time I did it for five.

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Speaker 1: Minutes, because I was in there with someone who is

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Speaker 1: in this we're fully simmid five minutes. It was great

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Speaker 1: fully simmized up to here right, not fully summized. And

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Speaker 1: so when I look at that, and I look at

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Speaker 1: something that I found challenging when I did it, I

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Speaker 1: was like, if someone told me I had to be

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Speaker 1: in there for ten minutes the first time I did it,

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Speaker 1: I potentially would never have got in right. And the

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Speaker 1: idea that I could have started with thirty seconds and

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Speaker 1: built myself up to three minutes and then built myself

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Speaker 1: up to five minutes, I really do like that process.

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Speaker 1: And I think you have to and this is self

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Speaker 1: awareness again. You have to know whether you're someone who

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Speaker 1: likes to be thrown in the deep end, or whether

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Speaker 1: you're someone who likes to build up incrementally. I'm generally

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Speaker 1: someone who jumps into the deepend So I was pushed

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Speaker 1: in for five minutes and that works for me, because

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Speaker 1: for me, I'm the kind of person needs to be

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Speaker 1: pushed off to break the mental barrier to then go

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Speaker 1: back and build a habit. That's my self awareness. I

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Speaker 1: became a monk in order to learn these things. I'm

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Speaker 1: an extreme person. That's how I learn and build habits.

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Speaker 1: But someone else goes to me. Actually, Jay, I like

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Speaker 1: meditating for five minutes a day, and it works for me,

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Speaker 1: and now I have confidence I can do ten minutes

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Speaker 1: a day, I can do fifteen and I love that.

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Speaker 1: So I don't think it's an either or I genuinely don't.

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Speaker 1: That's not a cop out. I think you have to

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Speaker 1: know who you are, and so if I want to

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Speaker 1: learn something, I'll schedule the whole weekend. If I wanted

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Speaker 1: to learn archery, I would set up archery classes for

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Speaker 1: eight hours a day all weekend. I wouldn't learn it

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Speaker 1: by doing archery once a week because I want to

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Speaker 1: figure out whether I'm deeply interested and care about this

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Speaker 1: enough to actually commit to it weekly.

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Speaker 2: But that's my mindset, that's who I am.

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Speaker 1: So I think the first thing I say is ten

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Speaker 1: minutes alone every week where you sit and you just

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Speaker 1: observe your thoughts and write down every thought that comes up.

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Speaker 2: This is weird. I hate this. It's boring.

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Speaker 1: I can't believe Jay and Tom told me to do

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Speaker 1: this right, like whatever else is coming up, and write

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Speaker 1: it down and just become comfortable becoming aware of your thoughts.

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Speaker 1: And what you find is that the first time you

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Speaker 1: do this, it is just going to be random noise

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Speaker 1: like that, what shall I eat tonight? What's going on?

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Speaker 1: It's just going to be that stuff. It might be

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Speaker 1: I hate this, I'm uncomfortable, this is not fun on

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Speaker 1: board like it will just be natural dialogue like that.

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Speaker 1: What you find is the next time you do it,

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Speaker 1: or the next after a couple of times that you

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Speaker 1: do it, you now might start asking interesting questions. You

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Speaker 1: might now start noticing a pattern of thoughts that repeats itself,

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Speaker 1: like I've just been thinking for a week about what

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Speaker 1: that person said to me about how I look, or

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Speaker 1: I've been thinking about what that person said to me

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Speaker 1: about something I did online, like, and it's just been

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Speaker 1: in my mind and it keeps repeating itself. Now you're

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Speaker 1: going to start to find what you spend most of

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Speaker 1: your time on. So studies show we have sixty to

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Speaker 1: eighty thousand thoughts per day and eighty percent of them

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Speaker 1: are negative and eighty percent of them are repetitive. So

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Speaker 1: if our life is not transforming our thoughts, Now, if

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Speaker 1: I asked you what are you thinking about?

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Speaker 2: You're a self aware person.

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Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure you could tell me on any given

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Speaker 1: moment what you're thinking about. You ask most people what

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Speaker 1: they're thinking about, the reaction will be in an emotion

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Speaker 1: like I'm just stressed. I've got too much on at

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Speaker 1: the moment. But we can't be really clear. So what

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Speaker 1: this is giving you is a clarity of what are

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Speaker 1: those repeating negative thoughts and how do we want to

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Speaker 1: change them? So that's step one is a even becoming

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Speaker 1: aware of the thoughts. So if I ask an average

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Speaker 1: person when you wake up in the morning, what's the first.

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Speaker 2: Thought you had?

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Speaker 1: Oh, I'm tired, that's the first thought for most people.

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Speaker 1: You finally made it to coffee, You add your morning coffee,

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Speaker 1: and you're thinking God, I hope this coffee gets through

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Speaker 1: me through the day because I'm so tired. Second time

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Speaker 1: you've had the thought. You get to lunchtime, you're like, God,

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Speaker 1: is it only lunchtime? Like, and I can't even eat

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Speaker 1: lunch because I'm busy working. God, I'm so tired. You

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Speaker 1: get to six pm, maybe you've got to work an

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Speaker 1: extra hour because no one finishes work at six anymore.

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Speaker 1: Seven pm you finish, You've got I'm exhausted, I can't

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Speaker 1: wait to get home. You get home, and somehow at

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Speaker 1: eleven thirty seven pm you get the courage to watch

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Speaker 1: another episode and you.

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Speaker 2: Repeat the cycle. Right, that's a six thoughts in the

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Speaker 2: same day.

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Speaker 3: As people get that awareness of what do you want

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Speaker 3: them to do with it? Or that's not the right

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Speaker 3: what is the effective thing to do with it? If

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Speaker 3: you're trying to better yourself in whatever, whether it's love

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Speaker 3: or something else, but if you're trying to make progress

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Speaker 3: and not just document, like, where do you go with that?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so we want to disrupt that algorithm, right, that

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Speaker 1: pattern that's been developed.

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Speaker 3: To just stop thinking negative.

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Speaker 1: No, so we're not going to do that. What we're

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Speaker 1: going to do is we're going to say I am tired.

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Speaker 1: We're going to take that thought. We're going to accept it.

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Speaker 1: We're okay with that, We're good with that. And I'm

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Speaker 1: going to sleep early tonight. So I'm accepting the thought

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Speaker 1: that I'm feeling. I'm not going to wake up and

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Speaker 1: never feel I'm tired. I mean, I wake up and

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Speaker 1: feel i'm tired sometimes, but our literally go, I'm tired.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to cancel my plans for the weekend. I've

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Speaker 1: done that so many times where I've had the busiest

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Speaker 1: week at work.

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Speaker 2: I'm tired. I can feel that, I'm stressed.

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Speaker 1: I'm even getting a bit snappy with my wife, Like

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Speaker 1: I can feel all those things. And I look my

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Speaker 1: weekend and my weekend is decked with social events, and

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Speaker 1: I go to RADI I'm like, I'm about to cancel

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Speaker 1: everything this weekend because I don't think I have the

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Speaker 1: resilience to get through. But if I didn't give myself that,

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Speaker 1: and all I keep saying all week is I'm tired.

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Speaker 1: Then it gets to the weekend. My friends are coming

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, God, I wish they wouldn't come in today.

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Speaker 1: Then they leave and I'm like, oh God, I'm so

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Speaker 1: relieved that they left. I wish they would have left earlier. Right,

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Speaker 1: It's like all negativity just brewing. And so what I'm

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Speaker 1: saying is accept the feeling, and what are you going

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Speaker 1: to do about it?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the question I was asking myself. And now

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Speaker 3: what and now what this bad thing has happened.

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Speaker 1: If now what, and if this, then that, like if

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Speaker 1: I get tired during the week, then I will cancel

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Speaker 1: my plans on the weekend. If I have weekend plans

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Speaker 1: that are really important, I'll sleep early on the weeknight

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Speaker 1: so that I'm ready for it. So like this week,

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Speaker 1: I'm with you. I've got something every night this week.

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Speaker 1: Every night there's an event, So I know that this

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Speaker 1: weekend needs to be RESTful. I just gave myself permission

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Speaker 1: to do nothing for four days. It was beautiful because

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Speaker 1: my other days have been so busy. But if I'm

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Speaker 1: not having time to structure and think about these things,

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Speaker 1: you're literally running from one thing to another. So I

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Speaker 1: feel like people are chasing peace. People are chasing peace,

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Speaker 1: not realizing that when they slow and still and make

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Speaker 1: that space, they then learn how to find peace. So

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Speaker 1: people are looking for peace in the meditation. That's not

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Speaker 1: how it works. The meditation creates the space for you

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Speaker 1: to figure out how to create peace in your life.

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Speaker 2: That's where the piece is.

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Speaker 3: That's interesting. So my experience of meditation is that is

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Speaker 3: where I get literal peace. So I started meditating because

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Speaker 3: I was going through really stressful period in my life

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Speaker 3: is years ago, and it was just misery at a

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Speaker 3: physical level, and so I thought, I've got to find

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Speaker 3: some way to de escalate my stress and anxiety. I've

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Speaker 3: been told a thousand times why people to meditate. Let

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Speaker 3: me actually try this. So I try it, and at

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Speaker 3: a physiological level, it just lowered my stress and my anxiety,

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Speaker 3: and I was like, this is amazing. I've since tried

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Speaker 3: to get like my wife, for instance, to use it.

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Speaker 3: It doesn't hit her in the same way that it

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Speaker 3: hit me. But the piece came for me in breathing

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Speaker 3: from my diaphragm. It was so physiological. And it's the

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Speaker 3: older I get, the more content I create, the more

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Speaker 3: I realize that I'm all tactics, like I just know

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Speaker 3: how to translate the airy stuff into end. Go do this, yes,

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Speaker 3: And so I'm curious, do if you just sat and meditated,

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Speaker 3: You're saying that's not going to bring you peace. You

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Speaker 3: have to solve this riddle of all these pieces bouncing

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Speaker 3: around in your mind.

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Speaker 1: I'll take back the categoric way I said that, So

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Speaker 1: I guess what I was leaning towards is I'm not

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Speaker 1: saying that meditating itself can't be a peaceful experience, but

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Speaker 1: I feel a lot of people who have stressed out,

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Speaker 1: busy lives are just looking for a break from it.

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Speaker 2: And it can provide that, but sometimes.

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Speaker 1: It can't because you're too stressed and busy, and a

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Speaker 1: lot of the times a healthy way of using meditation

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Speaker 1: is to make sense of stuff so you can go

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Speaker 1: back to your life and apply it. So for some

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Speaker 1: people it is peace and that's fair, and I agree,

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Speaker 1: I do find piece and meditation, But for some people

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Speaker 1: it's giving them that break and that gap between experience

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Speaker 1: and reaction. It's giving them that gap between stress and

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Speaker 1: struggle that allows them to reorient themselves and say.

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Speaker 2: This is what I need to switch, this is what

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Speaker 2: I need to move.

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Speaker 1: And I feel maybe you're someone that does that anyway

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Speaker 1: and does that naturally, and then meditation can become just

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Speaker 1: what it is and give you that piece. But I

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Speaker 1: feel that for a lot of people, just sitting there

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Speaker 1: with their thoughts is stressful just.

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Speaker 3: Observing it because they don't know what to do with it.

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Speaker 2: I think.

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Speaker 1: I think, first of all, there's a big fear around it, right,

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Speaker 1: It's just we're scared.

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Speaker 3: I don't understand that at all. What are people scared of?

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Speaker 1: Well, I mean it's the same way as saying, like,

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Speaker 1: why people scared of sitting in cold water?

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Speaker 2: Rights?

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Speaker 3: How I get because it sucks.

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Speaker 2: It does suck.

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Speaker 1: So what I'm saying is people that I've talked to

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Speaker 1: you who struggle with their thoughts make those things.

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Speaker 3: Easy because they don't know what to do with them.

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Speaker 3: Like the cold thing. It's e So look, I'm gonna

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Speaker 3: have a massive physiological response. YEA, not fun. I'm doing

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Speaker 3: it for reasons, so I do it. I can stop

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Speaker 3: doing it at any time. But a thought doesn't have

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Speaker 3: to be painful in the way that cold exposure. Like

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Speaker 3: even wim Hoff says, I don't like being cold. I

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Speaker 3: do it because it serves a purpose.

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Speaker 1: But even he says that the loss of love was

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Speaker 1: more painful than any of the cold he's been through, right,

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Speaker 1: Like that thought of losing someone you love is far

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Speaker 1: greater than the pain of sitting in cold.

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Speaker 3: I think that's like the background thing that's really messing

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Speaker 3: with you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Like I feel like I was even talking to

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Speaker 1: I was even talking to Amar from Yestery and if

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Speaker 1: you've have.

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Speaker 2: You ever had them?

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Speaker 3: I know, yes, Siria, but I've never. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So they do loads of crazy stuff too, right, and

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Speaker 1: they've they've gone. And so I was talking to Amar,

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Speaker 1: who's one of the Yes three guys. They're awesome guys,

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Speaker 1: and he was saying to me that, so this is

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Speaker 1: really fascinating, and I love where we're going with this,

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Speaker 1: by the way, and please keep going there because this

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Speaker 1: I can only have this common session with you.

437
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:01,600
Speaker 2: So I'm very happy right now.

438
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:05,679
Speaker 1: The thing about what Amma was saying is that he

439
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:07,720
Speaker 1: said the whole point of yes theory was saying yes

440
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:11,119
Speaker 1: to crazy stuff that we wouldn't say yes to, and

441
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,119
Speaker 1: that's how it started. And he goes, we got to

442
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:16,679
Speaker 1: a point we're saying yes to crazy stuff was not

443
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:20,520
Speaker 1: difficult anymore. So now when we said yes to doing

444
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:24,480
Speaker 1: something crazy next year, we actually didn't find that uncomfortable.

445
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:27,400
Speaker 1: And yes theory was all about seeking discomfort. So he goes,

446
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:30,440
Speaker 1: we realized we were just seeking comfort. Doing something bigger

447
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,119
Speaker 1: every time was just more and more comfortable, and he goes, actually,

448
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,200
Speaker 1: what's most uncomfortable for me right now is to sit

449
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:38,200
Speaker 1: alone with my thoughts every day for fifteen minutes and meditate.

450
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,119
Speaker 2: And he said this, man, I was like wow, like

451
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:41,120
Speaker 2: it was so profound.

452
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,800
Speaker 3: So yes, let's go down and all that down to one. Yeah,

453
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,720
Speaker 3: I'm going to give you my hypothesis. Yes, people are

454
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:50,920
Speaker 3: afraid that they people don't respect themselves or their self

455
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,560
Speaker 3: respect is fragile, and being alone with their thoughts is

456
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,560
Speaker 3: just going to be intrusive and they're going to lose

457
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:59,760
Speaker 3: more respect, I guess, because that would be. That was

458
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:01,919
Speaker 3: the thing that I struggled with in the beginning, and

459
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,159
Speaker 3: I've spent my entire life making sure that I can

460
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:05,760
Speaker 3: be alone because I always tell people the only thing

461
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:07,479
Speaker 3: that matters is how you feel about yourself when you're

462
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:10,040
Speaker 3: by yourself. So the only thing I can think is

463
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:12,159
Speaker 3: when people are alone, they don't feel good about who

464
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,680
Speaker 3: they are, and so they seek distraction.

465
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,800
Speaker 2: That's it. I mean, it's as simple as that.

466
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,760
Speaker 1: It literally is like I'll give a study and then

467
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:23,520
Speaker 1: I'll specifically speak to that point like. Men and women

468
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,399
Speaker 1: were asked to be alone with their thoughts for fifteen

469
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:28,840
Speaker 1: minutes or give themselves an electric shop.

470
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:29,760
Speaker 3: I know where this is going.

471
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:33,320
Speaker 1: They did this experiment, thirty percent of women chose an

472
00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:36,280
Speaker 1: electric shot. Wow, and sixty percent of men chose an

473
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:36,960
Speaker 1: electric shop.

474
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,879
Speaker 3: Oh wow. I had that back. I guess the other way,

475
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:41,240
Speaker 3: And when asked.

476
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,920
Speaker 1: Why, they said, because they didn't want to be alone

477
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,120
Speaker 1: with their thoughts. Because we're skinning our thoughts. Now, your

478
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,600
Speaker 1: hypothesis is accurate, I would agree with it. I think

479
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:52,680
Speaker 1: the biggest thing is that when we're left alone to ourselves,

480
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:57,240
Speaker 1: we hear things that we may not be comfortable with.

481
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:00,800
Speaker 1: I don't like where my life is going. I'm not

482
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:04,680
Speaker 1: happy with how I look. Everyone else is doing better

483
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,920
Speaker 1: than me. Oh they just got proposed to, and I'm

484
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:14,480
Speaker 1: still alone. All those thoughts get space to actually be heard,

485
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:17,160
Speaker 1: whereas when you're scrolling, it's like, oh they got proposed

486
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:20,439
Speaker 1: Oh cute bunny, Oh like you, you're not even listening.

487
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:23,880
Speaker 1: You're scrolling a thought. That's literally you're scrolling away thoughts.

488
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:25,840
Speaker 1: And that gives us a sense of comfort that we

489
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:28,439
Speaker 1: don't spend longer than three seconds on a thought. But

490
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:31,040
Speaker 1: then when you're asked to spend three minutes or more

491
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:34,119
Speaker 1: on a thought, that thought gets to like grow and

492
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,879
Speaker 1: build and become scarier and bigger, almost like a monster

493
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:42,359
Speaker 1: that unknown of it. Right, It's like, I think that

494
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:45,560
Speaker 1: what people are most scared of is they've been trained

495
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:49,440
Speaker 1: to numb themselves. We live in a society that knows

496
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:54,480
Speaker 1: how to numb emotions and numb feelings, right, I don't.

497
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:57,359
Speaker 1: I'm so upset about something, I'm going to go and

498
00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,119
Speaker 1: drink alcohol to numb that feeling, to not experience and

499
00:23:00,119 --> 00:23:04,359
Speaker 1: start feeling I messed up at something. I'm going to

500
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:07,399
Speaker 1: go and gamble away my money to numb the feeling

501
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,320
Speaker 1: that I felt. I'm going to go and watch something

502
00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:11,159
Speaker 1: on TV because I just want to numb how I

503
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:12,040
Speaker 1: feel right now.

504
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:12,439
Speaker 2: Now.

505
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:14,720
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that I don't do any of those

506
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:18,399
Speaker 1: things to number feeling when it's really painful, or that

507
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,240
Speaker 1: we shouldn't ever number feeling at all, But our goal

508
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:22,960
Speaker 1: is we just want to numb things away.

509
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:25,640
Speaker 2: And I don't think that That's.

510
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,680
Speaker 1: Why sitting with your thoughts for fifteen minutes is really hard,

511
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:28,640
Speaker 1: because there's.

512
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:29,440
Speaker 2: Nothing to numb it.

513
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:31,720
Speaker 1: There is nothing that will numb it, and even sitting

514
00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:34,720
Speaker 1: in the cold, nothing numbs that apart from your own

515
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:36,120
Speaker 1: senteredness and breathing.

516
00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:37,320
Speaker 2: You have to go to that.

517
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,760
Speaker 1: And I think that's why sitting alone with your thoughts

518
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,280
Speaker 1: is such a powerful practice, because what you're saying, if

519
00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:45,440
Speaker 1: you want to be happy, being happy about yourself when

520
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:49,200
Speaker 1: you're by yourself, that requires you to not numb anything

521
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,720
Speaker 1: about yourself, because that's the full acceptance.

522
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:55,600
Speaker 3: So interesting. So I've been thinking a lot recently about distraction.

523
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:58,800
Speaker 3: Why distraction exists, because I think it actually serves a

524
00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:02,280
Speaker 3: pretty powerful person if we didn't have the ability. So

525
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:04,160
Speaker 3: there's a part of the brain called the basil ganglia,

526
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,160
Speaker 3: which is known as the gear shift in the brain,

527
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:10,160
Speaker 3: and for people that have obsessive thinking, they get stuck

528
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,600
Speaker 3: and the basil ganglia is not able to let them

529
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,880
Speaker 3: pass that thought into another thought. Now, I think one

530
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:18,760
Speaker 3: of my superpowers is my gearbox is amazing and to

531
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,520
Speaker 3: the point where it almost becomes problematic because I can

532
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:25,760
Speaker 3: I'll forget about something that I was obsessed with thinking about, ah,

533
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,080
Speaker 3: because my gearbox just like goes into the next thing.

534
00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:31,640
Speaker 3: And so that has shown me that I can very

535
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:35,640
Speaker 3: easily get myself out of a loop. If I'm on

536
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:37,760
Speaker 3: something that's super negative, I can get out of that.

537
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:42,679
Speaker 3: But for somebody who can't, you need that external distraction

538
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:46,000
Speaker 3: and doom scrolling. Like there was one period in my

539
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,560
Speaker 3: life where I was so I had so much going

540
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:51,760
Speaker 3: on that even the thought of meditating was just like,

541
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:53,840
Speaker 3: well then everything is going to come crashing down. And

542
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,680
Speaker 3: I was like, but I know better than to not meditate,

543
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,760
Speaker 3: so I need some sort of primer to soothe me

544
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,480
Speaker 3: enough to get me into meditation. And it was actually

545
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:04,720
Speaker 3: doom scrolling cats, not just cats, but like things like

546
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:08,520
Speaker 3: that where it's like cute, funny fifteen seconds to digest

547
00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:10,040
Speaker 3: the idea and then you move on to the next

548
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:14,919
Speaker 3: And I trained my YouTube algorithm on shorts to only

549
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:17,199
Speaker 3: show me like cute fun things, and I would do

550
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:20,160
Speaker 3: that for like seven minutes, and then I would go meditating.

551
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:22,879
Speaker 3: I was like, wow, that is freakishly effective. So you

552
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,480
Speaker 3: have to wall things off because if you doom scroll

553
00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:28,920
Speaker 3: for seven hours, you now never get anywhere. But if

554
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:33,639
Speaker 3: you don't understand how powerful distraction can be enough to

555
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:36,800
Speaker 3: get you to the point where now you can take

556
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:40,080
Speaker 3: advantage of something like meditation, which is going to leave

557
00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:44,320
Speaker 3: you alone with your thoughts. It's really really fascinating.

558
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love what you just said about distraction.

559
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:50,160
Speaker 1: I've always allowed myself five minutes an hour to be random,

560
00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:52,919
Speaker 1: and I often have. I've either do a time or

561
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:54,720
Speaker 1: on my phone, or at one point I was really

562
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,760
Speaker 1: into like hour glasses or minute glasses, and I would

563
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:57,600
Speaker 1: just turn it over.

564
00:25:57,760 --> 00:25:59,000
Speaker 3: What do you do in that time?

565
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,160
Speaker 1: So I would allow my to scroll, I would allow

566
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,000
Speaker 1: myself to search random stuff on YouTube.

567
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:03,919
Speaker 2: I'd allow myself.

568
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:08,520
Speaker 1: So it's giving myself the capacity to be random. And

569
00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:11,040
Speaker 1: what I found in randomness is that you connect really

570
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:11,760
Speaker 1: interesting dots.

571
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:13,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's why I like meditating.

572
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:13,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.

573
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:15,880
Speaker 1: And so I find like in space where I don't

574
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:17,199
Speaker 1: know what I'm going to type in, or I'd pick

575
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:19,440
Speaker 1: up a random book for my shelf, or I would

576
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:22,080
Speaker 1: find a random thing that I'm scrolling through. But allowing

577
00:26:22,119 --> 00:26:25,160
Speaker 1: myself to do that for five minutes every hour allowed

578
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:27,160
Speaker 1: my mind to have that space, to have that gaps

579
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:30,880
Speaker 1: to connect dots but then return back. But that's us

580
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:34,720
Speaker 1: using distraction rather than just letting it be there, right,

581
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,960
Speaker 1: And I think when distraction controls you and drives you,

582
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:40,280
Speaker 1: and everyone knows what it feels like to be on

583
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,000
Speaker 1: a rabbit hole where you end up on some random

584
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:44,920
Speaker 1: website or some random YouTube channel.

585
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,520
Speaker 2: Everyone's been there. That's not a good feeling.

586
00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:49,800
Speaker 1: Like, I don't think I want that feeling where I

587
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:53,000
Speaker 1: end up somewhere seven hours later, where seven minutes of

588
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:56,720
Speaker 1: randomness is really healthy and beautiful and can be amazing.

589
00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:00,480
Speaker 1: And so why can't seven minutes of stillness? I can't

590
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:04,359
Speaker 1: seven minutes of listening to sounds or ambient noises or

591
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,080
Speaker 1: nature sounds, right. I think there's also a sense of

592
00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:12,720
Speaker 1: I think it's reconnecting with our breath. There's an amazing

593
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:14,640
Speaker 1: study I talk about in the book about how when

594
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:18,800
Speaker 1: we spend time with people that were close to or caregivers,

595
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:21,480
Speaker 1: with people that love us, our breath and even our

596
00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:22,960
Speaker 1: heartbeat can synchronize you.

597
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,880
Speaker 3: That is so weird to me. It's so strange, right, dude.

598
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,399
Speaker 3: Humans sink up to each other. The one that freaks

599
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,920
Speaker 3: me out the most is that women will sink their

600
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:34,600
Speaker 3: periods and they all sink to the dominant female. That

601
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,960
Speaker 3: stuff gets sad, super crazy. Wow, yeah, super crazy.

602
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:39,960
Speaker 2: It happens to my wife and her sister all the time.

603
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:44,040
Speaker 2: But yeah, I don't know which. Yeah, nice question.

604
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:47,480
Speaker 3: That's so fascinating. Yeah, so walk me through. Okay, so

605
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,920
Speaker 3: we get self awareness, so we're I love that you

606
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:52,560
Speaker 3: started the book with solitude. So we stop being afraid

607
00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:54,919
Speaker 3: of our thoughts because we're doing the and now what

608
00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:59,160
Speaker 3: So we have the saying it's overwhelming, it's freaking us out.

609
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,239
Speaker 3: We're going to deal with it, which I love that.

610
00:28:02,119 --> 00:28:04,720
Speaker 3: And now in the context of becoming in fact, here

611
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:06,000
Speaker 3: is a thing that either you're going to be like

612
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,520
Speaker 3: one hundred percent or this will be where we debate.

613
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:11,560
Speaker 3: I think if you want to be in a relationship,

614
00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:14,439
Speaker 3: you must be worthy of a relationship. Now I'm going

615
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:16,480
Speaker 3: to push it even farther and make Jay Shuddy the

616
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:19,800
Speaker 3: Monk a little uncomfortable. Maybe the ultimate way to think

617
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:22,680
Speaker 3: about it is you are asking somebody to have sex

618
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:26,800
Speaker 3: with you. And that's crazy. It is the weirdest sort

619
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:30,280
Speaker 3: of energetic thing that we do. Like I think about

620
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:32,600
Speaker 3: this a lot. I love this with Lisa. I went

621
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:37,320
Speaker 3: from how my name is Tom to exposing my genitals

622
00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:40,520
Speaker 3: and doing what one does. It's like, that's a big

623
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:43,760
Speaker 3: chasm to cross. And if you're going to ask somebody

624
00:28:43,880 --> 00:28:45,400
Speaker 3: to go on that journey in a way where they're

625
00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:47,040
Speaker 3: as excited as you are and you don't end up

626
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:50,200
Speaker 3: in jail. You have to be somebody that's worthy of that,

627
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:55,360
Speaker 3: and that's a big ask. So one, does that resonate

628
00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:57,080
Speaker 3: or do you think I'm out of my mind? And

629
00:28:57,160 --> 00:29:00,719
Speaker 3: if it resonates, how do people become worthy?

630
00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:02,160
Speaker 2: Well that's very monkish of you.

631
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:05,360
Speaker 1: I mean that you've put sex on a very sacred,

632
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:07,320
Speaker 1: high value facts, right, right.

633
00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:09,280
Speaker 3: So when you said earlier about loneliness, I was like,

634
00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:12,280
Speaker 3: I've actually been the loneliest I've ever been. Was in

635
00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:15,400
Speaker 3: the middle of intercourse, Yeah, which is a crazy thought,

636
00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:19,160
Speaker 3: like I be anymore with the person, and because there

637
00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:21,600
Speaker 3: was no emotional connection, I felt so alone.

638
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,280
Speaker 1: Yes, crazy, I'm so glad you brought that up though, right, Like,

639
00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:27,800
Speaker 1: that's what we understand about loneliness now that loneliness isn't

640
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:29,920
Speaker 1: about the number of people around you. It isn't about

641
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:33,240
Speaker 1: how popular you are. It doesn't matter how many people

642
00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:35,239
Speaker 1: are surrounded by you. If you don't feel understood, if

643
00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:38,160
Speaker 1: you don't feel seen, if you don't feel heard, you're lonely,

644
00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:40,560
Speaker 1: right Like, That's what it is. And so when you're

645
00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:43,959
Speaker 1: saying I'm having sex with someone and I still feel lonely.

646
00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 2: That's real.

647
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:47,080
Speaker 1: But you, from your definition of just how you broke

648
00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:49,600
Speaker 1: that down, you're placing sex is extremely sacred as a

649
00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:50,360
Speaker 1: high value.

650
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:51,640
Speaker 2: There could be lots of.

651
00:29:51,560 --> 00:29:53,680
Speaker 1: People listening or watching, and or maybe people that we

652
00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:56,480
Speaker 1: don't even that aren't in this community that would actually

653
00:29:56,480 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 1: disagree and they'd just be like, well, sex is your sex?

654
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:01,880
Speaker 2: Like what? They don't see it that way? Right, the

655
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:02,720
Speaker 2: way you see it.

656
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,720
Speaker 1: Is probably more aligned with the vaders than the other perspective,

657
00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:06,200
Speaker 1: for sure.

658
00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:08,840
Speaker 2: The idea that if you're about to do.

659
00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:14,440
Speaker 1: Anything intimate with anyone, physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, the amount

660
00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:18,440
Speaker 1: of like exchange of we just talked about exchanging heartbeats

661
00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 1: and breathing. I mean, if you think about how biologically

662
00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:25,280
Speaker 1: affected you are by a relationship, let alone how emotionally

663
00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,200
Speaker 1: and then spiritually affected you are by a relationship, and

664
00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:31,000
Speaker 1: how much karma you share from a spiritual level, how

665
00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:35,200
Speaker 1: much energy and vibration you share on a spiritual level.

666
00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:41,720
Speaker 1: You're talking about like completely syncing up or destroying your

667
00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:45,480
Speaker 1: synergy with someone. And so I would say I agree

668
00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:47,480
Speaker 1: with you. I don't think you're crazy at all. I

669
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:48,320
Speaker 1: think you're spot on.

670
00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:49,680
Speaker 3: So how do you become worthy.

671
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:53,040
Speaker 1: So I think that I mean, I don't think you

672
00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:56,320
Speaker 1: have to complete solitude in order to move on. And

673
00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:58,200
Speaker 1: so in the book, I break down the four things

674
00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:02,000
Speaker 1: that the Vaders breakdown, which is preparing for love, which

675
00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:06,960
Speaker 1: is solitude, practicing love, which is in a relationship right.

676
00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:12,040
Speaker 1: The third is like preserving love because or protecting love

677
00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:15,760
Speaker 1: because there's a part of us when we're burnt through

678
00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:20,760
Speaker 1: love that loses the belief in love or changes. So

679
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:23,000
Speaker 1: there's a protection of love that comes at phase three.

680
00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:26,040
Speaker 1: And phase four is what I call perfecting love. And

681
00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:28,239
Speaker 1: so if those are the four phases, solitude is the

682
00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:30,760
Speaker 1: one preparing for love, and you have to do a

683
00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:34,480
Speaker 1: lot of that becoming worthy in solitude because what I mean,

684
00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:37,120
Speaker 1: we're saying something here that we're I think we're on

685
00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:39,560
Speaker 1: the same page. The idea that if you walk into

686
00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:42,600
Speaker 1: a relationship and you don't know who you are, you

687
00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:44,520
Speaker 1: don't know what you need or what you want and

688
00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:47,720
Speaker 1: what you're building and what you're creating, you're basically going

689
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:49,600
Speaker 1: to hope that the other person is going to answer

690
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:52,920
Speaker 1: all those questions for you, or you're going to outsource

691
00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:57,520
Speaker 1: that inadequacy to them to make you feel worthy. So

692
00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:01,400
Speaker 1: that's why we walk into a relationship and we accept

693
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:06,720
Speaker 1: the currency of attention as love. We accept the currency

694
00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:08,400
Speaker 1: of validation as love.

695
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:10,720
Speaker 3: That's big in a social media culture, right.

696
00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:19,000
Speaker 1: We accept the currency of attention, validation, compliments, comfort, random niceness.

697
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:21,760
Speaker 1: We accept all of that as love because we ourselves

698
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:26,280
Speaker 1: haven't defined and experienced what love looks like on our own. So,

699
00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:29,000
Speaker 1: how you become worthy of another person is first becoming

700
00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:31,200
Speaker 1: worthy for yourself. And what does it mean to be

701
00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:36,440
Speaker 1: worthy for yourself? To me, it's doing hard things alone,

702
00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:40,080
Speaker 1: when you've done hard things alone and you've grown through them.

703
00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:41,280
Speaker 1: And when I say alone, I don't.

704
00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:42,840
Speaker 2: Mean without your family or without friends.

705
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:45,480
Speaker 1: I just mean when you've broken through some of your

706
00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:49,840
Speaker 1: own barriers that gives you a healthier sense of self

707
00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:53,640
Speaker 1: esteem and self worth. I think self worth doesn't come

708
00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:56,040
Speaker 1: from saying affirmations in a mirror. It doesn't come from

709
00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:58,840
Speaker 1: just like pretending to be happy. It doesn't come from

710
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:02,160
Speaker 1: being positive. Your greatest self worth is going to come

711
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:05,080
Speaker 1: from breaking through stuff that you didn't think you could

712
00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:05,560
Speaker 1: break through.

713
00:33:05,800 --> 00:33:07,880
Speaker 3: Do people expect you to say just look yourself in

714
00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:10,280
Speaker 3: the mirror and say I love myself? Yeah?

715
00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:11,400
Speaker 2: I think people.

716
00:33:12,120 --> 00:33:16,320
Speaker 1: I think people sometimes project their own belief of like

717
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:20,240
Speaker 1: the word self love, right, So there is a form

718
00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:22,040
Speaker 1: of self love, like I love going to spas, I

719
00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:24,760
Speaker 1: love getting massages, So I'm into that form of self love.

720
00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:26,920
Speaker 1: But I see that as more self care. I see

721
00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:30,000
Speaker 1: that like caring for myself and things like that. When

722
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:31,680
Speaker 1: I think of self love is just telling myself I

723
00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:35,440
Speaker 1: love myself. I've tried all of those things, and I've

724
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:39,720
Speaker 1: seen how they are not possible when I haven't done

725
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:42,320
Speaker 1: some other work. Yes, right, like me looking in the

726
00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:46,360
Speaker 1: mirror and just saying I'm amazing, I'm wonderful. If I

727
00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:49,520
Speaker 1: haven't done something amazing that day or done something wonderful

728
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:52,400
Speaker 1: that day, I don't believe myself, right, And that's the

729
00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:55,160
Speaker 1: problem people have. They're like, I don't believe it. Now,

730
00:33:55,160 --> 00:33:57,320
Speaker 1: there's two sides to it. I actually believe a lot

731
00:33:57,360 --> 00:34:00,000
Speaker 1: of people have done hard things, but they don't give

732
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:01,280
Speaker 1: themselves credit for it.

733
00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:02,080
Speaker 3: Very possible.

734
00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:04,600
Speaker 1: So there's there's a big group of people, my mom included.

735
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:06,600
Speaker 1: I interviewed my mom recently, not on the podcast I

736
00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:09,239
Speaker 1: want to, but I did what I'm happy I did.

737
00:34:09,239 --> 00:34:11,239
Speaker 1: I interviewed her at a dinner just me and her

738
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:13,280
Speaker 1: because I really wanted to get to know her story.

739
00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:15,120
Speaker 2: But I realized it I didn't feel.

740
00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:18,000
Speaker 3: You record it. I'm guessing it didn't because that with

741
00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:20,920
Speaker 3: my father in law recorded it. It was we shared

742
00:34:20,920 --> 00:34:22,320
Speaker 3: that No.

743
00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:24,160
Speaker 2: No, I would love knowing the background of your father

744
00:34:24,239 --> 00:34:24,520
Speaker 2: in law.

745
00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:27,960
Speaker 3: Dude, that's interesting. We should ask Lisa because it was dope,

746
00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:31,239
Speaker 3: like that guy's story is crazy. Yeah, that's unbelievable.

747
00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:32,440
Speaker 1: And that's what I'm saying that we don't even know

748
00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:35,120
Speaker 1: the people closest to us, right, so love again anyway,

749
00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:37,359
Speaker 1: But that's that's a whole other thing. But I said

750
00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:38,920
Speaker 1: it with my mom. I asked her questions like I

751
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:42,200
Speaker 1: would ask on the podcast. And I was talking to

752
00:34:42,200 --> 00:34:44,040
Speaker 1: her and she was telling me that it's at like

753
00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:48,439
Speaker 1: fifteen years old. I think fifteen sixteen years old.

754
00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:49,680
Speaker 2: She was born and.

755
00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:52,080
Speaker 1: Raised in Yemen. Oh wow, And so yeah, so she's

756
00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:55,560
Speaker 1: living in Yemen. Yemen are trying and it was called

757
00:34:55,560 --> 00:35:00,120
Speaker 1: Aiden at the time. They're trying to the Brits who

758
00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:03,280
Speaker 1: have colonized the country are fighting against the Yemeny soldiers

759
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,200
Speaker 1: and she's studying for her exams while there's gunment on

760
00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:09,799
Speaker 1: her rooftop. Like that's her story, and I'm like, Mom, like,

761
00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:11,640
Speaker 1: you've never told me how bad this was.

762
00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:12,960
Speaker 2: You just told me you left Yemen because of the

763
00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:15,480
Speaker 2: war and moved to England, Like that's the story I know.

764
00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:18,600
Speaker 1: And all of a sudden, I'm discovering that you were

765
00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:22,480
Speaker 1: actually studying for an exam while there's people with guns

766
00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:25,319
Speaker 1: on your roof defending tube and you're in the middle

767
00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:27,799
Speaker 1: of all of that, and you're fifteen years old. And

768
00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:29,759
Speaker 1: she never told me that. I was thinking, she's done

769
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:32,520
Speaker 1: how things and she doesn't even see it that way

770
00:35:32,520 --> 00:35:33,760
Speaker 1: because to her it's normal.

771
00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:37,719
Speaker 3: Interesting do you think she thinks it's normal or do

772
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:43,840
Speaker 3: people confuse enduring which is extraordinary with Oh, but I

773
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:47,840
Speaker 3: didn't actively choose it, and therefore I completely discount.

774
00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:48,480
Speaker 2: It totally totally.

775
00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:50,359
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, at least from my mom, I can

776
00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:52,680
Speaker 1: say that she just sees it as her life. She

777
00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:55,759
Speaker 1: doesn't see it as like hard or easy or that

778
00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:59,160
Speaker 1: that's her kind of way she sees stuff. It's kind

779
00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:00,640
Speaker 1: of how I feel something the world. When I talk

780
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:02,680
Speaker 1: about my monk experience, it's very normal to me, Like

781
00:36:02,719 --> 00:36:04,520
Speaker 1: there's a part and I chose to do it. There's

782
00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:05,880
Speaker 1: a part of me, and there's just like it's normal.

783
00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:08,160
Speaker 1: And people are like, that's crazy, like why would you

784
00:36:08,239 --> 00:36:10,799
Speaker 1: ever become a monk after school? It's so bizarre, But

785
00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:13,160
Speaker 1: to me, it's not that bizarre. And so it takes

786
00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:14,399
Speaker 1: me a minute to be like, oh, wait, a minute,

787
00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:16,120
Speaker 1: is pretty crazy, right, Like not many people do that,

788
00:36:16,160 --> 00:36:19,520
Speaker 1: but I don't sit in that thought that often, and

789
00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:22,120
Speaker 1: so I think there's I think what I'm saying is

790
00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:26,359
Speaker 1: that this becoming worthy is breaking through some of your

791
00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:29,520
Speaker 1: own barriers and limits, whatever they need may be, which

792
00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:33,200
Speaker 1: is what you discover in the solitude. And the more

793
00:36:33,239 --> 00:36:35,360
Speaker 1: you break through those, the more you feel worthy for

794
00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:37,719
Speaker 1: anything and everything, because you go, wow, I've done some

795
00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:40,720
Speaker 1: really tough stuff on my own. I've like really pushed

796
00:36:40,719 --> 00:36:44,040
Speaker 1: myself in this way, I've really tried something new. And

797
00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:47,160
Speaker 1: now you're not looking for that person to fill your worthiness.

798
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:50,000
Speaker 1: You're not looking for that person to say you're amazing

799
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,920
Speaker 1: and you're the best and you're incredible, because you've experienced

800
00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:53,560
Speaker 1: your strength.

801
00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:54,239
Speaker 2: Right.

802
00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:57,040
Speaker 1: When you've experienced your strength, no one can make you

803
00:36:57,040 --> 00:37:01,520
Speaker 1: feel weak. The right person will only make you feel stronger, right,

804
00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:05,320
Speaker 1: And that's the key. When you've already done hard things,

805
00:37:06,200 --> 00:37:08,680
Speaker 1: the people around you will only make you feel stronger.

806
00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:10,400
Speaker 1: That's why you know they're great to be in your

807
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:13,080
Speaker 1: life because they're not making you feel strong, They're making

808
00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:16,440
Speaker 1: feel stronger, whereas what we often find is that whoa whoa, whoa,

809
00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:17,040
Speaker 1: whoa whoa.

810
00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:20,440
Speaker 3: They're not making you feel strong, they're making you feel stronger.

811
00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:20,920
Speaker 2: Correct.

812
00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:22,719
Speaker 1: So I'm saying like, we're not so even even in

813
00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:24,840
Speaker 1: a positive relationship with us, Like when I'm around you,

814
00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:28,000
Speaker 1: right and we have a healthy relationship, we know each

815
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:32,080
Speaker 1: other a fair bit. It's like, I'm I consider myself

816
00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:35,000
Speaker 1: to be self aware and self confident and have a

817
00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:38,160
Speaker 1: high degree of self worth, totally open about it.

818
00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:40,759
Speaker 3: I have no issues, no issues, No reasonable person will

819
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:41,320
Speaker 3: push back on that.

820
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:42,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, no issues with it whatsoever.

821
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:47,360
Speaker 1: And I feel that the people I like to be

822
00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:50,880
Speaker 1: in my life are not people who I'm looking to

823
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:53,800
Speaker 1: support that or or do that, but they're able to

824
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:55,680
Speaker 1: help me discover more about myself.

825
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:57,080
Speaker 2: So there's a sign of strength.

826
00:37:57,360 --> 00:37:58,960
Speaker 1: So I had a client I was working that was

827
00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:01,759
Speaker 1: coaching with last yeah, and he did this for me

828
00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:03,279
Speaker 1: and it was really powerful, And I was like, I

829
00:38:03,760 --> 00:38:06,040
Speaker 1: only like working with clients who also I learned from.

830
00:38:06,120 --> 00:38:09,000
Speaker 1: So I have a selfish motive there, but it's it's special.

831
00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:09,359
Speaker 2: He said.

832
00:38:09,440 --> 00:38:12,719
Speaker 1: I've never met someone who ties up spirituality, business, and

833
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:16,359
Speaker 1: practicality in one person like you do it. And I'm

834
00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:18,800
Speaker 1: not saying that to self promote. I'm saying that because

835
00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:21,360
Speaker 1: he gave me permission to be all three and that

836
00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:22,120
Speaker 1: made me strong.

837
00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:24,480
Speaker 2: Second, and it was just really powerful.

838
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:28,320
Speaker 1: I felt so like freed by that statement to be

839
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:31,239
Speaker 1: all three because it made me stronger. I know I

840
00:38:31,320 --> 00:38:34,000
Speaker 1: adn't those things, but that person made me stronger. That's

841
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:36,560
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. That you gravitate towards when you already

842
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:38,759
Speaker 1: have a sense of self worth, whereas when you don't

843
00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:40,320
Speaker 1: have a sense of self worth, you look for the

844
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:43,080
Speaker 1: person who's saying, oh, you're really good at that, Oh,

845
00:38:43,239 --> 00:38:45,600
Speaker 1: like maybe you should work like you're looking for someone

846
00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:49,160
Speaker 1: to make you feel better about yourself from zero, whereas

847
00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:52,080
Speaker 1: you're already out a ten and someone's like finding new

848
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:54,800
Speaker 1: ways of showing you more of yourself.

849
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:58,200
Speaker 2: That's there's something beautiful about that, agreed. I don't even

850
00:38:58,200 --> 00:38:59,480
Speaker 2: know if I'm articulating clearly, but.

851
00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,839
Speaker 3: Very clearly from my perspective. So I think that there

852
00:39:03,120 --> 00:39:06,640
Speaker 3: is a biological imperative hardwired into the brain that you

853
00:39:06,800 --> 00:39:09,280
Speaker 3: must do hard things in order to feel good about yourself.

854
00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:11,840
Speaker 3: And when I think about it from an evolutionary standpoint,

855
00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:14,400
Speaker 3: and this is why I think rich kids implode. You

856
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:18,480
Speaker 3: just never had to do hard things. From an evolutionary perspective,

857
00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:20,400
Speaker 3: I think it was just so hard to stay alive,

858
00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:23,759
Speaker 3: Like for millions of years, it really was red in

859
00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:26,239
Speaker 3: tooth and claw like to stay alive. You were kill

860
00:39:26,360 --> 00:39:30,000
Speaker 3: or be killed. You were hunting, gathering, fighting other tribes.

861
00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:34,440
Speaker 3: I'm just crazy. And the people that were going to

862
00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:37,080
Speaker 3: survive were going to be the ones that got an

863
00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:43,319
Speaker 3: emotional a self applied emotional reward for doing something hard.

864
00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:45,920
Speaker 3: And when you do something hard, you recognize it. It

865
00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:47,920
Speaker 3: needs to feel good, and if it does, then you

866
00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:50,080
Speaker 3: will keep doing hard things and you're the far more

867
00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:52,640
Speaker 3: likely to survive than the person who's like that sucked.

868
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:55,680
Speaker 3: There was no redeeming qualities. And so it's just like

869
00:39:55,920 --> 00:39:58,480
Speaker 3: when I think about that, because if I were to

870
00:39:58,560 --> 00:40:03,320
Speaker 3: create a recipe for fulfillment, it's very simple. It's working

871
00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:06,719
Speaker 3: really hard, doing hard things to gain a set of

872
00:40:06,800 --> 00:40:10,760
Speaker 3: skills that allow you to serve not only yourself but others.

873
00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:11,480
Speaker 2: That's it.

874
00:40:12,640 --> 00:40:15,000
Speaker 3: That's the whole recipe. But it really has to be

875
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:16,600
Speaker 3: that you had to do something hard. If it came

876
00:40:16,719 --> 00:40:19,640
Speaker 3: easily to you, it won't give you the sense of

877
00:40:20,320 --> 00:40:22,359
Speaker 3: respect that you want. Like the stuff that I've gotten

878
00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:24,200
Speaker 3: more easily in my life, I don't take a lot

879
00:40:24,239 --> 00:40:25,920
Speaker 3: of pride in it. It's always the stuff that I

880
00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:30,680
Speaker 3: grind out, like through pain and suffering, and I endure.

881
00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:32,400
Speaker 3: In fact, I want to read you a quote, this

882
00:40:32,480 --> 00:40:34,960
Speaker 3: is one of my all time favorite quotes. To those

883
00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:38,040
Speaker 3: human beings who are of any concern to me, I

884
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:44,840
Speaker 3: wish suffering, desolation, sickness, ill treatment, indignities. I wish that

885
00:40:44,920 --> 00:40:48,960
Speaker 3: they should not remain unfamiliar with profound self contempt, the

886
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:52,759
Speaker 3: torture of self mistrust, the wretchedness of the vanquished. I

887
00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:55,520
Speaker 3: have no pity for them, because I wish them The

888
00:40:55,719 --> 00:40:59,000
Speaker 3: only thing that can prove today whether one is worth

889
00:40:59,239 --> 00:41:02,960
Speaker 3: anything or not, that one endures.

890
00:41:06,040 --> 00:41:09,640
Speaker 2: That is so rual. I definitely can't. I'm not gonna

891
00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:11,600
Speaker 2: so good like and subscribe.

892
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:16,719
Speaker 1: I think I get the sentiment I would not wish

893
00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:17,960
Speaker 1: on anyone's amazing.

894
00:41:18,120 --> 00:41:21,040
Speaker 3: So pushback as hard as you can, because I love this.

895
00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:24,759
Speaker 3: So if you agree, in fact, where where does it

896
00:41:24,840 --> 00:41:27,080
Speaker 3: break down? Because this is why I don't have kids.

897
00:41:27,280 --> 00:41:31,439
Speaker 3: That is what people need, in my opinion, and you can't.

898
00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:32,120
Speaker 3: I can't do it.

899
00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:33,560
Speaker 2: Yeah I can't.

900
00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:36,600
Speaker 1: Well that's well, that's where we where we disagree, right because,

901
00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:39,560
Speaker 1: like I get the intention and the spirit of it, But.

902
00:41:39,600 --> 00:41:41,960
Speaker 3: Do you think if they avoid it?

903
00:41:42,280 --> 00:41:45,200
Speaker 2: I don't think you have to. I feel like for.

904
00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:50,400
Speaker 1: Most people, for most people, life is already hard in

905
00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:53,360
Speaker 1: some areas. I don't think there's many people I know

906
00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:54,520
Speaker 1: at least where I grow up.

907
00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:56,239
Speaker 3: Does it make them better or worse?

908
00:41:57,160 --> 00:41:59,000
Speaker 1: Well, I don't think they have the tools, which is

909
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:01,279
Speaker 1: why we have TAD Again, we're doing to that, right, Like,

910
00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:02,919
Speaker 1: I don't think that when I look at the people

911
00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:05,160
Speaker 1: I grew up around or the areas I grew up in, and.

912
00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:06,759
Speaker 2: It wasn't the worst of the worst. It wasn't best

913
00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:09,960
Speaker 2: the best. Yeah, it's it's not loved, right, it's not.

914
00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:11,959
Speaker 2: Yeah you've been of course, Yeah, it's not nice.

915
00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:15,920
Speaker 1: And people made bad choices because they didn't have good

916
00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:19,200
Speaker 1: role models, right, Like people made bad choices because they

917
00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:22,160
Speaker 1: didn't have good tools. They didn't make bad choices because

918
00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:25,000
Speaker 1: of just where they were. It's because they didn't have access.

919
00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:27,520
Speaker 1: Today we have access, and that's what we're trying to do.

920
00:42:27,640 --> 00:42:31,040
Speaker 1: I feel with our work because I look at myself

921
00:42:31,120 --> 00:42:34,480
Speaker 1: and I could clearly if I what's that called sliding doors,

922
00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:36,880
Speaker 1: if I m visioned like where my life could have

923
00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:40,200
Speaker 1: been if I didn't take a few steps, I could

924
00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:46,200
Speaker 1: easily have been today addicted to some drug, getting involved

925
00:42:46,239 --> 00:42:50,200
Speaker 1: in things that were highly violent, and finding myself validation

926
00:42:50,400 --> 00:42:51,200
Speaker 1: through gang culture.

927
00:42:51,239 --> 00:42:52,640
Speaker 2: Like I could have so ended up there.

928
00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:55,640
Speaker 1: Like I literally could pinpoint three decisions that could have

929
00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:59,239
Speaker 1: totally took my life in that direction, and none wan

930
00:42:59,400 --> 00:43:00,719
Speaker 1: know who I am today, and I'd be a very

931
00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:03,720
Speaker 1: different person, not because I'm a bad person or because

932
00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:06,880
Speaker 1: I'm attracted to any of those things, just because I

933
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:09,440
Speaker 1: didn't have access. I got lucky, and I see that

934
00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:11,680
Speaker 1: the access that I got to the monks at an

935
00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:15,360
Speaker 1: early age just transformed the trajectory of my life. But

936
00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:18,399
Speaker 1: most people don't meet someone random. We followed the same

937
00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:21,400
Speaker 1: people on Instagram, we followed the same people on YouTube.

938
00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:23,400
Speaker 1: We all watched the same stuff, We listened to the

939
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:27,040
Speaker 1: same stuff. How many people in there last seven days

940
00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:29,440
Speaker 1: could be honest and say they heard from a random

941
00:43:29,600 --> 00:43:33,680
Speaker 1: voice that was unexpected, or they saw a random person

942
00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:35,960
Speaker 1: that they didn't know that sparked a new journey in

943
00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:37,960
Speaker 1: their life. Like, that's how random it was for me

944
00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:39,840
Speaker 1: to meet a monk. I didn't grow up religious, I

945
00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:43,160
Speaker 1: wasn't around monks, I didn't go religiously to meet monks,

946
00:43:43,280 --> 00:43:46,920
Speaker 1: like I met someone who completely sparked a different thought

947
00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:50,200
Speaker 1: when you're sitting down with trauma experts, when I'm sitting

948
00:43:50,239 --> 00:43:53,360
Speaker 1: down with neuroscientists, like I didn't grow up with neuroscientists,

949
00:43:53,480 --> 00:43:54,120
Speaker 1: Like who.

950
00:43:54,080 --> 00:43:57,920
Speaker 2: Are speaking to those people? So I feel, yeah, I

951
00:43:58,040 --> 00:43:59,080
Speaker 2: just feel like that.

952
00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:03,560
Speaker 1: Going back to that statement, I wouldn't wish pain on

953
00:44:03,680 --> 00:44:07,120
Speaker 1: anyone because I feel that life is already hard. I

954
00:44:07,160 --> 00:44:10,239
Speaker 1: would just wish that people opened up their hearts and

955
00:44:10,400 --> 00:44:13,040
Speaker 1: minds to the tools that would help them deal with

956
00:44:13,160 --> 00:44:16,680
Speaker 1: that hardship better and not try and rely on what

957
00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:18,320
Speaker 1: they currently have in their toolkit.

958
00:44:18,800 --> 00:44:20,560
Speaker 2: That would be my wish. It asks me what my

959
00:44:20,719 --> 00:44:21,120
Speaker 2: wish is?

960
00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:21,400
Speaker 1: Right.

961
00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:24,320
Speaker 3: The only way I can like and subscribe to that

962
00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:28,440
Speaker 3: state is if we modify slightly and say, I wish

963
00:44:28,880 --> 00:44:32,120
Speaker 3: that people could develop a profound sense of self worth

964
00:44:33,320 --> 00:44:35,279
Speaker 3: and avoid all of that. But I don't think they can,

965
00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:38,600
Speaker 3: and so this may be a cruel twist of evolution. Like,

966
00:44:38,719 --> 00:44:41,719
Speaker 3: I want to be very clear, I'm not saying I'm

967
00:44:41,800 --> 00:44:44,160
Speaker 3: glad it is this way. I'm just saying I think

968
00:44:44,200 --> 00:44:48,520
Speaker 3: it is this way. Now. My beef with the idea

969
00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:51,919
Speaker 3: of I wish that, you know, these horrible things upon

970
00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:53,600
Speaker 3: people is that it breaks most of the people that

971
00:44:53,680 --> 00:44:58,080
Speaker 3: it touches. But I don't think people can become a

972
00:44:58,239 --> 00:45:00,680
Speaker 3: version of themselves so they'll be proud of unless they

973
00:45:00,760 --> 00:45:01,600
Speaker 3: go through that stuff.

974
00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:05,280
Speaker 1: So I think the compassionate monk and me can't wish

975
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:08,760
Speaker 1: that on someone in that way. And you could argue

976
00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:12,800
Speaker 1: that real compassion is letting the right thing happen to

977
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:14,040
Speaker 1: someone that they need to go through.

978
00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:15,920
Speaker 2: I just don't think and that is what we're.

979
00:45:15,840 --> 00:45:19,320
Speaker 3: Ooh, that's interesting. So here here was my catch with

980
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:21,799
Speaker 3: one of the reasons I didn't have kids. I knew

981
00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:25,560
Speaker 3: I would intervene if something bad was happening. Now, as

982
00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:27,120
Speaker 3: I get older, I feel like I might be more

983
00:45:27,200 --> 00:45:29,520
Speaker 3: capable of letting it happen. But at the time when

984
00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:32,200
Speaker 3: I was sort of peak like should we should we not?

985
00:45:32,320 --> 00:45:35,160
Speaker 3: I was like, I know, I will intervene. Would you intervene?

986
00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:39,239
Speaker 2: It's always do you want to have kids? I don't know.

987
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:40,640
Speaker 2: There's the answer.

988
00:45:40,840 --> 00:45:41,160
Speaker 3: We don't know.

989
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:43,879
Speaker 1: We've been we've talked about it. We're very like we're

990
00:45:43,880 --> 00:45:47,239
Speaker 1: probably at that stage, and so we've been very open

991
00:45:47,280 --> 00:45:47,560
Speaker 1: about it.

992
00:45:47,640 --> 00:45:51,400
Speaker 2: We're like, we don't know. And partly it's these kind

993
00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:51,759
Speaker 2: of things.

994
00:45:51,880 --> 00:45:56,200
Speaker 1: Partly it's how it affects service and impact how there's

995
00:45:56,200 --> 00:45:58,040
Speaker 1: so many there's so many things, right, there's so many

996
00:45:58,400 --> 00:45:59,600
Speaker 1: facets to that question of.

997
00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:02,040
Speaker 3: So, let's say darr who has two children, your co

998
00:46:02,200 --> 00:46:04,279
Speaker 3: host on your show, Yea Darren Jay. For those that

999
00:46:04,320 --> 00:46:10,719
Speaker 3: aren't liking and subscribing yet, would you want them to intervene?

1000
00:46:12,120 --> 00:46:14,640
Speaker 1: When I saw so, I saw a couple of parents

1001
00:46:14,680 --> 00:46:16,320
Speaker 1: that I was friends with a few years back, and

1002
00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:20,440
Speaker 1: I remember that their two year old was like putting

1003
00:46:20,480 --> 00:46:22,960
Speaker 1: her hands through a candle, like on the other side

1004
00:46:22,960 --> 00:46:24,279
Speaker 1: of the room. So we were all hanging out here,

1005
00:46:24,320 --> 00:46:26,520
Speaker 1: there two yearlds running around, and there two year olds

1006
00:46:26,520 --> 00:46:27,800
Speaker 1: on the other side of the candle and they're doing that,

1007
00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:30,640
Speaker 1: and my natural instinct at the time, this is probably

1008
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:35,440
Speaker 1: like maybe like eight years ago, my natural instinct was

1009
00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:37,239
Speaker 1: to go and be like, help that kid. And I'm

1010
00:46:37,239 --> 00:46:40,120
Speaker 1: always mindful of other people's kids too, because I just

1011
00:46:40,160 --> 00:46:40,920
Speaker 1: feel like something, you know.

1012
00:46:41,040 --> 00:46:42,560
Speaker 2: And I was about to jump up and help her,

1013
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:43,640
Speaker 2: and they're like, no, no, I leave it.

1014
00:46:43,840 --> 00:46:46,319
Speaker 1: She's fine, she'll if it hurts us, she'll know next

1015
00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:48,920
Speaker 1: time not to touch that and let her learn by herself.

1016
00:46:49,480 --> 00:46:51,799
Speaker 1: And I was like, wow, that's really impressive, Like I'm

1017
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:53,960
Speaker 1: scared your kid's gonna burn their hand and you're really

1018
00:46:54,200 --> 00:46:56,799
Speaker 1: Now I'm not recommending either or My friends are great

1019
00:46:56,840 --> 00:46:59,319
Speaker 1: parents and they're very loving, and that's the challenge today,

1020
00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:00,480
Speaker 1: right Like a lot of peop would be like, oh

1021
00:47:00,520 --> 00:47:03,000
Speaker 1: my god, they don't care about their kids. I think

1022
00:47:03,040 --> 00:47:04,719
Speaker 1: they do care about their kids. I think they're really

1023
00:47:04,760 --> 00:47:07,520
Speaker 1: great parents, but them allowing them their child to do this.

1024
00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:10,960
Speaker 1: I would then see pictures of them they moved into

1025
00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:12,759
Speaker 1: the countryside and stuff, and their kid would just be

1026
00:47:12,880 --> 00:47:15,680
Speaker 1: like out like swinging on trees, like climbing stuff and

1027
00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:18,400
Speaker 1: falling over. And they were so comfortable with that because

1028
00:47:18,440 --> 00:47:21,120
Speaker 1: they had that mindset that there should be an openness.

1029
00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:25,759
Speaker 1: Now I think there's that openness, but then there's intervening

1030
00:47:25,800 --> 00:47:28,959
Speaker 1: when it gets really painful, Like what if your child

1031
00:47:29,040 --> 00:47:31,719
Speaker 1: gets involved in drugs? Are you not going to intervene?

1032
00:47:31,880 --> 00:47:33,640
Speaker 1: Like are you not going to educate are you not

1033
00:47:33,719 --> 00:47:36,000
Speaker 1: going to And obviously in all the right ways you'd

1034
00:47:36,040 --> 00:47:39,040
Speaker 1: hope would be the healthy ways of intervening. I don't

1035
00:47:39,080 --> 00:47:41,120
Speaker 1: think ever walking in and telling a kid to stop

1036
00:47:41,960 --> 00:47:44,239
Speaker 1: or don't do that, is it ever going to work.

1037
00:47:44,719 --> 00:47:50,319
Speaker 1: But to me, intervening is important at certain points where

1038
00:47:50,320 --> 00:47:52,320
Speaker 1: you think it's like really going off the edge of

1039
00:47:52,360 --> 00:47:55,760
Speaker 1: the cliff, versus when you feel like it's healthy experimentation

1040
00:47:56,000 --> 00:48:00,560
Speaker 1: and you don't. But I'm saying this obviously in theory because.

1041
00:48:00,320 --> 00:48:01,680
Speaker 2: I don't have to. But when I look at it

1042
00:48:01,760 --> 00:48:03,880
Speaker 2: with my the closest person I can compare it to

1043
00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:05,920
Speaker 2: is my sister. So my sister's five years younger than me.

1044
00:48:06,880 --> 00:48:08,439
Speaker 1: When she was born, I held her in my hands

1045
00:48:08,480 --> 00:48:10,680
Speaker 1: and I felt like I've parented her in many ways.

1046
00:48:10,719 --> 00:48:13,160
Speaker 1: She's I call a kid like that's my nickname for

1047
00:48:13,239 --> 00:48:15,920
Speaker 1: my younger sister. And if I look at my sister,

1048
00:48:16,600 --> 00:48:21,600
Speaker 1: I made mistakes by intervening too much sometimes. So I

1049
00:48:21,680 --> 00:48:23,600
Speaker 1: didn't really want her to have a job growing up

1050
00:48:23,640 --> 00:48:26,440
Speaker 1: because I worked a job growing up when I was fourteen,

1051
00:48:26,520 --> 00:48:28,359
Speaker 1: and I didn't really think that that was healthy for her.

1052
00:48:29,160 --> 00:48:30,840
Speaker 1: And now I look back and I was like, realized

1053
00:48:30,840 --> 00:48:33,040
Speaker 1: that was a mistake like I should have let her work,

1054
00:48:33,880 --> 00:48:36,520
Speaker 1: and I don't think that that was a good decision.

1055
00:48:36,560 --> 00:48:38,880
Speaker 1: And so that's me going Okay, well that was a

1056
00:48:38,920 --> 00:48:41,560
Speaker 1: bad intervention. And then there's other things where like we

1057
00:48:41,640 --> 00:48:43,640
Speaker 1: have a really open relationship. She tells me all their

1058
00:48:43,719 --> 00:48:46,399
Speaker 1: challenges with really good friends. She's not scared to tell

1059
00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:49,560
Speaker 1: me something like that's the healthy part of it. And

1060
00:48:49,680 --> 00:48:52,279
Speaker 1: so I look at like how parenting is so tough

1061
00:48:52,280 --> 00:48:54,359
Speaker 1: because you look back and you're like, ah, I'm wiser now,

1062
00:48:54,800 --> 00:48:56,120
Speaker 1: and then you look back and go, oh, I got

1063
00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:59,520
Speaker 1: that right. So I think, whether it's kids or not,

1064
00:49:00,040 --> 00:49:01,840
Speaker 1: I guess my point is I wouldn't wish pain on

1065
00:49:01,920 --> 00:49:04,800
Speaker 1: someone because I think they're going through some sort of pain. Anyway,

1066
00:49:05,200 --> 00:49:08,200
Speaker 1: that's my point. I can't wish pain on someone. That's

1067
00:49:08,520 --> 00:49:09,360
Speaker 1: I'm really I hear it.

1068
00:49:11,040 --> 00:49:12,840
Speaker 3: What is the formula, like if you want to be

1069
00:49:13,200 --> 00:49:16,719
Speaker 3: in a healthy relationship, what what's the number one things?

1070
00:49:17,520 --> 00:49:20,600
Speaker 3: The number one thing people get wrong? And what is

1071
00:49:20,719 --> 00:49:21,040
Speaker 3: the fix?

1072
00:49:21,160 --> 00:49:23,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I'm going to give you three I break

1073
00:49:23,800 --> 00:49:25,560
Speaker 1: them each down in this book. So the three are

1074
00:49:25,640 --> 00:49:27,560
Speaker 1: and the first one simple and basic, then and then

1075
00:49:27,600 --> 00:49:30,920
Speaker 1: it gets more complex and interesting. So the first one

1076
00:49:31,080 --> 00:49:33,480
Speaker 1: is you have to like their personality, you have to

1077
00:49:33,680 --> 00:49:37,000
Speaker 1: like their company, you enjoy being around them, You enjoy

1078
00:49:37,200 --> 00:49:39,600
Speaker 1: being around them for longer periods of time, which is

1079
00:49:39,640 --> 00:49:42,480
Speaker 1: an important experiment. Like I read a study that showed

1080
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:47,000
Speaker 1: to make someone a casual connection, you have to spend

1081
00:49:47,239 --> 00:49:48,760
Speaker 1: forty hours with them.

1082
00:49:48,920 --> 00:49:50,799
Speaker 2: For a casual connection. WHOA.

1083
00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:54,879
Speaker 1: If you want someone to be considered a friend, it's

1084
00:49:55,080 --> 00:49:59,719
Speaker 1: one hundred hours of time with that person. And if

1085
00:49:59,719 --> 00:50:02,800
Speaker 1: you can consider someone a good friend, if you consider

1086
00:50:02,880 --> 00:50:06,640
Speaker 1: someone a good friend a great friend, it's two hundred

1087
00:50:06,760 --> 00:50:11,000
Speaker 1: hours plus. If you can't like someone's company for two

1088
00:50:11,160 --> 00:50:16,000
Speaker 1: hundred hours of undistracted time, chances are you don't really

1089
00:50:16,200 --> 00:50:19,120
Speaker 1: like their personality. We both know people that we would

1090
00:50:19,160 --> 00:50:21,560
Speaker 1: love to spend a weekend with, but we wouldn't want

1091
00:50:21,600 --> 00:50:24,480
Speaker 1: to see them every weekend. That's okay, Those can be

1092
00:50:24,560 --> 00:50:27,560
Speaker 1: great casual friendships. We both know people that we wish

1093
00:50:27,600 --> 00:50:30,359
Speaker 1: we could spend more time with, but we don't prioritize.

1094
00:50:30,880 --> 00:50:32,360
Speaker 1: They're good friends, but they're not going to be the

1095
00:50:32,400 --> 00:50:34,760
Speaker 1: best friends. And then we know people like our wives,

1096
00:50:34,800 --> 00:50:38,840
Speaker 1: who we spend a considerable amount of time with, disproportionately

1097
00:50:38,920 --> 00:50:40,560
Speaker 1: more with them than we do with any other human

1098
00:50:40,640 --> 00:50:44,560
Speaker 1: on the planet, and you know, hopefully we make good decisions.

1099
00:50:44,840 --> 00:50:47,960
Speaker 1: We're happy about those decisions. So when I look at

1100
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:49,520
Speaker 1: it that liking, that's what I mean. I liking that

1101
00:50:49,600 --> 00:50:52,520
Speaker 1: person's company and personality. To give it some tangibility of

1102
00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:55,680
Speaker 1: what that means. The second thing you need and this

1103
00:50:55,880 --> 00:50:58,040
Speaker 1: is where I want to be very clear about my language,

1104
00:50:58,040 --> 00:51:00,960
Speaker 1: because this word gets thrown a lot in relationship talk,

1105
00:51:01,560 --> 00:51:03,440
Speaker 1: but I don't mean it in the same way. So

1106
00:51:03,560 --> 00:51:07,120
Speaker 1: the thing is, you have to respect their values. And

1107
00:51:07,239 --> 00:51:09,719
Speaker 1: what I mean by this is nineteen nine percent of

1108
00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:14,080
Speaker 1: us in relationships are trying to make our partner respect

1109
00:51:14,440 --> 00:51:15,360
Speaker 1: our values.

1110
00:51:15,840 --> 00:51:18,399
Speaker 2: We want them to like what we like. We want

1111
00:51:18,480 --> 00:51:19,719
Speaker 2: them to love what we love.

1112
00:51:20,120 --> 00:51:22,759
Speaker 1: If I'm going to watch football on the weekend, I'd

1113
00:51:22,800 --> 00:51:25,279
Speaker 1: love for you to come with me. If I think

1114
00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:28,080
Speaker 1: that going towards this is really important, you should be there.

1115
00:51:28,560 --> 00:51:31,719
Speaker 1: So we demand that our partner respects our value rather

1116
00:51:31,840 --> 00:51:35,000
Speaker 1: than respecting theirs. And I'll give a tangible example. So,

1117
00:51:36,719 --> 00:51:39,239
Speaker 1: for example, Radi's number one, and I ask a lot

1118
00:51:39,239 --> 00:51:41,399
Speaker 1: of couples to do this exercise. If I'm working with someone,

1119
00:51:41,560 --> 00:51:47,000
Speaker 1: I'll ask couples to rank their top three priorities, including

1120
00:51:47,040 --> 00:51:48,280
Speaker 1: themselves in order.

1121
00:51:49,200 --> 00:51:51,360
Speaker 2: And most of the time one partner will say.

1122
00:51:52,840 --> 00:51:55,680
Speaker 1: You are you the partner, So you would say, Lisa,

1123
00:51:56,560 --> 00:52:00,600
Speaker 1: if you're the kids, you'd say the kids and then themselves.

1124
00:52:01,640 --> 00:52:04,880
Speaker 1: That's a general order that people will put. Now, sometimes

1125
00:52:04,920 --> 00:52:09,120
Speaker 1: you get a curveball where someone goes, me, you the kids,

1126
00:52:09,800 --> 00:52:12,719
Speaker 1: and every time someone writes that, their partner goes, how

1127
00:52:12,760 --> 00:52:14,200
Speaker 1: could you put the kids third?

1128
00:52:14,280 --> 00:52:15,960
Speaker 2: How can the kids be third? Like how does that

1129
00:52:16,040 --> 00:52:16,759
Speaker 2: make any sense?

1130
00:52:17,080 --> 00:52:20,200
Speaker 1: And how can you be first? And it's like, well no,

1131
00:52:20,480 --> 00:52:23,279
Speaker 1: because I know that I don't want to give you

1132
00:52:23,320 --> 00:52:24,880
Speaker 1: my leftovers. I want to give you the best of me.

1133
00:52:25,840 --> 00:52:28,040
Speaker 1: So when you look at respecting someone's value, when I

1134
00:52:28,200 --> 00:52:30,640
Speaker 1: look at rather these values, rather they's number one value

1135
00:52:30,800 --> 00:52:34,719
Speaker 1: is family, her family. My number one value is my

1136
00:52:34,920 --> 00:52:37,960
Speaker 1: purpose and my service to the world. Those are not

1137
00:52:38,080 --> 00:52:39,600
Speaker 1: the same values. A lot of people say you have

1138
00:52:39,640 --> 00:52:41,640
Speaker 1: to have the same values in a marriage. I don't

1139
00:52:41,680 --> 00:52:43,360
Speaker 1: subscribe to that. I don't think you have to have

1140
00:52:43,400 --> 00:52:43,960
Speaker 1: the same values.

1141
00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:44,480
Speaker 2: I think you have to.

1142
00:52:44,680 --> 00:52:46,160
Speaker 1: I think if you're looking for someone with exactly the

1143
00:52:46,200 --> 00:52:47,600
Speaker 1: same values, you're going to take a lot longer to

1144
00:52:47,640 --> 00:52:49,640
Speaker 1: find that person. I don't know anyone in the world

1145
00:52:49,680 --> 00:52:51,200
Speaker 1: that I know that's happily married, and I'd love to

1146
00:52:51,200 --> 00:52:53,480
Speaker 1: break it down with anyone who genuinely could say we

1147
00:52:53,560 --> 00:52:57,279
Speaker 1: have the same exact values. So I respect rather the's

1148
00:52:57,360 --> 00:53:01,640
Speaker 1: values family, which means when family a priority in decision making,

1149
00:53:02,239 --> 00:53:04,759
Speaker 1: when family becomes a priority during the holiday season, when

1150
00:53:04,840 --> 00:53:08,640
Speaker 1: family becomes a topic of conversation, I'm zoned in.

1151
00:53:09,239 --> 00:53:11,720
Speaker 2: That's something she deeply values and cares about.

1152
00:53:12,160 --> 00:53:15,879
Speaker 1: If she's going to choose family over anything, I'm gonna

1153
00:53:15,880 --> 00:53:18,040
Speaker 1: be okay with that because she's made it very clear

1154
00:53:18,120 --> 00:53:20,640
Speaker 1: that's her number one value. Same back at me if

1155
00:53:20,680 --> 00:53:24,000
Speaker 1: I choose purpose over anything. She knows that's going to happen.

1156
00:53:24,480 --> 00:53:27,520
Speaker 1: It's not a surprise. I know so many people who

1157
00:53:27,560 --> 00:53:30,440
Speaker 1: are trying to get their partners to change their value,

1158
00:53:31,000 --> 00:53:34,080
Speaker 1: and I just don't see that happening. Or that person

1159
00:53:34,239 --> 00:53:39,560
Speaker 1: compromises their value and now feels less versions of themselves,

1160
00:53:39,680 --> 00:53:43,200
Speaker 1: like a less adequate version of themselves. And now you're

1161
00:53:43,320 --> 00:53:46,120
Speaker 1: dating the second best version of the person you love.

1162
00:53:46,840 --> 00:53:49,840
Speaker 1: And so that's respecting values. And the third thing is

1163
00:53:50,120 --> 00:53:54,719
Speaker 1: and this is what differentiates it is you are committed

1164
00:53:54,800 --> 00:53:59,239
Speaker 1: to helping them get to their goals. You're committed. I

1165
00:53:59,360 --> 00:54:02,040
Speaker 1: may like your goals, Tom, But we're not in love

1166
00:54:02,160 --> 00:54:04,800
Speaker 1: and we're not in a relationship where I'm committed to

1167
00:54:04,840 --> 00:54:05,640
Speaker 1: your achieving your goals.

1168
00:54:05,680 --> 00:54:05,960
Speaker 2: I love it.

1169
00:54:06,040 --> 00:54:08,320
Speaker 1: I deeply appreciate you in the world. I think you

1170
00:54:08,360 --> 00:54:10,879
Speaker 1: have an amazing impact. But if someone asked me, Jay,

1171
00:54:11,239 --> 00:54:14,239
Speaker 1: you could feel this way about a friend. I'm not committed.

1172
00:54:14,680 --> 00:54:18,080
Speaker 1: I'm not actively doing something. I may support, a collaborate,

1173
00:54:18,120 --> 00:54:20,280
Speaker 1: a help, but I'm not committed. Whereas with my wife,

1174
00:54:20,800 --> 00:54:23,120
Speaker 1: I'm committed on a daily basis, going rather, what do

1175
00:54:23,160 --> 00:54:23,759
Speaker 1: you want in your life?

1176
00:54:23,760 --> 00:54:25,279
Speaker 2: Where are you going? What do you need?

1177
00:54:25,360 --> 00:54:27,640
Speaker 1: What support do you need? What can I do for

1178
00:54:27,719 --> 00:54:29,880
Speaker 1: you to help you get there? It's not about her

1179
00:54:30,040 --> 00:54:32,200
Speaker 1: helping me get to my goals. She's thinking about that,

1180
00:54:32,560 --> 00:54:34,120
Speaker 1: but I'm thinking about how is that? So those are

1181
00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:37,960
Speaker 1: my things for a happy relationship. Those are three key things.

1182
00:54:38,480 --> 00:54:39,960
Speaker 1: I mean, there's so many more things I could go into,

1183
00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:42,399
Speaker 1: but they have to give the overview formulas those three things.

1184
00:54:42,560 --> 00:54:45,560
Speaker 3: So what trips people up? Are they? I'm assuming selection,

1185
00:54:46,000 --> 00:54:48,120
Speaker 3: if that's such a big part, they just select the

1186
00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:48,760
Speaker 3: wrong person.

1187
00:54:49,200 --> 00:54:52,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, why I think people select the wrong person because

1188
00:54:53,000 --> 00:54:57,320
Speaker 1: they are looking for First of all, we select the

1189
00:54:57,320 --> 00:55:00,960
Speaker 1: wrong person because we make so many snap judgments off

1190
00:55:01,000 --> 00:55:06,040
Speaker 1: of a few basic inputs. So one of the things

1191
00:55:06,080 --> 00:55:07,800
Speaker 1: that the wady Is talk about is something called the

1192
00:55:07,920 --> 00:55:11,399
Speaker 1: six opulences. And we've talked about this before, we talked

1193
00:55:11,400 --> 00:55:14,920
Speaker 1: about them in a different context. But the six opulences

1194
00:55:15,000 --> 00:55:22,400
Speaker 1: are fame, wealth, power, beauty, knowledge, and renunciation. Those are

1195
00:55:22,440 --> 00:55:26,200
Speaker 1: the six opulences. These are six things people pursue, people value,

1196
00:55:26,360 --> 00:55:27,240
Speaker 1: people admire.

1197
00:55:27,800 --> 00:55:29,040
Speaker 2: Right, we can all agree with that.

1198
00:55:29,200 --> 00:55:32,080
Speaker 3: I love that renunciation made the list. Yeah, that talk

1199
00:55:32,120 --> 00:55:33,440
Speaker 3: about self awareness.

1200
00:55:33,200 --> 00:55:35,279
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a huge one. And so those six are

1201
00:55:35,280 --> 00:55:36,319
Speaker 2: the six opulences.

1202
00:55:36,800 --> 00:55:38,920
Speaker 1: And what we do in relationships, which is really interesting,

1203
00:55:39,040 --> 00:55:43,359
Speaker 1: is when we find someone has one opulence, we ascribe

1204
00:55:43,480 --> 00:55:48,160
Speaker 1: them other qualities. So someone is wealthy, we assume that

1205
00:55:48,239 --> 00:55:51,200
Speaker 1: they must be organized and that they'll be organized in

1206
00:55:51,280 --> 00:55:55,439
Speaker 1: the home. If someone is attractive, we assume that they'll

1207
00:55:55,480 --> 00:55:59,880
Speaker 1: be able to articulate themselves effectively. If someone is powerful

1208
00:56:00,080 --> 00:56:05,040
Speaker 1: at work, we assume that they're really good at organizing

1209
00:56:05,120 --> 00:56:08,520
Speaker 1: date night. Right, there's these qualities we start ascribing people,

1210
00:56:09,239 --> 00:56:12,279
Speaker 1: and so often what happens is one opulence does this

1211
00:56:12,440 --> 00:56:16,040
Speaker 1: halo effect into making you believe that this person has

1212
00:56:16,080 --> 00:56:18,799
Speaker 1: a lot more gifts and skills and qualities rather than

1213
00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:22,359
Speaker 1: through research and learning and experience. You're just giving them

1214
00:56:22,400 --> 00:56:25,400
Speaker 1: away to that person. And we do this in interviews, right,

1215
00:56:25,480 --> 00:56:27,400
Speaker 1: we all know how the halo effect works in interviews.

1216
00:56:27,440 --> 00:56:30,200
Speaker 1: If you're interviewing a more attractive candidate, you're more likely

1217
00:56:30,280 --> 00:56:34,640
Speaker 1: to hire them. More attractive hostesses and waiters and waitresses

1218
00:56:34,800 --> 00:56:38,520
Speaker 1: get bigger tips. Like this is just how human psychology works.

1219
00:56:38,800 --> 00:56:41,440
Speaker 1: But it's very risky when you choose a life partner

1220
00:56:42,160 --> 00:56:45,040
Speaker 1: based on how attractive someone was for thirty seconds. And

1221
00:56:45,160 --> 00:56:48,279
Speaker 1: so I find that selection goes wrong because of that,

1222
00:56:48,480 --> 00:56:53,000
Speaker 1: because we ascribe qualities because of one opulence rather than

1223
00:56:53,120 --> 00:56:55,640
Speaker 1: actually seeing those qualities. It's like me saying to you,

1224
00:56:57,120 --> 00:57:01,200
Speaker 1: when did Lisa realize she could trust you. I'm hoping

1225
00:57:01,280 --> 00:57:04,560
Speaker 1: it's not day one, because trust is something that has

1226
00:57:04,640 --> 00:57:07,800
Speaker 1: to be proven time and time and time again. Trust

1227
00:57:07,880 --> 00:57:10,520
Speaker 1: is something that she has to see time and time again.

1228
00:57:10,719 --> 00:57:12,480
Speaker 1: He said he was going to be there at this time.

1229
00:57:12,880 --> 00:57:13,600
Speaker 1: He turned up.

1230
00:57:14,400 --> 00:57:16,520
Speaker 2: He said he was going to show up for this moment.

1231
00:57:16,760 --> 00:57:17,480
Speaker 2: He showed up.

1232
00:57:18,040 --> 00:57:21,680
Speaker 1: That's trust. Trust is not built because someone was really

1233
00:57:21,840 --> 00:57:24,320
Speaker 1: nice to you. And so trust is something we throw

1234
00:57:24,320 --> 00:57:26,720
Speaker 1: away and I can dive into the levels of trust too,

1235
00:57:26,800 --> 00:57:27,960
Speaker 1: But you.

1236
00:57:28,000 --> 00:57:30,200
Speaker 3: Know, yeah, I mean if those are the top notch sayings,

1237
00:57:30,400 --> 00:57:31,160
Speaker 3: let's yeah.

1238
00:57:31,280 --> 00:57:33,240
Speaker 1: So I talk about four levels of trust. This is

1239
00:57:33,280 --> 00:57:35,800
Speaker 1: actually in Think Like a Monk, but it fully connects

1240
00:57:35,840 --> 00:57:40,200
Speaker 1: to this book. There are four levels of trust. My

1241
00:57:40,400 --> 00:57:44,440
Speaker 1: belief is that whenever you meet anyone someone knew, your

1242
00:57:44,520 --> 00:57:48,520
Speaker 1: relationship with them should start at zero trust. Now, what

1243
00:57:48,640 --> 00:57:50,680
Speaker 1: we do in life is we believe that there's only

1244
00:57:50,760 --> 00:57:54,120
Speaker 1: two things in everything. We think everything's binary right, black

1245
00:57:54,200 --> 00:57:55,680
Speaker 1: and white, left and right.

1246
00:57:56,240 --> 00:57:57,720
Speaker 2: Trust. Don't trust? Now?

1247
00:57:57,840 --> 00:58:01,280
Speaker 3: Is zero trust sitting at the zero point between trust

1248
00:58:01,320 --> 00:58:02,080
Speaker 3: and distrust.

1249
00:58:02,920 --> 00:58:06,680
Speaker 2: Zero is sitting at no trust beginning yes, because you.

1250
00:58:06,640 --> 00:58:09,360
Speaker 3: Don't have an active like you're not looking at them suspiciously.

1251
00:58:09,560 --> 00:58:11,520
Speaker 1: Correct, So I'm gonna get yes. So I'm gonna give

1252
00:58:11,520 --> 00:58:13,960
Speaker 1: you the level. So the idea, So the first point

1253
00:58:14,040 --> 00:58:18,000
Speaker 1: being that we see trust as too binary. I have

1254
00:58:18,120 --> 00:58:20,480
Speaker 1: people I trust and there's people I don't trust. To me,

1255
00:58:20,640 --> 00:58:23,440
Speaker 1: that's too limited, and it doesn't help because what that

1256
00:58:23,600 --> 00:58:25,840
Speaker 1: means is if I like someone, I automatically trust them,

1257
00:58:26,200 --> 00:58:30,360
Speaker 1: which is massively unhealthy. And so what I'm saying is

1258
00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:34,800
Speaker 1: that zero trust is correct between distrust at the bottom

1259
00:58:35,120 --> 00:58:37,520
Speaker 1: and then trust higher, but there's three levels in between.

1260
00:58:38,240 --> 00:58:40,520
Speaker 1: So when I meet someone, especially if you're dating them.

1261
00:58:40,640 --> 00:58:42,960
Speaker 2: You have zero trust in them. The next step is

1262
00:58:43,040 --> 00:58:44,200
Speaker 2: transactional trust.

1263
00:58:44,680 --> 00:58:48,160
Speaker 1: Transactional trust is I know when this person says they're

1264
00:58:48,160 --> 00:58:51,320
Speaker 1: gonna do something, they do it. I know there's an

1265
00:58:51,400 --> 00:58:54,919
Speaker 1: equal exchange in the transaction. I like, if I say

1266
00:58:55,160 --> 00:58:56,640
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do this work and you're gonna pay me

1267
00:58:56,720 --> 00:58:58,800
Speaker 1: this amount, I know you're gonna pay me at that time,

1268
00:58:59,080 --> 00:59:00,520
Speaker 1: that's transaction trust.

1269
00:59:00,760 --> 00:59:01,440
Speaker 2: It's what you have to do.

1270
00:59:01,520 --> 00:59:03,560
Speaker 1: Employees, it's what you have to do. Teams, it's what

1271
00:59:03,680 --> 00:59:06,040
Speaker 1: you have with colleagues. We don't want this because it's

1272
00:59:06,080 --> 00:59:08,840
Speaker 1: not sexy. It's not it doesn't feel like love. It

1273
00:59:08,880 --> 00:59:12,400
Speaker 1: feels too professional, it feels too corporate. But really, every

1274
00:59:12,440 --> 00:59:14,440
Speaker 1: single person has to go through these levels with you.

1275
00:59:14,800 --> 00:59:18,440
Speaker 1: The next stage is reciprocal trust, where you know someone

1276
00:59:18,520 --> 00:59:20,360
Speaker 1: loves you and appreciates you and will do good for you,

1277
00:59:20,480 --> 00:59:22,120
Speaker 1: but you're not counting, you're not checking.

1278
00:59:22,480 --> 00:59:22,720
Speaker 2: You know.

1279
00:59:22,880 --> 00:59:26,400
Speaker 1: It reciprocates naturally, it cycles around. This is a healthy

1280
00:59:26,480 --> 00:59:29,440
Speaker 1: level of trust after some time where the transaction has

1281
00:59:29,480 --> 00:59:31,920
Speaker 1: been proven over and over again. Now you don't need

1282
00:59:32,000 --> 00:59:35,240
Speaker 1: the contract right now, you don't always need to sign it.

1283
00:59:35,640 --> 00:59:39,600
Speaker 1: And then the fourth stage, which I believe is practically impossible,

1284
00:59:39,680 --> 00:59:42,640
Speaker 1: is unconditional trust, which is that god like trust that

1285
00:59:42,720 --> 00:59:44,800
Speaker 1: we all want in the person we end up with.

1286
00:59:45,160 --> 00:59:49,520
Speaker 1: The problem is we give unconditional trust away early and

1287
00:59:49,640 --> 00:59:52,720
Speaker 1: then we fall down those levels to zero trust. And

1288
00:59:52,920 --> 00:59:55,400
Speaker 1: why we feel so let down by people because it

1289
00:59:55,520 --> 00:59:57,760
Speaker 1: just felt like we felt down four flights of stairs.

1290
00:59:58,120 --> 01:00:01,160
Speaker 1: That's why breaking trust feels so deep, because you gave

1291
01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:05,160
Speaker 1: someone level for trust when you should have started at

1292
01:00:05,280 --> 01:00:08,080
Speaker 1: zero and work their way up. So let people earn

1293
01:00:08,160 --> 01:00:11,120
Speaker 1: your trust when you talk about being worthy, like, let

1294
01:00:11,240 --> 01:00:14,600
Speaker 1: someone earn your trust. Let someone be worthy of your trust.

1295
01:00:14,680 --> 01:00:16,840
Speaker 1: Don't just give it because they're nice and kind and

1296
01:00:16,840 --> 01:00:18,840
Speaker 1: they brought you a gift, right, So.

1297
01:00:18,920 --> 01:00:21,360
Speaker 3: Why do you think we have that instinct? Is it

1298
01:00:21,560 --> 01:00:23,840
Speaker 3: just the halo effect of you are kind to me

1299
01:00:24,160 --> 01:00:26,400
Speaker 3: and I'm letting not spill over into other areas.

1300
01:00:26,680 --> 01:00:28,680
Speaker 1: I think we just want to be loved so desperately.

1301
01:00:29,560 --> 01:00:31,640
Speaker 1: We're so desperate for it because it's been put on

1302
01:00:31,720 --> 01:00:36,880
Speaker 1: this pedestal that this is the defining factor of success

1303
01:00:37,080 --> 01:00:40,360
Speaker 1: in life is could you find someone to love you,

1304
01:00:40,880 --> 01:00:44,120
Speaker 1: because then you'd be lovable then you'd be worthy.

1305
01:00:44,320 --> 01:00:45,840
Speaker 2: Then you'd have what it takes.

1306
01:00:45,920 --> 01:00:48,760
Speaker 1: If you were able to convince someone to spend their

1307
01:00:48,840 --> 01:00:52,480
Speaker 1: life with you, then you're worthy. And we're so desperate

1308
01:00:52,560 --> 01:00:57,120
Speaker 1: for that that we will happily speed through those Instead

1309
01:00:57,120 --> 01:00:59,040
Speaker 1: of two hundred hours, we'll tell someone we love them

1310
01:00:59,080 --> 01:01:03,240
Speaker 1: in two months, because we'd rather have it and think

1311
01:01:03,360 --> 01:01:05,720
Speaker 1: we lost it than to have never found it at all,

1312
01:01:06,400 --> 01:01:08,520
Speaker 1: because never having found it means we were never worthy,

1313
01:01:08,760 --> 01:01:10,200
Speaker 1: whereas if we found it and lost it, and even

1314
01:01:10,240 --> 01:01:12,400
Speaker 1: if it wasn't perfect, at least there was some part

1315
01:01:12,440 --> 01:01:14,680
Speaker 1: of us that was lovable. And that's why we'll stay

1316
01:01:14,720 --> 01:01:17,640
Speaker 1: in toxic relationships. That's why we'll settle for people who

1317
01:01:17,640 --> 01:01:20,240
Speaker 1: are not worthy for us, because we'd rather feel like

1318
01:01:20,360 --> 01:01:22,400
Speaker 1: we're in love than actually build it.

1319
01:01:22,960 --> 01:01:24,440
Speaker 2: And I think that's the challenge, is.

1320
01:01:24,440 --> 01:01:27,120
Speaker 1: That we live in such a feeling world as opposed

1321
01:01:27,160 --> 01:01:30,120
Speaker 1: to a building, creating world, which is a doing world,

1322
01:01:30,160 --> 01:01:32,640
Speaker 1: which is an action world. I start the book with

1323
01:01:33,120 --> 01:01:36,120
Speaker 1: this beautiful statement of this conversation between a student and

1324
01:01:36,200 --> 01:01:40,120
Speaker 1: a teacher, often attributed to the Buddhen. So a student

1325
01:01:40,200 --> 01:01:42,760
Speaker 1: goes up to the Buddhen and says, what is the

1326
01:01:42,920 --> 01:01:47,440
Speaker 1: difference between I like you and I love you. And

1327
01:01:47,520 --> 01:01:50,680
Speaker 1: the Buddha replies, when you like a flower, you simply

1328
01:01:50,800 --> 01:01:54,200
Speaker 1: pluck it and throw it away, or when you love

1329
01:01:54,280 --> 01:01:57,680
Speaker 1: a flower, you water it daily. And to me, that

1330
01:01:58,040 --> 01:02:01,400
Speaker 1: is the difference, because we're so scared. Yeah, we're so

1331
01:02:01,640 --> 01:02:05,160
Speaker 1: desperate to just smell that flower, observe its beauty for

1332
01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:08,480
Speaker 1: a few moments, toss it away. But that person who

1333
01:02:08,560 --> 01:02:10,560
Speaker 1: turns up every day and waters that flower and gives

1334
01:02:10,600 --> 01:02:12,360
Speaker 1: it the sun and gives it the soil, no one

1335
01:02:12,440 --> 01:02:14,800
Speaker 1: wants to be that person. But that's love. Then you

1336
01:02:14,880 --> 01:02:17,600
Speaker 1: have a beautiful garden. Then you have this beautiful view

1337
01:02:17,680 --> 01:02:20,040
Speaker 1: every day of all these flowers that you grew. And

1338
01:02:20,160 --> 01:02:22,600
Speaker 1: so to me, it's the desperation of the feeling of

1339
01:02:22,680 --> 01:02:25,840
Speaker 1: being loved. Is is making a settle for Lester.

1340
01:02:26,480 --> 01:02:28,640
Speaker 3: It's really interesting now you say that nobody wants to

1341
01:02:28,680 --> 01:02:31,400
Speaker 3: be that person because of the effort and energy, Like

1342
01:02:31,680 --> 01:02:33,520
Speaker 3: this is something that Lisa and I say a lot,

1343
01:02:33,560 --> 01:02:34,840
Speaker 3: and I'll be curious to see if you agree with this.

1344
01:02:34,920 --> 01:02:40,200
Speaker 3: I think you will. That love love really isn't enough

1345
01:02:40,320 --> 01:02:42,080
Speaker 3: just to be super cliche for a second, that really

1346
01:02:42,160 --> 01:02:44,760
Speaker 3: a relationship isn't just about love. That's one of the components,

1347
01:02:44,800 --> 01:02:47,120
Speaker 3: but it's going to take a lot of work, but

1348
01:02:47,480 --> 01:02:49,919
Speaker 3: work of the kind that you describe, watering it, making

1349
01:02:49,920 --> 01:02:52,480
Speaker 3: sure it has enough sun, you know, wiping the leaves down,

1350
01:02:52,640 --> 01:02:55,680
Speaker 3: make sure there's no bugs on it. It's an attentiveness, yeah,

1351
01:02:56,160 --> 01:02:57,040
Speaker 3: an investment maybe.

1352
01:02:57,120 --> 01:02:59,520
Speaker 1: And it's un sexy, right. I keep using that word too,

1353
01:02:59,680 --> 01:03:03,400
Speaker 1: because it's not what's been portrayed. It's not what it's

1354
01:03:03,520 --> 01:03:06,520
Speaker 1: meant to feel like. It doesn't look like that Pinterest board.

1355
01:03:07,040 --> 01:03:09,840
Speaker 1: It doesn't feel like the wedding day every day, right,

1356
01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:12,640
Speaker 1: like the challenges that I think. I mean, I was

1357
01:03:12,640 --> 01:03:14,360
Speaker 1: looking at the studies the amount of money that gets

1358
01:03:14,360 --> 01:03:16,040
Speaker 1: spent on weddings. It says the more you spend on

1359
01:03:16,080 --> 01:03:19,880
Speaker 1: your wedding, the more likely aor to divorce earlier. Like really, yeah,

1360
01:03:19,960 --> 01:03:22,560
Speaker 1: that's the trend, Like you have a shorter wedding, the

1361
01:03:22,640 --> 01:03:24,800
Speaker 1: more you spend on your you have a shorter marriage.

1362
01:03:24,800 --> 01:03:26,720
Speaker 1: The more you spend on your wedding is what the

1363
01:03:26,800 --> 01:03:29,000
Speaker 1: studies show. And so when I saw that, I was

1364
01:03:29,120 --> 01:03:32,080
Speaker 1: just like, Wow, I didn't spend that much on my wedding. Thankfully,

1365
01:03:32,200 --> 01:03:34,600
Speaker 1: now I'll get the studies. But I was looking at

1366
01:03:34,640 --> 01:03:36,680
Speaker 1: that and again I'm not again I'm not saying don't

1367
01:03:36,680 --> 01:03:38,240
Speaker 1: have a big wedding. I have a big wedding, and

1368
01:03:38,360 --> 01:03:40,760
Speaker 1: I love big weddings. I love attending. I'm just saying

1369
01:03:40,800 --> 01:03:44,160
Speaker 1: that it's interesting how much if you think about it.

1370
01:03:45,800 --> 01:03:51,800
Speaker 1: When you're planning a wedding, you organize a priest. The

1371
01:03:51,880 --> 01:03:55,400
Speaker 1: priest is there to remind you of your commitments. When

1372
01:03:55,440 --> 01:03:59,600
Speaker 1: you get married, who's your priest? Who's reminding you of

1373
01:03:59,680 --> 01:04:03,320
Speaker 1: yourments every day? We never think about that. When you

1374
01:04:03,400 --> 01:04:05,960
Speaker 1: get married, you have a guest list. The guest list

1375
01:04:06,040 --> 01:04:07,960
Speaker 1: is made up of people who love you and support

1376
01:04:08,000 --> 01:04:13,120
Speaker 1: your marriage. When you're married, how deeply do you think

1377
01:04:13,120 --> 01:04:15,160
Speaker 1: about the people you're surrounded by and how much they

1378
01:04:15,240 --> 01:04:18,480
Speaker 1: build the community of helping you flourish in your marriage.

1379
01:04:19,880 --> 01:04:24,919
Speaker 1: At your wedding day, you think about what you wear,

1380
01:04:25,040 --> 01:04:27,280
Speaker 1: what you say to that person. From the moment you

1381
01:04:27,360 --> 01:04:29,240
Speaker 1: wake up to the moment you go to sleep. You're

1382
01:04:29,520 --> 01:04:32,400
Speaker 1: conscious of eating every one of your words, maybe hopefully

1383
01:04:32,520 --> 01:04:35,000
Speaker 1: trying to be at least in your marriage.

1384
01:04:35,040 --> 01:04:36,000
Speaker 2: That goes out of the window.

1385
01:04:36,040 --> 01:04:37,919
Speaker 1: So you think about the amount of forget the money,

1386
01:04:38,000 --> 01:04:41,800
Speaker 1: the amount of effort that goes into planning one day.

1387
01:04:42,640 --> 01:04:46,480
Speaker 1: Imagine if you took all that effort and used it

1388
01:04:46,840 --> 01:04:50,480
Speaker 1: to plan a marriage. How successful would every marriage be?

1389
01:04:50,680 --> 01:04:50,800
Speaker 2: Right?

1390
01:04:50,840 --> 01:04:53,600
Speaker 1: It's a shift of energy, and it's a shift of

1391
01:04:53,720 --> 01:04:59,120
Speaker 1: mindset and saying we spend so much time, money, energy, resources, attentiveness,

1392
01:04:59,200 --> 01:05:03,560
Speaker 1: your word to plan a wedding, but there's no attentiveness

1393
01:05:03,840 --> 01:05:06,040
Speaker 1: to plan a marriage or a long term relationship if

1394
01:05:06,040 --> 01:05:06,960
Speaker 1: you don't want to be married.

1395
01:05:07,160 --> 01:05:10,320
Speaker 3: Why do you think it is that if you're spending

1396
01:05:10,360 --> 01:05:13,720
Speaker 3: a lot of money on the wedding, that that's inversely

1397
01:05:13,840 --> 01:05:16,280
Speaker 3: correlated to the length of time that you stay married.

1398
01:05:16,400 --> 01:05:20,320
Speaker 3: Is it just messed up priorities? What is that?

1399
01:05:20,520 --> 01:05:23,240
Speaker 1: I mean, I think it's hard to I'd have to

1400
01:05:23,280 --> 01:05:25,960
Speaker 1: look deeper into it. I mean, it's hard to stereotype

1401
01:05:25,960 --> 01:05:28,600
Speaker 1: because I guess there's so many of both, right, I'm

1402
01:05:28,640 --> 01:05:31,240
Speaker 1: sure there's other things that buck the trend. I think

1403
01:05:31,280 --> 01:05:33,640
Speaker 1: there's a part of it that you could say that

1404
01:05:34,840 --> 01:05:38,320
Speaker 1: the bigger the wedding or any gesture, not even wedding,

1405
01:05:38,360 --> 01:05:43,400
Speaker 1: any gesture you're trying to overcompensate for, trying to make

1406
01:05:43,560 --> 01:05:46,920
Speaker 1: this feel like it's special and important. I think sometimes

1407
01:05:46,960 --> 01:05:49,960
Speaker 1: people can throw their partners amazing birthday parties in order

1408
01:05:50,000 --> 01:05:51,000
Speaker 1: to make up for the whole year.

1409
01:05:51,440 --> 01:05:53,000
Speaker 3: What do you think about now? It seems like the

1410
01:05:53,120 --> 01:05:54,880
Speaker 3: trend and I don't have the data, but I'm almost

1411
01:05:54,920 --> 01:05:57,000
Speaker 3: certain this is accurate, that people are getting married less

1412
01:05:57,000 --> 01:05:58,600
Speaker 3: and less and less and less. Yeah, I've seen having

1413
01:05:58,680 --> 01:06:01,800
Speaker 3: less sex less kids. Like it's a trend that freaks

1414
01:06:01,880 --> 01:06:04,320
Speaker 3: me out. Are you at all concerned?

1415
01:06:05,000 --> 01:06:05,920
Speaker 2: That's a great question.

1416
01:06:06,200 --> 01:06:13,360
Speaker 1: I'm not concerned about people not getting officially married if

1417
01:06:13,480 --> 01:06:16,720
Speaker 1: they're in committed, long term relationships that are healthy.

1418
01:06:16,880 --> 01:06:18,320
Speaker 3: I think it's a catastrophic error.

1419
01:06:18,480 --> 01:06:21,800
Speaker 2: Interesting. Why do you think the certificate and the commitments are.

1420
01:06:21,680 --> 01:06:26,000
Speaker 3: Imporant abstracted from the certificate? You need to do something.

1421
01:06:26,160 --> 01:06:30,000
Speaker 3: There is a lack of ritual in our lives now.

1422
01:06:30,800 --> 01:06:33,520
Speaker 3: So I read The Power of Myth when I was

1423
01:06:33,880 --> 01:06:36,240
Speaker 3: I think maybe even before I met Lisa, but certainly

1424
01:06:36,280 --> 01:06:40,040
Speaker 3: before we got married, and the book was talking about how, hey,

1425
01:06:40,160 --> 01:06:42,280
Speaker 3: the big problem with society today is there's no coming

1426
01:06:42,320 --> 01:06:44,520
Speaker 3: of age ritual. Part of the reason the divorce rate

1427
01:06:44,600 --> 01:06:48,080
Speaker 3: is so high, he speculated, was because there was no

1428
01:06:48,400 --> 01:06:51,720
Speaker 3: like real ceremony that meant something, that reminded people you're

1429
01:06:51,760 --> 01:06:53,800
Speaker 3: a different person on the other side of this. And

1430
01:06:53,960 --> 01:06:57,160
Speaker 3: so for me, I read that and was like, Okay,

1431
01:06:57,240 --> 01:06:58,800
Speaker 3: when I get married, that's going to be it one

1432
01:06:58,880 --> 01:07:02,400
Speaker 3: and done, never again, barring death, and or I mean, look,

1433
01:07:02,440 --> 01:07:03,960
Speaker 3: you make this point in the book several times. If

1434
01:07:03,960 --> 01:07:07,000
Speaker 3: you're an abusive relationship, get out. I one hundred percent

1435
01:07:07,040 --> 01:07:08,840
Speaker 3: agree with that, assuming I'm not.

1436
01:07:10,920 --> 01:07:10,960
Speaker 2: That.

1437
01:07:11,400 --> 01:07:15,080
Speaker 3: I wanted something that would really remind me that I

1438
01:07:15,160 --> 01:07:17,200
Speaker 3: was a different person. So I wanted it to be painful,

1439
01:07:17,240 --> 01:07:20,320
Speaker 3: and I wanted it to be permanent, and so I,

1440
01:07:20,840 --> 01:07:24,000
Speaker 3: as an act of a ritualistic scarification, I got a

1441
01:07:24,080 --> 01:07:28,120
Speaker 3: tattoo and got married and had the priests and the

1442
01:07:28,160 --> 01:07:31,280
Speaker 3: waving of the smoke and all that. And even though

1443
01:07:31,640 --> 01:07:33,640
Speaker 3: it was all in not only Greek, which I didn't

1444
01:07:33,640 --> 01:07:35,600
Speaker 3: speak at the time, it was an ancient Greek, so

1445
01:07:35,680 --> 01:07:37,880
Speaker 3: whatever few words I did know, I really couldn't hang

1446
01:07:38,000 --> 01:07:41,520
Speaker 3: on to. But there was something about the sense of

1447
01:07:41,680 --> 01:07:44,400
Speaker 3: ritual and importance of people in fancy dress and like

1448
01:07:44,520 --> 01:07:48,880
Speaker 3: all of that that it really did allow me because

1449
01:07:48,920 --> 01:07:51,800
Speaker 3: I was willing to say, this is a big moment,

1450
01:07:52,720 --> 01:07:54,960
Speaker 3: I'm never going to be the same again, and then

1451
01:07:55,040 --> 01:07:57,680
Speaker 3: reinforce that by getting the tattoo, and the whole time

1452
01:07:57,720 --> 01:07:59,480
Speaker 3: I was getting the tattoo, I was focusing on the

1453
01:07:59,520 --> 01:08:02,200
Speaker 3: pain and say saying this is forever. This is a

1454
01:08:02,240 --> 01:08:04,840
Speaker 3: way of permanently altering my body so that I never

1455
01:08:05,000 --> 01:08:07,680
Speaker 3: forget that I've made a commitment. And I think people,

1456
01:08:08,240 --> 01:08:11,680
Speaker 3: if you're not even willing to go through a typical

1457
01:08:11,920 --> 01:08:18,559
Speaker 3: marriage ceremony, like brah, your chances of going through dude. Look,

1458
01:08:18,920 --> 01:08:21,360
Speaker 3: first of all, I've been married for twenty years. I

1459
01:08:21,479 --> 01:08:25,439
Speaker 3: know what I'm talking about. And this went from I

1460
01:08:25,720 --> 01:08:28,559
Speaker 3: was going to be the breadwinner wife, stay at home,

1461
01:08:28,680 --> 01:08:30,840
Speaker 3: take care of the kids, to not having kids and

1462
01:08:30,920 --> 01:08:33,080
Speaker 3: my wife becoming an entrepreneur. If you don't think that

1463
01:08:33,280 --> 01:08:36,000
Speaker 3: was like some radical change. And through all of that,

1464
01:08:36,880 --> 01:08:41,080
Speaker 3: I just knew divorce isn't an option. So since I'm

1465
01:08:41,439 --> 01:08:45,519
Speaker 3: completely unwilling to be in a loveless marriage, how do

1466
01:08:45,600 --> 01:08:48,360
Speaker 3: we grow together? And because it was like, well, I'm

1467
01:08:48,439 --> 01:08:50,639
Speaker 3: not going to be in an unhappy marriage and I'm

1468
01:08:50,680 --> 01:08:53,960
Speaker 3: not exiting the marriage, that only leaves making the marriage awesome,

1469
01:08:54,439 --> 01:08:56,599
Speaker 3: And so all of a sudden, it's like, okay, well,

1470
01:08:56,680 --> 01:08:59,679
Speaker 3: clarity of thought, I need to focus on making this awesome.

1471
01:09:00,360 --> 01:09:03,360
Speaker 3: And when people don't have that, there's just an attitude

1472
01:09:03,400 --> 01:09:08,519
Speaker 3: of like disposability from sex to marriage. And look, I

1473
01:09:08,600 --> 01:09:13,200
Speaker 3: am not opposed to casual sex. I've had my share.

1474
01:09:13,520 --> 01:09:16,280
Speaker 3: It was mostly fun. There were a couple of times

1475
01:09:16,320 --> 01:09:18,559
Speaker 3: we talked about earlier where I was like, Okay, well,

1476
01:09:18,760 --> 01:09:20,840
Speaker 3: even if it's a one night stand, I need to

1477
01:09:20,880 --> 01:09:23,639
Speaker 3: be interested in the person. That's my own personal realization.

1478
01:09:24,160 --> 01:09:29,040
Speaker 3: So I think people need to take that not more seriously,

1479
01:09:29,880 --> 01:09:34,439
Speaker 3: like terrifyingly seriously, because that person is going to shape

1480
01:09:34,479 --> 01:09:36,760
Speaker 3: you in ways you can't imagine. And if you go

1481
01:09:36,880 --> 01:09:40,240
Speaker 3: into that like whatever, like you're living your life by

1482
01:09:40,280 --> 01:09:42,599
Speaker 3: the law of accident. And I see that echoed through.

1483
01:09:42,680 --> 01:09:44,880
Speaker 1: So I love the idea of what you said about ritual,

1484
01:09:45,080 --> 01:09:47,240
Speaker 1: Like I think richual is a powerful They're important.

1485
01:09:47,439 --> 01:09:51,519
Speaker 2: I mean they're totally part vaded culture. Like ritual's everything.

1486
01:09:52,000 --> 01:09:53,640
Speaker 2: Like rituals are those you know.

1487
01:09:53,960 --> 01:09:56,880
Speaker 3: Me and weddings are like days, seven days Jesus.

1488
01:09:57,160 --> 01:09:59,600
Speaker 1: To make you realize having put on this commitment is

1489
01:09:59,720 --> 01:10:02,000
Speaker 1: like you get married with someone over seven days and

1490
01:10:02,120 --> 01:10:04,160
Speaker 1: you meet all their family and they meet all of yours.

1491
01:10:04,560 --> 01:10:07,120
Speaker 1: Like there's an imprint, right, And that's the word is

1492
01:10:07,200 --> 01:10:11,400
Speaker 1: some scara, Like some scara means impression or imprint. These

1493
01:10:11,760 --> 01:10:16,519
Speaker 1: rituals leave imprints or impressions that are powerful to help

1494
01:10:16,600 --> 01:10:19,000
Speaker 1: you become new or to become more.

1495
01:10:19,520 --> 01:10:21,479
Speaker 2: And so I agree with that.

1496
01:10:22,160 --> 01:10:27,200
Speaker 1: And the only thing that I think I'm open to

1497
01:10:28,200 --> 01:10:33,200
Speaker 1: is that people take a little bit longer to decide

1498
01:10:33,920 --> 01:10:37,320
Speaker 1: before they commit, and that if you are in a

1499
01:10:37,400 --> 01:10:40,360
Speaker 1: marriage that I think there are just so many people

1500
01:10:40,400 --> 01:10:44,000
Speaker 1: today that are married that aren't using your mindset of

1501
01:10:44,840 --> 01:10:46,599
Speaker 1: I don't want to be in a loveless marriage.

1502
01:10:46,680 --> 01:10:47,120
Speaker 2: What do we do?

1503
01:10:47,280 --> 01:10:47,320
Speaker 3: Like?

1504
01:10:47,400 --> 01:10:49,400
Speaker 2: I literally will And by.

1505
01:10:49,280 --> 01:10:50,960
Speaker 1: The way, I see you and Lisa as just like

1506
01:10:51,400 --> 01:10:53,559
Speaker 1: I Talking to you about this stuff is so exciting

1507
01:10:53,640 --> 01:10:55,920
Speaker 1: for me because I love how you and Lisa love

1508
01:10:55,960 --> 01:10:57,880
Speaker 1: each other. I love how you talk about your rules.

1509
01:10:58,120 --> 01:11:00,360
Speaker 1: I love how you talk about your principles. I love

1510
01:11:00,439 --> 01:11:02,519
Speaker 1: how you talk about the lessons and I agree with them.

1511
01:11:02,560 --> 01:11:05,679
Speaker 1: Like I think we're very aligned and I'm very much earlier.

1512
01:11:05,760 --> 01:11:08,080
Speaker 1: This book isn't about my relationship. This book isn't about

1513
01:11:08,840 --> 01:11:12,160
Speaker 1: look at how successful my marriages. I've not been married

1514
01:11:12,200 --> 01:11:14,479
Speaker 1: for that long. This book is about studies and the

1515
01:11:14,560 --> 01:11:16,480
Speaker 1: vaders and science and the research.

1516
01:11:16,200 --> 01:11:16,719
Speaker 2: And the tools.

1517
01:11:17,280 --> 01:11:19,439
Speaker 1: But the one thing I will say is that I

1518
01:11:20,760 --> 01:11:24,000
Speaker 1: check in with RADI regularly and I'll often do an

1519
01:11:24,000 --> 01:11:27,519
Speaker 1: alternative and I'll say, is this relationship going in the

1520
01:11:27,640 --> 01:11:30,760
Speaker 1: direction you want, and I'll check in with it. I'll say,

1521
01:11:30,960 --> 01:11:34,200
Speaker 1: is this relationship actually going in the direction you want?

1522
01:11:34,760 --> 01:11:38,120
Speaker 1: If it is great, what are we doing right? And

1523
01:11:38,240 --> 01:11:40,960
Speaker 1: if it isn't, what direction do you want to go in?

1524
01:11:41,640 --> 01:11:44,280
Speaker 1: And what is that require of you? And what is

1525
01:11:44,360 --> 01:11:47,040
Speaker 1: that require of me? And I'll be ready to commit

1526
01:11:47,120 --> 01:11:50,000
Speaker 1: to that. And that has been one of the healthiest

1527
01:11:50,040 --> 01:11:52,560
Speaker 1: questions for me to ask, because I'm like you, I

1528
01:11:52,600 --> 01:11:56,799
Speaker 1: don't want to live longer than a couple of hours

1529
01:11:57,520 --> 01:12:01,400
Speaker 1: in a loveless relationships and it's something within my control.

1530
01:12:01,840 --> 01:12:04,360
Speaker 1: Like I don't want something within my control to be

1531
01:12:04,760 --> 01:12:07,559
Speaker 1: painful for longer than it needs to be. I don't

1532
01:12:07,600 --> 01:12:09,040
Speaker 1: want to be in a relationship where I don't talk

1533
01:12:09,080 --> 01:12:10,560
Speaker 1: to you for a week. I don't want to be

1534
01:12:10,600 --> 01:12:12,479
Speaker 1: in a relationship where we argue for a month about

1535
01:12:12,520 --> 01:12:15,120
Speaker 1: the same thing. I didn't subscribe to that, Like, that's

1536
01:12:15,160 --> 01:12:17,640
Speaker 1: not what I committed to, Like I didn't set my

1537
01:12:17,760 --> 01:12:20,320
Speaker 1: life up in a way to live with pain for

1538
01:12:20,479 --> 01:12:23,360
Speaker 1: years and years and years. And I saw that in

1539
01:12:23,439 --> 01:12:25,160
Speaker 1: my family, and I was like, no way do I

1540
01:12:25,200 --> 01:12:26,640
Speaker 1: want to create that in my life. So I'm going

1541
01:12:26,680 --> 01:12:28,960
Speaker 1: to do everything possible, But what I find is that

1542
01:12:29,120 --> 01:12:32,240
Speaker 1: a lot of people are in relationships where there isn't

1543
01:12:32,479 --> 01:12:36,880
Speaker 1: a collaborative approach. I at least kN you are collaborators

1544
01:12:36,960 --> 01:12:39,400
Speaker 1: in this. Me and RADI are growing into collaborates. And

1545
01:12:39,439 --> 01:12:43,040
Speaker 1: this is like, if you're not with someone who's collaborative,

1546
01:12:43,120 --> 01:12:45,040
Speaker 1: it's really tough. I meet a lot of people who

1547
01:12:45,040 --> 01:12:46,840
Speaker 1: are like, I'm ready to do the work. I want

1548
01:12:46,880 --> 01:12:51,120
Speaker 1: to do the work, but then their partner doesn't reciprocate

1549
01:12:51,240 --> 01:12:54,720
Speaker 1: with any energy or any enthusiasm because they think we

1550
01:12:54,840 --> 01:12:57,960
Speaker 1: already did it. We got married, we had the kids,

1551
01:12:58,360 --> 01:13:00,120
Speaker 1: we both have a job, we have a house you

1552
01:13:00,200 --> 01:13:03,000
Speaker 1: worried about, right, Like, that's the response people here. And

1553
01:13:03,080 --> 01:13:04,840
Speaker 1: I'm speaking to that person and saying, well, if you

1554
01:13:04,880 --> 01:13:08,120
Speaker 1: need to slow down getting married, it's okay. And if

1555
01:13:08,200 --> 01:13:10,719
Speaker 1: you are married and it's not going in the right direction,

1556
01:13:10,840 --> 01:13:13,800
Speaker 1: that's okay. But because I don't want to put I

1557
01:13:13,840 --> 01:13:15,439
Speaker 1: don't want to put pressure on people to think that

1558
01:13:15,560 --> 01:13:18,000
Speaker 1: marriage is the achievement. And I know you're not doing

1559
01:13:18,080 --> 01:13:20,280
Speaker 1: that either, but I think a lot of people see

1560
01:13:20,320 --> 01:13:24,080
Speaker 1: marriages the end and the achievement as opposed to the beginning.

1561
01:13:24,680 --> 01:13:27,760
Speaker 3: It's the container, it's the container, but it's not seen

1562
01:13:27,840 --> 01:13:30,920
Speaker 3: that way. Yeah, it's interesting. So Lisa and I got married.

1563
01:13:31,040 --> 01:13:34,599
Speaker 3: At the time, it's it did feel like we were young,

1564
01:13:34,800 --> 01:13:37,400
Speaker 3: but by today's standards, we were infants.

1565
01:13:37,479 --> 01:13:37,799
Speaker 2: Aha.

1566
01:13:38,080 --> 01:13:41,800
Speaker 3: It's really crazy. But when I think about how much

1567
01:13:42,360 --> 01:13:46,360
Speaker 3: if you can construct the right container, it will improve

1568
01:13:46,479 --> 01:13:49,879
Speaker 3: your life vastly. The reason I'm so celebratory of marriage

1569
01:13:50,040 --> 01:13:53,000
Speaker 3: is that nothing, and I mean nothing, not business, ambition

1570
01:13:53,120 --> 01:13:55,400
Speaker 3: and self improvement. Nothing has given me as much as

1571
01:13:55,479 --> 01:13:58,120
Speaker 3: my marriage now because I treat it like the flower

1572
01:13:58,200 --> 01:14:00,479
Speaker 3: that I water and keep the bugs off and make

1573
01:14:00,520 --> 01:14:01,960
Speaker 3: sure it gets sunlight and all that stuff. I mean,

1574
01:14:02,000 --> 01:14:05,000
Speaker 3: it's a massive amount of time and attention. But when

1575
01:14:05,040 --> 01:14:07,360
Speaker 3: I think about what the human animal is wired for,

1576
01:14:09,600 --> 01:14:14,840
Speaker 3: it actually isn't necessarily just a monogamous marriage, but you

1577
01:14:15,680 --> 01:14:17,639
Speaker 3: can go in different paths. It's actually something I wasn't

1578
01:14:17,640 --> 01:14:19,760
Speaker 3: sure if it would come up today. I think that

1579
01:14:19,880 --> 01:14:23,320
Speaker 3: there is a buffet of offerings that are available to

1580
01:14:23,680 --> 01:14:27,679
Speaker 3: work with human wiring. And depending on the circumstance into

1581
01:14:27,760 --> 01:14:32,919
Speaker 3: which you are born, you will either be in polyamorous

1582
01:14:33,960 --> 01:14:37,960
Speaker 3: polyandros where there's multiple males which is to one female,

1583
01:14:37,960 --> 01:14:42,960
Speaker 3: which is very unusual, and then monogamous and it's utterly

1584
01:14:43,080 --> 01:14:46,760
Speaker 3: I'm so aware that those are real that I make

1585
01:14:46,840 --> 01:14:51,000
Speaker 3: sure that I take more time and attention to grow

1586
01:14:51,560 --> 01:14:54,680
Speaker 3: the one that I'm in in the right way, if

1587
01:14:54,760 --> 01:14:57,840
Speaker 3: that makes sense. So, but knowing that I do have

1588
01:14:57,920 --> 01:15:00,640
Speaker 3: the wiring to thrive within this, have to be very

1589
01:15:00,720 --> 01:15:05,040
Speaker 3: thoughtful about how we mix that cocktail. In the book,

1590
01:15:05,080 --> 01:15:08,720
Speaker 3: you talk about like defining love and making sure that

1591
01:15:08,880 --> 01:15:11,519
Speaker 3: you understand each other's fighting styles, and all of that

1592
01:15:11,880 --> 01:15:17,479
Speaker 3: gets really wonderfully practical. You've got the fighting quiz where

1593
01:15:17,560 --> 01:15:19,719
Speaker 3: people can go figure out, like what's my fighting style?

1594
01:15:19,880 --> 01:15:23,480
Speaker 3: Do you put the same kind of attention on understanding

1595
01:15:24,080 --> 01:15:26,679
Speaker 3: whether the words you use or masculine energy or feminine.

1596
01:15:26,760 --> 01:15:28,320
Speaker 1: I didn't spend a lot of time in the book

1597
01:15:28,400 --> 01:15:31,360
Speaker 1: on masculine and feminine energy only because I think that

1598
01:15:32,280 --> 01:15:36,840
Speaker 1: it's not in our current vocabulary, and it's not really

1599
01:15:37,040 --> 01:15:43,600
Speaker 1: how the Vedas ultimately treat everyone as a soul. And

1600
01:15:43,760 --> 01:15:49,320
Speaker 1: so that's already beyond gender and beyond energy in the

1601
01:15:49,400 --> 01:15:51,439
Speaker 1: sense that we are all equal energy. So the ved

1602
01:15:51,439 --> 01:15:53,439
Speaker 1: has come at it from a standpoint of you and

1603
01:15:53,640 --> 01:15:57,720
Speaker 1: me are made of the same stuff consciousness wise, there

1604
01:15:57,800 --> 01:15:59,680
Speaker 1: is no difference in the consciousness that you onn that

1605
01:15:59,760 --> 01:16:02,400
Speaker 1: I am, or anyone in this room or anyone in

1606
01:16:02,479 --> 01:16:05,280
Speaker 1: the world, and therefore I am not superior inferior to

1607
01:16:05,360 --> 01:16:07,800
Speaker 1: any other individual. Hence we can only ever be a team.

1608
01:16:08,280 --> 01:16:09,880
Speaker 1: So when you really going to the core of the

1609
01:16:09,960 --> 01:16:12,640
Speaker 1: teachings that I kind of live my life by, I

1610
01:16:12,760 --> 01:16:15,800
Speaker 1: can't start to see better or worse, or bigger or not.

1611
01:16:16,000 --> 01:16:18,240
Speaker 1: So I don't just look at Radi as a team

1612
01:16:18,280 --> 01:16:20,559
Speaker 1: member on the fact that she's my wife. I see

1613
01:16:20,560 --> 01:16:22,680
Speaker 1: as a team member because I see her as consciousness

1614
01:16:22,720 --> 01:16:25,200
Speaker 1: and divine energy, which is the same as the energy

1615
01:16:25,280 --> 01:16:25,840
Speaker 1: that's within me.

1616
01:16:26,200 --> 01:16:28,120
Speaker 2: Because I'm not this body, right Like.

1617
01:16:28,200 --> 01:16:31,400
Speaker 1: I genuinely believe that the core of my being is

1618
01:16:31,479 --> 01:16:33,960
Speaker 1: that I'm not a physical body, and so it's very

1619
01:16:34,000 --> 01:16:36,920
Speaker 1: hard for me to get lost in conversations around physical

1620
01:16:36,960 --> 01:16:41,559
Speaker 1: body and gender based or masculine feminine energy because at

1621
01:16:41,600 --> 01:16:45,000
Speaker 1: the core of it, that's not how I'm structuring my life.

1622
01:16:45,400 --> 01:16:47,439
Speaker 3: How does that influence the way that you think about it?

1623
01:16:47,439 --> 01:16:50,479
Speaker 3: Because I'm the exact opposite. I am. I am of

1624
01:16:50,680 --> 01:16:53,920
Speaker 3: this body nothing else. When I die, it's a light switch,

1625
01:16:54,000 --> 01:16:56,840
Speaker 3: I'm gone. If you take a needle in jab a

1626
01:16:56,880 --> 01:16:58,639
Speaker 3: part of my brain, it's going to impact how I'm

1627
01:16:58,640 --> 01:17:03,640
Speaker 3: able to process the world. So it's very direct how

1628
01:17:03,840 --> 01:17:06,080
Speaker 3: I which is probably a big part of the reason

1629
01:17:06,160 --> 01:17:09,479
Speaker 3: I'm so tactical. I just view the world through that lens.

1630
01:17:09,560 --> 01:17:13,680
Speaker 3: It is my temperament. So if you don't have that,

1631
01:17:13,760 --> 01:17:16,720
Speaker 3: would you call yourself a duellist? Like where spirit and

1632
01:17:16,800 --> 01:17:18,040
Speaker 3: body are completely separate?

1633
01:17:18,400 --> 01:17:22,240
Speaker 1: No, So it's like, well so yeah, So in off

1634
01:17:22,240 --> 01:17:25,519
Speaker 1: Phloso it's called simultaneous one indifference, so it's both.

1635
01:17:25,760 --> 01:17:30,320
Speaker 2: It's like you have the I'm I'm living in this body,

1636
01:17:30,680 --> 01:17:31,880
Speaker 2: but I am not this body.

1637
01:17:32,439 --> 01:17:34,439
Speaker 3: So the idea you be separated from, Like, do you

1638
01:17:34,520 --> 01:17:37,320
Speaker 3: believe in an immortal soul that will outlive everybody? Yes? Yes,

1639
01:17:37,640 --> 01:17:40,200
Speaker 3: and sorry to be so grounded in the physical. Does

1640
01:17:40,280 --> 01:17:44,479
Speaker 3: that continue to exist in a physical place or there

1641
01:17:44,600 --> 01:17:47,080
Speaker 3: is another realm that we don't have access to when

1642
01:17:47,080 --> 01:17:47,920
Speaker 3: we're in this body.

1643
01:17:48,320 --> 01:17:52,280
Speaker 2: Yeah. So the philosophical understanding that I have is that.

1644
01:17:54,040 --> 01:17:58,479
Speaker 1: The consciousness continues to seek physical form to experience physical

1645
01:17:58,560 --> 01:18:02,200
Speaker 1: pleasure and physically experiences until the point that it is

1646
01:18:02,280 --> 01:18:05,640
Speaker 1: materially exhausted and is able to truly live in its

1647
01:18:05,680 --> 01:18:09,960
Speaker 1: full consciousness, not needing a physical form to exercise physical

1648
01:18:10,040 --> 01:18:10,360
Speaker 1: needs and.

1649
01:18:10,360 --> 01:18:13,800
Speaker 3: Design, and how does that consciousness manifest itself once it's

1650
01:18:13,880 --> 01:18:16,400
Speaker 3: transcended the pursuit of physical pleasure.

1651
01:18:17,400 --> 01:18:20,360
Speaker 1: It's described in quality, not in Obviously I have no

1652
01:18:20,439 --> 01:18:23,360
Speaker 1: experienced that, so sure my only experience of it is

1653
01:18:23,400 --> 01:18:24,799
Speaker 1: through meditation and practice.

1654
01:18:25,439 --> 01:18:29,080
Speaker 3: And is it an intuitive understanding that you would be

1655
01:18:29,240 --> 01:18:30,719
Speaker 3: hard pressed to put into language.

1656
01:18:31,240 --> 01:18:32,040
Speaker 2: No, it's a state.

1657
01:18:32,320 --> 01:18:35,160
Speaker 1: Well, the state is described as full of knowledge, eternal,

1658
01:18:35,240 --> 01:18:37,960
Speaker 1: and full of bliss. That's the state in which we're living.

1659
01:18:38,760 --> 01:18:44,080
Speaker 1: And so what I'm explaining is that through what we

1660
01:18:44,240 --> 01:18:48,439
Speaker 1: call purification of consciousness, once the material body is no

1661
01:18:48,560 --> 01:18:52,440
Speaker 1: longer useful, you're then living in that full spiritual consciousness.

1662
01:18:52,479 --> 01:18:54,120
Speaker 2: Would be a spiritual form, a.

1663
01:18:54,200 --> 01:18:57,560
Speaker 1: Form that is not doesn't bleed when you cut it,

1664
01:18:57,720 --> 01:19:00,960
Speaker 1: it doesn't get damaged, it doesn't get hut. It is

1665
01:19:01,000 --> 01:19:06,040
Speaker 1: an eternal form that doesn't have those needs or fallibilities,

1666
01:19:06,080 --> 01:19:07,000
Speaker 1: I guess is the right word.

1667
01:19:07,560 --> 01:19:10,599
Speaker 3: So if in the Christian tradition there is this place

1668
01:19:10,840 --> 01:19:14,200
Speaker 3: called heaven, which at least is sort of like a

1669
01:19:14,360 --> 01:19:17,120
Speaker 3: physical place that the spirit goes and lives out, it stays,

1670
01:19:17,160 --> 01:19:21,800
Speaker 3: and you will be reunited. Admittedly I'm not a Christian theologist,

1671
01:19:21,840 --> 01:19:25,160
Speaker 3: so I'm sure I'm getting some of this wrong. But there's,

1672
01:19:25,200 --> 01:19:27,919
Speaker 3: at least in popular culture, there's the idea to transcend

1673
01:19:28,000 --> 01:19:30,400
Speaker 3: into heaven. It's a place there are people that you know,

1674
01:19:30,520 --> 01:19:33,720
Speaker 3: in love, you're reunited. So there's a sense of recreating

1675
01:19:33,920 --> 01:19:36,599
Speaker 3: still the physical world, just in a non physical form.

1676
01:19:36,880 --> 01:19:41,080
Speaker 3: It's what, at least in design circles you call skewmorphic.

1677
01:19:41,520 --> 01:19:43,160
Speaker 3: So you're taking what you know, and even though you're

1678
01:19:43,160 --> 01:19:45,360
Speaker 3: trying to imagine something completely different, you tend to cram

1679
01:19:45,439 --> 01:19:47,679
Speaker 3: it in to the same thing. Right, So we imagine

1680
01:19:47,680 --> 01:19:51,720
Speaker 3: in clouds and stuff like that. What's that version in

1681
01:19:52,040 --> 01:19:52,880
Speaker 3: the Vedic tradition?

1682
01:19:53,120 --> 01:19:56,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, So the Vedic tradition is there is an eternal

1683
01:19:56,160 --> 01:20:00,920
Speaker 1: divine relationship with the Supreme Being that in this space

1684
01:20:01,160 --> 01:20:05,200
Speaker 1: everyone has that unique experience and unique relationship with each

1685
01:20:05,240 --> 01:20:07,240
Speaker 1: other and Divinity personally.

1686
01:20:07,240 --> 01:20:10,920
Speaker 3: So would you meet Radley again in that space.

1687
01:20:11,920 --> 01:20:16,800
Speaker 1: Hopefully if we're both making back. Yeah, and Radley's definitely

1688
01:20:16,800 --> 01:20:19,960
Speaker 1: a vagage I take that back. Yeah, Rady's good, but

1689
01:20:21,760 --> 01:20:25,960
Speaker 1: not necessarily as my partner, not as the way I

1690
01:20:26,120 --> 01:20:29,840
Speaker 1: see her here, as a completely different version to what

1691
01:20:29,960 --> 01:20:32,599
Speaker 1: I see here, because this is just simply one lifetime

1692
01:20:32,640 --> 01:20:34,280
Speaker 1: on a notch of lifetimes.

1693
01:20:34,280 --> 01:20:37,880
Speaker 3: And does that at all inform your marriage.

1694
01:20:38,680 --> 01:20:42,439
Speaker 1: That informs our marriage in the beautiful sense of the

1695
01:20:42,600 --> 01:20:47,479
Speaker 1: detachment with the love, in the sense of there's a

1696
01:20:47,600 --> 01:20:51,080
Speaker 1: feeling of I love this person, I'm so glad I

1697
01:20:51,120 --> 01:20:53,240
Speaker 1: found them in this lifetime to do this life with,

1698
01:20:53,800 --> 01:20:57,439
Speaker 1: to serve in this way, to have this impact, to

1699
01:20:57,600 --> 01:20:59,960
Speaker 1: choose to want a better humanity, to leave it a better,

1700
01:21:00,080 --> 01:21:02,840
Speaker 1: a happier, healthier place, to leave it a more healed

1701
01:21:02,880 --> 01:21:06,960
Speaker 1: place that unites us in a profound way that I

1702
01:21:07,520 --> 01:21:09,800
Speaker 1: couldn't have have with anyone else who didn't feel that

1703
01:21:09,840 --> 01:21:12,439
Speaker 1: way about it. And at the same time it detaches

1704
01:21:12,520 --> 01:21:17,160
Speaker 1: me from recognizing, you know, this isn't everything either, and

1705
01:21:17,240 --> 01:21:20,560
Speaker 1: that's okay, Like it's you know, let's not make this

1706
01:21:20,880 --> 01:21:22,960
Speaker 1: the be all and end all of everything either, Like

1707
01:21:23,080 --> 01:21:26,200
Speaker 1: this is just one experience, it's one aspect. And so

1708
01:21:26,360 --> 01:21:30,400
Speaker 1: I think there's this beautiful connection, but then healthy detachment

1709
01:21:30,439 --> 01:21:33,320
Speaker 1: that comes from both and the ultimate understanding that she's

1710
01:21:33,360 --> 01:21:36,439
Speaker 1: not my property, she does not belong to me, I

1711
01:21:36,520 --> 01:21:40,120
Speaker 1: don't own her, and that she's on her own journey too,

1712
01:21:40,880 --> 01:21:43,479
Speaker 1: and that that journey is the most important journey that

1713
01:21:43,520 --> 01:21:45,920
Speaker 1: I'm supporting her on. And this journey is the most

1714
01:21:45,920 --> 01:21:48,760
Speaker 1: important journey she's supporting me on, beyond all the other

1715
01:21:48,840 --> 01:21:51,599
Speaker 1: stuff that we're doing together. Like, that's the journey we've

1716
01:21:51,640 --> 01:21:53,719
Speaker 1: committed to. So I think it has a profound impact

1717
01:21:53,840 --> 01:21:56,120
Speaker 1: on how we conduct our lives.

1718
01:21:56,640 --> 01:21:58,880
Speaker 3: It stops you from snipping the flower.

1719
01:21:58,720 --> 01:22:01,479
Speaker 1: Absolutely, And even though me and you have very different

1720
01:22:02,200 --> 01:22:04,479
Speaker 1: overall and that's why I've always found fascinating to sit

1721
01:22:04,560 --> 01:22:07,160
Speaker 1: down with you. Even though me and you have very

1722
01:22:07,400 --> 01:22:11,680
Speaker 1: different systems of overall belief or philosophy of like what

1723
01:22:11,880 --> 01:22:15,439
Speaker 1: our container is, of how we view life, we approach

1724
01:22:15,520 --> 01:22:20,200
Speaker 1: life far more similarly than many people I know, Like

1725
01:22:20,320 --> 01:22:22,479
Speaker 1: I consider myself to be highly and as you say

1726
01:22:22,479 --> 01:22:24,479
Speaker 1: in the book, we have fight stars, we have the

1727
01:22:24,560 --> 01:22:27,800
Speaker 1: relationship problems, Like there's so much tactical, practical stuff in

1728
01:22:27,880 --> 01:22:30,280
Speaker 1: the book because that's how I view life too. I

1729
01:22:30,400 --> 01:22:34,599
Speaker 1: view life as highly strategic, but with a spiritual lens.

1730
01:22:35,479 --> 01:22:38,120
Speaker 1: And I think that it's I find that really interesting

1731
01:22:38,240 --> 01:22:41,439
Speaker 1: how we're both trying to approach life through strategy, through systems,

1732
01:22:41,520 --> 01:22:45,920
Speaker 1: through processes, despite having you know, me having much more

1733
01:22:45,920 --> 01:22:50,680
Speaker 1: of a philosophical and I guess intangible view of reality.

1734
01:22:51,240 --> 01:22:53,439
Speaker 3: Do you know, Donald Hoffman, I don't as.

1735
01:22:53,400 --> 01:22:56,640
Speaker 2: In from the Hoffmann process. No, So.

1736
01:22:58,560 --> 01:23:01,439
Speaker 3: This may be why, although you probably push back on this,

1737
01:23:01,640 --> 01:23:05,000
Speaker 3: so as somebody who's agnostic, meaning I literally just don't know.

1738
01:23:05,160 --> 01:23:07,040
Speaker 3: I have no idea what the truth is.

1739
01:23:07,080 --> 01:23:09,080
Speaker 2: But I don't think anyone does. And I kind of

1740
01:23:09,120 --> 01:23:09,479
Speaker 2: live with that.

1741
01:23:09,640 --> 01:23:12,880
Speaker 1: Like people always ask me, like, where do you see

1742
01:23:12,920 --> 01:23:15,800
Speaker 1: or someone, I'm like, I don't know either. But I'm

1743
01:23:16,840 --> 01:23:21,080
Speaker 1: having read the theology and spirituality and the modern day

1744
01:23:22,080 --> 01:23:25,840
Speaker 1: New Age everything that I have, I'm betting on this

1745
01:23:26,640 --> 01:23:28,920
Speaker 1: and so it's simply a hypothesis. And I'm very open

1746
01:23:28,960 --> 01:23:30,920
Speaker 1: about that. I'm very cool with that because I just

1747
01:23:30,960 --> 01:23:33,640
Speaker 1: think life is a hypothesis. Pretty much everything I do

1748
01:23:33,720 --> 01:23:37,280
Speaker 1: every day is a hypothesis. There's no genuine truth that

1749
01:23:37,360 --> 01:23:39,720
Speaker 1: I can say that I know for a fact that

1750
01:23:39,840 --> 01:23:43,280
Speaker 1: this is what happens when this happens, including doing this interview,

1751
01:23:43,280 --> 01:23:45,920
Speaker 1: including whatever, writing this book, like what comes from it

1752
01:23:46,080 --> 01:23:49,559
Speaker 1: is so different and so diverse than you could expect.

1753
01:23:49,640 --> 01:23:52,519
Speaker 1: So I lived my life in an hypothesis. So I've

1754
01:23:52,600 --> 01:23:56,040
Speaker 1: studied plenty of books and researched and spoken to people

1755
01:23:56,120 --> 01:23:58,800
Speaker 1: and sat with teachers and sat with masters, and I've

1756
01:23:58,880 --> 01:24:01,960
Speaker 1: come up with what I've is my hypothesis based on

1757
01:24:02,040 --> 01:24:05,640
Speaker 1: that experience, and I think everyone's entitled to the hypothesis.

1758
01:24:05,720 --> 01:24:08,479
Speaker 1: And that's why I don't consider myself with you. I

1759
01:24:08,479 --> 01:24:10,360
Speaker 1: always end up talking about some of my own beliefs

1760
01:24:10,439 --> 01:24:13,720
Speaker 1: or values or philosophies that I identify with. But why

1761
01:24:13,760 --> 01:24:16,559
Speaker 1: I don't preach them or why I don't impart them

1762
01:24:16,600 --> 01:24:19,280
Speaker 1: on others, is because that's not my goal, right Like,

1763
01:24:19,360 --> 01:24:22,160
Speaker 1: my goal is to help people navigate reality in what

1764
01:24:22,280 --> 01:24:25,000
Speaker 1: we can see, feel, and hear. And then I have

1765
01:24:25,160 --> 01:24:27,800
Speaker 1: my own set of beliefs and values that guide my

1766
01:24:28,000 --> 01:24:30,919
Speaker 1: moral compass, But those are not the ones I'm imparting.

1767
01:24:31,320 --> 01:24:33,439
Speaker 1: Those are not what people are being exposed to because

1768
01:24:33,680 --> 01:24:36,600
Speaker 1: I see them as two separate things. My compass on

1769
01:24:36,680 --> 01:24:39,320
Speaker 1: a deeper level is different to the work I'm doing

1770
01:24:39,360 --> 01:24:41,680
Speaker 1: in the world to help people navigate this. This is

1771
01:24:41,720 --> 01:24:44,600
Speaker 1: all based on fact and truth and experience and you

1772
01:24:44,680 --> 01:24:47,040
Speaker 1: know reality. The book is based on that. Think like

1773
01:24:47,080 --> 01:24:49,280
Speaker 1: a monk is based on that. But the beliefs that

1774
01:24:49,360 --> 01:24:51,200
Speaker 1: I have are a hypothesis. Those are not the ones

1775
01:24:51,240 --> 01:24:51,719
Speaker 1: I'm sharing.

1776
01:24:52,000 --> 01:24:54,360
Speaker 3: I love that. Yeah, where can people follow you as

1777
01:24:54,400 --> 01:24:55,720
Speaker 3: you explore your hypothesis?

1778
01:24:56,720 --> 01:24:59,920
Speaker 1: The best place right now is eight Rules of Love Dog.

1779
01:25:00,320 --> 01:25:02,479
Speaker 1: That is the place to find my new book, A

1780
01:25:02,640 --> 01:25:05,280
Speaker 1: Rules of Love, which will guide you through everything from

1781
01:25:05,400 --> 01:25:09,719
Speaker 1: finding love, keeping love, dealing with heartbreak and then finding

1782
01:25:09,800 --> 01:25:10,320
Speaker 1: love again.

1783
01:25:11,520 --> 01:25:13,120
Speaker 2: That would be the best place to find me right now.

1784
01:25:15,439 --> 01:25:15,479
Speaker 1: M