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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be

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Speaker 1: adding a really special offering onto the back of my

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Speaker 1: solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily

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Speaker 1: series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while

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Speaker 1: outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress

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Speaker 1: free life. We dive into a range of topics and

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Speaker 1: the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long,

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Speaker 1: so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter

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Speaker 1: how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the

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Speaker 1: on Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for

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Speaker 1: you this year, so I'll be playing a hand picked

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Speaker 1: Daily Jay during each of my Friday podcasts. This week,

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Speaker 1: we're talking about your habits and how to develop better

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Speaker 1: daily routines. Of course, if you want to listen to

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Speaker 1: The Daily Jay every day, you can subscribe to Calm,

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Speaker 1: So go to Calm dot com forward slash Jay for

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Speaker 1: forty percent off your membership. Today only made it. Thank

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Speaker 1: you for having made it happen. You're in LA.

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Speaker 2: I was a guest on the j Sutty podcast You're

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Speaker 2: an Amazing I loved you.

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Speaker 1: It was the short video we made that we put

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Speaker 1: on Facebook and Instagram that went so much, like people

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Speaker 1: loved your episode, like absolutely loved it. Amazing.

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Speaker 2: Well, they're going to love this episode. I'm pretty big deal.

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Speaker 1: I'm very grateful to be here.

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Speaker 2: Oh, I'm so grateful that you were here. Last time

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Speaker 2: we saw each other, I was like getting down, I know,

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Speaker 2: I know, in high heels.

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Speaker 1: It was impressive.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so we have to just like start from the beginning. Okay,

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Speaker 2: not childhood, but like where Jay Shutty was kind of

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Speaker 2: born into who he is today.

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Speaker 1: That was going in a monastery. Yeah, absolutely, so we'll

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Speaker 1: start from there.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, let's start from there.

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Speaker 1: I'll give you a bit of a prequel just because

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Speaker 1: it's important. Okay. So I spent my teens being in

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Speaker 1: absolute rebel, and I was always experimenting with everything under

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Speaker 1: the sun, multiple relationships, dabbled in drugs a little bit,

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Speaker 1: nothing for the form of addiction or wanting anything else

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Speaker 1: apart from really seeking a thrill, like I was looking

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Speaker 1: for a thrill. I was looking for meeting. I was

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Speaker 1: looking for passionate purpose. But for me at that time,

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Speaker 1: I didn't know what that was called, and it kind

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Speaker 1: of came out in all these rebellious ways. And I

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Speaker 1: think that also came from coming from a family where

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Speaker 1: it was very much like live by the rule. You know,

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Speaker 1: you can be a doctor, a lawyer, or a failure,

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Speaker 1: like you've got these three options, and then I was

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Speaker 1: trying to rebel and question that. The most important thing

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Speaker 1: was that I spent a lot of my teens, starting

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Speaker 1: at the later end of my teens, really wanting to

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Speaker 1: learn and really wanting to hear from people who went

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Speaker 1: from rags to riches.

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Speaker 2: And it just hit you it was one of those

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Speaker 2: things I have more purpose, No.

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Speaker 1: It was. It was a mixture of a few things.

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Speaker 1: My dad was trying to get me to read. Now,

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Speaker 1: I'd never read a book until I was fourteen, until

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Speaker 1: my dad said, I giving me autobiographies and biographies, and

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Speaker 1: those were the books I started reading. So I read

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Speaker 1: like David Beckham's autobiography and I read The Rocks autobiography interest.

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Speaker 1: I was massively in to soccer and massively into wrestling,

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Speaker 1: so both of those were huge for me.

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Speaker 3: You said soccer and that football I did. I want

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Speaker 3: to call it real football, all right. I went to

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Speaker 3: to a AFC last night, so I'm trying to you know.

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Speaker 3: But it was that feeling of my father was trying

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Speaker 3: to help me grow and think and be more thoughtful

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Speaker 3: and introduce me to wisdom. And at the same time,

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Speaker 3: I was just going through experiences where I lost a

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Speaker 3: couple of friends. You know, one of my friends died

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Speaker 3: in a car accident and one of my friends died

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Speaker 3: through gang violence, and like both of those scenarios like

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Speaker 3: made me start to question, Like wait a minute, Like

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Speaker 3: they were good people, right, they were like beautiful, loving, kind,

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Speaker 3: sweet people, but they just went in a moment and

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Speaker 3: that really got me that year. Like I was around

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Speaker 3: sixteen years old when that happened, and that really hit me,

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Speaker 3: and I was just like, what is the meaning of life?

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Speaker 3: Like where am I going? Like am I using my time?

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Speaker 2: Wisely?

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Speaker 1: You never saw that coming. And I think when you

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Speaker 1: lose someone that's close to you, whoever that may be,

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Speaker 1: I think it makes you question what you do with

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Speaker 1: your own time, right, And that's what happened to you,

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Speaker 1: And that's what happened to me, and that's what kind

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Speaker 1: of started that journey. A couple of years later, I

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Speaker 1: was invited to an event by my friend and so

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Speaker 1: this monk was invited to speak, and I didn't even

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Speaker 1: want to go and I literally said to my friend,

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Speaker 1: I said, I'll only go if we go to a

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Speaker 1: bar afterwards, Like that's the only way I'm coming out.

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Speaker 1: The reason why I'm saying all of this is I

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Speaker 1: want people to realize how opposite this was of me, right,

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Speaker 1: because it's not like I grew up as a spiritual

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Speaker 1: kid or a religious kid or a kid that was

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Speaker 1: I was totally the opposite. And then I go to

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Speaker 1: this event because my friends say, yes, we'll go to

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Speaker 1: the bar afterwards. I'm completely flawed and speechless because everything

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Speaker 1: this monk is saying is completely cutting through to my heart.

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Speaker 1: And he's talking about like selflessness, and he's talking about service,

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Speaker 1: and he's talking about living a life that is worth

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Speaker 1: of sacrifice for other people. And I'm thinking, why is

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Speaker 1: this appealing to this eighteen year old guy? But it is,

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Speaker 1: like all of it's appealing to me. I end up

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Speaker 1: spending time with them afterwards, you know, like you network.

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Speaker 1: So I went to network for the monk and yeah, exactly,

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Speaker 1: like can I get your drink?

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Speaker 2: Then?

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Speaker 1: And then and I go after him and I say,

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Speaker 1: you know, everything you so said like really connected with me.

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Speaker 1: It really felt powerful to me, and I said, I'd

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Speaker 1: love to experience more of this, and so he said, well,

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Speaker 1: why don't you come and join me this week? I'm

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Speaker 1: traveling in London in England, so why don't you just

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Speaker 1: come and hear me this week, speak and get to

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Speaker 1: know me better. And I did, and then that led

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Speaker 1: to me actually going to live with him in India.

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Speaker 1: So I spent all of my summer holidays we didn't

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Speaker 1: say vacation summer holidays from eighteen to twenty two, while

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Speaker 1: I was at university. Every break I got half of it.

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Speaker 1: I spent interning at financial companies in London, and so

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Speaker 1: I'd be in bars, steakhouses and suits. And then I'd

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Speaker 1: spend the other half of my summers living as a

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Speaker 1: monk in India, robes, meditating, sleeping on the floor. And

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Speaker 1: then when I graduated, I decided to do it for real.

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Speaker 1: So I had all those correct correct Yeah, three years? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's right.

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Speaker 2: What were you doing in the monastery exactly?

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Speaker 1: So we would wake up at four am every day

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Speaker 1: and half of our day was dedicated to self or

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Speaker 1: silence and the other half for service self or silence. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so you'd spend half the day working on your so

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Speaker 1: that means self study, self meditation, silence, group meditations, prayer,

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Speaker 1: the type of things you expect monks to do, and

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Speaker 1: that's like half of your day, okay, But then the

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Speaker 1: other half is totally about service. So we would be

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Speaker 1: building schools, we'd be feeding homeless children, we'd be trying

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Speaker 1: to develop sustainable villages and food distribution programs that were

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Speaker 1: helping in serving tons of people in India. And so

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Speaker 1: I chose this part because it was this perfect balance

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Speaker 1: between self and service. And the way it was taught

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Speaker 1: to us is that everything you do in the part

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Speaker 1: of the self day, you then go and give it

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Speaker 1: away in the service and you learn more, and then

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Speaker 1: you come back and do more self realization and then service.

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Speaker 1: It's like a cycle. Yeah. Exactly three years in, I

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Speaker 1: had pushed my body to extreme limits, like fasting fasting,

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Speaker 1: and I'd sleep very little because I wanted to see

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Speaker 1: the power of meditation. Had this side of me that

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Speaker 1: wanted to make what I was learning even more relevant,

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Speaker 1: even more accessible, even more practical. And this is all

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Speaker 1: in hindsight. I didn't know this. Then My teacher said

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Speaker 1: to me that he felt it would be better if

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Speaker 1: I left so I could share what I'd learned.

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Speaker 2: Wow, And so he wasn't kicking you out.

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Speaker 1: Well, it felt like that because at that time I

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Speaker 1: didn't have this hindsight of oh yeah, maybe I was

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Speaker 1: in the wrong place or maybe I'd done my time.

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Speaker 1: At that time, I was like, I want to do this,

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Speaker 1: and I'm pushing and literally he comes out and he's

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Speaker 1: just like, you know, it's not you, it's me. It's

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Speaker 1: like it feels like one of these awkward breakup conversations,

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Speaker 1: and I'm thinking, I just gave up everything, like I

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Speaker 1: broke up with my girlfriend, I left, you know, all

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Speaker 1: my jobs, I turned down my jobs, I left my family,

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Speaker 1: like I gave up everything to do this. But then

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Speaker 1: it was like this revelation both internally and from him

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Speaker 1: or I was like, maybe this isn't right for me

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Speaker 1: for life. And that probably is one of the hardest

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Speaker 1: things to ever have to go through. If you've made

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Speaker 1: a plan and a vision in your mind of how

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Speaker 1: you want your life to look like and then it

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Speaker 1: feels like it's just been taken away. And mine was

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Speaker 1: to be a monk. It sounds like the weirdest thing,

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Speaker 1: but if someone takes that away from you, it hurts.

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Speaker 2: Well, that's an interesting statement because it's like you felt

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Speaker 2: a calling to be a monk, but then your teacher said, oh, no,

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Speaker 2: I think that there's been a different calling for you.

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Speaker 2: What's the difference for you between a calling and a desire,

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Speaker 2: because it sounds like you had both.

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Speaker 1: Ooh, I like that. Yeah, that's a great question. That's

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Speaker 1: a great question. A desire is something that you push

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Speaker 1: and a calling is something that pulls you. Right, that's

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Speaker 1: the difference, And you're right. I think you're spot on.

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Speaker 1: I think it was both. I don't think I was

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Speaker 1: naturally meant to be a monk. I was someone who

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Speaker 1: was trying to rediscover myself and work through so much

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Speaker 1: of my teenage years. So for me, a moment for me,

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Speaker 1: it was a transformation. It was like going to school,

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Speaker 1: but at the same time it turned into a calling

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Speaker 1: because I got so fascinated by serving, and I got

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Speaker 1: so fascinated by wanting to make an impact, and I

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Speaker 1: got so fascinated by wanting my life to mean more

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Speaker 1: than just being successful or just being material. And I

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Speaker 1: think that's what I got introduced to.

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Speaker 2: My belief is that like you have to do the

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Speaker 2: work in order to get to where you are or

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Speaker 2: where you want to be. And there's so much like

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Speaker 2: empty prayer or empty meditation that goes into so much

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Speaker 2: of people's desires or wants or callings. And I think

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Speaker 2: that sometimes we just have to either be still and

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Speaker 2: wait for that moment to pull us, or be proactive

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Speaker 2: in what it is that you truly want to do.

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Speaker 2: Because you were being proactive in going and talking to

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Speaker 2: that month. Correct, you were being proactive and spending your

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Speaker 2: summers with him, but then it was a pulling that

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Speaker 2: took you to actually go live in the monastery. So

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Speaker 2: it's like it does take both to get to where

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Speaker 2: you want to be.

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Speaker 1: I couldn't agree with you more. I did a podcast

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Speaker 1: a few months ago and it's called the Myths of Manifesting,

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Speaker 1: and I think that's really one of the myths that

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Speaker 1: we have, that we just believe that just thinking and

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Speaker 1: just willing and just meditating or just praying and suddenly

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Speaker 1: someone's going to sprinkle some fairy dust and proof, yeah,

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Speaker 1: like the Genie's going to turn up and you know

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Speaker 1: you now are that person. I think the challenge is

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Speaker 1: that we have to get the balance right and it

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Speaker 1: can't be about the result. I think wanting and desire

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Speaker 1: is always about the result. A calling is about the process.

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Speaker 1: Calling is something you're excited to wake up and do

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Speaker 1: every day. When you have a desire, it's just like, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I want to be on the top of that list

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Speaker 1: or I want to be at the top of.

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Speaker 2: That yeah, because we have desires in our career, but

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Speaker 2: we also have a calling to be where we are today.

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Speaker 1: It's the balance. It's both together, right. You want to

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Speaker 1: do the prayer and the meditation and the manifest things,

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Speaker 1: but then you want to go and follow that up

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Speaker 1: and do the work and go do the meetings and

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Speaker 1: the strategy. You have to embrace polarities. And what I

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Speaker 1: mean by that is people are like, do I need

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Speaker 1: to be sincere or do I need to be strategic?

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Speaker 1: I'm like, you need to be both. Sincerity and strategy

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Speaker 1: together is a lethal combination. Whereas if you're just sincere,

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Speaker 1: then you're not practical, and if you're just strategic, then

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Speaker 1: you're not intentional. And you don't want to be lost

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Speaker 1: by either of those. You want to have both.

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Speaker 2: Faith is important to you and you talk about it

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Speaker 2: a lot, but I want to know what faith is

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Speaker 2: for you, because for me, faith is very important. Faith

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Speaker 2: is something that grounds me. It's the center of who

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Speaker 2: I am. It's my calling, it's my desires, all of

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Speaker 2: those things. But what is faith to you?

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Speaker 1: Faith to me, like the two polarities is the day

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Speaker 1: to day practices and the map. So it's the thing

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Speaker 1: that's guiding every decision. It's the thing that's guiding every

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Speaker 1: direction that I move in. It's the thing that GUIDs

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Speaker 1: who I want to be friends with, who I want

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Speaker 1: to connect with, the type of work I want to do.

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Speaker 1: But then it's also what I do daily. And to me,

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Speaker 1: that's what's so beautiful about faith that it can be

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Speaker 1: practical and simple, but then it can be philosophical and spiritual.

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Speaker 1: And so me, faith is both because if I'm not

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Speaker 1: practicing on a daily basis, how can it last? And

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Speaker 1: if it's not the governing thing behind all my decisions,

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Speaker 1: then how is it true? Like how is it really?

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Speaker 1: How is it your moral compass? Also exactly? Yeah, So

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Speaker 1: for me, it's both of those things at all times.

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Speaker 1: And so it's everything I do in the morning, So

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Speaker 1: my meditation, practices, my prayer, the way I communicate, how

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Speaker 1: I speak to my wife, like I think all of

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Speaker 1: those things how I speak to anyone, I think all

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Speaker 1: of those things in my faith. And at the same time,

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Speaker 1: it's like, I am I doing this out of love?

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Speaker 1: I Am I doing this out of service? Am I

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Speaker 1: taking this decision just because it pays the bills and

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Speaker 1: just because it makes money? Or am I doing this

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Speaker 1: just because I think it will be cool? It's the

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Speaker 1: same as It's so funny you asked me this question

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Speaker 1: because I was speaking to someone about you just before

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Speaker 1: coming the show today. Yes, I was saying one of

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Speaker 1: the things I love about Ashley and why I think

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Speaker 1: we get along so well and we find it so

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Speaker 1: easy to connect is because we're both have such deep faith. Yes,

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Speaker 1: And I said, I always find it easier when you

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Speaker 1: meet someone who has their faith and it may be different,

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Speaker 1: but they're open yep, and then you just connect. And

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Speaker 1: that's how I feel with you that when we first

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Speaker 1: started talking a meeting, I felt it straight away.

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Speaker 2: The people who are really rooted in their faith, and

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Speaker 2: that comes before anything else.

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Speaker 1: I always connect.

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Speaker 2: It's a big deal.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, my wife fell out with you too, even though

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Speaker 1: we were down to the Bruno Mars. I know, we

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Speaker 1: were like.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it was so Then you left the monastery and

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Speaker 2: you met Ariana Huffington.

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Speaker 1: I mean she kind of gave you a platform. Well, yeah,

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Speaker 1: it wasn't that quick. So I left and went back

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Speaker 1: to London. There was some work there, yeah, exactly. I

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Speaker 1: moved him back with my parents and I had my

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Speaker 1: big debt to pay us. So I had my university debt,

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Speaker 1: which is nowhere near as bad as US debt.

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Speaker 2: Oh, it's ridiculous.

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Speaker 1: It's so bad here, I can't believe it. So I

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Speaker 1: had twenty five thousand dollars. So I come back and

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Speaker 1: I was trying to figure out what to do. And

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Speaker 1: then fast forward three years. I started making videos after

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Speaker 1: I came back. So the videos were far after. But

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Speaker 1: I'd been speaking about these things, studying, teaching, sharing since

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Speaker 1: I was eighteen, since I was introduced to it. But

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Speaker 1: then I really felt this. I was talking to companies,

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Speaker 1: I was talking inside events at corporations, and I was

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Speaker 1: working one to one and coaching lots of people, and

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Speaker 1: that will naturally evolve. But I was thinking, how does

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Speaker 1: this reach every person in the world, Like, how do

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Speaker 1: we get these messages to reach everyone at no cost,

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Speaker 1: for absolutely free, to make it really accessible? And I

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Speaker 1: thought video I don't know if this is true or

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Speaker 1: whether it's a meme, but I remember seeing something that

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Speaker 1: said more people in the world own a smartphone than

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Speaker 1: a toothbrush, and I thought two things. I thought, I

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Speaker 1: need to make stuff that people can watch on smartphones,

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Speaker 1: and then I thought, we need to figure out how

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Speaker 1: everyone can get two thrushes. So that's a crazy Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it was crazy. I remember seeing it, so I don't

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Speaker 1: know if it's true or not. We can check it out.

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Speaker 1: And that triggered a thought in me. I was just like, Wow,

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Speaker 1: that means there's kids out there who have smartphones, they

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Speaker 1: don't have two brushes, which means they can access wisdom

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Speaker 1: and insight and all of this stuff that I've been learning.

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Speaker 1: So how do we share it with them? So I

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Speaker 1: started making these videos. And before that, I went and

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Speaker 1: pitched my video idea to round forty media companies in

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Speaker 1: London and they all rejected me watch and this was

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Speaker 1: before I made a video. I pitched them my idea

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Speaker 1: for a mindfulness based video series. So they were like, Jay,

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Speaker 1: you have no communication experience, you have no video experience,

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Speaker 1: you have no hosting experience. I had no official training

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Speaker 1: in this space, and so They're like no, no, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: no no no no. But they were right because I

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Speaker 1: hadn't yet demonstrated that I could do what I was

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Speaker 1: asking them to invest in. Wow. And so then I

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Speaker 1: started making my videos, and my global HR leader at Accentia,

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Speaker 1: because I was working at Accenta at the time, a

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Speaker 1: big corporate company, she showed Ariannahuffington my videos at Davos.

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Speaker 1: And the next thing that happened is I got a

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Speaker 1: call from Arion Huffington's team and they were just like,

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Speaker 1: we love your videos, we want to meet you in London.

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Speaker 1: I met them and I said, look, I'd love to

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Speaker 1: see what we can do with this. I then send

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Speaker 1: an email every day for thirty days seeing Danny we

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Speaker 1: met in London. You promised me that you love my videos,

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Speaker 1: and the Arian I love them. We've got to do

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Speaker 1: something with them. They're not just going to sit around

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Speaker 1: and get out to people and help people. That's deadicate.

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Speaker 1: And I wasn't charging anything like I made no money

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Speaker 1: from this whatsoever. It was me wanting to share a

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Speaker 1: message and hoping that that message would resonate with people.

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Speaker 1: A month later, Danny replies to me and says, yes, fine,

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Speaker 1: we do want to get these videos out. And now,

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Speaker 1: in hindsight, I realized it's because they were going off

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Speaker 1: and trying to build thrives. So they were busy with

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Speaker 1: that movie at the same time is trying to do this,

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Speaker 1: and so Danny makes this happen. I sweak to Arion

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Speaker 1: on the phone. She's like, Jay, we really love your content.

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Speaker 1: We are going to share it. We want to make

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Speaker 1: this happen. And then they share these videos. And we

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Speaker 1: shared four videos, and those four videos collectively did tens

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Speaker 1: of millions of views. The first video did a million

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Speaker 1: in a week, the second video did a million in

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Speaker 1: twenty four hours and did like thirty million overall. And

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Speaker 1: they were putting all of this on the huff Post site.

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Speaker 1: And this was mid twenty sixteen, so it's three and

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Speaker 1: a half years ago. I literally just it was amazing,

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Speaker 1: just that overnight of overnight social media, all because of

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Speaker 1: social media. And like I alway said, I didn't get

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Speaker 1: paid a penny for any of those That wasn't the point.

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Speaker 1: The point was always can this message reach people? And

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Speaker 1: they gave me a platform and so I'm so grateful

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Speaker 1: to Arianna and Danny and Caro who was on the

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Speaker 1: team at the time, and Dan like that whole group

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Speaker 1: of people that I'm still friends with today that were

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Speaker 1: just so committed to the message and believed in it.

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Speaker 1: I didn't have a platform at that time, I didn't

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Speaker 1: have a brand, I didn't have anything, and they believed

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Speaker 1: in it. So really it's all credit to them. Because

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Speaker 1: now you have.

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Speaker 2: To use social media, which is like a dark place

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Speaker 2: sometimes how do you handle it?

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Speaker 1: I just really have had to build up rules around

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Speaker 1: my social media use. So my rule is never look

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Speaker 1: at the phone first thing in the morning.

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Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I am really trying.

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Speaker 1: This is my biggest one. I think if we did this,

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Speaker 1: we would conquer our lives.

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Speaker 2: I have now not looked at Instagram for a sing

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Speaker 2: in the morning. I just look at like the text,

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Speaker 2: the email. Okay, we're good, I that's good. Yep, that's huge?

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Speaker 2: Is it for me?

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Speaker 1: That's huge. At one point I actually used to put

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Speaker 1: my phone and my laptop locked in my car downstairs

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Speaker 1: well because that was the only way I could truly

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Speaker 1: commence myself not to look at my phone. And I

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Speaker 1: think we have to go to that extent sometimes, with

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Speaker 1: that extremity to really push ourselves out of it. So

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Speaker 1: I don't look at my phone until I go down

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Speaker 1: to the gym, which is two hours after I meditate

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Speaker 1: and wake up and everything. So I try and avoid

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Speaker 1: looking at my phone for those first two hours. And

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Speaker 1: I find what that does is it gives your mind

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Speaker 1: time to warm up. You don't start your mind on

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Speaker 1: someone else's reactive schedule. When you wake up and you

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Speaker 1: look at that email and you look at that notification,

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Speaker 1: You're now thinking about everything everyone wants you to do,

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Speaker 1: not what you want to do right. You're not thinking

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Speaker 1: about who you want to be or what you want

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Speaker 1: to achieve. You're thinking about, Oh, Mary wants me to

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Speaker 1: get that right, you know, Julie wants me to do

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Speaker 1: that right? Like whatever. It is like, you start thinking

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Speaker 1: about everyone else's schedule. And then the third day that

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Speaker 1: happens is And I've said this before, but I think

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Speaker 1: it's really powerful when you think about it. I think

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Speaker 1: about this in the morning. It really stops me. None

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Speaker 1: of us, and I mean literally, none of us would

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Speaker 1: let one hundred people walk into our bedroom first thing

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Speaker 1: in the morning. That's true. Ever, before doing your hair,

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Speaker 1: before you do maybe your makeup, getting clothes on, having

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Speaker 1: a shower. You never do that, but we let one

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Speaker 1: hundred notifications enter our mind. That's literally trying to shake

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Speaker 1: our consciousness awake, right, It's like really trying to wake

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Speaker 1: your mind up. You're expecting your mind going from zero

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Speaker 1: to sixty miles per hour in five seconds when you

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Speaker 1: open up Instagram or WhatsApp or emails, and it's so

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Speaker 1: much pressure on our minds. That's really all it is.

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Speaker 1: It's pressure and stress for your mind to have to

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Speaker 1: wake up and warm up way quicker than our bodies do.

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Speaker 1: So that's been a huge one for me. That rule.

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Speaker 1: The other rule I love, which I fail out all

434
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:52,760
Speaker 1: the time but I'm trying, is no technology zones in

435
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:56,639
Speaker 1: your home and no technology times. So I believe that

436
00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:00,560
Speaker 1: the bedroom and the dining table should be technology free

437
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,720
Speaker 1: because it's more fun to sleep and eat with people. Yep,

438
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,440
Speaker 1: so we shouldn't. We should take them out of those

439
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,399
Speaker 1: two places in the home. Everywhere else you can use

440
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,639
Speaker 1: them places in your home, yes, where you can have

441
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:11,760
Speaker 1: human connections, human time in the just take it away

442
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,800
Speaker 1: from those areas. And I think you almost have to

443
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,320
Speaker 1: imagine when you walking around your home, you almost have

444
00:19:16,359 --> 00:19:19,399
Speaker 1: to imagine, like a red line around the dining table

445
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,119
Speaker 1: and a red line around the bedroom, almost like a

446
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,960
Speaker 1: laser like imagine if you cross over, it's going to

447
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,680
Speaker 1: like electrocute you or something. Maybe we should do that

448
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:27,560
Speaker 1: for some time. You know that could stop you. Bet,

449
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,119
Speaker 1: So that's it. Setting up rules around technology for me

450
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:32,800
Speaker 1: has been huge. Making sure that when I get back

451
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:36,080
Speaker 1: in the evening, you're not using technology past seven pm APM.

452
00:19:36,119 --> 00:19:38,640
Speaker 1: Whatever that rule is for you. And yes you're gonna

453
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,679
Speaker 1: break it, of course, and yes you're not gonna be perfect,

454
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,200
Speaker 1: But the point is, at least if you have the rule,

455
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:46,439
Speaker 1: you're working towards something. That's really what wonders for me. Definitely,

456
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,320
Speaker 1: at least if it's four out seven days a week, like,

457
00:19:48,359 --> 00:19:49,199
Speaker 1: that's good enough for me.

458
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,280
Speaker 2: You're so good with your words and you're such a

459
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:56,280
Speaker 2: great listener, but who is your rock? Who's the person

460
00:19:56,320 --> 00:20:00,240
Speaker 2: that's listening to you? And you're able to bounce everything off.

461
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:04,880
Speaker 1: My wife, My wife is definitely my right. Like she's amazing.

462
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,360
Speaker 1: She's more monk than I'll ever be because she naturally

463
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,479
Speaker 1: has these like sage like qualities, like so waking up

464
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,480
Speaker 1: for her is like a piece of cake. My wife

465
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,560
Speaker 1: looks at five am every day and can meditate five

466
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,720
Speaker 1: am five am, and spiritual qualities too. She just has that.

467
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,520
Speaker 1: So for me, I find my wife's amazing. She's always

468
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,119
Speaker 1: good at making sure that I'm doing things for the

469
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:26,280
Speaker 1: right reason. She's always good at checking me. She's always

470
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,880
Speaker 1: good at humbling me, grounding me, but in a good way,

471
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,720
Speaker 1: not in a critical way, but in a j I

472
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:31,760
Speaker 1: know you can be better than this.

473
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:32,960
Speaker 2: That's amazing.

474
00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:35,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I really have that with her.

475
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:37,640
Speaker 2: You know, you need a cheerleader. Yes, I think it's

476
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:41,040
Speaker 2: very important. Yeah, and I think that again on social media,

477
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:45,400
Speaker 2: there's like always these ideas of like fairy tale relationships, right,

478
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:49,080
Speaker 2: and expectations, and people aren't talking about what they need.

479
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,360
Speaker 2: And I know that you have to talk about relationships

480
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,640
Speaker 2: a lot on your social media, like people really want

481
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,840
Speaker 2: to know about relationship. Yes, this is something that's kind

482
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,520
Speaker 2: of plaguing people. Yeah, I kind of to get into

483
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,760
Speaker 2: it a little bit. It's because I feel like, even

484
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,960
Speaker 2: though you may not be the expert, you kind of

485
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,159
Speaker 2: have to be an expert because of all of like

486
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:10,680
Speaker 2: your followers and all their questions.

487
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:11,919
Speaker 1: About Well, I think this is fun because I know

488
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,760
Speaker 1: you have a wonderful relationship too. Yeah, so my things

489
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:17,000
Speaker 1: never been to be an expert. What I think is

490
00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:21,200
Speaker 1: it's fun to unpack the journey when you're on it, right,

491
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:23,439
Speaker 1: Like I almost think like you never get to the

492
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:25,000
Speaker 1: end of the journey. So how do you ever become

493
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,320
Speaker 1: an expert because it's almost like if you're an expert,

494
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:28,919
Speaker 1: then that's like you're saying I've nailed this.

495
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:30,800
Speaker 2: No, but it's it's.

496
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:32,680
Speaker 1: You can never can't be it can't be an expert

497
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,679
Speaker 1: in something like relationships because your relationships always evolving, Like

498
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,239
Speaker 1: for example, you're having a baby now, yes, that's going

499
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,000
Speaker 1: to evolve your relationshiship change.

500
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:42,200
Speaker 2: I've never been more in love with Justin than right now.

501
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:44,760
Speaker 2: I love hearing that yes, Like it's just something about

502
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:48,399
Speaker 2: growing life with him is oh my gosh, it like

503
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,760
Speaker 2: makes my heart melt. But then when the baby comes,

504
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,320
Speaker 2: they all say everybody says like, and we.

505
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,320
Speaker 1: Don't have to sign up for that, everybody I know.

506
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:58,440
Speaker 2: And that's the other thing. You don't have to listen

507
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,440
Speaker 2: to what everybody says. I have blocked out so many

508
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,000
Speaker 2: things that people are like, you know, what's going to happen.

509
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,320
Speaker 1: It's going to be like this, and I'm like, does

510
00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:09,600
Speaker 1: it have to be like that? It doesn't know, there

511
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,760
Speaker 1: are certain trends and patterns that we can be wary of,

512
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,640
Speaker 1: of course, and people see that, they're like, Okay, when

513
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,239
Speaker 1: you get married, this happens, when you have kids, this

514
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,720
Speaker 1: of course. But I think if you let that define

515
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:20,800
Speaker 1: your whole experience, that's the biggest mistake you can make.

516
00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:23,560
Speaker 1: And so for me, all I'm trying to share is

517
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,800
Speaker 1: the journey and the process of figuring it out. That's

518
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,879
Speaker 1: all I'm trying to share. And when she was the

519
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:31,119
Speaker 1: first guest on my podcast that I interviewed, and the

520
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,720
Speaker 1: whole conversation was, here's all the mistakes we made in

521
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,760
Speaker 1: our first three years of marriage, like, this is what

522
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:37,800
Speaker 1: we got wrong. Oh wow, you went in. That's what

523
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,120
Speaker 1: we talked about because I wanted people to hear how

524
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:44,040
Speaker 1: much stuff we've worked through, because that's the fun of it.

525
00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:46,359
Speaker 1: Because when you can have fun working through stuff and

526
00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:48,800
Speaker 1: people are hearing that, they're like, oh, my relationship is

527
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,960
Speaker 1: not so different now, because if all I'm seeing is

528
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,280
Speaker 1: the selfies and the happiness and all that kind of stuff.

529
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:56,440
Speaker 1: So for me, that's where my expertise is. My expertise

530
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,160
Speaker 1: is how do I share while I'm going through it

531
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,879
Speaker 1: and with you just the experience I have. So like,

532
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,520
Speaker 1: I'm not giving advice to couples who have kids, right

533
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,040
Speaker 1: because I've not been through that. I don't know what

534
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,359
Speaker 1: that feels like. When I go through it, I'll figure

535
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:11,720
Speaker 1: it out and I'll share some So I'm sharing pre marriage,

536
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,159
Speaker 1: getting married. The earlier is in marriage what I'm.

537
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:16,080
Speaker 2: Learning from that point, which also is a really hard

538
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:18,640
Speaker 2: part of the marriage. I think, so it is. Our

539
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:23,760
Speaker 2: first year was quite interesting to say go on. I mean,

540
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,640
Speaker 2: it was just like we waited till we were married

541
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,440
Speaker 2: to have sex. We hadn't lived together. My career was

542
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:30,520
Speaker 2: really kind of started taking off, and he went to

543
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,320
Speaker 2: grad school, and it was like finding this balance of

544
00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:37,080
Speaker 2: like who we are in so many different aspects, but

545
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,720
Speaker 2: like knowing that divorce is not an option, so it's

546
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:42,280
Speaker 2: like we have to focus and work on this. And

547
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:45,679
Speaker 2: nobody they tell you, oh, marriages work, marriages work, but

548
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:48,119
Speaker 2: nobody can explain it to you because every marriage is

549
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:51,679
Speaker 2: so different. So it's good to hear that other people

550
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:55,879
Speaker 2: are explaining their first three years of marriage and the

551
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,879
Speaker 2: struggles that they've been through. Something we did do on

552
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:02,439
Speaker 2: our Honeymoon actually was read the Five Love Languages. Have

553
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:04,040
Speaker 2: you read that? I loved that book.

554
00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:08,280
Speaker 1: I've made videos on that book. Yeah, I've made like

555
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:10,640
Speaker 1: three videos on that book. And I think Gary Chapman's

556
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:11,080
Speaker 1: a genius.

557
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:12,280
Speaker 2: What are your languages?

558
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,400
Speaker 1: I believe your love languages based a lot about how

559
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:18,639
Speaker 1: your parents loved you. Oh iNeST, so my love like.

560
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:21,000
Speaker 2: You want what your parents didn't give you, or you

561
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,520
Speaker 2: still want what they gave you, both depending on how

562
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:24,760
Speaker 2: good or brother correct.

563
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:27,080
Speaker 1: So mine was and this is how I traced it back.

564
00:24:27,359 --> 00:24:29,600
Speaker 1: I love my mom. She's amazing. And when my mom

565
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,520
Speaker 1: was raising me, she sometimes couldn't spend a lot of

566
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:34,720
Speaker 1: time in me because she was working too. But I

567
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:37,240
Speaker 1: knew that on my birthday she would always get me

568
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,560
Speaker 1: the gift that I wanted. She would always get it,

569
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:40,879
Speaker 1: no matter what it was. And we didn't grow up

570
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:42,720
Speaker 1: with a lot, but she would save up make sure

571
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:43,800
Speaker 1: that I had it, and she would find it and

572
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,119
Speaker 1: should get it for me, and it would just be

573
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:46,560
Speaker 1: one thing, but it would always be the one thing

574
00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:48,320
Speaker 1: I most wanted. So, like one year is like Power

575
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:50,880
Speaker 1: Rangers or something like that, And I realized that I

576
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,960
Speaker 1: associated love with gifts.

577
00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:55,400
Speaker 2: So is that your number one?

578
00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:57,919
Speaker 1: That was my number one love language? Is it giving

579
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:01,480
Speaker 1: and getting? Yes? So I love giving people grand gestures

580
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,399
Speaker 1: and I love receiving grand gestures. But my wife, her

581
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:09,000
Speaker 1: number one love language is quality time because her family

582
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,520
Speaker 1: on their birthdays and stuff, would just time spent. Yeah,

583
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:13,280
Speaker 1: they wouldn't go out to work that day, her dad

584
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,320
Speaker 1: would stay home. They would plan an activity or whatever

585
00:25:15,359 --> 00:25:17,439
Speaker 1: something like that, and so they spend time together. So

586
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:20,040
Speaker 1: when we met, I was like, where's my gift? Like

587
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:22,000
Speaker 1: where is it? It's like, do you not love me?

588
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:24,720
Speaker 1: And I would be giving her these grand gestures and

589
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:26,480
Speaker 1: gifts on her birthday and she'd be like, I just

590
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:28,280
Speaker 1: want to spend time with you, and.

591
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:29,520
Speaker 2: Okay, I want you to break mine down.

592
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:29,760
Speaker 1: Go on.

593
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,800
Speaker 2: I'm acts of service? Yes, what does it mean that

594
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,879
Speaker 2: giving out receiving? I like getting acts of service? Like,

595
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,080
Speaker 2: if you want to love me acts of service?

596
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:44,760
Speaker 1: Well, that's the hardest one, right was amazing is a

597
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:45,520
Speaker 1: talented man?

598
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:49,040
Speaker 2: That is I mean it's like the vacuums make the

599
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:51,280
Speaker 2: best and the thing that I asked you one time

600
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:52,040
Speaker 2: and it's done.

601
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:55,320
Speaker 1: Wow, that is impressive. Oh yeah, active service is one

602
00:25:55,359 --> 00:26:00,639
Speaker 1: of the hardest ones. Oh, so I'm hard. No you're not. No. No,

603
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:06,280
Speaker 1: So that's me projecting my bias and how scary. That's

604
00:26:06,359 --> 00:26:08,359
Speaker 1: me going, oh my god, I'm so glad that I

605
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,040
Speaker 1: could never do that. I could never live up to that.

606
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:12,439
Speaker 1: But no, that's beautiful and that's what I mean. That

607
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:15,439
Speaker 1: you are with a partner who understands that, loves that,

608
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:16,960
Speaker 1: is able to give that, and that's great.

609
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:21,280
Speaker 2: Love languages are very important in relationships, and Justin's time

610
00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:24,239
Speaker 2: spent and physical touch okay, those are his tops. So

611
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,919
Speaker 2: I just know that, like I know what he needs

612
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,199
Speaker 2: and you knows what I need. And I think that

613
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,920
Speaker 2: anybody who feels like they're not connecting with their partner

614
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:34,200
Speaker 2: should read that book.

615
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,320
Speaker 1: One hundred percent. I love that book. I recommend it

616
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:38,400
Speaker 1: to everyone. And I think the biggest thing we should

617
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,880
Speaker 1: all notice is until you read that book and until

618
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:43,639
Speaker 1: you figure out love languages, you are speaking different languages, right,

619
00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:45,919
Speaker 1: and so it's like literally speaking to your partner in

620
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,080
Speaker 1: a language they don't understand, right, And so you could

621
00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:50,240
Speaker 1: be doing everything like for example, for you, you know,

622
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:52,399
Speaker 1: Justin could be buying you like the best gifts in

623
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:54,520
Speaker 1: the world and taking on fancy holidays and all this

624
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:56,200
Speaker 1: kind of stuff, but he's not doing acts of service,

625
00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,119
Speaker 1: and you're going to be like, well, now, what doesn't

626
00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:01,639
Speaker 1: he love me? Yeah, exactly any and he does. Like

627
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:03,960
Speaker 1: you may be with someone, anyone who's listening and watching

628
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,800
Speaker 1: this right now. You may have someone who loves you deeply.

629
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:10,320
Speaker 1: You've just never articulated what your love language is. You

630
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:12,439
Speaker 1: have to speak up. You have to share it. You

631
00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 1: can't no one can read in between the lines. You

632
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:17,119
Speaker 1: can't expect that person to figure it out by looking

633
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:19,239
Speaker 1: at you. You need to tell them this is how

634
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:22,200
Speaker 1: I feel most loved right This is what I need

635
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,280
Speaker 1: to feel loved. And I see so many couples that

636
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,680
Speaker 1: get scared about saying this or doing this or there.

637
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:30,280
Speaker 1: It's like hard for your ego because being able to

638
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:32,840
Speaker 1: have enough vulnerability and openness to say to your wife,

639
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:36,160
Speaker 1: I need you to tell me I've got this right

640
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,680
Speaker 1: like words of affirmation that I need words of affirmations,

641
00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:40,480
Speaker 1: and you know, the ego goes, oh no, I don't

642
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:43,320
Speaker 1: really need that for my wife. But you have to

643
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:44,840
Speaker 1: share it. If you don't tell them that, how are

644
00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:46,680
Speaker 1: they're going to know. You're got to put your ego

645
00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:48,520
Speaker 1: aside and be really open and honest.

646
00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:50,919
Speaker 2: Everything you talk about on social media and through your

647
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,960
Speaker 2: videos is so emotional based, and there's just a lot

648
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:58,240
Speaker 2: of like that inner work, especially like with relationships. But

649
00:27:58,359 --> 00:28:02,120
Speaker 2: what about the physical aspect, like physical like the intimacy

650
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:02,920
Speaker 2: and all of that.

651
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:04,600
Speaker 1: Do you ever touch on any of that?

652
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:05,760
Speaker 2: Ah?

653
00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:08,440
Speaker 1: Let me think I've definitely talked about it from an

654
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,800
Speaker 1: abuse point of view, right, You're talking about from a.

655
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:13,600
Speaker 2: From well, like when you're married, sex is important, yeah, right,

656
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:16,359
Speaker 2: And I think that for me, my understanding is like

657
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:22,200
Speaker 2: you have to have the emotional first before the sex

658
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,760
Speaker 2: can stay consistent, correct and great.

659
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,600
Speaker 1: It's so much easier to talk about that or go

660
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:29,000
Speaker 1: into that, And that's why I focus so much on

661
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:31,560
Speaker 1: my content on the other side, right, And my content

662
00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:35,840
Speaker 1: is so heavily focused on the compatibility, on the healing,

663
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:38,440
Speaker 1: on the deep work, because I'm like, if people get

664
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:41,400
Speaker 1: this right, they're gonna have an amazing relationships, You're gonna

665
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:43,920
Speaker 1: have amazing physical Like everything's gonna be great. But when

666
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:45,960
Speaker 1: you look at all these magazine covers and you always see, like,

667
00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:48,280
Speaker 1: you know, the seven things she wants in bed and

668
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:50,840
Speaker 1: the three things, and it's always those things. And that's

669
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:52,360
Speaker 1: what I love about what I've been able to do

670
00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:54,880
Speaker 1: with video is that we've shifted the conversation. The videos

671
00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:57,160
Speaker 1: game millions, millions and millions of views, but we're talking

672
00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:59,440
Speaker 1: about stuff that actually is going to make a difference,

673
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:01,760
Speaker 1: right Whereas you telling someone like, these are the three

674
00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:03,560
Speaker 1: things she wants in bed, like, that's not going to

675
00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:06,479
Speaker 1: change your relationship. If you aren't compatible, if you don't connect,

676
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:08,440
Speaker 1: if you don't speak the right love languages, if you're

677
00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:11,760
Speaker 1: not empathetic, if you're not vulnerable, like, then that three

678
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:13,680
Speaker 1: list of this and seven lists of that isn't going

679
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:16,200
Speaker 1: to do anything. It's void. And that's where I'm trying

680
00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:17,840
Speaker 1: to get to with people, because I don't want people

681
00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:20,120
Speaker 1: to use sex as a substitute for that, and I

682
00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:22,240
Speaker 1: don't want people to use sex as an excuse for that,

683
00:29:22,560 --> 00:29:24,160
Speaker 1: and I don't want people to use sex as a

684
00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:26,080
Speaker 1: cover up for not having any of that, because I

685
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:28,840
Speaker 1: know having been in tons of relationships where it was

686
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:33,400
Speaker 1: just physical and that's all there was. That's the only

687
00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:35,720
Speaker 1: time it felt good. It didn't felt good at any

688
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:37,560
Speaker 1: other time. I didn't go home with a beautiful feeling

689
00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:40,120
Speaker 1: in my heart. And then when it's only about that,

690
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:42,600
Speaker 1: that's also when it can be easily replaced, right, Because

691
00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:44,880
Speaker 1: that's easily changeable, right, And that's why I think so

692
00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:46,720
Speaker 1: many people go through and I talk about my videos

693
00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:50,160
Speaker 1: so much about cheating and loyalty, because when it is

694
00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:52,920
Speaker 1: just physical, it becomes so much more easier to just

695
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:54,760
Speaker 1: disconnect and till away it's happened.

696
00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:58,560
Speaker 2: And now heartbreak, Yes, what's your advice on heartbreak?

697
00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:00,080
Speaker 1: I know you.

698
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:03,080
Speaker 2: You have a video up it's like the five things

699
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:05,520
Speaker 2: people should do through heartbreak, and one of them is like,

700
00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:08,640
Speaker 2: get rid of everything from the past and only focus

701
00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:11,480
Speaker 2: on the present in the future. I like that's hard

702
00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:11,960
Speaker 2: for people.

703
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:15,600
Speaker 1: I like getting rid of visual triggers. I think the

704
00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:17,920
Speaker 1: challenge in a lot of our lives is that we're

705
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:21,280
Speaker 1: surrounded by the same sounds, the same sights, right, and

706
00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:23,920
Speaker 1: the same people that we were in our past. And

707
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:25,760
Speaker 1: I see this with anything. And I'm sure you felt

708
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:28,840
Speaker 1: this when you went deeper into your faith. Did your

709
00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:29,640
Speaker 1: circles change?

710
00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:30,560
Speaker 2: Right?

711
00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:33,239
Speaker 1: When you went deeper into your faith? Did what you

712
00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:36,520
Speaker 1: look at change? Right? So you look at my heart change,

713
00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:38,600
Speaker 1: your heart changed, but internal lint external?

714
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:41,320
Speaker 2: Yes, Because for me, when I transformed in my faith,

715
00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:44,040
Speaker 2: it was a transformation of my heart, yes, not about

716
00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:46,440
Speaker 2: what I was actually doing or not doing correct.

717
00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:48,600
Speaker 1: And that's what I feel for anyone, anyone that I've

718
00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:52,719
Speaker 1: witnessed and observed go through transformation in their life. Their

719
00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:54,880
Speaker 1: environments have changed, and so for me, a lot of

720
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,480
Speaker 1: us are making it harder for yourself. It's like saying,

721
00:30:57,560 --> 00:31:00,440
Speaker 1: I want to start working out every day, but I

722
00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:02,680
Speaker 1: don't own any trainers. Right, It's like that's not going

723
00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:04,520
Speaker 1: to work. It's like doing the opposite, Like I want

724
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:06,800
Speaker 1: to go on a diet, but I'm going to keep

725
00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:10,360
Speaker 1: chocolate cake in my refrigerator, right Like it's that. So

726
00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:13,160
Speaker 1: you're saying, I want to get over the past, but

727
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:16,600
Speaker 1: I'm going to keep my ex's sweater right next to me,

728
00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:18,600
Speaker 1: and I'm going to keep all these text messages that

729
00:31:18,600 --> 00:31:19,440
Speaker 1: I could keep reading through.

730
00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:21,920
Speaker 2: Again, why do people go back and read text messages

731
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 2: because from someone that broke their.

732
00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:29,120
Speaker 1: Heart, Because nostalgia and imagination is more powerful, right, the

733
00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:31,800
Speaker 1: feeling of nostalgia, And this is in studies too, Like

734
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:34,960
Speaker 1: the research by nostalgia is you always think things were

735
00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:37,120
Speaker 1: better in the past with something like that. So you

736
00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:39,160
Speaker 1: read a message, You're like, oh, but they love me

737
00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:42,320
Speaker 1: so much and now, what you're doing is reality is here,

738
00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:45,160
Speaker 1: and you've got your own version of reality playing here.

739
00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:47,480
Speaker 1: So you're basically writing your own movie script up here

740
00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:51,840
Speaker 1: when reality is telling you this, and nostalgia is that script.

741
00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:53,000
Speaker 2: That fantasy that's never going to be.

742
00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:55,040
Speaker 1: That fantasy that isn't real. So it's you saying I

743
00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:59,120
Speaker 1: don't want to accept what is, and I'm trying to accept.

744
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:02,480
Speaker 2: What if those people who can't get over that hump?

745
00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:06,000
Speaker 1: What do you tell them? One of the biggest things

746
00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:08,200
Speaker 1: like do you really want no? No, no, no, no, it's good,

747
00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:11,120
Speaker 1: it's a good conversation. I think one of the biggest

748
00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:13,360
Speaker 1: things I say to people is just like, let's kind

749
00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:16,800
Speaker 1: of break their space that they're in. It's almost like

750
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:19,840
Speaker 1: that person needs a space change and they need to

751
00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:22,160
Speaker 1: get out of that zone. And so for me, I'm

752
00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:24,920
Speaker 1: always encouraging people to start doing new things. I think

753
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:27,240
Speaker 1: it's so powerful when you go and have a new experience,

754
00:32:27,560 --> 00:32:29,400
Speaker 1: when you try something new, you join a new class,

755
00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:32,200
Speaker 1: you've never done it before, because guess what, it's about

756
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:36,000
Speaker 1: finding yourself again. So you're now learning new things about yourself.

757
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:39,120
Speaker 1: You're now falling in love with yourself. It's about falling

758
00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:40,720
Speaker 1: in love with you correct, And I think that the

759
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:42,880
Speaker 1: biggest mistake we make in that time is everyone's telling you, oh,

760
00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:44,800
Speaker 1: when's the rebound, Like are you going to date this guy?

761
00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:46,920
Speaker 1: When are you going to start dating again or this girl?

762
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:48,720
Speaker 1: When you're going to be out there again? And it's

763
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:50,800
Speaker 1: almost like, well, no, maybe it's about I go inside

764
00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:54,800
Speaker 1: this time and spend some time with myself. And I

765
00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:57,680
Speaker 1: think new experiences are a beautiful way of doing that,

766
00:32:57,720 --> 00:33:00,640
Speaker 1: because you only learn new things about yourself when you

767
00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:04,280
Speaker 1: do new things with yourself right free. You never, like,

768
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:07,200
Speaker 1: we never do new things with ourselves. You're always you're

769
00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:09,000
Speaker 1: always doing the same things with the same people. But

770
00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:11,440
Speaker 1: imagine you start doing new things on your own, and

771
00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:13,560
Speaker 1: now you have new memories. And one of the things

772
00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:16,320
Speaker 1: I've been talking about a lot with people is forming

773
00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:20,000
Speaker 1: new memories. If you don't make new memories, the old

774
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:22,600
Speaker 1: ones will always hold you back. And that's why we're

775
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:24,880
Speaker 1: stuck in the old because we're not making any new ones,

776
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:26,920
Speaker 1: so the old ones just keep pulling you back. So

777
00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:29,240
Speaker 1: the best way to make new memories is a set

778
00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:31,000
Speaker 1: up an experience do with a friend that you love,

779
00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:33,920
Speaker 1: and when you go out there, it's this technique that's

780
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:36,000
Speaker 1: often used for grounding and therapy and everything, but I

781
00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:37,800
Speaker 1: use it for presents and that's how we were trained

782
00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:40,400
Speaker 1: in it as monks. When you go somewhere and you're like,

783
00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:41,800
Speaker 1: I want to take a mental picture of this. How

784
00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:43,320
Speaker 1: many times have you ever said that? Where you go somewhere,

785
00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:45,200
Speaker 1: you're like, I want to have this in my mind

786
00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:46,680
Speaker 1: and I want to keep it forever, and the iPhone

787
00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:48,920
Speaker 1: camera is not and the camera is not going to

788
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:50,440
Speaker 1: do it. It's not going to keep it emotionally. And

789
00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:53,880
Speaker 1: I think we're so bad at creating emotional memories that

790
00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:55,560
Speaker 1: are new. So the best way to do it is

791
00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:58,480
Speaker 1: called five four three two one. Okay, So when you're

792
00:33:58,520 --> 00:33:59,720
Speaker 1: in a space and let's say I want to do

793
00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:02,680
Speaker 1: it this, I look at five things that I can see,

794
00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:04,640
Speaker 1: So five things that I can see right now. So

795
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:07,800
Speaker 1: I'm going to say, you obviously important part of the memory.

796
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:10,040
Speaker 2: You're important too. Yeah, Yeah, I'm doing it with you.

797
00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:12,279
Speaker 1: Yeah. I'm going to say the rug, So I'm getting

798
00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:15,719
Speaker 1: for space. You're going to look at the ceiling, so one, two, three, four,

799
00:34:15,960 --> 00:34:17,600
Speaker 1: I'm going to say, the couch. There five things that

800
00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:20,560
Speaker 1: I can see. The second thing is four things that

801
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:24,239
Speaker 1: you can touch. Okay, so four things I can touch my.

802
00:34:24,239 --> 00:34:29,200
Speaker 2: Silky dress, really dry skin. You're good at descriptions, silky dress,

803
00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:35,680
Speaker 2: dry skin, this is good. Texted ro yes and oh yeah, amazing.

804
00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:40,520
Speaker 2: Three things that you can hear. I can hear the light, yes,

805
00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:42,279
Speaker 2: I can hear myself swallow, and I can hear your

806
00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:43,520
Speaker 2: voice perfect.

807
00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:46,280
Speaker 1: And then two things that you can smell.

808
00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:52,319
Speaker 2: I can smell my garlic breath. I'm having a hard

809
00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:55,720
Speaker 2: time smelling basically anything because you can hear how clogged

810
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:58,120
Speaker 2: I am. Yeah, me too, but maybe my perfume.

811
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:00,600
Speaker 1: Okay. And then one thing about me. Yeah, no, that's

812
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:04,440
Speaker 1: and the one thing you can taste garlic. Great. So

813
00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:09,880
Speaker 1: if you did that in an experience, then all you

814
00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:12,319
Speaker 1: have to do to make a mental picture, to take

815
00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:13,879
Speaker 1: a mental picture of everything you do. Five four, three

816
00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:16,400
Speaker 1: to one. Five things you can see, four things you

817
00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:19,680
Speaker 1: can touch, three things you can hear, two things you

818
00:35:19,719 --> 00:35:22,000
Speaker 1: can smell, and one thing you can taste. I really

819
00:35:22,080 --> 00:35:24,239
Speaker 1: like that. Yeah, it's beautiful. And this is what I

820
00:35:24,239 --> 00:35:26,040
Speaker 1: mean by when you're going through a breakup, the biggest

821
00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:28,000
Speaker 1: mistake you make is the old memories hold you back

822
00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:29,920
Speaker 1: because you don't know how to make new memories. And

823
00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:32,880
Speaker 1: so my advice to everyone is go and make new memories.

824
00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:35,200
Speaker 2: Okay, So I did Tony Robbins right, and it was

825
00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:38,160
Speaker 2: the lightning. It was fun and the biggest thing that

826
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:41,000
Speaker 2: I came away with was I don't live in the present.

827
00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:44,799
Speaker 2: I'm constantly living for the what's next. Yes, here we go,

828
00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:48,400
Speaker 2: you know, okay, team, it's time to hustle. And he

829
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:50,120
Speaker 2: said what are you grateful for? And I mean I

830
00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:51,919
Speaker 2: could sit there and say, I'm grateful for my health,

831
00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:53,920
Speaker 2: I'm grateful for my family, I'm great, you know, like

832
00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:56,200
Speaker 2: I could list a few things, but he said, what

833
00:35:56,200 --> 00:35:58,000
Speaker 2: are you grateful for in your career? And it's like

834
00:35:58,360 --> 00:36:03,000
Speaker 2: I had to really go so deep. And I think

835
00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:06,080
Speaker 2: that maybe if I started doing in the five four

836
00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:09,279
Speaker 2: three two one, I would be able to go back

837
00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:15,120
Speaker 2: to experiences that I thought my heart remembered, but my

838
00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:19,040
Speaker 2: mind did it totally. And I am totally implementing five

839
00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:19,840
Speaker 2: fourth three.

840
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:21,440
Speaker 1: And that's exactly what it's so today it's used for

841
00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:23,239
Speaker 1: a lot of people who struggle with anxiety to bring

842
00:36:23,239 --> 00:36:25,080
Speaker 1: them back into the moment. When we were trained in

843
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:27,319
Speaker 1: as monks, it was what we did for presents, like

844
00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:29,160
Speaker 1: is Zellie what you said. And this is why the

845
00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:31,480
Speaker 1: biggest mistake we make is when you're having an experience,

846
00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:35,000
Speaker 1: the only sense we activate is the eyes. And that's

847
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:36,480
Speaker 1: where when you're trying to think of a past memory,

848
00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:38,480
Speaker 1: you go, what was it again? Because you have to

849
00:36:38,520 --> 00:36:39,880
Speaker 1: close your eyes because that was the only one that

850
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:42,239
Speaker 1: was activated. Whereas what we've done with five four three

851
00:36:42,239 --> 00:36:45,640
Speaker 1: to one is you've now absorbed this memory through all

852
00:36:45,719 --> 00:36:48,319
Speaker 1: the five senses, which means each one of them is

853
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:50,880
Speaker 1: going to give you a different bond. And I like it. Yeah, wow,

854
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:52,400
Speaker 1: all right, switching gears a little bit.

855
00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:58,040
Speaker 2: I really feel like insecurities breed negativity, right, And a

856
00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:00,480
Speaker 2: model that I like to live by is kill people

857
00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:02,880
Speaker 2: with kindness. What do you think about that?

858
00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:06,359
Speaker 1: Yeah? I love that. I agree with you completely. This

859
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:08,719
Speaker 1: is the beautiful thing that happens when you say thank

860
00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:11,520
Speaker 1: you to someone who's kind to you. It does three things.

861
00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:14,799
Speaker 1: The first thing is you recognize kindness, So now you're

862
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:18,120
Speaker 1: triggering your mind to start recognizing kindness and you're not

863
00:37:18,239 --> 00:37:21,160
Speaker 1: recognizing kindness in them. The second thing you do is

864
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:23,960
Speaker 1: you reinforce kindness in them. They realize they're like, oh,

865
00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:26,560
Speaker 1: when I'm kind people appreciate it, so I'm going to

866
00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:29,839
Speaker 1: be more kind. So you've now reinforced kindness within them.

867
00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:31,960
Speaker 1: And the third thing is you help them repeat it.

868
00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:35,200
Speaker 1: Now that you've shown them that their kindness is reciprocated,

869
00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:38,040
Speaker 1: they're now going to be kind to more people. So

870
00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:41,560
Speaker 1: when you recognize kindness in someone, it reinforces that belief

871
00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:44,680
Speaker 1: that kindness is amazing, and then they repeat that kindness

872
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:47,360
Speaker 1: to other people. So now you've started this domino effect

873
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:50,680
Speaker 1: of kindness just by thanking one person who knew.

874
00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:53,120
Speaker 2: It's so interesting to hear you talking about being a

875
00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:55,080
Speaker 2: monk and like how you spend half the day working

876
00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:58,080
Speaker 2: on yourself and half of the other day working to

877
00:37:58,160 --> 00:38:02,080
Speaker 2: give out to others. What is your take on putting

878
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:05,040
Speaker 2: yourself first? And like is it selfish?

879
00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:10,480
Speaker 1: So with monkey teachings, the point is you are taking

880
00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:14,759
Speaker 1: care of yourself first in order to serve better. So

881
00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:17,560
Speaker 1: it's always like I'm going to put myself first so

882
00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:19,800
Speaker 1: that I can fill up so that I can serve

883
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:22,200
Speaker 1: with more it because we want to serve with our

884
00:38:22,239 --> 00:38:24,439
Speaker 1: best selves. I always say this people. It's like people

885
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:26,080
Speaker 1: just like Jay, should I go to this party? Should

886
00:38:26,080 --> 00:38:27,960
Speaker 1: I go oud to this event? Should I call up

887
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:30,080
Speaker 1: this person, Should I do this? Should I do that?

888
00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:31,560
Speaker 1: I'm just like, well, if you're going to show up

889
00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:34,280
Speaker 1: there with that energy where you're gonna have to convince

890
00:38:34,320 --> 00:38:36,160
Speaker 1: yourself to go, then guess what that person's going to

891
00:38:36,200 --> 00:38:38,080
Speaker 1: feel that, right, is if you're want to show up

892
00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:39,360
Speaker 1: and you're gonna show up with your best So I

893
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:44,120
Speaker 1: feel for me, it's not selfish. If the intention is

894
00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:46,759
Speaker 1: I want to give more and serve more, that's good.

895
00:38:46,840 --> 00:38:48,839
Speaker 1: It's selfish when it's just like, oh, I'm just gonna

896
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:50,799
Speaker 1: take care of myself because that's all that matters. Right

897
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,000
Speaker 1: where it's just like, no, I'm gonna take it on

898
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:53,960
Speaker 1: myself because I want to give my best self to

899
00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:56,000
Speaker 1: the people I love, to the people of the world,

900
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:57,719
Speaker 1: to the people I care for, and so I'm going

901
00:38:57,760 --> 00:39:00,960
Speaker 1: to keep prioritizing myself. So I went down the wrong journey.

902
00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:03,400
Speaker 1: When I first started wanting to serve, I used to

903
00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:04,879
Speaker 1: just think, Oh, I'm going to stay up all night.

904
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:07,319
Speaker 1: Someone needs me to drive halfway across the country, I'll

905
00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:09,799
Speaker 1: do that. And I would do things like that, and

906
00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:12,319
Speaker 1: I started to realize I was just people pleasing. I

907
00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:15,400
Speaker 1: wasn't serving. I was actually serving my own ego. That

908
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,560
Speaker 1: was the most selfish thing. Interesting, it was the most

909
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,680
Speaker 1: selfish thing because it's just people pleasing. But then I realized,

910
00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:21,239
Speaker 1: actually me saying, look, you know what, I need to

911
00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:23,239
Speaker 1: go a good night's sleep tonight, but I promise you

912
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:24,640
Speaker 1: first in the morning, we're going to talk about this

913
00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:26,480
Speaker 1: and I'm going to bring my best self to this conversation.

914
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:28,960
Speaker 1: People started to respect that and value that and gave

915
00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:31,080
Speaker 1: me that space. And so for me, as long as

916
00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:33,880
Speaker 1: your intention is clear that you're putting yourself first so

917
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:36,319
Speaker 1: you can give more, that's the best thing you can do.

918
00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:38,920
Speaker 1: Because I don't want to die early because I'm negligent

919
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:40,879
Speaker 1: of my health, because I mean, you're going to serve

920
00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:41,960
Speaker 1: less in the long term.

921
00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:44,560
Speaker 2: And have you noticed this shift on social media where

922
00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:46,480
Speaker 2: it feels like we're all kind of competing in the

923
00:39:46,560 --> 00:39:49,880
Speaker 2: self care Olympics. What do you feel like that pressure

924
00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:53,600
Speaker 2: is that for everybody just to like look and feel centered.

925
00:39:53,760 --> 00:39:55,560
Speaker 1: I think it's a good thing that people are now

926
00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:58,520
Speaker 1: starting to realize that fatigue is not a badge of honor,

927
00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:02,000
Speaker 1: that you're only successful if you feel that way at

928
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:03,680
Speaker 1: the end of the day. But I think this is

929
00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:06,960
Speaker 1: what always happens in the world. Balance only comes when

930
00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:09,400
Speaker 1: we go from one extreme to the other extreme. So

931
00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:11,480
Speaker 1: at one point, maybe a few years ago, I don't

932
00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:13,680
Speaker 1: know how long, people were always like, you have to,

933
00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:16,040
Speaker 1: you know, grind and hustle, and that's the only thing

934
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,319
Speaker 1: about success. And you have to work hard. And if

935
00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:20,200
Speaker 1: you're not tired, then you're never going to be successful.

936
00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:21,640
Speaker 1: You're never going to be a millionaire, billion or whatever

937
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:23,319
Speaker 1: it is. And I think that was the talk. And

938
00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:25,279
Speaker 1: now the talk's gone the other way. If you're not

939
00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:27,360
Speaker 1: getting a message every week and you're not you know,

940
00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:31,960
Speaker 1: sleeping eight hours and massages, yes, exactly, and then it

941
00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:34,439
Speaker 1: goes to the other extreme. And that's how the world

942
00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:37,200
Speaker 1: gets back into balance. Right, And we know the answers

943
00:40:37,239 --> 00:40:40,120
Speaker 1: the middle, right, We know that you need to feel

944
00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:42,719
Speaker 1: a bit stretched in order to work on yourself. You

945
00:40:42,760 --> 00:40:44,919
Speaker 1: need to work on yourself to stretch yourself a little more.

946
00:40:45,360 --> 00:40:48,239
Speaker 1: And life is never the perfect middle. It's constantly back

947
00:40:48,239 --> 00:40:50,760
Speaker 1: and forth. And I think that's the mistake. We're looking

948
00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:53,839
Speaker 1: for middle, or we're looking for extreme, and actually it's

949
00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:56,200
Speaker 1: just back and forth. It's just oscillating. I'm never at

950
00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:57,320
Speaker 1: a point where I'm like, oh my life is in

951
00:40:57,360 --> 00:40:58,879
Speaker 1: perfect balance, because balance is a myth.

952
00:40:59,080 --> 00:41:01,920
Speaker 2: What are three pices for self care that you live

953
00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:03,960
Speaker 2: by or that you give as examples?

954
00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:07,760
Speaker 1: One of my favorite ones is what I talk about

955
00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:12,120
Speaker 1: emotional vocabulary. So Harvard and you can google this has

956
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:16,800
Speaker 1: this great table and it shows how limited our emotional

957
00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:19,200
Speaker 1: vocabulary is. So what I mean by this is if

958
00:41:19,239 --> 00:41:21,759
Speaker 1: someone asks you, how's your week been? That's all right?

959
00:41:22,200 --> 00:41:26,560
Speaker 1: All right? Good? Bad? Fine? Okay? Right, how's your wee

960
00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:29,920
Speaker 1: going good? How's your day been? Okay? How are you

961
00:41:29,920 --> 00:41:33,440
Speaker 1: doing tonight? Fine? Right? That's literally how we describe our lives.

962
00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:37,160
Speaker 1: Sometimes I say so good, I love it good. At

963
00:41:37,239 --> 00:41:41,160
Speaker 1: least you've got an expansive emotional vocabulary so expensive, but

964
00:41:41,840 --> 00:41:44,359
Speaker 1: our emotional vocabulary so limited. Now there's a challenge here.

965
00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:48,319
Speaker 1: We don't get to understand how we truly feel because

966
00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:51,360
Speaker 1: we never articulate and express it. So when you say

967
00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:56,040
Speaker 1: that you're angry, are you offended? Are you irritated? Are

968
00:41:56,040 --> 00:41:59,680
Speaker 1: you defensive? There's so much more to the word angry

969
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:02,160
Speaker 1: than just anger. Or when you say I'm sad. When

970
00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:06,359
Speaker 1: you say you're sad, are you upset? Are you regretful?

971
00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:09,160
Speaker 1: Are you triggered? Right? There's just so much more. When

972
00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:12,200
Speaker 1: you self diagnose and you limit your vocabulary, you're just like, oh,

973
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:15,840
Speaker 1: I'm just sad, I'm just angry, and which means that

974
00:42:15,960 --> 00:42:18,359
Speaker 1: you can't articulate to yourself what you're really dealing with,

975
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:21,040
Speaker 1: and you can't articulate to a friend what you're dealing with,

976
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:24,640
Speaker 1: so you don't feel understood. And feeling understood is such

977
00:42:24,680 --> 00:42:27,759
Speaker 1: an important part of self care. The feeling that I

978
00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:31,640
Speaker 1: can articulate what I'm really going through and someone understands me.

979
00:42:32,200 --> 00:42:34,040
Speaker 1: That's huge for self care. I think it's one of

980
00:42:34,040 --> 00:42:36,080
Speaker 1: the most important things of self care. When you look

981
00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:39,359
Speaker 1: at someone and you feel they really get me. Isn't

982
00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:42,080
Speaker 1: that so good for your confidence and your self worth

983
00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:45,640
Speaker 1: and your significance. You like that feel loved exactly all

984
00:42:45,680 --> 00:42:47,920
Speaker 1: in one moment. So for me, that's one of the

985
00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:50,439
Speaker 1: best self care techniques is when I'm struggling with something,

986
00:42:50,520 --> 00:42:53,239
Speaker 1: let me not settle for the base level emotion, let

987
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,880
Speaker 1: me really understand it. And then if you're speaking to

988
00:42:55,920 --> 00:42:57,719
Speaker 1: a therapist, you're speaking to your adoptor you're speaking to

989
00:42:57,760 --> 00:43:00,920
Speaker 1: your friend, you can now actually articulate it better so

990
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:03,800
Speaker 1: they can actually help you back Wow, and you full understood.

991
00:43:04,120 --> 00:43:07,080
Speaker 1: The second yeah, The second self get that I absolutely

992
00:43:07,160 --> 00:43:10,799
Speaker 1: love is how we talk to ourselves, right, and so

993
00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:13,400
Speaker 1: this to me is probably the biggest one. One thing

994
00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:15,080
Speaker 1: I was talking about is I looked at the definition

995
00:43:15,120 --> 00:43:17,880
Speaker 1: of confidence, and I've never done this, but I love.

996
00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:20,839
Speaker 2: Literally I haven't either. I've never talked about confidence all

997
00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:21,080
Speaker 2: the time.

998
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:23,440
Speaker 1: So I told I look at the definition and it

999
00:43:23,520 --> 00:43:26,719
Speaker 1: starts off by talking about self assurance and you think, okay, yeah,

1000
00:43:26,760 --> 00:43:29,080
Speaker 1: that's what I imagine when confidence. And then it says

1001
00:43:29,760 --> 00:43:34,480
Speaker 1: and it's the appreciation of one's own abilities and qualities,

1002
00:43:35,239 --> 00:43:39,800
Speaker 1: which blew my mind. Notice it didn't say receiving appreciation

1003
00:43:40,560 --> 00:43:44,640
Speaker 1: for your qualities self. Yeah, appreciation of one's own abilities

1004
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:47,040
Speaker 1: and qualities, not the appreciation of others, not the validation

1005
00:43:47,120 --> 00:43:48,640
Speaker 1: of our there's not the approval of others.

1006
00:43:48,719 --> 00:43:51,040
Speaker 2: But that's why you can say I have confidence in you,

1007
00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:53,760
Speaker 2: correct or I have confidence in myself correct.

1008
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:57,040
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, And so the way we talk to ourselves

1009
00:43:57,280 --> 00:43:59,279
Speaker 1: is all over the place. It's key. When you're going

1010
00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:01,319
Speaker 1: out to a party, you dress up and you look

1011
00:44:01,360 --> 00:44:03,040
Speaker 1: at the person and you go, how do I look

1012
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:05,520
Speaker 1: in this? And I'm like, no, ask yourself, how do

1013
00:44:05,680 --> 00:44:08,239
Speaker 1: I look in this like how do I feel in this?

1014
00:44:08,560 --> 00:44:10,360
Speaker 1: Or when you go to an interview people say how

1015
00:44:10,400 --> 00:44:13,040
Speaker 1: would people describe me in three words? It's like, why

1016
00:44:13,040 --> 00:44:14,560
Speaker 1: do we care about how people would describe it? How

1017
00:44:14,600 --> 00:44:17,960
Speaker 1: would I describe myself in three words? And so for me,

1018
00:44:18,080 --> 00:44:20,160
Speaker 1: the way we talk to ourselves is such a big thing.

1019
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:22,239
Speaker 1: So I have this mechanism that I love coaching people

1020
00:44:22,239 --> 00:44:25,160
Speaker 1: on and sharing with people. It's called spot stop swap

1021
00:44:25,320 --> 00:44:30,919
Speaker 1: spot my British accent. Okay, spot spot a spot of tea.

1022
00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:35,520
Speaker 1: Spot stop stop swap swap. Yeah. So every time that's

1023
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:37,760
Speaker 1: very good, that's very very and I'm not even that partial,

1024
00:44:37,760 --> 00:44:39,120
Speaker 1: but you made me sound really fush.

1025
00:44:41,320 --> 00:44:43,239
Speaker 2: I I love it.

1026
00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:47,480
Speaker 1: I feel like we need to hold a bit of tea.

1027
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:50,960
Speaker 1: But spot stop swap. So every time you notice yourself

1028
00:44:51,160 --> 00:44:55,040
Speaker 1: say something negative to yourself, oh, spot it first, start

1029
00:44:55,080 --> 00:44:58,280
Speaker 1: spotting that pattern because that's all it is. It's a pattern.

1030
00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:00,560
Speaker 1: And we don't realize how much the words we say

1031
00:45:00,560 --> 00:45:02,200
Speaker 1: to ourselves have an impact. That when you say something

1032
00:45:02,239 --> 00:45:05,319
Speaker 1: like yourself like oh I'm starving. Right when you say that,

1033
00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:09,360
Speaker 1: guess what your body gets triggered into feeling like it's starving. Son.

1034
00:45:10,600 --> 00:45:12,600
Speaker 1: So do I That's what I'm picking on this example,

1035
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:15,359
Speaker 1: Whereas what you actually mean is I've been lazy, I

1036
00:45:15,400 --> 00:45:18,920
Speaker 1: haven't planned my meals, i haven't eaten for two three hours,

1037
00:45:18,960 --> 00:45:21,279
Speaker 1: and you're saying I'm starving. Starving is the person who

1038
00:45:21,280 --> 00:45:23,080
Speaker 1: doesn't know where their next meal is coming from. You're

1039
00:45:23,120 --> 00:45:26,560
Speaker 1: just hungry and disorganize. And so when we say to myself,

1040
00:45:26,960 --> 00:45:31,480
Speaker 1: I'm exhausted, rather than saying I'm going to make time

1041
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:33,919
Speaker 1: for a nap today or I'm going to sleep earlier today,

1042
00:45:34,480 --> 00:45:37,920
Speaker 1: you're saying the same thing. But what you're saying is changing.

1043
00:45:37,960 --> 00:45:40,279
Speaker 1: It's a spot first, spot that pattern. One of the

1044
00:45:40,280 --> 00:45:42,000
Speaker 1: things I think a lot of people say to themselves

1045
00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:44,920
Speaker 1: is I'm not good enough. I'm ugly, I'm not beautiful.

1046
00:45:45,239 --> 00:45:47,880
Speaker 1: She's beautiful, he's really good looking, he's got a great body,

1047
00:45:47,920 --> 00:45:51,560
Speaker 1: she's whatever. And if you spot that, where is that happening.

1048
00:45:51,600 --> 00:45:54,080
Speaker 1: It's usually happening when you're browsing through social media. So

1049
00:45:54,160 --> 00:45:57,040
Speaker 1: now let's stop. Let's limit the time you spend in

1050
00:45:57,080 --> 00:46:00,640
Speaker 1: that place with that person. Whatever it is that's sparking

1051
00:46:00,680 --> 00:46:03,920
Speaker 1: and triggering that thought, Let's limit that time and then

1052
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:06,120
Speaker 1: let's swap it for something better. So what am I

1053
00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:07,520
Speaker 1: going to swap that with. I'm going to listen to

1054
00:46:07,600 --> 00:46:10,880
Speaker 1: Ashley's podcast. I'm going to read this book that actually recommended,

1055
00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:13,239
Speaker 1: called The Five Love Languages. I'm going to go to

1056
00:46:13,320 --> 00:46:15,200
Speaker 1: a class that I've been wanting to go to, or

1057
00:46:15,239 --> 00:46:17,799
Speaker 1: a workshop or whatever it may be. Like, you've now

1058
00:46:17,880 --> 00:46:21,240
Speaker 1: opened yourself up to swapping it to spot stop swap

1059
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,920
Speaker 1: to start to spot the patterns the way you talk

1060
00:46:23,960 --> 00:46:27,279
Speaker 1: to yourself that are bringing you down. Start stopping being

1061
00:46:27,320 --> 00:46:30,000
Speaker 1: in those places and times that spark that thought because

1062
00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:33,200
Speaker 1: there's usually an alignment, and then swap it, upgrade it

1063
00:46:33,239 --> 00:46:35,880
Speaker 1: for something higher. Yeah that's good.

1064
00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:37,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, I can't say it three times fast though.

1065
00:46:38,080 --> 00:46:47,040
Speaker 1: Spot stops. Yeah. So that's That's really my second one

1066
00:46:47,120 --> 00:46:49,520
Speaker 1: and my third one. This is probably one of my

1067
00:46:49,560 --> 00:46:52,319
Speaker 1: favorite ones right now. And I think we've been told

1068
00:46:52,320 --> 00:46:53,920
Speaker 1: for a long time that you're the average of the

1069
00:46:53,960 --> 00:46:55,799
Speaker 1: five people who spend most time with We've had that

1070
00:46:55,840 --> 00:46:59,319
Speaker 1: again and again and again, and everyone's always like, get

1071
00:46:59,320 --> 00:47:01,839
Speaker 1: together with people and be like and stuff. And I've

1072
00:47:01,840 --> 00:47:03,640
Speaker 1: been thinking about that a lot lately, and I was

1073
00:47:03,719 --> 00:47:05,040
Speaker 1: a lot of my friends were saying, you know, je,

1074
00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:07,279
Speaker 1: I'm always around people, but I still feel lonely. I

1075
00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:09,120
Speaker 1: don't know if you've heard there people like I'm busy,

1076
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:11,359
Speaker 1: but I'm lonely. I'm around people, especially here in LA

1077
00:47:11,400 --> 00:47:13,120
Speaker 1: and New York, right, Yeah, and you feel that people

1078
00:47:13,120 --> 00:47:15,920
Speaker 1: feel lonely. And I said, the challenge is we need

1079
00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:18,120
Speaker 1: to stop getting together and when you start growing together.

1080
00:47:18,120 --> 00:47:22,240
Speaker 1: And what I mean by that is, schedule one experience

1081
00:47:22,760 --> 00:47:26,520
Speaker 1: once a week with a friend. Well, you're both growing together.

1082
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:29,040
Speaker 1: Choose an activity that neither of you are a proa.

1083
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:30,719
Speaker 1: So don't go to yoga class if one of you

1084
00:47:30,840 --> 00:47:32,520
Speaker 1: is a yoga enthusiast and the other is it. Go

1085
00:47:32,600 --> 00:47:35,480
Speaker 1: somewhere where there's a level playing field. Why because you

1086
00:47:35,520 --> 00:47:38,680
Speaker 1: now get a fresh experience together. It's so good because

1087
00:47:38,719 --> 00:47:41,839
Speaker 1: it boosts your confidence. So you're bad totally. And because

1088
00:47:41,840 --> 00:47:44,000
Speaker 1: you're going together and you're both bad, there's no pressure.

1089
00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:46,440
Speaker 1: And my best memory of this is once for training,

1090
00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:49,400
Speaker 1: I was sent to Chicago and it was eighty of

1091
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:51,239
Speaker 1: us who'd never worked together. This was when I joined

1092
00:47:51,239 --> 00:47:53,480
Speaker 1: a corporate company. Eight of us were sent to Chicago

1093
00:47:53,520 --> 00:47:55,719
Speaker 1: for training, but we were told it was Chicago, but

1094
00:47:55,719 --> 00:47:57,600
Speaker 1: actually we were two hours outside of Chicago, in the

1095
00:47:57,600 --> 00:47:59,440
Speaker 1: middle of nowhere, and we'd be at training nine am

1096
00:47:59,480 --> 00:48:00,880
Speaker 1: to six pm, and then at six pm it was

1097
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:03,560
Speaker 1: too late to get into Chicago, so we'd have to

1098
00:48:03,560 --> 00:48:05,120
Speaker 1: do something. And the only thing we could do is

1099
00:48:05,120 --> 00:48:08,000
Speaker 1: play sport because there are all these outdoor sports places.

1100
00:48:08,200 --> 00:48:10,080
Speaker 1: Ten of us every night would go out and we

1101
00:48:10,120 --> 00:48:12,839
Speaker 1: played volleyball in the snow. None of us had ever

1102
00:48:12,840 --> 00:48:14,799
Speaker 1: played volleyball before. I could pick up the phone to

1103
00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:17,080
Speaker 1: any of these people today because we all just had

1104
00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:21,040
Speaker 1: this crazy unique experience together and you're learning something together.

1105
00:48:21,080 --> 00:48:24,880
Speaker 1: I think we underestimate this. Learning something every day is

1106
00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:28,520
Speaker 1: huge for your self care because you only feel good

1107
00:48:28,560 --> 00:48:32,320
Speaker 1: about yourself when you feel your progressing. So I started

1108
00:48:32,320 --> 00:48:35,640
Speaker 1: this really simple habit and it's learning a new word

1109
00:48:35,800 --> 00:48:36,600
Speaker 1: every single day.

1110
00:48:36,960 --> 00:48:39,720
Speaker 2: Oh oh, I've been writing down in my notes.

1111
00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:42,520
Speaker 1: Woh I love this. Okay amazing. So literally learning a

1112
00:48:42,520 --> 00:48:43,839
Speaker 1: new word everything. And you may say, yeah, I want

1113
00:48:43,840 --> 00:48:45,640
Speaker 1: to learn a new city, or I want to learn

1114
00:48:45,640 --> 00:48:47,600
Speaker 1: about a new culture, or I want to learn about

1115
00:48:47,600 --> 00:48:49,440
Speaker 1: a new cuisine, or I want to learn, but make

1116
00:48:49,480 --> 00:48:52,880
Speaker 1: it small and something you can achieve, like in three minutes.

1117
00:48:53,200 --> 00:48:57,759
Speaker 1: And so my word today was maraki mr aki. Yeah,

1118
00:48:57,760 --> 00:48:59,800
Speaker 1: And what it means is to do something with soul

1119
00:49:00,560 --> 00:49:03,000
Speaker 1: or to create and leave a piece of you in it,

1120
00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:05,400
Speaker 1: in what you create. And what I love about that

1121
00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:07,719
Speaker 1: word is, now I've shared that with you. We're not

1122
00:49:07,840 --> 00:49:11,480
Speaker 1: having a discussion about it. You've now contributed to a conversation.

1123
00:49:12,600 --> 00:49:15,440
Speaker 1: Your self worth gets boosted because you've learned something new,

1124
00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:17,400
Speaker 1: You've proved to yourself you can remember and share it.

1125
00:49:17,760 --> 00:49:19,680
Speaker 1: Those are just some answers straight away that came to

1126
00:49:19,719 --> 00:49:22,280
Speaker 1: my mind. Practices that I think are really simple.

1127
00:49:22,640 --> 00:49:25,920
Speaker 2: They are simple. Explain them because I think some people

1128
00:49:25,960 --> 00:49:28,239
Speaker 2: just rattle things off and they don't go into explanation,

1129
00:49:28,360 --> 00:49:31,440
Speaker 2: and I think that's really important. I think that a

1130
00:49:31,480 --> 00:49:35,480
Speaker 2: lot of people are looking for peace. What do you

1131
00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:38,960
Speaker 2: say to those people who are just in search of peace?

1132
00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:41,719
Speaker 1: I'm glad you asked this. So the tagline of my

1133
00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:44,080
Speaker 1: book is called train your mind for peace and purpose

1134
00:49:44,120 --> 00:49:44,640
Speaker 1: every day.

1135
00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:45,120
Speaker 2: Wow.

1136
00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:48,160
Speaker 1: I believe that it's something that can be trained, and

1137
00:49:48,200 --> 00:49:50,759
Speaker 1: I believe it's something that you have to take responsibility for.

1138
00:49:51,520 --> 00:49:55,640
Speaker 1: The world around you is never going to be fully peaceful. Ever,

1139
00:49:56,160 --> 00:49:58,920
Speaker 1: even if there was world peace, you would still not

1140
00:49:59,040 --> 00:50:02,200
Speaker 1: have peace. With a little argument with your partner or

1141
00:50:02,239 --> 00:50:05,080
Speaker 1: a little issue at work. That's never going to disappear.

1142
00:50:05,680 --> 00:50:08,719
Speaker 1: So the desire for everything around you to be calmed

1143
00:50:09,360 --> 00:50:13,080
Speaker 1: is a wishful thought that doesn't have an end, whereas

1144
00:50:13,360 --> 00:50:16,040
Speaker 1: the feeling of wanting to create calm and peace within

1145
00:50:16,280 --> 00:50:20,080
Speaker 1: is very realistic. And the point is that that piece

1146
00:50:20,120 --> 00:50:22,239
Speaker 1: is always going to get triggered. And I think that's

1147
00:50:22,239 --> 00:50:26,640
Speaker 1: the mistake we make. We're looking for this perfect, consistent,

1148
00:50:27,120 --> 00:50:30,879
Speaker 1: never touched definition of piece, whereas piece is something you're

1149
00:50:30,880 --> 00:50:34,479
Speaker 1: constantly training yourself to look for. So what I would

1150
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:36,879
Speaker 1: say is that people should try and find the one

1151
00:50:36,920 --> 00:50:39,520
Speaker 1: activity they have in their day that brings them peace.

1152
00:50:40,160 --> 00:50:42,719
Speaker 1: It could be sitting and having them warning tea. It

1153
00:50:42,760 --> 00:50:44,839
Speaker 1: could be sitting and reading from a book they love.

1154
00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:47,400
Speaker 1: It could be having a beautiful conversation in their partner.

1155
00:50:47,400 --> 00:50:49,879
Speaker 1: Whatever it is, just have one activity a day that

1156
00:50:49,920 --> 00:50:51,680
Speaker 1: brings you peace. In my book, obviously I talk about

1157
00:50:51,680 --> 00:50:54,760
Speaker 1: a lot more than that, but to find just something

1158
00:50:54,800 --> 00:50:57,160
Speaker 1: that brings you peace. It could be a mindset that

1159
00:50:57,200 --> 00:51:00,840
Speaker 1: brings you peace. So I really believe that all stress,

1160
00:51:01,080 --> 00:51:05,080
Speaker 1: pressure or lack of peace comes from your mind being

1161
00:51:05,080 --> 00:51:07,719
Speaker 1: ahead of your body, or your body being ahead of

1162
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:09,600
Speaker 1: your mind. So how many times have you been in

1163
00:51:09,680 --> 00:51:12,400
Speaker 1: a scenario or your mind's like racing really really fast,

1164
00:51:12,480 --> 00:51:14,160
Speaker 1: and your body's like, oh, I just want to be

1165
00:51:14,160 --> 00:51:16,920
Speaker 1: in bed, right, right. Everyone been in that situation, yeah,

1166
00:51:17,040 --> 00:51:21,080
Speaker 1: Or you're in the opposite scenario where your body is

1167
00:51:21,120 --> 00:51:23,640
Speaker 1: moving really really fast doing a lot, but your mind's like, oh,

1168
00:51:23,719 --> 00:51:24,680
Speaker 1: I'm still want to be in bed.

1169
00:51:24,719 --> 00:51:26,239
Speaker 2: Oh that was me, yes, true, right, right.

1170
00:51:26,480 --> 00:51:27,880
Speaker 1: So we've all experienced both.

1171
00:51:28,480 --> 00:51:30,600
Speaker 2: You get into all this in your book, don't you. Yes, Oh,

1172
00:51:30,600 --> 00:51:31,320
Speaker 2: I can't wait.

1173
00:51:31,120 --> 00:51:34,360
Speaker 1: To get it. So the alignment of the two is

1174
00:51:34,400 --> 00:51:36,360
Speaker 1: what creates peace. Let's say why I did. I was

1175
00:51:36,440 --> 00:51:39,120
Speaker 1: running late today and I'm stressing. I'm like, I haven't

1176
00:51:39,160 --> 00:51:41,200
Speaker 1: thought about this, and I don't know what it's about.

1177
00:51:41,200 --> 00:51:42,840
Speaker 1: And maybe i'm you know, all that stuff that we

1178
00:51:42,880 --> 00:51:44,560
Speaker 1: know that you'd be stressed about when you're running to

1179
00:51:44,560 --> 00:51:46,319
Speaker 1: work and I'm sitting in the back of a lift

1180
00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:48,680
Speaker 1: or uber or I'm driving and I turn up to

1181
00:51:48,719 --> 00:51:49,160
Speaker 1: the meeting.

1182
00:51:49,360 --> 00:51:51,680
Speaker 2: Because you live in LA and you can draft correct.

1183
00:51:51,960 --> 00:51:54,920
Speaker 1: So what I would do is I sit down and

1184
00:51:54,960 --> 00:51:57,560
Speaker 1: I breathe in for the same count that I breathe out.

1185
00:51:58,160 --> 00:52:00,320
Speaker 1: So I breathe in for account of four and those

1186
00:52:00,560 --> 00:52:02,600
Speaker 1: through the nose, out through the mouth, and I breathe

1187
00:52:02,640 --> 00:52:04,440
Speaker 1: out for account of four. Now, when you breathe in

1188
00:52:04,480 --> 00:52:06,080
Speaker 1: for the same amount of time as you breathe out,

1189
00:52:06,320 --> 00:52:08,759
Speaker 1: you're lining your body and mind. Why because your mind

1190
00:52:08,840 --> 00:52:11,880
Speaker 1: is counting one two three four and your body in

1191
00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:14,640
Speaker 1: unison is breathing in and out one two three four.

1192
00:52:14,719 --> 00:52:17,160
Speaker 2: This is very similar to hypno birth things.

1193
00:52:17,239 --> 00:52:18,840
Speaker 1: Yes, oh oh no, I didn't know that I was.

1194
00:52:20,400 --> 00:52:23,480
Speaker 2: What they're teaching me through like going through contractions and things.

1195
00:52:23,520 --> 00:52:26,120
Speaker 2: It's amazing because it like it connects your body and

1196
00:52:26,160 --> 00:52:29,040
Speaker 2: your mind and it helps you deal with any kind

1197
00:52:29,120 --> 00:52:31,480
Speaker 2: of stress. Yes, and because I'll be going through physical

1198
00:52:31,480 --> 00:52:33,680
Speaker 2: stress correct, it's going to help me through that.

1199
00:52:33,880 --> 00:52:35,719
Speaker 1: Amazing. Yeah, I love that. And that's the point that

1200
00:52:35,920 --> 00:52:37,799
Speaker 1: whenever your mind or body are ahead or behind of

1201
00:52:37,840 --> 00:52:40,640
Speaker 1: each other, that's where you feel a lack of peace, right,

1202
00:52:40,719 --> 00:52:43,040
Speaker 1: And so you find peace when you come back into alignment.

1203
00:52:43,120 --> 00:52:46,320
Speaker 1: So Gandhi said, when what you think, what you say,

1204
00:52:46,400 --> 00:52:48,759
Speaker 1: and what you do are align, then you'll feel peace

1205
00:52:48,760 --> 00:52:49,440
Speaker 1: and harmony.

1206
00:52:50,040 --> 00:52:52,040
Speaker 2: I'm excited for more J. Shetty knowledge.

1207
00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:53,520
Speaker 1: Thank you. Yeah, you're very kind.

1208
00:52:53,760 --> 00:52:54,640
Speaker 2: No, you're kind.

1209
00:52:54,680 --> 00:52:57,640
Speaker 1: You're very kind, honestly, And I really love our conversations

1210
00:52:57,640 --> 00:53:00,480
Speaker 1: because a you ask an amazing question as well. Be

1211
00:53:00,800 --> 00:53:03,640
Speaker 1: you make it very fun to be around me, and

1212
00:53:04,160 --> 00:53:08,920
Speaker 1: see I'm just so impressed. Right, oh, I am blown away.

1213
00:53:09,040 --> 00:53:11,120
Speaker 2: Thank you for being here having me. But before I

1214
00:53:11,160 --> 00:53:12,719
Speaker 2: let you go, there's one thing that we do at

1215
00:53:12,719 --> 00:53:14,840
Speaker 2: the end of every pretty big deal. Everybody kind of

1216
00:53:14,840 --> 00:53:18,040
Speaker 2: freaks out. You don't have to get up and do

1217
00:53:18,320 --> 00:53:20,000
Speaker 2: but you have to answer a couple of questions. We

1218
00:53:20,040 --> 00:53:23,719
Speaker 2: do the live body lightning round. What's the last pretty

1219
00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:24,600
Speaker 2: penny you spent?

1220
00:53:25,719 --> 00:53:27,520
Speaker 1: Ooh? Probably these?

1221
00:53:28,200 --> 00:53:31,239
Speaker 2: Oh those are good. He's lifting up his ship. These

1222
00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:35,960
Speaker 2: are nice trainers. What's your biggest deal breaker on in

1223
00:53:36,840 --> 00:53:38,000
Speaker 2: any scenario?

1224
00:53:38,400 --> 00:53:41,759
Speaker 1: No? Intention? Oh that's good. If I don't feel someone

1225
00:53:41,800 --> 00:53:44,399
Speaker 1: as an intention, it doesn't have to be right or wrong,

1226
00:53:44,440 --> 00:53:45,919
Speaker 1: because I think that's subjective. Right.

1227
00:53:46,239 --> 00:53:48,239
Speaker 2: But it's like it's like an empty question.

1228
00:53:48,120 --> 00:53:51,200
Speaker 1: Correct, Like where's the heart? Is there? Any heart? Is there? Soul?

1229
00:53:51,320 --> 00:53:54,080
Speaker 1: Is there intention to this? Or is it just because?

1230
00:53:54,600 --> 00:53:55,000
Speaker 1: All right?

1231
00:53:55,200 --> 00:53:57,160
Speaker 2: And because we're on pretty big deal and you're a

1232
00:53:57,160 --> 00:53:59,720
Speaker 2: pretty big deal, I want to know what's a pretty

1233
00:53:59,719 --> 00:54:00,560
Speaker 2: big deal to you.

1234
00:54:00,920 --> 00:54:02,560
Speaker 1: I'm not used to being on the other side of these.

1235
00:54:02,719 --> 00:54:04,120
Speaker 1: I ask a lot of this questions.

1236
00:54:04,560 --> 00:54:05,560
Speaker 2: I put it on the other side.

1237
00:54:05,560 --> 00:54:08,440
Speaker 1: I know you were great. A pretty big deal to

1238
00:54:08,440 --> 00:54:11,680
Speaker 1: me is being able to make really meaningful friendships after

1239
00:54:11,719 --> 00:54:14,600
Speaker 1: thirty years old. As we get older, I think it's

1240
00:54:14,640 --> 00:54:19,040
Speaker 1: hard to build really deep, meaningful relationships. A pretty big

1241
00:54:19,080 --> 00:54:22,480
Speaker 1: deal to me is finding really meaningful, deep, beautiful relationships

1242
00:54:22,520 --> 00:54:24,719
Speaker 1: that are genuine, authentic that I could pick up the

1243
00:54:24,719 --> 00:54:27,160
Speaker 1: phone too in a tough time, that would call me

1244
00:54:27,400 --> 00:54:29,240
Speaker 1: in a tough time. Yeah, I put that above everything.

1245
00:54:29,239 --> 00:54:32,000
Speaker 2: That's a good point there, Jay, Thank you so much

1246
00:54:32,040 --> 00:54:34,160
Speaker 2: for coming on. Thank you, Neil. I really appreciate you.

1247
00:54:34,239 --> 00:54:36,120
Speaker 1: This sears. Thank you. This is so much fun. It was.

1248
00:54:36,239 --> 00:54:49,480
Speaker 1: I love this. Check this out. On an average commercial flight,

1249
00:54:49,880 --> 00:54:53,799
Speaker 1: the captain has the autopilot engaged about ninety percent of

1250
00:54:53,840 --> 00:54:58,439
Speaker 1: the time, and some psychologists estimate that we make about

1251
00:54:58,600 --> 00:55:04,240
Speaker 1: ninety percent of our desc decisions similarly on autopilot without thinking.

1252
00:55:05,200 --> 00:55:08,800
Speaker 1: But unlike an airline pilot, when we take our hands

1253
00:55:08,840 --> 00:55:12,080
Speaker 1: off the controls, we don't usually end up where we

1254
00:55:12,120 --> 00:55:15,800
Speaker 1: want to go. But don't worry. There's a simple way

1255
00:55:15,960 --> 00:55:19,640
Speaker 1: that we can stay dialed In the next seven minutes

1256
00:55:19,760 --> 00:55:24,000
Speaker 1: are about intention and adding direction to the choices you

1257
00:55:24,120 --> 00:55:30,439
Speaker 1: make in life. I'm Jay sheddy, Welcome to the Daily Jay. Now,

1258
00:55:30,480 --> 00:55:34,720
Speaker 1: before we take off, let's pause and take three deep

1259
00:55:35,000 --> 00:55:43,879
Speaker 1: breaths to help us get centered. Breathing in and breathing out,

1260
00:55:46,680 --> 00:56:02,399
Speaker 1: inviting inward and releasing outward, opening up and settling in. Now,

1261
00:56:02,480 --> 00:56:07,239
Speaker 1: let me tell you a story. Before I started high school,

1262
00:56:07,320 --> 00:56:10,440
Speaker 1: if you'd have asked me what my worst subject was,

1263
00:56:10,960 --> 00:56:15,600
Speaker 1: I'd have said art, no question. But then I met

1264
00:56:15,600 --> 00:56:19,400
Speaker 1: mister Buckerridge. He was an art teacher in my school,

1265
00:56:20,000 --> 00:56:23,600
Speaker 1: Tall and thin, and I remember how he always wore

1266
00:56:23,960 --> 00:56:28,360
Speaker 1: these red checked shirts and knit ties. I also remember

1267
00:56:28,440 --> 00:56:31,960
Speaker 1: something mister Buckridge would do that really bugged me, at

1268
00:56:32,040 --> 00:56:36,080
Speaker 1: least at first. He'd stroll around the room looking at

1269
00:56:36,120 --> 00:56:39,160
Speaker 1: our work, and each time he'd stop at my desk

1270
00:56:39,360 --> 00:56:44,440
Speaker 1: and ask me this question why, like, why had I

1271
00:56:44,560 --> 00:56:49,800
Speaker 1: decided to use that color combination? I don't know. I'd say,

1272
00:56:50,239 --> 00:56:54,359
Speaker 1: because it looks cool. Mister Buckrage would shake his head,

1273
00:56:55,360 --> 00:56:59,680
Speaker 1: that's not a real reason. He always pushed me to

1274
00:56:59,760 --> 00:57:03,560
Speaker 1: really think things through, to be clear about my choices,

1275
00:57:04,320 --> 00:57:08,080
Speaker 1: and honestly, that's where I first learned the power and

1276
00:57:08,160 --> 00:57:13,880
Speaker 1: the importance of intentionality. That lesson has helped me throughout

1277
00:57:13,880 --> 00:57:16,760
Speaker 1: my life and it's one that can help you too.

1278
00:57:17,920 --> 00:57:20,680
Speaker 1: When I left high school, art had gone from being

1279
00:57:20,720 --> 00:57:24,520
Speaker 1: my worst class to my best. But it wasn't because

1280
00:57:24,520 --> 00:57:28,360
Speaker 1: I got good at painting or drawing. I didn't. I'm

1281
00:57:28,440 --> 00:57:32,400
Speaker 1: still terrible at them. It's because I learned to look

1282
00:57:32,400 --> 00:57:36,640
Speaker 1: at the world through the lens of intention. And now today,

1283
00:57:37,080 --> 00:57:40,200
Speaker 1: if I'm launching a new project, or even just decorating

1284
00:57:40,200 --> 00:57:44,040
Speaker 1: my office, at every step along the way, I know

1285
00:57:44,240 --> 00:57:48,880
Speaker 1: my why. When we ask why, it's like turning on

1286
00:57:48,920 --> 00:57:52,440
Speaker 1: a light in a dark room. We're no longer just

1287
00:57:52,560 --> 00:57:57,800
Speaker 1: feeling our way around, hoping we'll eventually find the door. Instead,

1288
00:57:58,200 --> 00:58:02,720
Speaker 1: we have a vision and an direction. It also ensures

1289
00:58:02,960 --> 00:58:06,840
Speaker 1: that we're living with purpose instead of being driven by

1290
00:58:07,000 --> 00:58:12,680
Speaker 1: unquestioned impulses or unexamined emotions. That we're not living life

1291
00:58:12,760 --> 00:58:17,760
Speaker 1: on autopilot or playing follow the leader. Why is an

1292
00:58:17,800 --> 00:58:21,760
Speaker 1: opportunity to check in with yourself to make sure that

1293
00:58:21,840 --> 00:58:27,640
Speaker 1: your actions align with your values and your priorities. Here's

1294
00:58:27,640 --> 00:58:33,760
Speaker 1: a simple, yet profound exercise today. At each decision point

1295
00:58:33,800 --> 00:58:38,560
Speaker 1: you encounter, as you contemplate your choice, pause and ask

1296
00:58:38,640 --> 00:58:43,960
Speaker 1: yourself why. Okay, it doesn't have to be every decision

1297
00:58:44,360 --> 00:58:47,520
Speaker 1: considering how many we actually make in a day, but

1298
00:58:47,640 --> 00:58:50,760
Speaker 1: try to do it for a few hours. Why am

1299
00:58:50,760 --> 00:58:54,840
Speaker 1: I having cereal for breakfast? Why am I opting to

1300
00:58:54,880 --> 00:58:58,440
Speaker 1: wear this shirt? Why am I stopping to buy a

1301
00:58:58,480 --> 00:59:02,160
Speaker 1: coffee on my way to work? And why did I

1302
00:59:02,280 --> 00:59:07,320
Speaker 1: choose this coffee shop? Remember answers like because it's cool

1303
00:59:07,720 --> 00:59:11,920
Speaker 1: or because I always do? We'll get the mister buckrage buzzer.

1304
00:59:12,920 --> 00:59:17,919
Speaker 1: Challenge yourself to go deeper. You might be surprised at

1305
00:59:17,920 --> 00:59:22,440
Speaker 1: what you discover and how being more thoughtful and deliberate

1306
00:59:22,840 --> 00:59:26,320
Speaker 1: impacts your life. I know it may seem like a

1307
00:59:26,360 --> 00:59:30,440
Speaker 1: little thing, but asking yourself why gives you back the

1308
00:59:30,520 --> 00:59:36,440
Speaker 1: controls so you can fly with direction and intention. And

1309
00:59:36,520 --> 00:59:41,200
Speaker 1: with that in mind, let's practice our intentionality as we

1310
00:59:41,280 --> 00:59:46,640
Speaker 1: turn to our meditation. First, yet comfortable wherever you are,

1311
00:59:47,680 --> 00:59:51,560
Speaker 1: and be purposeful about what that means for you in

1312
00:59:51,640 --> 00:59:59,520
Speaker 1: this moment. During this practice, you shouldn't do anything just

1313
00:59:59,640 --> 01:00:05,720
Speaker 1: because it's what you usually do. Instead, be very deliberate,

1314
01:00:07,760 --> 01:00:15,280
Speaker 1: so eyes open or closed and consider why you're making

1315
01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:24,600
Speaker 1: that choice. Tune into your breath here and you can

1316
01:00:24,680 --> 01:00:32,200
Speaker 1: keep flowing along with your natural rhythm or mindfully breathe

1317
01:00:32,760 --> 01:00:45,240
Speaker 1: a little deeper. Feel free to hold your attention on

1318
01:00:45,280 --> 01:00:54,920
Speaker 1: your breath or consciously shift your awareness somewhere else, like

1319
01:00:55,000 --> 01:01:05,680
Speaker 1: a sensation in your body or a sound in the environment. Now,

1320
01:01:05,720 --> 01:01:09,160
Speaker 1: take a moment to think about your day so far.

1321
01:01:11,600 --> 01:01:20,040
Speaker 1: Why are you where you are right now? Why are

1322
01:01:20,080 --> 01:01:29,000
Speaker 1: you listening to the Daily Jay? Why are you listening

1323
01:01:29,480 --> 01:01:38,000
Speaker 1: at this time of day, in this place? And now

1324
01:01:38,080 --> 01:01:42,160
Speaker 1: let's open this up. How often do you do things

1325
01:01:42,440 --> 01:01:47,560
Speaker 1: with clarity of purpose and intention? And how often would

1326
01:01:47,600 --> 01:01:55,840
Speaker 1: you say you're an autopilot as you moved through life?

1327
01:01:56,200 --> 01:02:03,400
Speaker 1: When and where could you ask yourself why? How could

1328
01:02:03,400 --> 01:02:13,320
Speaker 1: this transform your life for the better? Personally? My wife

1329
01:02:13,360 --> 01:02:18,360
Speaker 1: for the Daily Jay is very clear. I'm incredibly motivated

1330
01:02:18,400 --> 01:02:22,959
Speaker 1: to help others live their most mindful lives. I hope

1331
01:02:22,960 --> 01:02:26,880
Speaker 1: mister Buckerrage would be proud. Thanks for being here, and

1332
01:02:26,960 --> 01:02:27,960
Speaker 1: I'll see you tomorrow.