Speaker 1: Hey, it's Chris Fairbanks, host of the podcast you're currently
Speaker 1: listening to. I have just a weekend of shows I'd
Speaker 1: like to announce at the end of the month here
Speaker 1: in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, January twenty fourth and twenty fifth, I'll
Speaker 1: be at the Laughing Tap Comedy specific comedy Club. Get
Speaker 1: tickets at Chris Fairbanks dot com. Thank you and you're welcome.
Speaker 2: Are you leaving?
Speaker 1: I you wanna way back home?
Speaker 3: Either way, we want to be there.
Speaker 2: Doesn't matter how much baggage you clean.
Speaker 4: Give us time and they turning on engage.
Speaker 1: We want to send you uf instil.
Speaker 2: We want to welcome you back home.
Speaker 4: Tell us all about ity scared or was it fine? Melbourne?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 2: Do you need to ride? Do you need.
Speaker 1: With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride?
Speaker 1: This is Chrisphairbanks and this is Karen Kilgarriff. We're doing
Speaker 1: our first musical epison.
Speaker 2: Do you feel about it?
Speaker 1: It's so far so it was a minor over sight
Speaker 1: adding this choreography. Why are we dancing? To an audio show.
Speaker 4: It doesn't really make sense that we're singing either, because
Speaker 4: we're not that good at it, and this isn't that entertaining.
Speaker 1: I hope a lot of people didn't just log off.
Speaker 1: Am I using that is it? Would it be a
Speaker 1: log off, It would be a full log off. Thanks
Speaker 1: for coming to Do You Need a Ride? Dot com
Speaker 1: slash http and logging on to our live net broadcast.
Speaker 2: It's really more of a free form art vibe.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this episode. I always say I'm good at improv,
Speaker 1: but that was before you know, people were asking me
Speaker 1: to do it. Now, when I get asked to do
Speaker 1: it or I'm suddenly doing it now, I'm just bad
Speaker 1: at it. Yeah, I feel like it's.
Speaker 2: Like me and the Witch Jokes just cannot perform.
Speaker 1: On the Today in a folder that is part of
Speaker 1: Instagram that I always ignore because it's like requests. I
Speaker 1: just noticed there's years of people saying, like the nicest
Speaker 1: people that for whatever reason, I think they have a
Speaker 1: private account. But I got a pitch for the end
Speaker 1: of the witch Joke from Just Today.
Speaker 2: Robert Booth give Robert credit.
Speaker 1: Yes, Robert Boose said, I was listening to Do You
Speaker 1: Need a Ride? With the witch moon joke. Can I
Speaker 1: propose a closer What if the witch says pumpkin rata
Speaker 1: toui and then cackles. But you still might need some
Speaker 1: sort of reflection statement, like I guess the universe is
Speaker 1: telling me to try new foods. He said pumpkin rata tooy,
Speaker 1: because again it was a there was a rat right
Speaker 1: in the.
Speaker 2: Pumpkin, referencing what's already been described.
Speaker 1: And I didn't I like that he was thinking, well,
Speaker 1: there's a rat in there.
Speaker 4: Yeah, he's trying to make the joke work, Yes, as
Speaker 4: an actual joke.
Speaker 1: And I really appreciate because you and I. The only
Speaker 1: reason I brought it up is I knew it was
Speaker 1: a mute premise.
Speaker 2: Mute is that a new.
Speaker 1: I think it is a null avoid present, A bad
Speaker 1: prem a bad premise. There we go, got you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: humpkin ratachuey, pumpkin rata chuy.
Speaker 2: But then the in the witch voice.
Speaker 1: Pumpkin rata chwey.
Speaker 2: Again.
Speaker 1: I don't know why I can't do a witch voice.
Speaker 1: I always turn into a cartoon villain.
Speaker 4: How about well, because their witches culturally totally oppressed, completely
Speaker 4: bias opinion about who they are as people. Second, you
Speaker 4: see that hat, you're supposed to believe she's of the devil.
Speaker 4: It's munch bullshit. It's been go on for a long time.
Speaker 4: Let's not get into it.
Speaker 2: Here's my pitch. Robert has inspired me. I think I've
Speaker 2: done it.
Speaker 4: The Witch pulls up and goes, is it this season
Speaker 4: for pumpkin spice locked? As?
Speaker 1: Oh, like, that's why the Witch stopped in front of
Speaker 1: the moon. She thought it was the beginning of a
Speaker 1: line to a drive through.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it are you guys making pumpkins spice locked? Here's
Speaker 4: what I did. And this happens a lot in comedy writing,
Speaker 4: especially we're in a room together, only usually the genders
Speaker 4: are reversed. Robert pitch is a perfectly great solution to
Speaker 4: that joke problem. And I come in with a parallel pitch.
Speaker 2: That's bad.
Speaker 4: And then I'm just like, as if I'm somehow forwarding
Speaker 4: this conversation instead of sending it to.
Speaker 1: The And then yeah, you get all the credit, yes,
Speaker 1: because I.
Speaker 4: Just pitched a new different food basically of like, oh,
Speaker 4: what if it's a hackier food?
Speaker 1: Well let me be Robert. Now, okay, well we could
Speaker 1: combine them both and say, is this the line for
Speaker 1: pumpkin spice rata touey lattes. I throw the ratituey back
Speaker 1: in just.
Speaker 2: For Robert's sake. Yes, now he is a professional.
Speaker 1: Writer, right, I don't know. I don't know Rob Titanic.
Speaker 1: Really no, the fans of this podcast.
Speaker 4: Oh, far and wide, all kinds of people doing all
Speaker 4: kinds of things in the world.
Speaker 1: I at the beginning of Bowling League the other night
Speaker 1: where I'm just an alternate.
Speaker 4: Okay, so that means you're hanging out at the bowling
Speaker 4: alley hoping.
Speaker 1: I yeh, I just it's weird. I just hitch. I
Speaker 1: hold my thumb out because I want which in the
Speaker 1: bowling world, lets people know I don't bowl with my
Speaker 1: thumb and the ball.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I thought you. And you're like hitch trying
Speaker 2: to hitch onto a bowling team.
Speaker 1: Well, then I'm worried that I'll just end up in
Speaker 1: a car and get abducted. I think in the bowling
Speaker 1: world they know what a thumbs up means. It means
Speaker 1: I just bowl with my fingers two fingers in thumb
Speaker 1: cradling the ball. Anyway, we were about to bowl and
Speaker 1: this guy was at the Roosevelt being basically choked out,
Speaker 1: trying to fight everyone, losing his mind why and I
Speaker 1: missed the part. I later found out he was just
Speaker 1: being a lunatic and having some sort of psychotic break.
Speaker 1: But he kept saying I wrote like, I don't want
Speaker 1: to say what movies. He kept saying, I wrote this
Speaker 1: movie and this movie. And I looked him up and
Speaker 1: he indeed was the writer of these blockbuster movies. But
Speaker 1: he was like a young angry looked like he had
Speaker 1: no business being in the Roosevelt because he's disheveled and
Speaker 1: obviously hasn't been doing well since these two thousand and
Speaker 1: five hits.
Speaker 2: That's horrible.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it kind of takes the scheme out of
Speaker 1: my story because I'm I'm not saying the movies because
Speaker 1: I don't want I don't know why I want to.
Speaker 1: This guy was a dick, He has been a dick.
Speaker 4: But he also that wasn't his choice. He was mentally unstable, right.
Speaker 1: Right, And but everything I've read was like there was
Speaker 1: a time where he wasn't and he was talking about
Speaker 1: sobriety and buying the house and taking care of some
Speaker 1: kid that he had out of wedlock, and became the
Speaker 1: father like basically adopted this and cut to living in
Speaker 1: a hotel getting in fights because there's been no part
Speaker 1: two of Beep.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the movie Beep, the movie Beep.
Speaker 1: I don't know why I did that.
Speaker 4: It's so dark because this town, truly you can have
Speaker 4: that life where you're like, I have it all, I
Speaker 4: lost it all, I got it all back. Wait, now
Speaker 4: I suddenly am addicted to fentanyl for some reason. Wait,
Speaker 4: everything is possible. And also it's kind of boring. It's
Speaker 4: the most confusing town to live in.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, AD do it that. It's kind of boring.
Speaker 2: It's kind of boring.
Speaker 1: I think that it's an exciting place to live. But
Speaker 1: no matter what you think of that sounds exciting, there
Speaker 1: will be no parking.
Speaker 2: There will be no parking.
Speaker 4: And if you are, if you're working on the exciting thing,
Speaker 4: you're working your ass off to a degree that's insane. Right.
Speaker 4: So this guy that was upset was basically probably like
Speaker 4: I poured my heart and soul into this. I started
Speaker 4: this career and you're telling me it doesn't go forever.
Speaker 2: Yes, fuck you, guys.
Speaker 1: But was the most hateable person when I came into
Speaker 1: his life, sure, because he was like trying to fight people.
Speaker 1: And the guy was like, please get to stop, because
Speaker 1: for some reason the security wasn't immediately taking care of it.
Speaker 1: I just I witnessed all this happened, and he was
Speaker 1: just throwing punches.
Speaker 4: And you weren't right in there trying to throw punches
Speaker 4: like you love to do.
Speaker 1: No, I was actually scared. Oh yeah, I don't know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I And it was right after I hit my boxing
Speaker 1: boxing coach my box. Okay, I've been playing bochi ball.
Speaker 2: Yeah, admitted the story about.
Speaker 1: Boxing was all fabricated. I threw a botchy ball at
Speaker 1: the coach's face.
Speaker 2: And when you're talking about boxing, do you mean bowling?
Speaker 1: I every story. I've never even stood on a skateboard.
Speaker 1: I've been talking about bowling this whole time.
Speaker 4: Lives Lives, Lives, otho, the old story of boxing. When
Speaker 4: you punched your boxing Yes.
Speaker 1: I pretend that, Uh, episodes we recorded months ago just happened.
Speaker 2: Okay, No, it's all fresh for you.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, it's all fresh trauma. But I know I
Speaker 1: when someone is being uh you know, held down because
Speaker 1: they're losing their mind and they're big and they have
Speaker 1: nothing to lose and they have a wild look in
Speaker 1: their eye and they're drunk, all those things, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: calm walking into ball. Yeah, I do not. Yeah, even
Speaker 1: if I'm even I'm wild eyed, I don't want anything
Speaker 1: to do with it. I just talked tough. Well.
Speaker 4: You also, it's like it's much easier to get into
Speaker 4: a fistfight with like a drunk stand up comic than
Speaker 4: this kind of uh you know, X factor.
Speaker 2: You have no idea what that could bring in your door.
Speaker 1: And I've never I've never gotten that fight with a
Speaker 1: drunk stand up comic. There's been, you know.
Speaker 2: Just that lady security guard.
Speaker 1: Well, let me remind you. She was antagonizing me while
Speaker 1: vaping and I called her vape cop. Okay, that's not that, okay,
Speaker 1: all right, vape cop okay. But that was in Portland
Speaker 1: and the security at a party who was bothering me
Speaker 1: because there was the bathroom. There's a huge line. I
Speaker 1: went by a dumpster. We were in an industrial area,
Speaker 1: no one was around. She hunted me down people around,
Speaker 1: not by the dumpster. I was going to the bathroom
Speaker 1: by the dumpster. It's like she came to just validate
Speaker 1: her being hired that night.
Speaker 4: You're not allowed to do that in public though, No,
Speaker 4: you're right, So I should have just said you're right.
Speaker 2: Said said, thank you, vape cup.
Speaker 4: You've taught me a valuable lesson about peeing.
Speaker 1: Yes, because I understand. Yes, it's a serious law. What
Speaker 1: if a child was out at two am in the
Speaker 1: industrial part of Portland behind am and saw my mutilated genitals,
Speaker 1: was traumatized. I don't want to get into it. It
Speaker 1: was a bully accident.
Speaker 4: Please don't do not. We have to circle back around.
Speaker 4: So I'm sorry. When you were thumb out bowling, that
Speaker 4: was and the and the man wanted to fight everybody
Speaker 4: because he used to be famous. Yes, that was at
Speaker 4: Oh that's a new place that they're putting there.
Speaker 1: That's good. I like that. I like how they're trying
Speaker 1: to mimic the architecture of the nearby whatever restaurant. That's
Speaker 1: fancy smokehouse. Smokehouse, doesn't it have has gables and looks
Speaker 1: like and whatnot? And and eves and me if you will,
Speaker 1: uh sorry again the bull so thumb.
Speaker 2: Out come out.
Speaker 4: Well, but Roosevelt, if you've never been listening to the
Speaker 4: Roosevelt Bar, it's in the Roosevelt Hotel, which is a
Speaker 4: historic gorgeous hotel on Hollywood Boulevard.
Speaker 2: Lots of famous people have been there, and there is a.
Speaker 4: Bar on the second floor stairs up, and it is
Speaker 4: so beautiful.
Speaker 2: We had our Christmas exactly right Christmas party there last year.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah.
Speaker 4: And they have two lanes of bowling kind of in
Speaker 4: the middle of this fancy, old dark wood bar.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And and the shoes are cobbled by a designer.
Speaker 1: They're like three hundred dollars shoes that you get to wear.
Speaker 2: Yes, is that true?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 1: Yes, I'd remember I got to wear Kelly Green shoes
Speaker 1: and I wanted them. And there's like a bowling caddy
Speaker 1: guy that keeps the score and he has suspenders and
Speaker 1: gives me a lot of tips. He's like, last time,
Speaker 1: you release the ball right at the line. This time,
Speaker 1: I want you to like unsolicited but correct advice. Yea,
Speaker 1: the only kind of unsolicited advice I'd like to receive. Yes,
Speaker 1: And he's helped me be a better bowler and a
Speaker 1: better person.
Speaker 2: Nice. I love that.
Speaker 1: But yeah, that it was that that place.
Speaker 2: Is because you weren't just getting bowling tips. You were being.
Speaker 4: Taught how to take notes, how to take constructive criticism
Speaker 4: right hard.
Speaker 2: To do. The vape crop didn't do it right.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, right exactly, giving any helpful options, no,
Speaker 1: like why don't you pee yourself while waiting in line?
Speaker 1: That was the only option I knew of.
Speaker 4: She didn't understand you're the weird situation with your bladder.
Speaker 1: Yeah exactly, ma'am. I know that vaping is just fun
Speaker 1: for you. For me, it's a way to shrink my prostate.
Speaker 1: Please leave me alone. And then I took a tug
Speaker 1: off her vape. You're a vape cop. I'm a vape purp.
Speaker 2: I'm get ready for some vape justice.
Speaker 1: What's my crime? Showing myself to the Department of Sanitations
Speaker 1: object without any eyes? I meant to say in an
Speaker 1: it you know it's fine.
Speaker 4: Everyone understands you, except the vape cop. She doesn't know
Speaker 4: what the fuck you're doing.
Speaker 1: Again, the next day riddled with regret, as I always
Speaker 1: felt the day after drinking. Sure I have not had
Speaker 1: I've not woken up with regret for two years now.
Speaker 2: How does it feel?
Speaker 1: It feels great? But so boring?
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's pretty boring.
Speaker 1: I found the police lady's number and I sent a
Speaker 1: text and said I'm sorry about last night. I'm the
Speaker 1: guy that was saying vape Cop being an idiot at
Speaker 1: the party. Please accept my apology, which I thought was
Speaker 1: it was a long, well worded better better wording than
Speaker 1: some than some things I've said currently tonight today I'm nervous. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm on call.
Speaker 2: Oh that's right.
Speaker 4: You want to tell the people, we can, but really quick,
Speaker 4: vave Cop. I think you've told this, but I can't remember.
Speaker 4: Probably vape Cop. It's fresh to me. Vape Cop forgave you?
Speaker 4: Or was she like I said, okay, fuck her?
Speaker 1: Then? Yeah? Right ya bake you caro. Sometimes it's a journey. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but you always meet me.
Speaker 2: I have I know I have to, but you have
Speaker 2: to make me right. Is how we do.
Speaker 1: Yeah, for you, the journey. There's a crosswalk and the
Speaker 1: don't walk is blanking, and I'm driving all around town,
Speaker 1: but inevitably we both meet.
Speaker 2: You're driving all around town.
Speaker 1: To meet you at the corner.
Speaker 4: You're on foot with a tortured pet or something like that.
Speaker 4: So I'm always like, I don't want.
Speaker 2: To get in this car.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let's add to this analogy. Okay, I'm driving around town,
Speaker 1: trying late at night, trying to find a vet, a
Speaker 1: vet for my pet vet pet, Yeah, vet, pet, thank you.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry. It would be a pet vet.
Speaker 4: A vape vet, a vape vet, very dangerous for those.
Speaker 1: Pets and for those vets. You know, weret talk about
Speaker 1: those that have served and the Chevrolet Corvette.
Speaker 2: Why aren't we talking about it?
Speaker 1: Why aren't we let's talk about.
Speaker 2: Why can't we right now?
Speaker 1: Let's do it?
Speaker 4: But you know why because we have exciting news and
Speaker 4: you were about to say you're nervous right now?
Speaker 1: Becalled, oh, thank you. See it's so not in the ordinary,
Speaker 1: not in the ordinary. Maybe I shouldn't get this call
Speaker 1: to night. The director Kimmel said, hey, are you? Is
Speaker 1: this your number? Chris? Is this Chris's number still? And
Speaker 1: I said, yes? Is is something happening tonight? Is? Actually?
Speaker 1: I said, is this a wedding invite? Because he had
Speaker 1: a crush on the singer of the band that opened
Speaker 1: for LCD sound System, I ran into him at LCD
Speaker 1: Sounds is.
Speaker 2: Oh right, okay?
Speaker 1: So as a joke he said, sadly, no, uh hang
Speaker 1: tight though, so hang tight means I will I will
Speaker 1: hang but I will be tight as a drum because
Speaker 1: I don't know if we have to drop me off
Speaker 1: at the El Capitan to do what. Who knows a character.
Speaker 2: Could be A character could be a stand up comedy.
Speaker 1: Do they do stand up anymore?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, do they?
Speaker 2: I don't think so.
Speaker 1: No, I'd probably be Yeah, we want you to be
Speaker 1: Matt Getz falling down the stairs or something great. I
Speaker 1: can do that.
Speaker 2: You can do that.
Speaker 1: Also, I'll come with my eyebrows done. Well he is
Speaker 1: I'm saying gry eyebrows.
Speaker 2: That's true. Yeah, you go get botox. Yes, at some point.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think are you good at memorizing lines?
Speaker 2: Or do you? When you do stuff there? Do you
Speaker 2: get to read off a teleprompter?
Speaker 1: I don't think I am good at memorizing lines, but
Speaker 1: I do have more faith in my ability to memorize
Speaker 1: than to read a teleproctor. Yeah, so uh it, yeah,
Speaker 1: I I uh let's check. Let's check to see if
Speaker 1: I'm going to be on Kimmel doing god knows what.
Speaker 1: Nothing yet? Okay, nothing yet.
Speaker 4: That's a pretty selfish, or at least maybe not super
Speaker 4: self aware thing for that director to write, because what
Speaker 4: if he's like hang tight because he was like eating
Speaker 4: a sandwich, and then when he's done. He's like, anyway,
Speaker 4: I'm probably gonna ask that girl up. No, it's like
Speaker 4: there's nothing to do with anything at all.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: No, he did say I wrote a sketch that oh yeah,
Speaker 1: oh nic, And I'm like, wait, does that shoot tonight?
Speaker 2: That's what I'm waiting tight. So I'm not telling you anything.
Speaker 1: It might be it's good for the future. And this
Speaker 1: is a friend of mine. Andy Fisher was a comic.
Speaker 1: When I was in Austin. He was in a duo
Speaker 1: with our friend Leon Mandel, who I don't know if
Speaker 1: I do not, they're the best and they were duo
Speaker 1: and Bob Odenkirk saw them once and produced a little
Speaker 1: pilot episode and it was so weird and funny. They
Speaker 1: were a duo that while they were on stage I
Speaker 1: would be nervous because they made the craziest decisions, Like
Speaker 1: Andy used to sing Fastcar by Tracy Chapman, perfectly mimicking
Speaker 1: her voice, while Leon was John Belushi overdosing, and so
Speaker 1: he would just go into the audience violently vomiting and
Speaker 1: fake Vomit was getting on people, and then he'd drank
Speaker 1: kiss people. And meanwhile, Andy, it's just two things happening
Speaker 1: at once, they're like, well you do this and just
Speaker 1: random theater please. Early two thousand's the most alternative comedy
Speaker 1: you've ever seen. Hell yeah, And they were geniuses in
Speaker 1: my mind. Then we moved here and he needed a job,
Speaker 1: so to get hired as an editor at Jimmy Kimmel Live.
Speaker 1: And now he's for ten years now been the director
Speaker 1: in that big room camera Ford.
Speaker 2: Like, I went in there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, roll it, go to tape. He yells at people,
Speaker 1: you're fired. Now. It's very nice, but he's in that
Speaker 1: job where he probably intimidates you know, he runs that show. Yes,
Speaker 1: But to me, he's the same Andy that I don't
Speaker 1: think anyone there knows how funny he is as a
Speaker 1: performer because he's been a director for years.
Speaker 2: That's his little secret. He gets to have that secret.
Speaker 1: And I ran into it Andy and Leone LCD sound System,
Speaker 1: and it's so fun to hang out with them again
Speaker 1: just because Yeah.
Speaker 4: It's also because usually a lot of the super brilliant
Speaker 4: comedians that I knew from early two thousands that were
Speaker 4: like really thinking of cool shit like that and funny
Speaker 4: and definitely individual. Like it's always a sad story, right,
Speaker 4: It's like no one goes and now I'm the director
Speaker 4: at Kimmel.
Speaker 2: That almost never fucking happened.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and Andy, uh ear Leon, his partner in the comedy,
Speaker 1: is in many things as a character. Actory. They're both
Speaker 1: doing great.
Speaker 2: Will you show me a picture of Leon?
Speaker 1: I will right now. I think you might recognize you
Speaker 1: better recognize. Let's see Leon Mandel seventy three, former publisher
Speaker 1: of Autoweek, dies, Oh, don't worry, it's a different Leon.
Speaker 2: Thank god.
Speaker 4: That's how you find out he's seventy three.
Speaker 1: He looks great.
Speaker 2: It's Nutso.
Speaker 1: Here you go. Here's his ion b. This is I mean,
Speaker 1: thank you for sticking with us, and I'm sorry we
Speaker 1: bailed on our first ever musical episode.
Speaker 2: Hey listener, you're welcome, You're welcome.
Speaker 1: That's that's Leon. Okay, look at those two pictures. How
Speaker 1: did you He's wearing the same.
Speaker 4: He faced Fucky photoshopped a different shirt onto two different Well.
Speaker 1: The one eye is like, ooh, I'm kind of frisky.
Speaker 1: And then it's like that I became business.
Speaker 2: That I'm breaking into your car as you stare at me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like one's wink about to wink.
Speaker 2: That was director.
Speaker 1: That's so funny.
Speaker 2: I'm going to kill you.
Speaker 1: Oh, welcome to the episode where we roast my friend's headshots.
Speaker 2: Leon, you've been roasted?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just watched. Sometimes I forget that Andy Samberg
Speaker 1: has made me laugh.
Speaker 2: He did, Oh my god, he did really funny.
Speaker 1: He's so funny. And he did some roast where he's
Speaker 1: just complimenting everyone where he's like sez An Sari's here.
Speaker 1: His parents are from India and he grew up in
Speaker 1: North Carolina. How's it feel that have an interesting perspective
Speaker 1: on what it is to be American? Shit, Like he
Speaker 1: just said, I don't know, but I never butchered a
Speaker 1: thing more. I start to panic just now. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: any time you're doing someone else's.
Speaker 4: Joke, okay, but here's the thing, you better get over
Speaker 4: that because you have to go to Kimmel tonight and nail.
Speaker 1: It and do someone else's joke.
Speaker 2: So do someone else's joke right now.
Speaker 1: I'm getting it out of my system.
Speaker 2: Okay, Yeah, fucking it up?
Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, good god, this podcast. I make a living
Speaker 1: off fuck them ups. No one knows. The minute we're
Speaker 1: done recording, I become the most confident, buy the book
Speaker 1: trained actor.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Uh and no one's ever seen it. No, because I
Speaker 1: save it. You save it for the big one. Yeah
Speaker 1: that's upcoming, right, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I spend all the
Speaker 1: stupid on this podcast, so I save up all the
Speaker 1: smarts for later.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: You have to kind of clear it out, like a
Speaker 4: gasket or something in a car.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Or's hair, he's Elvia's hair.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's perfect hair. And he knows it.
Speaker 2: He's so stuck up.
Speaker 1: I saw my unreasonably handsome garbage man. You kind of
Speaker 1: don't like it when I bring this guy up.
Speaker 4: No, no, no, that was a kind of like wistful.
Speaker 4: I love a attractive garbage man.
Speaker 1: It is. Well, now he's taken to I don't steroids.
Speaker 1: He's bulked up, he's ripped good. He looks like Gosling.
Speaker 1: But he's got some you know, Dahmer eyeglasses. So you
Speaker 1: know he's like either a killer or he's like a
Speaker 1: hipster guy. Yeah, but he's bulked up, about thirty pounds
Speaker 1: of solid muscle.
Speaker 2: Nice.
Speaker 1: And if this story's turning you on, I can tell
Speaker 1: its slower if you go to my only fans. I recite.
Speaker 2: About other people who are a dragon.
Speaker 1: Mostly laborers. In my neighborhood. Some are in a union.
Speaker 1: It's all hot, hot, hot, hot, hot hot union description porn.
Speaker 2: Everybody. Everybody likes a pension plan.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's whatever. Yeah, yeah, I go for the deep
Speaker 1: dark web and describe. Then just find me on there.
Speaker 4: I feel like that person. I'm just going to do
Speaker 4: a quick guess of that person. I think I'm right.
Speaker 2: Is if he's a Gosling looker in the first place,
Speaker 2: and you first swim skinny and he was being a
Speaker 2: garbage man.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he just wasn't mute. He was ripped, but like,
Speaker 1: oh that guy runs marathons. Now it's like, oh he.
Speaker 4: Squats, yeah, sinewy to beefy beefcake. And so I think
Speaker 4: he was an actor. That's like, I need a good job,
Speaker 4: good paying job. I got this in and it will
Speaker 4: be interesting for me. And then he starts doing it
Speaker 4: and realizes this is the look, this is the life.
Speaker 4: Like I am flourishing and thriving. Yeah, I'm now playing
Speaker 4: the part of the beefy garbage man.
Speaker 5: Right.
Speaker 2: No one wants a sinewy garbage man.
Speaker 1: And from a distance, it's like, oh, look at that
Speaker 1: guy in Carharts that's ripped with a tight white T
Speaker 1: shirt that has some smudges on it. Then you get
Speaker 1: closer and you realize those smudges are any number of
Speaker 1: unspeakable things that I could now say.
Speaker 2: Yeah, same sam boo boop.
Speaker 1: I mean the garbage is the the dumpster, specifically where
Speaker 1: I see him often as a Petra's patras Burgers. It
Speaker 1: is the smelliest because they throw away I don't know,
Speaker 1: retired food, sour beef.
Speaker 2: Fifty five year old food.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it is the smelliest, and it's just all
Speaker 1: over his shirt like that is a job. I maybe
Speaker 1: he has no sense of smell. Could be because that's
Speaker 1: what has kept me away from that business, is my
Speaker 1: gag reflet.
Speaker 2: That's not what's kept you away.
Speaker 1: I can't even stand having anything on my hands. I'm
Speaker 1: afraid to get my hands dirty literally, which yeah, with
Speaker 1: a lot of careers that you get a bad rap?
Speaker 1: Or is it rap? I'm seriously asking.
Speaker 2: Oh, I don't know what you're what do you say
Speaker 2: the sentence again?
Speaker 1: I if you are afraid to get your hands dirty,
Speaker 1: you get a bad rap in my business.
Speaker 2: Yeah, rap is the saying.
Speaker 1: But isn't rap accurate? Also accurate?
Speaker 4: It's accurate, But I think getting a bad rap is
Speaker 4: like a rap sheet. I think it's from the fifties
Speaker 4: or earlier, so a rep is more current of like
Speaker 4: a thing you'd have and get what era?
Speaker 1: And I've been waiting to roast you on this, but
Speaker 1: you know I'm a slow burner. What era is the
Speaker 1: pronunciation of Roosevelt Roosevelt? Gotcha? Gotcha? It took like ten minutes.
Speaker 2: Roosevelt the Roosevelt. That's how I say.
Speaker 1: We were born in the same area of California. Yeah,
Speaker 1: how is do you say President Roosevelt?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Oh wow?
Speaker 2: Can you say Roosevelt Roosevelt?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Sorry, Now I'm having like a Mandela effect thing where
Speaker 4: I'm like, I don't know which one is right at all.
Speaker 1: Tell me you don't smell toast, I mean goodbye, and
Speaker 1: I'm being I'm being a dick.
Speaker 2: Sorry, No, you can't.
Speaker 1: A lot of people say Roosevelt.
Speaker 4: We have to pull on a lise into this one,
Speaker 4: because what the fuck is going on?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: Like Franklin Delano, Deleanor Roosevelt. Yes, it's how I say.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's correct. Do you answer I pronounced it Roosevelt.
Speaker 2: But that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm that's two against
Speaker 2: one though. The thing I hate the most.
Speaker 1: This school yard rules. If two against one.
Speaker 4: I've lived my whole life to not be the one,
Speaker 4: and now I am.
Speaker 2: Damn it.
Speaker 4: The Roosevelt what what is that?
Speaker 1: Well? That robot?
Speaker 2: He doesn't know there.
Speaker 1: Are there are certain areas I my friend's mom used
Speaker 1: to say, Hey, I washed your cloth. I used to
Speaker 1: find it charming.
Speaker 4: Yes, that's a in California. That's a kind of central
Speaker 4: Valley thing. My friend Dave said worst and he also
Speaker 4: said a pin? Can you hand me that pin? Instead
Speaker 4: of wow? And also Bay Area my cousin's South Bay
Speaker 4: how an ax up like they.
Speaker 2: You know, it was the eighties, but yeah there act.
Speaker 1: I wonder how I would have sounded if I stayed
Speaker 1: in Mono. Hey, would you like to buy a glass
Speaker 1: dolphin sculpture? That's what I do for a living. Pardon me?
Speaker 1: You buy the war Do you need it? Extra fishermen?
Speaker 1: Because I fish, dude. I also though, make sculptures of
Speaker 1: fish with glass everything.
Speaker 4: What if Kimmel calls you and they're like, we need
Speaker 4: a Monterey baye based surfer, dumb guy?
Speaker 1: I would faint? I would would I'm gonna nail this
Speaker 1: so hard that I'm gonna faint, need to go to
Speaker 1: the hospital and miss the taping. But what a story. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it would be a story for the nurses that took
Speaker 1: care of me.
Speaker 2: Look at this. Look at the path we're about to take.
Speaker 2: It looks like the fucking stock market, hower me. You know,
Speaker 2: there's so many fuck up left turns.
Speaker 1: God, well, if it is a stock market, it is
Speaker 1: going up according to this map. So if you heard
Speaker 1: it here first, our destination is the twentieth of January,
Speaker 1: where it comes to a complete stop, noted by a black.
Speaker 2: The dot that is. Yeah, well what Chris is looking at?
Speaker 1: Yes? Hold, yes, I have to describe what I'm looking
Speaker 1: at looking at dude, Dude, I'm just describing what I'm
Speaker 1: looking at.
Speaker 4: Did you ever snowboard or skateboard with people that talk
Speaker 4: like that? Do you think that's why this character is
Speaker 4: so readily available?
Speaker 1: See it's so funny because yes, there was an accent
Speaker 1: that and I love one of my best friends ever,
Speaker 1: Ross came back from snowboard camp on ar and he
Speaker 1: kind of talk like this. He's like, yeah, it's pretty cool, dude,
Speaker 1: But it was a boise Idaho accent. He was hanging
Speaker 1: out with our good friend Greg and I went to
Speaker 1: Boise and I realized everyone in Boise kind of talks
Speaker 1: like this, and they it's I'm not even doing it
Speaker 1: justice because I am doing the surfer guy.
Speaker 3: But there was something about like the delivery, like a subdued,
Speaker 3: tiny mouth, like tight lipped. They all talk like this,
Speaker 3: and but it's funny because it's not. It's Idaho.
Speaker 1: So they're like, Oh, my dad's a sugar beet farmer,
Speaker 1: and it's pretty fucking gnarly. Dude, take that Boise God.
Speaker 1: This episode, it's.
Speaker 4: Just like we're tearing you apart. I'm jumping on it.
Speaker 4: We're just tearing your ass, Karen and I.
Speaker 1: Are ripping you to shreds be town, ripping you.
Speaker 4: Idaho lot of white supremacy, a lot of whit frightening.
Speaker 1: Amount, but also a lot of like, uh, I went
Speaker 1: to the gay Pride parade there and it was I
Speaker 1: was tears. Yes, I happened to get on the wrong
Speaker 1: side of the road and she knows that she had
Speaker 1: to look a panic. That's like, I don't have time
Speaker 1: to tell you, but I just got booked on something
Speaker 1: at Kimmel.
Speaker 2: Oh that girl was taking her Surfa art.
Speaker 1: As we speak, she knows nothing about the art scene
Speaker 1: in Monterey. Mosaics, dolphin paintings, dolphin sculptures.
Speaker 6: Caramel caramel cararamel, saltwater, taffy stores, Teddy Roosevelt dolls, and
Speaker 6: Clan Eastwood's may oral office.
Speaker 4: I told you at the time I saw Clane Swood
Speaker 4: in a car on Laurel Canyon Inventura right. No, I
Speaker 4: was coming up Laurel Canyon. He was coming down Laurel
Speaker 4: Ke and he was turning right onto Ventura. I was
Speaker 4: turning left on Ventura. So we were both in the
Speaker 4: intersection together staring at each other, and it looked like
Speaker 4: a poster for a clean Eastwood movie, except where it
Speaker 4: was him in a light blue Jaguar.
Speaker 2: Wow, and it was cool.
Speaker 1: Was it like an old Jaguar or a new one? Old?
Speaker 4: And like it was like clearly his fancy movie star
Speaker 4: car but from nineteen eighty one.
Speaker 1: Oh, that's that's great. Did he look at you and go, well,
Speaker 1: you're going to turn left? Punk?
Speaker 2: He looked like he could have said that because his eyebrows.
Speaker 4: I think he has the thing my dad has where
Speaker 4: it's just like constant eyebrow furrowing over nothing. So it
Speaker 4: looks like you're either thinking or mad all the time.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think he has that too.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's it's he did always have those wild.
Speaker 4: Eyebrows and that lack of an upper lip that brought
Speaker 4: the intensity to a boy.
Speaker 1: Yeah. The only I watched In the Line of Fire recently.
Speaker 1: Great film it is, and it's one of those uh
Speaker 1: you know where John Malkovich is oh very good. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, Well he has the Nicholas Cage ability to
Speaker 1: not be good lately. May I go on a limb?
Speaker 4: I mean, I am behind you and supporting you in
Speaker 4: this theory and purely just an opinion because clearly, oh
Speaker 4: look at there's the.
Speaker 1: Is it an opinion or did you just get roasted Malcolvich?
Speaker 2: Oh shit, Malkovich, even you're not.
Speaker 1: Safe, No one's safe.
Speaker 4: I love the idea that we would just talk to
Speaker 4: John Malkovich like he is a listener. You motherfucker. You've
Speaker 4: been here for fourteen years. Finally were coming at you.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, but that movie.
Speaker 4: We used to when we would come home drunk in
Speaker 4: the nineties, we would put it on. And I had
Speaker 4: a friend who knew all of John Malcovitch's lines because
Speaker 4: he worshiped the job he did in that movie so much.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that it.
Speaker 2: Was like a thing he had to reenact, right.
Speaker 1: And it's funny because I watch it now and uh,
Speaker 1: maybe I'm becoming someone frustrated with my country. But a
Speaker 1: lot of what Malkovich says makes sense. Yeah, it's And
Speaker 1: then you've watched Clint Eastwood, who's supposed to be the hero,
Speaker 1: and he is a womanizing like like very sexually inappropriate
Speaker 1: all the time with the who's the main star? She's
Speaker 1: the best? Uh?
Speaker 2: Is it Melanie Myron?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: Is it Melanie?
Speaker 1: No, it's Julia Roberts. Let's just go with Julia Roberts
Speaker 1: or Julia Roberts type as it said on her audition papers.
Speaker 2: What color hair does she have in? What was the length?
Speaker 1: Brown? Uh?
Speaker 2: Rene Russo? Oh she has red hair?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, red to brown. It's auburn, burgundy, burgundy.
Speaker 4: She's such a good actress and she deserves more all
Speaker 4: the time. And it's ridiculous that she isn't like the legendary.
Speaker 1: Actually so right, so good in it that he sings
Speaker 1: all these inappropriate flirty things and she just brushes it
Speaker 1: off and makes it seem like he's not saying terrible
Speaker 1: things because she's still in control.
Speaker 2: And that was your woman in the nineties, right.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's it's it's funny what movies you watch and
Speaker 1: you're like, wow, this part doesn't hold up at all,
Speaker 1: And it's usually the way a woman's being treated in
Speaker 1: a script, like some coped up group of dudes wrote
Speaker 1: her to be that way.
Speaker 4: A lot of divorces write in scripts in the nineties
Speaker 4: of a lot of people who are unsatisfied with their relationships.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you take it out on the page.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, these women talking all the times like okay, sorry,
Speaker 4: it's one of the things he do.
Speaker 1: Yeah, she just gets all soaked up in her work.
Speaker 1: She couldn't find the right man. But it's okay with
Speaker 1: Clint Eastwood. He was just giving a raw deal.
Speaker 2: He's just gonna tap her on the ass a couple
Speaker 2: of times.
Speaker 1: May I think there are yeah, there are some even
Speaker 1: physical things where it's like, oh no, you can't do that.
Speaker 1: But you can see that in a movie from twenty ten.
Speaker 1: They say and knew the wrong things.
Speaker 4: Why in God's name would this be a street where
Speaker 4: the cross traffic doesn't stop?
Speaker 1: Quick? Que I don't know that's a good.
Speaker 2: Uh, I mean it seems dangerous.
Speaker 1: She's good.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Why is it so wide? It's only gonna make
Speaker 1: people go faster.
Speaker 2: Also, why is everyone walking their dog right now?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Every single person?
Speaker 1: Don't they know we're in Coyote City? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Oh god, damn it.
Speaker 1: Well what what happened the one protected intersection? It's the
Speaker 1: one you turned on?
Speaker 4: Well, I guess dude, Okay, this should be okay. There's
Speaker 4: if there's a stop light down here. They just love
Speaker 4: to make your turn left when there's no stop light.
Speaker 1: It's weird. When I one time I went to that
Speaker 1: house and loaded a tiny motorcycle out of the garage
Speaker 1: and into a truck. I can't remember who lived there
Speaker 1: or who I was with. Oh isn't that funny? How
Speaker 1: life is?
Speaker 2: Are you gonna tell the story on Timmel tonight?
Speaker 1: Yes? Yeah, they told me and just riff my favorite stories.
Speaker 1: I thought it open with that, okay, and then you know,
Speaker 1: close out with my new witch joke, one.
Speaker 4: Witch joke with all the alts. Just read those alts
Speaker 4: off a piece of paper.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, I think this, luckily is a scripted thing
Speaker 1: and it'll be quick. But who knows. What if they're like,
Speaker 1: we had a very involved, complicated James A doming And
Speaker 1: character and he can't do it. Then I would just
Speaker 1: faint like I can't I can't do I can't do
Speaker 1: what he does.
Speaker 4: But your friend Andy knows what you can do, right.
Speaker 4: I mean as someone who's like.
Speaker 2: Oh, look at this Christmas talas. Yes, snoopy on a motorcycle.
Speaker 1: I love it. That's the headlight lights up. That's funny.
Speaker 1: I get. I still get excited for Christmas decorations.
Speaker 4: Me too, because it's like it's some someone gives a
Speaker 4: shit in this area.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's that.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: See that guy has embraced the coyotes by leashing a wolf,
Speaker 1: a timber wolf. I mean, how close that's not a husky.
Speaker 4: Maybe it is, Maybe it is. It's weird though. Even
Speaker 4: huskies seem weird in LA. Aren't they hot?
Speaker 1: Yeah? You would think, right, shave that thing, yes, But
Speaker 1: then sometimes when you shave them, they feel really embarrassed.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1: Other ones are like, let me in front of that
Speaker 1: mirror again. You don't know.
Speaker 2: No, they're all different.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, it's oh there's a jaguar, it's clean eastern. Oh,
Speaker 1: don't look at them. Yeah, this is one of those
Speaker 1: areas where when I moved here, I'm like, oh, this
Speaker 1: must be where all the movie stars live, or at
Speaker 1: least actors that you see in things, And no, they
Speaker 1: live in more modest homes. These are I don't know
Speaker 1: what rich people do.
Speaker 2: I mean, you know a lot of them just inherit wealth.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 4: The guy just made me like almost pull over just
Speaker 4: because probably because he was an angry Republican.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, he just took up the middle of the road.
Speaker 1: I can tell how you voted just by how you
Speaker 1: act on a uh surface street. Yeah, I can tell.
Speaker 2: And I'm not letting you off the hook even if.
Speaker 1: I'm wrong, right, I mean correct.
Speaker 4: What would be the ideal sketch for you to be
Speaker 4: in on Kimmel tonight, dam dream a dream?
Speaker 1: Well? I do like my idea about you know, Matt
Speaker 1: gets slipping in some sexual lubricant at some sort of
Speaker 1: a Epstein whatever. I didn't finish writing that one. Get good,
Speaker 1: but yeah, it immediately makes me think because Kimmel does
Speaker 1: so much political commentarian is monologue, sure that maybe it
Speaker 1: would be That's immediately where my brain goes. But if
Speaker 1: it was a a fumbling professor comes in, like, if
Speaker 1: I get to be a pardon me like something like
Speaker 1: that and then drop something and while wearing thick glasses, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I guess I want to do a Jerry Lewis nineteen
Speaker 1: fifties type characters.
Speaker 4: Except you could do that. Yeah, definitely, Please don't do that. No,
Speaker 4: don't be racist. But what about is there anything you
Speaker 4: two talked about when you were bowling that would make
Speaker 4: him think you would?
Speaker 2: Hey, you could actually come in and do.
Speaker 1: This ohing you talk all the time. No, I hadn't
Speaker 1: seen those guys for a long time, and we didn't.
Speaker 1: We talked before the show, but then danced to music
Speaker 1: because it was that LCD sound System show, so it
Speaker 1: was like there wasn't a lot of there is the
Speaker 1: immediate catchup in the beginning.
Speaker 2: So this could be a dancing sketch.
Speaker 1: But it was so fun to be with two friends,
Speaker 1: even though we weren't speaking. It was so fun to like,
Speaker 1: the Palladium is so cool because it's a giant gymnasium
Speaker 1: and everyone. It took me a while before I would
Speaker 1: publicly dance, but by the end, everyone was dancing and
Speaker 1: it's so fun. You forget I mean, I could quote
Speaker 1: any number of Kevin Bacon's lines from Footloose right now.
Speaker 1: But it's it's there's a reason dancing's in the Bible.
Speaker 2: Because it's so beautiful. Yes, and of the Lord.
Speaker 1: Yes.
Speaker 4: Yes.
Speaker 1: Even John Lithgow would have done a headspin at the
Speaker 1: LCD sound System show. It was fun to see Andy
Speaker 1: and Leon dancing.
Speaker 2: What if LCD sound Systems on Timmel tonight?
Speaker 4: Oh man, they have a sketch where you were like
Speaker 4: the dancing guy.
Speaker 1: Oh you know what? My if it were that there
Speaker 1: was a that song where he talks about all the
Speaker 1: bands that used to play at CBGB's. We talked about
Speaker 1: this already right where he's like mentions Yeazz and mentions
Speaker 1: uh other bands.
Speaker 4: Uh.
Speaker 1: If I was hired to do those mentions impressions of
Speaker 1: those singers, wouldn't that be fun?
Speaker 2: Could you do? Almer?
Speaker 1: Uh? I could, but we get sued because it's so real.
Speaker 1: I'm never gonna let you.
Speaker 2: Go, don't go, I'm kenny.
Speaker 1: It was. That was more like al Similie if she
Speaker 1: became a glass dolphin.
Speaker 2: Sculptor, I'm go go to camel.
Speaker 1: Well, when I was a kid, I'd listen to Yaz
Speaker 1: and uh, I would imagine, like when I listened to
Speaker 1: a lot of music, I imagine myself singing because I thought
Speaker 1: I didn't when you're a little kid, You're like, wait,
Speaker 1: I can't be the singer imagined if it's a grown
Speaker 1: lady singer. So now I have to imagine someone else singing.
Speaker 1: But I liked it when I was the singer. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but now I got to change my voice a little,
Speaker 1: and then I put do it anymore.
Speaker 2: Oh okay.
Speaker 1: But she has a very smoky, sultry and like when
Speaker 1: I first heard, well a lot of bands, like there's
Speaker 1: that rich, deep voice. And then when you're a little kid,
Speaker 1: that's like, why can't pretend I'm a lady singer? You know,
Speaker 1: kids are dumb.
Speaker 2: Well, kids raised in a patriarchical society.
Speaker 1: Choice, But I blamed my dad in the society I
Speaker 1: surrounded him. I can sing like Alison Noyer if.
Speaker 2: You want to.
Speaker 4: Is that her name alone. I've seen a couple of
Speaker 4: clips of her on TikTok recently. I think she did
Speaker 4: an interview somewhere. I think she did a festival where
Speaker 4: people went crazy because she was there, and it made
Speaker 4: me so happy, so happy.
Speaker 2: She's the best.
Speaker 1: Actually, maybe that was one of the albums my sister
Speaker 1: gave me upstairs at Eric's. Oh hell yes, and I
Speaker 1: I think it had to grow on me over years
Speaker 1: and years. I didn't like it until I was in
Speaker 1: my twenties.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a certain it's a certain energy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was like a Dancy type singing.
Speaker 2: Can you me right love that kind of stuff?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: Sorry, Jim, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah that okay. I thought for a
Speaker 1: second that was I'm not remembering a lot of band
Speaker 1: names right now. I'm a bit friends, and you don't
Speaker 1: have It's right. I'd be terrible if this was a
Speaker 1: podcast about music.
Speaker 2: I mean, I'd be bored.
Speaker 1: If a podcast to Thank God, it's just roast. Take
Speaker 1: a left delivery boy.
Speaker 4: Go to hell, you dumb Lime scooter rental salesman.
Speaker 1: I bet that that band is filmed with charged up limescooters.
Speaker 1: It's a good side business.
Speaker 2: I bet people make nice money.
Speaker 1: I and I'm not kidding. I had a neighbor in
Speaker 1: Venice that apparently they only give you. They govern the
Speaker 1: amount of chargers you can get, and with one charging
Speaker 1: unit you can charge up to twenty scooters a night.
Speaker 1: This guy that lived near me, had his entire family
Speaker 1: sign up to be Lime Scooter recharging people so he could,
Speaker 1: and then he rented for a long time, rented a
Speaker 1: giant like U haul type enterprise, rent a van and
Speaker 1: would fill it with hundreds of these things when they
Speaker 1: first started dropping them off in Venice and people are like,
Speaker 1: what are these things? And just threw them in the
Speaker 1: river or in the the canals, and it was like
Speaker 1: five bucks a recharge, I think, And he earned enough
Speaker 1: to buy himself a van, just like the money is renting.
Speaker 1: Continued to do it and started a moving business and
Speaker 1: uh ended up buying the house he was renting with
Speaker 1: the money he was earning. The story, I mean, he
Speaker 1: was working his ass off, and you'd think there'd be
Speaker 1: other get quick rich, get quick rich. What is wrong
Speaker 1: with my brain? I haven't even started memorizing my lines.
Speaker 1: Here's what's going to happen is we'll be done recording
Speaker 1: and he'll say false alarm, thanks for I love you, buddy.
Speaker 1: That's the that I mean, not to sound pessimistic, Let's
Speaker 1: just let that guy go. He's got he's got the
Speaker 1: Ghostbusters Spirit catcher that looks exactly like the Ghostbusters Spirit Catcher.
Speaker 1: Did I call it?
Speaker 4: I mean spirit Catcher is kind of a fun uh.
Speaker 1: A proton, Yes, I mean it's it's the ghost Catcher.
Speaker 2: Ghosts.
Speaker 1: I would not be surprised if that wasn't a prop
Speaker 1: from the movie.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it really looked realistic.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but then he opened his trunk and there were
Speaker 4: so many uh, plastic bottles, empty plastic bottles.
Speaker 1: Those were ghosts and bottles, much like, uh, you know
Speaker 1: what else are you going to keep them in contained? True? Yeah,
Speaker 1: you just fired them in there and cap it and throw.
Speaker 2: Them in your trunk.
Speaker 4: Me like, I'm gonna I'm gonna bring these to the
Speaker 4: ghost recycling center soon.
Speaker 1: God, the thirty five pending lives and need to be relived.
Speaker 2: They have to get sent back up.
Speaker 1: Wait, I think we just pitched a movie.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's Ghostbusters five. Yes, and it's more spiritual kind
Speaker 4: of a little Jesus.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, Yeah, there's a lot of mention in the Lord.
Speaker 1: Actually Jesus comes back and actually accidentally gets hit my
Speaker 1: New York City bus and they have to there's a
Speaker 1: whole bunch.
Speaker 2: Of Jesus gets hit by a bus.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm back, everybody, time to get judged. Hong he's
Speaker 1: on life support.
Speaker 2: And then he's like, I'm actually wondering how I got here.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and they're like, oh, maybe we should pray to.
Speaker 2: Not me. I'm off the clock.
Speaker 1: That's his last words. And then and then the Ghostbusters
Speaker 1: for it coming soon? Or is it seven? I haven't
Speaker 1: kept track.
Speaker 2: There's been plenty lately.
Speaker 1: There's a I started watching the most recent and I
Speaker 1: stopped washing watching out of respect for past ghostbusters have passed.
Speaker 2: Can you read truck for me?
Speaker 1: Free estimates?
Speaker 2: The name says it all, and then what's the name?
Speaker 1: Ww colm? Oh, this business is over?
Speaker 4: Oh no, you know why because those estimates are free. Yeah,
Speaker 4: don't fucking give people free estimates. You don't owe anybody anything.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're not even gonna be able to pay off
Speaker 1: the stickers on your.
Speaker 2: Truck the names.
Speaker 1: I don't do this for money. Go to freesthmus dot
Speaker 1: com where we're taking a bath over here.
Speaker 4: The business is not doing well as free estimates dot com.
Speaker 1: Did you see that other guy that was like on
Speaker 1: his way tour from work and he was just unloading
Speaker 1: his trunk because his car was smashed into a pole. No,
Speaker 1: oh man, goddamn, he did freehousepanning dot com.
Speaker 2: The name says it all.
Speaker 1: It's wearing all white. Oh should we help them? That'd
Speaker 1: be a very special episode. Maybe next episode we can
Speaker 1: pull over and help someone. Because we are recording and
Speaker 1: that's it.
Speaker 2: I can't get involved.
Speaker 1: It's my favorite Instagram video where they're like, hey, are
Speaker 1: you having trouble in life? Here's one thousand dollars. I
Speaker 1: love you and I'm always like on the fence, like,
Speaker 1: and all the comments are like, they wouldn't do that
Speaker 1: if there wasn't a camera. Yeah, so what they're really
Speaker 1: doing it?
Speaker 2: They are doing it?
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Have you seen the ones where they go to home
Speaker 4: depot where people are waiting to work outside, and then
Speaker 4: they're like they they get them all in the truck, like, yeah,
Speaker 4: are you ready for a job?
Speaker 2: Have you ever been to Disneyland? And then they bring.
Speaker 1: Ill Yeah, I love it they yeah, yeah, and they
Speaker 1: are having Yeah. They turned the little kids on the
Speaker 1: roller coaster.
Speaker 2: Most of them have never been.
Speaker 4: It's the And then they get money yeah, and they're
Speaker 4: just like, this has been the best day.
Speaker 2: It's so precious.
Speaker 1: I a long time ago in a panic in a meeting,
Speaker 1: a general meeting where I pitched the ideas that I liked,
Speaker 1: and they were like, do you have anything else? And
Speaker 1: I had seen I had just moved here and was
Speaker 1: kind of new to the world of like there being
Speaker 1: a lot of unhoused people and clearly people in need
Speaker 1: of mental health care. And I was like, what if
Speaker 1: it's a show where we help people that are out
Speaker 1: in the streets get medicated and get their lives together,
Speaker 1: Like we help them take the steps and it's like
Speaker 1: an episodic where you do it for a different person.
Speaker 1: And they were like, yeah, but then you'd have to
Speaker 1: follow up and then leave that person hanging. And I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's a good point. I guess. Yeah, you don't want
Speaker 1: to get someone started on medication and be like Okay,
Speaker 1: good luck later. But I'm seeing that it is the
Speaker 1: most popular thing, yeah, twenty years later on Instagram.
Speaker 5: I mean, because people have realized we're going to have
Speaker 5: to do this for each other because no one will
Speaker 5: fucking come and give anybody the kind of mental health
Speaker 5: services that they should actually have.
Speaker 1: Right Yeah, Yeah, Luckily I just got callous to it.
Speaker 4: Also, I love were like at Comedy Central pitching let's
Speaker 4: help the homeland.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, it was comedy, so I really I can't.
Speaker 1: I think I got confused because it just said viacom
Speaker 1: on the wall. I'm like, that's all types of media.
Speaker 1: What about I'm oprah, I help people. Where are the jokes? Oh,
Speaker 1: there's no jokes at all.
Speaker 2: And I worry about those jokes. It won't be funny.
Speaker 1: And don't mind that I'm crying right now right of
Speaker 1: this is a problem, like as like this, that person
Speaker 1: in that tent is having a difficult time right now. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and what if we were like, hey, what do you need,
Speaker 1: Let's go to a doctor. I don't.
Speaker 4: I think it doesn't work like that because I think
Speaker 4: that kind of it's like sometimes those people are like
Speaker 4: what I need is for you to get the fuck
Speaker 4: away from me.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 4: It's like all right, So that's the we don't have
Speaker 4: the solution all the time.
Speaker 2: And what it is is.
Speaker 4: There needs to be fucking services so people can go
Speaker 4: get what they need, as opposed to like, hey, why
Speaker 4: is your complex?
Speaker 2: I'll be the one that does a thing.
Speaker 1: Well. Those services got ended in nineteen eighty one as
Speaker 1: retaliation against John Hinckley for not going to prison. That's
Speaker 1: why I think Regan shut him all down. Think so yep,
Speaker 1: he was mad because he wanted him to go to jail,
Speaker 1: and he went to psychiatric hospital and then that same year,
Speaker 1: in nineteen eighty one, he shut him all down.
Speaker 2: And incredible.
Speaker 4: Oh I know about that because my mom was a
Speaker 4: psychiatric nurse and she fucking talked about it NonStop, and
Speaker 4: she predicted the state at the worlds and now where
Speaker 4: it's like, where will these people go? They need people,
Speaker 4: well to give them care, they need people to help
Speaker 4: them take their pills. This is a sect of society
Speaker 4: that we've all already agreed we were going to help,
Speaker 4: and we're just gonna stop helping them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well I could wait until, like we I can
Speaker 1: just hang out where I live and wait for the
Speaker 1: many people that come up to me and actually ask
Speaker 1: me for help yeah and say patch yes, Like oh really,
Speaker 1: I believe it was speaking of needing help. Right, You
Speaker 1: just got roasted Blaine.
Speaker 2: Fuck you, Blaine.
Speaker 1: So I got inspired by that Andy sketch. I say
Speaker 1: Andy sketched because his last name has also escaped me.
Speaker 1: Is there low oxygen in your car?
Speaker 2: Let's do this.
Speaker 4: Maybe there's we've all recirculated too much whatever that that chemical, right,
Speaker 4: two CO three.
Speaker 2: There it is in hails deeply R two D two.
Speaker 1: Oh my, did you like that impression?
Speaker 2: It was pretty good?
Speaker 1: Save it.
Speaker 2: Put it in your little bindle for tonight.
Speaker 1: Oh no, oh my, get.
Speaker 2: Those elbows up.
Speaker 1: Oh my, rusty elbows are too Uh.
Speaker 2: Oh, there's a big event happening.
Speaker 1: Oh, this looks like a job for us. That's right.
Speaker 1: Help wherever they're sirens will get in the way. Kuh
Speaker 1: need any help with that gurney?
Speaker 4: Oh those are ambulances at the Oh.
Speaker 1: Oh, we would have gotten away with it if you
Speaker 1: didn't tell everyone. Maybe I should go offer my help.
Speaker 1: All right, let's ride this and then call viacom. Fine,
Speaker 1: you've been listening to Do you need a ride? D
Speaker 1: y n A R. This has been an exactly right production.
Speaker 2: Our senior producer is Analise Nelson.
Speaker 1: Mixed by Edson Choy.
Speaker 4: Our talent booker is Patrick Kotner.
Speaker 1: Theme song by Karen Kilgarret.
Speaker 2: Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.
Speaker 4: Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar
Speaker 4: podcast That's d y nar Podcast.
Speaker 1: For more information, go to exactly Rightmedia dot com.
Speaker 2: Thank you, Oh you're welcome.