1 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:17,079 Speaker 1: Good, I might hello, nor Why. I actually heard somebody 2 00:00:17,079 --> 00:00:20,200 Speaker 1: saying I got to hear somebody say that, and I 3 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:22,040 Speaker 1: really wish Reagan was with us. 4 00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:25,520 Speaker 2: Shay, Well, first of all, let's explain we are recording 5 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:29,560 Speaker 2: a podcast. He remember just talking so for the listeners. 6 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:32,120 Speaker 2: Ship just gone back from Australia and we always do 7 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:36,600 Speaker 2: Australian accents. Are try to too. I find it to 8 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:39,240 Speaker 2: be the trickiest accent to do. I don't know why, 9 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:44,160 Speaker 2: but I think it's like no, like nor why instead 10 00:00:44,159 --> 00:00:46,880 Speaker 2: of saying no, they say like everything with an R. 11 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 2: And when I try to do it, I feel like 12 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:50,320 Speaker 2: I sound so nasally like no. 13 00:00:52,479 --> 00:00:54,560 Speaker 1: You know what's funny is when you're there and you're 14 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:58,240 Speaker 1: submersed in it, like it's so much easier to do 15 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:01,040 Speaker 1: when you're hearing it, you know, and you start to 16 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:03,600 Speaker 1: think and sentence it like you have the accent in 17 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:05,639 Speaker 1: your mind, but then it just comes out in normal, 18 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:09,560 Speaker 1: your normal voice. But it's funny. I was at a 19 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:12,000 Speaker 1: show and I'm asked some dude where he was from 20 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:13,399 Speaker 1: an American and he's like, how do you know I 21 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,560 Speaker 1: was American? I was like, because of your accent, you 22 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:19,320 Speaker 1: heard you. But like my friend Tracy lives down there 23 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:22,280 Speaker 1: and she's been there twenty some years and she doesn't 24 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,080 Speaker 1: you know, she has an American accent, and she said 25 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:27,680 Speaker 1: that she forgets and she doesn't even hear the Australian 26 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:29,400 Speaker 1: accent anymore in all seas. 27 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:32,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, and so because one of my best friends is 28 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,440 Speaker 2: British and I don't really I think sometimes stuff just 29 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,840 Speaker 2: says it's really cute and that will stick out to me, 30 00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:40,280 Speaker 2: but like, for the most part, I just don't. 31 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:40,920 Speaker 1: Think about it. 32 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:41,920 Speaker 3: It's just her voice. 33 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, Yeah, it's just the way. 34 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,959 Speaker 1: She talk And the only reason it stands out is 35 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,080 Speaker 1: because she's the only person with the British accent around us, 36 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:49,760 Speaker 1: you know, so. 37 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:53,440 Speaker 3: When she does say something very British, we're like, ah, gotcha, bitch. 38 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,080 Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm sure with the. 39 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,360 Speaker 1: Bane of her existence comes to that stuff though. 40 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:07,040 Speaker 2: Probably, But chip always, anytime someone says Norway, you go Norway, 41 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:10,000 Speaker 2: no Way, no way. 42 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,600 Speaker 1: I got to hear somebody say it too, I died, 43 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 1: and then I of course repeated it out loud. Yeah, 44 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,959 Speaker 1: but they probably didn't get it because I said Norway. 45 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 3: You know. 46 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:26,639 Speaker 2: Of course they're like, what is he talking about? Crazy? 47 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:32,440 Speaker 2: Oh god, well we are here not to transition too quickly, 48 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:33,720 Speaker 2: but we have a lot to get to you today. 49 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:35,720 Speaker 2: It's like we have to cover it. I did a 50 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:38,160 Speaker 2: podcast with Laurence the Lawn I was telling you about. 51 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:44,480 Speaker 2: She is a transformational facilitator, somatic coach, and feminine embodiment expert, 52 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,120 Speaker 2: and her work is mostly dedicated to working with an 53 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:51,360 Speaker 2: empowering high achieving women. So I was like, what are 54 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,120 Speaker 2: Chip and I got to talk about? Because you've not 55 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:56,040 Speaker 2: a high achieving woman, so how will you relate? But 56 00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:59,440 Speaker 2: I think that there's actually a lot of topics that 57 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:03,320 Speaker 2: she and I just discussed that probably translate to any 58 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,400 Speaker 2: sort of dating experience, and there's like a through line 59 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,440 Speaker 2: that's not just specific to high achieving women. I think 60 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,040 Speaker 2: it's a lot to do with like the masculine and 61 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,600 Speaker 2: feminine energy, you know, and we all have all of 62 00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:18,040 Speaker 2: those things within us. So she and I had a 63 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,480 Speaker 2: really interesting conversation, and then I was thinking about what 64 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,160 Speaker 2: I wanted to talk about with you, and one of 65 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:27,280 Speaker 2: the things she touched on was about how would almost 66 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:31,040 Speaker 2: like when we approach a situation from an energetic like 67 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:33,720 Speaker 2: whatever our energy is, So if you're let's keep it 68 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,720 Speaker 2: on high achieving women, because this is the conversation the 69 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,120 Speaker 2: listeners heard, But like, if you're a high achieving woman, 70 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,160 Speaker 2: you're in your masculine energy, like you're running shit, you're 71 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:44,480 Speaker 2: doing all this stuff, and you go out into your 72 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,760 Speaker 2: dating role with that same energy, you're probably gonna draw 73 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:50,680 Speaker 2: in either a man who wants to be taken care 74 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:53,440 Speaker 2: of or some sort of narcissist that wants you to 75 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:55,920 Speaker 2: keep proving your worth in that way, you know. And 76 00:03:55,960 --> 00:04:00,160 Speaker 2: so we really touched on like how important the energy 77 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:04,840 Speaker 2: that you're bringing to dating is full what you're getting back, 78 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,360 Speaker 2: and we'll touch on that a little bit. But one 79 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:09,000 Speaker 2: of the other things that we kind of got to 80 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,600 Speaker 2: that I felt was a little bit in line with 81 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:15,040 Speaker 2: the energy you're bringing to dating was like, if your 82 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:19,360 Speaker 2: standards I'm doing air quotes are so high, is it 83 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:24,200 Speaker 2: actually like high standards? Are you somewhat I'm available yourself? 84 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:27,719 Speaker 2: And that just she barely mentioned it, but it really 85 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:30,640 Speaker 2: stuck out for me because I see it so often 86 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,359 Speaker 2: when I'm watching other people date. I know, for me, 87 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:38,640 Speaker 2: that was a very big part of my younger dating life, 88 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:41,800 Speaker 2: just picking people apart, thinking like, oh, they're just not 89 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:44,599 Speaker 2: good enough for me or something you know, like that whatever, 90 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,560 Speaker 2: But part of it was like I wasn't really available 91 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,680 Speaker 2: to go out into dating, Like I wasn't ready or 92 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,760 Speaker 2: I had too much going on or whatever. It's like 93 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,560 Speaker 2: if you find yourself picking people apart, like is it 94 00:04:55,680 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 2: actually that you have my standards? Or are you unavailable yourself? 95 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:01,480 Speaker 2: And so you're making that not. 96 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,320 Speaker 1: Willing to do the work to make it work. 97 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, So I kind of thought it would be an 98 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:10,040 Speaker 2: interesting conversation if you and I just dove into that 99 00:05:10,279 --> 00:05:14,120 Speaker 2: more of like these subconscious things that we're doing in 100 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,320 Speaker 2: dating and not even realizing it, Like we're not realizing 101 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:20,280 Speaker 2: the energy we brain, Like are we actually open and 102 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:25,000 Speaker 2: receptive and wanting to meet someone, are we really ready 103 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:28,320 Speaker 2: and looking for a relationship, or we showing up half 104 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:31,040 Speaker 2: assed and unavailable ourselves and in blaming it on the 105 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:31,720 Speaker 2: other person. 106 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I think I've done a little bit 107 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,240 Speaker 1: of both so my life. 108 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:38,520 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think. 109 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:41,880 Speaker 1: I mean, I think I've done the right thing sometimes too. 110 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:45,200 Speaker 1: But you know, I think a fatal fall for a 111 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:46,279 Speaker 1: lot of people is. 112 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:50,240 Speaker 4: They just want to be in a relationship, so they 113 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:54,440 Speaker 4: just relationship. Yeah, so they just they show up in 114 00:05:55,279 --> 00:05:57,880 Speaker 4: a way that is just them showing up, they're not 115 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:02,520 Speaker 4: really showing up in a way that is offering, you know, 116 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:05,279 Speaker 4: all sides of who they are, the good, the bad, 117 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,240 Speaker 4: and the ugly, because I do think, you know, in 118 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 4: terms of like forming a real bond and a real 119 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,479 Speaker 4: connection with another human being, like they kind of have 120 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:18,159 Speaker 4: to know the bad stuff too, you know. And it's 121 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,480 Speaker 4: not that you like just come out of the gate 122 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:23,080 Speaker 4: like here's all my baggage. But I do think that 123 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,240 Speaker 4: you have to be willing to show that you have 124 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:29,640 Speaker 4: some otherwise, you know, you're presenting. 125 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:32,560 Speaker 3: This picture perfect existence. 126 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:35,320 Speaker 1: And what that tells me is that's kind of what 127 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:38,360 Speaker 1: you expect back, you know, right, But. 128 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:42,520 Speaker 2: That also means that if you expect that back, you 129 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:43,600 Speaker 2: think you're perfect. 130 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:47,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean it's definitely flawed, you know, 131 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,800 Speaker 1: But it also just means that you're not willing to 132 00:06:50,839 --> 00:06:56,039 Speaker 1: go deep. And so maybe instead of you thinking that 133 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,120 Speaker 1: you're perfect, it means that you think that you can 134 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:02,880 Speaker 1: ignore the bullshit a life shit. It can just be 135 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:06,440 Speaker 1: this like fun time with someone who's hot or someone 136 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:09,039 Speaker 1: who's got money or whatever it is that you know 137 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:12,560 Speaker 1: checks your list, versus finding someone that like you can 138 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:16,320 Speaker 1: be you with and we're sold the you know, the 139 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,720 Speaker 1: prince Charming and the princess sort of fairy tales from 140 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:23,080 Speaker 1: a very young age, and you know, those characters are 141 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:26,080 Speaker 1: tend to both be good looking in everything that we see, 142 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,480 Speaker 1: and it becomes this like benchmark I think that a 143 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:33,040 Speaker 1: lot of people have for dating versus finding someone that 144 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:36,640 Speaker 1: like actually truly cares about who you are on the inside, 145 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,680 Speaker 1: which sounds very hallmarky and I'm guilty of it too. 146 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,760 Speaker 1: Like when I'm on apps, I'm swiping, I'm not like 147 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:45,200 Speaker 1: swiping right on the ugly people, right, you know, but 148 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,200 Speaker 1: one of them could very well be the best match 149 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:48,560 Speaker 1: for me. 150 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:51,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean there's that's because obviously you have to 151 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,800 Speaker 2: have chemistry and be attracted too, So I mean that's 152 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,760 Speaker 2: just about the looks piece that like high standards in general. 153 00:07:57,800 --> 00:07:59,440 Speaker 2: I was telling you I had a conversation with the 154 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:03,640 Speaker 2: front of our last week and she's newly kind of 155 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:07,440 Speaker 2: back in a dating scenario where she was asking me 156 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:11,000 Speaker 2: for feedback. I'm like, basically, is she settling? 157 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:11,600 Speaker 3: You know? 158 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 2: That was the conversation, and so she was lifting off 159 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:19,360 Speaker 2: these things about the guy to me, and I think 160 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,960 Speaker 2: she was expecting me to be like, yes, Oh my god, 161 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,000 Speaker 2: he's so fucked up, Like, listen to all that shit 162 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 2: about him and go, you definitely need to get out 163 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,240 Speaker 2: of this you're settling. And what I said was, I 164 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:33,600 Speaker 2: find it interesting that you're coming to me wanting to 165 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:37,400 Speaker 2: discuss all the like list you've made of things that 166 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,800 Speaker 2: drive you crazy about him, and when I'm hearing it, 167 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,000 Speaker 2: it's all starf as shit like those are not real 168 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:46,360 Speaker 2: non negotiables to me. Obviously everyone has to create those 169 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:49,880 Speaker 2: within themselves. But I straight up said to her, I 170 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:53,040 Speaker 2: find it to be a little bit avoidant this energy 171 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:55,240 Speaker 2: you're coming to me with. It's like you're I think 172 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,679 Speaker 2: it was fear based, you know, of like wanting to 173 00:08:57,679 --> 00:09:00,680 Speaker 2: make the right decision. We all have that, And to 174 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:04,760 Speaker 2: your point, we are sold this idea of what relationships 175 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:10,360 Speaker 2: look like that's so unrealistic, Like everyone is imperfect, right, 176 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:13,440 Speaker 2: like you said, like everyone we have to decide if 177 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,679 Speaker 2: we want to lay out our baggage, but like everyone 178 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:20,320 Speaker 2: has baggage, especially at our age when you're dating. We 179 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,800 Speaker 2: all have stuff, so like how honest are you being 180 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,400 Speaker 2: or how not? Is really what that boils down to. 181 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:29,720 Speaker 2: And then I've found when the conversation with our friend 182 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:33,280 Speaker 2: that Like, I think that because we're pitched like the 183 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:36,800 Speaker 2: Love is Blind fairy tales or we've been pitched the 184 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,400 Speaker 2: fairy Tales our whole life. Like you said, we have 185 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,800 Speaker 2: this idea of what a relationship would look like in 186 00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:48,040 Speaker 2: our tolerance for humanity and like being human is super 187 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:52,160 Speaker 2: fucking low. So it's like we just set these standards 188 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,680 Speaker 2: that no one is going to be able to meet 189 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,320 Speaker 2: unless they're an AI robot. And maybe that is what 190 00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:58,839 Speaker 2: people want to date these days. I believe it. 191 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:00,080 Speaker 3: I mean, I think it's come. 192 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:03,880 Speaker 2: And yeah, you know what I mean, Like we're really 193 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:07,880 Speaker 2: setting ourselves up to fail if we don't allow space 194 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:13,680 Speaker 2: for people to be human and not perfect, and we 195 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:15,600 Speaker 2: just have these standards that are so high that we 196 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,200 Speaker 2: can't tolerate anything but that. 197 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:24,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I also wonder if those when we 198 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:29,560 Speaker 1: create those standards, is it a reflection more about us, 199 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,120 Speaker 1: Like if you have a check if you have a 200 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:33,840 Speaker 1: checklist for that, like this is what. 201 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:36,440 Speaker 3: You want in your significant other. 202 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,199 Speaker 1: It could be a really important exercise to look at 203 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:47,240 Speaker 1: that list while looking in the mirror and think, if 204 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,200 Speaker 1: you know, if you were to put yourself in the 205 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,600 Speaker 1: other person's shoes, how many of those things you actually 206 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,640 Speaker 1: can check off or provide or whatever. 207 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:59,400 Speaker 3: It is that the quality would require. 208 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,800 Speaker 1: Before you go out into the world expecting to find 209 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:06,000 Speaker 1: that in someone else. I think it's a really good 210 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,400 Speaker 1: exercise to see if you can provide those things because 211 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:14,360 Speaker 1: you yourself, because it's a really imbalanced situation that you're 212 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,960 Speaker 1: creating by just being like, I'm going to show up 213 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,679 Speaker 1: as me and then I need this person to have this, this, this, this, 214 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:25,000 Speaker 1: and this, because surely that person has a list too, 215 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:31,000 Speaker 1: And I think, you know, like a lot of a lot, look, 216 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:34,200 Speaker 1: relationship is not meant to complete us. It's meant to 217 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:39,600 Speaker 1: make us whole, and in that it means that like 218 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,160 Speaker 1: you are allowed to show up as your whole self. 219 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:45,679 Speaker 1: It pulls the wholeness out of you, but it doesn't 220 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,600 Speaker 1: complete us. So I think, you know, a lot of 221 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,200 Speaker 1: people's lists are. 222 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:53,360 Speaker 3: About completing them, and I think of. 223 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,280 Speaker 1: The exercise that I was just talking about as if 224 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 1: you can do that and feel good about requiring those 225 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,800 Speaker 1: things out of someone, it should be from a place 226 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,880 Speaker 1: where you know that you can give it right back 227 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:09,080 Speaker 1: and provide those things in a relationship, versus it being 228 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,839 Speaker 1: about them filling some hole that's in your life. Does 229 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:13,760 Speaker 1: that make Yeah, I. 230 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,680 Speaker 2: Think what you're saying with you say, like filling some 231 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:21,000 Speaker 2: hole is a lot too. The expectation of being rescued. Like, God, 232 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,880 Speaker 2: wouldn't it be fucking nice if a white knight rode 233 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:27,000 Speaker 2: in on the whole or whatever it is, oh night 234 00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:33,360 Speaker 2: and rescue. It's like adulting is hard, but we all 235 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:36,319 Speaker 2: would love that. But it's just again not realistic if 236 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,880 Speaker 2: even that night that rides in on the horse has 237 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:43,319 Speaker 2: baggage and has some little habits that might drive you crazy, 238 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:48,040 Speaker 2: or you know, has some inconvenient thing, like it's not 239 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:50,960 Speaker 2: convenient that my boyfriend lives in a different city than me, 240 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:55,880 Speaker 2: but like being with him way out weighs that. So 241 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,680 Speaker 2: I'll figure out how to make that work and he 242 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,920 Speaker 2: will too for now, you know, Like those are things 243 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:05,319 Speaker 2: that when you find a person that you want to 244 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:08,600 Speaker 2: be with, like you kind of just that's compromise, Like 245 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:12,319 Speaker 2: you have to really expect that it's not going to 246 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,680 Speaker 2: be just this perfect scenario that you wrote in your journal. 247 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:18,679 Speaker 2: It hopefully will be a lot of those things and 248 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,599 Speaker 2: the main things in your non negotiables and you have 249 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:24,480 Speaker 2: the same values and things like that, but these tiny 250 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,240 Speaker 2: little things that she was giving me. I was like, 251 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,680 Speaker 2: those are not that's nitpicking for safety. I could just 252 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:33,160 Speaker 2: tell you know what I'm saying, where you're just doing 253 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:36,120 Speaker 2: the thing where you're like, well, this is my standards. 254 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,520 Speaker 2: But no, it felt more like fear to me. And 255 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,640 Speaker 2: so we had a really good conversation about that. But 256 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,680 Speaker 2: when I was thinking about this podcast, I was like, Okay, 257 00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:45,679 Speaker 2: but how do we know, Like, how do you know 258 00:13:46,679 --> 00:13:50,079 Speaker 2: if you're operating from true standards or if you're avoiding 259 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:53,040 Speaker 2: and trying to like almost sabotage a situation because you're 260 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,240 Speaker 2: scared or you're feeling like it's getting too close and 261 00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:59,320 Speaker 2: you want to avoid. And so I found this article. 262 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,680 Speaker 2: It was actually on LinkedIn, which was really interesting, but 263 00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:03,760 Speaker 2: it was this woman named Catherine Pass and I believe 264 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,680 Speaker 2: she's like a therapist and she was writing about this. 265 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:18,080 Speaker 2: I found this article. It was actually on LinkedIn, which 266 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:20,240 Speaker 2: was really interesting, but it was this woman named Catherine 267 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,080 Speaker 2: Pass and I believe she's like a therapist and she 268 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,600 Speaker 2: was writing about this. So I pulled this little click 269 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:27,440 Speaker 2: because I thought it was really interesting. She said, when 270 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:31,760 Speaker 2: I'm operating from true standards, I'm open, curious, and responsive 271 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,800 Speaker 2: I can communicate my needs clearly. I can tolerate differences 272 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:41,320 Speaker 2: without immediately seeing them as threats. I'm evaluating compatibility, not 273 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,840 Speaker 2: searching for reasons to disengage, which is exactly what I'm 274 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:49,000 Speaker 2: just saying. High standards feel grounded. Emotional walls field tent. 275 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:54,080 Speaker 2: So she said, emotional walls are subtle. They don't announce 276 00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:58,960 Speaker 2: themselves as fear or avoidance. They show up as extreme selectiveness, 277 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:03,080 Speaker 2: quick detachment, or constant disqualification. I noticed that when my 278 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:07,160 Speaker 2: walls are up, I focus heavily on flalls. Small imperfections 279 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:11,240 Speaker 2: felt magnified. A delayed response, an awkward comment, a difference 280 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:14,920 Speaker 2: in communication style all became reasons to pull back. I 281 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:18,240 Speaker 2: told myself I was being intentional, but in reality, I 282 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:24,120 Speaker 2: was protecting myself from vulnerability. Interesting, isn't that interesting? I mean, 283 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:25,880 Speaker 2: I can relate to that in so many ways. Like 284 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:28,080 Speaker 2: I think I've talked about how my boyfriend and I 285 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:31,160 Speaker 2: like he's logic faithed and I'm obviously feelings fased everyone 286 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,840 Speaker 2: on the podcasts stuff, and so that's like our biggest 287 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:38,480 Speaker 2: battle sometimes is like he's looking at the situation from 288 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,680 Speaker 2: a logical place of like how do I fix it, 289 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:43,440 Speaker 2: and I'm like, I need to feel this and feel 290 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,400 Speaker 2: the pain, and like, you know, when we can look 291 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:50,040 Speaker 2: at each other and respect those differences and each go 292 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,440 Speaker 2: what can I learn from this? Because I know I'm 293 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,760 Speaker 2: one way and so there's probably a balance needed. Like 294 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,440 Speaker 2: it really helps me, and I think it helps him 295 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,400 Speaker 2: when I look at him as like, god, he's so 296 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:04,000 Speaker 2: fucking cold, how is he you know, not feeling as 297 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,400 Speaker 2: deeply as that too? That's where a problem comes in. 298 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,120 Speaker 2: So it's just interesting how we like how we set 299 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:13,200 Speaker 2: these standards, but like it can apply in relationship too, 300 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:16,200 Speaker 2: because that is me wanting to be right and like 301 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,360 Speaker 2: him to come all the way to my side first 302 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,720 Speaker 2: working together. I don't know that was a lot cold? 303 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,640 Speaker 1: Ho did you believe? The good news is that you've 304 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:28,560 Speaker 1: recognized your all's processes are different. So in those moments, 305 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:32,400 Speaker 1: now that you're in the relationship firmly in it, you're 306 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:36,520 Speaker 1: able to give him a little bit of grace. Oh yeah, 307 00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:40,000 Speaker 1: Whereas I think early early on it was probably harder 308 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,560 Speaker 1: because you're figuring each other out. 309 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:43,040 Speaker 3: You know. 310 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:46,760 Speaker 1: The mistake that I make sometimes is because I'm non confrontational, 311 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:50,920 Speaker 1: is that I let the little things slide and tell 312 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:51,880 Speaker 1: their big things. 313 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,280 Speaker 3: And and that's. 314 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:58,320 Speaker 1: Me being worried about being vulnerable and just bringing up 315 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:03,120 Speaker 1: the little things because somewhere along the line, I've started 316 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:06,120 Speaker 1: to believe that the little things didn't matter, but they 317 00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:09,840 Speaker 1: clearly do because they always snowball into something much bigger. 318 00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,200 Speaker 3: So I think that, you. 319 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:13,919 Speaker 1: Know, I'm getting a little bit away from like the 320 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,840 Speaker 1: standards of it all, but I do think it speaks 321 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:18,200 Speaker 1: to your standards when there are little things that are 322 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,800 Speaker 1: sort of raising their hand and annoying you. 323 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,719 Speaker 3: And your truth is your truth. 324 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:27,120 Speaker 1: So if there are little things that are happening, I've 325 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,600 Speaker 1: learned that in relationships it's better to bring them up 326 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,960 Speaker 1: in the beginning because surely, if you can't talk about 327 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,920 Speaker 1: the little things, you're gonna have a lot of trouble 328 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,840 Speaker 1: when it comes to talking about the things that like 329 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:41,280 Speaker 1: truly really matter. And it's a good way to sort 330 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:44,960 Speaker 1: of like test your vulnerability and your partners or whoever 331 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,199 Speaker 1: your dating's vulnerability back and how they respond to things, 332 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:52,920 Speaker 1: because if they are truly little things, then they shouldn't 333 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:55,640 Speaker 1: breathe the straw that breaks the camel's back. Sure, yeah, 334 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,560 Speaker 1: unless you allow them to compound. 335 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:01,119 Speaker 2: Yeah, I never thought about that not bringing up seth. 336 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,679 Speaker 2: What do you feel in your dating like before you 337 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,439 Speaker 2: get in a relationship, do you feel like you have 338 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:10,760 Speaker 2: healthy standards? Do you feel like you have protective armor. 339 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:14,439 Speaker 2: Do you feel like you have no wall at all 340 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,080 Speaker 2: and no boundaries and you're just like boundary, let's walking 341 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,280 Speaker 2: into situations that you're taking in everything, Like what resonates 342 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:20,840 Speaker 2: more for you? 343 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,080 Speaker 3: I think it's I think I have. 344 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,480 Speaker 1: It's a little bit of both having good standards and 345 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,720 Speaker 1: also just being completely like free. 346 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,760 Speaker 3: I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm lucky that I'm not. 347 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,000 Speaker 1: I've never been one of those people that's like I 348 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:38,080 Speaker 1: need to be married, Like I don't have that thing 349 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,000 Speaker 1: that's driving me. So I think that is like a 350 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,959 Speaker 1: really good, just sort of protective. 351 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:44,399 Speaker 3: Thing that I have. 352 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,439 Speaker 1: And it's not even a choice, like it just is 353 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:50,120 Speaker 1: what it is. So I don't go into every sort 354 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:53,600 Speaker 1: of dating situation like dying for to work. 355 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,440 Speaker 3: Sure, But I also think too that it gives. 356 00:18:57,119 --> 00:19:00,840 Speaker 1: Me a little bit more flexibility and I can go 357 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:04,080 Speaker 1: in pretty open and be like, let me just see 358 00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:08,119 Speaker 1: how this feels. I have learned through like you know, 359 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,520 Speaker 1: getting older and stuff like when things progress and it 360 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:14,720 Speaker 1: becomes like sexual. Like I used to think, like just 361 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,840 Speaker 1: sleeping with hot people is the goal. But if there's 362 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:22,240 Speaker 1: no real if there's no like connection, it's it's not 363 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,520 Speaker 1: as good, you know, Like yeah, you can be like 364 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,480 Speaker 1: I fucked that hot guy, wow, whatever, But I've had 365 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:30,959 Speaker 1: situations where it's been so much more connected and better 366 00:19:31,359 --> 00:19:35,120 Speaker 1: when the person's not even hot, and so like even 367 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:39,919 Speaker 1: learning from like recognizing that, I think is important because 368 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:44,240 Speaker 1: if the goal is true connection, whether it's you know, 369 00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:46,720 Speaker 1: leads to just friendship or a real relationship or a 370 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:50,880 Speaker 1: sexual relationship or whatever, your standards have to be almost 371 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,640 Speaker 1: non physical, you know. Like and I know that's really 372 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:55,840 Speaker 1: easy to say, because we all have our idea of 373 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,760 Speaker 1: what we're attracted to, but I think the standards have 374 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:01,479 Speaker 1: to For me, it's about like how they treat other people, 375 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 1: and do they listen to what I'm talking, Like are 376 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:08,399 Speaker 1: their responses connected to what I've been saying, or is 377 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,280 Speaker 1: does it feel like they don't know how to date? 378 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:15,119 Speaker 1: And if they just come back with canned questions or whatever. 379 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,440 Speaker 1: But I you know, it's to me, I am trying 380 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:22,080 Speaker 1: to really lean in the older I get into it 381 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:25,639 Speaker 1: being about like who they are and not like what 382 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:27,320 Speaker 1: they are, if that makes sense. 383 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:31,000 Speaker 2: Sure, absolutely, that was a lot of what we talked 384 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:34,240 Speaker 2: about in the podcast, because a lot of high achieving women, 385 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:36,800 Speaker 2: which I really identified with that title, and I think 386 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,639 Speaker 2: you would see in our current group that's most of 387 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:43,240 Speaker 2: our friends, like and everyone got their shit together or whatever. 388 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,359 Speaker 2: And a lot of the conversation we've had over the 389 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:49,919 Speaker 2: years have been our frustration with oh, men suck or 390 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,919 Speaker 2: men or two intimidated, or it's like, you know, we 391 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,280 Speaker 2: can't find a good man to match us where we 392 00:20:55,359 --> 00:20:57,320 Speaker 2: are in our life. And so Laurena and I kind 393 00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:01,000 Speaker 2: of talked about that, and it does come a lot 394 00:21:01,119 --> 00:21:05,479 Speaker 2: with overperforming and being successful and doing the good on 395 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,560 Speaker 2: paper stuff. And when she and I were discussing it, 396 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,320 Speaker 2: I said to her, it was really interesting for me 397 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,159 Speaker 2: because you know, I talk about, like my life that 398 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:14,040 Speaker 2: if it fell apart and I had nothing, and that's 399 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:15,640 Speaker 2: not true, but some of the things I had really 400 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:19,640 Speaker 2: been working for fell apart, and I thought I would 401 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:23,120 Speaker 2: never survive with all those things, you know, But ultimately 402 00:21:23,119 --> 00:21:26,120 Speaker 2: it's been the greatest gift for me because during that 403 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:30,000 Speaker 2: time period of rebuilding and like finding out just finding 404 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,160 Speaker 2: my true self and like the path that I really 405 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,720 Speaker 2: wanted to be on. I also had to really get 406 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:36,800 Speaker 2: comfortable with my worth. And it's what I say to 407 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,600 Speaker 2: you on a day to day of just like because 408 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,320 Speaker 2: you woke up in the morning, you are worthy, Like 409 00:21:42,359 --> 00:21:45,880 Speaker 2: it's not because you just went to Australia with Kesha 410 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,800 Speaker 2: and did a really cool thing, like that's awesome and 411 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,680 Speaker 2: I'm so proud of you. And also it's not why 412 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:52,720 Speaker 2: I love you, you know. 413 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,160 Speaker 3: Of course, if we. 414 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:56,640 Speaker 2: Do that with our friends, isn't it interesting that when 415 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:59,080 Speaker 2: we get into dating we're doing all the checking on 416 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:01,440 Speaker 2: that stuff. It's like I don't want someone to see 417 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,800 Speaker 2: on our couch all day either. Of course not you 418 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:08,040 Speaker 2: want to have, you know, lifestyles that work similarly together. 419 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,600 Speaker 2: But like I do think it's interesting these checklists we've 420 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:13,720 Speaker 2: made up, and it makes me ask the question like 421 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,159 Speaker 2: are we actually even aware of what we want in 422 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:20,600 Speaker 2: a relationship or what we can provide, like what you're saying, 423 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,439 Speaker 2: like looking at yourself in the mirror and asking yourself, 424 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:26,240 Speaker 2: but can you offer those things to another person right? 425 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:30,320 Speaker 2: Or do we just base our expectations on these stupid 426 00:22:30,359 --> 00:22:34,520 Speaker 2: reality shows. I can't stop watching and think that that's 427 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,919 Speaker 2: real dating. And real love and real relationships. You know, 428 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:41,640 Speaker 2: like we don't really have like beautiful model out there 429 00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:52,920 Speaker 2: unless you go seek it out. Like, we don't really 430 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:56,639 Speaker 2: have like beautiful model out there unless you go seek 431 00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:59,320 Speaker 2: it out of how to do things and find the 432 00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:00,480 Speaker 2: relationship she wants. 433 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I think I think there are beautiful 434 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,359 Speaker 1: models out there. I think there are other people in 435 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:09,040 Speaker 1: really strong relationships. But you know, the funny thing about 436 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:13,000 Speaker 1: those people is it's not performative. They're in it because 437 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,960 Speaker 1: it works really well for that, So it's not as 438 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:19,080 Speaker 1: easy to see. But you know, we're constantly surrounded by 439 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:22,720 Speaker 1: television shows and movies and books and stories where it 440 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:26,920 Speaker 1: all sounds perfect and easy and all of the things, 441 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:32,120 Speaker 1: and that's just not the reality. The world we live 442 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:35,000 Speaker 1: in isn't really a reality. Like when you think about 443 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,280 Speaker 1: like going back to like caveman times, where it was 444 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:40,399 Speaker 1: just about survival and existence and they were on this 445 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:44,080 Speaker 1: like beautiful earth that didn't have money or nice cars 446 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:45,640 Speaker 1: or big houses. 447 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:46,480 Speaker 3: Or any of those things. 448 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:51,240 Speaker 1: What they were doing for relationship was more about survival 449 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:56,480 Speaker 1: and creating a team and pro creation and those sorts 450 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:59,160 Speaker 1: of things. And then what they did in their free 451 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:03,320 Speaker 1: time was just like art and connecting with the earth 452 00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:05,960 Speaker 1: that was around them and those sorts of things. And 453 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:10,880 Speaker 1: we've just gotten so distracted by everything that I think 454 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:14,199 Speaker 1: some of those like core tenants of just being a 455 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:17,680 Speaker 1: human being we're not in tune with anymore. 456 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,919 Speaker 2: So we're like, oh my god, why did you snore 457 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,960 Speaker 2: a little bit? Or something like that's a deal breaker 458 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:23,199 Speaker 2: for me. 459 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:27,560 Speaker 1: Yeah, Like or they're bald, Like what a dumb thing 460 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,879 Speaker 1: to like hold against somebody, you know, Like it's like, 461 00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,760 Speaker 1: you know, being like, well he's got brown eyes, and 462 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:34,120 Speaker 1: I'm there. 463 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,920 Speaker 3: Are people that are that specific, like who fucked you? 464 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:37,280 Speaker 2: Care? 465 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:37,560 Speaker 1: Such? 466 00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,520 Speaker 2: You just want to be alone? But gay's the show unrealistic. 467 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,640 Speaker 2: Another thought that I had though, and it ties into 468 00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:46,600 Speaker 2: our conversation from last week after we had talked to 469 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:50,320 Speaker 2: the matchmaker and we were talking about dating app like 470 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,399 Speaker 2: kind of making it just that swipe culture, and she 471 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,960 Speaker 2: talks about it like if you're not actually going on dates, 472 00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:59,320 Speaker 2: like pretty soon when you're meeting someone on those apps, 473 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:01,280 Speaker 2: like you're just sitting on the bench, stop acting like 474 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,760 Speaker 2: you're playing in the game because you're not. And you 475 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:07,159 Speaker 2: really agree with that too, just because of energy and stuff. 476 00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:09,960 Speaker 2: But if you think about apps. It kind of creates 477 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:14,640 Speaker 2: this world where we think there's another option at all times, 478 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:17,800 Speaker 2: and so those small little things that are just humans 479 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:21,800 Speaker 2: being humans probably do become deal breakers because you're like, 480 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:24,399 Speaker 2: but they did this, I'm gonna go get back on 481 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,600 Speaker 2: the app and find someone who did. Doesn't do that, 482 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:29,840 Speaker 2: like instead of figuring out how to make it work 483 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,400 Speaker 2: or yeah, like if you look through the world through 484 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,159 Speaker 2: a different lens, Like my boyfriend and I, how do 485 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:37,480 Speaker 2: we help each other? How do we use that as 486 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:40,000 Speaker 2: a benefit, Like there's a reason I'm with a person 487 00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:43,000 Speaker 2: like that, and I'm sure it's like actually really good 488 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,760 Speaker 2: for me to have that mounce, could you imagine me 489 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:46,199 Speaker 2: dating someone as emotional of me? 490 00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:49,960 Speaker 1: Like no, no, please, don't ever do that. 491 00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,600 Speaker 2: That would be such a disaster. So yeah, it's just 492 00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:59,320 Speaker 2: like it's crazy to me the conversation around dating and 493 00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:02,639 Speaker 2: things that we pick apart. But I love your spin 494 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,919 Speaker 2: of like that's really an invitation to look in the mirror. 495 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:07,800 Speaker 2: And that was part of the conversation I had with 496 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:10,520 Speaker 2: our friends too, was like, stop acting like you're this 497 00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:12,640 Speaker 2: perfect human and she was like, well, I do think 498 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:14,720 Speaker 2: I'm a catch, and I'm like, of course you're a catch, 499 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,919 Speaker 2: but like, let me tell you a few things that 500 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:21,399 Speaker 2: are not perfect, and like I still love you anyway. 501 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:25,000 Speaker 2: But that's how this works. Like it's not because I 502 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,439 Speaker 2: think you're perfect that I love you, you know, like 503 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,160 Speaker 2: that has nothing to do with that. I know you're 504 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:32,119 Speaker 2: very blad and I love you anyway. And that's what 505 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:34,359 Speaker 2: I think we're missing in the dating world, is like 506 00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:37,919 Speaker 2: not to say, go get in an abusive, toxic relationship, 507 00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:40,880 Speaker 2: but like we got to like have some more realistic 508 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:44,320 Speaker 2: expectations of human beings I think personally. 509 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:47,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, And look, I don't think that anyone who 510 00:26:47,359 --> 00:26:50,119 Speaker 1: is in a relationship or going through a breakup or whatever, 511 00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,760 Speaker 1: like is wrong to sort of pick apart the other person, 512 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:56,760 Speaker 1: because that is what you get to You're a witness 513 00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:59,320 Speaker 1: what Yeah, and you're a witness to that. So it's 514 00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:01,760 Speaker 1: so much easy to look at what someone has done 515 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,199 Speaker 1: to you or what was wrong with them than it 516 00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:06,359 Speaker 1: is to like face yourself in the mirror and be like, well, 517 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:10,320 Speaker 1: what could I have done differently? Or hearing what they're saying. 518 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,520 Speaker 1: You know, I've you and I've had conversations about my 519 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:16,159 Speaker 1: ex and like it took a while for me to 520 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:19,840 Speaker 1: sort of hear what he said about some stuff. And 521 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:22,960 Speaker 1: the funny thing is is you all heard it well 522 00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:26,600 Speaker 1: before I did, and when I finally arrived to like 523 00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:28,680 Speaker 1: hearing it, you were like, yeah, this is what we've 524 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:32,600 Speaker 1: been saying, you know. And and maybe those relationships are 525 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:36,080 Speaker 1: the things that get you to like those learnings are 526 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:39,000 Speaker 1: what get you to the next relationship that does work, 527 00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:41,920 Speaker 1: and you go in with it with the awareness of 528 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,960 Speaker 1: where you make mistakes. And as much as I want 529 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:46,919 Speaker 1: to think I'm perfect, I know I'm not, you know. 530 00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:51,040 Speaker 1: But I also I don't want to have to alter 531 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:55,520 Speaker 1: my life so much just to make it work for 532 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:58,560 Speaker 1: somebody else. What I want in my relationship is to 533 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:02,600 Speaker 1: find someone whose life work with mine, and there's works 534 00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:05,440 Speaker 1: with mine and mine works with theirs, and we figure 535 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:10,639 Speaker 1: out how to compromise in the least impactful way and 536 00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:13,560 Speaker 1: make it work. And I don't think that that's an 537 00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:16,240 Speaker 1: unfair request. But that doesn't mean that I don't want 538 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:18,240 Speaker 1: to change and grow in all of the things. 539 00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:20,960 Speaker 2: That's the word grow. Yeah, But I think there's a 540 00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,840 Speaker 2: difference between someone trying to change who you are and 541 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:29,840 Speaker 2: someone being on a growth path with you. Like if 542 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,560 Speaker 2: my boyfriend ever tried to be like you cry too 543 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:36,200 Speaker 2: much or whatever like that would be him trying to 544 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,000 Speaker 2: change who I am, like I have to cry or 545 00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:41,640 Speaker 2: else I hold too much energy inside my body and 546 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:45,479 Speaker 2: get sick, Like it is physically a process I have 547 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:45,800 Speaker 2: to do. 548 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:47,040 Speaker 1: It's a necessity for you. 549 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:49,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, Like last night he showed me a clip of 550 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:52,760 Speaker 2: something he's editing from this documentary he went and filmed 551 00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:55,800 Speaker 2: in a congo and it was so beautiful and also 552 00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:59,280 Speaker 2: so fucking sad to me to see the things that 553 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:01,840 Speaker 2: they're up again, you know, and like he was showing 554 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:03,440 Speaker 2: me just to be like, what do you think about this? 555 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:07,080 Speaker 2: I couldn't even make it through watching the small clip. 556 00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:10,840 Speaker 2: I had to like really stop it out, and it 557 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,480 Speaker 2: just made me feel a lot of things. And thankfully 558 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:15,440 Speaker 2: he was like that's so beautiful. But if he was like, 559 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,840 Speaker 2: what the fuck is wrong with you? And free that 560 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:20,560 Speaker 2: as beautiful, he would not be the guy for me, 561 00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:24,160 Speaker 2: you know what I mean. And Like, but with that said, 562 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,800 Speaker 2: if I'm realizing I am just having emotional expression after 563 00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:32,640 Speaker 2: emotional expression and he's him being a logical person kind 564 00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:36,239 Speaker 2: of makes me notice that sometimes and if I'm just 565 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:39,000 Speaker 2: like not paying attention to why am I so overly 566 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:42,400 Speaker 2: emotional that is a problem, Like if I just wanna 567 00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:44,880 Speaker 2: blame him instead of looking at hey, what's going on? 568 00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:46,680 Speaker 2: Are you tired? Are you hungry? Are you angry? Are 569 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,680 Speaker 2: you lonely? Like what is happening? And so anyway does 570 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:51,560 Speaker 2: that make sense? Like I do think there's always the 571 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:54,920 Speaker 2: opportunity for us to look at ourselves. And if you're 572 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:57,479 Speaker 2: operating from your highest self and someone is telling you 573 00:29:57,520 --> 00:30:00,160 Speaker 2: that that's not right, that's not the person for you. 574 00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:03,000 Speaker 2: But if you're operating from maybe a place you have 575 00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:07,200 Speaker 2: some growth room and they're helping you to want to grow, 576 00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:10,200 Speaker 2: that's a whole different ballgame and hopefully like the kind 577 00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:11,880 Speaker 2: of relationship we all want to be in. 578 00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:16,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I think it's important to listen for 579 00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:19,760 Speaker 1: the cues or look or listen for the cues, even 580 00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:22,880 Speaker 1: if you're not willing to admit that you do need 581 00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:25,280 Speaker 1: to grow. We all know the places that we need 582 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:28,920 Speaker 1: to grow, and if you're covering them up while in 583 00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:32,160 Speaker 1: the beginning of a relationship, I think it's important to 584 00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:34,760 Speaker 1: still look for those growth opportunities and look for the 585 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:38,479 Speaker 1: clues because if the person that you are with shows 586 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:41,440 Speaker 1: signs of being willing to teach you and share things 587 00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:42,560 Speaker 1: with you that will. 588 00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:44,080 Speaker 3: Give you the growth that your soul. 589 00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:46,200 Speaker 2: Needs and grow themselves. 590 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:46,640 Speaker 3: And grow themselves. 591 00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:50,920 Speaker 1: Then you know it's probably worth sticking it out to see. 592 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,480 Speaker 1: Like it may not work out for you know, a 593 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:56,160 Speaker 1: long term thing, but you might take something from that 594 00:30:56,280 --> 00:30:59,200 Speaker 1: relationship and bring it to the next one that gets 595 00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:00,000 Speaker 1: you across the finney. 596 00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:03,200 Speaker 2: Anyway, I think this is an interesting topic. I think 597 00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:06,040 Speaker 2: it's interesting always to put the focus back on us. 598 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:08,160 Speaker 2: She said one thing that I thought was so interesting, 599 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:11,280 Speaker 2: which she said, it's funny that we always want the 600 00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:13,640 Speaker 2: problem to be the other person, because she goes, what's 601 00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:16,440 Speaker 2: wrong about that? Is like, if it's a U problem, 602 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:19,880 Speaker 2: there's a U solution, So like you actually have a 603 00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:22,320 Speaker 2: say in the solution. If it's a U problem. If 604 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:25,080 Speaker 2: it's the other person, a lot of times it's we're powerless. 605 00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:26,560 Speaker 2: You know, you can't control anyone else. 606 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:27,840 Speaker 3: So yeah, I don't know. 607 00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:29,600 Speaker 2: I thought that was really good. If it's a U problem, 608 00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:33,160 Speaker 2: there's a U solution, So take your power back. Stop 609 00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:35,920 Speaker 2: blaming everybody. We all have to work on it. But anyway, 610 00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:38,520 Speaker 2: if you guys have thoughts on this, you can all 611 00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:41,120 Speaker 2: email us at the edge at velvetedge dot com. You 612 00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:43,520 Speaker 2: can hit me up on my Instagram. It's at Velvet 613 00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:44,360 Speaker 2: Edge Chip. 614 00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:49,760 Speaker 1: I'm at Chip doorshit Chip d r scch oh. 615 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,760 Speaker 2: You can also find us on at Velvet Edge podcast 616 00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:55,280 Speaker 2: on Instagram. That we're still growing and I love that. 617 00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:57,880 Speaker 2: So as you guys go into the weekend and you're 618 00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:00,120 Speaker 2: living on the edge, I hope you always remember too. 619 00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:05,120 Speaker 4: A casual bye bye 620 00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:09,360 Speaker 1: Mhm.