Speaker 1: Okay, So I was just talking to someone about I'm
Speaker 1: not going to overstate this. I'm just going to say
Speaker 1: it as a as a framework about making an analogy
Speaker 1: to business with relationships only as it pertains to both
Speaker 1: parties bringing something to the table. So, for example, I
Speaker 1: have a relief work partner. We were just talking about
Speaker 1: the fires, and his name is Michael Caponi, and it's
Speaker 1: my longest marriage, he and I. It's been seven years
Speaker 1: and under the most stressful times in the war, like
Speaker 1: more stressful than I've ever had in any relationship, like
Speaker 1: we almost got scammed on thirteen million dollars worth of
Speaker 1: hazmat suits or in the Ppe crisis. He was like, Beth,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to fucking jump off a balcony. Are
Speaker 1: you killing me? Like you know, I'm on his ass.
Speaker 1: I was on his ass last week about something like
Speaker 1: It's but he I've never met someone who can keep
Speaker 1: up with me and who has exactly is exactly as
Speaker 1: valuable and proficient, but in completely different ways. And there's
Speaker 1: never a question about who's doing more work or who's
Speaker 1: bringing more to the table. It's sort of like all
Speaker 1: in good faith and we both like are It's a
Speaker 1: really equal partnership, even though it has like we literally
Speaker 1: do completely different things at different times. So the reason
Speaker 1: I bring that up is because in relationships, I don't
Speaker 1: think it should be like a tit for tat where
Speaker 1: it's like you have to do this and I have
Speaker 1: to do that. But I think that there should be
Speaker 1: sort of it's not it's not it's like sort of
Speaker 1: the if it's important to you, it's important to me.
Speaker 1: It's the unconditional thing. It's it's the not not the
Speaker 1: things that they did or that you did, but both
Speaker 1: of you sort of want to put chips in the
Speaker 1: middle of the table just because you want to. The
Speaker 1: best relationship that I've ever been in is one where
Speaker 1: I want to give, like the way I am with gifts,
Speaker 1: Like we want to give more than you want to receive,
Speaker 1: and then hopefully the other person wants to give more
Speaker 1: than receive and then you know, all boats rise at
Speaker 1: the tide. So I kind of wanted to talk about
Speaker 1: that because I've been in situations where I'm the giving
Speaker 1: tree and then I bend and then I break, and
Speaker 1: once you've broken, you can't mend it. And like people take, take,
Speaker 1: take and push push, push, and just accept that they
Speaker 1: are the taker in the relationship. But I think it's
Speaker 1: sort of the mistake my kindness for weakness thing. So
Speaker 1: I wanted to talk about that whole like meat.
Speaker 2: It's interesting as you're talking, I'm sitting here taking notes
Speaker 2: because there's a lot to chew on here. I think
Speaker 2: you're correct in that the central metaphor of my coaching
Speaker 2: is that you're the CEO of your love life, and
Speaker 2: men are the interns applying for a job, and you
Speaker 2: have to see if he's worthy of this job. And
Speaker 2: there's one job at the company. It's a really important job,
Speaker 2: and so it's a lot based on not just how
Speaker 2: his resume looks, for how he interviews at the beginning,
Speaker 2: but the consistent effort he continues to put in over
Speaker 2: time once he has the job.
Speaker 1: Wow, I keep forgetting that that's your main thing, and
Speaker 1: that's the most important thing. If I only operated like
Speaker 1: that every day, that's a great premise.
Speaker 2: But sincerely, if I were talking to men, I'd say,
Speaker 2: you're the CEO, and we need to pay attention to
Speaker 2: how she makes you feel, to how she treats you.
Speaker 2: That's the two way street. So whoever I'm talking to.
Speaker 2: I'm giving them the sense of power that you don't
Speaker 2: have to put up with this bullshit.
Speaker 1: But that's with the tide, that's what you're saying. That's
Speaker 1: all bangers. That's having an all star team in your
Speaker 1: office versus one person dragging everybody down. That's the same thing, right.
Speaker 2: And so you you mentioned both people wanting to be givers.
Speaker 2: No one could have a successful relationship if there's one
Speaker 2: giver and one taker. Now what makes that more complicated
Speaker 2: is that we're all experts on what we give and
Speaker 2: what we sacrifice.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 3: We always pay.
Speaker 2: Attention to what we do. We don't always know what
Speaker 2: other people are doing. So your premise itself is a
Speaker 2: good one. It's the right one. If you find that
Speaker 2: you're always given a relationship, well, I guess from here
Speaker 2: on end.
Speaker 3: You got a data giver. But there's also lots of
Speaker 3: forms of giving. Right.
Speaker 2: I'm married to a woman who hasn't worked since we
Speaker 2: had kids. Her giving is gonna look different than my giving, right, Right,
Speaker 2: And I'm going to value that because that's what she
Speaker 2: has to give. She's an active service person, right, So
Speaker 2: we have to look at this through different lenses. Last
Speaker 2: thing that based on your notes. That I wanted to
Speaker 2: bring up, which I think is also important, and it's
Speaker 2: not to poke fun at you, is that I want
Speaker 2: a guy who keeps up with me, which is true.
Speaker 3: No one's going to argue.
Speaker 2: That you shouldn't have to use smaller words for a
Speaker 2: guy to keep up, right, Like that's true. But what
Speaker 2: a lot of people forget is that in addition to
Speaker 2: keeping up with someone, there's putting up with someone right,
Speaker 2: and humility. That last piece is kind of everything for
Speaker 2: a relationship. There's just knowing, Hey, I'm a lot, and yeah,
Speaker 2: I want a man who could keep up with me,
Speaker 2: but also I want of men who could put up
Speaker 2: with me and all the stuff that comes with it
Speaker 2: and having that humility.
Speaker 3: And it's not just you. I could say the same
Speaker 3: thing about myself.
Speaker 1: But I would reframe that and say who celebrates you?
Speaker 1: Because putting up with is a little net Like, for example,
Speaker 1: I was out to dinner with the Gate couple the
Speaker 1: other night. They've been together for I don't know, it
Speaker 1: might have been fifteen twenty years, and they're great and
Speaker 1: one of them is like a finance guy, and one
Speaker 1: of them is more of a creative like media guy,
Speaker 1: and he's more funny and wacky, and he's the peacock.
Speaker 1: And the finance guy really celebrates you know. The other
Speaker 1: guy like isn't like rolling his eyes, it's not too
Speaker 1: much like he likes when he gets lit and crazy.
Speaker 1: And they were saying, you need that, like you need that,
Speaker 1: you're the you, and the other person totally gets a
Speaker 1: kick out of it, loves when you get lit, et cetera.
Speaker 1: Not the light dimming, but also not like yeah, not
Speaker 1: the light dimming, and not someone who doesn't want to
Speaker 1: be part of the circus. Someone who appreciates the circus,
Speaker 1: loves the circus. Like to me, that's that's what we're saying.
Speaker 1: It's not just putting up with it's celebrating it.
Speaker 3: Right, But it's both.
Speaker 2: And obviously that person's going to be attracted to all
Speaker 2: the things that make you you, right, so we need
Speaker 2: we need both. And thinking, of course, if a woman
Speaker 2: likes a man who's got charisma, my wife, my wife,
Speaker 2: you know, had a whole series of charismatic boyfriends who
Speaker 2: cheated on her, right, that's her thing.
Speaker 3: Her dad was charismatic.
Speaker 2: So if someone likes charisma, that is going to be
Speaker 2: a thing that she's drawn to like a moth to
Speaker 2: a flame. There's also what comes with that, exactly right,
Speaker 2: which someone does indeed have to put up with. Oh,
Speaker 2: every time my husband goes to a party's going to
Speaker 2: be surrounded by women.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, No, it's the rose that has pedal and thorns.
Speaker 1: That's what I think.
Speaker 2: Yeah, right, So that's what I'm saying is recognizing that
Speaker 2: all good qualities come with bad qualities. And yes, we
Speaker 2: could celebrate what makes Bethany Bethany. And there's a there's
Speaker 2: a downside to the circus, and he is the guy
Speaker 2: who's willing to put up with that, and that's no
Speaker 2: small thing.
Speaker 1: Right, Let's also talk about this. So there's two things. One,
Speaker 1: there's a guy, Nick Viiel. He has a podcast. I've
Speaker 1: never listened to it, and I know I think he
Speaker 1: was on reality TV or The Bachelor or something, but
Speaker 1: I saw a clip from his show where he was
Speaker 1: talking about hookup culture, which is not what I'm really
Speaker 1: talking about, but he was basically saying, no man will
Speaker 1: ever like fall in love with you for the sex
Speaker 1: they fall in love with, like the mystique and what
Speaker 1: they can't have. He was saying, like, you know a
Speaker 1: lot of women will try to keep giving, whether it's
Speaker 1: of sex or of emotion or of a material to
Speaker 1: try to like you're chasing the dragon, trying to get it.
Speaker 1: And there's another woman on social media that has a
Speaker 1: black Cat Golden Retriever theory. She's like, don't be giving
Speaker 1: him a bunch of gifts, don't be going out of
Speaker 1: your way. She's like, she believes in the black Cat
Speaker 1: Golden Retriever. That like, you want to be the black
Speaker 1: cat and the guy the Golden Retriever like that, And
Speaker 1: so I want to know what you think about these
Speaker 1: sort of like unintentional gamifications of it, like the guys
Speaker 1: want what they can't have type of thing.
Speaker 2: I'm taking copious notes because it's interesting to hear what
Speaker 2: other people have to say and the metaphors people use
Speaker 2: to get these complex ideas across. And so Nick Viles
Speaker 2: thing that men are not just driven by hookup culture.
Speaker 2: Being the most beautiful woman on the planet is not
Speaker 2: going to land you a husband. That, in my estimation,
Speaker 2: is one my wife used created a term that I
Speaker 2: still use in coaching to this day. Men look for
Speaker 2: sex and find love.
Speaker 1: Well, wait, there used to be a movie called Sex
Speaker 1: lives and videotape. It was years ago. It was an
Speaker 1: amazing movie and eighty nine right, and it was men.
Speaker 1: I forgot this. This is amazing. Men learn to love
Speaker 1: the women they're attracted too, and women learn to be
Speaker 1: attracted to the men that they love.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and again it's more complicated than that, but that's
Speaker 2: basically the right idea. So that's why when people reach
Speaker 2: out for coaching, I don't spend any time. There's enough
Speaker 2: out there on giving you beauty advice on your skin
Speaker 2: and your hair and your lips and all that kind
Speaker 2: of stuff. You don't need a mail dating coach to
Speaker 2: tell you to do.
Speaker 1: That.
Speaker 2: Presentation is what's going to draw him in. But every
Speaker 2: man has had the experience of breaking up with someone
Speaker 2: who's beautiful because the relationship didn't work for him. Why
Speaker 2: doesn't the relationship work for him generally because he doesn't
Speaker 2: feel accepted, appreciated, or admired. Right, you could be the
Speaker 2: most beautiful woman in the world, You could be a
Speaker 2: top chef, supermodel, Rhodes scholar. But if he doesn't feel
Speaker 2: accepted as he is, appreciated for what he does or
Speaker 2: admired for what gifts he does, bring to the table.
Speaker 2: He's probably not going to feel emotionally satisfied in the relationship, right, But.
Speaker 1: What if he shouldn't be appreciated because he's not meeting you, or.
Speaker 3: You shouldn't, then you shouldn't date it exactly.
Speaker 1: Okay, so let's talk about that. So let's talk about
Speaker 1: you with someone and they don't appreciate you or they're
Speaker 1: not meeting I think it's really you know, and again
Speaker 1: bring up someone else. I don't think it was her
Speaker 1: original concept. With Kristin Cavalari, another podcaster, I heard a
Speaker 1: clip she said, match their energy. And the truth is,
Speaker 1: for me, it's more than just that, because that's like
Speaker 1: a little quip. For me, it's meeting you where you're at,
Speaker 1: meeting you halfway, which is why I bring it back
Speaker 1: to business, like you know, when someone's meeting you halfway,
Speaker 1: even if it's not perfect, even if it's my partner Michael,
Speaker 1: that we kill each other. I know that even if
Speaker 1: I'm doing it wrong or he's doing it wrong, that
Speaker 1: he's meeting with me where I'm at, He's making the effort.
Speaker 1: He's like trying to be a partner. And that's what
Speaker 1: I think it's about. Not being perfect and not getting
Speaker 1: it right the intention.
Speaker 2: He's bought into the larger concept and that works in business.
Speaker 2: That also works in marriage, right, like if you're keeping score,
Speaker 2: you're already losing.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: And my second book, we talk about something called the
Speaker 2: platinum rule. The golden rule is due onto others. The
Speaker 2: platinum rule is do more right. Just just constantly give, give, give,
Speaker 2: And if you find that you're giving and you're on
Speaker 2: the losing end and you feel depleted because your efforts
Speaker 2: are not being appreciated or reciprocated, well then you're in
Speaker 2: a losing relationship that's straining your energy and you should
Speaker 2: find a better partner, a better job than that.
Speaker 1: Okay, So say that's your job, that's your partner. So
Speaker 1: now you decide that you care about the person, but
Speaker 1: this is not going to work for you, okay. Because
Speaker 1: I always think about the friend zone. The friend zone
Speaker 1: is often a place that people go in they're dating,
Speaker 1: But what about when people break up? So what I
Speaker 1: mean is often there's a guy that likes a girl
Speaker 1: and he's put into the friend zone. It's very difficult
Speaker 1: to get out of there unless a woman is at
Speaker 1: a low point for some post New Year's eve disaster
Speaker 1: that happened, and then she goes to the consolation prize
Speaker 1: safety school and that never works. That's the friend zone.
Speaker 1: What about the friend zone post relationship? What about you
Speaker 1: break up with someone you're not getting what you need,
Speaker 1: but they want to have you in their lives and
Speaker 1: put you in the friend zone. My opinion for those
Speaker 1: people is it's kind of the cow in the milk.
Speaker 1: I don't think you get any You don't get the
Speaker 1: access pass for like just the cherry pick of what
Speaker 1: you want, but now the rose and the pedals. You
Speaker 1: got to do the work and get the bad and
Speaker 1: the good. You're gonna have to tolerate the bad to
Speaker 1: get to get the good. You don't get the friend
Speaker 1: stuff alone. Do you agree with that?
Speaker 3: Mac?
Speaker 2: And I think you I've said since I've mentioned I
Speaker 2: think you've got really really great instincts for this based
Speaker 2: on your experience, and I just have, you know, language
Speaker 2: that I've developed over the years to talk about that.
Speaker 2: What you're talking about I called the emotional booty car.
Speaker 2: Yeah right, I get all the benefits of having a partner,
Speaker 2: just without the sexual betait I could be there for me.
Speaker 2: Yeah right Again, I mean we've been there right where
Speaker 2: someone breaks up with me in my early thirties and
Speaker 2: I write her online dating profile. I want to show
Speaker 2: her what a great guy I am. And I'm just
Speaker 2: sitting there like a bitch, you know, like hoping she
Speaker 2: realizes she made the biggest mistake of her life and
Speaker 2: she's getting all the benefits of the boyfriend, right. And
Speaker 2: that's what people do when they're feeling weak and needy.
Speaker 2: And the truth is, if you're the CEO and you're
Speaker 2: firing the in turn, the intern doesn't get to keep
Speaker 2: on coming back to work.
Speaker 1: Look at you. Yes, you need to have on my
Speaker 1: new website that's coming out like a little section with
Speaker 1: just these like little digestible bites. Yes, exactly. You fire
Speaker 1: the intern. They don't get to come back to work,
Speaker 1: even if if you fire your fucking number two or
Speaker 1: your partner.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it doesn't mean you don't care about them
Speaker 2: or wish them well, but they don't get to keep
Speaker 2: on showing up at the office or expecting a half
Speaker 2: of a paycheck. And that's what people do in relationships
Speaker 2: because it's hard to cut the people.
Speaker 1: They reach out to you. You can give them a referral.
Speaker 1: You could talk to them, but you're not the day
Speaker 1: to day person. You don't you don't blow them out
Speaker 1: where they died, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: It's a huge loss, right it is. It's a loss.
Speaker 2: It's a morning for people to process when you think
Speaker 2: this is your person and then suddenly that person you
Speaker 2: leaned on is no longer there. Both people are going
Speaker 2: to miss that. But you need to have the courage
Speaker 2: to say, I can't move on if I'm spending half
Speaker 2: my time with my ex.
Speaker 1: Right and I can't find a new person to fill
Speaker 1: this position, if I'm still letting this person come in
Speaker 1: and file two days a week exactly. Okay, So that's excellent.
Speaker 1: I love your analogy. I think it works really well,
Speaker 1: and I have to reinforce it because I forgot about it.
Speaker 1: And it's very good for people. So that's excellent.
Speaker 3: I don't want you to forget about your black cat.
Speaker 1: Oh right, that's the woman who said black cat golden retriever.
Speaker 1: She's a woman on TikTok and she's very probably on
Speaker 1: Instagram too, and it does work. She'll show you people
Speaker 1: and she'll say ebbs and flows and relationships too. At
Speaker 1: one point, you're the black cat at one point, you're
Speaker 1: the golden Retriever, etc.
Speaker 2: I what I don't like about that is that it's
Speaker 2: playing power dynamics. Yes, and it's a little bit nineteen
Speaker 2: nineties rules base. I'm trying to manipulate him into So
Speaker 2: go back, let's go back to work. You don't have
Speaker 2: to put a gun to the interns head and say
Speaker 2: show up for work. They show up early, stay late.
Speaker 2: Why they're self motivated. They want the job. A guy
Speaker 2: should be a golden retriever, but not because he's weak,
Speaker 2: but because he desires the opportunity to be in your
Speaker 2: company and claim you as a partner and as the CEO.
Speaker 2: Your job is not to be the black cat. Your
Speaker 2: job is to be like Google, how do I make
Speaker 2: an environment? Hey, we're gonna have We're gonna give.
Speaker 3: You free food. We're gonna give you massages and therapy.
Speaker 1: We're gonna that's the King and Queen thing. You're making
Speaker 1: them your king.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, How do we make if you are the woman CEO,
Speaker 2: how do we make the intern incentivized to say this
Speaker 2: is the best goddamn job I've ever had. The black
Speaker 2: cat is not trying to do that. She's trying to
Speaker 2: do this sort of dopamine hit give tape, walk away, and.
Speaker 1: It's very It's a good point because you know, actually
Speaker 1: this is an excellent point because having been in dynamics
Speaker 1: like this, you get a high and then you get
Speaker 1: a low. You get it's like a binge eating and
Speaker 1: then beating yourself up about it. It's not a good feeling.
Speaker 1: You get the reaction you want for the wrong rea,
Speaker 1: like you ignore, you match the energy you do. Whatever
Speaker 1: the gamification is. The person responds for the wrong reasons
Speaker 1: because they're game. They don't even know they're playing a game,
Speaker 1: but you're withdrawing. So they're telling you how great you are,
Speaker 1: how beautiful you are, and they leaning in. But then
Speaker 1: five seconds later the rubber bank goes right back and
Speaker 1: they're who they were. And it's a very not satisfying
Speaker 1: junk food binge purge model. So I agree.
Speaker 2: So games which work in finger quotes, games work, but
Speaker 2: they beget more games than that insanability. Yes, they're not pleasant, No,
Speaker 2: they're not pleasant. If a guy got you like he's
Speaker 2: your boyfriend, then make him feel like a million bucks.
Speaker 1: No, But if you do make them feel like a
Speaker 1: million bucks, and then he pulls back and withdraws because
Speaker 1: of that dynamic. Some people it's the attachment disorder or
Speaker 1: the avoidant disorder, and some people are needy and attach,
Speaker 1: and then the minute that somebody who has avoidant feels
Speaker 1: the attachment from the attached person, they then withdraw And
Speaker 1: it feels like games, but it's psychological.
Speaker 2: You're correct, ethony, But that brings me back to don't
Speaker 2: date someone who's avoidant, period. Great, like if that's if
Speaker 2: you being authentic and showing up and giving, Like, hey man,
Speaker 2: you were gone on.
Speaker 3: A business trip for a week. I sent a car
Speaker 3: to the airport.
Speaker 2: I made your favorite dinner when we got home, right,
Speaker 2: I put on my cutest thing when we go back
Speaker 2: to the bedroom.
Speaker 3: And he's like, whoa, babe, this is a little much
Speaker 3: for me.
Speaker 2: Well, that you don't want that guy, That that's a
Speaker 2: signal to run when you are emotionally available giving, and
Speaker 2: that sense him running in the opposite direction. So fifty
Speaker 2: percent of the population of men are secure can form
Speaker 2: intimate attachments, and so it feels differently. It feels a
Speaker 2: lot safer. There's a lot less games, there's a lot
Speaker 2: less rollercoaster. You might even say sometimes it's boring, why
Speaker 2: because he does exactly what he says he's going to do.
Speaker 1: That's not meeting you where you're at. That's the same
Speaker 1: thing I'm saying. That's not meeting you where you're at.
Speaker 1: And I say, you're married to that person. And like,
Speaker 1: I've heard many different examples from people's parents, to their
Speaker 1: own relationships to even kids that are disconnected, Like they
Speaker 1: don't really experience or explore emotions. They're sort of avoidant.
Speaker 1: And I know someone who's in a very serious relationship
Speaker 1: with someone that basically it took a while for them
Speaker 1: to realize, you know, we never really get deep, we
Speaker 1: don't really connect. I know someone who's married to someone
Speaker 1: for twenty years that they don't feel that they've ever
Speaker 1: really had deep conversations with. They've had loving experiences and
Speaker 1: fun and kids and all this stuff, but they really
Speaker 1: don't have deep connections. And you have to get deep
Speaker 1: on your own and be deep to realize that avoidance.
Speaker 1: And it's sort of like not having a satisfying meal
Speaker 1: over the course of your lifetime. So let's say you're
Speaker 1: in a relationship with someone who is avoidant and there
Speaker 1: is a gamification in your relationship. You're married to them.
Speaker 1: Can someone change if the if they have the threat
Speaker 1: of losing you or the fear of losing you, can
Speaker 1: a person who's like that actually change.
Speaker 2: I don't want to be the person to declare how
Speaker 2: the world works entirely. I have my theories. I don't think.
Speaker 2: I don't think you could have a relationship dependent upon
Speaker 2: someone changing for you. I would never bank on it,
Speaker 2: of course already, right, That's what I'm saying. So people
Speaker 2: changed by their own volition. You're look in the mirror
Speaker 2: of New Year's Eve, I'm twenty five pounds overweight. Okay,
Speaker 2: this is the year that I'm gonna that comes from within.
Speaker 2: But Bob, We've been married for twenty five years. I
Speaker 2: don't think I've ever had an intimate conversation with you.
Speaker 3: Go I don't know. But what about Bob.
Speaker 1: I'm leaving and then you leave for six weeks. Is
Speaker 1: Bob gonna go change because or Bob can't change?
Speaker 2: I think Bob is being by I don't think. I
Speaker 2: don't think he knows what to do. I don't think
Speaker 2: it's who he is. So much of this has formed
Speaker 2: at a really young age. I'm going to share a
Speaker 2: story of a client of mind shoes in her early seventies,
Speaker 2: and she went through my coaching program and she exited
Speaker 2: with a boyfriend. And this boyfriend was seventies wealthy. He's
Speaker 2: got a place in Paris, he's got a yacht. He
Speaker 2: dote about her. He was really, really nice to We
Speaker 2: got nothing bad to say about this man. She didn't
Speaker 2: feel connected to him for this reason. He was just
Speaker 2: a guy who did well in life. He was a
Speaker 2: nice person. He was a devoted boyfriend. But she didn't
Speaker 2: actually have a connection.
Speaker 1: She wouldn't go deep.
Speaker 3: They just did stuff together.
Speaker 1: They did like diction transactional.
Speaker 2: But not even like the rich man beautiful woman transactional.
Speaker 2: It was it was like, come and join my beautiful
Speaker 2: life and we will have we will have everything. And
Speaker 2: the thing she wanted was the emotional connection, and this.
Speaker 1: Dude didn't have the bandwidth.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he just wasn't that guy. And she waited like
Speaker 2: eight months for him to be that guy. But the
Speaker 2: truth is she knew this in the first six weeks
Speaker 2: of dating him. But the package was so was so
Speaker 2: tempting that she's like, all right, let's just see if
Speaker 2: this develops.
Speaker 1: Of course, and there are people that both parties are
Speaker 1: very disconnected and from a very stoic background, and the
Speaker 1: both of them stay married for thirty years because it's
Speaker 1: just like, no one needs to move the needle that's
Speaker 1: not of your deep person. You can't be with a
Speaker 1: shallow person right after