1 00:00:00,360 --> 00:00:05,080 Speaker 1: Well, I mean, we're just a mess today, chock, getting old, 2 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:09,080 Speaker 1: falling apart. I am still sick. This is like a 3 00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:11,400 Speaker 1: month out. I've basically been six since I've come back 4 00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:14,240 Speaker 1: to America. So the moral of the story is, maybe 5 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:18,759 Speaker 1: I'm allergic to America. Is fair enough. I think a 6 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:22,160 Speaker 1: lot of us are starting to be allergic to America. Jesus. Well, 7 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:25,640 Speaker 1: so I'm a little under the weather still, but happy 8 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:28,240 Speaker 1: to be here with you guys. Chip had a big 9 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:33,440 Speaker 1: morning this morning. This morning, well, yeah, I'm now forty 10 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:35,839 Speaker 1: six years old and I had a colonoscope this morning, 11 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:39,520 Speaker 1: first one, first one. Yeah, it was a preventative one, 12 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,800 Speaker 1: and I am happy to report that I have a 13 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:48,080 Speaker 1: very healthy coal and there. And you know what's crazy too, 14 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:53,479 Speaker 1: is they give you pictures of your insights. Yeah, it's wild. 15 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:58,200 Speaker 1: Like I looked at him, it just looks like it 16 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:00,720 Speaker 1: kind of just looks like like what you would imagine 17 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:04,280 Speaker 1: the inside of your throat looks like to you know, exactfully, 18 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:06,080 Speaker 1: Like I mean not to be t m I, but 19 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:09,000 Speaker 1: anyone who's had one knows this. Like the worst part 20 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,360 Speaker 1: of the colonoscopy is the day before because you have 21 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:14,800 Speaker 1: to take calcalax and mirror lax and like slush your body. 22 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:17,920 Speaker 1: And that's the worst part. So like your tubes are empty, 23 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:20,760 Speaker 1: so the pictures aren't just I would imagine if you 24 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:23,240 Speaker 1: didn't do that, the pictures would be grossed. So you 25 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:27,039 Speaker 1: didn't You couldn't eat, right, isn't I didn't know the 26 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,800 Speaker 1: last time I ate, So today we're recording on Thursday. 27 00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:33,560 Speaker 1: The last time I ate was Tuesday night. Um, so 28 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,960 Speaker 1: I wasn't able to eat all day Yesterday I could 29 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:39,880 Speaker 1: if I wanted some jello, I could have eaten orange 30 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:46,320 Speaker 1: or yellow jello. And I could drink um coffee tea 31 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:51,640 Speaker 1: with no creamers or anything sweeteners, um water, yellow orange 32 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:55,600 Speaker 1: or clear gatorade. And that's it. That's like even this. 33 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:59,480 Speaker 1: And then after midnight last night, I couldn't even drink water. 34 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,680 Speaker 1: I can't. You can't drink anything except I had to 35 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:04,000 Speaker 1: wake up at two am and drink thirty two ounces 36 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:07,760 Speaker 1: of gatorade mixed with me relax. And let me tell you, 37 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:10,639 Speaker 1: at two o'clock in the morning, drinking thirty two of 38 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:14,440 Speaker 1: anything is hard. That's disgusting. Has kind of a weird 39 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:19,040 Speaker 1: consistency too, well, it was it was powdery and shaking 40 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:25,680 Speaker 1: it up and yeah, that's actually gatorade was kind of fine. 41 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,680 Speaker 1: It didn't taste bad, but it's hard to drink two 42 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:34,920 Speaker 1: of water when you're thirsty. So anyway, it was I survived. 43 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:39,200 Speaker 1: I've never been to the hospital for anything. Um, so like, yeah, 44 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:42,720 Speaker 1: I've never like broken a bone or I had any surgery, 45 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:45,519 Speaker 1: so it was like that was Actually the scariest part 46 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,160 Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, I'm in the hospital with 47 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,640 Speaker 1: an IVY in my hand, like it's I was just 48 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:55,639 Speaker 1: like I believe that's all right, right, all the crazy 49 00:02:55,639 --> 00:02:59,320 Speaker 1: should I do? Um? But anyway, it was it was fun. 50 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,480 Speaker 1: And then I was like, can I get a prescription 51 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,720 Speaker 1: for propofile because that thirty minute nap was literally the 52 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:07,320 Speaker 1: best sleep I've had in front that would killed Michael Jackson. 53 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:10,720 Speaker 1: Then yeah, but he was doing like he was using 54 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:14,040 Speaker 1: it incorrectly and there were other things in a system 55 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:17,240 Speaker 1: to it. Yeah. Well, anyway, I'm glad they didn't give 56 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,799 Speaker 1: you that. Yeah, now they don't do that. We are 57 00:03:20,919 --> 00:03:25,160 Speaker 1: here this week with your relationship and dating questions. Leah 58 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:29,840 Speaker 1: Gary is back and finally I'm figuring out your last name, right, 59 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:33,040 Speaker 1: I said it perfectly. Thank you A lot of practice. 60 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,320 Speaker 1: Now this is what your third time on the podcast. 61 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:39,360 Speaker 1: So Leah is a therapist and author and she is 62 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:42,960 Speaker 1: here to help Chip and I navigate through your dating questions. 63 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,800 Speaker 1: Have you guys seen the meme and it's like, it's 64 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:48,440 Speaker 1: this girl and she's it says, give me giving life 65 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:51,440 Speaker 1: advice and she's telling someone, hey, watch this bump right here, 66 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:54,080 Speaker 1: and then the next picture is her her tripping over 67 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,360 Speaker 1: the bump. I was like, that's me and Chip trying 68 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,960 Speaker 1: to give dating is but like, we don't have a 69 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:04,040 Speaker 1: figured out at all. Mind leading the blind right exactly. 70 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,760 Speaker 1: I had a friend once lose a bunch of weight 71 00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:08,120 Speaker 1: and I was like, dude, how did you do it? 72 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,800 Speaker 1: And he said, I stopped taking diet advice from fat people. Okay, there, 73 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,400 Speaker 1: So we're going to keep having experts on and people 74 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,279 Speaker 1: who actually know what they're talking about to answer you 75 00:04:20,279 --> 00:04:23,040 Speaker 1: guys questions. We'll always jump in with our insight and 76 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:26,120 Speaker 1: feedback as well. But I like this expert piece of it, 77 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,920 Speaker 1: don't you, Chip? Doesn't it feel a little bit better? Yes? 78 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:32,200 Speaker 1: I do. I mean it's certainly helpful because I'm happy 79 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:35,200 Speaker 1: to give my thoughts, but I don't know if your 80 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:39,960 Speaker 1: listeners are willing to take well, until you actually start 81 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:44,840 Speaker 1: going on dates again. I'd say, may it might be 82 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:46,760 Speaker 1: a little out of touch right now, a little out 83 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:50,360 Speaker 1: of touch, just a little. He's gonna I feel like, 84 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,920 Speaker 1: we're just gonna need to amp up your dating proofiles soon. 85 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,839 Speaker 1: I would like to do that and be part of that. 86 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,400 Speaker 1: I love that. I would I would love to make 87 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,680 Speaker 1: a second career out of that. Honestly, here we go. 88 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,039 Speaker 1: It's so funny because you know, there's so many people 89 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:10,640 Speaker 1: that like have like TikTok editing businesses, Like if you 90 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:15,200 Speaker 1: did a like design dating wild business, I bet there's 91 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:18,159 Speaker 1: a massive market for that. Everyone hates filling them out. 92 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:21,159 Speaker 1: They're terrible to fill out. And what's funny is like 93 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:24,360 Speaker 1: the pictures some people put up are like they're clearly 94 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,640 Speaker 1: like they've hired this photographer and you're like, this isn't 95 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:31,919 Speaker 1: you in the wild right with the wild drug leaning 96 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,240 Speaker 1: against a car, and like it just looks like a magazine. 97 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,760 Speaker 1: And I would love to be part of that process 98 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:39,520 Speaker 1: for people to be like, let's like, I'll get a 99 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,040 Speaker 1: picture on my my iPhone of you, Like, let's state 100 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:46,280 Speaker 1: more naturally, like in a normal setting where you look normal, 101 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,120 Speaker 1: you look like you actually do in the way that 102 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,480 Speaker 1: you're going to show up on the date and not 103 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,320 Speaker 1: in some like highly edited photos. Well, and that's the 104 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,159 Speaker 1: thing too, is because it's like I think in the 105 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:59,120 Speaker 1: I understand the psychology behind wanting to put up the 106 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:03,200 Speaker 1: best photos of yourself. But if you know in your 107 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:07,159 Speaker 1: mind that you don't always look like that, then it 108 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:09,120 Speaker 1: would be stressful to ever go on a date. I 109 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,760 Speaker 1: don't think always is right, It's like, do you look 110 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:19,599 Speaker 1: like that, like normally? Right? Nobody always looks their best? Yeah, um, 111 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,720 Speaker 1: but it would mistress me out to think like, oh 112 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,080 Speaker 1: my god, I'm gonna be I am cat fishing people 113 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,920 Speaker 1: like that is a form of cat fishing. That's why 114 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,400 Speaker 1: I don't do that whole makeup, like the intense nakeup thing, 115 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:32,760 Speaker 1: because then you have to do it every day expectations 116 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,480 Speaker 1: just like right here, and then I just can't reach it. 117 00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:41,880 Speaker 1: All right, Well, let's go ahead and jump right in, 118 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:44,360 Speaker 1: because you have a good bit of questions to get 119 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,920 Speaker 1: through today. Um. I actually wanted to start with something 120 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,599 Speaker 1: because I wanted your thoughts on this, Leah. But a 121 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,520 Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago I had connor beaten from man talks. 122 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 1: I don't know if you follow him on the podcast, 123 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,960 Speaker 1: and he is doing amazing work with men. And I 124 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:00,360 Speaker 1: was kind of reposting some of the stuff that he 125 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,839 Speaker 1: um put on his Instagram. And I can't remember the 126 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:07,120 Speaker 1: context of why I said this, it was in relation 127 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,160 Speaker 1: to one of his posts, and I said something like 128 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 1: as a person who formerly thought all men are assholes 129 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,320 Speaker 1: or like all men are unsafe and really kind of 130 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,720 Speaker 1: struggled with getting rid of that narrative. UM, I'm really 131 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:22,960 Speaker 1: excited to see men out there doing this work. And 132 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:27,040 Speaker 1: I got so many messages from women just being like, well, 133 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:30,320 Speaker 1: how did you let go of that narrative? Because in 134 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:34,080 Speaker 1: my experience, like men are assholes and this is what 135 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,200 Speaker 1: I'm dealing with. Especially, I think a lot of women 136 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:40,240 Speaker 1: out there in the dating world are just really feeling like, yeah, 137 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 1: guys are not treating them the way they want to 138 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:44,400 Speaker 1: be treated. So I'm gonna read this question and I 139 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,000 Speaker 1: kind of just wanted your thoughts to UM and I 140 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,960 Speaker 1: can give my insight into what I said to her. 141 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,120 Speaker 1: But this girl said, how did you get away from 142 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:55,520 Speaker 1: the narrative? This narrative I found it generally that women 143 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:58,040 Speaker 1: do the shadow work or go to therapy and try 144 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:01,480 Speaker 1: and deal with their issues, whereas men normally continue as 145 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:04,680 Speaker 1: they are changing relationships and women as opposed to doing 146 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:07,560 Speaker 1: the real work, they tend to be less quote unquote 147 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:11,360 Speaker 1: healed because of the way they deal with emotions, relationships, breakups. 148 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,760 Speaker 1: This isn't bashing men, but society breathes this type of 149 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:17,760 Speaker 1: toxic culture that even if men wanted to focus and 150 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,960 Speaker 1: deal with it, they'd be shamed into just get over it, 151 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 1: don't cry, or you're too sensitive. So she's just asking, like, 152 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,280 Speaker 1: how do we let go of these narratives when this 153 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:31,760 Speaker 1: is like our lived experience, And like, I think, what 154 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:38,360 Speaker 1: I hear a lot of women being frustrated about is that, um, 155 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:42,680 Speaker 1: like men are not necessarily coping and dealing with their 156 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:46,679 Speaker 1: unhealed wounds. Right. Um, my friend calls it the sad 157 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:50,240 Speaker 1: boy syndrome. Like bo I like, it's the kind of 158 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:54,400 Speaker 1: the tantrimming teenager. Right, It's like there, it's usually the 159 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,520 Speaker 1: assholes have a lot of insecurity. There's a lot of 160 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,400 Speaker 1: ego and a lot just like Napoleon complex. Right, And 161 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,960 Speaker 1: so it's one of those things where I think I 162 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,440 Speaker 1: have two lines of thought, but when I see men 163 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:08,400 Speaker 1: do that, like I sometimes I'm like, there's a sad child, 164 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:12,720 Speaker 1: there's like a really sad, hurt person that whether it's 165 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,200 Speaker 1: attachment to parents, not even mom or dad, like it 166 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:17,600 Speaker 1: could be like you know, it could be a grandparent, 167 00:09:17,679 --> 00:09:20,000 Speaker 1: could be a sibling that they felt left like left 168 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:23,560 Speaker 1: out by, but just that attachment piece of there's something 169 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:27,440 Speaker 1: that came up that has impacted their relationship that they've 170 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:32,200 Speaker 1: have romantically with others, and then the other pieces. We 171 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:37,120 Speaker 1: are so quick to make our past the like the 172 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:40,040 Speaker 1: evidence for our future. But we so we create these 173 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:44,160 Speaker 1: narratives based on maybe a handful experiences and usually the 174 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,559 Speaker 1: ones that are the worst ones, and we just count 175 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 1: the positive experiences or maybe the more neutral ones, and 176 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,120 Speaker 1: then we just say this is my future because of 177 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,560 Speaker 1: these extreme examples. But most of the time, when I 178 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,640 Speaker 1: talked to women about dating and the all men are assholes, 179 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,880 Speaker 1: we can come up with lots of examples men that 180 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:02,760 Speaker 1: they've a data and it just hasn't worked out with 181 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:05,080 Speaker 1: or be like in their lives, whether it's a brother, 182 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,640 Speaker 1: whether it's a coworker, whether it's a friend's husband or 183 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:11,000 Speaker 1: partner that is you know that that's an example of 184 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:15,640 Speaker 1: like a kind like sensitive caring person. So I think 185 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:19,880 Speaker 1: it's a combination of like deep rooted trauma and attachment 186 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:23,720 Speaker 1: stuff that leads men to be to overcompensate and treat 187 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,680 Speaker 1: people poorly and women too when women do this too, 188 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,640 Speaker 1: And then and then I'll but I think you're right. 189 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:31,679 Speaker 1: I think when women are quick to do this reflection 190 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,560 Speaker 1: and that have the insight to make the changes, often 191 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:37,640 Speaker 1: just because of the social programming. But the other piece 192 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,480 Speaker 1: I think is we just tend to like look at 193 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,960 Speaker 1: our past experiences as this is what our our whole 194 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,360 Speaker 1: lives will be. We create this narrative based on like, 195 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,280 Speaker 1: you know, I've been like this last relationship was awful, 196 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:51,120 Speaker 1: But when we go through the other relationships, usually they'll 197 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,600 Speaker 1: have some positive ones or some ones that just didn't 198 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,920 Speaker 1: work out or it wasn't the right person. So we 199 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:59,440 Speaker 1: tend to filter out the positive out of self protection. Right. So, 200 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:02,400 Speaker 1: if we have named narrative or schema that all men 201 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,920 Speaker 1: are assholes, it keeps us safe in a way because 202 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,679 Speaker 1: then we're always on the defense and ready to call 203 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:10,280 Speaker 1: at the asshole. But then we also call out people 204 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:13,680 Speaker 1: that are not assholes. Right. Well, I I was taught 205 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,000 Speaker 1: that kind of recently too. It's like, the more you 206 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,480 Speaker 1: believe those kind of narratives in your head, the more 207 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:21,679 Speaker 1: you keep drawing in people like that, because our brains 208 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,959 Speaker 1: want to be validated at all costs. So like, if 209 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,839 Speaker 1: we think, oh, all men are assholes, we're only going 210 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:32,680 Speaker 1: to draw in men who are actually acting like assholes, 211 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,560 Speaker 1: like or hyper focus on asshole like maybe a behavior 212 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,199 Speaker 1: versus like say someone like is short one time. It's 213 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,880 Speaker 1: not a pattern they like say kind of like frustration 214 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,760 Speaker 1: or whatever. And we're like, see, now this is exactly 215 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:47,440 Speaker 1: why I'm not dating and see A knew it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. 216 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,480 Speaker 1: Do you think that there is any truth to maybe 217 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:55,680 Speaker 1: like a blanket saman being like all men are assholes? 218 00:11:55,960 --> 00:12:00,080 Speaker 1: Is uh self protective measure to be like I have 219 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:04,200 Speaker 1: a bad picker, like and and maybe why you know 220 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:09,240 Speaker 1: in this for the context of this conversation, um, women 221 00:12:09,559 --> 00:12:12,280 Speaker 1: are more willing to do the work because secretly they're 222 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,800 Speaker 1: working on themselves so that they to fix their picker 223 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,400 Speaker 1: a little bit too, Like you say a little bit 224 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:20,720 Speaker 1: of that, like I think someone else when you said that, 225 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:22,360 Speaker 1: another thought came to mind. I don't know if this 226 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:25,040 Speaker 1: is kind of relevant, but we all saw in this 227 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,720 Speaker 1: culture women have this like this is a Again, we 228 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:29,960 Speaker 1: have a narrative of what masculinity is, right, and so 229 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:35,840 Speaker 1: that if masculinity is like this big, stocky, like loud, 230 00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:39,800 Speaker 1: abrasive person, they're going to be an asshole, right, And 231 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,480 Speaker 1: we have this culture of saying, this is what it 232 00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:44,920 Speaker 1: is to be a man. Man, you know, your man 233 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,760 Speaker 1: is gonna pick fights of people like he's going to 234 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,679 Speaker 1: be in the factor exactly. So I think too, it's 235 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:54,000 Speaker 1: like this weird We're in this weird place in our 236 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,880 Speaker 1: culture where we're trying to change the narrative and trying 237 00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:00,760 Speaker 1: to challenge these social norms. At the same time, women 238 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,479 Speaker 1: are still, like all of us are still like gravitating 239 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:07,439 Speaker 1: towards these definitions of what is an asshole or what 240 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,160 Speaker 1: what it means to be a man. So there's still 241 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:12,079 Speaker 1: like this pole to date the tall people, right that 242 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:16,439 Speaker 1: like the ripped people, the people that could protect you, 243 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:20,040 Speaker 1: when that can be in all different forms. You can 244 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,760 Speaker 1: find you know, someone who's five eight who's very capable 245 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:26,120 Speaker 1: carrying and going to protect you, right. Yeah. I also 246 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:29,160 Speaker 1: think it's interesting because I had someone who specializes in 247 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,640 Speaker 1: masculine feminine energy and that act that actual the guy 248 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,040 Speaker 1: who is like out picking fights and doing that. That's 249 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:38,240 Speaker 1: like a very wounded feminine energy in a man, Like 250 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:42,440 Speaker 1: it's not even actually masculine because it's like flighty and 251 00:13:42,679 --> 00:13:45,960 Speaker 1: just like all over the place, and um, it's them 252 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,480 Speaker 1: not being able to ground their emotions. Like a true 253 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:52,600 Speaker 1: masculine man is very grounded in his emotions, he's very consistent. 254 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:55,079 Speaker 1: That's where the safety comes in. And so I think 255 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:59,280 Speaker 1: for us too, it's a part of like really understanding 256 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:04,520 Speaker 1: what that looks like and and also getting like very 257 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:08,640 Speaker 1: comfortable in our own feminine energy and knowing that like 258 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,840 Speaker 1: we the flighty and all the like all over the 259 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:13,880 Speaker 1: place and all that stuff like that's not like I think, 260 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,440 Speaker 1: I just I guess My point is, I think we 261 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:19,320 Speaker 1: attract like like attracts, like, so healthier you are, and 262 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,720 Speaker 1: the more grounded you are, the more you're going to 263 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:27,920 Speaker 1: draw in a more grounded, strong, true masculine positive energy. 264 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,680 Speaker 1: And you think, like, there are so many more men 265 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,320 Speaker 1: out there, and they're not they're not all assholes like that. 266 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:35,960 Speaker 1: There's no black and white to that. Like that's for 267 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,280 Speaker 1: sure something I believe. And so if you start to 268 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:41,520 Speaker 1: open yourself up to the idea that not all men 269 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:44,800 Speaker 1: are assholes, then you probably will start noticing some guys 270 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,720 Speaker 1: who are not acting that way, right, I agree, it's 271 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:52,760 Speaker 1: not I have um the boundaries piece. I don't know, 272 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:55,720 Speaker 1: if you like. For me, I was like really struggling 273 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,680 Speaker 1: with that, and then I'm like, wait, it's because I'm 274 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:00,560 Speaker 1: allowing men who are acting like asshole to stay in 275 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:04,120 Speaker 1: my life. And so that's a meat issue, Like I'm 276 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,760 Speaker 1: noticing certain behaviors and I'm like, oh, well, this is 277 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,200 Speaker 1: just all men are assholes. No they're not. But those 278 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,160 Speaker 1: men do need to go from my life because that 279 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:15,560 Speaker 1: doesn't That only hurts my brain more like it doesn't. 280 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:17,440 Speaker 1: It just keeps those narratives alive. And I don't want 281 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:19,880 Speaker 1: to keep those narratives left. Right, So if you had 282 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:23,040 Speaker 1: a better like where if you were more consistent with boundaries, 283 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:27,400 Speaker 1: that these men would be filtered out faster exactly, Like 284 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:30,360 Speaker 1: I might just recognize certain behaviors that do not work 285 00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:34,200 Speaker 1: for me and say, yeah, that's those kind of men 286 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,360 Speaker 1: are not a lot of my life anymore. Well, you know, 287 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:39,760 Speaker 1: the narcissistic you know, because I did, I do a 288 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:44,960 Speaker 1: lot of work with women leaving or navigating leaving narcissistic relationships. 289 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:51,760 Speaker 1: And the usually they grab the narcissists will will latch 290 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:55,840 Speaker 1: onto women that are completely empathic, like empathetic and just 291 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:59,400 Speaker 1: so much compassion and they're just giving and caring because 292 00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:02,760 Speaker 1: they know that an easy source. So that's and usually 293 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,520 Speaker 1: those women you want, you know, I think and I 294 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,640 Speaker 1: would say I would say if I didn't have the 295 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:11,280 Speaker 1: education that I had, I'm very giving and compassionate and 296 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:15,480 Speaker 1: probably would have struggled with boundaries. But the thing is 297 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:18,400 Speaker 1: he's that's that's the pieces they know that this person 298 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,600 Speaker 1: is just so caring and pathic and they're not going 299 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:24,640 Speaker 1: to challenge whatever the other person is saying because you know, 300 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,880 Speaker 1: they want to relate to them and like hold this 301 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,840 Speaker 1: space for them and that person that's that's going to 302 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:34,360 Speaker 1: accept them. And so there is like that they've found 303 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,960 Speaker 1: in research that usually those women are very giving, yeah, 304 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,840 Speaker 1: have a hard time setting boundaries. And it's not like 305 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:45,240 Speaker 1: they're it's a really intelligent, smart, successful, driven women in 306 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:48,800 Speaker 1: these relationships. It's really not that correlation. It's that that 307 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,560 Speaker 1: how much empathy that person has and how caring and 308 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:57,960 Speaker 1: nurturing they are. Oh yeah familiar, Um, yeah, I totally 309 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,800 Speaker 1: agree with that. It's like I've lived lot of my 310 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:04,280 Speaker 1: life and especially my thirties just sort of boundaryless, like 311 00:17:04,359 --> 00:17:08,080 Speaker 1: not aware that I was, but just like you said, 312 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,879 Speaker 1: like feeling like okay, well I'm gonna do this, like 313 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,200 Speaker 1: this is what you do when you're in a loving relationship, 314 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:16,600 Speaker 1: but like completely sacrificing and abandoning myself in an unhealthy 315 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:19,840 Speaker 1: way and until you know it falls apart from me. 316 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:22,720 Speaker 1: I can't always recognize that. But it's like if you 317 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,920 Speaker 1: start off with boundaries and like you said, kind of 318 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:31,359 Speaker 1: recognizing certain behaviors that aren't okay and walking away from 319 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,720 Speaker 1: We're using the example of men, but it could be 320 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:38,240 Speaker 1: anyone in a relationship like that. Um, yeah, then you 321 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,840 Speaker 1: set yourself up to be surrounded with people who are 322 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:44,960 Speaker 1: not going to treat you like an asshole. Right. So 323 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,240 Speaker 1: that's our answer. I feel like we gave like five 324 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:53,880 Speaker 1: different answers but a lot of different facets to that question. Um, 325 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,240 Speaker 1: how do you how much time do you give someone 326 00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:59,240 Speaker 1: to work on their negative behaviors before calling it quits. 327 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:04,320 Speaker 1: Oh that's a really good question question. I thought so too. 328 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,160 Speaker 1: I think it's well, I think it depends stage of life. 329 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:11,760 Speaker 1: I was gonna say stage of life, right, And because 330 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,720 Speaker 1: I always like the older the person, not just like 331 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,000 Speaker 1: the older the person. A lot of times are stuck 332 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,760 Speaker 1: in their ways. I'm not saying people can't change, because 333 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,760 Speaker 1: I wouldn't be in this field if I didn't believe 334 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:25,600 Speaker 1: everyone could change, if they were very intentional and put 335 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:28,119 Speaker 1: in the work. I think when you get to a 336 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:32,560 Speaker 1: certain age and like say, say, for example, like you know, 337 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:35,480 Speaker 1: I've known people to date, you know, people that are older, 338 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,240 Speaker 1: significantly older and like their fifties or whatever, and they're like, 339 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,040 Speaker 1: this person has been single living the bachelor life for 340 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:44,719 Speaker 1: like however many years, and they're just in a space 341 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,040 Speaker 1: of wanting to change their behavior. They haven't needed to. 342 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,919 Speaker 1: So I think it depends on stage of life, like 343 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:53,480 Speaker 1: where is that person at are? And because if someone 344 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:55,720 Speaker 1: for examples, like in their twenties or thirties or forties, 345 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,479 Speaker 1: even like wanting to start a family and they know 346 00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:00,840 Speaker 1: they need to adapt or adj of be flexible for 347 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:05,360 Speaker 1: those things, there's probably a greater chance they will make 348 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:08,200 Speaker 1: the effort to change. Again, we're saying they have insight 349 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:09,879 Speaker 1: versus someone who's like I don't need to change, Like 350 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,439 Speaker 1: I don't need to do it. I've already like I've 351 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:13,439 Speaker 1: hit all the like like you know called my like 352 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,760 Speaker 1: life achievements, and so I don't know. I also think 353 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:21,159 Speaker 1: it depends again on the willingness and the actual intrinsic motivations. 354 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,439 Speaker 1: So are they making changes for themselves or for the partner. 355 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,000 Speaker 1: If it's just for the partner, those aren't going to 356 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:31,080 Speaker 1: be lasting changes. That's another piece that's really important that 357 00:19:31,119 --> 00:19:35,359 Speaker 1: I think we have a hard time sometimes accepting because 358 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,440 Speaker 1: they'll be like, you know, people with that conditions for 359 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,240 Speaker 1: their partner of their relationship, like I need you to 360 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,959 Speaker 1: like you know, go to therapy and adjust your childhood 361 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,000 Speaker 1: trauma for us to be together. And so then the 362 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,520 Speaker 1: partner will go to therapy and they'll do the ten 363 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,840 Speaker 1: sessions and they're big, we're good, and they just check 364 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,760 Speaker 1: the box and nothing's actually been addressed. So I think 365 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:54,800 Speaker 1: it's hard as like no timeline. But I think later 366 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,840 Speaker 1: in life it's more difficult for people to change because 367 00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:59,400 Speaker 1: they don't really want to and they haven't been they 368 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,520 Speaker 1: haven't had to. And then I think it's also how 369 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:07,040 Speaker 1: invested are they in changing, because like you said, I mean, 370 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,640 Speaker 1: if you're later in life, I mean something was going 371 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:12,439 Speaker 1: right for you, you probably like you're you know, like 372 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:17,159 Speaker 1: your life is working to a satisfactory level for you 373 00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:20,399 Speaker 1: at least, right, So why would you want to change? Like, 374 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,800 Speaker 1: I don't change without pain personally, So like I can't 375 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:27,040 Speaker 1: imagine just be like signing up for a relationship and 376 00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:29,520 Speaker 1: be like, yeah, I'll change for you for no reason. 377 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,320 Speaker 1: You know, it's just like unless it's causing me major 378 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,119 Speaker 1: pain or loss or something like it's showing a major 379 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,119 Speaker 1: issue in my life, why would I change? Also, you 380 00:20:38,119 --> 00:20:40,639 Speaker 1: can change behavior, but you can't try and change personality. 381 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,360 Speaker 1: And I think a lot of people struggle with that 382 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:46,479 Speaker 1: difference where right, if someone is really firm in like 383 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:49,440 Speaker 1: their belief system, they're not going to change their beliefs. 384 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:54,960 Speaker 1: But if say, for example, they I don't know, don't 385 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,480 Speaker 1: love dogs, and you're like, well, I need a dog 386 00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:58,040 Speaker 1: to be a part of my life, and they're like, okay, 387 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,280 Speaker 1: like I'll lean into that, work on work on accepting 388 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:03,240 Speaker 1: you and your dog. That's different. That's not like a 389 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:08,200 Speaker 1: personality a fixed right, Yeah, that's a right. Well yeah, 390 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,240 Speaker 1: and me. And they're also people that are like I 391 00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:13,080 Speaker 1: don't want I don't think I want kids, and it's 392 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:16,280 Speaker 1: a deal breaker for the other and they come around, 393 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:19,440 Speaker 1: you know, like they don't or they don't, and that's 394 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:22,560 Speaker 1: you know, the deal is broken. I know a lot 395 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,920 Speaker 1: of people do that would have kids with the right person, 396 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:27,359 Speaker 1: so maybe they just they also it's been it's like 397 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,080 Speaker 1: I haven't met someone that I want to do that 398 00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:31,000 Speaker 1: with or that like I felt like we'd be good 399 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:32,520 Speaker 1: co parents or that they you know what I mean. 400 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:35,840 Speaker 1: They so again, like it's hard because I think each 401 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:39,960 Speaker 1: each there's different situations in every relationship where there is 402 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,400 Speaker 1: more flexibility. But like if someone, for example, is really 403 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:45,720 Speaker 1: religious and you and they want their partner to be 404 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:48,399 Speaker 1: really religious, They're like, Nope, I'm like a like a 405 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,920 Speaker 1: hard part atheist or agnostic. I'm not gonna like can't 406 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:55,040 Speaker 1: you can't force that out of someone that's like they're deeper, 407 00:21:55,359 --> 00:21:59,040 Speaker 1: like that's a belief system completely. Yeah, And I mean 408 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:01,399 Speaker 1: to answer her question and about just like how long 409 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:05,600 Speaker 1: do you give someone I think your point about what 410 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:08,080 Speaker 1: are they working on it for themselves? Like what is 411 00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:12,520 Speaker 1: their process in the actual like plan for change? Are 412 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 1: they just doing it to appease you, because I know 413 00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:16,960 Speaker 1: I've been in situations like that and it never sticks 414 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:20,880 Speaker 1: because never no, I mean, it's just like to maintain 415 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,200 Speaker 1: their relationship or try to get the peace back or whatever. 416 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:26,240 Speaker 1: So it's not actually a core level. Hey, I really 417 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:27,879 Speaker 1: want to change this about myself, so it's not going 418 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,439 Speaker 1: to change, you know. I've had people come to me 419 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,560 Speaker 1: they're like, my partner wants me here, and I'm like, great, 420 00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:36,840 Speaker 1: this is going to go well, right, It's been really honest, um, 421 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,200 Speaker 1: and usually they try to bullshit me, but I've always 422 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:41,120 Speaker 1: been honest, Like, if you're not here because you think 423 00:22:41,119 --> 00:22:43,280 Speaker 1: you need to change, there's no point in us working together. 424 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,840 Speaker 1: So it's always everyone's time exactly. But they're like, why, 425 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,000 Speaker 1: I just need to do it, and so like it's 426 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,480 Speaker 1: one of those things where and it was a certain 427 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:51,080 Speaker 1: situation where I worked at like but we had an 428 00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:53,560 Speaker 1: employer where I had to work with them. But typically 429 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:56,120 Speaker 1: I would probably say, no, we're not this isn't I'm 430 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:59,920 Speaker 1: not the therapist for you, right, Yeah, And I think 431 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:02,760 Speaker 1: to timeline as far as like how I think the 432 00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:05,359 Speaker 1: other question is how how early are you into the 433 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:08,879 Speaker 1: dating relationship? Like usually it takes like a handful of 434 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,000 Speaker 1: months to really get to know someone, and if there's 435 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,439 Speaker 1: an investment, they might be willing to change if you 436 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:16,199 Speaker 1: feel like there's a connection. So I feel like you 437 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,440 Speaker 1: give it like a few months for someone to make changes, 438 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:23,240 Speaker 1: and even small changes can be an indicator that there's 439 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,840 Speaker 1: potential for bigger changes. But if you're at the beginning 440 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:30,080 Speaker 1: of a relationship already asking for changes, isn't that maybe 441 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:35,080 Speaker 1: like a I don't be the best match. I mean yes, 442 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:36,840 Speaker 1: I think I just don't know where are we at, 443 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:39,000 Speaker 1: Like is this something okay? You're saying like if you're 444 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,359 Speaker 1: in it, maybe long term, and you're like, this is 445 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:44,000 Speaker 1: an issue. You give us some time. Stuff doesn't like 446 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:47,000 Speaker 1: never night that you're dating someone it's been like again 447 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:49,800 Speaker 1: short six months and eight months and you're like like, 448 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:51,680 Speaker 1: I like you, I care about you, I want this 449 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,280 Speaker 1: to work. I need you to start doing a B 450 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:56,320 Speaker 1: or C. That's different, right, because you've invested. There's like 451 00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:00,600 Speaker 1: you're feeling commitment on your end, and it sounds at 452 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,280 Speaker 1: that stage you're like, this is what I would need 453 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:04,520 Speaker 1: to to further progress this relationship. I don't know. I 454 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,520 Speaker 1: think it's just like and I think I always think 455 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,080 Speaker 1: it did this last time. Like there's so many like 456 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:12,240 Speaker 1: conditional totally can't really be like, yeah, give them five 457 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:15,760 Speaker 1: months and if they take five months like they're out, 458 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,800 Speaker 1: Like that's not because it's I don't know. To me, 459 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:22,639 Speaker 1: it's more about like noticing progress and intention and so 460 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,840 Speaker 1: like if you have if you're seeing those patterns, like 461 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:29,320 Speaker 1: just know that things don't change every night, and honestly 462 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:32,480 Speaker 1: like giving it time to see if it sticks, and 463 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:35,800 Speaker 1: like the consistency that they maintain that's probably really just 464 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,520 Speaker 1: as important as if they snap their fingers and they 465 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,520 Speaker 1: were like, hey, I'm not going to do that anymore, 466 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:43,000 Speaker 1: and then tomorrow they don't do it. It's like okay, 467 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:46,439 Speaker 1: but can they maintain that? And what's the actual lasting change? 468 00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:50,160 Speaker 1: And so I think it just takes some time. And 469 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:52,960 Speaker 1: I just said, like in any sort of addiction based thing, 470 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,159 Speaker 1: I mean they tell you like three to five years. 471 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,400 Speaker 1: So I mean, you know, it could be a lot 472 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:00,840 Speaker 1: of different stuff. It just depends on your situation, likely 473 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:05,600 Speaker 1: is saying, and um, maybe your willingness, and and also 474 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:08,600 Speaker 1: what you're observing from their end, Like if you're having 475 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,239 Speaker 1: to drag them to therapy every week and they're like 476 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,960 Speaker 1: begrudgingly going, I mean that might be a red flag issue, 477 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,960 Speaker 1: right there also meaningful changes to say you're like living 478 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:19,680 Speaker 1: first with someone, for example, and you want them to 479 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,680 Speaker 1: contribute and you're like, I need you to help out more, 480 00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:25,080 Speaker 1: and then they maybe a couple of times like clean 481 00:25:25,119 --> 00:25:28,000 Speaker 1: the house and it's spotless. That's not the same as 482 00:25:28,119 --> 00:25:31,880 Speaker 1: we're sharing responsibilities when we cook someone else helps clean. Like, 483 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,800 Speaker 1: So looking for those meaningful changes versus those like very 484 00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:39,439 Speaker 1: um kind of like more extreme gestures, it's like, yeah, 485 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:41,840 Speaker 1: you know, I think that's like that can become more 486 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,080 Speaker 1: love bombing, which people to have a difficult time. They're like, oh, 487 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:47,040 Speaker 1: they're changing, but no, that they're manipulating the situation by 488 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:50,639 Speaker 1: doing these extreme kind of grand gestures that make it 489 00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:54,119 Speaker 1: look like they've changed, but it's really just what is 490 00:25:54,119 --> 00:26:00,240 Speaker 1: it called like fog whatever? It is not bright ask 491 00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:03,280 Speaker 1: lighting in a way it's but what is it called? Me? 492 00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:06,200 Speaker 1: Like there's a term when you like smoke in mirrors? 493 00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:10,040 Speaker 1: That's yes, you know, I think I think when you 494 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:14,840 Speaker 1: changing in a relationship is not different than changing in 495 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:18,680 Speaker 1: anything else that you do in your life. And um, 496 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:20,400 Speaker 1: I think I've said it on here before. I read 497 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:24,120 Speaker 1: a quote once it was like um, and I'm paraphrasing it, 498 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:27,439 Speaker 1: but it's basically like, um, rather than look at the 499 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:31,520 Speaker 1: entire staircase. Look at the stair in front of you. Yeah. 500 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:33,399 Speaker 1: So it's like so that you can focus on the 501 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:36,880 Speaker 1: one thing that you really can change to them get 502 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:38,439 Speaker 1: to the next step to change it, to change it. 503 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:40,800 Speaker 1: So it's like rather than like cleaning the whole house 504 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:43,200 Speaker 1: and making it spotless, like what if you just started 505 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:46,280 Speaker 1: making the bed every day, right, you know, or like 506 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,919 Speaker 1: grubbing the shower every Saturday. And so, I mean I 507 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:52,760 Speaker 1: think it's the same thing. And just in a relationship, 508 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,760 Speaker 1: it's like you can't go from zero to a hundred 509 00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:58,920 Speaker 1: and expect those changes to stick, like change the one 510 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:02,400 Speaker 1: or ask someone like, hey, this is the most important 511 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,040 Speaker 1: thing to me, Like I really need you to focus 512 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:09,280 Speaker 1: on this, and I think then you can a the 513 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:12,919 Speaker 1: change could be lasting and real and be like someone 514 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:16,399 Speaker 1: could actually really give it. They're all because if someone 515 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:18,840 Speaker 1: asks you to change a lot about yourself, it becomes 516 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,600 Speaker 1: so overwhelming that like you can act like you're doing it, 517 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:24,920 Speaker 1: but there's there's no chance that you're actually going to succeed. Right, 518 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:29,240 Speaker 1: So sustainable, like the smaller the steps, this is more sustainable. Right, Yeah, 519 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:33,480 Speaker 1: that's a point. Okay, boyfriend hasn't wanted to have sex 520 00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:35,960 Speaker 1: in four months, he still doesn't. I don't know what 521 00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:43,480 Speaker 1: to do, get him a boyfriend, getting him a boyfriend. Yeah, 522 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:47,240 Speaker 1: it sounds like there's a problem that I mean, yeah, 523 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:52,480 Speaker 1: I would. I mean you have to ask why. I think, like, yeah, 524 00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:55,080 Speaker 1: what what's coming up? Like, because it could be lots 525 00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:57,880 Speaker 1: of things. It could be like there's something missing, they're 526 00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:00,399 Speaker 1: not feeling connected in this moment. It could be their 527 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:06,880 Speaker 1: own insecurities, like depression can lead to you know, bedroom, Yeah, 528 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:16,120 Speaker 1: lots of things. Yeah, it happens. There's also times where 529 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:17,919 Speaker 1: it's like you do need to ask what's going on 530 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:21,159 Speaker 1: because I know I've heard stories about like I'm not 531 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:24,600 Speaker 1: saying this, sorry if this is like put fear in somebody. 532 00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:27,840 Speaker 1: But when there's cheating or another something else going on, 533 00:28:28,119 --> 00:28:30,280 Speaker 1: like a lot of times, the behavior within the relationship 534 00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:33,640 Speaker 1: does change like that because either they're getting their needs 535 00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:37,080 Speaker 1: met somewhere else or they feel guilt or whatever it is. 536 00:28:37,119 --> 00:28:39,360 Speaker 1: And so it is important, it seems like to really 537 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:43,040 Speaker 1: kind of get some perspective from your partner and what's 538 00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:47,880 Speaker 1: going on. Yeah, reconnect. I think it's just asking, and 539 00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:49,320 Speaker 1: I think that's hard for a lot of people, and 540 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:52,000 Speaker 1: they take I think a lot of times people become defensive. 541 00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:55,160 Speaker 1: So when your partner isn't wanting to be intimate, then 542 00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:57,680 Speaker 1: the defensiveness and it creates a dynamic where it's just 543 00:28:57,760 --> 00:29:01,560 Speaker 1: like push poll versus a more like curious about it 544 00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:05,480 Speaker 1: and asking the questions, the hard questions, even if you 545 00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:09,560 Speaker 1: don't have to like suggest what's going on? Right, something 546 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:12,840 Speaker 1: must be happening for there to be this change four 547 00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:17,280 Speaker 1: months in a relationship, that's a long time. Yeah, curious 548 00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:22,280 Speaker 1: how long this relationship? That's a good question too, Yeah, 549 00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:25,120 Speaker 1: because in long term relationships, they say a lot of times, 550 00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:27,880 Speaker 1: like you hear a lot about like sexless marriages and 551 00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:29,960 Speaker 1: things like that, and so, but there always is a 552 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:33,680 Speaker 1: deeper issue or a connecting issue, like you know, a 553 00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:38,240 Speaker 1: disconnection somewhere. So where someone has kids, Yeah, like if 554 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:40,800 Speaker 1: someone has kids like that can get in the way 555 00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:45,200 Speaker 1: of sleep and having your personal and alone time. And 556 00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:48,200 Speaker 1: there's also people that struggle with like well, you know, 557 00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:50,680 Speaker 1: women struggle with postpartum and don't want to have sex 558 00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:54,880 Speaker 1: or men plexus or I mean it's just there's a 559 00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:58,320 Speaker 1: slew of reasons why this could be happening, right, So 560 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:01,240 Speaker 1: it's more about communication again, and we always go back 561 00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:07,520 Speaker 1: to chip and I always end up landing on communication. Yeah, um, 562 00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:10,240 Speaker 1: what do you do after a fight with your partner? 563 00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:20,120 Speaker 1: That's very big? Apologize? Right? How did it end? I 564 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:24,320 Speaker 1: don't know? Yeah, I know. I think taking space is 565 00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:27,600 Speaker 1: always good when you're in a fight and having time 566 00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:32,960 Speaker 1: to be like on your own, not elevated and some 567 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:35,280 Speaker 1: space from it is helpful. But again, we don't know 568 00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:39,760 Speaker 1: what's going on, and that's a hard question to answer 569 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:43,480 Speaker 1: when I don't know the details. Yeah, I mean, I 570 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:46,360 Speaker 1: guess it could be lower intensity and whatever capacity that 571 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:49,120 Speaker 1: looks like, like whether it's if you guys have ended 572 00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:53,680 Speaker 1: the fight and um, maybe you need reconnecting time or 573 00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:55,840 Speaker 1: you know, like and maybe it's like you said, you 574 00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:58,280 Speaker 1: need to reconnect to self first and then come back 575 00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:01,360 Speaker 1: together and do something you'd like an activity that you 576 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,080 Speaker 1: guys like to do together, or watch a show that 577 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:06,840 Speaker 1: you like to watch together, something that's like a reconnecting 578 00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:09,280 Speaker 1: time so that you can get kind of out of 579 00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:12,200 Speaker 1: the darkness of the fight, you know, like, do something 580 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:17,120 Speaker 1: you enjoy doing together and even expressing gratitude for one another. 581 00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:19,640 Speaker 1: If like, you know, I guess I'm assuming that this 582 00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:22,520 Speaker 1: has been resolved, so then you're just kind of yeah, 583 00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:27,520 Speaker 1: recentering yourself as a couple and expressing gratitude, appreciation, you know, 584 00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:29,800 Speaker 1: and couples, counseling, or even family. It's a lot of 585 00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:32,520 Speaker 1: it's you start and then with something you appreciate or 586 00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:36,040 Speaker 1: admire about your partner or your family members. So really 587 00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:38,800 Speaker 1: just reconnecting to those reasons why you're with them initially, 588 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:42,160 Speaker 1: it's hard to lose sight of it. Um. The new 589 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:45,840 Speaker 1: book US by Terrence Terrence Ohen is that it did 590 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:48,400 Speaker 1: I say, I think it's US. I have to google it, 591 00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:51,440 Speaker 1: but um, he's so. He talks a lot about how 592 00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:54,239 Speaker 1: when couples are fighting there and there magdalas so then 593 00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:56,200 Speaker 1: you lose complete sight, right, so you're part of the 594 00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:58,640 Speaker 1: brain that's fighter flight, and you lease complete sight of 595 00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:02,080 Speaker 1: what's actually in front of you in that moment, and 596 00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:04,560 Speaker 1: that all the things that happened in this relationship that 597 00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:08,240 Speaker 1: led you to to be together and acted. So going 598 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:12,440 Speaker 1: back to well a acknowledging that you're in this state 599 00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:16,400 Speaker 1: and then be reconnecting to the relationship, like grounding yourself 600 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:20,520 Speaker 1: doing that mindfulness within your relationship. I think that's a 601 00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:24,840 Speaker 1: really good idea. UM, you love and care for someone 602 00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:27,240 Speaker 1: but they can't meet your needs. You end it. How 603 00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:30,320 Speaker 1: do you deal with the grief? That is a hard 604 00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:34,360 Speaker 1: one to me. It's it's different than like grief of 605 00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:36,760 Speaker 1: a breakup because you have well, I guess it's the same. 606 00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:40,320 Speaker 1: It's that word disappointment keeps coming to my mind, like 607 00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:47,120 Speaker 1: there's something in that letting go process that it's just disappointing, 608 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:49,640 Speaker 1: Like it's disappointing. It couldn't be different than it was. 609 00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:54,200 Speaker 1: It's disappointing that like y'all couldn't figure that out or 610 00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:56,640 Speaker 1: they couldn't step up in the areas that you really 611 00:32:56,680 --> 00:33:00,080 Speaker 1: needed them to. Like, it's just that disappointment feeling. Know. 612 00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:04,760 Speaker 1: I think it's like oftentimes if you had plans, right, 613 00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:06,640 Speaker 1: we were going to do this, this was our plan. 614 00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:09,560 Speaker 1: This was our and not even like long term plans, 615 00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:10,520 Speaker 1: but this is what we were going to do for 616 00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:12,080 Speaker 1: the holidays, this is what we were going to do 617 00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:16,080 Speaker 1: next year, right or UM. I know people that just 618 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:20,640 Speaker 1: talk about even talking about marriage or having children or 619 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:24,000 Speaker 1: long term like all those hypotheticals are things that you 620 00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:27,480 Speaker 1: discussed together that not being there anymore can be really 621 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:31,600 Speaker 1: can be really disappointing. Um. And I think it's just grief. 622 00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:35,560 Speaker 1: Like it's just like you're almost grieving that that hopefulness 623 00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:38,240 Speaker 1: that you had and shared with that person too. That's 624 00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:40,560 Speaker 1: a good way to phrase it, because I think that's 625 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:44,120 Speaker 1: what I mean by disappointing, because it's like there's certain 626 00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:46,280 Speaker 1: people who can just like bounce right back on move 627 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:48,360 Speaker 1: on to the next and like that gives them hope 628 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:51,080 Speaker 1: or whatever. But like if you can't operate that way 629 00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:53,760 Speaker 1: and you really do want to process through the grief, 630 00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:55,560 Speaker 1: it does it's like you're kind of stuck in the 631 00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:59,080 Speaker 1: space of like letting go of the hope and the 632 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:02,800 Speaker 1: potential of that relationship, and that's a part of the 633 00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:06,000 Speaker 1: grief process. Like I just I guess I was reading 634 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:09,120 Speaker 1: it just thinking like you have to just allow yourself 635 00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:13,840 Speaker 1: to feel the grief and also like then give yourself 636 00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:16,879 Speaker 1: a little credit for walking away from something that wasn't 637 00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:19,200 Speaker 1: meeting your need. That's what I was gonna say, Like, 638 00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:22,839 Speaker 1: you have you have to be you have to give 639 00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:26,040 Speaker 1: gratitude to yourself. Yes, because at the end of the day, 640 00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:31,839 Speaker 1: as much as it hurts you're you're you would be 641 00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:35,040 Speaker 1: prolonging the the inevitable if you didn't call it when 642 00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:37,880 Speaker 1: you did. Yeah, and just inviting in more pain. The 643 00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:40,200 Speaker 1: longer you stay when you're not getting your needs met, 644 00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:43,160 Speaker 1: the more pain you open yourself up well and remind 645 00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:45,600 Speaker 1: and you need to remind yourself that by letting go 646 00:34:45,719 --> 00:34:49,000 Speaker 1: of this relationship, it opens you up to the possibility 647 00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:53,239 Speaker 1: of the one that will work. Yeah, so it's it 648 00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:57,000 Speaker 1: doesn't make the pain any any less real Um, you 649 00:34:57,120 --> 00:35:00,200 Speaker 1: just have to know that it's the right thing. You know. 650 00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:04,239 Speaker 1: That sounds really like woo woo, But I believe it. 651 00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:06,600 Speaker 1: I believe it. And I even talk about people with dating, 652 00:35:06,640 --> 00:35:08,520 Speaker 1: like when they get so and I did this with 653 00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:11,160 Speaker 1: my twenties, especially when you're just beat yourself up when 654 00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:12,960 Speaker 1: someone goes to you or if they're not interested or 655 00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:16,480 Speaker 1: it ends and you're just like so just devastating a 656 00:35:16,520 --> 00:35:18,560 Speaker 1: heart on yourself, Like, but would you want to convince 657 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:20,600 Speaker 1: someone to be with you? Would you? Right? Where is 658 00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:24,200 Speaker 1: this thing? I don't think that's a That alternative doesn't 659 00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:28,719 Speaker 1: seem great either. So it's like knowing that this happened 660 00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:31,880 Speaker 1: and that it's all part of your experiences, it's going 661 00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:34,200 Speaker 1: to lead you to the right person and the right relationship. 662 00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:37,080 Speaker 1: So I mean, so there is hope in that too, 663 00:35:37,239 --> 00:35:40,840 Speaker 1: Like letting yourself grieve it, feel disappointment, and then finding 664 00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:43,759 Speaker 1: the new hope that there's something more suited for you 665 00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:49,439 Speaker 1: out there. Okay, girl wants time to self but still 666 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:54,200 Speaker 1: wants to do what we're doing minus expectations. Do I 667 00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:59,080 Speaker 1: stay So Basically it sounds like this person from a guy. 668 00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:03,279 Speaker 1: I um, it's I don't know, it's a name that 669 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:06,360 Speaker 1: could be girl or guys. I guess it really doesn't 670 00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:09,239 Speaker 1: matter matter, but their their partner who they're in their 671 00:36:09,239 --> 00:36:13,400 Speaker 1: relationship with, wants more time to self but also wants 672 00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:15,719 Speaker 1: to have Basically they want it sounds like they want 673 00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:18,200 Speaker 1: their Kate. They want friends with benefits is what they're 674 00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:20,440 Speaker 1: asking for. Yeah, they want the person to be available 675 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:22,160 Speaker 1: when they want them, but then they want to be 676 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:23,600 Speaker 1: able to do what they want to do. That's all 677 00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:28,120 Speaker 1: I read. The listener wants time to themselves. It sounds 678 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:32,440 Speaker 1: like their partner is saying they want some space, but 679 00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:34,440 Speaker 1: they still don't want to get busy when they want 680 00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:40,040 Speaker 1: to get busy. Yes, right, yeah, with no expectations, with 681 00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:43,080 Speaker 1: no expectations. Yeah, you have to be on the same 682 00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:45,960 Speaker 1: page at least about even about having no expectations. You 683 00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:49,279 Speaker 1: both have to be on the same page, right, like 684 00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:52,440 Speaker 1: if it's yeah, so like if I always say this, 685 00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:55,879 Speaker 1: if you're like doing more casual dating or having more 686 00:36:55,920 --> 00:36:58,680 Speaker 1: casual sex and relationships, totally fine, but you both have 687 00:36:58,760 --> 00:37:03,279 Speaker 1: to be on that same page because it never works out. 688 00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:05,920 Speaker 1: And so many people try to like fit that what 689 00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:07,880 Speaker 1: is it? Always it circle in the square pay they 690 00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:09,440 Speaker 1: try to fit it and like make this like, well, 691 00:37:09,440 --> 00:37:11,359 Speaker 1: maybe it'll work out, Like no, no no, they're not. They 692 00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:16,400 Speaker 1: have no expectations, no plans. When they show up. This 693 00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:18,319 Speaker 1: is who they are, right, and they could change, but 694 00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:21,279 Speaker 1: I mean you can't on the same page for the 695 00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:24,600 Speaker 1: expectation piece well, and I feel I feel like if 696 00:37:24,640 --> 00:37:27,279 Speaker 1: it's like I feel like it's more realistic if it 697 00:37:27,400 --> 00:37:30,719 Speaker 1: starts like, hey, let's keep this casual, like let's have fun, 698 00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:33,279 Speaker 1: and it grows into something. But it starts as a 699 00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:35,880 Speaker 1: real relationship and someone want space but I want to 700 00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:39,480 Speaker 1: keep sucking and you're not on the same page. But 701 00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:40,880 Speaker 1: that that is not going to end well for you. 702 00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:46,120 Speaker 1: That is them telling you this isn't working right, And 703 00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:49,480 Speaker 1: it's also my Angelou quote like when people show you 704 00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:52,480 Speaker 1: who they are, believe them, and like you can't just 705 00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:55,480 Speaker 1: hold onto something because you're trying to hold like I've 706 00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:58,440 Speaker 1: done this in relationships before. It's like you want every 707 00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:01,760 Speaker 1: or you hold onto glimmer of hope of the beginning 708 00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:04,719 Speaker 1: of the relationships, and it's like, no, the person is 709 00:38:04,719 --> 00:38:07,160 Speaker 1: actually like that has run out and they are showing 710 00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:10,360 Speaker 1: you who they are right now and tough to believe 711 00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:13,200 Speaker 1: them or else you again you open yourself up for 712 00:38:13,239 --> 00:38:16,480 Speaker 1: more disappointment and pain. And so if there's saying like, hey, 713 00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:18,960 Speaker 1: I can't give you, like, listen to what they're saying. 714 00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:21,399 Speaker 1: If they're saying, I just want you to be there 715 00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:23,640 Speaker 1: when I want you to be like, is that okay 716 00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:26,719 Speaker 1: with you? And if not, then maybe it's time to 717 00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:29,279 Speaker 1: make some changes. I think what's hard. No, I think 718 00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:31,520 Speaker 1: exactly that's exactly what they're saying, but they're not saying 719 00:38:31,520 --> 00:38:34,960 Speaker 1: that's all the subtext. But it's really hard for people 720 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:39,360 Speaker 1: to read that subtext, and people want to it's usually 721 00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:44,400 Speaker 1: like denial, yes, because none of us want that. Actually, 722 00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:47,000 Speaker 1: if you're really interested in this person, are really enjoying 723 00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:50,840 Speaker 1: the relations right, But I think you have to really 724 00:38:50,880 --> 00:38:54,040 Speaker 1: I think people don't want to take things for face value. 725 00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:58,520 Speaker 1: I think there's like this this hopefulness, this this person 726 00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:03,600 Speaker 1: will change. There could be different, yes, but you have 727 00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:07,240 Speaker 1: to pay attention to that. Yeah, what are they actually saying? 728 00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:09,319 Speaker 1: Like I just had lunch with a friend and she 729 00:39:09,440 --> 00:39:11,800 Speaker 1: was telling me a story and the person was basically 730 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:14,279 Speaker 1: like they were going on these dates. But he was like, Hey, 731 00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:16,399 Speaker 1: I've been in this one again, off again things. I'm 732 00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:19,840 Speaker 1: really not that available for anything more serious until I 733 00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:23,480 Speaker 1: figured that out, and she still kept trying to pursue 734 00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:25,359 Speaker 1: and she goes And then my friend called me out 735 00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:28,759 Speaker 1: and was like, hey, he told you where he is. 736 00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:33,640 Speaker 1: You're listening. He told you he's not available, right, And 737 00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:36,799 Speaker 1: so it's about actually paying attention to what are they 738 00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:41,200 Speaker 1: saying to you? And yeah, believe what do you want? Like, 739 00:39:41,239 --> 00:39:44,000 Speaker 1: what do you want? So they're saying I don't want expectations. 740 00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:46,799 Speaker 1: Sounds like you did want expectations, which is fair. You 741 00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:54,040 Speaker 1: deserve all that's right? Yeah? Um, okay, last question? Moving 742 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:56,800 Speaker 1: on from someone who refuses to give you in person 743 00:39:56,840 --> 00:40:01,880 Speaker 1: closure but remains in your life that is brutal, like 744 00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:04,360 Speaker 1: at work, Like what do they remain? I didn't, I 745 00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:07,320 Speaker 1: don't have any more information. Will you? Will you repeat 746 00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:11,080 Speaker 1: what they said? Will chip? Moving on from someone who 747 00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:14,319 Speaker 1: refuses to give you in person closure but remains in 748 00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:16,680 Speaker 1: your life, so work would be a situation. I can 749 00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:20,320 Speaker 1: imagine that maybe they or they have kids, friends or 750 00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:25,319 Speaker 1: mutual friends. So what they text you to break up 751 00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:27,840 Speaker 1: and then you have to see are asking me questions. 752 00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:32,440 Speaker 1: I'm just trying to paint a scenario for us. So 753 00:40:32,480 --> 00:40:35,520 Speaker 1: it's like, okay, so if it's not in person, it 754 00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:39,520 Speaker 1: has to be via text or phone, right, right, and 755 00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:41,719 Speaker 1: then you have to see them. This is my thing 756 00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,560 Speaker 1: about closure, and I don't know the answer the question. 757 00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:49,239 Speaker 1: I don't think closure is like, is this conversation that's 758 00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:51,200 Speaker 1: had and then you have it and you move on 759 00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:53,279 Speaker 1: and everything's fine. It's gonna be painful, it's going to 760 00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:56,080 Speaker 1: be awkward, and I think we have we have this 761 00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:58,719 Speaker 1: weird fantasy of what it means to have closure. We 762 00:40:58,800 --> 00:41:01,279 Speaker 1: see that all the time in shows and movies. Right, 763 00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:04,000 Speaker 1: they like have this one last conversation and like then 764 00:41:04,040 --> 00:41:07,360 Speaker 1: they can move on and it can be helpful. But 765 00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:09,960 Speaker 1: the other person might not need that closure or think 766 00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:13,640 Speaker 1: that there already is closure, or you know, I've been 767 00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:17,680 Speaker 1: in scenarios where I've tried to have closure and it's 768 00:41:17,719 --> 00:41:20,960 Speaker 1: like we cannot have a conversation, and so it just 769 00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:23,200 Speaker 1: has to stop at some point because it's just like 770 00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:26,600 Speaker 1: over and over and over the same dysfunctional cycle and 771 00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:29,960 Speaker 1: it's never ending, and like it has to fucking end somewhere, 772 00:41:30,040 --> 00:41:33,680 Speaker 1: Like it has to stop. Maybe the closure is literally 773 00:41:33,680 --> 00:41:39,400 Speaker 1: just being like I deserve and if someone's not willing 774 00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:42,759 Speaker 1: to give you what you need. That again just reiterates 775 00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:44,880 Speaker 1: this person is not meant to be in your life 776 00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:49,239 Speaker 1: or in right chip with you if they're not getting Yeah, 777 00:41:49,560 --> 00:41:53,000 Speaker 1: closure doesn't come from other people. Know this is I've 778 00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:55,880 Speaker 1: learned over and over and over again, but specifically in 779 00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:59,520 Speaker 1: this last year of my life, like closure only comes 780 00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:01,800 Speaker 1: from your of you have to get to the piece 781 00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:05,680 Speaker 1: and the like acceptance and go through the grief that's 782 00:42:05,719 --> 00:42:08,600 Speaker 1: all on you. Like even if you have that one 783 00:42:08,719 --> 00:42:11,479 Speaker 1: last conversation with the person, you still have to walk 784 00:42:11,520 --> 00:42:14,160 Speaker 1: away and deal with all of those feelings and like 785 00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:18,080 Speaker 1: letting go in that whole entire process by yourself. I 786 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:20,600 Speaker 1: can go with you. That's why you're breaking up. I 787 00:42:21,200 --> 00:42:24,560 Speaker 1: saw a story today. I mean, this isn't a breakup 788 00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:26,960 Speaker 1: closure thing, but I think it's a really great example 789 00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:32,279 Speaker 1: of closure. Um, that isn't the stereotypical idea. It was 790 00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:35,960 Speaker 1: about this couple that got married was getting married and 791 00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:41,680 Speaker 1: the husband his brother died when he was thirteen or fourteen, 792 00:42:41,719 --> 00:42:46,160 Speaker 1: fifteen years old, and the parents donated his organs. So 793 00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:51,680 Speaker 1: the wife surprised the husband by inviting the woman who 794 00:42:51,719 --> 00:42:55,279 Speaker 1: received his brother's heart to the wedding so that his 795 00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:59,000 Speaker 1: brother could be there. And there's there's video, but it's 796 00:42:59,040 --> 00:43:01,400 Speaker 1: so emotional, and she gave him a key chain that 797 00:43:01,600 --> 00:43:03,680 Speaker 1: like had a poem written on it and on the 798 00:43:03,719 --> 00:43:06,680 Speaker 1: back is an etching of his brother's heart beat. And 799 00:43:06,719 --> 00:43:08,600 Speaker 1: then like in the video you see him like listening 800 00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:11,280 Speaker 1: to his brother's heartbeat and a step with a stethoscope, 801 00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:14,800 Speaker 1: and he said, like there's a quote that said something 802 00:43:14,880 --> 00:43:18,440 Speaker 1: like I really can't put into words what it meant 803 00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:20,719 Speaker 1: to me, but now I feel like I have some 804 00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:26,360 Speaker 1: closure m And to me, it's like we all have 805 00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:28,919 Speaker 1: this idea of what closure is. It's like it's more 806 00:43:28,960 --> 00:43:33,719 Speaker 1: like people just want the final word. But the conversation 807 00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:39,920 Speaker 1: that's gy was was he finally was at peace with 808 00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:42,800 Speaker 1: the fact that his brother was gone, and that is closure. 809 00:43:43,040 --> 00:43:46,520 Speaker 1: Closure is finding the piece to move forward. But that's 810 00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:54,160 Speaker 1: always usually within you, usually which is like to contradiction, 811 00:43:55,200 --> 00:43:59,440 Speaker 1: but always but it's and it can be in experiences, 812 00:43:59,480 --> 00:44:02,800 Speaker 1: like what you're describe is an experience that gave him closure, 813 00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:05,120 Speaker 1: But my guess would be that he had been working 814 00:44:05,160 --> 00:44:08,680 Speaker 1: towards that and that was like the final maybe piece 815 00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:12,799 Speaker 1: that gave him the sense of like acceptance and letting go. 816 00:44:13,080 --> 00:44:15,120 Speaker 1: Like I said, but you don't just get there by 817 00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:18,680 Speaker 1: snapping your fingers overnight. It's a process and we all 818 00:44:18,719 --> 00:44:21,120 Speaker 1: have to go through it in whatever way you know 819 00:44:21,239 --> 00:44:26,080 Speaker 1: works for us. But um, it usually isn't. I don't 820 00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:30,080 Speaker 1: believe from the other person because you each have different 821 00:44:30,080 --> 00:44:32,799 Speaker 1: perspectives of the relationship and how it's ending. So there's 822 00:44:32,840 --> 00:44:36,000 Speaker 1: really going to be like and this this is how 823 00:44:36,040 --> 00:44:38,640 Speaker 1: we end it. You said this, I said this, and 824 00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:40,560 Speaker 1: now we are ending Like it's not it's not that 825 00:44:40,719 --> 00:44:42,359 Speaker 1: I mean, it could be amicable, but it's not that 826 00:44:42,440 --> 00:44:45,560 Speaker 1: clear cut. And usually it's when people want some people 827 00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:48,279 Speaker 1: want to be like we decided together we're breaking up, 828 00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:50,560 Speaker 1: and I'm like, it's not about who broke up with 829 00:44:50,600 --> 00:44:52,319 Speaker 1: who or who initiated it. But I think a lot 830 00:44:52,320 --> 00:44:54,080 Speaker 1: of people struggle with that, and that's part of the 831 00:44:54,080 --> 00:44:56,319 Speaker 1: closure piece too. It's like wanting to know who did 832 00:44:56,320 --> 00:45:00,080 Speaker 1: it and why and like versus like let's accept that 833 00:45:00,239 --> 00:45:04,160 Speaker 1: this the season. I have one more thought that I 834 00:45:04,200 --> 00:45:06,960 Speaker 1: didn't even think of this perspective, and it just dawned 835 00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:08,880 Speaker 1: on me what this person might be saying that we 836 00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:11,960 Speaker 1: might have missed but when they said to give you 837 00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,239 Speaker 1: in person closure but remains in your life. I have 838 00:45:14,360 --> 00:45:18,440 Speaker 1: had situations where the other person doesn't want to fully 839 00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:21,719 Speaker 1: end the relationship, like maybe they're like, oh, yeah, like 840 00:45:21,719 --> 00:45:23,920 Speaker 1: our relationship won't work, but they want to still text 841 00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:26,360 Speaker 1: you or something like when they feel like it or 842 00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:29,439 Speaker 1: like jump in your phone or you know, be able 843 00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:32,000 Speaker 1: to like reach out if they think about you. And like, 844 00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:35,960 Speaker 1: for me, that doesn't work because when the relationship is over, 845 00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:38,360 Speaker 1: I need to like move on with my life. And 846 00:45:38,440 --> 00:45:40,919 Speaker 1: especially if I would get in another relationship, I don't 847 00:45:40,920 --> 00:45:43,279 Speaker 1: make a pattern of like being friends with excess to 848 00:45:43,360 --> 00:45:45,680 Speaker 1: me that I don't need to do that. But um 849 00:45:45,719 --> 00:45:48,560 Speaker 1: so if that's happening again. It goes back to you though, 850 00:45:48,880 --> 00:45:52,640 Speaker 1: and the boundaries that you set for yourself, Like if 851 00:45:52,640 --> 00:45:55,920 Speaker 1: you don't want to talk to them anymore in your life, 852 00:45:56,239 --> 00:45:58,560 Speaker 1: but they won't give you that, then you have to 853 00:45:58,640 --> 00:46:02,480 Speaker 1: hold stronger boundaries for yourself, Like if you're like I 854 00:46:02,480 --> 00:46:04,560 Speaker 1: don't need to talk or I need space and they 855 00:46:04,600 --> 00:46:06,719 Speaker 1: continue to text you, and that like decide if that's 856 00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:08,640 Speaker 1: working for you or not. Like it's your life. You 857 00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:11,919 Speaker 1: get to say who comes in and who doesn't. Yeah, 858 00:46:11,960 --> 00:46:18,800 Speaker 1: that's what the black button is for a man. Sister. Um, 859 00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:20,839 Speaker 1: all right, well, Leah, thank you so much for being here. 860 00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:23,719 Speaker 1: Tell the people what you have coming up and where 861 00:46:23,719 --> 00:46:26,120 Speaker 1: they can find you. Thanks for having me. Yeah, you 862 00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:28,640 Speaker 1: can find me on Instagram at her True Empowerment. I 863 00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:31,239 Speaker 1: have an e book that's available on Amazon also on 864 00:46:31,280 --> 00:46:33,719 Speaker 1: my website which is all linked, and I actually have 865 00:46:33,800 --> 00:46:36,520 Speaker 1: a book for teens that I co authored that's The 866 00:46:37,440 --> 00:46:40,760 Speaker 1: Girl's Guide to Relationship, Sexuality and Consent, and that's available 867 00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:43,160 Speaker 1: on Amazon for pre order now. Yeah, so it's it's 868 00:46:43,200 --> 00:46:45,560 Speaker 1: definitely probably not this audience, but maybe if you have 869 00:46:45,640 --> 00:46:49,680 Speaker 1: kidding daughters, yeah, family members, And it's really just to 870 00:46:49,719 --> 00:46:52,399 Speaker 1: empower teens to make decisions that are good for them. 871 00:46:52,440 --> 00:46:56,640 Speaker 1: And yeah, I love that. Love teaching that from a 872 00:46:56,680 --> 00:47:00,160 Speaker 1: young age too, that's amazing. Yeah, And it's excited and 873 00:47:00,200 --> 00:47:02,759 Speaker 1: I'm happy that it's a resource, especially in this this 874 00:47:02,880 --> 00:47:05,680 Speaker 1: climate right now, right now and I'm actually going to 875 00:47:05,719 --> 00:47:10,000 Speaker 1: be a guest on Leah's podcast is it podcast or 876 00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:12,279 Speaker 1: Your Friends podcast? That we're gonna be It's I just 877 00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:14,239 Speaker 1: joined on as a Coast and I totally didn't mention that. 878 00:47:14,239 --> 00:47:17,200 Speaker 1: It's just it's so new. So it's um generation dry 879 00:47:17,239 --> 00:47:20,279 Speaker 1: with Kayla Lyons and she was one of the co 880 00:47:20,360 --> 00:47:24,000 Speaker 1: founders of Reframe app and she is all about this 881 00:47:24,080 --> 00:47:27,440 Speaker 1: sober and sober curious community and the mental health based 882 00:47:27,480 --> 00:47:30,719 Speaker 1: podcast to help really just talk about all issues that 883 00:47:30,800 --> 00:47:35,359 Speaker 1: connect to one's mental wellness and addiction and sobriety and 884 00:47:35,400 --> 00:47:38,160 Speaker 1: recovery and like all the gray area that we don't 885 00:47:38,200 --> 00:47:40,919 Speaker 1: typically talk about when it comes to recovery. Yeah, I'm 886 00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:43,040 Speaker 1: super excited about that, So I'll let you guys know 887 00:47:43,080 --> 00:47:45,480 Speaker 1: when that comes out. And again, Lea, thank you for 888 00:47:45,600 --> 00:47:48,120 Speaker 1: joining us again and helping chipping on navigate. Please dating 889 00:47:48,200 --> 00:47:52,920 Speaker 1: questions anytime. All right, thank you guys so much for listening.