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Speaker 1: I'm usually like running from a man that's good for

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Speaker 1: me and chasing a man that's bad for me. I need,

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Speaker 1: what is the most unhinged thing that you have done?

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Speaker 1: Oh like for someone like that, it doesn't have to

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Speaker 1: be a boyfriend. Yeah, I mean, I guess like the

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Speaker 1: time I went through this guy's computer, he fell asleep,

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Speaker 1: and while he was asleep, I started going through his

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Speaker 1: Facebook messages. I was on WhatsApp, I was on Instagram.

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Speaker 1: I was top to bottom gonna figure something out. Oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: like high school. And I was like desperately trying to

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Speaker 1: find something to get him on, you know what I

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Speaker 1: mean to be like, Yeah, but I was the one

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Speaker 1: being suspicious, like he should have been going through my phone,

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Speaker 1: you know, And so that's what it was. No, I

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Speaker 1: found nothing, and then he woke up and caught me.

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Speaker 1: And he's so good and nice that he was like,

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Speaker 1: if you wanted to talk to me about anything, you

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Speaker 1: could have just looked.

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Speaker 2: Have just looked.

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Speaker 1: I hope this doesn't go on, I mean whatever, Like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm like, that is my most vulnerable truth.

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Speaker 1: I wish I could say that was the only time

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Speaker 1: I've looked through an x's phone and I can think

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Speaker 1: of at least ten more unhinged things I've done to boyfriends, crushes,

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Speaker 1: and situationships in my past. That's why in this episode

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Speaker 1: we're talking about breaking these toxic patterns. I'm Hopewitderd and

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Speaker 1: welcome to Boysover, a space where we're learning and unlearning

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Speaker 1: all the myths were taught about love and relationships. Step

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Speaker 1: one to going boy sober is identifying what patterns I

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Speaker 1: need to break free from. For me, I love the

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Speaker 1: chase so much so that I'm often chasing new crushes

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Speaker 1: before I'm done with a current partner. Yes, that's terrible.

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Speaker 1: It is not something I'm proud of. So many times

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Speaker 1: I've been the toxic ex and I want to figure

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Speaker 1: out how to stop this behavior. So today I'm talking

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Speaker 1: to someone who's done just that. Teffi Posoa has gone

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Speaker 1: through a similar struggle. If you don't know her, she's

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Speaker 1: a content creator, a pop culture historian, and has even

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Speaker 1: been called the Internet's favorite big sister, and I totally agree.

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Speaker 1: I first became aware of Teffy when I saw one

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Speaker 1: of her videos on TikTok, and then I moved to

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Speaker 1: New York and randomly got a job as her manager's assistant.

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Speaker 1: I was suddenly on the sidelines while she was posting

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Speaker 1: about her life, and at that time she was engaged

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Speaker 1: and then quickly not engaged, which I always assumed must

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Speaker 1: have been hard to experience in the spotlight. I was

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Speaker 1: excited to talk to her about that and what she's

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Speaker 1: been through since she's been in relationships, she's been single,

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Speaker 1: and now she's focusing on herself to figure out what

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Speaker 1: she actually.

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Speaker 2: Wants to start things off.

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Speaker 1: I wanted to play a little game that, if I'm

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Speaker 1: being honest, is probably more helpful for me than Tefie,

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Speaker 1: because again, I've done some pretty unhinged things in the

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Speaker 1: name of love or maybe just lust.

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Speaker 2: Tefie, welcome to voiceover. Yeah that's so crazy. How are you?

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Speaker 2: I'm good? How are you? Can you believe your life

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Speaker 2: like it's a beautiful thing? Yeah? Okay, this is our game.

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Speaker 1: So I'm gonna tell you something and you have to

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Speaker 1: decide if it's love addiction or just enthusiastic Okay, okay,

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Speaker 1: number one checking to see if your crush watched your

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Speaker 1: Instagram story.

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Speaker 3: I don't think it's enthusiastic or love addiction. What do

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Speaker 3: you think that's just being thorough.

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Speaker 2: It's just being self aware. Yeah, sorry, we're just seeing

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Speaker 2: what's up. I think it's just being excited. Yeah, okay,

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Speaker 2: excited enthusiasm.

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Speaker 1: Looking up your crush on Venmo after the first date,

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Speaker 1: that is love, addiction, that's addiction. Okay, making your crush

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Speaker 1: a playlist that better be enthusiast, that's enthusiasts.

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Speaker 2: It has to be come on. That's like an art form.

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Speaker 2: You can't better give.

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Speaker 3: You can't burn a CD, you can't make cassette tapes

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Speaker 3: for anybody. So like everybody else in generations probably gets

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Speaker 3: to have that, but.

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Speaker 1: Us, no, no, no, no, I agree, that's enthusiastic.

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Speaker 2: That's enthusiasm.

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Speaker 1: Okay, what if a first date lasts eight hours?

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Speaker 2: Man or woman? It's different, it's different. Tell me the difference.

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Speaker 3: If you're with a man for eight hours, you're in

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Speaker 3: a basement, right, crazy.

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Speaker 2: I feel like with a girl, it's normal.

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Speaker 1: Right. With a girl, it's like you're probably having a

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Speaker 1: fantastic time.

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Speaker 2: Like with a man. I'm doing this, I'm like, is

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Speaker 2: it working? Is it working?

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Speaker 3: You're like with girls, I'm like, should we just go

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Speaker 3: to the zoo after this?

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Speaker 2: Or let's all right? All right?

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Speaker 1: So that one we're gonna say it depends. What about

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Speaker 1: posting an Instagram story with only your crush in mind?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? No, I think once it gets into the territory

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Speaker 3: of like even the story checking, once it gets into

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Speaker 3: the territory of this could define your day. Oh that's one,

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Speaker 3: Like if somebody's not texting you and it's affecting your day,

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Speaker 3: day defining.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, day defining.

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Speaker 1: Right, Okay, My next one is what if you've only

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Speaker 1: got your crush on your close friends?

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Speaker 2: No, baby, no, no way personal. You don't want your

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Speaker 2: best friend to see your good me. Sorry, it was

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Speaker 2: just it was it was a steamy picture.

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Speaker 1: Like a little hair you get in the mood. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it was a one time thing. I don't do it anymore.

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Speaker 2: Okay, I got over that.

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Speaker 3: Okay, what about googling your crush? Yeah, that's love addiction,

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Speaker 3: love addiction. I mean, are you feeling that there might

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Speaker 3: be a crime?

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Speaker 2: You know what I mean? You're like, oh something they said?

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Speaker 2: You know you know what?

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Speaker 3: Actually, as I get older I'm turning thirty five in July,

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Speaker 3: maybe you do want to see because we are entering

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Speaker 3: the divorce era where you're meeting people who are getting divorced,

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Speaker 3: especially if it's like a single dad. I can understand

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Speaker 3: a woman being like, well what happened?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, I can understand. I'm gonna say enthusiastic.

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Speaker 2: I'm gonna say enthusiastic. Yeah. What about rereading old texts?

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Speaker 2: I think that's a little love addictie. I've never done that.

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Speaker 2: You haven't. I've never done that.

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Speaker 3: I've never done that, even when I like going through

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Speaker 3: a breakup and stuff. I'm the kind of person that

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Speaker 3: I will delete the thread because I know that I

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Speaker 3: will do so. Maybe to me, that is love addictie,

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Speaker 3: And that's why I delete it, because I know I'm

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Speaker 3: going to get it.

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Speaker 1: In there, and I don't need access to it. I

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Speaker 1: don't need to see their name. I don't need to

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Speaker 1: see the thread.

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Speaker 2: I don't want to remember what you said when you

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Speaker 2: liked me.

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Speaker 1: No, no, no, you know what I do have it

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Speaker 1: on is my computer. Okay, so I delete it from

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Speaker 1: my phone, but then I look on my computer A

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Speaker 1: little part of you.

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Speaker 2: I dance, I dance the dance. I walked alive.

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Speaker 1: Yea, yeah, right, last one canceling your weekend plans because.

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Speaker 3: Nope, that's the same as only out in their neighborhood

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Speaker 3: on a Friday if they haven't texted you no, no, no, no,

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Speaker 3: I yes, I.

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Speaker 2: Did it the other day. Girl, free yourself. Also, like

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Speaker 2: I have.

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Speaker 3: I used to do that all the time, and what

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Speaker 3: killed me is like I'd be like, oh, are you

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Speaker 3: in the West Village tonight or like midnight, They're like, no,

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Speaker 3: I'm in Park Slope.

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Speaker 2: Oh well, as a matter of fact, I'll be there

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Speaker 2: in thirty minutes. It never works out. Can't cancel the plans. Okay,

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Speaker 2: so let's get into a little let's go.

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Speaker 1: Let's talk a little bit about your experience with some

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Speaker 1: pretty intense relationships.

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Speaker 2: Oh my life, all I know is intensity. All I

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Speaker 2: know is intensity.

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Speaker 1: Before we go on, I have to ask you to

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Speaker 1: define specifically if you could love it love addiction.

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Speaker 3: I think love addiction in a nutshell is being obsessed

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Speaker 3: with finding a savior on your terms. But at the

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Speaker 3: end of the day, I think we all want to

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Speaker 3: be saved on our terms. It's something that I tell

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Speaker 3: myself a lot too when I feel maybe being swept

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Speaker 3: away or romanticizing somebody. You know, this is just a

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Speaker 3: person totally, and I have to It's such a weird thing.

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Speaker 2: To say, but like I literally have.

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Speaker 3: To be like, this is someone's son, daughter, child, whatever,

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Speaker 3: And then I can feel that other part of me

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Speaker 3: being like, but if they're going to work, why are

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Speaker 3: they texting on the subway? And I'm like, this is

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Speaker 3: just a person, you know what I mean? Yeah, somehow

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Speaker 3: I know too. If this person did obsess over me,

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Speaker 3: oh the way that I wanted, I.

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Speaker 2: Would say, get the fuck away from it.

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Speaker 3: In the next Literally, I think a healthy relationship. I've

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Speaker 3: only had tastes of that in my life. Healthy relationships,

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Speaker 3: healthy relationships, secure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I wasn't ready for

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Speaker 3: it when like.

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Speaker 1: Growing up, do you remember like sort of the first

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Speaker 1: brush with like romance with the guy, Like the first

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Speaker 1: time you felt sort of like male attention and what

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Speaker 1: it meant to you.

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Speaker 2: I was my first boyfriend from fourteen to twenty three.

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Speaker 1: No. Oh, he wasn't just with me girl, but no,

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Speaker 1: it was very off and on. It was very toxic

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Speaker 1: the teens. At twenty three is uh so.

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Speaker 2: I loved him desperately and he was okay about me.

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Speaker 3: But I have but I remember that brush of like

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Speaker 3: insanity like real Stevie Nick said it once. The only

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Speaker 3: time I've been really truly in love. Was my first

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Speaker 3: love because it was new and you didn't know, and

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Speaker 3: I fully fully trusted this person, you fully fully, all in,

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Speaker 3: all in, and I think that I'm so grateful for

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Speaker 3: that experience too. It taught me so much somethings I

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Speaker 3: did not have to learn.

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Speaker 2: Some things I did not have to learn.

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Speaker 3: I didn't have to learn, you know, Like that's a

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Speaker 3: big reason also why I have never in my life

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Speaker 3: after that relationship checked a X situationship fling or relationship

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Speaker 3: social media. Never you're kidding, I never have and I

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Speaker 3: don't block them or anything.

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Speaker 2: I never have creeped, not once. Really inspiring because why how?

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Speaker 2: Because it broke my heart.

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Speaker 3: I think when you're a teenager too, like your brain

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Speaker 3: is absorbing and changing all the time, and everything was

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Speaker 3: happening on Facebook. You could really see what everybody was doing.

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Speaker 3: I will never forget like that bone chilling betrayal and

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Speaker 3: like realizing what was happening, and like, I think it's

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Speaker 3: not because I.

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Speaker 2: Have this like extreme willpower.

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Speaker 3: Show me a brownie, you know, literally wait, but I

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Speaker 3: know that one it doesn't feel good and two it's

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Speaker 3: not true. Like whatever story I'm gonna tell myself is

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Speaker 3: not true, and I'm gonna be crazy about it regardless,

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Speaker 3: you know what I mean.

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Speaker 2: I don't need to feed that fire. It's already in me.

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Speaker 2: I've already got it. I've already got it burning.

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Speaker 3: And my mom was like, I remember, she was like,

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Speaker 3: dating is so crazy for your generation. This is when

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Speaker 3: I was a teenager. Like one of the times that

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Speaker 3: I was like stopping crying. She's like, yeah, when I

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Speaker 3: was dating in the eighties in New York, if a

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Speaker 3: guy liked you, by the time you got home, there

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Speaker 3: was a message on your answering machine, which is so cute.

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Speaker 3: And she's like, so cute, and then if you broke up,

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Speaker 3: you were literally never saw them again.

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Speaker 1: I long for a time like that because so I

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Speaker 1: gave it to myself. I'm not like you in that

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Speaker 1: way where I go searching. I was texting my sister

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Speaker 1: about it yesterday and she was like, stop making yourself sad,

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Speaker 1: Like give yourself a narrative, totally, like stop doing this

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Speaker 1: to yourself, like stop checking, stop looking, stop but I fixate.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, but you fixate, and then what happens is you

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Speaker 3: tell yourself a story of what's really happening, what's going on,

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Speaker 3: and then you create this narrative and your body's begging

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Speaker 3: for you to be wrong. So you reach out, like

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Speaker 3: one step of alcohol and it's oh, it's done, and

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Speaker 3: it's like you can feel like you're inner child being like, wait,

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Speaker 3: it's true, we're not lovable or something. So you reach

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Speaker 3: out and it just creates either you've broken no contact,

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Speaker 3: so now you're in this thing that you know it's

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Speaker 3: going to end, and you're in this shame circle. I

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Speaker 3: know that shame circle too, Like when you're talking to

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Speaker 3: somebody you shouldn't be talking to. If your friends were

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Speaker 3: to find out, they'd kill you. Like if you were

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Speaker 3: in a situation where you cannot stop your own narrative,

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Speaker 3: you have to tell someone.

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Speaker 1: You have to you have to pull people in, and

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Speaker 1: you have to be like, I'm really being my own

246
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Speaker 1: worst enemy right now, I.

247
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Speaker 2: Am being so mean, totally so mean to me.

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Speaker 1: One of my best friends is always like, stop being

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Speaker 1: so mean to my friend.

250
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Speaker 2: And literally don't talk about my friend that way.

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Speaker 1: Exactly when I first discovered you on TikTok, you were engaged.

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Speaker 2: I wasn't good. Is that You're next immediate relationship not

253
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Speaker 2: only walked me through I was with. I was with

254
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Speaker 2: somebody from fourteen to twenty three, and then I moved

255
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Speaker 2: to New York.

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Speaker 3: Then I was here for forty eight hours, and I

257
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Speaker 3: fell in love with somebody else because eight I latched

258
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Speaker 3: onto the first man that batted his eyes at me out.

259
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Speaker 2: I was with him for like.

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Speaker 1: Two years two hours you loved him.

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Speaker 3: Two years later I did, and I think I was

262
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Speaker 3: twenty two, where I just turned twenty three. Wow, So

263
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Speaker 3: I was like a new born, yeah, totally, and.

264
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Speaker 2: I was new to the city. So I had somebody

265
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Speaker 2: to kind of like show me around. Right.

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Speaker 3: It was never going to be serious for them, and

267
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Speaker 3: I needed it to be serious because I was so

268
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Speaker 3: scared to be alone.

269
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Speaker 2: I'd never been alone. But we were not compatible.

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Speaker 3: And then after that, I was dating around for like

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Speaker 3: two years and then I met my exit I later

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Speaker 3: was engaged to and we broke up. But it was

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Speaker 3: also a situation where we should not have been together.

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Speaker 3: Like we loved each other very much, but I think

275
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Speaker 3: unfortunately sometimes you meet people and you're like, in order

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Speaker 3: to become the person that I wanted to, you needed

277
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Speaker 3: to like break my heart that way. That was something

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Speaker 3: where I had to learn that I could not learn

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Speaker 3: these lessons for a person, and I think that's where

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Speaker 3: we were not compatible. I don't think I was in

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Speaker 3: a position where he had so much to learn about

282
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Speaker 3: himself and I didn't have the heart to put him

283
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Speaker 3: through it. When you're in a relationship, you want to

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Speaker 3: make life easier. So I found myself in a place

285
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Speaker 3: where I was an enabler for really bad behavior because

286
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Speaker 3: I'd be like, no.

287
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:33,480
Speaker 2: No, no, it's not his fault.

288
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:35,720
Speaker 3: Or even with like friends, you're like, well, she didn't

289
00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:37,240
Speaker 3: mean that. You know that her mom is really mean

290
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:41,800
Speaker 3: to her, Like I was enabling and which is disguised

291
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,880
Speaker 3: as understanding, and it was selfish empathy. And I remember

292
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Speaker 3: when we ended things, I remember thinking like, this is

293
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:50,680
Speaker 3: the kindest thing I can do for you, And even then,

294
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,720
Speaker 3: I'm still obsessed with this high horse. I was so

295
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:57,480
Speaker 3: sick of being like the moral guidance person because I

296
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:58,920
Speaker 3: think at the end of that too, I wanted to

297
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Speaker 3: be bad too.

298
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Speaker 2: Somebody has to like be the glue.

299
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Speaker 3: And I just saw this pattern of my life continuing

300
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,800
Speaker 3: where like this person was gonna keep getting like soft

301
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,800
Speaker 3: blows because I was going to protect them from everything,

302
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:15,160
Speaker 3: and then me trying to like myself because I hated myself.

303
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,520
Speaker 3: I hated who I was in that relationship. I was

304
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:21,160
Speaker 3: a nag, like I'm not someone who's like on your ass.

305
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,120
Speaker 3: It was turning into mother and son, and I did

306
00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:25,040
Speaker 3: not like who I was.

307
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,640
Speaker 1: A mother sort of son dynamic in a relationship I

308
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:28,680
Speaker 1: think is so common.

309
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:31,280
Speaker 3: It's so it happened so much, and it's been so

310
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Speaker 3: so sneaky.

311
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Speaker 2: Like resentment is a plant you water by accident. Yeah, totally.

312
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:38,760
Speaker 1: I really do want to know, like, if you could

313
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,800
Speaker 1: put it into words, how.

314
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,400
Speaker 2: You were able to let it go, how you were

315
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:43,600
Speaker 2: able to walk away.

316
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,880
Speaker 3: Longestly, I found out that somebody was doing something there

317
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:51,840
Speaker 3: weren't supposed to do, and I remember I felt tired,

318
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,960
Speaker 3: I was a mad There was no yelling. It was

319
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:59,320
Speaker 3: a sit down conversation. I called my mom before I

320
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:03,360
Speaker 3: told her I'm leaving this person? Can you come? And

321
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,480
Speaker 3: I had to tell my mom what happened because I

322
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,920
Speaker 3: needed somebody to hold me accountable because I'm already in

323
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:08,600
Speaker 3: this pattern.

324
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Speaker 2: It's almost too easy to go back.

325
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,640
Speaker 1: Well, I'm thinking about what a different reaction that is

326
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,080
Speaker 1: because I'm thinking about myself and I always want to

327
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:18,040
Speaker 1: be like I'm not speaking to you anymore.

328
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:18,760
Speaker 2: I'm done.

329
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:21,360
Speaker 1: I want to say this like big statement, but I

330
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,840
Speaker 1: know what that statement means is just like that's a

331
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:26,080
Speaker 1: toss and I want you to toss it back to me.

332
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:28,160
Speaker 1: I want you to come back. I want you to chase.

333
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,160
Speaker 1: I want you to say no, don't go.

334
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:33,000
Speaker 2: But when you feel that feeling of just like you

335
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:36,400
Speaker 2: know your your body, I can't even tell you I'm done.

336
00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:37,200
Speaker 2: I'm so done.

337
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like I can't even tell you I'm out the

338
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:42,160
Speaker 1: door because I'm so I don't even care to hear what.

339
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,520
Speaker 2: You have to say. I tell girls too all the time.

340
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,040
Speaker 3: I mean, if you feel like you need to go

341
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:47,960
Speaker 3: back and you need to learn that lesson again, each time,

342
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,400
Speaker 3: it's going to be harder. Each time, it's going to

343
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,320
Speaker 3: be worse. The people that are going to push and

344
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,040
Speaker 3: push and push are going to make it worse and

345
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,600
Speaker 3: worse and worse. I remember I said, I'm not your

346
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:57,760
Speaker 3: fiance girlfriend anymore.

347
00:16:57,840 --> 00:16:59,920
Speaker 2: Whatever, just put it aside. Yeah, as your friend, like

348
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:03,040
Speaker 2: what's happening? What are you doing? Like why? Like why

349
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:06,119
Speaker 2: like like we could really be happy? Yeah, you know whatever.

350
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:07,640
Speaker 2: And I think a lot of people have that moment

351
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:08,919
Speaker 2: where it's like, if you.

352
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,879
Speaker 3: Could just stop being yourself And I think that's and

353
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:13,639
Speaker 3: I think when I was looking at this person, being like,

354
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:15,600
Speaker 3: why do you keep doing this? And it was one

355
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,920
Speaker 3: thousandth time too, like I don't want people to think

356
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:18,480
Speaker 3: that I'm just.

357
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,000
Speaker 2: Like and I stood up the first time. I said no, no, no, no.

358
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,560
Speaker 3: I know if this person bid my spir to a

359
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:25,760
Speaker 3: pulp and probably meet two to him in many ways,

360
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,280
Speaker 3: I don't care to know at this point. Sure, but

361
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,920
Speaker 3: everybody deserves to be with someone that wants the same

362
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,000
Speaker 3: things totally. And it just got down to we love

363
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,080
Speaker 3: each other so much, we have so much sulf for

364
00:17:36,119 --> 00:17:39,240
Speaker 3: each other. Yeah, we are not compatible, right, And I

365
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,120
Speaker 3: think for the rest of my life I'd be wondering

366
00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:44,720
Speaker 3: if I settled. And that's when I felt a true

367
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:48,280
Speaker 3: piece come over me. Yeah, And I think that night

368
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:53,160
Speaker 3: was the first time in four years that I went

369
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,159
Speaker 3: to sleep without word anybody was gonna cheat on me.

370
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:59,040
Speaker 2: Holy go. I slept starfish so much relief. I slept

371
00:17:59,080 --> 00:17:59,960
Speaker 2: for like twelve hours.

372
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:00,400
Speaker 3: Yeah.

373
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:03,800
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was listening to you on another podcast and

374
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,280
Speaker 1: I heard you say that you have been the villain

375
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,879
Speaker 1: in so many people's story for sure, Why do you

376
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,960
Speaker 1: use the word villain, and can you tell me about

377
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:11,920
Speaker 1: one of those moments.

378
00:18:12,119 --> 00:18:13,240
Speaker 2: I think they needed me to be.

379
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,280
Speaker 3: I think that at the end of the day, we

380
00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:21,200
Speaker 3: know what really happened, and in order to heal from something,

381
00:18:22,119 --> 00:18:24,640
Speaker 3: instead of I'm going to give you an example, I'm

382
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:28,840
Speaker 3: making this up. It's not that I left when they

383
00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:31,440
Speaker 3: cheat it it's that I abandoned them at their lowest.

384
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:35,120
Speaker 3: And I'm like, if that's what you need to tell yourself,

385
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:37,480
Speaker 3: you know what I mean? Like, there's always so many sides,

386
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,720
Speaker 3: and I've realized that as I've gotten older, there are

387
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:40,919
Speaker 3: three sides to a story.

388
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:42,760
Speaker 2: And I understand that now.

389
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:46,040
Speaker 3: And there is an inner monologue happening with people that

390
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,600
Speaker 3: I'm not aware of. And if we're not communicating, if

391
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,480
Speaker 3: we're not vulnerable, or if you're not in a place

392
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,640
Speaker 3: where you can share these things with me, of course

393
00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,760
Speaker 3: I'm going to be the villain. I can't read your mind,

394
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,280
Speaker 3: and I feel like, towards the end of a relationship,

395
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,760
Speaker 3: it's like, in order for this to work, we need

396
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:04,240
Speaker 3: like brutal intimacy and brutal honesty. And a lot of

397
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,479
Speaker 3: times people will not meet you half way. And I'm

398
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,879
Speaker 3: not some Buddha Barney. Either I can be selfish, I

399
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:13,280
Speaker 3: can be a brat, I can be emotionally reactive. I'm

400
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:17,000
Speaker 3: a human being. But I don't think anybody can say

401
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:18,480
Speaker 3: TEFFI didn't.

402
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,200
Speaker 2: Try her darnest. So it's tough.

403
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,119
Speaker 3: I feel like this is such a thing that we

404
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:27,160
Speaker 3: do as women too, Like we can fix this and

405
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:30,359
Speaker 3: I won't even make them meet me halfway, just ten percent,

406
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:31,240
Speaker 3: and I can fix it.

407
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,080
Speaker 2: Why do you think we want to fix it so bad?

408
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:34,840
Speaker 3: Because we don't want to be alone and we've or

409
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:38,879
Speaker 3: oh my god, hope the idea after that going like

410
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,320
Speaker 3: me and going through that breakup, being like me going

411
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,359
Speaker 3: on a date and asking what's your favorite color? I

412
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,880
Speaker 3: want to like pull my tongue out right. And you've

413
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,439
Speaker 3: already met their families, you've done Christmas Is together, and

414
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:53,399
Speaker 3: like you're in this. Being comfortable will keep you underwater,

415
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,480
Speaker 3: you know, Like I truly look back and a pictures

416
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:59,480
Speaker 3: of myself too, and I can see how miserable I

417
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:02,320
Speaker 3: am in my eyes, and I had no idea. The

418
00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:05,479
Speaker 3: worst thing about being in a toxic relationship is the

419
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:09,159
Speaker 3: possibility that it might end. That's the worst thing. You

420
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,120
Speaker 3: don't tell anybody you don't talk about it because if

421
00:20:11,119 --> 00:20:14,560
Speaker 3: you talk about it, it might end right, and you'd

422
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,760
Speaker 3: rather be sick then have to face yourself.

423
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:20,159
Speaker 1: I was reckoning with like kind of addiction to chaos,

424
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,040
Speaker 1: and so for me, it sort of was like a

425
00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:24,560
Speaker 1: rock bottom moment where I was like, I have to

426
00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:27,439
Speaker 1: be alone, like I have to reckon with Yeah, you

427
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,159
Speaker 1: have to yeah, with voiceover with whatever I'm doing.

428
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,760
Speaker 2: That is a part of this equation, you know what

429
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:33,120
Speaker 2: I mean.

430
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,439
Speaker 1: So was that the moment for you where you were like,

431
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,919
Speaker 1: I need to step back completely and like take ownership

432
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,760
Speaker 1: of like my patterns with love and everything. Or was

433
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:44,960
Speaker 1: that like your rock bottom?

434
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:46,880
Speaker 2: No, I think with rock bottom.

435
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:51,040
Speaker 3: I think my rock bottom was like I try to

436
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:56,479
Speaker 3: start dating, and I could feel me not being present

437
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:58,600
Speaker 3: and I knew that dating was making me miss someone

438
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:01,199
Speaker 3: who didn't treat me. Well, yeah, there's a warmth, and

439
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:04,239
Speaker 3: there's an intimacy that comes with someone that's betrayed you

440
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:07,359
Speaker 3: because they've seen you like sobbing crime, Like there's an

441
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:11,399
Speaker 3: intimacy to like forgiveness, and I was missing that and

442
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:15,200
Speaker 3: I could feel myself wanting to recreate toxic patterns so that.

443
00:21:15,119 --> 00:21:18,280
Speaker 2: Me and this new person could do that. I think.

444
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:22,800
Speaker 3: Also, I was still very trusting, and I thought that

445
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,440
Speaker 3: if I just started dating, I could like get over

446
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:29,120
Speaker 3: it or something like the way I got over other

447
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:33,400
Speaker 3: relationships did not work this time because I was engaged

448
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,480
Speaker 3: in totally, so I was like, I don't really know

449
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,520
Speaker 3: what the fuck I'm doing here, and I'm in my thirties,

450
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,760
Speaker 3: like I should know how to date. But I felt

451
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:45,320
Speaker 3: almost like declaude or something like I felt like I

452
00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:46,760
Speaker 3: was getting like my sea legs.

453
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:47,280
Speaker 2: Yeah.

454
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:50,760
Speaker 3: And then at the same time, I was getting so

455
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,800
Speaker 3: much attention for my career totally, so I had to

456
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,919
Speaker 3: be kind of two people. And there's something that I

457
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,440
Speaker 3: do all the time to check if I really am

458
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:02,480
Speaker 3: happy in something. I go back to like twelve year

459
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:05,800
Speaker 3: old me and I tell her about something romantic that's

460
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,840
Speaker 3: happening in my life and they're like, but are we wait?

461
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:09,800
Speaker 2: Are we so happy?

462
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:12,480
Speaker 3: And I owe it to her to say yes, because

463
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:15,159
Speaker 3: if I start explaining why I'm not happy but I

464
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,320
Speaker 3: can be, I can see her smile kind of drop

465
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:17,960
Speaker 3: and she's like.

466
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,320
Speaker 2: This blows, this sucks.

467
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:25,040
Speaker 3: There's got to be more, and she's right, and it

468
00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:27,560
Speaker 3: kills me because then I get annoyed at a child.

469
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:33,199
Speaker 2: You're holding me accountable. You're twelve, So that's something that

470
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:34,160
Speaker 2: really grounds me too.

471
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:37,560
Speaker 3: You know, how did you finally break the pattern? You

472
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:41,560
Speaker 3: know when you have hyper focused food? Yeah, Like I

473
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:45,440
Speaker 3: think my mom Mike's my mom. Mike's the best tune

474
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:48,000
Speaker 3: a salad sandwich you have ever. Yeah, And I remember

475
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,320
Speaker 3: I would eat it like every different lunch for the

476
00:22:49,359 --> 00:22:50,480
Speaker 3: year when I was living a front of me and

477
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,440
Speaker 3: there was this one day I was like, this makes

478
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:56,440
Speaker 3: me sick totally. I think I got to the point

479
00:22:57,040 --> 00:23:00,600
Speaker 3: where dating made me sick. Yeah, Like I was doing

480
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,960
Speaker 3: this dance and I started to look like shit. I

481
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,640
Speaker 3: started to feel like shit. And I remember like being

482
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:07,600
Speaker 3: on one of these dating apps on day and being

483
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,760
Speaker 3: like I just can't. And I think I was like, yeah,

484
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:15,600
Speaker 3: single for two years straight.

485
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:33,640
Speaker 1: I want to know more about like you and Phoebe's

486
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,920
Speaker 1: conversations and therapy. Hey Phoebe, shout out Pheb, we love you.

487
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:37,240
Speaker 2: Phoebe.

488
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:38,960
Speaker 3: I was talking to her about my love life and

489
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,280
Speaker 3: she said everybody in this society is a love addict

490
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,359
Speaker 3: and I was like, what do you mean, And she's like,

491
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:48,480
Speaker 3: because how the media portrays love like it's not normal

492
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:51,119
Speaker 3: to meet somebody and then like look for their text

493
00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:53,080
Speaker 3: all day and think about your last names together, Like

494
00:23:53,119 --> 00:23:54,040
Speaker 3: that's not normal.

495
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:56,040
Speaker 2: Do you like the chase? Do you like the chase?

496
00:23:56,240 --> 00:24:00,160
Speaker 2: Despise the chase? I despise it. I despise you do it.

497
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:04,960
Speaker 3: I think that I find myself in situations where people

498
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,680
Speaker 3: don't know who they are yet, or especially with men,

499
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:12,320
Speaker 3: I feel like men are like developmentally emotionally, are of

500
00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:14,080
Speaker 3: course behind. I think are like all our moms told

501
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:17,600
Speaker 3: us out like boys are always a little bit more mature, right, yeah.

502
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:19,960
Speaker 3: But I think as women, we are told at a

503
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:21,800
Speaker 3: young age, you're going to be a mother, You're going

504
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:24,120
Speaker 3: to be a caretaker, right, You're going to be head

505
00:24:24,119 --> 00:24:27,480
Speaker 3: of this community. You better evolve emotionally. So there's a

506
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:29,239
Speaker 3: lot of this pressure for us to evolve, and men

507
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,400
Speaker 3: don't really have the same pressures for them to provide.

508
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:35,280
Speaker 3: And I understand that maybe there comes a place where

509
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:38,040
Speaker 3: I'm like, if you don't go to therapy or if

510
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:41,680
Speaker 3: you don't work this out, I might outgrow you totally.

511
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,000
Speaker 3: Even with friends sometimes and I'm like, I need you

512
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:45,800
Speaker 3: to work this out because I don't want to outgrow

513
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:48,600
Speaker 3: this friendship, right, you know, right? And it's not that

514
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:51,480
Speaker 3: I chase avoidant people. It just gets to a place

515
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,520
Speaker 3: where in order for us to continue growing together, yeah,

516
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:58,239
Speaker 3: you're going to have to break through this wall or

517
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:02,359
Speaker 3: really like face yourself right, And I know how scary

518
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,600
Speaker 3: that is. The Thing about therapy is I think people

519
00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:07,680
Speaker 3: go to therapy and they're like, I just don't want

520
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:10,600
Speaker 3: to feel like this anymore. And through therapy I've learned

521
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:14,080
Speaker 3: when I feel like this, what do I do? And

522
00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:18,159
Speaker 3: we're women, right, So as we get older, there is

523
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,280
Speaker 3: this kind of wait, am I gonna have kids?

524
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:21,240
Speaker 2: Wait?

525
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,360
Speaker 3: Am I gonna I can have kids at forty three?

526
00:25:23,359 --> 00:25:25,159
Speaker 3: Do I want to have kids at forty three? Like

527
00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:28,560
Speaker 3: these kind of things where you feel rushed, right, And

528
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,480
Speaker 3: when these feelings come up for me instead of thinking

529
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:33,880
Speaker 3: about it like is this love addiction? I go, wait, okay,

530
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:35,800
Speaker 3: what am I feeling right now?

531
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:37,679
Speaker 2: What is this rush? Do I feel like I'm being

532
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:38,359
Speaker 2: left behind?

533
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,119
Speaker 3: You know? What's the question I ask myself too with

534
00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:43,879
Speaker 3: Phoebe is like Phoebe, I don't know one couple I

535
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:47,600
Speaker 3: want to be like, right, But for some reason I

536
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,280
Speaker 3: feel like I meet somebody who and this is in

537
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:50,640
Speaker 3: the past.

538
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:52,120
Speaker 2: I feel like I've this.

539
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:55,479
Speaker 3: Past year, I've done a lot of internalized work, and

540
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:57,480
Speaker 3: a lot of that is not reading comments anymore, or

541
00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:01,000
Speaker 3: like blocking a certain conversation, not being interested in some

542
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:04,600
Speaker 3: conversations because as women, we are excitable and the Internet

543
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:05,600
Speaker 3: is mainly women.

544
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:08,080
Speaker 2: How did sort of that feel?

545
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:10,760
Speaker 1: Did you feel that disconnect of like being online and

546
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:14,040
Speaker 1: being public and sort of having this piece of your relationship?

547
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:17,600
Speaker 2: Were you sharing that honesty? Like now? Yeah? Like how

548
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:18,040
Speaker 2: sort of.

549
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:24,080
Speaker 1: Transparent was your online persona and the reality of your relationship.

550
00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:28,959
Speaker 3: I think that the hardest thing was that this person

551
00:26:29,359 --> 00:26:34,320
Speaker 3: was not well and there were certain issues and dependencies

552
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:36,919
Speaker 3: that they had to work through without me.

553
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:38,280
Speaker 2: But there are just.

554
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:42,199
Speaker 3: Some things where online I didn't know how to speak

555
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:46,200
Speaker 3: about it because I wanted to protect this person so much.

556
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:48,879
Speaker 3: I have this thing about the internet too. I refuse

557
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:50,960
Speaker 3: to talk about things while I'm still working it out

558
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:55,240
Speaker 3: because I don't want that to I'm very malleable. I've

559
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:57,680
Speaker 3: learned that about me. I don't want somebody else's story

560
00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:00,000
Speaker 3: to kind of bleed into my truth. So I always

561
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,480
Speaker 3: talk about things that I've learned. So after that breakup,

562
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:06,960
Speaker 3: I'll talk about like boundaries or patterns and stuff like that,

563
00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:09,600
Speaker 3: but I wasn't talking about it online because I don't

564
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:14,720
Speaker 3: think it was fair to me. I needed to mourn

565
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,879
Speaker 3: it and find stable ground. And I've moved on and

566
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,080
Speaker 3: we both have. Are you all Do you stay connected?

567
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,320
Speaker 2: Absolutely not. I have no interest.

568
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:26,840
Speaker 3: I wish you well away from me totally, like I

569
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:30,520
Speaker 3: don't think enjoy please. But I think even to this day,

570
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:32,240
Speaker 3: I wake up and I'm like, I don't think he

571
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:33,440
Speaker 3: did go to that party.

572
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:36,480
Speaker 1: Like there's like there are still things literally, wait, that

573
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:38,679
Speaker 1: doesn't make sense to three years later, you're.

574
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:39,960
Speaker 2: Like pretty sure on that one day he did.

575
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:40,200
Speaker 1: Lie.

576
00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:44,440
Speaker 3: Wait, hold on, we don't have a car, like you know,

577
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:49,280
Speaker 3: so there's literally like that. And I also for the internet,

578
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:52,680
Speaker 3: I think that when people post their breakup stories or

579
00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:56,480
Speaker 3: their relationship stories, I am so like, tell me girl,

580
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,720
Speaker 3: tell me girl. But for me, I refuse used to

581
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:03,000
Speaker 3: be known for my worst moment. And it was a

582
00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:05,000
Speaker 3: decision I made. If you would have told me, like

583
00:28:05,119 --> 00:28:07,480
Speaker 3: a year before that breakup, would you ever talk about it,

584
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:09,320
Speaker 3: I'd be like fuck, yeah, fuck that motherfucker or something

585
00:28:09,359 --> 00:28:11,359
Speaker 3: if he does that to me whatever, and it happened.

586
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:13,320
Speaker 3: I was like, what if one day I get to

587
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:17,040
Speaker 3: interview Michelle von Robinson Obama, Oh, I love you so much,

588
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:22,760
Speaker 3: and then my search is an ex's nan I'm so much.

589
00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:24,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, totally.

590
00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:26,840
Speaker 3: I respect everybody that goes online and talks about breakups.

591
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:29,360
Speaker 3: That must be so scary, especially knowing that you're inviting

592
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:31,680
Speaker 3: other narratives or people to come in and like argue

593
00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:34,800
Speaker 3: your truth. I think I was also so deeply hurt

594
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:38,160
Speaker 3: that I could not imagine somebody coming in and maybe

595
00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:39,080
Speaker 3: telling me the truth.

596
00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:41,040
Speaker 2: Mm, I don't think I could handen What do you

597
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:42,160
Speaker 2: think the truth would have been?

598
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:46,640
Speaker 3: Maybe this person was using you, taking advantage of you,

599
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:50,360
Speaker 3: that this person saw you as somebody that could do

600
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:52,800
Speaker 3: things for them, And I don't think I was ready

601
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:54,600
Speaker 3: to have that truth. So I think the people that

602
00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:56,720
Speaker 3: go on and do that, like you're so much braver

603
00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:57,080
Speaker 3: than me.

604
00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:00,560
Speaker 1: Do you think there's sort of a connection between addiction

605
00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:02,080
Speaker 1: and like working on the internet.

606
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:04,800
Speaker 3: Working on the internet is tough, yeah, because sometimes you're

607
00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:07,120
Speaker 3: like is this how I truly feel? Or is this

608
00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:08,040
Speaker 3: the woman I want to be?

609
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:09,000
Speaker 2: Am I hurt?

610
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:09,360
Speaker 1: Yet?

611
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:13,080
Speaker 3: Am I someone that like I want people to look

612
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:14,920
Speaker 3: at and be like, she's got it all figured out?

613
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:17,640
Speaker 2: And I don't. But I recently figured out.

614
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:21,800
Speaker 3: You know, when I'm recording a video, I'm not looking

615
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:24,600
Speaker 3: at people, I'm looking at myself. So a lot of

616
00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:26,200
Speaker 3: the times when people are like I had no idea

617
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:29,640
Speaker 3: that she was so lonely, miserable, sad, I'm like a

618
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:31,680
Speaker 3: lot of the videos, I think I'm talking to myself,

619
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:34,640
Speaker 3: and I'm posting it just in case somebody in the collective.

620
00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:36,360
Speaker 3: If we're all connected, there has to be at least

621
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:40,600
Speaker 3: one person out there who feels that way. This year,

622
00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:42,160
Speaker 3: my therapist and I were like, my goal is to

623
00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:44,160
Speaker 3: date someone who likes me, and that is so simple,

624
00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:45,760
Speaker 3: but it's not.

625
00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:47,080
Speaker 2: And are you doing it? Yes?

626
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:50,760
Speaker 1: I am, Oh, and you date someone's dating you that

627
00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:53,120
Speaker 1: likes you. This is the thing we need to hold

628
00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:54,160
Speaker 1: on to date someone.

629
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:56,200
Speaker 2: I think you should just date someone who likes you.

630
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:57,640
Speaker 2: And what's crazy? That's it?

631
00:29:57,800 --> 00:29:59,760
Speaker 1: Like, this is what it is to be like so simple,

632
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:02,240
Speaker 1: But I do think we all run from it. Why

633
00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:05,360
Speaker 1: because maybe me personally don't like myself so much sometimes

634
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:06,040
Speaker 1: so or.

635
00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:07,959
Speaker 2: You're scared it's going to go away. We actually have

636
00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:10,880
Speaker 2: to make peace with that first, and then maybe I

637
00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:11,440
Speaker 2: can date something.

638
00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:15,600
Speaker 3: I have survived everything that's ended. I'll be fine.

639
00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:19,480
Speaker 1: I hope one day the solutions to fixing my toxic

640
00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:21,840
Speaker 1: patterns will be as clear to me as.

641
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:22,720
Speaker 2: They are to Tefi.

642
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:26,400
Speaker 1: Talking with her really helped me see that there is

643
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:29,840
Speaker 1: a path forward and we do not have to be

644
00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:34,000
Speaker 1: stuck circling the drain forever. I'm going to try to

645
00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:38,160
Speaker 1: talk about that to my own personal Phoebe, because you've

646
00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:50,920
Speaker 1: got to start somewhere. Boysover is a production of iHeart Podcasts.

647
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:55,120
Speaker 1: I'm your host, Hope Ordered. Our executive producers are Christina

648
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:59,800
Speaker 1: Everett and Julie Pinero. Our supervising producer is Emily Meronoff

649
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:04,360
Speaker 1: engineering by Bahid Fraser and mixing and mastering.

650
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:05,080
Speaker 2: By Aboo Zafar.

651
00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:08,560
Speaker 1: If you liked this episode, please tell a friend and

652
00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:11,840
Speaker 1: don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe to boy Sober

653
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:15,600
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get

654
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:16,560
Speaker 1: your favorite shows