Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast.
Speaker 2: Hy ladies, Hi, Hi, how are we?
Speaker 3: We're good? How are you? I'm good?
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 2: Oh no, no, no, I'm good. I've just been like
Speaker 2: it's been one of those where I I'm trying to
Speaker 2: figure out what to do. Uh.
Speaker 3: That's actually the story of my life right now, just
Speaker 3: that trying to figure out what to do.
Speaker 2: It's it's just hard because I we don't have so
Speaker 2: we remember we were having like we had part time
Speaker 2: uh sitter where she would come two to three times
Speaker 2: a week. Today is her last day, and I'm still
Speaker 2: at that place where I'm like, I don't it's it's
Speaker 2: it's really hard because we went to go see the daycare,
Speaker 2: which I then talked to McKenzie and she's like, no,
Speaker 2: they left right they're going.
Speaker 1: To she said, I think, well, I think the other
Speaker 1: one did already you just talked about the other day.
Speaker 2: Said it's changed a lot, and and and then you know,
Speaker 2: I don't think he's ready for one nap because I
Speaker 2: mean he's he's not even one yet, and that's when
Speaker 2: they go to one. I'm like, he can barely make
Speaker 2: it to nine thirty like you're just trying to stretch
Speaker 2: him to three hours, Like, no way, that kid's getting
Speaker 2: to five. Yeah, and I'm not ready to drop them, yeah,
Speaker 2: but trying to find part time work is difficult. And
Speaker 2: then you know, with my work and my very up
Speaker 2: and down schedule, it's like and then the nannies now
Speaker 2: are just so expensive, and I'm like, I'm having a
Speaker 2: really hard time with what I would pay for a nanny,
Speaker 2: and then knowing that I pay child support and so
Speaker 2: my I'm getting like that angry feeling again with my
Speaker 2: ex where it's like I have like that resentment boiling
Speaker 2: up again, where I'm like, you have them eight days
Speaker 2: a month, eight to ten days a month, and I
Speaker 2: have to pay X amount of money to you. It's
Speaker 2: it's and I got to pay, and like I know,
Speaker 2: he's like in his defense, he'd be like, well, I
Speaker 2: didn't tell you to have another baby, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean. But also like it's still just like I
Speaker 2: don't know, I have like that like anger piece of
Speaker 2: me that i'm and then I'm trying to figure out, well,
Speaker 2: maybe I'll just be a stay at home mom and
Speaker 2: like you know, but then I'll like, no baby you
Speaker 2: have you're gonna have to like find something, and like
Speaker 2: his job stuff up is up in the air, and
Speaker 2: then you know, then I'm like, I'll just I'll just
Speaker 2: I just got this. I got this until the end
Speaker 2: of the year, right, And so I come up with that,
Speaker 2: I'm like, at least I'm just gonna get to them.
Speaker 2: So I felt really confident in that where I'm like,
Speaker 2: it's the end of like the season. Not many things
Speaker 2: come up, you know, So I'm like, we're gonna be fine.
Speaker 2: It's like we'll we'll reassess like both of our stuff
Speaker 2: and what's happening. Because I got a movie offer for
Speaker 2: the next year, so I'm like, that's next year. It's
Speaker 2: either March April May, like they're they're not sure yet.
Speaker 2: So I'm like, I we've got some time to breathe.
Speaker 2: Let me just like enjoy these last few months and
Speaker 2: like just you know, all of us and being little
Speaker 2: and and then Alex calls me yesterday. She's like, hey,
Speaker 2: are you available to a movie for three three weeks
Speaker 2: in November. And I was like, yeah, yes, I know,
Speaker 2: but but then also I'm but then you know, she
Speaker 2: hasn't called me back. I'm like She's just like it's
Speaker 2: like that, like U, I'm like, well, I don't, and
Speaker 2: this is exactly why I feel like I need to
Speaker 2: pay someone to be available and they have.
Speaker 1: And it's hate to say it what we had to do.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's your world where you just don't know.
Speaker 2: But it's just painful to know how much I'd be
Speaker 2: paying out for childcare.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I understand that, and.
Speaker 2: Then I just get angry but all I had to do.
Speaker 2: But this is very interesting because there's a piece of
Speaker 2: something that came up in therapy. So this episode is obviously,
Speaker 2: well not obviously, no one knows. This month is Domestic
Speaker 2: Violence Awareness Month and we have a survivor that's coming
Speaker 2: on the show to talk about DV. But it was
Speaker 2: interesting because something from this situation like brought up something
Speaker 2: from the past of one of my past abusers feeling
Speaker 2: like trapped and held down. And it's crazy how even
Speaker 2: things from our past can come in. I know that's
Speaker 2: kind of like a sidebar moment, but anyways, but I
Speaker 2: can't really say how and who it's connected with, but
Speaker 2: it all just kind of brings up that like tense
Speaker 2: feeling of just like not being able to breathe. Yeah, well,
Speaker 2: and I think I don't know if that makes sense.
Speaker 3: No, it does, and I'm curious.
Speaker 1: I understand why you're connecting the two, but also, do
Speaker 1: you think you're able to separate those in your mind
Speaker 1: a little bit? The child support and child care? I mean,
Speaker 1: you see what I'm saying. I feel like that would
Speaker 1: help you mentally.
Speaker 2: Fair we can discuss why the piece.
Speaker 1: Got it understood because I think it just feels like it,
Speaker 1: knowing only what you just said, it feels like it
Speaker 1: would be helpful to be able to separate that piece
Speaker 1: because they don't go hand in hand.
Speaker 2: No, and less, there's more to the story, but I.
Speaker 1: Understand it. I just feel like it would be helpful
Speaker 1: if it was able to.
Speaker 3: You know, we moved a full time because for eight
Speaker 3: years I tried to do the oh, I'll just have
Speaker 3: someone on Wednesdays when I do a podcast or what
Speaker 3: and it's so exhaust and if it does change, you're
Speaker 3: just screwed. So I told Preston, like, you know, I
Speaker 3: that's why we're really lucky because we have a utility player,
Speaker 3: like she's helping me grow the brand's publishing the podcast,
Speaker 3: she's doing all the things I'm very, very lucky. It's
Speaker 3: still a ton of money. Like, it's a lot of money.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, nanny's are starting at thirty Like I have
Speaker 2: another interview today at two thirty after this, and it's
Speaker 2: her starting points thirty dollars an hour for forty hour guarantee.
Speaker 3: And I'm just like, yeah, like, but there is a flexibility,
Speaker 3: I'll say, like even here, you know, like if we
Speaker 3: change a time, I'm like, I got it, or I
Speaker 3: can do it, like because if you do part time,
Speaker 3: you're just piecing it together. And I would say peace
Speaker 3: of mind comes with its own price tag fty one.
Speaker 3: But we're doing it.
Speaker 1: But also it seems god, because I remember this so vividly,
Speaker 1: it seems like such, it's really not that long of
Speaker 1: a time.
Speaker 3: No, it's not, you know what I mean. I look
Speaker 3: and look, it's like five years.
Speaker 1: Look at how much money I spent in those years
Speaker 1: on childcare because I mean I worked in an office.
Speaker 1: I always had to pay somebody. Now it's got a
Speaker 1: little bit more expensive. But I had a full time
Speaker 1: nanny when Ramsey was born and my other kid was born.
Speaker 3: I mean, it was it was a lot.
Speaker 1: Yeah, But now I'm like, man does the rest of
Speaker 1: the years, Like I don't have to pay for that anymore.
Speaker 1: Like it really is kind of short lived too. In
Speaker 1: the middle of it, it feels very but if you
Speaker 1: can kind of look at it long term, like it
Speaker 1: really is only kind of a short period of time,
Speaker 1: and eventually he will probably go to school, a kind
Speaker 1: of school before he even goes to.
Speaker 3: School, so really it might not even be really four
Speaker 3: years right at the most. Yeah, and if you dwindle
Speaker 3: it down, it's really not that much.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's interesting. I'm going to get for this, but
Speaker 2: I'll stand behind it. When we were doing the EMDR
Speaker 2: on the child, because I'm like, I don't want to
Speaker 2: be angry. I like where my ex and I are at,
Speaker 2: where we're able to have where I can truly separate
Speaker 2: my ex marriage feelings with him and how I felt
Speaker 2: with him in that relationship. And this is the only
Speaker 2: piece that like, I have any sort of anger or
Speaker 2: resentment or frustration with because I felt like he took
Speaker 2: so much during our marriage that I'm like, and you're
Speaker 2: still taking sure. I understand why. I understand the legal thing.
Speaker 2: I understand this is helping him pay for his place
Speaker 2: for the kids and the kids need a place as well.
Speaker 3: But I also know, yeah, so.
Speaker 2: That that piece is just like the only piece that
Speaker 2: like I rub up against where I feel like we
Speaker 2: can't have that like one hundred percent perfect relationship because
Speaker 2: I just feel like he's still trying to like take
Speaker 2: from me, and where through some of the AMDR work
Speaker 2: that I can share in that is there was a
Speaker 2: piece I like started to cry, you know.
Speaker 3: She stops it and she's like, oh, what are you feeling?
Speaker 2: And I was like, I would pay anything to not
Speaker 2: be with him, where it's almost like this in that
Speaker 2: moment of something that had happened, where I was like,
Speaker 2: I would pay you this much to be out of this,
Speaker 2: And it's almost like in my freedom check in a
Speaker 2: way to like not be with him. It's like a
Speaker 2: weird way to justify it, but in my brain, I
Speaker 2: was like, I'd rather the life that I have now
Speaker 2: so much more than like what I was going through.
Speaker 3: We called it the freedom fee when I went through, oh,
Speaker 3: in previous marriage, and it wasn't anything like this financially
Speaker 3: because we didn't have children, but I was left with
Speaker 3: everything in my name, all of the debt, all of
Speaker 3: the rent, all of the you know, like all of it,
Speaker 3: and so it was it was like but then I
Speaker 3: got to the point where I was just like, it's
Speaker 3: the fee of peace of mind, it's the fee of freedom,
Speaker 3: it's the you know and lovely person, find person whatever,
Speaker 3: all similar feelings. Ish just also not my person, so
Speaker 3: it costs.
Speaker 2: But I also understand it's like the core and like
Speaker 2: it's what I have, and it's like it's sure for
Speaker 2: my kids, but also aged ten days out of the month,
Speaker 2: it's just it's like you that's not.
Speaker 3: I know.
Speaker 2: This is the part where I just have a hard time,
Speaker 2: yea with it.
Speaker 3: I think it's really fair and very valid to struggle
Speaker 3: with that. I would super struggle with that. Mm hmm.
Speaker 3: I'm like, I always commend you on how you even
Speaker 3: handle any of it. Actually, I just try to be
Speaker 3: I will say this though one theory and maybe this
Speaker 3: will help you because you and I are wired so similarly,
Speaker 3: I think.
Speaker 2: And it's only coming up because I feel like I
Speaker 2: have to pay.
Speaker 3: More for sure, Yeah yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2: I also and that's my that's my situation, you know,
Speaker 2: that's our that's my an Alan situation, you know, like
Speaker 2: I can't loop him into the anger of that. But
Speaker 2: it's just when I you know that, I become the
Speaker 2: the girl that you know gets scared of losing. And
Speaker 2: when I don't have what, I didn't grow up with it,
Speaker 2: you know, So I go into that like scarcity. I
Speaker 2: don't have I don't have the money to do it.
Speaker 2: That's what I was just going to say.
Speaker 3: I think that I rest in this, and I promise
Speaker 3: you it is proven one hundred percent in my life.
Speaker 3: God always provides in the gaps. He always provides in
Speaker 3: the gaps. He just does in the weirdest ways, in
Speaker 3: ways we would never even think that you would get
Speaker 3: extra work or extra money or extra anything, because if
Speaker 3: you lack somewhere, he will always supplement and make up
Speaker 3: the different.
Speaker 2: And I can't come like I'm sitting here and I
Speaker 2: hate I just but I do. I'm so fortunate, I'm
Speaker 2: so grateful, I'm so like all the things.
Speaker 3: You can be all those things and still frustrated. I know.
Speaker 2: I struggle with like that. I like being allowed to
Speaker 2: feel that, which is you.
Speaker 1: Don't struggle with a problem like absolutely you struggle with
Speaker 1: like feeling like you're allowed to feel that way.
Speaker 2: Or like to be judged to me, feeling that way
Speaker 2: ye where it's like, oh my gosh, like you like,
Speaker 2: for example, when I post that about the perneuveo, like,
Speaker 2: how could you be posting about something that you know
Speaker 2: is expensive? And I'm like, I'm in a grateful situation
Speaker 2: where I can, you know, even have the opportunity to
Speaker 2: have a nanny and the opportunity to have a beautiful home,
Speaker 2: and you know, so I I and when people are
Speaker 2: struggling to buy groceries, and like I get that piece
Speaker 2: of why am I sitting here on a platform being
Speaker 2: like my poor me?
Speaker 3: But Janna, if you didn't talk about that as an option,
Speaker 3: I wouldn't know that thing existed, do you know what
Speaker 3: I mean? Like, there's it's very common in our world
Speaker 3: that we know about this full scan body thing, but
Speaker 3: like there's people that don't know about that, and you
Speaker 3: have two million people that now can know about that
Speaker 3: if they're in a situation where that's helpful.
Speaker 1: I think it's also a good thing to point out.
Speaker 1: Not to change it from that, but back to the
Speaker 1: childcare thing, it is good to know that someone in
Speaker 1: your situation, Okay, you are very fortunate, is also kind
Speaker 1: of struggling with paying that kind of now let's talk
Speaker 1: about the people that are not as fortunate as you are.
Speaker 1: I think it's bringing instead of you feeling like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm not allowed to feel that way, it's bringing kind
Speaker 1: of awareness to like, look how expensive childcare is, Like
Speaker 1: whether you can afford it or not afford it, everyone
Speaker 1: has to have it pretty much unless you're staying home.
Speaker 1: But then they're making a choice a lot of times
Speaker 1: to stay home because they can't afford it. So I
Speaker 1: think it's a very important topic to understand, and you're
Speaker 1: not complaining, but it is expensive and for some people
Speaker 1: that takes almost all of the paycheck, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. And so I think it's just it's good
Speaker 1: to talk about and it's good to see that. I
Speaker 1: hope people see that you're not complaining in a way
Speaker 1: like like you're afraid people will see, but you're like,
Speaker 1: you know what, Like this is a lot of money.
Speaker 3: I don't know how people freaking do it.
Speaker 5: Well.
Speaker 3: A lot of people can't.
Speaker 1: Is that is a That is why a lot of
Speaker 1: women stay home because it would not make sense for them.
Speaker 3: That's what I mean.
Speaker 2: Literally, Alan and I went and walk and I was like,
Speaker 2: I think I'm just gonna like, I'm gonna do this.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna be I'm gonna try it, I'm gonna be
Speaker 2: stay at home mom, and I'm going to do it.
Speaker 2: And then and he's like, well if stuff stuff comes up,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, I just don't feel like, I like
Speaker 2: why for what? Like okay, so I have to post
Speaker 2: or something like I can. I can handle it. Then
Speaker 2: when things come up like a movie that and then
Speaker 2: I just like throw the wrench again. So now I'm like,
Speaker 2: I don't know how to know.
Speaker 1: I just think for what you do, I think the
Speaker 1: peace of mind of it is worth all of it.
Speaker 5: Everything I do.
Speaker 2: Anyways, Yes, but while we were going through but and
Speaker 2: I just want to say again like I'm not trying
Speaker 2: to hate on my ex, Like I again, I love
Speaker 2: the relationship that we're at. That is just what comes
Speaker 2: up for me when I feel like I have to
Speaker 2: spend money on you know, on things and for some
Speaker 2: reason or not for some reason, but given our history,
Speaker 2: that was the piece that I'm like so valid I
Speaker 2: could just get frustrated with and hope one day it
Speaker 2: can be a fair thing. For maybe one day he'll
Speaker 2: be like, I don't want to take it anymore. I
Speaker 2: don't know if that day will ever come, and he
Speaker 2: technically that day doesn't ever have to come, you know,
Speaker 2: like because he isn't his right to always take this
Speaker 2: child sport.
Speaker 1: Well, I think maybe I might be speaking for you,
Speaker 1: but maybe the hope is that he will get really
Speaker 1: motivated and work really hard to also make a good
Speaker 1: amount of money, not saying he doesn't, but I'm going
Speaker 1: to assume since you're paying him child care, yeah, the
Speaker 1: money is still very uneven. So if it were me
Speaker 1: in that situation, my hope would be that he'd become
Speaker 1: super motivated to really up his amount of money as well.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I want that for him, which is why,
Speaker 2: like I have him, I'm like, you want to come
Speaker 2: on the podcast again, like so I can promote your business, Like, yeah,
Speaker 2: I want to, Like I want him to succeed, you know,
Speaker 2: of course, But flipping gears I was going through This
Speaker 2: is just a really sad and I'm just going to
Speaker 2: read this because I can't say who was from. But
Speaker 2: so I had the one abuser and then I had
Speaker 2: a few after and this one that I was with
Speaker 2: for a while. I was reading a text message that
Speaker 2: I sent and I'm like, this is just makes me
Speaker 2: really sad and I just want to say one time
Speaker 2: is too many. This is a text message is sent
Speaker 2: to an abuser, okay, and I was reading it last
Speaker 2: night and I'm like, this is just so messed up,
Speaker 2: because again, one time of someone putting their hands on
Speaker 2: you is one time too many. So this is like
Speaker 2: my arm is now bruised. Also it hurts, as does
Speaker 2: my throat. I understand you wanted your one day to relax,
Speaker 2: but you did not have to put your hands on me.
Speaker 2: And I know you said you didn't put your hands
Speaker 2: on me hard, but you did and you know you
Speaker 2: did and then made it hurt harder.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 2: I don't like that. And I told you to never
Speaker 2: put your hands on me again, and you have done
Speaker 2: it one too much many times and I'm done. I
Speaker 2: will not allow you to put your hands on me again.
Speaker 2: Question is did I allow him to put his hands
Speaker 2: on me again?
Speaker 3: Yes? Yes, It's just messed up.
Speaker 2: And I'm reading this and I'm like when they're like
Speaker 2: they say you I know, and I know, and I
Speaker 2: know you said you didn't put your hands on me
Speaker 2: hard Like that part, I was like, they make you
Speaker 2: believe they're like, well, it's not like I did it hard.
Speaker 3: It doesn't fucking matter.
Speaker 2: You puts your hands on me, and then I allow
Speaker 2: it again and again and again and again. So here
Speaker 2: is the episode to not it's like I say that
Speaker 2: because it's like I'm always like, oh, because you guys
Speaker 2: could say one time is too many, But until you
Speaker 2: are in that situation, it's hard to get out because they.
Speaker 3: Actually grew up in that situation.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but we have a survivor coming on Nilly and
Speaker 2: then we can all share. I want to hear more
Speaker 2: of that story as well. So let's take a break
Speaker 2: and then get an Illiam. Hi, Hi, Hi, thank you
Speaker 2: so much for coming on. We have a mutual friend,
Speaker 2: I believe, and I really wanted to make sure we
Speaker 2: had a survivor come on the show and talk about
Speaker 2: their experience and to anyone that's listening or that knows
Speaker 2: someone that is going through any of this, that they
Speaker 2: you know, ways to get out, help and just to
Speaker 2: know that they're not alone in it. So would you
Speaker 2: mind sharing a piece of your story with us?
Speaker 4: Of course? I mean I don't even know where to start.
Speaker 5: It's I think back on it now and I'm like
Speaker 5: Oh my gosh. So I met my ex husband at seventeen,
Speaker 5: tried to date me different avenues. He would just show
Speaker 5: up places, which was interesting now looking back on it.
Speaker 5: Started dating him right after high school and he was
Speaker 5: twenty five and I was eighteen, and then it was
Speaker 5: the stereotypical love bombing, so you know, told me he
Speaker 5: loved me. After ten days, he was going to marry me.
Speaker 5: Gave me a key to his place, took me on
Speaker 5: lavish dates, bought me lavish gifts.
Speaker 4: Was going to give me the world.
Speaker 5: Met his family like very fast, which is very It's
Speaker 5: not very common for my culture to meet a family
Speaker 5: that quickly and talk about getting married. It's a really
Speaker 5: big deal when you bring someone into your family as a.
Speaker 3: What is your boyfriend ethnicity?
Speaker 5: I'm Persian Iranian, so at least for my family, it's
Speaker 5: a very big deal. So when you bring someone in,
Speaker 5: it's pretty much like you're going to get married to
Speaker 5: this person, or at least you have that. You kind
Speaker 5: of have that pressure because you don't you don't bring
Speaker 5: people in like that. So he was very adamant to
Speaker 5: meet my parents. So it happened very quickly, and then
Speaker 5: we dated and then The abuse started probably about seven months.
Speaker 5: In six seven months.
Speaker 2: In what was the first signs of abuse, Like what
Speaker 2: did you start to start to witness?
Speaker 4: So there was a lot of possessiveness.
Speaker 5: I had to change my number because he didn't want
Speaker 5: anyone else, like any guys or anyone contacting me that
Speaker 5: I knew, Like he didn't like me talking to I
Speaker 5: wasn't allowed to talk to any guys. Didn't about any
Speaker 5: friends I had, I wasn't allowed to talk to them.
Speaker 5: I had to cut them off. It was very hard
Speaker 5: for me to like go out with my friends. Everything
Speaker 5: was with him I had. I saw him almost every day.
Speaker 5: He started putting me down, like, oh, you need to
Speaker 5: get your face lasered, you have like care, like you
Speaker 5: need to go do this. So a lot of like
Speaker 5: small little things about putting me down about the way
Speaker 5: I dressed. Wanted my hair to be black. It had
Speaker 5: to be black black, and if it wasn't black enough,
Speaker 5: like why isn't it black? Why isn't it black? So
Speaker 5: all those little things started happening, and then it was
Speaker 5: like the control. Couldn't couldn't do things without him. I
Speaker 5: couldn't go on girls' trips. It's very hard for me
Speaker 5: to get away, so it became very intertwined in my
Speaker 5: life and I had there was a lot of mental
Speaker 5: and emotional abuse as the years progressed, and then the
Speaker 5: physical abuse was very sporadic and very almost calculated, to
Speaker 5: the point he knew kind of not to do it
Speaker 5: hard enough to bruise me, or he knew kind of
Speaker 5: he kind of knew what he was doing, so he
Speaker 5: was very calculated in my opinion. But he bought a
Speaker 5: house to you know, four years into the relationship, he
Speaker 5: bought a house two houses down from my parents and
Speaker 5: thought it was a great idea and we weren't even engaged,
Speaker 5: so he had eyes on me all the time, and
Speaker 5: looking back on it now, I didn't think much of it,
Speaker 5: but now looking back in hindsight, I just felt like
Speaker 5: he trapped me in a way where it was very
Speaker 5: hard for me to leave him or break up with him.
Speaker 5: And you know, I feel like, in hindsight, I was
Speaker 5: groomed as well at a very young age to be
Speaker 5: a certain way for him and to be a certain
Speaker 5: in his eyes, like I want her to be this way,
Speaker 5: so I'm going to groom her into what I want
Speaker 5: and kind of make her. Honestly, I felt like I
Speaker 5: was a slave. So I ended up working for him.
Speaker 5: We got engaged, got married, and I just felt very
Speaker 5: trapped in that relationship. I feel like I knew I
Speaker 5: shouldn't marry him, but because of my culture and my
Speaker 5: parents and everyone intertwined, I felt very stuck. So it
Speaker 5: was almost like harder to leave because I didn't want
Speaker 5: to be shamed because he had been around my family
Speaker 5: for almost five years at that point.
Speaker 3: Did your family ever see any of the abuse?
Speaker 4: No? I kept it very quiet. Was it was very
Speaker 4: some people?
Speaker 2: I mean no, I think for me it's hard because
Speaker 2: I didn't really tell my friends what was going on.
Speaker 2: I mean, I definitely didn't tell. So my first abuser
Speaker 2: when I was nineteen and I had just been strangled
Speaker 2: by him, and I went to the only friend that
Speaker 2: I had at that time because he completely just isolated
Speaker 2: me from everyone. But I went to her house and
Speaker 2: she was the only friend that was like, are you
Speaker 2: texting him? Because if you are, She's like, you have
Speaker 2: to leave.
Speaker 3: I can't.
Speaker 2: I can't see you continue to be with this man
Speaker 2: and be treated this way. And you know, I think
Speaker 2: always back to that time because I'm like you know,
Speaker 2: she was the first one to really call out the behavior,
Speaker 2: and you know, I ended up leaving that. I ended
Speaker 2: up leaving her house because he was sending me photos
Speaker 2: of my dog on the one or on the one
Speaker 2: or one freeway or the four or five, I can't remember,
Speaker 2: of saying if you don't come back, I'm letting the
Speaker 2: dogs go on the expressway. So I obviously left and
Speaker 2: I went.
Speaker 3: Back to his place. But when I was.
Speaker 2: Abused years later and in a long relationship, I hid
Speaker 2: those bruises, even though a mutual friend of ours saw
Speaker 2: a very very deep bruise on my arm, to which
Speaker 2: my abuser always said, well, you bruise easily. I just
Speaker 2: you know, or the big sweatshirts, and I mean I
Speaker 2: even have if someone was to go back on a carpet,
Speaker 2: they would see a bruise on my arm, and I
Speaker 2: I just I didn't tell anyone, and I didn't say
Speaker 2: anything because I was so made to believe that it
Speaker 2: was my fault or it resulted his actions resulted was
Speaker 2: a result because of what I did, and that's what
Speaker 2: I was made to believe. So you know, why would
Speaker 2: I want to tell, you know, our mutual friend or
Speaker 2: like when he saw the bruises, I mean he didn't
Speaker 2: even I mean I think he probably had a little inclination,
Speaker 2: but you know, he didn't, he didn't say anything, and
Speaker 2: so but yeah, I just I feel like I didn't
Speaker 2: say anything because I was also like, well, it must
Speaker 2: be my fault. I must deserve this, which was the
Speaker 2: biggest piece for me in therapy, the last rock for
Speaker 2: me to basically throw in the stream because I thought
Speaker 2: that's but I truly deserved. I thought I deserved abuse,
Speaker 2: and after years of having that abuse, how could I
Speaker 2: not think that.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I think internally I felt like whenever I did
Speaker 5: get abure, like I was yelled at or whatever he did,
Speaker 5: I always felt like, oh.
Speaker 4: Gosh, I must have done it.
Speaker 5: I felt internally I did something wrong, Like he made
Speaker 5: me believe that I did something that I deserve that,
Speaker 5: And that's how I pretty much was.
Speaker 4: That's my mile, was my mindset throughout the relationship.
Speaker 5: So I do remember when I did final lately, my
Speaker 5: best friend was like, I don't know how I didn't
Speaker 5: see it.
Speaker 4: She's like, you just you kept it so well put together.
Speaker 5: Your house was immaculate, You were immaculate, the kids, the food,
Speaker 5: that anytime you have guessed. I mean, she's like, I
Speaker 5: can't believe I let that pass by me. But yeah,
Speaker 5: I think it was a lot of just like the
Speaker 5: shame of one people not believing me, two afraid of
Speaker 5: his reaction, and three he would react and then if
Speaker 5: I didn't get out, I'd be stuck with that and
Speaker 5: then how do I how do I manage that?
Speaker 4: At that point? Will he hurt me more? Will he?
Speaker 5: It's almost like you're scared to tell anyone because if
Speaker 5: you can't get out of it, you're stuck. You're stuck
Speaker 5: with it, and then you have to kind of figure
Speaker 5: it out.
Speaker 3: Did your kids ever see the abuse?
Speaker 4: Yeah, my kids were actually abused as well as you have.
Speaker 4: Is where I have two boys.
Speaker 5: But that is the strength, that is where I got
Speaker 5: my strength, to be honest, when I started seeing.
Speaker 3: Makes that's fair.
Speaker 5: When I saw the abuse to my children and I
Speaker 5: looked at them and I was like, I can't let
Speaker 5: them down, Like I cannot let this happen to them,
Speaker 5: and I need to break the cycle because I don't
Speaker 5: want them to become him. And that is you know,
Speaker 5: there is moments my son let youngest son, you know,
Speaker 5: they've been through a lot of therapy. My youngest son
Speaker 5: was abused more than my oldest, and he remembers it.
Speaker 5: He doesn't see his father right now, he hasn't seen
Speaker 5: him for eleven months, but he saw it. I used
Speaker 5: to hover over him because I didn't want him to
Speaker 5: get hit by the belt. So I got hit by
Speaker 5: the belt. And he remembers those moments because they were
Speaker 5: so traumatic. And I think for me, it's just that
Speaker 5: is where I got my strength, is the boys and
Speaker 5: just looking at them and being like, I brought them
Speaker 5: into this world with this monster, and I have a
Speaker 5: responsibility to at least save them or at least get
Speaker 5: them out of this so they have a fair chance
Speaker 5: in life. And that is where my strength came from,
Speaker 5: to be honest, because I don't know if I could
Speaker 5: have done it if I didn't have childre like, I
Speaker 5: don't know if I would have ever gotten out.
Speaker 3: Is the pivotal moment for you? Is that the pivotal moment,
Speaker 3: the belt moment? When you go back to that or
Speaker 3: do you remember? You know? Sometimes I think when we're
Speaker 3: in these really wildly unfair intense situations, there's this almost
Speaker 3: odd of body moment that we have where we're like,
Speaker 3: what is happening and how do I get out of this?
Speaker 3: Was there ever that moment for you? What was the
Speaker 3: pivotal moment if you can pinpoint one. I mean, I'm
Speaker 3: sure it was a collectioner, but there usually comes with
Speaker 3: some sort of like awakening where you're just like, like
Speaker 3: you just said, yeah, I can't let them be like him.
Speaker 5: So I had three, and I know every I have
Speaker 5: three very pivotal moments that all happened back to back
Speaker 5: to back. The first one was CPS knocked on my
Speaker 5: door and someone anonymously had called because they were so
Speaker 5: afraid that me and the kids were in danger. That
Speaker 5: was one moment where I was like, holy cow, someone
Speaker 5: is seeing this happening and that they're afraid, and that's
Speaker 5: what I was like, Wow, yay someone saw it. Was
Speaker 5: almost like, oh my gosh, thank god, someone is seeing
Speaker 5: this right. But in the moment home and I was
Speaker 5: so afraid of CPS that.
Speaker 4: I didn't know how to handle it. So that was one.
Speaker 5: Number two was Father's Day weekend the same year that
Speaker 5: I left, which was in June. There was a soccer
Speaker 5: tournament and he was the only dad that didn't go
Speaker 5: and I took the kids and there was a moment
Speaker 5: where all the dad stood with the kids to take
Speaker 5: a picture, and my son comes to me and goes, mom.
Speaker 5: He like, I'm the only one without a dad.
Speaker 4: What do I do?
Speaker 5: And I looked and he'd intentionally not wanted to come.
Speaker 5: He wanted to stay home and do whatever he was doing.
Speaker 5: So I looked at my son and I was like,
Speaker 5: it's okay, honey, you just go stand next to your friend.
Speaker 5: But I was like, this is not how I want
Speaker 5: to raise my children. One, you're not a good father,
Speaker 5: You're abusive. But now your son is like feeling this
Speaker 5: feeling of like your presence not being here, and he's
Speaker 5: he's feeling it at this age. And then the third
Speaker 5: was when I got strangled, and that was when I decided.
Speaker 5: I felt like my life flashed before my eyes and
Speaker 5: I was like, I'm if I don't leave, I'm gonna
Speaker 5: die or one of my children are gonna is gonna
Speaker 5: end up dead. And then I felt like I had
Speaker 5: some premonitions. I just kept seeing something really bad happening,
Speaker 5: and I just was like, I can't stay.
Speaker 4: I have to go.
Speaker 5: And that is the day I decided I'm done, but
Speaker 5: it all happened. They all happened very back to back.
Speaker 5: It was like May, June, July.
Speaker 3: Is there alcohol or drugs involved with him at all?
Speaker 3: At this point?
Speaker 4: Alcohol? Yesh, drugs.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: What's interesting is neither was my first one was alcohol,
Speaker 2: but like not not super drunk. The other one no, none,
Speaker 2: not a stitch of drugs or alcohol.
Speaker 5: And that's funny you say that it was alcohol, but
Speaker 5: it was always like one drink and I was like,
Speaker 5: how is he turning into this bipolar monster with wine drink?
Speaker 5: And I'm looking at him and I'm like, oh my goodness.
Speaker 5: And I also always called it the Friday night, the
Speaker 5: Friday nights. It was a Friday nights where I was
Speaker 5: always on edge because that was the night he had
Speaker 5: his drink. That was the night that everything would happen.
Speaker 5: So Friday nights, I was very cautious not to bite
Speaker 5: people over, not to make plans. I was very very
Speaker 5: cautious of that day because every Friday night was something.
Speaker 5: Every it would always pop off on a Friday, and
Speaker 5: I just I just Fridays became like stay home, get
Speaker 5: the kids to bed, go to my parents, like do
Speaker 5: something where I'm not in the presence of him, because
Speaker 5: there was always an episode on a Friday. So it's
Speaker 5: interesting though that you say it was not like he
Speaker 5: was drunk. It was like one drink maybe two, and
Speaker 5: I would be like, why is he acting like how
Speaker 5: is he acting like this after one drink?
Speaker 1: So tell us about when you decided to leave and
Speaker 1: how that went.
Speaker 5: So I was strangled the evening of July third of
Speaker 5: twenty nineteen, and that's when I had my awakening. I
Speaker 5: woke up and I remember just thinking like, how am
Speaker 5: I going to get out of here?
Speaker 4: How am I going to leave? How am I going
Speaker 4: to tell my parents?
Speaker 5: So the first step I did, the first thing I
Speaker 5: had to do was tell my parents everything.
Speaker 4: Which was very difficult.
Speaker 3: Did they believe you?
Speaker 4: They did?
Speaker 5: Yeah, and I was They did, and my mom was like,
Speaker 5: this is We're getting you out. We're done, you know.
Speaker 5: My dad was still hopeful, like, let's you know, it's
Speaker 5: a tradition, the culture, the Persian you know, kind of
Speaker 5: like let's work through this, Let's see how we can,
Speaker 5: let's see if we can talk to him, and let's
Speaker 5: see what I'm like.
Speaker 4: Dad like, no, there's no fixing this. I'm done. So
Speaker 4: that was the struggle with my dad.
Speaker 3: But were they shocked when you told them?
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, my mom was like what, like he put
Speaker 4: his hands on you?
Speaker 5: Like they were like they they I think they were
Speaker 5: getting the gist of the him not being a good
Speaker 5: dad to the kids and him being kind of.
Speaker 4: Verbally abusive here and there.
Speaker 5: My mom saw a few episodes with him, you know,
Speaker 5: he didn't get along with his family. They were they
Speaker 5: were watching, so the shock was there, but they were
Speaker 5: almost they were more shocked at the physical abuse, like
Speaker 5: the strangle, the strangulation that happened. I think they were
Speaker 5: almost relieved. My mom was almost relieved. But it was
Speaker 5: very hard for them. It was not easy, and I
Speaker 5: had to do everything under behind closed doors, Like I
Speaker 5: was to hire an attorney, like I had to borrow
Speaker 5: money from my dad.
Speaker 4: I couldn't have him find out I was talking to an attorney.
Speaker 5: I had to I almost had to fake it to
Speaker 5: keep it like calm, like you know, my parents tried
Speaker 5: to talk to him.
Speaker 4: He admitted everything to my parents. He wanted to go
Speaker 4: to therapy.
Speaker 5: So I kind of had to like really keep it,
Speaker 5: like let's try to make this work out, like I
Speaker 5: didn't want to, Like he could not find out I
Speaker 5: had an attorney. I didn't know what he would do,
Speaker 5: and because I needed the restraining order, so I was
Speaker 5: very I was on eggshells trying to figure it out
Speaker 5: and maneuver it.
Speaker 4: And it was scary. I had the kids.
Speaker 5: I think I'd moved out and I was with my
Speaker 5: parents for a while. I told him I didn't want
Speaker 5: to live with him because of what he did. So
Speaker 5: I walked across the street and lived with my parents
Speaker 5: with the kids. I took the kids with a law.
Speaker 5: It was like, very very difficult. It was I. I
Speaker 5: was just scared because I was like, what's going to
Speaker 5: happen if he finds out before I serve him in
Speaker 5: the papers, before I get the restraining order? What if
Speaker 5: I don't get the restraining order? Then what is he
Speaker 5: going to do? Like it was very scary.
Speaker 3: Do you have a restraining order in place now?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 5: So the time from the day I served him, which
Speaker 5: was I believed August nineteenth of twenty nineteen, was when
Speaker 5: I served, like, gave the paperwork in but I got
Speaker 5: awarded the no contact restraining order and since then I've
Speaker 5: had it and I got it awarded on October twenty
Speaker 5: eighth of twenty twenty two, a five year restraining or
Speaker 5: three year restraint, a five year restraining order. And then
Speaker 5: I also got a three year restraining order just recently
Speaker 5: through the County of Santa Clara because he was charged
Speaker 5: through the county through our county as well.
Speaker 2: And then your son, one of your sons isn't seeing him,
Speaker 2: but what do the other one? Does he see him?
Speaker 2: And how does that work.
Speaker 5: With So the no contact was awarded both for myself
Speaker 5: and the children through the family through family court.
Speaker 3: And he's trying to sue you know, right.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I mean, he's constantly coming after me for getting
Speaker 5: more time. But the kids have had supervision almost the
Speaker 5: entire time through my dad did it in the beginning
Speaker 5: to keep it cool. Then him and my dad had
Speaker 5: an altercation, so then we had a professional supervisor. Then
Speaker 5: this professional supervisor had an altercation with him. He almost
Speaker 5: I mean he almost got in a fight with him
Speaker 5: in front of the kids. Then we went to therapeutic supervision,
Speaker 5: and that's been what's been going on for the last
Speaker 5: two years, I think. But there's a therapeutic supervisor there
Speaker 5: for the visitation and right now my oldest son is
Speaker 5: only seeing him two hours a month with a supervisor.
Speaker 3: And he wants to see him.
Speaker 4: I assume my older son.
Speaker 5: Yes, there's a very different dynamic between my oldest and
Speaker 5: my youngest.
Speaker 3: Sure, And how old is your oldest fourteen?
Speaker 2: What is your belief about yourself now going through the
Speaker 2: domestic violence and everything that you went through.
Speaker 5: So in the moment of it, I would say, why me,
Speaker 5: Why is this happening? And never understood why I ended
Speaker 5: up with this man, why I made the decisions I.
Speaker 4: Made, Why it took me so long?
Speaker 5: And then I realized recently, I think in the last
Speaker 5: year or two, I feel like it was my I
Speaker 5: feel like it's my purpose. I feel like because I
Speaker 5: went through what I did and the horrificness of it,
Speaker 5: and even now the post separation abuse, I feel like
Speaker 5: I was supposed to go through this to be.
Speaker 4: A voice for others.
Speaker 5: And I truly believe that, I truly believe my circumstances,
Speaker 5: my experience, and the craziness of it all was meant
Speaker 5: to happen so that I can create a platform and
Speaker 5: be a voice for women all around the world. And
Speaker 5: I've started a jewelry company with a platform for women empowerment,
Speaker 5: and I'm doing everything I can to just get my
Speaker 5: store out after six years. I've it's almost been six
Speaker 5: years since I left, and I finally feel strong enough
Speaker 5: and ready and feel like I'm ready to use my
Speaker 5: voice for a greater purpose.
Speaker 2: That's that's a beautiful place. I feel like there's because
Speaker 2: for me, my struggle has been the abuser's voice has
Speaker 2: always been louder than my own voice, and so I've
Speaker 2: been so quiet about certain things because I'm like, well,
Speaker 2: that happened. He pushed me, and that happened because of X.
Speaker 2: I'll always go to the where he would place the
Speaker 2: blame on me, and so then I just go, well,
Speaker 2: it was it was okay, or it was fine, or
Speaker 2: he did this because of because I did this, or
Speaker 2: because you know I said this or whatever. And so
Speaker 2: I think that has been like the piece that I've
Speaker 2: struggled with posts even sharing certain things, because I'm like, well,
Speaker 2: I still like sometimes their.
Speaker 3: Voice is louder than.
Speaker 2: All of it, and so then I just kind of
Speaker 2: shy shy away from it, which is not the right
Speaker 2: thing to do, right because you want to help other women.
Speaker 2: So what would be your advice to someone that wants
Speaker 2: to get out, that is trying to get out of something,
Speaker 2: but yet they hear the abuser's voice in their head
Speaker 2: louder than their own.
Speaker 5: It's really hard to say this, but it's just to
Speaker 5: take a leap and don't be afraid because the nightmare
Speaker 5: you're living and now, like, whatever you do to move
Speaker 5: forward is going to be better than where you are.
Speaker 5: So I always tell my I mean, I've helped few
Speaker 5: women and I tell them, listen, what you're going through.
Speaker 5: Now you see how horrible it is. Now think you're
Speaker 5: out of it, and what is the worst that can happen?
Speaker 5: Like if you really think if it's a financial part
Speaker 5: you're scared of, if it's you know, not having you
Speaker 5: know you already don't have your friends because he's already
Speaker 5: secluded you, Like, what is it? And to really navigate
Speaker 5: what is it that you're afraid of?
Speaker 4: What is it?
Speaker 5: What are your most afraid of? And then how to
Speaker 5: navigate that fear and to really try to So I've
Speaker 5: noticed there's a lack of support within a lot of
Speaker 5: TV victims that are trying to get out. And I've
Speaker 5: seen that, you know, they get secluded from their abuser
Speaker 5: secludes them number one, so their from network is very small.
Speaker 5: They're afraid because people don't believe them. There's a lack
Speaker 5: of support, and I feel part of my job, I
Speaker 5: want to create a support or something where I can
Speaker 5: these women can feel safe or they need to talk
Speaker 5: to someone to because it just takes a little bit
Speaker 5: of confidence, a little bit of I believe in myself,
Speaker 5: a little bit like I can do this. And I
Speaker 5: feel like if they have that, that is the biggest
Speaker 5: step that they have to take to get beyond that fear.
Speaker 5: And I think that was what it was for me.
Speaker 5: It was a lot of fear. And I think if
Speaker 5: we can help navigate that fear and just to believe
Speaker 5: in yourself and to be like this, you're going to
Speaker 5: be okay. And I think that's where I that's where
Speaker 5: I see it for most victims is the fear of
Speaker 5: the unknown, like what's going to happen next?
Speaker 4: And how can I support that?
Speaker 2: It's so hard when you're in it, But it's like
Speaker 2: to Christen's point, it's like I always remember each moment
Speaker 2: was my like okay, I'm out, you know, the night
Speaker 2: of being strangled, or you know, writing in my diary,
Speaker 2: I think he's going to kill me, Like having those
Speaker 2: moments like okay, I either have to get out or
Speaker 2: this guy guy's going to kill me. So it's just
Speaker 2: there's always that that moment you go back to you're like,
Speaker 2: all right, now is the time.
Speaker 3: But it's it's hard.
Speaker 2: And you know the women that I mean, watch the
Speaker 2: things on freaking Netflix and how the guy kills you know,
Speaker 2: the girlfriend or the wife or and it's just it's all,
Speaker 2: it's just awful.
Speaker 3: I think it's also worth really noting how slow it starts.
Speaker 3: Like I think the misconception is that it's just one hundred,
Speaker 3: you know, zero to one hundred and like five minutes.
Speaker 3: But and sometimes that is the case, but in cases
Speaker 3: like you and cases that I've known really intimately in
Speaker 3: my life, it's such a slow chip away. It's the isolation,
Speaker 3: it's the control of phone finances, free time, what you're wearing,
Speaker 3: how you look like. It's just so slow that I
Speaker 3: that it's and so calculated that it's hard for anyone
Speaker 3: to even really know that there may be even fully
Speaker 3: in it because it's such a gradual change.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it is. It's scary. It's almost scary.
Speaker 5: How slow and gradual it is, and then it's by
Speaker 5: the time time you're in it, you're like, holy moly,
Speaker 5: like and then you have an awakening moment because like
Speaker 5: for me, I was like, I didn't know what love
Speaker 5: bombing was.
Speaker 3: I don't think a lot of us did, or do
Speaker 3: you know.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I didn't know what, you know, narcissists was. I
Speaker 5: didn't know what I didn't know. You know, abuse can
Speaker 5: be emotional and mental financial. Looking back on it now, oh,
Speaker 5: I have to work for him that I wasn't allowed.
Speaker 5: I wanted to go to law school. Nope, we're going
Speaker 5: to start a company and you're gonna work for me.
Speaker 3: And he's two doors down from your parents at this point.
Speaker 3: I mean he really came down.
Speaker 5: He came in strong, and he was logistically yeah, and
Speaker 5: it was to me, I think it's very calculated because
Speaker 5: that is like, and when I look back on it now,
Speaker 5: if I had a boyfriend moved down the street from me, I'd.
Speaker 4: Be like, what are you doing? Like are you kidding me?
Speaker 3: Well, even when you say you moved, you know that
Speaker 3: you're like I moved in with my parents. I'm thinking,
Speaker 3: bless your brave and bold, nervous system for the feelings,
Speaker 3: because nearly even when you're across the street, I mean
Speaker 3: that doesn't there's a little layer of safety because you're
Speaker 3: with your parents, but he's still just right there.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, I couldn't. I don't think I slept very much.
Speaker 5: I think I was just like, is he gonna barge?
Speaker 5: I mean he's very capable, of course, I like, is
Speaker 5: he gonna barge through?
Speaker 4: Like is I've seen?
Speaker 5: I mean his temper is zero to one hundred, Like
Speaker 5: there's I mean, I'm looking I'm thinking now because it's
Speaker 5: all coming back to me because.
Speaker 4: I feel like I've blocked out a lot of it.
Speaker 5: Yeah, but I'm getting when you're speaking, I'm getting these
Speaker 5: like spurts and memories, but they're yeah, so you're I'm thinking,
Speaker 5: like lock the doors, turn on the arm. Like I
Speaker 5: didn't know how to use a gun. I didn't get
Speaker 5: a gun until uh recently learning how to shoot it
Speaker 5: because I live on my own. Now, I'm like, holy moly,
Speaker 5: what's going to happen? I remember calling my friends like
Speaker 5: can I have private security? Like how do I manage this?
Speaker 5: But you kind of get into survival mode and you
Speaker 5: kind of just it's I don't know how to explain it,
Speaker 5: but you just have to figure it out and you
Speaker 5: have no other choice, and you're like, I'm just gonna
Speaker 5: figure this out, and I don't know how I'm gonna
Speaker 5: do it.
Speaker 2: But and then even so, like I was just telling
Speaker 2: the girls too, I mean, there's still things that come
Speaker 2: up from when I was nineteen years old, from like
Speaker 2: my first abuser. So it's like, it's crazy how I'm like, God,
Speaker 2: I thought I've already kind of worked through all this,
Speaker 2: but there's moments in life that come up and it's
Speaker 2: like it triggers back to that and I'm like, oh
Speaker 2: my god, It's like it stays so much in you.
Speaker 2: It's like it is such a big piece of me
Speaker 2: that those times, in those things in my life.
Speaker 5: So yeah, so there's been a lot of post separation
Speaker 5: abuse for me and there still is. So six years
Speaker 5: down the line, I've been out of it, but I've
Speaker 5: had to manage post separation abuse and I still am
Speaker 5: dealing with it.
Speaker 4: So it's very it's a daily.
Speaker 5: Thing for me, but I've learned how to just take
Speaker 5: it out, put it in a category, and not let
Speaker 5: it affect my everyday life and my friends sometimes look
Speaker 5: at me and they're like, it's a miracle that you
Speaker 5: are out of that life and that you are where
Speaker 5: you are. It's like they don't understand it because they
Speaker 5: knew how or they've seen how crazy he's been acting,
Speaker 5: or have seen it through last six years of the
Speaker 5: things that he's done, how capable he is, and they're just.
Speaker 2: Like, Wow, Yeah, Nillie, where could our listeners if they're
Speaker 2: going through this, where can they reach out to you?
Speaker 2: And you know, because you said you're helping people too.
Speaker 5: So I've created Glory Jewelry, which is actually I'm wearying it.
Speaker 5: It's a butterfly collection that I've launched just in March,
Speaker 5: and it's called set Me Free. So i have my
Speaker 5: Instagram handle which is Glory Jewelry Store, which is a
Speaker 5: platform for women empowerment, and I'm also creating partnerships with
Speaker 5: organizations that can help people that are going through what
Speaker 5: they're going through and trying to create that support and
Speaker 5: that confidence and that just empowering women through it. And
Speaker 5: then also my personal handle which is just Nilly Danesh.
Speaker 5: They can always reach out to me there. I'm very
Speaker 5: I've had a lot of women reach out to me
Speaker 5: on both on both handles, and I'm very open to
Speaker 5: helping and providing support.
Speaker 4: However I can honestly.
Speaker 2: So well, thank you Nilly so much for coming on
Speaker 2: and thank you for having me. If you need help
Speaker 2: or if you know someone, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Speaker 2: It's one eight hundred and seven nine nine seven two
Speaker 2: three three. Reach out to me, reach out to Nilly,
Speaker 2: reach out to anyone. There's a lot of people that
Speaker 2: I talk to in my DMS about this, and usually
Speaker 2: you know, it's I always say, go to a therapist,
Speaker 2: go to people like that. But there's also you know,
Speaker 2: Nili and I we've been through it, and we can at.
Speaker 4: Least at least guide you try to.
Speaker 2: Try to guide. I mean I can't. I can't ever
Speaker 2: tell someone to do. I'm like, this is my experience,
Speaker 2: this is what I would say. But you know, at
Speaker 2: the end of the day, hopefully the more people you
Speaker 2: talk to will tell you it's not right and you
Speaker 2: know how to tell how to get out.
Speaker 5: And I think sometimes which the National Hotline is great,
Speaker 5: but what I think is sometimes when someone going through
Speaker 5: is speaking to an actual survivor and there's they can
Speaker 5: resonate with you, it's a lot, it's a it's that
Speaker 5: connection almost and I feel like calling a hotline.
Speaker 4: It's hard. You're calling on random hotline and I don't
Speaker 4: discourage it at all. Please do call it. But I'm
Speaker 4: here for that, just one on one connection to just
Speaker 4: guide and support how I can, however that is, and
Speaker 4: not telling you what to do or how you should
Speaker 4: do it, but just kind of guiding you through my
Speaker 4: own experience.
Speaker 2: Like you said, Yeah, well, I'm sorry you had to
Speaker 2: go through what you did, but like you said, you're
Speaker 2: using it for good and the platform and to help
Speaker 2: other people. So thank you Nelly very much for coming
Speaker 2: on sharing your story, you for having me well chat
Speaker 2: Sank you know. Thanks, Okay, bye Gray