1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor Dom here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,040 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:33,360 Speaker 1: fm to get started. 11 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:39,279 Speaker 2: Says your little one love Pawpatrol? What about dinosaurs? Well perfect, 12 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,800 Speaker 2: because the new season of Paw Patrol is here and 13 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:45,240 Speaker 2: guess what, it's a dino rescue. I personally can't wait 14 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:47,879 Speaker 2: for my kid to watch each episode ten times a night. 15 00:00:48,159 --> 00:00:48,319 Speaker 3: Woo. 16 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,240 Speaker 2: On the plus side, all your holiday and birthday gift 17 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:54,320 Speaker 2: shopping is pretty much done because, of course, there are 18 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:57,200 Speaker 2: a whole new batch of dino rescue toys too, Paw 19 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,600 Speaker 2: Patrol Dino Rescue. Check it out. It's gonna be powsome. 20 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,280 Speaker 4: Hey lady, it is Terry here from the Herspace podcast, 21 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:10,200 Speaker 4: and I just wanted to give you a quick disclaimer 22 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:13,039 Speaker 4: to let you know that today's episode is a live 23 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:16,679 Speaker 4: session recorded at the University of San Francisco. Although we 24 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,080 Speaker 4: have a live audience, we didn't have microphones for the 25 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:22,200 Speaker 4: audience members this time around, so you may not be 26 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:25,960 Speaker 4: able to hear their questions or their feedback. However, Dom 27 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,880 Speaker 4: and I did try to do our best to repeat 28 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:29,720 Speaker 4: what they said. We just wanted to let you know 29 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:32,440 Speaker 4: before you start listening. Next time around, we'll be sure 30 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:35,680 Speaker 4: to have microphones. Bear with us for still working progress. 31 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,680 Speaker 4: Thanks for tuning in, and let's dive into this episode. 32 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,920 Speaker 4: On this week's episode in Herspace. 33 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:48,280 Speaker 1: The boundary setting can definitely be a hard thing to do, 34 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:53,360 Speaker 1: but it only takes a little bit of practice. And 35 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,800 Speaker 1: so one of the tips we want to give you 36 00:01:55,840 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 1: all is that boundary setting is important and everything that 37 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 1: you do within navigating relationships, it only takes a baby 38 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:13,040 Speaker 1: step and that practice makes permanent, not perfect, but permanent, 39 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:19,600 Speaker 1: and so the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. 40 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:23,919 Speaker 1: If we think about like riding a bike, right when 41 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:32,320 Speaker 1: you first started riding a bike, were you good at nobody? 42 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:35,119 Speaker 1: I know, I sure wasn't. Or how about driving a car? 43 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:47,240 Speaker 1: So ter you ready, yes, what is the worst relationship 44 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 1: that you've been in that you. 45 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:52,360 Speaker 3: Can kind of recall for us. Okay, so I'm going 46 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,440 Speaker 3: to tell you the worst relationship, but I'm going to 47 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:56,120 Speaker 3: use a story, and so I want to let you 48 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,520 Speaker 3: know that if you if I'm telling the story and 49 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:00,480 Speaker 3: anything resonates with you and you're like, oh my gosh, 50 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,440 Speaker 3: been through that, girl, Yes, I just want you to 51 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:05,880 Speaker 3: give me a Can we do that? That's the only 52 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:10,280 Speaker 3: kunt of three together? Okay, one, two, three? Okay, there 53 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:13,920 Speaker 3: we go, So stit back and let's take this ride. Okay, 54 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,800 Speaker 3: So it all started. I'm embarrassed to say this, but 55 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 3: this person and I will call him Jose to respect 56 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,120 Speaker 3: his confidence, y'all, because I don't know this person anymore. 57 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,640 Speaker 3: But we met online. And so that's the first part 58 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:31,040 Speaker 3: for me because this was years ago. She'll tell you 59 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,919 Speaker 3: the website we met on. We met on my Space. 60 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:34,040 Speaker 3: I know, it's like. 61 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: It's embarrassing, but like it's like, okay, we. 62 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:43,200 Speaker 3: Met on my space. So the first thing for me 63 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,920 Speaker 3: was that I'm not going to tell anyone where we met. 64 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,880 Speaker 3: So like I had this whole live built up, like oh, 65 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,400 Speaker 3: we met at a pizza shop, like it was just 66 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,280 Speaker 3: random and like, who raise your hair? Have you met 67 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:56,240 Speaker 3: anyone of the pizza shop ever and dated them. Okay, 68 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:58,119 Speaker 3: so I can tell it was the worst lie ever. 69 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,360 Speaker 3: But anyway, we met on my Space. You know, weird 70 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:02,480 Speaker 3: thing about it is we were friends for two years, 71 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:04,640 Speaker 3: so we never met each other. We were just like 72 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:06,960 Speaker 3: talking on the phone because we connected over like our 73 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:09,040 Speaker 3: interests or something, and it was very innocent. We were 74 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,280 Speaker 3: just friends two years. I felt like I knew him 75 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:15,760 Speaker 3: as a person, and so two years later we ended 76 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:20,120 Speaker 3: up meeting in person. And you ever noticed red flags? 77 00:04:20,279 --> 00:04:30,480 Speaker 3: But okay, I okay, so I noticed some red flags, 78 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:33,960 Speaker 3: but I you know how we just like, I just 79 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:38,520 Speaker 3: this little thing, so it can't be that bad, right, 80 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:41,480 Speaker 3: So the red flag that I noticed is that when 81 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:43,240 Speaker 3: we met, we were like really great because we had 82 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:45,039 Speaker 3: talked for two years. We were like really good friends. 83 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,840 Speaker 3: We knew each other pretty deeply because of these long conversations, 84 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,159 Speaker 3: and when we met, he was like very I mean, 85 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:51,680 Speaker 3: I was excited to meet him, but he was like 86 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,960 Speaker 3: very addedant about dating. And I really wasn't in a 87 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,840 Speaker 3: place where I wanted to be in a relationship or 88 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,400 Speaker 3: date anyone. But I was at a point in my 89 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,880 Speaker 3: life where I was still like working on building my 90 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:04,080 Speaker 3: self esteem, working on building my confidence, and one thing 91 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:07,200 Speaker 3: I always struggled with was saying no when I meant it, 92 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:10,880 Speaker 3: like for mem that's what I'm talking about. No was 93 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,039 Speaker 3: not a complete sentence, and so because of things that 94 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,440 Speaker 3: I've been through growing up and my life, I just 95 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,440 Speaker 3: struggled with saying no. And so I kind of felt 96 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,839 Speaker 3: like low key pressure to be in the relationship because 97 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:22,000 Speaker 3: he was like, we'd be so good together, like we're friends, 98 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:25,320 Speaker 3: da da dad, and I was just like, Okay, I guess, 99 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,120 Speaker 3: let's see what happens. That was the first reflag for 100 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,279 Speaker 3: me because I did say I don't know. I wasn't 101 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,760 Speaker 3: very interested, but he kind of continued to press. And so, 102 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:38,640 Speaker 3: long story short, the beginning was great honeymoon phase, going 103 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,040 Speaker 3: on dates, We're talking on the phone, meeting family, all 104 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:44,920 Speaker 3: that was great. But then something changed, and it changed drastically, 105 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,640 Speaker 3: and I never foresaw this relationship getting to that point. 106 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,480 Speaker 3: And so some of the things that came up for 107 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:54,400 Speaker 3: me was that he started to get really controlling, to 108 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:58,800 Speaker 3: the point where he would, you know, not want me 109 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:01,839 Speaker 3: to like talk to colleagues that were males. He would 110 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,160 Speaker 3: think that he actually came to me to one of 111 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,520 Speaker 3: my family events, and he thought that my uncle was 112 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,159 Speaker 3: like trying to hit on me, which is really weird 113 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,480 Speaker 3: stuff where he was like very insecure, but he was like, 114 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,040 Speaker 3: you can't look at anyone, you can't talk to anyone 115 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,200 Speaker 3: or like have friends, and it was just really strange 116 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,839 Speaker 3: for me, and I felt like he was kind of 117 00:06:16,839 --> 00:06:18,880 Speaker 3: trying to pull me away from the people that loved 118 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,600 Speaker 3: me the most, like my family, my church family, things 119 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:24,920 Speaker 3: like that, and I tried to break up with him, 120 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:26,279 Speaker 3: so I was like, this is just too much. And 121 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:28,000 Speaker 3: every time I tried to break up with him, it 122 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:31,280 Speaker 3: would just be like this this sad, petty story, and 123 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,640 Speaker 3: like he would, you know, be dramatic and make me 124 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,640 Speaker 3: feel bad. And in the relationship, I began to feel 125 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:39,479 Speaker 3: like I was being like emotionally and mentally it was 126 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:42,279 Speaker 3: so draining, Like it was just it was a lot, 127 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:45,240 Speaker 3: you know, and I felt like I had sort of 128 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:47,520 Speaker 3: become this person I didn't want to become because I 129 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:51,760 Speaker 3: was trying to appease him. And that's kind of the 130 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:52,479 Speaker 3: gist of it. 131 00:06:55,880 --> 00:07:00,640 Speaker 1: As a psychologist, when I hear this, I immediately picking up 132 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,960 Speaker 1: on all the red flags, right, all the warning signs 133 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,680 Speaker 1: of hey, maybe she should back away from this. Maybe 134 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:12,680 Speaker 1: it might be a good idea to reevaluate the relationship. 135 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,320 Speaker 1: But I want to check in with you all to 136 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,920 Speaker 1: see if you all can kind of figure out what 137 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,920 Speaker 1: were or notice some of the red flags that she 138 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:27,600 Speaker 1: shared and anybody can point point it out. 139 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,880 Speaker 3: There's no wrong answer here, I. 140 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:34,000 Speaker 5: Think just from the beginning where he insisted you guys 141 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:37,480 Speaker 5: should be a relationship and you didn't acknowledge that you 142 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:42,040 Speaker 5: weren't for you into it. But still, yeah, just think 143 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:42,920 Speaker 5: from the beginning as. 144 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:50,080 Speaker 1: A healthy relationship should be about equality and should have 145 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:55,920 Speaker 1: open communication. So there should be a conversation about is 146 00:07:55,960 --> 00:08:00,360 Speaker 1: this what we both want and if it's not, how 147 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,800 Speaker 1: do we figure out what's going to be the best 148 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:19,760 Speaker 1: for each of us. Yeah, So that isolation oftentimes is 149 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:24,080 Speaker 1: one of the first steps that can lead to interpersonal 150 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,880 Speaker 1: in a partner of violence. And so yes, that is 151 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:33,280 Speaker 1: an excellent red flag to pick up on, Like he 152 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:43,200 Speaker 1: was jealous and insecure? Oh yes, yes, absolutely, so you 153 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,520 Speaker 1: want to tell him what ended up happening and what 154 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,480 Speaker 1: lessons you ended up ultimately learning for sure. 155 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,400 Speaker 3: So for in that situation, I feel I broke up 156 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,720 Speaker 3: with him like five times and find like I would 157 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,319 Speaker 3: keep going back, and it was like he had gotten 158 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,040 Speaker 3: to a point where he was He was never violent, 159 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,840 Speaker 3: but I felt like it was to get to that point, 160 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:02,960 Speaker 3: and he was like physical in a way that made 161 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,840 Speaker 3: me very uncomfortable. And so finally I was just like, 162 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,320 Speaker 3: you know what, I had, just like, I just I 163 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:09,480 Speaker 3: had to stop, because when someone gets you in that 164 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:12,320 Speaker 3: that space where you're isolated, you begin to and for 165 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,520 Speaker 3: me personally at least, I began to believe everything that 166 00:09:14,559 --> 00:09:16,959 Speaker 3: he was saying, and it just totally took me out 167 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,920 Speaker 3: of the person that I was, And looking back on it, 168 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,040 Speaker 3: I'm like, why didn't I see that? It's so bizarre. 169 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:23,320 Speaker 3: And I spent time beating myself up after the fact, 170 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,040 Speaker 3: of course, but I did finally end up breaking up 171 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:28,680 Speaker 3: with him totally, like cut him out of my life, 172 00:09:28,679 --> 00:09:30,840 Speaker 3: And life was so much better after that, but I 173 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 3: still had some like emotional trauma that I had to 174 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:36,200 Speaker 3: heal from because I was disappointed at myself, Like how 175 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:38,640 Speaker 3: did I Like, my mom is a strong, amazing woman, 176 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,760 Speaker 3: she taught me so well, how did I get in 177 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,360 Speaker 3: that position? I never thought that I would be a 178 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,840 Speaker 3: person who would be in a situation where I would 179 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:47,240 Speaker 3: like let someone control me in my life. And so 180 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,680 Speaker 3: I think what I learned there is that it's so 181 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,600 Speaker 3: important to utilize our voice, like our voices our power. 182 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:56,320 Speaker 3: And there was a quote that the woman that spoke 183 00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:01,360 Speaker 3: earlier shared that from was it I was forget Alice 184 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,640 Speaker 3: Walker's quote about you know someone. I don't know the 185 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,280 Speaker 3: quote verbatim, but basically it was saying that anyone that's 186 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,360 Speaker 3: going to take you like that's going to discourage you 187 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,400 Speaker 3: to use your voice is they shouldn't be in your life, 188 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,040 Speaker 3: you know what I mean. And so that's one of 189 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,880 Speaker 3: the things that I learned from that situation. 190 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 1: And so when we hear her story, are there anythings 191 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,720 Speaker 1: that other things that come up for you when you 192 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,680 Speaker 1: think about like that was a toxic what we would 193 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:30,280 Speaker 1: consider a toxic relationship. And one of the things that 194 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:37,200 Speaker 1: I think about is that you mentioned going back multiple times, 195 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:42,040 Speaker 1: and that's something that that happens. That's a normal pattern 196 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:48,319 Speaker 1: when it comes to leaving abusive relationships. And even though 197 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:53,280 Speaker 1: you didn't identify the relationship as physically abusive, that's a sign. 198 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:56,320 Speaker 1: All the things that you pointed out were signs of 199 00:10:56,400 --> 00:11:02,320 Speaker 1: emotional abuse, and emotional and verbal abuse is still just 200 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:06,199 Speaker 1: as valid and can still be just as damaging. 201 00:11:10,559 --> 00:11:13,199 Speaker 3: But not all relationships are like that, right. 202 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:17,600 Speaker 1: So what Terry's pointing out to us is that she 203 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:21,280 Speaker 1: learned she learned some valuable lessons from that relationship. 204 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:21,559 Speaker 6: Right. 205 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,320 Speaker 1: One of the things that you pointed out was that 206 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:29,880 Speaker 1: you learn to use your voice. So can you tell 207 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,160 Speaker 1: us or can you think of another relationship where you 208 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,720 Speaker 1: actually had the opportunity to use your voice and what 209 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:36,280 Speaker 1: was that like? 210 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:40,360 Speaker 3: For sure? So after that relationship, I kind of got 211 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,000 Speaker 3: into a place in life where I was like, Okay, 212 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,800 Speaker 3: that was so bad. It was like so far from 213 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,760 Speaker 3: anything I'd ever experienced, and I didn't even recognize myself 214 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:50,199 Speaker 3: After the relationship that I had to do some rebuildings. 215 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:51,800 Speaker 3: I was building up my self estate and building on 216 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,200 Speaker 3: my confidence. I was like, I am not dating anyone, 217 00:11:54,679 --> 00:11:57,680 Speaker 3: regardless of how you know, much they may try to 218 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,400 Speaker 3: you know, pursue or you know, flatter or what like. 219 00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:02,480 Speaker 3: I'm not doing that. I'm going to be focused and 220 00:12:02,559 --> 00:12:05,319 Speaker 3: date myself. And so I spent two years literally like 221 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:08,240 Speaker 3: reading self help book, spending time with myself, like literally 222 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:11,560 Speaker 3: taking myself on dates and getting to like sort of 223 00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:15,040 Speaker 3: strengthen my own spirit and there was this guy that 224 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:16,920 Speaker 3: was you know, you know you like text people. I 225 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,199 Speaker 3: don't hear any mm hms yet, but you know, yoused 226 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:23,960 Speaker 3: to have friends right down, we talked about little texts. 227 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,960 Speaker 3: So all I'm gonna say, I'm trying to think. So 228 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,320 Speaker 3: I went through a little phase where I just had 229 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,000 Speaker 3: lots of friends, right and more like texting. And this 230 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:34,200 Speaker 3: one guy in particular, he would always text me. I 231 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,079 Speaker 3: can't remember what he said, but he would say something 232 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:38,800 Speaker 3: like not big head in the sense that you know 233 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,640 Speaker 3: today people are like, hey, big head, you know what 234 00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:42,760 Speaker 3: I mean, not like that. But he said something that 235 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:44,880 Speaker 3: was kind of like it was like a little negative 236 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:47,800 Speaker 3: and it like hit me the wrong way. So I 237 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,560 Speaker 3: don't know if it was like hey, ugly or something, 238 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,240 Speaker 3: because some people in certain communities play around and say 239 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,600 Speaker 3: things like that, right, And so he had said something 240 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,240 Speaker 3: and I was so serious with him. I was like, oh, yeah, that, 241 00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,960 Speaker 3: I don't like that, so you need to stop calling 242 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:01,840 Speaker 3: me that or whatever. And he thought it was a joke. 243 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:03,760 Speaker 3: He was like playing around. I was like, I'm dead serious, 244 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,560 Speaker 3: Like if you continue to do that, I'm not gonna 245 00:13:05,559 --> 00:13:06,000 Speaker 3: text you. 246 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:10,600 Speaker 1: Back and set a boundary. Yes, I set a boundary boundaries, right? 247 00:13:10,679 --> 00:13:16,199 Speaker 1: Have you all practice setting boundaries? Are you all fami boundaries? 248 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:20,000 Speaker 3: And sometimes it feels weird, like because I'm just that 249 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,319 Speaker 3: person that's more so like, oh, I'll go with the flow, 250 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:25,640 Speaker 3: like hmm, it's okay. But I realized that I had 251 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:28,880 Speaker 3: to stand up for myself because one, we're our own advocates, right, 252 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:30,760 Speaker 3: So if we don't say it for ourselves, how can 253 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,120 Speaker 3: we expect someone else to? And then those like one 254 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:37,640 Speaker 3: on one intimate relationships, you're you're up to that for yourself, right, 255 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,240 Speaker 3: That other person has may have their own interests, they 256 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,400 Speaker 3: may have their own agenda. And so I realized that 257 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,640 Speaker 3: I really, as silly as it may have sound, someone 258 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:47,120 Speaker 3: else may have said, it's okay if someone calls me ugly, 259 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,679 Speaker 3: like I know, I'm not, I don't care. Well, I 260 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:51,400 Speaker 3: was struggling with some low self esteem and confidence issues 261 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:54,040 Speaker 3: and so calling me that is gonna now make me 262 00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,080 Speaker 3: repeat those things to myself when I'm by myself. So 263 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:59,359 Speaker 3: I was like, I can't have any negative, you know, influences, 264 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,320 Speaker 3: because I could do that all by myself because I'm 265 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,839 Speaker 3: so good at it. Okay, like I'm a pro. I'm 266 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:05,920 Speaker 3: a pro. Leave me in a room by myself, and 267 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,360 Speaker 3: I will tear myself apart. So it's like, I don't 268 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,640 Speaker 3: need your help. And so I set that boundary with 269 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:13,160 Speaker 3: him ended up not talking to him again, but it 270 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:16,600 Speaker 3: just made me realize that our voice is so powerful. 271 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,680 Speaker 3: And one of the things that this other guy had 272 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:22,400 Speaker 3: said to me one day was I approached him about 273 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:23,960 Speaker 3: something he said and he said to me something that 274 00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:25,640 Speaker 3: was so powerful that I mentioned in one of our 275 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:28,080 Speaker 3: other episodes, and he said, oh, I never knew that 276 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,400 Speaker 3: that hurts your feelings. You never said anything, and you 277 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:32,920 Speaker 3: just like you let me do it. So I forgured 278 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:36,440 Speaker 3: it was okay, and I was like, light bulb, the 279 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:39,880 Speaker 3: world does what we allow them to do, and what 280 00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:43,320 Speaker 3: we allow will continue. I was like, I had all 281 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:44,920 Speaker 3: this power and didn't even realize it. 282 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:54,960 Speaker 1: When you all hear that, are there times that you 283 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:59,000 Speaker 1: can think of where either you set some boundaries for 284 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:06,640 Speaker 1: yourself or someone said something that really resonated with you, 285 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:10,320 Speaker 1: that really caused a mind shift in terms of how 286 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:13,920 Speaker 1: you interact, specifically with dating and relationships. 287 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:18,880 Speaker 3: Give me a mm hmm if that works. If you've experienced. 288 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:28,360 Speaker 1: That, all right, So not so many ms so to me, 289 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:32,360 Speaker 1: I hear that as that might be something that we 290 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:40,560 Speaker 1: struggle with, right, all right, And so the boundary setting 291 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:46,160 Speaker 1: can definitely be a hard thing to do, but it 292 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:50,240 Speaker 1: only takes a little bit of practice. And so one 293 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,760 Speaker 1: of the tips we want to give you all is 294 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:57,360 Speaker 1: that boundary setting is important and everything that you do 295 00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:02,800 Speaker 1: within navigating relationships, it only takes a baby step and 296 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:11,160 Speaker 1: that practice makes permanent, not perfect, but permanent, and so 297 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:16,400 Speaker 1: the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. If 298 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:20,200 Speaker 1: we think about like riding a bike, right when you 299 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:24,560 Speaker 1: first started riding a bike, were you good at. 300 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:25,920 Speaker 6: Mmm? 301 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:30,840 Speaker 1: Nobody? I know, I sure wasn't. Or how about driving 302 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:35,160 Speaker 1: a car? First time you got behind the wheels, did 303 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:39,000 Speaker 1: you know what you were doing? I remember I scared 304 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,760 Speaker 1: my mom the first time I got behind the car 305 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,800 Speaker 1: with her because I went over this parking speed bump 306 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:46,080 Speaker 1: thing and she just knew we were. 307 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:46,640 Speaker 3: About to crash. 308 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,680 Speaker 1: I was scared too, like I just I justn't know 309 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,640 Speaker 1: that was it and I was never going to be 310 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:53,400 Speaker 1: able to drive again. 311 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:57,560 Speaker 3: A couple of decades later. 312 00:16:58,920 --> 00:16:59,560 Speaker 6: I'm driving. 313 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:05,200 Speaker 1: And so that shows that like even if the first 314 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:07,679 Speaker 1: couple of go rounds, it doesn't go as well as 315 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:13,520 Speaker 1: you want it to you keep trying, and the more 316 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:16,880 Speaker 1: you try, the easier it becomes, and the better you'll 317 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:20,840 Speaker 1: be at it. And so when it comes to dating overall, 318 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:25,240 Speaker 1: that is one big lesson is that if it doesn't 319 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:30,920 Speaker 1: work in that one relationship, it's okay to try it again. 320 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:32,040 Speaker 3: Within the next. 321 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:39,320 Speaker 1: Relationship it could be an issue of compatibility. And so 322 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,040 Speaker 1: real quickly, because I want to be mindful of our 323 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:44,320 Speaker 1: time to give you all space to kind of ask 324 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:49,720 Speaker 1: us the questions that you all filled out tea, can 325 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:54,240 Speaker 1: you share with us a story of how you after 326 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,280 Speaker 1: you've learned how to use your voice, you've been in 327 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:59,440 Speaker 1: that toxic relationship, then you got to the relationship where 328 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:02,000 Speaker 1: you actually used your voice and it didn't quite work out. 329 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:05,200 Speaker 1: Can you talk to us about like what it means 330 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:09,560 Speaker 1: to be a woman now in a relationship, because by 331 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:15,280 Speaker 1: the way, she is married and so that's crazy. Yeah, yeah, 332 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:19,520 Speaker 1: that's another crazy one. But what it means to be 333 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,480 Speaker 1: in a healthy marriage. 334 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,119 Speaker 3: Yes, what I'll say first is my husband and I 335 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,320 Speaker 3: we have a lot of conversation and I don't have 336 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:29,040 Speaker 3: If he was here right now, he'd be like, y'all, 337 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,400 Speaker 3: she don't have a problem speaking of herself because I 338 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,880 Speaker 3: I just I got to that place where I advocate 339 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,840 Speaker 3: for my own needs even in a marriage, because even 340 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:38,000 Speaker 3: in you know, even when you're married, your your partner, 341 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,280 Speaker 3: they'll have their own agenda and they'll have things that 342 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,320 Speaker 3: they want. And it's funny. My husband and I were 343 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,760 Speaker 3: last night. We were talking about the noise level in 344 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,480 Speaker 3: our house. So we have a loft and so he 345 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,760 Speaker 3: likes it very loud. I like it quiet, and so 346 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,679 Speaker 3: we were having a conversation because I'm an introvert, he's 347 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:54,080 Speaker 3: an extrovert. So it's like, Lord, how did this come together? 348 00:18:54,119 --> 00:18:56,960 Speaker 3: But we're like, we're really compatible. So we were talking about, Okay, 349 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,720 Speaker 3: well maybe I need sound like an hour of quiet 350 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,919 Speaker 3: time because the noise that just I can't do that 351 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,000 Speaker 3: all the time. So just being able to communicate about 352 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,720 Speaker 3: those things. And so one thing we don't buy into 353 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:11,200 Speaker 3: is like the stereotypical societal gender roles. And I know 354 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,439 Speaker 3: when we got married, my family they expect me to 355 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:16,000 Speaker 3: be like the woman that my mom and grandmother were. 356 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,119 Speaker 3: Works like, you stay at home, you cook and do this, 357 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,400 Speaker 3: But I speak and travel and do all these things. 358 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,720 Speaker 3: So sometimes dinner is not gonna be on the table 359 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,600 Speaker 3: at this time. But he knows how to cook and 360 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,800 Speaker 3: we have our balance, and so he might do laundry. 361 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,639 Speaker 3: I might clean the toilets and like I don't know, 362 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,720 Speaker 3: cook the food and held the dishes, like we have 363 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,560 Speaker 3: what works for us. And so I think it's so 364 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,880 Speaker 3: important to realize that whatever works for you and your partner. 365 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,320 Speaker 3: Of course, if no one's getting hurt, no one's being abused, Like, 366 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,760 Speaker 3: whatever works for you and your partner, it works for you. 367 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,159 Speaker 3: It ain't nothing nobody else's business on who does what 368 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:45,800 Speaker 3: in the household. If it works for you and you're 369 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,000 Speaker 3: both comfortable with it, it is what it is, you 370 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,680 Speaker 3: know what I mean. And so I feel like for me, 371 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:52,240 Speaker 3: I've had to even check my family sometimes and they're like, 372 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,880 Speaker 3: what you making for dinner tonight? Oh, I'm not doing dinner. 373 00:19:54,880 --> 00:20:01,280 Speaker 3: I'm like at the speaking engagement. Oh yep, take it out. 374 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,080 Speaker 3: And so it's important to realize. 375 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:06,560 Speaker 1: That, and I think that's an important thing of recognizing 376 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,240 Speaker 1: that what works for you is gonna work for you, 377 00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:13,960 Speaker 1: and that boundary setting that you're practicing in all your 378 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,960 Speaker 1: relationships because you're able to tell your family, this is 379 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:22,320 Speaker 1: my relationship, this is how my partner and I navigate 380 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:26,360 Speaker 1: our relationship, and so being able to set that boundary 381 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,600 Speaker 1: with friends and family as well and assert yourself and 382 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:33,520 Speaker 1: let them know that as long as you're safe, as 383 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:37,320 Speaker 1: long as both you and your partner are safe, what 384 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:40,560 Speaker 1: happens in your relationship is between the two of you. 385 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:48,080 Speaker 1: And the big lesson is that there are no rules 386 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:53,960 Speaker 1: when it comes to dating. How you interact with one 387 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:58,800 Speaker 1: partner is going to be different than how you interact 388 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:04,320 Speaker 1: with the next partner because that partner is different. And 389 00:21:04,359 --> 00:21:07,159 Speaker 1: hopefully there are some lessons and things that you have 390 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:11,879 Speaker 1: learned or that you've been through, good and bad, that 391 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,080 Speaker 1: you're bringing. 392 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,720 Speaker 3: Into the next relationship. 393 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,600 Speaker 1: And so it can't be expected that you're going to 394 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:24,680 Speaker 1: follow a set of rules. So again that big key 395 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:29,800 Speaker 1: is that there are no rules. Some of the things 396 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:35,560 Speaker 1: that may have worked for your parents, or your grandparents 397 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:42,680 Speaker 1: or even your siblings might not work for you, and 398 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:48,360 Speaker 1: that is perfectly okay. 399 00:21:48,359 --> 00:21:50,240 Speaker 3: Can I piggyback off for you too? And when it 400 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:52,240 Speaker 3: comes to like speaking of our relationships, one thing I 401 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:54,560 Speaker 3: did I begin to practice in other areas, Like Don 402 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,800 Speaker 3: was saying so at the nail shop, when the ladies 403 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,600 Speaker 3: do on my nail and like she gets the side 404 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,200 Speaker 3: of my skin. Usually I'm like, oh, I'm I'm just 405 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,440 Speaker 3: going to be quiet and liberal to no excuse me 406 00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:05,000 Speaker 3: that hurt like you just hurt my little things like that. 407 00:22:05,119 --> 00:22:06,960 Speaker 3: Or if you're in the lift and the windows are 408 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:09,440 Speaker 3: up and you're like, I'm actually a little hot in here, 409 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,040 Speaker 3: and I don't want to be that person, No excuse me? 410 00:22:11,119 --> 00:22:13,080 Speaker 3: Can you rote down the window or like something? Speak 411 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,000 Speaker 3: up in those little instances and you'll be able to 412 00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:16,840 Speaker 3: do it in a relationship. And I also want to 413 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:18,960 Speaker 3: put it out there that you're valuable. You don't have 414 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,119 Speaker 3: to put up with anything that does not make you 415 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,520 Speaker 3: feel good. So if you're ever in a situation where 416 00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:26,800 Speaker 3: someone is making you feel less than worthy, or less 417 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:30,400 Speaker 3: than beautiful, or less than how you should feel, that 418 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,120 Speaker 3: is not okay. And so I just want to put 419 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:32,680 Speaker 3: that out there. 420 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:38,680 Speaker 1: And so now it's time for questions from you all. 421 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,000 Speaker 1: And so I know some of you all had a 422 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:42,840 Speaker 1: chance to kind of write down a couple of things. 423 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,399 Speaker 1: So if you can kind of pass those things this. 424 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:53,040 Speaker 3: Way, read them a non inous sleep. When it's a 425 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:57,200 Speaker 3: good time to have a defining the relationship conversation. If 426 00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:01,600 Speaker 3: you haven't had the DTR defining the relationship combo? Is 427 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:05,320 Speaker 3: it best to assume non exclusivity? How should you talk 428 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:09,960 Speaker 3: about seeing multiple people simultaneously? I e edating. Ooh, that's 429 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:10,560 Speaker 3: a good question. 430 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:11,800 Speaker 1: That is a good one. 431 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:17,040 Speaker 3: H This is interesting because when I hear this question 432 00:23:17,119 --> 00:23:20,480 Speaker 3: makes me think about my experiences and relationships. And I 433 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:24,200 Speaker 3: feel like I have typically been that person that has 434 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:28,280 Speaker 3: trouble with defining because I felt like I was a 435 00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:31,080 Speaker 3: title freakd Like I got freaked out by titles. So 436 00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:33,320 Speaker 3: I want to know what you do. You have a 437 00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:34,120 Speaker 3: perspective on that. 438 00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:39,320 Speaker 1: Getting caught up in the titles can be a hard 439 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,920 Speaker 1: thing for us to let go of, right and So, 440 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:47,520 Speaker 1: and I know for myself that at times different points 441 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,399 Speaker 1: in my life, I've also struggled with that. Right So, 442 00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:54,639 Speaker 1: even as a psychologist, I have my own stuff that 443 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:57,199 Speaker 1: I have to work through, right and So one of 444 00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:01,600 Speaker 1: the things that I think about in terms of titles 445 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:05,720 Speaker 1: and exclusivity, it's about communication. 446 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:07,320 Speaker 3: That's the biggest key. 447 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:13,960 Speaker 1: It's about having the conversation and having a conversation when 448 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:15,600 Speaker 1: it feels right for you. 449 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:18,640 Speaker 3: So, you know, how we said there. 450 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:21,639 Speaker 1: Are no rules, so there really is no cut and 451 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:26,600 Speaker 1: dry answer on at this specific point in the relationship. 452 00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:31,639 Speaker 1: This is when you need to have the conversation. You 453 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:37,560 Speaker 1: may be dating one person and then you all are 454 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,760 Speaker 1: in a space where you're really feeling each other, like 455 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:45,639 Speaker 1: you're really vibing, and maybe you want to be exclusive. 456 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:51,800 Speaker 1: If that's the case, have that conversation. And if they 457 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:55,360 Speaker 1: don't have if they're not in that space, know that 458 00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:59,040 Speaker 1: that's okay, and it may hurt. 459 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:07,440 Speaker 3: Not mad, it probably will hurt. That's our ego involved, right, but. 460 00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:15,040 Speaker 1: We know what the deal is and we can adjust 461 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:18,679 Speaker 1: our behaviors to match what's really happening. So that person 462 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:22,119 Speaker 1: is saying no, they don't want to be exclusive, so 463 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,439 Speaker 1: that means chances are their behavior is going to reflect 464 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:30,120 Speaker 1: that they don't want to be exclusive. If you were 465 00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:34,080 Speaker 1: looking to be exclusive, maybe this might not be the 466 00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:35,480 Speaker 1: person to be with after. 467 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:38,760 Speaker 3: All, exactly. And to speak into this last part of 468 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,680 Speaker 3: the question, I want to talk about like the friends 469 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:44,320 Speaker 3: with benefit situation, because I think there's for women in particular, 470 00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:47,200 Speaker 3: there's a lot of shame around that where it's like, oh, well, 471 00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,440 Speaker 3: first everyone doesn't have to know your business, that's number one. 472 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:51,800 Speaker 3: And after I got out of this crazy toxic relationship. 473 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,040 Speaker 3: I had a friends with benefits and I never would 474 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:55,520 Speaker 3: have said anything at that point in my life. But 475 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,480 Speaker 3: I'm at this place now where obviously I'm married, I 476 00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,760 Speaker 3: don't have any friends with benefits. I guess my husband 477 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:04,040 Speaker 3: will be not from a benefit del hunt. Yeah. But 478 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:06,600 Speaker 3: I feel like as women we need to like embrace 479 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:09,119 Speaker 3: what we really want. And sometimes if you have like 480 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,399 Speaker 3: if there's someone in your life's special and it's a 481 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:13,440 Speaker 3: man or a woman and you just literally want them, 482 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,160 Speaker 3: like to be with them for in one capacity, it's 483 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,240 Speaker 3: okay to be able to express that, Like, don't make 484 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:21,480 Speaker 3: anyone shame you or feel bad because you want this 485 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,600 Speaker 3: kind of relationship, but they may not want it. Like 486 00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:26,600 Speaker 3: it is what it is. We're all human beings. How 487 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:29,440 Speaker 3: we think we got here? Like right, right, you know 488 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:29,800 Speaker 3: what I mean. 489 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:36,080 Speaker 1: It's about owning it and being being safe, but owning 490 00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:41,480 Speaker 1: it right and say and communicating, Yeah, if that's the 491 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:44,800 Speaker 1: person that you there's a person that you only want 492 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:50,960 Speaker 1: to be around them for sex, communicate that and give 493 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:53,280 Speaker 1: that person the opportunity to make the decision. Is that 494 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:57,560 Speaker 1: what they want from you as well? Communication is the 495 00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:02,960 Speaker 1: big key, that's the important underlying factor in all relationships. 496 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:07,160 Speaker 3: It's communication, right, what's her next question? 497 00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:14,840 Speaker 1: Let's see all right, so we kind of talk touched 498 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:15,840 Speaker 1: on the communication. 499 00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:24,520 Speaker 6: MM. 500 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:29,440 Speaker 1: Okay, I'm someone who wants everyone to like me right away. 501 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,320 Speaker 1: In order to do this, I hide my true self 502 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:37,600 Speaker 1: when I'm first meeting people. If I see if I'm 503 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:42,560 Speaker 1: seeing someone, and I start revealing my my true self later, 504 00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:45,480 Speaker 1: is that bad foundation for a relationship? 505 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:48,560 Speaker 3: Is it like lying? So someone wrote my life story 506 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:53,399 Speaker 3: on the car? Okay, happened? That's my spirit? 507 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:54,879 Speaker 1: You felt that you identifying? 508 00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,280 Speaker 3: Did you identify with that little bit? 509 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:05,240 Speaker 1: So when I think back to some of my early relationships, 510 00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:09,680 Speaker 1: I would always go out on dates, and the thing 511 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,840 Speaker 1: that was put out there was you have to put 512 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:15,640 Speaker 1: your best foot forward. You have to you know, make 513 00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:19,000 Speaker 1: a good first impression. And then I would always get 514 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:22,600 Speaker 1: little feedback on other things that, well, don't let don't 515 00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:24,800 Speaker 1: let him know that you like this, don't let him 516 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,160 Speaker 1: know that you do this, and all these things about 517 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:33,040 Speaker 1: what not to do. And I realized and Chris Rock 518 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,480 Speaker 1: talks about it in one of his comedy sketches about 519 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:39,000 Speaker 1: like sending your representative right when you're on a date, 520 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:42,520 Speaker 1: when you're first getting to know someone that you send 521 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,160 Speaker 1: this representative and it's not a reflection of who you 522 00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:49,840 Speaker 1: really are. So what you're doing is you're creating a falsehood. 523 00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:55,720 Speaker 1: You're setting up a relationship on something that's not real. 524 00:28:56,800 --> 00:29:00,800 Speaker 1: You're setting it up so that this person potentially could 525 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:04,400 Speaker 1: be falling in love with, or at least initially like 526 00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:11,120 Speaker 1: with something that's not really you. And then once you 527 00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:15,720 Speaker 1: reveal your true self, then that person gets upset and 528 00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:19,760 Speaker 1: they're like, who this? This is not what I signed 529 00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:24,120 Speaker 1: up for, and then that causes all kinds of issues, right, 530 00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:31,160 Speaker 1: and so the healthier thing to do and often the 531 00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:35,239 Speaker 1: scarier thing to do, because if we're honest about it, 532 00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:39,480 Speaker 1: sometimes being healthy means doing something that doesn't feel comfortable 533 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:44,200 Speaker 1: initially but in the long run will feel better, will 534 00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:47,520 Speaker 1: be better off for it is. 535 00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:49,720 Speaker 3: To be your true self. 536 00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:56,840 Speaker 1: So if you don't like getting up at six in 537 00:29:56,880 --> 00:30:02,400 Speaker 1: the morning to have this big, elaborate breakfast and that's 538 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:09,680 Speaker 1: what your partner likes, then say that. If your partner 539 00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:14,240 Speaker 1: likes to go out and party Thursday through Sunday night, 540 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:18,200 Speaker 1: and you're like, I got class, I have things that 541 00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:20,720 Speaker 1: I need to be studying for, I have work that 542 00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:23,200 Speaker 1: I need to be doing I can't party every night, 543 00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:28,200 Speaker 1: and I just don't like to party every night. I 544 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:33,920 Speaker 1: would be much more comfortable netflix and chill. If that's 545 00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:37,400 Speaker 1: what you want, If that's who you are, say that 546 00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:42,840 Speaker 1: from the beginning, put your true self out there from 547 00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:48,000 Speaker 1: the beginning, to give that other person a fair chance 548 00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:54,440 Speaker 1: to get to know the real you and for you 549 00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:55,600 Speaker 1: to get to know the real them. 550 00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:58,200 Speaker 3: And one thing I would add on to that is, 551 00:30:58,240 --> 00:30:59,800 Speaker 3: like there was a piece in the beginning of that 552 00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:02,840 Speaker 3: about I want people to like me, and that's something 553 00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:04,880 Speaker 3: I struggle with like all my life, and I'm still 554 00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:07,280 Speaker 3: working with my coaches on a certain aspect of that, 555 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:09,800 Speaker 3: even though I've evolved and like come to a different place, 556 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:11,880 Speaker 3: but that stims. I want you to think about where 557 00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:14,920 Speaker 3: that came from in your life. For me being abused 558 00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:17,600 Speaker 3: as a child and wanting my mom's attention because she 559 00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:20,320 Speaker 3: was abusive, Like wanting her attention and wanting her like 560 00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:22,000 Speaker 3: to be a good girl in her eyes, and wanting 561 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:25,280 Speaker 3: to be light came from then and travel with me 562 00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:28,240 Speaker 3: all through like, because you'll notice, as if we continue 563 00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:30,920 Speaker 3: to evolve, that our childhood never really leaves. It's still 564 00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:33,520 Speaker 3: there and has a lot of symptoms, you know. And 565 00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:35,200 Speaker 3: so for me, what I learned is that I have 566 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:37,280 Speaker 3: to spend time with me liking me and so as 567 00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:40,160 Speaker 3: quirky and weird and cheesy as corny as I am. 568 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:42,480 Speaker 3: When I spent those two years in grad school dating 569 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:44,800 Speaker 3: myself and like getting clear on who I was and 570 00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:46,840 Speaker 3: standing firm and okay, this is who I am and 571 00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:49,680 Speaker 3: it's okay. And if someone doesn't like that, that's okay. 572 00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:51,160 Speaker 3: I still want to be like like, I want you 573 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:52,560 Speaker 3: all to like me. I do want to be liked, 574 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:54,600 Speaker 3: but I don't want you to like me more than 575 00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:56,800 Speaker 3: I like myself. And I think getting to that place 576 00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:58,680 Speaker 3: is going to be key for you so that you 577 00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:01,560 Speaker 3: can feel comfortable showing me more fully in that relationship. 578 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:15,200 Speaker 3: Another one more okay? Okay. When the relationship or person 579 00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:17,520 Speaker 3: is no longer serving you and the person is not 580 00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:20,120 Speaker 3: all bad and want to and you want to keep 581 00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:22,640 Speaker 3: them around, what should you say to that keep them 582 00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:24,880 Speaker 3: around or move on and let them go? Why is 583 00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:27,040 Speaker 3: it hard to see or accept why some things are 584 00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:30,360 Speaker 3: not okay? Okay? So let's talk about the first part first. 585 00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:32,440 Speaker 3: When a relationship is no longer bad, so it's like 586 00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:34,240 Speaker 3: it's not bad to the point where I don't want 587 00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:36,200 Speaker 3: you in my life at all, but like I still 588 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:38,240 Speaker 3: like you to be my friend, but just not in 589 00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:41,560 Speaker 3: a relationship with me. That is possible. It can be 590 00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:44,640 Speaker 3: tricky because sometimes folks, and that was the situation with me, 591 00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:46,560 Speaker 3: like I wanted to be friends with some people don't 592 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:49,800 Speaker 3: know how to have those clear boundaries right after a relationship, 593 00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:52,280 Speaker 3: and so I think sometimes you might need some time 594 00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:54,760 Speaker 3: and space. But when I learned, like if I look 595 00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:57,280 Speaker 3: back on relationships, I needed to be a lot more honest. 596 00:32:57,320 --> 00:32:59,320 Speaker 3: There were times when I put up with stuff. We 597 00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:03,840 Speaker 3: can cuss in your enough, when I put up with shit. Okay, 598 00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:05,360 Speaker 3: I put up with shit, and I didn't I didn't 599 00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:06,800 Speaker 3: want you. I said yes when I don't want to 600 00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:09,120 Speaker 3: say is. I am so like over that kind of 601 00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:11,400 Speaker 3: thing in my life. And I think just just walking 602 00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:13,800 Speaker 3: in that power a bit more so, just having an 603 00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:16,600 Speaker 3: honest conversation with someone they may get mad, be gentle 604 00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:18,680 Speaker 3: with their feelings, right because they're human beings as well, 605 00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:20,880 Speaker 3: but having a simple conversation and just saying like, hey, 606 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,040 Speaker 3: I want to check in about our relationship. This is 607 00:33:23,080 --> 00:33:25,000 Speaker 3: what's coming up for me. I know it might be 608 00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:27,800 Speaker 3: difficult for you to hear this. I still value you 609 00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:29,440 Speaker 3: as a person. I want you in my life, but 610 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:32,000 Speaker 3: I don't think this relationship is serving me and the 611 00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:35,040 Speaker 3: way that I you know, it once did. If they 612 00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:37,240 Speaker 3: can't take an honest answer, and you not like beating 613 00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:39,240 Speaker 3: around the bullsh you're just being an upfront human being 614 00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:41,320 Speaker 3: with them. If they can't take that, it says a 615 00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:44,160 Speaker 3: lot about who they are. They may be hurt and 616 00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:46,080 Speaker 3: they may come back around later, but I think that 617 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:48,360 Speaker 3: just being true to yourself and being honest as soon 618 00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:51,040 Speaker 3: as you can, because life is too precious. Life is 619 00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:54,360 Speaker 3: not promised, and it's too short to be spending time 620 00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:55,960 Speaker 3: in a place where you don't want to be right, 621 00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:58,040 Speaker 3: I don't want to addnything. 622 00:33:57,680 --> 00:34:00,280 Speaker 1: There, so real quick. What I want to say say 623 00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:05,480 Speaker 1: to that is recognizing that that person once you communicate 624 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:08,799 Speaker 1: your needs, because like we said, setting your boundaries in 625 00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:13,520 Speaker 1: communication is important. Once you say that you're not really 626 00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:19,760 Speaker 1: interested anymore, they may be upset and they may decide nope, 627 00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:24,200 Speaker 1: not doing this. They want you completely out. And so 628 00:34:24,280 --> 00:34:26,279 Speaker 1: the thing is is that it goes back to what 629 00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:31,280 Speaker 1: we were saying in the beginning about having those mutual conversations, 630 00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:36,279 Speaker 1: mutual agreements. So, if you're wanting one thing and they're 631 00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:39,280 Speaker 1: wanting something different, what is going to be the best 632 00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:42,719 Speaker 1: option for both of you? And in that moment, in 633 00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:45,560 Speaker 1: that situation, what may be best for both of you 634 00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:48,879 Speaker 1: is for you all to no longer be in communication, 635 00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:52,280 Speaker 1: for you all to no longer interact with one another. 636 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:54,880 Speaker 1: And so then the healthy thing is to have a 637 00:34:54,920 --> 00:35:02,080 Speaker 1: conversation about how can we begin this separation. Does it 638 00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:06,200 Speaker 1: mean that if I see you on campus, or I 639 00:35:06,239 --> 00:35:08,799 Speaker 1: see you around the office, or I see you in 640 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:12,399 Speaker 1: the streets, what am I gonna do when I run 641 00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:15,200 Speaker 1: into you? How what are you gonna do when you 642 00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:19,680 Speaker 1: run when you see me? It's not always an easy 643 00:35:19,719 --> 00:35:23,279 Speaker 1: conversation to have, but it's still an important one. And so, 644 00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:25,920 Speaker 1: recognizing that we're kind of at the end of our 645 00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:29,320 Speaker 1: time for today, I just want to thank you ladies 646 00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:35,239 Speaker 1: for sharing your questions and agreeing to kind of sit 647 00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:36,759 Speaker 1: in her space with us. 648 00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:39,319 Speaker 3: Terry, do you have anything you want to kind of 649 00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:42,000 Speaker 3: leave us with? I just want to leave you with one. 650 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:45,520 Speaker 3: Her space as an acronym for healing, empowerment, resilience, and 651 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:48,040 Speaker 3: so if you ever need a dose of motivation inspiration, 652 00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:51,879 Speaker 3: you could definitely check out the podcast her spacepodcast dot com. 653 00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:55,200 Speaker 3: We go into some very like real topics, you know. 654 00:35:55,239 --> 00:35:59,719 Speaker 3: We talk about procrastination, time management, toxic relationships, adulting, and 655 00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:00,480 Speaker 3: all the good thing. 656 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:11,920 Speaker 5: Thank you so much, ladies, thank you. 657 00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:11,720 Speaker 6: Thank you, thanks for joining us today in her Space. 658 00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:17,200 Speaker 6: Please note that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice, 659 00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:20,680 Speaker 6: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no 660 00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:23,840 Speaker 6: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal 661 00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:28,120 Speaker 6: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you or 662 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:30,720 Speaker 6: someone you know is in need of mental health care, 663 00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:35,000 Speaker 6: please visit the Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today 664 00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:37,680 Speaker 6: or contact your insurance provider. 665 00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:40,960 Speaker 7: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 666 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:45,759 Speaker 7: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and 667 00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:51,640 Speaker 7: Twitter at her space podcast, or check out our website 668 00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:56,480 Speaker 7: at herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat 669 00:36:56,560 --> 00:37:00,839 Speaker 7: after me, I am not defined by where I come 670 00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:05,200 Speaker 7: from or what happened to me. I get to create 671 00:37:05,520 --> 00:37:07,600 Speaker 7: my own destiny. 672 00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:14,160 Speaker 6: Thanks for joining us. We'll see you next week, lady