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Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast.

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Speaker 2: Hy ladies, Hi, Hi, how are we?

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Speaker 3: We're good? How are you? I'm good?

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Speaker 4: I don't know.

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Speaker 2: Oh no, no, no, I'm good. I've just been like

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Speaker 2: it's been one of those where I I'm trying to

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Speaker 2: figure out what to do. Uh.

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Speaker 3: That's actually the story of my life right now, just

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Speaker 3: that trying to figure out what to do.

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Speaker 2: It's it's just hard because I we don't have so

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Speaker 2: we remember we were having like we had part time

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Speaker 2: uh sitter where she would come two to three times

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Speaker 2: a week. Today is her last day, and I'm still

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Speaker 2: at that place where I'm like, I don't it's it's

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Speaker 2: it's really hard because we went to go see the daycare,

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Speaker 2: which I then talked to McKenzie and she's like, no,

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Speaker 2: they left right they're going.

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Speaker 1: To she said, I think, well, I think the other

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Speaker 1: one did already you just talked about the other day.

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Speaker 2: Said it's changed a lot, and and and then you know,

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Speaker 2: I don't think he's ready for one nap because I

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Speaker 2: mean he's he's not even one yet, and that's when

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Speaker 2: they go to one. I'm like, he can barely make

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Speaker 2: it to nine thirty like you're just trying to stretch

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Speaker 2: him to three hours, Like, no way, that kid's getting

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Speaker 2: to five. Yeah, and I'm not ready to drop them, yeah,

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Speaker 2: but trying to find part time work is difficult. And

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Speaker 2: then you know, with my work and my very up

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Speaker 2: and down schedule, it's like and then the nannies now

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Speaker 2: are just so expensive, and I'm like, I'm having a

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Speaker 2: really hard time with what I would pay for a nanny,

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Speaker 2: and then knowing that I pay child support and so

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Speaker 2: my I'm getting like that angry feeling again with my

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Speaker 2: ex where it's like I have like that resentment boiling

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Speaker 2: up again, where I'm like, you have them eight days

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Speaker 2: a month, eight to ten days a month, and I

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Speaker 2: have to pay X amount of money to you. It's

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Speaker 2: it's and I got to pay, and like I know,

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Speaker 2: he's like in his defense, he'd be like, well, I

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Speaker 2: didn't tell you to have another baby, you know what

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Speaker 2: I mean. But also like it's still just like I

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Speaker 2: don't know, I have like that like anger piece of

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Speaker 2: me that i'm and then I'm trying to figure out, well,

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Speaker 2: maybe I'll just be a stay at home mom and

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Speaker 2: like you know, but then I'll like, no baby you

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Speaker 2: have you're gonna have to like find something, and like

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Speaker 2: his job stuff up is up in the air, and

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Speaker 2: then you know, then I'm like, I'll just I'll just

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Speaker 2: I just got this. I got this until the end

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Speaker 2: of the year, right, And so I come up with that,

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Speaker 2: I'm like, at least I'm just gonna get to them.

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Speaker 2: So I felt really confident in that where I'm like,

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Speaker 2: it's the end of like the season. Not many things

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Speaker 2: come up, you know, So I'm like, we're gonna be fine.

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Speaker 2: It's like we'll we'll reassess like both of our stuff

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Speaker 2: and what's happening. Because I got a movie offer for

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Speaker 2: the next year, so I'm like, that's next year. It's

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Speaker 2: either March April May, like they're they're not sure yet.

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Speaker 2: So I'm like, I we've got some time to breathe.

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Speaker 2: Let me just like enjoy these last few months and

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Speaker 2: like just you know, all of us and being little

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Speaker 2: and and then Alex calls me yesterday. She's like, hey,

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Speaker 2: are you available to a movie for three three weeks

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Speaker 2: in November. And I was like, yeah, yes, I know,

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Speaker 2: but but then also I'm but then you know, she

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Speaker 2: hasn't called me back. I'm like She's just like it's

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Speaker 2: like that, like U, I'm like, well, I don't, and

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Speaker 2: this is exactly why I feel like I need to

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Speaker 2: pay someone to be available and they have.

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Speaker 1: And it's hate to say it what we had to do.

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Speaker 1: I mean, it's your world where you just don't know.

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Speaker 2: But it's just painful to know how much I'd be

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Speaker 2: paying out for childcare.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I understand that, and.

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Speaker 2: Then I just get angry but all I had to do.

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Speaker 2: But this is very interesting because there's a piece of

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Speaker 2: something that came up in therapy. So this episode is obviously,

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Speaker 2: well not obviously, no one knows. This month is Domestic

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Speaker 2: Violence Awareness Month and we have a survivor that's coming

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Speaker 2: on the show to talk about DV. But it was

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Speaker 2: interesting because something from this situation like brought up something

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Speaker 2: from the past of one of my past abusers feeling

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Speaker 2: like trapped and held down. And it's crazy how even

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Speaker 2: things from our past can come in. I know that's

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Speaker 2: kind of like a sidebar moment, but anyways, but I

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Speaker 2: can't really say how and who it's connected with, but

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Speaker 2: it all just kind of brings up that like tense

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Speaker 2: feeling of just like not being able to breathe. Yeah, well,

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Speaker 2: and I think I don't know if that makes sense.

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Speaker 3: No, it does, and I'm curious.

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Speaker 1: I understand why you're connecting the two, but also, do

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Speaker 1: you think you're able to separate those in your mind

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Speaker 1: a little bit? The child support and child care? I mean,

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Speaker 1: you see what I'm saying. I feel like that would

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Speaker 1: help you mentally.

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Speaker 2: Fair we can discuss why the piece.

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Speaker 1: Got it understood because I think it just feels like it,

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Speaker 1: knowing only what you just said, it feels like it

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Speaker 1: would be helpful to be able to separate that piece

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Speaker 1: because they don't go hand in hand.

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Speaker 2: No, and less, there's more to the story, but I.

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Speaker 1: Understand it. I just feel like it would be helpful

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Speaker 1: if it was able to.

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Speaker 3: You know, we moved a full time because for eight

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Speaker 3: years I tried to do the oh, I'll just have

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Speaker 3: someone on Wednesdays when I do a podcast or what

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Speaker 3: and it's so exhaust and if it does change, you're

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Speaker 3: just screwed. So I told Preston, like, you know, I

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Speaker 3: that's why we're really lucky because we have a utility player,

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Speaker 3: like she's helping me grow the brand's publishing the podcast,

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Speaker 3: she's doing all the things I'm very, very lucky. It's

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Speaker 3: still a ton of money. Like, it's a lot of money.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, well, nanny's are starting at thirty Like I have

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Speaker 2: another interview today at two thirty after this, and it's

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Speaker 2: her starting points thirty dollars an hour for forty hour guarantee.

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Speaker 3: And I'm just like, yeah, like, but there is a flexibility,

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Speaker 3: I'll say, like even here, you know, like if we

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Speaker 3: change a time, I'm like, I got it, or I

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Speaker 3: can do it, like because if you do part time,

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Speaker 3: you're just piecing it together. And I would say peace

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Speaker 3: of mind comes with its own price tag fty one.

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Speaker 3: But we're doing it.

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Speaker 1: But also it seems god, because I remember this so vividly,

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Speaker 1: it seems like such, it's really not that long of

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Speaker 1: a time.

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Speaker 3: No, it's not, you know what I mean. I look

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Speaker 3: and look, it's like five years.

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Speaker 1: Look at how much money I spent in those years

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Speaker 1: on childcare because I mean I worked in an office.

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Speaker 1: I always had to pay somebody. Now it's got a

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Speaker 1: little bit more expensive. But I had a full time

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Speaker 1: nanny when Ramsey was born and my other kid was born.

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Speaker 3: I mean, it was it was a lot.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, But now I'm like, man does the rest of

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Speaker 1: the years, Like I don't have to pay for that anymore.

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Speaker 1: Like it really is kind of short lived too. In

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Speaker 1: the middle of it, it feels very but if you

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Speaker 1: can kind of look at it long term, like it

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Speaker 1: really is only kind of a short period of time,

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Speaker 1: and eventually he will probably go to school, a kind

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Speaker 1: of school before he even goes to.

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Speaker 3: School, so really it might not even be really four

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Speaker 3: years right at the most. Yeah, and if you dwindle

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Speaker 3: it down, it's really not that much.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's interesting. I'm going to get for this, but

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Speaker 2: I'll stand behind it. When we were doing the EMDR

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Speaker 2: on the child, because I'm like, I don't want to

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Speaker 2: be angry. I like where my ex and I are at,

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Speaker 2: where we're able to have where I can truly separate

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Speaker 2: my ex marriage feelings with him and how I felt

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Speaker 2: with him in that relationship. And this is the only

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Speaker 2: piece that like, I have any sort of anger or

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Speaker 2: resentment or frustration with because I felt like he took

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Speaker 2: so much during our marriage that I'm like, and you're

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Speaker 2: still taking sure. I understand why. I understand the legal thing.

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Speaker 2: I understand this is helping him pay for his place

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Speaker 2: for the kids and the kids need a place as well.

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Speaker 3: But I also know, yeah, so.

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Speaker 2: That that piece is just like the only piece that

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Speaker 2: like I rub up against where I feel like we

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Speaker 2: can't have that like one hundred percent perfect relationship because

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Speaker 2: I just feel like he's still trying to like take

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Speaker 2: from me, and where through some of the AMDR work

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Speaker 2: that I can share in that is there was a

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Speaker 2: piece I like started to cry, you know.

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Speaker 3: She stops it and she's like, oh, what are you feeling?

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Speaker 2: And I was like, I would pay anything to not

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Speaker 2: be with him, where it's almost like this in that

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Speaker 2: moment of something that had happened, where I was like,

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Speaker 2: I would pay you this much to be out of this,

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Speaker 2: And it's almost like in my freedom check in a

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Speaker 2: way to like not be with him. It's like a

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Speaker 2: weird way to justify it, but in my brain, I

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Speaker 2: was like, I'd rather the life that I have now

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Speaker 2: so much more than like what I was going through.

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Speaker 3: We called it the freedom fee when I went through, oh,

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Speaker 3: in previous marriage, and it wasn't anything like this financially

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Speaker 3: because we didn't have children, but I was left with

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Speaker 3: everything in my name, all of the debt, all of

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Speaker 3: the rent, all of the you know, like all of it,

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Speaker 3: and so it was it was like but then I

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Speaker 3: got to the point where I was just like, it's

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Speaker 3: the fee of peace of mind, it's the fee of freedom,

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Speaker 3: it's the you know and lovely person, find person whatever,

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Speaker 3: all similar feelings. Ish just also not my person, so

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Speaker 3: it costs.

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Speaker 2: But I also understand it's like the core and like

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Speaker 2: it's what I have, and it's like it's sure for

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Speaker 2: my kids, but also aged ten days out of the month,

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Speaker 2: it's just it's like you that's not.

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Speaker 3: I know.

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Speaker 2: This is the part where I just have a hard time,

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Speaker 2: yea with it.

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Speaker 3: I think it's really fair and very valid to struggle

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Speaker 3: with that. I would super struggle with that. Mm hmm.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, I always commend you on how you even

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Speaker 3: handle any of it. Actually, I just try to be

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Speaker 3: I will say this though one theory and maybe this

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Speaker 3: will help you because you and I are wired so similarly,

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Speaker 3: I think.

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Speaker 2: And it's only coming up because I feel like I

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Speaker 2: have to pay.

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Speaker 3: More for sure, Yeah yeah, yeah, for sure.

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Speaker 2: I also and that's my that's my situation, you know,

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Speaker 2: that's our that's my an Alan situation, you know, like

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Speaker 2: I can't loop him into the anger of that. But

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Speaker 2: it's just when I you know that, I become the

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Speaker 2: the girl that you know gets scared of losing. And

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Speaker 2: when I don't have what, I didn't grow up with it,

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Speaker 2: you know, So I go into that like scarcity. I

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Speaker 2: don't have I don't have the money to do it.

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Speaker 2: That's what I was just going to say.

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Speaker 3: I think that I rest in this, and I promise

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Speaker 3: you it is proven one hundred percent in my life.

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Speaker 3: God always provides in the gaps. He always provides in

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Speaker 3: the gaps. He just does in the weirdest ways, in

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Speaker 3: ways we would never even think that you would get

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Speaker 3: extra work or extra money or extra anything, because if

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Speaker 3: you lack somewhere, he will always supplement and make up

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Speaker 3: the different.

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Speaker 2: And I can't come like I'm sitting here and I

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Speaker 2: hate I just but I do. I'm so fortunate, I'm

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Speaker 2: so grateful, I'm so like all the things.

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Speaker 3: You can be all those things and still frustrated. I know.

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Speaker 2: I struggle with like that. I like being allowed to

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Speaker 2: feel that, which is you.

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Speaker 1: Don't struggle with a problem like absolutely you struggle with

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Speaker 1: like feeling like you're allowed to feel that way.

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Speaker 2: Or like to be judged to me, feeling that way

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Speaker 2: ye where it's like, oh my gosh, like you like,

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Speaker 2: for example, when I post that about the perneuveo, like,

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Speaker 2: how could you be posting about something that you know

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Speaker 2: is expensive? And I'm like, I'm in a grateful situation

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Speaker 2: where I can, you know, even have the opportunity to

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Speaker 2: have a nanny and the opportunity to have a beautiful home,

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Speaker 2: and you know, so I I and when people are

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Speaker 2: struggling to buy groceries, and like I get that piece

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Speaker 2: of why am I sitting here on a platform being

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Speaker 2: like my poor me?

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Speaker 3: But Janna, if you didn't talk about that as an option,

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Speaker 3: I wouldn't know that thing existed, do you know what

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Speaker 3: I mean? Like, there's it's very common in our world

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Speaker 3: that we know about this full scan body thing, but

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Speaker 3: like there's people that don't know about that, and you

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Speaker 3: have two million people that now can know about that

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Speaker 3: if they're in a situation where that's helpful.

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Speaker 1: I think it's also a good thing to point out.

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Speaker 1: Not to change it from that, but back to the

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Speaker 1: childcare thing, it is good to know that someone in

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Speaker 1: your situation, Okay, you are very fortunate, is also kind

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Speaker 1: of struggling with paying that kind of now let's talk

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Speaker 1: about the people that are not as fortunate as you are.

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Speaker 1: I think it's bringing instead of you feeling like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm not allowed to feel that way, it's bringing kind

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Speaker 1: of awareness to like, look how expensive childcare is, Like

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Speaker 1: whether you can afford it or not afford it, everyone

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Speaker 1: has to have it pretty much unless you're staying home.

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Speaker 1: But then they're making a choice a lot of times

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Speaker 1: to stay home because they can't afford it. So I

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Speaker 1: think it's a very important topic to understand, and you're

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Speaker 1: not complaining, but it is expensive and for some people

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Speaker 1: that takes almost all of the paycheck, you know what

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Speaker 1: I mean. And so I think it's just it's good

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Speaker 1: to talk about and it's good to see that. I

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Speaker 1: hope people see that you're not complaining in a way

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Speaker 1: like like you're afraid people will see, but you're like,

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Speaker 1: you know what, Like this is a lot of money.

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Speaker 3: I don't know how people freaking do it.

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Speaker 5: Well.

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Speaker 3: A lot of people can't.

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Speaker 1: Is that is a That is why a lot of

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Speaker 1: women stay home because it would not make sense for them.

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Speaker 3: That's what I mean.

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Speaker 2: Literally, Alan and I went and walk and I was like,

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Speaker 2: I think I'm just gonna like, I'm gonna do this.

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Speaker 2: I'm gonna be I'm gonna try it, I'm gonna be

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Speaker 2: stay at home mom, and I'm going to do it.

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Speaker 2: And then and he's like, well if stuff stuff comes up,

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Speaker 2: and I'm like, I just don't feel like, I like

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Speaker 2: why for what? Like okay, so I have to post

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Speaker 2: or something like I can. I can handle it. Then

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Speaker 2: when things come up like a movie that and then

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Speaker 2: I just like throw the wrench again. So now I'm like,

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Speaker 2: I don't know how to know.

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Speaker 1: I just think for what you do, I think the

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Speaker 1: peace of mind of it is worth all of it.

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Speaker 5: Everything I do.

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Speaker 2: Anyways, Yes, but while we were going through but and

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Speaker 2: I just want to say again like I'm not trying

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Speaker 2: to hate on my ex, Like I again, I love

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Speaker 2: the relationship that we're at. That is just what comes

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Speaker 2: up for me when I feel like I have to

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Speaker 2: spend money on you know, on things and for some

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Speaker 2: reason or not for some reason, but given our history,

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Speaker 2: that was the piece that I'm like so valid I

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Speaker 2: could just get frustrated with and hope one day it

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Speaker 2: can be a fair thing. For maybe one day he'll

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Speaker 2: be like, I don't want to take it anymore. I

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Speaker 2: don't know if that day will ever come, and he

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Speaker 2: technically that day doesn't ever have to come, you know,

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Speaker 2: like because he isn't his right to always take this

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Speaker 2: child sport.

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Speaker 1: Well, I think maybe I might be speaking for you,

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Speaker 1: but maybe the hope is that he will get really

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Speaker 1: motivated and work really hard to also make a good

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Speaker 1: amount of money, not saying he doesn't, but I'm going

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Speaker 1: to assume since you're paying him child care, yeah, the

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Speaker 1: money is still very uneven. So if it were me

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Speaker 1: in that situation, my hope would be that he'd become

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Speaker 1: super motivated to really up his amount of money as well.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and I want that for him, which is why,

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Speaker 2: like I have him, I'm like, you want to come

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Speaker 2: on the podcast again, like so I can promote your business, Like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I want to, Like I want him to succeed, you know,

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Speaker 2: of course, But flipping gears I was going through This

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Speaker 2: is just a really sad and I'm just going to

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Speaker 2: read this because I can't say who was from. But

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Speaker 2: so I had the one abuser and then I had

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Speaker 2: a few after and this one that I was with

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Speaker 2: for a while. I was reading a text message that

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Speaker 2: I sent and I'm like, this is just makes me

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Speaker 2: really sad and I just want to say one time

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Speaker 2: is too many. This is a text message is sent

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Speaker 2: to an abuser, okay, and I was reading it last

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Speaker 2: night and I'm like, this is just so messed up,

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Speaker 2: because again, one time of someone putting their hands on

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Speaker 2: you is one time too many. So this is like

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Speaker 2: my arm is now bruised. Also it hurts, as does

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Speaker 2: my throat. I understand you wanted your one day to relax,

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Speaker 2: but you did not have to put your hands on me.

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Speaker 2: And I know you said you didn't put your hands

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Speaker 2: on me hard, but you did and you know you

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Speaker 2: did and then made it hurt harder.

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Speaker 4: You know.

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Speaker 2: I don't like that. And I told you to never

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Speaker 2: put your hands on me again, and you have done

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Speaker 2: it one too much many times and I'm done. I

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Speaker 2: will not allow you to put your hands on me again.

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Speaker 2: Question is did I allow him to put his hands

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Speaker 2: on me again?

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Speaker 3: Yes? Yes, It's just messed up.

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Speaker 2: And I'm reading this and I'm like when they're like

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Speaker 2: they say you I know, and I know, and I

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Speaker 2: know you said you didn't put your hands on me

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Speaker 2: hard Like that part, I was like, they make you

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Speaker 2: believe they're like, well, it's not like I did it hard.

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Speaker 3: It doesn't fucking matter.

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Speaker 2: You puts your hands on me, and then I allow

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Speaker 2: it again and again and again and again. So here

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Speaker 2: is the episode to not it's like I say that

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Speaker 2: because it's like I'm always like, oh, because you guys

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Speaker 2: could say one time is too many, But until you

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Speaker 2: are in that situation, it's hard to get out because they.

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Speaker 3: Actually grew up in that situation.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but we have a survivor coming on Nilly and

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Speaker 2: then we can all share. I want to hear more

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Speaker 2: of that story as well. So let's take a break

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Speaker 2: and then get an Illiam. Hi, Hi, Hi, thank you

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Speaker 2: so much for coming on. We have a mutual friend,

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Speaker 2: I believe, and I really wanted to make sure we

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Speaker 2: had a survivor come on the show and talk about

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Speaker 2: their experience and to anyone that's listening or that knows

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Speaker 2: someone that is going through any of this, that they

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Speaker 2: you know, ways to get out, help and just to

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Speaker 2: know that they're not alone in it. So would you

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Speaker 2: mind sharing a piece of your story with us?

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Speaker 4: Of course? I mean I don't even know where to start.

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Speaker 5: It's I think back on it now and I'm like

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Speaker 5: Oh my gosh. So I met my ex husband at seventeen,

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Speaker 5: tried to date me different avenues. He would just show

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Speaker 5: up places, which was interesting now looking back on it.

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Speaker 5: Started dating him right after high school and he was

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Speaker 5: twenty five and I was eighteen, and then it was

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Speaker 5: the stereotypical love bombing, so you know, told me he

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Speaker 5: loved me. After ten days, he was going to marry me.

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Speaker 5: Gave me a key to his place, took me on

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Speaker 5: lavish dates, bought me lavish gifts.

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Speaker 4: Was going to give me the world.

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Speaker 5: Met his family like very fast, which is very It's

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Speaker 5: not very common for my culture to meet a family

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Speaker 5: that quickly and talk about getting married. It's a really

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Speaker 5: big deal when you bring someone into your family as a.

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Speaker 3: What is your boyfriend ethnicity?

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Speaker 5: I'm Persian Iranian, so at least for my family, it's

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Speaker 5: a very big deal. So when you bring someone in,

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Speaker 5: it's pretty much like you're going to get married to

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Speaker 5: this person, or at least you have that. You kind

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Speaker 5: of have that pressure because you don't you don't bring

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Speaker 5: people in like that. So he was very adamant to

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Speaker 5: meet my parents. So it happened very quickly, and then

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Speaker 5: we dated and then The abuse started probably about seven months.

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Speaker 5: In six seven months.

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Speaker 2: In what was the first signs of abuse, Like what

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Speaker 2: did you start to start to witness?

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Speaker 4: So there was a lot of possessiveness.

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Speaker 5: I had to change my number because he didn't want

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Speaker 5: anyone else, like any guys or anyone contacting me that

398
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Speaker 5: I knew, Like he didn't like me talking to I

399
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Speaker 5: wasn't allowed to talk to any guys. Didn't about any

400
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Speaker 5: friends I had, I wasn't allowed to talk to them.

401
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Speaker 5: I had to cut them off. It was very hard

402
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Speaker 5: for me to like go out with my friends. Everything

403
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Speaker 5: was with him I had. I saw him almost every day.

404
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Speaker 5: He started putting me down, like, oh, you need to

405
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Speaker 5: get your face lasered, you have like care, like you

406
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Speaker 5: need to go do this. So a lot of like

407
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Speaker 5: small little things about putting me down about the way

408
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Speaker 5: I dressed. Wanted my hair to be black. It had

409
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Speaker 5: to be black black, and if it wasn't black enough,

410
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Speaker 5: like why isn't it black? Why isn't it black? So

411
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Speaker 5: all those little things started happening, and then it was

412
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Speaker 5: like the control. Couldn't couldn't do things without him. I

413
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Speaker 5: couldn't go on girls' trips. It's very hard for me

414
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Speaker 5: to get away, so it became very intertwined in my

415
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Speaker 5: life and I had there was a lot of mental

416
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Speaker 5: and emotional abuse as the years progressed, and then the

417
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Speaker 5: physical abuse was very sporadic and very almost calculated, to

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Speaker 5: the point he knew kind of not to do it

419
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Speaker 5: hard enough to bruise me, or he knew kind of

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Speaker 5: he kind of knew what he was doing, so he

421
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Speaker 5: was very calculated in my opinion. But he bought a

422
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Speaker 5: house to you know, four years into the relationship, he

423
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Speaker 5: bought a house two houses down from my parents and

424
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Speaker 5: thought it was a great idea and we weren't even engaged,

425
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Speaker 5: so he had eyes on me all the time, and

426
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Speaker 5: looking back on it now, I didn't think much of it,

427
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Speaker 5: but now looking back in hindsight, I just felt like

428
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Speaker 5: he trapped me in a way where it was very

429
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Speaker 5: hard for me to leave him or break up with him.

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Speaker 5: And you know, I feel like, in hindsight, I was

431
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Speaker 5: groomed as well at a very young age to be

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Speaker 5: a certain way for him and to be a certain

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Speaker 5: in his eyes, like I want her to be this way,

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Speaker 5: so I'm going to groom her into what I want

435
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:43,280
Speaker 5: and kind of make her. Honestly, I felt like I

436
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:48,240
Speaker 5: was a slave. So I ended up working for him.

437
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:53,240
Speaker 5: We got engaged, got married, and I just felt very

438
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:57,639
Speaker 5: trapped in that relationship. I feel like I knew I

439
00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:00,479
Speaker 5: shouldn't marry him, but because of my culture and my

440
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:05,560
Speaker 5: parents and everyone intertwined, I felt very stuck. So it

441
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:09,120
Speaker 5: was almost like harder to leave because I didn't want

442
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,359
Speaker 5: to be shamed because he had been around my family

443
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,400
Speaker 5: for almost five years at that point.

444
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,399
Speaker 3: Did your family ever see any of the abuse?

445
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:20,960
Speaker 4: No? I kept it very quiet. Was it was very

446
00:21:22,359 --> 00:21:22,840
Speaker 4: some people?

447
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:26,920
Speaker 2: I mean no, I think for me it's hard because

448
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:34,040
Speaker 2: I didn't really tell my friends what was going on.

449
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,760
Speaker 2: I mean, I definitely didn't tell. So my first abuser

450
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:42,639
Speaker 2: when I was nineteen and I had just been strangled

451
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:45,679
Speaker 2: by him, and I went to the only friend that

452
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:49,080
Speaker 2: I had at that time because he completely just isolated

453
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,040
Speaker 2: me from everyone. But I went to her house and

454
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:55,639
Speaker 2: she was the only friend that was like, are you

455
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,920
Speaker 2: texting him? Because if you are, She's like, you have

456
00:21:59,040 --> 00:21:59,480
Speaker 2: to leave.

457
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:00,000
Speaker 3: I can't.

458
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,840
Speaker 2: I can't see you continue to be with this man

459
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:07,600
Speaker 2: and be treated this way. And you know, I think

460
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:09,600
Speaker 2: always back to that time because I'm like you know,

461
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:13,840
Speaker 2: she was the first one to really call out the behavior,

462
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,560
Speaker 2: and you know, I ended up leaving that. I ended

463
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,800
Speaker 2: up leaving her house because he was sending me photos

464
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:22,440
Speaker 2: of my dog on the one or on the one

465
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,119
Speaker 2: or one freeway or the four or five, I can't remember,

466
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,840
Speaker 2: of saying if you don't come back, I'm letting the

467
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:34,560
Speaker 2: dogs go on the expressway. So I obviously left and

468
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:35,320
Speaker 2: I went.

469
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:38,560
Speaker 3: Back to his place. But when I was.

470
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:46,800
Speaker 2: Abused years later and in a long relationship, I hid

471
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,000
Speaker 2: those bruises, even though a mutual friend of ours saw

472
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,639
Speaker 2: a very very deep bruise on my arm, to which

473
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:59,520
Speaker 2: my abuser always said, well, you bruise easily. I just

474
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,040
Speaker 2: you know, or the big sweatshirts, and I mean I

475
00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:06,520
Speaker 2: even have if someone was to go back on a carpet,

476
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:11,040
Speaker 2: they would see a bruise on my arm, and I

477
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,160
Speaker 2: I just I didn't tell anyone, and I didn't say

478
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:18,320
Speaker 2: anything because I was so made to believe that it

479
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:26,119
Speaker 2: was my fault or it resulted his actions resulted was

480
00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:28,399
Speaker 2: a result because of what I did, and that's what

481
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:30,920
Speaker 2: I was made to believe. So you know, why would

482
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:34,359
Speaker 2: I want to tell, you know, our mutual friend or

483
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,600
Speaker 2: like when he saw the bruises, I mean he didn't

484
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:40,119
Speaker 2: even I mean I think he probably had a little inclination,

485
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:43,359
Speaker 2: but you know, he didn't, he didn't say anything, and

486
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:47,960
Speaker 2: so but yeah, I just I feel like I didn't

487
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:51,200
Speaker 2: say anything because I was also like, well, it must

488
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,359
Speaker 2: be my fault. I must deserve this, which was the

489
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:56,399
Speaker 2: biggest piece for me in therapy, the last rock for

490
00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,560
Speaker 2: me to basically throw in the stream because I thought

491
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:02,720
Speaker 2: that's but I truly deserved. I thought I deserved abuse,

492
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:07,199
Speaker 2: and after years of having that abuse, how could I

493
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:07,760
Speaker 2: not think that.

494
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:11,120
Speaker 5: Yeah, I think internally I felt like whenever I did

495
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,919
Speaker 5: get abure, like I was yelled at or whatever he did,

496
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:16,040
Speaker 5: I always felt like, oh.

497
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:16,879
Speaker 4: Gosh, I must have done it.

498
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:19,160
Speaker 5: I felt internally I did something wrong, Like he made

499
00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:22,600
Speaker 5: me believe that I did something that I deserve that,

500
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:24,760
Speaker 5: And that's how I pretty much was.

501
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,280
Speaker 4: That's my mile, was my mindset throughout the relationship.

502
00:24:29,359 --> 00:24:32,439
Speaker 5: So I do remember when I did final lately, my

503
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:35,359
Speaker 5: best friend was like, I don't know how I didn't

504
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:35,760
Speaker 5: see it.

505
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:39,439
Speaker 4: She's like, you just you kept it so well put together.

506
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:43,639
Speaker 5: Your house was immaculate, You were immaculate, the kids, the food,

507
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:45,360
Speaker 5: that anytime you have guessed. I mean, she's like, I

508
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:50,600
Speaker 5: can't believe I let that pass by me. But yeah,

509
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,280
Speaker 5: I think it was a lot of just like the

510
00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:57,159
Speaker 5: shame of one people not believing me, two afraid of

511
00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:01,879
Speaker 5: his reaction, and three he would react and then if

512
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,080
Speaker 5: I didn't get out, I'd be stuck with that and

513
00:25:04,119 --> 00:25:06,359
Speaker 5: then how do I how do I manage that?

514
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:08,840
Speaker 4: At that point? Will he hurt me more? Will he?

515
00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,640
Speaker 5: It's almost like you're scared to tell anyone because if

516
00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:15,160
Speaker 5: you can't get out of it, you're stuck. You're stuck

517
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,359
Speaker 5: with it, and then you have to kind of figure

518
00:25:17,359 --> 00:25:18,160
Speaker 5: it out.

519
00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:20,479
Speaker 3: Did your kids ever see the abuse?

520
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:25,920
Speaker 4: Yeah, my kids were actually abused as well as you have.

521
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:27,919
Speaker 4: Is where I have two boys.

522
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:30,880
Speaker 5: But that is the strength, that is where I got

523
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:33,600
Speaker 5: my strength, to be honest, when I started seeing.

524
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,840
Speaker 3: Makes that's fair.

525
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:43,320
Speaker 5: When I saw the abuse to my children and I

526
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,600
Speaker 5: looked at them and I was like, I can't let

527
00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,160
Speaker 5: them down, Like I cannot let this happen to them,

528
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:51,920
Speaker 5: and I need to break the cycle because I don't

529
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:56,040
Speaker 5: want them to become him. And that is you know,

530
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:58,440
Speaker 5: there is moments my son let youngest son, you know,

531
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,400
Speaker 5: they've been through a lot of therapy. My youngest son

532
00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:05,200
Speaker 5: was abused more than my oldest, and he remembers it.

533
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,520
Speaker 5: He doesn't see his father right now, he hasn't seen

534
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:12,440
Speaker 5: him for eleven months, but he saw it. I used

535
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:14,720
Speaker 5: to hover over him because I didn't want him to

536
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,000
Speaker 5: get hit by the belt. So I got hit by

537
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:21,080
Speaker 5: the belt. And he remembers those moments because they were

538
00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:26,320
Speaker 5: so traumatic. And I think for me, it's just that

539
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,879
Speaker 5: is where I got my strength, is the boys and

540
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,520
Speaker 5: just looking at them and being like, I brought them

541
00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:34,280
Speaker 5: into this world with this monster, and I have a

542
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:38,200
Speaker 5: responsibility to at least save them or at least get

543
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:39,960
Speaker 5: them out of this so they have a fair chance

544
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,040
Speaker 5: in life. And that is where my strength came from,

545
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:45,200
Speaker 5: to be honest, because I don't know if I could

546
00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:46,760
Speaker 5: have done it if I didn't have childre like, I

547
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:48,560
Speaker 5: don't know if I would have ever gotten out.

548
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:53,480
Speaker 3: Is the pivotal moment for you? Is that the pivotal moment,

549
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:56,439
Speaker 3: the belt moment? When you go back to that or

550
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:58,600
Speaker 3: do you remember? You know? Sometimes I think when we're

551
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:03,960
Speaker 3: in these really wildly unfair intense situations, there's this almost

552
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,600
Speaker 3: odd of body moment that we have where we're like,

553
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:10,000
Speaker 3: what is happening and how do I get out of this?

554
00:27:11,119 --> 00:27:13,040
Speaker 3: Was there ever that moment for you? What was the

555
00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:16,840
Speaker 3: pivotal moment if you can pinpoint one. I mean, I'm

556
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:19,439
Speaker 3: sure it was a collectioner, but there usually comes with

557
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,520
Speaker 3: some sort of like awakening where you're just like, like

558
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:24,640
Speaker 3: you just said, yeah, I can't let them be like him.

559
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:27,879
Speaker 5: So I had three, and I know every I have

560
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,640
Speaker 5: three very pivotal moments that all happened back to back

561
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:35,080
Speaker 5: to back. The first one was CPS knocked on my

562
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:40,359
Speaker 5: door and someone anonymously had called because they were so

563
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:43,840
Speaker 5: afraid that me and the kids were in danger. That

564
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:47,600
Speaker 5: was one moment where I was like, holy cow, someone

565
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:52,280
Speaker 5: is seeing this happening and that they're afraid, and that's

566
00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:55,159
Speaker 5: what I was like, Wow, yay someone saw it. Was

567
00:27:55,359 --> 00:27:58,040
Speaker 5: almost like, oh my gosh, thank god, someone is seeing

568
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:00,480
Speaker 5: this right. But in the moment home and I was

569
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:04,160
Speaker 5: so afraid of CPS that.

570
00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:06,760
Speaker 4: I didn't know how to handle it. So that was one.

571
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:10,199
Speaker 5: Number two was Father's Day weekend the same year that

572
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:13,200
Speaker 5: I left, which was in June. There was a soccer

573
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:16,040
Speaker 5: tournament and he was the only dad that didn't go

574
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:20,040
Speaker 5: and I took the kids and there was a moment

575
00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,120
Speaker 5: where all the dad stood with the kids to take

576
00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:26,320
Speaker 5: a picture, and my son comes to me and goes, mom.

577
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,200
Speaker 5: He like, I'm the only one without a dad.

578
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:29,239
Speaker 4: What do I do?

579
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:33,240
Speaker 5: And I looked and he'd intentionally not wanted to come.

580
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:37,680
Speaker 5: He wanted to stay home and do whatever he was doing.

581
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:39,320
Speaker 5: So I looked at my son and I was like,

582
00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:42,440
Speaker 5: it's okay, honey, you just go stand next to your friend.

583
00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:44,720
Speaker 5: But I was like, this is not how I want

584
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:46,920
Speaker 5: to raise my children. One, you're not a good father,

585
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,000
Speaker 5: You're abusive. But now your son is like feeling this

586
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:53,520
Speaker 5: feeling of like your presence not being here, and he's

587
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:57,240
Speaker 5: he's feeling it at this age. And then the third

588
00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:00,000
Speaker 5: was when I got strangled, and that was when I decided.

589
00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:02,400
Speaker 5: I felt like my life flashed before my eyes and

590
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:04,720
Speaker 5: I was like, I'm if I don't leave, I'm gonna

591
00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:07,400
Speaker 5: die or one of my children are gonna is gonna

592
00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:09,640
Speaker 5: end up dead. And then I felt like I had

593
00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:15,040
Speaker 5: some premonitions. I just kept seeing something really bad happening,

594
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:16,760
Speaker 5: and I just was like, I can't stay.

595
00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:17,400
Speaker 4: I have to go.

596
00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:21,600
Speaker 5: And that is the day I decided I'm done, but

597
00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:23,960
Speaker 5: it all happened. They all happened very back to back.

598
00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:26,520
Speaker 5: It was like May, June, July.

599
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:30,040
Speaker 3: Is there alcohol or drugs involved with him at all?

600
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:31,000
Speaker 3: At this point?

601
00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:35,120
Speaker 4: Alcohol? Yesh, drugs.

602
00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:37,040
Speaker 3: I don't know.

603
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:43,400
Speaker 2: What's interesting is neither was my first one was alcohol,

604
00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:48,600
Speaker 2: but like not not super drunk. The other one no, none,

605
00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:50,400
Speaker 2: not a stitch of drugs or alcohol.

606
00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:53,320
Speaker 5: And that's funny you say that it was alcohol, but

607
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:56,320
Speaker 5: it was always like one drink and I was like,

608
00:29:56,560 --> 00:30:00,520
Speaker 5: how is he turning into this bipolar monster with wine drink?

609
00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:03,560
Speaker 5: And I'm looking at him and I'm like, oh my goodness.

610
00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:05,760
Speaker 5: And I also always called it the Friday night, the

611
00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:08,280
Speaker 5: Friday nights. It was a Friday nights where I was

612
00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:10,160
Speaker 5: always on edge because that was the night he had

613
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:13,520
Speaker 5: his drink. That was the night that everything would happen.

614
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:17,360
Speaker 5: So Friday nights, I was very cautious not to bite

615
00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:21,280
Speaker 5: people over, not to make plans. I was very very

616
00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:24,400
Speaker 5: cautious of that day because every Friday night was something.

617
00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:27,400
Speaker 5: Every it would always pop off on a Friday, and

618
00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:31,280
Speaker 5: I just I just Fridays became like stay home, get

619
00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:32,840
Speaker 5: the kids to bed, go to my parents, like do

620
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:35,640
Speaker 5: something where I'm not in the presence of him, because

621
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:39,920
Speaker 5: there was always an episode on a Friday. So it's

622
00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:42,200
Speaker 5: interesting though that you say it was not like he

623
00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:45,880
Speaker 5: was drunk. It was like one drink maybe two, and

624
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:49,120
Speaker 5: I would be like, why is he acting like how

625
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:50,720
Speaker 5: is he acting like this after one drink?

626
00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:08,160
Speaker 1: So tell us about when you decided to leave and

627
00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:09,040
Speaker 1: how that went.

628
00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:14,040
Speaker 5: So I was strangled the evening of July third of

629
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:18,360
Speaker 5: twenty nineteen, and that's when I had my awakening. I

630
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:22,680
Speaker 5: woke up and I remember just thinking like, how am

631
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:23,520
Speaker 5: I going to get out of here?

632
00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:24,760
Speaker 4: How am I going to leave? How am I going

633
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:25,520
Speaker 4: to tell my parents?

634
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:28,040
Speaker 5: So the first step I did, the first thing I

635
00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:30,480
Speaker 5: had to do was tell my parents everything.

636
00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:32,280
Speaker 4: Which was very difficult.

637
00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:34,160
Speaker 3: Did they believe you?

638
00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:35,720
Speaker 4: They did?

639
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:40,280
Speaker 5: Yeah, and I was They did, and my mom was like,

640
00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:44,160
Speaker 5: this is We're getting you out. We're done, you know.

641
00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:47,640
Speaker 5: My dad was still hopeful, like, let's you know, it's

642
00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:52,040
Speaker 5: a tradition, the culture, the Persian you know, kind of

643
00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:54,240
Speaker 5: like let's work through this, Let's see how we can,

644
00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:57,120
Speaker 5: let's see if we can talk to him, and let's

645
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:57,880
Speaker 5: see what I'm like.

646
00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:02,880
Speaker 4: Dad like, no, there's no fixing this. I'm done. So

647
00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:04,440
Speaker 4: that was the struggle with my dad.

648
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:07,080
Speaker 3: But were they shocked when you told them?

649
00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:12,680
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, my mom was like what, like he put

650
00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:13,440
Speaker 4: his hands on you?

651
00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:16,280
Speaker 5: Like they were like they they I think they were

652
00:32:16,320 --> 00:32:20,040
Speaker 5: getting the gist of the him not being a good

653
00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:22,800
Speaker 5: dad to the kids and him being kind of.

654
00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:25,040
Speaker 4: Verbally abusive here and there.

655
00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:27,440
Speaker 5: My mom saw a few episodes with him, you know,

656
00:32:27,440 --> 00:32:29,320
Speaker 5: he didn't get along with his family. They were they

657
00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:33,160
Speaker 5: were watching, so the shock was there, but they were

658
00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:36,360
Speaker 5: almost they were more shocked at the physical abuse, like

659
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:41,440
Speaker 5: the strangle, the strangulation that happened. I think they were

660
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:44,440
Speaker 5: almost relieved. My mom was almost relieved. But it was

661
00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:47,760
Speaker 5: very hard for them. It was not easy, and I

662
00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:50,600
Speaker 5: had to do everything under behind closed doors, Like I

663
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:52,920
Speaker 5: was to hire an attorney, like I had to borrow

664
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:53,880
Speaker 5: money from my dad.

665
00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:56,360
Speaker 4: I couldn't have him find out I was talking to an attorney.

666
00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:59,120
Speaker 5: I had to I almost had to fake it to

667
00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:03,400
Speaker 5: keep it like calm, like you know, my parents tried

668
00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:04,160
Speaker 5: to talk to him.

669
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:07,200
Speaker 4: He admitted everything to my parents. He wanted to go

670
00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:07,800
Speaker 4: to therapy.

671
00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:10,600
Speaker 5: So I kind of had to like really keep it,

672
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:12,520
Speaker 5: like let's try to make this work out, like I

673
00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:15,160
Speaker 5: didn't want to, Like he could not find out I

674
00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:16,959
Speaker 5: had an attorney. I didn't know what he would do,

675
00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:21,000
Speaker 5: and because I needed the restraining order, so I was

676
00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:24,800
Speaker 5: very I was on eggshells trying to figure it out

677
00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:25,520
Speaker 5: and maneuver it.

678
00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:27,160
Speaker 4: And it was scary. I had the kids.

679
00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:29,720
Speaker 5: I think I'd moved out and I was with my

680
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:31,440
Speaker 5: parents for a while. I told him I didn't want

681
00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:33,760
Speaker 5: to live with him because of what he did. So

682
00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:36,760
Speaker 5: I walked across the street and lived with my parents

683
00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:39,600
Speaker 5: with the kids. I took the kids with a law.

684
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:44,239
Speaker 5: It was like, very very difficult. It was I. I

685
00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:46,920
Speaker 5: was just scared because I was like, what's going to

686
00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:49,160
Speaker 5: happen if he finds out before I serve him in

687
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,520
Speaker 5: the papers, before I get the restraining order? What if

688
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:53,760
Speaker 5: I don't get the restraining order? Then what is he

689
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:55,600
Speaker 5: going to do? Like it was very scary.

690
00:33:56,320 --> 00:33:58,200
Speaker 3: Do you have a restraining order in place now?

691
00:33:58,760 --> 00:33:59,080
Speaker 4: Yeah?

692
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:03,000
Speaker 5: So the time from the day I served him, which

693
00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:06,480
Speaker 5: was I believed August nineteenth of twenty nineteen, was when

694
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:08,920
Speaker 5: I served, like, gave the paperwork in but I got

695
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:13,040
Speaker 5: awarded the no contact restraining order and since then I've

696
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:16,480
Speaker 5: had it and I got it awarded on October twenty

697
00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:21,680
Speaker 5: eighth of twenty twenty two, a five year restraining or

698
00:34:21,719 --> 00:34:23,799
Speaker 5: three year restraint, a five year restraining order. And then

699
00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:26,560
Speaker 5: I also got a three year restraining order just recently

700
00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:29,000
Speaker 5: through the County of Santa Clara because he was charged

701
00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:32,000
Speaker 5: through the county through our county as well.

702
00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:35,560
Speaker 2: And then your son, one of your sons isn't seeing him,

703
00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:38,200
Speaker 2: but what do the other one? Does he see him?

704
00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:39,400
Speaker 2: And how does that work.

705
00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:44,160
Speaker 5: With So the no contact was awarded both for myself

706
00:34:44,239 --> 00:34:47,120
Speaker 5: and the children through the family through family court.

707
00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:49,440
Speaker 3: And he's trying to sue you know, right.

708
00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:54,640
Speaker 5: Yeah, I mean, he's constantly coming after me for getting

709
00:34:54,680 --> 00:34:58,200
Speaker 5: more time. But the kids have had supervision almost the

710
00:34:58,440 --> 00:35:02,760
Speaker 5: entire time through my dad did it in the beginning

711
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,440
Speaker 5: to keep it cool. Then him and my dad had

712
00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:10,759
Speaker 5: an altercation, so then we had a professional supervisor. Then

713
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:14,400
Speaker 5: this professional supervisor had an altercation with him. He almost

714
00:35:14,719 --> 00:35:16,759
Speaker 5: I mean he almost got in a fight with him

715
00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:21,759
Speaker 5: in front of the kids. Then we went to therapeutic supervision,

716
00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:24,680
Speaker 5: and that's been what's been going on for the last

717
00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:28,399
Speaker 5: two years, I think. But there's a therapeutic supervisor there

718
00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:31,360
Speaker 5: for the visitation and right now my oldest son is

719
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:35,880
Speaker 5: only seeing him two hours a month with a supervisor.

720
00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:37,759
Speaker 3: And he wants to see him.

721
00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:40,280
Speaker 4: I assume my older son.

722
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:44,640
Speaker 5: Yes, there's a very different dynamic between my oldest and

723
00:35:44,719 --> 00:35:45,280
Speaker 5: my youngest.

724
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:48,880
Speaker 3: Sure, And how old is your oldest fourteen?

725
00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:55,040
Speaker 2: What is your belief about yourself now going through the

726
00:35:55,080 --> 00:35:57,479
Speaker 2: domestic violence and everything that you went through.

727
00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:01,640
Speaker 5: So in the moment of it, I would say, why me,

728
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:05,839
Speaker 5: Why is this happening? And never understood why I ended

729
00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:10,839
Speaker 5: up with this man, why I made the decisions I.

730
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:12,959
Speaker 4: Made, Why it took me so long?

731
00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:16,439
Speaker 5: And then I realized recently, I think in the last

732
00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:18,600
Speaker 5: year or two, I feel like it was my I

733
00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:22,759
Speaker 5: feel like it's my purpose. I feel like because I

734
00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:25,839
Speaker 5: went through what I did and the horrificness of it,

735
00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:29,440
Speaker 5: and even now the post separation abuse, I feel like

736
00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:32,600
Speaker 5: I was supposed to go through this to be.

737
00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:33,920
Speaker 4: A voice for others.

738
00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:37,840
Speaker 5: And I truly believe that, I truly believe my circumstances,

739
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:43,239
Speaker 5: my experience, and the craziness of it all was meant

740
00:36:43,239 --> 00:36:47,640
Speaker 5: to happen so that I can create a platform and

741
00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:51,120
Speaker 5: be a voice for women all around the world. And

742
00:36:51,360 --> 00:36:56,759
Speaker 5: I've started a jewelry company with a platform for women empowerment,

743
00:36:57,000 --> 00:36:59,600
Speaker 5: and I'm doing everything I can to just get my

744
00:36:59,719 --> 00:37:03,560
Speaker 5: store out after six years. I've it's almost been six

745
00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:07,200
Speaker 5: years since I left, and I finally feel strong enough

746
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:10,480
Speaker 5: and ready and feel like I'm ready to use my

747
00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:12,320
Speaker 5: voice for a greater purpose.

748
00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:17,920
Speaker 2: That's that's a beautiful place. I feel like there's because

749
00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:22,560
Speaker 2: for me, my struggle has been the abuser's voice has

750
00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:26,200
Speaker 2: always been louder than my own voice, and so I've

751
00:37:26,239 --> 00:37:28,840
Speaker 2: been so quiet about certain things because I'm like, well,

752
00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:32,880
Speaker 2: that happened. He pushed me, and that happened because of X.

753
00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:35,560
Speaker 2: I'll always go to the where he would place the

754
00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:39,040
Speaker 2: blame on me, and so then I just go, well,

755
00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:42,839
Speaker 2: it was it was okay, or it was fine, or

756
00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:46,360
Speaker 2: he did this because of because I did this, or

757
00:37:46,400 --> 00:37:50,400
Speaker 2: because you know I said this or whatever. And so

758
00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:53,719
Speaker 2: I think that has been like the piece that I've

759
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:57,560
Speaker 2: struggled with posts even sharing certain things, because I'm like, well,

760
00:37:58,000 --> 00:37:59,480
Speaker 2: I still like sometimes their.

761
00:37:59,400 --> 00:38:00,839
Speaker 3: Voice is louder than.

762
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:04,000
Speaker 2: All of it, and so then I just kind of

763
00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:07,680
Speaker 2: shy shy away from it, which is not the right

764
00:38:07,719 --> 00:38:09,960
Speaker 2: thing to do, right because you want to help other women.

765
00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:12,440
Speaker 2: So what would be your advice to someone that wants

766
00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:14,600
Speaker 2: to get out, that is trying to get out of something,

767
00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:17,000
Speaker 2: but yet they hear the abuser's voice in their head

768
00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:17,799
Speaker 2: louder than their own.

769
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,120
Speaker 5: It's really hard to say this, but it's just to

770
00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:25,080
Speaker 5: take a leap and don't be afraid because the nightmare

771
00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:28,600
Speaker 5: you're living and now, like, whatever you do to move

772
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:30,759
Speaker 5: forward is going to be better than where you are.

773
00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:33,600
Speaker 5: So I always tell my I mean, I've helped few

774
00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:37,160
Speaker 5: women and I tell them, listen, what you're going through.

775
00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:40,200
Speaker 5: Now you see how horrible it is. Now think you're

776
00:38:40,239 --> 00:38:42,320
Speaker 5: out of it, and what is the worst that can happen?

777
00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:44,759
Speaker 5: Like if you really think if it's a financial part

778
00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:47,840
Speaker 5: you're scared of, if it's you know, not having you

779
00:38:47,920 --> 00:38:49,720
Speaker 5: know you already don't have your friends because he's already

780
00:38:49,719 --> 00:38:53,360
Speaker 5: secluded you, Like, what is it? And to really navigate

781
00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:54,719
Speaker 5: what is it that you're afraid of?

782
00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:55,600
Speaker 4: What is it?

783
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:57,600
Speaker 5: What are your most afraid of? And then how to

784
00:38:57,719 --> 00:39:04,080
Speaker 5: navigate that fear and to really try to So I've

785
00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:07,600
Speaker 5: noticed there's a lack of support within a lot of

786
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:10,480
Speaker 5: TV victims that are trying to get out. And I've

787
00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:13,080
Speaker 5: seen that, you know, they get secluded from their abuser

788
00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:16,400
Speaker 5: secludes them number one, so their from network is very small.

789
00:39:17,680 --> 00:39:22,239
Speaker 5: They're afraid because people don't believe them. There's a lack

790
00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:25,480
Speaker 5: of support, and I feel part of my job, I

791
00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:29,239
Speaker 5: want to create a support or something where I can

792
00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:32,600
Speaker 5: these women can feel safe or they need to talk

793
00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:34,560
Speaker 5: to someone to because it just takes a little bit

794
00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:37,400
Speaker 5: of confidence, a little bit of I believe in myself,

795
00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:39,239
Speaker 5: a little bit like I can do this. And I

796
00:39:39,239 --> 00:39:41,520
Speaker 5: feel like if they have that, that is the biggest

797
00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:44,560
Speaker 5: step that they have to take to get beyond that fear.

798
00:39:46,520 --> 00:39:48,160
Speaker 5: And I think that was what it was for me.

799
00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:50,799
Speaker 5: It was a lot of fear. And I think if

800
00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:55,200
Speaker 5: we can help navigate that fear and just to believe

801
00:39:55,239 --> 00:39:57,080
Speaker 5: in yourself and to be like this, you're going to

802
00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:00,680
Speaker 5: be okay. And I think that's where I that's where

803
00:40:00,719 --> 00:40:03,600
Speaker 5: I see it for most victims is the fear of

804
00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:06,320
Speaker 5: the unknown, like what's going to happen next?

805
00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:08,719
Speaker 4: And how can I support that?

806
00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:11,360
Speaker 2: It's so hard when you're in it, But it's like

807
00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:14,480
Speaker 2: to Christen's point, it's like I always remember each moment

808
00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:18,719
Speaker 2: was my like okay, I'm out, you know, the night

809
00:40:18,760 --> 00:40:21,200
Speaker 2: of being strangled, or you know, writing in my diary,

810
00:40:21,200 --> 00:40:23,080
Speaker 2: I think he's going to kill me, Like having those

811
00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:27,880
Speaker 2: moments like okay, I either have to get out or

812
00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:30,360
Speaker 2: this guy guy's going to kill me. So it's just

813
00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:33,200
Speaker 2: there's always that that moment you go back to you're like,

814
00:40:33,200 --> 00:40:35,120
Speaker 2: all right, now is the time.

815
00:40:35,160 --> 00:40:36,040
Speaker 3: But it's it's hard.

816
00:40:36,080 --> 00:40:39,719
Speaker 2: And you know the women that I mean, watch the

817
00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:43,160
Speaker 2: things on freaking Netflix and how the guy kills you know,

818
00:40:43,239 --> 00:40:45,520
Speaker 2: the girlfriend or the wife or and it's just it's all,

819
00:40:45,560 --> 00:40:46,760
Speaker 2: it's just awful.

820
00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:51,440
Speaker 3: I think it's also worth really noting how slow it starts.

821
00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:56,640
Speaker 3: Like I think the misconception is that it's just one hundred,

822
00:40:56,840 --> 00:40:59,680
Speaker 3: you know, zero to one hundred and like five minutes.

823
00:40:59,719 --> 00:41:03,000
Speaker 3: But and sometimes that is the case, but in cases

824
00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:05,799
Speaker 3: like you and cases that I've known really intimately in

825
00:41:05,840 --> 00:41:11,080
Speaker 3: my life, it's such a slow chip away. It's the isolation,

826
00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:17,280
Speaker 3: it's the control of phone finances, free time, what you're wearing,

827
00:41:17,480 --> 00:41:20,960
Speaker 3: how you look like. It's just so slow that I

828
00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:25,160
Speaker 3: that it's and so calculated that it's hard for anyone

829
00:41:25,239 --> 00:41:27,920
Speaker 3: to even really know that there may be even fully

830
00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:31,719
Speaker 3: in it because it's such a gradual change.

831
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:34,880
Speaker 4: Yeah, it is. It's scary. It's almost scary.

832
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:37,520
Speaker 5: How slow and gradual it is, and then it's by

833
00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:41,240
Speaker 5: the time time you're in it, you're like, holy moly,

834
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:44,400
Speaker 5: like and then you have an awakening moment because like

835
00:41:44,480 --> 00:41:46,160
Speaker 5: for me, I was like, I didn't know what love

836
00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:46,880
Speaker 5: bombing was.

837
00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:49,879
Speaker 3: I don't think a lot of us did, or do

838
00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:50,480
Speaker 3: you know.

839
00:41:50,560 --> 00:41:53,319
Speaker 5: Yeah, I didn't know what, you know, narcissists was. I

840
00:41:53,320 --> 00:41:55,920
Speaker 5: didn't know what I didn't know. You know, abuse can

841
00:41:55,960 --> 00:41:59,560
Speaker 5: be emotional and mental financial. Looking back on it now, oh,

842
00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:02,000
Speaker 5: I have to work for him that I wasn't allowed.

843
00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:04,040
Speaker 5: I wanted to go to law school. Nope, we're going

844
00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:05,920
Speaker 5: to start a company and you're gonna work for me.

845
00:42:06,440 --> 00:42:08,720
Speaker 3: And he's two doors down from your parents at this point.

846
00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:11,160
Speaker 3: I mean he really came down.

847
00:42:11,680 --> 00:42:15,160
Speaker 5: He came in strong, and he was logistically yeah, and

848
00:42:15,239 --> 00:42:18,800
Speaker 5: it was to me, I think it's very calculated because

849
00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:20,880
Speaker 5: that is like, and when I look back on it now,

850
00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:23,240
Speaker 5: if I had a boyfriend moved down the street from me, I'd.

851
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:25,359
Speaker 4: Be like, what are you doing? Like are you kidding me?

852
00:42:25,760 --> 00:42:27,719
Speaker 3: Well, even when you say you moved, you know that

853
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:29,600
Speaker 3: you're like I moved in with my parents. I'm thinking,

854
00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:34,359
Speaker 3: bless your brave and bold, nervous system for the feelings,

855
00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:37,680
Speaker 3: because nearly even when you're across the street, I mean

856
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:41,319
Speaker 3: that doesn't there's a little layer of safety because you're

857
00:42:41,360 --> 00:42:43,839
Speaker 3: with your parents, but he's still just right there.

858
00:42:44,280 --> 00:42:47,040
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, I couldn't. I don't think I slept very much.

859
00:42:47,719 --> 00:42:49,880
Speaker 5: I think I was just like, is he gonna barge?

860
00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:52,520
Speaker 5: I mean he's very capable, of course, I like, is

861
00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:53,719
Speaker 5: he gonna barge through?

862
00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:55,479
Speaker 4: Like is I've seen?

863
00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:57,799
Speaker 5: I mean his temper is zero to one hundred, Like

864
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:00,719
Speaker 5: there's I mean, I'm looking I'm thinking now because it's

865
00:43:00,719 --> 00:43:01,840
Speaker 5: all coming back to me because.

866
00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:03,080
Speaker 4: I feel like I've blocked out a lot of it.

867
00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:05,799
Speaker 5: Yeah, but I'm getting when you're speaking, I'm getting these

868
00:43:05,840 --> 00:43:09,920
Speaker 5: like spurts and memories, but they're yeah, so you're I'm thinking,

869
00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:13,200
Speaker 5: like lock the doors, turn on the arm. Like I

870
00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:14,640
Speaker 5: didn't know how to use a gun. I didn't get

871
00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:17,759
Speaker 5: a gun until uh recently learning how to shoot it

872
00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:20,759
Speaker 5: because I live on my own. Now, I'm like, holy moly,

873
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:22,840
Speaker 5: what's going to happen? I remember calling my friends like

874
00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:25,960
Speaker 5: can I have private security? Like how do I manage this?

875
00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:29,080
Speaker 5: But you kind of get into survival mode and you

876
00:43:29,239 --> 00:43:31,560
Speaker 5: kind of just it's I don't know how to explain it,

877
00:43:31,600 --> 00:43:32,920
Speaker 5: but you just have to figure it out and you

878
00:43:32,920 --> 00:43:36,000
Speaker 5: have no other choice, and you're like, I'm just gonna

879
00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:38,080
Speaker 5: figure this out, and I don't know how I'm gonna

880
00:43:38,080 --> 00:43:38,319
Speaker 5: do it.

881
00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:41,320
Speaker 2: But and then even so, like I was just telling

882
00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:44,960
Speaker 2: the girls too, I mean, there's still things that come

883
00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:47,560
Speaker 2: up from when I was nineteen years old, from like

884
00:43:47,600 --> 00:43:51,399
Speaker 2: my first abuser. So it's like, it's crazy how I'm like, God,

885
00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:53,560
Speaker 2: I thought I've already kind of worked through all this,

886
00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:56,160
Speaker 2: but there's moments in life that come up and it's

887
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:58,440
Speaker 2: like it triggers back to that and I'm like, oh

888
00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:00,600
Speaker 2: my god, It's like it stays so much in you.

889
00:44:00,640 --> 00:44:02,400
Speaker 2: It's like it is such a big piece of me

890
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:07,120
Speaker 2: that those times, in those things in my life.

891
00:44:07,160 --> 00:44:09,720
Speaker 5: So yeah, so there's been a lot of post separation

892
00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:12,640
Speaker 5: abuse for me and there still is. So six years

893
00:44:12,680 --> 00:44:15,480
Speaker 5: down the line, I've been out of it, but I've

894
00:44:15,760 --> 00:44:18,520
Speaker 5: had to manage post separation abuse and I still am

895
00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:19,120
Speaker 5: dealing with it.

896
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:22,080
Speaker 4: So it's very it's a daily.

897
00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:25,919
Speaker 5: Thing for me, but I've learned how to just take

898
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:29,359
Speaker 5: it out, put it in a category, and not let

899
00:44:29,400 --> 00:44:33,600
Speaker 5: it affect my everyday life and my friends sometimes look

900
00:44:33,640 --> 00:44:35,680
Speaker 5: at me and they're like, it's a miracle that you

901
00:44:35,760 --> 00:44:38,040
Speaker 5: are out of that life and that you are where

902
00:44:38,080 --> 00:44:40,680
Speaker 5: you are. It's like they don't understand it because they

903
00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:44,440
Speaker 5: knew how or they've seen how crazy he's been acting,

904
00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:47,319
Speaker 5: or have seen it through last six years of the

905
00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:50,680
Speaker 5: things that he's done, how capable he is, and they're just.

906
00:44:50,719 --> 00:44:55,680
Speaker 2: Like, Wow, Yeah, Nillie, where could our listeners if they're

907
00:44:55,719 --> 00:45:01,279
Speaker 2: going through this, where can they reach out to you?

908
00:45:01,640 --> 00:45:05,239
Speaker 2: And you know, because you said you're helping people too.

909
00:45:06,560 --> 00:45:10,200
Speaker 5: So I've created Glory Jewelry, which is actually I'm wearying it.

910
00:45:10,400 --> 00:45:14,160
Speaker 5: It's a butterfly collection that I've launched just in March,

911
00:45:14,239 --> 00:45:17,560
Speaker 5: and it's called set Me Free. So i have my

912
00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:22,719
Speaker 5: Instagram handle which is Glory Jewelry Store, which is a

913
00:45:22,719 --> 00:45:27,239
Speaker 5: platform for women empowerment, and I'm also creating partnerships with

914
00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:30,880
Speaker 5: organizations that can help people that are going through what

915
00:45:30,920 --> 00:45:35,759
Speaker 5: they're going through and trying to create that support and

916
00:45:35,800 --> 00:45:39,239
Speaker 5: that confidence and that just empowering women through it. And

917
00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:43,600
Speaker 5: then also my personal handle which is just Nilly Danesh.

918
00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:47,720
Speaker 5: They can always reach out to me there. I'm very

919
00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:50,080
Speaker 5: I've had a lot of women reach out to me

920
00:45:50,239 --> 00:45:53,600
Speaker 5: on both on both handles, and I'm very open to

921
00:45:53,719 --> 00:45:55,080
Speaker 5: helping and providing support.

922
00:45:55,160 --> 00:45:56,840
Speaker 4: However I can honestly.

923
00:45:57,280 --> 00:46:00,360
Speaker 2: So well, thank you Nilly so much for coming on

924
00:46:00,640 --> 00:46:05,040
Speaker 2: and thank you for having me. If you need help

925
00:46:05,960 --> 00:46:09,840
Speaker 2: or if you know someone, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

926
00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:12,440
Speaker 2: It's one eight hundred and seven nine nine seven two

927
00:46:12,440 --> 00:46:14,520
Speaker 2: three three. Reach out to me, reach out to Nilly,

928
00:46:14,600 --> 00:46:16,719
Speaker 2: reach out to anyone. There's a lot of people that

929
00:46:16,760 --> 00:46:19,560
Speaker 2: I talk to in my DMS about this, and usually

930
00:46:20,280 --> 00:46:23,480
Speaker 2: you know, it's I always say, go to a therapist,

931
00:46:23,520 --> 00:46:26,160
Speaker 2: go to people like that. But there's also you know,

932
00:46:26,560 --> 00:46:28,439
Speaker 2: Nili and I we've been through it, and we can at.

933
00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:30,520
Speaker 4: Least at least guide you try to.

934
00:46:30,480 --> 00:46:31,920
Speaker 2: Try to guide. I mean I can't. I can't ever

935
00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:33,880
Speaker 2: tell someone to do. I'm like, this is my experience,

936
00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:36,000
Speaker 2: this is what I would say. But you know, at

937
00:46:36,040 --> 00:46:39,160
Speaker 2: the end of the day, hopefully the more people you

938
00:46:39,239 --> 00:46:42,160
Speaker 2: talk to will tell you it's not right and you

939
00:46:42,200 --> 00:46:43,719
Speaker 2: know how to tell how to get out.

940
00:46:44,040 --> 00:46:48,120
Speaker 5: And I think sometimes which the National Hotline is great,

941
00:46:48,280 --> 00:46:50,759
Speaker 5: but what I think is sometimes when someone going through

942
00:46:50,880 --> 00:46:54,480
Speaker 5: is speaking to an actual survivor and there's they can

943
00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:58,719
Speaker 5: resonate with you, it's a lot, it's a it's that

944
00:46:58,840 --> 00:47:02,520
Speaker 5: connection almost and I feel like calling a hotline.

945
00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:05,920
Speaker 4: It's hard. You're calling on random hotline and I don't

946
00:47:05,960 --> 00:47:09,240
Speaker 4: discourage it at all. Please do call it. But I'm

947
00:47:09,320 --> 00:47:12,480
Speaker 4: here for that, just one on one connection to just

948
00:47:13,120 --> 00:47:16,080
Speaker 4: guide and support how I can, however that is, and

949
00:47:16,160 --> 00:47:18,320
Speaker 4: not telling you what to do or how you should

950
00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:20,080
Speaker 4: do it, but just kind of guiding you through my

951
00:47:20,080 --> 00:47:20,800
Speaker 4: own experience.

952
00:47:20,840 --> 00:47:23,600
Speaker 2: Like you said, Yeah, well, I'm sorry you had to

953
00:47:23,640 --> 00:47:25,520
Speaker 2: go through what you did, but like you said, you're

954
00:47:25,640 --> 00:47:28,680
Speaker 2: using it for good and the platform and to help

955
00:47:28,760 --> 00:47:30,799
Speaker 2: other people. So thank you Nelly very much for coming

956
00:47:30,840 --> 00:47:33,919
Speaker 2: on sharing your story, you for having me well chat

957
00:47:33,960 --> 00:47:45,600
Speaker 2: Sank you know. Thanks, Okay, bye Gray