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Speaker 1: Hello, Chip, Hello Kelly. Do you miss me? I do.

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Speaker 1: I'm still in the Bahamas. You were here with me lastly,

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Speaker 1: and here I am. I mean rough life for me,

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Speaker 1: I will, but I will tell you, like I look,

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Speaker 1: I would love to be in the Bahamas every day

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Speaker 1: of my life, and was like every day I was there,

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Speaker 1: you know, a question like what am I doing with

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Speaker 1: my life? You know, like, but I'd be happy selling coconuts,

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Speaker 1: like living in a shock my you know. But it's

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Speaker 1: also when that isn't your life, it can be stressful

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Speaker 1: because you know that there's so much ship that you

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Speaker 1: need to be doing back in your real life. So um,

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Speaker 1: there is. It was when I was on the plane

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Speaker 1: on the way home, like I thought I was gonna

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Speaker 1: have a panic attack because I knew how much I

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Speaker 1: was coming back to, but then being able to actually

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Speaker 1: address it and do some of the things with such

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Speaker 1: a relief because you don't want to, like I worked

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Speaker 1: a little a bit while we were there, but you

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Speaker 1: don't want to be the person that's like working the

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Speaker 1: whole time you're on vacation. So because it's a buzz kill.

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Speaker 1: So right, Well, it's been a little different since you

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Speaker 1: guys left we had a group of friends down here

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Speaker 1: last week and then uh, one of our friends, Mary,

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Speaker 1: who we talked about a lot of this podcast. Um,

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Speaker 1: she is still here and was staying and was like,

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Speaker 1: you should stay. And I looked at my calendar and

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Speaker 1: I was like, huh, everything could be done over zoom,

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Speaker 1: which is the blessing of COVID, I suppose. But so

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Speaker 1: she and I have been working here. Um, it's been

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Speaker 1: a little different than like with the friend vibe that

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Speaker 1: was happening, you know, like we were all doing all

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Speaker 1: these activities and it was more of like a fun

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Speaker 1: go explore the island vibe. Well, then yesterday she and I,

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Speaker 1: first of all, it's been raining since you guys left.

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Speaker 1: Then we went to lunch and both got food poisoning.

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Speaker 1: Oh gosh. So she her case, unfortunately, is worse than mine.

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Speaker 1: So I felt really sorry for her. She was in

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Speaker 1: bed literally all night last night. UM, and I sort

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Speaker 1: of was too. I haven't been quite a sick, and

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Speaker 1: I've bounced back a little quicker. But the struggle bus

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Speaker 1: in the Bahamas, Israel. I mean, luckily the rain has stopped.

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Speaker 1: The stomach issue stop seeing as well. Um, and the

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Speaker 1: sun comes out and we get back to Bahamian life,

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Speaker 1: but island tings man. But anyway, we are here for

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Speaker 1: the New Beginnings month, which we've talked about last week

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Speaker 1: on the podcast every month now on the Velvet. Such

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Speaker 1: a podcast is going to have kind of a theme,

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Speaker 1: and like a lot of them have to do with

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Speaker 1: the time of the year, which I think a lot

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Speaker 1: of people in January are setting um intentions, they've set

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Speaker 1: their resolutions, whatever it is, you're starting fresh. It's a

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Speaker 1: new beginning and no matter where you are in your life,

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Speaker 1: I think this time you're always feels that way. So

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Speaker 1: you and I wanted to address topics under that umbrella

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Speaker 1: of a theme, and sex and dating is one of

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Speaker 1: the things we talked about a lot on the edge

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Speaker 1: because everyone universal topic. There is not one person in

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Speaker 1: the universe that does not bump up against sex and dating, questions, issues,

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Speaker 1: things that work out, anything like that. So you're either

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Speaker 1: doing it or wishing you were doing that's right, and

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Speaker 1: if you're not doing it, there's a reason you're not.

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Speaker 1: And so I think that everyone has some stuff they

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Speaker 1: wouldn't either like to talk about or questions they want

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Speaker 1: to ask. Like we always say, we are not experts,

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Speaker 1: but we are here to be your friends and your

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Speaker 1: and your cohorts and going through all of these struggles.

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Speaker 1: And it's what we like to do with our friends,

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Speaker 1: to sit around and talk about the things that come

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Speaker 1: up and um, so we're going to do that with

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Speaker 1: you guys. So this week we're talking sex and dating,

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Speaker 1: like I just said, and under the guys of new beginnings. Um,

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Speaker 1: sex and dating is really interesting to think about. So

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Speaker 1: I went on my Instagram yesterday and I asked two questions.

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Speaker 1: One was what fears do new beginnings and sex and

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Speaker 1: dating bring up for you? And the other one is

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Speaker 1: what do you guys want to know about from us

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Speaker 1: about new beginnings and sex and dating? Like, are there

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Speaker 1: any questions that you have that maybe we can start

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Speaker 1: discussing and as a community we can bring some insight too.

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Speaker 1: So we're going to start with the first question. I

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Speaker 1: got so much more feedback than I was expecting. I'm

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Speaker 1: like laying in bed feeling like ship Like damn, everybody

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Speaker 1: has a lot to say about this. Well. I mean,

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Speaker 1: what I loved about some of the responses was, you know,

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Speaker 1: it made they made me feel like not alone and

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Speaker 1: sort of my journey. Um, and there's certainly universal themes

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Speaker 1: that you know, which is exactly what you and I

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Speaker 1: discuss as the reason we want to have these conversations, right,

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Speaker 1: That's why I do velvets edge in the first place,

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Speaker 1: is I want to normalize things that I'm feeling so

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Speaker 1: I don't feel so alone and the things that get

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Speaker 1: brought to me, whether it's via Instagram or you know,

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Speaker 1: an email, I just I'm like, why are we all

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Speaker 1: not talking about this ship? Why do we feel so

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Speaker 1: isolated about stuff that actually a lot more people than

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Speaker 1: you think are feeling And it just that sense of

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Speaker 1: community and connection is huge, I know for me, and

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Speaker 1: I think for a lot of people, and not feeling

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Speaker 1: alone in is life. Yeah. I mean, at the end

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Speaker 1: of the day, we got we're all we we are

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Speaker 1: all human and um our spectrum of emotions like are

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Speaker 1: all the same, you know, like some of us might

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Speaker 1: lean one way more than the other, but like we're

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Speaker 1: all experiencing the same feeling. So I think it's really

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Speaker 1: healthy to sort of talk about admit them, um and

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Speaker 1: try to find a way around them or through them

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Speaker 1: or whatever it is that we need to do or

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Speaker 1: to embrace them, because you know, sadness and fear and

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Speaker 1: all of these things, like you can't live your life

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Speaker 1: um not feeling them, because there's an equal and opposite

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Speaker 1: reaction to all of those things too. So it's you know,

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Speaker 1: you can't understand why you're happy if you can't understand

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Speaker 1: why you're sad. I think I think so, And I

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Speaker 1: think that the greatest happiness I've felt are the greatest

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Speaker 1: joys I've had have typically been after going through a

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Speaker 1: season of sadness and pain, because maybe you're just more

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Speaker 1: tuned to what the bad feels like, and so then

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Speaker 1: even the small victories just feels that much greater. Yeah said,

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Speaker 1: there's a different appreciation, right exactly. Let's get into it.

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Speaker 1: And I can't wait to get the feedback again from

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Speaker 1: you guys on this, because I think a lot of

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Speaker 1: y'all are going to relate to what was brought to

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Speaker 1: us this week on Instagram via Instagram. Oh my god,

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Speaker 1: we have to tell the people about Mark Zuckerberg. Yes,

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Speaker 1: speaking of Instagram. Speaking of Instagram, I'm sorry about this

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Speaker 1: side note, but we were literally riding around in a

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Speaker 1: little dinghy boat. I mean it was a pretty nice boat,

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Speaker 1: but it was a different We were on the nice

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Speaker 1: boat this day. I forgot. Yeah, we were on a

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Speaker 1: nice boat that day. Yeah, that's right. When we were

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Speaker 1: we were, um, we were very lucky to be on

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Speaker 1: this boat that a friend of ours has down here

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Speaker 1: and we're cruising. We're just like enjoying the views and

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Speaker 1: we see this gigantic I thought it was a cruise ship.

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Speaker 1: I mean it's literally the size of the county I

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Speaker 1: grew up. Yeah, it was huge, with a helicopter on

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Speaker 1: the back, with more boats on it than I've ever seen.

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Speaker 1: In one point, it probably had ten of its own

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Speaker 1: boats that it was carrying. Yes, it was insane. So

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Speaker 1: we are friends started googling the name of the boat.

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Speaker 1: Were like, we were like, you know, they thought we

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Speaker 1: were paparazzi. Like it was called Ulysses, and you can Ulysses. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and you can look up boats information about big boats

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Speaker 1: like that. By um, you put motor m m y Ulysses,

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Speaker 1: motor yacht Ulysses. So we turned into private detectives and

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Speaker 1: figured out, well we we found out first that it

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Speaker 1: was some billionaire that bought it years ago, right, a

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Speaker 1: billionaire from New Zealand. It was a billionaire businessman from

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Speaker 1: New Zealand who had it built And I think it

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Speaker 1: was two d and fifty million dollars. It holds sixty

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Speaker 1: six guests. And then the staff yeah, and then the

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Speaker 1: staff is people. Yeah, it looks like there was a

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Speaker 1: pool out there. I mean it was wild. It really

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Speaker 1: did look like it was eight seven or eight stories tall.

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Speaker 1: It was crazy. We figured out it's this billionaire from

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Speaker 1: New Zealand, and we're like, oh, that makes sense, blah

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Speaker 1: blah blah. I kind of research him. Well, then someone says,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, and Mark Zuckerberg brought bought it from him. However,

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Speaker 1: it's like September. Yeah, he bought it on September last year.

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Speaker 1: And so anyway, we saw a helicopter takeoff and then

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Speaker 1: we saw some people getting on jet skis and we

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Speaker 1: were like, oh my god, it's Zuck there is and

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Speaker 1: um so I slid into zucks d slid into his

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Speaker 1: d M. I wrote, Yo, yo, Zuck, what would it

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Speaker 1: take for us to hang out on Ulysses while we're

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Speaker 1: at Harbor Island. She's a beaute and of course it's

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Speaker 1: still on red. Yeah. I love that you thought that

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Speaker 1: he would ever respond to anyone called him Zuck yo Zuck.

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Speaker 1: That's his Instagram handle at zuck, which we're not like

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Speaker 1: a friend, I know, but whatever, she's abute. I mean

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Speaker 1: if he had responded, I would lose respect for him.

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Speaker 1: He could could have at least read it. You don't

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Speaker 1: think you think he's running that ship? I mean, I

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Speaker 1: mean his Instagram is fucking terrible, So yes, I think

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Speaker 1: he's running it. How do you own Instagram and have

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Speaker 1: a terrible Instagram? Yeah, it's I mean it look it

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Speaker 1: seems pretty personal, like I bet he's doing it. Well,

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Speaker 1: maybe he is, but I'm sure he gets a million

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Speaker 1: d ms a day and you just can't keep up. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: i mean nine point two million followers, so I'm sure

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Speaker 1: he can't keep up. He needs to get an intern

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Speaker 1: on that ship to at least like look for things

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Speaker 1: like I don't know, like he should be mining for

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Speaker 1: information whatever Russia. Google this boat though, I have a

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Speaker 1: picture of it, so maybe I'll post it. But like,

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Speaker 1: holy sh it, it wasn't the craziest thing about it was. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So you can see these amazing boats on the side

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Speaker 1: that are like it's lifeboats and it's boats that they

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Speaker 1: used to like going to town, Like these beautiful wooden

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Speaker 1: boats that like, and I'm not a voter, so I mean,

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Speaker 1: I am a voter, but I don't know about I

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Speaker 1: did grow up on the water, but I don't know

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Speaker 1: a lot about you know, how much boats cost. But

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Speaker 1: the people that we were with thought that, and there

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Speaker 1: were two of them, these like gorgeous wooden boats guests

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Speaker 1: that like, they each probably cost a million dollars to make,

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Speaker 1: which is just insane. These are spare boats. But then

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Speaker 1: we found this photo, um an aerial photo of the

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Speaker 1: boat of the yacht and on the top front level

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Speaker 1: on the bow, there are five other boats one of

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Speaker 1: them and they're all they all have these like massive

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Speaker 1: cranes to move them. But one of them was like

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Speaker 1: basically the size of the boat that our friend lives on,

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Speaker 1: which is I mean, for all intents of purposes, a yacht.

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Speaker 1: And it was like tucked into the bow of this boat.

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Speaker 1: Like we're like, this is insanity. It was just one

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Speaker 1: of the many boats. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that level of

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Speaker 1: money is so beyond my realm of even thinking or understanding, Like,

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Speaker 1: I can't process it, we cannot pross. Yeah, we're doing

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Speaker 1: abbreviations today, can't cross. Yeah, So you guys, go check

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Speaker 1: out the ulysses Google that beaute. It's alright, we digress anyway,

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Speaker 1: let's sex and dating. So the question became, what fears

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Speaker 1: do new beginnings and dating or sex bring up for you?

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Speaker 1: And I wanted us to give our answers first, because again,

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Speaker 1: I think this is such a universal thing that no

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Speaker 1: matter who you are, even if you're a fucking supermodel

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Speaker 1: or you're Mark Zuckerberg, I think that you have fears

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Speaker 1: around this stuff and it is part of the human condition.

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Speaker 1: And I think it's like all of our internal messaging

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Speaker 1: and critical voices and things like that. So do you

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Speaker 1: want to go first with what what are your fears

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Speaker 1: that I'm in I think my biggest thing is and

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Speaker 1: this is gonna sound well, you know what. I'm not

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Speaker 1: gonna say that it sounds basic because to me it

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Speaker 1: felt basic, But when I read responses, it feels really universal.

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Speaker 1: It's a fear of rejection, you know, like nobody wants

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Speaker 1: to like not feel loved, you know, or not feel sexy,

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Speaker 1: or not feel wanted. So I think that's the overarching

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Speaker 1: thing for me. Um, the something that's like I think

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Speaker 1: a little bit more just like personal is like I

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Speaker 1: kind of let myself go. I hate my body right now.

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Speaker 1: I don't want anyone to see it. So the idea

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Speaker 1: of like having to be naked and intimate with somebody

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Speaker 1: is just like embarrassing, you know. Like, And I think

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Speaker 1: the reason why I use the word embarrassing is because

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Speaker 1: I don't have like there's no reason for me to

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Speaker 1: be overweight other than my own callousness, Like I have

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Speaker 1: just chosen to be unhealthy, and for that, I'm embarrassed.

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Speaker 1: I don't have a thyroid issue that's making me gain weight,

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Speaker 1: like I gain weight because I love ice cream, you know,

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Speaker 1: and sweets and don't work out enough. So I mean,

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Speaker 1: I think that is really the thing, and it's a

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Speaker 1: self fulfilling prophecy because like now I'm eating my feelings,

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Speaker 1: so I have to um, you know, I know that,

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Speaker 1: I know. I think what also makes an embarrassing is

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Speaker 1: that I fully understand the steps that I need to

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Speaker 1: take to make these feelings go away, and I know

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Speaker 1: that it's possible. I'm just not doing it, and that

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Speaker 1: is where I find the embarrassment. So, you know, I

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Speaker 1: think the overarching thing is it's like I need to

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Speaker 1: love myself more. You know, like I need to love

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Speaker 1: myself enough to take care of myself so that I

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Speaker 1: get to a place that I'm proud of my body,

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Speaker 1: and um, then I'll I'll have more confidence to not

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Speaker 1: worry about being rejected. I know I'm awesome, Like that's

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Speaker 1: the thing is, like I know that, um, you know,

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Speaker 1: I know I'm magnetic. I know all of these things

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Speaker 1: that like make me attractive to other people, but I

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Speaker 1: worry about the physicality of it. And so I think, well,

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Speaker 1: no one's gonna want to no one's attracted to me,

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Speaker 1: look at my fat ass, you know. So it's like

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Speaker 1: I have to get to a point where like I

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Speaker 1: can cross that off the list because all the other

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Speaker 1: stuff is in place. So it's so interesting. I'm listening

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Speaker 1: to you talk right now, and I think I've had

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Speaker 1: a therapist say this to me about, um, the things

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Speaker 1: that we project onto people, Like, no one's ever going

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Speaker 1: to be attracted to me, Like you don't know that,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean? That's like, but that's the

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Speaker 1: voice in your head. So then you're probably bringing that

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Speaker 1: energy out into the world and you're guarded or you're

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Speaker 1: not feeling like your best self. And so that's what

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Speaker 1: you present to people and even if they were attracted

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Speaker 1: to you, maybe you wouldn't be able to accept it. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: or even like I've I don't know if I've said

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Speaker 1: it on here before, but I've definitely said it before.

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Speaker 1: I literally like someone could walk up to me and

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Speaker 1: so latently hit on me and I either think that

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Speaker 1: it's a joke or it goes over my head. I

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Speaker 1: miss it, you know, Like it's like this weird thing

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Speaker 1: because I have told myself that people are going to

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Speaker 1: be attracted to me. Um and so yeah, and it's

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Speaker 1: it's a self fulfilling prophecy too. It's like, well, this

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Speaker 1: is a comfortable and I'm coming. As much as I

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Speaker 1: don't like it, I can at least live in the

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Speaker 1: comfort of saying, well, you know, like this is why

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Speaker 1: I'm single, and I know why, and I can be

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Speaker 1: comfortable in that. Yeah. And but if I lose the

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Speaker 1: weight and get to a place where I feel great

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Speaker 1: and I still am not s meeting somebody, then I

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Speaker 1: have there's there's more layers that I need to unfold,

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Speaker 1: and that I think is where the real fear lies.

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Speaker 1: That is an interesting thought. Yeah, it is interesting, and

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Speaker 1: I do the same thing in different ways, but you

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Speaker 1: go to what's familiar because it's what you know, even

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Speaker 1: if it's causing you an immense amount of pain or um.

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Speaker 1: You know, for me, it's it's relationships cycles that they're

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Speaker 1: not good for me, and I get super hooked in.

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Speaker 1: You've seen I get so hooked into them and I

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Speaker 1: can't really get out. But it's like this thing in

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Speaker 1: my gut, like I'm so pulled into these chaotic cycles,

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Speaker 1: maybe because of childhood stuff or you know, some of

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Speaker 1: it I'm still uncovering, but um, going out into like

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Speaker 1: a place where I might be like trying to work

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Speaker 1: through my healing and then meeting someone at the same

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Speaker 1: place instead of going back to the old kind of

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Speaker 1: dynamic that I'm used to feel so fucking scary even

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Speaker 1: though it's what I want. Right. Do you feel that? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: because it's like there is something about the comfort of familiarity,

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Speaker 1: you know, like you and it might it's and it's

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Speaker 1: even subconscious, yes, you know, it's like you're like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I feel like I've known you forever, like and so

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Speaker 1: it's it's like the challenge there is is ALLMO. It's

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Speaker 1: like you have to you you you have to put

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Speaker 1: yourself into a situation where you're going to date something

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Speaker 1: someone or be willing to like take the time to

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Speaker 1: get to know someone that almost feels like the exact

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Speaker 1: opposite of what you've always thought you wanted, you know,

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Speaker 1: which is really scary because we all think that we

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Speaker 1: have a type or we know what we're looking for.

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Speaker 1: But um, for those of us who are single, like

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Speaker 1: clearly we haven't been doing it right, you know, So

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Speaker 1: it's um, I mean, I think that is a really

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Speaker 1: scary place to be. But you know, I I because

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Speaker 1: of our relationship and how much time we've spent together,

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Speaker 1: particularly in the last like a couple of months, Like,

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Speaker 1: I'm really proud of the journey that you've put yourself on,

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Speaker 1: you know. Um. It's it's like you're it's your student

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Speaker 1: of relationships right now, and I think it's, um, it's

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Speaker 1: something to be Um, it's something to behold, you know.

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Speaker 1: Like I think it's really important. Um, you're learning so

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Speaker 1: much about yourself through the process that you're going to

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Speaker 1: come out on this of this on the other side, UM,

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Speaker 1: a changed person that's going to attract the right type

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Speaker 1: of person. You know, look at you be invulnerable, right,

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Speaker 1: Like the people in this podcast. I have heard me cry. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's fine. Everybody in the world at this point. Um,

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Speaker 1: thank you for saying that. I do feel like a

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Speaker 1: student and I have so much Sometimes it's overwhelming because

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Speaker 1: He's like, once you start to pull back one layer,

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Speaker 1: then it's like, oh fuck, there's a million layers under there,

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Speaker 1: and UM, it can be overwhelming, but that's why you

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Speaker 1: just take it one day at a time. And I

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Speaker 1: agree with you with the comfortability, the familiarity. And I

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Speaker 1: think part of where a lot of my panic, you know,

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Speaker 1: and anxiety has been coming in or even um, getting

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Speaker 1: out of my last relationship, A lot of that is

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Speaker 1: like it's like this walking into this unknown place that

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Speaker 1: I don't feel like I've ever been in my life.

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Speaker 1: And even though it's like where I've wanted to go,

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Speaker 1: like I've said, like I've known for a long time,

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Speaker 1: like this is that is the kind of relationship I want,

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Speaker 1: you know, Um, but I have not been able to

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Speaker 1: quite take the leap into actually getting to that, Like

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Speaker 1: I still go to familiar cycles that I know, and

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Speaker 1: like you said, it's subconscious, like it's it's a very um,

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Speaker 1: we're not aware of what we're doing. A lot of

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Speaker 1: times or why we're drawing and what we're drawing in

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Speaker 1: and you said something about like, um, we're not doing

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Speaker 1: it right, and I don't. I don't have to switch

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Speaker 1: that narrative in my head because i will beat myself

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Speaker 1: up over and over because I'm like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: you're fucking almost forty. You can't get this right. And

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Speaker 1: actually getting out of my last relationship, that was one

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Speaker 1: of the hardest parts for me about being a single

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Speaker 1: woman going into my forties, um, was that people were

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Speaker 1: going to think about me that I am fucked up,

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Speaker 1: you know, like I'm just too fucked up. I can't

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Speaker 1: figure it out. And I don't really believe that anymore.

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Speaker 1: I think that everyone's journey looks different, um, and I

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Speaker 1: think there's plenty of people in relationships that are, yeah,

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Speaker 1: like they're living you know, maybe not they're true in

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Speaker 1: their truest self or um, they're just going through the

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Speaker 1: motions and living in dysfunction or whatever it is. I mean,

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Speaker 1: that's not mine to figure out. But um, we're the

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Speaker 1: fact that I'm sitting here asking the questions is really hard,

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Speaker 1: and so I'm trying to give myself the credit to

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Speaker 1: be like you're actually being brave to face this ship

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Speaker 1: and to try to do something different, which as a

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Speaker 1: human is against our typical nature, Like I think we

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Speaker 1: just want comfort and so insecurity. So anyway, with all

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Speaker 1: that said, my answer to the question actually falls in

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Speaker 1: line with all of this stuff because the narrative in

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Speaker 1: my head is or the critical voice in my head

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Speaker 1: and some of my fears that come up, or that

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Speaker 1: I'm always going to be alone, like I want someone

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Speaker 1: to meet me or to have, um this desire to

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Speaker 1: grow and to heal, and you know, to want to

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Speaker 1: have a kind of relationship dynamic where it's transparent and

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Speaker 1: you're working together to be healthy and work through old

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Speaker 1: traumas and and not live in the old familiar pattern places.

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Speaker 1: But to be putting yourself out there in a vulnerable state,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh my god, guys like that just

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Speaker 1: don't exist, Like that's the story in my head, and um,

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Speaker 1: I know that's not fair, but it's really scary because

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Speaker 1: I just said, like I you know, if I leave

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Speaker 1: what's familiar, or if I um try to walk out

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Speaker 1: on this limb that I'm so freaking scared to walk

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Speaker 1: out on, I am going to be alone forever, because look,

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Speaker 1: I'm forty and um, I haven't figured it out yet,

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Speaker 1: so what makes me think that all of a sudden

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Speaker 1: it's just going to magically switch? So um, yeah, those

404
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Speaker 1: are the things. I mean, I'm working through them every

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Speaker 1: day and you just got to keep moving forward. But

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Speaker 1: I'm just scared that guy doesn't exist. Ultimately, I think

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Speaker 1: he does. And you touched on something too, and I

408
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,720
Speaker 1: think you're right, Like I wasn't right to say we're

409
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Speaker 1: doing it wrong, that we feel like we're doing it wrong,

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Speaker 1: and I think I think that's a really good point.

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Speaker 1: But you know, we we're all we're all sort of

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Speaker 1: victims of society to like, you know, from birth, we're

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Speaker 1: all you were taught that, like there's Prince Charming and

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Speaker 1: there's the princess and he rides in on a horse

415
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Speaker 1: and he saves her, and everything is copasetic, and like

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Speaker 1: you have to have babies by this time and be

417
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Speaker 1: married by this time, and it's there's so many outside

418
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Speaker 1: forces that are beyond our control that sort of shape

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Speaker 1: that narrative for us that are completely unfair and unrealistic

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Speaker 1: in most in most cases, but I do think, um,

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Speaker 1: you know, the point is I feel like you are

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Speaker 1: investing in yourself right now in a self love kind

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Speaker 1: of way that um uh is going to reap benefits

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Speaker 1: that you are beyond your water stream, because I think

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Speaker 1: once you get to a place where you feel centered

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Speaker 1: and and love yourself and accept all of your wrinkles

427
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:22,439
Speaker 1: and all of the little things any blemish and I

428
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:26,399
Speaker 1: don't mean just physical I just blemishes on your life

429
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,080
Speaker 1: and accept them for you and be like, Okay, I

430
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:32,800
Speaker 1: recognize that I'm gonna work towards making that better. The

431
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:34,600
Speaker 1: right man is going to walk into your life and

432
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,000
Speaker 1: he's going to see you the way that you now

433
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:39,320
Speaker 1: see yourself. You know that's right. I mean that's what

434
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:49,760
Speaker 1: everyone keeps telling me. Um And it's just interesting. As

435
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:54,080
Speaker 1: you were talking, I was thinking, it's funny how because

436
00:23:54,119 --> 00:23:58,159
Speaker 1: you mentioned something about like blemishes and accepting yourself and like,

437
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,159
Speaker 1: for me, a lot of that too is accepting my

438
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:04,879
Speaker 1: needs for what they actually are because I don't feel sometimes.

439
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:06,800
Speaker 1: You know, I'm a four on the angiogram, so I

440
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:08,720
Speaker 1: think this is a very common thing with fours, but

441
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:13,040
Speaker 1: I feel like, uh separate from a lot, Like I'm like,

442
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:18,880
Speaker 1: I'm just so fucking sensitive or I feel things so big,

443
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,720
Speaker 1: you know, And so then I'll just try to pretend

444
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,040
Speaker 1: like I'm like everyone else that I see around me,

445
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:28,280
Speaker 1: and I'm I'm not so sensitive or I'm not feeling

446
00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:31,200
Speaker 1: things in the capacity that I am. And I've talked

447
00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:33,399
Speaker 1: about this when we were talking about souber curiosity a

448
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:35,560
Speaker 1: little bit. I think I was drinking to kind of

449
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:39,280
Speaker 1: medicate some of that ship down, like oh my god,

450
00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:42,440
Speaker 1: I'm so anxious or like, I know this is happening.

451
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:45,240
Speaker 1: I see this dynamic, and I have a lot of

452
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,640
Speaker 1: knowledge about this stuff, but I can't communicate it with

453
00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:52,480
Speaker 1: people and feel seen or understood. And so I'm just

454
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:54,840
Speaker 1: gonna drink my way through this so that I don't

455
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,680
Speaker 1: feel this And it doesn't work, but we commence ourselves

456
00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:01,080
Speaker 1: that it does. And so for me, a part of

457
00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:04,200
Speaker 1: accepting my quote unquote blemishes or whatever is also accepting

458
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:07,800
Speaker 1: my needs and once are what they are, and standing

459
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:11,159
Speaker 1: kind of firm in that. Like I think as women

460
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:14,040
Speaker 1: we kind of are we tend to do this thing

461
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,440
Speaker 1: where we're like, uh, you know, okay, fine, that these

462
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:20,280
Speaker 1: are his needs. I'm gonna meet his needs so that

463
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:23,919
Speaker 1: then maybe mine get met because I have the safety

464
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:26,280
Speaker 1: of this relationship because he's happy, so he's not going

465
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:31,000
Speaker 1: to abandon me, and ultimately we're abandoning ourselves and get

466
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:34,520
Speaker 1: completely lost in the cycle. So that's something that I'm

467
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,440
Speaker 1: just like, I can't do that anymore, and if that

468
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:41,400
Speaker 1: means that I'm alone for a while, it's really scary.

469
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:44,640
Speaker 1: But like, the only kind of relationship I really need

470
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:47,480
Speaker 1: in my life or want is to be seen, as

471
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:50,159
Speaker 1: you said, for who I actually am, and for my

472
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,959
Speaker 1: needs to be accepted for what they actually are by myself,

473
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,080
Speaker 1: like by me and also by my partner. And that's

474
00:25:57,119 --> 00:25:59,960
Speaker 1: not like I know, there's things that not one per

475
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,800
Speaker 1: and can meet every need or whatever, but like I

476
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:06,560
Speaker 1: do need to be in a relationship where I'm not

477
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,840
Speaker 1: trying to stuff down things about myself that are huge

478
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:14,479
Speaker 1: parts of me or pretend like I'm something I'm not

479
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:17,520
Speaker 1: or you know, something different than I am to try

480
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:22,240
Speaker 1: to keep the relationship. So does that make sense? Absolutely? Yeah.

481
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:24,280
Speaker 1: I mean I think at the core of it all

482
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,520
Speaker 1: is like even within a relationship, I think the most

483
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:31,480
Speaker 1: important thing is self love. You know, like you're gonna

484
00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:36,800
Speaker 1: you want you should want your partner to um uh,

485
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,880
Speaker 1: you know that in marriage they say for better for worse.

486
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:45,440
Speaker 1: So it's like in those for worse moments, it's you

487
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:49,600
Speaker 1: you should expect and want your partner to recognize, oh,

488
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:53,879
Speaker 1: you're hurting for these things and to give you the

489
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:59,879
Speaker 1: the space um to heal, you know, and and for

490
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:04,719
Speaker 1: participate in that healing. Yeah, And I think that like

491
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:09,360
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, um, it's you have

492
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:11,560
Speaker 1: to put even within a relationship, you have to put

493
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:14,159
Speaker 1: yourself first because you're not going to be able to

494
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,919
Speaker 1: arrive as your best self for them. And there are

495
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,359
Speaker 1: times of need if you feel like you've already given

496
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:25,639
Speaker 1: everything and you've neglected yourself. I think that goes for everyone.

497
00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:30,920
Speaker 1: I also think that the programming in our culture tends

498
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:34,760
Speaker 1: to make that a little harder for women, like the

499
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:39,960
Speaker 1: mother role, the you know, wife role a lot about

500
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:41,760
Speaker 1: like men are kind of wired to be like, no,

501
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:44,360
Speaker 1: this is what I want and I'm gonna go get it,

502
00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:48,119
Speaker 1: and this is what I need. And although I'm not

503
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,640
Speaker 1: saying mental sacrifice to or compromise or any of that stuff,

504
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,040
Speaker 1: I just think it's a little more in men's nature

505
00:27:54,119 --> 00:27:56,880
Speaker 1: to stand firm and their needs and wants and all

506
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:59,560
Speaker 1: of that and to go get them, whereas as women

507
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:03,879
Speaker 1: we start off from this place of like, oh, okay,

508
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:06,320
Speaker 1: let me like walk on eggshells and like let me,

509
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:10,200
Speaker 1: you know, mold myself into this perfect version of myself

510
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:14,040
Speaker 1: so that you accept me, um, and let me give

511
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,320
Speaker 1: all of this stuff so that you don't leave me

512
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:20,399
Speaker 1: like I said, and um, we just, yeah, you just

513
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:23,480
Speaker 1: completely get lost. And so to stand firm and your boundaries. Actually,

514
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:27,080
Speaker 1: even a lot of men don't respond well to that, yeah,

515
00:28:27,119 --> 00:28:31,000
Speaker 1: because it's it's foreign to them too well, because men

516
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:35,639
Speaker 1: are also you know, um talked to be emotionless, you know,

517
00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:38,760
Speaker 1: from society, like because it's and I think it all

518
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,560
Speaker 1: goes back to you know, it's obviously dates back to

519
00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:46,160
Speaker 1: the beginning of civilization. But like historically men were breadwinners

520
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:50,239
Speaker 1: and it was about like, um, survival, and like you

521
00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:52,800
Speaker 1: had to win to protect the family, to give to

522
00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:55,800
Speaker 1: provide the things that need that the family needed to

523
00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:58,680
Speaker 1: survive and to be safe. You know, it's human instinct

524
00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:01,080
Speaker 1: just to want to protect yourself and the ones that

525
00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:04,320
Speaker 1: you love. So emotions were sort of like removed from

526
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:06,520
Speaker 1: the picture. We live in a very different world today

527
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:10,280
Speaker 1: where like women are breadwinners, you know, and a lot

528
00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:13,040
Speaker 1: of households the woman is bringing home more bread than

529
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:18,200
Speaker 1: the man, and so we cannot Those old tropes just

530
00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:21,400
Speaker 1: don't work anymore. And I think that we're in this

531
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:25,320
Speaker 1: like really interesting time and civilization where we're sort of

532
00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 1: rewriting the script and it's not easy, and it's gonna

533
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:32,720
Speaker 1: take work from both sides. Like men have to be

534
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,360
Speaker 1: more in tune with the I mean, I'm gonna say

535
00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,320
Speaker 1: they're feminine energy, because it's like, we have to feel

536
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:41,120
Speaker 1: our emotions. We have to, like I think in order

537
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:48,080
Speaker 1: for civilization to continue, UM to survive, we're going to

538
00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:50,200
Speaker 1: have to find a more even a playing field. It's

539
00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:54,520
Speaker 1: like it just doesn't work that way anymore. I just

540
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,400
Speaker 1: when you were talking, I was having this vision of

541
00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:59,880
Speaker 1: this caveman and he's like, oh, I killed the why

542
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:03,960
Speaker 1: and today me needs sex? You know, Like yeah, I'm like,

543
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:07,600
Speaker 1: we gotta let that ship go. That is because the

544
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,960
Speaker 1: ideas like I need a son to help me protect everything.

545
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:13,000
Speaker 1: You know, it's like it's about it was about procreation

546
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:17,720
Speaker 1: all those things, like obviously we need to procreate as

547
00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:21,040
Speaker 1: a human race to UM to continue to survive. But

548
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:24,680
Speaker 1: I think that the way that we interact on an

549
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:28,360
Speaker 1: emotional level needs to change yes, and it's it's definitely

550
00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:30,840
Speaker 1: being brought to the surface, I think, and I'm happy

551
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:33,000
Speaker 1: about that too. Yeah, I feel you. I think a

552
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:36,360
Speaker 1: lot of the programming stuff is like we're just starting

553
00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:38,880
Speaker 1: to scratch the surface of some things. Are in my

554
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:42,960
Speaker 1: awareness we are, and so it's it's like this wobbly

555
00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:45,880
Speaker 1: you know, baby deer trying to stand up for the

556
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:47,800
Speaker 1: first time. We're like, I don't know how to do

557
00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:50,480
Speaker 1: this and how do I navigate this? And a lot

558
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:53,880
Speaker 1: of times it can be tumultuous and insane, and I

559
00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:56,400
Speaker 1: think we just have to all keep taking the next

560
00:30:56,440 --> 00:31:01,120
Speaker 1: right step. I think the most important thing and I

561
00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:06,440
Speaker 1: think that you did this is at a certain point

562
00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:11,280
Speaker 1: you said you're not listening, You're not meeting my needs.

563
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:15,320
Speaker 1: I'm moving on because I think there are a lot

564
00:31:15,360 --> 00:31:17,920
Speaker 1: of people that are in relationships that still are they

565
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:22,400
Speaker 1: compromise and they like and I do like, don't get

566
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:25,160
Speaker 1: me wrong, there is always going to be compromising relationships,

567
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:27,200
Speaker 1: but I don't think that you should be the only

568
00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:30,680
Speaker 1: one compromising. And really, if you're the only one compromising

569
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:34,400
Speaker 1: in a relationship, you are not in a healthy relationship, right.

570
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:39,040
Speaker 1: And I and you fought really hard for both people

571
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:44,720
Speaker 1: to compromise and it didn't happen and you had to say,

572
00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:48,840
Speaker 1: I'm out. I think the biggest thing for me was

573
00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:52,760
Speaker 1: looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself and being

574
00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:57,360
Speaker 1: and so whatever whatever got me to that place, you know,

575
00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 1: like that's the piece that I was just like I

576
00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:04,120
Speaker 1: can't live my life this way because one, it's not

577
00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:06,000
Speaker 1: fair to me, but to it's not fair to anyone.

578
00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:08,479
Speaker 1: Like it's to look in the mirror and not like

579
00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:11,160
Speaker 1: the version of yourself that you see, or to know

580
00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:14,520
Speaker 1: that like I wasn't in the way that I was

581
00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:18,560
Speaker 1: functioning in my life at that time, I was not

582
00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:21,000
Speaker 1: going to be able to grow. And what I know

583
00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:25,640
Speaker 1: right now is as fucking uncomfortable as I am, and

584
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:30,280
Speaker 1: I've taken so many medicators away, so I'm even more uncomfortable. Um,

585
00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:32,760
Speaker 1: But it's that like I am being challenged to grow

586
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:35,200
Speaker 1: and like I feel it. I know it in my being,

587
00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:39,160
Speaker 1: I know it everywhere in my body that like this

588
00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:41,720
Speaker 1: is just a stage of life that I have to

589
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:44,160
Speaker 1: go through to get to where I'm supposed to be going.

590
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:46,040
Speaker 1: And not that I'm gonna be like in this like

591
00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:48,800
Speaker 1: I'm gonna figure it out. But the next the next

592
00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:50,960
Speaker 1: version of or the next stage of my life. I

593
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:54,680
Speaker 1: can't get there unless I face these things within myself

594
00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:57,520
Speaker 1: to where I'm not abandoning myself. I can hold a

595
00:32:57,520 --> 00:33:01,280
Speaker 1: fucking boundary, you know, Like I just I was literally

596
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:04,880
Speaker 1: walking around boundaryless and as an impath, that is the

597
00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:08,120
Speaker 1: worst fucking idea you can never have. And um, I

598
00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:11,320
Speaker 1: still haven't gotten really great at that, but I am

599
00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:13,560
Speaker 1: trying to practice it a little more. And it is

600
00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:15,560
Speaker 1: literally one day at a time for me right now

601
00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:19,479
Speaker 1: because it's really uncomfortable. But yeah, I think that if

602
00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:21,760
Speaker 1: you're in a relationship and you're looking in the mirror

603
00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:24,800
Speaker 1: not able to see a version of yourself that you

604
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:28,640
Speaker 1: like or appreciate or can see where you're going, um,

605
00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:31,240
Speaker 1: and you're not completely lost, then that is not a

606
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:37,760
Speaker 1: good time. No no. Um. Well, I was going to say,

607
00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:42,600
Speaker 1: should we see what some of the other let's move

608
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:46,640
Speaker 1: into listener responses. So I broke it down into like

609
00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:49,600
Speaker 1: a couple of different themes on this first question because

610
00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:52,520
Speaker 1: we had a lot of repeat answers and it made

611
00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:58,520
Speaker 1: me actually really a little sad. Um. Well, okay, one,

612
00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:02,040
Speaker 1: two things I've noticed what you said, Like, there's so

613
00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:08,640
Speaker 1: much commonality is that a word commonality? Um where amongst

614
00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:12,000
Speaker 1: us with this topic, Like some most of the things

615
00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:14,760
Speaker 1: that people one person wrote in, someone else had written into.

616
00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:16,360
Speaker 1: And so I do think it's important that we just

617
00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:20,600
Speaker 1: say them out loud so that people no, they're not alone. Also,

618
00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:23,320
Speaker 1: I think it's really important that we start talking about

619
00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:26,600
Speaker 1: these things because there is absolutely no other way that

620
00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:29,359
Speaker 1: we can do anything different if we don't address it,

621
00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:31,839
Speaker 1: you know. And so if we're just walking around so

622
00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:34,359
Speaker 1: scared all the time and we're not voicing what our

623
00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:37,200
Speaker 1: fears are, how are we going to learn to do

624
00:34:37,239 --> 00:34:39,440
Speaker 1: anything different? We're just gonna keep repeating the same cycle.

625
00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:41,959
Speaker 1: So the first section that I broke it down into

626
00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:45,359
Speaker 1: was vulnerability, and we had so many people right in

627
00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:48,560
Speaker 1: that what they're scared about the most is just being vulnerable.

628
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:52,040
Speaker 1: Hannah said, everything about being vulnerable, it just sounds scary.

629
00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:56,400
Speaker 1: Grace said, Um, where do I begin. It's putting myself

630
00:34:56,440 --> 00:35:01,080
Speaker 1: out there, um fifty three. She's day someone younger, so

631
00:35:01,239 --> 00:35:03,560
Speaker 1: she had a lot of issues with that, but she

632
00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:05,840
Speaker 1: said it makes her feel really vulnerable, like her age

633
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:09,600
Speaker 1: makes her feel really vulnerable. Um. There was a lot

634
00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:12,720
Speaker 1: of just people just writing in in general about vulnerable,

635
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:16,640
Speaker 1: Devin said, fear of being vulnerable again, fear of if

636
00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:20,680
Speaker 1: I'm really ready, fear of ignoring red flags again. Um

637
00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:24,640
Speaker 1: Nina said, trusting myself. I really struggle with that too,

638
00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:28,200
Speaker 1: especially when I think you've had a cycle of dysfunctional relationships.

639
00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:32,279
Speaker 1: You're like, how do I know that my attraction isn't

640
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:36,240
Speaker 1: part of that same dysfunctional cycle, or that I'm actually

641
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:38,200
Speaker 1: just attracted to this person? You know, like I've been

642
00:35:38,239 --> 00:35:40,640
Speaker 1: taught now at this point that when I have chemistry

643
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:44,200
Speaker 1: with somebody, it's not necessarily a good sign. It might

644
00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:51,000
Speaker 1: just be me repeating old addictive patterns. Um Ksha said

645
00:35:51,440 --> 00:35:55,440
Speaker 1: being her fear in the Vulnerability piece was being used

646
00:35:55,480 --> 00:36:00,279
Speaker 1: as a coping mechanism. Did you see that one? I

647
00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:08,200
Speaker 1: thought that was so interesting? Yeah, um wait where is

648
00:36:08,239 --> 00:36:11,080
Speaker 1: it again? Read it to me again? Kesha and her

649
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:15,640
Speaker 1: Vulnerability said, I feel scared of being used as a

650
00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:23,440
Speaker 1: coping mechanism. Um yeah, my when when I saw that

651
00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:30,680
Speaker 1: the first time, Um, it made that one made me

652
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:35,480
Speaker 1: a little sad because it was more about someone else's

653
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:44,439
Speaker 1: actions than hers. Um and that you know, we're not

654
00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:52,239
Speaker 1: necessarily in positions to control what other people do, so um. I,

655
00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:56,640
Speaker 1: you know, I'm curious why. Um, there must be a

656
00:36:56,640 --> 00:37:01,480
Speaker 1: cycle of if that is her biggest fear of being used,

657
00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:04,640
Speaker 1: what's the cycle that she's in and choosing people that

658
00:37:04,880 --> 00:37:09,640
Speaker 1: are you have used her in the past. Yeah, I'm

659
00:37:09,680 --> 00:37:15,320
Speaker 1: no therapist, but would be Uh, there's some emotional unavailability

660
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:21,080
Speaker 1: attraction which I totally identify with Keisha. Um and that

661
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:24,000
Speaker 1: it was interesting when I read it because I think

662
00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:26,160
Speaker 1: I talked about this a couple of podcasts ago, or

663
00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:27,759
Speaker 1: maybe it was it was in December. It was my

664
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:32,640
Speaker 1: podcast with Jake Woodard and Melissa, his fiance, and UM,

665
00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:35,920
Speaker 1: I was going on a rant about how I'm I

666
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:39,760
Speaker 1: was fearful of my ex moving on really quickly. Um

667
00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:42,120
Speaker 1: and and that when I would say that to people,

668
00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:44,640
Speaker 1: people were like, yeah, that's kind of just what guys do.

669
00:37:45,080 --> 00:37:48,759
Speaker 1: And I'm like that, this is bullshit. Why are we

670
00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:53,399
Speaker 1: That is a bad programming thing, right there? Boys will

671
00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:57,239
Speaker 1: be boys. I hate that fucking statement. No you won't like, okay, fine,

672
00:37:57,239 --> 00:38:00,839
Speaker 1: We're gonna just keep applauding fucked up behavior and not

673
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:05,120
Speaker 1: healing your pains and griefs and like saying and just

674
00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:08,879
Speaker 1: continuing to push medicating as the only option or like

675
00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:12,400
Speaker 1: that is why she would feel that way is because

676
00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:14,839
Speaker 1: there are a lot of people out there that when

677
00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:18,719
Speaker 1: they get in uncomfortable situations or feelings, and especially with men,

678
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:22,239
Speaker 1: because it's just applauded or it's just you know, I'm

679
00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:25,040
Speaker 1: doing air quotes right now, but it's just presented as

680
00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:27,680
Speaker 1: that is what men do or that's the way to

681
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:29,960
Speaker 1: get over a breakup? Is what did I say? Get

682
00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:33,680
Speaker 1: under somebody else? And it's like it's disgusting. It's like

683
00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:36,360
Speaker 1: it's actually really started to piss me off and gross

684
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:39,600
Speaker 1: me out because it's like, you're so now not only

685
00:38:39,600 --> 00:38:41,760
Speaker 1: are you getting out of a relationship where there's probably

686
00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:44,560
Speaker 1: a lot of pain, but you're also taking someone else

687
00:38:44,600 --> 00:38:49,880
Speaker 1: like an innocent bystandard, and you are using them to

688
00:38:50,040 --> 00:38:52,480
Speaker 1: make yourself feel better without being able to offer them

689
00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:59,680
Speaker 1: anything what you haven't gotten over exactly, and so you're

690
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:03,680
Speaker 1: comeing to them as a shell of human. You're using

691
00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:06,080
Speaker 1: them so that you're out of your pain, and then

692
00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:07,919
Speaker 1: you probably are not going to be able to show

693
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:10,560
Speaker 1: up in a relationship capacity for them, I would guess,

694
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:13,960
Speaker 1: because you're actually probably not healed or ready, and so

695
00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:15,920
Speaker 1: you're just going to discard them and that's going to

696
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:18,160
Speaker 1: cause them more pain, you know. And I think a

697
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:21,239
Speaker 1: lot of women walk around just like hating men, and

698
00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:23,359
Speaker 1: men are upset with us about that. But it's like,

699
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:25,640
Speaker 1: well with that kind of fucking behavior and how we'd

700
00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:30,439
Speaker 1: treated and like we're love bombed to think that, like

701
00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:34,000
Speaker 1: you have so much to offer, but then it's really

702
00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:36,839
Speaker 1: just to get you in bed, like so that you

703
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:41,000
Speaker 1: feel better. It's fucked up and it needs to change. Yeah.

704
00:39:41,239 --> 00:39:42,920
Speaker 1: I mean, look, I think it plays back into the

705
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:46,920
Speaker 1: whole like men aren't emotional mental show emotion kind of thing.

706
00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:53,000
Speaker 1: It's like it plays into the well, I just have

707
00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:55,680
Speaker 1: to get past this rather than sit in the emotion

708
00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:57,680
Speaker 1: and figure out what it is that either you did

709
00:39:57,719 --> 00:39:59,680
Speaker 1: wrong or your partner did wrong or whatever it was

710
00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:03,040
Speaker 1: in the relationship that brought it to this place. Yeah.

711
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:13,960
Speaker 1: And the thing about men not being or being emotionless,

712
00:40:14,040 --> 00:40:17,520
Speaker 1: men are not emotionless, and that is a programming thing

713
00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:19,960
Speaker 1: that we have to stop too. It's like teaching boys

714
00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:23,279
Speaker 1: that they can't have emotions. Boys are human too, They

715
00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:26,960
Speaker 1: have a um maybe it doesn't look the same, but

716
00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:31,160
Speaker 1: they have emotions. And so we got to start teaching

717
00:40:31,239 --> 00:40:34,799
Speaker 1: young men, I believe, how to feel through them and

718
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:38,120
Speaker 1: like give them the tools so that they don't. They

719
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:40,799
Speaker 1: don't think that drinking or just having sex with someone

720
00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:42,759
Speaker 1: else is going to be the only way that they

721
00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:46,120
Speaker 1: get over a breakup, Like they didn't need to go

722
00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:49,080
Speaker 1: get help, or it's okay to need to take some

723
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:52,120
Speaker 1: space to yourself, or it's okay to cry in your

724
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:55,560
Speaker 1: bed at lone at night, Like that's part of breaking up.

725
00:40:55,640 --> 00:41:00,560
Speaker 1: That sucks, but it's what happens, and it's uncomfortable and painful.

726
00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:03,320
Speaker 1: But if you don't feel it, it just keeps repeating

727
00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:07,160
Speaker 1: and it just keeps Uh, you keep hurting more people,

728
00:41:07,520 --> 00:41:12,400
Speaker 1: I think, so including yourself. Um, let's go into the

729
00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:17,200
Speaker 1: fears of dating. This was a category that I actually

730
00:41:17,239 --> 00:41:19,520
Speaker 1: I want to go to rejection first because you mentioned this.

731
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:25,120
Speaker 1: A lot of people wrote their fear their biggest fear

732
00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:29,760
Speaker 1: in moving forward in sex and dating is just rejection. Um.

733
00:41:29,800 --> 00:41:32,880
Speaker 1: A lot of people said just straight up rejection. A

734
00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:37,400
Speaker 1: lot of it was about insects, I think, feeling rejected

735
00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:40,640
Speaker 1: and how vulnerable we can actually feel when we put

736
00:41:40,640 --> 00:41:44,719
Speaker 1: ourselves out there physically, you know, just like oh god,

737
00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:47,240
Speaker 1: it's scary. And I mean I think that our culture

738
00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:49,960
Speaker 1: tries to just like brush over that and like you're

739
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:53,279
Speaker 1: just like, oh, I'm so sexual and whatever. But it's

740
00:41:53,320 --> 00:41:57,600
Speaker 1: like there's feelings behind all of that too, and yeah,

741
00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:00,640
Speaker 1: it's fun to just have fun with it, but also

742
00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:03,640
Speaker 1: like what's the deeper meaning there or what's the deeper

743
00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:09,080
Speaker 1: internal thing happening with the vulnerability of letting someone see

744
00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:13,400
Speaker 1: you naked for the first time? Right? You know it's

745
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:16,320
Speaker 1: you know what's funny is like thinking about the rejection

746
00:42:16,400 --> 00:42:22,879
Speaker 1: thing and like I'm curious if it if it's more

747
00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:25,680
Speaker 1: common in women than it isn't men. Like just from

748
00:42:25,719 --> 00:42:29,080
Speaker 1: our trip, like we saw so many because you know,

749
00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:30,919
Speaker 1: when you're on an island and people are just sort

750
00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:34,920
Speaker 1: of passing through, like they let the like ship goes

751
00:42:34,960 --> 00:42:37,520
Speaker 1: out the window, and we you know, we we witnessed

752
00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:41,319
Speaker 1: guys hitting on our friends. Um at the bar, like

753
00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:45,160
Speaker 1: fucking there was a married guy next to me, had

754
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:48,239
Speaker 1: a wedding ring on, his children were on the lock

755
00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:52,400
Speaker 1: screen of his phone. Yet he u was blatantly hitting

756
00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:55,600
Speaker 1: on our like saying like he wanted to bang our friend,

757
00:42:56,280 --> 00:43:00,399
Speaker 1: and I mean he ended up falling of a chair

758
00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:02,919
Speaker 1: and embarrassing the ship out of himself, and like that

759
00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:06,880
Speaker 1: to me is like, my worst nightmare is something like

760
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:09,960
Speaker 1: that happening. But like he seemingly did not have fear

761
00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:13,640
Speaker 1: of rejection at all until the embarrassing SI he was gone.

762
00:43:14,520 --> 00:43:16,920
Speaker 1: He was, he was hammered. But I wonder if the

763
00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:21,080
Speaker 1: fear of rejection is a more it's more common in

764
00:43:21,120 --> 00:43:24,120
Speaker 1: women than men. I don't know. I mean, I'm sure

765
00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:26,759
Speaker 1: there's a Google search you could do really fast for us,

766
00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:29,120
Speaker 1: even though he'll piss Susan off, but then Susan will

767
00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:32,600
Speaker 1: get mad and you'll call me out for it. I

768
00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:34,520
Speaker 1: think it's kind of a universal thing. I think men

769
00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:37,000
Speaker 1: maybe try to hide it more. Yeah, I think I

770
00:43:37,040 --> 00:43:38,920
Speaker 1: just feel like you guys shoot shoot their shot a

771
00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:43,920
Speaker 1: little bit more than than women do. That's just the way.

772
00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:49,160
Speaker 1: You're also taught that men do the pursuing. And I

773
00:43:49,200 --> 00:43:50,960
Speaker 1: don't know, I mean, I don't know what the answer

774
00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:53,160
Speaker 1: is to that, but I do know that Marv always

775
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:57,359
Speaker 1: says to me, rejection is your best protection, and I'm

776
00:43:57,400 --> 00:44:01,360
Speaker 1: always like every time he's as that, because it's anytime

777
00:44:01,400 --> 00:44:04,640
Speaker 1: you face rejection, it feels like such a punishment to me,

778
00:44:04,800 --> 00:44:07,359
Speaker 1: or it feels like I'm not good enough. You know,

779
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:10,239
Speaker 1: that's the instant place that I go, and when he

780
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:13,080
Speaker 1: says it like that, it's like, oh, right, Like if

781
00:44:13,120 --> 00:44:15,239
Speaker 1: I think back on old relationships, like I think back

782
00:44:15,239 --> 00:44:18,080
Speaker 1: when when I was supposed to get married, and do

783
00:44:18,080 --> 00:44:20,239
Speaker 1: you know how fucking terrible it found it felt to

784
00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:22,560
Speaker 1: find out that my fiance had been cheating the whole

785
00:44:22,680 --> 00:44:25,120
Speaker 1: entire relationship three months before my wedding. I mean, it

786
00:44:25,160 --> 00:44:29,960
Speaker 1: felt very rejecting, and it also felt, um like what

787
00:44:30,120 --> 00:44:32,239
Speaker 1: is wrong with me? Like I personalized a lot of

788
00:44:32,280 --> 00:44:36,319
Speaker 1: it for a long time, and now looking at it,

789
00:44:36,400 --> 00:44:39,520
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, thank god that I found out before

790
00:44:39,520 --> 00:44:42,520
Speaker 1: I actually got married, And as painful as it was,

791
00:44:42,800 --> 00:44:46,839
Speaker 1: it did push me into recovery of my own and um,

792
00:44:46,880 --> 00:44:49,480
Speaker 1: starting on this journey that I'm still on obviously, And

793
00:44:49,560 --> 00:44:51,799
Speaker 1: so it does now I can look back at it

794
00:44:51,840 --> 00:44:54,640
Speaker 1: now and feel the protection from the universe of being like,

795
00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:57,240
Speaker 1: oh no, honey, this is not the guy for you, you

796
00:44:56,800 --> 00:45:01,320
Speaker 1: you know. Um, But that in the time doesn't feel

797
00:45:01,360 --> 00:45:03,919
Speaker 1: that way because you're wanting so desperately to make things work,

798
00:45:04,040 --> 00:45:06,440
Speaker 1: or you feel like you're so in love that how

799
00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:09,280
Speaker 1: could you ever move forward or be with someone else

800
00:45:09,360 --> 00:45:12,440
Speaker 1: or anything like that. And now I'm like, thank you,

801
00:45:12,600 --> 00:45:14,520
Speaker 1: Universe for doing for me what I could not do

802
00:45:14,600 --> 00:45:16,480
Speaker 1: for myself, and that is well, it's really hard to

803
00:45:16,520 --> 00:45:19,120
Speaker 1: see that it was like a flaw with him and

804
00:45:19,200 --> 00:45:23,680
Speaker 1: not a flaw with you right moment to sex. I

805
00:45:23,719 --> 00:45:28,520
Speaker 1: think that's always the case, especially if there's other people involved.

806
00:45:28,520 --> 00:45:31,600
Speaker 1: It feels very much about you and not being enough.

807
00:45:31,719 --> 00:45:35,000
Speaker 1: And the truth is is usually if people are cheating,

808
00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:38,360
Speaker 1: it actually is about them, you know, if there's anything

809
00:45:38,400 --> 00:45:43,680
Speaker 1: else going on, it's usually about something in them. Um,

810
00:45:43,719 --> 00:45:47,040
Speaker 1: not something in you, not always, but like you know

811
00:45:47,480 --> 00:45:51,720
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Um, Okay, Now let's move into fears

812
00:45:51,719 --> 00:45:53,480
Speaker 1: of dating, because there's a lot under this one. This

813
00:45:53,560 --> 00:45:55,919
Speaker 1: is just in general and they're kind of all over

814
00:45:55,960 --> 00:45:59,800
Speaker 1: the place, but this one comes from Mary. She said

815
00:46:00,280 --> 00:46:03,560
Speaker 1: her biggest fear is that she's recovering from love addiction

816
00:46:03,640 --> 00:46:06,800
Speaker 1: and she's trying to date again. It's so hard and scary.

817
00:46:10,440 --> 00:46:13,600
Speaker 1: Do you have any thoughts, because obviously I can speak

818
00:46:13,640 --> 00:46:15,400
Speaker 1: to this one a lot. I mean, I don't know

819
00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:18,040
Speaker 1: that I've ever suffered from love addiction. So I think

820
00:46:18,080 --> 00:46:20,760
Speaker 1: I'm gonna like volley this one over to you because

821
00:46:21,400 --> 00:46:29,480
Speaker 1: this is you're getting your PhD in it, lucky me. Um.

822
00:46:30,239 --> 00:46:32,560
Speaker 1: I hate the word love addiction. It's something I've like

823
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:37,120
Speaker 1: struggled with a lot. I've had a therapist Jody White

824
00:46:37,200 --> 00:46:39,520
Speaker 1: on this podcast a lot who specializes in love addiction.

825
00:46:39,560 --> 00:46:44,120
Speaker 1: She's also in recovery from love addiction herself, and um,

826
00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:46,440
Speaker 1: she and I talked about that, like the word addiction

827
00:46:46,560 --> 00:46:50,879
Speaker 1: in general feels really dick and when you're talking about

828
00:46:50,920 --> 00:46:54,080
Speaker 1: it over something like love or sex, something that like,

829
00:46:55,080 --> 00:46:56,920
Speaker 1: you know, it's not like alcoholic. You don't just like

830
00:46:57,080 --> 00:46:59,600
Speaker 1: stop drinking and this is done. Let love is a

831
00:46:59,600 --> 00:47:01,680
Speaker 1: part of our lives. Hopefully sex is a part of

832
00:47:01,680 --> 00:47:03,480
Speaker 1: our lives, just like food. If you're in like an

833
00:47:03,480 --> 00:47:06,400
Speaker 1: overreaters anonymous program, it's just all feels a little different

834
00:47:06,440 --> 00:47:08,600
Speaker 1: because you need these things for survival, like these are

835
00:47:08,600 --> 00:47:11,160
Speaker 1: part of being a human, And so when it gets

836
00:47:11,360 --> 00:47:17,479
Speaker 1: put into this context of addiction, it gets scary. And um,

837
00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:19,560
Speaker 1: I don't know, it's it's just it's a hard word.

838
00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:25,040
Speaker 1: But all that to say, yes, I am in recovery

839
00:47:25,040 --> 00:47:28,040
Speaker 1: for love addiction, and I have started to kind of

840
00:47:28,040 --> 00:47:30,759
Speaker 1: talk about that publicly. Um, but it is a little

841
00:47:30,800 --> 00:47:34,120
Speaker 1: bit strange still, and for me when I try to

842
00:47:34,160 --> 00:47:37,520
Speaker 1: explain it to people, it's about an attachment wounding from

843
00:47:37,520 --> 00:47:41,040
Speaker 1: my childhood, and that can come from many different things,

844
00:47:41,080 --> 00:47:46,359
Speaker 1: but in me it has programmed. Um As I picked

845
00:47:46,400 --> 00:47:49,320
Speaker 1: people who are emotionally unavailable, and then when they can't

846
00:47:49,480 --> 00:47:53,040
Speaker 1: meet me emotionally where I need to, I get really

847
00:47:53,160 --> 00:47:56,319
Speaker 1: hooked into this cycle of trying to get them to

848
00:47:56,440 --> 00:47:59,319
Speaker 1: be able to do that. And so it's a very

849
00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:03,040
Speaker 1: toxic cicle of like this push pole dynamic where and

850
00:48:03,120 --> 00:48:05,959
Speaker 1: it can become like emotionally abusive as well, but it's

851
00:48:06,360 --> 00:48:09,959
Speaker 1: it's this you know, they're available to me, whether it's

852
00:48:10,160 --> 00:48:12,240
Speaker 1: love bombing, which it can be a lot of times

853
00:48:12,239 --> 00:48:15,239
Speaker 1: in this kind of cycle UM, or they're just trying

854
00:48:15,280 --> 00:48:18,400
Speaker 1: to get me in the relationship whatever, and then I

855
00:48:18,440 --> 00:48:21,319
Speaker 1: get hooked into however they are doing that, but it's

856
00:48:21,320 --> 00:48:24,399
Speaker 1: not something that can be maintained consistently, and so I'm

857
00:48:24,560 --> 00:48:29,440
Speaker 1: constantly chasing this little version of whatever I got the

858
00:48:29,520 --> 00:48:32,319
Speaker 1: taste of at the beginning of the relationship or when

859
00:48:32,320 --> 00:48:35,400
Speaker 1: things were really good, and um, like I said earlier,

860
00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:39,320
Speaker 1: it can look like me abandoning myself to fit into

861
00:48:39,360 --> 00:48:42,359
Speaker 1: some mold to be able to keep the relationship. UM.

862
00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:45,440
Speaker 1: I got to the place in the last couple of

863
00:48:45,480 --> 00:48:47,360
Speaker 1: years where it was just like I couldn't function. I

864
00:48:47,440 --> 00:48:51,280
Speaker 1: was so in my own addiction of this stuff, and uh,

865
00:48:51,320 --> 00:48:54,200
Speaker 1: what the recovery process looks like with that is it's

866
00:48:54,440 --> 00:48:58,680
Speaker 1: literally a chemical withdrawal. And you've seen me now, that

867
00:48:58,840 --> 00:49:02,400
Speaker 1: is what I've been going through, and it is fucking terrible.

868
00:49:02,680 --> 00:49:06,160
Speaker 1: It's hard as ship. I've read so many articles about

869
00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:09,840
Speaker 1: it being harder than coming out of a heroin withdrawal,

870
00:49:09,960 --> 00:49:12,920
Speaker 1: like because chemically our body gets so wired to the

871
00:49:12,960 --> 00:49:17,920
Speaker 1: dopamine and um oxytocin. I believe the hits you were

872
00:49:17,960 --> 00:49:20,759
Speaker 1: getting that you're just changing. You Just letting go of

873
00:49:20,800 --> 00:49:22,960
Speaker 1: that is really hard because it also feels like you're

874
00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:26,319
Speaker 1: going to fucking die without it, Like getting out of this,

875
00:49:26,880 --> 00:49:32,680
Speaker 1: you know, dynamic can feel like I'm gonna die, Like

876
00:49:32,800 --> 00:49:35,240
Speaker 1: it can feel like that to me because as a child,

877
00:49:35,400 --> 00:49:39,600
Speaker 1: if you're abandoned, you will die like you wouldn't have food,

878
00:49:39,640 --> 00:49:41,360
Speaker 1: you wouldn't have shelter, you wouldn't have any of the

879
00:49:41,360 --> 00:49:44,479
Speaker 1: stuff you need to survive. And so if we don't

880
00:49:44,520 --> 00:49:47,960
Speaker 1: heal those wounds from wherever they came from and from

881
00:49:48,000 --> 00:49:52,080
Speaker 1: whatever reason, for whatever reason, that our attachment needs weren't met,

882
00:49:52,880 --> 00:49:57,080
Speaker 1: um we bring it into adult life and feeling abandoned

883
00:49:57,480 --> 00:50:01,880
Speaker 1: can feel like the most detrimental thing to your own survival,

884
00:50:01,960 --> 00:50:03,759
Speaker 1: and so you do whatever you can to hold onto

885
00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:07,319
Speaker 1: it until it becomes addictive. So all of that to say,

886
00:50:07,440 --> 00:50:09,920
Speaker 1: for anyone who has not you know, heard about law

887
00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:12,239
Speaker 1: of addiction, that is what it look can look like.

888
00:50:12,280 --> 00:50:15,600
Speaker 1: There's a lot of different versions of this. UM. I

889
00:50:15,600 --> 00:50:18,319
Speaker 1: hate using word disease either, but of this stuff. And

890
00:50:18,400 --> 00:50:20,400
Speaker 1: so everyone's story looks a little different. But when you

891
00:50:20,400 --> 00:50:22,480
Speaker 1: get into a recovery program or you're working with a

892
00:50:22,560 --> 00:50:26,120
Speaker 1: therapist on this stuff. Uh, you know, there's a twelve

893
00:50:26,160 --> 00:50:28,279
Speaker 1: step part of it too, if you want to do

894
00:50:28,320 --> 00:50:32,000
Speaker 1: it that way. But UM, it is interesting because you

895
00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:39,440
Speaker 1: go back into your initial abandonment wounds or attachment needs

896
00:50:39,480 --> 00:50:41,000
Speaker 1: and all of these things. And so you're doing all

897
00:50:41,000 --> 00:50:43,799
Speaker 1: of this old trauma work and uncovering all these things

898
00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:47,439
Speaker 1: about you, um, and within that you're also laying down

899
00:50:47,520 --> 00:50:50,000
Speaker 1: maybe some of the medicators that you've used, whether it's

900
00:50:50,040 --> 00:50:53,759
Speaker 1: like constantly having someone in the wings or whether it's

901
00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:56,279
Speaker 1: constantly needing to be in a relationship. You know, like,

902
00:50:56,320 --> 00:50:57,719
Speaker 1: I don't know what it looks like for everyone. It

903
00:50:57,719 --> 00:51:01,520
Speaker 1: looks different for everyone's stuff. But you're laying that down.

904
00:51:01,520 --> 00:51:03,160
Speaker 1: For me, it looks like I need to lay alcohol

905
00:51:03,160 --> 00:51:04,920
Speaker 1: down right now so that I can have a clear head.

906
00:51:05,080 --> 00:51:10,239
Speaker 1: I need to um meditate every day twice, like I

907
00:51:10,320 --> 00:51:12,960
Speaker 1: need to do all these steps and and so it's

908
00:51:12,960 --> 00:51:15,040
Speaker 1: a process and it's a lot of healing, and then

909
00:51:15,040 --> 00:51:18,240
Speaker 1: you get to a certain place where you can create

910
00:51:18,280 --> 00:51:20,600
Speaker 1: like a dating plan. But you're going into dating and

911
00:51:20,640 --> 00:51:23,400
Speaker 1: like we said last week on the Alcohol Podcast, without

912
00:51:23,480 --> 00:51:26,719
Speaker 1: your typical barriers, you know, like, what is it going

913
00:51:26,760 --> 00:51:29,480
Speaker 1: to look like to date without alcohol? I'm so like,

914
00:51:29,600 --> 00:51:33,239
Speaker 1: oh my fucking god, um or was it going to

915
00:51:33,320 --> 00:51:35,800
Speaker 1: look like to not to have boundaries when the first

916
00:51:35,880 --> 00:51:40,760
Speaker 1: date and take it really slow? And it's just really

917
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:43,880
Speaker 1: fucking vulnerable. So with Mary with her question, I'm like,

918
00:51:44,040 --> 00:51:47,000
Speaker 1: oh my god, if you're actually starting the dating process

919
00:51:47,440 --> 00:51:51,520
Speaker 1: and coming out of love addiction, um one, it's something

920
00:51:51,560 --> 00:51:53,279
Speaker 1: you live with your whole life, so it doesn't just

921
00:51:53,320 --> 00:51:56,200
Speaker 1: like go away. And so I would be I anticipate

922
00:51:56,239 --> 00:52:00,839
Speaker 1: that I'll be really nervous about getting reactive added into it,

923
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:02,799
Speaker 1: you know, and like picking the same kind of part

924
00:52:03,080 --> 00:52:04,880
Speaker 1: partner and doing the same kind of cycle, and like

925
00:52:04,960 --> 00:52:06,920
Speaker 1: I'm so scared of that and because I know what

926
00:52:07,000 --> 00:52:10,400
Speaker 1: it brings to my life and I don't want that um,

927
00:52:10,520 --> 00:52:13,480
Speaker 1: And I think it would be really scary too, because

928
00:52:13,520 --> 00:52:16,080
Speaker 1: of the unknown that I just mentioned, like she's probably

929
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:19,919
Speaker 1: never dated in a place of recovery or coming from

930
00:52:19,920 --> 00:52:24,560
Speaker 1: a place of being in her healthy self, and so

931
00:52:24,640 --> 00:52:27,600
Speaker 1: there's a lot of stuff like holding boundaries that it's

932
00:52:27,680 --> 00:52:30,120
Speaker 1: just not really easy if you come from a place

933
00:52:30,160 --> 00:52:34,960
Speaker 1: where you didn't get your needs met in an attachment way,

934
00:52:35,000 --> 00:52:38,800
Speaker 1: and so you might let go of your boundaries to

935
00:52:38,840 --> 00:52:43,040
Speaker 1: be able to maintain relationships and so away. Well, I mean,

936
00:52:43,719 --> 00:52:46,280
Speaker 1: I don't know if this isn't necessarily a case for everybody,

937
00:52:46,320 --> 00:52:49,160
Speaker 1: because it doesn't you know, I don't know if Mary's

938
00:52:49,200 --> 00:52:52,200
Speaker 1: drinking or not, but um, particularly for you, I mean

939
00:52:52,280 --> 00:52:57,080
Speaker 1: it's like, do you foresee UM needing to lead? Like

940
00:52:57,440 --> 00:53:00,360
Speaker 1: maybe it is, like it's say, if you're doing it mine,

941
00:53:00,480 --> 00:53:03,600
Speaker 1: because that's how people date these days. You're setting up profiles,

942
00:53:03,640 --> 00:53:08,080
Speaker 1: like do you think putting things in like sober or

943
00:53:08,160 --> 00:53:11,120
Speaker 1: like don't drink, like those sorts of things will help

944
00:53:11,200 --> 00:53:14,480
Speaker 1: sort of like weed out some of the bullshit because

945
00:53:14,480 --> 00:53:18,000
Speaker 1: if someone if if someone who's looking for you on

946
00:53:18,040 --> 00:53:22,960
Speaker 1: the other end also says sober. They've either made a

947
00:53:23,080 --> 00:53:28,000
Speaker 1: choice or um to never drink or have worked through

948
00:53:28,080 --> 00:53:33,600
Speaker 1: something to recover um what whether it's alcoholism or love

949
00:53:33,640 --> 00:53:38,200
Speaker 1: addiction or whatever it is, alcohol was a crutch that

950
00:53:38,239 --> 00:53:40,279
Speaker 1: they work through and got out of their lives. So

951
00:53:40,360 --> 00:53:45,640
Speaker 1: it shows that they've put in work, they've invested in themselves.

952
00:53:46,360 --> 00:53:51,640
Speaker 1: So it gives like I think you have to be

953
00:53:51,760 --> 00:53:55,920
Speaker 1: vulnerable enough to like put those markers and whatever your

954
00:53:55,920 --> 00:53:59,799
Speaker 1: profile is, or you know, if your friends are trying

955
00:53:59,800 --> 00:54:01,600
Speaker 1: to reduce you to somebody, if that's the route that

956
00:54:01,640 --> 00:54:02,879
Speaker 1: you want to go, you have to be like, look,

957
00:54:02,920 --> 00:54:05,040
Speaker 1: I don't want to date anybody that drinks. I don't

958
00:54:05,080 --> 00:54:07,440
Speaker 1: need the distraction right now. I want to know that

959
00:54:07,480 --> 00:54:13,480
Speaker 1: someone has the personal strength to overcome whatever they needed

960
00:54:13,480 --> 00:54:15,960
Speaker 1: to overcome. And then maybe you're going to meet somebody

961
00:54:15,960 --> 00:54:19,360
Speaker 1: who's in a like, maybe not the same exact journey issue,

962
00:54:19,400 --> 00:54:23,920
Speaker 1: but on a journey um, which increases the likelihood of

963
00:54:23,920 --> 00:54:26,919
Speaker 1: it maybe actually working this time, right, And I think

964
00:54:27,000 --> 00:54:30,000
Speaker 1: that is like you know, I've told you before, I

965
00:54:30,080 --> 00:54:33,400
Speaker 1: really can't even think about dating right now, getting massive,

966
00:54:33,480 --> 00:54:34,920
Speaker 1: like I want to throw up, Like when you just

967
00:54:34,920 --> 00:54:38,080
Speaker 1: said dating app, I'm like, oh God, Like I can't

968
00:54:38,080 --> 00:54:42,880
Speaker 1: even think about making a profile without wanting to vomit. Um,

969
00:54:42,960 --> 00:54:46,480
Speaker 1: So I'm definitely not ready right well, your body, your

970
00:54:46,480 --> 00:54:50,200
Speaker 1: body knows, Yeah, my body knows. And so I haven't

971
00:54:50,239 --> 00:54:52,920
Speaker 1: even my friends and we don't even talk about who

972
00:54:52,960 --> 00:54:54,520
Speaker 1: I'm going to date next, like it's just not even

973
00:54:54,560 --> 00:54:57,800
Speaker 1: on the table right now. But I will say I

974
00:54:58,440 --> 00:55:02,239
Speaker 1: have thoughts to myself, um, what my needs would be.

975
00:55:02,360 --> 00:55:04,399
Speaker 1: And like I said in the last podcast, I don't

976
00:55:04,440 --> 00:55:06,759
Speaker 1: really know what this journey with drinking is for me.

977
00:55:06,920 --> 00:55:08,960
Speaker 1: I just know I can't do it right now because

978
00:55:08,960 --> 00:55:13,040
Speaker 1: it wasn't helping me heal and it wasn't bringing um

979
00:55:13,280 --> 00:55:16,600
Speaker 1: clarity that I need to my head to be able

980
00:55:16,680 --> 00:55:19,759
Speaker 1: to get out of toxic cycles that I was doing

981
00:55:19,760 --> 00:55:22,759
Speaker 1: with myself. Even it's just like I have to have

982
00:55:22,800 --> 00:55:25,560
Speaker 1: clarity right now, and so you know, maybe in the

983
00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:28,040
Speaker 1: future I have a better relationship where I'm not medicating

984
00:55:28,040 --> 00:55:31,400
Speaker 1: with alcohol and that can look different, which I've lived

985
00:55:31,440 --> 00:55:33,359
Speaker 1: a lot of my life that way too, and so

986
00:55:33,480 --> 00:55:35,920
Speaker 1: it's just it's hard for me to decipher what is

987
00:55:36,000 --> 00:55:38,960
Speaker 1: seasonal and what is like forever. I do feel great

988
00:55:39,160 --> 00:55:41,279
Speaker 1: and I do like this version of myself a lot

989
00:55:41,280 --> 00:55:44,160
Speaker 1: more without alcohol so who knows, Maybe I'll stick with

990
00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:46,799
Speaker 1: it forever, but I don't. With that said, I do

991
00:55:46,920 --> 00:55:49,960
Speaker 1: think you're right in that I need to be in

992
00:55:49,960 --> 00:55:54,719
Speaker 1: a relationship where the other person also is on their

993
00:55:54,800 --> 00:55:59,400
Speaker 1: own healing journey, and I, um, I don't know what

994
00:55:59,480 --> 00:56:01,440
Speaker 1: it looks like or why they would be on that journey,

995
00:56:01,480 --> 00:56:03,800
Speaker 1: and I think that that is where it can be different.

996
00:56:03,800 --> 00:56:05,759
Speaker 1: It doesn't have to look exactly like mine. But I

997
00:56:05,800 --> 00:56:07,439
Speaker 1: need to be able to trust that, you know, they

998
00:56:07,520 --> 00:56:12,279
Speaker 1: have an awareness or the self awareness, um, you know,

999
00:56:12,320 --> 00:56:16,719
Speaker 1: within themselves to where I'm not having to overcompensate or

1000
00:56:16,880 --> 00:56:19,439
Speaker 1: I'm not the only one that's quote unquote fucked up

1001
00:56:19,440 --> 00:56:22,040
Speaker 1: and doing this work like that, Just that won't work,

1002
00:56:22,080 --> 00:56:24,279
Speaker 1: and I will not be able to stay in a

1003
00:56:24,360 --> 00:56:28,759
Speaker 1: sober mindset in that dynamic. I won't. And so that's

1004
00:56:28,760 --> 00:56:30,960
Speaker 1: what I was saying earlier about my big fear being like,

1005
00:56:31,000 --> 00:56:35,000
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm gonna be alone forever because who

1006
00:56:35,000 --> 00:56:37,040
Speaker 1: else is doing this ship? But I'm sure there are

1007
00:56:37,080 --> 00:56:40,600
Speaker 1: people I just don't know. There's we're just not looking

1008
00:56:40,640 --> 00:56:42,920
Speaker 1: for them right now. Well, I haven't been right and

1009
00:56:43,000 --> 00:56:46,160
Speaker 1: so it's just overwhelming. But the only answer I would

1010
00:56:46,200 --> 00:56:48,279
Speaker 1: have for Mary with all of that, this is the

1011
00:56:48,320 --> 00:56:50,719
Speaker 1: long way to get to this is uh, you know,

1012
00:56:50,760 --> 00:56:53,400
Speaker 1: it's just like what my sponsor keeps saying to me,

1013
00:56:53,440 --> 00:56:56,719
Speaker 1: it's one day at a time and like literally we

1014
00:56:56,800 --> 00:56:58,279
Speaker 1: just have to keep putting one ft in front of

1015
00:56:58,320 --> 00:57:02,480
Speaker 1: the other, breathed the next right step. And also, like

1016
00:57:03,280 --> 00:57:07,000
Speaker 1: something I've been telling myself a lot is I have

1017
00:57:07,040 --> 00:57:10,040
Speaker 1: a higher power. I believe everybody does whatever it is

1018
00:57:10,080 --> 00:57:11,839
Speaker 1: for you, if it's God, if it's a Buddha, if

1019
00:57:11,920 --> 00:57:15,360
Speaker 1: it's you know whatever. Um, but I believe that you know,

1020
00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:17,400
Speaker 1: it's the universe, if it's a star, if it's a tree,

1021
00:57:17,480 --> 00:57:20,160
Speaker 1: I don't know, you have some sort of higher power.

1022
00:57:20,200 --> 00:57:24,600
Speaker 1: And the biggest problem that I get myself into is

1023
00:57:24,960 --> 00:57:28,880
Speaker 1: when I try to control everything, the outcomes, the way

1024
00:57:28,920 --> 00:57:32,280
Speaker 1: my life maps out, and I just believe that it

1025
00:57:32,480 --> 00:57:34,680
Speaker 1: is already mapped out. And this is another thing Marv

1026
00:57:34,800 --> 00:57:36,800
Speaker 1: says to me, is like you just have to keep

1027
00:57:36,840 --> 00:57:40,680
Speaker 1: showing up. The plan is already my mom's calling. She

1028
00:57:40,800 --> 00:57:47,120
Speaker 1: must have um you know, it's it's already mapped out.

1029
00:57:47,280 --> 00:57:49,200
Speaker 1: And so we just got to keep showing up. And

1030
00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:52,760
Speaker 1: I think if we're, like you said, doing the work

1031
00:57:52,760 --> 00:57:55,960
Speaker 1: on ourselves and becoming the best version of ourselves and

1032
00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:59,600
Speaker 1: loving ourselves. Hopefully the person is just going to come

1033
00:57:59,640 --> 00:58:04,200
Speaker 1: when it's the right time, and um, and you'll just

1034
00:58:04,200 --> 00:58:05,680
Speaker 1: just just I don't think you're gonna have to try

1035
00:58:05,760 --> 00:58:11,320
Speaker 1: so hard, do you know what I mean? Um? Um, well,

1036
00:58:11,400 --> 00:58:14,120
Speaker 1: I look, I also think that it's important to like

1037
00:58:15,240 --> 00:58:18,480
Speaker 1: only try when you feel like you're ready. Like, don't

1038
00:58:18,680 --> 00:58:22,480
Speaker 1: date because you feel like you have to. No, but

1039
00:58:22,560 --> 00:58:25,960
Speaker 1: that's how you become a coping Are you using seping

1040
00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:29,320
Speaker 1: mechanisms about that? Man? You have to wait until you

1041
00:58:29,360 --> 00:58:39,360
Speaker 1: feel like you're ready. But I do think in this

1042
00:58:39,400 --> 00:58:41,880
Speaker 1: stuff it could be so scary to put yourself back

1043
00:58:41,880 --> 00:58:44,560
Speaker 1: out there, and like you were saying, with vulnerability, we

1044
00:58:44,640 --> 00:58:48,640
Speaker 1: all kind of can hide. And so if you can

1045
00:58:48,760 --> 00:58:50,960
Speaker 1: take a step forward, if you've done the work and

1046
00:58:51,040 --> 00:58:53,600
Speaker 1: you are ready, I think that that's right and it's

1047
00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:55,600
Speaker 1: gonna just you just have to know, like it's just

1048
00:58:55,760 --> 00:58:58,160
Speaker 1: gonna be uncomfortable and you're probably gonna fumble through it.

1049
00:58:58,200 --> 00:59:00,280
Speaker 1: And probably the first person you meet it's not going

1050
00:59:00,280 --> 00:59:02,720
Speaker 1: to be the one you marry, you know, Like, but

1051
00:59:02,760 --> 00:59:06,160
Speaker 1: it try to enjoy dating maybe more than like I

1052
00:59:06,200 --> 00:59:08,920
Speaker 1: have a mentor who says it's a relationship, not the universe,

1053
00:59:08,920 --> 00:59:11,680
Speaker 1: and like Lord knows, I have made relationships in my universe,

1054
00:59:11,960 --> 00:59:15,920
Speaker 1: like literally in my life, they become my entire universe.

1055
00:59:16,000 --> 00:59:17,840
Speaker 1: And it doesn't serve me. I don't think it really

1056
00:59:17,840 --> 00:59:22,640
Speaker 1: serves anyone. But just remembering that, like it's dating, it

1057
00:59:22,880 --> 00:59:25,360
Speaker 1: it doesn't need to be. It means it should be fun.

1058
00:59:25,640 --> 00:59:28,720
Speaker 1: And you know, if it's not fun, obviously check into that.

1059
00:59:28,800 --> 00:59:33,280
Speaker 1: But like not revolving your whole life around if you're

1060
00:59:33,320 --> 00:59:34,880
Speaker 1: with a partner, if you have a partner, if you're

1061
00:59:34,880 --> 00:59:36,760
Speaker 1: in the perfect relationship, if you're not in a relationship,

1062
00:59:36,800 --> 00:59:41,080
Speaker 1: Like it's just like there's so much more to life totally. Yeah.

1063
00:59:41,120 --> 00:59:45,240
Speaker 1: I mean it's like I'm I when I've been on like,

1064
00:59:45,960 --> 00:59:50,920
Speaker 1: um dating kicks, I just love like meeting new people. Yeah,

1065
00:59:51,040 --> 00:59:53,680
Speaker 1: we're really good. I just yeah, I mean I could

1066
00:59:53,720 --> 00:59:56,880
Speaker 1: talk to a wall, but I, um, yeah, that is

1067
00:59:56,920 --> 00:59:58,800
Speaker 1: always fun to me. It's like I think when you

1068
00:59:58,840 --> 01:00:01,960
Speaker 1: put so much assists on the outcome that you missed

1069
01:00:01,960 --> 01:00:07,040
Speaker 1: the journey, that like that's when dating becomes like a

1070
01:00:09,280 --> 01:00:11,800
Speaker 1: laborious I'm gonna know you're gonna make fun fun of

1071
01:00:11,800 --> 01:00:14,200
Speaker 1: me for saying that word, but yeah, I mean it's

1072
01:00:14,200 --> 01:00:15,880
Speaker 1: just like it's not fun. It takes the fun out

1073
01:00:15,880 --> 01:00:18,640
Speaker 1: of it. Like if you can go into this being like, hey,

1074
01:00:18,680 --> 01:00:21,120
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be open minded and just see if like

1075
01:00:21,200 --> 01:00:24,560
Speaker 1: there's any sort of spark with this person, even if

1076
01:00:24,560 --> 01:00:27,680
Speaker 1: it's like you know what, like there wasn't a physical attraction,

1077
01:00:27,720 --> 01:00:31,240
Speaker 1: but I think you're really funny and we should hang out. Great,

1078
01:00:31,520 --> 01:00:34,400
Speaker 1: you might have a new friend. I think like we

1079
01:00:34,480 --> 01:00:39,360
Speaker 1: put so much focus on the outcome that we forget

1080
01:00:39,400 --> 01:00:42,240
Speaker 1: about the journey. And you know, I think there are

1081
01:00:42,280 --> 01:00:44,400
Speaker 1: things in our lives that like we do need to

1082
01:00:44,520 --> 01:00:47,600
Speaker 1: envision the outcome so that we're not like worried about

1083
01:00:47,640 --> 01:00:50,640
Speaker 1: the journey, like you know, like oh my god, I

1084
01:00:50,640 --> 01:00:54,360
Speaker 1: can't I'm never gonna I'm never gonna own a house

1085
01:00:54,640 --> 01:00:56,440
Speaker 1: because I have to do all of these things. No,

1086
01:00:56,720 --> 01:00:59,920
Speaker 1: envision yourself owning a house and then let the journey unfull.

1087
01:01:00,640 --> 01:01:02,800
Speaker 1: But I think when it comes to dating and love,

1088
01:01:02,920 --> 01:01:06,439
Speaker 1: like you can't, like if your goal on every date

1089
01:01:06,600 --> 01:01:10,280
Speaker 1: is I need to marry this person, you've shot yourself

1090
01:01:10,320 --> 01:01:13,480
Speaker 1: in the foot. Um. I think it's like the goal

1091
01:01:13,520 --> 01:01:16,320
Speaker 1: should just be for me each date, Like I'm gonna

1092
01:01:16,320 --> 01:01:17,920
Speaker 1: go in here with an open mind and see if

1093
01:01:17,920 --> 01:01:23,320
Speaker 1: there's any sort of connection, and if there's not, that's okay, um,

1094
01:01:23,360 --> 01:01:26,360
Speaker 1: because ultimately you're going to work through enough people where

1095
01:01:26,360 --> 01:01:30,880
Speaker 1: you're gonna find that smark um. And if if your

1096
01:01:30,960 --> 01:01:33,880
Speaker 1: expectations are such that, like you got to marry the

1097
01:01:33,920 --> 01:01:35,800
Speaker 1: first person you're gonna go on a date with, like,

1098
01:01:35,880 --> 01:01:39,400
Speaker 1: and it doesn't work, then you're feeding into your own fears,

1099
01:01:40,000 --> 01:01:45,440
Speaker 1: Like you're fueling that fire. Let's go to Terry. She said.

1100
01:01:46,000 --> 01:01:49,080
Speaker 1: My biggest fear is trying to figure out who is authentic.

1101
01:01:49,240 --> 01:01:53,400
Speaker 1: It stresses me out. I have this fear personally about

1102
01:01:53,480 --> 01:01:59,040
Speaker 1: dating apps. Um, Like how because I'm such a intuitive

1103
01:01:59,160 --> 01:02:02,640
Speaker 1: energy person in that I'm so nervous about apps for

1104
01:02:02,680 --> 01:02:07,520
Speaker 1: the reason of like, oh god, it's texting or it's messaging,

1105
01:02:07,600 --> 01:02:10,280
Speaker 1: Like how do you know if someone's authentic or not?

1106
01:02:10,440 --> 01:02:12,800
Speaker 1: Like what's that? What is that about? Chip? Do you do?

1107
01:02:12,840 --> 01:02:15,800
Speaker 1: You struggle with that on apps? Yeah? Well, I mean

1108
01:02:15,840 --> 01:02:18,200
Speaker 1: I'll play Devil's advocate a little bit, Like I think

1109
01:02:18,240 --> 01:02:20,520
Speaker 1: you're absolutely I think you're absolutely right. I think that

1110
01:02:20,880 --> 01:02:24,240
Speaker 1: you know, in any situation, we people want to put

1111
01:02:24,280 --> 01:02:26,920
Speaker 1: the best version of themselves forward. I think it happens

1112
01:02:26,960 --> 01:02:32,000
Speaker 1: on you know, social media apps too, you know, like, um,

1113
01:02:32,080 --> 01:02:36,120
Speaker 1: but I also think that Mike, Um, if you can

1114
01:02:36,200 --> 01:02:40,680
Speaker 1: like take the skeptic out of yourself for a second. Um,

1115
01:02:40,760 --> 01:02:44,320
Speaker 1: there's a lot that people that can There's the dating apps.

1116
01:02:44,360 --> 01:02:46,680
Speaker 1: There's a beautiful way that people can reveal a little

1117
01:02:46,680 --> 01:02:50,440
Speaker 1: bit about themselves too. That is so much more clear

1118
01:02:50,520 --> 01:02:52,280
Speaker 1: than when a hot guy walks up to you at

1119
01:02:52,280 --> 01:02:56,840
Speaker 1: a bar, because all you get there is like that

1120
01:02:58,080 --> 01:03:02,320
Speaker 1: the package and unless they say something really charming and

1121
01:03:02,400 --> 01:03:05,080
Speaker 1: so I mean for me, I always try to look

1122
01:03:05,120 --> 01:03:08,200
Speaker 1: for some humor, um because I feel like it levels

1123
01:03:08,240 --> 01:03:11,160
Speaker 1: the playing field. Um, and it can be a little

1124
01:03:11,200 --> 01:03:13,920
Speaker 1: like disarming and it sort of takes like the pressure

1125
01:03:13,920 --> 01:03:16,200
Speaker 1: out of the room. Like if someone has like a

1126
01:03:16,320 --> 01:03:19,200
Speaker 1: nice joke or like something that makes them seem like

1127
01:03:19,240 --> 01:03:23,000
Speaker 1: they're not taking it too seriously that I'm like, okay,

1128
01:03:23,080 --> 01:03:27,640
Speaker 1: I can get on board with that. Um so um.

1129
01:03:27,680 --> 01:03:30,800
Speaker 1: But yeah, I'm it's we all have the skeptic in us.

1130
01:03:30,840 --> 01:03:34,480
Speaker 1: And I do think that like, you know, a lot

1131
01:03:34,520 --> 01:03:36,440
Speaker 1: of people are liars and they're just trying to get

1132
01:03:36,480 --> 01:03:37,960
Speaker 1: LAIDs and they're going to put out there what they

1133
01:03:37,960 --> 01:03:42,240
Speaker 1: want you to believe. Yeah, it's so scary. Again, I

1134
01:03:42,280 --> 01:03:46,000
Speaker 1: think this would be a thing that well, this is

1135
01:03:46,000 --> 01:03:48,280
Speaker 1: what I would tell myself, is the stronger I