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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space, we shouldn't

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Speaker 1: just be drinking and letting our guard down, or smoking

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Speaker 1: or whatever it is around anybody.

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Speaker 2: Let's kind of get.

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Speaker 1: To see their vibe first, so we can see if

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Speaker 1: we feel safe enough to be in that environment with them,

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Speaker 1: because it's easy to let our guards down and to

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Speaker 1: not see the red flags when we're under the influence.

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Speaker 3: Hey, lady, have you ever felt like the world just

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Speaker 3: doesn't get you? Well, we do.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 1: and empowering women like you.

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Speaker 3: We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard and educator and psychologists.

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Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techy and transformational speaker.

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Speaker 3: Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from

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Speaker 3: fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black

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Speaker 3: women to just be.

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Speaker 1: Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow

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Speaker 1: button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady,

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Speaker 1: We are black founded and black owned, and your support

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Speaker 1: will help us reach even more women like you.

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Speaker 3: Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 1: If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps.

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Speaker 1: This is for you. Hey, lady, is Tea here and

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Speaker 1: I just want to invite you to my free goal

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Speaker 1: map like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the

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Speaker 1: five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.

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Speaker 1: Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,

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Speaker 1: or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop

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Speaker 1: will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to

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Speaker 1: take back control.

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Speaker 2: Reserve your spot for.

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Speaker 1: Free by visiting her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on

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Speaker 1: the goal map like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't

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Speaker 1: miss this chance to build a roadmap that fits your

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Speaker 1: life and set you up for success.

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Speaker 2: I hope to see you there all right.

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Speaker 3: Our quote of the day, Lady, If you listened last week,

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Speaker 3: then you know you will. This quote will be familiar,

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Speaker 3: but we're gonna say it again to make sure you

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Speaker 3: hear it. Discernment is the ability to see things for

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Speaker 3: what they really are and not what we want them

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Speaker 3: to be. I'm gonna say it one more time. Discernment

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Speaker 3: is the ability to see things for what they really

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Speaker 3: are and not what we want them to be. And

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Speaker 3: so lady, if you are tuning into this episode and

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Speaker 3: you did not check out How to Build your discernment

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Speaker 3: and Stop letting Manipulators into your life, Part One, we

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Speaker 3: encourage you to pause this episode and go back and

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Speaker 3: listen to that episode first, because that episode lays the

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Speaker 3: foundation for what we're going to talk about today. All right, So,

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Speaker 3: te do you want to give us a quick recap

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Speaker 3: on what that first episode was? Just let's do high level,

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Speaker 3: high level quick overviews so that folks, folks who did

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Speaker 3: listen last week get a quick refresher.

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Speaker 2: Let's do it.

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Speaker 1: So what we did, Lady, you'll have to go back

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Speaker 1: to the episode to understand. I guess our perspective on

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Speaker 1: this quote and what we think about it. And then

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Speaker 1: we talked about some stories, y'all. We led with a story.

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Speaker 1: Donald shared a story about a previous relationship in which

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Speaker 1: she saw some red flags and didn't listen to discernment

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Speaker 1: initially and then found.

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Speaker 2: Out, oh, some bullshit.

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Speaker 1: I shared a story about the same thing, but it

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Speaker 1: was some demon dick involved in my stories.

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Speaker 2: You got to go back to the previous episode for

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Speaker 2: that story.

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Speaker 1: And then we talked about society's messages to women and

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Speaker 1: their impact on us. We talked about how it all

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Speaker 1: begins with us and understanding how we're wired, reflecting on

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Speaker 1: past relationship and just really setting ourselves up for success

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Speaker 1: when it comes to interact with new people. We also

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Speaker 1: share some reflection questions, but today today we are talking

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Speaker 1: about how we can recognize manipulative behaviors. We also have

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Speaker 1: some supplemental episodes that we touched on where we do

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Speaker 1: a deeper dive into that topic, but today what we

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Speaker 1: really want to focus on, We're going to focus on

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Speaker 1: the seven tips to build discermon and stop letting manipulators

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Speaker 1: into our lives. So that's what we're going to double

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Speaker 1: down on for today. And of course time. You know,

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Speaker 1: I got a story for you, girl, So.

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Speaker 3: I'm ready let's hear it.

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Speaker 1: And I feel like this story is going to show

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Speaker 1: some growth, okay, y'all. So the first story I told

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Speaker 1: was about demon Dick and about me being digmatized and

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Speaker 1: just like not listening to my gut and intuition and

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Speaker 1: I fucked around and found out.

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Speaker 2: But this time around, all.

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Speaker 1: Right now literally and figuratively, please don't remind me. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to have no flashbacks. Dom Oh my gosh

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Speaker 1: I'm still working progress. Don't test me now, all right,

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Speaker 1: So down this story right, let me tell you, girl,

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Speaker 1: what happened. So I was hanging out. I feel like

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Speaker 1: all my stories are like dating, y'all. It's like, oh

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Speaker 1: my god. So I was talking to this guy, right,

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Speaker 1: we were hanging out. Everything was cool right down. But

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Speaker 1: I feel like I am in a different I'm in

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Speaker 1: a different season of life compared to when I was

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Speaker 1: in my whole phase right where I was just like,

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Speaker 1: I'm out here having fun. So I'm just observing things differently.

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Speaker 1: Sex is not a big priority for me now, and

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Speaker 1: so I'm just building connections and picking up on signs.

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Speaker 1: So let me tell you what happened, and I want

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Speaker 1: to hear your feedback on what you think.

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Speaker 2: So we were conversing.

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Speaker 1: Everything was good, And what I was observing about him

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Speaker 1: as we were talking is that one he was talking

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Speaker 1: a lot and holding a lot of space, but there

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Speaker 1: wasn't a lot of like reciprocation. So I didn't hear

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Speaker 1: like he asked a couple questions, but it wasn't like

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Speaker 1: the way that I was very interested in historics. I'm

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Speaker 1: generally very interested in people in their perspectives. It just

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Speaker 1: wasn't given like I'm very interested in you and what

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Speaker 1: you have to say. So I was like, Okay, made

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Speaker 1: a mental note a girl. A couple other things, the

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Speaker 1: red flags which is going off. A couple other things happened.

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Speaker 1: The one he made a comment. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: go to DJIL because he may listen to the podcast,

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Speaker 1: but he made a comment about something that I chose

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Speaker 1: to do that he thought was wrong. Okay, I'll just

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Speaker 1: say that, And he made the comment and it was

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Speaker 1: kind of flirty and funny at first, but then he

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Speaker 1: said that he kept bringing it up, and he brought

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Speaker 1: it up I would say maybe like five to eight

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Speaker 1: times while we were hanging out for a couple of hours.

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Speaker 2: We were hanging out, and so.

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Speaker 1: As he began to bring it up, first I laughed

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Speaker 1: about it, and then I was like, okay, hold on,

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Speaker 1: and I was reflecting. I was like, how does this

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Speaker 1: make me feel? Because it did not. It wasn't sitting

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Speaker 1: right in my gut. I didn't like it. It wasn't like

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Speaker 1: he did anything extreme, but it was like a joke

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Speaker 1: that went too motherfucking along. I was like, okay, motherfucking

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Speaker 1: we got the joke, you digging it deeper and it's

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Speaker 1: too much. So before he left, he made a comment

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Speaker 1: that just like, just imagine all the alarms just going

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Speaker 1: off in the building, like the fire alarm, the smoke

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Speaker 1: detect I mean, everything is just going off. And what

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Speaker 1: he said was he said it in a joking way,

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Speaker 1: but I did not like this shit, and he will

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Speaker 1: he will never have access to me in the way

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Speaker 1: that he did before. What he said was he said, well,

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Speaker 1: forget your opinion, this is what you need to do,

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Speaker 1: and was like telling me, like, you need to go

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Speaker 1: with what I'm saying because this is right, and da

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Speaker 1: da da, And I was like, oh, I said, okay. Well,

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Speaker 1: I was like, well, you're going a little too far.

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Speaker 1: And then after I've reflected on our entire interaction, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, that was so wild to me, Like

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Speaker 1: that he had the audacity to say, forget your opinion,

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Speaker 1: this is what you need to do. So that to

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Speaker 1: me was like the hugest red flag. And to me,

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Speaker 1: no matter how amazing anything else he does after that,

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Speaker 1: I'm just not he's not going to be in my

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Speaker 1: inner circle. He's not going to be someone that I am,

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Speaker 1: you know, in an intimate relationship with so that was

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Speaker 1: it down. I felt like there was one more thing

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Speaker 1: that I wanted to share with you that he said, but.

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Speaker 2: I think of it later.

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Speaker 3: You ain't even got to share anymore because to me,

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Speaker 3: tell me right off the bat, like so one you

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Speaker 3: listening to how paying attention to how his word and

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Speaker 3: actions make you feel in your body? I feel that

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Speaker 3: that is so important, right and that that tually helps

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Speaker 3: us with discernment is how does this make us feel

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Speaker 3: in our body? Am I feeling that those warm and

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Speaker 3: fuzzy feelings? Or is something like alarm bells equivalent to

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Speaker 3: alarm bells going off? Right? Do I feel like my

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Speaker 3: heart rate like increasing? Do I feel like a tightness

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Speaker 3: in my chest? Do I feel not butterflies in my

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Speaker 3: stomach but like nots right?

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Speaker 4: Like?

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Speaker 3: Do I feel myself tensing up when I'm around this

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Speaker 3: person or as they're saying or doing certain things. Those

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Speaker 3: are cues to let you know this is not good.

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Speaker 3: Pay attention and this is not good. And then for

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Speaker 3: him to say, forget your opinion, forget your opinion. To me,

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Speaker 3: that level of invalidation was this like the first time

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Speaker 3: y'all were hanging out like no.

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Speaker 1: We have a report, but it was it was a

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Speaker 1: different type of vibe that we had.

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Speaker 2: But girl was I was so shocked.

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Speaker 1: Even though it was said in a facetious way, I

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Speaker 1: was like, oh, no, that is none.

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Speaker 3: That is because to me, when someone says forget your opinion,

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Speaker 3: you need to do what I'm saying, even if it's

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Speaker 3: said in a joking way, that is a level that

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Speaker 3: is them asserting a level of control that to me

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Speaker 3: is a sign that if this this is how they

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Speaker 3: if this is what they say when they're joking, I

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Speaker 3: don't want to or need to find out how they

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Speaker 3: would respond when they truly are serious.

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Speaker 1: Exactly. That was my question. It was like, where does

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Speaker 1: this lead to? Like, Okay, yes, it's a joke, and

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Speaker 1: lady you might be thinking like, oh, Terry, you're taking

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Speaker 1: it too seriously. But when you think of one, I

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Speaker 1: think about my past experiences, I'm factoring in my gut.

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Speaker 1: My body was like began to get uncomfortable because like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: the joke went on too long. Okay, you say the

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Speaker 1: joke tis okay, read the room. You said it like

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Speaker 1: eight times, Like okay, my gut, my intuition, you said

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Speaker 1: the joke that many times, and then you had the

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Speaker 1: audacity to say, forget your opinion. But it was it

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Speaker 1: was set in a facetious way, but it was like

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Speaker 1: low key, like you really this, And there were a

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Speaker 1: couple other things. But after that time, I think that

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Speaker 1: the older me, like when I was back in that

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Speaker 1: very vulnerable phase trying to figure things out and newly separated,

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Speaker 1: I may have been like, oh, it's okay, he's very handsome,

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Speaker 1: he's fun. He had me cracking up and everything outside

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Speaker 1: of that, but it's not worth where else that could

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Speaker 1: lead to based on how he was, you know, how

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Speaker 1: he was showing up. And so the other thing I

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Speaker 1: wanted to point out too, Dominus, one of the things

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Speaker 1: I realized about myself, which we talked about in previous

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Speaker 1: episode to kind of lead us into recognizing manipula behaviors,

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Speaker 1: is that I realized that whenever I make bad decisions,

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Speaker 1: usually bad relationship, bad decisions and intimate relationships or dealing

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Speaker 1: with sex right where it's like either risk behavior or

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Speaker 1: something whroun, I'm like, girl, why do we do that?

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Speaker 1: I'm drinking and smoking, so I'm not necessarily working from

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Speaker 1: my highest self or my best mind because I'm under

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Speaker 1: the influence, and so that was something else I had

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Speaker 1: to learn about myself, is not getting too comfortable too

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Speaker 1: quick with people because I want to be able to

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Speaker 1: see them from a sober lens to understand do you

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Speaker 1: even deserve to get this part of me? So now

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Speaker 1: that I'm in this new phase of life with a

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Speaker 1: different in a different headspace, I have these other boundaries

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Speaker 1: in place.

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Speaker 2: So that's something else to keep in mind.

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Speaker 1: Lady, Like, we shouldn't just be drinking and letting our

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Speaker 1: guard down or smoking or whatever it is around anybody.

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Speaker 1: Let's kind of get to see their vibe first, so

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Speaker 1: we can see if we feel safe enough to be

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Speaker 1: in that environment with them, because it's easy to let

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Speaker 1: our guards down and to not see the red flags

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Speaker 1: when we're under the influence.

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Speaker 3: You know, yes, And I think that that's key in

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Speaker 3: terms of, you know, the reflection work that needs to

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Speaker 3: happen is recognizing what are your vulnerabilities?

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Speaker 2: Yes?

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Speaker 3: Right? And so yeah, So for you it's drinking and

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Speaker 3: smoking right when you're getting to know people. For someone else,

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Speaker 3: it may be paying attention to I think another thing

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Speaker 3: for you is you were freshly single, newly single, right,

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Speaker 3: and so I think for a lot of us, part

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Speaker 3: of what that reflection is identifying what space are you

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Speaker 3: in in life right now? Right? Has there been a

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Speaker 3: circumstance that has changed that may lower your ability to discern,

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Speaker 3: to stay in confidently, infirm in your decision making right

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Speaker 3: and things that you normally would not allow.

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Speaker 1: The other thing I'll add to that too, dominds when

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Speaker 1: you talk about knowing where you're coming from. I was

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Speaker 1: coming from a relationship where there was a lot of trust,

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Speaker 1: and there was a we had a long we had longevity,

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Speaker 1: we had twelve years of building. Yeah, and so I

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Speaker 1: think I was a little naive and that oh the

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Speaker 1: next thing I the next person I talked to, They're

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Speaker 1: going to have that same trust and energy. But it's like, no,

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Speaker 1: everyone has to start fresh, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: But I was still in that same type of energy

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Speaker 1: and posture. So I just didn't really, I guess, reset

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Speaker 1: myself to get ready for the relationship. So I'm glad

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Speaker 1: that you pointed that out. And lady, we're going to

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Speaker 1: jump into these manipulative behaviors from a high level and

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Speaker 1: then dive into the discernment.

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Speaker 2: So don you want to kick us off?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? And so lady, I want to point out that

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Speaker 3: we have a a pretty large catalog of episodes where

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Speaker 3: we talk about recognizing narcissists, where we talk about identifying

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Speaker 3: red flags, and where we talk more deeply about like manipulation.

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Speaker 3: All right, and so we encourage you to go and

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Speaker 3: check out those episodes. You can easily do a search

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Speaker 3: for Cultivating her Space podcast and whatever that particular topic is.

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Speaker 3: So whether it's narcissists, manipulation, red flags, you can put

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Speaker 3: all of that into your search engine and pull up

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Speaker 3: those episodes pretty easily. And again, we have a full

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Speaker 3: catalog of that, and so we're not going to do

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Speaker 3: a deep dive into how to recognize these behaviors. So

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Speaker 3: we're going to keep it simple because again we want

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Speaker 3: to focus on the tips on how to have your

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Speaker 3: discernment practice your servant. So the first manipulative behavior is

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Speaker 3: isolation tactics. So what that simply means is that is

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Speaker 3: this person trying to separate you from your support system, right,

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Speaker 3: and that can that can be in a romantic relationship,

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Speaker 3: that could also be in a job situation. Are you

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Speaker 3: you know, is this person expressing jealousy or dismissing the

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Speaker 3: opinions of those in your support system, or constantly saying

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Speaker 3: to choose them over the people in your support system.

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Speaker 3: It becomes a you gotta choose, you can't have, you

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Speaker 3: can't be connected to both. So that's number one. They engage.

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Speaker 3: They will engage in isolation. Number two is love bombing.

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Speaker 3: That's when it feels like too good to be true,

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Speaker 3: too soon, right, And so what it is is they

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Speaker 3: will overwhelm you with compliments, excessive attention, or gifts, and

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Speaker 3: it all feels it's all to like. You feel special,

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Speaker 3: you feel valued, you feel important. But what it is

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Speaker 3: is it's set up to create emotional dependency on them

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Speaker 3: pretty quickly. So then your guard is down in terms

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Speaker 3: of being able to recognize when the red flags are

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Speaker 3: popping up. Right, So perhaps it's, oh, my gosh, this

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Speaker 3: connection is so amazing. You are such a great person.

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Speaker 3: I never thought i'd find someone like you, and they're

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Speaker 3: trying to spend every day with you. No healthy relationship

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Speaker 3: requires in the beginning, requires you spending all day every

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Speaker 3: day with that person. Let me be clear, when you

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Speaker 3: are infatuated, when you are in like, when you are

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Speaker 3: in the beginning phases of the relationship, you may want

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Speaker 3: to do that. You may feel like, oh, I really

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Speaker 3: want to spend my time with this person, but in

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Speaker 3: a healthy dynamic, you are not spend You truly aren't. Realistically,

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Speaker 3: you don't have the time. So then that takes us

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Speaker 3: to number three, fast tracking the relationship right. So now

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Speaker 3: they're like, oh, we should be spending every day together, right,

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Speaker 3: And as you're spending every day together, what that then

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Speaker 3: moves into is, oh, we need to be official, like monogamous,

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Speaker 3: like we need to label this relationship as we are partners,

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Speaker 3: or maybe even I've never met someone like you. This

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Speaker 3: connection is going so well, we vibe so well, let's

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Speaker 3: talk about marriage. Maybe we should go get married today.

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Speaker 3: And y'all have only been dating for six months or

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Speaker 3: maybe it's two months. In let's let's let's get married

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Speaker 3: right now. Not what is your stance on marriage? Is

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Speaker 3: this a long term goal for the relationship, it's we

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Speaker 3: should be getting married now. Then that takes us to

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Speaker 3: tactic number four, guilt tripping. So let's say that you

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Speaker 3: are on some level recognizing some of the signs and

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Speaker 3: you speak up on it. What guilt tripping looks like

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Speaker 3: is encouraging you to engage in things that you are

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Speaker 3: uncomfort with, so you're like, I don't think we should

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Speaker 3: move that fast. Well, I thought you loved me. If

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Speaker 3: you really loved me, if you really think that we

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Speaker 3: are what we are, what you're that we are meant

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Speaker 3: to be, why wouldn't we get married tomorrow? Or if

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Speaker 3: you leave me now, I won't be able to handle it,

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Speaker 3: And some people may end up going to a space

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Speaker 3: of offering like threatening harm, suicide, homicide. It can get

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Speaker 3: pretty serious. So then that leads to number five. Number

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Speaker 3: five is gaslighting, and we're all familiar with the term gaslighting,

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Speaker 3: so I'm gonna keep it quick. Gaslighting is when they

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Speaker 3: twist the facts, denia the events, or really truly what

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Speaker 3: it looks like. Is making you question your own reality

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Speaker 3: or memory. This is where journaling and keeping a log

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Speaker 3: of what happened can be really helpful. Number six claying

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Speaker 3: the victim, so they consistently present themselves as the victim,

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Speaker 3: so that you find yourself feeling sorry for them, and

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Speaker 3: whether that's making it seem like they are the victim.

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Speaker 3: And thing interactions that you all have with one another,

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Speaker 3: or telling you stories about things that interactions with other

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Speaker 3: people where they are presented as the victim so that

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Speaker 3: you again they're trying to garner your empathy or sympathy

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Speaker 3: and avoid responsibility for what they've done with their behavior.

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Speaker 3: And then that takes us to number seven. Chronic lying

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Speaker 3: and evasion. That also helps. That tactic helps with the

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Speaker 3: gas lighting and playing the victim and making you feel guilty. Right, So,

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Speaker 3: when someone is manipulating you, it does require a lot

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Speaker 3: of deceit or what they would consider half truths so

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Speaker 3: that you're never getting any clear answers so that you

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Speaker 3: are constantly at a loss. Number eight excessive flattery and

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Speaker 3: sweet talking. So this is part of this is one

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Speaker 3: of the manipulation tactics that goes right along with the

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Speaker 3: love bombing and moving too fast. Right, they are giving

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Speaker 3: you way too many compliments that don't feel necessarily accurate

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Speaker 3: for what you're experiencing, or they truly feel over the top.

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Speaker 3: And if they are saying to you statements like you're

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Speaker 3: the best thing that's ever happened to me, this is

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Speaker 3: too good to be true. Yeah, take them at that phrase,

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Speaker 3: it's too good to be true because it probably is.

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Speaker 3: Number nine, it's controlling behavior. So tee that bring me

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Speaker 3: back to your example of that person telling you forget,

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Speaker 3: forget your opinion, do what I say, right, like telling

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Speaker 3: you that things, finding ways to tell you what to do,

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Speaker 3: where to go, who to see, because this often is

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Speaker 3: again going along with that isolation behavior. Number ten is

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Speaker 3: disrespecting the boundaries. I easily can think of multiple examples

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Speaker 3: where I have gone out with someone and they made

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Speaker 3: a joke about something that I was uncomfortable with, and

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Speaker 3: to me, that was disrespecting my boundary. So if I say,

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Speaker 3: I remember, want to clear example, I just got to

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Speaker 3: give this real quick so that people understand how it

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Speaker 3: can be pretty small and you may simp and you

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Speaker 3: can find yourself in a space where you might ignore

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Speaker 3: it if you're not using discernment. I'm very clear about

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Speaker 3: my bedtime. We've talked about how sleep is important to

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Speaker 3: me on multiple episodes. I was dating someone or starting

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Speaker 3: to get to know someone who repeatedly made jokes about

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Speaker 3: my bedtime, right like me being clear that, Like I

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Speaker 3: start my wind down routine around ten o'clock, so I'm

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Speaker 3: not we're not going to be talking on the phone

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Speaker 3: past ten o'clock, and he constantly made jokes about it,

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Speaker 3: so to me, that that added to the list of

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Speaker 3: reasons why I was like, Okay, this person is not

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Speaker 3: a good fit. Disrespecting my boundaries, that's not okay. That's

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Speaker 3: not part of a healthy relationship dynamic. That takes us

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Speaker 3: to number eleven. Inconsistent behaviors. If you find that the

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Speaker 3: person that you are interacting with is unpredictable, so you

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Speaker 3: have no idea what to expect when you are with them,

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Speaker 3: that's a problem. So for example, you all have a disagreement,

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Speaker 3: and so it could be that in that moment they're

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Speaker 3: gonna be they're really demonstrating that they want to fix it,

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Speaker 3: and they're overly affectionate and apologetic, and then all of

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Speaker 3: a sudden, a little bit of time passed and they're

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Speaker 3: withdrawn and they are cold. You may mention it and

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Speaker 3: they brush you off, or maybe the next time you

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Speaker 3: all have a disagreement, they are cold and completely cut

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Speaker 3: you out. Typically, when we have disagreements with people in

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Speaker 3: our lives, we are typically consistent in how we respond.

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Speaker 3: Might not be the healthiest, but it's consistent. So then

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Speaker 3: that takes us to number twelve. Blaming you for everything.

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Speaker 3: So again, they're not taking any responsibility because they're playing

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Speaker 3: the victim. But even if they aren't playing the victim,

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Speaker 3: you are the person who is the problem. If you

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Speaker 3: didn't do A, B and C, I wouldn't have had

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Speaker 3: to respond in this way, laud Or, We're in this

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Speaker 3: predicament because you did X, Y and Z. It's always you, always.

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Speaker 1: And it's never always anybody. Okay, it takes two to ten, go,

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Speaker 1: y'all exactly. We can't operate in extremes or absolutes.

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Speaker 2: Solely.

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Speaker 1: We have a couple of questions that we want to

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Speaker 1: share with you that you can ask yourself when you

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Speaker 1: notice these behaviors. And then we're going to jump into

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Speaker 1: our favorite part, which are the seven tips to build

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Speaker 1: to build law, seven tips to build discernment. I'm about

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Speaker 1: to say resentment, y'all, We're not building resentment. Seven tips

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Speaker 1: to build discernment and stop letting manipulators into your life. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So the questions does this person respect my boundaries or

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Speaker 1: do they consistently pushed against them?

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Speaker 2: Right? How do I feel?

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Speaker 1: How do I feel when I'm around them? Do I

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Speaker 1: feel empowered or drained? Another good one? And also how

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Speaker 1: do I feel when they leave? You know, do I

434
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,360
Speaker 1: feel what I'm reflecting on our interaction together. Have they

435
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:48,159
Speaker 1: isolated me from my support system? And I think when

436
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:50,240
Speaker 1: you talked about isolation earlier, it made me think about

437
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,399
Speaker 1: isolating from support system but also isolating you from your

438
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:56,320
Speaker 1: values and belief even when that God was like, oh,

439
00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:00,600
Speaker 1: forget your opinion, listen to mind like things like that. Again,

440
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:03,919
Speaker 1: jokes are cool, y'all, but at some point, like stuff

441
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:05,800
Speaker 1: is not funny. There's like a little bit of truth

442
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:07,560
Speaker 1: under some of these jokes. You have to look at

443
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,400
Speaker 1: again how you feel when it's being said. So those

444
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:13,320
Speaker 1: are some questions. Don provided us with a great list

445
00:27:13,359 --> 00:27:17,840
Speaker 1: of twelve of those manipulative behaviors and tactics. We have

446
00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:21,960
Speaker 1: those complimentary episodes that you can use to dig in deeper.

447
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:23,879
Speaker 1: But now we're going to dive into the seven tips

448
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:28,080
Speaker 1: to build discernment, and so number one is develop self awareness.

449
00:27:28,119 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 1: There are many ways that you can develop self awareness.

450
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:32,960
Speaker 1: We're going to share some tips today, but lady, use

451
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:33,920
Speaker 1: what works best for you.

452
00:27:34,359 --> 00:27:35,680
Speaker 2: Self Reflection is.

453
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:38,720
Speaker 1: One for me, like taking time to regularly reflect on

454
00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:42,320
Speaker 1: your feelings, thoughts, and actions. And lady, as a woman

455
00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:44,160
Speaker 1: of a particular age right dom and.

456
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:45,399
Speaker 2: I we've lived a lot of life.

457
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,919
Speaker 1: We've had lots of experiences and one thing that I

458
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:54,359
Speaker 1: would recommend to any person, but specifically women, is that

459
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:58,080
Speaker 1: you should always be in a relationship with yourself. You

460
00:27:58,119 --> 00:28:01,320
Speaker 1: should always be dating yourself at every single phase in life,

461
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:05,520
Speaker 1: whether you're single, married in a relationship, whether you're polyamors,

462
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,960
Speaker 1: whatever it is, you should always be in relationship with yourself.

463
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:10,040
Speaker 1: And what does that look like, Well, it could look

464
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:13,439
Speaker 1: like many things, but one includes self reflection so that

465
00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:16,560
Speaker 1: you can understand who am I as an individual outside

466
00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:19,119
Speaker 1: of the roles that I have, outside of the things

467
00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:20,960
Speaker 1: that are on my plate, outside of the hats that

468
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:23,320
Speaker 1: I wear. Because at the end of the day, you

469
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:26,280
Speaker 1: are always going to be with you. Not to be morbid, y'all,

470
00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:27,879
Speaker 1: but people are going to pass. We don't got to

471
00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:29,359
Speaker 1: dive in deep into it. But like people are going

472
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:32,359
Speaker 1: to pass, right, relationships are going to change. You know,

473
00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:34,800
Speaker 1: you may separate whatever it might be, but you're always

474
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:36,240
Speaker 1: going to be with you. And if you keep that

475
00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:39,840
Speaker 1: consistent relationship with yourself as the things around you change

476
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:43,120
Speaker 1: and evolve, you'll always have that grounding and that center

477
00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:46,320
Speaker 1: and know who you are despite what's happening around So

478
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:50,920
Speaker 1: self reflection is super important. Journaling can help you understand

479
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:53,120
Speaker 1: you know who you are, where you are, how you feel,

480
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:57,520
Speaker 1: documenting behaviors and whatnot. Also mindfulness practices. I'm very big

481
00:28:57,560 --> 00:29:01,960
Speaker 1: into meditation. It's been a very great healing exercise for

482
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:04,400
Speaker 1: me and practice for me, so meditation could be great.

483
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:08,080
Speaker 1: We talked about personality assessments in our previous episodes, so

484
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:10,640
Speaker 1: that's something you want to leverage for self awareness.

485
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:11,560
Speaker 2: That's great as well.

486
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:15,200
Speaker 1: Something dominant in which I really love is feedback from

487
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:18,720
Speaker 1: trusted sources. Okay, we ain't get feedback from everybody, Okay,

488
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:23,440
Speaker 1: feedback from people exactly. Feedback from people who deserve to

489
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:26,280
Speaker 1: be giving you. Feedback, people who you trust, people who

490
00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:28,480
Speaker 1: have positive perspectives, right, people who are going to pour

491
00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:31,840
Speaker 1: into you and not be yes people, but be trusted advisors.

492
00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:32,240
Speaker 3: Right.

493
00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:36,120
Speaker 1: So whether it's a therapist, your best friend, just colleagues,

494
00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:38,400
Speaker 1: whatever it might be, but these people need to be vetted, right,

495
00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:42,080
Speaker 1: But feedback from them and then also just evaluating past

496
00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:45,280
Speaker 1: relationships and just getting in tune.

497
00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:45,560
Speaker 2: With who you are.

498
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:48,360
Speaker 1: I think that's really important when it comes to self awareness.

499
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:53,040
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, I agree, and so you know, I think

500
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:58,240
Speaker 3: when you know who you are. It makes it easier

501
00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:04,520
Speaker 3: for you to make healthy decisions. It makes it easier

502
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:11,280
Speaker 3: for you to understand why you might respond in a

503
00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:16,880
Speaker 3: certain way. Right So, if someone pushes the boundary and

504
00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:23,360
Speaker 3: you know that you are currently you have the awareness

505
00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:27,520
Speaker 3: that you are currently in a space of feeling pretty

506
00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:32,240
Speaker 3: emotionally vulnerable, then that means that's a sign. Okay, Well,

507
00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:36,800
Speaker 3: because I have this awareness, let me pause and reflect.

508
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:40,480
Speaker 3: Like you said, reflect on how do I need to

509
00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:43,400
Speaker 3: respond in this moment to this person who is pushing

510
00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:44,040
Speaker 3: my boundary.

511
00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:49,479
Speaker 1: And speaking of boundaries, number two lady is set and

512
00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:54,080
Speaker 1: maintain boundaries. Now this may not be applicable for everyone,

513
00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:55,680
Speaker 1: but I know for me in this phase of life

514
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:58,080
Speaker 1: right now, one of the things I'm going to be

515
00:30:58,120 --> 00:31:00,280
Speaker 1: working on when it comes to setting boundaries is not

516
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:04,360
Speaker 1: letting new people in super fast and getting too close,

517
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:07,640
Speaker 1: because I know that based on just how I function.

518
00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:11,400
Speaker 1: When I, you know, build someone and I like them,

519
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:12,920
Speaker 1: we spend a lot of time together and I begin

520
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:16,040
Speaker 1: to like them, I start to trust them, and they

521
00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:18,440
Speaker 1: get this trust that they have not earned. And so

522
00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:21,600
Speaker 1: I know with me, one of my protection mechanisms because

523
00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:24,160
Speaker 1: I know how I am as a very sensitive person

524
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:26,680
Speaker 1: and empathetic person. Is people are gonna have they're gonna

525
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:28,840
Speaker 1: have to work to get into the circle even more. Okay,

526
00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:31,240
Speaker 1: So setting up boundaries right, that could look like various

527
00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:33,920
Speaker 1: things for you, lady, So learning to say no when

528
00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:37,120
Speaker 1: something doesn't feel right, even if it's uncomfortable. And also, lady,

529
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:40,720
Speaker 1: you do not need to know why your intuition is

530
00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:45,480
Speaker 1: telling you something. If you feel it, go with it, right,

531
00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:49,160
Speaker 1: So if something's telling you don't do that, don't don't

532
00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:52,000
Speaker 1: go that way, don't do this thing. Just listen, listen

533
00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:54,080
Speaker 1: to your intuition and gut. And I think that over time,

534
00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:57,640
Speaker 1: as we spend more time with ourselves and we you know,

535
00:31:57,800 --> 00:32:01,240
Speaker 1: ask set the intention, ask spirit, ask God to send

536
00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:04,160
Speaker 1: you signs and be open to listening to them so

537
00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:06,280
Speaker 1: you can build that because it really is like a muscle, right,

538
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:08,480
Speaker 1: you have to show up and listen for you to

539
00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:13,080
Speaker 1: continuously get those messages. So setting clear boundaries around your time,

540
00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:17,960
Speaker 1: whether it's your sleep or something else, your emotions, your energy,

541
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:21,640
Speaker 1: and being prepared to enforce them it's super important.

542
00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:24,440
Speaker 3: And I think that's that piece right there that you

543
00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:29,000
Speaker 3: just said, is enforcing them is where people often get

544
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:33,400
Speaker 3: tripped up. Yeah, it's okay. I've created these boundaries. I've

545
00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:37,520
Speaker 3: communicated these boundaries. People are going to violate boundaries all

546
00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:42,440
Speaker 3: the time, but intentionally or not, it's up to you

547
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:48,400
Speaker 3: to enforce your boundary. And that's where the discernment comes in.

548
00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:53,960
Speaker 3: Is that that's how you're practicing your discernment. How by

549
00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:58,520
Speaker 3: looking at Okay, I've set these boundaries, how do the

550
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:01,960
Speaker 3: people in my life respond to them, these boundaries? And

551
00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:07,320
Speaker 3: what do they do when I enforce my boundary? Right?

552
00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:13,560
Speaker 3: That part is it that they keep pushing back because

553
00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:16,320
Speaker 3: if they keep pushing back, oh, this person needs to

554
00:33:16,320 --> 00:33:19,640
Speaker 3: go because this boundary, like this boundary is important to me,

555
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:25,840
Speaker 3: and they keep pushing back on it, Like I'm constantly

556
00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:31,600
Speaker 3: having to enforce this boundary. It's beyond the I've given

557
00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:35,360
Speaker 3: a few gentle reminders. That's how you know this person

558
00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:37,040
Speaker 3: might not be the person who needs to be in

559
00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:37,560
Speaker 3: your life.

560
00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:40,280
Speaker 1: And the one thing I do want to say is

561
00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:42,920
Speaker 1: sometimes when we are switching up, when you're adding new

562
00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:46,040
Speaker 1: boundaries into your life with people who have been in

563
00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:48,000
Speaker 1: your life, that can be challenging. And so a couple

564
00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:50,320
Speaker 1: of days that I've done around that, it's like if

565
00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:53,120
Speaker 1: I say something and someone's pushing, I'll just be like,

566
00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:55,760
Speaker 1: that was a that was a boundary that I was setting,

567
00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:59,360
Speaker 1: Like because using the word words are powerful, so using

568
00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:01,680
Speaker 1: the word kind of if someone's pushing back and you

569
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:03,959
Speaker 1: specifically said this is a boundary, it's kind of like, oh, Dan,

570
00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:05,920
Speaker 1: now I look like an asshole because she just said

571
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:06,800
Speaker 1: this is her boundary.

572
00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:08,200
Speaker 2: So sometimes that can work.

573
00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:11,480
Speaker 1: Or if someone's continuing to push, I might say like, oh,

574
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:13,000
Speaker 1: are you saying that you're not going to respect the

575
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:13,640
Speaker 1: boundary that I.

576
00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:14,239
Speaker 2: Just shared with you?

577
00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:17,000
Speaker 1: Or it's like is that what we're doing? And I

578
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:18,879
Speaker 1: think that when you when you say it in certain ways,

579
00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:20,520
Speaker 1: people kind of process it and it's like, oh shit,

580
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:22,759
Speaker 1: well I got to try another method, or they just

581
00:34:23,080 --> 00:34:28,759
Speaker 1: listen right, So it's something to consider. Number three, right,

582
00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:31,560
Speaker 1: Number three lady, is that people before letting them in,

583
00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:33,719
Speaker 1: which we kind of talked about before, and so just

584
00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:35,920
Speaker 1: taking your time to truly get to know someone fully

585
00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:39,600
Speaker 1: before trusting them. Observing how they treat people is so important,

586
00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:42,680
Speaker 1: especially people who they believe cannot do anything for them.

587
00:34:42,719 --> 00:34:45,120
Speaker 2: I love to see how people treat the weight staff.

588
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:47,560
Speaker 1: Or you know, the what are the people call when

589
00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:49,720
Speaker 1: you go to the hotel, I forgot the bell person

590
00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:51,520
Speaker 1: is all.

591
00:34:51,400 --> 00:34:54,160
Speaker 3: That you have the service any any how they treat

592
00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:56,240
Speaker 3: people in the service industry in general.

593
00:34:56,760 --> 00:35:00,160
Speaker 1: Yes, absolutely observe that right, ask questions and don't be

594
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:03,239
Speaker 1: afraid to test their responses or actions to see if

595
00:35:03,239 --> 00:35:05,239
Speaker 1: they align with their words. That's another important thing when

596
00:35:05,239 --> 00:35:07,440
Speaker 1: you're in that vetting process.

597
00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:10,359
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think what I would add to that is,

598
00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:18,760
Speaker 3: while you are vetting these people, it's keeping that log

599
00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:25,319
Speaker 3: right and are these people how again, how do I

600
00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:31,800
Speaker 3: feel when I'm around this person? Are they doing things

601
00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:37,120
Speaker 3: that I consider good or healthy behaviors? And how often

602
00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:40,520
Speaker 3: are they doing good and healthy behaviors versus behaviors that

603
00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:46,920
Speaker 3: I would deem negative or unhealthy or in some cases

604
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 3: maybe even considered toxic. But also, as you are vetting people,

605
00:35:54,920 --> 00:36:00,520
Speaker 3: to start letting them into your life, back into your

606
00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:05,680
Speaker 3: self awareness, where are you currently in this phase of life?

607
00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:11,960
Speaker 3: Because this person that you're vetting may not be a

608
00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:17,160
Speaker 3: good fit for where you are currently. So and I

609
00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:19,720
Speaker 3: want to be clear, as we're vetting people, we're not saying,

610
00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:24,400
Speaker 3: you know, statistically speaking, ten percent of the world, maybe

611
00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:30,040
Speaker 3: maybe ten percent of the world, psychopath, sociopath right. I'm

612
00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:32,120
Speaker 3: a firm believer that the majority of people in this

613
00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:36,160
Speaker 3: world truly are good people. They may engage in bad behavior,

614
00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:42,640
Speaker 3: and so as we are vetting people, we are not

615
00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:45,440
Speaker 3: because someone might not be a good fit for us.

616
00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:50,160
Speaker 3: That does not automatically mean that this person is a

617
00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:56,080
Speaker 3: psychopath or a sociopath, or that they are a bad person. Initially,

618
00:36:56,200 --> 00:36:58,960
Speaker 3: it simply means this person is not a good fit

619
00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:01,960
Speaker 3: for us in our life at this moment.

620
00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:05,600
Speaker 1: Yes, so good, Thank you for pointing out one that

621
00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:08,400
Speaker 1: is a fact. I love it all right, Livia. That

622
00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:11,160
Speaker 1: takes this number of four, which is educate yourself about

623
00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:14,520
Speaker 1: manipulative tactics, and we talked about some today, but also

624
00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:19,400
Speaker 1: read books, listen to trusted podcasts, attend workshops about narcissism,

625
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:25,320
Speaker 1: gaslighting and other manipulative behaviors. Recognize some common tactics like

626
00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:28,480
Speaker 1: love bombing, which we've talked about, guilt tripping and creating

627
00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:31,799
Speaker 1: dependency and how people can try to isolate, Like, learn

628
00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:34,560
Speaker 1: about all of that so that when you see that behavior,

629
00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:36,560
Speaker 1: like I had just listened to one of these episodes

630
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:38,840
Speaker 1: and then had that interaction with that guy, so my

631
00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:41,720
Speaker 1: mind was already primed to just pick up on certain

632
00:37:41,719 --> 00:37:43,640
Speaker 1: things in a new way, and I was like, oh shit,

633
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:45,680
Speaker 1: this is the stuff I was learning. So as you

634
00:37:45,719 --> 00:37:48,719
Speaker 1: continue to just surround yourself with the language, you'll be

635
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:51,560
Speaker 1: more privy to what to look out for.

636
00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:56,400
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think being very Yeah, keeping yourself aware of

637
00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:59,400
Speaker 3: what I think that adds to the self awareness, keeping

638
00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:05,640
Speaker 3: yourself informed of what does the manipulation look like? And

639
00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:12,360
Speaker 3: what's the difference between someone asserting their own boundary versus

640
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:16,680
Speaker 3: them trying to be controlling of me? Yes, that's that's

641
00:38:16,719 --> 00:38:19,880
Speaker 3: that discernment. That's that true discernment, right, like of like

642
00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:22,840
Speaker 3: what's really there versus what we want to be there?

643
00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:23,960
Speaker 2: Yes?

644
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:25,880
Speaker 3: Are we in a space? This is and this is

645
00:38:25,880 --> 00:38:27,799
Speaker 3: how you integrate all of it, right, Like, are we

646
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:32,319
Speaker 3: in a space where we are so sensitive based on

647
00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:38,920
Speaker 3: our most recent experiences that we assume that anything a

648
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:45,759
Speaker 3: person says that is a boundary feels controlling? Well, no,

649
00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:49,280
Speaker 3: that might not be the case. It may truly be

650
00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:54,560
Speaker 3: that they are setting a clear boundary about their own

651
00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:57,799
Speaker 3: to protect them on their own self, and they're not

652
00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:01,719
Speaker 3: trying to control us. They are communic their boundary. Yep,

653
00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:07,480
Speaker 3: And that's okay, And that is okay. Yes, but we

654
00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:10,319
Speaker 3: have to be able to step back and determine the.

655
00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:13,560
Speaker 1: Difference exactly that a spot when it goes back to

656
00:39:13,600 --> 00:39:15,719
Speaker 1: self awareness, Okay, we got to file. We have to

657
00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:19,240
Speaker 1: adhere to other people's boundaries as well. And so number five, Lady,

658
00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:22,239
Speaker 1: is strength and the emotional intelligence. So build your own

659
00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:26,279
Speaker 1: emotional intelligence by understanding how emotions work right, learning how

660
00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:29,399
Speaker 1: to manage them effectively, learning what your triggers are, and

661
00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:33,879
Speaker 1: having tools in place so that you can navigate those

662
00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:37,120
Speaker 1: situations right, because it's not always easy. So practicing mindfulness

663
00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:40,280
Speaker 1: and meditation those may be helpful tools to stay calm

664
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:44,240
Speaker 1: and grounded when dealing with emotionally charged situations. And also,

665
00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:46,319
Speaker 1: of course, engage in regular self care. You know we're

666
00:39:46,360 --> 00:39:49,040
Speaker 1: always promoting self care. Engage in regular self care that

667
00:39:49,080 --> 00:39:52,040
Speaker 1: prioritizes mental health and emotional well being.

668
00:39:53,239 --> 00:39:55,799
Speaker 3: And I can't strust the importance of that, because what

669
00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:59,600
Speaker 3: would I know to be true? What I have experienced myself,

670
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:03,760
Speaker 3: what I have seen in other people, is that when

671
00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:10,320
Speaker 3: we are taking care of ourselves, when we are prioritizing

672
00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:15,960
Speaker 3: our overall health and well being, our emotional intelligence, our

673
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:22,120
Speaker 3: emotional capacity is working at its optimal space right And

674
00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:26,799
Speaker 3: So what that looks like is I'm able to if

675
00:40:27,280 --> 00:40:32,000
Speaker 3: I've gotten enough sleep, if I'm eating well, if I'm

676
00:40:32,800 --> 00:40:36,279
Speaker 3: cultivating experiences of joy in my life. Then what that

677
00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:42,240
Speaker 3: looks like is if someone if I'm meeting someone new

678
00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:49,479
Speaker 3: and they say something that I don't agree with, if

679
00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:54,279
Speaker 3: I'm at my functioning at my highest self, then I'm

680
00:40:54,440 --> 00:41:00,160
Speaker 3: able to determine to discern was this a personal attack

681
00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:03,120
Speaker 3: on me? Was this a personal jazz to try and

682
00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:06,520
Speaker 3: manipulate me or try to draw me into a confrontation?

683
00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:08,320
Speaker 2: Yeah?

684
00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:12,960
Speaker 3: Or was this person stating their opinion on something and

685
00:41:13,080 --> 00:41:16,560
Speaker 3: I happen to not agree with it. Those are two

686
00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:21,200
Speaker 3: that could be the one scenario with two different responses. Yeah.

687
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:25,399
Speaker 3: And what I want to also point out is that, Lady,

688
00:41:25,440 --> 00:41:30,000
Speaker 3: when we are not functioning at our top highest self,

689
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:33,920
Speaker 3: what that also means while we're focusing on like spotting

690
00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:38,680
Speaker 3: manipulators and having discernment, what that also could mean is

691
00:41:38,680 --> 00:41:45,600
Speaker 3: that we are blocking our blessings. There may be healthy

692
00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:54,000
Speaker 3: people or great connections that we may be pushing away

693
00:41:54,080 --> 00:41:57,080
Speaker 3: because we are not operating at our highest self, and

694
00:41:57,120 --> 00:42:02,279
Speaker 3: we are then responding in ways that are alarming to

695
00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:04,440
Speaker 3: the people that we're trying to connect.

696
00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:07,960
Speaker 1: With that's a good one. And y'all, we do have

697
00:42:08,000 --> 00:42:10,000
Speaker 1: an episode that I can't remember the name, but I

698
00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:12,040
Speaker 1: think it's like, how do you know if you're the

699
00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:15,240
Speaker 1: toxic one in the relationship that the complimentard episode?

700
00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:15,800
Speaker 3: Tooto?

701
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:17,960
Speaker 1: Okay, that was really good. Thank you for that, Dom

702
00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:21,040
Speaker 1: And number six goes back to what we talked about earlier.

703
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:25,279
Speaker 1: Cultivate a support system, Okay, Surround yourself with people who love,

704
00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:30,080
Speaker 1: support and honor you like that's so important these days, right,

705
00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:32,400
Speaker 1: and people who will also be honest with you about

706
00:42:32,440 --> 00:42:35,960
Speaker 1: your relationships. Right, And lady, I don't I know that

707
00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:37,799
Speaker 1: I know that some of us may be in a

708
00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:39,560
Speaker 1: space where we don't have a lot of community.

709
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:39,799
Speaker 2: Right.

710
00:42:39,840 --> 00:42:42,640
Speaker 1: I'm navigating a space in life now where I'm building community.

711
00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:45,200
Speaker 1: But I do have some core relationships that are important

712
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:47,840
Speaker 1: to me. But just know that there is possible, like

713
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:50,319
Speaker 1: you can find people. You can find your people even

714
00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:53,920
Speaker 1: if it's online, right, or there are other spaces in

715
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:56,120
Speaker 1: your area. You may have to be very strategic about it,

716
00:42:56,400 --> 00:42:58,720
Speaker 1: but find your people, even if it's a small circle.

717
00:42:58,719 --> 00:43:01,040
Speaker 1: That is really important. And make sure you share your

718
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:04,520
Speaker 1: experiences and concerns with trusted friends or family to gain

719
00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:08,520
Speaker 1: an outside perspective when you're uncertain about someone. Therapy as well.

720
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:10,520
Speaker 1: Therapy has been very helpful for them when it comes

721
00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:14,480
Speaker 1: to navigating those relationships or even just running something by

722
00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:18,000
Speaker 1: someone and just saying like, Okay, this just happened. What

723
00:43:18,000 --> 00:43:20,040
Speaker 1: do you think about this? You know that it's also

724
00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:21,360
Speaker 1: something that might be helpful.

725
00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:25,719
Speaker 3: And I think the thing that also remember to when

726
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:32,640
Speaker 3: when you are reaching out to your support system, you

727
00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:38,640
Speaker 3: need discerning in that as well. Right, So, if I'm

728
00:43:38,680 --> 00:43:45,560
Speaker 3: in a space where I'm example, if I'm in a

729
00:43:45,640 --> 00:43:53,080
Speaker 3: space where I am starting to date and it's been

730
00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:57,719
Speaker 3: a while since I've been dating, and I have a

731
00:43:57,760 --> 00:44:01,920
Speaker 3: friend who has had a lot of negative recent negative

732
00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:07,400
Speaker 3: experiences with dating, that might not be the person, even

733
00:44:07,480 --> 00:44:16,600
Speaker 3: though generally that's the homegirl, Right, Yeah, in this particular moment,

734
00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:22,279
Speaker 3: I might not want to solely rely on her as

735
00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:26,000
Speaker 3: a support system because the space she may be in

736
00:44:27,400 --> 00:44:31,319
Speaker 3: is not one that's going to offer me the objective

737
00:44:31,400 --> 00:44:35,520
Speaker 3: support that I'm looking for. Yes, Right, but if I'm

738
00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:38,040
Speaker 3: having a moment where I need to vent about a

739
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:40,839
Speaker 3: negative experience, She's probably the first person I'm gonna call

740
00:44:41,239 --> 00:44:45,479
Speaker 3: because we can keep key about that and move forward right.

741
00:44:46,920 --> 00:44:55,400
Speaker 3: Knowing who to rely on and win is also part

742
00:44:55,480 --> 00:45:01,520
Speaker 3: of that, a key part of that discernment, and it

743
00:45:01,600 --> 00:45:05,200
Speaker 3: may mean it may also mean that it could be

744
00:45:06,600 --> 00:45:09,160
Speaker 3: I may reach out to that homegirl and say, hey,

745
00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:15,160
Speaker 3: I need some support around dating here, and here's what

746
00:45:15,200 --> 00:45:22,600
Speaker 3: that support looks like, and naming and identifying exactly what

747
00:45:22,600 --> 00:45:24,120
Speaker 3: that support is that you need.

748
00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:27,759
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love it. That was spout on. I love

749
00:45:27,840 --> 00:45:28,760
Speaker 2: that so much, Elida.

750
00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:32,080
Speaker 1: That's a great transition into number seven, which is practice

751
00:45:32,120 --> 00:45:35,160
Speaker 1: discernment daily. Again, this is a practice we are building.

752
00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:37,399
Speaker 1: It's a muscle that we're building, right, So regularly check

753
00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:40,600
Speaker 1: in on your gut feelings and intuition, especially when meeting

754
00:45:40,640 --> 00:45:45,040
Speaker 1: new people or facing important decisions. When something feels off,

755
00:45:45,480 --> 00:45:48,080
Speaker 1: take a step back and assess. It's so important to

756
00:45:48,200 --> 00:45:52,600
Speaker 1: pause right, assess the situation before reacting or making any commitments,

757
00:45:52,920 --> 00:45:56,240
Speaker 1: and then practice questioning your assumptions and evaluating people's actions

758
00:45:56,239 --> 00:45:59,000
Speaker 1: against their words to see if they mismatch right. And

759
00:45:59,040 --> 00:46:01,160
Speaker 1: the more we do this, the better we'll get and

760
00:46:01,160 --> 00:46:03,520
Speaker 1: we'll be able to better build that discernment and stop

761
00:46:03,600 --> 00:46:06,960
Speaker 1: letting manipulative people into our lives. If we can avoid it, right,

762
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:09,239
Speaker 1: Sometimes you'll have people at work and stuff like that,

763
00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:11,600
Speaker 1: But we're talking about people that were letting into our

764
00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:14,840
Speaker 1: inner circle where they can really impact our lives. Because

765
00:46:15,239 --> 00:46:16,840
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, who we decide to

766
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:18,640
Speaker 1: partner with and who we decide to be friends with,

767
00:46:19,160 --> 00:46:21,680
Speaker 1: these are all those are very two.

768
00:46:21,600 --> 00:46:22,680
Speaker 2: Important roles in your life.

769
00:46:22,760 --> 00:46:22,880
Speaker 3: Right.

770
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:26,719
Speaker 1: It can really impact your finances, your emotional wellbeing, how

771
00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:28,759
Speaker 1: far you go with your goals. Right. Imagine having a

772
00:46:28,840 --> 00:46:31,800
Speaker 1: partner who's jealous of you and they try to stop

773
00:46:31,840 --> 00:46:34,600
Speaker 1: you every time you move forward. Like all these relationships,

774
00:46:34,600 --> 00:46:37,160
Speaker 1: they are very important roles in our lives. And the

775
00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:39,600
Speaker 1: people that you let to come into your life, they

776
00:46:39,640 --> 00:46:41,600
Speaker 1: should be deserving of that, right. We shouldn't just be

777
00:46:41,680 --> 00:46:45,240
Speaker 1: letting anybody in all right, So anything else.

778
00:46:45,080 --> 00:46:49,160
Speaker 3: Don't, I would say, as we continue to practice discernment,

779
00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:53,520
Speaker 3: you know, again, I can't stress enough the importance of

780
00:46:53,640 --> 00:46:59,839
Speaker 3: what it truly means to know that things shift as

781
00:46:59,840 --> 00:47:05,800
Speaker 3: we that we are constantly evolving, right, and so as

782
00:47:05,880 --> 00:47:09,279
Speaker 3: you are discerning who the people are that you need

783
00:47:09,320 --> 00:47:14,040
Speaker 3: in your life, those people are constantly evolving as well,

784
00:47:14,080 --> 00:47:19,880
Speaker 3: hopefully right, And so then as they are evolving, you

785
00:47:20,080 --> 00:47:25,920
Speaker 3: may need to make adjustments. There may be people that

786
00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:31,040
Speaker 3: you don't you no longer need to have in your

787
00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:38,759
Speaker 3: life and it's okay to let them go. And we

788
00:47:38,840 --> 00:47:43,520
Speaker 3: have a whole other episode on that about friendships and

789
00:47:43,560 --> 00:47:48,280
Speaker 3: when to let friends go and the reason season lifetime

790
00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:51,759
Speaker 3: for people in our lives. But I do think that

791
00:47:52,400 --> 00:47:57,160
Speaker 3: we as we continue to practice this discernment. I also

792
00:47:57,200 --> 00:48:00,560
Speaker 3: want to stress one other thing is that there may

793
00:48:00,600 --> 00:48:05,880
Speaker 3: be some grieving involved in this discernment process, right Like,

794
00:48:05,960 --> 00:48:11,120
Speaker 3: there may be some recognition, particularly when you really pause

795
00:48:11,239 --> 00:48:14,759
Speaker 3: and look at a particular person or situation that you're

796
00:48:14,840 --> 00:48:20,440
Speaker 3: in and you look at it for the reality and

797
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:23,480
Speaker 3: not what you are hoping or wanting it to be.

798
00:48:24,760 --> 00:48:31,440
Speaker 3: There may be some grief around, Oh, this person, the

799
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:35,680
Speaker 3: reality of this person or the reality of this situation

800
00:48:37,960 --> 00:48:43,279
Speaker 3: is not what I need, And I am hurt, or

801
00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:48,759
Speaker 3: i am frustrated, or I'm disappointed, I'm saddened, whatever the

802
00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:51,359
Speaker 3: emotion is, and in some cases it may be I

803
00:48:51,400 --> 00:48:56,879
Speaker 3: am pissed the fuck off, okay that the reality is

804
00:48:57,120 --> 00:49:00,680
Speaker 3: not what I wanted it to be, what I hoped

805
00:49:00,680 --> 00:49:05,760
Speaker 3: it would be. Yes, And to give yourself that space

806
00:49:07,800 --> 00:49:12,560
Speaker 3: to grieve that ho are those feelings that come up

807
00:49:12,600 --> 00:49:19,240
Speaker 3: around that that like, oh, I thought this potential partner

808
00:49:21,320 --> 00:49:25,000
Speaker 3: was the one. And when I step back and take

809
00:49:25,040 --> 00:49:30,440
Speaker 3: off my rose colored glasses, I have seen that. No,

810
00:49:32,160 --> 00:49:37,960
Speaker 3: they are not anything like what I wanted. They are

811
00:49:38,040 --> 00:49:42,560
Speaker 3: really truly not checking off my important boxes. I think

812
00:49:42,600 --> 00:49:48,320
Speaker 3: back to your demon, Dick.

813
00:49:46,480 --> 00:49:46,880
Speaker 2: And so.

814
00:49:48,960 --> 00:49:54,200
Speaker 3: And so, giving yourself that space when the reality sets in,

815
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:57,839
Speaker 3: giving yourself that space to feel whatever the feelings are

816
00:49:58,840 --> 00:49:59,560
Speaker 3: that come up.

817
00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:02,799
Speaker 1: Yeah, and Dom, you made me think of another thing, Lady.

818
00:50:02,800 --> 00:50:04,759
Speaker 1: We're going to do a quick recap and close out.

819
00:50:04,840 --> 00:50:07,080
Speaker 1: But the other thing I want to share is that

820
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:10,960
Speaker 1: some people, especially people that fit into that ten percent

821
00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:15,600
Speaker 1: group of like psychopaths, sociopath narcissists, they don't deserve a

822
00:50:15,640 --> 00:50:19,880
Speaker 1: conversation or closure closure. No, I am also one of

823
00:50:19,920 --> 00:50:21,759
Speaker 1: those people. I'm a sucker for closure. I want to

824
00:50:21,760 --> 00:50:25,080
Speaker 1: have a conversation and I'm was like, close this out,

825
00:50:25,120 --> 00:50:29,200
Speaker 1: you know, seamlessly and amicablete Some people just don't deserve

826
00:50:29,239 --> 00:50:31,359
Speaker 1: it because as soon as you try to come in

827
00:50:31,400 --> 00:50:33,480
Speaker 1: for the closure and the conversation, they try to suck

828
00:50:33,520 --> 00:50:36,000
Speaker 1: you back in. And some people won't understand it. It's

829
00:50:36,040 --> 00:50:38,160
Speaker 1: just it's not in their makeup. It's not how they're

830
00:50:38,400 --> 00:50:40,799
Speaker 1: they're built for a very specific reason and they're trying

831
00:50:40,800 --> 00:50:43,240
Speaker 1: to go after that particular goal. And so some people

832
00:50:43,239 --> 00:50:45,839
Speaker 1: they just don't waste your time on that. Sometimes we

833
00:50:45,880 --> 00:50:48,600
Speaker 1: need to have the closure for ourselves. That means like

834
00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:51,919
Speaker 1: writing a letter, you know, processing it through a voice note,

835
00:50:52,000 --> 00:50:55,839
Speaker 1: using therapy to process it, forgiving but not necessarily you know,

836
00:50:55,920 --> 00:50:58,080
Speaker 1: allowing them to reconcile and like come back.

837
00:50:57,960 --> 00:51:01,160
Speaker 2: Into your life. So just keep.

838
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:03,399
Speaker 1: That in mind as you're navigating this, lady, and let's

839
00:51:03,400 --> 00:51:05,840
Speaker 1: do a quick recap on all that we covered, and

840
00:51:05,840 --> 00:51:06,839
Speaker 1: then Domini are going to hop.

841
00:51:06,760 --> 00:51:07,520
Speaker 2: Into the after show.

842
00:51:08,040 --> 00:51:11,960
Speaker 1: So the first tip for building lord, the first tip

843
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:15,840
Speaker 1: for building discernment and stop letting manipulators into our life

844
00:51:16,320 --> 00:51:21,040
Speaker 1: is develop self awareness. Number two is set and maintain boundaries.

845
00:51:21,400 --> 00:51:24,720
Speaker 1: Number three is vet people before letting them in. Number

846
00:51:24,719 --> 00:51:29,680
Speaker 1: four is educate yourself about manipulative tactics. Number five is

847
00:51:29,680 --> 00:51:34,200
Speaker 1: strengthen emotional resilience. Number six cultivate a support system, and

848
00:51:34,320 --> 00:51:38,440
Speaker 1: number seven practice discernment daily. Well, there's some tongue twisters

849
00:51:38,480 --> 00:51:39,200
Speaker 1: in there, lady.

850
00:51:39,200 --> 00:51:41,319
Speaker 2: We hope you enjoyed this episode. We'll catch you next week,

851
00:51:41,360 --> 00:51:42,320
Speaker 2: same time. Same place.

852
00:51:42,600 --> 00:51:45,239
Speaker 1: Be sure to visit our website, Herspace podcast dot com

853
00:51:45,239 --> 00:51:48,200
Speaker 1: and support us on Patreon Lady for exclusive content, and

854
00:51:48,239 --> 00:51:51,839
Speaker 1: follow us on Instagram at her Space Podcast.

855
00:51:51,920 --> 00:51:52,800
Speaker 2: See you next week.

856
00:51:54,239 --> 00:51:56,920
Speaker 4: Hey lady, this is doctor dom here from the Cultivating

857
00:51:56,960 --> 00:52:00,880
Speaker 4: her Space Podcast. Are you currently a resident of the

858
00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:06,080
Speaker 4: state of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well,

859
00:52:06,120 --> 00:52:10,320
Speaker 4: if so, please reach out to me at doctor Dominique

860
00:52:10,320 --> 00:52:15,040
Speaker 4: Brusard dot com. That's d R D O M I

861
00:52:15,920 --> 00:52:20,800
Speaker 4: N I q U E b r O U ss

862
00:52:21,360 --> 00:52:26,680
Speaker 4: ar D dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation.

863
00:52:27,239 --> 00:52:31,760
Speaker 3: I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for tuning

864
00:52:31,800 --> 00:52:36,120
Speaker 3: into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while this podcast is

865
00:52:36,160 --> 00:52:41,000
Speaker 3: all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's not a substitute

866
00:52:41,000 --> 00:52:45,160
Speaker 3: for therapy. If you are someone you know need support,

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Speaker 3: check out resources like Therapy for Black Girls or Psychology Today.

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Speaker 3: If you love today's episode, do us a favor and

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Speaker 3: share it with a friend who needs some inspiration or

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Speaker 3: leave us a quick five star review. Your support needs

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Speaker 3: the world to us and helps keep this space thriving.

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Speaker 2: And before we.

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Speaker 1: Meet again, repeat after me, I am the architect of

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Speaker 1: my destiny, shaping every moment with purpose and passion. Keep thriving, Lady,

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Speaker 1: and tune in next Friday for more inspiration from cultivating

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Speaker 1: her space. In the meantime, be sure to connect with

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Speaker 1: us on Instagram at her Space Podcast