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Speaker 1: Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve Camray.

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Speaker 1: It's ready. Are you welcome to Stuff Mom Never told You?

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Speaker 1: From House stup works dot Com. Hello, and welcome to

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Speaker 1: the podcast. I'm Kristen and I'm Caroline. So Caroline, I

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Speaker 1: think that we can both agree on st and the

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Speaker 1: breakup suck. I do believe they do. Yeah, I mean,

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Speaker 1: even if you're the one doing the breaking up or

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Speaker 1: you're the one being broken up with, it's just a

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Speaker 1: pain in the painful is Yeah, it's like the heart.

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Speaker 1: The pain is a pain in the heart and the

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Speaker 1: butt and the but yeah, no, it leaves you feeling

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Speaker 1: kind of worthless sometimes. So sometimes the knee jerk response

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Speaker 1: to a breakup is, well, you can you can just

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Speaker 1: get back together with a person, or you can rebound.

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Speaker 1: Yes you can. Now this is kind of a bad

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Speaker 1: idea according to some people. Although yeah, rebound relationships have

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Speaker 1: I think a pretty negative connotation. You're like you always

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Speaker 1: fear like, oh, you know, you're just rebounding. It sort

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Speaker 1: of implies that you are still an emotional wreck. Nobody

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Speaker 1: wants to be with the rebounder. Yeah, no, because you're

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Speaker 1: just gonna use them up. You can use them until

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Speaker 1: you are whole again and have regained your self confidence

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Speaker 1: and self worth, and then you'll move on to the

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Speaker 1: more substantial person unless you just get stuck there. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: if you just want attention, I mean, you might just

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Speaker 1: stick with whoever you come across right after your breakup, exactly. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Rebounders also tend to be labeled pretty desperate. Yeah, but

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Speaker 1: so many people do it. So are we all just

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Speaker 1: a desperate pack of sad sex? That might be a

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Speaker 1: harsh assessment. I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong

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Speaker 1: with uh, you know, after you've either been broken up

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Speaker 1: with or or dumped somebody that you know, you want

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Speaker 1: to get back to feeling like a normal person. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And it also it sort of broadens your perspective maybe

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Speaker 1: instead of just focusing on that one person you've broken

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Speaker 1: up with. So some pros and some cons um And

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Speaker 1: we actually found a study, a survey published in the

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Speaker 1: College study journal um odd Founding Journal from March two

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Speaker 1: thousand nine that looked into the characteristics of a rebounder.

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Speaker 1: They weren't all positive. They were not all positive. Rebounders

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Speaker 1: were painted as love seeking, desperate, lonely individuals. Yes, who

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Speaker 1: were also cheaters, yes, and promiscuous. So so there you

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Speaker 1: go in a podcast. Don't do it. Don't get involved

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Speaker 1: with a rebounder. Now, First of all, Um, a majority

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Speaker 1: of the people in the survey, this was roughly a

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Speaker 1: thousand undergrads, said that they had knowingly been in a

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Speaker 1: rebounding relationship, had initiated a rebound um. And the top

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Speaker 1: characteristics that these researchers found among the people who were

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Speaker 1: in these rebound relationships were number one, Caroline, Like you said,

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Speaker 1: they just tend to fall in love fast, right. They

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Speaker 1: also tend to get married faster. So once they got

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Speaker 1: their hooks and somebody, they just keep them. Yeah, So

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Speaker 1: not only do they marry quickly, but they are also

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Speaker 1: randomly enough more likely to marry foreigners. I have indeed

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Speaker 1: rebounded with an Englishman myself. Yes he was an actor,

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Speaker 1: an English actor. Yes, I wouldn't have lasted in real life,

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Speaker 1: but luckily I was in England so it didn't count.

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Speaker 1: That sounds like a fantasy rebound. I would like to

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Speaker 1: be made into a movie. And he was very concerned

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Speaker 1: with his hair so well the stage. With the stage,

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Speaker 1: it would not have worked out. Was he a stage actor?

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Speaker 1: Was bish very theatrical. He told me I should wear

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Speaker 1: more dangly earrings. And did you know, good for you?

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Speaker 1: You knew a rebounding saw it and you're not going

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Speaker 1: to invest in new jewelry. Buddy, You're in shape and

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Speaker 1: you have an accent. You're making me feel better about myself.

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Speaker 1: I have no desire to change anything for you or

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Speaker 1: randomly get married. Yes, exactly. And also I thought this

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Speaker 1: was interesting. They found that people who are quote looking

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Speaker 1: for love on the internet are more likely to be rebounders.

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Speaker 1: And that makes total sense if you think about online dating.

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Speaker 1: First of all, so many people are doing it. But

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Speaker 1: I mean, if there were an easier way to rebound

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Speaker 1: these days, I can't think of one other than signing

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Speaker 1: up for say I don't know, okay, keepid and just

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Speaker 1: letting the dates slow your way, or just being you know,

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Speaker 1: a volunteer to be the doorman at a bar and

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Speaker 1: just let the dates come to hear if you just

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Speaker 1: have a little business cards ready with your with your

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Speaker 1: number on them, right. But then this is where it

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Speaker 1: starts to get a little little sketchy. Is the hedonistic

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Speaker 1: patterns cheating Caroline, What's up with these cheaters? And rebounding,

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Speaker 1: it says. The study says that people who cheat in

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Speaker 1: their relationships are more likely to rebound. Does that just

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Speaker 1: mean that they just want so much attention that they

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Speaker 1: they're not going to enough attention from their girlfriend or

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Speaker 1: their boyfriends, so they're cheating on them with somebody else.

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Speaker 1: Knowing that busts, they just go for somebody else right away.

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Speaker 1: And what a double whammy if you somehow end up

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Speaker 1: being with a person who is not only a pathological

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Speaker 1: cheater but a rebounder. Yeah, so that maybe they are

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Speaker 1: cheating on you while also rebounding, so that then you

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Speaker 1: would probably need to rebound big time. That's too many steps,

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Speaker 1: I know, it's a lot. Those are people that you

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Speaker 1: just need to draw big red X over. Yeah, just

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Speaker 1: stay away from them. Um. And the researchers also tried

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Speaker 1: to draw correlation between rebounding and unprotected sex, but that

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Speaker 1: one was a little weak to me. Yeah. This was

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Speaker 1: a study of about a thousand, like you said, about

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Speaker 1: a thousand undergrads, and so I'm thinking that's more a

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Speaker 1: result of maybe young people like eighteen nineteen, you know,

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Speaker 1: your first to college, you're young, you're doing crazy things

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Speaker 1: that might have more to do with it than actually

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Speaker 1: being someone who rebounds frequently, right, And there was one

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Speaker 1: big question that the study did not address, which is

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Speaker 1: the reason behind why these people were rebounding, like how

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Speaker 1: the relationship dissolved, um whether they initiated the breakup or

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Speaker 1: they were the ones who were being broken up with.

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Speaker 1: That can really tell you a lot more about maybe

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Speaker 1: the quality and motivation of a rebound, because as we

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Speaker 1: learned in psychology today, there are some benefits to rebounding,

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Speaker 1: especially if you are anxiously attached. And that leads me

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Speaker 1: to picture somebody in an absolute panic over finding a relationship.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, these people tend to have a void.

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Speaker 1: They feel like they have to fill this void with

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Speaker 1: someone else, and you know that could lead you to

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Speaker 1: had decisions, but it could also help you disconnect from

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Speaker 1: your previous relationships. So if you just are one of

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Speaker 1: those people who after a breakup, you know, you just

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Speaker 1: feel all of this tremendous grief and you just can't

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Speaker 1: get over it. If you rebound with somebody that you

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Speaker 1: know disconnects you from your previous relationship, it could make

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Speaker 1: you feel you know, attractive again, or you know, just

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Speaker 1: having a good time after a bad breakup, right, because

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Speaker 1: anxiously attached people tend to put so much emotional investment

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Speaker 1: into one person that they feel such a great loss.

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Speaker 1: It's all of this is based around the idea of

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Speaker 1: an exchange theory, and it's this psychological sort of framework

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Speaker 1: of relationships that puts it in very sort of economic

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Speaker 1: terms of gains versus losses. So by rebounding, you move

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Speaker 1: as quickly as you can from a loss to a gain.

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Speaker 1: So this could be a good thing for an anxiously

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Speaker 1: attached person to instead of wallowing, you know, a very

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Speaker 1: Bridget Jones is kind of Bridget Jones is Bridget Jones

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Speaker 1: kind of way. Uh. It pulls your head out of

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Speaker 1: the other person's behind behind and and gets you moving forward. Right,

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Speaker 1: But what happens when the reboundy realizes that you're just

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Speaker 1: an anxiously attached crazy individual, and you know what if

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Speaker 1: they then leave you because they don't want to be

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Speaker 1: the reboundy or because since you're on the rebound, what

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Speaker 1: if you start acting maybe a little desperate, maybe treating

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Speaker 1: them like they're your ex you know, sliding them right

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Speaker 1: into that position. Yeah, I have been guilty of that.

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Speaker 1: I'll be honest, I've I've certainly done the rebound that

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Speaker 1: I just wanted to funnel all like unresolved emotion from

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Speaker 1: the last relationship straight into them, and they were not

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Speaker 1: ready for it, and they should not have been ready

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Speaker 1: for the exact same thing happened to me. I sort

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Speaker 1: of put all of my angs onto this poor unsuspecting schmuck,

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Speaker 1: and you know, he thought, oh, nice girl, we're just

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Speaker 1: hanging out casually. But I pretty much started dating him

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Speaker 1: a month after my to your relationship broke up. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: I just sort of started treating him like my boyfriend.

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Speaker 1: And he didn't know where that came from. Did not

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Speaker 1: go out to me as well, because I was like, wait,

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Speaker 1: wait is this I mean, it's cool if we hang

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Speaker 1: out every day, right, because I'm like, I mean I

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Speaker 1: could call you all time and text you throughout the workday, right,

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Speaker 1: I kind of expect you to stay over every night.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, it's a little tricky. You gotta you gotta

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Speaker 1: be careful with that timing. But it is good to

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Speaker 1: know that rebounding isn't all all bad. I Mean, there's

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Speaker 1: there's this um study from University of Toronto saying that

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Speaker 1: that rebounding absolutely can provide confidence in the availability of

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Speaker 1: new sources of connection. You know, yeah, there are other

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Speaker 1: it's the whole they're more efficient to see that. All

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Speaker 1: your girlfriends and guy friends whoever will tell you, you know,

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Speaker 1: to comfort you. But that sounds like total trite cliche honkey,

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Speaker 1: but um, but it's true. It's actually true, and there's

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Speaker 1: facts to scientific data to back that up. But if

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Speaker 1: you are finding yourself, you know, in a rebounding kind

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Speaker 1: of pattern, or if you are fresh out of relationship

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Speaker 1: and you want to move forward, but maybe you're thinking,

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Speaker 1: like I don't know, maybe this isn't maybe this isn't

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Speaker 1: the right time. Um, there are possibly some questions you

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Speaker 1: would want to ask yourself. You found these over um

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Speaker 1: at Huffington Post. This is from a psychotherapist, Mary Darling Montero,

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Speaker 1: And I mean there and there are questions, kind of

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Speaker 1: no brainer questions that you would ask, like, Okay, am

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Speaker 1: I just ping ponging around from person to person? Are

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Speaker 1: you giving yourself any sort of time to actually recover?

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Speaker 1: Are you giving yourself any time to actually deal with

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Speaker 1: what you just went through? Or are you just gonna

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Speaker 1: dump it on the next person who comes along? And

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Speaker 1: I think that there's a definite distinction between, like you said,

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Speaker 1: dealing with um, the past relationship and wallowing right right,

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Speaker 1: and that's going to be different from every person for

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Speaker 1: every person as well. UM, and then also recognizing if

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Speaker 1: you are legitimately rebounding and you just want to have

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Speaker 1: fun with someone, yeah, because you've got to be careful

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Speaker 1: with the other person in that case, Like if you

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Speaker 1: want absolutely nothing serious, because I think we've been there

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Speaker 1: as well, and it can get you know, you don't

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Speaker 1: want to hurt the other person. So also good to

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Speaker 1: be straightforward about it. Well, so do you warn the

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Speaker 1: other person? Do do you just let it come up naturally? Like, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you know my fifteen year relationship just broke up. Watch out, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I am trouble waiting to happen. I have a psychological

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Speaker 1: in that you do you warn them of this? Do

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Speaker 1: you just let that come up naturally? Or you know,

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Speaker 1: in my experience, they you know, they catch on eventually

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Speaker 1: when when the emotional distance becomes more and more apparent,

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Speaker 1: you know, they'll either just be down with it or

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Speaker 1: it'll dissolve. But that's essentially what you want, though, is

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Speaker 1: at some point for it to dissolve, you know, so God,

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Speaker 1: don't date me. Apparently, Well, no, I got into a

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Speaker 1: situation where, um, I was the REBOUNDY went on some

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Speaker 1: dates with this guy who had just gotten out of

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Speaker 1: a very long term relationship, and he was under the

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Speaker 1: impression that he was fine, and I warned him. I said,

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Speaker 1: you know, I've been in your shoes. I know it's

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Speaker 1: hard to get out of a long term relationship. You

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Speaker 1: probably feeling a little maybe lonely. You know, I get it,

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Speaker 1: But you know, are you okay because you're probably not?

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Speaker 1: Oh no, no, no, no, I'm fine. No, I really

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Speaker 1: like you. Let's hang out. Yeah. Uh. Lasted a couple

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Speaker 1: of weeks, and we finally actually called each other the

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Speaker 1: day before Valentine's Day and I said, hey, I think

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Speaker 1: we should talk about something and he said, oh, me too.

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Speaker 1: I said, I think maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore.

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Speaker 1: He said, oh me to. Oh that's good. Yeah. We

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Speaker 1: both realized that he was in no position to be

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Speaker 1: dating someone because he started actually treating me like his ex. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's gonna be awkward. It was definitely awkward, responded, you know,

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Speaker 1: I would totally get bombarded because I'd say something innocent

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Speaker 1: and he would just totally respond negatively because it was

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Speaker 1: something he and his ex had thought about. You know,

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Speaker 1: I think it's interesting, like we we talked about this

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Speaker 1: um actually before we started recording the podcast, but this

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Speaker 1: idea that there might be kind of a gender difference

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Speaker 1: between men rebounding in women rebounding, like time and again,

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Speaker 1: it seems like the story is a guy and a

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Speaker 1: girl breakup and the girl is lonely, and the guys

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Speaker 1: somehow rebounds and ends up marrying the girl or something.

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Speaker 1: Is that that could just be differences and how man

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Speaker 1: and women deal with things. I mean, do you think

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Speaker 1: it's possible that women are more open to actually working

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Speaker 1: through their feelings? Although I definitely have been guilty rebounding immediately,

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Speaker 1: you know, it's it possible that maybe women are more

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Speaker 1: likely to work through their feelings, you know, think about it,

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Speaker 1: get through it, talk about it with their friends, whereas

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Speaker 1: a guy might just be lonely and go straight to

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Speaker 1: dating someone else. I think that could absolutely be the case.

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Speaker 1: And we haven't been able to find any studies, Like

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Speaker 1: there's no data to back this up, but I think

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Speaker 1: that you make a very good point, But we need

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Speaker 1: to hear from from guys out there, because obviously these

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Speaker 1: are two female minds at work. Cookie thing, we're just

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Speaker 1: judging a way exactly her huge. But we've been talking

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Speaker 1: a lot about dating, so I guess the final thing

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Speaker 1: to talk about is the marriage rebound. This might be

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Speaker 1: the most horrified thought to me, is a rebound marriage,

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Speaker 1: because that right there sounds like trouble. Yeah. There was

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Speaker 1: actually a study that said, hey, this isn't so bad

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Speaker 1: if you want to leave one marriage and hop right

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Speaker 1: on over to the other one, don't worry about what

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Speaker 1: your friends say about recovering and taking your time for yourself.

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Speaker 1: It says no, just go ahead. And what he's what

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Speaker 1: the guy was saying was just that there's no evidence

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Speaker 1: of a higher rate of divorce. Yeah, I think that

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Speaker 1: the divorce rate is already probably still high. You can't

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Speaker 1: screw it up, you know, whether you've been there's been

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Speaker 1: time between marriages or not. Um, maybe it's difficult for

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Speaker 1: that person who you're marrying. You might have to deal

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Speaker 1: with any any excess baggage that you have, But you

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Speaker 1: know what, there's always gonna be baggage. Yeah, there's someone

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Speaker 1: for everyone. There's enough desperate people in the world, but

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Speaker 1: hopefully they can find each other. Yes, but I don't

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Speaker 1: see how um, something so legally binding could be a

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Speaker 1: good idea. Yeah, that definitely seems like a lot. But hey,

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Speaker 1: study says not a problem. You know, so don't take

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Speaker 1: our word for it, but you know so, what's our

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Speaker 1: consensus then, on rebounding good bad depends? I think it depends.

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Speaker 1: It depends on the rebounder, the reboundies, the breakup that night.

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Speaker 1: Pretty much, we should maybe stop demonizing rebound relationships because

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Speaker 1: it sounds like rebound relationships are pretty much the same

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Speaker 1: as any relationship and that both parties will bring in

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Speaker 1: different sets of things and the outcome just depends. Yeah. You,

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Speaker 1: if you're the reboundy, you gotta watch out for that

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Speaker 1: crazy watch off that cheater, that crazy hedonistic, sexually promiscuous cheat. Yes.

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Speaker 1: And if you're the rebounder, if you're doing it all

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Speaker 1: the time, if you're not dealing with your baggage and

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Speaker 1: someplace siphon ng out onto other people, Um, your your

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Speaker 1: your mess, you put a stop to it. Yeah. If

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Speaker 1: you're uncomfortable being alone in any time and maybe date twice, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you have issues that you need to work through. Caroline says,

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Speaker 1: you've got issues, Yeah, I get a cat, maybe dog

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Speaker 1: volunteered to shelter. Yes, and some box set DVDs of

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Speaker 1: good TV shows such as Twin Peaks. You'll be too

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Speaker 1: scared to want a date and you know, if it helps,

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Speaker 1: you can yell at happy couples on the street. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's always fun. So if you have any thoughts to

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Speaker 1: lend to our rebounding conversation, we'd love to hear from you,

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Speaker 1: Mom stuff at how stuff works dot com. And we

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Speaker 1: have a couple of emails to read here in Caroline,

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Speaker 1: why don't you kick it off for us? Sure? This

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Speaker 1: is from Erica. This is in a response to the

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Speaker 1: Delivery Room podcast. Okay, She said, there are a lot

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Speaker 1: of questions in things people don't know about in regards

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Speaker 1: to delivery. My friend and I decided to be each

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Speaker 1: other's support person for our deliveries and it has worked

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Speaker 1: out great all four time. Wow. We each had our

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Speaker 1: husbands with us, but we had another buddy there that

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Speaker 1: could be a support and be there for you on

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Speaker 1: a level your husband can't. Her husband truly dislikes hospitals,

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Speaker 1: so he frequently leaves and goes into the waiting room

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Speaker 1: or outside for large parts of the labor, giving him

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Speaker 1: a break so he can be better focused for the

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Speaker 1: actual delivery. It's worked out great. Both my children ended

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Speaker 1: up meeting immediate medical care and my husband was able

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Speaker 1: to go with them, and my friends stayed with me.

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Speaker 1: I think birth is very individual and whatever works is good.

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Speaker 1: And I've got one here from Jane, also in response

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Speaker 1: to our dads in the delivery room episode, and she writes,

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Speaker 1: my friends and I have discussed this subject before. At

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Speaker 1: the beginning of the conversation, a lot of them thought

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Speaker 1: they wouldn't want anyone except the doctors to see them

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Speaker 1: as a sweaty mess. But by the end we really

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Speaker 1: had come up with a good answer. Mary, the guy

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Speaker 1: who you want to be there holding your hand? That

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Speaker 1: seems pretty simple. Simple advice from Jane And if you

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Speaker 1: have any advice to send our way or thoughts. Again,

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Speaker 1: the email address is mom Stuff at how stuff works

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Speaker 1: dot com. We'd also love to see you over on Facebook,

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Speaker 1: give us a like if you don't mind, and follow

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Speaker 1: us on Twitter. So many things we ask our handle

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Speaker 1: over there is at mom Stuff podcast. And then finally

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Speaker 1: we have a blog during the week. It's stuff Mom

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Speaker 1: never told you. At how stuff works dot com, be

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Speaker 1: sure to check out our new video podcast, Stuff from

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Speaker 1: the Future. Join how Stuff Work staff as we explore

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Speaker 1: the most promising and perplexing possibilities of tomorrow. The house

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Speaker 1: stuff Works iPhone app has a ride. Delmode It today

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