1 00:00:01,720 --> 00:00:05,560 Speaker 1: Deeralana has released weekly and brought to you absolutely free. 2 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:08,039 Speaker 1: But if you want to binge the whole season right now, 3 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:12,200 Speaker 1: subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on 4 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:16,240 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season. 5 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:20,840 Speaker 1: For more information, check out the show notes. Enjoy the episode. 6 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:27,480 Speaker 2: The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or 7 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:30,120 Speaker 2: someone you know is in need of help, please contact 8 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:33,200 Speaker 2: the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight. 9 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,640 Speaker 2: Listener discretion is advised. 10 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:41,479 Speaker 3: What's time, Judy, do? 11 00:00:42,320 --> 00:01:00,240 Speaker 4: Look around? Shine? 12 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:07,280 Speaker 1: I grew up around girls. I have a sister, Margaret, 13 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,640 Speaker 1: and my closest friends were my female cousins, Sharon and Vivian. 14 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:15,080 Speaker 1: We chase each other around the house, shrieking, playing Nintendo incessantly, 15 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:19,280 Speaker 1: and as you heard re enact The Little Mermaid. I 16 00:01:19,319 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 1: was obsessed with this movie. I'm like six or seven. 17 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:25,480 Speaker 1: It's the first film I've ever seen in theaters, and 18 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:30,440 Speaker 1: I'm riveted by this redheaded mermaid. And I also know 19 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:33,600 Speaker 1: that that's not something I should be proud of, not 20 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,240 Speaker 1: because anyone sits me down to tell me that. But 21 00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:38,640 Speaker 1: I just pick up that like most other boys my 22 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,520 Speaker 1: age are not singing to the Little Mermaid. They're outside 23 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:46,360 Speaker 1: playing baseball, soccer, hockey. I grew up in Toronto in 24 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,960 Speaker 1: the eighties and nineties, and as a Chinese immigrant family, 25 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 1: we didn't have access to, say hockey, it's a really 26 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:56,720 Speaker 1: expensive sport, so at recess, I have no idea how 27 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,680 Speaker 1: to play what the boys are playing, and I play 28 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:01,880 Speaker 1: with the girls. After a while, that just created more 29 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:05,800 Speaker 1: bullying from the boys. They kick balls at me and 30 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:11,639 Speaker 1: would laugh when I ducked out of the way. One 31 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:15,560 Speaker 1: of my earliest memories is me on the schoolyard during recess. 32 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:20,520 Speaker 1: It's winter. My recess activity in frigid Canada is cracking 33 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:23,560 Speaker 1: the ice puddles, waiting desperately for the bell to ring. 34 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:29,000 Speaker 1: I'm feeling so so lonely. Everyone else is off playing together, 35 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:32,560 Speaker 1: skipping rope or playing ball hockey, and it seems like 36 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:35,200 Speaker 1: the only friend I can talk to as I'm poking 37 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:38,960 Speaker 1: the ice with my boot is God. God is the 38 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:42,360 Speaker 1: only one who understands me, the only one who cares, 39 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,960 Speaker 1: who sticks around. And this is such a deep memory 40 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:49,320 Speaker 1: because it's cemented in me who God was and helped 41 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:58,359 Speaker 1: me survive from tenderfoot TV. I'm Simon kent Fung. This 42 00:02:58,919 --> 00:03:10,440 Speaker 1: is Dear Alana Part two. Father, Oh my god, I 43 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:15,600 Speaker 1: can't understand. I'm with Joyce, Alana's mother, who has so 44 00:03:15,639 --> 00:03:18,400 Speaker 1: many unanswered questions about Alana's suicide. 45 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:23,440 Speaker 5: It was a thirteen that she started suffering. Did you 46 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:23,960 Speaker 5: help that. 47 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:30,840 Speaker 6: I was severely depressed and had suicidal ideation probably at 48 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:33,480 Speaker 6: the age of nine. 49 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:34,079 Speaker 3: You know. 50 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,920 Speaker 7: You thought that because of thinking you were. 51 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:42,520 Speaker 6: No, it was because I was. I was bullied a lot. Oh, 52 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:46,240 Speaker 6: and I never felt like I belonged, and yeah, I 53 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,200 Speaker 6: think I just remember even we moved to a new 54 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,040 Speaker 6: neighborhood and a new school, and I started a new school, 55 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,240 Speaker 6: and you know this was like in third grade, the 56 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:57,640 Speaker 6: first day they make you do an all about me thing. 57 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,680 Speaker 6: I remember, even at that age I must have been 58 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:02,840 Speaker 6: what eight years old? My all about me was like, 59 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:05,800 Speaker 6: what are people that I think about me? What is 60 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:10,160 Speaker 6: the most acceptable hobby? Because anything that would have liked 61 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,000 Speaker 6: I would have been I had fun of, you know. 62 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,920 Speaker 6: So I remember writing like baseball and like me really 63 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,080 Speaker 6: it wasn't Yeah, and I like I really like watching 64 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:21,680 Speaker 6: didn't like things like this and likes are so mean? 65 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,360 Speaker 5: Yeah, So do you think Is that how you found God? 66 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:32,279 Speaker 6: Yeah, I remember being really depressed. My parents didn't know this, 67 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,880 Speaker 6: but I would. I would sleep a lot. That's how 68 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:38,760 Speaker 6: I experienced it initially. And then I remember finding quotes 69 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:42,560 Speaker 6: from Bible and really just there was one passage from 70 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,200 Speaker 6: Saint Paul when he talks about. 71 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:45,280 Speaker 1: When I'm weak, then I am. 72 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:48,240 Speaker 6: Strong, and when I'm small and I'm big, And I 73 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:52,520 Speaker 6: remember just feeling like God is the only like in 74 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:56,120 Speaker 6: my life. Yeah that understands and will care. 75 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:59,960 Speaker 5: And so Richie found on your olympause. 76 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:04,440 Speaker 1: Alana got really into church on her own too, but 77 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,600 Speaker 1: I'm still not sure why she was drawn to it 78 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:09,359 Speaker 1: at such an early age. I don't get the sense 79 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,680 Speaker 1: that she was bullied like me as a kid. In fact, 80 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:16,039 Speaker 1: Joyce tells me that Alana had many friends, and it 81 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:19,560 Speaker 1: doesn't take long until she introduces me to Joy. Not Joyce, 82 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:22,000 Speaker 1: but Joy, one of Alana's oldest friends. 83 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:26,080 Speaker 8: So Alana and I met on the first day of kindergarten. 84 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:29,720 Speaker 8: We went to Fireside Elementary. So yeah, I've known her 85 00:05:29,839 --> 00:05:30,400 Speaker 8: my whole life. 86 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,680 Speaker 1: It feels like it's windy on this bright fall day, 87 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,719 Speaker 1: and Joy is dressed in layers with her blonde hair 88 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 1: in a bun. We meet at Davidson Mesa, one of 89 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:43,040 Speaker 1: their favorite places to hike. I can see the appeal. 90 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,920 Speaker 1: It's a huge open area with wide views of the 91 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:50,000 Speaker 1: rocky mountains, a paved looped trail. It's a great place 92 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:53,160 Speaker 1: to clear your head or have a conversation with a friend. 93 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:57,520 Speaker 8: We would go at night a lot, or at sunset. 94 00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:01,200 Speaker 8: She shared a lot of different We shared a lot 95 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:05,240 Speaker 8: of different things with each other on those walks. So 96 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:09,240 Speaker 8: Alana had this big tattoo on her ribcage of Jesus 97 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,960 Speaker 8: on the cross, and like when we were walking here 98 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,320 Speaker 8: was the first time she showed it to me, and 99 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:15,799 Speaker 8: she like hadn't told her parents. 100 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,640 Speaker 1: I asked her what her earliest memories of Alana were. 101 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:26,680 Speaker 8: She was so much fun, so playful and curious and kind. 102 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,280 Speaker 8: We loved to like have sleepovers and we made all 103 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:34,800 Speaker 8: these videos of ourselves giggling and like jumping on the trampoline. 104 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,839 Speaker 8: She had, you know, sisters, so I only had brothers. 105 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,760 Speaker 8: They had all these clothes in their house, all these 106 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:43,200 Speaker 8: girls clothes. We would dress up, and Carissa will dress 107 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,280 Speaker 8: us up and do our makeup. She made me look 108 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,039 Speaker 8: like Shirley Temple one. 109 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:51,160 Speaker 1: Time, Alana Enjoy have a scrap book that they created, 110 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,520 Speaker 1: and they had this tradition of passing the book back 111 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:56,960 Speaker 1: and forth on big occasions like birthdays, and taking turns 112 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,680 Speaker 1: writing a new entry, adding a new picture or memory 113 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,680 Speaker 1: to the ages. Joy brought the book with her and 114 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,000 Speaker 1: she opens up the front cover. 115 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:09,160 Speaker 8: She says, well, I don't actually remember the day we met, 116 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:12,840 Speaker 8: so bye, just kidding, but seriously, I don't remember, but 117 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,200 Speaker 8: it happened probably the first day of kindergarten. It must 118 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,000 Speaker 8: have been fate that we met that day. Since we're 119 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:20,000 Speaker 8: still friends today, I guess this doesn't count as a memory, 120 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:22,160 Speaker 8: but it was still a very important date and I'm 121 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:22,880 Speaker 8: glad it happened. 122 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:26,200 Speaker 1: She turns the page, passed a photo of a maybe 123 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:29,480 Speaker 1: six year old Halna looking wistfully next to Joy, who's 124 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:30,440 Speaker 1: mugging to the camera. 125 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,920 Speaker 8: This is a classic story. She tried to comfort me 126 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,000 Speaker 8: and then I gave her the flu. 127 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,440 Speaker 1: And she's drawing these little school drawing friender hat each one. 128 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,240 Speaker 8: Yes, so there's a stistic figure on this. One says cough, 129 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:47,960 Speaker 8: and then hers says, don't worry, you'll get better. There 130 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:52,440 Speaker 8: was a day I told her my crush. 131 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,240 Speaker 1: The scrap book is thick, and we see Alana and 132 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,440 Speaker 1: Joy through the years becoming teenagers. 133 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,000 Speaker 8: When someone would have a breakup, she would, you know, 134 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:01,720 Speaker 8: be all in on. We played game called we called 135 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,560 Speaker 8: it that He's a loser game and everyone would just 136 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,840 Speaker 8: say things about this X and then we'd say he's 137 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:14,080 Speaker 8: a loser. It's really mature, nonproductive, but you know she 138 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,200 Speaker 8: wasn't above any of it. 139 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,640 Speaker 1: We turned the page to a picture of Alana in 140 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:18,600 Speaker 1: a sports uniform. 141 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:22,360 Speaker 8: So a big part of high school, I think is frisbee. 142 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:26,480 Speaker 1: She's referring to ultimate frisbee, a high intensity sport where 143 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:28,560 Speaker 1: players have to get a frisbee to an end zone 144 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,840 Speaker 1: while trying not to get intercepted along the way. The 145 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:35,240 Speaker 1: high school ultimate frisbee team becomes one of Alana's core 146 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:38,760 Speaker 1: group of friends. This is Nie, the frisbee team captain. 147 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:43,040 Speaker 9: For me, ultimate has always been a space where like 148 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:47,040 Speaker 9: people can do whatever they want, they can really be themselves. 149 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,640 Speaker 1: It was Knee's passion for ultimate frisbee that recruited Alana 150 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,440 Speaker 1: and many others from their high school, and one song 151 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:58,080 Speaker 1: in particular really sums up their team. 152 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:03,959 Speaker 9: Pedal is a popular radio song from like the mid 153 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,960 Speaker 9: two thousands. I would say, for some reason, someone on 154 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:12,240 Speaker 9: our team wanted to turn that song into ass paddle. 155 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,920 Speaker 9: You know, we would form a circle as we would 156 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:20,080 Speaker 9: like a huddle, and someone outside of the circle would 157 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:23,160 Speaker 9: have a frisbee in their hand, and we would we 158 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:26,880 Speaker 9: would bend forward with our you know, our behind sticking out, 159 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:30,520 Speaker 9: and someone would go around and just like hit all 160 00:09:30,559 --> 00:09:33,240 Speaker 9: of our butts. Everyone in the middle would be like 161 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:37,160 Speaker 9: screaming ass paddle, like really loud. That was one of 162 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,560 Speaker 9: the ones that made Alana feel super uncomfortable, So like 163 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:44,400 Speaker 9: she ended up with a nickname that year was Alana 164 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:48,920 Speaker 9: I Don't Participate ten, which was really funny. Like there's 165 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:52,199 Speaker 9: like pictures and like other footage of her just like 166 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:55,480 Speaker 9: standing as still as possible during one of the cheers 167 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:58,079 Speaker 9: that made her uncomfortable, and like that was like one 168 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:03,440 Speaker 9: of the defining moments of a lon I'm. 169 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:05,040 Speaker 1: Kind of jealous of Alana's friend group. I always wished 170 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:06,920 Speaker 1: I had a group of friends to joke around and 171 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:11,480 Speaker 1: do sleepovers with. Instead. My loneliness continued throughout high school, 172 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:14,360 Speaker 1: where I put all my energy into getting good grades. 173 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:18,559 Speaker 1: Alana seems to have it all. A best friend sports 174 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:23,199 Speaker 1: community around this time. If you remember, Alana was fresh 175 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:26,360 Speaker 1: from her Catholic summer camp experience, the one that really 176 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:29,440 Speaker 1: made an impression on her. I asked me if she 177 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:32,800 Speaker 1: remembers if Alana's newfound religious devotion stood out. 178 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:37,840 Speaker 9: I first started to pick up on how religious Alana 179 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:43,520 Speaker 9: was when we went to travel tournaments. That was senior 180 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:45,400 Speaker 9: year of high school, so that was the first time 181 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,800 Speaker 9: our team was able to start traveling to tournaments to compete. 182 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:53,440 Speaker 9: And I had noticed this because she would, you know, 183 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,960 Speaker 9: wake up super early on like Sundays of a tournament 184 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,640 Speaker 9: and find a way to get to a church in 185 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:03,440 Speaker 9: the morning. And she might have been doing that with 186 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,280 Speaker 9: one other teammate, but for the most part, it just 187 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:07,560 Speaker 9: felt like she was doing that on her own because 188 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:08,439 Speaker 9: she chose to do it. 189 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:12,000 Speaker 1: Most kids and adults have to be forced to go 190 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,920 Speaker 1: to church, but Alana is choosing to go on her 191 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:18,640 Speaker 1: own by herself. I wonder what she's finding there that 192 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:20,959 Speaker 1: she isn't getting from her friends or her family. 193 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,520 Speaker 8: So Alana was like sneaking out to go to church. 194 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:29,400 Speaker 8: I think at one point she asked my mom to driver, 195 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:33,240 Speaker 8: and my mom was like, wait, why, you know, like 196 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,400 Speaker 8: she kind of caught on too, of like, I don't 197 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,120 Speaker 8: want to be sneaky here, but at the same time, 198 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,480 Speaker 8: it was like, but she's going to church, so it's 199 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:41,520 Speaker 8: probably not a big deal. 200 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:46,040 Speaker 1: It would happen like this every day after school. Alana 201 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,640 Speaker 1: would tell her parents she was going to Joys to study, 202 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,679 Speaker 1: and then either have Joy's mom drive her or take 203 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:54,360 Speaker 1: the thirty minute bus ride to Saint Thomas Aquinas Church. 204 00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:57,640 Speaker 1: Saint Thom's the Catholic parish that sits in the middle 205 00:11:57,679 --> 00:12:01,480 Speaker 1: of the University of Colorado Boulder campus. Not a small trek. 206 00:12:02,559 --> 00:12:04,760 Speaker 1: It's funny to imagine a young girl sneaking out to 207 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:08,080 Speaker 1: go to church, but I can totally relate. I also 208 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,800 Speaker 1: went to daily Mass on the down low, and for me, 209 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:14,719 Speaker 1: it started after I met someone at church. Gosh, I 210 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:17,400 Speaker 1: haven't thought about him in a long time. His name 211 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:19,880 Speaker 1: was Father William, and he introduced me to a more 212 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:25,440 Speaker 1: serious practice of Catholicism. In my late teens, I met 213 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,560 Speaker 1: Father William when he came to say Mass at my 214 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:32,160 Speaker 1: college Catholic Center. He was short and trim, head, silver hair, 215 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:35,800 Speaker 1: a twinkle in his eye, and perfect teeth. He walked 216 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:39,000 Speaker 1: around campus in his tailored black cassock and white collar, 217 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,640 Speaker 1: like someone out of a nineteen forties Hollywood set. But 218 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:45,080 Speaker 1: the most striking thing about him was the way he 219 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:48,760 Speaker 1: said mass. He was betrayed and entered willingly into his passion. 220 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,840 Speaker 1: Father William would say each word deliberately, Take this, all 221 00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:55,760 Speaker 1: of you, bow and raise his arms with careful precision, 222 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:58,880 Speaker 1: for this is my body which will be given up, 223 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:02,080 Speaker 1: and pause with dramatic flair as he held up the bread. 224 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,800 Speaker 6: He took bread, and, giving thanks, broke it and gave 225 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,280 Speaker 6: it to his disciples, saying take this. 226 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,280 Speaker 1: I was riveted. Compared to the priests I saw every 227 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:14,640 Speaker 1: Sunday growing up, Father William was not going through the motions. 228 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:21,720 Speaker 1: He meant every word of every prayer. One day, Father 229 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,120 Speaker 1: William came up to me and asked me if I'd 230 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:27,360 Speaker 1: ever considered the priesthood, that is, if I'd ever thought 231 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,920 Speaker 1: of becoming a priest. The thought had crossed my mind, 232 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:34,720 Speaker 1: as it does for many pious Catholic boys. But something 233 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:37,120 Speaker 1: about the way he asked me, the way he looked 234 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:41,800 Speaker 1: me in the eye, made me feel special chosen. I 235 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:45,240 Speaker 1: shyly said yeah, and he told me that if I 236 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:48,720 Speaker 1: was interested, we could meet to talk about that. I said, 237 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,040 Speaker 1: I'd think about it, and for the next few weeks 238 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,560 Speaker 1: I returned to Mass, excited to see Father William and 239 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:58,280 Speaker 1: hoping that he'd come and talk to me again. He did, 240 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:02,280 Speaker 1: and that year he became my spiritual father and spiritual director, 241 00:14:02,679 --> 00:14:05,240 Speaker 1: meeting regularly with me to talk about what it would 242 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:13,840 Speaker 1: take to become a priest. For Alana, all this sneaking 243 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:17,000 Speaker 1: out to church was beginning to get to her. Joyce 244 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,960 Speaker 1: tells me about one morning when Alana came into her 245 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:23,120 Speaker 1: room and woke her up. She was in tears and 246 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:24,120 Speaker 1: wanted to talk. 247 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,080 Speaker 5: So and it was she came in a room I 248 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:29,360 Speaker 5: was half asleep, so it was early morning, and I 249 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:33,880 Speaker 5: remember I was like, well, and first my first thought 250 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:35,640 Speaker 5: was she was gonna tell me something bad, like what 251 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:38,800 Speaker 5: I did when I was teenagers drinking at fourteen. 252 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,320 Speaker 1: But Alana had something else to confess. 253 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:43,640 Speaker 5: She came in my room crying that she'd been lying 254 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:46,720 Speaker 5: to me. That she'd been taking the bus, saying she 255 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,360 Speaker 5: was a joys but every night about five o'clock, so 256 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:51,840 Speaker 5: it was a five point thirty Mass, but she was 257 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:55,160 Speaker 5: taking the bus to Saint Thom's which is on the hill, 258 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:59,400 Speaker 5: which is like college students partying. Some bad stuff happens there. 259 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,480 Speaker 1: She's glad that at least Ilana hadn't been sneaking out 260 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:02,920 Speaker 1: to party. 261 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,120 Speaker 5: Part of me was relieved, but then I said, wait, 262 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,400 Speaker 5: that's not good for you to go. It's dangerous, and 263 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,760 Speaker 5: you know, she was like, no, I'm sorry. I just 264 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:11,800 Speaker 5: I really want to go to Mass every day. And 265 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:15,080 Speaker 5: I was like why, like every day. I don't understand this, 266 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:17,720 Speaker 5: like and she was like, no, I just love it 267 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,280 Speaker 5: and I want to go to Mass every day. And 268 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,160 Speaker 5: then she said, I really want you to know. I 269 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:25,040 Speaker 5: really want you to watch this show that they showed 270 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:26,920 Speaker 5: us Oprah Went into a Convent. 271 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:31,200 Speaker 1: Oprah Went into a Convent. I don't remember seeing this 272 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:34,280 Speaker 1: episode when it aired, but the video is pure Oprah 273 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:35,880 Speaker 1: production value. 274 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:39,320 Speaker 6: Today, twenty two young women will begin their journey toward 275 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:40,200 Speaker 6: becoming a nun. 276 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 5: I graduated from high school back in June. 277 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,120 Speaker 8: I guess I knew ever since I was really little, like, 278 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,880 Speaker 8: I never had any doubts that God was calling me. 279 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,240 Speaker 8: I've definitely thought about it. 280 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,200 Speaker 9: Yeah, and it's it's crossed my mind a lot, being 281 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:53,400 Speaker 9: with Jesus the whole time. 282 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:58,600 Speaker 4: Yeah, maybe twenty four to seven, I mean went better husband. 283 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,440 Speaker 1: Coprah cuts the shots of young nuns in their white habits, 284 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:08,320 Speaker 1: playing ball, hockey, riding bikes on the gorgeous green Convent acreage, 285 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,560 Speaker 1: and she interviews this beaming woman who's left behind a 286 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:14,280 Speaker 1: great career to become a nun. Where were you in 287 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:17,160 Speaker 1: your life when you realized you wanted to be married 288 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:18,240 Speaker 1: to Jesus Christ. 289 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:22,200 Speaker 10: I was sitting on my couch in my house and 290 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:26,160 Speaker 10: an apartment on the lake, and I was in front 291 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,160 Speaker 10: of my TV, and I had just finished decorating. And 292 00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,760 Speaker 10: I looked at the stereo and I looked at the 293 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,320 Speaker 10: like my whole entertainment center. And I thought, and I 294 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:34,920 Speaker 10: said it out loud. I I usually don't talk to 295 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,840 Speaker 10: myself out loud. I said, I could give it up 296 00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,800 Speaker 10: all tomorrow and it wouldn't mean a hill of beans. 297 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:40,440 Speaker 7: Really. 298 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,440 Speaker 10: I came to a point where I said, Okay, this 299 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,400 Speaker 10: is it, and if I know this is it, then 300 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:45,680 Speaker 10: I have to do it. 301 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:48,880 Speaker 5: And so she showed me the video. I'm half asleep. 302 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:52,440 Speaker 5: They were playing frisbee in their habits, and like she said, Mom, 303 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,280 Speaker 5: some of them were nurses and doctors and then now 304 00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:56,480 Speaker 5: they're nuns and they're Look how happy they are and 305 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:59,160 Speaker 5: I just remember going no, no, no, Like inside, I was 306 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:04,199 Speaker 5: like m m no. And she was so young, so 307 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:08,359 Speaker 5: I was pretty shocked, you know. And then I just 308 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,240 Speaker 5: said I think I said, you can't take the bus anymore. 309 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:14,920 Speaker 5: If you want, I'll go. I don't think you need 310 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:19,720 Speaker 5: to go every day, you know. And she was upset 311 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:23,200 Speaker 5: with me. She was upset with me right away about 312 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:27,480 Speaker 5: my lack of enthusiasm and my judgment about the convent. 313 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:31,200 Speaker 1: As funny as nuns playing frisbee might sound, it's actually 314 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:35,119 Speaker 1: a powerful juxtaposition. Growing up, I tended to think of 315 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:38,520 Speaker 1: priests and nuns as these alien creatures who took on 316 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:42,359 Speaker 1: restrictive spiritual practices in order to be close to God. 317 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,600 Speaker 1: But discovering that they were real people who had regular 318 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,600 Speaker 1: jobs and played sports in their free time, made their 319 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:53,400 Speaker 1: callings suddenly a lot more accessible, Like maybe I could 320 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,880 Speaker 1: do that too. Alana's desire to be a nun would 321 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,440 Speaker 1: be the source of many fights with her mom. Over church. 322 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,399 Speaker 5: I ran into Joy's mom and she said, oh my god, 323 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,160 Speaker 5: you must be so happy Eleanna wants to be a nun. 324 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:07,080 Speaker 5: And I was like what. I was like, what are 325 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 5: you talking about? And I'm not happy? What you're telling me, 326 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:13,480 Speaker 5: And I'm like, Debbie, she's thirteen, she's fourteen, what are 327 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:14,080 Speaker 5: you kidding me? 328 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:18,320 Speaker 1: Like, her friend Joy remembers when this happened, how Alana 329 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,600 Speaker 1: was really mad at her mom for not letting her 330 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:21,800 Speaker 1: go to church by herself. 331 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,840 Speaker 8: You know, it's kind of this adolescent like parents don't 332 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,040 Speaker 8: get it, and it was just so confusing for all 333 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,760 Speaker 8: of us because the limits that they were setting were 334 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:32,719 Speaker 8: around church and for us it was like curfew, you know, 335 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,800 Speaker 8: like spending time with boys. And I just think we 336 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,439 Speaker 8: didn't get that, you know. 337 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:41,840 Speaker 1: Even still, Joe reflects on how much she looked up 338 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:42,920 Speaker 1: to Alana. 339 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:46,560 Speaker 8: For better or for worse. Alana was always my moral compass. 340 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:50,560 Speaker 8: You know, if I made a joke at someone's expense, 341 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:54,240 Speaker 8: I would just think like, Elana wouldn't do that. She 342 00:18:54,440 --> 00:19:00,280 Speaker 8: was so kind of rooted in her values and thoughtful. Like, 343 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,080 Speaker 8: looking back, it's actually kind of you know, I work 344 00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:05,560 Speaker 8: with kids and teenagers now, and knowing what I know 345 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:09,159 Speaker 8: about child adolescent development, it's like remarkable. 346 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,080 Speaker 1: It sounds like Alana was a kind of role model 347 00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:14,640 Speaker 1: for a lot of her friends. I ask Joy if 348 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,560 Speaker 1: Alana would ever talk about her own struggles. 349 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:22,760 Speaker 8: We would talk about difficult things in her life. And 350 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,640 Speaker 8: I don't know if that's because she asked or because 351 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:29,280 Speaker 8: I would ask. You know, obviously I'm a therapist now 352 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,160 Speaker 8: and I had I think some of those bends back then. 353 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:34,639 Speaker 8: And maybe Alana and I did a little bit of 354 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:38,119 Speaker 8: that together of like we're going to be stayle and 355 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:41,240 Speaker 8: supportive for other people and not as much for ourselves. 356 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:44,760 Speaker 8: So maybe we influenced each other in that way. But 357 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:50,240 Speaker 8: we did certainly talk about stuff going on with her family, So. 358 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:53,199 Speaker 1: What was going on with her family? The fact is, 359 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,959 Speaker 1: even before Alana was born, things between Mike and Joyce 360 00:19:57,119 --> 00:20:01,080 Speaker 1: weren't going well. I'm with Joyce and she's cleaning up 361 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,720 Speaker 1: after making me that sandwich. 362 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,480 Speaker 5: When Sammy was little, I wound up in the safe 363 00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,959 Speaker 5: house within ten month old for a month, and then 364 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,959 Speaker 5: I got all kinds of services and then a legal separation. 365 00:20:12,359 --> 00:20:16,200 Speaker 1: After a period of separation, Joyce moved back in with Mike. 366 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,720 Speaker 5: Then I moved. I wound up going in the house 367 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,560 Speaker 5: with him. 368 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,639 Speaker 6: Oh right, yeah. 369 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,200 Speaker 5: Right after that I had we had another incident. 370 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,399 Speaker 6: She just was like this for thirty let's kickers two years. 371 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:37,480 Speaker 1: As their family grew, things stabilized relatively speaking. I reached 372 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,520 Speaker 1: out to Mike, but he didn't answer my calls. I'm 373 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,800 Speaker 1: sure I don't have the complete picture of their troubles, 374 00:20:43,359 --> 00:20:47,879 Speaker 1: but needless to say, their marriage was rocky. It strikes 375 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,399 Speaker 1: me how open Joyce is. 376 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:51,520 Speaker 5: They had like five marriage counselors. 377 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,320 Speaker 1: I mean, we've known each other for now almost two 378 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:57,920 Speaker 1: years and just recently in person, but she doesn't hold 379 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,320 Speaker 1: anything back. She speaks with this kind of earnest energy, 380 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,120 Speaker 1: like she wants me to know everything about her life 381 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:08,719 Speaker 1: so that I can better understand Ala. Joyce reflects on 382 00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,160 Speaker 1: how her marriage might have impacted Alana. 383 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:15,000 Speaker 5: She wrote, it's in her journal, and she was always 384 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,600 Speaker 5: scared I was leaving. I know. I mean I think 385 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:21,960 Speaker 5: that's why sometimes I'm so guilty, because there's so many 386 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,040 Speaker 5: things that. 387 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,120 Speaker 6: Her spirit soul was. It was scared. 388 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:41,119 Speaker 1: I talked to Alana's younger sister, Sophia. She remembers this 389 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:44,040 Speaker 1: time well, when they were young girls and Alana wanted 390 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:44,760 Speaker 1: to be a nun. 391 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:50,520 Speaker 11: We definitely were very shocked. I just remember I was like, 392 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,240 Speaker 11: it's my sister. I love her and I'm going to 393 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:57,080 Speaker 11: support her, but it was still oddic. I remember they 394 00:21:57,119 --> 00:22:00,440 Speaker 11: were in my mother's room once in their arguing, that 395 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:04,880 Speaker 11: conversation was getting pretty heated and my sister was getting upset, 396 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:09,639 Speaker 11: so I stepped in. And I often felt like a 397 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:14,000 Speaker 11: big sister to her sometimes because not because I was 398 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,120 Speaker 11: more mature, because I wasn't, but I was a lot 399 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:19,760 Speaker 11: more vocal, and I remember telling my mom. I was like, 400 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:22,080 Speaker 11: if this is what she wants to do, this is 401 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,120 Speaker 11: what she wants to do. 402 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:27,119 Speaker 1: And Sofia begins to notice changes in Alana's appearance. 403 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,639 Speaker 11: As she got more involved in the church. She started 404 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:35,119 Speaker 11: dealing down her wardrobe, really conservative skirts, no makeup, really 405 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:39,160 Speaker 11: long sleeves, everything was covered. 406 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:42,400 Speaker 1: She even stopped wearing bathing suits and would go into 407 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:45,240 Speaker 1: the water with a T shirt on. This new image 408 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,679 Speaker 1: was in stark contrast to her earlier style of neon 409 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:52,880 Speaker 1: pink tops, red shoes, and Barett's in her hair. I've 410 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:56,000 Speaker 1: shared how I got interested in becoming a priest, but 411 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,760 Speaker 1: I wonder how Alana first got the idea to become 412 00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,760 Speaker 1: a nun, as it lily didn't come from her upbringing. 413 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:05,400 Speaker 1: Was it just the Oprah video? Did the desire come 414 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:09,000 Speaker 1: from God himself? A mysterious calling, as we learned in 415 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:12,560 Speaker 1: Sunday School. I figured she must have confided in somebody 416 00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:15,560 Speaker 1: at church at that time, so I reached out to Judy, 417 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,360 Speaker 1: her middle school youth group leader at Saint Thom's. 418 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:24,560 Speaker 3: Alana always had that It's hard to explain just that 419 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:28,120 Speaker 3: light of Christ in my mind. She just lit up, 420 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:33,360 Speaker 3: just this radiant being and that I just I remember 421 00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:37,600 Speaker 3: from that point on, I just thought she is so lucky. 422 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:40,760 Speaker 3: You know, she knows God at such a young age. 423 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,320 Speaker 3: I mean, I don't know very many girls that want 424 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:43,880 Speaker 3: to be a nun. 425 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:45,719 Speaker 5: That was unusual. 426 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:50,119 Speaker 1: It was unusual, but as her youth group leader, Judy 427 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:51,600 Speaker 1: was secretly rooting for. 428 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:55,000 Speaker 3: It, and she said her mother didn't want her to 429 00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:58,160 Speaker 3: be in I'm kind of in the middle here going 430 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:01,159 Speaker 3: I love it. I kind of want you to be 431 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:04,480 Speaker 3: a nun, but I've got to respect Joyce. I remember 432 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,040 Speaker 3: I wanted to be a nun, so maybe that was 433 00:24:07,119 --> 00:24:10,639 Speaker 3: part of my heart. You know. Saint Therez was like 434 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,800 Speaker 3: what fourteen when she entered the convent, and you know, 435 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,879 Speaker 3: I just thought, if that's where your heart is, follow it, 436 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,000 Speaker 3: don't let anyone tell you no, you can't do that, 437 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:24,359 Speaker 3: because God's the most important. The other side of me said, 438 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:27,320 Speaker 3: you know, God's not going to let go if she 439 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:31,160 Speaker 3: really has it. So I said, you don't just keep 440 00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:36,119 Speaker 3: praying and walking that way, and your mom will understand 441 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:38,520 Speaker 3: eventually if this is what you really want to do. 442 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:47,919 Speaker 1: Back at the apartment, Joyce shows me the earliest journal 443 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:48,639 Speaker 1: she can find. 444 00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:52,080 Speaker 5: She left all were in that bin. 445 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,439 Speaker 1: It opens with a sort of list of instructions that 446 00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:56,760 Speaker 1: Alana wrote to herself. 447 00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:02,480 Speaker 5: You tape, never glue stick this notebook. Do not waste space. 448 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:06,520 Speaker 1: Keep in mind dates altas dense and neat. Writing packs 449 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,720 Speaker 1: every line of the spiral ring notebook true to form. 450 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:11,479 Speaker 1: She doesn't waste any inch of space. 451 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:15,399 Speaker 5: The notebook marks a new beginning. Today is May first, 452 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,600 Speaker 5: twenty thirteen. This is the month devoted to the blessed 453 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:23,640 Speaker 5: Virgin Mary. This notebook and all its contents, thoughts, less pictures, prayers, 454 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:27,560 Speaker 5: are devoted to Mama Mary to be handed over completely 455 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:28,640 Speaker 5: to Jesus Christ. 456 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:32,880 Speaker 1: We turn the page to find a sort of spiritual recap. 457 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:36,040 Speaker 5: I saw a girl who loved Jesus as if he 458 00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:39,560 Speaker 5: were her husband. I wanted that love. I decided I 459 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,560 Speaker 5: would follow Jesus from that moment. Until then, I did 460 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:46,520 Speaker 5: not know Nuns still existed. I had many questions, what 461 00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:50,280 Speaker 5: do they do? What is their purpose? Why doesn't every 462 00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:52,199 Speaker 5: girl become a nun? How do I know? 463 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:56,280 Speaker 1: I'm called all very good questions, and then I find 464 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:57,120 Speaker 1: my answer. 465 00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,920 Speaker 5: That very week, I was at Mass and our new 466 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:03,119 Speaker 5: parish priest pulled me aside and asked if I was 467 00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:07,440 Speaker 5: discerning a religious vocation. He said the Holy Spirit inspired 468 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:11,720 Speaker 5: him to offer me spiritual direction. Eventually I accepted the offer. 469 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:13,280 Speaker 1: It was a new priest in town. 470 00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:16,800 Speaker 5: He taught me to pray the Rosary. He taught me 471 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,240 Speaker 5: a method of mental prayer, and to go to confession 472 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:21,840 Speaker 5: more often. My parents thought it was weird that all 473 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:24,760 Speaker 5: of a sudden I was becoming more religious. When my 474 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:26,480 Speaker 5: mom found out that I wanted to be a nun, 475 00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:29,080 Speaker 5: she was so mad and scared. I told this to 476 00:26:29,119 --> 00:26:32,520 Speaker 5: my spiritual director, and I began volunteering twice a week 477 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:36,600 Speaker 5: at the MC Sisters in Denver. Father Dave, my spiritual director, 478 00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:38,760 Speaker 5: helped me to find a lot of time to pray 479 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:41,800 Speaker 5: during the school year. Jesus told me to be patient 480 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:43,160 Speaker 5: and vigilant that year. 481 00:26:47,119 --> 00:26:49,840 Speaker 1: From the news articles, I remember reading about a priest 482 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:52,840 Speaker 1: who had counseled Ilana throughout her teens, but this is 483 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:55,920 Speaker 1: the first mention I've seen of him by Ilana herself, 484 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,520 Speaker 1: and she takes him as a kind of sign from God. 485 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:01,040 Speaker 1: The same week she asked to be shown if she's 486 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:04,200 Speaker 1: called to be a nun. This priest, Father Dave Nix, 487 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:08,720 Speaker 1: appears and asks her exactly that it reminds me of 488 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:13,760 Speaker 1: my father William again Judy, Alana's youth group leader. 489 00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:18,320 Speaker 3: And looking back on it, I just apologized to Joyce 490 00:27:18,359 --> 00:27:22,760 Speaker 3: one hundred times. But her relationship with Father Nix, because 491 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:26,280 Speaker 3: she was so excited, she goes, he's my spiritual director, Nichael. 492 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:30,280 Speaker 3: What you know, teenager has a spiritual director, you know, 493 00:27:30,359 --> 00:27:32,359 Speaker 3: and you know he would call her and talk to 494 00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:34,680 Speaker 3: where you'd be with her, and he's trying to help 495 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:38,359 Speaker 3: her sort out whether or not she could. She really 496 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,320 Speaker 3: wanted to be a sister at that point, but I 497 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:45,120 Speaker 3: had it was so much There was so much more going. 498 00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:46,239 Speaker 5: On that I was aware of. 499 00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:49,800 Speaker 1: I'm starting to get a picture of what Alana might 500 00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:52,480 Speaker 1: have found at church. It was probably a quiet place 501 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:55,040 Speaker 1: for her after a rowdy frisbee game and a refuge 502 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:57,439 Speaker 1: from her home when her parents were fighting. And it 503 00:27:57,480 --> 00:27:59,720 Speaker 1: makes more sense now why her conviction to become a 504 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:03,199 Speaker 1: nun was so strong. Alana was being guided and coached 505 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:06,880 Speaker 1: by her spiritual father father Dave Nix. But what else 506 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:13,000 Speaker 1: was going on that Judy wasn't aware of? In an instant, 507 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:16,440 Speaker 1: I see how important Alana's own words and perspective are 508 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:18,359 Speaker 1: going to be if I'm going to find out what 509 00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:21,560 Speaker 1: happened to her, I can't just rely on her family's 510 00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:26,359 Speaker 1: observations or a few excerpts. Her journals are the primary 511 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:29,200 Speaker 1: sources of her inner life, and she's got nearly two 512 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:35,199 Speaker 1: dozen of them. I fly back to San Francisco. On 513 00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:38,640 Speaker 1: the plane, I think about Alana and Joyce, joy and 514 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:42,240 Speaker 1: the frisbee team. What Alana went through in her early years, 515 00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:44,920 Speaker 1: her sneaking out to go to church, and what she 516 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:47,920 Speaker 1: might have found there. I wonder if she would have 517 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:51,480 Speaker 1: related to God the same way I did. As a friend. 518 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:55,600 Speaker 1: I wish that I could talk to her. It's great 519 00:28:55,640 --> 00:28:58,000 Speaker 1: to hear stories from her friends, and I can learn 520 00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:01,200 Speaker 1: a lot from them. But I realize is that Alana's 521 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:04,000 Speaker 1: own journals are the closest thing to Alana that I'm 522 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:09,479 Speaker 1: going to get her thoughts in her own words. I 523 00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:12,280 Speaker 1: called Joyce to talk to her about it. She's very 524 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:15,600 Speaker 1: protective of Alana's journals and has often said that they 525 00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:18,720 Speaker 1: contain a lot of private details. She says she doesn't 526 00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:19,960 Speaker 1: want to let them out of her sight. 527 00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:21,720 Speaker 6: I get that. 528 00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:26,600 Speaker 1: I decide I'm going to be direct, so I ask 529 00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:30,240 Speaker 1: her if I can go through the journals page by page, 530 00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:33,040 Speaker 1: maybe even photograph them, so that I can cross reference 531 00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:36,240 Speaker 1: names and dates. I tell her that I need to 532 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:39,080 Speaker 1: know what's in those journals, because we need the truth 533 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:41,240 Speaker 1: as Alana saw it, to guide us. 534 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:44,680 Speaker 7: I wait. 535 00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:53,840 Speaker 1: Their silence. Joyce asks me if i'll be careful with them, 536 00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:57,360 Speaker 1: if I can do this at her apartment, of course, 537 00:29:57,440 --> 00:30:08,000 Speaker 1: I say. She's quiet, and then she replies, Okay, let's 538 00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:08,360 Speaker 1: do this. 539 00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:16,880 Speaker 7: I will follow you, follow you wherever you might go. 540 00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:20,200 Speaker 1: Next time, on Dear Alana. 541 00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:24,960 Speaker 5: You're in here with my daughter, a minor. I imagine the 542 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:27,280 Speaker 5: door was shut. I don't know. I have no knowledge 543 00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:29,880 Speaker 5: of this. I didn't give any consent. She's fourteen. 544 00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:33,000 Speaker 1: Alana is asked to keep a secret that will tear 545 00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:33,840 Speaker 1: her apart. 546 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:43,000 Speaker 7: I will follow her ever since you touched my head. 547 00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:49,959 Speaker 1: Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon 548 00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:53,880 Speaker 1: kentfang And is a production of tenderfoot TV in association 549 00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:57,080 Speaker 1: with a slapt Audio in the Center for Independent Documentary. 550 00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,560 Speaker 1: It was produced by Laurie Puliski, who also composed the music. 551 00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:05,400 Speaker 1: Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our 552 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:09,600 Speaker 1: supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup 553 00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:14,040 Speaker 1: and Vanity, Set sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our credit song, 554 00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:17,240 Speaker 1: I Will Follow You is by to Loose. Show notes 555 00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:20,720 Speaker 1: and resources can be found on our website Dearlana dot com. 556 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:23,480 Speaker 1: If you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow 557 00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:27,120 Speaker 1: the show, rate and review. Your feedback is greatly appreciated. 558 00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:36,680 Speaker 7: The notion to d Monson so highlove Me, Keep Me Away, 559 00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:41,240 Speaker 7: Away from Long. 560 00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:56,800 Speaker 1: Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly. 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