1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:05,360 Speaker 1: Hi, guys, let me not selling on sex with I 2 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:09,920 Speaker 1: don't know why I'm feeling like a sex on Hey, guys, 3 00:00:10,119 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 1: this is your girl, Mandy b a K A dead bitch. 4 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,440 Speaker 1: I ain't gonna go through all my ks um, but 5 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:18,680 Speaker 1: once again we are dropping yet another episode for our 6 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,560 Speaker 1: wonderful patrons. Thank you guys so much again for supporting 7 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:24,640 Speaker 1: us UM and just helping us build this brand to 8 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,840 Speaker 1: be what it is like. I'm super excited. Y'all are 9 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:28,800 Speaker 1: the reason i feel like my pussy is on another 10 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 1: level because the bitch is on HBO now, like which 11 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:36,640 Speaker 1: I feel like I'm sucking lit um. So as most 12 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:39,200 Speaker 1: of you guys know, very like even from the very 13 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:43,160 Speaker 1: beginning of the podcast, I have, you know, talked about 14 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:45,840 Speaker 1: my way and how it's affected me, and like most 15 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,319 Speaker 1: of you know, if you don't know, I did have 16 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:53,800 Speaker 1: surgery in January. I had UM the VSG, which is 17 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:57,760 Speaker 1: like the gastric sleeve. And I'm so very excited because 18 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:01,320 Speaker 1: I'm finally going to open up about the process, about 19 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:04,240 Speaker 1: my insecurities with my weight gain over the years, how 20 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:07,360 Speaker 1: it affected me in the bedroom as well as how 21 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:10,360 Speaker 1: it affected me with dating, how I've seen myself and 22 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:14,720 Speaker 1: I'm so very happy to be having this conversation alongside 23 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,360 Speaker 1: a very good friend of mine and fellow podcaster. I 24 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:23,480 Speaker 1: have Naima's smile from the Sophisticated Ignorance podcast. I have 25 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:27,520 Speaker 1: been a guest on that show twice. Um, they're super amazing. Stephen, 26 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:31,120 Speaker 1: her co host, allowed me to talk about colorism and 27 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:32,920 Speaker 1: all these other issues that I felt. It was like, 28 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:37,000 Speaker 1: it's honestly one of my favorite episodes that I've ever 29 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,640 Speaker 1: done outside of my own show. Honestly, and I've told 30 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:44,280 Speaker 1: Stephen that multiple times. Um, So Naima's here. I know 31 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:46,000 Speaker 1: y'all are like, well, bitch, while she here on the show, 32 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:49,640 Speaker 1: we don't know who did um. But Naima is here 33 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:53,160 Speaker 1: because she had the same surgery as I did. Yes, 34 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,720 Speaker 1: I did, um, and you'll be talking to it. But 35 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:59,320 Speaker 1: she's a beautiful, chocolate, wonderful black woman doing her thing 36 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:03,000 Speaker 1: out here. UM. And she's also kind of dealt with 37 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,440 Speaker 1: the same issues that I did. And also, I just 38 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:08,600 Speaker 1: feel like I can't speak on the entire process myself. 39 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:11,880 Speaker 1: So I hit her up and I was like, hey girl, UM, 40 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:17,720 Speaker 1: could you have this conversation with me? And she said yes, absolutely, UM, 41 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:19,320 Speaker 1: and real quick. Can you let them know what else 42 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,680 Speaker 1: you've actually opened up about this prior you did a 43 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:24,399 Speaker 1: documentary on your journey. I did. I did a documentary 44 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 1: UM about the surgery that I had as well as 45 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:31,000 Speaker 1: my past breakup with my ex which them the documentary 46 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:32,880 Speaker 1: because I was going through a lot of time and 47 00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:35,680 Speaker 1: in the course of the breakup the surgery happened. And 48 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,760 Speaker 1: if you guys want to see the documentary, it is 49 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,520 Speaker 1: actually on my podcast website as our podcast that net. 50 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,200 Speaker 1: You can check it out on there. It's I'm just 51 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 1: I'm glad that you're as transparent as I am, especially 52 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:52,920 Speaker 1: when it comes to your way as women. Y'all know 53 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,320 Speaker 1: it's it's it's difficult to talk about. But at the 54 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,560 Speaker 1: same time, we also want to walk around like we 55 00:02:57,639 --> 00:03:00,400 Speaker 1: have this confidence, like ain't nothing bother or in us 56 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,960 Speaker 1: and nothing like that. So I did want to start, um, 57 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,840 Speaker 1: I guess just so that you guys can maybe relate 58 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 1: to us or see where we're coming. UM. I want 59 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:12,640 Speaker 1: to start off with both of us addressing our or 60 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:19,200 Speaker 1: or mentioning our our highest moments weights we would say that, um, 61 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,880 Speaker 1: and then maybe even the biggest clothing sides as we 62 00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:24,040 Speaker 1: have been I want you guys to really kind of 63 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:27,040 Speaker 1: just know our journey and where we're coming from, UM, 64 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:30,000 Speaker 1: and where we were to to where we had these 65 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,720 Speaker 1: negative effects. I would down our life. UM. So I 66 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:38,520 Speaker 1: guess we can start with myself. UM. The largest weight 67 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:42,160 Speaker 1: that I had weighed, UM was two hundred and thirty 68 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:46,720 Speaker 1: pounds UM. And when I had reached that weight, I 69 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:51,400 Speaker 1: was just like, there's no way. I am, there's no way, 70 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:54,720 Speaker 1: especially because at the time everyone's like, oh, you're shapely, 71 00:03:54,800 --> 00:04:00,280 Speaker 1: you look like you're not really paying like you know, UM. 72 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,600 Speaker 1: And I think the largest pants size that I had 73 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:07,160 Speaker 1: reached at one point was like a sixteen eighteen. What 74 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:10,040 Speaker 1: about you, Nina, My highest weight was two eighties seven 75 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:14,040 Speaker 1: and I was about an eighteen sometimes. Yeah, and I'm 76 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,880 Speaker 1: bottom heavy. We're both bottom heavy. It's always been my 77 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,120 Speaker 1: issues so even and we were just talking about it too, 78 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,719 Speaker 1: Like there were times where I was just like going 79 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:25,960 Speaker 1: shopping and they either had largest or extra largest, but 80 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,680 Speaker 1: I would not go into that plus size section. I 81 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:32,080 Speaker 1: would just not go into it because of, you know, 82 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,960 Speaker 1: insecurities with myself. I was like I didn't having to 83 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,400 Speaker 1: accept it, and I was like, bitch, I'm thick. I 84 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:42,839 Speaker 1: ain't plus I section what a thick thick? I'm thick? 85 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:46,040 Speaker 1: What that section are? Um? So that was definitely one 86 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:49,800 Speaker 1: of my my insecurities was actually shopping and you know, 87 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,679 Speaker 1: like if someone would suggest lane Brian, I'd be like, bitch, 88 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:56,080 Speaker 1: I ain't even go, you know, I mean like you 89 00:04:56,160 --> 00:05:02,799 Speaker 1: see you see this waist? Um, So what stammed you? 90 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,880 Speaker 1: I guess at your highest weight, what were your feelings? 91 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:11,599 Speaker 1: What things impacted you? Um with dating, with sexual in 92 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:13,960 Speaker 1: the bedroom, We're gonna get there too, but what what 93 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:17,440 Speaker 1: impacted you while you were heavy? Yeah, I think the 94 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:20,480 Speaker 1: same with you, like shopping and then getting frustrated, like 95 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,520 Speaker 1: forgetting that I don't want to go. I'm not putting 96 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:25,919 Speaker 1: this on. I'm staying home. I don't care. Um, I 97 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,680 Speaker 1: didn't really want to do too much. I didn't really 98 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,280 Speaker 1: want to be in like public. I used to love 99 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:31,160 Speaker 1: party and we're not getting away. I was like, no, 100 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:32,680 Speaker 1: I don't want to go if we go to if 101 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,600 Speaker 1: we go to like a little bar, like if we're 102 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,359 Speaker 1: going to dinner outcome, but like I'm not going to 103 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:39,600 Speaker 1: the club because I felt like they're not checking for me. 104 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:41,120 Speaker 1: But a lot of times my friends will be like yo, 105 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:42,680 Speaker 1: even like, he want to talk to you, and I'd 106 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:45,000 Speaker 1: be like, he don't, like he just want to talk 107 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:46,919 Speaker 1: to me because he's the whole. He never been a 108 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:49,280 Speaker 1: big girl before, and that's the thing. Now I don't 109 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:51,080 Speaker 1: want to talk to him. So that affected me to 110 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,200 Speaker 1: not known if someone actually liked me because they thought 111 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:54,960 Speaker 1: I was pretty and it was attracted to me. If 112 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,080 Speaker 1: it's because like I've never been with a big girl before, 113 00:05:57,200 --> 00:06:00,320 Speaker 1: can I it's up? I want to bring it up 114 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,000 Speaker 1: because I don't. I'm not sure if I really talked 115 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,839 Speaker 1: about this on the on the podcast, but there was 116 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,479 Speaker 1: I just we call him blue checks niggas with blue check, 117 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:10,720 Speaker 1: and there was a blue check that slided into my 118 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,920 Speaker 1: d M. This was book prior to my surgery. This 119 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,320 Speaker 1: was probably I was maybe like two, give a take 120 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:20,280 Speaker 1: ten pounds between um. But of course, like I have 121 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,880 Speaker 1: always had, like my small ways. I still you know, 122 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,160 Speaker 1: dress how I dressed whatever, you know, you know, And 123 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:28,240 Speaker 1: so he hopped to my d M s and we 124 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 1: were talking. He was a ballplayer, so I was like, okay, 125 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,520 Speaker 1: he was decent looking. I was like, all right, we 126 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:36,960 Speaker 1: could do this. And literally less than twenty four hours 127 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:40,360 Speaker 1: into us talking, he pretty much let me know that 128 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:43,880 Speaker 1: I was on his bucket list. Oh, and I was like, 129 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,720 Speaker 1: I'm on, I'm on your bucket list. I'm like, what 130 00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:49,880 Speaker 1: I don't understand, Like do you know me from the past, 131 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,920 Speaker 1: And he's like no. He was like, I've never been 132 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,560 Speaker 1: with a girl your size and he's like, you're right 133 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,560 Speaker 1: at the size where I feel like I just want 134 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:01,839 Speaker 1: to see if I can handle you. And I really 135 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,800 Speaker 1: felt like but I felt like I got that a lot. 136 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:08,200 Speaker 1: I felt like with my with my way, and I said, 137 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:09,840 Speaker 1: all the time, I felt like more niggas was checking 138 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,800 Speaker 1: from me when I was bigger in real life, but 139 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:16,000 Speaker 1: I felt more fetisized. So I felt like men would 140 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,160 Speaker 1: want to have sex with me, but they weren't trying 141 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:21,400 Speaker 1: to date me. Men would have sex with me, but 142 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,200 Speaker 1: they might want to be like, man, don't sit here 143 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,920 Speaker 1: and let people know that, yeah, and we fucking like 144 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,800 Speaker 1: or they wouldn't, you know. Or it'd be the guys 145 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:33,040 Speaker 1: that had girlfriends and wives that looked like, you know, 146 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:37,400 Speaker 1: beautiful fucking models figures that you ask women, and we're 147 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:41,320 Speaker 1: sitting here loving everything about my hips, my ass, like 148 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,960 Speaker 1: you know, whatever roles I had, and I it literally 149 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,080 Speaker 1: started to even take a toll on me how I 150 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:50,160 Speaker 1: was thinking about myself in the sexual way, and because 151 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:54,120 Speaker 1: I was like, these niggas really like it's a fetish 152 00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:57,400 Speaker 1: to them. And I started feeling like I'm probably never 153 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,360 Speaker 1: gonna have a boyfriend because I feel like now I'm 154 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,480 Speaker 1: a fun toy for niggers. I literally started looking at 155 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:06,480 Speaker 1: myself like a sexual object, something to have fun with, 156 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:10,320 Speaker 1: but not something to take serious, to take seriously because 157 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:16,000 Speaker 1: of my weight. And I was just like, this can't be, Like, 158 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:19,480 Speaker 1: this can't be. But something that we were talking about, 159 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,160 Speaker 1: and I don't know if any of you ladies that 160 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 1: are listening, um attach yourself to this, but we were 161 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,800 Speaker 1: talking about maybe not even dating, but going out and 162 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,440 Speaker 1: getting attention for men. And just like you said when 163 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,520 Speaker 1: you were in the club, girls would be like, but 164 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:37,000 Speaker 1: he checking for you, girl, he checking for you. And 165 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:42,000 Speaker 1: there's been times where even though I was insecure leaving 166 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:45,240 Speaker 1: the apartment and how I dressed, like because the bitch 167 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,800 Speaker 1: was wearing spandex every day, my friend was like, bitch, 168 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:54,840 Speaker 1: another body suit. I'm comfortable, thank you very much, bitch. 169 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:58,320 Speaker 1: There's nothing else that's fitting. I know this is going on, um, 170 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:01,280 Speaker 1: but it would be like when I would go out 171 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:06,960 Speaker 1: even though I wasn't secure with me. If I went 172 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,240 Speaker 1: out and Niggas was trying to haul at me, or 173 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:10,960 Speaker 1: I got a pension for men, I was like, oh, bitch, 174 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:14,760 Speaker 1: I'm good. I'm good. I'm good knowing I don't like 175 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:18,040 Speaker 1: going shopping. I'm looking at what I'm eating because I'm like, 176 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,360 Speaker 1: but you really don't need this. I'm feeling like I'm 177 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,520 Speaker 1: fetishized when I finally am getting hit up by guys 178 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:30,280 Speaker 1: or having sex, and I'm just like, I'm not as 179 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:33,240 Speaker 1: happy as I'm portraying. I've always portrayed that I was confident. 180 00:09:33,559 --> 00:09:36,280 Speaker 1: Oh one time for the b b w's, and I 181 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:39,840 Speaker 1: will say that was also something that I hated seeing. 182 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,800 Speaker 1: Do you know how many comments I was getting, Yes, 183 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:49,280 Speaker 1: big girl one time for the bb W, don't don't 184 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:52,400 Speaker 1: call me that for the for the Fellas listening, I 185 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:56,400 Speaker 1: can say that, my friends can say that. You can't 186 00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:59,760 Speaker 1: say that to me for the men listening. Real quick, 187 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,760 Speaker 1: and this it wasn't even a part of the top 188 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,040 Speaker 1: we brought up, but I wanted to to say here, 189 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:10,440 Speaker 1: so you're me and Nama are both you know, Hey, 190 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,240 Speaker 1: this is just a preview of what you can look 191 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:16,239 Speaker 1: forward to expecting. If you become a patron at patreon 192 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:21,439 Speaker 1: dot com backslash Horrible Decisions, we drop bonus content every month. 193 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,160 Speaker 1: We do nice little meet and Greece with our patrons 194 00:10:24,559 --> 00:10:27,080 Speaker 1: and we just share just a lot of bonus content 195 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:30,120 Speaker 1: that you can't get anywhere else. So if you want 196 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:33,479 Speaker 1: to hear more of this episode and more bonus episodes 197 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:37,280 Speaker 1: that are available, go on over to patreon dot com 198 00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:40,840 Speaker 1: backslash Horrible Decisions and for just five dollars a month 199 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:44,240 Speaker 1: you can receive bonus content. Hope to see you over there, 200 00:10:44,559 --> 00:10:45,959 Speaker 1: and welcome to the hor Hive.