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Speaker 1: Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode of the PhD

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Speaker 1: podcast in sugarl eban A and I'm super excited about

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Speaker 1: this week's episode. Before we begin, please make sure you're

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Speaker 1: following me on the Instagram at the Professional home Girl,

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Speaker 1: at the PSD podcast, and last but not least, at

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Speaker 1: and a Beauty. Please keep in mind that all of

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Speaker 1: my guests are not in this so let's beget in

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Speaker 1: this week's show. Um So, I'm very excited about having

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Speaker 1: my guests on to share her story. I think this

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Speaker 1: topic is something that a lot of people do not

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Speaker 1: share light on because I don't think people take being

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Speaker 1: addicted to sex seriously. Um to my guests, in your

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Speaker 1: own words, what is a sex addict? Um So? To me,

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Speaker 1: it's ex addica, someone who can't control the impulse to

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Speaker 1: have sex. Um just like any other addictions. You know,

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Speaker 1: it's something that you crave on a regular basis and

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Speaker 1: that you absolutely have to have every day or however

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Speaker 1: amount of times you need to. Um So, how does

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Speaker 1: a stigma of sex addictions affects you? And the reason

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Speaker 1: why I asked because I feel when niggas have like

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Speaker 1: when they deal multiple women, is like praise on day

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Speaker 1: that nigga, and they get like a lot of positive feedback,

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Speaker 1: but when a woman do it, it's, oh, she's a whole,

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Speaker 1: she's promiscuous and things of that nature. How does that

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Speaker 1: make you feel? What are your thoughts on it? Uh?

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Speaker 1: For me, I was an issue for a really long time.

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Speaker 1: Just like you said, how you know, guys are kind

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Speaker 1: of praised for having multiple girls, and you know when

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Speaker 1: you're a girl, you're kind of bash for your whole,

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Speaker 1: your thigh yere. You know, you don't have any morals,

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Speaker 1: don't have any values, you're not white materials. You hear

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Speaker 1: all kinds of things. So it's just kind of like

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Speaker 1: that double standard. And then on top of that, I

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Speaker 1: think it's just a people don't really understand that it's

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Speaker 1: an addiction. So that also feeds back into the stigma

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Speaker 1: because people don't really see it as a problem. It's

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Speaker 1: just like, oh, when you're just promiscu with her, oh

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Speaker 1: you just like se Um, why didn't you realize that

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Speaker 1: you were addicted to sex? So for me, it was honestly,

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Speaker 1: I felt like I had a problem even before, Like

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Speaker 1: I lost in Virginia. When I said virginity, I mean

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Speaker 1: like penetration wine. And the reason I say that is because, um,

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Speaker 1: early teens, I you know, you know teams, do you

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Speaker 1: have hormones? Do you want to do stuff? But for me,

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Speaker 1: it was more of like it went past the oh

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Speaker 1: I want to try this and I want to try that.

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Speaker 1: It was like I have to have it, whether it's

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Speaker 1: oral sex or you know, a hand job or whatever

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Speaker 1: it was. It was a composive thought like twenty four

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Speaker 1: sevent and I was constantly fixed on how I was

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Speaker 1: going to get my I guess you could say my

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Speaker 1: next six explain to us. I mean, this is a

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Speaker 1: question that I was going to ask it, but you

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Speaker 1: brought it up. Explain to us, like the the compulsive

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Speaker 1: thoughts that you were having. Um, it could be a

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Speaker 1: range of things. For me, my thoughts ranged from you know,

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Speaker 1: full bloom intercourse as far as your penetration. Yeah, I was.

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Speaker 1: The thoughts would even get to the point where I

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Speaker 1: would do things like, hey, I need to go out

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Speaker 1: and find someone to have sex with, Like I would

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Speaker 1: like I couldn't. I guess you could say function in

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Speaker 1: the real world, like couldn't meet a guy and just

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Speaker 1: have a normal conversation. Everything had to be related to

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Speaker 1: sex how often? And even if the conversation wasn't going

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Speaker 1: that way, I would find a way to make it

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Speaker 1: go that way. What do you use to say? I

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Speaker 1: would say anything like we could be talking about the

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Speaker 1: weather and I will find some type of sexual induendo.

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Speaker 1: Like it kids are real create I can say the conversation, now,

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Speaker 1: how would you day? It's like, it's like, oh, it's

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Speaker 1: hot outside, I want some high cream and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I'd like to take your ice cream. They're like what, Like,

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Speaker 1: how did we get there? We were talking about the weather.

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Speaker 1: It's ht outside, it's July. That was funny. Um, how

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Speaker 1: often were you having sex? Like? Were you having sex

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Speaker 1: like a lot um multiple time to day? Oh wow?

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Speaker 1: So and this is a judge free zone, so you

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Speaker 1: don't have to get an exact number, but do you

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Speaker 1: know how many partners you've been with? Like? Is it

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Speaker 1: a lot? Because of your addiction? It is a lot.

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Speaker 1: I couldn't give you a number because I honestly stoped counting. Um,

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Speaker 1: but it's it's pretty up there. I stopped counting when

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Speaker 1: I got to like forty, And that was just in

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Speaker 1: my own shame because I didn't want to know anymore.

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Speaker 1: So I meant, um, you mentioned to me when we

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Speaker 1: had our conversation when we first met over Instagram. Um,

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Speaker 1: your sex condition been a struggle for you since she

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Speaker 1: was a teenager. There's something lead up to that. Um.

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Speaker 1: So I was molested as a kid and I've also

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Speaker 1: been raped. So I feel like those things did contribute

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Speaker 1: to it. Because I was both a sexual activity at

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Speaker 1: such an early age, I do feel like it was

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Speaker 1: a contributor. Um. And then I I don't really want

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Speaker 1: to blame it on like having older people around me,

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Speaker 1: But I was explaining I have older like I'm an

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Speaker 1: only child, but I was raised um with an older

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Speaker 1: you know, with older cousins, but I was very close

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Speaker 1: to so I was kind of always around people who

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Speaker 1: were much more mature than me, and I was kind

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Speaker 1: of exposed to a little bit more stuff. Um. But

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Speaker 1: I honestly think it's more attributed to the abuse that

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Speaker 1: I had experienced as a child. And I can only

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Speaker 1: assume you know who did both to you, right, Oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: I know. Yeah, there are people who I knew personally.

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Speaker 1: They were actually family members. So in college, I think

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Speaker 1: I just started I'm sorry, ahead, I think it just started,

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Speaker 1: like the beginning of a very unhealthy relationship with it.

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Speaker 1: I mean, because it was kind of like put on you. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I'm pretty sure with those feelings. It kind of

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Speaker 1: made you curious with certain things, and then it led

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Speaker 1: to other things. Maybe yeah, it may be curious. And

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Speaker 1: then it became less curious city and more like a

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Speaker 1: coping skool. So it became like how I dealt with things.

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Speaker 1: You know, you're set, you had a bad day, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I need to have sex. I woke up and it

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Speaker 1: was raining outside, so I need to have sex. Like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I don't feel like dealing with the fact that the

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Speaker 1: right Like any little thing, it became a coping skill

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Speaker 1: for Oh, I'm tired. I have a sleep disorder, so

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Speaker 1: I take naps. And you'll be like, oh, well, I

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Speaker 1: need to take a nap before class, but I can't

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Speaker 1: fall asleep, and sex puts me to sleep afterwards, so

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Speaker 1: I need to go have sex. I would rationalize anything. Um.

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Speaker 1: In college, you mentioned that you had more freedom, which

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Speaker 1: led you into feeding your hunger from more sex. Tell

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Speaker 1: us about that. Yeah, so you know when you live

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Speaker 1: with your parents, you don't you know, you you can

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Speaker 1: sneak around and do stuff which I did. Um, you know,

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Speaker 1: anytime my mom was at the house, I made sure

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Speaker 1: I had an opportunity to take it. But when you're

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Speaker 1: in college, you don't have anybody monitoring you what you do.

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Speaker 1: You know, you get out of the house, you're eighteen,

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Speaker 1: You've experienced that little taste of adulthood. My mom was

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Speaker 1: not in the house and nobody checking on me. I'm

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Speaker 1: not gonna get in trouble where in the house. And

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Speaker 1: I think some of that freedom, just like it made

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Speaker 1: it worse because now that I had the freedom, I

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Speaker 1: was all, are you doing? I was having sex with

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Speaker 1: like everybody, Like I was like, oh, you're cute, so

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Speaker 1: you're not cute. I mean that didn't matter. I remember

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Speaker 1: when I was in college, Like we just go away

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Speaker 1: from college and you're no longer than your parents home,

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Speaker 1: Like they just give you more freedom to do whatever

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Speaker 1: the funk you want to do. So yeah, and it's like,

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Speaker 1: you know, you can come home when you want to

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Speaker 1: come home. You cannot come home to smoke, you can drink,

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Speaker 1: you can party, you can do whatever. And so it

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Speaker 1: first it was like, oh, okay, I'm a you know,

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Speaker 1: taste of freedom, and then it was that it went

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Speaker 1: from taste of freedom to you know, I'm a mess

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Speaker 1: with this person and then I missed with that person

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Speaker 1: and I don't really like you, but I'm a miss

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Speaker 1: with you too. So the like, the longer it went on,

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Speaker 1: the less preference matter. Why do you think that because

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Speaker 1: it was no longer about me liking a person, Like

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Speaker 1: I didn't view sex as I guess I didn't view

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Speaker 1: sex to the way that some people view sex, like

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Speaker 1: some people view sex as you know, it's a connection

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Speaker 1: between two people and there's all these emotions involved. I

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Speaker 1: didn't view it like that. It was a means to

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Speaker 1: win in like and I get a lot of people

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Speaker 1: who know me who didn't understand my sex edition be like, oh,

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Speaker 1: you're just like a nigga, so have so You'm I'm

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Speaker 1: assuming as you spoke to somebody and like you're confining

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Speaker 1: your friends and told them like how you was feeling

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Speaker 1: about this. Yeah, like I confided in friends, and you know,

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Speaker 1: some people took it serious and others were like, you're

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Speaker 1: just like fun and I was like, no, it's it's

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Speaker 1: bigger than that. And it was like it's not a problem,

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Speaker 1: like you know, some girls are on there, you know,

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Speaker 1: it's okay to express your sexual freedom college. You know,

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Speaker 1: you got actually in college, like you know, you don't

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Speaker 1: have to be bound to the stereotype about being a girl.

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Speaker 1: Do what you wanna do. You're grown, nobody's counting, you know,

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Speaker 1: it's nobody's business what you do. And so on one end,

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Speaker 1: I'm like trying to fight it, and on the other end,

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Speaker 1: it's being hurtage. You know. So funny because when you

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Speaker 1: tell people, and it's also comes with age, right, because

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Speaker 1: we're in college. So when you're telling your friends in

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Speaker 1: college like hey, like I'm going through this, I have

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Speaker 1: a sex addition, they don't even understand it. So in

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Speaker 1: their mind, I can see why they were telling you, like, girl,

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Speaker 1: you're having fun, because in college it was all about

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Speaker 1: finding yourself, expressing yourself, getting with this person, falling, like

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Speaker 1: it was all about the things that we're fun, you

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Speaker 1: know that. And I think that they didn't have the

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Speaker 1: thought scope because of course, you know, I would I

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Speaker 1: would tell people that I felt like I had an issue,

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Speaker 1: but because of shame, I wouldn't tell them everything that

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Speaker 1: was going on. And so they were like, oh, girl,

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Speaker 1: you know you still put a few people here and

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Speaker 1: they're not a big deal. But I wasn't telling you

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Speaker 1: what I was doing in the background, so it was like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: but you, but you didn't know that I put my

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Speaker 1: life in danger of the other day to go haset. Well,

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Speaker 1: So that's gonna be my next question because I know

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Speaker 1: you mentioned to me that, um, you put your life

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Speaker 1: in situations that were kind of scary and like how

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Speaker 1: you would meet people online or just meet random strangers.

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Speaker 1: So when was the time that you put yourself in danger? Um, So,

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Speaker 1: there've been quite a few. Um So, like I said, oh,

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Speaker 1: there's been a few. So the online situation, like I

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Speaker 1: literally met a guy. I think I might have been

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Speaker 1: on PLF or something. I literally met him. He was

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Speaker 1: the most disrespectful thing, came into my in box and

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Speaker 1: basically was like I wouldn't suck you. And for some

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Speaker 1: reason that was a turn on to me, and I

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Speaker 1: was like, okay, wow, got his address and literally, like

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Speaker 1: that day troll or got off work, I drove straight

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Speaker 1: his house. Never met this man day in my life.

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Speaker 1: I didn't even know his name at the time. Um,

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Speaker 1: I drove to his house. He gave me a wonder.

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Speaker 1: I was like, hey, I'm outside. He opened the door.

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Speaker 1: I was like, well, you look like the guy on

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Speaker 1: the picture. Let's do it. Wow. He could have been anybody.

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Speaker 1: He could have I could have been gaging, Like, he

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Speaker 1: could have killed me, he could have dragged me. He

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Speaker 1: would have been anybody. And at the time I didn't care.

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Speaker 1: And then one when it was done, likes like did

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Speaker 1: he did y'all talk? Or like you just up and left? No,

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Speaker 1: we didn't talk. I mean I got up, I got dressed,

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Speaker 1: I left, and then like he kept hitting me up.

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Speaker 1: So I just made him a regular funk buddy. But

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Speaker 1: that's all that it was. It wasn't mean soon and

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Speaker 1: I didn't care about his feelings. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: hear about your day, none of that. And then what

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Speaker 1: about another time, because I mean they could be kind

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Speaker 1: of like scary, especially if you're not telling people, like

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Speaker 1: where you going and you're literally and I've seen pictures

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Speaker 1: of you, like you're small, like a small you're small frame,

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Speaker 1: so like I'm like, she's tiny, I'm only five too,

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Speaker 1: And I would lie. I would lie about where I

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Speaker 1: was going, so nobody knew of where I was. Um.

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Speaker 1: It actually led me to enter into a sugar baby lifestyle.

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Speaker 1: For a while. My next question, Um, so yeah, that

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Speaker 1: became dangerous, um because I would basically putting myself in

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Speaker 1: situations to be trafficked. Um. But I have, you know,

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Speaker 1: literally walked around and like like there have been days

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Speaker 1: where I've gone to them all just to go find

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Speaker 1: somebody to have sex. Why do you so you just

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Speaker 1: go up to them and be like, Hey, I want

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Speaker 1: to what's your name? I want to fuck? I mean,

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Speaker 1: I guess that's the bonus about being a girl because

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Speaker 1: guys can't really pull it off like we can't. But

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Speaker 1: as a woman, if you go outside and screaming middle

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Speaker 1: of the street I want to have who wants to

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Speaker 1: have sex with me? There's gonna be at least like

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Speaker 1: four or five people who are gonna say me not

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Speaker 1: that hard. So yeah, I would just walk up to

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Speaker 1: guys like I don't have sex? Yeah maybe like huh,

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Speaker 1: like yeah, I don't want to have sex with you,

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Speaker 1: like like right now, yeah, right now. Do you think

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Speaker 1: they do sometimes blackout when you have to feed this hunger?

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Speaker 1: M hmm, No, because I can't really say black out

255
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Speaker 1: because I remember everything and I wish I because I

256
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Speaker 1: wish I could say I've blacked out, like I feel

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Speaker 1: like it would it would be able to make me

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Speaker 1: feel a little better about it, and I would help

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Speaker 1: you justify it, I guess in a way. But I can't.

260
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Speaker 1: I can't lie and say that a blackout because I

261
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Speaker 1: remember and do you enjoy it? Dude? Like did you?

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Speaker 1: Did you enjoy it? Most of us? Honestly, I know

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Speaker 1: that sounds crazy, but a lot of the times I

264
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Speaker 1: don't even like, like, I mean, I've had a lot

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Speaker 1: of bad sex because I mean when women like to us,

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Speaker 1: like busting a nut is not something like I mean,

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Speaker 1: it's it can happen, but like that's more but like exactly,

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Speaker 1: so that's why I was also thinking there, like fully

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Speaker 1: enjoy it, No, And so it's just point where I'm

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Speaker 1: I'm pretty much insatiable. And so it's like, even if

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Speaker 1: I do enjoy, it's not enough about your experience as

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Speaker 1: being a sugar baby, because I think right now everybody's

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Speaker 1: promoting like, oh I want to sugar daddy, I wanna

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Speaker 1: be a sugar baby, like, but I think a lot

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Speaker 1: of people don't know the ends of it, and then

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Speaker 1: how it can be kind of scary. It can be,

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Speaker 1: and so like if anybody like anybody who asked me, oh,

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Speaker 1: I want to be a sugar baby, how to do it?

279
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Speaker 1: I'm like, run away, don't do it. It's not worth it.

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Speaker 1: I don't care how much money they're offering you, it's

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Speaker 1: not worth it. Um. My experience being a sugar baby

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Speaker 1: was um all over the place. I guess like I got.

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Speaker 1: I started out just like meeting guys or you know,

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Speaker 1: little stuff. You know, like girls do little stuff. Ah

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Speaker 1: want my hair done? What my nails doing? And then

286
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Speaker 1: you say, I decided to know if I'm gonna do this,

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Speaker 1: I want like my life set up. You know. You

288
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Speaker 1: can see these girls on t V who used be

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Speaker 1: sugar babies and that worked out for them. Um, but

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Speaker 1: they don't tell you the back end of it. Like

291
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Speaker 1: these men are crazy. Yeah I wasn't. There are websites

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Speaker 1: that I still to this day cannot get my face

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Speaker 1: off of. UM. So that's hard because it's like when

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Speaker 1: you get out of lifestyle, you don't want any and

295
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,880
Speaker 1: like people don't understand that too. You get into this

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Speaker 1: lifestyle and you start doing things, but you don't realize

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Speaker 1: that it's gonna affect you later in life, and so

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Speaker 1: you might get out. You don't want anything to do

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Speaker 1: with it. But when you're still getting emails or you're

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Speaker 1: still getting phone calls from men who are stalking you,

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Speaker 1: like I still have men stalking We wait, how many

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Speaker 1: sugar days? I quite a few? Um, you had them

303
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Speaker 1: bills paid, baby, they were paid, you know they were.

304
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Speaker 1: It wasn't worth it. I would perform, was worked it.

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Speaker 1: I had one man who wanted to kill me. Um. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So I had to a sugar daddy who used to

307
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Speaker 1: give me quite a large amount of money a month.

308
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Speaker 1: He basically was like, ok yeah, held a month. Um.

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Speaker 1: And it's crazy because I actually never slept with him,

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Speaker 1: but it was based off of the promise that I would.

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Speaker 1: And um, you know what's so funny he was It's

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Speaker 1: so funny that I'm saying is and I never slept

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Speaker 1: with him either, But the dolt that he the fact

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Speaker 1: that he thought that I was. He used to give

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Speaker 1: me mad money. Now he didn't give me. It's amazing

316
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Speaker 1: to me what men would do for as Yeah, and

317
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:38,240
Speaker 1: it's it's crazy, um, but it's also amazing what they

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00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,680
Speaker 1: will do when they don't get that at night. And

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Speaker 1: so what happened with him was, you know, I wrote

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Speaker 1: it out for two months because he was like out

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Speaker 1: of the country. He was a contractor or something, and

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00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,520
Speaker 1: you know, the basically the deal was, I'm gonna give

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Speaker 1: you this money, you take care of my penthouse whatever

324
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Speaker 1: you know, I'll send you and give you a key.

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Speaker 1: And I had a certain spot where would go pick

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Speaker 1: up my money. Like I never had to interact with

327
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Speaker 1: anybody I didn't know. Um, but the promise wasn't when

328
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,440
Speaker 1: he came home. I was supposed to turn it out.

329
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Speaker 1: And so when I got the call that he was

330
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Speaker 1: supposed to come home, I dipped. I disappeared my phone number.

331
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:18,600
Speaker 1: I fell off of the math. He clearly ten thousand

332
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:23,680
Speaker 1: dollars later, was pissed um and he wanted me dead.

333
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:29,919
Speaker 1: And so for three years I was walking around scared

334
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:34,600
Speaker 1: for my life. Was he like contacting you and stuff? Oh,

335
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,679
Speaker 1: he was blowing me up, like he was finding me.

336
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,240
Speaker 1: He found me on social media. I had to block

337
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:43,000
Speaker 1: him on everything. He I used to have a Google

338
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:45,040
Speaker 1: voice phone number, so it was meant that's what made

339
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,920
Speaker 1: it really easy for me to disappear. Um. So like

340
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:50,560
Speaker 1: even to this day, like you know, I'm pretty much

341
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,679
Speaker 1: over it, and I'm like, okay, well he found me

342
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:56,119
Speaker 1: is whatever. But like a couple of months ago, I

343
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,520
Speaker 1: remember sitting with my friend and I was on the

344
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:00,679
Speaker 1: computer and my you know, on my email in my

345
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,600
Speaker 1: Google voice ranging my Google voice that's not raining years,

346
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:08,560
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh my god, and she's like,

347
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,479
Speaker 1: well answer, I was like, no, I only used Google

348
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,400
Speaker 1: Voice for one thing. Back then, we are not answering.

349
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:18,800
Speaker 1: And there's another guy, Like there's some guy out there

350
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,560
Speaker 1: who he wasn't even a sugar that he was just

351
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,000
Speaker 1: I was a lot of weird websites. And then met

352
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,639
Speaker 1: somebody else who still stock gave me to this day

353
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,600
Speaker 1: because he wanted me to have a threesome like him

354
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:31,160
Speaker 1: and his wife and I didn't want to do it.

355
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:36,479
Speaker 1: And he just recently like found me on Instagram. Hi

356
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,960
Speaker 1: find where I guess you're because you're telling them your

357
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,920
Speaker 1: real name. Well yeah, and see that was a dumb

358
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,800
Speaker 1: thing back then. I was saying my real name. Um,

359
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:48,119
Speaker 1: I used to be a full figured model, so I

360
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:51,000
Speaker 1: was using those pictures on that website, and so I'm

361
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:56,440
Speaker 1: sure Google image those pictures. It's really easy to find me. Um.

362
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,440
Speaker 1: You know, I I now do things that make me

363
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,359
Speaker 1: a public figure. So that also makes it a little

364
00:19:00,359 --> 00:19:03,320
Speaker 1: harder to find me. I mean a little easier to

365
00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:06,119
Speaker 1: find me. Um. So yeah, they know my they know

366
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,400
Speaker 1: my They don't know my last name, most of them don't,

367
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,680
Speaker 1: but they know my first name. Do you feel like

368
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:12,360
Speaker 1: when you was with your sugar dads, had they ever

369
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:16,720
Speaker 1: wanted you to do like some weird ship? Oh my gosh. Yeah,

370
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:21,000
Speaker 1: I know when the guy who was giving me money

371
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,000
Speaker 1: he wants to be like the craziest ship. And I

372
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:24,639
Speaker 1: used to be like, nigger if you don't calm your

373
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Speaker 1: ass down. Like I've met guys like I've been white

374
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:33,879
Speaker 1: guys who have obsessions. You always know because they come

375
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:38,920
Speaker 1: in your inbox like oh you beautiful chocolate, thunder Queen Nature,

376
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,359
Speaker 1: and you'd be like what and I just like throw

377
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:46,080
Speaker 1: all these combinations, like you Queen of Egypt, you clear

378
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:51,679
Speaker 1: Patra chocolate, and I'm I would like, just take it

379
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:56,280
Speaker 1: down a couple, not just sir, but you already know

380
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,280
Speaker 1: like off of that that they have a fetish with

381
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:01,280
Speaker 1: black women. So I had those who were just like

382
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,800
Speaker 1: upset with the fact that I was black. I've met

383
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:07,639
Speaker 1: people who had foot fetishes. I had a really really

384
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:11,040
Speaker 1: nasty guy. Yeah, so he was polyamorous. He convinced me

385
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:15,520
Speaker 1: to join this polyamorous lifestyle for a while, I did

386
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:21,320
Speaker 1: it and for me, So for me, I agreed to

387
00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:23,760
Speaker 1: it because it was like a way to be in

388
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,440
Speaker 1: a relationship and still do what I wanted to do.

389
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,800
Speaker 1: Because of the addiction, I knew I was gonna change,

390
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:34,919
Speaker 1: so you was. It was like permissent a woman, you know,

391
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,840
Speaker 1: I was what I met. We were polyamorous, so it's

392
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:40,679
Speaker 1: not like polygamy. So polyamory basically it's like an open relationship.

393
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:42,840
Speaker 1: You do you, I'm gonna do me as long as

394
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,880
Speaker 1: we tell each other what we're doing. It's not cheating

395
00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,280
Speaker 1: and really nasty. So he used to get off on

396
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,040
Speaker 1: the fact that I was having sex with other men,

397
00:20:51,359 --> 00:20:55,119
Speaker 1: So he was really feeding my addiction because he would

398
00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:56,760
Speaker 1: ask me like, who did you have sex with today?

399
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,680
Speaker 1: How many people did you have sex with today? See

400
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,639
Speaker 1: me a picture, see me and they yo, did you

401
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:06,800
Speaker 1: see them? The videos? Oh? Wow, what's going thanks for

402
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:14,639
Speaker 1: myself that I would never black was wow, that's like

403
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:22,480
Speaker 1: some white manship. And he was like, you know, he

404
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:23,800
Speaker 1: got off the fact off of the fact that I

405
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:25,760
Speaker 1: used to have that to other dudes. He was like,

406
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:27,840
Speaker 1: if you wouldn't have that for girls, you can, And

407
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,720
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know. I was more into

408
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:32,640
Speaker 1: the guys. So I didn't really make a difference to me,

409
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,720
Speaker 1: but I would for me. I used it as a

410
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:37,560
Speaker 1: way to do what I wanted to do because I

411
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:40,960
Speaker 1: was like, well, I was gonna cheat anyway, so thank

412
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:42,919
Speaker 1: you for the permission. And then I wouldn't just do

413
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:45,760
Speaker 1: whatevery X Oh you want to picture? Cool here? Oh

414
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,800
Speaker 1: you want the video? Okay, we I don't really want

415
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:49,240
Speaker 1: to make a video, but we'll make it real quick.

416
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:56,080
Speaker 1: Hold on, wow, So what made you stop having sugar day?

417
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:58,080
Speaker 1: It's like there's something happened for you to like get out,

418
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:00,840
Speaker 1: to get out of that. Um well, the guy who

419
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:03,280
Speaker 1: wanted to kill me was definitely like my my flag

420
00:22:03,359 --> 00:22:07,760
Speaker 1: to go. Yeah, when I realized like, okay, you've probably

421
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:12,040
Speaker 1: crossed the line a little bit, um and so yeah,

422
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:13,840
Speaker 1: the fact that I had to like walk around looking

423
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:18,679
Speaker 1: over my shoulder on a regular basis, um no, I

424
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:22,280
Speaker 1: never physically met him, and then the ones who had

425
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:24,520
Speaker 1: physically meant who were starting to stalk me. So that

426
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:28,639
Speaker 1: was also a reason that I wanted out. Um, I

427
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,800
Speaker 1: just I didn't like it, Like the you know, I

428
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:35,720
Speaker 1: got a couple of dollars, but I didn't like I

429
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:39,720
Speaker 1: didn't like how it felt mm hmm, completely against my

430
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,520
Speaker 1: beliefs and my morals and values. And so I was

431
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,240
Speaker 1: like I was already doing things that were outside but

432
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,840
Speaker 1: I just saw myself progressing. I didn't get out. Then

433
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,560
Speaker 1: I was never gonna stop. I know, even thought about shame.

434
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:55,240
Speaker 1: So was there ever time when you woke up and

435
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:59,480
Speaker 1: you're just like what am I doing? Yeah? So that

436
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:02,880
Speaker 1: was a couple of years ago. Um, I would say

437
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:09,439
Speaker 1: like two thousand. I would say two thousand fourteen. I

438
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:13,080
Speaker 1: was like, okay, chill out. And this was actually before

439
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,040
Speaker 1: I was a Seger baby. And then I so I

440
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:21,840
Speaker 1: attempted to be like having sex all together and just

441
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,680
Speaker 1: like shut everything down. I'm not talking to anybody, and

442
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:26,400
Speaker 1: then that fails for a while. Um, and so when

443
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:29,399
Speaker 1: that fail, that's when I went on this crazy sex spree.

444
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,840
Speaker 1: I started having sex with any and everybody I could find.

445
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,360
Speaker 1: That's when I became a sugar baby. Like I wild

446
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:39,840
Speaker 1: out for about a year. Um, and then two thousand

447
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,040
Speaker 1: and fifteen came and I was just like, you gotta

448
00:23:42,119 --> 00:23:44,359
Speaker 1: do something different, and I was I would getting older,

449
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,199
Speaker 1: and I was just like, I want to get married,

450
00:23:46,359 --> 00:23:51,080
Speaker 1: I want to have children, all right, and happened living

451
00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:54,280
Speaker 1: like this. How you ever thought about like seeking therapy,

452
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,080
Speaker 1: especially since the things that happened to you when you

453
00:23:56,119 --> 00:24:03,000
Speaker 1: were younger. Yeah, I had and I'm actually and so

454
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:08,160
Speaker 1: yeah that's excited. What made you want to go to therapy? Um? So, okay,

455
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:12,680
Speaker 1: I became like, as a way to cope with my addiction,

456
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:17,919
Speaker 1: I decided to go cold Turkey and it's extreme. Um

457
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:19,719
Speaker 1: So I decided. I was like, I'm gonna be celibate.

458
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:21,800
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna have sex till I get married. And

459
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:25,600
Speaker 1: I thought that was gonna fix it. M So, like

460
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,920
Speaker 1: settle Bit has literally like challenged me in every way

461
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:35,399
Speaker 1: possible in life, um, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I go,

462
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,800
Speaker 1: it's like you go through withdrawal just like any other drug.

463
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,760
Speaker 1: And so they have literally where I have like broken

464
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,640
Speaker 1: down and cried because I couldn't because when I'm derding

465
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,679
Speaker 1: to be settle Bit, you know, I kind of like

466
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:52,000
Speaker 1: took steps down. I didn't just go cold Turkey. I

467
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,119
Speaker 1: was like, I'm not gonna have sex. Okay, now I'm

468
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:57,720
Speaker 1: gonna eliminate porn Okay, now I'm gonna eliminate masturbation things

469
00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:59,879
Speaker 1: like that, and so I literally like cried over not

470
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:04,320
Speaker 1: mastribating or not being like I have whole meltdowns. I

471
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:06,720
Speaker 1: have a friend whose house she's like my safe house.

472
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:08,320
Speaker 1: When I can't take it anymore, I go to her

473
00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:11,320
Speaker 1: house because she lives out in the country. I go

474
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,400
Speaker 1: to her house and I'm like, don't let me go anywhere.

475
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:16,560
Speaker 1: My phone barely works there, and I was like, don't

476
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:19,480
Speaker 1: give me the WiFi, take my home, don't let me

477
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,160
Speaker 1: go anywhere, because I don't know what. I didn't even

478
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,959
Speaker 1: think about porn. I'm pretty sure porn played a big

479
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:28,280
Speaker 1: part of this too well. Porn. I became addicted to

480
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:32,880
Speaker 1: porn when I tried to stop having sex, wow, trying

481
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,040
Speaker 1: to use it as an outlet. And then it became

482
00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:40,160
Speaker 1: like yeah, because you're thinking that if you can stop

483
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:43,439
Speaker 1: doing it physically, but you're still doing it mentally. In

484
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:47,119
Speaker 1: the yeah, like in the attempts to not have sex,

485
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:50,960
Speaker 1: I became addicted to porn and masturbation. So it was

486
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,479
Speaker 1: just as big of a problem because you know, just

487
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:56,840
Speaker 1: as much as I was interrupting my day with having sex,

488
00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:58,840
Speaker 1: I was now interrupting my day with porn and masturbation.

489
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:04,320
Speaker 1: M have you ever had any like pregnancy scares? It's

490
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:09,640
Speaker 1: like STV scares? Um? So I actually have her piece.

491
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:14,520
Speaker 1: I contracted her piece. Um, and that was actually easy.

492
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,879
Speaker 1: I contracted that in a relationship. It had nothing to

493
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:18,879
Speaker 1: do with me, Like like the one time I was

494
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:28,080
Speaker 1: trying to be good, but you know what's right, I'm

495
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:30,600
Speaker 1: I'm out here like God, are you serious? Like I'm

496
00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:34,560
Speaker 1: talking about like, remember you want to be good? I

497
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:41,920
Speaker 1: have here and been fine, but I've um. I mean,

498
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:43,560
Speaker 1: I've been pregnant three times, and I feel like that

499
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:44,800
Speaker 1: was a part of the reason that I felt like

500
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:48,119
Speaker 1: I needed to stop too. Um, I've been three times.

501
00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:52,880
Speaker 1: I've had three miscarriages. I'm so. But would you would

502
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,159
Speaker 1: have kept the babies if you would have if it

503
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:58,879
Speaker 1: would have been a successful pregnancy. Um? Yeah for me,

504
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:03,800
Speaker 1: I personally I couldn't do abortion. UM, so I would

505
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:06,600
Speaker 1: have kept them. But looking at it now, I just

506
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:08,959
Speaker 1: was like a blessing in disguise because I'm like, oh my,

507
00:27:09,359 --> 00:27:12,680
Speaker 1: but I'm just like you could have three kids by

508
00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:15,120
Speaker 1: three different people right now, and then you still saw

509
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:17,239
Speaker 1: to those three different people and they would have been

510
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:22,520
Speaker 1: staircase No, and they would be staircase kids. Um. One

511
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:24,560
Speaker 1: of them was actually in high school. My first one

512
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,119
Speaker 1: was in high school. I actually didn't know it was pregnant.

513
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:31,159
Speaker 1: I was seeing your high school UM. And then I

514
00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:33,639
Speaker 1: had one the year after that and the year after that,

515
00:27:34,359 --> 00:27:36,840
Speaker 1: um hm. And then I like the fact that you

516
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,919
Speaker 1: mentioned that you have her fees because I felt like

517
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:42,600
Speaker 1: when I spoke to my past as um, she spoke

518
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:44,199
Speaker 1: about how she wanted to be the face of her

519
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:45,640
Speaker 1: peas and because I feel like a lot of black

520
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:47,760
Speaker 1: women have it, but a lot of black women are

521
00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:50,200
Speaker 1: not sharing it. And I get the reason why, because

522
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:53,040
Speaker 1: it's one is not anybody's business. But I also feel

523
00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:55,120
Speaker 1: like it's important that we share these stories and sure,

524
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:56,760
Speaker 1: you know, so we could have some type of like

525
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,360
Speaker 1: I have something to look to, you know, so when

526
00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:02,400
Speaker 1: thereever a time, we're like when you did find out

527
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:03,800
Speaker 1: that you had heard me to death affect you in

528
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:07,960
Speaker 1: any way like your self esteem? It did for a while.

529
00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:10,640
Speaker 1: I'm painted my self esteem of course. You know, as

530
00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:13,800
Speaker 1: a woman, when you find out that anything is going

531
00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:16,040
Speaker 1: on with your body, you have like all of these concerns.

532
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:18,200
Speaker 1: Rush you know, we're thinkers. Everything comes to your mind

533
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:21,440
Speaker 1: at one time. And so for me, I accepted someone

534
00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:22,840
Speaker 1: with herpes. That's how I got it. I had was

535
00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:25,040
Speaker 1: in ruytionship with somebody. They found out they had it

536
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:30,480
Speaker 1: during the relationship, and I stayed and m I found

537
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:32,560
Speaker 1: out four years after getting out of the relationship that

538
00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:36,280
Speaker 1: I had heard so for me so many I was

539
00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:39,200
Speaker 1: all in love and stuff. You know. I was like, oh,

540
00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:42,200
Speaker 1: I love him, I ain't going anywhere, We'll work it out,

541
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:46,920
Speaker 1: whatever and so. And I don't have any regrets to

542
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:50,800
Speaker 1: this day. I don't have any regrets. Um. But for me,

543
00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:52,800
Speaker 1: a million things went through my mind. It was just like,

544
00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:56,479
Speaker 1: you know, oh my gosh, I want children house. It's

545
00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:59,360
Speaker 1: gonna take me having children. How else is gonna take

546
00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:01,360
Speaker 1: my dating life? Like who's gonna take the Who's gonna

547
00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:03,160
Speaker 1: want to be with the girl who has herpes? You know?

548
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:07,320
Speaker 1: I accepted him, but guys think differently than girls. You know,

549
00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:10,560
Speaker 1: I felt dirty. I didn't want to talk to anybody

550
00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:14,960
Speaker 1: about it. Um. Yeah, the stigma behind it is so big.

551
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,880
Speaker 1: I wasn't very I knew very little about it. I

552
00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:22,120
Speaker 1: knew a little bit from being in that relationship, or

553
00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:24,800
Speaker 1: I knew as much as I could Google, um, which

554
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:31,360
Speaker 1: isn't accurate, Like you cannot trust Google. Google is the devil,

555
00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,240
Speaker 1: Like when it comes to herpes, you cannot trust Google.

556
00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:37,920
Speaker 1: They're not loyal. Don't trust them. I'm saying like I

557
00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:39,840
Speaker 1: had every kind of thought, like what is my family

558
00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:42,000
Speaker 1: gonna think of me? What are my friends gonna think

559
00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:45,000
Speaker 1: of me? And I know it sounds crazy, but like

560
00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:47,560
Speaker 1: I guess according to my addiction, I was like, damn,

561
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:52,280
Speaker 1: I can't hold out no more. Hey, the hole with

562
00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:55,680
Speaker 1: a conscience because I'm carrying something that I could give

563
00:29:55,720 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 1: to somebody. Mm hmm. It's too I think that helps

564
00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:03,720
Speaker 1: slow me down. Um, because as much as I have

565
00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:07,160
Speaker 1: a problem, it's like I didn't have the heart not

566
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:09,560
Speaker 1: to give somebody a choice because somebody gave me a choice.

567
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:13,440
Speaker 1: That was so I couldn't just be out here doing

568
00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:15,760
Speaker 1: it and not saying nothing because I'm like, he didn't

569
00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:17,320
Speaker 1: do that to me. He told me, he gave me

570
00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:22,160
Speaker 1: a choice, So you would tell though I would tell

571
00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:25,200
Speaker 1: that you'd be surprised. I mean, you don't care. Oh yeah, man,

572
00:30:26,840 --> 00:30:30,160
Speaker 1: they don't care. I've literally tried to use that as

573
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:32,080
Speaker 1: an excuse not to have sex with somebody and he

574
00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:36,080
Speaker 1: was like, so you're gonna be here at eight or no? Wow?

575
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:42,320
Speaker 1: I mean bash man on this podcast, but like, is

576
00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:49,560
Speaker 1: really gonna be caring? I don't, And that's car It's terrifying.

577
00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:51,960
Speaker 1: And so for me, one of my biggest concerns when

578
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:54,840
Speaker 1: I found out was who did I give it to? M?

579
00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:59,000
Speaker 1: Have anybody ever called you? I have? I have an

580
00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,719
Speaker 1: X who told me that I gave it to him.

581
00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:05,680
Speaker 1: M he I don't know if it really was me

582
00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:07,840
Speaker 1: or not. It could have been, it could not be.

583
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:12,080
Speaker 1: I don't care. I'm okay with accepting the responsibility either way.

584
00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:15,560
Speaker 1: I understand the need to identify where it came from.

585
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:20,280
Speaker 1: So it's like, okay, I'll take that. It's good. Um,

586
00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:22,880
Speaker 1: but it did crush me when I when he said it, like, oh,

587
00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:27,280
Speaker 1: I was messed up for like two or three weeks

588
00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:29,360
Speaker 1: because I was just like, that was one of my

589
00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:34,400
Speaker 1: biggest bears and I did it. Yeah. Um, how about

590
00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:37,240
Speaker 1: your addiction? Um? How does your addiction effected your relationship

591
00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:39,120
Speaker 1: with people? Don't like your mom? Do you like, did

592
00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:42,640
Speaker 1: your mom know about this? So my family does not

593
00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:47,000
Speaker 1: know about my addiction at wow, they don't know. The

594
00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:49,120
Speaker 1: only there's only one person in my family who knows

595
00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:54,720
Speaker 1: about my addiction, and that's my sister. My sister. Do

596
00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:56,640
Speaker 1: you think you ever take your mom? Are you close

597
00:31:56,680 --> 00:32:00,440
Speaker 1: with your mom? I am closed with my mom. Um. Um,

598
00:32:00,640 --> 00:32:02,480
Speaker 1: there's just like there's just a certain things. Me and

599
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:04,480
Speaker 1: my mom have never been the kind that talked about

600
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:07,520
Speaker 1: sex for boys or any of that. We're closed, but

601
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:09,800
Speaker 1: there's just certain things we don't talk about. And it

602
00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:11,560
Speaker 1: is something that I do want to tell my family

603
00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:15,400
Speaker 1: because I desire to help people in that area. Mm hm,

604
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:22,080
Speaker 1: And so I can't keep my mouth closed, right, So um,

605
00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:24,440
Speaker 1: I do want to, you know, talk to myself. But

606
00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:25,880
Speaker 1: I just I guess I never told them because I

607
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:28,960
Speaker 1: don't felt they would understand. And then because to make

608
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:31,120
Speaker 1: them understand, I would have to go back and tell

609
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:34,760
Speaker 1: them things like about molestation and things that they don't know,

610
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:38,480
Speaker 1: Like they don't know about that either. So it's like

611
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:41,920
Speaker 1: it opens up so many doors to even have that

612
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:46,080
Speaker 1: conversation personal molesta, you're and that rapid. Are they in

613
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:49,600
Speaker 1: your family? Like? Are they around still? Yeah? It was

614
00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:53,280
Speaker 1: actually a cousin was like an older cousin and so

615
00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:55,480
Speaker 1: it's like it now it opens all these doors because

616
00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:58,240
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, um, hey, I have a sex edition.

617
00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,840
Speaker 1: So oh, by the way, this happened to me and

618
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:06,160
Speaker 1: this person did it, and so now you're like opening

619
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:12,320
Speaker 1: doors to stuff in the family. And I always think about, like,

620
00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:15,000
Speaker 1: because I spoke to since I've been doing this podcast,

621
00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:17,560
Speaker 1: I'm always because some women hasn't been like molessed all right,

622
00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:19,920
Speaker 1: And one thing I always think about, it's like, wow,

623
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:24,400
Speaker 1: like if they're doing this to someone else nonetimes, I

624
00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:28,760
Speaker 1: tend it it was done to them. Yeah, And so

625
00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:31,520
Speaker 1: that's why I'm like, I do have that desire to

626
00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:34,440
Speaker 1: say something now. Back then it would have been at

627
00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:38,600
Speaker 1: hell though you would have asked me to two years ago,

628
00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:41,280
Speaker 1: i'd be like, I'm taking it to the grave. Hell

629
00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:43,600
Speaker 1: has the freeze over twice before I opened my mouth.

630
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:47,440
Speaker 1: But now I'm to the point where I want children,

631
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:51,480
Speaker 1: like I desiready have a marriage and children. And so

632
00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:54,000
Speaker 1: I guess I have the mindset even when it comes

633
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:56,200
Speaker 1: to my addiction and you know, wanting to get better

634
00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:58,800
Speaker 1: with it. It's like, you know, I would probably believe

635
00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:01,120
Speaker 1: in generational curses, and I'll be damned if it's my kids.

636
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:05,080
Speaker 1: It's it's got to stop somewhere. And so I'm like, Okay,

637
00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:08,000
Speaker 1: I gotta open my mouth now before I have kids,

638
00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:11,879
Speaker 1: so that the cycle isn't continuing because like you said,

639
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:13,880
Speaker 1: if if they did it to me, hands not somebody

640
00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:15,759
Speaker 1: was doing it to them. It's just it's because it's

641
00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:18,759
Speaker 1: keep going. It's not going to stop because somebody opens

642
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:22,840
Speaker 1: their mouth. Um. One thing that I like that you

643
00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:24,720
Speaker 1: brought up, and I think a lot of people don't mention,

644
00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:27,040
Speaker 1: this is how you felt that the things that you

645
00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:31,480
Speaker 1: were doing was going against your face. Um, can you

646
00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:35,480
Speaker 1: elaborate on that just a little bit. Yeah. So I'm

647
00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:40,120
Speaker 1: I'm Christian and I don't believe you know, on our faith,

648
00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:47,160
Speaker 1: you know, purity is promoted heavily and um, you know

649
00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:51,680
Speaker 1: we believe in you know, sex after marriage and you know,

650
00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:56,520
Speaker 1: one man, one woman and so um, you know it's

651
00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:59,160
Speaker 1: like on one hand, I'm like, God, I love you

652
00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:05,759
Speaker 1: so much, but I really need this there Like like

653
00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:11,759
Speaker 1: that's how I would cry. You keep it in one

654
00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:17,000
Speaker 1: hundred and it's like I would cry my eyes out,

655
00:35:17,040 --> 00:35:20,400
Speaker 1: Like I remember sitting in church someday it's just feeling dirty.

656
00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:23,040
Speaker 1: And I'm so blessed to be in the ministry now

657
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:29,000
Speaker 1: where you know, um, there's more healing than convention. And

658
00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:31,959
Speaker 1: so I'm blessed to being a ministry where everything is open,

659
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:33,880
Speaker 1: like I could, I could go and talk to my

660
00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:37,719
Speaker 1: pastor about this and there would be no judgment. But

661
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:40,200
Speaker 1: you know, there I had there. It wasn't always like that,

662
00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:42,440
Speaker 1: and I would just sit in church and feel duststaying like,

663
00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:47,960
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, you're such a Jezebel. It's like, oh,

664
00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:50,400
Speaker 1: did you have this Jezebel spirit that you need to

665
00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:52,000
Speaker 1: get rid of? And even't know what to do. I

666
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,279
Speaker 1: didn't feel like I could talk to anybody about it.

667
00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:56,520
Speaker 1: And it's like, okay, well I need prayer for it,

668
00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:58,200
Speaker 1: but I can't tell you what you gotta pray for,

669
00:35:58,239 --> 00:35:59,879
Speaker 1: because then you're gonna be looking at me some kind

670
00:35:59,880 --> 00:36:01,719
Speaker 1: of way, and you're gonna think I'm sleeping with your

671
00:36:01,719 --> 00:36:07,160
Speaker 1: man or your brother, your son, oh your son, right, so,

672
00:36:09,280 --> 00:36:11,200
Speaker 1: or God forbid to be a man and be twisted,

673
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:19,440
Speaker 1: you're gonna try to sleep with me. Where I didn't

674
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:22,160
Speaker 1: feel like I can ask for prayer, I didn't act

675
00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:25,680
Speaker 1: feel like it was something that God wanted to hear about.

676
00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:33,840
Speaker 1: And so um I think effected infecting my faith in

677
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:36,920
Speaker 1: a negative way for a while, and eventually flipped in

678
00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:38,880
Speaker 1: an effected in positive way because now I talked to

679
00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:41,440
Speaker 1: God more. I'm like, hey, I need your help with this.

680
00:36:41,560 --> 00:36:44,800
Speaker 1: What's up way? Not what we spoken this um previously,

681
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:46,680
Speaker 1: but I know you said you've been um selling it

682
00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:50,040
Speaker 1: for three years now a little bit more over, So

683
00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:51,960
Speaker 1: what is your relationship with sex? Yeah? What is your

684
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:55,480
Speaker 1: relationship with sex? Like now, I was like, yeah, it's

685
00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:57,040
Speaker 1: really hard. Like I told you earlier, I have that

686
00:36:57,120 --> 00:37:00,960
Speaker 1: friend's house, but it's like my escape um that I

687
00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:03,680
Speaker 1: go to. I have a different coping skills, so it's

688
00:37:03,719 --> 00:37:05,960
Speaker 1: like levels to it. So you know, I have good

689
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:08,280
Speaker 1: days and I have bad days. Some days the composer

690
00:37:08,360 --> 00:37:12,600
Speaker 1: thoughts are everyday thing. Um, So I'm learning to just

691
00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:16,759
Speaker 1: kind of shift my thoughts quickly. If I let it

692
00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:19,839
Speaker 1: linger too long, then I can't stop. Yeah, we'll ask

693
00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:21,440
Speaker 1: another question. I was want to actually, we are some

694
00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:23,480
Speaker 1: tools that you use because I know that a lot

695
00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:26,120
Speaker 1: of people have urges and like, like what do you

696
00:37:26,239 --> 00:37:29,000
Speaker 1: do to like calm those urges downs? I know you

697
00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:31,239
Speaker 1: mentioned the house, and I know you say that you

698
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:34,840
Speaker 1: change your thoughts quickly. Is there anything else I check you?

699
00:37:35,719 --> 00:37:39,799
Speaker 1: I try to stay busy. I can't let myself get bored.

700
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:41,799
Speaker 1: When I get bored to get man, when I was saying,

701
00:37:41,840 --> 00:37:45,719
Speaker 1: I used to always get in trouble, getting so much

702
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:47,960
Speaker 1: trouble went on board. So I try to stay busy,

703
00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:51,920
Speaker 1: whether it's work or school or like, I'll be like,

704
00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:53,239
Speaker 1: you need help with this, you need help with that.

705
00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:56,960
Speaker 1: I'm in the laundry, like whatever, I gotta stay busy. Um.

706
00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:00,840
Speaker 1: I try to stay involved. You know, I'm heavy in

707
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:03,080
Speaker 1: my face, so I said to trade, like, stay connected

708
00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:06,080
Speaker 1: to my church, sticknated to my pastor even if it's

709
00:38:06,120 --> 00:38:09,680
Speaker 1: not them, like I listened to us on YouTube, or

710
00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:13,359
Speaker 1: I listen to some gospel music or something. Um, if

711
00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:15,800
Speaker 1: that's not working, I'll try to talk to a friend

712
00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:18,879
Speaker 1: like and I have only talked to certain people because

713
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:20,640
Speaker 1: when you have a problem like this, you can't talk

714
00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:24,480
Speaker 1: to everybody. Um because like I said, like I said,

715
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:27,200
Speaker 1: some people don't understand it, and so they're not They're

716
00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:32,640
Speaker 1: gonna unintentionally encourage it. And I've had that happen. So

717
00:38:32,719 --> 00:38:34,759
Speaker 1: I learned I have to like people that I talked

718
00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:37,759
Speaker 1: to about it, um, who will not encourage my foolishness.

719
00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:41,239
Speaker 1: Because sometimes I get to a point even they can't help.

720
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,320
Speaker 1: Like they'll be trying to talk me down, like, oh, no,

721
00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:46,319
Speaker 1: you're doing so good whatever, and I'm like, I don't care.

722
00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:48,640
Speaker 1: I'm going to them all. I'm not defying somebody, just like, yeah,

723
00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:50,960
Speaker 1: you definitely, people just wanna hold your accountable, especially when

724
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:57,000
Speaker 1: you when you're battling something. Yeah. And so when that's

725
00:38:57,080 --> 00:39:00,520
Speaker 1: not working, that's when I have to like shut down

726
00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:02,960
Speaker 1: and almost isolate myself. And so now I'm to the

727
00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:04,920
Speaker 1: point where I'm like, Okay, I need counseling because this

728
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:07,680
Speaker 1: isn't working. The things that used to work don't work

729
00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:11,440
Speaker 1: no more. No. I think when you once you started therapy,

730
00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:15,839
Speaker 1: I think it's all you don't really see a difference. Yeah,

731
00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:18,920
Speaker 1: because like when I started, like one of my coping

732
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:20,640
Speaker 1: skills used to be group on, and I spent so

733
00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:25,000
Speaker 1: much money. Lord, But what I would do is when

734
00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:26,919
Speaker 1: I couldn't take it anymore and I had just urged

735
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:28,520
Speaker 1: to go have sick, I would buy a group on.

736
00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:32,719
Speaker 1: I would try something and I've run out of group on,

737
00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:37,360
Speaker 1: or I've gotten tired of doing stuff, or I'm like,

738
00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:39,520
Speaker 1: oh I don't want to spend that much money chip

739
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:42,839
Speaker 1: that's not working on something else because that might count

740
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:50,560
Speaker 1: with people group in your email okay have expired like

741
00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:52,239
Speaker 1: I used to stack them up and like, oh, let

742
00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:56,880
Speaker 1: me say four rainy day signs to look for someone.

743
00:39:57,040 --> 00:39:59,920
Speaker 1: If if someone is thinking that they have a sex addiction,

744
00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:03,799
Speaker 1: I would say you science to look for even if

745
00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:07,000
Speaker 1: it's in you know, someone or yourself would be UM,

746
00:40:08,480 --> 00:40:14,080
Speaker 1: if their focus is like on sex, like if everything

747
00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:17,919
Speaker 1: comes back to sex, then that may be an issue

748
00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:20,279
Speaker 1: because I mean there's some type of compulsive thought going on.

749
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:26,560
Speaker 1: UM obviously, like you know, would like permiscuous behavior, And

750
00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:29,240
Speaker 1: that's kind of hard to differentiate between you know, somebody

751
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:33,919
Speaker 1: just enjoying life versus head and said, but I would

752
00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:36,920
Speaker 1: say permiskus behavior and sneaking about it like I was

753
00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:43,479
Speaker 1: very sneaky, still a very sneaking UM putting their selfs

754
00:40:43,480 --> 00:40:47,960
Speaker 1: in compromising positions, Um, whether it be their safety or

755
00:40:49,440 --> 00:40:53,120
Speaker 1: they're I mean, you're obviously jeopardizing your health, but you know,

756
00:40:53,239 --> 00:40:57,160
Speaker 1: definitely jeopardizing your safety or doing things that completely go

757
00:40:57,280 --> 00:41:02,400
Speaker 1: against whatever your beliefs are. Did you get to the

758
00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:04,439
Speaker 1: point where you're doing stuff that you said you would

759
00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:11,240
Speaker 1: never do something wrong? Um, And it's not even stuff

760
00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:12,840
Speaker 1: that you said you would never do, but something that

761
00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:18,200
Speaker 1: you like, it's absolutely not you. So like for me,

762
00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:21,960
Speaker 1: that thing was like two guys. I was like, hell, no,

763
00:41:22,520 --> 00:41:24,680
Speaker 1: we won't go. That's not me, and I did it.

764
00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:30,840
Speaker 1: So what you have is the that was the thing

765
00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:37,080
Speaker 1: that we get you cussed out or train. Um. Even

766
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:39,840
Speaker 1: to this day, I'm like fuzzy on it because to me,

767
00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:42,600
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, anybody ran a train on me because

768
00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:46,040
Speaker 1: it was like one voluntary um, but trains can be

769
00:41:46,239 --> 00:41:47,759
Speaker 1: and it wasn't back to back. It was like a

770
00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:51,719
Speaker 1: all together thing. And then eventually I kicked one guy

771
00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:56,400
Speaker 1: out and just stuff with the second one. So it

772
00:41:56,520 --> 00:42:00,480
Speaker 1: was the three. It was all about me, So to

773
00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:02,200
Speaker 1: me it was a threesome. Some people would say it

774
00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:06,759
Speaker 1: was a train. I don't know. I guess tomato tomato right,

775
00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:10,759
Speaker 1: tomato tomato. Um. What is some advice you would give

776
00:42:10,840 --> 00:42:13,800
Speaker 1: to someone that's battling a sex addition, if someone's listening

777
00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:17,840
Speaker 1: to your story right now, I would say, don't be

778
00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:22,080
Speaker 1: ashamed to get help, UM, don't be ashamed to ask

779
00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:27,840
Speaker 1: for counseling. UM, realize that it's a problem, just like

780
00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:30,360
Speaker 1: anything else is a problem. You know, you're not dirty,

781
00:42:30,680 --> 00:42:35,239
Speaker 1: You're not you're not um disgusting. You're not a whore.

782
00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:38,680
Speaker 1: You don't you know, you don't lack of morals and values.

783
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:40,759
Speaker 1: You have a problem just like anybody else, Just like

784
00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:46,279
Speaker 1: someone who's addicted to heroin or crack cocaine or alcohol

785
00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:51,080
Speaker 1: has a problem and they literally can't. It's the same thing.

786
00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:55,200
Speaker 1: It's no different. And I think the reading I think

787
00:42:55,600 --> 00:42:57,880
Speaker 1: one of the main reasons why I really liked your story,

788
00:42:57,920 --> 00:43:00,040
Speaker 1: and especially just after listening to it pick up, I

789
00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:01,839
Speaker 1: feel like we made light of a lot of days.

790
00:43:02,200 --> 00:43:04,600
Speaker 1: But I also feel like your story is very relatable

791
00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:07,360
Speaker 1: and it kind of makes me feel like if somebody's

792
00:43:07,360 --> 00:43:09,760
Speaker 1: listening to this, that kind of put them at ease that, Okay,

793
00:43:10,200 --> 00:43:14,759
Speaker 1: I can do this. Yeah, I mean, I think one

794
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:17,080
Speaker 1: thing I would tell people is, like the people have

795
00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:20,520
Speaker 1: this misconception that you know, things like this only happened

796
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:22,759
Speaker 1: to people who I mean, either have had some type

797
00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:25,440
Speaker 1: of trauma in their life or and I mean that's

798
00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:27,560
Speaker 1: you know, that could be the case, or or they

799
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:29,960
Speaker 1: didn't have anybody to teach them. They don't know any better.

800
00:43:30,719 --> 00:43:34,239
Speaker 1: I know better, right like, And that's the one thing

801
00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:35,920
Speaker 1: I can never lie and say I know all the

802
00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:38,640
Speaker 1: way better. I wasn't raised that way. I wasn't raised

803
00:43:38,680 --> 00:43:40,239
Speaker 1: in the house where people were in and out like

804
00:43:40,320 --> 00:43:43,040
Speaker 1: a revolving That's that's not how I grew up. Those

805
00:43:43,080 --> 00:43:44,960
Speaker 1: aren't the morals values that I was raised on. And

806
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:48,120
Speaker 1: so it could be anybody. But do you think if

807
00:43:48,200 --> 00:43:52,000
Speaker 1: you would have never been molested or rape you would

808
00:43:52,040 --> 00:43:57,880
Speaker 1: have turned out differently? Um? I mean, I feel like

809
00:43:57,880 --> 00:43:59,319
Speaker 1: I get playing a big part in it. I can't

810
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:02,160
Speaker 1: really say, but because I've never there are people, I say,

811
00:44:02,239 --> 00:44:04,719
Speaker 1: who were never listening right and still have the addiction.

812
00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:09,280
Speaker 1: And I feel like addiction can stem from just about anything.

813
00:44:09,520 --> 00:44:11,759
Speaker 1: Like just like somebody gets addicted to alcohol and they

814
00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:15,759
Speaker 1: were never raising around alcohol or in the household that

815
00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:20,480
Speaker 1: had alcohol, I'll still find theirself addiction or same thing

816
00:44:20,560 --> 00:44:24,120
Speaker 1: with you know, any other drug, like because for me,

817
00:44:24,360 --> 00:44:27,040
Speaker 1: sex was a coping skill and with most people who

818
00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:30,800
Speaker 1: have addictions, it's their coping mechanism. Just like if you

819
00:44:31,040 --> 00:44:36,040
Speaker 1: addicted to alcohol, you like people like, oh I have

820
00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:39,200
Speaker 1: that something happens I need to drink. For me, it

821
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:40,560
Speaker 1: was something. It wasn't I need to drink, it was

822
00:44:40,600 --> 00:44:44,719
Speaker 1: I need to have six Well, if you have any

823
00:44:44,840 --> 00:44:48,040
Speaker 1: questions for my guests, please email me and hello at

824
00:44:48,080 --> 00:44:50,799
Speaker 1: the professional homegoard dot com. I want to say thank

825
00:44:50,840 --> 00:44:52,600
Speaker 1: you so much to my guests for sharing your story.

826
00:44:52,719 --> 00:44:54,359
Speaker 1: I think this is a really good story, even though

827
00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:56,799
Speaker 1: it made a little couple of jokes here and now,

828
00:44:56,880 --> 00:44:59,080
Speaker 1: but I think it was really empowering because, like we

829
00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:01,080
Speaker 1: said earlier, I don't think that a lot of people

830
00:45:01,200 --> 00:45:05,080
Speaker 1: give this UM give sex addiction a pace like. I

831
00:45:05,080 --> 00:45:07,040
Speaker 1: don't think people put more into it like they should,

832
00:45:07,040 --> 00:45:08,960
Speaker 1: because I think people just think that, oh, you're having sex.

833
00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:12,080
Speaker 1: Everybody has sex. So yeah, I'm going to keep in

834
00:45:12,160 --> 00:45:13,799
Speaker 1: contact with my guest because I want to hand back

835
00:45:13,840 --> 00:45:19,879
Speaker 1: their first week of therapy. So we will up UM

836
00:45:20,520 --> 00:45:23,560
Speaker 1: and thank you guys for listening. Until next time. Later,

837
00:45:26,080 --> 00:45:26,480
Speaker 1: Aden