1
00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:02,400
Speaker 1: Hey, guys, I'm Kaylee Shore and this is too much

2
00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:18,880
Speaker 1: to say question it out you. Thank you guys so

3
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,080
Speaker 1: much for all the love on Amy. I'm so excited

4
00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:22,560
Speaker 1: that that songs out in the world. If you haven't

5
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:24,919
Speaker 1: checked it out, it's out everywhere you've got music to

6
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,680
Speaker 1: start to Kayla or Amy. The link is going to

7
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:30,400
Speaker 1: be in the info for this podcast, and it's just

8
00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:32,600
Speaker 1: been amazing. It's like literally about to hit three million

9
00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:36,159
Speaker 1: views on TikTok and it's blowing my mind. In the

10
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:39,160
Speaker 1: midst of this single release, I have been dealing with

11
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:43,440
Speaker 1: some pretty dumb personal ship, to be completely honest, and

12
00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:46,720
Speaker 1: it sucked because it's taken away from how happy I

13
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,440
Speaker 1: am about this and how you guys have reacted. So

14
00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:51,559
Speaker 1: I'm going to do what I do on this podcast,

15
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:53,360
Speaker 1: which is treated as my diary, and talk to you

16
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:57,320
Speaker 1: about how I feel. Specifically, I want to talk about

17
00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:03,640
Speaker 1: boundaries because I feel like every six months, Twitter or

18
00:01:04,319 --> 00:01:08,280
Speaker 1: whatever form of social media finds a trendy psychology word

19
00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:13,200
Speaker 1: and uses it to apply to everything. It happened with triggered,

20
00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:16,200
Speaker 1: it happened with toxic, and now it's happening with boundaries,

21
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,840
Speaker 1: and those are all really really important words to apply

22
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:23,960
Speaker 1: to our lives. However, you can very very quickly water

23
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:29,440
Speaker 1: down the meaning or diminish it, like, Okay, let's see, um,

24
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:35,479
Speaker 1: do I get really annoyed when my mother calls me

25
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:38,200
Speaker 1: ten times in a row because I am in the

26
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:41,080
Speaker 1: middle of something, And yes, does that annoy me? Yes?

27
00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:43,840
Speaker 1: Does that trigger me? No, because it doesn't really point

28
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:46,440
Speaker 1: to anything else. I'm just like feel bad because I

29
00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,160
Speaker 1: can't get to the phone and I don't know what

30
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,000
Speaker 1: to do about it, and I just wish that she'd

31
00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:52,000
Speaker 1: understand that if I don't answer on the second time,

32
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:54,360
Speaker 1: I will call her back. But that's like not like

33
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:57,360
Speaker 1: a big thing, so that's not like a trigger. I

34
00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:59,480
Speaker 1: don't really like horror movies, but they don't trigger me

35
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,400
Speaker 1: to go back to some trauma where a man with

36
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:06,040
Speaker 1: a chainsaw was chasing me around, you know. And Toxic

37
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:13,160
Speaker 1: is not someone disagreeing with you. Toxic is somebody who intentionally,

38
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:22,120
Speaker 1: whether it's by malicious intent or neglecting the consequences, manipulates

39
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:25,400
Speaker 1: you and changes how you feel about yourself by carefully

40
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:29,880
Speaker 1: calculated snide remarks, whatever anything like that. Toxic is not

41
00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:31,960
Speaker 1: just something you can say because something didn't work out

42
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:35,200
Speaker 1: with a friend because you guys have differences in beliefs.

43
00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:38,160
Speaker 1: It's just so much deeper than that. And to that

44
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:40,679
Speaker 1: same point, boundaries or not something that you can just

45
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:44,240
Speaker 1: throw around and be like, well, I don't want you

46
00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:47,280
Speaker 1: to do that, So this is a boundary because the

47
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:50,920
Speaker 1: biggest thing that needs to be known about boundaries is

48
00:02:50,919 --> 00:02:55,360
Speaker 1: that they are for me, not against you, so that

49
00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:58,200
Speaker 1: if somebody is setting one, it's for them and it's

50
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:02,360
Speaker 1: not against you. So a good way to think about

51
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,400
Speaker 1: that and wonder if you're setting a boundary or if

52
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:09,480
Speaker 1: you're being controlling is and obviously there's exceptions to every rule.

53
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,960
Speaker 1: Us your discression and talk to your therapist. But this

54
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,760
Speaker 1: is an analogy I found um reading a couple of

55
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,840
Speaker 1: different therapist blogs and it felt really fitting. But I

56
00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:20,240
Speaker 1: would like to acknowledge that I am neither a professional

57
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:25,680
Speaker 1: or um a believer in there being rules that have

58
00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,120
Speaker 1: no exceptions. But a metaphor that works really well to

59
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:33,000
Speaker 1: apply to boundaries is if someone is smoking a cigarette,

60
00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:39,760
Speaker 1: you can't say to them you can't smoke a cigarette.

61
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,640
Speaker 1: You can say, if you're going to smoke a cigarette,

62
00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:47,280
Speaker 1: I'm going to leave because that's their choice. You can't

63
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,600
Speaker 1: take away their choice. They can absolutely smoke a cigarette

64
00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,960
Speaker 1: if they want to, and yes, they can choose to

65
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:56,520
Speaker 1: smoke a cigarette in front of you, but you can

66
00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:00,160
Speaker 1: choose to leave. You can leave pretty much anything. I

67
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:02,440
Speaker 1: I'm a big fan of saying no. I'm a really

68
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:05,360
Speaker 1: big fan of removing myself from situations that I know

69
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,280
Speaker 1: are going to stress me out. And there's very few

70
00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:10,800
Speaker 1: that you need to stay in if you're feeling uncomfortable,

71
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,640
Speaker 1: And sometimes leaving might even say less about the person

72
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,719
Speaker 1: in question doing something wrong and more about you understanding

73
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,520
Speaker 1: that you might have a weird reaction to it because

74
00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:23,640
Speaker 1: of whatever situation or background you have for this thing.

75
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:29,840
Speaker 1: Some people react really really strongly too cigarettes because they've

76
00:04:29,839 --> 00:04:32,200
Speaker 1: lost somebody to cigarette smoke. And so if you know

77
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:33,680
Speaker 1: that you're going to just stand there and yell at

78
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,120
Speaker 1: that person about smoking, even though that that's like a

79
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:39,080
Speaker 1: very understandable emotion for you to have, you might just

80
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,560
Speaker 1: need to leave because that's that person's choice. I mean,

81
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:48,520
Speaker 1: I've always had strong opinions on certain substances and stuff,

82
00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:50,240
Speaker 1: and if I've been at parties where something's happening that

83
00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:52,200
Speaker 1: I feel like it's unsafe, like I've definitely had moments

84
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,839
Speaker 1: where I've gotten really really really crazy about it because

85
00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:58,960
Speaker 1: I've you know, seen a lot of addiction growing up.

86
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:04,040
Speaker 1: I mean, I used to be really really judgy about weed. Um,

87
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:07,120
Speaker 1: and some people don't know how to do it safely.

88
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,960
Speaker 1: But I mean it's legal and plenty of places and

89
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,560
Speaker 1: plenty of people can do it like safely and in

90
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:16,440
Speaker 1: ways that benefit them. Um, it could be used as medicine, obviously,

91
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:18,240
Speaker 1: my you know, my opinions have changed on that. But

92
00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:20,120
Speaker 1: I used to react really strongly to that at parties

93
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:23,360
Speaker 1: because I thought that being around like any drugs, even

94
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,720
Speaker 1: just weed, meant that I was round a bunch of

95
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,200
Speaker 1: drug addicts. So that's its own thing. But do you

96
00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:31,760
Speaker 1: understand what I'm saying here. It's just well within your

97
00:05:31,839 --> 00:05:35,719
Speaker 1: right to leave at any point, And if that's what

98
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,200
Speaker 1: you need to feel safe and calm, then go ahead

99
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,680
Speaker 1: and leave. Don't leave your best friend's wedding, maybe, but

100
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,839
Speaker 1: if you're just at a party and you're not vibing anymore,

101
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:48,839
Speaker 1: you can go. I find that for me, I can

102
00:05:48,839 --> 00:05:51,880
Speaker 1: feel when I'm losing social energy and I'm running out,

103
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:57,960
Speaker 1: and I I've known that I've had bipolar disorder for

104
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:02,960
Speaker 1: the past for years, and it was a really scary

105
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:06,440
Speaker 1: thing to hear because it sounds so negative because people

106
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:09,600
Speaker 1: throw around the word bipolar as an insult all the time, like,

107
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,680
Speaker 1: oh my god, she felt this way two seconds ago,

108
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:14,120
Speaker 1: and then she changed her mind. She's bipolar. Uh No,

109
00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:17,039
Speaker 1: maybe she just thought about it and decided that she

110
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:20,080
Speaker 1: didn't like that anymore. And so I was really nervous

111
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:24,440
Speaker 1: when I got diagnosed with it. I c two therapists

112
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,599
Speaker 1: and I have a psychiatrist, and I'm on medication for it,

113
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:31,200
Speaker 1: and it's as much under control as anything could be,

114
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:34,919
Speaker 1: and it really doesn't affect me all that much. But

115
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:37,400
Speaker 1: I have learned what works for me and the boundaries

116
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,680
Speaker 1: that I need to set, mostly just like for myself,

117
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:43,159
Speaker 1: Like it is not people can't talk to me like

118
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:47,240
Speaker 1: this when I'm having, you know, a depressive episode or whatever.

119
00:06:47,839 --> 00:06:50,000
Speaker 1: And by the way, a depressive episode is just a depression.

120
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:53,479
Speaker 1: I feel like episodes sounds so dramatic, But I know

121
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,880
Speaker 1: my limits and that's not necessarily me telling somebody, oh,

122
00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:00,080
Speaker 1: you can't do this. It's me saying, hey, um, this

123
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,080
Speaker 1: is the line, and I know when I hit it,

124
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:05,440
Speaker 1: I'm probably gonna start to fade. So there's times that

125
00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:08,720
Speaker 1: I'll be at a party and I'll just be like, oh,

126
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:12,760
Speaker 1: I gotta go. I'm running out on serotonin. If I

127
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,440
Speaker 1: stay any longer, I'm gonna just start to feel weird.

128
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:18,240
Speaker 1: I might read too far into social situations. I might

129
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:22,680
Speaker 1: say something I don't necessarily mean because it's sad whatever,

130
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:26,280
Speaker 1: and that it's a really healthy way to deal with it.

131
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:29,720
Speaker 1: And over you know, the few years that I've that

132
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:33,560
Speaker 1: I've known that I've had it. I know the my

133
00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:37,160
Speaker 1: therapist calls them red flags and yellow flags, and so

134
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,480
Speaker 1: if I can't get out of bed in the morning

135
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:43,120
Speaker 1: and I, you know, can sleep for sixteen hours straight,

136
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:47,080
Speaker 1: I am probably good to call that a red flag.

137
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,120
Speaker 1: If I start to get really sad and take things

138
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:53,280
Speaker 1: really personally for no reason and just cry and journal

139
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:57,200
Speaker 1: a lot, that's a yellow flag. I also find that

140
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,760
Speaker 1: me getting irritated with people really quickly is a yellow flag.

141
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,480
Speaker 1: So it's important for me to know that because then

142
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:06,400
Speaker 1: when that starts to happen, I know that a it's

143
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:09,920
Speaker 1: it's not a rational reaction, and like I'm not seeing

144
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,000
Speaker 1: it for what it is, and be that I need

145
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,640
Speaker 1: to like chill by myself a little bit and I

146
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,440
Speaker 1: have this network of people that I talked to and

147
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:19,720
Speaker 1: I'm when I'm sad, whether it's a professional or my

148
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:24,480
Speaker 1: parents or you know, my boyfriend Candy, have so many

149
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,040
Speaker 1: people to talk to you, and it's been really amazing,

150
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:29,760
Speaker 1: because feeling alone when you're going through something like that sucks.

151
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,800
Speaker 1: It definitely has felt to me at times like I

152
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:36,240
Speaker 1: don't have many people who understand, and that's really been

153
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:40,240
Speaker 1: true because some people just don't. I mean, if I

154
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,720
Speaker 1: hear somebody used bipolar as an insult, I probably know

155
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,439
Speaker 1: that they're not the right person for me to talk

156
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,880
Speaker 1: to you about this, and that's fine because they don't

157
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:52,640
Speaker 1: have the background to to understand it, and that's okay.

158
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,280
Speaker 1: It just means they're not going to be who ask

159
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,679
Speaker 1: for advice. So boundaries become really important for me when

160
00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,920
Speaker 1: I'm doing that, because it means that I might leave

161
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:03,040
Speaker 1: social situation and exercise my right to leave somewhere that

162
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:06,920
Speaker 1: I'm not feeling like I can be comfortable at. I

163
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:13,000
Speaker 1: also really like to spend time alone, and it's important

164
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,360
Speaker 1: for me to be able to regroup because I know

165
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:19,280
Speaker 1: that not even necessarily me because I try so hard

166
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,760
Speaker 1: not to. Because I grew up around a lot of this.

167
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,240
Speaker 1: But I know that when people are not their best selves,

168
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,720
Speaker 1: they say things they regret, and so when I'm not

169
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:31,520
Speaker 1: my best self, I pull back into a corner and

170
00:09:31,559 --> 00:09:34,640
Speaker 1: I journal the twenty things that I want to say

171
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,280
Speaker 1: to that person, and then I pick the three that

172
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:40,200
Speaker 1: matter and the three that I actually mean. Three I'm

173
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,120
Speaker 1: not going to regret saying, because they're exactly what's on

174
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:47,199
Speaker 1: my mind. They're distilled, they're concise, and they are absolutely

175
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:51,640
Speaker 1: what I intended them to come off as. So it's

176
00:09:51,679 --> 00:09:55,199
Speaker 1: not even so much isolation as it is discretion with

177
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:57,880
Speaker 1: who I share that side of myself with, because I

178
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,760
Speaker 1: don't owe it to anybody to at them into my

179
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:05,280
Speaker 1: very private space. And that's the definition of boundaries as well.

180
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:09,080
Speaker 1: Is you can have those physical boundaries, like you know,

181
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,679
Speaker 1: I'm going to leave if you smoke a cigarette physically

182
00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,080
Speaker 1: in front of me, But you can also have emotional boundaries,

183
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:16,280
Speaker 1: which is, I don't need to tell you everything that

184
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:18,720
Speaker 1: goes on in my life, and you are allowed to

185
00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:22,120
Speaker 1: pick who you talk to about things. I think that

186
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:29,720
Speaker 1: a symptom of psycho speak becoming popularized on social media

187
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:35,840
Speaker 1: means that it gets mistranslated misunderstood. And then also people

188
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:40,240
Speaker 1: who aren't shitty, people who are narcissist, people who actually

189
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:43,199
Speaker 1: are out to get you can use these terms and

190
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,240
Speaker 1: and use them to their advantage. And I see so

191
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:49,280
Speaker 1: much ship. I mean, you can find you can find

192
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:53,559
Speaker 1: something to explain and justify how you feel on literally anything.

193
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:56,760
Speaker 1: I mean, go look up, go look at boundaries and

194
00:10:56,840 --> 00:11:00,120
Speaker 1: see the varying articles that you see, and like you

195
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,400
Speaker 1: can find one that'll back up how you feel. That's

196
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,960
Speaker 1: another reason why it's so important for me to have

197
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:09,520
Speaker 1: time to isolate and and you know, be by myself

198
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:13,000
Speaker 1: to figure out like if I'm researching something or reading

199
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:16,160
Speaker 1: something or asking people's advice, like am I asking them

200
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:19,320
Speaker 1: because I want to hear what I want to hear,

201
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:21,360
Speaker 1: or my asking them because I actually want to fix

202
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:25,120
Speaker 1: the situation. And so me being alone and meditating on

203
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,880
Speaker 1: that and you know, taking my time, that's a really

204
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:31,720
Speaker 1: important process of that. But so when not nice people

205
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:36,760
Speaker 1: flip these words on you, they can be like so quickly,

206
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,440
Speaker 1: like you're toxic. It's like, no, I'm not toxic. I

207
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,360
Speaker 1: just don't want to be your friend because I don't

208
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:45,400
Speaker 1: like how you treat me. Or they can say you

209
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,959
Speaker 1: know you're not respecting my boundaries because I have a

210
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:51,480
Speaker 1: need for you to let me in. And I'm like, well,

211
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:55,200
Speaker 1: boundaries and needs are not the same thing. You You

212
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:56,920
Speaker 1: can't be like, I have a boundary for you to

213
00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:02,080
Speaker 1: not keep things from me. Like you can say I

214
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,960
Speaker 1: don't want to stay in this friendship if you don't

215
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,439
Speaker 1: feel like you can share things with me. You can

216
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,480
Speaker 1: totally say that. But you cannot force people to do anything.

217
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:11,920
Speaker 1: And so I think a lot of times when it

218
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,920
Speaker 1: comes to setting a boundary, you need to ask yourself like,

219
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:17,920
Speaker 1: am I saying this because I want them to not

220
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:21,080
Speaker 1: do it? Or am I saying it because I know

221
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,920
Speaker 1: that if they do that, I'm going to want to

222
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,640
Speaker 1: leave because I'm that's okay, exercise, You're right to leave.

223
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:29,640
Speaker 1: It's not to control people. It's to control the environment

224
00:12:29,679 --> 00:12:31,400
Speaker 1: that you're in and the things that you put up.

225
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:48,520
Speaker 1: But people who are out to get you will use

226
00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:53,200
Speaker 1: those terms and use them in really manipulative ways. And

227
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:57,120
Speaker 1: so there is a fine line between setting strong boundaries

228
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:01,839
Speaker 1: and emotional manipulation. And it is very easy to accidentally

229
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:06,320
Speaker 1: manipulate somebody, especially when you're sad, especially when you're talking

230
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,600
Speaker 1: purely with your heart and none of it with your brain.

231
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:14,200
Speaker 1: It's it's really easy to say things that it doesn't

232
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,160
Speaker 1: even matter if you're trying to or not. You know, like,

233
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,000
Speaker 1: there's been so many times where I've said something and

234
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:21,920
Speaker 1: I've been like, God, that that just wasn't that was

235
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,000
Speaker 1: not what I meant. That came off like I'm trying

236
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,520
Speaker 1: to control their feelings on the situation. Because it's very

237
00:13:27,559 --> 00:13:30,199
Speaker 1: easy when you're feeling super strongly about something and you're

238
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:35,000
Speaker 1: feeling hurt to talk to that person and or talk

239
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:38,640
Speaker 1: to somebody else about them and just think of every

240
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,760
Speaker 1: wrong thing that person ever did to you and then

241
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:44,400
Speaker 1: use it to change the person your quote unquote venting

242
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:49,320
Speaker 1: two perspective on that person. And I think every single

243
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:51,439
Speaker 1: one of us has been guilty of that, and that's

244
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:55,520
Speaker 1: why it's really important to figure out what you think,

245
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,880
Speaker 1: what you're using to get people on your side and whatnot.

246
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,440
Speaker 1: And I've made so many aches over my life, and

247
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,760
Speaker 1: that's where I'm speaking from with this. I'm not speaking

248
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,560
Speaker 1: from like a livabilities mean to me. I'm saying like

249
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:10,240
Speaker 1: I can recognize when people have the wrong intentions because

250
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,360
Speaker 1: I know what it's like to have the wrong intentions. Also,

251
00:14:13,679 --> 00:14:18,560
Speaker 1: boundaries don't always have to mean no. They can mean

252
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,520
Speaker 1: not now, but later. So if you're going to take

253
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:26,120
Speaker 1: some time, I find when somebody wants to have a

254
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:27,880
Speaker 1: have an argument with me and I'm not ready to

255
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,000
Speaker 1: have it because either I don't completely know how I

256
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,920
Speaker 1: feel yet, or be I need to calm myself down

257
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,680
Speaker 1: before I engage in that with them. I just I

258
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:37,960
Speaker 1: need to sort out my fucking thoughts first, you know.

259
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:41,040
Speaker 1: So if you're saying, hey, I'm not going to talk

260
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:44,840
Speaker 1: to you about this, people will get really angry at you.

261
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,960
Speaker 1: But that's your right. And and yes, communication is important,

262
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:51,680
Speaker 1: and it's definitely better to say, hey, I can't talk

263
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,000
Speaker 1: to you about this right now, but I'll let you

264
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,080
Speaker 1: know when I can. I need some space, Like that's

265
00:14:55,360 --> 00:15:00,000
Speaker 1: so fair. And I definitely am the kind of part

266
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:04,840
Speaker 1: person who's quick to cut people off when I see

267
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:12,080
Speaker 1: behaviors like that. And it's not because I don't do

268
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:17,080
Speaker 1: well with conflict or criticism like personally, I just I

269
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,440
Speaker 1: don't want to hear people who don't know me tell

270
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,320
Speaker 1: me what to do, and that gets that really gets

271
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:27,480
Speaker 1: to me. And so I have Candy who I call

272
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:30,840
Speaker 1: because I could have a person in my life that

273
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,680
Speaker 1: she legitimately does not like, and she will tell me

274
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,880
Speaker 1: how to see it from their perspective if she thinks

275
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,360
Speaker 1: that I'm handling it wrong. I mean, there's been people

276
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,800
Speaker 1: who have just been downright mean to her and I've

277
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,240
Speaker 1: called her and been like, hey, what do you think

278
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:45,280
Speaker 1: about this? And she stood up for them because she

279
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:48,840
Speaker 1: knew that in that situation that was correct. And those

280
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,320
Speaker 1: are the kind of people you need, I mean. And

281
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,440
Speaker 1: then my manager, Todd gives the best advice because he

282
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,960
Speaker 1: just doesn't give a shit about anything. He's like, I'm

283
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:59,520
Speaker 1: fifty years old and who I'm sorry, Like this is what, how,

284
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,400
Speaker 1: this is, this is how it should be, this is

285
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:04,360
Speaker 1: what you need to do. Take it or leave it. Boom,

286
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,920
Speaker 1: the most black and white possible thing. And I find

287
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,680
Speaker 1: I get really close to people who aren't afraid to

288
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,360
Speaker 1: tell me what they think and aren't afraid to be

289
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,600
Speaker 1: up front and honest. Now I can't handle people who

290
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,720
Speaker 1: think that they're quote unquote honest when really all they

291
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:20,920
Speaker 1: are is passive aggressive. Because to me, having just recently

292
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,680
Speaker 1: found out that I'm an angiogram eight, which we need

293
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,080
Speaker 1: to do a whole other episode on this, but I

294
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,680
Speaker 1: thought it was a seven wing eight. Turns out I'm

295
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:32,320
Speaker 1: totally in eight wing seven and all this. Like this

296
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:34,280
Speaker 1: therapy session I had a couple of weeks ago, my

297
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:37,160
Speaker 1: therapist was like, so, what aniogram type are you? And

298
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,960
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I'm a seven wing eight and

299
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,000
Speaker 1: she was like, okay, um, I'm gonna need you to

300
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,880
Speaker 1: go read up on the eight and think about the

301
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:48,520
Speaker 1: things you say and how that's you. And I was like, Okay,

302
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:50,160
Speaker 1: she didn't say it like that, but then I read

303
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:51,480
Speaker 1: it and I was like, oh, this makes so much

304
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,760
Speaker 1: sense that this is like the foundation of my personality.

305
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:58,120
Speaker 1: But I'm really just want to cut through the bullshit.

306
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:02,480
Speaker 1: I hate when people use flowery language, Like That's why

307
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:08,000
Speaker 1: sometimes talking or arguing to like songwriters can be so difficult,

308
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:11,320
Speaker 1: because like they want to make it so pretty and

309
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,600
Speaker 1: like poetic and whatever and use analogies, and I'm just like,

310
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:17,120
Speaker 1: I need you to fucking talk to me like I'm

311
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,040
Speaker 1: the world's toughest ten year old, Like break it down

312
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:24,240
Speaker 1: to the five sentences you need to say. Don't use

313
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:27,520
Speaker 1: fucking analogies, just tell me how you feel and then

314
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:31,600
Speaker 1: we'll go from there. Because also, the less you say,

315
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,159
Speaker 1: the less lines they are to read between. So if

316
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,800
Speaker 1: you just keep it short and sweet and say exactly

317
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,879
Speaker 1: what you intend to, You're going to run into a

318
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:42,520
Speaker 1: lot less trouble. Like beating around the bush does not help,

319
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:46,320
Speaker 1: because beating on the bush so frequently involves passive aggression.

320
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,520
Speaker 1: And you know, you might say this compliment to kind

321
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:51,560
Speaker 1: of take the edge off the insult, but the insults

322
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,360
Speaker 1: still included in the compliment. And by you, I mean

323
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:57,879
Speaker 1: I have absolutely done that. I'm always like conflicted on

324
00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,800
Speaker 1: doing podcast episodes like this because like it's so clear

325
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,160
Speaker 1: that I'm just like really pissed at somebody right now.

326
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:07,480
Speaker 1: But also I never wanted to sound like I'm being preachy.

327
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:12,680
Speaker 1: I'm just emotionally forty eight years old. I've seen some ship.

328
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,200
Speaker 1: I have not talked to my own father for six

329
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:19,879
Speaker 1: years and then repaired our relationship, like I've I've been

330
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:24,359
Speaker 1: through it, and that doesn't make me necessarily more mature

331
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:28,800
Speaker 1: than somebody, But I do know what that feels like,

332
00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:31,919
Speaker 1: and I think we can all agree that just like

333
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:35,720
Speaker 1: you don't understand what it's like to lose somebody until

334
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:36,920
Speaker 1: you lose somebody, you don't know what it's like to

335
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,120
Speaker 1: get your heartbroken until you get your heartbroken by by

336
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:41,560
Speaker 1: a relationship and whatnot. And the same thing goes for

337
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:44,000
Speaker 1: ship like this, Like I'm like, Okay, I know what

338
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,040
Speaker 1: it feels like to work through something with somebody and

339
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,399
Speaker 1: like dig through the ship. And I also know what

340
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,679
Speaker 1: it's like to have to handle a mental illness and

341
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,760
Speaker 1: balance relationships in it. So when people come in and

342
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:55,280
Speaker 1: tell me what to do and get really fucking mad,

343
00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:00,240
Speaker 1: and I handled that anger by you know, being sure

344
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,919
Speaker 1: about it. But also it's important to note that me

345
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,679
Speaker 1: being quote unquote fucking mad is me just wanting to

346
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:10,480
Speaker 1: get the conflict over with and arrive at a conclusion

347
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,800
Speaker 1: very quickly. Like it's not me being like in this

348
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:14,760
Speaker 1: blind rage where I want to punch a wall or

349
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,320
Speaker 1: I want to tell people I hate them. I just

350
00:19:16,359 --> 00:19:18,359
Speaker 1: want to Like, if I'm mad, I walk up to

351
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,520
Speaker 1: somebody and be like, hey, so that thing you did

352
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,240
Speaker 1: that was sucked up? Can we sit down and talk

353
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,920
Speaker 1: about it so that we both know that it can't

354
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:26,840
Speaker 1: happen again and I can try to understand where you're

355
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:29,280
Speaker 1: coming from, because if I don't, I'm just gonna never

356
00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:31,760
Speaker 1: talk to you again. And that's how I handle things

357
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:34,120
Speaker 1: and guess what, I've been taking care of myself since

358
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,639
Speaker 1: I was six years old, almost exclusively, so I know

359
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:40,639
Speaker 1: how to do it. But yeah, this this comes from

360
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:44,280
Speaker 1: personal experience on both sides of things. I mean, nobody

361
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,320
Speaker 1: can be their best selves all the time, and you know,

362
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,720
Speaker 1: me being in a long term relationship when I was

363
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,919
Speaker 1: literally nineteen years old. Like, you're gonna do some some

364
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:57,000
Speaker 1: ship that's just dumb and petulant and what not. Anyways,

365
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,080
Speaker 1: thanks for listening to me. Brand It's kind of weird

366
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:03,239
Speaker 1: that this is my job, but on weeks like this

367
00:20:03,359 --> 00:20:06,200
Speaker 1: where I've just had to deal with some really dumb shit,

368
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:10,359
Speaker 1: it's nice to have an outlet. And so just shoot

369
00:20:10,359 --> 00:20:11,760
Speaker 1: me a message if you have any thoughts on this.

370
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:14,480
Speaker 1: I'm I'm really curious to have a conversation. It always

371
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,800
Speaker 1: helps me to get y'all's feedback on these, especially when

372
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,840
Speaker 1: I'm like talking about something so personal. This is your

373
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:25,480
Speaker 1: invitation to give me advice. I just said invitation. This

374
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,320
Speaker 1: is your invitation to give me advice. Is your invitation

375
00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:31,959
Speaker 1: to share stories that you've had that applied to this,

376
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:33,920
Speaker 1: whether it's on the other side of things or where

377
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,040
Speaker 1: I've been or what not. Like let's have a dialogue,

378
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,480
Speaker 1: you know why, because that's what makes people get better.

379
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,280
Speaker 1: And I am on a path to self improvement and

380
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,680
Speaker 1: I take detours every once in a while, but I'm

381
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,920
Speaker 1: trying to just keep moving forward. So thank you guys

382
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,879
Speaker 1: so much for listening. I'm Kaylie Shure. This is my

383
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,800
Speaker 1: diary that's available all over the internet, and uh, it's

384
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:54,680
Speaker 1: called too much to say. I'll see you guys next week,

385
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:05,080
Speaker 1: my yesser soon, I've got to say, I'll turn it

386
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:06,919
Speaker 1: out of you