1 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,879 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch 2 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:16,080 Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. 3 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:18,360 Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you are new to 4 00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:22,799 Speaker 1: couch Talks and are unfamiliar with what that is, it 5 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:26,360 Speaker 1: is the bonus episode of You Need Therapy, where I 6 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:31,040 Speaker 1: every Wednesday answer questions that listeners send to me and 7 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:34,520 Speaker 1: you can send those to Katherine at Need Therapy podcast 8 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:39,400 Speaker 1: dot com. Now, as always, I like to remind you 9 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:43,280 Speaker 1: guys that although I am answering your questions in these episodes, 10 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:46,760 Speaker 1: this podcast still does not serve as a replacement or 11 00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:52,839 Speaker 1: substitute for any mental health services and is not actually therapy, 12 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:55,760 Speaker 1: even though I am a therapist and it's called You 13 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,760 Speaker 1: Need Therapy. So each week I like to answer one 14 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:03,280 Speaker 1: question and we always keep them anonymous. So I want 15 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:04,920 Speaker 1: you guys to know if you are feeling like you 16 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:08,520 Speaker 1: want to send something in, you can do that without 17 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:10,800 Speaker 1: being afraid that you were going to be exposed or 18 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:14,080 Speaker 1: people were going to know your stuff, unless, of course, 19 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,000 Speaker 1: you give me information in this email that is going 20 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:19,360 Speaker 1: to do that. But I won't read your name, your 21 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,920 Speaker 1: email address, any of that where you're from, so you 22 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:25,400 Speaker 1: can feel safe in doing that, so I think maybe 23 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,240 Speaker 1: we should just get into this week's question. It's a 24 00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:31,920 Speaker 1: good one and it's an interesting one. Hey, kat, I've 25 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,319 Speaker 1: been listening to the podcast for a while and never 26 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:38,520 Speaker 1: actually imagine myself writing you an email, But I have 27 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,400 Speaker 1: recently experienced something that I would love your thoughts on. 28 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,000 Speaker 1: This is something I don't really want to talk a 29 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,800 Speaker 1: lot about with my friends because I don't want it 30 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:49,680 Speaker 1: to affect the way they feel about the person that 31 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:54,200 Speaker 1: I'm dating. Basically, I've been dating somebody for about six months. 32 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,760 Speaker 1: It started kind of slow, but in the last few 33 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,840 Speaker 1: months we've really become very close and I actually see 34 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:03,160 Speaker 1: this person as my future husband. We decided to move 35 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:05,800 Speaker 1: in together, and a couple of weeks ago, we spent 36 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:09,520 Speaker 1: the weekend packing up his apartment in preparation to move 37 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:13,680 Speaker 1: him into mine. Well, while going through one of his drawers, 38 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:17,320 Speaker 1: I found something I was not expecting. I found a 39 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:22,679 Speaker 1: box full of his ex girlfriend's stuff. There were pictures, 40 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:26,440 Speaker 1: a couple cards, and what seemed to be just little 41 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:32,079 Speaker 1: trinkets and memorabilia from their relationship. When I asked my 42 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,440 Speaker 1: boyfriend why he still has this stuff, he appeared to 43 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:39,160 Speaker 1: be unfazed. He said they are just memories that are 44 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,640 Speaker 1: still important to him, and he didn't feel comfortable throwing 45 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:45,480 Speaker 1: them away. I personally don't feel comfortable with him storing 46 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:48,680 Speaker 1: a box of his ex's memories in my house. He 47 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,840 Speaker 1: broke up with his ex about a year before we 48 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:55,400 Speaker 1: started dating, and says in quotes things ended on good 49 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,520 Speaker 1: terms and they just weren't compatible for a life together. 50 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,160 Speaker 1: I hate to admit it, but this experience has made 51 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:05,000 Speaker 1: me feel really scared, in question if he is really 52 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:07,760 Speaker 1: over his ex and if we should be taking the 53 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:11,080 Speaker 1: next step, which is him moving in with me. I 54 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,639 Speaker 1: feel very emotional and want to make sure I am 55 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:16,720 Speaker 1: not overreacting. But I also don't want to ignore something. 56 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:19,720 Speaker 1: If it is a red flag, should I be concerned 57 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:23,040 Speaker 1: or should I let this go okay? So, like I said, 58 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:27,679 Speaker 1: the very interesting email, interesting experience. This isn't something that 59 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:31,680 Speaker 1: people experience every day. However, I am sure that this 60 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:34,360 Speaker 1: probably has happened to somebody, and maybe even somebody else 61 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,440 Speaker 1: who is listening. So the first thing I would like 62 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,640 Speaker 1: to offer you, and I really want to share, is 63 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:44,280 Speaker 1: your feelings that you're experiencing are very very valid. Our 64 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:48,160 Speaker 1: feelings are always valid. Your feelings here are also very justified. 65 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:52,760 Speaker 1: It's much less than ideal to find something like that, 66 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,400 Speaker 1: and I'm sure that it surprised you and shocked you, 67 00:03:56,160 --> 00:04:00,320 Speaker 1: and it makes sense, like makes actually total logical sense 68 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,480 Speaker 1: why you are expressing some of the things that you're expressing. 69 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,040 Speaker 1: It doesn't sound like you're overreacting at all, although I 70 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,640 Speaker 1: am just getting an email that you probably spent time 71 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,360 Speaker 1: composing versus the reality of what it really looked like 72 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:16,240 Speaker 1: when you found that. But from my perspective so far, 73 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:20,040 Speaker 1: I don't see you overreacting. If it feels important to you, 74 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,320 Speaker 1: then I want you to know that it is important 75 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:26,440 Speaker 1: to you. And if it is important to you, that 76 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:28,840 Speaker 1: means you need to nail down what exactly it is 77 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:31,960 Speaker 1: that you're needing in order to move forward in your relationship. 78 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:36,080 Speaker 1: After this experience, I don't think it sounds helpful to 79 00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:39,599 Speaker 1: just ignore this and move forward without actually accessing what 80 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:44,520 Speaker 1: it is that your heart is needing in order to 81 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:49,040 Speaker 1: move forward with excitement and hope and safety with your 82 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:53,320 Speaker 1: current partner. So we always start with feelings in order 83 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,719 Speaker 1: to get to our needs. I would very much encourage 84 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:58,720 Speaker 1: you to allow those feelings that you're having to come 85 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:02,440 Speaker 1: up and have a conversation with them. I hear some 86 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:06,360 Speaker 1: confusion from you. I also hear fear and maybe some 87 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:09,480 Speaker 1: other stuff that you have mixed in there, some other feelings. 88 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,280 Speaker 1: So have a conversation with those feelings. What are they 89 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,800 Speaker 1: saying to you? What are they telling you? And when 90 00:05:14,839 --> 00:05:16,960 Speaker 1: I say have a conversation, allow them to speak and 91 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,400 Speaker 1: then speak back to them. Sometimes our feelings can be 92 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,080 Speaker 1: loud in the wrong spaces, so we need to ask 93 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:25,880 Speaker 1: our feelings for clarification. And then what are those feelings 94 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:29,200 Speaker 1: asking for? Do you need actual clarification when it comes 95 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:32,120 Speaker 1: to this experience. Do you have a conversation with your 96 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:36,440 Speaker 1: partner about certain things? Do you need some soothing from yourself, 97 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,960 Speaker 1: from your partner, etc. Really dive into those feelings because 98 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,000 Speaker 1: they are going to lead you to be able to 99 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,400 Speaker 1: access and open it up what it is really that 100 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:48,520 Speaker 1: you are looking for. Your heart is looking for now, 101 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:52,840 Speaker 1: him having this box, I do want to say, it 102 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,880 Speaker 1: doesn't mean he isn't over her. People can have love 103 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:59,480 Speaker 1: and care for exes without wanting to get back together 104 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,680 Speaker 1: with them. And at the same time, I don't think 105 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:08,240 Speaker 1: the average person keeps a box of memorabilia from a relationship. 106 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:10,640 Speaker 1: But I do think it's very fair to keep things 107 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:15,840 Speaker 1: from past relationships that are still meaningful and important to us, 108 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:20,720 Speaker 1: because maybe the relationship is still meaningful and important to us. 109 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:25,640 Speaker 1: And I feel very strongly that relationships are allowed to 110 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:31,000 Speaker 1: still be important to us even if they didn't last forever. 111 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,640 Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean that we are still longing to 112 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:37,479 Speaker 1: be in those relationships, but it means that was still 113 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,960 Speaker 1: a valuable part of my life, and those experiences were 114 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:43,240 Speaker 1: still valuable experiences I had, and the things that I 115 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:46,599 Speaker 1: gathered along the way are still things that mean something 116 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:49,560 Speaker 1: to me. So we can't go ahead and make up 117 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:53,000 Speaker 1: the story that this box means he's not over her. 118 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:57,880 Speaker 1: We don't have enough information to make that assumption, and 119 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:01,000 Speaker 1: it could mean something, but we don't know what's going 120 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:04,640 Speaker 1: to mean that now. It doesn't mean he is over 121 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:08,200 Speaker 1: her either, like we actually don't have This box doesn't 122 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,200 Speaker 1: give us a clue one way or the other. It 123 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:14,400 Speaker 1: just opens up a channel for us to gather information 124 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:17,360 Speaker 1: in order for us to have create an accurate story 125 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:20,640 Speaker 1: and actually understand, really, how does he feel about this 126 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,360 Speaker 1: past relationship, in this past person that he dated, And 127 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:27,320 Speaker 1: it sounds like he doesn't hate so I would ask 128 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,520 Speaker 1: if you could have a conversation with your partner about 129 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:34,280 Speaker 1: what feels important in keeping the items, talk about why 130 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:38,120 Speaker 1: those items and what about those items are special, and 131 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,920 Speaker 1: why it's helpful for him to have those even though 132 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,360 Speaker 1: they were in a box in a drawer and it 133 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:46,560 Speaker 1: doesn't seem like he was like holding and staring at 134 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,720 Speaker 1: them every day, and it's not like these things are 135 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,920 Speaker 1: like on his bedside table. But can you have a 136 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:55,280 Speaker 1: conversation with him about what feels important in keeping the 137 00:07:55,320 --> 00:08:00,400 Speaker 1: items and also what would it mean if he got 138 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:02,720 Speaker 1: rid of the items? What would that mean? As well, 139 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:07,880 Speaker 1: gain some more information about this experience from his point 140 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,200 Speaker 1: of view. Like I said, we can make a lot 141 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 1: of assumptions up about this and it might be helpful. 142 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:15,640 Speaker 1: In fact, I think it would be very helpful for 143 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:19,600 Speaker 1: you to get an accurate picture of what you need 144 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:23,080 Speaker 1: to do if you had more information about what this 145 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,560 Speaker 1: actually is. Because I didn't hear a lot of information 146 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,920 Speaker 1: other than he said I don't want to get rid 147 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:31,120 Speaker 1: of them. You are allowed to have a conversation with 148 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:34,200 Speaker 1: him about if you want that box in your apartment 149 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,720 Speaker 1: or not. I think the conversation about why that box 150 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:41,080 Speaker 1: is important might be helpful for you before you make 151 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:45,360 Speaker 1: that decision. It also brings up this other thing that 152 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,800 Speaker 1: popped in my head of the reality of when he 153 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:52,520 Speaker 1: moves into your apartment, your apartment is not your apartment. 154 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:58,000 Speaker 1: Your apartment is becoming both of y'all's apartment, and that 155 00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:00,600 Speaker 1: transition is a little weird when you're when you're moving 156 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:04,320 Speaker 1: into a space that was once somebody else's And how 157 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,920 Speaker 1: are you going to transition into the space so that 158 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,640 Speaker 1: it feels like it is both of y'all's space, both 159 00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:13,080 Speaker 1: of y'all's place, and a healthy relationship. We don't hold 160 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,360 Speaker 1: one of those things over the other's head, like this 161 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:18,160 Speaker 1: is my house. I won't have that in my house 162 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,760 Speaker 1: or my apartment. You can have a conversation about what 163 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 1: you do and do not want in your together home. 164 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:27,520 Speaker 1: But it just made me wonder of what the and 165 00:09:27,559 --> 00:09:29,240 Speaker 1: I'm going to use this word it's not clinical, but 166 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:31,440 Speaker 1: what the vibe of him moving in with you is. 167 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,800 Speaker 1: Does it feel like he's just coming in and staying 168 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:38,520 Speaker 1: in your space or you creating together a space that 169 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:43,720 Speaker 1: is collectively yours And how does that shift the relationship 170 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:47,480 Speaker 1: and how the relationship feels and how being together feels 171 00:09:47,559 --> 00:09:51,199 Speaker 1: in the progression of your relationship. So there's just some 172 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:53,800 Speaker 1: conversations that I think would be really helpful for you 173 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:57,440 Speaker 1: to have with your partner about this. And like I said, 174 00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,160 Speaker 1: you're not overreacting. It just sounds like you don't have 175 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:04,160 Speaker 1: enough information right now to really figure out what it 176 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:08,600 Speaker 1: is that both of y'all need in the relationship to 177 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:13,120 Speaker 1: move forward in a healthy light. So follow those feelings, 178 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:17,160 Speaker 1: ask them what you need, have conversations again, follow your 179 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:20,760 Speaker 1: feelings in the conversations, so you guys can together identify 180 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:23,640 Speaker 1: what it is you need to move forward, and hopefully 181 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:27,160 Speaker 1: you can gain some clarity in some of this. Again, 182 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:30,319 Speaker 1: not something that happens every day, so I get why 183 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:34,880 Speaker 1: it's jarring. I imagine i'd be pretty stunned as well, 184 00:10:35,679 --> 00:10:40,800 Speaker 1: and that initial stun might not be the feeling that 185 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:45,920 Speaker 1: we hold forever, pending the information we get about what 186 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,040 Speaker 1: it is that we have found. So again, more information 187 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:51,920 Speaker 1: sounds like what you need. Thank you for writing in 188 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:55,400 Speaker 1: and thanks for listening to you need therapy. Even if 189 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,120 Speaker 1: you never thought you would write in, I still appreciate 190 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:00,800 Speaker 1: you listening and being part of our community. If you 191 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,800 Speaker 1: guys have any questions that you would like to send 192 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:06,040 Speaker 1: in reminder, you can send those to Katherine at Unitherapy 193 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:09,160 Speaker 1: podcast dot com and I will be back with you 194 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:13,240 Speaker 1: guys on Monday for the regular episode of the podcast. 195 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:15,960 Speaker 1: Until then, I hope you guys have the day you 196 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:16,520 Speaker 1: need to have.