WEBVTT - Strength and Survival with Nillie Danesh 0:00:01.960 --> 0:00:05.400 Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast. 0:00:06.920 --> 0:00:12.160 Hy ladies, Hi, Hi, how are we? 0:00:12.160 --> 0:00:14.160 We're good? How are you? I'm good? 0:00:14.680 --> 0:00:15.040 I don't know. 0:00:15.920 --> 0:00:17.640 Oh no, no, no, I'm good. I've just been like 0:00:17.800 --> 0:00:22.279 it's been one of those where I I'm trying to 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:24.640 figure out what to do. Uh. 0:00:24.800 --> 0:00:26.720 That's actually the story of my life right now, just 0:00:26.760 --> 0:00:29.480 that trying to figure out what to do. 0:00:29.880 --> 0:00:32.920 It's it's just hard because I we don't have so 0:00:32.960 --> 0:00:34.920 we remember we were having like we had part time 0:00:35.800 --> 0:00:38.720 uh sitter where she would come two to three times 0:00:38.720 --> 0:00:41.000 a week. Today is her last day, and I'm still 0:00:41.000 --> 0:00:43.760 at that place where I'm like, I don't it's it's 0:00:43.800 --> 0:00:45.800 it's really hard because we went to go see the daycare, 0:00:45.960 --> 0:00:48.000 which I then talked to McKenzie and she's like, no, 0:00:48.240 --> 0:00:49.720 they left right they're going. 0:00:49.520 --> 0:00:51.400 To she said, I think, well, I think the other 0:00:51.440 --> 0:00:53.400 one did already you just talked about the other day. 0:00:53.400 --> 0:00:56.960 Said it's changed a lot, and and and then you know, 0:00:57.080 --> 0:00:59.360 I don't think he's ready for one nap because I 0:00:59.400 --> 0:01:01.160 mean he's he's not even one yet, and that's when 0:01:01.160 --> 0:01:03.120 they go to one. I'm like, he can barely make 0:01:03.160 --> 0:01:05.240 it to nine thirty like you're just trying to stretch 0:01:05.280 --> 0:01:07.280 him to three hours, Like, no way, that kid's getting 0:01:07.319 --> 0:01:09.360 to five. Yeah, and I'm not ready to drop them, yeah, 0:01:09.440 --> 0:01:13.640 but trying to find part time work is difficult. And 0:01:13.680 --> 0:01:17.119 then you know, with my work and my very up 0:01:17.200 --> 0:01:22.400 and down schedule, it's like and then the nannies now 0:01:22.400 --> 0:01:25.640 are just so expensive, and I'm like, I'm having a 0:01:25.720 --> 0:01:29.600 really hard time with what I would pay for a nanny, 0:01:29.840 --> 0:01:32.360 and then knowing that I pay child support and so 0:01:32.600 --> 0:01:36.600 my I'm getting like that angry feeling again with my 0:01:36.680 --> 0:01:39.920 ex where it's like I have like that resentment boiling 0:01:40.000 --> 0:01:41.840 up again, where I'm like, you have them eight days 0:01:41.840 --> 0:01:44.360 a month, eight to ten days a month, and I 0:01:44.400 --> 0:01:46.000 have to pay X amount of money to you. It's 0:01:46.040 --> 0:01:47.760 it's and I got to pay, and like I know, 0:01:48.040 --> 0:01:49.600 he's like in his defense, he'd be like, well, I 0:01:49.640 --> 0:01:50.880 didn't tell you to have another baby, you know what 0:01:50.920 --> 0:01:53.320 I mean. But also like it's still just like I 0:01:53.320 --> 0:01:55.360 don't know, I have like that like anger piece of 0:01:55.360 --> 0:01:56.760 me that i'm and then I'm trying to figure out, well, 0:01:56.760 --> 0:01:58.120 maybe I'll just be a stay at home mom and 0:01:58.200 --> 0:02:00.680 like you know, but then I'll like, no baby you 0:02:00.680 --> 0:02:03.120 have you're gonna have to like find something, and like 0:02:03.160 --> 0:02:05.280 his job stuff up is up in the air, and 0:02:05.320 --> 0:02:07.720 then you know, then I'm like, I'll just I'll just 0:02:07.800 --> 0:02:09.680 I just got this. I got this until the end 0:02:09.720 --> 0:02:12.240 of the year, right, And so I come up with that, 0:02:12.280 --> 0:02:13.840 I'm like, at least I'm just gonna get to them. 0:02:13.960 --> 0:02:15.639 So I felt really confident in that where I'm like, 0:02:15.680 --> 0:02:18.959 it's the end of like the season. Not many things 0:02:19.000 --> 0:02:21.960 come up, you know, So I'm like, we're gonna be fine. 0:02:22.080 --> 0:02:25.680 It's like we'll we'll reassess like both of our stuff 0:02:25.680 --> 0:02:27.639 and what's happening. Because I got a movie offer for 0:02:27.680 --> 0:02:29.600 the next year, so I'm like, that's next year. It's 0:02:29.600 --> 0:02:32.239 either March April May, like they're they're not sure yet. 0:02:32.280 --> 0:02:34.080 So I'm like, I we've got some time to breathe. 0:02:34.520 --> 0:02:36.720 Let me just like enjoy these last few months and 0:02:36.880 --> 0:02:40.239 like just you know, all of us and being little 0:02:40.320 --> 0:02:43.040 and and then Alex calls me yesterday. She's like, hey, 0:02:43.040 --> 0:02:45.040 are you available to a movie for three three weeks 0:02:45.080 --> 0:02:50.360 in November. And I was like, yeah, yes, I know, 0:02:50.480 --> 0:02:52.280 but but then also I'm but then you know, she 0:02:52.280 --> 0:02:54.520 hasn't called me back. I'm like She's just like it's 0:02:54.520 --> 0:02:56.480 like that, like U, I'm like, well, I don't, and 0:02:56.480 --> 0:02:57.960 this is exactly why I feel like I need to 0:02:57.960 --> 0:03:00.320 pay someone to be available and they have. 0:03:00.880 --> 0:03:02.799 And it's hate to say it what we had to do. 0:03:03.120 --> 0:03:05.760 I mean, it's your world where you just don't know. 0:03:06.120 --> 0:03:08.880 But it's just painful to know how much I'd be 0:03:08.880 --> 0:03:10.000 paying out for childcare. 0:03:10.639 --> 0:03:12.120 Yeah, I understand that, and. 0:03:12.080 --> 0:03:14.280 Then I just get angry but all I had to do. 0:03:14.360 --> 0:03:16.960 But this is very interesting because there's a piece of 0:03:16.960 --> 0:03:20.359 something that came up in therapy. So this episode is obviously, 0:03:20.639 --> 0:03:23.320 well not obviously, no one knows. This month is Domestic 0:03:23.360 --> 0:03:27.680 Violence Awareness Month and we have a survivor that's coming 0:03:27.680 --> 0:03:30.200 on the show to talk about DV. But it was 0:03:30.280 --> 0:03:34.280 interesting because something from this situation like brought up something 0:03:34.280 --> 0:03:37.320 from the past of one of my past abusers feeling 0:03:37.480 --> 0:03:41.360 like trapped and held down. And it's crazy how even 0:03:41.360 --> 0:03:42.760 things from our past can come in. I know that's 0:03:42.800 --> 0:03:45.240 kind of like a sidebar moment, but anyways, but I 0:03:45.240 --> 0:03:48.400 can't really say how and who it's connected with, but 0:03:48.880 --> 0:03:50.880 it all just kind of brings up that like tense 0:03:50.880 --> 0:03:54.800 feeling of just like not being able to breathe. Yeah, well, 0:03:54.840 --> 0:03:56.680 and I think I don't know if that makes sense. 0:03:57.160 --> 0:03:59.920 No, it does, and I'm curious. 0:04:00.720 --> 0:04:06.640 I understand why you're connecting the two, but also, do 0:04:06.720 --> 0:04:08.680 you think you're able to separate those in your mind 0:04:08.720 --> 0:04:16.640 a little bit? The child support and child care? I mean, 0:04:16.680 --> 0:04:18.320 you see what I'm saying. I feel like that would 0:04:18.320 --> 0:04:19.400 help you mentally. 0:04:19.320 --> 0:04:21.600 Fair we can discuss why the piece. 0:04:21.720 --> 0:04:24.760 Got it understood because I think it just feels like it, 0:04:25.200 --> 0:04:27.640 knowing only what you just said, it feels like it 0:04:27.680 --> 0:04:29.799 would be helpful to be able to separate that piece 0:04:29.839 --> 0:04:31.640 because they don't go hand in hand. 0:04:32.120 --> 0:04:35.359 No, and less, there's more to the story, but I. 0:04:37.800 --> 0:04:40.000 Understand it. I just feel like it would be helpful 0:04:40.040 --> 0:04:41.320 if it was able to. 0:04:41.920 --> 0:04:44.240 You know, we moved a full time because for eight 0:04:44.320 --> 0:04:46.840 years I tried to do the oh, I'll just have 0:04:46.880 --> 0:04:49.400 someone on Wednesdays when I do a podcast or what 0:04:49.560 --> 0:04:54.600 and it's so exhaust and if it does change, you're 0:04:54.640 --> 0:04:59.400 just screwed. So I told Preston, like, you know, I 0:04:59.440 --> 0:05:02.480 that's why we're really lucky because we have a utility player, 0:05:02.520 --> 0:05:04.719 like she's helping me grow the brand's publishing the podcast, 0:05:04.720 --> 0:05:07.160 she's doing all the things I'm very, very lucky. It's 0:05:07.160 --> 0:05:10.440 still a ton of money. Like, it's a lot of money. 0:05:10.560 --> 0:05:12.880 Yeah, well, nanny's are starting at thirty Like I have 0:05:13.200 --> 0:05:16.160 another interview today at two thirty after this, and it's 0:05:16.279 --> 0:05:19.440 her starting points thirty dollars an hour for forty hour guarantee. 0:05:19.480 --> 0:05:23.960 And I'm just like, yeah, like, but there is a flexibility, 0:05:24.040 --> 0:05:26.200 I'll say, like even here, you know, like if we 0:05:26.279 --> 0:05:28.000 change a time, I'm like, I got it, or I 0:05:28.040 --> 0:05:30.360 can do it, like because if you do part time, 0:05:30.400 --> 0:05:32.880 you're just piecing it together. And I would say peace 0:05:32.880 --> 0:05:36.520 of mind comes with its own price tag fty one. 0:05:37.080 --> 0:05:38.039 But we're doing it. 0:05:38.240 --> 0:05:43.000 But also it seems god, because I remember this so vividly, 0:05:43.200 --> 0:05:46.000 it seems like such, it's really not that long of 0:05:46.040 --> 0:05:46.520 a time. 0:05:46.839 --> 0:05:48.760 No, it's not, you know what I mean. I look 0:05:49.520 --> 0:05:50.920 and look, it's like five years. 0:05:51.279 --> 0:05:53.960 Look at how much money I spent in those years 0:05:54.000 --> 0:05:56.240 on childcare because I mean I worked in an office. 0:05:56.279 --> 0:05:58.800 I always had to pay somebody. Now it's got a 0:05:58.800 --> 0:06:01.000 little bit more expensive. But I had a full time 0:06:01.080 --> 0:06:04.039 nanny when Ramsey was born and my other kid was born. 0:06:04.200 --> 0:06:05.560 I mean, it was it was a lot. 0:06:05.760 --> 0:06:08.880 Yeah, But now I'm like, man does the rest of 0:06:08.920 --> 0:06:11.000 the years, Like I don't have to pay for that anymore. 0:06:11.160 --> 0:06:13.640 Like it really is kind of short lived too. In 0:06:13.680 --> 0:06:16.280 the middle of it, it feels very but if you 0:06:16.320 --> 0:06:18.760 can kind of look at it long term, like it 0:06:18.800 --> 0:06:20.919 really is only kind of a short period of time, 0:06:21.400 --> 0:06:24.800 and eventually he will probably go to school, a kind 0:06:24.800 --> 0:06:26.320 of school before he even goes to. 0:06:26.360 --> 0:06:29.159 School, so really it might not even be really four 0:06:29.240 --> 0:06:32.240 years right at the most. Yeah, and if you dwindle 0:06:32.279 --> 0:06:33.919 it down, it's really not that much. 0:06:34.279 --> 0:06:37.080 Yeah, it's interesting. I'm going to get for this, but 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:41.359 I'll stand behind it. When we were doing the EMDR 0:06:41.440 --> 0:06:43.200 on the child, because I'm like, I don't want to 0:06:43.240 --> 0:06:45.160 be angry. I like where my ex and I are at, 0:06:45.160 --> 0:06:47.480 where we're able to have where I can truly separate 0:06:47.720 --> 0:06:53.279 my ex marriage feelings with him and how I felt 0:06:53.320 --> 0:06:56.080 with him in that relationship. And this is the only 0:06:56.200 --> 0:06:59.400 piece that like, I have any sort of anger or 0:06:59.480 --> 0:07:02.400 resentment or frustration with because I felt like he took 0:07:02.440 --> 0:07:04.560 so much during our marriage that I'm like, and you're 0:07:04.640 --> 0:07:07.880 still taking sure. I understand why. I understand the legal thing. 0:07:07.880 --> 0:07:11.600 I understand this is helping him pay for his place 0:07:11.680 --> 0:07:14.240 for the kids and the kids need a place as well. 0:07:14.800 --> 0:07:18.240 But I also know, yeah, so. 0:07:20.440 --> 0:07:23.360 That that piece is just like the only piece that 0:07:23.400 --> 0:07:25.080 like I rub up against where I feel like we 0:07:25.120 --> 0:07:27.920 can't have that like one hundred percent perfect relationship because 0:07:27.960 --> 0:07:29.840 I just feel like he's still trying to like take 0:07:29.880 --> 0:07:33.520 from me, and where through some of the AMDR work 0:07:33.840 --> 0:07:37.480 that I can share in that is there was a 0:07:37.520 --> 0:07:38.760 piece I like started to cry, you know. 0:07:38.800 --> 0:07:40.440 She stops it and she's like, oh, what are you feeling? 0:07:41.400 --> 0:07:43.280 And I was like, I would pay anything to not 0:07:43.360 --> 0:07:47.640 be with him, where it's almost like this in that 0:07:47.720 --> 0:07:50.280 moment of something that had happened, where I was like, 0:07:50.280 --> 0:07:52.320 I would pay you this much to be out of this, 0:07:52.760 --> 0:07:55.320 And it's almost like in my freedom check in a 0:07:55.360 --> 0:07:57.800 way to like not be with him. It's like a 0:07:57.840 --> 0:07:59.720 weird way to justify it, but in my brain, I 0:07:59.760 --> 0:08:03.160 was like, I'd rather the life that I have now 0:08:04.040 --> 0:08:06.559 so much more than like what I was going through. 0:08:06.760 --> 0:08:09.040 We called it the freedom fee when I went through, oh, 0:08:09.080 --> 0:08:12.880 in previous marriage, and it wasn't anything like this financially 0:08:13.120 --> 0:08:15.720 because we didn't have children, but I was left with 0:08:15.760 --> 0:08:19.120 everything in my name, all of the debt, all of 0:08:19.120 --> 0:08:21.000 the rent, all of the you know, like all of it, 0:08:21.040 --> 0:08:23.560 and so it was it was like but then I 0:08:23.600 --> 0:08:25.160 got to the point where I was just like, it's 0:08:25.240 --> 0:08:28.480 the fee of peace of mind, it's the fee of freedom, 0:08:28.560 --> 0:08:31.520 it's the you know and lovely person, find person whatever, 0:08:31.640 --> 0:08:35.080 all similar feelings. Ish just also not my person, so 0:08:35.960 --> 0:08:36.760 it costs. 0:08:37.160 --> 0:08:39.000 But I also understand it's like the core and like 0:08:39.040 --> 0:08:41.360 it's what I have, and it's like it's sure for 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:44.960 my kids, but also aged ten days out of the month, 0:08:45.000 --> 0:08:46.880 it's just it's like you that's not. 0:08:48.400 --> 0:08:48.679 I know. 0:08:48.760 --> 0:08:50.400 This is the part where I just have a hard time, 0:08:50.440 --> 0:08:50.840 yea with it. 0:08:50.880 --> 0:08:53.720 I think it's really fair and very valid to struggle 0:08:53.760 --> 0:08:56.600 with that. I would super struggle with that. Mm hmm. 0:08:57.000 --> 0:08:59.040 I'm like, I always commend you on how you even 0:08:59.080 --> 0:09:02.640 handle any of it. Actually, I just try to be 0:09:03.559 --> 0:09:05.600 I will say this though one theory and maybe this 0:09:05.640 --> 0:09:08.239 will help you because you and I are wired so similarly, 0:09:08.920 --> 0:09:09.160 I think. 0:09:09.200 --> 0:09:10.600 And it's only coming up because I feel like I 0:09:10.600 --> 0:09:11.280 have to pay. 0:09:11.040 --> 0:09:13.560 More for sure, Yeah yeah, yeah, for sure. 0:09:13.920 --> 0:09:16.160 I also and that's my that's my situation, you know, 0:09:16.240 --> 0:09:18.360 that's our that's my an Alan situation, you know, like 0:09:18.400 --> 0:09:20.800 I can't loop him into the anger of that. But 0:09:20.880 --> 0:09:23.840 it's just when I you know that, I become the 0:09:23.840 --> 0:09:26.480 the girl that you know gets scared of losing. And 0:09:26.840 --> 0:09:28.440 when I don't have what, I didn't grow up with it, 0:09:28.480 --> 0:09:30.880 you know, So I go into that like scarcity. I 0:09:30.920 --> 0:09:32.400 don't have I don't have the money to do it. 0:09:32.640 --> 0:09:33.720 That's what I was just going to say. 0:09:33.760 --> 0:09:36.959 I think that I rest in this, and I promise 0:09:37.000 --> 0:09:39.800 you it is proven one hundred percent in my life. 0:09:39.920 --> 0:09:44.280 God always provides in the gaps. He always provides in 0:09:44.320 --> 0:09:47.920 the gaps. He just does in the weirdest ways, in 0:09:47.960 --> 0:09:50.480 ways we would never even think that you would get 0:09:50.640 --> 0:09:54.880 extra work or extra money or extra anything, because if 0:09:54.960 --> 0:10:00.000 you lack somewhere, he will always supplement and make up 0:10:00.120 --> 0:10:00.480 the different. 0:10:00.520 --> 0:10:02.199 And I can't come like I'm sitting here and I 0:10:02.520 --> 0:10:05.760 hate I just but I do. I'm so fortunate, I'm 0:10:05.800 --> 0:10:07.800 so grateful, I'm so like all the things. 0:10:07.840 --> 0:10:10.960 You can be all those things and still frustrated. I know. 0:10:11.080 --> 0:10:13.320 I struggle with like that. I like being allowed to 0:10:13.360 --> 0:10:15.040 feel that, which is you. 0:10:15.000 --> 0:10:18.719 Don't struggle with a problem like absolutely you struggle with 0:10:18.800 --> 0:10:20.640 like feeling like you're allowed to feel that way. 0:10:21.840 --> 0:10:23.800 Or like to be judged to me, feeling that way 0:10:23.880 --> 0:10:25.520 ye where it's like, oh my gosh, like you like, 0:10:25.559 --> 0:10:27.280 for example, when I post that about the perneuveo, like, 0:10:27.320 --> 0:10:29.040 how could you be posting about something that you know 0:10:29.360 --> 0:10:33.200 is expensive? And I'm like, I'm in a grateful situation 0:10:33.320 --> 0:10:35.920 where I can, you know, even have the opportunity to 0:10:35.920 --> 0:10:38.600 have a nanny and the opportunity to have a beautiful home, 0:10:38.720 --> 0:10:40.800 and you know, so I I and when people are 0:10:40.800 --> 0:10:43.480 struggling to buy groceries, and like I get that piece 0:10:43.480 --> 0:10:45.640 of why am I sitting here on a platform being 0:10:45.640 --> 0:10:46.480 like my poor me? 0:10:46.760 --> 0:10:50.240 But Janna, if you didn't talk about that as an option, 0:10:50.400 --> 0:10:52.800 I wouldn't know that thing existed, do you know what 0:10:52.800 --> 0:10:54.840 I mean? Like, there's it's very common in our world 0:10:55.080 --> 0:10:57.440 that we know about this full scan body thing, but 0:10:57.559 --> 0:10:59.840 like there's people that don't know about that, and you 0:10:59.880 --> 0:11:02.600 have two million people that now can know about that 0:11:02.720 --> 0:11:04.640 if they're in a situation where that's helpful. 0:11:04.880 --> 0:11:07.720 I think it's also a good thing to point out. 0:11:07.720 --> 0:11:09.439 Not to change it from that, but back to the 0:11:09.520 --> 0:11:13.800 childcare thing, it is good to know that someone in 0:11:13.840 --> 0:11:18.319 your situation, Okay, you are very fortunate, is also kind 0:11:18.320 --> 0:11:21.079 of struggling with paying that kind of now let's talk 0:11:21.080 --> 0:11:23.559 about the people that are not as fortunate as you are. 0:11:23.800 --> 0:11:27.080 I think it's bringing instead of you feeling like, oh, 0:11:27.120 --> 0:11:28.800 I'm not allowed to feel that way, it's bringing kind 0:11:28.800 --> 0:11:32.040 of awareness to like, look how expensive childcare is, Like 0:11:32.120 --> 0:11:35.600 whether you can afford it or not afford it, everyone 0:11:35.679 --> 0:11:38.520 has to have it pretty much unless you're staying home. 0:11:38.520 --> 0:11:40.160 But then they're making a choice a lot of times 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:42.199 to stay home because they can't afford it. So I 0:11:42.200 --> 0:11:45.320 think it's a very important topic to understand, and you're 0:11:45.360 --> 0:11:49.320 not complaining, but it is expensive and for some people 0:11:49.400 --> 0:11:52.960 that takes almost all of the paycheck, you know what 0:11:53.000 --> 0:11:55.000 I mean. And so I think it's just it's good 0:11:55.000 --> 0:11:57.320 to talk about and it's good to see that. I 0:11:57.360 --> 0:11:59.600 hope people see that you're not complaining in a way 0:11:59.720 --> 0:12:02.959 like like you're afraid people will see, but you're like, 0:12:03.360 --> 0:12:05.360 you know what, Like this is a lot of money. 0:12:05.480 --> 0:12:07.040 I don't know how people freaking do it. 0:12:07.080 --> 0:12:07.200 Well. 0:12:07.200 --> 0:12:08.079 A lot of people can't. 0:12:08.480 --> 0:12:10.800 Is that is a That is why a lot of 0:12:10.800 --> 0:12:13.600 women stay home because it would not make sense for them. 0:12:13.840 --> 0:12:14.320 That's what I mean. 0:12:14.360 --> 0:12:15.800 Literally, Alan and I went and walk and I was like, 0:12:15.840 --> 0:12:18.000 I think I'm just gonna like, I'm gonna do this. 0:12:18.040 --> 0:12:19.360 I'm gonna be I'm gonna try it, I'm gonna be 0:12:19.360 --> 0:12:20.520 stay at home mom, and I'm going to do it. 0:12:20.520 --> 0:12:22.720 And then and he's like, well if stuff stuff comes up, 0:12:22.720 --> 0:12:25.960 and I'm like, I just don't feel like, I like 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:28.640 why for what? Like okay, so I have to post 0:12:28.679 --> 0:12:30.880 or something like I can. I can handle it. Then 0:12:30.880 --> 0:12:32.600 when things come up like a movie that and then 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:34.360 I just like throw the wrench again. So now I'm like, 0:12:34.400 --> 0:12:35.040 I don't know how to know. 0:12:35.400 --> 0:12:37.840 I just think for what you do, I think the 0:12:37.880 --> 0:12:41.240 peace of mind of it is worth all of it. 0:12:44.360 --> 0:12:45.040 Everything I do. 0:12:45.120 --> 0:12:50.000 Anyways, Yes, but while we were going through but and 0:12:50.160 --> 0:12:51.760 I just want to say again like I'm not trying 0:12:51.760 --> 0:12:54.480 to hate on my ex, Like I again, I love 0:12:54.520 --> 0:12:56.840 the relationship that we're at. That is just what comes 0:12:56.920 --> 0:12:58.360 up for me when I feel like I have to 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:03.600 spend money on you know, on things and for some 0:13:03.640 --> 0:13:06.480 reason or not for some reason, but given our history, 0:13:06.920 --> 0:13:10.240 that was the piece that I'm like so valid I 0:13:10.240 --> 0:13:12.200 could just get frustrated with and hope one day it 0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:15.600 can be a fair thing. For maybe one day he'll 0:13:15.640 --> 0:13:17.600 be like, I don't want to take it anymore. I 0:13:17.600 --> 0:13:19.360 don't know if that day will ever come, and he 0:13:19.640 --> 0:13:21.600 technically that day doesn't ever have to come, you know, 0:13:21.760 --> 0:13:24.040 like because he isn't his right to always take this 0:13:24.160 --> 0:13:24.760 child sport. 0:13:24.920 --> 0:13:26.920 Well, I think maybe I might be speaking for you, 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:29.600 but maybe the hope is that he will get really 0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:33.360 motivated and work really hard to also make a good 0:13:33.400 --> 0:13:35.920 amount of money, not saying he doesn't, but I'm going 0:13:36.000 --> 0:13:38.840 to assume since you're paying him child care, yeah, the 0:13:38.920 --> 0:13:41.880 money is still very uneven. So if it were me 0:13:42.040 --> 0:13:44.840 in that situation, my hope would be that he'd become 0:13:45.080 --> 0:13:49.360 super motivated to really up his amount of money as well. 0:13:49.559 --> 0:13:51.600 Yeah, and I want that for him, which is why, 0:13:51.679 --> 0:13:53.040 like I have him, I'm like, you want to come 0:13:53.040 --> 0:13:55.920 on the podcast again, like so I can promote your business, Like, yeah, 0:13:56.000 --> 0:13:58.680 I want to, Like I want him to succeed, you know, 0:13:59.200 --> 0:14:04.280 of course, But flipping gears I was going through This 0:14:04.320 --> 0:14:06.439 is just a really sad and I'm just going to 0:14:06.520 --> 0:14:11.680 read this because I can't say who was from. But 0:14:11.960 --> 0:14:15.319 so I had the one abuser and then I had 0:14:15.320 --> 0:14:18.120 a few after and this one that I was with 0:14:18.200 --> 0:14:20.880 for a while. I was reading a text message that 0:14:20.920 --> 0:14:23.000 I sent and I'm like, this is just makes me 0:14:23.040 --> 0:14:25.520 really sad and I just want to say one time 0:14:26.000 --> 0:14:29.360 is too many. This is a text message is sent 0:14:29.520 --> 0:14:33.160 to an abuser, okay, and I was reading it last 0:14:33.240 --> 0:14:35.440 night and I'm like, this is just so messed up, 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:38.320 because again, one time of someone putting their hands on 0:14:38.360 --> 0:14:40.560 you is one time too many. So this is like 0:14:41.080 --> 0:14:43.920 my arm is now bruised. Also it hurts, as does 0:14:43.960 --> 0:14:46.880 my throat. I understand you wanted your one day to relax, 0:14:46.960 --> 0:14:48.880 but you did not have to put your hands on me. 0:14:49.160 --> 0:14:50.960 And I know you said you didn't put your hands 0:14:51.000 --> 0:14:53.560 on me hard, but you did and you know you 0:14:53.560 --> 0:14:55.000 did and then made it hurt harder. 0:14:55.320 --> 0:14:55.560 You know. 0:14:55.680 --> 0:14:57.440 I don't like that. And I told you to never 0:14:57.480 --> 0:14:59.280 put your hands on me again, and you have done 0:14:59.320 --> 0:15:01.640 it one too much many times and I'm done. I 0:15:01.680 --> 0:15:03.960 will not allow you to put your hands on me again. 0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:06.560 Question is did I allow him to put his hands 0:15:06.560 --> 0:15:07.080 on me again? 0:15:08.960 --> 0:15:11.920 Yes? Yes, It's just messed up. 0:15:12.000 --> 0:15:14.000 And I'm reading this and I'm like when they're like 0:15:14.440 --> 0:15:17.000 they say you I know, and I know, and I 0:15:17.080 --> 0:15:18.760 know you said you didn't put your hands on me 0:15:18.880 --> 0:15:23.360 hard Like that part, I was like, they make you 0:15:23.520 --> 0:15:25.920 believe they're like, well, it's not like I did it hard. 0:15:26.920 --> 0:15:28.360 It doesn't fucking matter. 0:15:28.480 --> 0:15:32.600 You puts your hands on me, and then I allow 0:15:32.640 --> 0:15:36.320 it again and again and again and again. So here 0:15:36.480 --> 0:15:42.000 is the episode to not it's like I say that 0:15:42.000 --> 0:15:43.760 because it's like I'm always like, oh, because you guys 0:15:43.760 --> 0:15:46.480 could say one time is too many, But until you 0:15:46.560 --> 0:15:48.760 are in that situation, it's hard to get out because they. 0:15:48.680 --> 0:15:50.280 Actually grew up in that situation. 0:15:50.920 --> 0:15:54.080 Yeah, but we have a survivor coming on Nilly and 0:15:54.080 --> 0:15:56.240 then we can all share. I want to hear more 0:15:56.240 --> 0:15:57.680 of that story as well. So let's take a break 0:15:57.680 --> 0:16:16.040 and then get an Illiam. Hi, Hi, Hi, thank you 0:16:16.280 --> 0:16:21.080 so much for coming on. We have a mutual friend, 0:16:21.240 --> 0:16:25.440 I believe, and I really wanted to make sure we 0:16:25.520 --> 0:16:29.400 had a survivor come on the show and talk about 0:16:29.600 --> 0:16:32.840 their experience and to anyone that's listening or that knows 0:16:32.840 --> 0:16:38.360 someone that is going through any of this, that they 0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:41.880 you know, ways to get out, help and just to 0:16:41.880 --> 0:16:43.840 know that they're not alone in it. So would you 0:16:43.880 --> 0:16:46.680 mind sharing a piece of your story with us? 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:49.680 Of course? I mean I don't even know where to start. 0:16:49.720 --> 0:16:53.120 It's I think back on it now and I'm like 0:16:53.120 --> 0:16:58.840 Oh my gosh. So I met my ex husband at seventeen, 0:17:00.480 --> 0:17:05.480 tried to date me different avenues. He would just show 0:17:05.560 --> 0:17:08.080 up places, which was interesting now looking back on it. 0:17:08.680 --> 0:17:12.119 Started dating him right after high school and he was 0:17:12.119 --> 0:17:16.320 twenty five and I was eighteen, and then it was 0:17:16.320 --> 0:17:20.719 the stereotypical love bombing, so you know, told me he 0:17:20.760 --> 0:17:23.280 loved me. After ten days, he was going to marry me. 0:17:23.880 --> 0:17:26.399 Gave me a key to his place, took me on 0:17:26.520 --> 0:17:29.280 lavish dates, bought me lavish gifts. 0:17:30.000 --> 0:17:31.080 Was going to give me the world. 0:17:31.560 --> 0:17:36.320 Met his family like very fast, which is very It's 0:17:36.359 --> 0:17:39.560 not very common for my culture to meet a family 0:17:39.640 --> 0:17:42.920 that quickly and talk about getting married. It's a really 0:17:42.920 --> 0:17:46.880 big deal when you bring someone into your family as a. 0:17:46.880 --> 0:17:49.040 What is your boyfriend ethnicity? 0:17:49.640 --> 0:17:53.560 I'm Persian Iranian, so at least for my family, it's 0:17:53.600 --> 0:17:55.280 a very big deal. So when you bring someone in, 0:17:55.320 --> 0:17:57.199 it's pretty much like you're going to get married to 0:17:57.240 --> 0:18:00.720 this person, or at least you have that. You kind 0:18:00.720 --> 0:18:04.240 of have that pressure because you don't you don't bring 0:18:04.280 --> 0:18:07.040 people in like that. So he was very adamant to 0:18:07.040 --> 0:18:12.600 meet my parents. So it happened very quickly, and then 0:18:12.640 --> 0:18:18.679 we dated and then The abuse started probably about seven months. 0:18:18.680 --> 0:18:20.320 In six seven months. 0:18:20.040 --> 0:18:24.600 In what was the first signs of abuse, Like what 0:18:24.640 --> 0:18:26.360 did you start to start to witness? 0:18:26.640 --> 0:18:28.680 So there was a lot of possessiveness. 0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:32.320 I had to change my number because he didn't want 0:18:32.320 --> 0:18:35.960 anyone else, like any guys or anyone contacting me that 0:18:36.040 --> 0:18:38.080 I knew, Like he didn't like me talking to I 0:18:38.119 --> 0:18:41.520 wasn't allowed to talk to any guys. Didn't about any 0:18:41.560 --> 0:18:43.359 friends I had, I wasn't allowed to talk to them. 0:18:43.359 --> 0:18:47.240